#talk about his driving all you want but bringing weight into it is absolutely unacceptable

[getouswh0re]

pairing: kirishima eijirou x reader

genre: yandere, unhealthy relationships, gaslighting, peer pressure, blackmailing, mentions of school bullying, power play

synopsis: all you want is a peaceful languid life free of trouble, yet everything spirals downhill when a certain redhead wanders into your life out of nowhere. Worst of all, he isn’t planning to leave you for good.

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one

“What is it that you want to ask me, Kirishima?” The spiky redhead sucks in a deep breath, feeling the rhythmic thrumming of his heart rising to a crescendo as he shoots a nervous glance at a nearby bush where his squad is hiding. It is going to be alright, he reminds himself. You have practiced the confession with Sero and Kaminari over and over again, all that’s left is for you to say the exact words in front of y/n again!

“I ... I know we have only been friends for a short while y/n, but I really like you! And I was thinking if there would be a chance for the two of us to try things out. Please ... please be my girlfriend! I promise I’ll make you the happiest person on the entire planet!”

For a while, silence dominates the air, leaving you shell-shocked and an extremely flustered Kirishima who turns his head away, refusing to stare at you in the eye. He cognises that this confession must’ve given you quite a bit of shock, yet he is willing to wait for you to reciprocate his feelings no matter how long it takes. Squeezing his eyes shut as he clasps his palms together, the redhead feels like he is waiting for your reply — akin to an answer from the heavens. Not until you open your mouth and what seems like an iridescent future for him has reduced to dust.

“I’m sorry Kiri ... I like you too, but I don’t think of you romantically.”

It takes you forever to muster up the courage you need to politely reject the bubbly redhead; and in all honesty, you can already feel your conscience berating you for doing so. Admittedly, Kirishima is a wonderful guy — with a bright personality, amazing quirk that would guarantee him a promising future in the hero industry. You, on the other hand, have a somewhat decent quirk as well; yet despite everyone around gushing about how great it would be for you to become a hero, your resolve towards being one isn’t as strong as your fellow classmates in UA. And you don’t want your thoughts to affect the other students in striving towards their ultimate goal. 

Including Kirishima Eijirou.

“... why?” Pangs of guilt shoot through your heart when you hears the redhead choking back sobs. “Why can’t we give one another a chance to work things out? Am ... am I not good enough? Did I annoy you? Or do you hate my hair? I — I can dye it whatever colour you want! Just to make you happy ...” 

“It’s not like that Kiri.” You place a hand on his hunched shoulders, attempting to cheer up his dejected spirit. 

“You are not annoying, nor did your behaviour put me off. You are a really nice guy to be honest, and you deserve a lot more. I’m not like you or the others ... I just want to live a normal life, and I don’t want my mentality of not being a hero to affect the rest of you who work so hard to reach for the stars. Plus, I’m sure you’ll meet a lot more amazing people like you out there once you become a professional hero ... and perhaps, you’ll find someone more deserving of your kindness and love. I wish for your happiness Kiri ... may you have the best of things coming your way in life.” 

With that, you spill out apologies one after the other, leaving the heartbroken hero-in-training behind. 

two 

Never would you have imagined that the act of turning down Kirishima’s confession eventually bites back at you like karma. 

Soon after the incident happens, words about how you reject the redhead has spread its way around the school like wildfire. Within the span of a day, you’ve become the number one gossip of the campus; wherever you go, dozens of eyes would trail after you as if they are lurking predators and you being the prey.

Many shoot you harsh dirty looks, raising their voices every time you saunter through the corridor about what an ungrateful, insolent bitch you are to break poor Kirishima’s heart into shambles. 

Insults are thrown your way, slips of paper filled with harsh messages flood your locker; and once in a while, some students would purposely stand in your way, intentionally bumping their shoulders into yours and shoving you out of the way. Even your own classmates from class A whom you’ve gone through thick and thin with side with the disconsolate male, muttering about how all of this would’ve been avoidable if you’d simply said ‘yes’. 

School has become an absolute nightmare for you for the next couple of weeks; and to make matters worse, the school authority doesn’t do much to alleviate the situation, merely giving verbal warnings about how bullying on school grounds is unacceptable before moving on with settling their own matters. You’ve tried to ignore everything that happens in school, you really did. Yet with the weight of it all come crushing down upon your shoulders, you eventually find yourself teetering on the brink of suffering from a mental breakdown. 

For countless nights you would cry yourself to sleep, burying yourself beneath layers of blankets in order to forget about the pain. Still, it does nothing to alleviate your suffering and you wake up to find the dark circles under your eyes growing bigger with each passing day. The vicious cycle continues, with you trapped in the centre of it. Perhaps this is your punishment after all — your consequence for hurting a fellow classmate who is loved by everyone. 

And maybe it’s about time you fix your mistakes before it is too late. 

“Kiri ...” You bow deeply as an apology at the surprised redhead when you manage to drag him out of the classroom during break time under the prying eyes of everyone poking their heads out from the corridor, brushing aside the mean comments reverberating in the air. 

“I’ve been thinking about it ... and I realise I’m wrong. Maybe I was too quick to jump to conclusions, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to give things a try. I’m ... I’m sorry for hurting your feelings, and yes. Let’s give this relationship a try, shall we?” 

Oddly enough, the bullying vanishes into thin air once words are spread around the school that the two of you are dating. 

three

Being in a relationship with the boisterous redhead isn’t as bad as you had imagined, but you wish there is something you could do to get yourself out of this mess. Kirishima isn’t a terrible lover at all; he has been nothing but loving, kind and openly affectionate with you at all times. You would’ve regarded him as the perfect partner for life — if not the fact that he pries a bit too much about your personal space and social circle, making you utterly uncomfortable. 

You totally understand his intentions, albeit thinking that it would’ve been better if he knows not to cross certain boundaries. Regardless, every time you try to bring the subject up, Kirishima would invariably find a way to divert the topic of discussion. Still, you need to make sure he understands the message; and so comes a certain night, when you decide to sit down and settle matters with your boyfriend. 

“Eijirou, we ... we need to talk.” 

“What do you want to talk about babe?” 

“I ... I think I need a break — for this relationship I mean.” Hearing that, the redhead’s smile falters. 

“Why? I ... I thought everything was going perfectly! You’re happy, I’m happy. Isn’t that good enough for you?” 

With tears squeezed forth from the pro hero’s waterline, he lunges forth to grab at your arms, nails digging a bit deeper into your skin than a normal lover should. Despite wincing at the pain, you shift your gaze away from your crying boyfriend, reminding yourself of the inordinate number of occurrences that Kirishima has guilt-tripped you into pushing your boundaries. Seeing the unfazed expression on your face only makes chagrin seethe in the redhead’s chest even more. You love him just as much as he loves you, right? Why would you go to such lengths to destroy everything? Why would you risk all that there is to tear yourself away from his life? 

“Tell me babe ...” The rawness laced in his voice is more than evident to drive your frozen heart on the verge of breaking, his unanswered pleas coming out as a broken record. “Do you hate me that much ... that you want to leave?” 

Taking your silent nodding as a yes, Kirishima’s chest aches more than ever. Being a professional hero is never easy; the weight upon his shoulders increases excruciatingly as he steadily climbs up the ranks. Together with shouldering the guilt of the lives he once failed to save, the suffocation is immense. You are his elixir, his solace every time he returns home battered and utterly drained day after day of repetitive villain fighting. Your presence is all that it takes to save him, and he has become a hero — your hero. He has dedicated his all to protect the city.

So why couldn’t you just do the same for the sake of his sanity? 

“... I understand.” Pulling himself out of his pensive mindset, the redhead finally compromises. “But I have one last request: there would be a hero gala this Friday, and all I want is for the two of us to go as a couple for one last time before this relationship ends. Would ... would that be fine with you?” 

You agree without hesitation, relief surging through you as if a weight has been lifted off your chest. Your wishes have finally been answered, and freedom is just within arm’s reach. 

Or so you thought. 

four 

You hate him for putting you in the limelight. 

Still, you are to blame as well. Perhaps you shouldn’t have been so gullible in the first place, believing that Kirishima Eijirou is a man of his world. 

Staring at yourself in the mirror, a wry grin adorns your face as a team of makeup artists and hair stylists prepares you for the grand wedding, gushing about how lucky you are to charm your way into the chivalrous redhead’s heart and the privilege for you to be his one and only blushing bride (except that all of this is out of your own will — more like enforced onto you). Despite being dressed in the most elegant wedding gown you’ve ever seen and having your features accentuated with powdery makeup, you don’t feel elated to the slightest. Most girls would be thrilled on their wedding days, yet you couldn’t even bring yourself to smile. 

If you had unveiled Kirishima’s lies, would all of these happen in the first place? 

“Everyone ... there is something I would like to announce.” Having said that, the hero gives your hand a gentle squeeze whilst the two of you walk onto the podium situated at the centre of the banquet hall where the gala is held. Thinking that the redhead is about to reveal the breakup to the others, you don’t have much on your mind at that particular moment — that is. 

Not until the entire outcome of the jamboree changes completely when Kirishima gets to his knees without warning and pulls out a shimmering diamond ring before you even get to scream at him about what the fuck is going on. 

