#thankfully the episode i mentioned recently where he had a crush on the woman who wasn't his usual type helped a lot with that tbh

[bobmckenzie]

HONESTLY in regards to "being able to pull my f/os or not" I actually have to admit that's part of why my ship with Bob is my most comforting, bc for some reason my brain just 100% accepts the idea that he would find me physically attractive kdkdklsld like with most of my other f/os I struggle with that idea but with Bob it's just never been a problem?? and I can't even describe why, there's nothing in canon to support this, it's just... something i inexplicably believe lol

[otterplusharchive]

rey! do you have any recs for kdramas? i have never watched any, but i like lovable characters and romance ? thank you in advance!

I DO IN FACT HAVE DRAMA RECS HII not all of these will be kdramas, but ill start with the kdramas ive watched and enjoyed and ill include all the warnings for them that i can remember off the top of my head and a brief synopsis for u!

kdramas-

1. weight lifting fairy kim bok joo

this was probably one of the first kdramas i saw people post about in like 2015 and i watched a little bit of it in 2016 but then only just got around to finishing it last year. the basic gist of it is its about a young sports college weight lifter, kim bok joo, centering around her navigating through her life and trying to figure out who she is and what she wants in life and what she wants to be. her romantic interest in the show is a swimmer and they have a sort of rivals to friends to lovers, he is SO in love with her and its adorable. i absolutely loved the side characters in this show theyre all so fun and kim bok joos best friends and weight lifting team are especially delightful. my main warning would be that this show addresses eating disorders and theres a lot of mention of both weight gain and weight loss, theres also a plot point early on where kim bok joo has a crush on her eventual love interests older brother but it gets resolved and the older brother literally goes "i didnt realize you had a crush on me and if i knew that i wouldnt have been so friendly with you, it would be completely innapropriate for us to be in a relationship". overall its a really sweet and emotional fun show but if you have issues with weight talk id skip this one

2. tale of the nine tailed

this one is really recent from last year and i didnt expect to be so hooked by it but boy howdy did i get attached to all the characters and the wild plot. it feels hard to explain the plot but basically a nine tailed fox named lee yeon is living in modern day seoul and is working for the underworld finding paranormal spirits/creatures/other rogue foxes that are causing havoc on the world, hes resigned himself to living this life while waiting for his girlfriend who died tragically 600 years ago to come back to life because he traded his status as a mountain god in order to ensure that her soul would one day be reincarnated. a plucky investigative journalist named nam ji ah figures out that hes not human and shenanagins ensue because she looks exactly like his dead girlfriend oooooo whatll happen. the plot beyond that gets really wild and its hard to explain and is easier to just watch. if u enjoy paranormal adventures this one is good. my one big complaint and issue with this is that the immortal mountain spirit meets his original girlfriend when shes a child and she continues to visit him off and on as she grows up which is Hm I Dont Like That! but thankfully the present time romance our female lead meets him when shes about 30 if im remembering right. also warnings for general fantasy violence, references to child abuse, animal death, and abandonment issues

3. extraordinary you

HUGE unreality warning for this. if you have issues with feeling unreal or have paranoia/delusions about not being a real person id avoid this one just because of its premise

ok i know i said tale of the nine tailed was a hard plot to explain but BOY extraordinary you is even HARDER to explain. because its so wild but so good. its about a girl who realizes that she is literally a side character in a comic book, and the story becomes her trying to change the story to save her character from dying but it becomes a lot more than that. the romance in this is literally tooth achingly sweet and the show itself is very pretty, i loved the side characters in this one and the show was engaging and interesting to watch it became really layered and meta. super reccomend this one honestly. my main issues/warnings that i can remember off the top of my head were just one character being the classic controlling boyfriend stereotype, bullying someone specifically for being poor, unreality like i mentioned before, and then at the very end there was this love interest for a side character who got reincarnated from a past piece of writing that they had been in and put in the comic but she was a student and he was the school cook which is weird but thankfully they like barely interact at all and theres no real romance he just like recognizes her and its barely a thing at the end of the show but its still weird

4. mystic pop up bar

big warning for suicide, sexual harrasment (which is framed as being bad and the guy whos harrassing the girl literally gets thrown off a roof)

i havent finished this one yet and thats mainly because im not emotionally ready because this one makes me soooo emotional. if you like found family this is a good one. its about a pop up bar run by a woman whos been tasked with solving the problems of a certain amount of people in order to atone for her crimes in the past before dying, shes able to enter the dreams of people and solve their issues using the information she gets in the dreams. paranormal shenanagins ensue, she acquires a son and a husband and it kills me its so fun and quirky and fun despite handling dark themes and peoples problems. also very sweet the found family murders me

5. kingdom (netflix original)

i literally am not going to be able to watch any other zombie media because kingdom and train to busan are the best pieces of zombie media ive ever seen. warnings for gore and violence and just general horror aspects.

i absolutely love this one its so thrilling and well done, i love the acting and the way that this show looks its absolutely gorgeous. a zombie plague breaks out in joseon period korea where the emperor has died and then was brought back to life by the queen and her father in a ploy to try and keep their family in political power, the crown prince must find answers. a lot more happens and its very dramatic and good i love the characters in this one

cdramas

1. the untamed. if you follow me and you havent watched the untamed im begging you to watch the untamed. literally one of the most beautiful stories ive experienced in my life i am not joking when i say i cried multiple times over it. the main characters are canonically gay in love and have a son together please watch the untamed. handles a lot of dark themes, heres a tw guide

2. the sleuth of the ming dynasty

this is another one i havent finished but its fun so far, very gay, found family, food, and solving murder mysteries during the ming dynasty

3. hikaru no go (also known as qi hun)

havent finished this one, there is some propaganda about hong kong in the first episode but as far as i know thats the only instance of something like that in the show

this ones about the game go and so far its very sweet and fun, local boy awakens a ghost who was a master of the game of go hundreds of years ago and eventually is persuaded to learn how to play go with the aid of the ghost. im really liking this one so far its very cute and i love the characters in it. if youve watched the untamed nie huaisangs actor ji li is in this one!

