#tWO REALLY NICE BLOGS ARE IN MY BIGGEST FANS I'M CRYING

[skullduggeryandfilibuster]

Introductions to Writeblr From a Writer

So I never wrote one of these. Probably a good a place as any to get my foot in the door.

Who Am I?

I'm John (he/him), and I'm a 21 year old writer. I'm looking for friends, because my greatest fear is being alone in a room of a thousand people because friends are nice to have. I had the unfortunate realization that the only way I can share the stuff I make, is to actually make it? Eugh. Anywho, I'm a big fan of fantasy, mystery, comedy, mythology, folktales and urban legends, and lil guys in funny hats. I'm not here to write or read fanfiction. I respect the field, but it's not for me, apologies.

Well What Are You Here For?

Blogging about writing! Like actually! Not just thinking about it, or murmuring under my breath in the shower how cool it would be to run a blog, but like, actually doing it! I want this to be a place I can give my thoughts about storytelling and art, such as proper reviews or random ravings. I want this to be a place where I can work with other writers to hone our craft, and help each other out! Feedback, support, advice, criticism, you name it. I want this to be a place where I can share what I've written, lest the flashing cursor continue to mock me. From short stories, to tidbits of longer things, to flash fiction to everything in-between. I've been in a writing "rut," you could call it, for some time, and I'm hoping this blog will encourage me to get my fingers typing and track/show off my progress.

Huh, What Are You Writing Then?

I mostly write fantasy. My favorite type of media are stories that can make me laugh one scene and cry the next without missing a beat, so that's what I strive to write. I'm working on several things, but really I'm interested in making new things; stuff from scratch. But I'll share some tidbits of the WIPs I got:

Codename: TOaO

This is the project I've been working on the longest. It is also the one I am least comfortable sharing. Oh, not because it's my baby or my most precious project. It's cause I'm in the process of gutting it and stitching it back together to make my own Frankenstein's Monster! (did you know Frankenstein was the scientist not the--) I've been reassessing how I write and outline and reassessing this story for the last few months, and I'm kinda taking a break to work on something else right now. It's a comedy fantasy story in the vein of Discworld. The main protagonist is the world's biggest normie (that is the truth), who is an aspiring hero! ...And he can hear the narrator of the book but don't worry about that it won't lead to any problems like anxiety or depression or insanity or–– That's all I'm willing to share, because that's the only thing I know is 100% staying. Other characters, conflicts, settings, plot lines... who's to say what'll stay or what'll go? (Me. I'm to say.)

Video Essay About––

So yeah, I'm making a video essay discussing the writing of a television series. "Oh that's cool! What's the show?" Ehaha! Hahaha! Ha... sniff... ha... ugh... "Oh, this is a popular show that you think has bad writing, isn't it?" Nods Yeah... the internet. It's a scary place. And "hating" on things that people agree are bad is still gonna get you hate. But this is a passion project. I am 95% done with the script, and in the process of editing it down. It is sitting at 33k words right now. So yeah, safe to say, whatever show this is, know that I have thoughts. I'm excited to move onto the next phase of actually recording it, so that'll be fun. You'll get to see my beautiful face. (I can assure you I am very beautiful.)

Some Short Stories

These aren't actually WIPs, they're WHFs. (Work has Finished.) I have two short stories, one about a sorcerer's apprentice who murders a spell, another about a delusional overseer on a Southern plantation who is just baffled that one of the enslaved people would run away. Two very different stories, fairly different tones, and I may or may not post them here if people are interested. We'll see. Let me know.

Facts (Fun Optional) About Me

I'm neurodivergent.

I hate all conspiracy theories. Yes, even the fun ones.

I love Scooby-Doo.

I have strong opinions about a fair deal of things...

...But I'm more interested in what other people think about those things and why.

Currently Reading Rhythm of War by Brandon Sanderson. It's pretty good so far. Excited for Wind and Truth.

Thanks for reading. I know that was a lot. I appreciate it. If you're a writer yourself, or hell even if you're not, say hi. I want to see what other writers are up to, I've already followed a few folks, but I'm excited to follow more. Have a great day.

[outrunningthedark]

You seem obsessed with Ryan's wife/ex wife. Not even borderline obsessed, you are like a hemorrhoid on her ass at this point. Imaging having no life and spending your days obsessing over someone you apparently don't like, it's laughable. How about get off tumblr of all sites and, I don't know do something productive. Get some air, get a job, talk to people about anything not having to do with a celebrity or your dislike of the week.

We get it mummy and daddy didn't give you the attention you wanted as a child, I have a feeling you got all the attention being disabled and all, it's just never enough for a narcissistic person. They always crave more.

Go ahead ignore this message and then cry to your "fans" about the anon in your inbox being a bid bad meanie while they all message you saying 'YoUrE pErFeCt BaBeS!!!' We all know you're not. We all know you're an awful person but you and your just as narcissistic fans dont see what the rest of us see. Its no wonder so many blogs have you blocked and agree with me on this.

It's funny how the biggest "insult" people can come up with is that I have no life because I'm disabled and yet I don't spend the majority of my hours on the internet every single day. If you don't see me posting on here, I'm not anywhere. Someone would have found me by now otherwise. :) I'm a...whatever negative adjective you want to use for discussing things we can see on PUBLIC PLATFORMS (the majority of which are sent to me via anons, who obviously can't expose their identity without being exposed to bitches), yet you and others then turn around and do the exact thing you're so offended by? I can tell who's saying what based on the activity around these parts, don't you worry. If “celebrities are people, too”, then the shit talking is either in or out across the board because, guess what? I’ma person. So are you.