“y/n ...” Deceptively adoring eyes that make your stomach churn bore into the depths of your betrayed ones as the redhead shamelessly plays his trickster part well, ignoring your hushed protests while he pulls off an elaborate performance in front of the party guests, his sinister intentions masked beneath the innocent smile and corny confession of love. 

“For as long as I could remember, we have been with each other through highs and lows. You are everything to me and I wish I could cherish this bond for a lifetime ... would you make me the happiest man on earth — and marry me?” 

That son of a bitch —

Following that, claps and cheers resonate in the expanse of the arena, overshadowing the choked sobs ripped from none other than your throat. You should’ve expected this, for a lovesick bastard like Kirishima to resort to such abject measures when he runs out of options to make you stay by his side, forcing you to accept his proposal under the pressure of the gathering crowd. 

You hate him.

You despise him more than anyone else. That said, it isn’t like you have a choice to get yourself out of this predicament; and with a heavy heart, you could only follow along the scripted play, feigning tears of joy as you reluctantly mumble your response. A cheeky smile stretches across your fiancé’s face as he does what every engaged couple would do: slipping the ring onto your finger and showering you with kisses whilst surrounded by incessant blessings of fellow pro heroes and friends alike. 

“You look stunning today, love.” Catching a glimpse of slicked vermilion hair, you cannot think of an alternative response other than flashing the grinning groom a prominent scowl. “Now don’t give me a face like that. It’s our wedding day, we should be happy right —”

“Cut the bullshit.” You spit with raging fury, tears rolling down your face as you back away from your husband-to-be. “You’ve ruined my happiness and my future, yet you have the audacity to act like this? To be all smiles in front of me? I never want to be with you in the first place Kirishima Eijirou! Hell — I never want to date you!” 

Your words pierce his throbbing heart, but the redhead can’t care less. Taking a step closer at a time, he easily towers over you; tenderly caressing your stained cheeks, Kirishima gives his final warning. 

“Love, it’s my word over yours. Who do you think people would believe? An up-and-rising pro hero, or a civilian like you? Also, even if you manage to leave me, how long do you think you can sustain your own living out there? I wonder if anyone would hire you ... if I told them every bit of info I have on you —“

Pupil-blown and legs shaking, you fall limply beneath his intense stare. 

“You ... you wouldn’t dare!” 

“Oh yes I would.” Pressing a kiss to your forehead, Kirishima saunters out of the door. “Now ask your stylists to touch up on your makeup, wouldn’t want to look like a crying mess on your special day. Would you?” 

[cosmicjoke]

Okay, onto chapter 7 of “No Regrets”, and there’s really no need for me to say that this is by far the most heartbreaking chapter.  I think, perhaps, the most tragic part of it all is that Levi made the choice that he did because he was actually trying to protect everyone.  Now I’m going to break his choice down and get into the details of that, so let’s just dive right in.

First off, I want to talk a little about, once more, the pivotal contrasts between the way Levi’s choice is presented here in the manga, and how it was presented in the visual novel, and why, like everything the manga’s done so far, it’s an immeasurable improvement in the manga.

Basically, the way Levi’s choice in the visual novel plays out doesn’t in any way relate to his later philosophy which serves as the driving force behind Levi’s character in the main SnK series, while the way his choice plays out in the manga relates to it completely.  

In the visual novel, it isn’t even really a choice at all.  There isn’t any consideration or struggle for Levi to choose one way or the other.  Levi acts purely on impulse, and as I stated in my analysis for chapter 6, he reacts to the sudden storm by wanting to use it as cover so he can go and kill Erwin. That’s it.  That’s his sole motivation for leaving his friends behind. He puts no thought into it, he doesn’t consider the ramifications, he doesn’t seemingly care about anything at all except killing Erwin, and to hell with the consequences.  Again, this is so wildly out of character for Levi, that I could hardly believe it while I was reading it.  To make matters worse, when Furlan tries arguing with him and tries to convince him to stay, the writing directly contradicts its earlier statement that Levi didn’t consider Furlan and Isabel to be his subordinates by having him snap back at Furlan that he’s (meaning Levi) the one who decides, almost rubbing his higher rank in their social interactions in Furlan’s face, before just riding off without another thought.  It’s just awful characterization.  And, as I said, completely severs any relation of Levi’s actions here to the philosophy he later develops and adheres to so strongly in the main series, indeed, the philosophy that he lives by and which governs his actions, the philosophy that serves as his character motif.  It turns it into a decision made purely through emotion, a purely selfish and thoughtless act taken, and indeed, the only lesson Levi would be able to take from that sort of impulsive decision making would be that he should put more thought into his actions in the future, because if he does that, then this sort of thing won’t happen again.

But that’s not the lesson Levi learns, and that’s not the foundation of his philosophy.

Levi’s entire philosophy revolves around him understanding and accepting that he can never know the outcome of any given choice he makes until after the fact, no matter how much effort and thought he puts into trying to make the right one, and finding a kind of freedom in relinquishing that control.  It is absolutely vital, then, in order for Levi’s choice in “No Regrets” to mean anything, and for it to in any way relate to the philosophy which governs him later, for it to have been a well thought out and deeply considered choice, and that’s exactly what it’s presented as in the manga.

Now I want to break his choice down here panel by panel to get into why.

First of all, the first key difference between the manga and visual novel, is here in the manga, Furlan is the one who first points out that the situation for them is bad, because in this weather, it’s likely Erwin will get eaten by a Titan, and if that happens, they won’t be able to get the papers they’ve been after this whole time.  Levi isn’t shown even THINKING about any of that up to this point.  He’s only shown concern for Furlan and Isabel, wanting to make sure they stay together, and sticking himself by their sides.  Furlan goes on to say here that in order to take the papers, they’re going to have to head to the center of the formation.  Furlan’s the one who brings the entire subject of Erwin and the documents up here, not Levi, and this is a huge and important difference.  

They hear Flagon fire the sound grenade, and realize he and Sairam aren’t far off.  Furlan says they might be able to join them somehow, but then he hesitates, and says “but… Levi.”

Furlan is looking to Levi here and asking him to make a decision for their group.  Do they go off together and try to get to Erwin before he gets eaten by a Titan and they lose their final opportunity to get the documents they need, or do they go and join Flagon.  Furlan puts the responsibility onto Levi’s shoulders here.

Now here’s where things get really complex, and we see how truly nuanced, considered, and thought out Levi’s choice really was, and ultimately, then, why it turning out to be the wrong choice is so deeply tragic.

Furlan and Isabel both are looking at Levi, waiting for him to choose, and we get to see Levi’s internal thoughts.

The first thing he thinks in this situation is to weigh the worth of the lives of his squad and his friends against his own, and this is so exactly like Levi, and once more shows infinitely better characterization of him than what was done in the visual novel. Levi thinks here “If the three of us go, the team we leave behind will be shorthanded.”  This is literally Levi showing private concern for the lives of Flagon and Sairam, knowing that if he takes Isabel and Furlan with him, those two’s chances of survival out in this weather diminish drastically.  He then thinks “If I go alone, there’s no guarantee I’ll be able to find them again.” He’s considering his own chances of survival here, if he strikes out on his own.  He knows that if he does, his own chances of getting killed increase. So here we see Levi struggling with whether to prioritize the lives of his squad, or himself.  Ultimately, he decides to prioritize the lives of his squad. And I’ll get more into that in a moment.

But Levi continues to struggle.  He tells himself “Which is it?  Pick one.”, as the storm worsens around him.  He’s agonizing over it.  And then he closes his eyes, and he thinks of Isabel, remembers her saluting Flagon from the night before, and the understanding for the SC’s cause that she expressed, and how he himself understood it, and her sympathy, even her empathy with how they felt, saying she didn’t want to get in their way, meaning she didn’t want to compromise their mission.  Levi himself has been developing an attachment to these soldiers, and an admiration and understanding of their dedication, seeing how like his own desire to fight for and protect the lives of others it is.  To leave Flagon and Sairam to their fate and unprotected, then, would be both a betrayal to Isabel’s feelings and wishes, and his own. Levi doesn’t want to be the cause of Flagon’s and Saiyam’s deaths by taking Isabel and Furlan with him and leaving them by themselves.  Also, in remembering the way Isabel saluted Flagon and her enthusiasm for the SC’s dedication, Levi must also have realized, if he took Isabel with him to steal from and kill Erwin, it would destroy any future chance she might have of ever joining the SC again, if that was something she wanted.  To take her with him would implicate her in his crimes and rob her of that possible future.

Levi then thinks of Furlan and Isabel in the Underground, looking at him, and Furlan explaining to him his plans, his hopes and dreams of using this new found opportunity to make it to the world above and make for themselves better lives.  He’s remembering Furlan, and Furlan’s reliance on him to make that dream come true.  Remember how Furlan told Levi “With you here, we’ll really be able to raise hell.”. His plan always hinged on having Levi’s strength and ability in order to succeed.  Levi knows, then, if he chooses to not go after Erwin then and there, and get the documents from him, Furlan’s dreams will be dashed, and Levi will have failed to help make them come true.  And Levi has gone along with Furlan’s plans up to this point, against his own, better judgment, specifically because he wanted to help realize Furlan’s dream, to make it a reality.  To abandon it now, after all of that, must have seemed unacceptable to Levi.

