#surgery regret happens dude

[alixismix]

surgical transition, or sterilization, or whatever... is exactly the same.>

ah see, I don't agree only because that means suicide is a right and, ig depending on the context sure. But this one, where it can be helped, it can be negated with maturity and time; no. I don't agree.

Surgery regret is a thing and happens a lot more than people think. And if you give them the right to do that, to self harm and mutilate, you're giving them the right to ruin and end their lives.

psst. hey

people who are legal adults who want their tubes tied or top surgery etc etc should be able to do so full stop.

"oh but what if they regret it for the rest of their lives"

okay. so what.

Adults make decisions about our lives, that's what being an adult is. We may decide to get a face tattoo, or quit a promising job, or join the army, or move to another country.

That's practically all we do as adults. We make decisions that effect the rest of our life, and then we live, or sometimes die, accordingly. Maybe i'll spend the rest of my life regretting telling my influential boss he doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground, but, as an adult, that's the kind of life decision i am allowed to make for myself. And after all, it might be the best thing i ever did. It's my life, and i get to do all the fucking around and all the finding out i want to.

surgical transition, or sterilization, or whatever... is exactly the same. If you aren't going to let a legally adult person decide for themself about that stuff, then you can't let them get a tattoo or move to Florida either

[kaye-go-moo]

Shapes and Strange Ciphers AU: Twins

SaSC by me

Shapes and Pines by @/void-dude

Next Part

Background

Stanley and Stanford Pines are twin Euclydian ovals with eye mutations. Stanford has two eyes, one on his side, the other on his face. Stanley has one eye on his side with a split pupil. Both could see the stars, Stanford better than Stanley, but they wanted others to see them.

After years of planning, Stanford had devised a way to show everyone the stars, and Stan's help was crucial. However, when it came time, Stanley wasn't there. He was late and Stanford had grown impatient. He's waited all his life to show everyone what they could see, to prove he and his brother weren’t crazy.

He justified doing the plan without Stanley, telling himself that it was nothing more than an insignificant role he could easily fill. So Ford [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]. It was all gone.

Stanley

Stanley found himself outside of his now destroyed dimension. He remembers bits and pieces of what happened – hearing [][][][][][][], seeing [][][][][][][], and feeling a searing pain in his right shoulder before everything went black. The only thing he knew for sure was that Ford and his plan had caused it. However, Stan didn't blame Ford for what happened. He blamed himself. If he had been there, Ford's plan would've worked. He was a genius whose plans never failed, and Stan was the idiot who dragged him down.

-

Stan traveled the multiverse, plagued by guilt and regret. For years, he tried to rebuild his life, but his self-hatred led to self-sabotage, leaving him back at square one. Eventually, Stan turned toward a life of crime, fueling his cycle of self-destructive. Each prison sentence made it harder for Stan to find a reason to keep going. If he was going to rot in a cell or be on the run for all of eternity, then what was the point? It wasn't until he discovered Ford was still alive that Stan finally found a reason to keep moving.

Stan wanted nothing more than to find his brother and apologize, but he held back, telling himself he wasn't good enough. In their time apart, Ford had who had become a powerful and well-known figure, while Stan had only become a low-life criminal. He needed to prove to Ford that he wasn't the same screw-up, that he could be better–he could be perfect.

Stan spent the next hundred eons improving himself–even got surgery to fix his eye, though he still needed glasses. Along the way, he heard plenty of great things about his brother, but he also some alarming ones. Still, he would convince himself that people had gotten the details wrong or just didn’t understand Ford's intentions. After all, Stan's brother was kind and caring. Sure, Ford had his moments of lashing out, but who hasn't? And, yeah, a lot can change in the years they spent apart, but certainly not enough to turn Ford into some kind of monster… right?

-

Stan's past criminal actions were catching up to him, bringing some very angry people along for the ride–old partners Stan had burned and were now looking for revenge. If Stan could deal with them first, he'd have a much easier time improving his life. He thought getting more money would help him pay them off, so he tried finding a job, but his criminal history made that nearly impossible. This forced Stan to keep committing crimes. He didn’t want to, fearing Ford would disapprove of his criminal past, but he wasn't left with much of a choice.

By the time Stan was confronted by one of his former partners, he still hadn't managed to collect much money. He was chased down, cornered, and on the brink of receiving a brutal beatdown when a 'backdoor' to another world opened nearby. Without hesitation, Stan jumped in.

Stanford

Stanford was left with the wreckage of his home. His mind went into immediate damage control, deluding himself into believing everything was Stanley's fault. If only Stanley listened to him and had arrived when told, none of this would've happened. They could be watching the stars with their family if Stanley wasn't such an idiot. Stanford is a genius whose plans never fail, but Stanley ruined that. He should've never trusted Stanley with such an important plan because now Stanford was alone, his entire family was dead.

-

Stanford traveled the multiverse, using the knowledge he gained and the things he researched to distract himself. Forget stars. They were nothing more than balls of gas, and there were greater things to discover. He began to seek not just knowledge but power. His unchecked narcissism led him to conquer worlds, doing whatever he pleased.

Along his travels, Ford met many creatures. The few he found interesting or useful would be offered to join him and gain knowledge. However, if they no longer served use or started to become burdens, Ford would [][][][][][][][][][]. He didn’t need anyone slowing him down, he didn’t need more Stans.

Ford would do anything to further his research and allowed nothing to get in his way, not even himself. Only one of Ford's eyes could see in front of him, the other was on his side, 'getting in the way.' With the help of one of his 'friends' he got rid of his 'useless' eye. The surgery left Ford with a chunk of his form missing. However, his eyesight did not improve. He'd lived with both eyes all his life, so his eyesight needed time to adjust. As a result, Ford started wearing glasses.

Ford had made quite the name for himself. He was either a bringer of great knowledge or destruction. People created shrines, some out of respect and many out of fear. Ford had traveled far and wide, leaving a scar of devastation that crossed the multiverse.

However, Ford eventually became bored. He had access to so much, but it all felt so small. He wanted to explore places he couldn’t reach but realized his form was too limited. He needed something better. He deserved better. He needed pawns and knew exactly where he could get them, from a place he could only access through the minds of lower beings. It had been years since Ford's last visit, but he had already left his mark. It was only a matter of time until someone useful came along and found it.

_____

Lore comments

[our-transmasculine-experience]

I’m genderfluid but I use the label transmasc as well? Just putting that out there ahdhdjdj but anyways my mum found a book in a book shop called Why Your Kid Thinks They’re Trans and its written by gender specalists. But they mention Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria and that they don’t call transfems by transfems but by ‘trans identifying male’ and vice versa for trans mascs. And my mum is convinced this book isn’t transphobic. I really want to read the book to see what they have to say and show my mum that its transphobic but she says that it’ll start to many arguments since she agrees with some of the points in the book and I’m kind of worried? Like she’s always been supportive, maybe a bit akward at times but overall ok but yeah.

Also I’m a minor and she keeps saying if I get top surgery when I’m in my 20’s that I’ll regret it and keeps trying to find friends of hers that have had chest related surgeries to be like ‘hey look this happened to them for health reasons don’t do it’ so yeah. uhhh sorry for all that

holy shit i am so sorry. i hope your mom realizes that it’s transphobic and comes around.

best of luck, dude.

