#support if they need it and i'd rather err on the side of not making the space unwelcoming to ppl who need it more generally

[winepresswrath]

recent wave of discourse over whether straight men/straight people/men more generally should go to lesbian bars is so depressing to me, living in a city with no lesbian bars.

[bean-chaointe]

More thoughts on oaths and some basic terms to start negotiating from.

I do believe that not every spiritworker has to have personal cultus with gods, and even if they do, there's no actual template for what that has to look like unless the spiritworker in question belongs to a lineage/tradition that says otherwise.

(My previous rambling about the pros and cons of oaths: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/bean-chaointe/675523497936699392 )

That being said, if someone's in a position to be swearing oaths with entities (and they've done the div, and talked to the beings they need to talk to for guidance/permission, and the oath isn't a prescribed one from their tradition, etc etc), I thought I'd offer some of the shit I find helpful.

Some of the...template?...below is based on my own shenanigans with various entities and being a former legal advocate. A lot of it is informed by my yaya (religious elder) being not only similar in neurodivergence to me but also formerly pre-law and a kinkster, and xir sensibilities just reinforced mine. 😂

I always write my oaths down, including the terms I ask from the other entity, and I try to negotiate making sure that the following is always included. Some of these may not be applicable to everyone, and that's fine - they're my oaths, not yours, lol - but I offer my "terms try including in every oath with a god" basics as an example of what you could have, in case any of them are new ideas.

I swear to:

Listen when you speak and take your words under sincere consideration

Speak of you and our relationship with respect and dignity

Work on deepening my understanding of our relationship in this life in ways we can negotiate as needed

To extend the same assumption of good faith as I ask from you in return

To take responsibility for any occasions in which I make a mistake or fail to uphold my half of this oath

To discuss renegotiation of the terms of this oath if you ever feel it necessary.

[additional terms as relevant to any service, the relationship between me and the entity, whatever else; this includes duration of the oath or other time-bound agreements]

I ask [entity] to swear to:

Not to put me in a position of having to break my oaths with other gods and spirits

Respect my autonomy, my boundaries, and my perspective both as an individual entity and as a currently embodied living human, and to discuss conflicts over those things with good faith and mutual consent

Assume good faith when I make a mistake unless there’s concrete reason not to

Be honest if there's information you can't share with me, rather than misrepresent a situation by intent or omission

Be a source of support, protection, and guidance in ways which are rightful, blessed, and in harmony with my other oaths (feel free to expand this in more detail, since you may have specific ideas of what this does - or doesn't - look like in practice**)

Discuss renegotiation of the terms of this oath if I ever feel it necessary

[additional terms as relevant to service, the relationship between me and the entity, whatever else]

** For example, if someone goes to the Morrigan like, "Give me strength," even odds you'll end up tossed into the deep end of a rough situation because nothing teaches you what you're capable of like survival pressure. 😅

The bits about assuming good faith when mistakes are made and not misrepresenting a situation are rooted in some past personal trauma of mine. If you have specific emotional vulnerabilities which may get stepped on or even triggered, I think it's worth tossing in some language around those so that you can rest into knowing where the boundaries and expectations are clearly set.

(Seriously, the worst time to try figuring out relationship stuff is in the middle of a crisis. Better to hope for the best but plan for the worst, imho.)

When in doubt over something, I err more on the side of caution than a blank check of trust. But there may be times when being more freeform about it is part of your relationship with an entity, such as my own with Badb, which is where taking plenty of time to build trust, understanding, and shared communication norms is really helpful so that those blank checks of trust don't feel more like the Sword of Damocles hanging over you.

("Hound, you sound like a goddamn therapist" - well, for one, I'm a peer counselor, so are you really that surprised, and two, DAMN RIGHT, DO YOU REALIZE HOW OFTEN PAGANS AND SPIRITWORKERS GET THEMSELVES INTO ENTIRELY PREVENTABLE FIXES WITH THEIR GODS AND SPIRITS BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T TAKE THE TIME TO JUST SLOW THEIR FUCKING ROLL. 😤Oaths aren't for everyone and that's okay!)

Anyway. This isn't comprehensive (some oaths can be really specific and detailed, and I've seen some which include descriptions of consequences for either side breaking an oath), but so far I've found these to be a decent starting place for negotiating several of my own spirit relationships.

[uglycourage]

I am officially on Hiatus from MIFIRA.

