#terminal stages of 'i don't want to work on this anymore'

[c0rpsedemon]

meanwhile the jaubreyverse is abt to start maybe its 4th(?) gen . maybe one day i'll come up w an incarnation of this lot i'm happy w and won't want to change around

[seat-safety-switch]

The grills have fallen still. After a long and productive barbecuing season, the weather has turned and we now face the grim reality of not being able to cook steak outside for the next six to ten months. A pessimist would say that's okay, because nobody can afford steak anymore. An optimist would say that's not okay, because the grocery store doesn't have as much security over the winter.

My own relationship with barbecue is very complicated. Like some of you, I was raised in a traditional household, where it was expected that the man of the house makes dinner approximately once per year, and only with some kind of outdoor grilling implement. This was always either undercooked or near-burned, and so I never quite "got" the cult of televised grilled food competitions that arrived at the turn of the century, when people were losing faith in the old gods of Iron Chef and looking for a new bandwagon to climb onto.

Perhaps things are different down in the south, where the mild weather means that the outdoor chefs get a chance to char their meat at least twice per year. And they're close to places that have actual spices, so close that it seems likely that by sheer chance, a truck full of jalapeños could crash nearby and flavour the meat with aerosolized peppers while the operator of the grille is distracted by the arrival of the fire department. I don't know for sure, and I don't want to speak to their unique culture of "making food hotter."

For me, personally, the only way to enjoy food cooked outside is on a hot exhaust manifold. Wrap your purloined porkchops in tinfoil, slam them into the nookiest part of the engine's hotside, and go for a drive.

When you're done, the food should be well above safe operating temperature. And if not, the thin film of unburned gasoline and oil coming out of the leaking intake manifold gasket ought to kill whatever bacteria is living in there anyway. Importantly, you get a chance to practice this skill each and every time you are forced by the hostile aims of terminal-stage capitalism to drive to work. It's the fastest way to improve your barbecuing game and amaze the neighbours. And why stop there? When you get a Michelin star, you let me know. I bet you get a discount on tires.

[unhappy-last-resort]

Wanshi's Report Log

Warning: yandere themes

A/N: another drabble, trying to work out how I want these fuckwads to be written

I got assigned to a scout mission in City 006 to investigate an old research lab. Everything went according to the plan Captain planned out, though he put some emphasis on finishing this quickly... Guess Captain's busy. Hopefully that means I can catch up on my sleep.

Anyway, Me and Camu went on either side of parameters of the lab while Captain and Kamui started investigating inside. Nothing too unusual, other than catching a glimpse of someone scurrying out into the city...they looked pretty similar to that ascendant Roland, the one with the newer frame.

I told Capt about it and he told us to continue investigating the outer areas and keep an eye out for anything else before meeting up in the center of the lab.

We continued investigating and didn't find anything of note, other than some dusty puppets and a makeshift stage in an abandoned apartment. One of the puppets looked like Roland, and the others looked like Alpha, Luna, Lamia and... Uh, I forgot the last one.

I told Captain about the puppets when we met up, though he was acting a little weird. He was smiling to himself and had his hand on his in-ear piece...he's been doing that a lot lately, Kamui even made a joke that Captain must have a partner, but then Capt scolded him about staying focused. Even though it was a joke, he seemed unusually upset about it...

Sorry, this doesn't belong in a mission report. Anyway, we searched through the rest of the lab with only an occasional corrupted impeding our path. We successfully found all of the mission targets and are currently en-route to Babylonia.

-

A soft click of my terminal announces the end of my report log. All things considered, this was relatively easy, especially for something that called the entire Strike Hawk squad. A displeased sigh left my lips as I stared idly at the ceiling of the transport craft. I could've been sleeping in the Gray Raven lounge instead of doing this.

I steal a glance at my teammates. Kamui is playing a game he somehow got on his terminal, Camu is sitting farthest from us seemingly thinking about something, and Captain... He's doing it again. Chrome's sitting across from me and staring at something in his private terminal while listening to something on his in-ear piece, whatever he's watching...it's certainly making him happy in a way I've never seen before.

I look at him for a moment longer in apprehension. In the recent past, I wouldn't hesitate to ask him what's going on... but now, there's something drifting between us. Between all of us that no one seems willing to talk about.

I have my suspicions of course. Like how Kamui and Camu seem excessively clingy to the Commandant, excessively so, and how Chrome always seems to be watching the Commandant like a hawk whenever they're in his vision.

I'm in no place to judge though. I can't say with confidence my weekly visits to their room are entirely pure in nature anymore, I'm also finding it harder to be without them. I look down at my hands for a moment and close my eyes, it's not my fault their room is so much more comfortable than anywhere else and how their scent is so relaxing.

I sigh again and cast a glance over my three teammates again, carefully observing their facial expressions and body language. If it wasn't for them keeping me grounded, I don't know where I'd be. Probably killed by some self-righteous Purifying Force member by now. That's why I can't stand that this is happening. Even if the Commandant finally gives themselves to me tomorrow, if I can't live with Strike Hawk by my side, then what's the point? I'd be dead if it wasn't for them, no way am I letting something come between us.

Maybe I'm too greedy, but I can't help it. I want what's mine to stay mine. I can't let go of either of them.

I inhale deeply as a multitude of ideas and potential outcomes race through my M.I.N.D.. "How troublesome." I mutter to myself close my eyes and ready myself for a nap. I'll need the energy for what I have to do later.

[lgbtmi]

addison-post more icon🙏

[ sweats profusely!!! ] i have many things to say about her but also i don't want to overwhelm dashboards with random shit about my vampire: the requiem-nosferatu!! but because i appreciate your ask!! i will spend the next 28 minutes watching grey's anatomy and writing a bunch about addie under the cut <3

apologies if it's unhinged or unclear, there's probably content warnings regarding suicide or depression in there (because freshly embraced addie is on my mind) but any more questions or dm's about this creacher are more than acceptable!! ty for endulging me :3

Okay. Imagine. You're at the top of your game. You're at the start of your adult life, fresh off your first big Broadway gig and on the verge of your next one. Hell, you're barely twenty-two and now in the brief Broadway revival of Phantom of the Opera. You got to go on as Meg Giry, reviews are raving.

During Wednesday's performance, understudy Addison Fletcher stepped into the role of Meg Giry. Fletcher, whose background in classical dance shines through in every movement, brings exceptional grace to the role. Her fouettés during the "Hannibal" ballet sequence drew spontaneous applause, while her bright, pure voice in "Angel of Music" blends beautifully with Hayes, their duet suggesting years of friendship through pure musical chemistry. Fletcher brings surprising depth to what could be a simple supporting role, crafting a mother-daughter relationship with Rossi that feels lived-in and complex.

And just like that, everything you've worked your ass off for is taken away from you.

In a Brooklyn (sad excuse for an) apartment lies Addison Fletcher. Curled up into a fetal position, arms wrapped around her knees, on a mattress in what was once her closet. Clothes she may or may not have stolen from productions hang on hangers above her head. The floor is filled with playbills, scripts. If you didn't know any better, you might've thought this was once the house of a hoarder.

It's been five days since her world drastically changed. She's gone off the radar, has not left her apartment for anything other than trying to fill the void that the monster she has become longs for. Sly has been by and has forced her to go out, but mostly it's been just Addison and these few walls.

Her phone beeps. The sound indicating a new text message from the stage manager. It takes a while for her to reach out and grab the phone. Niamh, the lead Meg Giry, is down with a sickness. It's up to Addison to take over the part. But she leaves the message, unopened, another unread message to add to the pile. A different beep follows a few hours later. An email this time. She's to contact stage management.

I could curl up and hide in my room / there in my bed still sobbing tomorrow

Days turn into weeks. The walls of her closet creep ever closer. She misses the stage, the applause, the one thing she was made for taken away by violence. A literal phantom, snatching her right off the stage of the theatre that means so much to her.

Sly has been by. She asked him for clarity, for more information, for the why when she wasn't sure whether she truly wanted to know the answer. Apparently he was sent to kill her. It took mere fragments of seconds before the words had left her mouth, her voice unfamiliar to herself. You should have just let me died. It'd be better than this. The words came from a corner, settled in her throat, accompanied by a crumpled up playbill for an off-Broadway production she saw months ago. It flew across the room, right at her Phantom. One of many.

He doesn't believe her. Does not think she's serious when she says death would be preferable. But he doesn't get it. Part of her already died. Addison can't hit the stage anymore, her voice has been taken away from her, and not even for the promise of love. If anything, it's what keeps her lonely. People keep messaging her, the pile of messages growing and growing and growing. She's been terminated from Phantom of the Opera, a fellow actor texts her about how her things have been cleared out - I've saved your lucky pointe shoes in case you want them. Miss you. Hope you're okay. Of course she wants the pointe shoes back, but they're a fleeting reminder of what - and where - she should have been. Maybe watching one more sunrise would not be too bad. One last dance. One last performance.

She's made her way out, she hides in the shadows and watches people go on with their lives while hers has been brutally halted. This is it. Her final bow. But before she gets the chance, she's once again swept away by Sly Bailey, Phantom of her opera. He pulls her aside, drags her into an alleyway. Face bleeding just slightly more than the last time she saw her. It still manages to make her nauseous.

"You don't think I'd let you die that easy, right princess?"

[freezethebeez]

Okay a Tommy chapter would be fine. Fun, even. But please please please I'm begging you to work a little on how you write restrictive eating disorders.

It's not about not being hungry. AT ALL. Unless you're fasting for more than four days (and, please, PLEASE emphasise that if Tommy ever fasted longer than a day, he would be counting the hours religiously), the hunger is constantly present. After about the four day mark, it eases up, but you're still obsessed with food, and you would not be able to act normal.

You've also said that the challenge with helping Tommy was starting him off with a slice of toast and working his way up, and even once he was eating full meals, he still struggled with every bite. Now listen. If you have been purposefully - and I mean PURPOSEFULLY, which is the very definition of anorexia nervosa - starving yourself, then the second you start eating more, you're going to be hungry. He was IN HOSPITAL. At that point, he's forced to eat more whether he likes it or not, and the hunger would hit him hard. And it would be uncontrollable. You've written it really well with Ranboo, but it would work even better for Tommy - especially if you can factor in the terror of him losing himself. If he's built his identity on eating as little as possible, it'll be nightmarish when he's suddenly clearing out the cupboard. But it will happen nonetheless.