4. the legend of yunqian

this ones very short and on youtube, all the episodes are about 5 minutes long and its a lesbian time travel fantasy adventure with a happy ending! funny and cute

jdramas

1. cherry magic

please please please watch cherry magic. the premise sounds very much like a weird yaoi kind of thing but trust me on this. trust me. it is so heart warming and sweet and i was so emotional about it and the growth of the main character.

adachi gains the power to read peoples minds on his 30th birthday based off a urban legend that if youre a 30 year old virgin that youll become a wizard. after gaining this power he accidentally finds out that his extremely popular and handsome coworker has a crush on him, and shenanagins ensue along with adachi having blossoming feelings in return. this show was really refreshing in a lot of ways, adachi is a main character who like.. is unsure of himself and insecure in a very kind of realistic way, he closes himself off and is afraid to reach out to people and through the course of the show we see him slowly come out of his shell and realize that hes likeable and lovable and that people want to be around him and its so nice to see. my main complaint about this show is that i dont really like the background couple, but otherwise this is a very sweet and refreshing gay romance that has a happy ending!

some others that i myself havent seen but that ive seen people talk about a lot and that i want to watch eventually:

- the legend of fei (cdrama)

- the wolf (cdrama)

- gaurdian (cdrama, not the kdrama one called goblin)

- healer (kdrama, i did watch some of this one but it was in 2016 and i never finished it so i barely remember any of it but i do remember liking it)

- nobody knows (kdrama)

- its ok to not be ok (kdrama)

sorry this is so long but i hope youll be able to find a drama u enjoy!!

[coco96]

LDAF -Doctor Who Masterlist

Last updated: 10/28/2020

9th Doctor

Never Split Up (9th Doctor X Male!Reader) Warnings: Mild violence, yelling and confrontation Request: Ninth doctor x male!reader where the reader is getting harassed by some random guy while traveling with the doctor and the doctor steps in to help save reader from the guy

Accidents Happen (9th Doctor X Reader) *PARENTAL Warnings: Injury Request: … reader sees the doctor as a brother/dad figure and the reader gets hurt so the doctor has to take care of them? Also, could the reader possibly be male?

Crybaby (Doctor 9-12 X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Self-Conscious reader Request: … reader getting emotional and sad easily. Others think its annoying, she thinks that too, but the doctor thinks its a good thing because that means she really cares about that and isn’t as insensitive like the most humans

---

10th Doctor

Practically Human (10/11 X Fem!Reader) *PLATONIC Warnings: Mention of death, injury and mourning Request: Reader is a cyborg … she’s been travelling with the doctor for ages + her cyborg traits have come in useful … she’s been struggling recently but hasn’t told the doctor + instead she just turns her emotions off bc she doesn’t want to be sad. the doctor tries to convince her that it’s okay to be sad and tries to convince her to turn them back on. …

That Jumper Used To Fit You (10th Doctor X Reader) Warnings: Weight loss, loss of sleep Request: A 10th Doctor x reader where the reader tries keeping up with the timelord resulting in not eating and sleeping enough. The Doctor realises it after seeing the weight loss and steps in?

Crybaby (Doctor 9-12 X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Self-Conscious reader Request: … reader getting emotional and sad easily. Others think its annoying, she thinks that too, but the doctor thinks its a good thing because that means she really cares about that and isn’t as insensitive like the most humans

---

11th Doctor

The Human Thing (11th Doctor X Reader) Request: … after an adventure Amy and Rory kiss and 11 makes a remark about humans. The reader gets all defensive like “maybe try human stuff before hating on it” or something and realizes what they are suggesting and says they werent implying that but the doctor kisses them mid sentence …

Practically Human (10/11 X Fem!Reader) *PLATONIC Warnings: Mention of death, injury and mourning Request: Reader is a cyborg … she’s been travelling with the doctor for ages + her cyborg traits have come in useful … she’s been struggling recently but hasn’t told the doctor + instead she just turns her emotions off bc she doesn’t want to be sad. the doctor tries to convince her that it’s okay to be sad and tries to convince her to turn them back on. …

Company (11th Doctor X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Mention of illness and death. Request: How about one w/ Clara exploring the TARDIS one day when the Doctor can’t take her out on an adventure … She hears someone she doesnt recognise + follows the voice to find the Dr sitting w/ a woman she’s never seen before (reader) and he’s just sitting there, smiling while she speaks about something to him. …

Trouble Sleeping (11th Doctor X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Depression, anxiety, fainting and mention of not eating. Request: … reader where she’s been feeling anxious and depressed but hasn’t told the Dr cos she can’t explain why + doesn’t want to worry him, but it’s been keeping her awake at night so on one of her adventures with him she passes out while they’re supposed to be running/hiding from the monster/alien. she wakes up on the TARDIS and he gets angry and says she should have told him and then she gets upset and he calms down and realises something is really wrong.

He Doesn’t Love me (11th Doctor X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Angst, injury, kidnapping, death Request: … whatever alien/bad guy they’re up against takes reader hostage/ threatens to kill her if Dr doesn’t do what they say. she calls them an idiot + starts ranting about how he wouldn’t risk himself + the entire galaxy for her. the alien/baddie argues that the Dr would bc he loves her + she says he doesn’t love her back. …

Jealousy in a Timelord (11th Doctor X Fem!Timelord!Reader) Warnings: Injury, technically there’s death and I think I only swore once. Request: … reader is a Time Lord too, and she’s the doctors wife (instead of river) and she gets jealous when river starts to join her and the 11th doctor and Amy and Rory on the tardis and then she starts to distance herself … then something sneaks onto the tardis and attacks her maybe and there’s angst and fluff where she explains her worries to the doctor and he reassures her.