You can't pick and choose who is worthy of criticism based on their likeability or whether they might be peeking at social media and you wouldn't want to "offend them". Hiding behind your DMs and group chats and discord servers isn't any better when all it takes is one fallout with a "friend" to learn what's really being said, btw. Might want to keep that in mind. ;) (The fact that you think being ableist is comparable to saying two people are clearly bad for each other or that Ryan doesn't deserve a pass for who he associates with...LOL. I'm not responsible for whatever language comes from my anons, either. In case you forgot that part.) ANYWAY. They're a dysfunctional couple and no amount of defending will change that. #goals Have a nice rest of your night, love. Hope the rest of your week is better than whatever spurred this on. Hurt people (try to) hurt people, as they say...

[seasurfacefullofclouds1]

Can we talk about Louis’ way of quietly defying toxic masculinity? Like Harry will wear “feminine” colours and bold fashion statements, but Louis defies it with his honest lyrics and heartfelt and genuine personality.

Some examples from Twitter!

How tenderly he holds this baby.

This thread on Louis ending toxic masculinity.

In Louis’ well-known love of cuddles!

Louis various photo shoots are full of moments that defy toxic masculinity. While he doesn’t wear women’s clothing (although he has), he often moves and poses in elegant, flamboyant ways balanced between strength and vulnerability, all the way to 2020.

Louis and kids !

Louis’ wonderful way of getting himself down to the children’s level— physically— even when he’s behind a desk!— so they feel at ease.

[[MORE]]

Remember this behind-the-scenes clip from Back to You, how respectful he was to Bebe, how he treated her as an equal and never as the “bigger name” (which, at the time, he was) or the “dominant artist.”

We can also talk about how Louis has co-written his solo songs with women, non-binary, and LGBT songwriters (Sasha Sloan for Just Hold On, Sarah Blanchard for Back to You, Asia Whitacre for Miss You, Jesse Thomas for Just Like You, Ali Tamposi for Always You, Wrabel for Don’t Let It Break Your Heart).

We can make an entire blog about Louis’ support of LGBT fans and the LGBT community.

We can also talk about Louis’ essential humility. Louis does not make support for social issues about himself, Louis Tomlinson the celebrity. There are no redirected links for engagement analytics. Louis attended the Black Lives Matter protest in London without fuss (we hardly saw his face), and his post focused on the cause. His support of the NHS and child hunger are about the causes. Louis made several music videos for the single Two of Us, and one of them is the remarkable “bucket list” video with Richard that focused entirely on Richard rather than on Louis himself— Richard’s memories and feelings about grief, his hopes and strengths. The video was linked to three charities close to Louis’ heart— which he has supported for years. “Louis Tomlinson has always said that it is important for him to remember where he came from.”

We can talk about the fact that Louis has always kept his heart open to emotions, from early 1D days when the boys agreed Louis was the “biggest mama’s boy” and nicknamed “Louis’ cry face,” to crying for his contestants on TXF, admitting that he’s the biggest crier— even in 2020:

“At anything that pulls at the heartstrings - I’m an easy crier.”

... such that Louis’ stance on emotions and vulnerability was cited by TMRW Magazine for #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek.

In 2017, talking about the difference between music he wrote for One Direction and his solo music:

Louis’ statement to O GLOBO on his real personality: “This is difficult. I think the natural stereotype of a musician or a celebrity is not always incredible. Sometimes, for various reasons, people expect me to be rude or bad, for example, when in fact, I just want them to understand that I’m a really nice guy.” And here he is again.

We can talk about Louis’ choice to cover a song like Beautiful War, singing with a raw honesty about difficulties in a relationship and arguing that love is “worth fighting for.”

Louis’ lyrical genius is in conveying strength and vulnerability at the same time, allowing his audience to hear his loss and sadness yet finding strength in it.

• In writing about his mother Jay (Two of Us), Louis discovers the way grief can sneak up in everyday situations: the way that we can no longer phone those who have passed, the way their voices and faces are preserved in our digital world. He sings about it in direct and honest ways, and makes the sadness relatable, universal.

But I'll leave a message so I'm not alone

The day that they took you, I wish it was me instead

I will be the best of me, always keep you next to me

Even when I'm on my own, I know I won't be alone

• In writing about the beginning of One Direction (We Made It), Louis shows how the anxiety, pressures, and uncertainty of those early days eventually lead to his happiness now. He doesn’t turn away from his own fears, his past insecurity about what could have been. “Oh God,” he sings, “what I could have become.”

Now we're saying goodbye/ Waving to the hard times.

Things we'd never say to someone else out loud/ We were only kids, just tryna work it out

Oh, God, what I could've become/ Don't know why they put all of this on us when we're so young/ Done a pretty good job dealing with it all

• In writing about feeling lost and deluded as a relationship came apart (Walls), Louis expresses little blame. “Nothing makes you hurt like hurtin' who you love/ And no amount of words will ever be enough.” The hurt he describes goes both ways, and came from both people. The epiphany of recognizing what was wrong with the relationship was on Louis— he saw something lost in himself.

I looked you in the eyes, saw that I was lost (saw that I was lost)/ For every question "why", you were my "because"

• In describing how he made the decision to pursue his career, even in a song that talks about being “addicted” to this life, the epiphany is within himself (Habit)— the focus is on what he can do for self-recognition and self-improvement.

I took some time 'cause I've ran out of energy/ Of playing someone I heard I'm supposed to be/ But honestly, I don't have to choose anymore

Louis has always tried to stay grounded. “Don’t get lost on the way up” is his expression of humility, as well as lyrics like “pub lunch every Sunday,” “I’m just like you,” “I’m crying like a fool.”