Anorexia nervosa is not accidental. And it's not about not caring about food. Please, please don't confuse it with ARFID or lack of appetite. It tends to only reach that level of disinterest in eating during the late (and by 'late' I mean terminal) stages.

I think it's easier to write if you look at it as OCD - with which there's an EXTREME overlap. The obsession can be anything - fear of being fat, of being unlovable, of eating and eating and eating because god knows that if you started you wouldn't stop. Maybe Tommy just wants to feel small again so his dad will stop thinking he's strong enough to take care of himself. And the compulsion is obvious - it's hunger, and numbers. About a million sets of them. It's numbers as punishment, and numbers to stop the pain, and numbers as a way of describing what it feels like to hollow yourself out and scrape away your insides. But it's never, ever going to be an unconscious action. Anorexia nervosa is not a default. A default coping mechanism, maybe, but not from birth. Please keep in mind that Tommy could not be doing this unconsciously.

Also there was that one part in the chapter 21 when Tubbo checks for cuts. If Tommy cut there previously, the skin wouldn't be smooth. The skin will never be smooth. There's a good metaphor in there somewhere, and I sure hope you use it.

Sorry about all this. Every other Sunday I say YIPPEE!!!!! IT'S CATALYST SATURDAY!!!!!!!! So I love your work and also everything about you

thank you so much for this. constructive criticism is something i think i need more of, honestly.

anything related to eating disorders in catalyst is based on my own experience with them. i did take a few guesses for some parts (like tommy being hospitalized. i never was), but for the most part, i'm going off memory.

i've been recovered for about two years now, so while i remember some of my lowest moments, the day-to-day stuff has completely left me.

this probably isn't noticeable at all in catalyst (which is completely my bad for not making it clear or mentioning it at all), but tommy's not actually worried about the hunger, hunger is just a byproduct. he is very concerned about the numbers. and the only point where that would have been implied was when tommy was reading the poem in tubbo's dream (“Numbers don't mean as much to me anymore. The calculator in my brain has lost its batteries" which is SUPER implicit and i should probably clear that up).

i have a small backstory for tommy somewhat written in my drafts. in it, it's clear that he's focused on numbers— focused on them because it's the only sense of control in his life— as well as what happens when you present him with a hamburger and tell him to eat it (which is entirely based on a time in which i stared at a hamburger, debating whether or not i should eat it, and started crying. one of the many fond memories of which you're allowed to giggle at because i find them funny now). i'm aware that one does not act normal when you have are numbers in the brain. i remember getting a low mark on a math test (ironically enough) because i literally could not think of anything else besides what i ate that day, and what i had left.

tommy starting out small and working up to bigger meals was how i got better on my own (which i had to do. i wasn't able to see a therapist at the time and i knew there was a problem so i did my best to fix it. it wasn't easy, nor fun, nor was the process linear). again, i have never been hospitalized, so i really don't know what happens there. my road to recovery was essentially "still don't eat a lot, like, just a little more than usual, but also workout more because that's definitely healthier" and after that everything just kind of blurred. the exercise put me in a better headspace and got me out of that cycle, and i was kind of my own therapist at the time.

so yeah, i don't actually know how proper anorexia recovery goes, because i never had it, and i haven't seen anyone go into super high detail about it. i know they usually get a nutritionist, but i've never seen one so it's tough to write about, especially in high detail. if you or anyone else has information, i'd love to learn about it as long as you're comfortable sharing.

(additionally: tommy has a therapist, but no nutritionist because phil didn't see the point in that part, deciding that he can make sure tommy's eating when bee's meant to be. phil forgets about this as well, and tommy's left to his own devices.)

i'm aware that anorexia is not subconscious, and the more i think about it the more i realize that tommy's entire backstory is unknown. and it's not because i've been hiding it from you, it's just because i never get the chance to talk about it in full, and a lot of details go missing (i'll continue to work on that because that isn't good storytelling lol).

(and the reason why tommy's relationship towards food is messed up could also be because of ocd, which is something i didn't know i had at the time of my own eating disorder. you're so right, the overlap is actually wild.)

catalyst follows the dream smp timeline before the fic starts (when the fic starts, it derails), thus meaning that exile was translated into the catalyst universe in the form of dream (tommy's english teacher) keeping tommy behind after classes for extended hours to make sure he was getting his work done (he was) and just sort of torture him i guess.

tommy, now feeling a lack of control in his life, decided to limit his eating and lower his body weight because maybe dream would let him go if he looked too sick to be there. maybe dream would stop hurting him if he looked fragile. he was living on a hope and a prayer that it would all stop if he were just smaller. spoiler alert: it didn't, and now tommy's stuck in this awful cycle where every year around christmas (where dream's hellscape of a detention would kick up into overdrive before the holiday break) he goes back to those old habits because it just feels right. he's compelled to go back to it because it was easier to sleep all day and pass the time, and everyone always treated him a bit better when he was sick anyway— no one would dare hurt him.

as for the last point about cuts: i don't have experience with cutting myself, so i can definitely understand how that part would be inaccurate, and i take full responsibility for that. the adjective "smooth" was meant to be interpreted as "there's nothing fresh here."

thank you this, by the way!! constructive criticism is something i don't receive enough of, and just typing this out has made me realize where my storytelling is lacking. i've got a part in ch 23 where i can establish a little bit more of tommy's character and clear up some things. once the fic is completed, i'll also go back to past chapters and try to sprinkle in a few more details, or have scenes where topics are further discussed, especially about characters going through serious things like that.

responding to your message has been an entirely positive experience for me, so again, thank you!!

[irisrowes]

* ㅤ wanted connections ㅤ … ㅤ * open call!

* ㅤ friends ㅤ … ㅤ *

01. inner circle - iris' closest friends belong to her most inner-circle friendship. these are the friends she sees the most frequently - the ones she meets every thursday night at a wine bar downtown to bitch and gossip; who practically live at her apartment; who come along to all her dinner parties and seances; sit front-row at her parents latest theatre offering. some of the friendships within the group are stronger than other - spanning years! - and others are new and fragile, only finding their footing. [open to all / unlimited].

02. theatre friends - friends iris is connected through the theatre & film. her industry contacts, the friends she only sees occasionally because 'work' calls for it. [open to all / unlimited].

specifically within this group i would love to plot the following connections:

002. the theatre friendship that iris ruined through her lazy, selfish, lack-lustre commitment to the theatre. ideally they were working alongside iris on a shriek! a cry! and were burned by her unprofessional behaviour. ideas can range from this friend breaking the friendship because they were unimpressed with the lack of commitment from iris; their job suffering directly from iris' lack of involvement; a termination of work due to iris' firing & their friendship - options are endless! the two are no longer friends but will continually see each other through their theatre connections. [open to one muse].

002. the theatre friendship that began organically outside of the theatre. iris helped this friend climb the ranks of theatre due to her connections & now feels a sense of ownership over their career that has tainted their friendship. i'm envisioning a friendship that iris clutches onto dearly and sees as unchanged but the friend feels stifled by and wants out of - again options are endless for what this means and how the friendship works. [open to one muse].

03. high school friends / nyu friends - these are the friends iris will occasionally see around or may met up with for a coffee but who aren't close friends. friendships that feel like acquaintances but are special in their own sense of nostalgia. [open to all / unlimited].

04. family friends - friends (or not friends) because their families grew up close to one another. [open to all / unlimited].

* ㅤ foes ㅤ … ㅤ *

01. ex-best friend - a friend iris had been close to in childhood. very early childhood, a lifelong best friend. the keeper of all of iris' secrets - maybe even some that have been left unseen to this day. the falling out could have been dramatic or a whimper. what matters is that the two of them don't talk anymore and both hold major animosity towards one another for the end of their friendship. note: this is different to the (former) best friend maya mentioned in iris' stats / background. [open to one muse]

02. rivals - iris has never really worked. she has tried her hand at many different things and has given up all too rather quickly on all of them. she lacks drive and passion but she has connections and she milks every single one of them for what they're worth. i'm imaging a rival to iris in the sense of someone who is nothing but hardworking and resents how easily iris doesn't try. does not need to be theatre related or career related but would have needed to competed against one another at one stage ( a competition in high-school, for a friendship or a fling etc ). both can't stand the sight of each other. [open to two muses]

03. a burned client - someone who saw iris for a psychic reading and was left burnt when the details of their reading wound their way into iris' substack. [open to one muse]

* ㅤ flings ㅤ … ㅤ *

01. past flings - any romantic / sexual entanglements of the past. iris falls in and out of love quickly. none of these entanglements would have been long-lasting or meaningful but i imagine tension still following them around. iris has a bad habit of not letting people know it's over when she's decided it's over. [open to all / unlimited]

02. the one who got away - they dated in iris' early twenties. the only relationship that has lasted over six months for her. the only relationship where she was not the one to walk away but was left burnt. iris still holds resentment over what happened and a desire to return to what it once was. [open to one muse]

* ㅤ familial ㅤ … ㅤ *

open to plotting ideas for familial connections - i'm imaging cousins etc.

* ㅤ other ㅤ … ㅤ *

would love to plot all other ideas and connections <3 these are just a nice jumping off point - i'll be getting in touch with everyone once i've read through all character biographies but please don't hesitate to take up something listed here or present an idea that's not here!

[narcoticwriter]

I have some opinions on this. Don't take them too seriously.

Should go, won't go:

Dori - Her grindset is also her unhealthy coping mechanism. Her Character Story 5 is full of turmoil.

Yelan - Is not going. Will not go. It would serve no use to her at all. The thrill and the pain is her version of being alive.

Heizou - See his Vision story and his reaction to the events surrounding it. Also play his hangout event.

Childe - There's no way that this man is going to get therapy because becoming the strongest is his therapy. If he can completely dominate every creature in Teyvat, then he doesn't have to be scared of the Abyss anymore.

Will go if prompted, will not work:

Bennett - Therapy will not fix Celestia shitting on you constantly. If you also read his Character Story 5, it's kind of depressing. His dads would tell him to go and he'd give it a try.

Cyno - From what little lore this guy has, all I know is that having a Herbanubis or whatever possess you in your childhood, and then getting prodded by the Akademiya will absolutely do something to your mentality. Tighnari would tell him to go if it seems like it was too much for him to bear.

Zhongli - I'm going to make the defense of he has seen too damn much. It's not like he could even talk about it anyway with his heaven-ordained non-disclosure agreement.