But, this is not new information. It just puts a name to the past few months of absence as well as where I'm at currently regarding the story

The lack of a laptop has been a bigger setback than I could have ever anticipated. Remember me saying a few months back that I looked forward to seeing how my writing differs when I'm hand-writing everything? I was so optimistic, so naive ... The reality is my thoughts rush almost constantly, always have. A keyboard can keep up with that, my hand and pen can not. Especially when I'm so deep into a story that already has an established flow to it

Beyond the above, what it also boils down to is -- its been impossible to come up with anything. I reread the story, I look at and add to my notes/outline. All of this, numerous times. Over and over again. The flow and motivation simply doesn't come, and I know better than to try and force it

Rest assured, the headspace for this story is not gone, it just doesnt want to come out.

I find that these sorts of things have a way of cycling back around. Maybe the less I try to chase after it, the better chances are of it returning?

In the meantime, I've lost myself to a brand new hyperfixation... a German mountain of a man I didn't know anything about prior to a month ago. Hoooooooly balls have I lost myself! I didn't think I could daydream about someone else as frequently, intensely or romantically as I do Mr. Ledger, but this is not the case, as I've so thoroughly learned

Maybe this is a good thing as it'll give Mr. Ledger a rest from my imagination so he can return as the Joker with a vengeance when I least expect it

I do believe in hyperfixation burn out... thinking or relying on someone or something so strongly and intensely that you not only lose interest in them/it quicker, but it ends abruptly and without warning. Mr. Ledger has been a daydream companion since he passed in 2008, popping in and out of my imagination and thoughts at his leisure

He's been working overtime the last 3 years. He needs a break.

I have no doubt he'll return

Does this all make sense? Or am I weirding you out?

((On an irrelevant side note, I finally figured out why I am the way I am. The mental health journey I embarked on this year isn't going the way I expected at all, but I'd never have learned the things I have about myself if the road wasn't so non-linear. If you're on a similar journey too, don't give up. Sometimes a breakthrough arrives just when you need it most)).

Back to this post-- I am writing bits and pieces of a story for my current hyperfixation, and there is a good chance I'll be posting that story when the time is right (if I can ever get over the cringe I personally feel writing RPF)

I'm mentioning all this for the sole purpose of reassuring you I've NOT abandoned MIFIRA, I've not banished it to the pits of hell, I've not assumed my uglycourage 2.0 form that has a persistent case of amnesia... ...err... um... err... what was I saying... beep boop, sneep snoop... doo doo doo... where am I , what year is it, WHO A R E Y. O. U. P E O P LE

Recap. My pulse still beats. I am officially on Hiatus from MIFIRA. New German guy hyperfixation make my brain and loins go brrrrrr! I'll probably pursue the story I have in mind. Doesn't mean I've abandoned MIFIRA. It's just that the focus/attention/motivation/flow is not there

I would rather write something than nothing at all, because at least then I'm working out that muscle. So, when Ch. 45 finally is ready to write, it will hopefully be a more seamless transition into it

I am sorry the news isn't better. I'm sorry my focus has a willpower of its own. But your girl hasn't forgotten you, your support, or this story

I'm Rick Astley, bitches.

[dear-mrs-otome]

omg ;-; thank you so much! I didn't want to trouble you and I realize it kind of sounds like a forced blog game thing in a way so x) I appreciate it. So! I only play the Cybird games: Yoshitsune, Ieyasu, Isaac, Ray, Rayvis, Gaku, Haru-Akira/Kirisato. I don't play prince. If it helps I also previously liked Byron/Albert and am also a Mozart/Harr enjoyer. I can see some similarities between a few but not sure what are more common threads overall. Thank you again for your thoughts! ♥︎♥︎✨

I don't mind at all, thank you again for the opportunity - I hope I don't disappoint you!

First off, I have to say, this is a lovely collection of suitors you have here. I got your message about Diluc as well! A good number of my own favorites are on this list. (Gaku my love 🥰)

The first thing that sprang to mind as I looked them over was that... they seem very alike to me! These are all 'quiet' men. Not necessarily in the sense that they are stoic, or don't speak at all - they're not cold or aloof per se. But they're often the sort to observe and assess a situation and rarely react on the basis of emotion alone. They would rather err on the side of reticence than jump to wrong conclusions, and they’re content letting others take the spotlight without being pushovers. They don’t feel the need to call attention to themselves or derive any sort of validation from it.

These are also all very principled, disciplined men with strong passions and well-defined goals, even if you can't see them right on the surface. Even Gaku, who at first blush appears the greatest slacker of them all, has some incredible motivation if you scratch that exterior. There’s a lot of idealists and dreamers in this group, all aspiring to work towards something bigger than themselves, and they're more than capable of achieving those goals.