Bowties and Jackets (11th Doctor X Reader) Request: 11th Doctor request here. Can you do something where Reader steals his Jackett and Bowtie and pretends to be him?

Birthday in Hollywood (11th Doctor X Fem!Chubby!Reader) *PLATONIC Warnings: Insecurities and self-conscious reader Request: … reader having her 17th birthday. The Doctor (i dont care which) knows how she gets sad when its her birthday, and how she thinks she is nothing special so he sends her into the tardis’ changing room and gets her a dress she would never wear because of her chubby body (steals her clothes so that she has to chance) and the rest would be up to you..

Crybaby (Doctor 9-12 X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Self-Conscious reader Request: … reader getting emotional and sad easily. Others think its annoying, she thinks that too, but the doctor thinks its a good thing because that means she really cares about that and isn’t as insensitive like the most humans

---

12th Doctor

Please Don’t (12th Doctor X Fem!Reader) *PARENTAL TRIGGER WARNING: Alcoholic parents, mention of mistreatment, panic attack Request: … Reader never felt like she really had parents because both are alcoholics. But she feels for him like hes her father and is deeply afraid that she bores him or something and he leaves her and gets a panic attack when he hints something like that all of sudden and just sits on the ground, not able to move, crying because it hit her so hard

That Look (12th Doctor X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Self consciousness of other character, age gap Request: Reader travels with the Doctor for a while now, knowing him as 11 but he regenerates to 12 a few months ago and he is in love with her but thinks a relationship is now even more unlikely to happen now that he looks old. But she really loves when hes talking intelligent stuff and hes doing exactly that and she can’t help but kiss him and hes flustered and shocked and she goes ‘I wanted to do that so long now’

Crybaby (Doctor 9-12 X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Self-Conscious reader Request: … reader getting emotional and sad easily. Others think its annoying, she thinks that too, but the doctor thinks its a good thing because that means she really cares about that and isn’t as insensitive like the most humans

Unseen Softness (12th Doctor X Wife!Reader) Request: ... 12 being totally soft for his timelord!wife!reader and she’s the only one who can get past his angry, non-affectionate exterior which is great for her as it means she gets all the hugs from him. And forehead kisses ...

---

13th Doctor

Underated Illness (13th Doctor X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Sickness Request: ... reader is sick? And she’s trying to hide it but then she ends up passing out (thankfully not in a dangerous situation) and 13 just rants at her about safety and fusses over her and makes sure she gets better?

Lost Hugs (13th Doctor X Fem!Reader) Request: ... reader keeps to herself a lot and 13 gets upset cos she thinks its because reader wants to leave her because she’s a woman now but actually y/n just doesn’t want to overstep her boundaries - 12 wasn’t a hugging person and she learned to just deal without the much wanted affection and 13 just hugs the hell out of her ...

Colour Of Love (13th Doctor X Reader) Request: … Reader joins the fam and starts crushing after 13th. reader want’s to at least let 13 know but they are just good playing woodwinds … and r not good at singing. but the TARDIS changes the tiles colors depending on feelings so 13 follows the path of reds, pinks & yellows and listend to the melody reader is practicing and /oh/

A Little Notebook (13th Doctor X Fem!Reader) Request: … 13 is low-key really into y/n but tries to ignore her feelings. Y/n is an artist and, unbeknownst to 13, has a whole bunch of sketches of 13 in her notebook. One day Yaz, who has been desperately trying to set the two up, strategically places the book in the console room. 13 finds the notebook, and y/n sees 13 looking at the sketches of her. …

Weekly Dates Interrupted (13th Doctor X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Stress Request: … reader is going through uni,  she’s like 24,  & her + 13 are dating (if that’s alright), but she drops reader off for her classes, then comes to pick her up again at a set day the two agree on when she doesn’t have as much work or stress. One day, when 13 skips along to the decided date, she finds the reader is really struggling (severe anxiety, regular panic attacks, crying over her assignments, etc) and she encourages reader, with fluff?

Nearly Died (13th Doctor X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Near death experience Request: … 13 snaps at her girlfriend because she almost got into serious trouble with some alien. 13 is just concerned and worried about her getting hurt, but doesn’t realise that she doesn’t see it that way and thinks 13 is actually angry. So girlfriend goes off to her room and 13 finds her later and realises how upset she is and apologises and they just hug a while

Without A Doubt (13th Doctor X Reader) Request: … the doctor is worried that the reader won’t love her anymore because she’s a woman now. She distances herself and finally when they have a moment to breathe after the initial few episodes the reader’s just like ‘will you just talk to me’ w/ a fluffy little ending?

---

Bill Potts

Under the Console (Bill Potts X Fem!Reader) Request: … They are both the Doctors companions (and Reader is female too if thats alright..) and Reader complains in front of the Doctor how beautiful she is, and she never would have a chance with her, not knowing that Bill is standing right behind her.

---

Missy

Teasing (Missy X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Spoilers kind of? Request: … Reader is an introvert woman and the Doctors Companion. She has to have an eye on her while Missy is in the Vault and the others are gone for an adventure. What exactly happens would be up to you but i want Missy to kiss and tease her

[gaiapaia]

Kermit and Friends: Happy Father’s Day

What a special episode this turned out to be!

It was Father’s Day on this edition of Kermit and Friends, and Elisa managed to get her dad Craig to show up for the occasion!