Will go if prompted, will work:

Arataki Itto - The repeated trauma of being assaulted with soybeans by people he wanted to have accept him as well as his deathly allergies to them would absolutely fuck him up. He will deny that he has any problem with them until someone flicks one at him and he has a full mental breakdown. Shinobu will ultimately be the one to tell him to go and it would take a long-ass time, but he won't flinch away from them anymore. See: 2.7 Chasm Quest.

Ningguang - When you sacrifice your home and your dream, you will be hollowed the fuck out. In canon, she was not seen for quite some time after the event and has only come back to how she used to be recently. She has gotten closer to people and has some support, but therapy would make the process easier. A tentative suggestion or a straight-up 'go to therapy' will suffice.

Gorou - War is no joke. He lead people to their deaths and he watched his comrades die or get killed by the enemy. Kokomi would likely suggest it and he would follow through with it. He's already kind of doing that with his advice letters.

Further notes:

Lisa has made peace with the fact that her life will be ending soon, but she might want someone to talk it through once it hits those terminal stages.

Hu Tao is constantly surrounded by death and has seen it all, but there are bound to be a few cadavers that she can't get out of her head. Simply being able to talk about it would help a lot.

Yanfei would likely have a therapist on a 'per-session' basis as there are some cases in court that you would absolutely need therapy for.

The twins are so deep into their delusions that nothing short of closure would work.

FUCK IT, GENSHIN THERAPY TIERLIST

SOME NOTES:

should go won't go is people who will actively refuse to to go to therapy, will go if prompted means they're told they need it by a trusted person.

Therapy is not just about trauma but also problematic behavior (which is why klee is in will not work) and problems socializing, as people irl do get sent to therapy to learn to socialize (Fishl)

I put tartaglia in chooses to go because he'd care about therapy due to his siblings and shit.

By therapy I mean long term therapy. A lot of them would go to therapy at least once in their lives but I'm talking like... long term shit you know?

Al Haitham is in should go because, while i do hc him as autistic, maybe learning to be a slight bit nicer would help him. Not, like, to masking level but at least not calling people assholes to their face would be good. Not because he needs to learn to have friends since that's clearly something he doesn't care for.

Yae Miko needs to learn to be nice as well. She a bitch sometimes.

Shenhe I wasn't sure but I feel like she's a medication girlie but she could, I think? At least if she's promptred. I feel like her trauma would be too severe for her to think about that much tbh...

Diluc choose to go once because Adelinde pestered him and he didn't feel like refusing. Idk how receptive he was though...

If your fave ended up in doesn't need it and actaully has insane trauma drop it under this post and I will look into it and update my decision. I love learning about trauma all the character have experienced.

[its-toasted]

A 20XX brick about everything

I ripped out the pit and she posted a picture of tacos. Just kidding. Like that did happen, but it's not representative of anything, except the culture at the time. Like I'd like a medley stream of pictures while I'm crying, that would help, yes. Yes it would. I heart this post, and I know my mutual feels me, in all this fullness, u, across the universe with blanket and hot drank, for me? Fuck, I'm touched. Just lock up my energy into a bar then it's bearable, otherwise I'm a bit lopsided.

I guess I'm always lopsided to you. Normally if we talk -- you and I, not the her-you, which I do sometimes, but the you-you, yes, your faceass, that is correct, I am clairvoyant. Uh I guess normally I would let you know what stage of life I'm in. Just off the strength of setting or scene or something childish and unmistakable. But this time I think it just works better this way.

.

There was this chick, and it was real and we were the best. That was a test, and I don't know if you failed it but I judge you accordingly. It was an old iconic tumblr photo from back in the day, so if you're not up on that you've been respectfully weeded out. Another gem went like -- Caroline, you are my working week my sunday rest, blah blah blah and sunday best, north east south west bitch, chiseled into the tree bark. That can't be right. This place is for saps. This place has always been a part of me, I do have tacit love for that, being of here, much as the XXX, or xxco, or college park, or home court, or a dark night on the road. I've been posting bad music here since 2011 man, and 11's my favorite number, so preeetty sure it's my year. It early

This place is origin, like I grew up reading books and playing ball and falling in love until what, about 21. And coming back to dream here, even after years. What was real before the page, before I was 14 and thinking in song and synonym and sheet music? Or when I first saw Miles Hodges and Andrea Gibson and Mac Miller flutter with a pen. This box is a makeshift sanctuary for me, it often has been. I have a theory you get ghost-banned because you saved way too much shit in drafts, or are otherwise just a stupid large load on staff resources, but if you ask nicely enough they may pity you. They roll a die. May will be here in 3 weeks, and that means there's only 5 months until Cam's wedding, and I'm worried I won't fit. Nah that's clown talk. We just booked tickets to Colorado, the one time I went it was May too.

Do you know the odds of being for someone? I think about so much in odds, maybe that's from being naturally smooth with the math as with english as a yung back in the day u know me. Uh or scrolling on maplestory, or playing what are the odds with Cam in pews and halls and terminals and drive thrus, and having to put my tongue on some unpleasant fucking shit. I'm not great at math anymore, but still very good at the basics. And estimation, that's what I mean, I never want to know the truth. I'd like to guess and then be moved, you feel me. No you don't, since that sounds dumb, but it's true. I'd love to learn so much that I'm a burden, because I was always really good then.

With this girl, lol I've built up this anticipation like charging the sun, and for what huh. Here it is, and it's the same as per uje. How I crave more than anyone is able to give, because I chase loving that needs me to be more than I am, and I can't be, so you see it's a stand-still. She was so different, and it still wasn't different with her. If I'm not drawn out of the bad parts of me it won't last. I've been a lot of boys, like cold and loud and proud and hard, but none of those are nature. I guess the second likely was. And the first is becoming, I hate that. I won't say there's a better way but I do fight it, though. I do see why most end up with another from home, who else could know you

[uncloseted]

there's a part of me that still thinksa bortion is murder. i act like i support it to fit in but deep down i dont. please just listen. i think forcing someone to go through a pregnagncy they don't want is inhuman but it also feels inhuman to kill a baby and i dont like thsi idea that if youre 4 weeks pregnant and you want it its a baby but if youre 4 week pregnant and dont want it then its just a clump of cells thats just not how scence works. so theres this woman who was forced to get an .

Anonymous asked:

abortion and she was 6 months pregnant and apparently th baby waws born alive but it died shortly after from ashpyxia and i just dont know what to think. i know forcing smeone to get an abortion is just as bad as forcing them to give birth and that theres no such thing as a six month abortion and at least wher e i live abortions are only available until week 14 but like wwhat if someone is 15 or 16 weeks or 7 months, do they not have a choice anymore? please dont think im a bigot im not im so

Anonymous asked:

sorry i just dont want to be brainwashed by ANYONE, pro life or pro choice and im just so easily influenceable i just want to support whats right you know

No worries at all! I don't think you're a bigot and I'm glad that you want to engage with this issue critically. I'm happy to give you the facts as they stand and offer you my perspective on the issue. Apologies in advance that this is a bit long, but please try to stick with me until the end! All of this is important in understanding the different sides of this discussion.

There are a few main categories I want to talk about in this answer: legal, science, politics, and culture. For now, I'm going to avoid delving into any religious or metaphysical questions about what is and isn't considered "a person", since while those conversations are interesting, I don't think they're particularly useful in the context of discussions about abortion. As Harry Blackmun wrote in the court opinion for Roe v. Wade, "we need not resolve the difficult question of when life begins. When those trained in the respective disciplines of medicine, philosophy, and theology are unable to arrive at any consensus, the judiciary, at this point in the development of man's knowledge, is not in a position to speculate."

Legality

Starting with legal issues, there are a few points I think it's important to make in order to get a sense of how we relate to abortion. Abortions are legal in 98% of countries. 34% of countries, including the US, Canada, Australia, New Zealand most European countries, and China, allow abortions on the basis of a the pregnant person's request, without needing to prove that there is risk to life, risk to health, risk to the fetus, economic or social reasons that abortion is a necessity, or extenuating circumstances (such as the pregnancy being a product of rape or incest). The vast majority (93%) of countries with highly restrictive abortion laws, such as outlawing abortion except in cases where the pregnant person is endangered, are in developing regions. There are five countries that completely outlaw abortion. These are: Dominican Republic, El Salvador, Malta, Nicaragua, and the Vatican City, all countries where the Catholic church has significant influence.

Of the countries that do allow abortion, there is always a limit on how far into a pregnancy a person can be when they choose to terminate. Beyond that limit, the person doesn't have a choice anymore, and must carry the pregnancy to term (except in extenuating circumstances). The most common limit is 12 weeks (3 months), although some countries allow abortion up to the point of "viability", where the fetus can live outside the mother's womb with artificial aid. Typically, the point of viability is around 24 weeks (6 months). In the US, 87% of abortions are performed before 12 weeks, and 92.2% were performed at 13 weeks or fewer. For reference, pregnancies are typically around 40 weeks long.

Forced abortion is illegal in almost every country, including the US and the UK, and it is considered an act of violence against women. It is just as bad as forcing someone to give birth, which is why all countries do their best to prevent it from happening. While forced abortions can and do happen, particularly to victims of sex trafficking, I think the solution to this issue is to put policies into place that protect vulnerable women, instead of trying to ban abortion entirely.

Science

So, most countries allow abortions up to 12 weeks. What does that actually look like in terms of the fetus? Here's a timeline of fetal stages of growth:

Weeks 1-4: at this stage, the "baby" is actually an embryo. It starts out as just a fertilized egg. The amniotic sac forms around it, and the placenta develops. The eyes, mouth, lower jaw, and throat are in very early development. Blood cells are taking shape. By the end of week 4, the embryo is smaller than a grain of rice. It is very literally "just a clump of cells" at this point.

Weeks 5-9: the "baby" is still an embryo. Its facial features begin to develop, folds of skin that will eventually become ears grow, tiny buds that will eventually grow into arms and legs form, the neural tube, digestive tract, and sensory organs all begin to develop. Bone starts to replace cartilage. At about 6 weeks, a heart beat can be detected. After week 8, the baby is considered a fetus instead of an embryo, at which point the fetus is about one inch long.

Weeks 9-12: the fetus' arms, hands, fingers, feet, and toes are fully formed. It may be able to open and close its fists and mouth. Ears are formed, and its reproductive organs begin to develop. By the end of week 12, the fetus has all of their organs and limbs, and their circulatory and urinary systems are working, but everything needs to continue to develop in order to become functional. At the end of week 12, the fetus is about 4 inches long.

It is important to know that the miscarriage rate is highest in the first trimester (before week 12). Among women who know they're pregnant (typically further along than 6 or 7 weeks), 10-20% will miscarry. 30%-50% of all fertilized eggs miscarry.

