#tamlin is a mess because that's how he rolls now after ACOSF

[thrumugnyr]

A quick sketch of Tamlin and Nyx inspired by their appearance in @witch-and-her-witcher's fanfic A Court of Chaos and Darkness

[exquisitley-obsessed]

Fiances, Firebirds, Foxes and Fawns:13

Author: @exquisitley-obsessed

Summary: A few weeks after Briallyn’s attempt at uniting with Koschei, Lucien opens the door of Lockhart Manor to find Elain, cold from the rain and holding a note from the High Lady of the Night Court demanding her to assist Lucien in building alliances with the human councils. Forced to work together by their exhausted High Lord and Lady, Elain is able to convince anyone to do anything, while Lucien has the acquaintances to go anywhere he likes. Together, they attempt to unite the fae and mortal lands and unravel the deal made between Koschei and Vassa, while Lucien remains haunted by his own promise to Elain’s father. ELUCIEN, POST-ACOSF

Pairings: Elain x Lucien, Elucien

Warnings: NSFW

MY MASTERLIST

THIS FIC’S MASTERLIST

AO3

Chapter Thirteen: Unreliable Heart

I don’t care, I’m not leaving you behind.

Her voice echoed around Lucien’s mind, and though that certainly wasn’t the only thing about yesterday that was haunting him, those words had clung to him the moment they left her mouth.

And whose duty is it to protect you?

No one, to answer her question. Once upon a time, he’d thought it was his mother who was to protect him, and then he had watched year after year as she had destroyed herself doing just that. Eris hadn’t protected him, not really. Lessons and a sword were not enough, and Lucien had learnt not to consider scraps more than their worth. Tamlin…

Tamlin. His oldest friend turned…political acquaintance? Everything had been so good for so long, until Feyre, and whilst it was a terrible thought, perhaps Lucien hadn’t minded the obvious holes in their friendship because, simply, Lucien had had a friend. For the first time in his life, he had someone other than his mother, an uncaring brother or a random lover backing him, willing to fight and kill for him. He’d felt protected in Spring Manor and the years of peaceful, oblivious existence was proof of that.

Sighing, Lucien got up and out of bed. Before the sunset this day he and Elain would be settling in Spring Manor. The idea of bringing his mate into those ruined halls awoke the base mate desires, though those had been singing in his blood ever since the kiss.

God, that kiss.

The rest of yesterday had passed in his room writing letters and tying up loose ends with the mortal men for the following week, they would be missing the next meeting after all. The entire time Lucien’s body had grown more and more taut with frustration, and as he’d moved around his room deep in the night, throwing his clothes into a bag, his mind had been elsewhere, out in the forest by that riverbed. It didn’t take long for him to throw himself in an armchair before the roaring fire only to find that he was uncomfortably and unavoidably aroused.

He’d tried distracting himself with business numbers and thoughts of how to engage productively with Tamlin, but every time he shut his eyes, he just saw her. Heard her sighs. Felt the soft curves of her body pushing against him, the taste of her mouth, her scent as it had turned musky and yet still floral, like dried tea leaves.

When he’d opened his eyes again it was to find that he’d yanked on the drawstring of his pants, pulled them down and had taken himself roughly in his hand and was now lazily stroking himself. Glaring down at his throbbing member Lucien allowed his mind to empty, his entire being zoning in on that point of delicate pleasure as his fingers half-heartedly explored himself. There was a decision being made as he ran his fingers along the underside of his aching cock before gently stroking the head.

After a shiver of pure, physical pleasure, Lucien sighed with tired resignation. This was not going anywhere any time soon, not when her hot touch was still burning on his skin, and leaning back in his armchair Lucien allowed his mind to fill once more with the concept of her. His fingers moved from stroking to gripping as he took a firmer hold of himself, his other hand moving his trousers further down as his head rolled back.

Gritting his teeth Lucien closed his eyes and was once more overwhelmed by the sensation of her. Now moving from everything they had done to everything he wanted to do. The noises he wanted to pull from her, the expressions he wanted to see as pushed into her for the very first time.

It wasn’t hard to imagine that it was her smooth, delicate hand gripping him, and as his thumb brushed over the buds of precum weeping from his head, he pictured placing each droplet on the tip of her pink tongue and watching as she lapped them up eagerly.

With his other hand, he now moved to lift his shirt, his fingers running luxuriously across the tight, lithe muscles of his abdomen which promptly fluttered into rigid tension. Again he imaged her fingers running across his skin, feeling him, getting a scope of his body – the body that was made specifically for her. Gripping himself even tighter his entire body turned taut and quivering, his thighs straining, his ass clenching as his hips abruptly jerked into his awaiting fist.

A breathy curse tore from his lips as the images flooded into his mind in a jumbled, desperate mess. Her thighs spilling out of stockings. The sloping curve of her ass as she bent in front of him. The swell of her stomach as he took her from the side. Hair and tits and teeth scraping down his throat. Her lips on him, around him – licking, tasting, teasing.

Taking her in his chambers for hours, putting ice in her mouth and not letting her cum till it melts. Running his hands along her thighs under the dinner table, his hand on her leg like a permanent accessory. Fucking her hard and fast in that raw, animalistic way the bond craved for – that he craved for too. Making her fucking scream, letting the world know how sinful her pleasured whimpers sounded and then reminding that same world that she was his.

Her body. Her mouth. Her cunt. Warm. Tight. Wet.

Lucien came with a jagged gasp. His entire body coiling in on itself as his hip raised off the chair before he collapsed with a shudder as wave after wave of pleasure tore through him. His orgasm barrelled into him with a raw intensity bestowed only by the bond, causing his entire body to tremble as his cum splattered on the awaiting bare skin of his abdomen.

It seemed to take several moments with his hand still lazily milking himself before Lucien felt his entire body give out, his muscles turning into something liquid and satiated as he collapsed back in the chair. Sitting there, he could only manage to heave several breaths, his entire body feeling damp and warm as a light sheen of sweat coated his skin, making strands of his ruby hair stick to his face. When it came to Elain, everything was so much more intense.

After several heaving breaths, he felt himself begin to soften in his hand and let himself go as he pushed his hair off his face.

Looking down, he glanced at the milky cum splattered across his torso, the pale colour making his skin look even richer in the flickering firelight. An unbidden image of Elain on her knees before him, tracing the pattern of his cum with her tongue flooded into his mind and he let out a distressed groan.

So not entirely satiated then.

Chest still heaving for breath, Lucien pull his shirt from his body and began to lazily clean himself up. Pulling his pants off quickly after, Lucien threw away both offending items of clothing. He would bathe in the morning but for now, for tonight, he would enjoy the satiated feeling of his body, the sponginess of his muscles, the lack of taut hardness between his legs.

With the fire slowly dying Lucien had crawled between the sheets of his bed, pulling them down to his waist so that his bare torso may be kissed by the soft summer’s breeze coming from the window.

He’d slept better than he had in months, perhaps even years, and when he’d woken up it was to find something at ease within him.

Yesterday had happened, he’d kissed Elain and today they were travelling to Spring together where it was just to be them – and Tamlin.

Lucien had bathed hurriedly, not allowing his hands to linger too long on any part of himself. Then he was out and dressing, making sure to throw on an outfit that had come from his days in Spring. He wasn’t going to make much progress if he showed up in Illyrian leathers, again. After checking his bag several times, Lucien took a deep breath and went to find Elain.

She wasn’t in her room. Lucien had knocked and knocked and knocked and, nothing. The knocking was, of course, mostly a formality given that Lucien’s intuition as well as the bond clearly told him that his mate was not behind the door in front of him.

Trying to calm the rising ocean of panic Lucien knocked once more and after no answer, he turned the handle and peeked his head around the door.

Trying to calm the rising ocean of panic Lucien knocked once more and after no answer, he turned the handle and peeked his head around the door.

“Elain?”

Nothing. Not a whisper of life in the barren room. Opening the door wider Lucien could see that her bed was made, and her vanity cleaned out, the room was as he’d always known this guest room to be, spotless and lifeless. The only evidence Elain had ever been her were her bags stacked neatly in the centre of the room.

