#thankfully i've got time
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stayed up until 1:30 AM playing chronicles & working on the klapollo t4t fic. checked the fic draft this morning and it’s only about half-coherent. nice.
#saturn.txt#when i tell you that i am INCAPABLE of brevity in my writing#this entire fic was supposed to be hehe transfem klavier hehe transmasc apollo#but somehow it became about abandonment issues and apollo's search for a purpose in life#like hello#I MIGHT HONESTLY. TRY AGAIN W/ A DIFFERENT ANGLE.#it's supposed to be a little pride month fun thing but i might just give up and work on the vera fic honestly#thankfully i've got time
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My brain recently decided that I was going to get into pixel art, and for the past few days I've been stuck at home with covid and nothing to do, so if you send me an ask for something simple (animal, bug, plant, whatever). I'll try to make you a 16x16 sprite of it :))
like one of these flowers:
or this rolly polly (but I'm probably not gonna animate more)
#This is the first time I've got covid EVER😭#thankfully it doesn't feel worse than a cold but still#I tried drawing Simon but it's.... bad#I don't know how to draw people which is something I maybe should work on#corascrap#art#ask game#asks open#pixel art
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yayyyy i drew something holy shi-
spoilers for initial d zine
#i've been procrastinating on these so hardly#but like holy shit i forgot how time consuming the 5/2 job is like wtf#thankfully i got 4/4 rn but like#initial d#shingo shoji#shoji shingo#initial d shingo#nakazato takeshi#takeshi nakazato#initial d nakazato
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My father being like "I gotta stay busy" due to the state of things like undiagnosed mental illness must be a bitch at 70+
#I've told both of my parents to go to therapy or get some form of evaluations since I got issues and they stem from somewhere (them)#multiple times#but they're making me nervous because of their anxiety#and we have fairly simple solutions to our problems from the hurricane thankfully#insurance + FEMA#but being stuck with them through this is gonna be a trip#jackal's journal
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I got to see Wicked tonight since my mom took me. Man. D.efying Gravity still hits me straight in the gut 😂.
#&&. I've never seen the musical on broadway#&&. never had the chance to#&&. But I did listen to defying gravity A LOT when I graduated high school in 2012#&&. because for reasons I won't delve into#&&. just know a close family member who I got betrayed by thought my art would NEVER amount to anything before they left#&&. once upon a time I used to practice art using pure spite and I listened to that song religiously to remind me that their words won't#&&. hold me down#&&. I've long lost the need to practice out of spite since that burnt me out around 2017 haha#&&. Thankfully I've figured out how to improve without that negativity and it's done me a whole lot of good#&&. but man that song hits me every time it plays a huge role in me starting out as an artist haha#&&. the author speaks ( ooc )
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I drew this explanation post for why I was completely inactive for a week, but then felt too anxious and drained to post it, and subsequently disappeared for a second week
Two main blog drawings and one side blog wip later, I remembered I made this and still think it's funny, so even though I stopped being dead (TM) I still wanted to share lol
Brief series of events at work
^^^old, but I'm still taking it easy so posts on both this blog and my alt will continue to be scattered for now
#so for those of you that don't know; i have moderate combined scoliosis#my entire back is always at least a little strained so i have to really watch my physical activity#but i live in Tennessee where we have the lowest federally allowed minimum wage#so in order to pay for college i have to work in a package distribution company because it's the only place that pays well/has a scholarshi#I'm in the small package dept thankfully (bc spine)#but for the last three months one specific manager kept sending me out to a different area with the heaviest packages in the building#when i first disappeared it was because i was having trouble walking and using stairs lmao#I complained to that manager and it seems I'll be in smalls again for the foreseeable future; so I've had time to recover and am better :D#every day i didn't post after that was due to anxiety and a low social battery BUT I'm getting slightly better on that front too#i have been *very* aware of my spine lately though#the last time I got an xray was ten years ago and i wonder if it's changed since then... not that i can afford a new xray lol#also can i just take a space to complain about the US not using the metric system#so many packages have kilograms ONLY and i have NO frame of reference for that since we don't use kilograms anywhere else#''ooh wow 70 is a big number but surely it can't be that baD- HOLY SHIT THAT'S 154 POUNDS'' <- me all the time#at this point I myself will just switch to metric and make life harder for both myself and life around me out of principle
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First of all, a delightful name for a quest. Love it.