I come runnin' to you like a moth into a flame/ You tell me, "Take it easy," but it's easier to say/ Wish I didn't need so much of you/ I hate to say, but I do (Defenceless)

“You might be in an argument, and you’re feeling particularly vulnerable. It’s a bit of a cry for help, really. Lyrically— I’ve always said in the past it’s important for me to be honest, and I think, vulnerable at times, and I think this is definitely one of those songs with a lot of honesty in there.” — Louis for Track by Track

I hope that I'm not asking too much/ Just wanna be loved by you// And I'm too tired to be tough/ Just wanna be loved by you (Defenceless, in that glorious falsetto)

I'm sorry if I say, "I need you"/ But I don't care/ I'm not scared of love (Strong)

Moreover, Louis has been always consistent in equality and fairness, in urging protection for the most vulnerable in the community, in unity and humility, in keeping things real. His charity and generosity have been consistent over time. His album Walls treats the subjects of love and heartbreak with nuance, using gender-neutral pronouns and showing respect to his past and present partners. His music videos have been meaningful and intelligent, visually elegant and emotionally compelling, without the use of nudity. Louis and Charlie have treated the women actors (some of whom are fans) in his videos with care, and it’s wonderful to see.

Addendum:

2017: Modeling clothing designed for women in one of the first solo photoshoots.

2022: Louis’ gentle way with children on tour (x) (x) (x)

[raschuuuu]

WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME BACK? // M.YG angst (Suga)

Summary: You finally had your debut with your girl group with Big Hit entertainment. That was your absolute biggest dream but what happens when you have to decide now? Do you want to live your idol life and let the love of your life go for it? Or do you decide for the life of your life?

Word count: 5k

Genre: angst

warnings: established relationship / swearing / soft yoongi / mentioning of breakups / mentioning of suicide/death

Pairing: Yoongi!idol x female idol!reader

A/N: Hello guuuuys! Today I hope very much that you will like this one here! I didn't get any requests so I want to say it again one more time: FEEL FREE TO SEND ME YOUR REQUESTS!!! 😟🥺It’s my second fanfic on this blog I worked very hard on it so I really really hope you guys will enjoy it. If you guys think I could do anything better or you have another preferences please let me know. I’d be very happy if you guys leave a like so I know you read it and liked it. Another note: English is not my first language I’m very sorry if you guys find any mistakes.. 💔

_____________________________________________________________________________

5th December 2020

What could be better than having a debut just before the year ends? My group and I were supposed to have our debut much earlier but that was  postponed due to the COVID pandemic so it was complicated to have a debut this year but nevertheless our company managed to give us a debut before the year ends and I really have to say it's the best thing that could ever happen to me!

My dream has finally come true. How long was I a trainee? Exactly. Six years. Six freaking years I was hidden behind the scenes of my big and famous company. It feels really shitty to be in the shadow of two famous groups in South Korea. Don't get me wrong I'm a really big fan of BTS and TXT but we got tired of being told that we're going to make our debut but at the end we didn’t. I know the guys from BTS and TXT  personally and we all get along super well even the other members of my group. But to be honest BTS and TXT couldn't wait for our debut to happen and finally it's here (y/g/n) finally gets the recognition.

31st December 2020

Of course our lives have changed dramatically since we made our debut. Of course it's much harder to go out alone now than before. Before I was a nobody. No one knew me but now I don't even dare to go alone to the convenient store that is just around the corner of our dorm. You might think I'm exaggerating a bit but no, unfortunately it's the truth. Nevertheless, I don't want to spoil my idol life. After our debut we had a lot of promotions and interviews. But even before that we didn't have much time because we had to shoot our music video and photo shoots and we were all sent to the hairdresser because our old look was officially bye bye. I’m happy with my new look I think I look so beautiful I can't believe what a haircut and a nice makeup can do to a person.

Today is the 31st of December. New Year's Eve! New year takes place in less than 24 hours! Where am I? I'm at this year's MBC Gayo DaeJeon. My first new year's eve without my family and officially my first new year's eve as an idol. I'm so excited I can't believe it I'm going to be on stage with my girls and I'm meeting other idols how exciting is that. I'm sitting in the makeup room getting my makeup done by our makeup artist and on the side our hairstylist is making me a high ponytail. I hope I'll look good. Dabi, the oldest of our group and therefore our Unni, has just finished and looks adorable. Miso sits to my left and is also getting her make-up and hair done. Hyemi is getting ready after me because she doesn't take up much time. She has the shortest hair of all of us. I’m sitting with my mobile phone in my hand and texting with my mother. Sometimes I wish I could be with her and with my father and my siblings. I miss them all like hell. I haven't seen them since before our debut. I can't wait to hold them all in my arms next time.

(eomma):

y/n we miss you! New year's eve isn't the same without you but hopefully you'll have fun on stage today. We'll all be watching you! Your dad and I your grandparents and your siblings so don't worry we're always with you! Good luck my child fighting! 🎉🎆

I notice how i get tears in my eyes but no I mustn't cry my makeup gets ruined. Just as I want to answer my mother i get a new text on my phone.

(yoongi):

I'm excited to see you tonight! You'll be great I believe in you.

By the way... I guess I didn't tell you that I'm dating Min Yoongi. That's right, Min Yoongi.

flashback

2014

"Y/n! We're about to meet BTS!" says Hyemi as I just walked into the dance practice room. What BTS? The group that made their debut last year? "Really why?" I ask looking at her confused. Apparently all new trainee male or female, are introduced to BTS because they want to give us some nice words and encouragement on our way as trainees. Just as I was about to sit down, the seven men came in the door. One after the other, they passed us by. Wow, these guys can count themselves lucky that their time is up. But one boy in particular stands out to me. He has red hair. Not too light and not too dark, a red that almost goes brown. He is beautiful.

I haven't really informed myself about who BTS is, of course I still have difficulties to remember their names, I just became a trainee before I didn't care who was a trainee here... but this man is beautiful!