She was packed and ready which meant that surely she wasn’t too far, though this had been the time and place they’d agreed to meet before they travelled to the border and winnowed. Sighing, Lucien pushed into the room – and was hit by a mans scent.

Freezing mid-step, his entire body going rigid, Lucien inhaled deeply and found none other than Jurian’s scent laced throughout the room, mingling with the scent of his mate.

Something cold and deadly ran the length of his spine as the mating bond pumped a lethal protectiveness into his veins, or perhaps that was simply him. Setting his jaw, Lucien dug his hands into his pockets and surveyed the room, his metal eye whirring and clicking and searching for any evidence of the man who had dared to enter his mate’s room.

Mid-search Lucien heard voices far down the corridor, and it was only a second later that he recognised them as Elain and Jurian’s. The direction they were coming from told him they had just been in his room and were now heading to hers.

Extinguishing the flames coiling around his fingers, Lucien turned to the door.

***

“I just thought you should know,” Elain sighed as Jurian walked her back to her room.

She’d woken up and decided that she just had to tell someone about what she’d seen last night. There was no point ignoring such a pivotal vision given the circumstances. Especially given that her powers seemed to be coming back, whatever that meant.

Lucien had been her go to but when she’d reached for the bond that morning she’d been overwhelmed with such a pure, endless peace that she’d found she could not be the one to disturb it. For the first time, the usual tint of sadness that came from her mate’s end of the bond was nowhere to be found – and that was a magical thing indeed.

With Vassa still transfigured Elain had gone to Jurian’s room, only a few paces down the hall from hers. He’d opened the door with a knife in his hand and a murderous expression. Apparently, he didn’t get many visitors, particularly before 9 o’clock.

“I understand. I’m glad you told me of this.” Elain didn’t need to look at the madman to know he was being sincere.

“I’ll tell Lucien when I see him, perhaps you could tell Vassa too.”

“Yes, I don’t know if she ever was able to see Koschei with her own eyes, but I shall ask if grey arms and white scars ring any bells. Either way, you should hear from me soon.”

Jurian had been surprisingly quiet and contemplative as Elain had spoken of her vision-dream. Nothing she had said was lost on him, he didn’t scoff or brush off anything, he’d simply listened and appeared to be taking mental notes as he did so.

It had surprisingly warmed her heart as she thought back to those early days out of the Cauldron when she’d desperately tried to speak to her Night Court family. In her head, she could still see the rolling eyes of Nesta or the pained pitying expression of her brother-in-law as they both dismissed her pleas for rambling madness.

But before her stood a man who knew what it was to lose yourself, and never give up on the fight back home. That morning, for the first time since turning fae, Elain felt as though she were making a true friend, not just adopting someone else’s.

“Thank you,” she turned and smiled at him, bowing her head slightly.

As she had turned back to her upcoming door she’d nearly stumbled to find Lucien there, his stature filling the doorframe as he leant against it. He was the image of perfect boredom, his arms folded over his chest as he looked lazily around him, but Elain could instantly feel a dark swirling possessiveness radiating from the bond. Reaching for him, Elain was surprised to find that this dark storm of emotions was concentrated into one repeating word.

Mine.

“Lucien!” Jurian called out with an easy smirk, ignoring the very evident gloom swirling around her mate. Walking closer, Elain saw how Lucien’s eyes flickered to her and seemed to stare at her with a hard, concentrated emotion that she could not decipher. Then his eyes were on the madman, and they turned entirely deadly.

“Jurian,” he husked, and a shiver ran the length of Elain’s spine.

“You ready to head to Spring? Bags all packed?” Jurian goaded, bouncing on his feet as he refused to stand still. Lucien didn’t deem Jurian with a retort, he merely looked back to Elain, that same hardness in his eye.

“Yes, I am.” He spoke slowly, dragging the words so that goosebumps prickled across her skin. “I was just coming to check on my mate…only to find her missing…and your scent polluting her chambers.”

Ah.

“Lucien-” Elain began, quickly understanding the misunderstanding that had occurred. But stupid, stupid Jurian got there first.

“Ah yes, I’ve been frequenting her room as of late,” the madman grinned, hands behind his back. Lucien seemed to somehow, impossibly, turn more rigid. “We’ve had plenty of interesting topics we’ve needed to…discuss.” Jurian toyed with the words in his mouth, and the whole situation was not made any better by Elain’s cheeks furiously flushing red.

“No-” Elain interjected.

“No?” Jurian gasped with faux drama. “Don’t lie to the poor man Elain-”

“I’m not-”

“We’ve had plenty of things to discuss-”

“I know-”

“Like what you think of at night-”

“Jurian.”

Lucien watched the exchange with a careful eye, but even Elain noticed that some of the tension easing from his form. The sibling-like bickering seemed to soothe some part of his mind.

“I’ve come in the night to alleviate her worried mind.”

“Jurian-”

“Amongst other things-”

“Jurian!” But the madman was simply grinning stupidly at her mate, the glint in his eye revealing that he knew exactly what he was doing.

“He’s being stupid,” Elain sighed, stepping closer to Lucien who observed her instantly. When she was a few inches away she spoke again, putting a hand on his shoulder. “He’s trying to get a rise out of you, there is nothing between us, we’ve merely been discussing Koschei.”

Lucien seemed to ponder her for a moment. Then he was looking between his mate and the grinning, stupid madman observing them both with a fierce, pensive stare. After several moments of contemplation, it seemed that Lucien had decided the best course of action would be to curl his arm around Elain’s shoulders and pull her protectively against his chest.

“I know buttercup,” Lucien husked, somehow glaring through the grin he gave the madman.

It was an almost animalistic display of possession.

Elain wasn’t used to fae customs, and as her cheek pressed into the thin cotton of her mate’s shirt all she could think was that she and Lucien weren’t ‘allowed’ to touch in front of company – at least according to mortal customs. But Lucien didn’t seem to want to hold Elain for any other purpose than to flaunt her in front of Jurian, and though some part of her mind knew she should dislike being displayed, another part of her – an overwhelming part of her – loved the idea of Lucien brandishing her as his.

“I would’ve thought Jurian smarter, though. Provoking me has never fared well for him.” It was Jurian’s turn to scoff.

“I can take you fox-boy.”

“No. You can’t,” Lucien said with enough ease to show his honesty.

“In a duel, no,” Jurian tilted his head, “But if we were really fighting I wouldn’t play by the rules. I play dirty, Lucien, you know this. Before you’d know what was happening I’d take that pretty mate of yours and slit her throat before you could beg.”

Lucien’s arm tightened viciously around Elain and perhaps subconsciously, she burrowed into him too. Stealing a glance up at her mate, Elain saw such a vicious fire as there appeared to be a thousand deadly promises in that one look. Elain knew she should be frightened, that the sight of a fae with such death in his eye should send her running. But she just found him beautiful.

Just when the tension seemed to reach a breaking point, Lucien tilted his head back and laughed. Somehow, this made him feel more dangerous.

“You’re a funny man, Jurian.”

“It wasn’t a joke,” Jurian sighed, bored.

“I know, and it’s the only one I’ll allow you to make,” one of Lucien’s hands came up to twirl a strand of her hair, “As you should know that if you ever joke of hurting my mate again, I will leave only enough of your corpse that it would be Queen Vassa’s duty to recognise you.”

Elain didn’t fully understand the threat but something bitter settled in Jurian’s coffee-coloured eyes as he surreptitiously shifted his stance, his hands coming to rest in front of his crotch. Though Elain’s focus was very much shot as Lucien’s arm still curled her into him, his hand still burrowed into her hair, combing her curls.

“Enough…” Elain eventually sighed, glaring at the two boys, “Enough peacocking for one morning, okay? Aren’t we expected in Spring?”

Elain’s voice seemed to clear the air as both man and male seemed to shake their heads as though to empty their minds. And just like that, they were back to being friends.

“Yes, we should head to the border as soon as you’re ready, from there we should be set to winnow.” Lucien looked down at her, and to her great pleasure, he didn’t move his arm and seemed entirely at ease with keeping it around her.

