#talking to: anastasia clarington

[ivystjamess]

IF IT WEREN'T FOR IVY'S CONSTANT NEED to both prove herself and receive praise from her parents, she likely wouldn't have auditioned for into the woods. it wasn't grease or mamma mia with the prize of sandy dumbrowski or sophie sheridan waiting for her to grab. it was just...into the woods. and sure, while she wasn't passionate about the show itself, she was passionate about the validation and attention scoring a good role might bring. ivy st.james had her eye set on the role she wanted and as always she was fully prepared to use every tool in her arsenal to snatch it up. ivy wanted to be cinderella just for the sake of being cinderella. she liked her songs and the pretty costume and for once, didn't really mind setting her sights on a role other than the primary female lead. while she could easily blow any role in the show out of the water, ivy had carefully crafted her audition materials for the directing panel to see her as cinderella. ivy st.james and cinderella would soon be synonymous in their eyes if she could help it. 

despite having just finalized her song on monday after receiving davis' input, ivy felt more than prepared come wednesday. auditioning was routine to her at this point, pull her hair out of her face, put on a nice outfit, prepare, prepare, prepare, and she'd be set. oftentimes it felt like ivy first learned to walk, then speak, then shortly after she learned how to audition. it was years upon years of lessons for this specific thing that left her knowing that if she were to engage in conversation, keep it short and sweet, to drink plenty of water, and not let a single thing get into her head. 

those were the basics. but ivy was both blessed and cursed with berry-st.james genes that always left her going a little bit overboard. at school wednesday, ivy refused to speak and claimed she was on vocal rest through a text to speech app she'd downloaded on her phone. she had told julien he could hitch a ride with her, but they had to keep their conversation minimum to none. even when ivy only kinda wanted something, she would do everything within her power to make sure she got it. playing danny had been alright, but at the end of the day, she wanted sandy. as long as she could help it, she wouldn't miss the mark on getting what she wanted again. 

while in the reception area of the lima players building, ivy sat patiently, sipped on her water bottle, and reviewed her materials in her head. she tried not to acknowledge those around her too heavily. this was community theatre. the pool was wider. while it brought fun talent like davis or some of the boys from dalton to the table, it also brought the clarington-smythe sisters. while her and emory were mostly friendly, they were still competitors. and when it came to darcy? ivy knew she couldn't take one look at the girl without getting completely thrown off. rarely did she have to face these pre-audition obstacles at mckinley, but even in a more expanded setting, ivy had to remain in her own little, focused world or suffer the consequences of a botched audition.

eventually, her name had been called and she was relieved to stand and enter the audition room. in her typical fashion, she handed a resume to each of the directors before surrendering her book to the accompanist and talking through her music. once all the formalities were out of the way, it was down to business. from the moment ivy entered the room, she was polite and smiled like her life depended on it, but the real magic would happen in a moment once she got her slate out of the way, "good afternoon, I'm ivy st.jarnes. today i will be performing journey to the past from anastasia composed by stephen flaherty and lynn ahrens." she let that information sit with the directors before announcing, "in addition to my song, i will be performing  rather be a man by joseph arnone, then as a dance sample, i will be performing one step closer from the little mermaid with the help of davis goolsby" with her audition materials out in the open, only one thing left to communicate. with a smile, ivy sweetly stated, "i would love to be considered for the role of cinderella, but i will gladly accept any role. thank you." then cast a glance towards the accompanist. moments later, her music began, and showtime. 

`heart don't fail me now, courage don't desert me, don't turn back now that we're here.' 

ivy vocalized effortlessly, sure to keep an unwavering optimism in both her tone and her expression. in ivy's eyes, journey to the past was the perfect song to audition with for cinderella. the song held a sense of adventure that was ideal for a show like into the woods which was all about a journey. she kept her blocking to a minimal and let her voice do the talking. sure, there was an occasional pace to the left or the right, a clasped hand over her chest here or there, and near constant longing, furrowed brows. she could act and dance her heart away in later portions of her audition.

'home, love, family, there was once a time when i must have had them too.' 

while she continued to hit each note with ease, ivy tried to step into cinderella's slippers. it certainly wasn't a character she could relate very deeply too. her home life was close to ideal and rarely did she turn down male attention, but just imagining herself in a beautiful gown and golden slippers was enough for the trained performer to put a believable desire in her tone. cinderella might have longed for her mother or to go to the festival or to run away with the baker, but what did ivy st.james long for? her mind wandered to the depths of her heart and her wants. she wanted julien to stand up for her more, she wanted to be taken seriously as a performer outside of her parents, she wanted the other members of new directions to appreciate her efforts, she wanted to be liked, and she wanted to maybe even be prom queen one day. sure, those wishes looked nothing like cinderella's but as she belted the emotional peak, her hearts desires might as well have looked the same as anastasia's or cinderella's. 