This was actually Craig’s first time ever on the show, including the original run of Kermit and Friends, which had over 300 episodes. He was such a great sport about everything and you could see where Elisa got both her beautiful smile and festive nature from.

Craig is pretty much a lifetime musician/performer. Elisa is named after the Beethoven song Für Elise and Craig has been in many bands, from Beatles cover bands to playing back-up for Elisa and Benjy’s concerts in New York City.

That’s pretty much the extent I know about Mr. Craig. He really seems like an awesome guy though. He wonderfully performed Big Boss Man by Jimmy Reed and Memphis by Chuck Berry. You could sincerely see his talent shine through with these performances, even with the limitations of an Ipad mic. Very impressive, and good taste in music too!

But of course, what everyone really wanted to see was Craig interact with Kermit and Friends guests, and most of all... with Andy Dick.

Before Craig had the opportunity to meet Andy though, he first got to meet Eric Riggs!

Somehow, Craig heard about Eric’s threat to chop Elisa’s head off last week, so he had some preconceived notions about the guy, to say the least. Eric started off the conversation with Craig with both good news and bad news. The good news was that Eric had a meeting with his Rabbi recently, and the bad news is that as long as Andy Dick is involved with Kermit and Friends, the “Jews” will never fund the show. Uh oh!

Eric would pop on and off throughout the rest of the episode with both calls and on-cam appearances from his car (supposedly in Los Angeles). Eric would mostly just rant about Andy and talk about things no one had a clue what he was referring to. From Andy sacrificing kids to Jews being the only good people in the World... Eric was basically Eric I guess. If you’re an Eric fan, he did not let you down yesterday.

But if you thought there was any chance of Eric saving face after Craig heard the rumors of his threats towards Elisa, it was not meant to be. Eric made the absolutely worst first impression anyone could ever make with a young lady’s father. You seriously couldn’t write this stuff.... ONLY on Kermit and Friends could this happen!

That said, Andy Dick did not present himself much better to Craig than Eric did.

First, I have to give props to Andy for even showing up. Andy told Elisa 20 minutes before the show that he was going to take a nap, and over an hour into the show, after countless calls and texts from multiple people to try to wake Andy up, nothing was working. I could see the disappointment in Elisa’s face and it broke my heart. Thankfully though just as Elisa was ready to end the show, Andy popped on and Elisa’s beautiful face lit up.

Like I said, Andy was taking a nap so he was understandably a bit weary. Unfortunately, Andy was also a bit grouchy! He cared very little at first that Craig was Elisa’s father. He started the conversation off with a “This is what you raised?” after Elisa asked Andy to adjust his camera. Yikes!

In typical Andy fashion he would almost immediately make up for it by crying over how special Elisa is. “I like when you cry talking about me Andy, can you do that again?” Elisa would politely ask, and then the criticism started all over again, “This is where she’s a little off kilter.”

This is pure comedic gold that can’t be scripted and only Kermit and Friends fans are able to enjoy it. This show deserves and needs more eyes on it. The World is missing out on so much laughter... makes me bummed but also even more grateful that I’m not missing it!

As mentioned, Craig was a great sport about everything. He never took offense to Eric or Andy; he even would get some funny jokes in towards them (”Eric reminds me of Anthony Perkins from Psycho”). Most importantly, you could tell Craig was having a fun time. He smiled all throughout his appearances and I hope in my heart that he felt proud of Elisa for putting on such an entertaining show that’s enjoyed by so many people.

Craig wasn’t the only star on yesterday’s spectacular show though. Kermit made a new friend named Katha Blackwell, author of the book Not Another Victim: A Woman's Guide to Avoiding a Bad Relationship.

Katha primarily focuses on abusive relationships and helping women get through any trauma they’ve endured from any volatile relationships they were a part of. Katha was raised in a household where she saw her mom abused, and it inspired her to try to help other women going through a similar situation. Thankfully Katha’s mother survived and got out, and Katha has been able to use the experience to help others. Beautiful story.

T-Bob not surprisingly was very smitten with Katha. What was surprising though was how charming and poignant T-Bob was with her, complimenting Katha and sharing a story of himself trying to stop an abusive relationship he saw taking place. I would love to see T-Bob show up on Kermit and Friends sober more often, especially since it also helps with his internet connection!

Sigmond and Wappy returned to perform some songs. Wappy did a beautiful rendition of Old Man by Neil Young where Sigmond would only chime in during the chorus. Wappy would later sing Get Out by Sublime and poor Sigmond wasn’t able to contribute anything in that performance! People were very curious what Sigmond actually does in the band. Well, I’ve linked their Soundcloud before where you can actually hear Sigmond read off material he wrote.... I’ll link it again here. Hopefully next week they will perform one of these songs where Sigmond is actually able to participate!

A funny note about Sigmond too yesterday was that he originally wore a plaid shirt that matched the blanket Wappy had hanging up on his wall, which made Sigmond blend in with it. Elisa asked him to change shirts and Sigmond would go on to do so TWICE. It might not sound funny written but visually if you go check it out, it’s hilarious!

Elisa shared a story about how she met the rapper G-Eazy the other night. I’m not going to lie... if it wasn’t for Elisa’s tweets, I most likely would have never heard of this guy, but I know Elisa has a big crush on him and I was happy to hear G-Eazy treated her nicely when they met. Anyone who treats Elisa with kindness is cool in my book! Consider me a fan now, G-Eazy. 

Gonzo made a lot of good calls yesterday. After Craig told some wholesome dad jokes, Gonzo chimed in with his own, “Who’s most likely to have a dead woman buried in his backyard? Sigmond.” Not a nice joke! Gonzo would later change the answer to Eric. Still not nice!