Oh crap he looks at me. Why is he looking at me. Someone tell him to look the other way please I’m so awkward I don't know how to act when someone looks at me I better look the other way. The leader said some nice words to us they all wished us luck and said that they can't wait for us to make our debut and that when the day comes they're all gonna be happy and supportive! Really nice of them I never thought that they would do something like that. We all got up and bowed and said thank you, while BTS was about to walk out I saw the red haired boy looking at me one last time before he went out. Crazy man do I have something on my face stop staring!

2015

I started to get to know them better each and every one of them. I get along best with Hoseok and Taehyung. Every now and then we run into each other in the building and talk for a few minutes. We trainees also got to meet all the guys in person, they are all so nice and down to earth I don't regret it one bit that I joined this company! Jungkook is about my age and every now and then we have a few laughs together. Once you are in the company you are like one big family whether it is with the trainees or the staff. However I have not been able to get close to one person and that is Min Yoongi. I don't know what it is but every time he and I are in a room with other people it just gets awkward. I don't know what it is but every time he is near me I feel intimidated and just want to get out of there. We've never spoken a word to be honest maybe it's because he feels awkward around me too? I can't understand why he feels this way I always try to get along with everyone even if i don't want to and make everyone feel comfortable around me because I want it to be mutual. So what's his problem?

2016

I have heard from his members that he has a crush on me and gets shy around me which I totally don't understand because how can anyone be into me? Especially back then! I don't want to go into too much detail but I can tell you that after a while and with the help of Hoseok and Taehyung he and I started texting at some point. We had been friends for a long time but only online. We were both too nervous to meet in person and to be honest that had been impossible because he was busy as fuck and no one was supposed to find out that we were texting. BTS recognition grew more and more each year and he became busier and busier each day. I was of course very happy for everyone and one rainy day in the evening Yoongi appeared out of nowhere on my doorstep and confessed his love to me. I am still overwhelmed by it and it all feels so unreal and like it just happened yesterday, but I went for it and agreed to be his girlfriend.

back to December 31st 2020

For four years we have been hiding our relationship. Nobody knows about it the whole Big Hit staff doesn't know about it and neither do our managers the only ones who know about it are his members and recently my members. I didn't want to tell them until we made our debut together because I was too scared of being told off during my trainee time. But I have to say that the girls stand behind me and accept our relationship and they all swore they would take it to the grave with them.

I quickly turn down the brightness of my screen because there's too much danger of my hairstylist and makeup artist reading the text. I close my phone and put it on my lap. How much I want to answer him but I don't dare I can't answer him when there are too many people around me. After a while we were called and it was finally our turn I'm so nervous but we managed it all with flying colors and we were the topic of the evening.

In a few minutes it's already new year I'm ready and let 2021 come to me. At midnight Yoongi calls me and I answer the phone with joy.

"Happy new year y/n! I love you and I hope we will spend more time together this year even though it will be harder now." I smile to myself and say "Happy new year Yoongi... how is your shoulder? Are you resting enough? Are you eating enough? Are you sleeping enough? Are you in pain? If you are in pain then take a painkiller and go back to the doctor!" I can't see it but I can tell he is grinning and shaking his head. I don't let him get a word in edgewise.

"Don't worry I’m fine I just miss you you're the only painkiller I can take" - "Hahaha yah! You're so corny! I miss you too sweetheart I wish we had spent this new year together... I’m sorry it turned out like this!" I feel really bad because I know he won't be able to spend new year with his boys or me... To be honest we have never had a new year together except on the phone but this time it could have worked out! He is at home with his injury and if we wouldn't have had our debut then we would have had a first new year together after four years of relationship!

January 10th 2021

At the beginning of the new year our manager gave us our schedule plan at it looked hella busy! This whole January we would be completely busy we don't even have one weekend off! I can’t believe it how will I able to see my family or even Yoongi? I saw him at the first weekend of January we spent it together at his family’s house in Daegu behause to be honest that is actually the only place that we can go to a little far away from Seoul without having to worry that any of the staff could know or see us. My family also knows and loves him to death but with my family living in Seoul it’s complicated to take him there. Our manager left the room and I looked at Dabi with the ‘You and I bathroom NOW!’ look she understood and got up from her place and she followed me to the bathroom. We checked if any other person was inside when there wasn’t I said “What the fuck I’m I gonna do now Unni? How am I able to see Yoongi? How will I be able to even go out. I won’t even have time to take the fucking trash out from our dorm when it’s my turn to clean!” I yell. She stands there giving me a confused look. “What do you expect y/n? You chose to have this idol life you know its busy and complicated to have a boyfriend especially as a fresh debuted idol! Why do you think they won't let us have a relationship? I wish I could help you but I can’t. We’re gonna be busy as fuck!” she yelled back. “Psh shut your volume down unni!” she opened the door to see if there was anyone outside but there wasn’t.

I feel bad I really do. I don't want my members to be in trouble because of me that's the last thing I want. I hug her and apologize to her. I have to think of something I don't know what to do. I don't want us to be away from each other for too long what happens when he stops loving me all of a sudden? What do I do when he goes back to work then it will all be worse! Before I became an idol we could always see each other at the end of the day but now it will be impossible. I have to talk to him about it because one thing we promised each other is that we talk about everything because that's the only way a healthy relationship can work and such a complicated relationship we both have. I take out my phone and write him a message.

(me):

Yoongi. Tonight FaceTime date you and me?

In less than two minutes I already get my answer.

(yoongi):

of course!

evening

I turn on my MacBook and call him on FaceTime. After three rings he answers the phone and turns it off too so he doesn't have to hold it in his hand. He still has his bandage on and his hair is wet he must have been in the shower. He wears cute pyjamas and fight me or not but black haired Yoongi is the most beautiful Yoongi. I always fall in love again when I see him. Hard to believe we were so awkward with each other back then but this year is already approaching 5 years together. I could never imagine my life without him. 