'yes this is a sign, let this road be mine, let it lead me to my past, and bring me home at last!' 

ivy concluded the song with a smile and tried not to look too breathless as she seamlessly transitioned into her monologue. sure, it was a little more aggressive, bitter even, and while that was the opposite of cinderella, ivy wanted to show off that she did have a range. and beside, there was some obvious reluctance from cinderella to her prince, she wanted to show her capability in that regard. her recitation of the monologue elicited a few laughs which was always a good sign and had ivy's heart singing as if she were sally field at the 1985 oscars. 

now that her monologue had successfully wrapped, it was time for davis to enter the room. ivy worried that maybe it was poor etiquette for the end of her audition to overlap with the beginning of his, but the directors seemed to be eating up their collaboration as the instrumental portion of one step closer from the little mermaid began.

it had been davis' idea to do this waltz-y number and ivy didn't mind. she'd do pretty much anything to put herself over the top of the rest of the competition. after conversing for a little, most of their private rehearsal in her basement consisted of choreographing the number and perfecting all of the little tricks so the pair looked elegant together rather than foolish. throughout the dance, ivy kept her eyes locked with davis' as she concentrated on hitting each precise and quick motion. into the woods definitely wasn't a dance heavy show, but as far as ivy (and davis) was concerned, it was better to cover all bases than leave a director wondering. 

come the end of the dance, she was a little winded, but flashed a winning smile at the judges all the same. she thanked them again as she went to grab her book from the accompanist. each director gave a standard thank you back and reminded her she'd hear from them sunday. while sunday couldn't come soon enough, she held her chin high and binder close to her chest as she exited the room. and as a show of good sportsmanship, ivy even issued a "break a leg" to davis on her way out. 

out of sight from the directing panel, ivy finally let out a breath. she'd done all she could. now it was just a waiting game.

END.

[writinglanie]

             We are never ever getting back together.                                    Carter Clarington & Anastasia Rose.

When Carter opened the door to his dorm room, Ana nearly wanted to turn and run. It had been months since she stood in front of him. Her heart ached in a strange way. While she didn’t miss their relationship, she missed the good times between them. The love that she had for him once. Oliver was moving to America, they were going on a date. She didn’t want anything with Carter to still be held over her. 

“Hi.” She muttered softly as she entered the small room. It felt uncomfortable to be in here after so many months. 

“What did you want to talk about?” He crossed his arms and leaned against the door, wanting to get straight to the point. This conversation wasn’t easy for him either. 

“I just     you were important to me. I needed you to understand that I didn’t want to hurt you. I guess I just needed a way out..” She let out a deep breath and sat on the edge of his bed. 

“So you cheated on me with that bitch of a best friend you have.” his voice was full of venom.

It took everything in her not to punch him square in the face just like Gus taught her. He could say all he wanted to about her, but the moment he walked about her girls was where she could no longer take it. 

“If you’d treated me better maybe I wouldn’t have made that very DRUNK mistake. Also, that’s the major reason we couldn’t be together. Those girls are my family.  I’d do anything to protect them. I couldn’t be with someone who wasn’t even trying to be with my best friend. You’ve got to understand that.” 

“Why the fuck are you even here Ana?” He moved closer to her. “It isn’t to rub in my face about how I couldn’t please you well enough and we both know it.” Carter grabbed her arm. “We were happy before she got involved.” 

She pulled her arm a way from his grip and felt tears build. “I loved you, Carter. I just needed you to fight for me. I needed you to prove to me that you could be the good guy. That despite how much you disliked her, that you should have tried to be civil with my friends. I needed you to show me that you wanted me.” 

Ana felt the tears fall from her eyes. This would never happen again. No man would ever make her feel as small as Cater always did. When she looked up into his eyes, she saw that broke through to him. There was compassion and understanding his eyes. 

“All I wanted was to be with you. For me to mean something to you.” He finally replied, his arms wrapping around her. 

“You did - I don’t think you realized how much I loved you. I just didn’t feel loved back most of the time. You’d get angry and cold. Distant.”  Ana should have pulled away but she didn’t. He always had a strange pull on her. 

“I never wanted to hurt you.”  He leaned down to kiss her, and Ana moved her head so he got her on the cheek. Cater scoffed. 

“Then you shouldn’t have left me.” She places her hand against his chest and forces out a smile. Putting space between them. “I’m happy again. I wasn’t in a good place with my disorder. But I’ve got it under control. I’m working on it. But you and I? this is goodbye. The proper goodbye we deserved.” 

Ana pulls herself out of his arms, and sets his jaw. They stand there for amoment before moving to sit on his bed. Hands running through his hair. “is there someone else? ”

“Yeah, my future.” 

With that Anastasia walked out and shut the door behind her. That part of her life was over. It didn’t matter what happened with her or Oliver. For now, she was healthy and felt safer and more like herself than she had in months. First and foremost, she was happy. For now that’s all that mattered. The rest would figure itself out.