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necropsittacus · 5 years

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fuckoff long post about my skeksis language thoughts below the cut. i ought to do more with this but it’s been sitting in my files for a couple months now and i want to Show People

-i've talked about this hc on here before, but i like it enough to repeat. the existence of names like skekmal and skekvar indicate that they have some means of producing labial consonants with a beak (presumably the skeksis can pronounce their own names. also, while i am very fond of assuming the same "this is translated from what they're actually saying" conceit tolkien uses applies to tdc, it seems unnecessary and overly complicated to assume anything of the sort about *character names,* especially ones that don't sound like real-world names to start with. i am going to assume unless told otherwise that those are their actual in-universe names and not "translated" for human benefit). my favored solution is that they have syrinxes like a parrot’s rather than humanoid vocal apparatus.

-there are separate extant skeksis and gelfling languages. (evidence for this: the skeksis were straight up originally supposed to speak their own language in the movie. "shadows of the dark crystal" has a comment about how well skekso speaks gelfling. also, "shadows of the dark crystal" does some things with speech patterns for the skeksis, which i will get into below and which, with the possible exception of chamberlain and novels!hunter, make most sense to me to treat as second language difficulties--i have a hard time seeing, say, emperor deliberately speaking ""wrongly"")

one might expect that the skeksis, being the way they are, would install their own language as the official or state language. given that "shadows of the dark crystal" specifies that skekso's accent in the Gelfling language is pretty good, in a scene taking place in the castle ("his voice sounded almost cultured, his accent in the gelfling tongue much more perfected than the stilted broken phrases of the Chamberlain" (*shadows of the dark crystal* 202)), i'm assuming that *isn't* the situation, and for whatever reason they're using Gelfling for state business. given the skeksis in general, that sure isn't out of a sense of benevolence.

one option: the skeksis treat their language as a Special In-Group Thing that they don't want to use with or maybe teach to outsiders. it's become essentially a ritual thing (which might in itself warrant an explanation as to how that came about, tbh), or they do use it for casual purposes but only among themselves, something like that.

another option: there's some specific reason the skeksis lang would be impractical as a state language--i think the most likely thing for this is that there's some aspect(s) of the skeksis lang that are just anatomically difficult or impossible for gelflings to produce, perceive, or both (my initial thought was just "they might have sounds a gelfling doesn't have the right anatomy to make," influenced by the syrinx idea, but tbh going with that same idea i think like, crows, have fairly nuanced signals that we might just hear as "caw" across the board, so a species with both that sort of vocal anatomy and their own language could conceivably have nuances of sound difference a different species wouldn't Pick Up On, either?)

and these aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive, either

-name vs title: (this is as much my friend skye's (@deerpunk) idea as mine, so i don't want to take full credit for it) using a skeksis's personal name vs their title is a formality distinction pretty similar to the T-V distinction, except that, due to the skeksis being How They Are, the more positive familiarity/intimacy sense has been lost in most contexts, for most skeksis, and most of what's left is the insult sense. (there are some exceptions to this: skekvar to skeksil, when he's decided he trusts him, maybe skeklach and skekok (although that strikes me as half-jokingly rude friendship, so it could be both tbh), skekmal's death--and that could be a breaking down of formality expectations because the situation is so dire.) because strength, respect, ornamentation, dignity are so important to the skeksis, using someone's title to refer to them is the default, and using a personal name is specifically marking something. this is also why we very rarely see anyone call emperor "skekso" (with the exception of, to the point i’ve gotten to in the novels at the time of writing, skeksa and skekmal--and those two seem more likely to talk back to skekso anyway tbh)--it would just be rude as hell and there might be consequences

it's also of immense interest to me that at one point in "shadows of the dark crystal," skekmal refers to emperor as "so." i have not seen this kind of shortening anywhere else. it's either a peculiarity of skekmal, which would check out, given how weird his speech patterns generally are in that book, or an additional level of informality, which presumably no one but skekmal has the guts to *use* (especially for skekso holy shit).

-"shadow of the dark crystal" gives several skeksis specific fucky speech patterns (presumably in the gelfling language), *besides* what's going on with chamberlain, which i think can mostly be attributed to like. Chamberlain. chamberlain has multiple scenes in AOR where there are only other skeksis present (so i think it’s a fair guess that they’d be using the Skeksis language), and his speech patterns are just as weird, in the same ways, as when he’s talking to gelfling.

so what i'm saying about this is mostly discounting chamberlain, although i will say that the “using the same weird speech patterns in sentences that are in-universe presumably in skeksis and gelfling” thing, to me, suggests maybe that he actually has a different kind of fucked up speech pattern across languages, and it’s being “translated” as the same for the benefit of the viewers (i would guess the skeksis and gelfling languages don’t have exactly the same grammar; i would also guess that chamberlain talking kind of weird is, as iirc the wiki suggests, a deliberate choice meant to project a certain image). it’s also interesting that from the very little information i have just from “shadows of the dark crystal,” chamberlain does not make the same errors as emperor (possibly he actually speaks gelfling fairly well and is playing up “oh look at poor harmless chamberlain, i don’t speak your language too good, be nice to me :)” ?)