Gonzo’s hero Johnny B would perform Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chaplin twice on the show. The first time was when Andy came on, so the show continued rather than ended as scheduled, and the second time was interrupted by Eric’s incessant rambling, which did not make Johnny B happy!

What a Father’s Day. It was the perfect show, one that will never be forgotten. The first 75 minutes were very sweet and wholesome, and the next 75 minutes were just out of this World comedy where everyone was having the time of their lives. Like I said in last week’s review, when Elisa has fun... we all have fun, and she had a blast yesterday once Andy appeared. It was an all around glorious time, and I can’t wait for next week’s birthday show. Until then... I hope everyone reading this and their dads all had a wonderful Father’s Day. God bless you all. ❤️

[lblwlw]

Hello!

First post here, but I have a long history with tumblr. Tumblr has always sort of been a place for me to escape because few of my friends ever had my URL/followed me. This time it’s a little more important.  

CW: Brief mentions of sexual occurrences with men, brief talk of depression, nothing too serious or graphic

TLDR; I’ve suppressed my gayness on accident for basically my whole life, identified as bi, married a man, realized I’m gay, am now figuring out my life.

Warning, this is a LONG post.

I have always been been fascinated with sexuality, more specifically same sex relationships. I was always interested in the idea of being in a same sex relationship but told myself, “no, that’s not me”. Eventually in middle school I played with the idea of being bisexual when I learned what that meant. I said, perfect. I can tell my internet friends I like girls, too, but I won’t have to tell anyone else and I can just worry about boys then at school and for my parents. I had a few crushes on boys, but the thought of actually dating them terrified me and so I very rarely did more than think about them a lot and just tell my friends that I was “too ugly” or whatever else, or “too awkward.” What they didn’t know was that through MySpace I met a girl and had a huge crush on her. We talked a lot and we said we were dating. I never really told anyone. That eventually fizzled out. 

Over time I got bullied a couple times because classmates found my MySpace and found that I identified as bi. I quickly learned it was something I didn’t want to talk about. I dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression throughout all of school. In high school I steadily crushed on one boy almost all four years, but looking back I think I really just enjoyed and wanted to be his friend. Or I just kind of picked him as the one I liked the most so I had a crush to be a normal girl. I dated two boys the entirety of high school, the first one I broke up with because once he finally asked me out (after I “liked him”) and we did relationship things, like kissing, I was not all about it. It didn’t feel right. I thought, maybe I just didn’t like him. Next boyfriend, I wasn’t entirely objected to kissing him but it wasn’t my favorite. It got more frustrating when he wanted to do more. I wasn’t so opposed to him touching me, but when it came to touching him I was like “this ain’t it”. I stayed with him anyway, hoping I would “get over it” until he broke up with me. I wonder now if he could tell I wasn’t into it.

There was actually a time in which I thought, maybe I should date girls? One of my friends was dating a girl, and I thought that was wonderful. I went to her to tell her that I had been thinking maybe I’d rather date girls. I totally blocked this conversation out of my head until recently.

Once I was done with high school I was discouraged but tried to date a few different guys. None of them went that fantastically. If I met them online, I usually came up with a reason we couldn’t meet. “Maybe this just won’t work” It was fun to talk and flirt but when it came down to bringing it into real life I’d panic because that meant kissing a guy again, and possibly having sex. It made me totally uncomfortable. Finally I said, “I wish I was just into girls, ugh.” Remembered that I was, and that I should try it finally. I matched with this sweet girl that was about a year younger than me. She seemed so put together and so kind. We went on a few dates, getting ramen, fancy cupcakes, riding on a trolly in the city, etc. I remember when I got to kiss her in public and I was SO pumped to be seen doing that! Another time, I believe I drove her home but we parked away from her house and made out in my car. I still remember so much of it vividly. 

Eventually I realized that if I was seriously dating her, she would want it to be known. I’d have to face my fears and tell my family. For some reason, this absolutely terrified me. It shouldn’t have but it did. I thought through my options, and decided I should just find a nice guy that will love me and spend my life with me so I don’t have to do this anymore. I did the unspeakable act of basically just ghosting her and pursued a guy from work who, realistically, kind of freaked me out. Thanks to good old compulsive heterosexuality, I read this as my attraction to him. Thankfully, he was pretty easily attracted to me. I recall early in the relationship wishing I hadn’t done that awful thing to that girl, and that I wish I was still dating a girl. Nothing was technically wrong with my relationship that I had now, but something felt off. Like I was missing something. I tucked that away somewhere in my head and enjoyed building an amazing friendship with this man. I did love him, and I still do. He’s kind, he’s sensitive, we have a lot of shared interests and he’s taught me so much intentionally and unintentionally. 

We got married last year and while I felt grateful I had this amazing person beside me, I remember a part of me wondering if this was right for me. I had this weird little empty pocket somewhere in my heart. That I had given up my young adulthood maybe, and that I could have experienced being with... a woman, for real. I thought, I wish I could have met my husband later in life, maybe. Maybe then I’d have gotten my desires for women out of the way and then been with him forever. Because I do love him, he’s a good person and deserves to be loved. I enjoyed the wedding as a big party that I got to have with my family, but I just remember wondering where that extreme excitement was that everyone always described. Was I broken?

Now over a year later, I was sitting at home one day feeling lost and depressed. I had been on TikTok and saw all these young people having fun and I wished that I had spent more time trying to have fun in the past, before I got married. I thought, I could do it now, but what if something happened and I somehow I fell for one of these girls while being with my husband? Wait... why would I even think that? I started to really analyze this thought. I thought, if I was bi like I had always identified, why could I not be happy with my husband? Well, I was, but something was missing. This thought popped into my head: Oh no. What if I am gay? 