Thirdly, these are all men who bear a great deal of admiration and respect for their MCs. Even the two or three who shade slightly tsun (Ieyasu, Isaac, and Mozart) have very thin veneers and once cracked think the absolute world of their partner.

So if I may be so bold as to jump to my own conclusions...what I might suggest is that you seek out men who are happy to truly listen to you as a person. Who say, 'I hear you'. Who cede the floor, who don’t need to make things about themselves, who offer and even create the space for you to be yourself and support you in doing so (whether that is because you are quieter yourself and need someone to respect you enough to let you go at your own pace OR because you enjoy steering the direction of conversations and thought). Men who approach you as an equal and a partner and are incredibly devoted and caring - and never, ever leave you questioning how much they value you. 

I'd also venture that you respect and admire their drive and ambition and how they balance it with their morals and don't lose sight of respecting others in the pursuit of their ends.

I hope that maybe I gave you at least a hint of something you hadn't seen about them all before, but even if not, thank you for sharing these with me and honoring me with your favorites!

[imagining-hogwarts]

Forever - Draco Malfoy imagine

request: Hi! Before I send you a request ,I'd like to say ,that I love your posts and fics! I was wondering ,if you could do Draco x reader. Plot - there is an American exchange to Hogwarts [for half year] and then reader and Draco ,in the beginning are enemies. Later they start to see each other in the different light ,but don't want to admire it. When the farewell comes ,they kiss and promise to see again. Then ,after the war [or something] , Draco is Astoria's husband and reader just has to reconcile

A/N: takes place sixth year. This is sad..

Words: 1965

---

“Would you please take your head out of your ass once in a while?” You groaned. “I know you don’t like me, I don’t particularly like you either, but it’s just one hour.”

The blond haired boy didn’t even look at you. “I’d rather spend my whole christmas break with Potter, than partner up with you.”

You rolled your eyes. “You’re just a spoiled little brat.” You sighed as you opened your potions book infront of you.

“What did you say to me?” I looks could kill..

“Well that’s what you are aren’t you? Go run along and cry to your daddy.” You mocked.

Draco was just about to say something when Snape had stepped up to your table, furious. “If you two can’t put your stupid squabbles aside for one hour, I’ll have you both in detention for the rest of the week!” He exclamied, giving you both a stern look before he turned on his heel to continue his lesson.

The last two months had looked pretty much like that. You had thought that it would be exciting, getting the opportunity to be this years excange-student. Being able to live in scotland for half a year, studying at a different school and possibly gaining friends for life. Well, you had gained a few really good friends. Especially Ginny. She had taken you in right from the start, seeing you eating alone at dinner that first evening. Since then you two had been quite inseparable. She was the one who had told you about Draco Malfoy, when you had asked about him a lunch that second week. She hadn’t really described him as the nicest person, and after being her for nearly 2 month, you could understand why.

You wasn’t even sure how it all started.. But could barely count the times you two had been at each other’s throats. Arguing and fighting over the smallest things. You had decided you’d try to ignore him the rest of the time. It was only a few months left at Hogwarts after all, and you didn’t want to waste it on Draco Malfoy of all people. That was until that day you were walking through the castle late at night and something stopped you in your tracks. You could hear something from somewhere down the corridor. Was that sobbing?

Peaking around the corner, you saw a figure in the dimly lit corridor, sitting down against the wall. Since the person had their knees brought up against their chest, and head in their hands it was hard to make out who it was. But you couldn’t just stand there could you? The person, whoever it was, was clearly having a terrible hard time and you couldn’t just leave them there in the middle of the night. So you took a breath and slowly walked towards the figure.

As you came closer, you noticed that the person was a guy, and it looked like he was shaking. You also noticed the pale color of his hair.

“Draco?” He looked almost as shocked as you felt when he lifted his head to look at you. But his suprised look quickly turned into annoyance.

“Oh, you of all people.. great” He tried to act casual as he wiped his tears away from his face.

You just looked at him a little concerned, unsure of what to say.

“What?” He asked, still annoyed. “No snarky comments?”

You sighed, this was no time for arguing. “Are you alright?”

It seemed like he aswell hasn’t in the mood for arguing at the moment. He looked down at his hands, avoiding your gaze. “Why do you care?”