[pickledclowns]

Alright so for pride and the sake of visibility I thought I'd share my chest. I had top surgery February 14th 2023 and my surgical recovery was finally done September(ish) 2023. A lot of stuff online has a lot of trans masculine people, or any trans person who goes through any surgery, represented with very neat very subtle top surgery scars and I wanted to share my "not ideal" results. So, how did this happen and why? My mom died of breast cancer so I wasn't able to keep any breast tissue to resulting in what is called a large crater deformity that caused my chest to be literally concave. If you have a potential risk of genetic breast cancer this will likely also be suggested to you. I promise no amount of vanity is worth breast cancer. Within the first 48 hours of my recovery I ended up having a hematoma (blood pooling under the skin) due to not being informed I had to stuff my compression vest with towels to increase compression outside of just the vest, because my chest was literally concave. Blood filled the cavity and caused pressure to build behind my skin turning a 6 week recovery into a 6 month recovery with VHS sized hole in my chest. This happened because a small square of skin had died and couldn't be saved. Ultimately one of my nipples was in that square of dead skin and had to be removed. I also have large dog tags and hormonal acne scars. All of these things are considered not ideal and unattractive.

So do I like my body? Ultimately I feel like there is so much pressure to conform to a certain aesthetic so that cis people will find us valid so that cis people could find us attractive (more like everyone has to find us attractive). That isn't even touching on being a fat trans dude. I was confined to a binder for my 8 hour work shift and I was unable to do anything else for the rest of the day so long as I wanted to pass (which i do and did at the time). Regardless of how it looks I can go wherever I want and do whatever I want without fear of injury and that is HUGE and has made a HUGE impact on my life and my ability to enjoy myself. I can't say this is the ideal form of my body but I don't think I dislike myself. My results aren't perfect but in the reality of my life I wouldn't go back and change things. I don't consider my surgery botched, I don't consider my surgeon bad she did everything she could for free post surgery to help me recover from this including giving me medical supplies for my recovery. Why share this? Can you change how you look? I haven't shared these in the past because I feel like not being the most attractive trans person, or your surgery going into places you weren't expecting gives a lot of trans people anxiety like we are giving cis people and TERFS ammunition to be cruel to us. Part of the reason I tagged my photos with my URL is because I didn't want someone to steal my photos and start larping as a detrans regret story. But I don't think my body is inherently unattractive because I had surgical complications I just think we've been conditioned to see results like mine as unattractive. You will find similar sentiments amongst any group with body differences. Regardless of all of these potential problems the lack of representation for people like me who have had surgery and you don't come out looking like a skinny/hunky cis passing dude that all the girls swoon over is evident. Other people like me exist and I need everyone cis and trans alike to acknowledge the existence of "non ideal" surgical outcomes. From my research ultimately 5-10%~ of people who undergo any surgical breast augmentation will deal with necrosis (dead skin). [1][2] Ultimately necrosis and any other type of complication is something that needs to be weighed before you have surgery. For me I couldn't enjoy my life with giant sacks of fat on my chest and I couldn't do anything outside of work. For me the surgery was worth it and I'd do it all over again even if it meant having worse aesthetic outcomes than I do now. I also maintain control over my body. Once my nerves stop freaking me out and finish regrowing I plan on getting tattoos to help enhance the way I feel about my chest. Further this isn't what I looked like in September of 2023. I've been hitting the gym to put it lightly and my chest has filled out and will continue to fill out over time. Won't get rid of my scar but I'm looking forward to sharing more photos once I get what I want from my efforts. So yeah there it all is. I didn't have to share this but I wanted to. I wanted other people to feel not as alone as I did in recovery. It was worth it and I am happy in my body. Go forth and be free. Happy pride everyone!

[cononeillbreastingboobily]

I heard a phrase once that goes something like "growth lies outside the comfort zone".

And holy shit my dudes. It's right.

In just 9 days I've spent at a hospital, I changed. I can't say "completely", but... Wait, no, I can!

I came out of the hospital a different person than the one who entered it, and I genuinely mean it. I described it in many ways. "As if somebody broke me out of my shell", "like I don't have a layer I used to have" or simply "I'm back". It feels... So good, yet so unfamiliar.

Everyone I talked to since I came home who knew me before then, is shocked. They say I smile more, I have a completely different energy, they say I got my spark back that I used to have when I was a child.

I think what happened was the result of many, many things, but mainly:

• Being forced to confront my trauma head on

Hospitals. I had some very painful surgeries, as well as painful and humiliating testing done when I was a child. It screwed me up in so many ways that I can't even articulate to this day. I experienced A Lot of physical and emotional pain during this recent hospital stay. I didn't run from it, couldn't. And I do have to say it contributed to my experience, can't describe in what way exactly just yet.

• Having no privacy and thus, no space to suffer in silence. And thus, having no choice but to let people in

Sharing a room with 4 people, I hardly had any space for myself, except for my bed and nightstand. I tend to cry all by myself when I'm going through something. At the hospital I was going through A Lot, and yet I couldn't hide from curious eyes.

• Having people do many uncomfortable things to my body, and having to just go with it

Well, it's not like I didn't have a say in whether certain things happened to me. I could potentially protest if I didn't want to have some testing done or didn't want someone to wipe me down etc. But my desire to reach a diagnosis was so strong that my limitations in that regard dissolved rapidly. Plus, like. These people are at work. I'm not gonna let my embarrassment keep them from getting their jobs done. Otherwise we would be here all day.

• Being taken seriously, but gently

I was faced with so much kindness during my hospital stay. It helped me remember that somewhere out there the world can be really kind and that there are good people out there. I think I completely forgot about that.

• Being given hope

I didn't realise just how much I had given up on myself and just life in general, over the past few months. And yet I had people gently hold my hands on 3 separate occasions and tell me "It's gonna be okay". How does one not start to believe it even just a little bit after that?

• Being reminded of my passions

I had a very intense talk with the head of the department that took me in. He asked me about my gifts and abilities, and pointed out other ones I missed. I kept finding myself thinking of more I could've mentioned days later.

• Being shown a way forward

This ties in with the point I made two paragraphs before, but I do think it deserves it's separate section. Along with the hope that I might get a full diagnosis, and that what I'm suffering from right now is reversible, I had a spark lit up in me, one that I lost a long, long time ago. I was reminded that I love to learn new things, and that I want to go and study new topics. I'm going back to uni! This time a post-graduate program tho, I'm not pursuing a degree (⁠◡⁠ ⁠ω⁠ ⁠◡⁠)

So, there you have it. I knoooow that these are highly personal and subjective, but I'd regret if I didn't share my experiences and observations even a little bit. If by sharing this I inspire just one person to do and change something, or to look at things differently, I would consider it as a job well done.

[gravityghosts]

Review of the debate:

Trump, unsurprisingly, kept going off about complete bullshit

Harris looked like about how I did but kudos to her for not laughing in his face bc I absofuckinglutely would’ve. Better than Biden looking like he wanted to kill himself several times over.

Had to watch it for my social psychology class and trumps “it never would’ve happened under me” or whatever he said is literally a perfect definition for the FAE tho so at least I know what I’m talking abt for my assignment

The moderators also had me fucking dying re: “okay but the question was: do YOU have any regrets” being asked multiple time and the passive aggressive “we know the peaceful change of power is vital to our democracy” dude probs wanted to go OFF. Love the “there is No state where you can execute a baby after it’s been born” as well

Genuinely have no clue where the transgender illegal immigrants prison surgery came from but can i have one too

[rainsnires]

ok this is gonna be a lil bit of a ramble but egg culture fucking sucks dude

I see people like finnster joking about being "peer pressured into being trans" and his whole audience constantly misgendering him and spamming his chat with "egg moment haha" and all that while he's clearly uncomfortable and it's just so gross and invasive to see a GNC person and start insisting to them that they're really trans and just don't know it yet, they'll figure it out eventually, the closet is glass, et cetera.