Elain nodded before meeting Jurian’s eye.

“I…what Jurian and I were discussing…”

“Yes, buttercup?” Lucien frowned down at her, brushing some of her hair away from her face.

“I had a vision…” Elain began. Lucien turned rigid.

“About Koschei-”

“About Graysen-”

They both spoke at the same time, and in turn, both of them scrunched up their faces, confused. Graysen? Why would she be having a vision about Graysen?

“Oh,” Lucien muttered after a moment, evidentially bewildered.

“We can talk about it when we get to Spring but…yeah, I just thought you should know.”

Lucien continued to assess her, his hand running down the side of her face before he seemed to realise just how close he was holding her. Clearing his throat Lucien grinned down at her before removing his arm and turning back to her room where he walked in and hoisted her bags.

“Right, looks like we’re all set,” Lucien huffed a few seconds later as he re-entered the corridor and proceeded to hold out his mate’s bag. From the shadows, Nuala’s two grey hands reached out and grasped the bag before pulling them into the dark crook and making them disappear.

“Well, we’re off.” Lucien grinned at the madman as he presented his arm to Elain, who took it gladly. Jurian seemed to nod absentmindedly.

“I’ll walk you down.”

He did just that, trailing behind the mated couple as they made their last journey through the home and down the stairs. As they neared the looming wooden door and Lucien passed out a few farewells to the awaiting maids and cooks, Jurian called out once more.

“Lucien!” Elain watched as her mate turned and eyed the madman, his foot already out the door. Jurian seemed to glare at him for a moment before, “It would do you good to remember a certain promise you made to Master Archeron.”

A shiver ran the length of Elain’s spine, and as she looked up at the suddenly hard look on her mate’s face – a bead of inquiry took root.

***

Their journey had been a quick one, Lucien winnowing them most of the way to the border. He’d even stopped several times to encourage Elain to winnow on her own, she’d made it only a few feet forward, but Lucien had looked at her as though she’d invented sliced bread.

The Spring border loomed near when they talked of her powers again.

“Have you been having visions for a while?” Lucien held back a branch so that she could pass under it, birdsong and the early morning sun surrounding them.

“One or two, here and there, but everything went quiet after Hybern.” Lucien hummed, shouldering his pack.

“Do you think something has catalysed it?”

“Maybe,” Elain pondered, “I certainly think I’m shown these things for a reason – none of them have been accidental, they’ve all proved to have a purpose.”

“That worries me,” Lucien hummed, pulling back another branch.

“It does?”

“Koschei showing up in the dreams of my mate isn’t exactly my image of a perfect situation.”

“No…but that vision was strange, it didn’t feel right.”

“No?”

“No, it didn’t feel like an image of the future it felt like it was actually happening, like I was actually talking to Koschei.”

“Well, that’s just…brilliant.” Elain couldn’t help but grin at her mate’s incredulous tone. Their conversation faded to matters of Nesta and her powers, the ones she had given up and they also spoke of the Cauldron and how it had taken to Elain.

Soon enough they neared the edge of dead woods in which there used to be the poisoned magic of The Wall, keeping the mortal and fae realms divided. Now there seemed to be an overwhelming sense of absence, and this darkness had taken its toll as the ground turned dead and crunchy underfoot as all plant life thinned into black and brown dust.

Lucien, of course, only seemed brighter and full of more life in this land of death. Turning he extended his hand with a grin to which Elain presented her arm.

Without a word, Lucien wrapped his fingers around her wrist as he readied himself. However, the minute his fingers were wrapped around her, Elain was thrust back into a recess of her mind.

***

Elain was standing in the Study of the house she’d grown up in, a forbidden place full of adult, mature items. Before her stood her mother, steely in her age and not yet touched by the poisoned hands of illness. She was wearing her hair in a wreath of braids and a navy, modest gown.

“Show me your wrists,” the woman said in a plain, even tone that sent shivers down Elain’s spine.

Elain’s jaw locked awkwardly as she furiously bit her tongue. With more aggression than necessary Elain thrust her right hand and forward, palm facing the ceiling. Her mother looked down at the hand with something akin to watered disgust.

The woman proceeded to wrap her middle finger and thumb around Elain’s wrist, all the while looking at the act analytically. Elain’s skin was pulled taut as her mother desperately tried to make both fingers meet, but there remained roughly an inch of space. The woman sighed heavily, evidently disappointed in her daughter’s lacking, and when her mother brought her hands over her chest, Elain allowed her somewhat abused wrist to fall back by her side. She knew what was coming.

“Elain-”

“I know-”

“Do you?” Oh, she was furious. “Do you have any idea why I do these things? Why I ensure that all my daughters are kept to such a strict standard?”

Elain said nothing.

“Elain.”

“I know, ma’am.”

“Tell me.”

“We are kept to strict standards because we are worthy of it. It is out of your kindness that we have our lessons and are guided into better lives.” The words were mechanical, spoken in a monotone voice, the mantra falling from Elain’s mouth as they had done so a thousand times before.

Elain’s mother appeared to consider her for a second and something within Elain flinched – had she said it wrong? Was this mistake worthy of a beating? What was coming next, why did it scare her so much to not know?

But to Elain’s morbid surprise, her furious mother who stood like she was made of steel sank back against the desk and buried her head in her hands. Elain merely watched, numb and shocked, as her mother showed perhaps the first true emotion Elain had ever seen from her.

It was macabre, to see the woman whom Elain had known to be ruthless and mechanical, break down. It was at that moment that Elain realised that she needed her mother to be that person – the villain in her story – because that was the only justification of the small stone of hate Elain carried in her heart for the woman.

The silence dragged on, the room now feeling impossibly small and stuffy as Elain merely watched her mother tiredly drag her hands down her face as she looked at the floor. Then, quick as a whip, her mother’s eyes met hers and for the first time in a long time, Elain could not read her.

“Elain I…” her mother said tiredly, her arms returning to their defensive position across her chest. One Elain so often did herself. “I raised you to be extraordinary, I need you…to be extraordinary.”

Elain had nothing to say to that. Her mother’s harsh attitude had only worked when it felt as though it had come from a place of aristocratic concern over the family image, the idea her mother was genuinely trying to care for her, in some weird way, was painfully unfathomable.

“This world will crush you, Elain,” she continued, “Because it loves girls like you. It loves girls who are innocent and unprotected. Those are the girls men like to break. When you go to them with a heart already made of steel, there is nothing for them to abuse.”

Elain’s mother tilted her head and began to rub at the spot in which her neck and shoulder connected, the first sign of relaxation or weakness Elain had ever seen of her. Her mother continued.

“Nesta was forged and Nesta, in time, will find her battle armour and will be indestructible. But you…your big heart is not poetic, Elain, not in a world full of so much greed. Your heart is a weakness, it’s a beautiful thing just aching to be exploited. This world will crush you regardless so let me do it first. Let me break you so I can protect you.”

Having now moved on from being blind-sighted by her mother’s display of emotions, Elain felt the gravity of her words sinking in.

“You’re wrong,” was all she said, and not for the first time, she felt like a tiny, little girl begging for her mum’s attention. “I don’t – mother’s don’t need to break their children – I-”

“Elain-” Her mother sighed, standing from the desk and walking to the drinks cabinet.

“No, I know, I know you’re trying to protect me and Feyre and Nesta, but you really don’t have to!” Elain’s mother poured a glass of sherry and knocked it back with surprising ferocity. “Mum I don’t want to marry a prince; I want to marry someone who I love!”

The woman poured herself another glass, shaking her head tiredly. Slowly, she turned around and leaned against the cabinet, and in that move, Elain saw an opening for her argument.

“I don’t care for kingdoms or palaces mother. Nesta’s the one to do that she’s the one to score the future King. But I want to marry for love, even if that man only owns the clothes on his back and a simple hut.”

She knew what she sounded like. Stupid, infatuated, aristocratic with no sense of reality. But Elain had always been a dreamer, cushioned enough by her family’s wealth to never touch the ground. It was only her Mother’s harsh schooling that had stopped her from running away with fairies at night.