What?! Why would I think that? That’s crazy. I would have known as a kid like everyone says. Right? That’s how that works. I chalked this up to feeling like I was missing out and tried to stop thinking about it. It was hard not to, though. And so I googled one morning while out listening to the birds, after escaping bed before my husband rose to avoid his intimacy: “lesbian married to a man”

This article came up about a woman who had been married to a man for many years and they had kids. She started to question herself, and her attraction to him. I don’t remember all of it but I remember getting really uncomfortable but also having this weird sense of calm. That finally, I felt like I identified with something. I wasn’t really sure though. I sent a message to the lady who wrote the article. She replied a week later telling me that she had a podcast called Lesbian Chronicles. I said, okay, I need to listen to this. I listened to about two episodes or so when they mentioned this thing called “The Master Doc” and the reddit sub called Late Bloomer Lesbians. I was like “Holy crap, a community??”

I logged onto reddit for the first time ever. I saw all these women posting in similar situations to me. I found “The Master Doc” and “Straight women don’t say...”

It was like a light bulb went off. Oh my god, everything makes sense! Maybe I’m NOT broken! I remembered all the women that I had crushes on. All the times I thought about women but told myself I was just “weird” and tried not to think about it. I always thought, no I can’t be gay because I wasn’t sure of it as a kid. Now I realized that women especially are fed a straight narrative. It’s “normal” to not be attracted to men the way they are to you. It’s normal to not totally enjoy sex with men... When I learned that we’ve been told this, and it isn’t really true... I wanted to cry. Now I was in the biggest “pickle” ever. I have this man who loves me, who I said vows to swearing I loved him the same forever. Did I just accept who I was and what I did and live with it? Did I break up with him? That seemed to harsh. I heard a lot of women in the same position say they spoke to a therapist. I immediately googled therapists in my area that specialized in LGBTQ+ issues, sent an email ASAP, and felt a little bit of relief. I knew this was real because after years of playing with the idea of seeing a therapist, this came so naturally when I needed help with this.

Now I am here. I feel very confident that I am gay, and my dad knows now. I tried to bring it up with my husband but it didn’t go very well. He currently thinks that maybe I’m just a sad bisexual who hasn’t been able to express her bi-ness. I am at a point a conversation needs to happen again. I told myself when my lesbian flag and pin came in the mail, I would talk to him again. It’s being delivered today. I am terrified, to say the least. It feels so wrong to “betray” this man who has dedicated to much time and work to giving us as good a life as he can. But I need to live my truth. It will come. I’m low-key excited for it. I hope maybe this helps someone going through the same thing.

-Anonymous Married Lesbian

[snowstorm808]

Queen For Seven Days

         Alas, my heart is beating again. It has been awhile since my heart last beat this way over a K-drama. I felt strong emotions which I think I last felt for Queen Seon Deok. Though tons of K-dramas came my way through the years, I don't remember feeling this way in the past five years or so. At first, it was just the actors casted and the plot line that made it irresistible for me. But the historical basis was just so fascinating, I knew I couldn't miss watching this.

Actors/Cast:

        I must say this is one of those perfectly casted dramas. Regardless of my biases or prejudices, it was a stellar cast from the main ones down to every one else.

Park Min Young as Shin Chae Kyung/ Queen Dankyung - Through the years, I've watched several of her works back from the first High Kick. It was evident how she has matured into an actress who can truly act. I personally feel that this is Park Min Young's best role yet. I mean did anyone pay attention to her hanboks? She pointed it out in an interview and I admit, the hanboks she wore as Chae Kyung are the pretties ones I've seen in dramaland. That aside, PMK really made use of the 'less is more' in terms of her acting AND make up. I love the contrast of Chae Kyung's character who can be childish & mature then dimwitted & clever the next moment. I think these traits brought her closer to the viewers' hearts like myself. I was truly rooting for her.

Yeon Woo Jin as Lee Yeok/ King Jungjong - From the moment I saw him in Arang and the Magistrate, I have never forgotten him. I found my self rooting for him in the drama towards the end. Sadly, the succeeding productions he starred in, weren't at par with the acting skill I saw in him then. Most recently, I followed Introverted Boss but was yet again disappointed with how the story went and the lead actress. When this production came, I knew it would be perfect for him. Finally, I saw for my self that acting skill I knew he had. Yeon Woo Jin's eyes are so expressive whether he's a villain, protagonist or simply a man in love. I think I saw every emotion possible in his eyes throughout the drama. I must say, the look he had on his face during that archery scene with Lee Yung when he was describing why he's the perfect guy to marry Chae Kyung was...sexy and dreamy. I think the character of Lee Yeok is quite resentful and pathetic. I felt bad how he couldn't do much for Chae Kyung. It was really a mixture of emotions for me. I was totally drawn in by the story and characters. I hope to see more of Yeon Woo Jin in the future. Also, must add, YWJ & PMK's chemistry was so good. It was the best so far and I never felt any animosity between the actors unlike in 'Healer'.

Lee Dong Geun as Lee Yung/ King Yeonsangun - I still remember him clearly from Lovers in Paris. Though I'm not a fan of the drama, it was the first ever K-drama I watched making him my first ever Korean crush followed by Kim Rae Won who was totally swoon worthy in Doctors. I was barely ten years old then so it makes me feel so old right now. As much as I know he's a great actor, I wasn't too keen to watch him after that brouhaha from his personal life. I am aware that it's none of business and I'm in no place to judge him but I still think he cheated on Ji Yeon and got another woman pregnant. Not to mention i have always disliked Jo Yoon Hee ever since I first laid eyes on her in Lie To Me. With that much said, I was surprised Lee Dong Geun would take the role of Lee Yung who isn't even the actual lead. However, when the first episode aired, I came to understand why he took on such a role. It was a rich character and I doubt anyone would be able to pull it off with such vigor. Just as I mentioned, I eventually forgot my prejudice against him. At least while watching the drama. His portrayal of the tyrannical King Yeonsangun, was spectacular. I'm pretty sure viewers were taken on a ride of different emotions for this character throughout the drama's 20 episode run. I strongly think this is Lee Dong Geun's best role yet.