Idk like really quick it starts to feel like a lot of people, cis or trans, aren't as chill with gender nonconformity as they claim to be. Is it really so hard to believe that a very feminine presenting person isn't a woman or a very masculine presenting person isn't a man? Or "at least" nonbinary? Why are we back to "girl long hair and makeup boy short hair and football"? Why is it acceptable to misgender me by continuing to use they/them pronouns after I've said my pronouns are she/her? When I break it down, I feel like egg culture really just becomes thinly veiled garden variety transphobia and homophobia. It comes down to "if you're REALLY a man/woman, why do you look/sound like that?"

And obviously the big issue is that terfs and conservatives tend to LEAP on this kind of thing, which is frustrating to someone like me, more or less cisgender and very GNC, because stories like mine are so so often used to discredit and harm trans people and so I have to be careful where and how I share my experiences to prevent that from happening. Like yes, I identified as trans for a while and now mostly don't, but that doesn't mean I regret my physical transition (hell i'm still on T and don't plan to stop, and top surgery is one of the single best things i've done for my quality of life ever) and it doesn't mean people can use my story as a weapon to tell people they don't know who they are. In either direction, whether that's telling a GNC cis person they're really trans or telling a trans person they're really cis. Just believe people when they tell you who they are, and let them learn and grow at their own pace, in their own way.

[ovaruling]

negative self talk incoming for whoever needs that idek

regular daily update that i regret having my like 99999 cosmetic surgeries so much and i dont even want to put the exhaustive energy into accepting my face and body atp anymore bc they remain utter strangers who i hate

and despite all of the feminist theory i have read and comprehended and applied to the way i see the world i STILL cannot rid myself of this very specific form of self-hatred and im not even being defeatist when i say i truly know that i will never be at peace bc of the choices i have made. like how can i ever be ok with this. i’d have to be lobotomized to be cool with this

and even besides that the chronic physical pain and damage to my actual nervous system won’t allow me a moment of forgetfulness. like on an amazing day where i’m full of caffeine or xanax i can MAYBE forget what i look like for an hour but it’s impossible to forget that i literally cant physically feel my entire torso and abdomen and buttocks and my upper back and my inner thighs and upper arms and underarms and my jaw and cheeks

but also at the same time i can feel incredible levels of stabbing numb shocks of pain in all of them lmfao.

exercising helps for a bit and reminds me that i can at least move my body around but i always gotta come back to reality where i have to confront that i’m genuinely permanently ill and legitimately brain damaged. like neurologically

and bc of that i went from being a normal adult 10 years ago to now i cant hold a job, cant go back and attend school, cant drive a car anymore, need IV treatments weekly, no independence, no ability to even volunteer for longer than an hour at local animal shelters before i start having problems bc i cant explain to anyone why i need to lie down every 2 hours or else i legitimately go numb and pass out no matter how little exertion im doing, no future where i can help the world the way i want to. i cant even read 2 chapters of a fucking favorite book that i LOVE without getting dizzy for no fuckjng reason. i have to REST from reading a fucking BOOK

and doctors are just like “oh well that’s what happens when you fucking almost die two times from elective surgery lol kinda your fault tbh. you really should’ve just accepted how viciously hated by men your body was. but the human body is so mysterious huh!!! like this is crazy dude lmao. 🤪 so yeah here’s a pamphlet for a support group that doesn’t really fit your needs and some medication that won’t work bc we still don’t really know how to diagnose or treat plastic surgery victims like this bc technically you weren’t in a car crash or anything so we don’t really have enough research rn to fully apprehend what’s going on w your mysterious ass. also you had more surgeries than most ppl ever will be stupid enough to undertake so like we have no idea what to do w you lol!!!!!! there isn’t really data that fits your situation but maybe in 30 years 😌”

just in case anyone was wondering if i changed my mind on cosmetic surgery being true evil!!!!!! lol

ok sorry for the pity party i just really am feeling the weight of it all rn

[starry-skies-116]

ROTTMNT HEADCANONS BECAUSE I WATCHED AND LOVE THIS SHOW AND AM HYPERFIXATING AGGRESSIVELY ON IT NOW:

They keep the surnames of “Hamato” despite abandoning the strictly traditional practices of the Hamato clan whilst also taking more eclectic inspiration from their arts to their own.

They all brumate btw. Pry this from my cold dead hands. Every time brumation season comes, the Disaster Twins Inc. hog the couch.

Donnie, because he’s autistic and is a softshell turtle, has sensory issues and is very picky about what food he eats and which clothes he wears, as well as what surfaces he touches. He secretly has a casual list catalogued about what sensory things he loves versus what he hates, and there’s a small area in his lab that’s sensory heaven for him.

All the turtles have different eye colours. Leo has natural heterochromia, one eye being cobalt blue and another eye being bright amber. Post-movie Raph has heterochromia from being turned into a Krang zombie for a short amount of time- one eye is emerald green, and another is a bright magenta purple. Donnie has warm brown eyes, and Mikey has baby/cornflower blue-ish grey eyes. April has hazel green eyes.

Teenage Mutant Intersex Turtles, anyone?? They’re all different variations of intersex on the intersex spectrum. Leo was presumed to be a guy and does have some male traits, but is biologically female- he’s both intersex and a trans dude (and I’m all here for it).

Raph is an aroace bigender (both transfem and demiboy), Mikey is genderfluid and greyaroace pansexual and panromantic, Donnie is nonbinary, asexual and greyromantic biromantic, and Leo is FTM trans, demisexual and gay (did I mention they are all intersex).

Yes I do headcanon disaster twins, and that Donatello was taller than Leonardo when they were younger but Leo is 3 and a half minutes older than Donnie and takes every damn opportunity to brag about it.

“We need CaCa and Maggie~!” “JUST SAY CALCIUM AND MAGNESIUM GODDAMNIT-”

In the future, all of the turtles have cloaking brooches and stable jobs that earn them great income. They also have apartments close to the sewers that is their home.

Okay, we all know Donnie’s canonically autistic. But what if all the turtles are on differing parts of the spectrum. More at 5.

Donnie in addition to being autistic has insomnia, BPD and misophonia and does have sight issues and is prone to migraines due to staring at screens and not getting enough sleep, Raph has panic disorder, dyslexia, OSDD-1a and GAD, Leo has ADHD-I, autism, GAD and is bipolar, and Mikey has ADHD-HI, dyscalculia and autism. All of them have some form of PTSD post-movie.

Leo does know how to play chess please and thank you. He just does it for fun and doesn’t really practice.

Splinter has PTSD, is autistic and is bisexual (the most unrealistic thing is young Lou Jitsu/Hamato Yoshi in his 20’s NOT kissing men and enby hoes in addition to women). He’s not a bad father, he just passed some of that generational trauma of everything that’s happened to him, as well as his regrets and grief, down to his kids without even knowing and feels terrible about it once he realizes. He may have made so many mistakes as a father, but he deeply loves his sons beyond what they could ever comprehend, and he’d send anyone to the shadow realm if they laid a finger on his beloved turtle children.