Second of all, this honestly should've been a short quest where you collect clues and have some banter, which would culminate in this conversation. I think as such this conversation is perfectly fine. (Well, at least with my limited knowledge of the topic as a cis woman.) However, just going there and having this talk, without more context and a little more build up, feels... a little abrupt, and (maybe I'm dense but) I was confused about how Taash arrived at the conclusion that the Antaam was blighting dragons. (Then again, when playing a new game, I can get distracted, so I might have missed something before.) They identify the Antaam by finding the ropes, which makes sense to me, but the rest seems less clear. I do appreciate what they're trying to do with Taash and the kind of story they're trying to tell, probably knowing full well how that's going to go, considering the state of the internet these days. I think that's great, and I really enjoy Taash as a character. But I said in my "review" before that Taash could use more questing, and I wanted to show what I meant. This is one of those moments when I thought, "This should've been a short quest instead of just a dialogue cutscene." Then again, I like dialogue cutscenes, so I can't complain too much, but I do think that if there were some more clues and banter leading up to this conversation, it would help us better understand the situation with the blighted dragons, because that tells us something about the methods of the main villains which connects it to the main plot, and also Taash as a character that is working through something very difficult which is undoubtedly a process worth showing.
#Dragon Age#Dragon Age: The Veilguard#DATV#Veilguard#Taash#DATV spoilers#Veilguard spoilers#honestly I can barely imagine what it's like to be figuring this all out in real life with access to the internet#let alone in a universe where you have maybe some books and a word of mouth - thankfully we have Neve's connections#but I've got to say that the stuff Taash is going through is surprisingly relatable... except for them it's an identity thing#and for me it is... was... internalized misogyny I guess... and norms and stereotypes#'nobody likes to be a woman'#'she said I act more like a man than a woman. why does it feel right?'#like I know this feeling and I'm a cis woman#funnily enough I was told I'm 'worse than a man' just a couple of days ago because I was angry haha#like this whole thing made me think about what being a woman even means to me and fuck if I know#like I'm not questioning my gender‚ I'm fine in that department#but when I had my Rook say 'I do like being a woman' I thought 'do I?' don't think I've ever felt so strongly about it as to say I like it#but it's like... fine I guess#it definitely sometimes feels like I'm a woman in a different way than... well... most women I know#not in a 'not like the other girls' kind of way I mean. more like a bull in a china shop way in comparison#like I don't feel 'feminine' shaped enough or 'feminine' flavoured enough or whatever#like I want to be pretty and look good in a dress and I envy some women's 'feminine' beauty but at the same time... couldn't be me#I mean it's all bullshit isn't it? it shouldn't matter#but like I get it#I get where that is coming from
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There is not a single homely thing that, looked at from a certain angle, does not become fairy. Think of the Dapple, or the Dawl, when they roll the sunset towards the east. Think of an autumn wood, or a hawthorn in May. A hawthorn in May — there’s a miracle for you! Who would ever have dreamed that that gnarled stumpy old tree had the power to do that? Well, all these things are familiar sights, but what should we think if never having seen them we read a description of them, or saw them for the first time? A golden river! Flaming trees! Trees that suddenly break into flower! For all we know, it may be Dorimare that is Fairyland to the people across the Debatable Hill
-Lud-in-the-Mist, Hope Mirrlees
#lud-in-the-mist#books#i was so upset i couldn't read emily wilde that i racked my brain trying to come up with an acceptable replacement#then i remembered this book has been on my tbr for a long time and gave it a try#excellent excellent choice#i couldn't believe it's as old as they say because the story felt so confident in what it was doing#none of the quaint whimsy or self-parody you tend to see from pre-tolkien fairy stories#gorgeous prose#i've got so many highlights#this is easiest to share independently#thanks to the chestertonian nature#i didn't like everything ('initiation into the mysteries' sets off my freemason alarms though thankfully it didn't go beyond a few mentions#and i'm not sure i understood everything#but i did love it all the same#also looking at goodreads i seem to be the only person who didn't read it because of ne*l ga*man#i can even say i read it in spite of him
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I ran into like, 11 mishaps trying to get to the bus but it's fine now x.x pen convention here I come!!