“I want to marry for love,” Elain reasserted, though her argument sounded weak to her own ears, “Love is the best thing that can happen to me – not wealth or a Lord and…and you cannot change my mind.”

They stared at each other for a solid moment. Elain’s hands shaking by her sides, her mother staring at her in a way that was slow and steady as she finished her drink and put down her glass.

“It doesn’t matter how much of a hopeless romantic you are, Elain.” Her voice was slighter colder than before. “Regardless, you will be married to a man whether we do this my way or not. It doesn’t matter who you meet nor how much you think you love him, one day you will wake up next to him and hate everything about him. Then, you’ll hate yourself even more for being deluded enough to think he was worthy of your time. You may as well make sure that when that morning comes, and it will, you will be waking in a palace, and not a hut.”

Elain hated how her mother’s words cut into her, the skill she had no doubt passed onto Nesta. Elain couldn’t do that, she merely did not care for intentionally hurting others, she had no interest in diluting her heart or manipulating the emotions of those around her.

She was like her father in that way. She knew nothing other than how to be vulnerable and whilst she could understand her mother’s itch to protect her, Elain truly believed that there was someone out there who would love her completely and entirely – and they would never hurt her.

“You loved someone didn’t you?” Elain finally whispered; she didn’t need to even look at her mother’s reaction to know she had struck gold. “But…it went wrong…and now you assume the same will happen to everyone else…”

They said nothing. Did nothing.

“You’re miserable, mum-” the woman flinched. She wasn’t called ‘mum’. Ever. It was too informal. “-you’re miserable and so you think everyone has to be too because that’s how life is. Right? But what if it's not?”

It was a futile attempt. There had already been too many years of bitterness that had sealed her mother’s heart in a case of ice and there was nothing to penetrate it – not even the pleas of her daughter. A small silence fell in which all that could be heard was the wood snapping, a noise familiar to the one Elain’s arm had made when she fell off that horse – the sound of something breaking.

“I love you, Elain.” The woman breathed, her eyes were firm, but her mouth was folded down slightly at the corners. “More than you can possibly know.”

Elain had nothing to say to that. All she knew was that her mother’s mind was decided, and she had lost the battle.

“You know why?” The woman continued, “Because you’re like me. More than Feyre or Nesta – you’re like me when I was young. If, when I was your age, I had someone like me, guiding myself away from the bad things in life, I could’ve been saved a whole lot of hurt.” Elain shook her head furiously.

“Do you really regret those experiences? Or did you just get hurt and that scared you, and now you can’t open up again?”

“I got hurt. Again, and again, and again. By rich men and poor men, by poets and scientists and men who hunted fae to those who believed they were gods. I didn’t care how much it hurt or the fact I never learnt my lesson, because all of that went away the minute I got the pure rush of realising that someone wanted me.”

Elain flinched.

“That’s what this is about, Elain.” Her mother’s eyes had turned uncomfortably glassy as she told Elain more of herself than she ever had before. “You don’t want to fall in love with a poor man and feel secretly superior in your hut with your clothe-less children. You just want to feel wanted.”

Tears stung behind Elain’s eyes.

“You need it, you depend on the idea that you are beautiful and romantic and the girl that everyone wants. How better to prove that everyone wants you than by having the most perfect, fairy-tale romance? You need to get your head out of the clouds Elain and get back to Earth. There’s nothing about men wanting you that is good. It is a cursed desire and will only lead to your own destruction. They use you, all of them. You will never be enough for them, because nothing is – not even the most perfect, beautiful girl in all the lands. Not even you.”

They were spilling down her cheek now.

“I do not wish to be cruel to you, Elain.” The woman moved back, her typical mask coming back into place, the emotion receding deep into the abyss of her heart. “You have a heart of a gold, it’s a shame that it’s worth nothing in this world.”

Elain felt something within her crumble – the final echo of hope she had had for her mother. While this disintegrated within her, Elain felt herself only cling tighter to her beliefs.

“You’re wrong, mum,” Elain sighed.

Someone to love her wholly, completely, incandescently. Someone who would never hurt her, who would take care of her, who would truly love her and her liability of a heart.

“You have to be.”

***

The memory faded from view and the world came back into focus around her. As her eyes met the russet of Lucien’s she was thrust back into her body and everything that came with it – the bags, the trip, Spring – it all came to the forefront of her mind.

By the way Lucien’s eyes widened slightly as she came back, Elain realised that she had sent the entire vision down the bond. She wasn’t sure how, but she could feel the bond glowing between them, fizzing like a frayed wire, and when Elain brushed against it images of the family’s Study Room and echoes of her mother’s voice flooded her mind.

Lucien had seen it, perhaps the most vulnerable moment Elain had ever had with her mother before she had passed a year later. Elain had only been a child.

Nothing was said as the two seemed to stare at each other for several moments, dumbfounded over what had just happened. They had just shared a vision. Elain had stumbled as her mind pulled back and had grabbed onto the best thing to anchor into this world – it is only now that she realises that she had grabbed onto the bond and as such, connected her and Lucien’s mind.

“I…” She began, a bit breathless, “Do you think I could do that again?” She surprised herself by asking. Lucien considered her question. “I mean…if I could show you the vision I had of Koschei…”

Lucien began to nod, “It’s worth a try but,” his arm came back around her shoulders and Elain realised that she had been swaying on her feet, “Later. Much later. For today let’s just focus on getting to Spring in one piece.”

Elain nodded numbly, feeling a familiar ache of tiredness drag on her muscles. As such she allowed herself to lean further into Lucien’s warmth and strength as the familiar, fleeting sensation of winnowing took over her senses.

Elain knew the instant they were in Spring. The air around her seemed to sparkle into life as she was once more standing on ground sown with the magic of Prythian. The sun seemed brighter here, the sky bluer, the air cleaner. Bird song ran rife, a cacophony of chirping melodies that arose from all around her.

And once she was past the overall sensation of being back in the Fae Realm, Elain was able to take in the Manor they were standing on the steps of.

Spring Manor. The home in which her sister had been stolen to, the home in which her sister had been abused.

And yet, it was Lucien’s home too for a time, and Elain’s thoughts shifted from her sister to her mate as she began to wonder what he saw in these lands that had made him stay for so long.

Shivering slightly, Elain took in the endless ivy growing across the ancient stone. She also took in the large claw marks entrenched in the wooden door – a perfect symbol of this falling court.

“It’s nice isn’t it,” Lucien sighed next to her, seeming to tilt his head back and absorb the sunlight. “To taste the magic again.”

Elain took a deep breath and allowed some of the tension to ease from her shoulders.

“Mhm,” she breathed, “I’d never had guessed I could miss it so much.”

Next to her Lucien opened his mouth, his eye glinting with what was no doubt a snarky retort. But at that moment a figure had appeared behind them both at the base of the stairs, causing the pair to turn around in a haste, Lucien angling himself so that Elain was somewhat behind him, protected from view.

The figure was dressed in simple, ragged clothes. A cream linen shirt that had several holes, and which the drawstrings were not even laced properly. Brown trousers, three-quarter length. Bare-foot. Uncombed hair. Curious, pained eyes – a savage.

“Tamlin,” Lucien muttered in a guarded voice. A savage, and a king.

This was the first look Elain had ever truly had of Tamlin; besides the few glimpses, she had seen during the time of the war. Before her stood a man whom Elain could’ve easily found to be handsome. There was something about his pretty, long blonde hair and perfect green eyes that promised an easy, handsome life.

Of course, his image was somewhat tainted by the obvious signs of neglect to not just himself but his residence, the gardens behind him full of overgrown bushes and dying flowerbeds.

The High Lord looked at Lucien enigmatically before his eyes slowly slid to Elain, semi-concealed behind him. Something flared in those emerald eyes at the sight of her, and Elain realised that she and Feyre were not too unlike in appearance.

Those green eyes stayed locked on her, and Elain refused to look away, though this did not stop her from shifting uncomfortably under his assaulting gaze. Lucien seemed to be hyperaware of Tamlin’s prolonged staring and shifted so that he was at his full height, his arm snaking around Elain’s waist as he pulled her closer to him.