Uhm Hye Ran as Chae Kyung’s Nanny - I initially planned to write about the three main leads only, but I simply can't leave out Nanny who gave so much life to every episode. She's so adorable I wanted to keep her in my pocket. Seriously though, I don't think Shin Chae Kyung would be complete without her. I love how sharp-tongued she could get AND at the right time too. It was such a relief she stayed on to take care of our heroine till the end.

I don't even know where to start describing my love for this drama. It has been awhile since I was last captivated and deeply affected like this. Earlier in the drama, I researched on the actual historical characters because I felt as if I would die from curiosity. I was so engrossed and invested in the story and the characters. The mere fact that Chae Kyung is a character who became a Queen for Seven Days already got my interest.The drama was like a fan fiction come to life of those historical figures. This actually brings to mind book, Reciever of Many by Kata Chthonia aka Rachel Alexander which tells the love story between Greek dieties, Hades Aidonous and Persephone.

As if the plot wasn't enough reason to fall in love, this drama is also one of those underrated quality productions. The writer and every one else involved, paid close attention to the nitty-gritty of the drama. I love the lines were so romantic and poetic with great timing. It actually caused me to swoon over Lee Yeong and Chae Kyung a bit despite of his absurdity and tyranny. There was definitely great team work between the cast & the production team.

I definitely enjoyed watching Queen for Seven Days. Thankfully, the ending was a more romantic version of what truly transpired down in history or I would've cried non-stop instead of just tears rolling down quietly. Definitely, one of the most beautiful Korean dramas I have ever watched in these 10 years.

Fact Spoiler:

Lee Yeong aka King Yeonsangun is the king in The King and The Clown with Lee Jun Ki. Actually, the tyranny shown in the drama was somehow tamed. He even went as far as closing down Sungkyunkwan University and turning it into his own Gibang or (Gisaeng House).

Lee Yeok aka King Jungjong is the king on Jewel on the Palace who made Jang Geum the first female Royal Doctor.

[papaculture]

Ivor the Engine

There is a moment in most parents’ lives when their children discover trains. Having been a budding trainspotter myself — and briefly, if less glamorously, a bus-spotter — I’m at a loss to fully explain the magic that things on wheels possess. To be honest, I’m still slightly magicked.

Most magical of all trains is, of course, the steam engine. With its belly of fire and snout of steam (the mechanics of which appear reasonably and appealingly explicable to a young ‘un), it’s the closest most kids will get to coming face-to-face with a mythical beast.

Trains are also all about rules. While cars and trucks are unwieldy and unpredictable, capable of going anywhere, a train (and to a lesser extent, a bus) is confined to a fixed course. I suspect there is a comfort in that.

Signals and junctions and forks and turntables provide kids with a whole language of control. As a six-year-old, I used to plot extravagant courses with marker pen and butcher’s paper and run my Matchbox trains to a strict timetable. Clearly, I had issues.

Thomas the Brown Noser

For Child One, the train obsession really took off when she was two. It sprang from her early love of books. We found a beautiful volume of Thomas The Tank Engine stories in a Chapel Street op shop, which tickled her bibliophilia and my nostalgia bone. While One enjoyed the stories (except the distressing one where Henry was bricked into a tunnel), it didn’t take me long to realise the Thomas stories are pretty seriously unpleasant.

Leaving aside the issues around gender representation (the later books attempt to redress this somewhat, but even then it’s often a female engine a) causing trouble or b) trying to prove she’s almost as good as the boys), there’s a real well of nastiness to Thomas.

The engines are constantly bickering and attempting to “pay each other out”. Their sole purpose to is to become “really useful engines” — rather literal cogs in the machine. The Fat Controller is a cruel headmaster figure, frequently delivering extreme scolding and punishments.

If you went to an English boarding school in the 1950s, it would likely feel grimly familiar. Likewise if you went on to work in a bullying corporate environment. I quite enjoyed a recent theory that argued that the Isle of Sodor is actually set in a dystopian parallel universe.

Ivor the Engine

Looking to cater to One’s new obsession with steam, I remembered Ivor The Engine. As a child, I’d had two Ivor books — The Elephant and The Dragon. Written by Oliver Postgate and illustrated by Peter Firmin (the duo behind Bagpuss, Noggin the Nog and Clangers), these lyrical tales are a perfect antidote to Thomas’s brutal world of bureaucracy, backbiting and workaholism.

In one of the stories, Ivor and his driver take the day off to go fishing. When Thomas tries his hand at angling, it nearly kills him and he learns to keep his mind on the job.

Ivor doesn’t have a face or a voice. He doesn’t even have a name (Ivor is a nickname because “the  Locomotive of the Merioneth and Llantisilly Rail Traction Company Limited… was a long name for a little engine”). But through his whistled interactions with driver (and interpreter) Jones the Steam, he is given more depth and humanity than any of Awdry’s trains.

Ivor lives in rail shed attached to a railway in the top left-hand corner of Wales, a branch line that is described as being neither long nor important. When he proves himself useful, it’s as a member of the local community rather than through ruthless efficiency. He helps lure pigeons from a villager’s roof, assists a wounded elephant, saves lost sheep and runs packages to the needy up and down his branch line. When hunters threaten the lives of a local family of foxes, Ivor and Jones effect a clever escape.