Donnie and Leo (mostly Donnie) bite each other for no reason at all- not enough to hurt or draw blood, but enough for the bitten to yelp and want an apology from the one who did the biting.

April O’Neil is an also autistic lesbian polyamorous demigirl. She’s saving up enough money by working at The Foot shoestore partially for her top surgery. Sunita is her best friend soon-to-be girlfriend. They’re gay disasters your honor.

Cassandra Jones is MTF trans. Fight me on this one.

Sunita, despite being a teenage slime yokai, does celebrate and participate in Indian culture and does consider herself Indian (let me have my rep I’m starved of please). She’s also a lesbian demigirl, and is asexual and autistic. She also has the ability of superhuman bodily elasticity, even in human form (though it is restricted somewhat in human form). Sunita WILL call pilaf ‘biryani that needs therapy’ okay, she’ll fight you if you say they are the same thing.

Queerplatonic/non-romantic Apritello where they have a super close relationship greater than best friends but cringe at the idea of being in a romantic relationship together wya <3

April’s African American, we all know, but what about her being of Afro-Iranian Jewish descent and her mother’s Shakshuka and Latkes and Rugelach and Sufganiyot being her absolute favorite among all the stuff she makes. She gets MAJOR hyped by the time Hanukah comes around and tells the Turtle boys and Splinter about it.

And there’s more, but I’ll tell y’all about that later, or we’ll be here all day.

[one-abuse-survivor]

-Ice Anon-

So, it feels like my physical therapy isn't really helping, and my father said if it doesn't help I may need to get surgery on my knee.

My sister and I told him my knee is permanently messed up but he wouldn't hear it, and he said if the doctor recommended it I would get the surgery. Like dude I'm 17, and that's a decently large surgery, shouldn't I decide if I get it or not when the time comes??

This is one reason why I hate him, he just decides shit over my head and I'm fucking 17, I'm old enough to make decisions for myself.

It's just so frustrating, and he definitely made it seem like he'd force me to get it if the PT doesn't work, I really want to hit him as hard as I can.

Hi!

I'm sorry to hear PT isn't helping with the pain :(

I'm not a doctor, and I of course think that you should take your doctor's advice into account. However, as you said here, you should get to decide what happens to your body. You have a right to bodily autonomy and you have every right to not want to get surgery if you don't want to. And from what I've heard, knee surgeries have a pretty large regret rate, though please don't take my word on that.

Ultimately, your options with regards to your pain should be an issue for you and your doctor to discuss. Of course, your parents will have to be involved in your decisions until you're a legal adult, but they could be involved without overstepping your wishes, concerns, and boundaries, if they wanted to. It seems like your father just doesn't want to.

If you're nearing 18 (and 18 is the age of legal adulthood where you live), is there any chance that you can hold this off until then so that he loses the power to make medical decisions for you? Is that an option?

Sending all my support your way ❤️

[elsadaisywrites]

The illusive path to healing: Exploring the persistence of traumatic dreams.

I wake up often covered in sweat. My heart racing, trying to determine if what happened in my dreams was real.

And last night, was the first in a while. I had thought this was an issue I conquered.

Thanks for reading Elsa’s Substack! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Subscribed

 Supposedly, rooming with my boyfriend, a man moves into a room upstairs. He’s older, and yes, looks familiar to me. Act’s familiar, too. 

He was white, and scruffy, His hands were calloused and his shirt was dirtied. 

 I had a drink with him, trying to get to know my new roommate, and he admits to drugging me. I don’t remember a thing after he lays me in his bed. Someone out of the corner of my unmoving eye laughed at me laying so still, then he shuts the door.

The feeling of waking up and knowing something happened. Like blacking out when you’re too drunk, and waking up with a road rash. Not even remembering, but imagining.  

Moving my body out of his twin bed. The gut feeling of seeing him laughing at me. 

Scared to squeeze my legs together. My public area throbbing and swollen and dry and burning.

Next, the fear of trying to get away from this man i lived with. Sneaking around, trying to get into my car. Still having to live with him. 

Somehow, he drugged me again and I was paralyzed, but awake this time. And he went on about how fun it was to dress his “little Elsa.” 

Long white socks, a vintage flowing dress, things that I’d never wear. 

Again, familiar. 

And the next day, the crying. Wanting to get rid of a thing that a surgery doesn’t exist for. 

Crying about how what is done is done, and the past is the past. But instead of making you feel better that puts you in the darkest place of your mind.

A recurring dream I’m forever thankful I don’t get anymore, was one that took place in my freshman year college dorm.

I’d be laying on my back in my twin sized lifted bed. My blue duvet that I picked out with my dad made neatly underneath me. 

My book is in my hands and I am fully immersed. A man comes in, and he looks at my legs. I can’t remember exactly what I used to say, but something along the lines of, “Yeah, sure, whatever gets you off dude.”

Lifting my legs above my head, he would begin to eat me out. (TMI?)

I feel nothing, and continue to read. He taps me, and I look up. He has no face. 

The faceless man points at my leg while I feel glued to the bed, and he snaps one leg off. The best description is a twisting motion, and a crunching sound, like he were breaking a crab leg. I am trying to scream but my screams are small and ignored. He snaps the other off.

The list of dreams I incur is numerous. I was almost diagnosed with a nightmare disorder, before my psychiatrist decided a better diagnosis was PTSD. 

I have dreams about my mom, childhood, regrets, inner fears. However, I think none compare to the amount of sexual nightmares I get.

The question: Why do i still get these dreams? Is not really one I have been prepared to answer. It’s painful, and uncomfortable. I didn’t even like typing what I just wrote. 

The question above brings up another painful, complicated question.

Have I not processed enough? I thought I had for a long time. I decided that to ruminate over things I desperately wanted to put behind was pointless. I mean, just move on. Why was this such an issue? 

Id ask myself: At what point is processing self harm? This was the wrong question to ask. Because I wasn’t really processing anything. I was just letting myself become succumbed by memories and feelings.

I just really want to be done. For the processing to be over and to feel better already.

The issue is, these themes in my dreams come from real life, traumatic memories. 

I refuse to address a lot of my trauma. My body and my mind make me remember. 

In these dreams, multiple memories and events are combined into one little bite sized terrifying movie. Ruining whatever day they occur on.

Yeah, I was drugged once, but I was ok in the end. Nothing bad happened, as far as I know. But it was scary, and I’d never think to “process” it. How do you even do that?

Yes, the man in the dream who raped me, was a man I dated. A man who did scare me, who did not respect my boundaries. A man who was much older. 

The faceless man is also a familiar man to me. My stoic nature letting him do what I think he wants to do, what would please him. My screaming and lost limbs a symbol of what it was doing to me. 

Getting dressed in clothes I would never wear is reminiscent of a teacher I had in high school, who would always make me change clothes. Not because of a dress code violation, just because she didn’t like what I wore. (Yes, she did say that.)

But I can’t speak on it too deeply. I am scared. Judgment, insecurity, regret, pain. They all make me want to shut up. Even now, the pit in my stomach is telling me to stop.

But all I want to do is talk about it. So… it isn’t over processed. 

Do you see how little I know what I am doing?

Alright, so I googled it. Good ol’ google is always there for me <3

Lets see where I went wrong.

The Royal College of Psychiatrists says to firstly “give myself time.” It’s been a long time dude. Next.

“Talk about the event.” 

No, I thought I processed much of my trauma. I journaled. I tried to open up to others, but often I am not able to divulge what is needed to “process.” I was in therapy for years, and I liked her, but somehow we never got around to processing my trauma, even though i did ask many times. Maybe I am resentful for that, but I digress.