i'm going to talk about *shadows of the dark crystal*!skekmal separately, since his speech patterns, as mentioned above, are kind of wild and have some commonalities with both chamberlain and the other skeksis in the book. i feel it necessary to distinguish novels skekmal from aor skekmal, who talks normally if a bit melodramatically. (also i'm getting the impression they have slightly different personalities, from what i've seen so far, but that's not relevant to this monstrosity of a post)

i am going to list the weird sentences individually in a bit here. the most notable oddities (discounting chamberlain and hunter) are copula omission, verb number agreement (possibly person, too, but english has so little verb agreement that that's hard to judge); "gelfling" being pluralized as "gelfling," which i think is common enough in tdc but in combination with the previous point made me wonder about pluralization errors? the omission of definite articles, and some odd word order stuff that could also be taken as sheer pretentiousness

copula omission:

"gelfling the ones that do the fixing" (202)

"gelfling causing problems for us, lord skeksis (202) ("lord skeksis" there also feels odd to me; i think i would have expected a definite article, and maybe a different word order)

"all gelfling traitors" (211)

verb agreement:

"we love gelfling, we do, we loves them" (203)

"after all skeksis does for you! gelfling came here just to tell such lies!" (211)

misc:

“daughter-soldier” (202) is not egregious but a bit odd

“yes?” to end a wh-question (202)

"silverling is sounding like a traitor herself" (212)

"see the crystal herself" (214) is not terrible but feels a Little weird

“we care not”

hunter: (not sure whether to even count this for Skeksis Speech Oddities because his speech patterns are SO wild)

"skeksis tower"

also drops first person subject pronoun (222)

"end this now, skekMal will do" (222) -- third person for himself, weird word order

omission of third person subject pronoun also

consistent omission of articles, except "skekTek the Scientist"

"not if skekMal make and take it for *himself*" - verbal agreement error

"what we does with Gelfling" - verbal agreement error

more subject pronoun omission and verb agreement errors- "silverling wanted to know what we does with gelfling. wanted to see for itself...got what it deserves" (222)

"hard to fight while carrying stone" (225) - this is okay but feels kind of weird (at least personally i’d probably say “it’s hard to fight…” in this context)

skektek also omits subject pronouns (238)--"gets to see the crystal *now*"

we don't see skektek omit first person, which is interesting; i’m taking that as essentially a characterization thing--it makes sense to have skektek in particular emphasizing his own presence and relevance

"skeksis taking care of it, taking care of gelfling" - past progressive expressed as simple progressive with no copula (243)

"how's skeksis to protect little gelfling when crystal cracked?" - agreement error, article omission (243)

"when growing old? growing weak?" (243) - omission of both subject pronoun and copula

negative concord--"not one with nothing"--(245)

"where the one with wings" (248) - copula omission

"skekmal smells 'em" (248)--is this the first place we get a potentially animate pronoun used for a gelfling by a skeksis? and it's plural?

"what says gelfling"

"gelfling wings comes fluttering out to save it" (248)--with "it" being gurjin, presumably, since skekMal would be unable to grab naia since he doesn't know exactly where she is. so this would be "gelfling wings comes fluttering out to save gurjin;" "gelfling wings" could be interpreted as "gelfling with wings" or "gelfling's wings" with about equal workability in this sentence--"gelfling with wings comes fluttering out to save gurjin" or "gelfling's wings come fluttering out to save gurjin"--Gurjin takes it as the second ("gelfling wings fly her to ha'rar")

"skekMal kills this one, then it kills the others" (249)--skekMal using not only third person, but inanimate third person, to refer to himself. skekMal using third person like this could be taken as meaning that referring to yourself in the third person either has a different connotation than in english (i tend to think of it as sort of childlike or cutesy, and skekMal is REALLY not that), and most likely different connotations for skekMal doing it than chamberlain doing it, or this is just a really weird take on him.

also, I’ve mostly been assuming the skeksis using “it” for gelfling is just a “they don’t see gelflings as fully sentient” thing, but that can’t really apply to skekMal; i wonder if the skeksis language doesn’t have a pronoun animacy distinction, or it doesn’t work the same way as in english, and they’re just Worse about remembering to use the right ones for gelfling, because of the “not seeing gelflings as people” problem?

you could take that farther and say the skeksis language, or maybe the urskeks? don't have third person pronouns at *all;* (at any rate, my personal headcanon has always been that they didn't originally have gendered pronouns, or really gender at all per se, and skeksa and (probably) skeklach (and by extension presumably their urru counterparts) just heard this "she" and "woman" thing from non-skeksis and went "yeah i want that")

also this could have relevance to chamberlain and novels!skekmal using third person for themselves so much

my friend skye, mentioned above, took this and suggested the skeksis lang is grammatically similar to japanese, in connection with the urskeks being super collectivist, which i like. It would also jive with the verbal agreement and pluralization errors, inconsistent use of articles, and copula omission.

this post may be updated with more novels stuff later on, because This Is What I’m Doing With My Major I Guess.

#txt #tdc #long post

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bloodfcst-a · 5 years

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Hey, y’all. Tumblr’s been setting off my anxiety in the last few days, thus the reason I’ve been away. I’ll give you a full explanation under the cut for those who are interested (though I’d really appreciate it if you all read it anyway), and provide some contact information for places you can find me.