Other important developmental markers include:

During month 4 (weeks 16-20), you can see the sex of the fetus.

During month 5 (weeks 20-24), the fetus starts moving around.

Between week 22 and week 24, brain waves appear in the cerebral cortex.

At week 24, the fetus may be able to survive if it is born prematurely, provided it has intensive care.

Somewhere between week 26 and week 30, the fetus may be able to feel pain, although we don't know that for sure.

A fetus is not capable of thinking, communicating, reasoning, self-motivation, feeling emotions, or consciousness. They don't have a concept of the self, and they don't know that they exist. They are essentially sedated for the entirety of the pregnancy. Since we use "brain death" as the primary criteria for death, it makes sense to me that we might consider "brain life" (the point where a fetus exhibits brain activity) as the point at which a fetus becomes a person.

While some people will refer to an embryo as a "baby" from the time they discover they're pregnant, scientifically, it is a clump of cells, whether that clump is allowed to continue to grow or not. It's not something we would recognize as a baby, or be able to interact with as if it were a baby. An embryo is a precursor to a baby, kind of like how a seed is a precursor to a plant.

Some other arguments

I want to quickly touch on some other arguments for abortion rights that people make. I'm not going to delve deeply into them, but it didn't feel right to leave them out entirely. These are arguments that don't depend on whether or not a fetus can be considered a person.

Bodily Rights

There are many situations in which we prioritize individual bodily rights over the right of someone else to live. For example, we don't force people to donate organs to people who are dying, even though a donated organ would save their life. Advocates for abortion rights argue that those same bodily rights should be extended to a pregnant person.

Deprivation

This argument usually looks something like, "but what if that fetus was going to cure cancer when it grew up!" Basically, it's saying that abortion is morally wrong because it deprives the fetus (and the world) of a valuable future. To me, this completely ignores the deprivation that already exists by forcing a person to carry and birth a baby they don't want, and potentially the deprivation that comes with raising that child. People who make this argument never seem to ask, "what if the pregnant person was going to cure cancer?"

Slippery Slope

Some people argue that normalizing and legalizing abortion may lead to people also accepting euthanasia. I am unconvinced by this for two reasons. 1. Slippery slope is a logical fallacy and 2. I absolutely do think we should legalize euthanasia for certain situations.

Religion

I don't want to dig too far into this one, but what I will say is that the US is a country that (at least nominally) has a separation of church and state, and the religious beliefs that other people hold should not infringe on a person's rights to make choices about their own life.

History and Politics

The practice of abortion itself is incredibly old. The Sanskrit epic Ramayana, which dates to the 7th century BCE, describes abortion being practiced by surgeons and barbers. In the Assyrian Code of Assura, circa 1075 BCE, a woman is allowed to procure an abortion except when it's against her husband's wishes. The first recorded evidence of induced abortion is from the Egyptian Ebers Papyrus in 1550 BCE. Japanese documents show records of induced abortion from as early as the 12th century, and it became more prevalent during the Edo period. It is considered to be unlikely that abortion was punished in Ancient Greece or ancient Rome. All major Jewish religious movements allow abortion in order to save the life or health of a pregnant woman, and often support abortion for other reasons as well. Christianity has a more complicated relationship to abortion, for reasons that I'll go into in a bit, but for now let's just note that there very much were ancient Christians who believed abortion was morally permissible at least some of the time. Before the 19th century CE, first-trimester abortion was widely practiced and was legal under common law throughout the English speaking world, including the US and UK.

The reason I bring all of this up is because the political debate over abortion isn't really that old, and the debate tends not to actually be about the morality of abortion as an act so much as it is a proxy for other issues. The first backlash against abortion in the English Speaking world was in the 19th century, and was a direct reaction to the women's rights movement, which was starting during that time. In the US, anti-abortion laws began to appear as early as the 1820s, but picked up in earnest by the late 1860s. These laws were introduced for many reasons, including the fact that abortions were being provided by untrained people who were not members of medical societies and concerns about the safety of abortifacients. By 1900, abortion was a felony in every US state, but they continued to become increasingly available. By the 1930s, licensed physicians performed an estimated 800,000 abortions a year.

Jumping forward a little bit, let's talk about the history of abortion in the US just before Roe v. Wade. It's estimated that in the 50s and 60s, between 200,000 to 1.2 million abortions were being performed per year, even though they were illegal. Throughout that same time, the second wave feminist movement was growing, and was increasingly advocating for birth control and liberalized abortion laws. As a reaction to second wave feminism, a number of anti-abortion organizations, primarily led by Catholic institutions, cropped up to mobilize against the legalization of abortion. It should be noted that, at the time, abortion was not an issue for evangelical Christian groups. In the 1960s, 17 states legalized abortion for a variety of different circumstances. Then in 1973, Roe v. Wade happens, ruling that a pregnant woman has the right to choose to have an abortion without excessive government restriction. The ruling was 7-2 in favor of legalizing abortion. Even after Roe v. Wade, Christian Evangelicals were neutral to positive on the ruling. It's only after 1980 that Evangelical Christians started to organize around abortion as a political issue and joined the Catholics to form what we now think of as the Christian Right. There's a lot to say about that and why that switch happened, but for the sake of brevity, just know that the evangelical backlash against legalized abortion in the US started not as a moral crusade, but as a way of convincing people to vote for Ronald Regan instead of Jimmy Carter (who wanted to de-segregate schools). No political debate happens in a vacuum, and it's important to understand what other factors might have been at play when looking at where these debates come from and how the sides formed.

Culture

Lastly, let's talk a little bit about the cultural impacts of banning or legalizing abortion. The right to have or not have a child is necessary in order for women to achieve equality with men. Countries with high gender equality, such as Iceland, Finland, Norway, New Zealand, and Sweden, also have easily accessible abortion options. Criminalization of abortion disproportionately impacts poor women and women of color, and does nothing to address the systemic issues that may cause them to require abortions in the first place.

Researchers from the WHO and University of Massachusetts found that banning abortion is an inefficient way to reduce abortion rates; in countries where abortions were restricted, the number of unintended pregnancies actually increased, and the proportion of unintended pregnancies ending in abortion also increased. When abortion is banned, women aren't not having abortions; they're having illegal abortions that are done unsafely.

There is also some evidence to suggest that legalized abortion actually decreases crime rates. 20 years after the legalization of abortion in the US, there was an unprecedented nationwide decline of the crime rate (including murders, incidentally). The drop in crime is thought by some to be a result of the fact that individuals who had a higher statistical probability of committing crimes (people who grew up as unwanted children in poverty) were not being born.

Which brings me to my next point- the majority of people who are "pro-life" (at least in the US) aren't really pro-life. They're pro-birth. If they were truly pro-life, they would be interested in making sure that all of those babies had their needs met after they're born. They would be interested in making sure those babies can lead long, healthy, safe, and productive lives. They would be for universal healthcare, expanded social safety nets, parental leave from jobs, universal basic income, raising the minimum wage, mandated vacation time, increasing funding for public schools, decriminalizing drugs, abolishing prisons or at least reforming the police. They would be against the death penalty (ironically, some of them are actually for the death penalty for women who have had abortions), and for increased access to birth control, comprehensive sex-ed in schools, increased gun legislation, against war and nuclear weapons, for enforced mask wearing to prevent people from needlessly dying from a global pandemic... but those issues don't factor into their "pro-life" stance. They're for "the baby gets born and then has to pull itself up by its bootstraps like the rest of us."

Closing Thoughts

Look. I'm not super jazzed about abortions. I understand how they can feel like an ethical issue. I think we should do what we can to reduce the number of abortions that are performed- teaching comprehensive sex-ed in schools, making birth control and emergency contraceptive options widely accessible, letting men know that reversible vasectomies are an option. I think we should make abortion easier to access, so those who do need it can make the decision early in the pregnancy. But I also think that it's a very personal decision, one that's irreversibly life altering, and the person who's going to experience the life altering event should be the one who decides what happens. 65 year old conservative, Christian white men who will never be pregnant (and frequently don't really know how the female body works) shouldn't get to make that decision for them. As someone for whom pregnancy would be life threatening, I want to know that I have options should that situation present itself someday.

[kris-p-banana-bread]

Here DOAFP fandom, have some organic, locally-sourced, home-grown pain. This is basically just me, a scarred older sibling, projecting on Bobby, another scarred older sibling. I really reached into my post-loss psyche for this, so I hope you enjoy the headcanons and meta (AKA I hope you shed at least one tear).

It won’t let me link it here so the post that inspired this is under the read more at the bottom ✨

- When I first watched doafp, I couldn't understand Elena's aversion to Sam becoming a prominent figure in her mom's and her life. Now I understand it almost too perfectly. There was never supposed to be someone after Robert. He and Gabi were deeply in love and happy. Robert was it; he was the first and true love of Gabi's life. Sam showing up probably felt like a huge and utterly disrespectful slap in the face of Robert's memory, because he wasn't even supposed to be there. I don't know if that's as eloquent as I wish it was, or if it makes sense, and it probably sounds really mean to Sam, but it's not even really about him. It was always supposed to be Robert; Sam hasn’t earned the right to be apart of or associated with her family

- After Robert dies, Gabi and Bobby make it a habit to find and keep photos and recordings/videos of Robert, even if the latter only has him saying one sentence. They won't make Elena join them for the search, but after they find some of those old audios of Robert, they'll sometimes play them back for little Elena

- Bobby put up the keep out sign (I credit this to a few other blogs for discussing this tho) because that's where he would cry sometimes. He actually used to be pretty close with Elena, but after he put up that sign and started distancing himself from them a bit so they wouldn't see the times he cracked, he got a little more short and jaded with her. It's that, plus just growing into a teenager and stuff. And I'm not saying that he and Elena have a bad relationship, but he's become more snappy and has more walls up than he used to

- Sometimes Elena feels bad because she doesn't always remember her dad's voice. She was pretty young when he died, so even though she recalls it a bit, and the recordings help, it's been a while since she's talked to him in person, so of course she doesn't quite remember what it's like to actually talk to Robert and she's forgotten some of his mannerisms. She likes to think she's all done (she marked the stages down in her grief journal after all) but grief isn't linear or all that rational, so it hits her hard sometimes

- I keep reading as an action close to my heart because that's a strong bond me and my mom shared. She would rec books to me, and we would joke and talk about them, or she would hint to some future event and then refuse to tell me until I caught up to that part. So Elena and Bobby do something similar in their grief. Elena has writing and words, because that's something Robert loved if I remember correctly (but if I’m not and that’s not canon, then I now declare it so) and Bobby has tennis. But besides tennis (I sent a couple anons to @freshlybakedfandoms about it but I'm not sure where she went) Bobby also was taught to play guitar by Robert (I liken it to Devi Vishwakumar and her harp) so when he misses his dad or is just sad, he'll take out his dad's old acoustic and strum

- (This next one is something I also think a lot about so this is pretty much 98% projection) Bobby thinks sometimes about the fact that he was never able to come out to his dad. He hadn't really started growing into that part of himself yet, and he never got to show it to his father. He wonders what he would have thought of him. Would he be angry? Would he dismiss him and say it was just a phase? Bobby didn't think so, but a little part of him insisted that you could never be too sure. After he comes out, Gabi and Cami assure him that Robert would've been so proud of him and would've loved him regardless (Since we know virtually nothing about him, I maintain that Robert was one of those dads who teases their kid relentlessly about their crushes and I think he would've done that with Bobby and eventually Elena)

- When Elena's quince rolls around (if she chooses to have one of course), Sam dances with her during the father-daughter dance. A part of her still hurts, still aches and wishes that Robert were dancing with her too; still knows on some fundamental level that he and Gabi had planned for this day, but he had simply never made it. But she's known Sam long enough that she feels comfortable here. Nobody can replace Robert, but Sam is her family, and it feels right like this.