"Hey my darling" he says happily and smiles at me. I smile back and ask him how he is. He tells me that he is getting better every day and that during his time off he has found a lot of time for himself and his music and how much he misses the others. And me too, of course. "What's wrong with you?" he asks me when he notices that my mind is somewhere else. I think he took the Facetime date too seriously. He be sitting there with his cup of ramen. I just laugh. "Yoongi... I'm going to be busy all of January and manager oppa said that February might not be any better," I say and wait for his answer. He swallows his noodles and drinks a glass of water. "Does that mean we won't see each other this month?" he asks. I think he's a little disappointed I know him and I know his tones and his looks and I can hear my heart breaking by now. And how much I'd like to see you Yoongi. Every second every day. "No," I say, and then an uncomfortable silence descends. 

“You know what baby it’s fine don't worry. I mean I wasn’t any better back then do you remember when I always used to be so busy? I never had time for you and I felt so bad. But you were there for me and you stayed by my side and you were and still are the most supportive girlfriend I could ever ask for. I think it would be unfair to be mad at you. I’m happy for you forever and always” well that was unexpected. I start getting tears in my eyes. I didn't think of this reaction not at all! I smile at him and say “Thank you baby... I will appreciate it I really do. But still I feel bad because especially in this period where you're sick I wish I could be there for you and take care of you. This debut was so unexpected I’m really sorry” - “Yah don't be sorry y/n. You worked your goddamn fine ass off to be where you're at right now be proud of you this is just the beginning. And it’s not like that we won't see each other ever again right?” he says. He’s right. He’s totally right. It’s not like we won't see each other ever again.

January 17th 2020

Well... seven days passed and we still haven't seen each other and we haven't talked since one week. We text every now and then cause I really only get to use my phone when it's night and we go back home but every night I'm so damn exhausted and tired that I forget to answer to his texts. I don't even have time to text my parents back or my siblings. I feel so bad I'm such a bad person. I miss them all so much. I miss my parents. I miss my sister and my brother. I miss my grandparents. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend so damn much. I really didn't think this life is gonna be so hard for me. I feel like I've been put in the middle of a scale with my career on one side and my relationship on the other side and I have to choose one side or the other. I've never thought about breaking up with Yoongi ever in my life. Never. I just can't. I need this man too much. Even though we never have the most beautiful and perfect relationship and see each other very rarely, it's just the thought that I know there's someone in my life who loves me and accepts me for who I am that counts. He took me with my imperfections he put his career what he loves most in his life in risk to be with me and now that we are both in this situation I don't know what to do I feel bad and selfish for even thinking about it I don't want to make him feel like my career is more important than him or our relationship he doesn't deserve that he deserves the world and he deserves to be happy. But I love my career I love my job I love my members I love our staff I love our fans. Our biggest fear was not being accepted by the society outside especially now in this period when BTS is one of the biggest groups in the whole world and have a very big influence in the KPOP industry. We were afraid that society would think that since we are the first girl group to make a Big Hit debut in a very long time that people would think that we would mess with the boys heads or that there would be any rumors started between us and the other groups. But on the contrary people have been happy for us and love our music and us individually. I feel like Hannah Montana I feel like I am living a double life.

20th January 2021

"I know you are overwhelmed with the situation my child, I can imagine that it is very hard for you but you have to know what is best for you. You can't tell anyone from your company, you are a rookie, if they find out you had a boyfriend during your trainee time then it is even worse. I wish I was with you and could help you or just be there for you. I love Yoongi very much but I love you even more and I am happy with any decision you make. Just make the right one" my mother says on the phone. Tears have been flowing since she got on the phone but I don't want to tell her and I try not to sob but I know she can tell by my tone that I am crying. She is right. I have to make a decision. Yoongi is getting better day by day and soon he will be busy too he will go back to his daily routine and the other members. He will have comebacks he will have dance practices he will have to go to the recording studio he will have photo shoots he will do interviews and when the corona situation allows he will have to go to other countries and I have to do the same.

I love him to death and I will never love anyone as much as I love him but I am just not happy like this and you can tell me what you want he is not either but he doesn't let it show. Yesterday on the phone there was such an awkward tension between us it felt like I was making small talk with a stranger. Even though I might be the bad guy but one of us has to make the first move. I have wished and hoped that this day will never come but I have to do it.

23 January 2021

Yoongi told me that he is back in his flat in Seoul with his mother. Unfortunately he still can't travel alone so his dear mum went with him. I missed her too, she's the nicest and sweetest woman ever. When I imagine that I won't see her again either, tears well up in my eyes. But today I have to do it. Who would have thought that our reunion would be like this? Who would have thought that I would break up with him. He won't expect it but I have to do it. I’m cold and sick and I just want to go to bed and get the day over with. It's 11pm at night and we've come home after a long hard day. I look out the window and wait until our manager is out of sight.

My members know about my plans and of course have asked me a million times if I am sure and if there is no other way out. I am very happy that they are worried about me but I also feel bad towards them. I have been hiding it from them all our trainee years and when I told them they were all so good about it and even want me not to do it. But no I will do it I am young and want to concentrate on my career and what is coming up for us.

I told Yoongi that I would come, of course he doesn't want to because it's way too late but I said it was important and that we had to talk about something. When I said we had to talk about something he was quiet and then just said he would wait for me. I put on a hat and a thick jacket and the hood of the jacket and a mask and a scarf and go out into the high snow that has covered Seoul. His flat is not far from mine but still I have to take a taxi. I ask the driver to wait for me because I don't want to stay there long I want to get it over with quickly and go.

(me):

can you come down?

(yoongi):

why don't you come up?

(me):

I think its better when you come down Yoongi I don't want your mom to be worried or hears any of that were gonna talk.