Discord: conjure. ☆#6443 Twitch: ninabeanxo Twitter: mishtadelet

I’ve been kind of quiet on Discord lately & I’m the most active on Twitter. I also announce when I’m streaming on Twitter, so... yeah. Sorry about this.

I want to be here. I really do. But there’s something about the summers on Tumblr that are really hard on me. I also think people’s attitudes change & idk why, but people seem to treat me pretty rudely? I try so hard to be approachable, to be kind and positive and supportive, but the amount that people try to take advantage of me or are just plain rude to me is?? So wild. So for those reasons, I’ve just kind of been isolating myself lately, and I may seem a little distant/less approachable/not talking much about myself because tbh... some of y’all are just haphazardly setting off my anxiety / panic attacks and I seriously can’t do it. I already have PTSD, so it’s a fucking nightmare lmao.

There is no gentle way of saying this, but it really needs to be stated. Please respect my triggers, or I will not talk to you. Please respect if I ask you not to mention something or someone to me.

and this is a really big one....

Please respect my boundaries.

If I have mentioned to you that I am not vibing with someone, do not send me media of them / that includes them, do not ask me about ships with them, do not tag me in posts of / with them, and please stop asking me about group verses / affiliated servers. In my time on tumblr, I’ve dealt with theft, bullying, emotional abuse, sexual harassment & solicitation. I’m constantly asking myself ‘ Why me? ’ but more than that, I’m really trying to avoid further situations from happening. I haven’t found an answer. I’m guessing it’s ‘cause I’m soft / nice? idk. Stop ruining a good thing. Y’all are gonna make me bitter, dang.

When I made this blog, I was explicit that I do not want to be in mainstream FF fandom. When I promo this blog, I even say primarily fandomless & canon-divergent. There is way too much messiness in the fandom, extremely toxic people & tendencies there, and I just don’t like fandom discussion. Regardless of my reasons, the point is that I’m not interested, so please stop trying to entice me to go back. It’s so blatantly rude & shows you think your interests & wishes are more important than my comfort level, and I don’t appreciate that sentiment in the slightest.

That being said, I know Yufi reads differently. That’s why I put so much work into her metas. I even have two tags for all the content. At some point I’ll even have a less minimalistic blog & with more links so it’s super accessible ( in the off chances searching for the ‘ meta ’ and ‘ kisaragi ‘ tags don’t work ). But in the meantime... ask questions. Read. Join a stream. I’ve literally streamed games & movies for folks privately & occasionally stream now. I actually started a new file of VII not too long ago and just got Yuffie, so I could literally have a gameplay stream where we go through canon together. I’m like... nearly begging. Don’t make assumptions.

Again, there are so many resources. There’s wikis, there’s the tags, there’s the inbox ( just ask! ), there’s streams, there’s gameplay & commentary videos, there’s stuff. If you are confused or unsure, I would much rather you reach out. This is regardless of how long I’ve known you, ‘cause some of us have known me for a while and still don’t know anything about me or my portrayal or how to interact, in- or out-of-character.

On the topic of assumptions (because it really is that important, so many issues stem from assumptions & you continuously making the wrong assumptions will leave me less inclined to speak with you, nevermind interact), let’s address some.

I do not write a hyper-sexualized muse. I know this is fanon because of her choice in clothes... however, clothes are a fashion choice, and do not reflect a person’s... existence? I don’t know if it’s the masculinity or the rape culture or what but... what she’s wearing does not mean she deserves any hypersexual treatment... and also as an extension, myself ( bc this happens way too frequently-- please stop seeing my muse and then approaching me about your personal sexual fantasies. It is extremely uncomfortable, as someone who is sex-neutral & demiromantic, to be randomly selected to talk about sex? with me personally? via my muse? Or about my muse when we have zero chemistry? Why do y’all think this is okay??). When I do choose to write sexual / nsfw content, it’s always after conversations ( plural!! ) with my writing partner & after I feel comfortable with the topic and with them. But even if I had her hoein’ it up on the dash, that doesn’t mean to make assumptions about her character (bc maybe there’s character motivations I need to write a meta for & it’s part of her background) or me (the mun is not the muse!! say it with me!!).

I do not write a kleptomanic. Again, this is entirely fanon, because Yuffie says in literally everything she’s mentioned in that she does not steal without a purpose-- and the highest purpose is that she’s stealing items that would restore the power and glory of Wutai or for her personal safety. However, I very rarely write theft... I try really hard to steer clear of the topic because I’m aware that it’s like the #1 thing she’s reduced to. She’s a thief class, yes, but that is not the only dimension to her. I could go on, but I think that’s enough.

Just because our characters share canon does not mean they’re going to have chemistry. I am canon-divergent. But not only that... Yuffie just doesn’t vibe with most people as a canon fact. She is an outsider to like... 99% of people, exclusion being Godo ( Wutai ) & the Turks & the WRO. She doesn’t even claim herself as a member of AVALANCHE. Not only this, but the dynamic she has with one Reeve or Cloud does not represent every duplicate-- that comes with plotting and with chemistry. We will have to plot & work together to figure out exactly how our versions of characters mesh. This is a collaborative hobby.... so the collaborating shouldn’t be that much of a surprise.