- I might do some more research and deliberate, but for the moment I'm saying that Robert had cancer, I’m thinking along the lines of colon. My mom was terminal, but idk if I should make Robert terminal? Maybe towards the end. Or maybe he was diagnosed as incurable early on but Gabi kept it from the kids because, tbh, being told your parent is balancing on that kind of edge is traumatic for them. So anyways, I’m going on that assumption for this last point, and I’ll see if I can recover some of my old knowledge and talk about technical stuff later if anybody would like to hear it

- Elena and Bobby were both pretty young. Bobby understood about PET scans and tests somewhat, and knew generally what different answers from doctors meant. Elena mainly just understood what was happening by reading her parents' and brother's expressions when getting lab results in from the doctor. They both remember on some level what it was like when Gabi would leave the kids with Cami and take Robert out to the car (later she would have to help him) and they would all feel like they were holding their breath until they got back and confirmed that everything was ok (and later, the little shocks of fear when the answers were no longer as positive and there was more apprehension and risks. After all, cancer doesn’t deal in absolutes)

- Bobby can still remember Robert when he had to stop walking around a lot. He still remembers the phone call that Cami got from his mom, saying that something had gone wrong, and if this last treatment didn’t work, he wouldn’t have much time before he passed. Still remembers Cami rushing into a room when she got that call, and trying to hide what was happening until Gabi could get home and explain it; but Bobby was a sharp kid believe it or not. He heard about the treatment, heard Cami crying. He still had hope... but when Robert came home in a gurney, when he could barely stay awake sometimes, when his voice was quiet and his skin was a little jaundiced, Bobby felt incredibly empty. But Robert always had a smile for his wife and his beautiful kids, even if it was small and very tired, his eyes still crinkled the same. He always had a smile; right up until they had to say goodnight and get some sleep one night. And then... he passed.

- After he passed, the Cañero-Reeds needed help, and a lot of Gabi’s coworkers would bring food or materials if they were running low. Cami and Danielle would babysit and would distract the kids when Gabi needed a good cry.

- Like you’d imagine, and because of what is sort of implied in canon and in my own head, the kids dealt with it in different ways. Bobby put up that sign, and withdrew. He wasn’t awful, but his patience with certain people got a bit shorter and he was a bit quieter. And he was a really good helper when he had the energy and he cared deeply, but he would sometimes get physically and emotionally exhausted after helping Gabi/Elena/Cami/anybody else with something and would go into his room or mentally tap out to recharge. He took comfort in things that seemed natural and that he sometimes took for granted before, like video games and skateboarding (hehe bobby skateboards. Anybody second me on this?) and clothes etc... and other stuff. A lot of materialistic things or experiences that he would skip out on before. But they bring normalcy back to his life now so he loves them for that.

- Bobby doesn’t wanna think about big themes or anything anymore, which I can’t remember but I think it was Vi (freshlybakedfandoms, again, idk where she is and I hope she’s ok) who said he was a math and science person and I think that as much as that could transfer over to those subjects as well, it’s much harder to avoid existential and emotional themes in English and History class and Bobby doesn’t like it as much as Elena does for that reason. He had to live with the back and forth of his dad’s treatments and tests, so math and science is comforting because it’s more concrete (There could be a million arguments for why he would distrust math and science because of his dad’s passing though, I realize) Ultimately, though, it reminds him of Robert too much.

- On the other hand, after a period of shock and confusion, Elena threw herself into new things. First it was a grief journal, to make sure she was going through the motions. Then she read a lot, and when she felt too alone or like she wasn’t doing enough, like she was stagnant, she’d just find something to focus and persevere on again. That feels like her personality type to me; something is wrong so let’s fix it right away. But that could also transfer sort of negatively into “Something feels off or I’m very sad, let’s get this thing done and be productive so we can put off having to confront that but at least we get work out of it” but I could be entirely wrong (this is based off some of my family members and how they dealt with the loss.) And Elena throws herself into history and english because her dad loved it, and she wants to remember more of him. Because she believes words have power and history is a lesson and that’s incredibly interesting for her

[curiousconch]

Fight or Flight

Chapter 13 of Ricochet (An Open Heart AU)

Catch up here: Series Masterlist

Chapter Synopsis: Bryce and Heather both need to make major decisions as they face the final revelation about what truly transpired during Heather's kidnapping.

Pairing: Bryce Lahela x MC (Dr. Heather Song) ft. PLATONIC Ethan Ramsey

Words: 3.5k+ | Genre: Crime, Suspense/Thriller, Romance

Rating/Warnings: Mature (16+) / language, hints of violence

Author's Notes: So this took too long to write, and frankly, I'm still reeling with it. I have long planned the conclusion of this series but I am still shocked with how I came up with this final twist. I do hope you forgive me for sitting on this for far too long. Life wasn't making it easier.

Also, disclaimer: Majority of the characters are owned by Pixelberry, except the main character Heather Song.

"You can't go back to the case, Lahela."

Bryce pounded his fists on his oak desk in frustration. He just came out of a meeting from Chief Tanaka, requesting for him to be assigned back on the Farrugia case.

Victim - prosecutor relations. Possible disbarrment. Termination. To sum it all up, his career will be in jeopardy.

These are the looming threats over Bryce's head if he didn't back off the case. Not that he had much choice. Now that his and Heather's faces were plastered across every Boston online article from the gala.

He couldn't help but to think that someone planned to stop his involvement in the case. Probably because that person knows he's doomed once Bryce works his way to untangle the web of conspiracies that transpired.

Resolved, the ADA swears to himself to get to the bottom of it before he lets this go. Sitting down, his mind ventures to Heather, wishing that her day back to Edenbrook was going much smoother than his was.

*** 

Unfortunately, before noon, Heather found herself in a supply closet.

It was proving more difficult to go back to normalcy after everything that has happened. Patients recognize her from the news coverage. Doctors, nurses, even half the staff was treating her like something fragile. Even the usually grumpy attending that was her boss wasn't trying to get on her toes today.

For Heather, it was incredibly disorienting.

But the probable reason behind how everyone was acting weird around her was that early morning incident.

While taking on an emergency case, she froze up. The last time she did was during her intern year. And that was for an entirely different reason. This time, her head blanked out because she thought she saw Ed Farrugia in that gurney. The slithering snake of a man he was. She couldn't move her fingers, nor speak because of the mixed emotions of her imagined vision.

Edenbrook was where it all began.

Luckily, Dr. Naveen was around to sub for her.

And thus began her slow downturn, reaching the tipping point in this condemned supply closet.

Eyes closed and breathing slowly, Heather struggled to free herself from the suffocation she was feeling. She loved Edenbrook, she loved working here. But now, why does she only feel dread the first day she again set foot on it?

Beep beep.

The sound of her pager momentarily freed her from her prodding mind. It was Ethan. He wanted to see her at Chief Banerji's office. Sighing deeply, she fixed herself and got out of the closet, wondering what this meeting might be about.

An elevator trip and a couple of minutes later, she knocked on Naveen's door and let herself in. Ethan Ramsey was already inside.

"You asked for me?" Heather said, closing the door behind her.

Her mentor and grand-mentor exchanged looks of concern before straightening up.

"Grand-protégé, have a seat," Chief Naveen gestured towards the comfortable chairs in front of her desk, where Ethan already took a seat on one.

She obliged, taking the seat opposite her boss. Dr. Ramsey didn't take long to speak right after.

"We know you've been through a lot recently Dr. Song and we-"

"Please don't put this delicately, Ethan. I can't get anymore fragile," Heather spoke up, demanding for both doctors to tell it to her straight.

"Of course, Heather." Ethan coughed, before sitting up in a more commanding posture.

"Johns Hopkins have offered a long-term position to the Cancer research partnership we have with them," Naveen said. "We both think it's in the best interest of you and Edenbrook to take the opportunity, given that it's your target specialization and -"

"It's not in Boston." Heather finished the sentence for him.

"Yes," Ethan nodded. "We don't want your career to be overshadowed by what has been going on. You have a lot of potential, and this would make you a forerunner in the advancement of cancer research."

"It's frankly what you can call it, hitting two birds with one stone," the eldest of the doctors added.

"How long will it be?" Heather asked, weighing it all in.

"A year, a year and a half, at least." Ethan replied.

"And what of my position in the diagnostics team?"

"You'll stay on to consult remotely, but your responsibilities will be diminished given that we want you to spend more time on the cancer research."

Heather swallowed hard. They're putting me into self-imposed exile.

Sensing her hesitation, Ethan reached out to her and patted her arm.

"We only want what we think is best for you Heather, so please at least give this some thought."

She met her mentors' gaze and nodded at them, before rising to stand up.

"I will think about it," she said, leaving the office.

*** 

Pulling all the strings he had left, Bryce Lahela stepped foot into the mansion of Massachusetts' prolific senator. Isolated by house arrest, thinking about Ed Farrugia made the young ADA's skin crawl.

As he walked the carpeted floors into a receiving room, he couldn't help but notice the select macabre portraits that showed war scenes hanging on the stuffy walls. Says alot about its owner, that's for sure.