It could have been a sign of possessiveness. Or it quite easily could’ve been Lucien wanting Elain in a certain position should he need to jump into action.

Tamlin’s eyes flickered to Lucien, considering him once more before they returned back to Elain. Looking at Elain as though he could see right through her down to her soul, a corner of the High Lord’s mouth tugged up.

“Welcome, Archeron.”

[fandomtrxsh19]

So, when I read ACOSF, I made kind of play by play notes as a listened to it( I read the audiobook) so.........here’s the chaos

HEAVY SPOILERS FOR ACOSF!!

CASSIAN SAID FUCK

WHOA there’s a LOT of swearing in this

“It’s SEVEN in the morning gods damn it” -nesta archeron

OVERSIZED SHIRTS FOR THE WIN

Feyre and Rhys have 5 houses? Not surprised...

full, inviting breasts......BIG BOOBS OMG CASSIAN YOU HORNY SON OF A BITCH

7 siphons to keep his magic under control? Dayum

So, she rode this unnamed male like a fucking roller coaster?

Depression sex? Depression sex

“Her father was ashes in the wind” DAMN THATS EDGY

“A moment of release among the darkness inside her” NESTA BBY THIS ISNT HEATHY

“She avoided both of them” not surprised

OOOOH RHYS HATES HER TEA IS BEING SPILT

So, depression sex and depression alcohol? Yup

*checks chapter count* 80 CHAPTERS??!?! Oh shit this is gonna be a triiiip

OOOOOOOOO RHYS AND NESTA BEEF

Feyre trying to apologize to nesta........she’s trying

“You’re done, Nesta” The fuuuuuck.....

So, nesta’s moving and training with cassian...........Feyre, this isn’t a good idea omg

Feyre holy shit what the fuck are you doing, you TOTAL HELICOPTER SISTER?

“I never want to speak to you again!” damn

ELAIN TRAUMA!!! Yay???

MOR FOCUSED CHAPTER!!!?

she has brown eyes? Ok

FUCK SHES WEARING A BLUE DRESS FUCK

nesta knows about mor NESTA KNOWS ABOUT MOR!!!

“I am worthless and I am nothing. I hate what I am.” DAYUM I’ve been in that exact mindset numerous times. I can relate, Nesta

Briallen? Who the fuck is that?

Scars being trapped in magic? Good fuck that’s dark

“Ooh a dark skin character? Lit

OH SHIT SHE CANT FLY HER WINGS ARE CLIPPED

Is her name Emery?

“I am the monster your fear” BBY OMG GET THERAPY

Gwyn? Seems a bit aloof

“Two gentle conversations” GOOD JOB

Fairy lights omg lol

Nesta reading smutty books.....I’m imagining this omg

THE HOUSE IS ALIVE? Sweet

OMG ELAIN SHIT!!!! BBY

“All she wanted to do was touch him” OOOOOHHHHH NESSIAN

“All I need is a hot meal and a good book.” Mood

Nesta’s worried about Mor??? REEEEEEE

“Nesta needed Feyre more than she realized.“ OOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOO FAE BARGANS

They’re bound by magic on the body?? Ooh

IT’S TRAINING TIME BITCHES

“I don’t hate you too,Cassian” OMGGGGGG REEEEE

Nesta SMILED

THEY MENTIONED VALKYRIES!!!!!

“You might be my only friend.” HMMMMMMM

*hears how cassian was born * OMG HOLY SHIT CASSIAN

*hears cassians backstory* DAMN THESE CHARACTERS NEED THERAPY

OOP SLIGHT DEPRESSION SEX

OOP CLOTHING REMOVAL

“I’ve loved you since the first moment I held you in my arms.” HMMMMMMMM

I’m loving this Nessian sparring training.

ELAIN! SHES IN THE STORY KIND OF

Elain has small boobs........same

“I thought I would drop by to see how you were doing.” AWWWWWWWWW

Yayy.....awkward sister talks........

“She was the monster.” Nesta.............I can relate.

Nesta’s angry at Elain.............

Elain’s trying to reach out and Nesta’s denying it.

MY HEART

AGAIN...THE👏RA👏PY👏

“No more seeing her sisters without her permisson.” That’s smart.

Soooooooooo......Rhys is now a German Shepard.........?

OMG CASSIAN KILLED EVERYONE THAT HELPED KILL HIS MOM........good for him

“Use that training and make me.” OOOOOOOMGGGGGG

Rhys is overprotective of Feyre and shields her......daaaaaaaaaaaaamn

“What exactly happened in the cauldron?” FEYRE BAD IDEA BAD IDEA BAD IDEA

Again, Nesta, ✨THERAPY✨

Put a stop to what, D-does the IC know of the ✨depression smut?✨

“There was touching, but with her permission” WE 👏STAN 👏A KING👏

THAT ASKS👏FOR👏CON👏SENT👏

“Who do you think I am?” “A drunk fool who’s wasting my time?” OOOOOOOHHHHH SHOOTS FIRED!!!

Emery and Nesta to Emery’s cousin: GO HOME YOUR DRUNK ASSHOLE

*hears Nesta’s grand✨mama✨* me: grandmama, it’s me....ANASTASIA

Bruh...NESTA BIT CASS’S EAR

ugh the tool

“Baby making” hehe lol

“Nesta like gwyn”...............could she also be biiiiiiiii??????????!!!!!! YAY FIRST FRIEND IM PROUD OF YOUUUUU

NESTA SMILES AGAIN YAY!!

Alright, Meryl is BITCH

GWYN’S A QUARTER NYMPH?? Cool

“She’s failed everything.” BBY

HER POWERS? HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT SILVER FLAMES

ICY FIRE??? FUUUUUUUUUCK

Nesta must’ve been petrified being surrounded by fire

It’s a dream? THE FUCK

WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT SHE WAS DREAMING????

Cassian saw HER TRAUMA?????? FUUUUUUCK

HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HER POWER IS DEAAAAATHH FUUUUUUCK

THE BABY HAS WIIIIINGS!!!!!!

Why is Rhys angry about the wing thing?

Ohhhhhhhhhh shiiiiiiiiiit the tool

*hearing the possibilities of half Illyrian baby* OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH FUUUUUCK OMG

“I loved it when you fucked my mouth cassian?” GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH NEEESTAAAAA THIS ISNT HEALTHY

“What could go wrong?” DONT JINX IT

fairy monsters? OHOHOHOOOO

NONONONOOOOOO NOT AN ASH ARROW

BLACK EYES???? Fuck fuck are they in the cauldron?

OMG THE KELPIE IS DOING SHIT TO NESTA!!! Are they on the cauldron?

the MAAAAAAASK

ohOOOOOOOMGOMGOMGOMG SHE SUMMONED THE FUCKING DEAD REEEEEEEEEEE

Omg NESTAS POWERS ARE SO FUCKING COOL

She LITERALLY HAS AN UNDEAD ARMYYYYY

death HERself........badass

“Because you and cassian has been giving each other sultry looks all morning” SHE KNOWS

“For the first time in her life, she finally felt good in her own skin.” GROWTH

Omg Nesta created a swooooord!!!!! Cool

ITS INFUSED WITH MAGIC??? HELL YEAH

“I can’t lie to her!” SIIIIIIIMP

“I’d be careful when fucking her.” Oh amren

FUUUUUUCK FUCK BOOOOOOOOO TAMLIN

“You will not touch us.” YES TELL HIM

“I can’t believe Feyre ever loved tamlin.” ME TOO

“Elain saw everything Nesta did.” Daaaaaaaaamn

OOOOOOOO NESTAS PIIIIIIIISSED

OOOOOOOOOOO SECRETS FEYRE’S PIIIIIIISED

Nesta messed up and I think she realizes that

Rhys is pissed now and wants to kill Nesta....SHIIIIIIIT

Nesta: heads for a tavern me: NONONONONO GODS DAMN IT YOU’VE COME SO FAR

“I will fight for him. For us. Until I can’t anymore.” FEYRE IS GONNA BE A GREAT MOM

“Wishing to disappear into nothing.” I’ve been there.