If you come guns-a-blazin’ without clearly having read anything about my portrayal, with completely inaccurate characterizations & just assume because we’re friendly out-of-character I’m gonna be pleased with it.... you’re dead wrong. I’m actually just... a very kind and nice person. I may just gently offer you some suggestions or corrections. But if you repeatedly come with your assumptions & pre-conceived notions and it’s clear you’re not paying literally any attention to me or my ideas about my portrayal... I’ll probably just recommend you to another duplicate. I know one who stole a ton of my content & former friends, so you’ll be in good hands.

If you’re here, I assume that you want to write with me, not the idea of me. I’m a person with feelings & interests too, y’know ?? I feel like somehow that’s easy to forget with me for some reason, given how often people feel inclined to overstep my boundaries & act so disrespectful to me. Which is... fucking wild, honestly !! I’ve even had a person deadass say to my face “ I didn’t think/know you’d want to be treated with appreciation and respect. ” What the actual fuck does that mean? What kind of dominant abuser mentality ??????? Y’all on this site stress me out!!

The last two weeks have been legit stupid stressful on me, and I’ve had some interpersonal changes with folks in the last month (mainly in private) all regarding these subjects. About people here feeling entitled to be rude to me & finding all sorts of justifications for it (I’ve heard everything from “my grandma was sick” to “work’s hard”-- what’s that gotta do with you curb stomping me & my ideas/feelings, and telling me my emotions aren’t relevant in comparison to yours? It doesn’t). And it’s just been weighing down on me a lot. I don’t usually go on main here to discuss issues like this, but because it’s been OVERWHELMING in the last few weeks (and also, bc being nice to everyone is kinda common sense ? and idk why folks here seem to think I’m excluded from the ‘everyone’???), it just seemed like now, while I’m isolating a bit in an attempt to focus on some self-healing, would be a great time to discuss things.

I know this was a long post... but there’s been a lot of injustices done to me on here & in life, so....... if it burdens you to read all this, imagine how shitty it feels to have to experience it. Yeah. It’s rough, pals.

I don’t know how to really end this post godhsaohof. I’m hoping this will kind of open someone’s eyes & like... maybe things will change. I’ve stated before, but I have chronic illness so I really can’t handle stress or, for lack of a better term, a lot of bullshit tbh. If you wouldn’t say it to someone with a dying illness or cancer or a soft sweet grandma, don’t say it to me. Because that’s literally me! I’ve got an illness I’m dying from & I’ve had cancer & I’m soft and sweet! tl;dr, stop being so mean to me dang. I didn’t do anything to deserve this.

#♝ mun.#long post /#please read though.#people on this site have been wearing me out.......#and i just kinda needed a break from it all.#i want to be here! hopefully i'll be back to normal soon.#but i just need some time to recharge & i would like if folks could just be nice to me.....#gosh.#watch me lose followers bc i'm trying to practice some self-love and respect instead of my usual self-loathing lmao.#whatver.... i don't care about follower numbers anymore.#i just want kind and genuine interactions.... is that so much to ask for.

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scatterpatter · 6 years

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Tumblr chomped my submission so here's Take 2 in an attempt to send the rest

Scatts: oH BOY LET’S DO THESE UNDER THE CUT BECAUSE IM HYPE

*Colorless torn the photo :<

This is where we left of last time hell ye

*One of the tags on that post: mi—–

*sssssips tea*

*Colorless is sad (not about killing though darnit Colorless that anon is dead do you have any remorse red-eye boy?)

He has... a lot of emotions XD

*Mention that he wasn’t always this unstable/a killer

He’s not lying. He didn’t come into existence chill with severing anons, that’s a trait that evolved in him over time.

*Tag notes: Mik—-, Nat——

*sssssssip*

*Strangely no quiet noise from Scatter through out all of this

He doesn’t want to interject- he found someone who C is finally opening up to- to Scatter that’s huge because he reeeeaaaally just wants C to stop this bullshit

*“It’s all HIS fault” -Colorless

;)

*“HIS” is in blue hmmmmmmmM

;))))) It’s almost like I chose that color for a reason ;)))))

*One of the tags is “colorless loves the pronoun game” which is… interesting? The other tags of interest: Mik—, Nath—–

The pronoun game as in “HIS fault” rather than just sAYING HIS FUCKIN NAME WE STILL DONT KNOW BLUE’S NAME YOU EDGY WALNUT- Also continuity error, Mik was supposed to have another dash in it, oops.

*Colorless gave up control on the verge of tears. Was that on purpose?