Who would I talk to? The little I have shared makes people uncomfortable. If it doesn’t, my fear of “trauma dumping” or second handedly traumatizing someone weighs on me. I do have close friends, but why put this on them? 

Maybe, I also don’t want them to know. I am embarrassed, and don’t want people to see me differently. I am also scared I can’t reciprocate when the time comes. I’d try, but what if I can’t? What If I already haven’t. 

I tried to open up to my boyfriend about my co-dependent high school relationship. 

He listened, he was sincere, I talked it out. 

Okayyyyyy… I couldn’t decide if I felt better. Even now, a couple weeks later, I don’t know if it helped. Maybe I need to do it often? Or to multiple people?

This brings me to step 3. “Speak to others that have experienced the same thing as you.” Okay, what the fuck?

How? 

I scoured the internet for a sexual assault survivor group. I knew they would be engaging and sincere, but I had (still do) this itching feeling that after I share my story they would collectively share a look. 

I did find a group. But I am still scared to go, even though it’s on zoom. Sue me. I have anxiety.

What I did do, was go on Reddit. This is how every horror story starts, I get it. I found groups of people who were kinda like me, I guess? I even made a lot of memes about my traumas which I shared, and they were quite popular (I am blushing, if you can’t tell).

Yeah, it helped I think. I am not sure if I want to continue though, I may have hit a wall there.

The issue? Reddit somehow made me feel more isolated. 

Four: “Ask for Support”

I remember telling my grandmother in high school, when I was on the brink of suicide, that I was depressed. She told me blankly, while walking away, “You’re not depressed.”

You could say it’s hard for me to open up to people now. 

How could they even support me, when it’s an internal struggle? I continue on with my life, just like many others do, and asking for support with a task that I might need is too big of an ask.

Five. “Avoid Spending Lots of Time Alone.”

Asshole, some of us don’t have a choice, ok!

Six: “Stick to your routine”

What if trauma started so young, there isn’t a routine to return to?

Seven: “Consider seeking professional help”

I did. I was in therapy for four years. I saw a psychiatrist. I read self-help books. All that. 

Eight: “Notice how you’re feeling”

Not good. Sometimes I’m ok. 

Nine: “Ask for support from your employer”

No.

Ten: “Take Care”

Thank you.

Eleven: “Avoid Consuming too Much Media About the Event”

N/A

Ok, so I’m going to go back to step two: Talk About the Event.

My point in all this, is how difficult it is to just feel better. The advice given is simple, and I am sure it helps, but difficult to apply. I’ve been diligent, too!

Like I said, my nightmares take inspiration from real-life events. Something I have come to realize is, those events don’t just affect me in my sleep. 

Getting better is a daily struggle, and I’ll probably have nightmares for years, but one day, I won’t.

Thanks for reading. :) 

[twfarlan]

Damn but I miss this crew. Wild nights, chummers.

Alt text for those looking for it:

Okay, sit back, cause y'all ain't gonna believe this drek. Hand to sky, this happened exactly as I'm going to describe.

I'm driving the van, which Rook has named "Harold." I legitimately do not want to know why. Rook's passed out in the back, as is Dex who has learned that there's a reason the shake machine at Stuffer Shack is meant to be broken. (He's calling it "Suffer Shack" and I cannot argue.) Butch is polishing her suit or something; lady, I have a tailor in Missoula that you DESPERATELY need to meet. Deadeye is performing surgery on that frickin drone, mounting the Eye of Sour-bun on it. Damn wiring smoke is worse than the leftover Meat Haters pizza Butch claimed. There's a reason no one else had touched it. Dandelion sprouts do not belong on deep dish pizza.

We get a call from Mr. Smuggler Guy, something I may regret. Wants something smuggled, there's a shock. Oh, he wants a LOT of it smuggled. Oh, we have to pick it up. Oh and we probably need to steal it. From the people who stole it in the first place. It's bound for a clinic in Minneapolis-St. Paul, a place where literally nothing and no one else is bound for. I'm thinking of blocking Guy's number.

We pick up a call from a femme of military bearing whom I've decided in hindsight to refer to as "Uniformed Asskicker." She's got field intel and an address, so she's already ahead of us. We park at the Stuffer Shack across from the place we're going to hit to review the plan: she's going in to rough things up, and then we come in like a horde of rabid squirrels. Great plan.

Rook wakes up about the time I drive Harold through the gate and Tokyo drift one orc ganger onto his ass. This would be just in time to see Deadeye kick the back doors of the van open, flip up onto the roof, and start preparing to lasso a semi. Seriously. Butch slings a fierce spell at some concrete that was insulting her, or we can admit she missed. I pull up to the driver's side of the semi, which Deadeye swings over next to planning to hogtie it or some damn thing. Butch takes another shot at the gangers coming our way, this time blasting what I can assume is the next pothole the yard owner will have to fix in the tarmac. (coughwhiffeditcough)

Deadeye sticks that revolver of hers in the face of the semi driver who apparently forgot how to start a push-button semi... well paid rigger, right there. Dude thinks he can grab a gun outta his face, so Deadeye talks cowboy shit and drills him one all over the inside of the cab. Rook has her CDL, thank the spirits, and Deadeye has to sit in the wet spot. Me, I warned Butch to cover her ears, cause Ares makes a shout when he speaks. Damn near strips the clothes off that poor guy I shot. Butch hears the glory of the coming of the bells of St. Mary or some equally tormented metaphors, but still managed to glower at the guy so hard that his soul withered and died. His buddy, seeing the better part of valor, runs headlong into Uniformed Murdergirl, and that's the end of his story.

After the most exciting stuffing of a shack that joint had ever seen, we roll the frag up the highway for a couple of hours. Deadeye is treating us to round 84 of Seelie Dan or Dr. John and the Electric Mayhem or whatever off-key Western mess she was singing, when lo and behold, we find ourselves making a new friend! Mr. Five-Oh pulls over the semi; I can't imagine what made it stand out aside from being graffitied to death by NeoScum and being stolen. I mean, we stole it from people who stole it; doesn't that cancel out? Double negative or something? Butch is sleeping through this and refuses to believe me, but Deadeye was hiding in the sleeper cabin and heard the whole thing. Rook... gave this poor rookie smokey a line of such radioactive bullshit that it made him reconsider being a cop. He walked away; he left his car, man. She punched him in his will to live as a human being. Last I saw him, he was walking off the highway into the woods to join a sasquatch commune. I quit as the resident liar; Rook is Mes ti'Dungmouthiesh: she follows the Way of the Bullshit Artist.

Hand to heaven, y'all. If I'm lying, I'm dying. ... At least, if I'm lying about this. Don't pin me down on anything else right now.

-- Will Rill Hetrick, no regerts (except about deafening Butch; gomen-nasai, omae.)

[eristic-kaleidoscope]

Fuck, Dude | Erik A | Trial 4.4 | Re: Kenshin, KOKONE, Jae-min, Akito

Ah, he figured that something like this might happen, with how they’d been talking before. For both Kenshin and KOKONE to speak up and claim that they were in some way involved, though KOKONE’s claims are much more insistent in being involved in the murder itself. 

Akito comes over towards where he himself is also standing to get to Kenshin and KOKONE, and though the conversation is quiet, Erik A is close enough to hear, and to verify what it is that each has to show. His own expression is kept neutral, looking over things with little outward reaction beyond a nod at what each thing is.