And then Levi remembers Erwin, standing over him in the Underground, superior and smug, callous and uncaring for how he’s disrupted and threatened the lives of Levi and his friends. He remembers his anger at Erwin, his feeling of humiliation and rage.

And it’s this memory, finally, after all the others, after considering the lives of Flagon and Sairam, after considering Isabel’s wishes, and Furlan’s dream, that tips the scale for Levi in deciding that he has to go alone after Erwin.  It’s the weight of all those factors, the fear of letting Flagon and Sairam die, the fear of letting Furlan and Isabel down, on top of Levi’s own pain and anger, that decides it for him.  If he doesn’t go after Erwin alone, if he takes Furlan and Isabel with him, Flagon and Sairam will probably die, and both Furlan and Isabel will be implicated in the crime of theft and murder.  If he stays with Isabel and Furlan to join up with Flagon and Sairam, then Furlan’s and Isabel’s dreams likely go out the window.

This is no snap decision on Levi’s part.  It’s a deeply considered, thought out and in many ways selfless choice he makes.  And, again, that’s really what makes it so horribly tragic.  Levi was really TRYING to do the right thing here, was genuinely acting in a way he thought was for the best, for all parties involved.  He gave just as much, really MORE consideration to Furlan and Isabel and Flagon and Sairam than he did to himself.  It was the combined weight of the interests of all the other people involved that pushes Levi towards the choice he makes, and his desire for vengeance on Erwin is just the final straw which tips the scale in that direction, not the one and only deciding factor.  It is, from all angles of consideration, the best choice to make.  

So Levi tells them he’s going alone, and tells Furlan and Isabel to join up with Flagon.  He says he’ll get the documents, that’s the FIRST thing he’s going to do.  Not kill Erwin.  It’s the documents Levi is prioritizing here.  And since he’s going after Erwin to get the documents anyway, he’ll also, he says, be the one to kill him.  In Levi’s view, he’s being presented with a chance here to succeed in all their goals. In Levi’s view, this must be a win/win situation if he can find Erwin and do what needs to be done.

Furlan starts to protest, before Isabel cuts him off and says she’s going with Levi too, and Levi asks her, if she comes with him, who does she think is more likely to die, just him, or Flagon and Sairam.  He’s reminding her here of her desire to not get in the way of the SC soldiers, of her sympathy and empathy towards them, and is imploring her to realize that going with him will leave Flagon and Sairam vulnerable.  He’s telling Isabel that he can take care of himself, more than those two can.  He says, specifically, If the four of you stay together, it’ll raise their chances of survival.”.  He knows it’s dangerous to strike out on his own in this kind of weather, but he knows it increases his squad’s chances of survival if he does.  Levi makes the decision here to place the lives of Flagon and Sairam over his own, and to support Isabel’s own feelings in the process.

And then Furlan begins to protest again, telling Levi to keep his cool and think, trying to explain that if he just waits a little while, the fog might clear up.  He’s clearly afraid that if Levi goes out there on his own, he’ll get killed.

Levi asks Furlan then if he’s saying the Titans will wait until then, reminding Furlan that each moment they fail to act and go after Erwin, is another moment in which Erwin could get eaten, and risks Furlan’s dream being destroyed.

Furlan continues to protest, trying to impress on Levi how dangerous it is, to act alone, and Levi shouts back that he heard Furlan already, before insisting that he can do this by himself.  And then he screams at Furlan “Trust me!!”.  He’s putting the same request on Furlan that Furlan before put on Levi, asking for his trust, asking for his belief.  Furlan may be ready to give up on his dream for the sake of Levi’s safety, but Levi isn’t ready to give up on Furlan’s dream for the same.

They glare at each other, and then Furlan asks “Is that an order, Levi?”, and Levi’s reaction to that question speaks volumes.

He looks shocked at it, his expression one of clear surprise and confusion.

He then asks “An order…?” like he doesn’t understand why Furlan would even ask something like that, before saying “Why does it have to come to that?  I’m just… The two of you…”

This is in such sharp contrast to the way they had Levi acting in the visual novel and is, once more, infinitely superior.  

It shows so plainly that Levi doesn’t want to be considered Furlan’s and Isabel’s leader, he doesn’t want to be treated as their leader.  He only wants to be their friend, and for them to see him as their friend, and as someone they can depend and rely upon to always care about them and their dreams, as someone who will always fight for them and their dreams. He says “The two of you…” before trailing off, like he doesn’t know how to express any of that.  But that’s what Levi is trying to say, he just doesn’t know how, as usual.  He’s bad at expressing himself.  He’s trying to tell Furlan that he’s going after Erwin because he’s trying to still make their dreams come true, he’s trying to support them and protect them and ensure that this entire situation they’ve gotten themselves into isn’t in vain. Levi’s expression as he looks back at Furlan here is heartbreakingly earnest.  He looks open and vulnerable, as if imploring Furlan to understand.

And Furlan looks back, and finally realizes what Levi is trying to tell him.  And when he realizes it, he smiles, and laughs.  Because he realizes Levi is doing this for him, and for Isabel, and for Flagon and Sairam, even.  He realizes Levi truly means well here, and has made the choice he has after deep thought and consideration.  That this isn’t an impulsive or hotheaded choice, that he IS thinking clearly.  Levi is confused by his reaction, and Furlan keeps laughing along with Isabel, before telling Levi “Fine.  I’ll trust you.”, giving Levi the same regard Levi before showed him before, in agreeing to follow Furlan’s plan.  Furlan chooses to trust in Levi’s decision making, chooses to trust in Levi’s own plan now.  And then he tells Levi not to die, and Isabel tells him to make sure he comes back. They’re scared for him, but they’re choosing to trust him.

We get a significant panel then, as Furlan and Isabel fall back from him, and Levi looks back at them, as if still uncertain in his choice, despite all the thought he put into it. He’s still filled with self-doubt, even as Furlan had just moments before expressed belief in him.  Like he thinks there’s something he must be missing, even though he’s sure he thought out every possible scenario and reason for choosing as he did.

What’s important too, in understanding Levi’s choice, is that it never once occurs to him that Furlan and Isabel could die.  He thinks Flagon and Sairam potentially will, if they all leave them behind, and he thinks he himself might, if he strikes out on his own.  But he never thinks it a possibility that Furlan and Isabel could. He chooses then, in that moment, to also trust in the strength of his friends.  He shows absolute belief in Furlan’s and Isabel’s strength, to the point that he believes Flagon and Sairam need them, more than he does.  It isn’t even a thought Levi can entertain, that him choosing to leave will put Isabel and Furlan’s lives in danger.  With all the consideration he does, all the thought he puts into making the right choice, it simply isn’t conceivable to him, that his friends could die.  If he had thought that a possibility, if such a scenario had occurred to him, he never would have left.  He genuinely believed, if all four of them stuck together, they would be alright, even if he himself wasn’t.

A few others points of note in this chapter.

When Isabel and Furlan meet up with Flagon and Sairam again, and Sairam asks if Levi is dead, Isabel reacts violently, screaming “Of course he isn’t!!  Levi will come back.  Bet on it!”. This emphasizes, in a truly heartbreaking way, Isabel’s own faith in Levi, and her need to believe he’ll be alright. She insists that Levi will come back, and this builds off of Isabel’s continued refrain throughout the story of how Levi is “the strongest”, both below and above.  Levi is Isabel’s hero, and she clings to his perceived strength in this moment, needing to believe in it to comfort herself over his safety.

This runs parallel then to Levi coming upon the butchered squad from the first rank, and his horrified realization that there are at least four Titans that did this, and that they’re heading back the way Levi came from, meaning right for Isabel and Furlan and Flagon and Sairam.  He immediately turns around and tries in a frantic dash to make it back in time, thinking desperately to himself that there’s too many Titans, and they’ll be overwhelmed. And then he comes upon the sight of Sairam being eaten, and he cries out for Furlan and Isabel.  

Truly the most heartbreaking part about this entire scene is how Levi tries so desperately to make it to his friends in time, but how he just simply isn’t near enough too, and can only watch, then, as they die.  For Levi, who’s entire identity revolves around wanting to help others, to protect others, his own helplessness in this situation must be truly horrific for him. And especially, his own helplessness in watching the two people that mean the most in the world to him get eaten alive.

Another truly heartbreaking moment here is how Isabel decides, in Levi’s absence, that she’s going to take on his role as protector, and save everyone.  How Isabel’s admiration and hero worship of Levi is, indirectly, what gets her killed here.  She wants to be just like him, and in trying to be like him, she ends up dying.  All of this happens in front of Levi.  He has to watch Isabel die while trying to do the thing he’s made himself responsible for, which is protecting the lives of others. And the way she starts to call out for him, right before the Titan’s jaws close around her, is truly gut wrenching. Levi’s expression here is one of such utter horror and shock too, before it turns to sudden, murderous rage, and he tries once more to close the distance and make it in time, only to have to watch both Flagon, and then Furlan both get eaten too.