He doesn't text back instead I just see the lights turning on from his window. A few minutes later he comes down. Oh my fucking lord he is so handsome. I want to run up to him and kiss him from head to toe. I want to be in his arms. I want us to go upstairs together and fall asleep together. I want to build a snowman with him. I want to be with him forever I love him he is the love of my life.

He comes up to me and smiles at me. He stands in front of me and we both don't say a word. His smile turns into a confused look he notices something is wrong. "Don't I get a kiss or a hug?" he asks me. My heart breaks into a thousand pieces. I would love to rip your clothes off Min Yoongi.

"I want to break up." Silence. Silence. Silence. Silence. "Yoongi say something?" I ask him. He says nothing. He looks at me with a blank look he is sad he is disappointed he is devastated just like me. "Yoongi please?". He does not speak.

"Yoongi, I'm sorry. I-i-I really love you I love you more than anything but I know that I can't give 100% in our relationship now. I just want us to be happy but I see that we are not. It could have been great during your time off but I can't be there for you... sooner or later it should have happened. I want to be with you but I can't anymore it was okay then but it's not okay now we're both famous you're in the biggest boy group in the world if anyone finds out we're together we'll be screwed. Especially me Yoongi. Female idols have it harder than male idols you know that. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time and I think this will be the best thing for us I-" he interrupts me.

"How dare you to tell me what's best for me? Do you have any idea what you're talking about y/n? Stop trying to tell me what's best for me when you know you're the best thing that's ever happened to me in my life god damn. I was going through a difficult time in my life and you were the only one who was there for me! And now you're telling me let’s break up because you're afraid people are gonna find out? And that they are gonna blame you? The fuck? Theres always two fucking persons in a relationship y/n! I also wanted that. I wanted you. Don’t you love me anymore? Why don’t you love me anymore? We hid our relationship for four fucking years why can't we hide it now?" he said yelling at me.

 I am shocked and sad I want to die. I don't want to live in this life without Min Yoongi. But I know it's best for us I do it for him and his career too.

"Yes I don't love you anymore" were my last words before I left.

________________________________________________________________________________

A/N: damn y/n!!! did you just break up with the mf min yoongi? you better save your relationship! guys if you want a part two (with maybe a happy ending?) let me know! love you bye 🎀

[pale-silver-comb]

Hi. I love your blog and all the little headcannons (canon?) you do. I also noticed you're amazing for writing little stories for people who are having a tough time. Would it be too much to ask if I could have one? I'm suffering from a bout of depression/insomnia and I'm running on about 4 hours sleep in about 3 days. What do you think of Derek or Stiles getting insomnia from all the stuff they've seen and the other just cuddling them through it? Trying to stay awake so they're not alone?

Hey, sweetheart. The depression/insomnia combo is horrible. I don’t know if it will work for you but earlier this year I stumbled upon ASMR videos. I know some people find them weird but they really helped me when it came to getting to sleep. In the mean time, I hope this little fic does something to help. 

Stiles thought being able to sleep after the Nogitsune had been the universe’s way of balancing out the good and bad in his life: get possessed by a psychotic Japanese fox but sleep like a baby every night after. As it turned out, being able to sleep after a spirit uses your body to murder a bunch of people came down to the fact Stiles hadn’t had a break since finding Laura Hale’s body that night in the woods.   

He believed joining the academy would be a fresh start, and in many ways it was. He just didn’t count on the fact that now he didn’t have pure evil trying to kill him at every waking moment that his brain would finally find time to process it. Stiles had always been a fan of ignoring his problems until they eventually, just, go away; watching his friends die, looking down at his own body and knowing it wasn’t really his but the cardboard cutout left behind by the Nogitsune, the memory of watching Derek almost -

He assumed - stupidly - that he had been successful in that particular endeavour. As long as he had his pillow, he was fine. You’re going to be fine. That was what the faceless people of the internet said. Stiles didn’t think “fine” was ever going to be an option for him but he guessed hope was a nice sentiment. 

“Insomnia,” Scott said, repeating the word back to him. Stiles could practically hear the concern, loud and clear, ringing through the phone. It instantly made him feel worse. Heaving a sigh, he scrubbed a tired hand down his face. Maybe he shouldn’t have called.  

“Yes, insomnia.”

Scott was quiet for several seconds.  “Do you have your pillow?” he asked. 

“Yes,” Stiles answered. He was currently clutching it to his chest, sprawled out on his bedroom floor. It was 3am, the floor was hard, and if he didn’t get some sleep soon he was going to start crying; the kind of crying he hadn’t done since he was a kid and his mom took ill. 

“What about drugs?” Scott suggested. “I could ask my mom-”

“No drugs, Scott.”

“But-”

“I said no drugs, Scott.” 

The line went quiet again and Stiles felt his eyes begin to sting. This was a mistake.

“Sorry, man, I have to go.” 

He hung up before Scott could respond, deciding he could feel guilty about it later.

~

At the academy, he was on auto-pilot. Luckily, Stiles had come up with some of his best plans during the last four years on little-to-no sleep, so it wasn’t overly obvious to his fellow agents-in-training that he needed several cups on coffee just to get through the day.

It was obvious to someone though. Someone who clearly thought it was their sworn duty to haul Stiles over their shoulder in the middle of his third run to the coffee shop that day and deposit him in the back of their car. 

Stiles wanted to protest - he should protest, call for help, maybe? - but he had had his eyes closed when the stranger grabbed him, had been drooling on a statue, leaning against it for moral support, as he had waited for his order.

Plus, the stranger’s arms felt nice. 

In the back of his mind, Stiles couldn’t decide if thinking a stranger’s arms felt nice during a potential kidnapping - fuck, please don’t let it be a supernatural kidnapping - was because of his sleep deprived state or if that was just the way he was wired now. 