The double doors he entered in opened, and a tall imposing figure in unflattering maroon satin robes came in. He looked a bit older, yet, somehow, more formidable.

"Ah, ADA Lahela. I see you are not backing down?"

Bryce almost snorted at his arrogance, immediately sensing the pretend machismo in his foe's tone.

"We'll see about that, Senator," the prosecutor replied politely. Didn't want to cross the point of no return before I had the answers I wanted.

"So, what does the young and promising prosecutor want from a disgraced politician today?" Ed sat down on one of the most pretentious armchairs Bryce has ever seen in his life.

"The truth," Bryce smiled cheekily, standing opposite the other man, matching his bravado.

The senator's response was to lean back on the too comfortable chair, crossing his legs.

"Well ADA Lahela, are you certain you are ready for the truth? It may get closer to home, more than you will ever think," Farrugia replied, a sinister grin masking his features which suddenly made Bryce feel queasy.

I don't like where this is going. He thought to himself, staying quiet.

"I thought so," Ed Farrugia nodded, watching the lawyer's stoic facade slowly crumble. "But to hell with it, it's just going to be fun to watch how you had a hand on all of what happened to your precious Doctor Song."

The former senator snapped, and in came a butler that carried a tray. In the tray was a white envelope, and a tumbler of what Bryce smelled as scotch. The politico grabbed the glass and sipped the rich liquid, neither offering Bryce any nor pouring him another glass. Instead, he reached for the white envelope and raised it to Bryce's level.

"Recognize the handwriting, young man?" Ed Farrugia was now sneering at him, expectant.

As Bryce's sight slowly trailed the cursive handwriting, he sensed the familiarity of the strokes. Ed Farrugia's name was written, but there was something about the way it was written.

When his eyes fell on the top left side, he recognized the insignia almost immediately, the hairs at the back of his neck standing up.

There it was, the name he tried to get away from since his adolescent life. Lahela. The logo of his parents' godforsaken company that duped so many families.

Bryce can only freeze in place, as the horror of the realization that his parents somehow had a hand in all of the things that happened to Heather slowly dawned on him.

"Heather Song was the doctor that saved my ass, ADA Lahela, so of course I didn't have the motive to hurt her, you know. She prevented my assassination, and I'm not an ungrateful hypocrite," Ed Farrugia began to explain. "But Heather knows this... I am not to shy away from people who can give what I want, what I need, you understand of course? You're a smart young man."

"So in exchange of a generous donation to my campaign, I am to concoct a plan that will mutually be beneficial to me and my donors," Farrugia continued. "My donors wish to teach you a lesson, make sure that you do not forget where you came from, remind you that no matter where you go, once a Lahela, always a Lahela."

"That's why we went with a warning first, remember? Get out of Boston, or else," the senator shook his head. "Your parents didn't think she'd be a good influence to you. Frankly, an orphan with an absentee father? She'd set you up for failure. At least that was what your parents thought."

"And of course, I wanted to gain something more with it, might as well do the work right? I had my kidnapping staged, that dashcam footage you received? That's from me so that you can arrive at the scene before I get killed by that amateur wannabe Jordan. What's in it for me was public sympathy - as the survivor of a second assassination attempt. Public sympathy equals votes. As simple as that."

Ed stood then, and padded his way to the nearest open window, before looking back at Bryce.

"I used my own enemy, the Travis Brothers, to deflect suspicion, of course. I also a used a middle man, someone who already wants payback from Dr. Song, someone with motive... So Declan Nash worked for me, in exchange of leniency in his role on Panacea's medicare fraud." He smirked, satisfied with the grandiose of his plan. "My only mistake was that I underestimated that ungrateful piece of crap though. Who would have thought he had the brains to record me?" his fist connected on the windowsill, startling Bryce.

"So you see, young man, everything that happened, is on you. No one is to be blamed more than you. All because of your ambition to become something you are not. Something you will never be, be apart from your family name."

Stunned into silence, Bryce can only gape at the senator. The turmoil within though, was unparalleled.

The anger that was boiling in him in the revelation that all this time, his parents was the cause of so much misery. Bryce's heart was so quenched of the discovery that he hasn't completely escaped them, nor their relentless hunger for taking control of his life.

His fists clenched, wanting nothing but to smash every single thing in that wretched room. He didn't care anymore.

What right do they have after putting him in so much pain? What do they even want to achieve? Do they want to make him crawl back to them as if nothing happened? Do they want the same pretentious respect that so many others had just for their mercy?

How does he even begin to explain all of this to Heather? That everything that went downhill for her was because of the person she loved? How can she accept him now? How can she love him now?

And as if on queue, Bryce's phone began to ring. When he saw the caller ID, he almost dropped it.

It rang once again. And he knew he had to take it.

"Bryce? Can we meet?" The voice from the other line was firm, but fragile.

He tried to level his voice, not wanting to have her worried. At least not now.

"Sure, babe. Where do you want to go?" Bryce replied, walking out of the mansion that was sucking the life out of him.

"In that cafe, where I bought you coffee that first day we met. Do you remember where?"

Bryce sensed the urgency in Heather's voice. Has she found out? He hoped not.

"Okay, what time?"

"I was hoping now. If you're done working, that is."

He was done. No reason to delay the inevitable.

"Okay, I'll drive there now. I'll see you."

With a heart heavier than it has ever been in his entire life, he drove down to where it all began, praying so much that it wouldn't be a trip to full circle.

***

Heather nervously sat by the glass wall of the Cafe, in a quiet corner. She already ordered two caramel macchiatos, the same drinks she and Bryce had the first day they met.

She rehearsed what she was about to say in her head, hoping that repetition will make it less taunting. Once she sensed Bryce, she waved him to the table and stood up.

He instantly saw her, and the load he was bearing suddenly become a little lighter. But the guilt was still there. The guilt of being the person to have caused much misery in her life.

But years of practice of showing everyone else the facade of his unbreakable confidence helped him hide what he was truly feeling at the moment, and instead smiled at her.

Her beaming return smile proved to be almost too much.

He reached out to her and intertwined his fingers with hers, almost nudging the cup of coffee in front of him.

"Hey, you remembered," Bryce was touched.

"Of course, it's probably the only thing you ordered during those meetings." Heather chuckled, brushing his cheek with her knuckles.

Her chuckle was lackluster, not her usual one full of wit.

"What's going on, Heath? It can't be that you just missed me," Bryce asked, straight to the point, hoping to dodge her intuitive powers of observation.

She sensed the edge in his voice, making her eyebrow quirk. Heather discerned it was best to ask him first.

"No, Bryce. What's up?"

For the second time that day, Bryce was stunned into silence. Heather's sharp perception of him was unimaginably accurate. And he knew he'd explode if he didn't tell her.

So he did.

From the denial and threats of Chief Tanaka, to his prodding, which led him to the heavy weight of the truth of Senator Ed Farrugia's admission. He didn't spare any detail.

Heather listened intently, trying to comprehend exactly what he was saying. She saw the guilt in Bryce's eyes when he told her that his parents set the wheels in motion, apparently for some sick and twisted lesson he needed to learn, like he was still under their supervision, under their control.

The more she heard, the more overwhelmed she got. But she didn't let go of the grip she had on Bryce's hands, reassuring him that she's there to not judge, but only hear out what he learned of the unnerving truth. And to acknowledge the strength of Bryce's character to not hold out the truth to her.

That was what she loved about Bryce. He was never one to back down from the truth, when it mattered. At least that's the case with her.

She has spent half the day pondering about her own decision. She took Bryce's position into account but she didn't expect this other factor to come into play.

If she stayed in Boston, she'd stay with him. And he won't be able to help her case. She knew Bryce, and he'll be unnerved not to be able to personally oversee it. And with this new discovery, he'd want to all the more take this case. This was personal. And Bryce wasn't one to back down against it. She's going to hold her back.

If she left... Well, Bryce would be able to take on the case.

Either way, she'll lose him. And the mere thought of it pained Heather to the core.

Bryce noticed Heather's lack of reply, the contemplative look in her face made him sense something was about to go south.

"What if there's a way, Bryce?" Heather finally spoke. "What if there's a chance for you to fight all this? Would you take it?"

"Heath, I don't think I want to know where this is heading..." Bryce stared at her, confused.

"Answer me first, Lahela. If I give you an out where all those hurdles goes out of your way, will you go through with it?" The intensity with which her eyes bore into his was unparalleled, yet rendering him clueless.

It took him a few moments before answering. Everytime he asked himself the same question, the answer was never different.

"Yes, Heath. I'll fight this to make sure those bastards can do you no more harm." his answer was firm, but as to her way, he still had reservations.

She nodded, her heart screaming not to do this. But she had to do it, else, everything her and Bryce will have between them will be diminished to nothing but resentment and guilt. With him claiming responsibility for his own parents' actions, yet unable to do anything about it. And Heather resentment, because she can't guarantee that a day won't come that she'll blame him.

They can't be together. Not until this is all resolved, not until they can leave everything behind.

Laying it down the line, Heather had to choose. She had to choose for both of them, even if it will surely hurt them both.

"Do you trust me, Bryce? Do you trust us?" Heather was firmly holding his hands, determined.

He nodded, despite himself. He feared what she was about to say, so he held his breath.

"So be it, Bryce. I'll give you an out. I'll give you what I think you need now,"

Bryce was afraid to ask the next question in his mind, but he did anyway, fuelled by Heather’s fire.

"What's the cost, Heath?"

"I'm leaving for Baltimore, Bryce," she said quietly, biting her lower lip, clearly putting in an effort to hold back tears. "I hope two years is enough for you to fight everything alone, because you'll have to. We both have to fight this separately, it seems."

Bryce's blood ran cold. No, no, no, no fucking way.

Seeing the panic in his eyes, Heather soothed him by brushing her fingertips on the back of his hand, sadness beginning to creep into her expression.

"It's the only way, Bryce, it's the only way..." she repeated, as if to convince herself rather than him.

"No, Heather, I can't lose you, not this time, not ever." Bryce's voice was pleading with her, yet he knew, deep down, that she was right. That this seemed to be the only way to fight all the remaining battles of their lives.

"If we concede now, Bryce, it would only break us. If we avoid this now, it will eventually haunt us and we'll succumb to it. We'll just end up hurting each other." She struggled to reassure him, but she pressed on.