Levi thinks to himself, as Furlan’s being lifted to the Titan’s mouth “I’m going to end up letting everyone die.”  Before screaming out Furlan’s name.  Levi is already blaming himself, already feeling the abject weight of his failure. This is the moment when he realizes his choice was the wrong one.

Furlan, in one of the saddest moments of all, finally sees Levi and, as if to say ‘it’s okay.  This isn’t your fault’, waves to him in acknowledgment.

Maybe most cruel of all is how Levi, even in the face of his overwhelming fear and horror and self-hatred, clings desperately to hope, still trying with everything he has to make it in time to save at least one of his friends.  He thinks to himself “Come on, make it in time!!”, and only to make it more tragic still, he almost DOES make it in time, just barely a moment too late as he slices off the hand of the Titan that had been holding Furlan.  Levi misses saving Furlan’s life by mere moments. It’s truly the definition of tragic, and beyond traumatizing.  

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for chapter 7.  I’m off to read chapter 8 next, and that’ll be a wrap!

[minjoonie-song]

0:00 “Hello! Welcome to Minjoon’s Kitchen.” “Who’s fucking kitchen?” Brandon’s voice off camera startled a laugh out of Minjoon, loud and squeaky; and that was it for the theme of the live. “Welcome to uh... Welcome to Minjoon in a kitchen.” “Welcome to not Minjoon’s Kitchen.” Brandon added, finally coming into view. “Welcome not Minjoon to Minjoon’s Kitchen, not in Minjoon’s kitchen.” “Featuring Minjoon.” “Welcome to Brandon’s kitchen!” “Welcome to Brandon is trying to get his car home because she’s parked in fucking central LA after we went for brunch and had so many mimosas that I legally wasn’t allowed to drive us home.” “Hi MTV. Welcome to Brandon’s crib.” “Look mom! I‘m on MTV and I didn’t have to be 16 and pregnant to do it!” The pair started cackling again, uncontrollably hysterical in their inebriated states. 8:14

“You should make that a thing.” ”What?” ”Not Minjoon’s Kitchen. Once a month you just show up at a random fans house, streaming and giving them no time to prepare for you to cook whatever they have in their house.” ”Absolutely not. You know I like to be organised when cooking.” ”You’re literally squinting at lettuce in the fridge, I think you’re past that.” ”That’s lettuce?” “Oh my god, Minjoon. You can’t cook like this.” “I can’t see properly. I don’t know where my glasses are.” “This is going to be the most disappointing episode of your show ever and it’s live. We can’t cook, it’s gonna be dangerous and messy.” “In the words of the awesome Jake Peralta. Title of your sex tape.” “Oh my god. No, mine would be called uhh.. Put that thing back where it came from or so help me.” “Nope. I already claimed that for mine.” “Joonie! I hate the accuracy.” The laughing continued, even as the pair complained that they couldn’t breathe.

18:58

After they’d finally calmed down they took the camera with them to the couch, after the executive decision that the pair were definitely in no state to try to actually cook anything and a too large order of pizza. “We have like half an hour to kill. What are we going to do now?” “Remember when I asked for a Q&A way back in the past when I thought I’d be sober at four in the afternoon? We’ll do that and then I guess I’m writing a formal apology on my notes app to anyone who was hungry and eager to learn. Just like a real celebrity.” Minjoon fished around in his pockets for his phone, handing it to Brandon once it was unlocked so he could read it aloud. “I just figured out the greeting. Welcome to the last ever episode of Minjoon’s Kitchen.” “My biggest mistake this time was too much Minjoon and not enough kitchen. Some people come just to see my organised spice rack.” “You’ve both upgraded and downgraded to Brandon’s Couch.” “Love it. I’ve re-branded. Put it on a T-shirt. Every episode I’m just going to show you how to order different pizzas. We’re a podcast now.” “You’re a dumbass. Alright! Let’s see what we got. Minjoon.. What is your favorite thing to cook?”  “Everyone I see with how hot I am.” The laughter started up once more, even despite their previous attempts to calm down. “I fucking told you! I knew you’d get that one.” “You owe me $50 for saying it!” “I’ll buy all the pizza you just ordered, how about that?” “Catch me outside?” “Stop! How have you made it this far in life as a meme?” “I wasn’t always like this, it’s part of my rebrand. Brandon’s Couch: Meme edition.” “I can’t believe we failed cooking and now we’re already failing the Q&A.” “No! No, I got this. My favourite thing at the moment.. I love making risotto. Mostly because I get to eat it afterwards and I love eating risotto but yeah! That’s my favourite right now.” “I don’t think that’s really answering.” “It’s my answer. This is still not Minjoon’s Kitchen featuring Minjoon for this last episode. Shh. Next question!” “This one asks if there is anything in particular that gets me inspired for designs? Yes! I love art so as soon as my bank account hits below a mil, I’m like.. Shit! Gotta doodle. No, I find inspiration everywhere. Sometimes it’s just a particular mood I’m in, sometimes I’ll see a net curtain blowing a particular way in a breeze and design an entire dress from how it falls. Sometimes I’ll see a colour that I’ll want to make an entire wardrobe out of. I’ve been painting a lot recently, not designs just.. things I like and I’ve been able to work from those. Gross, I know but yeah. Inspiration is everywhere. Disgusting. Unacceptable. I refuse to be inspired again that was too mushy.”

23:37

The boys were a giggly mess. Almost everything bringing them to hysterics even if it was just something said with the smallest hint of sarcasm, they were grabbing onto the couch and each other’s arms for support as they hiccuped their way through another bout of laughter. “Anyway! Next question is top 5 celebrity chefs. Mine of course is Joonbug and that’s it. Wait, no that dude from that thing we saw in England. Gordon’s friend.” “Oh! With the road trip?” “Yeah, the really funny one.” “I loved that. Mine is obviously Chef Ramsay, Remy.. Gotta give my boy a shout out. Chef Baek Jong-won. Oh! The um.. I discovered that dude during fashion week in London that time. The sciencey one. Hus.. Hes..? I don’t remember his actual name but he made some amazing things. I was in awe. I’m also throwing in whoever invented bulgogi. That’s my top five. I actually met Chef Ramsay recently!” “You did! You called me after. How was it meeting your hero?” “Oh, I cried. Like a big baby. Ugly sobbing and lots of I love yous in the middle of a cupcake shop.” “Classic Minjoon behaviour.” “He signed my T-shirt and I cried some more. I would have proposed through my tears but I was crying too much. Like the shaky inhale, full on breakdown kind of crying? I can’t even be embarrassed because he still talked to me.” “You’re a baby!” “I am a baby! 달콤한 아기. That’s what my eomma and momma call me and then they pinch my cheekies.” “Cute! Ooh! How does it feel.. no, fuck. That’s not.. shut your face. I can read. How does performing feel on stage versus cooking on camera? How did it feel being on stage?” “I refuse to acknowledge what that means. Stage? What stage?” “They’re talking about your big, gay musical re-enactment of your love for me.” “I wish I could use memes like in real life? Just the I do not see meme but my face. Honestly though? It’s different because I can cook. This mess obviously doesn’t count but I can edit everything I post and I know what I’m doing? I’m confident when I’m cooking. I know what I can and can’t do. Being on stage was just.. I was terrified. It was terrifying. I had fun though and I did work hard. Like.. I decided last minute and I had to learn choreo and remember lyrics to things I wrote years ago. I was scared I’d trip up and face plant the whole time. Like the entire time. I wanted to be included though and I couldn’t go to the festival because it was terrifying being around so many people. I just kind of listened from the side lines but it sounded good and you said you had lots of fun being up there.” “I did. You know me though. I’m that one line from that Mike Posner song about needing everyone’s eyes just to feel seen.” “Woah. Hashtag deep.” “Oh my god. You’re ridiculous.” “I did need the entire weekend to recover though. It’s.. it’s a lot to open yourself up like that.” “You mean serenading the town with love songs about me?” “You suck so bad.” “Is that how you talk to the former love of your life?” Minjoon snorted, slapping at Brandon’s arm. “You were so in love with me. It’s my greatest achievement, you know? I put it on my resume under my skills. Has given Minjoon boners.” The reaction was instant, Brandon’s loud laugh failing to cover Joonie’s shriek that soon turned into a laugh but even his amusement couldn’t mask how red he’d gotten. “No! I hate it here! You suck so bad! So bad! I can never show my face in public or make eye contact with another human being ever again!” “It’s a good job I put the age restriction thingy on this stream. I knew I’d be a fucking menace after the second drink.” “You’re not a menace! You’re a gremlin! God, end the stream before you really do end my YouTube career. Goodbye everyone! I’m gonna go eat my body weight in pizza and become a cave hermit.” “Bye little Joonie fans! Sorry about the.. Fuck it, I’m not sorry about anything. Peace out, bitches!”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #408

“tied to the rat race  /  a big bird in a small cage”