Jae-min as per usual has some theories he has a few thoughts on and plans to respond to. Though in combination with what Akito shares moments later to publicly confirm things… Erik A gives a sigh, before shaking his head towards Jae-min. 

“I would have said this anyways, but I don’t think that key was planted there. It was something that would unnecessarily tie to both Kenshin and Kori, and only the two of them would have known for sure that it was one of their keys, after all. Plus, I doubt that either of them would individually choose to implicate the other regardless, even with the motive. It’s a lot more likely that it really fell off in the middle of things, maybe in bumping into that back shelf, which had files fallen from the right height for that to be the case.”

“And… no one else has mentioned going to the surgery room, but I can confirm that I already noticed a cart being unbalanced when I was there starting a bit before 7 AM, which just makes sense with the trap probably having been finished by then. Though, I can also say now, I don’t know where Kenshin and Kori were coming from when I saw them enter Kenshin’s room, but I did see the elevator door closing right before I got to it to go through myself, around 8:30 or just before. Dunno if it was them, but since no one else mentioned it, I’m guessing it was.” 

  “...Also, if one of them is lying to protect the other because they think they’re the killer, that wouldn't put the person they’re trying to protect in more danger, assuming they’re correct, just the rest of us and themself. Like I said, it’s… understandable to at least want to try to protect someone you care about that much, to not want to out them in a fucked up system like this. It’d just be everyone else’s lives being risked otherwise.”

He hates that the outcome of death is guaranteed regardless. That if they get this wrong they won’t be able to avoid it. Isn’t there ANYTHING they can do? This is supposed to be the last time they do this, right…?

Erik A looks over to KOKONE, standing directly beside him, and gives a small smile despite everything. Not because he’s happy with what’s happening, but as some sort of… small support, to show that he’s not looking down on her.

“If you don’t want me using this nickname for you still let me know, but… Hey, Kori. I know it doesn’t help now with everything that might have been done already happened, but told you once that I only wanted to hear your name from you if you wanted me to, right? The only reason I didn’t want to hear it during the motive was because I thought you might regret telling me if you got your memories back for privacy reasons, not because I thought of you as a different person. Even though both of us were clearly feeling like shit and not acting how we usually did in some way or another, I still had fun being around you, you know? Because even if you act differently on the outside because of a whole lot of BS I can probably guess at least some of, you’re still the same person to me.”

“But. If you’re telling the truth about you doing things, I really can’t fucking say I don’t get it. Not just because of thinking differently with an important part of you missing because of the motive, because yeah, I fucking get that too, you already know I was also doing all kinds of shit cuz of that. But it’s… terrifying. The idea that the very person you are can be taken away from you more in the future. That what little you still have might not be there again tomorrow.

I dunno what you would do now if you were faced with the same threat, but I can understand why you might have wanted to before, to not keep being the person you are, much as I hate going through that now. …Also though, I thought we agreed it was me you’d end up killing if you were gonna as a privilege, what gives?” He’s clearly joking at that last part but what a time for that hciushscs

God damn though, did this suck. Was there anything else they could do? Literally anything at all that would make any kind of difference?? Erik A glances to the two sister hosts watching over this trial just as always. The last trial. They hadn’t called time yet, at least, so there was just a little bit more time to talk. He glances back to Kenshin and KOKONE both right here, then everyone as a whole.

  “So now… I guess, we’re gonna have to figure out what the fuck we’re doing from here, yeah? Unless either of you wants to change what information we have already by coming forward with anything else, I think we’ll have to work with what we have to figure something out, right?”

Because god damn does he still not want literally either of them to die, or anyone here to for that matter.

[feuqueerfire]

So Long, See You Tomorrow Live Blogging

I have many things on the to-watch list but just added this last night and am just in the mood to watch it, I think.

I watched that baseball -> lashing out -> "hey" *kiss* scene on twitter again (I originally saw it a month ago) and decided to just watch it today instead of what I was supposed to watch. From the summary know that it's a 40-something-year-old man going to parallel universes.

1995 Autumn, Daegu

wait did they only know each other for 1 year before the younger dude moved away? I should go back to check if that's what's being said but ah I'll figure it out later maybe

oh Canada

oh dang the hyung's mother and hyung going out of control

oh, so the reason they only knew each other for a year is cuz of that

2020 Autumn, Daegu

oh, gay bar

oof, mans got stood up on his date at the gay bar

oh, an old student of his had seen him at the bar and he's trying to cover his reason for being there but at least the student Juho seems fine and says he won't tell anybody

haha a rascal-ish teenage niece who leaves her own home and comes to his house and wants to stay there

damn wait, Juho calls him the next morning and is saying he knows where he lives? um

oof Dongjoon's noona has stomach cancer

ah, Dongjoon running away from his own parents yelling up to the hyung's house, encountering hyung's father who gives him some money and the mother who seems... subdued, not knowing that soon she'll be dead and the hyung will lose it

oh the little hand-twirling thing Dongjoob did before giving his niece a book was first done by the hyung to him

oh damn the Little Hippo date that stood him up was actually the student Juho but Juho hadn't realized until he went to the bar

oof Dongjoon talking about the students making fun of him and lashing out at Juho

the hyung (I can't remember his name rip) had such an effect on Dongjoon like it's been 25 years and yet in his mannerisms and actions, we see it intertwined with the past when he learned from the hyung

bro the niece's mom won't die during this operation right

oh whelp the sister said she knows everything and supports Dongjoob, so I feel like she wn't make it lol

ah Juho left for America but left Dongjoon a kind voicemail before doing so

2020 Autumn, Seoul

this English literature class seems so fucking dull my goodness Dongjoon-ssi

idgi was the groom of the wedding someone that Dongjoon liked or had a relationship with or something?

wait, I'm confused? I thought we already knew about the cancer thing? Or I guess actually this Seoul thing is before Daegu and Dongjoon had actually known about the noona cancer before she told him and that stuff happened after this stuff

aw, he's cute with the David Copperfield mans and his kid, if this was a BL and not so angsty so far, I might've hoped that he ends up with their little family

oh he's bringing the girl to the dinner with his father's family?

?! his father just mentioning that he caught Donghoong and that hyung kissing?!?!?!?! during this meal with his whole family?

omg now Dongjoong lying saying that the girl is his daughter pls idek what's going on I'm so stressed

oh he'd told his father that next week his sister's having her cancer surgery - this was a week before the surgery, so before he was told not to tell the father by his sister

wait Dongjoon's telling David Copperfield that he went to the states in the exchange program as a student but will tell Juho that he regrets not going?

also David Copperfield so similar to Dongjoon himself

oh Maybe Is The Greatest pain is the novel by the Korean-American author who briefly lived in Daegu. I kept wondering if this author would be Dongjoon's hyung but the author name is different I think from MDL hyung's name Edit: actually, MDL doesn't even have the character names lol

oh wait... I'm confused and just realized? is this a different timeline lol? bro I'm so dumb I kept being like I thought this was sci-fi with parallel universes? but this 2020 Autumn is the parallel universes. first one he was at daegu, didn't attend the meal with his father's family, had the conversation with Little Hippo. second time he met this David Copperfield guy and the kid and they'll go on a date and he's not in touch with his niece much but he does go and visit the hospital where his sister's having the operation

in the first one he hadn't gone to the exchange trip in America and had stayed in daegu. in the second one he'd gone to America, come back and stayed in seoul