;) Mayhaps~

*Also the words of Colorless and Scatter were smoothly transitioning during this event? Maybe Scatter was conscious of what’s happening then. Or…more on this later

uwu very conscious

*Colorless never left during his own hiatus. He’s still here. He can add tags Scatter :)

*S I P*

*Scatter wants to be kidnapped. How fun!

iMMA STOP YOU THERE-

*You can’t convince me otherwise. Perhaps for Roleplay Drama? I was tempted to kidnap :3c

I REALLY ENJOY DRAMA OKAY NOW S H O O S H

*I mean he never said “no” that was Colorless

SHOOOOOOOSH

*Maybe another time… :)

*INTENSE SHOOSHING*

*Plz don’t snap my neck Colorless it’s for fun the door will be unlocked and He Can Leave At Any Time

KJFSKJFNEKSJNFEJKFESNSFUNEKFUENUUSIN C DONT TRUST LIKE THAT

*AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Big mood

*Colorless is not good in hiding Moods

I kNOW RIGHT HOW IS HE THIS RELATABLE

*emotional boy

He’s not good at expressing feelings

*It’s alright Colorless

It’s really not

*I mean the killing thing is not but

*wHEEZE*

*The Shipping of Colorless And Apathy.txt (Ray’s character) Happens

edGELORDS 4 LYFE

*THAT MEANS COLORLESS CAN FEEL LOVE MAYHAPS?

Oh definitely! He’s more than capable of falling for Apathy, but first he’s gotta really trust him. Like, they gotta get really platonically close and develop a deep trust in each other before Colorless can start feeling attracted to him. I think it’s safe to assume Colorless is a Demiromantic Asexual.

*Though I’m unsure what of it may not be canon…

As of right now: Colorless and Apathy know each other and live together with The Game. C and Apa are... “friends”? They don’t hate each other but friends implies C isn’t an asshole at all times.

*Colorless can code. Is Scatter robot? Jkjk. The code reads (as much as I can tell(: “if (edge = true {run angst.exe} ints x = 4 lol Narrwashere)” Darnit Narr…. and “while (int i = 0) {delete blue.file} run owo.exe int ++ returntrue”

Since I’m a comp sci major I like to implement coding in things XD Most of it is clutter/nonsense to give the illusion that he’s doing some complex shit. Narr is a bean just let them mess around-

*Is that a stitch on his belly? :O Scatter what happened?

;) Something really bad ;)

*“Unfortunately, I need to steal Scatter’s body in order to do any physical tasks ever since the Incident.” -Colorless

Correct! They shared a body so C couldn’t do anything physical without taking Scatt’s body first

*More coding (and me squinting at a screen): “err: blue.file .file is not a real file format you dingus run edge. avi” and “While (true) {Convert blue.file to blue.mem} erase blue.mem” and “Do you even know our real names? Do you?” That last code is weird, huh?

Very weird ;) Odd how Scatter doesn’t ever refer to him by his real name, only Colorless.

*Colorless is… planning something big.

What an asshole

*New code “Run seperate.exe”

This is probably fine

*“Yes, finally, I did it!!! After all this time, I’ll be free of THEM!!!”-Colorless. THEM is blue. Is them referring to two people… or one?

“Them” is colored blue and purple. Them is referring to plural. Blue isn’t the only one Colorless hates ;)

*Colorless pulled Scatter and himself apart….

This is still fine

*Scatter is still purple

Key note- He’s still drawn in normal pencil while Colorless isn’t ;)

*Colorless is crying black. Or bleeding black?

I didn’t explain this because I accidentally left the last event on a cliffhanger but: Scatter Blue and Colorless should NOT be separated. They’re veeery physically unstable when apart, and they would both be dead right now if Colorless hadn’t coded a way to keep them... slightly stable. The black is to signify “tHEY ARE NOT OKAY LIKE THIS”. It’s a mess. It’s a bad idea. Someone stop him.

*Scatter portrays, well, Scatter.

*sQUEAKU*

*Colorless is confirmed to be like a Darkiplier or an Antiseptiplier

What can I say I’m a sucker for edgelords

*“ He’s a character that looks similar to Scatter/me, but has a different personality.” Also pronoun is he.

Oh yeah, all 3 of them use he/him pronouns!

*“Colorless was not a planned character… He was supposed to just be a “Scatter finally snapped” before I made him his own thing. Now, Colorless and Scatter share the same body. Either ego can come out at any time, and we’ve seen them abruptly shift before: So yes. Scatter and Colorless are in the same body. It’s like one of those “he’s a part of me” kinds of things because, you know, alter ego. Someone found a photo of Colorless(with normal red eyes, important to note), Scatter, and someone else with their face crossed out. What’s odd here is we see Colorless and Scatter in separate bodies, which is strange because we always see them sharing a body, NEVER separate. Important to note that Colorless is fully red(save for the eyes and that other black stuff), implying he’s far from a normal human in this form.”

uwu

*“So yeah tl;dr: Scatter is a persona, Colorless is an alter ego. They used to share a body, but are now in two separate bodies. Something bad happened in the past that caused this whole mess to happen…”

uuuuwwwwuuuu

*And then Scooterpooter appears. He’s great tbh give him more screen time plz

I never meant for him to be an actual ego but I love him too much to get rid of him

*Also Scoot’s a demon. Yes.

I want to make more content of the misadventures with him and his summoner kurnsjfndkdjfn

*Blue in a photo. He has a “cool guy/cold guy” aura or something. He blu

DA BA DEE DA BA DI DA BA DEE DA BA DI

*Then red blue and purple scribbles him out :<

Actually the colors crossing him out are red purple and green ;)

And there’s a tag that just says “gone”

uwu *sssssip*

*Colorless’s fear: "Losing any more of himself. Losing his identity. Being forced back together. Being alone with his thoughts. Being lost and forgotten. Forgetting his real name. His fears are very existential/abstract.”