Who, whether a person or company, emails you the most? I really don't check my email enough to even know. If you were given an assignment to draw anything besides stick figures or just doodles, what would you draw? A meerkat of course, ha ha. Do you play the games on MySpace/Facebook? I never did. Well no, I did play "Dragons of Atlantis" when Facebook bought it or whatever, but now that it's a mobile game, I don't play anything on there. When was the last time you were sunburnt? Ha, actually now. It's from riding an hour to and an hour back from the TMS office every weekday; the sun coming in through the window got my arm. Who all do you live with? My mom and my two pets. Has a guy ever let you wear his jacket? Yeah. It was so comforting when Jason gave me his leather jacket to wear if I was cold; it was pretty big on me at that time and just really cozy. Thanks survey, now I feel like crying. :^) How many friends do you have of the opposite sex? Like, one. Do you have bird feeders hanging up outside? What about any hanging plants? No. Does your house have sliding glass doors? No. Was the last food item you ate part of a meal or a snack? A snack. What color is your hair brush? I don't use a brush, but a white comb. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy? I think I prefer sunny for the sake of helping keep my depression at bay, but sometimes I really do enjoy some nice steady rainfall at the window. Who’s the last person that you hugged, not family? I have no idea. What will your next piercing be? Probably getting my nostril re-pierced. How many people have you kissed, that you can HONESTLY say you loved? Two. Can you recall the last time you liked someone a lot? uhhhhhhhhhh now What’s scarier: spiders or worms? Worms gross me out, but a spider is more likely to actually scare me, but at the same time fascinate me. Do you play poker for real money? No. If you were pregnant, how long would you wait to tell the dad? I'd tell him immediately. Would you ever date out of your own race? I have in the past, and I would again. Do you still watch movies intended for children? Yeah. Hell, more than half the time they're better than "grown up" movies. What’s your favorite movie trilogy? Uhhhh does TLK count? ha ha What would you like to take lessons in? German. Whose Facebook password do you have? Just my own. Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school? No. Have you ever crawled through a window? Yes. Are you too forgiving? Yuuuup. Ever have a sleepover with the opposite sex? Well, we were dating. Have you ever gotten someone suspended? No. Have you ever wanted to be a teacher? No. Would you live with someone without marrying them? Yes; I believe you really probably should before getting married so you see if you "fit" as far as household habits and such go. Have you ever wanted to strip naked in front of someone? Yeah no. I'd feel way too awkward. What are you listening to? A John Wolfe video. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? My mom. Did anyone watch you the last time you kissed someone? I mean possibly, it was a public place, and some people are definitely caught off-guard by seeing two girls kiss. Do either of your parents have any tattoos or piercings? No. Mom wants a tattoo, though, dedicated to all of us kids and her grandkids. Are you desperate for anyone’s approval, in particular? -_- Would you ever stalk a celebrity? Um, no???? You don't stalk ANYBODY. It's a violation of space, privacy, basic respect... Do you have any National Geographic magazines lying around? No. Have you ever been mistaken for the opposite gender? No. Do you use liquid foundation, mousse, or just powder? None. Have you ever picked out a song to listen to on a juke box? Maybe? I don't remember. Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places in one day? Oh god, I hope not. I don't remember ever having done that. Have you ever ridden in a limo? No. I always wanted to as a kid. Have you ever tried to put a huge puzzle together? Yeah, I have. I used to like to do that with my mom especially. Ever wake up early on Saturdays to go garage sale shopping? Yes, actually. My family used to love to do that. Do you keep magazines by your toilet? No. Ya better just bring your phone. What did you last take a picture of with your camera? On my actual camera, a hydrangea bush. On the camera on my phone, I believe my cat. Are you proud of who you are? Not... really. If you were a waiter/waitress, would you make good tips? Nope. I'm too awkward and I would NEVER write the orders down quickly enough. I write so slow. What are the best kind of Girl Scout cookies? The chocolate and peanut butter ones. If you hit an animal while driving, would you stop to see if it was okay? Well I doubt it's okay, but I would absolutely stop to move it away from the road and sob my eyes out. I'd probably try to find some flowers to rest on it. What's your favorite kind of pasta? Spaghetti. Have you ever played computer solitaire for hours on end? I don't even know how to play solitaire. What's the dumbest thing you've heard of that supposedly causes cancer? Who the hell knows, everything does apparently. If you saw wet cement, would you place your handprint in it? No. Can you honestly tell the difference between DiGiorno and delivery pizza? Absolutely. Do you own a lava lamp? No, but I would looove one. What charity or cause would you donate $1,000 to if possible? Off the top of my head, the Trevor Project. I'd probably research before actually donating, though. What would you say is your greatest strength? I guess that I care a lot about people. What's one food that you find too disgusting to eat? Things like clams, es cargot, sashimi... just ew. What's something that will never bore you? Uhhhh good question. Pizza Hut or Domino's? Domino's, by a long shot. What's something that always, no matter what, makes you laugh? Stupid Vines, lol. Have you ever been in a canoe? No. How many vehicles does your family own? Just one, my mom's. Are you generally afraid of taking risks? Yes. Have you ever caught/swatted a fly in/with your hand? Ew, no. Would you ever dye your hair bubblegum pink? Yeah. What was the last thing to happen that you really weren't expecting? The woman whose wedding I shot TWO YEARS ago finally reaching out to me about buying some pictures. What does it mean when you start eating less? What does it mean when you start eating more? If I'm eating less, odds are I'm extremely serious about losing weight. If I'm eating more than usual, high odds are I'm depressed or bored. Or I'm on my period. What’s the strangest named pet you’ve ever had? Harry Potter, ha ha. He was a guinea pig. What are some defense mechanisms you find yourself using when in an argument with someone? I'm very likely to just metaphorically flee from it because I fear confrontation so much. Do you know if there is anyone who was once important to you that you will never talk to again, even though you could? If I have any say in it, I'm never talking to Colleen again. List the initials of every person you have ever kissed, from first kiss to most recent kiss. (Put “?”s in the place of initials you don’t know.) I'm not listing their last initial, but anyway: J, T, G, S. Does your face break out right before your period? Not "break out," no. I'll just get a pimple or two. What did you dream about last night? All I remember was that it focused on Jason and his late mother. I miss her so much. I hope so much that whatever exists beyond death, she found the peace she was so worthy of. Do you think the United States health care system needs reform? FUCK yes I do. Our health care system is a disgusting fucking nightmare. Who was the last person you cried over? Jason. My PTSD has been doing quite well, but I had an emotional episode recently nonetheless. Do you prefer ceiling fans or fans that stand up on the floor and you plug in? I use both, but I think my preference is ceiling ones. What would you do if your son was at home, crying all alone on the bedroom floor because he’s hungry, and the only way to feed him was to sleep with a man for a little bit of money? Hypothetically, if I had a child, if I'm totally honest, I probably would. I would hate it, but I'm not letting my child starve to death if I can do something about it. Why do you think evolution is true/false? Because there is substantial evidence for it and imo is the most logical theory we've thought up. Some things about it seem kinda far-fetched, but I still have faith in it. I trust scientists and the evolution we see firsthand, such as caterpillars to cocoons, tadpoles to frogs, etc. Who came through for you at a time when you really, really needed it? Colleen. She let me live with her when I was technically homeless. What turned out better than you thought? Good question. What object did you used to, or do you still, keep hidden? My drawings. I've flipped my shit when Mom's found them in the past, even though she went on and on about how "amazing" they were. I don't draw anything "bad" at all, but still, I don't like people seeing my creativity. Who can’t you figure out? My damn self. What are you hoping for? The most recent thing would be hoping Shonda buys a lot, if not all, the wedding photos I took. I desperately want to use the money along with what I have left from Christmas to buy Venus' terrarium and proper supplies all by myself. What’s the best physical object that you kept from a previous relationship? Idk, there's a few things. What is the most socially unacceptable thing that you have no problem with? Maybe women not shaving. Like I couldn't care less. What have you done that you surprised yourself by doing? *shrug* What used to be a secret about you? Hm. Anything that used to be a secret probably still is one. What is the most stalky thing you’ve ever done? Just Facebook digging, and that's not something I've done a lot off. What did you wind up liking that you didn’t want anything to do with at first? The only thing that comes to mind at the moment is something sexual, so let's not go into that. Who do you owe your life that you can never pay back? Mom and Jason have both saved me from what would've been suicide attempts.

[inyourwildestdreamslove]

Upside Down Chapter 10

Pairing: Sweet Pea x Reader

Summary: You don’t know much about Sweet Pea, except for what you hear in the hallways around school. You pass him on your way to and from classes and you’ve perhaps brushed his arm a hand full of times. You don’t know him and he doesn’t know you.

That is until you save his baby sister from the Ghoulies all while simultaneously getting involved in a world you want nothing to do with and events you would rather stay out of.

Too bad the Ghoulies have other ideas…

Get Caught up with the Masterlist!

Girl Meets Betrayal

The student population of Southside High knew that to incur Sweet Pea’s wrath would be the end of them. They knew without a shadow of a doubt that once you are on his bad side, there was no going back to his good side. The student body, however, is curious about the new addition to the Serpent’s crew. The illustrious (Y/N), with her sweet smile and quick wit she had tamed the beast that is Sweet Pea. They thought her the Beauty, the kind and caring princess that he protects with a snarl and well placed right hook. Nobody would ever expect that she would be the one to bring the famous Sweet Pea to his knees, metaphorically speaking of course. All it takes is…

Silence.

