#tbf I've been less productive all this week but

[ardenrosegarden]

self-sabotage as misdirected control (didn't work on a saturday)

[walkingstackofbooks]

Just shouting into the void ~

So my job application writing is going great /s ...

Lol I can't even focus on writing down these thoughts I'm already thinking on here what hope do I even have of writing a coherent personal statement?

Gah

I'm on #6 since April and they've got progressively harder. Like, I guess that makes sense in terms of motivation and whatnot, and also I am pretty burnt out after spending half-term with family instead of resting (it was nice but god, I should not have gone back into work straight away after) but also I'd started on meds for #1 and they worked GREAT but now it seems that initial burst has worn off and even after increasing they're not as good?

#1 - 12 weeks ago - Solidly worked on it for 2 days and did not procrastinate overly much - barely at all on day 1! It was wild! Magic!

#2 - 7 weeks ago - My expectations were high - and not quite met. More work than expected, there was less that I could copy-and-paste from the last than I thought there'd be. Got really tired in the afternoon and napped, had a sudden revival about 10 at night 😅

#3 - 4 weeks ago - Lots of productivity just... housework-wise. It was great for getting stuff I needed done though! Did bits and starts, didn't really get a good go at anything till Sun eve and even that was hard.

#4 and #5 - 3 weeks ago - Really productive evening at a friend's who offered to body double. Was fairly good the next day after a nap, too; bit of procrastination that weekend, but generally okay.

#6 - now - Did a fairly solid bit for a few hours yesterday, but then solidly procrastinated and lost belief I could do it. Have solidly procrastinated this morning, including some housework productivity, haven't been able to bring myself to even open the word doc.

I just haven't felt like this at all during this round of applications I don't think - back to what I felt during essay-writing and all that other shit that uses this sort of brain power. Most of the others was working to a tighter deadline, but not all of them were next-day affairs, and I was able to hold myself to my own deadline for once - I didn't pull any all-nighters, which is out-of-the-norm for me. This one isn't due until the end of next week (and gosh there's actually a #7 also due in next week which I've just put to one side bc I cannot) but I've got something on next weekend that I want to go to and haven't been able to go to in years but I'm just so aware I could miss it and wouldn't that be easier, Andi?, then you wouldn't have to do this damn application now!

Dammit I just hate my brain and the way it just slides over the paper when trying to get a grip on what I've done so far and doesn't take anything in and just can't be assed with the consequences of not doing it now, even as I get more and more anxious, and the whole spiral that is doing-things-now-but-not-enjoying-them knowing that if I just do the damn thing I can enjoy future things more!

(I think this all comes in the context of I cannot enjoy anything until I get a job bc my life is currently on hold and I just have to go through endless application processes but there's only this short window in May-June for most jobs and fricking hell I don't even WANT any of these jobs I'm just legally required to get it so I can resume my current, enjoyable job in two years time... Which is fun.)

Anywayyy

This is just more procrastination.

(I'm also not sure if I'm procrastinating going to the shops or putting it off in the hope I'll do some work but it's a Sunday so they'll close in two hours which is a good thing tbf otherwise I might procrastinate it longer than tea but also AGH I don't have TIME to go to the shops but I can't afford NOT to and I seemingly have time to procrastinate so just go out to the shops already you damned fool.)