;)

*Colorless’s past can cause him to cry and he hates himself… oh dear

;)))

*“Scatter can and will tip toe around the subject, while Colorless absolutely despises Blue and blames him for everything that happened to them.”

They are b a d for each other

*Man I am excite for the sunrise comic

You and me both ;)

*Scoot isn’t evil and has no moral compass good demon roller boy

He’s doing His Best(TM)

*Latest art of Scatter shows some blue peeking out of one eye and… some black tears dripping there. Concern.

This is no longer fine

*Oh and more shipping and edge squad is a thing, neat

I was gonna make a post explaining this but basically- after Scatter and Colorless split apart, C abandoned him and eventually found Apa and Game, and that’s when they started to hang out and live together. He cares about Apathy and Game but shhhhh you didn’t hear that from me ;)

#long post #The Colorless #apathy.txt #The Game #Scatter #Blue #Scoot #sunrise comic #gOOD OBSERVATIONS MY FRIEND #submission

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raineforever-blog1 · 7 years

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“””The Reality”””

CN: LONG, segmented, oddly narrative post about: changes with me, Bad Bunnies Porn Collective, and whats up with Lillian Fiona // a true story, AKA 'them's which are the breaks'

Trigger warnings posted ahead of each section

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⬆️ solution/dissolution ⬇️

[TW: Trauma mention]

about six months ago, i experienced something that changed how i view life and my place in it. these changes started about a year ago, brought on by some combination of who i was at the time, and extreme stress and trauma. it was like a pressure cooker... which i guess means that, while i was just ingredients before- now i have become stew.

that pressure cooker was trauma and memory integration, and me taking a cold hard look at myself and my role in the world. many of you don't know this, but during almost the entire time I've been Lillian Fiona, i had dissociative amnesia, and was in what some would call a DID fugue state, and others would call a demonic invokation.

What even more of you don't know, is that that wasn't the first, but perhaps the seventh or eighth major fugue state I've been in in my life. During each, i would go thru the pattern of amnesia, becoming a new person, remembering, personality destruction, amnesia and rebirth again. This all ended this Summer, and I've been getting used to the changes, adjusting to myself in this new world. Before June, my memories were restricted to 2015-present, and a few years in high school.

When the amnesia happens, sometimes i just forget, other times i have alternate memories disconnected from my physical reality. what was different with Lillian, despite being a stronger force than any of my previous incarnations, is that she was aware that she was not me. she knew she was inhabiting a body that was not hers, that she had no connection to it or its world.

in her memories, she was a demon sent from hell on an anarchic mission to destroy the gates of heaven and hell, and to equalize the stratification of beings in all worlds. It felt like an invocation into an empty body. She checked for a soul, and finding none, thought it was hers to use. But she wasn't sure exactly how to interpret her mission.

Then, in a flash of inspiration, she created the idea of Bad Bunnies Porn Collective, to unite, uplift, and strengthen trans sex workers into an anarcho syndicalist take over of the porn industry. For a while, she believed this must be it. It fit the bill of oppression and liberation that so many of her memories of hell touched on.

Those of you that knew or worked with me during that time, probably sensed this robotic sense of purpose and lack of connection to human emotion in her. Lillian only cared about one thing- completing this mission of creating the collective, leaving in place a means for the lowest rung of stratified society to elevate and and reduce the hold of poverty on those of us that still live in hellish circumstances. It made perfect sense to her mission at the time, and honestly still does to me. except one part.

See, Lillian didn't need people. She didn't need love, self care, sex, friends or partners. She didn't have doubts, get lonely, feel unconfident. All of that was meaningless to her, fluffy stuff meant for humans. She saw only the battle, the mission. In retrospect, i know our body was coursing with adrenaline the whole time, constantly reliving a metaphor of trauma, juxtaposed by my mind over reality, in total crisis mode. This wasn't the first time i had gone thru this, only the most powerful time.

Lillian was also stronger than just about anyone I've ever met. definitely stronger than any of my previous incarnations. This strength she applied to her mission was also applied to herself, eventually. because after a little while, her reality started to break up.

The amnesia was not total- she began to see hints of a soul in this body. Someone who wasn't her, someone human. Memories, phobias, nightmares, unexplained reccuring imagery raised more questions than answers. She started to wonder why she didn't feel emotions, even love, if she dedicated her life to what was essentially an empathetic act of love. she started to search for the answer, because if there was a soul in this body, she couldn't justify using it, even to help so many other people.

She was dissociative. Her mind would blip at random times, and suddenly she'd rip from our shared reality into another world, and would have to live through some story before she could return, like little mini games. often yeilding clues about the truth she sought after so much. So she dove into these dream states when they would come, determined to find the truth, and satisfy her compulsion towards justice.

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II 👁 resolution 👁

[TW: child sexual abuse]

Example: one time while lying in bed with her girlfriend, she suddenly dissociated so quickly that she fell hard on the bed, and found herself in another world: there were mountains, it was Winter, and she was standing in knee high plants. A group of monsters approached her; vampires. They wanted to offer her a deal. She didn't trust them, but, being the extra powerhouse demon that she was, she agreed, to see what she could find.