“So you’re really not talking to him?” asks Toni as she leans against your locker.

“Nope…”

“Not even a little bit?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Because he sent the other Serpents to check up on you?”

“Because he’s throwing a temper tantrum and being too overprotective. I’m sick of his shit Toni. He acts like I can’t have friends that aren’t you guys and it’s some kind of personal betrayal I wasn’t up his ass Friday. Then, I’m having a good time with Jughead and he sends a scouting party, like I can’t even get a moment to myself without his interfering.”

“He’s just looking out for you… I mean those Bulldogs did bother you…”

“One guy being a dick does not mean that I was in danger… Enough is enough…”

You slam your locker closed and turn on your heels and start off down the hallway. The sound of Toni’s heels on the dirty linoleum floor follows you.

“So ignoring him is how you are dealing with this?”

You just shrug in reply as you continue down the hallway towards your first class.

“He didn’t talk to me all weekend either Toni and I don’t see you grilling his ass.”

She stops in her tracks before she rushes to catch up with you, “That’s because we both know you are the more rational one.”

“Not today.”

You sit through the next period stewing in your anger. You know he’s in your next class and you aren’t sure how this is going to play out. You are glaring at the board, barely paying attention to the teacher when your phone vibrates.

Jughead: You free after school?

(Y/N): Yeah… why?

Jughead: Want to go to Pops? I have something I want you to read

Jughead: Plus you’ve been down since you and boyfriend got into a fight.

(Y/N): he isn’t my boyfriend!!

(Y/N): but yeah I’ll meet you at Pops…

Jughead: Cool

You put your phone away as the teacher turns back to the class. You spend the rest of the lesson wondering how you are going to deal with Sweet Pea in the next class.

You almost miss the familiar weight of Sweet Pea’s arm as you walk to your next class, but the moment you see him sitting in his seat, turned to a girl in your class smiling and talking to her like she’s the only girl in the room you feel your blood boil.

“That’s my seat…” you grumble to yourself as you raise your head up high and walk to an empty seat in the back of the classroom as far away from Sweet Pea as you can get. Throughout class you don’t even look at him, even as giggles from the girl he’s talking to drift from your usual seat.

You spend the day not paying him any attention and with the Serpent girls.

“So you’re telling us that he’s talking to some girl in a poor attempt to make you jealous?” questions Dare to your right.

“I didn’t say he was trying to make me jealous…”

“Umm… He clearly is…” says Wink from your other side.

“That boy is so whipped when it comes to you it’s almost cute,” interjects Tori, “if it wasn’t so disgusting.”

“He is not whipped…”

“Yes he is…” they all say in unison.

“Whatever…” you grumble as you all continue down the hallway.

The day ends with you still pointedly ignoring Sweet Pea and him still attempting to get a rise out of you. You could tell you were getting more of a rise out of him though. Throughout the day you watched as he became increasingly more agitated.

Attempting to put your anger aside, you walk into the Pop’s and over to the booth that Jughead is situated in.

“What’s up?” you ask as you plop down across from him.

“I wanted you to check out the piece I did on what happened to Gumdrop.”

“Whoa! You’ve finished it already?!” you ask jumping up and sliding into the booth next to you. His arm slides around the back of the booth to allow you to lean in and read the article he has pulled up on the screen.

“You really think Alice Cooper will run it?” you ask hopefully.

“Oh yeah! She’s all about causing general chaos,” He says with a chuckle.

Neither of you notice when the door to Pops opens and Sweet Pea walks in. Fire springs into his eyes as he sees the two of you together.

“Wow… Seriously? Is this why you’ve been such a bitch?” questions Sweet Pea from behind you.

You whip around in your seat to see Sweet Pea, “You did not just call me a bitch.”

“Didn’t I?” he says with a cruel smirk, “Good to know that while I was taking care of Gumdrop all weekend you were fucking some Southside traitor! What? Did you decide that us lowly Southsiders aren’t good enough for you?”

“What the fuck Sweet Pea?! I thought you were my friend but you’re going to treat me this way? Fuck you!” you exclaim hurt he would say such things about you. You honestly thought you were better friends than that.

Jughead looks like a fish out of water as you get up and push past Sweet Pea, you can feel the tears in your eyes from the hurt and the surprise from his reaction.

You don’t think twice as you storm out the door and drive off into the setting sun.

It’s about an hour later with all the girls piled into your room that the shit talking begins.

“I cannot believe he would say that!” yells Toni.

“He needs to have his balls ripped off!” growls Tori from her spot at your window seat.

“He needs more than that…” grumbles Wink as she steals the chocolate sauce and generously pours more onto her sundae.

“What are you going to do?” questions Dare before she tilts her head back and sprays whipped cream into her mouth.

“She’s going to get even obviously!” exclaims Tori.

“I’m sure he will apologize tomorrow, I bet he feels really bad about the way he talked to you,” says Toni.

“I don’t care… That was completely unacceptable,” you say as a dollop of whipped cream toples over in your bowl.

“Well he’s not going to talk to you like that again, or he’s dealing with us.”

You glance up at your new found friends and give them a watery smile. You don’t necessarily like how all of them have come to be in your life, but you don’t know what you would do without them now.

You spend the rest of the night complaining about boys and eating all the sweets you could possibly want.

The next day at school you don’t even look at Sweet Pea, or the next, or the next. By day three Sweet Pea is getting close to cracking when he calls out your name and you walk by him like you don’t even know him.

That’s when the text messages begin.

Sweet Pea: Look… I shouldn’t have said those things to you…

Sweet Pea: I didn’t mean it… I just don’t like that Jughead guy okay?

Sweet Pea: Come on! Talk to me!

Sweet Pea: I don’t know why I said all those things okay? Can we talk? I feel like shit about all this…

Sweet Pea: Fine… I get it you’re still pissed…

Sweet Pea: I’ll be at the Wyrm tonight if you want to talk.

You look down at your phone before leaning your head back and releasing the breath you didn’t know you were holding. You’re done being mad at Sweet Pea, but every time you think of what he said you get hurt and angry all over again. “Besides he hasn’t even apologized yet!”

“Maybe he wants to do it person?” asks Betty from the other side of the table.

You’ve finally gotten the chance to meet Betty and the two of you hit it off right away.

“Maybe…”

“Well do you really want to be someone’s friend if they talk to you like that?” questions Jughead from the otherside of the table.

You look up at him, “He doesn’t usually talk to me like that…”

“Why do you think he did that day then?” questions Betty before she takes a sip of her milkshake.

“Who knows… He was already pissed at me for choosing Jughead over him on Friday, I guess it just made it worse when he saw us together that day…”

“Sounds kind of controlling to me…” says Jughead off handedly.

Betty whips around to face her friend and elbows him in the side.

“What?! It does!” he defends before taking a large bite of his burger.

“He’s not controlling… He’s just had a rough week…”

“And now you’re making excuses for him…”

“I’m not…”

“Wow… so it is true…” says a voice from behind you.

You glance over your shoulder to find Roger’s standing there with a smug smirk and his arms crossed.

“What’s true?”

“That you aren’t Sweet Pea’s girl anymore…”

“I wasn’t ever Sweet Pea’s girl…” you grumble, “Why does everyone think I am?”

“Well you are always with him… Except for this week that is… Wonder why?”

“That’s none of your business…”

“Well he has been talking a lot of shit about you this week.”

“What?”

“Oh yeah… he keeps talking about how you’re fucking some guy and how you think you’re too good for the Southside now…”

“No he’s not…”

“That’s not what I heard… Look I’m not as big of an asshole as you think I am. I just think you should know what he’s been saying about you,” he says with a shrug as he grabs his order off of the counter.

You can feel your blood boil as you practically leap out of the booth and rush out the door. It takes you all of 10 minutes to get to the Whyte Wyrm. You see his Harley in its usual spot and almost rip the door off its hinges to get into the bar.

When you are in the dimly lit bar you look over at Sweet Pea’s usual table and see him waiting for his turn. His eyes land upon you when he looks up and a slight smile comes onto his handsome features.

In your rage, you see none of this and rush towards the tall male.

“What the fuck have you been saying about me you asshole!”

Sweet Pea is taken off guard by your rage and almost takes a step back in surprise.

“What are you talking about?” he asks in bewilderment.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about! You’ve been talking shit about me being with Jughead!”

“No I haven’t,” he says through gritted teeth, “Who told you that?”

“That doesn’t matter. What matters is I thought you were my friend! Then you go and yell at me and call me a slut for hanging out with a guy!”

“I did not call you a slut!”

“Umm… you pretty much did! And why does being friends with Jughead make me a traitor?!”

“Why are you hanging out with him so much then? Don’t think I don’t know you were with him tonight!”

“What does that even matter?!”

“IT JUST DOES!”

“Don’t you fucking yell at me!”

“You’re the one who came in here yelling at me! What you think you just get to do whatever the fuck you want?”

“Considering that I don’t answer to you… YES! Yes I do!”

“So that’s it then? We were just your friends until you could find some Northsiders to take you in?”