“Cassian knew Nesta hated herself, but didn’t know how sometimes she wanted to unexist.” I RELATE TO THAT SHIT

“She had been born wrong.” AWWWWW BBY SHIIIIIT

“Was she worth being counted?” I CAN RELATE

*hearing Nesta blaming herself for her fathers death and for the horrible things she’s done, saying she can’t fix it* SHIT IM CRYING (I’m not joking)

“ I deserve nothing.” I CAN RELATE BITCH IM ACTUALLY CRYING

*hears Cassian calmly reassuring and comforting her* AWWWWW I NEED THIS QUOTE

CASSIAN CARES SO MUCH FOR HER I LOVE THIS

(I really needed that cassian talk. I literally wrote most of the quote down just in case. Thank you SJM)

EMERY CAN SENSE THE SEX HOLY SHIT

“After he’d fucked her with her fingers...” O NONONONOOO

*skips to chapter 52*

Lanthis??? Who the fuck is that?

“Gwyn and Emery are my friends” SHES GROWN SO MUCH!!!

26 dimensions? OH THIS IS SOME DOCTOR STRANGE SHIT

IT CANT BE KILLED

cassian and Nesta really went *yeet* .......... I’m sorry

THE SWORDS NAME IS ADORAXIA!!!!!!!!!!!sounds like a dnd character IDEAS

OHOHOHOOOOO BLACK THRONE AND A CROWN DEATH QUEEN NESTA WITH HER HAIR DOOOOOOWN

Rhys vs Cassian standoff *western duel music starts*

NESTA APOLOGIZED FOR EARLIER IM SO PROUD

Did Elain have a vision? DID SHE???

“I want you to seduce him.” NESTA THE HIDDEN BARD ROLL FOR PERSUASION

Mor teaching Nesta the waltz? NESTA AND MOR CAN NOT HATE EACH OTHER

Are they back at their childhood home? Because oooooooooooof ✨ childhood trauma✨

MOR AND NESTA HAVING A CONVERSATION YAY!!!!! (This’ll make rping them so maybe easier)

“We’re in a book!” Holy shit they know. HIDE THE FANFICTION

The relationship between Nesta, Emery, and Gwyn is so wholesome

“Oh FUCK you” .... NESTA

“I was just checking on dessert” MOOD

MOR AND NESTA ARE HAVING A FRIENDLY CONVERSATION

I sense tension between amren and Nesta

ERIS WANTS NESTA????

“I’m not with you.” Lier

A SNOWBALL FIGHT WITH THE BATBOIS??? Holy shit they do have one(1) brain cell

A sleepover with Emery, Nesta, and Gwyn? SIGN ME UP

“Do it for the miniature Pegasus!” INSIDE JOKES

OOOOHHH i see the gwynriel ship

Wait....HER POWERS MADE THE HOUSE BE ALIVE??? Sweet

Alright 2 months til FEYSAND baby

The mating bond between cassian and Nesta?????.............

“Say it, SAY IT” GODS DAMN IT NESTA SAY THE FUCKING THING

So, Nesta’s afraid she’s gonna loose her humanity?

EMERIE NESTA AND GWYN ARE IN THE BLOODRITE? Fuuuuuuuuuck

OH NO EMERIE!!!!!!

“High Fae bitch” PUT THAT ON A SHIRT

OMG OMG OMG HELL YES VALKRIES

oh Cassian you restless bastard you

*hears Emerie’s backstory and their heart to heart* AWWWWWW I LOVE THEM

“The morrigan.” The fuck Eris?

“She’d hit the archway of stone” OOOOOOOOOOF

“For being my friends when I didn’t deserve it.” AWWWWWWWWWW

What about Feyre’s pregnancy???? Hewwo?

“Lord of bastards” heh true that’s cassian alright

Wait, OTHER set of wings

CASSIAN!!!!!!!!!!

“Now, I’m going to slit your little throat.” FUUUUUUUUCK NONONONOOOOO THIS ISNT CASS FUUUUCK

What’s the trove?

NONONONONOOOO WHYD HE GET STABBED SHIT HE GOT STABBED

Nesta’s pissed.....MAGIC TIME

wait wait wait wait wait HES NOT STABBED HELL YEAH!!!!

“You are my mate, Cassian.” ITS ABOUT FUCKING TIME

Nessian: kissing when the world is in ruin

“She started bleeding hours ago. “ BABY TIME???

*hears the blood and feyre’s appearance*!FUUUUUUUUUCK

So, no C section? OOOOOOH SHIT THEYRE DOING IT

IM SCARED IM SCARED IM SCARED

“Silent babe?” Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit

Nesta Nesta Nesta What the fuck are you doing???????? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

SHE HAS ALL 3! ONONONOOOOOFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOOOOSHE PLUCKED IT FUCK

SHE STOPPED TIME?????????

WHOS the female voice?

“ I love you, Feyre” SHE DID IT IM SO PROUD!!!!!

What is she doing what is she doing what is she doiiiiingggg?

GIVE WHAT BACK?????

WHAAAAAT? A BARGAIN WITH THE FUCKING CAULDRON???

feyres alive? FEYRE’S ALIVE!!!!!!!

NESTA THE MVP!!!!

*the sister hug* AWWWWWWWWWWW

AWWWWWW I LOVE THE NAME NYX!!!!

How much did the Cauldron take from Nesta, tho?

FEYSAND IS BEST PARENTS

Alright, I want to see LOADS OF WHOLESOME FANFICS AND FANART ABOUT DOMESTIC IC AND ELAIN AND NESTA GOT IT?

[belle-keys]

Incoherent thoughts about A Court of Silver Flames (2021) by SJM

Do not expect this to be a critical, unbiased review at all. Eet just ease what eet ease. Spoilers ahead laddies. 

*unwanted preface* 

Okay, so like, you know those things that are neither objectively perfect nor unproblematic yet you love them and are attached to them anyway? Yeah, this is me with SJM’s writing. See, I been with Sarah and Throne of Glass since March of 2015 and with ACOTAR since the summer of 2015 when I was 13 and honestly, ACOTAR in particular occupied a decent portion of my formative teen years. Eventually, when I was about 16 I sort of ended up getting distracted from YA books and went into my thot and kpop era. A main reason for this is that I found ACOFAS particularly disenchanting. This ain’t about that book (sigh) but let’s just say as much as I was still attached to and in love with the ACOTAR world, I was still able to get very annoyed by the decreased quality of the writing and also the evident projecting Sarah was doing onto Feyre with regards to her own life and experiences (ahem). No, the lack of developed POC in the book had nothing to do with it ironically. 

So basically, since the spring of 2018 I haven’t read any SJM yet I never fell out of love with the books either. I’ve sworn off TOG after whatever the hell EOS was, but ACOTAR was always more special and close to my heart by tenfold, honestly. See, the best day of my 2016 was the day I found out ACOTAR was getting the extra 3 novels and 2 novellas. ACOFAS was a dumpster fire but I was actually surprised to really, really enjoy A Court of Silver Flames while it obviously has a couple (multiple) sus facets to it. The susness aside, I thoroughly felt at home reading Nesta’s book despite how irrational that might sound. No, I’m not here to say the book was objectively good but I’m here to say I still enjoyed it despite my love-hate relationship with SJM and her writing. :( :( :( 

That being said imma still roast tf out of a couple aspects of it. :)

*the susness*

Aight wbk that SJM like, projects a lot onto feyrhys right. I’m not even gonna deny it. Like as horrible as it sounds, when feyrhys were, like, struggling as a couple and shit in ACOMAF, that’s when I loved them the most but then the shitstorm that was ACOWAR hit and they couldn’t go without boning every two seconds or calling each other mates and shit and basically every character in the book started kissing their asses (except Nesta) to the point where they were infallibly good and powerful and everyone’s heads were lodged up their asses... I got PISSED OFF then, right.