#personal#got up at 6:30 a.m. in the morning for this D:#thankfully I've been on time for basically all of it
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my brother today: so, uh...what's the word on that crochet basket my wife asked you about? she's started her nesting phase...
me, looking between said basket and the blisters on my hands: it's coming along great! it'll absolutely be done in time for Mom to deliver it!
#no one look at me#or the original messages between me and my sister-in-law which are from the end of NOVEMBER#(in my defense I had to restart this thing like four times to get the measurements and stitches right)#(and I had to double-up the yarn--which had to be shipped internationally)#(and I had to undo several rows because I hated how it looked)#(and it STILL has a wonky stitch that looks too much like a seam but I cannot fix it)#(I simply do not have it in me to undo all these rows again for the fifth time)#THANKFULLY when I finally sent pictures to my s-i-l (tonight) she liked the adjustments I had to make for my sanity#regrettably she then asked me about price which I don't want to discuss because it's been FIVE MONTHS and it's not perfect#I guess love means making something that brings me no enjoyment because it's not perfect and I can't bear to look at it#but it makes her happy so I'll finish it if it kills me#(my hands hurt so bad I need to find that post with the helpful stretches)#(and then I need to figure out how to get over the horrible bad habit of putting off communicating with someone for months at a time)#(ok I'm done whining)#(maybe)#(I want to eat but I need to go take care of the second job but I want to nap in the hammock#and at the end of it all I still will have to work up at least two more rows)#(woe woe etc the trials of being a human being truly man was born for suffering)#(the good news is that I don't think anyone else will really notice the ugly seam I've got going on)
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i'm fairly confident in my ability to draw armor but now and then I'll be sure it looks terrible and have to resist the urge to redraw it again from scratch
#i'm nearly done with one thing i'm working on and digging for refs for a second#thankfully halo and mass effect armor are similar so should be a good groove to stay in#but after drawing fantasy armor all year going to sci-fi is a little more difficult than i expected lol#i'm having fun though so no complaints here#i'm also working on the last of the one set of combat sketches and starting to pick out poses for the next set#debating if i should do my wow ones next like i planned or swtor cause i got kara on my mind today#or just roulette it and draw whoever comes up since that works out well most of the time!#or just do some coloring of the ones i've finished. i think they might look cool if i like finish finished them instead of just sketches#but also i like them just sketches....
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We're not having a fun time right now
#like thankfully I don't have an infection from where they took my wisdom teeth out#but basically it's not healing properly so I am at quite high risk of infection#and they've put this stuff in my mouth to try and get it to heal normally#AND IT TASTES FUCKING DISGUSTING#I was listerally crying while they were doing it because of how bad it tastes#and everything is just so overwhelming right now#like this is the busiest my life has ever been#and realistically I know it's not that busy but as someone who spent a long time just rotting in bed this is a big jump#and I've got work stuff to be doing and I'm going to London next week and I'm also dealing with really bad tooth pain#and I'm very overwhelmed but there isn't really anything I can do but just keep going and maybe cry about it#which is what I'm going to do now
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Oh little people in my phone, we're really in it now 😔😔
#it's lay on my bed yell into mattress hours#I can't tell if I'm reasonably stressed. over stimulated. or emotionally heightened because of the steroid I am on. but#today has been too many things and I feel.#sooooooo done#so done with everything#it raining and I haven't seen the sun in ages. I have bronchitis and haven't been Not Sick in a whole ass month#I have so many things to get done before Christmas which is IN A WEEK JESUS CHRIST#my CAR isn't drivable which SUCKS and it needs new TIRES and probably very expensive ENGINE REPAIRS and#my dad says he can fix them but I still have to take it into the shop just to make sure we know for sure what the problem is but#the it's already going to be in the shop and HES SICK and also like. busy. and doesn't have time to fix car#and so I might as well just pay out the fucking wazooo for them to fix it#but idk how long that will take#and I'm borrowing my grandmas car which is GREAT! like I'm so grateful to have that as an option but also! I feel BAD because it's her car#and she does actually use it and like. I don't want to take that away from her for too long#because then I feel BURDENSOME#and my mom just told me that one of my relatives just passed away and I didn't know her too well but her mom ALSO died last year like#On Christmas Day like very traumatically and I feel soo soo bad for all my cousins who have basically just had the entire Christmas season#ruined for them because they will have lost their mom AND their grandma around that time#and that HORRIBLE like oh my godddddd#and like#this holiday seasons is feeling very weird and different and worse and not BAD But like many things have changed this year and as someone#who does NOT enjoy little changes in routine and appreciates tradition uh. hehe the lines are blurring and it's stressing me outtttttt#and I got home and I had to pee and I look like shit because I've been running around all day#only to realize I left my keys Inside The House and my roomate had locked the door when he went to the gym and#thankfully the gym is a stones throw away from our house but he wasn't answering his phone#so I had to GO THERE. THROUGH THE RAIN. looking like the amount of tired and done that I am. and walk into the gym that is naturally PACKED#because it's right after work. and do the walk of shame past the v friendly gym owner who I haven't seen in MONTJ because I've been SICK#and haven't been able to work out which i ALSO FEEL GUILTY AND BAD ABOUT and#walked past all the Busy Fit Gym People in my normal person clothes to the very back where my roomate was and stand there while he finishes#his silly little reps to get his keys from him
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I know you think you see me but you don't. It's Thanksgiving and that means I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Guilder to blame for it. I'm swamped!