It was only when a door opened and a familiar pair of eyebrows slid into the driver’s seat did Stiles begin to laugh. Hysterically. 

“Of course,” he said, shaking his head and pressing his lips against the cool leather interior. Familiar hands strapped him into the his seat. “Of course it’s you, big guy.”

Derek just gave a slight huff and muttered something Stiles couldn’t hear, but it sounded an awful lot like, yeah, I missed you, too. 

Stiles laughed again. It was crazy, what your mind came up with when it wasn’t functioning properly. 

~

Stiles didn’t sleep on the way to….wherever Derek was driving them, but he also wasn’t present enough to argue when Derek lifted him out of the car and carried him up several flights of stairs. 

“Hey, dude,” Stiles slurred, suddenly very, very comfortable. He wrapped his arms around Derek’s neck and nuzzled into the power of The Scruff. He wasn’t ashamed to admit he had thought about nuzzling Derek’s beard more than once. “Where have you been?” He yawned, nuzzled in further. “Also, you’re a fucking built teady bear, did you know that?” 

Derek stopped at a door - hopefully is own - and manoeuvred Stiles until he took the hint and wrapped his legs around Derek’s waist. It wasn’t as good a position but Stiles would take it, shooting finger guns behind Derek’s back as he heard the sound of keys jingling. It was definitely his apartment then. What a good sourwolf. 

“Were you getting better?” he asked, when Derek didn’t answer. He yawned again and tried to muffle the sound against Derek’s neck. “Man, I hope you were. Hope you got a bunch of nice friends and a barbecue. I always thought you’d look good with a barbecue. I’m going to be in law enforcement. How crazy is that? I’m finally going to get a gun.” 

Derek snorted but it was the kind of sort that could also be construed as fond. Stiles didn’t know why, but it made something in his stomach ache, just a little.

Man, he was tired. 

“I got better, Stiles,” Derek whispered, carrying him inside…..somewhere that was much nicer than Derek’s old loft and definitely nicer than that train depot. Stiles shuddered at the memory of it. He could only make out a couch and a rug so far, his eyes felt so heavy, but it was a bright couch and rug: blue and orange, respectively. Stiles grinned. Derek was a secret Mets fan, he knew it. 

Derek snorted again and muttered something about Stiles having poor taste in baseball. 

Stiles was about to say something, because excuse you, but Derek beat him to it.

“Shhh,” he said, entering another room. A bedroom. It was huge with a massive window. In the corner was the biggest book case Stiles had ever seen. “It’s okay. I’ve got you this time. I’ve got you.”

Stiles let the words wash over him like a balm. He didn’t even know he needed those words but apparently he did. Apparently he needed them a lot. He kind of wanted to cry and again, he didn’t know why. 

Stupid Derek Hale, making him feel things. Always making him feel things.  

“That sounds nice,” he said instead, eyes permanently glued shut now. They were never going to open again. It was decided. This was his final resting place. In Derek Hale’s bed. “Please don’t leave this time.” 

What a way to go. 

~

When he woke, it was 3am again. Stiles’ first, miserable thought was, it’s always going to be like this, but then he stared a little closer at the alarm clock.

First of all, it was an actual clock, not just his phone. Secondly, there was a picture of Cora next to it. The last time he checked, he did not have a picture of Cora on his night stand. For another scary moment, he thought he might have amnesia but he quickly ruled it out. Not that he didn’t like Cora but she was definitely not the Hale he’d choose to have a picture of next to his bed. 

“I called the academy,” Derek said, making Stiles jump. He was standing in his bedroom doorway, carrying a mug and what looked like….a historical novel. Stiles bit his lip hard, more than a little amused by the cover: two guys, locked in an embrace, wearing togas. “I told them you had a fever and were pretty out of it. Said you’d be back Monday.” 

Stiles frowned, tearing his eyes away from the book. He’d tease Derek about it later. “What day is it today?” 

“Friday.” 

Derek stepped hesitantly into the room and handed Stiles the mug. It was filled to the brim with milk. Strawberry milk. Stiles smiled, feeling a little shy, and took it, wondered if Derek Hale was the type that drank strawberry milk now or if he just spent the last hour in some supermarket debating whether or not to add it to his basket. 

Stiles kind of hoped it was the second one. Derek Hale in a supermarket; now there was an image. 

“So,” he grinned, not entirely certain if this was about to slide on down to awkward territory or not. Derek was back. He was in DC. The last Stiles heard, he was in France. “I half passed out in some coffee shop and you just happened to be passing by? I always knew you were a creeper Derek, but really?” 

Derek raised an eyebrow - ah, there we go - and Stiles dropped his grin, looked down instead. He was wearing a jumper over the t-shirt he had been wearing yesterday. It was soft and smelled strongly of coffee. Inhaling, Stiles briefly wondered if it was possible to breathe in the caffeine. He’d never been a coffee drinker - milkshakes all the way - and if he had to stare down one more cup just to stay awake, he didn’t know what he was going to do. 

“Actually, you passed out in the coffee shop where I work,” Derek said, causing Stiles to look up so fast he practically fell out of the bed. The picture of Cora went flying and what once was very delicious strawberry milk, he was sure, was now a giant pink stain on Derek’s bed. 

“Um,” he said, trying to look more sad about Derek’s sheets rather than the loss of his milk. He had no doubt he failed. “Oops?”  

Derek’s other eyebrow rose to meet his first, before he ducked his head and smiled. Stiles had the strongest, stupidest urge to say, please never stop doing that for as long as you live. 

“Is it that unlikely for me to be working in a coffee shop?” Derek asked, looking up again. Stiles couldn’t read his face but somehow he knew he wasn’t waiting for a punch line. 