Now, in ACOSF (is that correct?), they were side characters and, gratefully, that romance between them was toned down. But here are some things concerning feyrhys and the Court of Dreams that irked tf out of me, and the implications that they had for Nesta (who is perhaps one of the baddest bitches ever) had me feeling homicidal towards the IC:

Every single time Nesta said shit about Rhys and then Cassian got mad I wanted to SCREAM like yooo let her roast tf out of him like yeah I get Rhys lowkey did a lot for her both directly and indirectly but cmoooooon not everyone needs to be riding his dick like the man HATED Nesta from the get-go. I loved the idea that someone in the book lowkey abhors Rhys just for the TEA it gave me. Like yeah, okay Cassian, I get that he’s your bro but he can SUCK NESTA’S DICK also like my girl is a DEATH GOD.

Here me out: the Inner Circle completely dehumanized Nesta, they completely disregarded her personal autonomy and caged her in which is ironically the very behavior that was villainized when Tamlin did it to Feyre. First of all they restricted her movement, they made decisions FOR her, they withheld from her knowledge about her own powers, they decided what’s best for her and acted like she was a rabid dog the entire time. Only Cassian and Azriel seem more blameless in this regard, but the level of scorn and abohorence and moralizing Feyre, Elain, Rhys, Amren and Mor did towards Nes made my blood boil. At the end of the day, the Inner Circle did the VERY THING they hated being done to Feyre. Whatever happened to the freedom they professed? The autonomy they decided all members of their court deserved? That was all bullshit, or was this switch-up SJM’s way of creating justifiable conflict between Nesta and the Inner Circle... either way, there was no closure about this and the way they dictated Nesta’s behavior whilst completely mistreating her imo.

More on Nesta’s treatment - okay listen the way the narrative had every character acting like Nesta was fricking scum and for WHAT??? Okay, she didn’t hunt when Feyre and they were poor, she was bitchy, she hates the Fae... okay, why is Nesta still being punished for her mistakes like this by the Court? Does their forgiveness only apply to those in their clique? They’re acting like her drinking and sleeping around and her general bitchy behavior is sooooo toxic when they ALL coped with their respective trauma in questionable ways in their centuries of living. And the narrative never condemned them for this behavior either... like cmon they had an “intervention” about Nesta like if she needed to reach a certain moral standing to be lovable or something. Seems to me that only Cassian was willing to love her, bruises and all... “There’s nothing broken to be fixed. You are helping yourself. Healing the parts of you that hurt too much - and perhaps hurt others too”. But as beautiful as that it, it seems the IC see Nesta’s healing as her “redemption arc” when I never saw her as a villain or monster to begin with. They acted like she had to become deserving of their acceptance. Bullshit.

No cus more on this... Cassian is the only person who defended Nesta, the only person that wanted to help her heal and grow when everyone else wanted to fix her. He was the only person who was kind to her from the original trilogy (i.e. not counting Emerie and Gwyn). He stood up for her and I’ll gush about them in the next section, but the dynamic between Nesta and the IC was the least enjoyable aspect of the book for me. It was clear SJM wanted to spur Nesta towards the path to healing yet only figured out how to do so whilst only keeping feyrhys as the nucleus of this arc, and so she had them force Nesta into her “special journey” (because she loves them so much, cus they’re sooooo perfect right *rolls eye*), yet, the narrative didn’t quite condemn them for their toxicity towards Nesta at ALL, even towards the end. The good thing is that Nesta did not become an ass-kisser throughout the story and laud them for “helping her” every waking second. Only Cassian didn’t shun her for her inner negativity but embraced her. And Az was pretty cool too, can’t hate him.

Ahem, the ending: okay, I’m not even capping, but I hated that Nesta lost her power for feyrhys. I get that she genuinely did it out of love and shit and I’m not even gonna lie, the thought of feyrhys dying had me on the verge of tears cus as much as I hate them, I also love those bitches. Yet, the culmination of Nesta’s power was, what?, to save feyrhys. This way, the narrative put Feyre at the center of Nesta’s narrative towards the end. And Nesta lost that Death God power that she basically EARNED in that Cauldron. This is the biggest flaw of the story. She fought against her own power to give it up... for Feyre. Like??? What??? Why was that baby arc even necessary????? Why was Nesta giving up her power necessary to fulfil her healing arc which was the POINT of the book??? Like what?????? It left a sour taste in my mouth. No- an abhorrent acidic bitter taste in my mouth. 

Elain. I CANNOT STAND THIS GIRL. She completely abandoned Nesta and for WHAT??? For Feyre??? This only served to reiterate from the narrative’s POV that Nesta was scum and again, idk WHY. And also, why tf does this girl mistreat Lucien like this??? LUCIEN AKA MY FAVORITE CHARACTER???

I just don’t get how the narrative reiterated that Tamlin is the worst of the worst when you got Rhys hiding shit from Feyre, hiding knowledge of Nesta’s power from Nesta, all of that. Like, was the entire point of ACOMAF not for Feyre to embrace her power and become her best self? Rhys never for one second tolerated withholding Feyre’s power from her. So why tf does this apply to Nesta? Cus she’s unhealthy? Okay... so what??? Why villainize her like this and imply she’s undeserving of her power and a waste of life??? I’M LAUGHING SO HARD RN LIKE WHERE DID THIS EVEN COME FROM??? What did my girl do that was sooooo bad that yall needed to treat her like this. Tell me why feyre and amren and varian and rhys all acted like Tamlin in this book. Cardi voice WHAT WAS THE REASON. I AM SO MAD ABOUT THIS CUS THEY ACTED LIKE THE FRICKING MORALISING SYCHOPHANTS THEY CLAIM TO HATE.

Like bitch??? They’re like those youth pastors that reiterate how broken and messed up people with mental illness are? Acted like Nesta screwing guys was the worst thing ever when they should have embraced her? Like I get she would push them away but really??? “Waste of life”??? 

So we gon gloss over how Amren was insisting Nesta shut up about the baby business to Feyre (aka hiding shit from her)? How she was implying that Rhys should conquer all of Prythian? Hear me out, even as someone from a Caribbean country that was colonized by the whites, it actually doesn’t bother me when the theme of conquest comes up, like, this is a fantasy novel and colonization does not exist within the same context for me. That being said, like, it felt as if the narrative telling me lil Rhysie is just sooooo perfect that he needs to be High King. Like, I respect the fact that Rhys has no wish to do so. Homeboy never seemed to care for conquest beyond ensuring his Court’s prowess and safety so WHAT WAS THE REASON AMREN??? Like? What kinda crack was Amren on this entire book???

The worldbuilding... listen, the politics and history felt all over the place, felt incoherent and flat honestly. Didn’t bother me as much as it did in ACOWAR but it was just *meh*, not good. Not horrible, but not great. I preferred the world when it was directly the result of Beauty and the Beat and East of the Sun, West of the Moon.

The Fae have lost their *magic*: no cus what I loved about the first book was that the Fae were one with the Courts and felt very fleshed out in terms of their powers and shit, but now only Eric and Lucien and Tamlin and sometimes Rhys have that same magic for me. Like... the sensuality of the Fae in terms of their actual Celtic roots, that which felt whimsical and immersive in the first book, feels lost to me. I can’t explain it but I feel less nuance and orthodoxy in their portrayal. However, I DID love this one line featuring none other than the loml : “Amid the pink and white blossoms, the cold-faced Autumn Court heir looked truly faerie - as if he’d stepped out of the tree, and his one and only master was the earth itself”. LIKE I SALIVATED THAT IS MY MAN.

*good stuffs*

Okay let’s talk about the smut like I didn’t like the word choice as usual like quit with the euphemisms and say cock and goooooo. That being said like, okay, I like how she set up the physical dynamic between Nesta and Cassian cus the sex wasn’t some big romantic climactic build-up like how it was in acomaf like they were being NASTY from the get-go and I respect that drip. Like she did not cap on how porny the smut was and thank God it wasn’t some cliche romantic honeymoon type shit, like it was almost on the ao3 level of smutty goodness. All it was was missing was coarse language and hard kinks but in general, I liked the Nessian smut in this book more than the feyrhys smut in particularly ACOWAR and ACOFAS, like Nessian just do not cap.

