#sure authentic/inauthentic is a loaded therapy term now but it's just accurate. i should be able to NOT do things if i'm not moved to | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

la0hu · 2 months ago

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masha broke a bowl by accident in the kitchen and when i brought her the broom and dustpan and asked her if she was okay, she looked at me, straight-faced, and said, "no, i'm not okay." and then i realized she meant that she still feels emotionally abused by the house somehow, and i felt a flash of anger because i am so sick of her shit, and i rephrased, "are you physically injured?" and she gave me another look and said "i'm physically okay." and then when connie asked from her room "what's going on?" masha replied "nothing new." like fuck off ohhhhhhhh my god

#p #i'm actually sick of making room for people like this #it's not me being kind or understanding. it's me being a doormat and driving myself crazy for not making everyone happy 24/7 #would masha feel better if i continually approached her and invited her to things and forgave her every time she acted like this?#yeah she would. and i can imagine the emotional place she's in right now is a terrible one and i empathize #which is why i feel guilty for being too tired to do the above. but also? but ALSO???#in her head she will always be the victim. everything we do she will always interpret in bad faith; choose the most unkind interpretation #it's gabe all over again. they live in an alternate reality from me and from the rest of the house and it is impossible to reconcile the tw #and i get this feeling of anger and a part of me thinks of it as me 'letting myself be a bitch' but it's not actually that #it's literally self-respect. it's me being so burnt out that i don't have the energy to pretend this is somehow my problem #the whole meme of 'aren't you tired of being nice. don't you wanna go apeshit' that's about being inauthentic not abt being nice #sure authentic/inauthentic is a loaded therapy term now but it's just accurate. i should be able to NOT do things if i'm not moved to #i don't feel like talking to her. i don't feel like inviting her to things. i don't feel like giving an apology for an imaginary wrong #she can hate me for the rest of time. she can be miserable for the rest of the year while she stays here. i don't fucking care #she is making herself miserable. it is absolutely 100% on her. in any way that matters it is up to her to fix her own shit #i am so sick of this idea that somehow through the healing power of kindness and friendship everyone can be lifted up #because actually some people refuse to be helped. and it is so hard for me to reconcile this with my worldview #but it's been proven to me over and over again that this is the truth.#i guess it doesn't necessarily apply to material realities but i think it does for emotional ones #but even that division between the material and the social/emotional feels false to me. they're always related #maybe the actual lesson is that you as an individual and sometimes even as a community #have limited resources. and while the world's ills could theoretically be solved with infinite generosity and kindness #you cannot singlehandedly make that happen.#and also if the other party isn't receptive there's only so much you can do.#god i've written like a fucking essay trying to justify to myself why i'm angry at masha bc i want to be validated for it #even though i know by now that i actually don't need to explain myself to anyone -- even to myself

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