#:: ooc ::#Legit only here for coffee time to throw stuff in drafts and lurk for a moment#Translation: I've got potatoes. Sweet potatoes. A Turkey. Stuffing. Waldorf salad. Thankfully i did cranberry sauce yesterday.#Busy busy bee
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#I get tired of people trying to explain what lens I should view the world through; what way I could think that would make everything better#forgive me but I don't care; I do what I do and I do what I can and you don't see the work I do under the hood#I don't want advice on self validation or whatever; I want... I want someone to hold a mirror up so I can actually see myself#by which I mean I want input on how I'm doing; if it's good enough; if it's worth anything; if anything I make is good#everyone things I'm nice; everyone has always thought I'm nice#but given nice leaves me profoundly isolated I don't think I care#not to mention in my opinion what nice in this instance means is that I'm capable of listening#it's mostly that I have manners rather than some quality about me#I'm well behaved and polite and can listen; and that's perceived as nice or even sweet#and it's not like I'm offended by people seeing me that way; but maybe you can get why... I can't do anything with that information#but if I'm doing enough... if I provide any value to the world... I might have heard that less times in my life than years I've lived#that's where I'm totally blind#people don't tend to offer any input; and also people don't tend to let me know what they're thinking#and I in fact am not a mind reader; I can often accurately infer things; but no of that means a thing till it's confirmed#and... well... hopefully no one reads the stupid shit I say and especially not the tags so this is safe and hidden#but truthfully people just like to hear that stuff they're doing is wanted and matters#and I do not#I don't know... gotta go do more cleaning cause I need to#and I have no idea if... I've got a reason for fighting so hard to clean; but I get very little input so... I expect... well...#and thankfully I don't think they read my tags so I can say this#but I really expect they won't take me up on my offer to come out here and get away from their parents; so there will be no pay off#not that I blame them in the slightest... it's just the only possible pay off for this cleaning would be helping someone I like out#and a scrap of company#but then again... in many ways anyone coming out to live with me is the worst thing they could probably do#sorry... I have a rather bleak outlook on many things surrounding myself purely cause of what I infer from the past#there is never pay off; only more shit I need to get done#I will never be loved; I will never be wanted; I will always just kinda be an afterthought that's occasionally worth venting to#no one will ever be particularly interested in anything I'm interested while I'll chase their interests or at least try to#certainly let them talk about them when they want#...though I take that over my normal total isolation... better to at least be permitted to follow in someone's shadow than have nothing
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I'm thinking about my dreams again bc I might actually try to finally map things out (this post made me do it) and I'm realizing a trend;
there's too much water
#i remember most of my dreams since childhood either from writing them down somewhere or something but man--#like it took me.... this long to realize my dreams reuse specific locations for a decade now- ofc there's gonna be new places but#it always usually used to go back there before my head just. created a new place??#i don't usually end up in the first location anymore (thankfully) but the others... wrowie#there's a lot of water though and it's usually just. floods or pools? idk?? mainly floods but#honestly there's so muchhh i could ramble about#but so far i think there are 3 areas at *least* that i think i can map out when i got time just for funsies#i'm not really gonna think about them either but i know for a fact i'll end up in one of them when i try to snoozie later#dreams are so interesting tbh i've been so fascinated with them for yeeears now and-- (i yapped too much if you read the whole thing ily)#i might post the map when i can bc :0c#dove.txt#dream stuff
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