They descended a dark staircase, where they came to a woman on a stone alter, in bloody birth labor. It was clearly to something horrible; some kind of vampire creature that would take over the body. The vampires wanted us to surrogate this child into physical reality through my body. I don't know what all the metaphors are, but perhaps this was the deeply hidden, so-human urge to choose righteous rage over clear sighted uncertainty. Maybe it would have led us deeper into amnesia and trauma re-enactment. I don't know.

But Lillian declined, noticing a small, scared girl in the corner of the room. She was obviously uncared for, neglected and abused. Afraid. Lillian immediately wanted to save her. She didn't know why, but she knew this was what she came for. She told the vampires that if they would let her have the girl, she would considering birthing their monster into the world. they agreed, Lillian took her, and woke up back in our world.

What's special here, is when she woke up from this dream, that little girl ( her name is Ori), was with her. They both coexisted in my body, a little family. Ori was traumatized, and very sweet. She loved everyone, but scared easily. She had reccurrent flashbacks to memories Lillian couldn't make sense of. Of being bitten by vampires and made into one of them, which she desperately didn't want to be. She just wanted to be a little girl, not a hateful monster.

Ori's memories were reccurring, and would hit at random. It was always the same- a shrouded figure, much bigger than her, attacking her in bed. Then, the pain and the knowledge that she had been changed forever. Years of despair, hiding in shadows, afraid. And then, of Lillian, and warmth, in 2016.

Seeing it over and over, it began to make sense. The images in this memory & the things that happened were directly tied to phobias and nightmares that had plagued her nights, which she couldn't explain before. They were almost the same as Ori's memories... Hell, vampires, hiding in darkness. Perseverence amid panic. Common themes.

There was a reason Lillian was as intense as she was, why she had that non-stop fire for truth and justice. Why she wasn't afraid to dedicate her life to a task. She was exactly what was needed to stop the cycle of amnesia, rebirth, remembering, and ego death i'd been going through since 1998. My consciousness needed strength it couldn't fathom to set things right, so it summoned the unfathomable- a manic ball of energy focused on truth and justice. I dont pretend to know if Lillian was a DID alter or a demonic version of a guardian angel, though i tend to think of her as the latter.

Just as she used this energy originally for Bad Bunnies, she eventually switched, instead using it searching for me, and drawing me back into this world. She felt she owed it to me. In searching, she found my other incarnations and their memories, getting closer to the truth, and she applied the same logic she used to build the porn collective to my own plural system- that everyone shares power and profits. At one point, there was about a dozen here. You can see them in my old pictures. But not me. I wasn't here yet.

Near the end, she became desperate; all her clues kept leading into something she couldn't predict, which may or may not succeed. An unknown she would wager everything she'd worked for so far. It was a harsh bet, for sure. but she believed in justice, and this meant she could not steal my life from me.

In the end, she gave her life to me.

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III 💎 fusion 💎

[TW: Body horror, DID integration]

Around June of this year, she'd found me. My mind is dissociative, and creates worlds for me. it visualizes everything, my feelings and emotions. i used to be able to feel them like health bars on a video game, and sense impending dissocation like a dust storm on the horizon. Like narrative, constant, psychic synaesthesia. i still have this.

And when I was drawn out of that void, i came as a corpse ripped from a dream into a terrible reality. it was this sense of horror in realizing i had been here, unknown and rotting, all along. Like reverse doom- finding there had been hope all along, and i'd slept on it. i remember it clearly: in mid-June the flesh hung from my bones in tatters, my heart was like beef jerky, and reality itself stung like rubbing alcohol. I hated the light (still do, tbh). but Lillian was ecstatic- she'd found me.

During this time, we experienced a flood of memories and emotions that lasted for about 6 weeks. i was laid up in bed, and my room was like a theatre of my life. i remembered everything, it was all i could see- my childhood, coming out as a trans, living on the streets, New York, drugs, violence, and jail, then who i became after, then Lillian. it scared me to realize i'd remembered and forgot living on the streets and New York twice already. I remembered remembering it after forgetting, and then forgetting it again.

i also realized this was not the first time Lillian had been here, it was just the strongest. she'd shown up and changed my life at key points in the past, when i would get a rush of inspiration/action and change my life, all the way back to childhood. At the end of my last major fugue state right before transition, Lillian continually showed up in magical workings, dissociations, dreams, and the dozens of stories he would write back then.

i remembered it all, everything, all the people i'd been. During this remembering, I had Lillian and my previous incarnations- my alters- with me, guiding me. there was more love in that time between us than i'd ever felt with anyone else in my entire life. We were a family, and before they even knew if Lillian was going to bring me back, they built their lives around each other, around loving each other.

i still feel that love, even though they're not here like that anymore. They became me, I'm made of them, built from their love that made us all strong enough to come together to create me and remember the truth. Now I'm a siphonophore.