Listen... you see that whole part when Nesta was like imagining how awesome it would be to dance Lucifer’s Bachata with Az and Cassian? Yeah, my girl just let her thoughts run wild. Like Nesta makes Feyre look naïve. Like you know how Tumblr porn in 2016 used to be with the aesthetic type shit? That’s Feyre, but Nesta is like on Pornhub level and it’s so fitting I was YELLIN lowkey. I feel like less importance was placed on how meaningful the sex and shit should be in the book and I respect that.

YOU SEE WHEN NESTA TOLD FEYRE ABOUT THE BABY!!! I WAS CHEERING HER ON. No cause they were being so nasty to Nesta especially Amren and then Feyre entered with all of her moralising shit like honey you KNOW damn well what you’re doing to Nesta is what you hate being done to you. Like damn right tell her, cus I could not STAND the double standard.

The whole training the women thing was a nice touch. It was kinda corny but also sweet. That being said, I laughed so hard when I realized how this entire book was Nesta’s quarter-life hippie rebirth where she learns to meditate and work out and read romance books and face her inner demons like this is some real New York college shit. All that was missing was a Starbucks.

Cassian. Man I love this man so much. No like he displayed peak dilf behavior. I think his attractiveness isn’t based on his bravery or his hotness but his humility man. Like he’s not a thot, he’s respectful, yet tough, yet contemplative. He’s contented with his life station yet wants to always be a better person yet is such a strong rock who really loves Nesta not despite her flaws but because they are part of her. I love the way he stood up to Rhys a lot, he didn’t shame her when she was awful to him, and he is protective (annoyingly so sometimes) but he really wanted her to empower herself. Their relationship isn’t perfect (I’m not in the mood to dissect the problematic aspects rn) but they were so sweet together and I didn’t expect to like them as much as I did back when they were lowkey a thing in ACOMAF.

The mates thing didn’t bother me cus I saw this shit coming since 2016. Yes, it’s cliche and annoying but the mates status also, like, has no meaning to me so it is what it is. Didn’t think they NEEDED to be mates but I was happy that them being mates wasn’t the core of the novel and it was secondary to Nesta’s individual healing journey.

Prepare for me to get sappy but another reason why I loved this novel was because it was a story of healing. :( :( :( The road to healing and growth in the emotional sense is always beautiful to me despite how flawed it often is when SJM writes it. I just felt really immersed in the emotional woes and eventual growth of Nesta despite my issues with the book and this is perhaps one of the main reasons that I found it beautiful, because healing as a theme is always beautiful and raw.

More of Nessian but like their relationship feels so real and raw too. No, cus like, it wasn’t tinged in as much fictitious idealism as feyrhys’ relationship was. They weren’t all stupidly in love and seeing each other in the universe and shit, like they just made each other happy and weren’t portrayed as the perfect soulmates who were each other’s yin and yang and whatever thank the LORD. Them having each other’s back was enough and ughhhh Cassian was just so sweet and such a good trainer and so aloof yet passionate like I been waiting to see more of him since ACOMAF so yayyy.

Okay... that scene where Rhys kneels to Nesta and she embraces him. yes. YES YES YES YES YES that shit was the shit that made my year like I want this man to be in her debt for the end of time like this hoe saved yall like big strong high lord better bow to the “witch” like I could hear angelic choirs at that scene like Rhys doesn’t just yield to people so easily so like, it was just kinda epic okay. Little bitchass Rhys with his perfect little river house and emo boi clothes stfu hoe.

No cus I love how Nesta told Cassian she didn’t wanna hear about Feyre’s special journey or Rhys’s special journey or Mor’s like I got fed up of people acting like they epitomized “good” and the “good path” to self-discovery when they can choke on a baguette as far as I am concerned.

*shit no one except me probs cares about*

Eris. So here is the thing. Since 2015 in ACOTAR when Eris was Under the Mountain being all red-headed and cunning and sexy and evil I have been obsessed with him... well, the idea of him I had in my head and how delectably abhorrent he seems (I like villains and side-characters okay). Maybe it was just his name (Eris is a hot name shut up) or the idea of a rich, cunning fox-faced prince in the same universe appealed to me. Either way, I actually never expected by favorite cameo-character to become... important. I’ll die on the hill of loving him. Here is the thing... I don’t want him to be good, in the same way I did not want Rhys to be a good guy in ACOTAR either. I don’t need him to be a secret angel, I don’t need him to be sweet and good like Rhys always was apparently. Honestly, I want him corrupt but likeable and pertinent to the story. That being said, I really want him as the main character for one of the upcoming novels sooo bad like please PLEASE let me see the autumn court and it’s two-facedness please like if not Eris then Lucien as the main character please.

Lucien... aka my fave character since the first book man. Mannn, SJM does homeboy so dirty like I have always loved Russian fables and hence, I am so ready for Lucien x Vassa x Jurian in the Vasilisa retelling with the firebird trope and Koshei. NO CUS in 2018 I was finna write a 100k word fic about this but then I forgot about it no cap, I still have the story plan in my Onenote actually but let us not reminisce. See, my ao3-loving ass wants an angsty poly relationship and also a hot Koshei I have been waiting YEARS for this you hoes, ever since Elain got the premonition of Vassa as a firebird in ACOWAR like God please please please give it to me and make it feyrhys-less as well yasss.

I lowkey wanna suspect Eris is gay and Mor, also gay, knows and that’s why she lowkey kinda tolerates him now. Yet, I cannot be sure and yeah I just wanna say that I kinda want that arc lmfaooo (my ao3-self is showing shut up).

No cus I was TEASED by only seeing a glimpse of Vassa and Jurian but THEY SHALL HAVE THEIR TIME I KNOW IT.

Tamlin living as a beast is so interesting to me. He’s a side-character now but ughhhh he was so mystical and interesting as our good ole Beauty and the Beast beastie like it’s sooooo mysterious and alluring how he’s becoming his own villainous legend like I still care about Tamlin’s blond ass self despite everything. 

Give us the snowball fight scene you coward.

I just gotta say Nessian could outsmut Feyrhys any day and that makes me proud.

FRICKING AZRIEL like first of all Mor doesn’t NEED to come out until she’s ready but she gotta let the man down nicely some other way so he can move on. I do not like Elain. Never did. I still do not. I do not, frankly, want a whole novel where she and Azriel fall in love and she rejects Lucien like... okay, I DO want her to reject Lucien so he can be with Vassa at the very least but also I am not interested in Elain’s POV rn. BUT I WANT AZ’S POV AND LIKE WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO I WANT MY EMO BOI TO BE HAPPY. This is so frustrating cus Az is a walking DILF right and so, what am I supposed to do now.

I kinda miss the Spring Court just a little. It’s pretty shut up. It got that Zuhair Murad fashion too. 

Umm like, what the hell is up with that business with Helion being Lucien’s dad? We need more on this which is why I want a Lucien POV book goddammit.

Yoooooooo yall remember that bitch from ACOWAR who hybern was finna kill and she had a name and everything and then there was some foreshadowing and shit? What’s up with her? Like I can’t even remember her name lowkey but yeah what’s up with that. Was it something like Briar or Briannon or somthing???

Is Mor getting a book? Like deadass I need the Lucien and Vassa book, I need the Eris book, I need the Mor book and I need the Azriel book. Damn. Been waiting 6 years for some of this shit.

Okay that is all for now. Yes, this book has problematic elements at every level but I still loved it yet also hated some things about it. I won’t read House of Blood and Earth nor will I finish the TOG series but I guess I’ll stick with this series which remains near and dear to my soul despite what people gotta say about it. It made me happy and that’s what matters. Nesta is a huge ass inspiration to me as a character and I still wanna see her make the Inner Circle’s life a living hell uwu. I admittedly got HELLA emotional reading this story because it’s nonetheless super meaningful to me even at age 19 and it’s really powerful for me as a comfort book, and I look forward (a little) to what this woman put out next... sort of.

Signing off! Don’t @ me (okay you CAN @ me but idc).