2020 Autumn, Busan

damn, a son?! who lives with Dongjoon's father in Daegu

this novel will really make its appearance in every timeline - is the author the hyung? wish i remembered his name lol

oh here's the clip I saw on twitter of the baseball scene and sad Dongjoon and the kiss

oof I really just T.T can't deal with parents abandoning kids and it's so T.T

ah this poor kid T.T

ah Dongjoon and mother conversation T.T

I do wonder why Dongjon lost contact with his noona Donghee in this universe

in all these universes, Dongjoon has some sort of foil who reflects himself back to him; first Juho, then David Copperman guy, now his son Minho

ah Dongjoon said Kang Hyun, so that is indeed the hyung's name and that he left for America a year later

ohh I was thinking that these ending 10-15 minutes seem like they don't belong to a specific universe, they're the same in all 3 and Dongjoon narrates that "But all those stories would end the same way. He exists in all parallel universes. He was my universe"

Overall Thoughts

No matter what I think about the story/character/acting in these types of movies like this, along with His (2020), Life: Love On The Line, Your Name Engraved Herein, they make me feel a certain way. Even if I don't cry, some parts make have slightly glassy eyes and my chest constricts with the emotions. These feel human in a specific way and I can't take it always, but these drawn-out, slice-of-life movies where young men are separated and then reunite to be friends/lovers decades later is so good. Also I thought it was funny that I kept waiting for the parallel universes to come into it without realizing when we'd slipped into a different universe lol Also, this whole movie we got to see how Kang Hyun affected Dongjoon but Dongjoon affected Kang Hyun enough for him to write about parallel universes in his novel

Rating: 6.5/10

[greenhappyseed]

BnHA Ch. 365: Review, parallels & comparisons - Part 1, Tenko & Mirko

One of the reasons I love this manga is the way Horikoshi pulls the rug out from under the readers and toys with his own audience. Killing the most popular character towards the beginning of a battle is one thing, doing it to develop the villain is a true power move. This chapter made it increasingly clear that it’s all about Tenko (the symbolic “essence” of who Shigaraki really is, un-tainted by AFO). Unlike rewound AFO, who is just a (powerful) dude that can be taken down by one man, TomurAFO simply cannot be hurt on the outside.

TomurAFO’s only “weakness” is his emotional state. The heroes MUST save little Tenko, imprisoned by AFO and unable to express himself except — it seems — through TomurAFO’s right hand and occasional shouting outbursts. We saw in the Star battle that TomurAFO will use his right hand to kill, but somehow he held back for Dabi and for Bakugo. People who could be his friends. And he uses his right hand to cover his face when he’s defending himself.

It makes sense because Tenko wanted to be All Might. He loved heroes, and when he killed his family, thought he’d be saved by one. Shigaraki even tells us in MVA that if anyone had reached out to help, maybe “the itch would have gone away for good.” But nobody did. Tenko thought it was probably punishment for killing his family. Even worse, Tenko was so traumatized and “racked with guilt” that he couldn’t speak up and ask for help himself. (Sound familiar?) AFO took him in, but only for the purpose of crafting him into a meat puppet. TomurAFO knows that AFO never truly cared about him, and is near certain he’ll never feel good again. Shigaraki even says in MVA, right before the “why not destroy everything?” panel, that the weight in his heart will never go away, even if hero society comes crashing down, even if he rises to rule the underworld, and that’s WHY he should decay everything that annoys him. It’s a fatalistic mindset grounded in hopelessness. In this context, it’s logical that TomurAFO is angry over multiple heroes working desperately to save a “destroyed” Bakugo.

Not only did no hero save Tenko (not even a D-lister) while the UA kid gets 3 out of the Top 5 heroes helping him, the heroes’ hope and determination is proof that destruction won’t make his heart stop hurting. Even with a perfect body and global destruction at hand, he won’t feel good. Destruction is only a temporary salve.

It’s Mirko who blocks TomurAFO from lashing out and stopping Edgeshot and Best Jeanist from helping Bakugo, so of course, he turns his attention to her. When she proves she’s willing to go all “127 Hours,” tearing off her own arm to stay alive and protect the impromptu heart surgery, TomurAFO stumbles. As he’s thinking about Bakugo’s big hit on him, Mirio permeates to block his eyes and distract from Mirko setting up her next attack. When Mirko gets close, she yells that she won’t die with regrets left on the table. TomurAFO is stunned, which allows Mirko’s Luna Rush to connect with full force.

Unfortunately, this riles up Tenko because he doesn’t want to die with regrets either. He still shoulders unbearable guilt over killing his family (and, in the case of his father, wanting to kill), and nobody has ever done anything to help him with that. The heroes are doing their damndest to revive a dead child, but nobody wanted to look at Tenko, let alone revive his family. As his “perfect” body shifts and changes into its “ideal” form, we see people emerging from his flesh. I can’t quite tell if it’s the family he wants to see again or the people who failed to help him (so he can punish them?). Either way, his body is manifesting his psychological pain as Tenko’s hair gets lighter, his eyes get darker, and his skin gets itchy.

I’m both excited and scared to see TomurAFO’s and the heroes’ reaction. Trauma manifesting as flesh people can’t be a good sign. But I’m also keeping a close eye on Tenko — what will happen when the itchiness/urge to destroy overtakes Tenko while TomurAFO still has his quirks erased? Because the only time he feels good is when he has power to achieve his dreams, whether that’s to become a hero OR destroy it all (and AFO is the one who taught Tenko to soothe the itch with destruction rather than family or heroism).

[bluebloodsgurl]

Put the Gun Down

Characters: Jamie Reagan X Reader, Danny Reagan, Jackie Curatola, Gormley, Renzulli, Frank Reagan, Stevens (OC)

Word Count: 2000

Warning: Language?,  Angst, Violence, fluff end

A/N: This is the first of many fics. I am using #11 from the Random section on the Prompt list I posted a few days ago. It is in bold letters.

Feedback is always welcome. The Good and The Bad. Requests are also open.

Tumblr Masterlist

Your day started off like any other. Grab coffee, head into work, get your assignment and head out. The only difference today, Gormley was sticking you with a new partner. It wasn’t just a new partner, it was a new cop, a rookie. You weren’t particularly happy about it.

“Seriously Sergeant, you’re sticking me with the newbie. Did I do something wrong?”

“No, you don’t have a partner for the next couple of weeks remember. Holman is on vacation and I can’t have you running around on your own.” Gormley quickly retorted.

“You could, you’re just choosing not to.”

“No, I’m not Y/l/n. Everyone has to have a partner when out on patrol. Now get out of here and do your job.”

“Fine.” You open the door to his office. “You and I both know that I would work better on my own than with a rookie.” With that you walked out and closed the door a little louder than you wanted to.

“What’s wrong with you?” Danny looked back at you from his desk.

“Oh nothing, everything is just peachy.” You put on the fakest smile you could. “I get a new partner because Holman decided to take a 2-week vacation.”

“It can’t be that bad. We all have had to get new partners before.”

“Yeah, well I would rather have a partner with experience and not a rookie fresh out of the academy.” You started walking towards the locker room to find your new partner.

“Have fun!” Danny yelled across the precinct, earning a birdie being flipped at him.

“Ya know one of these days she’s going to hit you over the head with something.” Jackie said while she let out a small laugh.

“I’m surprised she hasn’t already.”