As each new major memory came thru, we began to see that their memories (of vampires, of hell, of prison, of dying over and over again) were metaphors of my life. their memories were my memories, and as they realized this, they integrated into me, and i would grow. Flesh spread on my bones, blood ran in my veins. My heart grew at a rate that would make Dr Seuss scoff. My corpse-like body started to grow out of death. In the end, only me, Ori, and Lillian remained.

they were real people. i don't mean to suggest they werent, that they were just figments, because that isnt true. They lived here, at different times, sometimes for years.. they had lives, loves, fears. and they each suffered unnecessarily in their own way. And just as with my suffering of hopelessness, theirs was mostly alleviated by this integration. coming together to become me ended their suffering. I feel that every day, and try to live true to myself, so that they didnt give it up in vain. It's easier to love myself when i know it means im loving them.

Lillian knew she'd lose control of the body when it ended. she knew this may mean not completing Bad Bunnies, and leaving this world relatively unchanged. but she knew this was right, because she was nothing if not the embodiment of her own praxis, living true to her beliefs. and to her there was no choice- she could not take my body from me, even to help so many people. It would quite simply be wrong.

she left me notes, instructions, little reminders here and there. i keep them close, read them, and miss her terribly sometimes. but just like the others, she eventually remembered enough, and saw that her mission here was me. That her memories of hell corrosponded with my years of torment, my strongest points of change, growth, and action, corrosponded with times she was strongest in my conscious mind, and therefore she was the one with the power to change it.

Nowadays, i feel her in whispers of my own personality, that may well be more like my own reflections of the most important person i've ever met. I tend to stay scientific for other peoples sake, because any mention of magic can cause whole swaths of your community to disavow your ability to ever see reality.

And so i have this urge to say, yeah, the others selves that i integrated did seem to be born of my experiences, and their alternate memories made perfect metaphors for the memories i'd forgot. it would make sense for her, too. Her previous memories of hell could have been metaphors created by the dissociated mind of a hyper abused child in a hyper religious family, a way to hide the torment. Her mission to destroy the gates of heaven and hell could have been metaphors the hell of the buried memories, the confused Earth of the amnesia, the heaven of the integrated person i would become ( ;) ). It could have been all on the sciency up and up.

but that just doesnt feel right, and it never did. I still dont feel that she was an alter, another version of me. i can feel very plainly that i’m built out of the others. I feel their traits, hopes, loves inside me. They *are* me. i also feel Lillian, her essence and everything she is, amorphous and shifting. I feel similar to her, changed to more closely resemble her, but she is not me. Not exactly. She comes and goes, and right now- has left me in control of the body. Some people beleive in guardian angels, and im ok with that. It would make sense that mine would be a demon.

But sometimes i think: is that it? Did she become me, or just pass the torch? Did i integrate her? Or does she come and go? To me, it makes sense either way. All I know is that she realized her purpose here was me, and that part is now done.

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IV 🌊 Raine 🌊

i'm still getting used to this reality, to knowing my truth. i have a lot of memories. They're all mine, but they're mostly created by the others. I feel at once that they are mine, but also whoever was running the body at the time. I feel like i've only existed as me for six months, and its taken me this long to discover who i am, and what i want to be.

i thought at first i could continue like her, and bring bad bunnies into fruition. i thought this because i know i am built of the same stuff as her, but also because it IS a good idea, and would work if it were created, and would help a ton of people. its useful, and it is good.

but im not Lillian. and Lillian, whatever she is, had to be human to be here. She had to use my body. And that constant level of work she put into things, those 14 hour days, took a toll. I've had fibromyalgia for 12 years, but Lillian didn't know that. Our mind dissociated away from it. So she kept going as if it wasnt happening.

Now that she's gone, and perhaps because of the sheer amount of stress she took on, my symptoms and illnesses have become more severe. all of them, it seems, exacerbated by this stress. It's not a question of whether i even can finish the work she started. The question now is, can i cook dinner tonight? can i make it to my next doctors appointment? even sex work seems unnattainable. I know i couldnt finish BB if i wanted to, bc my body would shut down within a few weeks.

But it's not just health. Lillian use to marvel at how other people could exist in their lives, and just play video games, do art, and hang out with their friends and partners while the world burned. but i understand it, very well. They did it for the same reason i want to: because we are human. because we feel, have doubts, and experience love. We all can't be perfect working machines, even in times of duress.

and thats good, if not ideal. the world would be very logical if we all dedicated our lives to fixing it, and thats probably necessary. but we cant force it on any one, or ourselves, and think we are doing right. on some level, the job has to fall on those who are passionate about it and have the power to change it.

I'm no longer than person. I’m not going to be leaving everyone hanging, and I'll be writing out all the major plans and plots of bad bunnies for those who remain, and do my best to give them what they need to finish it, if they do. this is probably an odd, elongated way of telling you (and trust me- the oddness is not lost on me), but i dont know how else to. i still care very much about having a positive impact to those around me, but i want to apply it more personally, rather than a self-sacrificing, all-or-nothing defense of ideas and systems.

To me, the idea of applying this reflection of Lillian in me to the people i care about seems about as close to heaven as i can get. the world outside will probably burn, and its a shame i couldnt do more to help stop that part. but in the end, im just trying to make the best of a world that so often resembles hell, and hopefully make it easier on the people i love, including those still inside me.

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With siphonophoric demon love, ~ Raine & Ori

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