“Derek Hale: barista.” Stiles tried it out on his tongue. “I like it. Do you threaten people with your teeth when they’re rude to you?” He waggled his eyebrows and winked, lying back down more fully on the bed. “Wait. Do you help bake the pastries?” Shifting to the other side of the bed, he buried his nose in what he assumed was Derek’s pillow and shamelessly breathed in. Whatever, he could blame it on his lack of sleep later.  

Derek laughed, light and lovely, and Stiles was a little more than instantly smitten. Then again, he’d always been just a little instantly smitten with Derek, hadn’t he? Even when he used to fantasise about punching him in the face. 

“No,” Derek said, “but I do spit in their drinks.”

“Classy.” Stiles nodded slowly and tried to remember the last time he saw Derek look like this: happy, like his whole life hadn’t fallen apart when he was sixteen. It was sad that the answer to that was never. Even through all the fucked up weirdness during the past four years, Stiles at least had had snatched moments of normality. 

He wondered if Derek had gotten to see the new Spiderman movie yet.  

“Hey, Sourwolf?” he asked. “What are you doing until Monday?” 

~

Stiles still didn’t sleep. 

He didn’t think it would be as easy as having someone to sleep next to, having someone to hold and be held by. But it was easier. When he felt like screaming, Derek was right there. He listened to him, listened to every thought that entered his head and poured out of his mouth - the good, the bad and the ugly. 

Derek opened up the coffee shop for him sometimes and made him hot chocolate and talked more than Stiles had ever heard him talk; he told him about his year travelling around the world and the three months he stayed with Cora. He talked about his family. He told him how Isaac was getting on and that having this job was the first time he felt good about himself. He talked for an hour, one night, about the youth group sessions his colleague ran for troubled kids and how he sometimes went along, fully shifted, and let the kids pet him. 

“I knew you secretly liked belly rubs,” Stiles accused him, spraying his buttered scone everywhere. Derek grimaced. “I had a dream about that once, the night you left.” He felt his cheeks flush and watched as Derek blinked and did the same, before reaching out and lacing his fingers through Stiles’.

It was the first time Derek had ever held his hand and Stiles had to admit, it was a pretty damn good feeling. 

“Sometimes I dream of you, too,” Derek said, biting his lip. “I dream of you a lot, actually.” He rolled his eyes. “You’re usually talking me ear off about something.” 

Stiles laughed. “Hey! How do you know that wasn’t really me? I could have been trying to reach out to you, dude!” 

The air went tense - Stiles had already told Derek about the dread doctors - and they stared at each other. 

“I suppose,” Derek said, shrugging, “but….”

“But?”

Derek took a deep breath and averted his gaze. “But in my dreams you were always….you always returned my….” He frowned and stood up, going to make himself another piece of toast. Stiles had learned that Derek was a bit of a toast fiend, especially when there was chocolate spread on the go. He no longer had that ridiculous six pack, either, Stiles had noted fondly. Not that he still didn’t look like a Greek God. 

“I always returned your what?” He was almost afraid to ask, in case it wasn’t what he thought, in case it was what he thought. “You know, Derek, we’ve always had a pretty solid relationship based on mutual exchange. You save me, I save you. I’m cool with, you know, carrying on that….tradition.”

Derek’s eyes lifted to meet his, toast half smothered in something that smelled like chocolate and hazelnut. It’s going to get cold, Stiles thought distractedly, staring at it. Getting up and walking over to him, Stiles leaned across the counter that Derek was standing behind - he looked like an adorable little kid, like he was hiding, hunched over. He took a bite of the toast. 

Derek zeroed in on the chocolate spread now sticking to Stiles’ chin and blinked, like he was realising something. 

“You know I’m not ready for something…..like that, right?” he asked, looking away. His hands were shaking a little. 

“Well, neither am I,” Stiles said, climbing on top of the counter, until he could put both hands on Derek’s shoulder. “All I’m asking is for someone to make me hot chocolate when I can’t sleep and for that person to sign a contract saying a full night of spooning is not an unreasonable demand.” He took in Derek’s tired eyes, the nervous slope of his mouth, and wondered how much better Derek had really gotten. How far away he really managed to get from it all. 

“I’d do the same for them,” he continued. “I mean, I don’t have a fancy ass coffee shop or anything, but I always keep ice cream in the freezer. Plus, I have all the Harry Potter movies on DVD and a kick ass Star Wars blanket.” 

Derek slowly looked up, smiled at him. The tips of his ears were pink. “And how do you feel about versatile spooning rights?” He coughed. “Is that in the contract?” 

Stiles pretended to think about that, even though it was a lost cause. He knew Derek would hear the way his heart was thumping treacherously away at the prospect. “Okay but I get to be the big spoon, like, at least seventy percent of the time. I like being held okay? I do but holding you -” Stiles froze, eyes widening. “Uh, I mean….holding someone. Holding someone has always appealed to me more.”

Derek narrowed his eyes and held up the toast for Stiles to take another bite. Stiles wasn’t sure if feeding him was a werewolf thing or a Derek thing, but Stiles found he liked it. It had been happening a lot lately. 

“Does that mean I’m going to have to suffer you talking in my ear seventy percent of the time? Because if you are, I’m going to have to invest in a pair of ear muffs.” 

Stiles smacked him across the shoulder and Derek grinned. 

“Just kidding,” he said. 

Sudden drowsiness swept over Stiles then - he was never going to catch up on all his lost sleep -  and he rested his forehead against Derek’s. It felt nice, really nice, and a terrifying thought came into his head. Terrifying because it didn’t even scare him that much: I could do this forever. 

“Let’s go home?” Derek asked, cautiously. 

It took them both a minute to realise what he had said. 

Stiles grinned, offering Derek the last bite of toast. “Yeah, Mr Barista Man, home sounds like a good place to start.”  

[dubusaurus]

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