“Well I know we’re not friends but.. You look like you could use one.” After a few moments of silence you walked up to him and sat down next to him. You didn’t talk, or touch, but you were pretty sure that he appreciated your company. Even if he’d never admit it. And you sat there with him in silence for hours, until he was okey.

---

About a month had passed since that night. Slowly but steadily you and Draco were beginning to warm up to each other. The arguing had stopped, you started to greet each other with a smile when you passed each other in the corridor. Eventually you’d started to really enjoy each others company. You had suddenly gone from enemies to.. friends?

You were sat in the astronomy tower, late in the evening, working on your charms essay. It was quite nice up there, especially at this hour. Everything was still and quiet, it was a nice change from what you were used to.

The sound of footsteps alarmed you as you looked around, wondering who was interrupting your study-session.

“Oh, hi” Draco sounded suprised as he rounded he corner and saw you there. “I didn’t know you would be here.” He smiled at you.

“I come here sometimes, I like the silence.” You returned his smile.

“Oh, err..” He scratched the back of his neck as he suddenly looked a little uncomfortable. “I don’t want to disturb you..”

You laughed at his sudden shyness. “Oh come on Draco, I enjoy your company. Come sit down!”

With a small smile he sat himself down next to you. Was he blushing?

“So, what are you doing here?” You asked as you put your books away to the side. You could use a break anyway, and honestly you were happy it was Draco of all people that showed up.

He was quiet for a moment before he answered. “The same as you I guess.”

You tried to catch his eyes but he didn’t look at you, he just gazed out at the mountains surrounding Hogawarts. It had only gone about a month until you had started to really get to know each other, but that look he was having right now, you knew what it meant. Something has burdening him. You cared for him, you really did, but you had learned that it was usually best to let him come to you with that kind of stuff. And usually he wouldn’t really talk that much, he just wanted someone to sit with him, just like that night.

“You know, I never really thanked you for what you did, that night” He turned his head and looked at you.

You shrugged. “I mean I didn’t really do anything..”

“You didn’t have to.. you simply were just what I needed.” Your eyes locked and you could feel a shiver run through you. “You’re pretty great you know.”

You blushed. “You’re not so bad yourself.”

Draco smiled at you, then he gazed at the view again as he shook his head, still smiling. “Well, it’s pretty late. I should probably head back to my dorm.” He stood. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

You said your goodbyes and a few seconds later you were alone again. Smiling to yourself you picked up your books again and continued.

---

Another month passed. Today was the day. Today was the last day for you at Hogwarts. You could never have thought that it would be this hard to leave.

You were just done saying goodbye to all your friends as a certain boy appeared in the enterance to the great hall. Your eyes met. It was Draco. He looked like he hadn’t slept all night.

“Go talk to him.” Ginny ushered you as she’d noticed what you were staring at.

In the last month you and Draco had spent most of your time together and you had grown even closer to each other. You couldn’t deny that you could feel something in the air when you were together. It was almost like electricity. Ginny had noticed this aswell. You wouldn’t say that she particularly liked the fact that it was Draco of all boys you were spending time with. But she noticed that he made you happy and what kind of friend would she be if she didn’t support you? Nothing had really happened between the two of you though. But maybe that was for the best, you were leaving anyways right?

You walked out of the great hall and now you were standing there, face to face with Draco, ready to say goodbye. Only you weren’t ready, not really.

“So.. you’re really leaving huh?” He had his hands in his pockets.

“Yeah, the carriage will be here to pick me up any minute now..”

“Right.”

There was an awkward silence. Both of you unsure of what to say.

He cleared his throat. “So I guess this is goodbye then.”

You swallowed. “Yeah I guess so.” You looked at each other for a moment, silently. “Well, goodbye then.” You could almost feel your heart breaking as you took one last look at him before you turned around. Although you didn’t get to take more than one step before you could suddenly feel a hand on your wrist.

Draco pulled you back to face him, he placed his hand on your cheek and pulled you in for a deep kiss. It felt like you were melting inside, you had been waiting for this for so long.

“I couldn’t let you leave without telling you.” He panted as he pulled away from the kiss. “I love you.”

Your eyes began to water as you looked at him. “I love you too.”

“Then why are you crying love?” He laughed as he wiped away a tear from under your eye with his thumb.

“Cause I still have to leave.”

He embraced you, holding your shaking body close to his. “I know..” He stroke your hair before placing a finger under your chin, bringing your face up. “But this wont be the last time we meet. And I’ll write you, every single day. I promise.”

You couldn’t help but laugh a little at his excited face. “I promise too. Although, I don’t want to, but I really need to go now. They’re waiting for me.”

