#tell me why i feel guilty for trying to say 'i'm aut*st*c' in a personal post

[brittapcrrys]

as a “peer-diagnosed” autistic (shoutout 2 @spellscarred & some ppl on Hinge dksfjhsdkhjf) / “this feels so right in every fibre of my being, it just Fits, like literally.... my entire self and life makes some sort of Sense if/bc i Am” autistic i .......... rly wanna know what tf stimming is.

like. theoretically i can mostly grasp it. and i dont in any way mean that, like, idt it’s real or anything awful and ridiculous like THAT. i guess i sorta mean i just.... idk

and i know there’s as many unique ways to be austistic as there are autistic ppl in the world (+those who’ve lived in the past and any who will exist in the future) and i dont have to Tick Every Box or whatever. and stimming is like.....VERY individual a lot of the time even within the greater whole that is highly variable in the first place.

but it’s like.... the Big One that, when reading or watching talks or listening to ppl talk about Being Autistic i just. I Don’t Get It!!!!! it’s the thing that doesnt rly Do anything for me to read/hear abt because i CAN’T bc i just cannot grasp the concept “properly”

and i dont know if it’s bc like..... i’ve learned / been forced to mask any behaviours that may have been stimming while i was growing up n now i just Dont Remember any of that. or if i do stim but i just? have never encountered anything on the ~lists~ that like............. idk like all my behaviour feels like it’s not even in the same orbit so it Can’t Be That, but mb it’s like my migraines, which i didn’t think were migraines for YEARS - neither did my gp, a different gp, or ppl i know who have more ‘typical’ migraines - which is just that i saw a neutrologist 3 weeks ago he said ‘ya, migraine’ & me: “oh i didn’t know xyz were migraine symptoms are u fucking kidding me”. so mb it’s That.

or mb i just....don’t.....stim......?