“What the fuck Sweet Pea? That’s you that decided that. I’ve always been your friend, I’ve never once thought bad of you or any of the Serpents. You guys have become like my second family and then I get treated like this? Fuck that. By the way… Jughead wrote an article calling out the guys at the school that were trying to suspend Gumdrop. I was working on an article to submit to the Riverdale Gazette in order to highlight the unjust way that the situation was handled. And Betty gathered several testimonials from young women who went through a similar situation and how it was poorly handled. I wasn’t kidding about taking their jobs Sweet Pea. WE did all that for Gumdrop.”

With that you spin on your heel and walk out the door.

You don’t see the look of shock or guilt that haunts Sweet Pea.

You don’t see how he breaks the pool stick in half over his knee in his rage.

And you don’t see when he sinks to his knees outside the bar and holds his head in his hands in shame, wishing he could take back all the things he said.

Umm.... So...What just happened? Guess you’re going to have read the next chapter to find out! 

Shoutout to @claryfray1698 for editing and @sweetpea-cc for helping me organize my thoughts!!

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[taciteaneremite]

COLT: *this has reached a whole new level of petty and therefore unacceptable. he knows joel won't talk to him through text or call, so there's only one way to handle this... he's showing up at joel's door without letting anyone knowing that's where he went, knocking impatiently.*

JOEL: *He doesn't have to answer the door either. Joel is locked in his room, pretty much hiding from Rammie more than Colt. But he hears the knocking and sticks his head out of the window. Actually, physically climbing out onto the roof. The surrounding of Joel and Rammie's house is mostly greenhouse and with the humidity at an all time high, the windows are open. Bringing on a generous breeze.* Hey.

JOEL: Nobodys home dipstick.

COLT: *colt squinting (TM) as he looks around, before he steps back and traces to sound of joel's voice to the roof. * We need to talk.

JOEL: Whys that. *Doesn't move. If anything that would be convenient for Colt.*

COLT: Because this is gettin' out of hand.

JOEL: No shit it is. But hey.

JOEL: At least youre telling me this stuff to my face. And not lettin folks interfere for once.

COLT: *looks around. he can get up to the roof too... watch him. he just needs to get a good start... he's got enough adrenaline going he can pull a dumbass strider move and flash step off of a tree to launch him up onto the roof. naturally, he stumbles, but he manages to land looking moderately cool.*

COLT: I don't "let" people interfere... They can make the choice for themselves if they wanna get involved or not. *looms over him*

COLT: Can't really blame them... I know we're bein' obnoxious.

JOEL: Youre being fucking obnoxious. Im just responding. *squares himself up against Colt. Glaring.*

COLT: How? What am I doin'? *MAKES HIMSELF BIG. and he's only gotten much much bigger over the years.*

JOEL: Youre just??? *gestures wildly* Rubbing it in my face by now! FUCK.

JOEL: Yeah I KNOW you have nice happy family. I fucking KNOW you three are saints and aint never done anything wrong in your lives.

JOEL: Im just a little bit fed up with your perfect life achievements and MAYBE. Think you deserve to fuck off.

COLT: *he just... looks so tired.* When the hell did any of us claim to be perfect?

COLT: I'm sorry that I'm not completely goddamn miserable anymore. But just because I'm happy most of the time, that don't mean I can't mess up ever. I know I do. Just because I wanna live my life too instead of lettin' my short comings drag me down to that dark place again-- *shakes his head*

COLT: Joel.

COLT: I know that I hurt you.

COLT: I know you're perfectly entitled to hatin' me if you want to. But I don't... I don't understand why. Why wouldn't you wanna work somethin' out?

COLT: Why don't you just talk to me?

JOEL: *Where Colt looks tired, Joel continues to fume. Practically snarling.* Why wouldnt I?? When the shit have you acted like you deserve for me to forgive you. You dont.

JOEL: You went and cherry picked who you still wanted around and now you gotta fucking deal with it. Deal with *me* because unlike EVERYBODY FUCKING ELSE. They left you when the going got too tough.

JOEL: I would never.

JOEL: EVER.

JOEL: Have let you feel like you left me. I wouldnt have let ANYBODY put me in that position. Not Mithun not Zuserk not Rammie. But you left me to shit. Thats what you DID Colt.

COLT: *he fists clench and it feels hard to breathe with the thickness in the air. naturally, his eyes start to water with frustrated tears as he steadily boiling blood causes him to snap back.* I've always wanted you around! I never stopped wantin' you around!! I've been tryin' to include you in my life, but you decided for me whether or not I should. You act like I abandoned you...

COLT: But you never let me make any mistakes! Don't pretend like "loyalty" trumps everythin' else. You think bein' stoicly present despite all odds is the same as havin' a fuckin' relationship with somebody. Well, it's NOT. You shut me out long before Little and Finn went away back on Avalon.

COLT: I had a crisis back on GG's island... And then when I married Little I made a choice. And instead of talkin' me through it like they do when the goin' *actually* gets tough, you abandoned ME. You damned ME for being a FUCKIN' person.

COLT: I've never judged you in my life, Joel! I've loved you and supported you and I tried to take some of that weight you're always carryin' around but you never let me! You never let anybody but-- Goddammit, if it had been anyone why couldn't it have been me?

JOEL: Because I TRUSTED YOU. And you threw me under the fucking BUS. FUCK. *throws his arms up, having had enough of this thickness in the air. The hard of breathing and his own echoing hurt. Joel preforms a perfect backflip off the roof and lands in the gravel below. He starts to stomp for the yard.*

COLT: Don't you-- Come back here! *GREAT. he is NOT /that/ nimble... he has to clunkily descend by climbing down if he hopes to catch up to joel.*

COLT: I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU.

JOEL: *Nope. They're taking this shit outside. And it's true the air had gotten thicker. Joel had to blame it on the overgrowth and the ever changing weather. He breaks a sweat as he storms the whole way to the yard.*

JOEL: You broke my trust ONCE COLT. Why the FUCK would I wait around and wait for you to break it again???

COLT: *FOLLOWS when he finally gets to the ground.* Is that how it works now? You disown your family on account of one mistake?

COLT: Don't pretend like this is about trust! You're just fishin' for excuses to keep people out.

JOEL: So what??????? I will be-- UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *looks about ready to tear his hair out. The tears crawling straight out of his eyes as terror grips him.* I WILL BE FUCKING DAMNED IF YOU LEAVE ME TO BELIEVE THIS IS MY FAULT.

COLT: I DON'T think it's your fault! That's not what I'm tryin' to say...!

COLT: It ain't a matter of FAULT.

COLT: I know... I know you're just scared and hurtin' but I... I can't keep followin' at your heels tryin' to break down your walls. Dammit-- *runs a hand over his face and through his hair watching joel come apart like that, his own tears springing anew.*

COLT: I still have a life of my own... That don't mean I don't want you a part of it. I just... I don't know how to reach you. If you still want me in your life, you gotta meet me halfway sometimes. I can't read your mind, I can't--

COLT: I never wanted things to escalate like this. I just don't know what to do, Joel. Please... Let me fix this. Let me make up for it. Anything.

COLT: I'm beggin' you. *his voice cracks with desperation, feeling like he's officially at the end of his rope here. he doesn't want to lose his brother, but he feels so powerless. the atmosphere is suffocatingly tense... did it get darker out, too? even with a breeze picking up, a blanket of dread is snuffing out any hope for relief.*

JOEL: *His instincts are screaming for him to run. He hears what Colt said but it's the very opposite of what his mind is twisting the truth around to be. He says it's not a matter of fault but how the fuck did he know that? It might as well be and in this exact moment as the night seems to close in around Joel, every doubt and icy fear is surging up at him all at once. Choking him where he stood as Joe

JOEL: l practically fought for breath. It was happening again. These last three years were empty, void of any meaning and it was ALL HIS FAULT.*

JOEL: *And just like that, the ringing in his ears turn into snarls. The sounds seem to come from the woods, inside, all around. Joel feels his vision swim as he breathes too much of this thick, humidified air. It's a whim when he wills the choked feeling in his lungs to CHARGE with something. Something, anything, that will break this barrier around himself. His life.*

JOEL: *It's an act of the very same violence Joel was holding to himself when he turns on Colt. Lunging by some force of will that wasn't entirely his own. With great protruding fangs that seek to tear into any bit of Colt's flesh this fever-crazed Joel could reach, neither of them will even have time to notice the green colored taint of the mist around them.*

COLT: *there's no time to notice anything, or react. not that he would even think to. he knew joel could be violent and impulsive, but nothing could prepare him for the absolutely primal look in joel's eyes as he comes crashing over colt, knocking him to the ground with a powerful thud.*

COLT: *the sudden shock reverberating through his whole body, however, is dwarfed in comparison to the sharp, ripping pain where his neck meets his shoulder, only barely missing a very crucial vein. for a moment, all thoughts and instincts surrender to the feeling and he can only scream out in agony.*

COLT: *and then it gives way to something else, as if the pain is fueling him; it's not quite like an adrenaline rush, if anything, he has more clarity to deliberately grasp at joel's face and shoulder with digging nails... claws? to wrench him off, in spite of the way it hurts.*

JOEL: *The taste of blood has him pulling away faster than anything. Colt's terrified scream and the force it takes for him to shove him off has him recoiling. Joel's whole world is spiralling fast, his senses pressing down on him all at once. The sight, scents, sounds, tastes...*

JOEL: *He barrel rolls through the dirt, eyes blown by some feverish high as he springs to his feet just as quickly. His thoughts are too incoherent for him to try to make sense of his own survival instinct. But it's enough. In an instant, Joel is flashstepping off. Bolting for the woods in a hard run. Gone.*

COLT: *joel's gone, and colt is sitting to catch his breath and clutching at the wound in his shoulder, the hot flow of blood seeping past the gaps in his fingers. it'd be stupid to try to drive himself to the hospital, but he's doing that anyway. nothing is clear right now. and as far as he can tell in this rush of confusion, none of this even happened. it couldn't have.*

[corvid-knight]

Demon Eyes - chapter 24

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13740258/chapters/33307809

The Speaker's hand clamps down on yours and pulls you into the circle with one hard yank, and you know that you've fucked up. Karkat yowls in alarm behind you, but he can't cross the circle to drag you back—it's made to block demons from passing, and it'll keep him out just as effectively as it keeps Kurloz in.