“Yes ofcourse.” He wiped away the last tears from your face before he kissed you one last time. “I love you. Forever.”

“Love you.” You turned around and walked away.

---

20 years later

You were standing at the 9 3/4 platform giving your son a kiss on the head.

“You’re going to be fine Andrew.” You smiled down at him. “You know, I only spent half a year at Hogwarts, but it was the best time of my life.”

Dean Thomas was standing beside you, arm around your waist. “It was there we met actually.” He kissed your cheek.

“Ew stop it!” Andrew looked at you, disgusted. You couldn’t help but laugh a little.

“Run along now, you don’t want to miss the train.”

You gave your last goodbyes before Andrew stepped on to the train. You gazed at the crowd of people, parents, sons and daughters, as something catched your eye. Or rather someone. It couldn’t be, could it? The pale-haried man turned around and there he was. Draco Malfoy.The boy you had loved so deeply. The boy who would always have a special place in your heart. And by his side, a woman and a young boy. He looked happy.

“Y/N?” Dean woke you from your transe. “You ready to go?”

“Yeah” You smiled at him and Dean gave you a quick peck on the cheek before he took your hand and started to lead you away from the crowd.

You took one last longing gaze over your shoulder at Draco. Thinking about what could have been. At least he was right about one thing. It was not the last time you’d see each other.

For a moment it looked like he had noticed you aswell. But you had already turned around and walked away. Forever.

[treadmilltreats]

Reopening up the world 

Recently #45 told the world that we, the United States of America will be reopening. After 2 weeks of quarantine he feels it is enough, even though most other countries have been in lock down for a month or more, Mr. Know it all said he knows what's good for us. 

There are two opposing sides here. We have the one side that decided to take to the streets and protest that we should reopen, they want to get back to work and most likely get back to their partying ways. Of course #45 wants this because his hotels, golf courses and his other businesses are losing money. His high powered friends are probably pressuring him as well and then of course there is the stock market where him and his friends probably bought up billions of dollars in low cost stocks just waiting for the economy to bounce back to double or triple their money.

On the other side are the realists, we also want to go back to work but we are more cautious, we are worried about a relapse or a second wave of this that will come back to wipe out so many more people.

It's not that we don't need the money or don't want to get back to our lives, it's just we want to know it's safe for us and our families.

I get it, we all had enough of a lockdown, we did all of our chores or maybe we did nothing all day but watch Netflix but whatever we did, we are over it already. But here's the thing, do we err of the side of caution or do we throw caution in the wind and walk out into uncharted territory with so many lives that could be in danger? 

Trust and believe I need to get back to work just like the rest of the world.I am a single mom now supporting everyone because we all lost our jobs. What little money I am making has to make sure our mortgage is being paid, our lights are on and that we have food.

And yes, I too have done enough projects to last me a lifetime but I have to tell you that I am scared when I walk outside. My heart races, I am constantly worried that I will bring this home to me or my girls. It's everywhere, on everything, you don't know who is a carrier, or who may affect you and it's down right nerve wracking.

This is something that we haven't seen in our lifetime, this is uncharted territory and we must proceed with caution as we know nothing about this. I'd rather take it slow than kill more people. I don't think people are thinking clearly because if you asked them if opening back up the country, would mean that they would be willing to lose a couple of members of their family in doing so, what do you think they would say? 

Okay, I can already hear the peanut gallery, going "Sure if I can pick who they are, then that's okay"

 

But you can't pick and it could be your wife, your child, your parents, you don't know who it will be and are you really willing to risk that? That is the question here, are you willing to risk life or death of the people you love? I'm not, I'm good and even if we are stuck for another 4 weeks, if that means I keep my girls safe, I'm good with it. If it means I will be here to hopefully see the world change for the better, to see my girls walk down the aisle or have children themselves, then that is what I am picking. 

I am picking life, I am picking health. I am picking the life of millions of other people's family members because that's what we do. We sacrifice for the masses, we make the hard choices even if it hurts because it is for the betterment of all. We need to go into this with a clear head and know that this decision can cost millions of people's lives, this is not about the economy or money, this is about human life and how much is that worth?

So today my friends, remember we must choose wisely because this is a choice of life and death and so far we are losing. Let's not gamble with our lives and our loved ones lives just so we can reopen the world.

"Be the change you want to see"

 

"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

**Now released my latest book**

The Blessing in Disguise.... revealed

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***Now available***

My 1st book The blessing in Disguise 

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