#tbh the hotel would be best but i would also settle for Bernard's watch. pause the world I'll have a cry I'll write a report | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

thedreadvampy · 1 year ago

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like this morning I had a Big Cry about work but then tonight I had a Big Cry about personal shit and ultimately I think I can simply say I Am At My Fucking Limit. didn't expect to be didn't plan to be but hell here I am at the End Of My Fucking Rope.

can't do it can't cope with it being Monday tomorrow can't get up and do it all over again when I feel like this. but also can't pull a sickie bc I need to sort shit out and there's a thing that has a final final deadline at lunchtime and I need to have my 1:1 and I just cannot. I cannot cope. I need to hide under the bed for at least 48 hours.

#red said #it's been a while since I felt like i needed to leave the universe #i felt like this all the time as a child #like. not suicidal thoughts just thinking REALLY HARD AND CONSTANTLY about the hotel outside the universe #i made the hotel up when i was like. 9? 10?#and was really conscious that i needed to Stop #the hotel outside the universe doesn't have time or space. no time passes while you're there but also you can't do anything there.#it's for catching up with yourself. it's a place you can go on holiday for a few weeks and Do Nothing and have no expectations on you #it's death but you're around to enjoy it. you can't do anything in the hotel and you're not bored either.#the way in which it differs from sleep or death is that you're aware of being there. it's time you consciously exist for.#you don't age in the hotel because there's no time. you don't do anything. nobody else is there. you are functionally nonexistent.#but you have space to catch up with yourself. to scream and shout and sleep and think things through and calm down #and then you come back to the moment you left with the benefit of having taken some time away #the advantage of the hotel outside the universe is that it's a space where there's no responsibility and no consequences so you can just Be #the disadvantage of the hotel is that it doesn't FUCKING EXIST #there's no way to like. think yourself into having had a Fucking Break. it isn't an option. life is an endless flow of consequences.#nowhere you can go in the world or your own mind is Away From Consequences #so the hotel outside the universe is just a desperate unfulfillable yearning I've had since i can remember #i don't want to die bc the whole point is that i want to make everything i can out of life. i want to squeeze it for all it's worth #but trying to do the right thing all the time. to make the best life. is fucking exhausting. and then i can't enjoy it.#so i want to die For A Holiday and then come back #for me death is like. i don't want it bc it closes off all the options for exciting things.#but also it's the end of consequence. i told my therapist i don't want to die but i often feel like the only time I'm going to know peace #is the split second in which i know I'm going to die and there's no way left to prevent it happening #when there's no choices left to make and no ability to do right or wrong by the people i care about #I'm gonna go to the hotel for one heartbeat and then I'm gonna cease to exist at all. but what a relief that last instant will be.#anyway. that's about the hotel. i haven't felt overwhelmed enough to be desperate for a holiday outside the universe for a while #but it's Bad Times lads #tbh the hotel would be best but i would also settle for Bernard's watch. pause the world I'll have a cry I'll write a report #I'll sleep for 12 hours I'll cry a bit more and then I'll click go again and it'll be FINE

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