When you got close to the locker room, you saw a guy standing just outside the door. He looked nervous, he kept adjusting his cap. You stopped a few feet away from him, just watching to see what he was going to do. After a few minutes he finally looked up at you.

“Sorry, Are you Officer Y/LN?”

“Yes… You must be Stevens.” You held your hand out to him, he shook it.

“Nice to meet you.” He looked slightly more nervous than before.

“Dude you need to lighten up.”

“Sorry. First day jitters I guess.”

“That’s fine but I need to know that you’re good before we walk out those doors. If not, we need to talk to Gormley because if we are in a situation and you’re not ready for, it can go bad quickly. I have seen it happen before.”

“I’m good.” He took in a deep breath and exhaled. He did look a little bit more relaxed, but you were still unsure about all of this.

Towards the end of your tour, you had gotten a call from dispatch for a domestic disturbance. There were a few people arguing on the street. There was a group forming near the two men. As you pulled up, you could see that it was going to start escalating. You told Stevens to radio for back-up as you got out of the car. Once you were out the guys started fighting. You ran over to them, leaving Stevens behind. Only you didn’t realize that he didn’t request back-up, he got out to help you instead.

One of the men had the other on the ground, just punching the shit out of him. You were able to pull the guy off of him and handing him over to Stevens. He had taken him, and had him pressed up against the squad car. You went to help the man on the ground. You called for an ambulance.

“Sir, can you hear me?”

“yes.” He was moving around and yelling in pain.

“what’s your name Hun?”

“Jared… Jared Peterson.”

“Good Jared, I need you to stay still, while I look at you, okay?”

“Okay.”

You were and EMT before you became a cop. You figured it would help you on the job. He didn’t completely stop moving, but it was enough to let you look at his face. You were wondering where your back-up was. You started hearing arguing behind you. you looked over to see Stevens struggling to get the man in hand cuffs.  You quickly got up and started over to them. You were about six feet away from them when the man slipped his wrist out of Stevens hand and elbow him in the gut. It sent him back a few steps, which gave the man enough time to swing and punch him, Stevens went down pretty hard. You grabbed your radio as you ran over to them. You noticed Stevens not moving to get up.

“10-13 Officer Down, I repeat 10-13.” What you weren’t expecting was for the guy to pull a gun on you. You stopped in your tracks. “10-32.” You let go of the radio and put your hand up, you left the other just hovering by your gun.

“Shut up!” The man started walking towards you.

The crowd started freaking out. Some started running away, a few were on the phone calling 911 the rest were too scared to move. You could see his eyes weren’t even on you. You slowly started backing up to the man on the ground. You stopped right in front of him.

“Sir, I need you to put the gun down.” You were trying to stay as calm as you possibly could. “Don’t do something that you will regret.”

“I won’t regret this, now get out of my way!”

You still stood there, not moving. You could hear the sirens going off, slowly getting louder.

He cocked his gun and pointed it at you. “I said get out of my way, the bastard deserves it.”

“I can’t do that.” You could see Jamie and Renzulli coming up on one side and 2 others coming up on the other side. One of them went over to check on Stevens.

The man was looking around now he could see all the guns pointed at him. He quickly grabbed you, using you as a shield. He had his arm around your neck, with his hand grabbing onto the collar of your shirt and the gun to your head.

“Woah, drop the gun buddy.” Jamie was the first one to speak, he and Renzulli were the closest ones to you.

“Move any closer and I’ll shoot her.” Jamie stopped immediately.

“Okay, take it easy. Put the gun down and we can talk about this.”

“No, the second I do you will arrest me, and he gets away.”

“What did he do?”

“He’s been sleeping with my wife, now she’s leaving me for him.”

“That doesn’t mean he deserves to die.” You stupidly opened your mouth. Instantly regretting it as the words left your mouth.

“I told you to shut up.” You felt his grip get tighter on your throat, causing you to grunt.

“Ease up on her, your choaking her!” Renzulli yelled at him, he let up just enough for you to catch your breath.

He slowly started moving backwards, you tried to keep yourself planted but he was too strong. There was also the fact that if you didn’t move, he would end up choaking you. You felt the gun slightly lift up from your head. You looked directly at Jamie; you could see the worry in your boyfriends’ eyes.

It’ll be okay. You mouth to him. You could see a shift in him, you see him shake his head slightly.

You just closed your eyes and tried to focus on your breathing. You were about to do something stupid, but you don’t know what this guy was going to do. If you were going to get shot it was going to be on your own terms.

The next few seconds went by in a flash.

You reached up, pushing the barrel of the gun up. You tilted your head away just in case he pulled the trigger. When he didn’t, your hand grabbed the gun holding it above you. Then you picked up your foot to kick him in the shin. While you brought your elbow up to ram it back into his gut. You pulled your gun out of its holster. He let go of you to grab his stomach, he still had his hand on the gun. You swung around to face him. He pulled his arm down bringing the gun and your hand down to shoulder level. When he got it down, you felt his index finger slip out from under your hand to the trigger. Before you could even attempt to move your finger to the safety, he pulled the trigger.

You let go of the gun and started falling to the ground. You pointed your gun at him and shot the man in the chest two times before hitting the ground. You fell onto your back; the man fell back as well.

“Y/N!” you could hear Jamie yelling.

Next thing you see is Jamie kneeling next to you. You were trying to block out the pain, as Jamie put pressure on your shoulder.

“You’re insane.” You could see the tears forming in his eyes.

“You love me.” You looked him in the eyes and smiled.

“Not right now I don’t.”

“Yeah right.” You brought your hand up and put it on top of his.

“Get that ambulance over here.” He yelled to the EMTs that were onsite.

You were transported to the hospital, and immediately taken into surgery. Jamie had a few hours left on his shift, but when he got off, he went to the hospital to wait for you. When he arrived, he saw his father there.

“Jamie.” He stood up from his seat and walked over to his son.

“How is she doing?”

“She’s still in surgery. They said it should be any minute now.” He put a hand on his shoulder and walked him over to the chairs.

A few minutes later Danny came through the doors with coffee. He handed each of them a coffee before sitting down.

“How are you doing kid?”

“I’m fine.” He looked down at his coffee, just trying to avoid eye contact with his brother.

“Oh really, because if I saw my girlfriend get shot in front of me, I would be pretty upset, pissed off even.”

Jamie got up and walked away from them, he didn’t want to do this right now. He just wanted you.

“Commissioner.” A doctor came out into the waiting room, all three men walked up to the doctor. “She’s out of surgery, she’s just resting, but you can go see her now.”

“Thank you.” Frank said as he followed the doctor to your room. Danny and Jamie were close behind him.

When the door to your room opened, you instantly tried to sit up once you saw Frank.

“Commissioner Reagan.”

“Relax Y/n.” You laid back but not all the way down. “How are you?”

“I’ve had worse hits, so I guess I’m doing okay.”

After that Frank started asking about what had happened, you told him everything. That’s when he informed you that Stevens never radioed for back-up. You were pissed off at that point. You knew something was going to go wrong. After a few hours Danny and Frank left, so it was just you and Jamie.

“You’re crazy, ya’know that.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” You just smiled at him.

“It can be when things like today happen.”

“I’m fine Jamie. Come here.”

You scooted over and patted the bed next to you. Jamie laid down with you, being extra careful to not move the bed too much. You moved into him, he wrapped one arm around you just to keep you close to him. Your head was on his other arm. He kissed you on the top of your head.

“I love you, Jamie.”

“I love you too, Y/n.”

Eventually, both of you fell asleep.