D or any of the other humans could pass, theoretically. Right now, though, Kurloz is...doing something. Controlling them, maybe—even though the protection runes they wear should block at least some of that shit, and he's in a circle which should definitely prevent him from extending his influence outside of it, you can feelsomething go out and twine itself around your family even as his eyes lock with yours.

Calm the fuck down, Second. Take what I'm giving you.

Which is what you want. You want the knowledge, this is what you asked for—except even his calm delivery of that thought brings a memory to mind, a growled take it, brat! that expected as little resistance as this demon does.

It's that memory that makes you struggle against the iron grip on your wrists, makes you choke out, "No fuckin' way—"

Too late for that.

Kurloz dives into your mind, slipping into the cracks you didn't know your defenses had and filling everything with his cool purple radiance. After only a second you can't even think of resisting—he's so fucking strong, how can any one being hold this much power?

There's nothing but his eyes. Nothing in the world but purple light. There's nothing in your mind but the Speaker for the Dead, coiling and settling and crushing your will down until you're barely even there.

He's going to kill me, you think, and it's not even a surprising thought. Bro won't even get a chance to have me, because even if my body's still breathing after this, I'm going to be gone.

That would be a motherfucking waste. The twin messiahs become nothing if such a simple servant as I were the one to waste one of them.Kurloz's amusement is just as crushing as his presence, but as he sends you those thoughts he withdraws a little. There's still nothing in your world but him, but now his presence isn't so painful. One of you will have to die, yes, but not by my hands.

Karkat's gonna break the circle and tear your heart out in another minute, you warn him. Talk fast.

Talk isn't what I'm here for. I'm a motherfucking prophet sent to give you the knowledge meant only for the Two Messiahs. More amusement, a weight that's almost painful. Maybe it is painful, but he doesn't let you feel the pain. We've got all the time in the world, Second. I could speak to you for a lifetime like this, and release you before Vantas finished drawing a single breath.

Shit. Shit. The thought of having Kurloz wound around your mind, inside your mind, for any longer than he has to be? That drives spikes of cold panic down into your gut.

And of course, he smooths the panic away. You're his puppet now; there's no need for you to be alarmed.

Stop it!

Hey, there's no way you can get this knowledge if your mind isn't calm. Stop the motherfucking fighting, Second—

(stop fuckin' fighting, Davey, Bro drawls in your memories)

Enough of that shit.

Annoyance hurts more than amusement. If you had control of any part of your body you'd sob, but Kurloz owns you completely. All you can do is stand still as he darts through your mind, striking down anything that isn't what he wants to see until all that's left of you is a tight knot of consciousness at the core of your soul.

The Speaker could destroy that, too. You know he could. If he does, you hope D has the mercy to put a sword through your heart.

You're not mine to kill. The moment your self perishes, you cease to be the Second of Two, and that is motherfucking unacceptable.

And he doesn't touch your core.

Instead, he starts pouring that damned purple light into you. Everything that he's cleared out, made blank and empty, he fills with knowledge, planning and images and shit that you absolutely cannot even try to sort out right now. Kurloz fills you, and it hurts like nothing else.

Through this process, you don't move. He holds you steady with an ease that horrifies you.

He's so fucking strong, you think. How the fuck did Karkat catch him, how did he being him here?

Simple.

I let him.

As you process that simple statement, Kurloz pulls out of your mind. The loss of him hurts almost as badly as his presence did, but he holds control of you, keeping you from showing any pain. Without your volition your mouth shapes syllables, the spell for either banishing or releasing.

Then you're the only one in the circle, and the Speaker's puppet-strings that have been holding you snap. Suddenly, you can't hold yourself upright.

Because Karkat is shouting both out loud and in your mind, you make the effort to roll to one side, break the circle with your body again. That's rewarded with the feeling of his hands on you, gentle and roughly urgent at the same time.

You're okay with that.

Your mind goes away for a while. You can't say that things go dark, though.

If anything, they go purple.

"Dave."

Dave.

"Dave."

There's maybe half a minute between each repetition of your name, and it alternates between aural and mental. The former's quiet, rough around the edges like he's fighting tears. The latter's filled with too much emotion for you to process.

From the fear and concern that you're getting from him, Karkat's been trying to call you back for a while.

Dave.

"Dave."

"Karkat," you try to say back to him, and get out what feels like an unintelligible mumble.

He must get the meaning of it, though, because he gasps, jerking you up from however you were lying (partially on his lap, you think, but your perception of your own body is fucked up right now so you can't be sure) and hugs you to his chest, one arm holding you close while his free hand comes up to cradle the back of your head.

Fuck. Karkat's shaking.

How the fuck do arms work.

That puzzle takes you a minute to work out. Then you get your arms up around the demon, leaning into him and closing your eyes to try and work out what the hell the Speaker left in your head.

A lot. He left a lot.

Okay, leave that for now. " 'kat."

"I thought he fucking broke you, Dave." Karkat's got his forehead pressed against yours, and the hand on the back of your head is shifting uneasily between having claws and not.

"Naah. Where's the others?"

"Jake has John, Hal has Dirk, Roxy has Rose. D's probably throwing up again."

"He fucked with them. Kurloz."

"I should've hurt him." Karkat tenses up as he says that, only relaxing when you give him a careful mental push. "You were a fucking idiot for letting him get in your head, Dave—"

"Had to get the info, man."

"We don't know what else he put in there..." He hesitates, then cautiously tries to dip into your mind—and recoils as you gently push him out again. Dave?

's okay, babe, just... "He did plant shit, but its...not gonna hurt me. You, maybe, if you try and go through it—he said it was 'meant only for the Two Messiahs—'"

Karkat goes completely still, pulling back to stare at you in what seems to be fucking horror. "He didn't say that."

"I mean, technically he didn't say anything."

"This isn't something you can fucking joke about, Dave—"

"Do you think I don't know that?" You shift to free up one hand so you can rub at your eyes, leaning against the demon. Apparently if you just try to ignore the tangle of knowledge he left you, you're going to have to try and handle the headache while the info seeps into your consciousness anyway. "I don't get why Kurloz picked me and Bro, how he even fucking knew about us—and you know it had to be him, as far as he knows he's the last member of that goddamn cult... what does he do, fucking constantly scry for some poor asshole who fits his damn prophecy?"

Instead of answering, Karkat growls softly, looking into your eyes before pulling you up closed again. "You don't believe in this shit, do you."

"No."

"That's a mistake, Dave. Kurloz does believe, because he's lived through three cycles of the Two Messiahs."

"He's got a pretty good track record, if they all ended up being the ones who ruled the world 'stead of the ones that ended it."

"The end of the world is a relative term." Karkat huffs and shakes his head. "According to everything I know about his cult, it's evenly split. The first time around, the one who survived ruled. The third, she destroyed."

"The second?" You know the answer. Kurloz left it in your head. You ask Karkat anyway, because he needs to not know just how much you know.

"Twins." He shifts, and you can feel his worry. "One killed the other, yeah, but then he killed himself."

"Yeah." The purple-tinged knowledge in your mind says that that was the most successful cycle, because it simply let the status quo continue.

Kurloz doesn't want change, you realize, because with every new messiah to rise, there's the chance he'll be replaced with a new prophet. Maybe he has little power now, as the leader of a cult of one, but as long as he's the Speaker to the Dead, as long as he's needed to call the First Messiah back to the living, he's more-or-less immortal.

"I can't tell what you're thinking, Dave," Karkat murmurs against your neck.

"Sorry...'m trying to sort the shit he gave me out." That's true, or true enough that he won't be able to sense a lie. "I know where Bro's gonna be."

"Good. I'm going to fucking tear him apart."

"I know you are, babe," you tell him, even though what you actually know is that he won't. Can't. "Once D gets over the mind-control aftereffects, I gotta go see if he can arrange us a fuckin' plane ride. I wanna sleep on the way there; can't do that in the truck."

Karkat nods, the red-on-red patterns in his eyes finally shifting away from the darker tones that've been dominating them. "Where to?"

The answer is fucking ironic. Enough so that instead of answering out loud, you just laugh and shake your head and push the image of the building you met him in at him.

Right back to the fucking start.