While Thomas and “friends” are in constant competition to prove themselves the fastest, prettiest or most efficient worker, Ivor instead takes pleasure from his surroundings, his friends and, well, just being alive. There's mindfulness for you.

POOP POOP POOPETY-POOP went Ivor’s whistle as they rounded the bend above Llaniog. He wasn’t whistling a warning. He wasn’t whistling a signal. He was whistling for the joy of being alive and steaming, for the joy of seeing the cows in the fields and the sheep on the hills and the big wheel of the Pit spinning in the sunshine.

I don’t think it’s a stretch to see a touch of Dylan Thomas’s Under Milkwood to the writing here, which embraces its Welsh setting through a conversational style peppered with colourful turns of phrase. Even if a parent isn’t bold enough to attempt a Welsh accent, these books are a joy to read aloud.

Rail Against The Machine

Bureaucracy is often the enemy here. In the first story, Ivor decides he wants to join the local choir, so Dai the Station has to check if it’s against regulations. (Head office ultimately sign off on it.) In The Dragon (star Idris is “not one of your lumping great fairy-tale dragons… [but] a small trim, heraldic Welsh dragon, glowing red-hot and smiling”), Dai tries to force Ivor’s scaly new friend out of his firebox and into the “proper container for carrying livestock”. Later, Idris is forced to flee from the railway after an “investigation” is launched into his existence.

“NO!” cried Idris. “No! Dragons are mythical! No, I must not be investigated! No! No! No!”

Thankfully, the local community come together to shield Idris from the excoriating gaze of authority.

Most frighteningly, Ivor himself is threatened when the owners of his railway decide to sell off to a national company that plans to replace him with a diesel. (Not quite as frightening as when Thomas’s cronies are threatened with the scrapyard.) His salvation comes not by proving himself a vital asset to the functioning of the marketplace, but rather as repayment for his past kindnesses.

There is a joy and a magic to these tales that doesn’t undermine the background texture of social realism — the mines, the gasworks, the fish and chip shop. Thomas might depict society as it often is, but Postgate and Firmin offer a glimpse of community as it should be. People who delight in their interactions, who tolerate eccentricity and who find pleasure in their work but are not crushed by the weight of material aspirations.

Compassion and Contentment

The real star, Ivor aside, is Jones the Steam. He is a man in his element, happy in himself and his work and seemingly wanting nothing more. He doesn’t aspire to be a station master or to run his own railway. Although he enjoys performing his errands, Jones’s greatest pleasure is making his morning cup of tea from Ivor’s boiler.

He is compassionate and sensitive, always keen to help, and blind to his own quirks. It’s left to us to decide whether Ivor has an intelligence (I think he does) or whether Jones merely ascribes one to him. Other characters rib him for talking to Ivor, but affectionately so. There is no cruelty here. Only once do we see Jones lose his temper, when dealing with a truculent elephant.

I first encountered these stories as books, without realising they were sprung from a television series that originally screened in the 1950s and 1960s. (The books are far from the usual afterthought cash in, each story lovingly rewritten and reillustrated by the original team.) 

The colour episodes are available on DVD and were some of the first television we showed to Child One. There is an enchanting simplicity to the cut-out animation and a leisurely pace to the storytelling that makes them feel very much like a picture book brought to gentle life.

Postgate does most of the voices himself. He is a perennially comforting, sedate presence. As Charlie Brooker once wrote: “there is no more calming sound in the world than the voice of Oliver Postgate. With him narrating your life, you'd feel cosy and safe even during a gas explosion. It floated above all these stories, that voice; wound its way through them.”

The episodes are also available (in pretty terrible quality) on YouTube and, thanks to Postgate’s tender narration, make for delightful audiobooks if you leave the screen off. By a stroke of luck, I recently found a copy of ten of the stories on vinyl.

BOOKS

The Ivor books are all out of print, but readily available via eBay or Abe’s Books.

Ivor The Engine Storybook (published 1982). This is the perfect starter, containing four tales. The First Story, Snowdrifts, The Elephant and The Dragon. Hardbound. Each story takes about 10 minutes to read.

The First Story

Snowdrifts

The Elephant

The Dragon

Ivor’s Birthday

The Foxes

All released in hardback in the early 1990s.

DVD

The Complete Ivor The Engine (Universal Pictures, 2006, 186 minutes)

All the colour episodes of the classic Sixties and Seventies children's series. Enjoy once again the adventures of Welsh steam engine Ivor, Jones the Steam and the good people at the Merioneth and Llantisilly Rail Traction Company - not to mention the dragon and his chestnut barrow!

AUDIO

Ivor The Engine And Pogles Wood by Vernon Elliott

Not sure how much the kids will enjoy this, but it’s pretty delightful. Woodwind and brass score, which (like the sound effects from the TV show) has the benefit of being easily imitated by non-musical parents

MERCHANDISE

Not a lot. There’s a board game I haven’t played, some resin models of Ivor and — perhaps most tempting — a plush Idris the Dragon (not baby safe). Etsy has a few handmade treasures.

THE SHORT STUFF

Age and stage: 2+

Gender stuff: not great. There's a female vet, female shopkeepers and a batty old woman or two, but that's about it. I tend to read the dragon as female, but he's described as being male.

Drama: minimal, with few moments of tension. When younger, Child One was only distressed by the fox hunting sequence in The Foxes (spoiler: the fox lives).

Outdated bits: leaving aside the old school tech and above-mentioned gender issues, it's hard not to feel uneasy about the stereotyped Indian elephant keeper. There's otherwise a distinct lack of diversity.

Themes: community, individuality, compassion, anti-bureaucracy, mindfulness, tolerance, contentment, mythology, the wonder of steam.