"This way, we're not bowing down. We stand more of a chance to overcome this if you'll fight this. If, we will fight this." She rose from her seat to take the chair beside him. She wrapped her arm around his shoulders, comforting him. "We're merely carving our own way around it. It's not going to be easy, but I know we'll overcome... Because you're one hell of a prosecutor, Lahela. You're the best and you know it."

"How come you're the one who's so brave about this?" Bryce stared back at her, tears brimming in the corner of his eyes, aware that this may be their end.

"Because I believe so much in you, Bryce. Because you can do so much for this world more than how your parents defined you. You are your own person, and nothing can ever take that away from you," she paused, brushing the hair away from the beautiful amber eyes that gazed down at her. "Most importantly, because I love you so, so much. And what I can give you now, the love I have now in me, is less than what you deserve. I want to heal, for myself Bryce. I want to be whole again, so that I can give my 100%. When all of this is over, I'll come find you, that's a promise."

Bryce couldn't help himself anymore and pressed his lips against hers with fervent passion, knowing that this will be the last time in a long time before he can find her in his arms like this. Agreeing to this course of action, they bid their goodbyes, never as uncertain as they were about the decision they just made.

In less than a week, Heather left for Johns Hopkins, bidding goodbye to everyone except Bryce. Hoping the moment she stepped inside the plane, life would give her this chance to start over, to completely heal, to become whole again. Because Bryce Lahela deserved more than the fraction of what she could give. He deserved everything of her, no inhibitions, no limits, no holding back.

Bryce watched her go from a distance. He watched her plane took off from the ground, all the while concocting a plan to defeat the shadows of his past lurking around so that he could be with her again. Freely, completely and irreversibly.

That day, two open hearts chose to fight. Fight for the things that hung over their head so that it was no more. But in their decision to fight, they lost the comfort of each other.  They embarked on their separate paths with the promise of meeting again one day.

The path to the summit was often lonely. It is in their hopes however, that the moment they reach the end of this hard path they were in, they would no longer be alone anymore.

More than their willingness to overcome another hurdle in their way was their certainty to trust in each other, in the strength of their love for one another. In their endurance. In their hope.

For them, that was more than enough. It has to be enough.

Author's Notes 2: If you're reading this, I want to thank you so much for taking time to read this series. There's an epilogue in the final edits and I promise to tie the loose ends of this final chapter! Please do share your thoughts in the comments, I would really appreciate it!

Tags: @eleanorbloom @ejustlurkshere @choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics

[vlovers19]

I got some asks that really offended me. I'm a straight forward person and I never simply swallow criticisms unless I'm sure I did something wrong or ignore them if I just see it as useless. This all has to do with the last post I made where I answered an ask concerning why Taehyung is reserved and I did answer it based on my opinion but I guess it got on a lot of people's nerves. One even saying that with the rate I'm going, I'll become a jikooker or Taekooker. It was that sentence alone that spurned my reaction and all this is because i happen to focus on quite sensitive issues.

And I guess this criticism came purely because I mentioned that Taehyung isn't satisfied with being in Bts. However, people just want to pick what they want and focus on it.

Yes, I did say Taehyung isn't satisfied with where he is because he's limited. He would want to dwelve into other things apart from being in Bts but because of how packed his schedule is, he can't do this.

However, a lot of people misinterpreted my words as him being unhappy in Bts. He isn't unhappy. He has achieved so much with Bts, gained international stardom but he must want to do much more for himself. There are a lot of kpop idols who sing and at the same time act. I'm sure Taehyung wants to do that as well.

Out of all the members in Bts, the one whose character changed the most over the years is Taehyung because he had to change a lot of himself. He had to put on an identity that will appeal most to fans. Back then, even in front of the camera, he showed that wild side of him but had to stop it because it wasn't favorable for him. Fans didn't like it especially the female ones. He isn't the only one. A lot of musicians are like that especially if you are a popular one. That is called marketing image. However, with shows like BTS run, bon voyage we are able to see glimpses of their real selves, seeing them being bare faced and affectionate with one another but still, it's not the complete truth because those scenes you see still go through days and hours of editing before they are deemed okay to be displayed for public viewing.

As for going solo, that is just my own opinion. I didn't say it was for certain that he wants to be on his own, just that it's a possibility for him to want that since his career options are quite limited. Yes, he does want to produce music and stay with his members but I feel he wants more. No need to put words into my mouth. It's just like you all feel what i said was Taehyung doesn't want to be in Bts anymore because they don't let him act and do other stuff he would like to do. No! No!No!

What I mean is, Taehyung wants to be in Bts as a singer but he wants to also act and do other things that doesn't just involve being with his members all the time. He wants to widen his horizons. He might only consider going solo if he's too costrained. There are several idols that have sued their record companies due to victimization and limitation in career. An example is Hangeng a former member of super junior who sued his company after terminating his contract because they refused to let him pursue an acting career. Kris Wu of Exo left the group because it was too challenging for him. His song writing potential was limited including the crazy schedules he had to endure. However, after leaving the group, he pursued a solo career and now, he's one of the biggest and most successful actor and musician in China. There are so many of them. The reason why none of the Bts members will ever do something like this is because of how well loved and popular they are.

One thing i want to point out is that the fans aren't the reason. It is the companies they work for. If only they are more flexible and allow their idols a bit more freedom to pursue other career options, no one would think of disbanding but money is a big priority and being a singer in Bts brings in a lot of bucks. Other things are just a distraction.

In 2018, i'm quite certain Jimin was one of those who wanted to disband. He said so himself during a vlive that he had been so tired of everything. That he didn't even know why he was even doing what he was doing anymore until one day, he watched a video of one of their performances on stage, he could feel the love of armies just watching them and he regained his passion again. If you watch their speech in Mama where they exposed about their almost disbandment in 2018, Taehyung was the most distraught of them all. So much so, he even needed to be comforted. His usually composed self immediately crumbled as soon as Jin mentioned the disbandment. He cried so much even when they went back stage. This just shows just how difficult things must have been back then for him. It must have been too much for him.

Just like Jimin, Taehyung feels so much love for both his members and armies that it is enough to keep him around. I think their love for us and in each other is the only thing that still keeps BTS standing till today. Take that love away and Bts would be no more.

Anyway, all these isn't as important as when I was accused of becoming like a jikooker or Taekooker. In that case, I'll just simply delete this blog if just airing my opinions is been seen as becoming unreasonable. I have a life apart from this. I just don't sit down and begin to write whatever nonsense comes into my mind born out of fantasies or desires. I write after checking my priorities straight. Hardly any vmin shipper does this and it's because of statements like this. Criticisms like this, that makes a lot of vmin shippers chicken out of talking about vmin. Even making videos of them is a problem.

First, I don't remember telling people that Vmin are dating because I do not believe, neither can I imagine that happening. However, i'm of the opinion that they have strong feelings for each other. Both platonically and romantically. They might have had something in the past but such a thing will never work. Not in the real world. They understand nothing real may come out of it. They just hope that things will get better and can only show their affections by being supportive and caring towards each other. Just comparing me to a jikooker or Taekooker makes my entire body itch and I feel like I've been doing all these for nothing if at the end of the day, I'm been looked at as being delulu/ unreasonable.

Anyway, that is that. It's not like I can please everyone. I mainly wrote this post to clarify some things. Have a good day and keep loving Vmin and Bts.

[gonnabeapinupgirl]

Healing is not linear

So... this is very personal and only applies to me, not necessarily interesting to anyone else, just writing it out to get it out of my head.

My partner and I were together for 15+years, 3 of those we were married. He started an emotional affair with a co-worker early that year and had continued that until it broke our relationship and marriage, which in the midst of it all being very unclear they turned it physical as well. He had cheated on me before, with a female friend, and was very bad at communicating with me openly (which he later blamed was my fault), so there was a lot of mistrust and fragments in the relationship regarding that.

The breakup was bad. I don't recall ever being treated so badly and disregarded like that. He got angry with me for multiple different things, blamed me for a lot of things. Left me crying alone and broken outside when he went into a hotel to message with the mistress. After 2 weeks of him going back and forth I eventually told him to leave (after I found out the cheating was now physical) and even then he kept contacting me for awhile claiming he doesn't want to loose me and our dogs. When I told him to stop that as well the healing for me could finally start.

The year following was rough but delightful for me. I found myself again, I got myself a really nice new smaller apartment, I lived with my 2 dogs, I dated some ... pandemic allowing, although I have to admit I could've maybe skipped some of that and focused on myself, it was also a key tool for me to realize I was not willing to put up with any level of bullshit anymore and I knew what I wanted from a partner. At this stage I was allowing my ex to see the dogs on my terms. Ie he could take the girl for the weekend and my very much senior boy for walks. He never entered my apartment and I to this day don't know his address. After 11 months on being on my own and totally ready to terminate Tinder I sent some gifs for the final guys I had matched and decided if nothing was to come of it I'd uninstall and move on. Needless to say, I'm in extremely happy relationship with the gentleman who responded to my "What's your favorite meal?" From the tv show Atypical with a loooong answer. I don't believe in love at first sight, but we met 2 days later and clicked extremely hard. On our first date he asked if it's too soon to ask me for lunch the next day -I almost fainted, here was a man who played no games- I told him no, not too soon but I'd rather we keep this date going. We did - and had lunch the next day. From the beginning I was extremely open to my new partner about my ex-relationship. I was divorced in our country but for technical reasons we could not get a divorce in the country we married (believe me, I tried), I had extreme trust issues but I was working on them, and my ex was still in my life regarding the dogs. He luckily is not phased by that and also trusts me unconditionally when I say I harbor no romantic feelings towards my ex. The feelings towards the breakup, or my treatment however are still ... being processed. 4months into my new relationship my ex sent me a message. They are expecting a child. Now... in our 15 years of relationship he was adamant he never wanted children and we routinely spoke about this often to make sure this was not something either wanted, where we would have to breakup. He NEVER brought this up. I was amused, annoyed, felt lied to, stupid... a myriad of dark and uncomfortable feelings.

Fast forward a year or more... closer to where we are at this moment. I was telling everybody I was actually quite cool with him, we have courteous and civil terms, I feel no animosity, yet I would not want to meet his new family etc. But something was niggling in the back of my brain, something didn't feel right to me, it felt uncomfortable and annoying, I could say I could be friends yet very negative feelings kept coming up with that.

My old boy had passed at this point and the girl visited them routinely every month, we have more or less of a joint custody of a dog. She was at his place and I took her from there to take her to a vet, then returned her to him. We decided we'd talk the doctor talk in a bar/coffee shop before again parting ways, we did, all good, all civil.

After I felt really bad, like really... sad and bad and disappointed. Later that night I realized I felt really angry, really really angry and quite vengeful and the anger was towards not only him but the lady who he cheated on me with (and she knew we were married there's no excuses there, for god sakes he wore his wedding ring to their dates). I was trying to process where these feelings were coming from, why did I try to claim to everyone I was ok with him, with them, when clearly I had lots of anger and sadness still in me. Then it clicked. I was expecting ... at some point, an apology. Apology for how I was treated, acknowledgment that what they did was on them, not on me, apology for disregarding 15 years together for inability to speak up and speak honestly. Maybe even an apology from her how she essentially just walked in on my marriage and was to a part, at that moment, reason for it falling a part. I've never had that thing. In the midst of the breakup it was all blamed on me, no acknowledgment of him doing wrong, just excuses and more lies. During the breakup I was civil. I handled everything. I never contacted the 3rd party nor slandered her to him. During later stages I congratulated them on the baby, I have made sure the dog/s and them are getting along, that this arrangement is still working for them.

And I realized... I was doing that to prove him, to prove her, that I was nothing like he painted me to be when we broke up. I was trying to please the people who stomped on me when I was down. And I was hoping for him/them to see it and at some point to apologize, to recognize my behavior. I was not weak or soft in my behavior, I believe I was doing what was right. But I also realized that some people take those things for granted.

When I realized that I was angry, I was mad, I was vengeful and I still had rights for those feelings the anger level went down. It would be easier just to cut ties, but I think to some extent my feelings won't go away anyway until I get what I wish to have. But I don't think I ever will.

So I just have to process through them until I feel at peace again within myself.

2years and 7months after the breakup.

[qforqazaq]

Black Dial: The Drama

You've probably heard the latest news from the Q-pop world: L and Teddy are no longer in Black Dial.

Hmm, where shall I start?

***Disclaimer: For the convenience of the foreign fans who aren't sure what has actually happened, I tried to recreate the sequence of events to get some exposition first. I've missed some details here and there, because this was already getting too long.***

It all began when the producers of YB Entertainment posted the announcement saying that the official Instagram accounts of L, Teddy, Ray and Black Dial were hacked, so from now on everything that's going to be posted on those pages has nothing to do with YB. "Okay, the pages got hacked, whatever, it happens, no big deal", I thought. BUT! After awhile I've noticed (first ever) IG stories posted on L's and Teddy's accounts with the actual L and Teddy recording each other while giddily saying something like "Did you know that we were hacked?" - "Lol, no, did we?" - "Yeah, they say we were hacked. I am hacked, you are hacked, comeback is hacked too, hahaha".

Obviously, everyone got even more confused, like, why the hell would the producers call the accounts hacked if they were obviously not. I mean those were real L and Teddy, right?

Meanwhile, I started to read some comments about L and Teddy and something about leaving the group, which got me a huge "Wait WHAT. WTF??? Are you bloody kidding me??" moment.

I obviously couldn't believe my eyes, because, what the hell, first Newton, now Black Dial, are you for real?? When I was about to start doubting these rumours while frantically looking for more info, there came interviews from the official press conference by YB Entertainment.

There, Yesbolat Bedelkhan with Bayan and Bota Yerimbet have formally announced that Yeskeldi Quandyq, formerly known as L, and Samat Kazmaganbet, formerly known as Teddy, were no longer the members of Black Dial, that the company had terminated their contracts, the main reason being consistent violation of the contractual terms by the former members. Moreover, according to the producers, the stage names "L" and "Teddy" and all the social media accounts belong to YB Entertainment and they cannot be used by the members should the contract be terminated.

To say I was shocked is to say nothing. Because, apparently, L and Teddy have not just left the group - they were kicked out. Not only that, they basically kicked themselves out by consistently showing insubordination, disobedience, and violation of terms in many occasions. Without feeling much remorse about it too, it seems, as they didn't look very sad on those Instagram stories - that's for sure.

To make the matter worse, they had no rights to use those Instagram accounts anymore, which explained the earlier announcement about "hacking".

Frankly, that was a lot to take in, and while I was desperately trying to make sense out of whatever was happening out there, all hell let loose. Interestingly - on the producers. Because a horde or rather a flock of angry fangirls or "Ravens" started to shout accusations at the producers, blaming them in all deadly sins. According to them, it was all producers' fault, because they intentionally kicked their "biases" out; how did they dare to be so unfairly strict with them; they were shitty producers in the first place; they should have made their comeback sooner instead of postponing it; the whole "hacking" incident was made to sabotage the members' reputations, and their beloved L and Teddy did the right thing leaving this horrible company.

As for me, these accusations sounded too heated and not very convincing especially when I took a step back and started to actually think about it.

Well, let's break it down, shall we?

First of all, the question of fairness seems super childish, because we're talking about actual legal binding contracts, not some sandbox tantrums that can be resolved by shoving lollipops in kids' mouths. If one signed a contract, it is assumed that both of the parties were aware of and agreed to all of the terms in the first place. In other words, if you in a sober mind signed a legal document, complaining about stuff that you can't eventually commit to afterwards won't work. Why the hell one would even sign a contract in the first place then?

Secondly, do you really think the contract was that strict? Okay, stricter than, idk, a contract signed by the guys from 91? I do very much doubt it. I'm more than sure Yerbolat isn't that chill and understanding compared to his younger brother.

Thirdly, Black Dial is the only active project of YB Entertainment (Darrem doesn't really count) aka literally the company's only flagship product that was supposed to get its long-awaited comeback. Think about it: who the hell in their right minds, in such a crucial moment, would kick out members from the only existing group without a legitimate reason? No one. And there was one reason, a few actually, wasn't there? Moreover, according to Yesbolat Bedelkhan, they've tried very hard to keep the group intact, to smooth out those cases of disobedience and insubordination, closing their eyes to most of them. But I guess, the situation got completely out of control, so terminating the contracts was the last resort.

Fourthly, haven't you thought that the comeback was being postponed over the course of, what, 9 months? exactly because of the internal problems and conflicts inside BD and YB? What if the producers weren't sure if they could proceed should have the said members continued to "misbehave". Which they apparently did, so better cut ties earlier than later, with only one MV, and one more released song.

Next, the "hacking" incident. According to Yesbolat Bedelkhan, sometime around February 14, when BD was supposed to record a video to mark the date, L and Teddy have completely disappeared from radar, not answering anyone's calls and/or messages. The producers even tried to reach their parents at some point, to ask if everything was alright with the boys. Strangely, the parents were not reachable as well, because apparently they have changed their contacts too. Later, the producers discovered that they couldn't access official IG accounts of L, Teddy, Ray and Black Dial, because someone changed their passwords. I suppose it was then they guessed it was L and Teddy's doings, which I assume was the final blow.

Finally, Yesbolat believes that someone from outside have persuaded the boys to sabotage their own places at YB Entertainment. A certain someone with a personal grudge against YB producers. I have my guesses and I won't be surprised if this someone will collaborate with those two at some point in the future too.

Show business sucks, doesn't it.

_________________________________

Don't get me wrong, by making a case for YB Entertainment, I don't want to imply that Yeskeldi and Samat are inherently bad people or anything. Okay, I must admit I had my problems with Teddy and tbh wasn't very sad to know he has left the group (yeah, I'm crude), but I did respect L very much, coming to admire his capacity for songwriting when I took on that challenge at translating their songs (Bul Soni Yemes is a lyrical masterpiece. Period.), regarding him as a very thoughtful young man. Despite personal preferences, I didn't want anyone to leave the group in any circumstances, always hoping and betting on them to settle at least on the second place in Q-pop.

In other words, waking up to a news like this has brought me no pleasure. Further unfolding only left a bitter taste in the mouth and the feeling that you were viciously played.

However, I do still think that it was, pardon my French, totally a dick move to leave everyone and everything just like that, without a decent explanation, a formal apology to the fans at the very least. Leaving by making a public drama out of it, while openly gloating in the social media, abandoning the company, the producers and the other members who counted on them so much.

Was it fair? I think not.

I do wish them luck in whatever they're planning to do though, just to see if it was actually worth the drama, huh.

And I do certainly wish the best of luck to YB Entertainment, to the producers and the remaining vocalists in remedying the whole situation, so to speak.

And what now? Yes, YB is having their casting in search for their new rappers and everything, but what does it tell about the whole "Q-pop movement"?

It's impaled, sick and haven't even grown out legs to stand upright and move properly. People are leaving the groups whenever they want, groups changing the label companies however they want, the entertainment centres are opening and closing at flick of the fingers, and we only have about eh.. 3.5 groups who are actually doing something now? With Black Dial on the resting bed, those would be Ninety One, Mad Men, Moonlight and sort of Newton~. Considering that I'm already very cautious with the latter, skeptical with the second, and Moonlight just doesn't excite me very much, we're coming to the default settings of just clinging to the founders for now while just observing everyone else from the distance.

Nice.

What do you think though? What was the reason for BD having so many problems with its former rappers?

Is Q-pop actually going to crumble to pieces even before it becomes anything substantial?

Feel free to comment and share, and please do leave a like at least. I've been writing this for ages after all.

[queerzaza]

Hi Zaza! I recently got some money after housesitting and I wanted to use it to commission some art of my OCs, I found an artist I liked with open commissions and messaged them about it. The artist is really nice but they're really slow to respond (sometimes taking days) and I understand that they may be busy or doing other things but I'm not interested in commissioning them anymore. I feel really bad and I don't know how to tell them, any advice?

woah. this is the 3rd Ask in a row about letting someone down easy. strange! evidently, you’re not alone in wanting to end things w/ kindness and finality! 

turtledove, this is a business arrangement. therefore, there’s nothing wrong with deciding you want to terminate the arrangement before any work’s been done. as long as you’re still in the pre-work stage, then you can end things quickly with a, ‘changed my mind, thanks but no thanks’ type of email to the artist. 

if, however, some work has been done, then you need to find out what is an acceptable payment for where they are in the process. if they’ve already begun something for you, then they deserve compensation for the work. hopefully, the pair of you can come to a fair agreement, but if not, then get a neutral third party to help you mediate the situation.

while i’m not a lawyer (and i don’t even play one on tv) i’d be willing to be a mediator and aide a peaceful resolution for you, as i engage in Restorative Justice circles every week. hopefully, you’re in the 1st scenario, as it’s the simplest, but even the 2nd can be quickly resolved w/o any harm if you’re respectful. good luck w/ whatever you decide to do turtledove and i’m here if you need any support!