#still want to rub his fuzzy head like it's a crystal ball and i'm some cheap ass fortune teller at a county fair | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mollymauk-teafleak · 7 years ago

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"I'm pregnant... and it's yours" Philip and Theodosia pls!!

Okay so, this does not actually contain these words but I wrote some baby stuff for these two a while ago that fits this really well. It’s angsty, beware.

“You okay?” Philip asked, smiling at his wife gently.

Theo jumped a little, like she’d been so far away that his voice came as a shock. Her large eyes fixed on him and he caught the anxiety sparking in them before she hid it behind a small, delicate smile. A smile that looked like it was about to break.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just excited,” Theo insisted, shuffling down a little lower in the reclining half chair half bed, looking small and fragile and exposed. Her eyes darted around the small examination room, flinching slightly at every mechanical beep or tone.

Philip reached over and took her hand, letting her thread her fingers through his. He didn’t need to say anything; he didn’t need to acknowledge the soul deep tiredness behind her eyes. He just needed to help her fight it.

Of course Philip understood why Theo hated hospitals. As she laid there, clinging to him, he could still see the scared and heartbroken twelve year old she’d been, shivering and wracked with sobs, crumpling to the floor in the corridor of the cancer ward. It broke his heart to think about it, to be reminded of the fact that his precious wife still carried that pain around with her.But they were here for a very different reason today. They had to hold on to that.

The doctor was all smiles and encouragement when she came back into the small room, asking Theo how she was feeling, how things were going, if the nausea was easing up any, all of it going on the chart marked ‘Burr-Hamilton’. Theo pulled a face, obviously thinking of the string of miserable mornings they’d spent with Theo vomiting repeatedly into the toilet, while a bleary eyed Philip rubbed her back and held her hair and tried not to yawn too obviously. He smiled sympathetically, squeezing her hand, and answered for her that the morning sickness was still pretty bad.

Their OBGYN, Dr Cohen, a kind middle eyed lady with trusting eyes, smiled and nodded, “Well that’s a little unusual for it to still be so bad, we’ll talk about that after this,” she set the file down on the table, “But for now, let’s see what’s going on in there. Lift your shirt for me, hon?”

She was very good, perhaps sensing her patient’s nervousness, explaining exactly what she was doing and why before she touched Theo. Philip felt her shiver as the cold gel was smoothed over her skin, he squeezed her hand in what he hoped was a supportive way. In the weeks since they’d first stood in their apartment’s cramped little bathroom, looking at those two little pink lines and clutching together, sobbing with pure happiness, he’d spent hours daydreaming about what lay under his wife’s skin. He knew it was a scientific process, cells and divisions and mutations but when he closed his eyes and thought about his child growing there, all he had was words, beautifully poetic and artistic words that brought tears to his eyes when he came to write them down.

And now he’d be confronted with the realness of it, like a dream crystallizing into reality. Philip felt a little dizzy to be honest; he’d never been so excited for anything in all his life.

He let himself watch Theo’s face as that tiny little sound filled the room, the fuzzy pulsing that was their baby’s heartbeat. He watched her eyes widen and her free hand fly to her mouth, an expression of pure awe and joy dawning on her face. Within seconds, the image of her was blurring and distorting as his eyes filled with tears. Philip had told himself that he was going to be cool about it, that he was going to keep his head.

But he just couldn’t. That was his child, up there on the screen, at the moment nothing but static and shape but it held so much promise. A drip of wax flowing down the edge of a candle, so many different possible forms it could take. Their baby.

Philip squeezed Theo’s hand tightly, felt her grip him back.

“Oh!” Dr Cohen’s voice broke their reverie; shaking both of the bewildered new parents back into reality, “Hold on…”

Philip narrowed his eyes, wiping his cheeks dry on the sleeve of his sweatshirt, “What is it? Is something wrong? They’re okay, aren’t they?”

He knew he was sounding panicked way too early, that he was scaring Theo but it was like he couldn’t help it.

“No, no,” Dr Cohen soothed, “Just let me see…”

She peered at the screen, pressing the detector harder on Theo’s abdomen, down on her now constantly swollen bladder, making her squirm uncomfortably. Philip pressed his thumb to the palm of her hand to steady her, to remind her that she was right beside her.

“Oh…” the doctor turned to them, smiling, “It’s twins.”

Philip and Theo both blinked, like Dr Cohen had slipped into a language that neither of them understood, all of a sudden.

“Huh?” Theo was the first to find her voice but, even then, she couldn’t muster much.

The doctor smiled, pointing to the screen, “There’s two babies in there. You see, ones tucked away behind the other but you can see the head right there and the legs down here and…” she moved the detector, sliding it across to the other hemisphere of the growing globe of Theo’s belly. There was a discernable change in the sound filling the room.

“A second heartbeat,” Dr Cohen smiled, “Congratulations, you two. You’re having twins.”

Drying his eyes had been nonsense. Philip tugged the neck of his hoodie up of her his mouth and sobbed, so shocked and delighted he just couldn’t do anything else. And he’d wanted to be cool.

“Theo!” he babbled joyfully, his voice thick, bouncing up and down in the chair, “Oh my god, Theo, twins! I-I can’t believe it; this is amazing! You’re amazing!”

Theo didn’t say anything. Her hand was still over her mouth, like she hadn’t quite grasped what had just happened, the dramatic turn their lives had taken in the space of ten seconds and two words. She didn’t look at her husband.

Dr Cohen took the detector from Theo’s skin and wiped the contact gel from her belly, smiling at her patients fondly as she said “How about I give you two a minute alone…”Once the door had quietly clicked shut, Philip turned to Theo, ready to wrap his arms around her, but he felt his heart lurch. She’d tightened up into a ball, her head between her knees; her skin had turned ashen.

“Th-Theo?” Philip stammered, shocked.

“Pip,” she whined, her voice trembling, “I’m going to be sick. I’m going to throw up.”

He blinked and jumped to action. In the first few weeks of living with a pregnant lady, he’d learned to not ask questions when vomit was threatened. He grabbed the recycling bin from the corner of the room, getting it in between his wife’s knees with a millisecond to spare before she hurled into it, retching and spitting, like everything she’d eaten in the past year was trying to get out of her mouth. Philip winced, sympathetically, rubbing her back, taking her lion’s mane of hair out of the way with one hand.

“It’s okay, Theo, don’t worry. I’m here,” he tried to raise his voice over the sound of her retching while still sounding comforting.

Once she was finished spluttering, Philip moved the bin away, wondering vaguely how they were going to explain that, casting about for some water for her or something like that. The sight of the tears in her eyes stopped her.

He had a sickening feeling that she wasn’t crying because she was happy.

“Theo? Theo, baby, are you okay?” Philip took hold of her shoulders, “Talk to me.”

“I-I’m fine,” his wife murmured, her voice sounding faraway. Her hands moved to her stomach but stopped just short of it, moving to her neck instead, fluttering like startled birds.

Philip felt instantly guilty, “I’m sorry, Theo. This must be so much for you to take in, I shouldn’t have reacted like that…”

Theo didn’t look at him, she was staring straight ahead at something that wasn’t there, “I’m just…yeah. Overwhelmed.”

“Of course you are,” he recognised the expression on her face, he’d seen it before. More times than he’d ever wanted to. She was about to have a panic attack.

“I think I just need…a minute. To…to…” her voice trailed away.

“Take all the time you need, Theo, it’s fine.” This wasn’t how he wanted this to go.

“No, I mean…” Theo closed her eyes, her bottom lip trembling, “Could you maybe take a walk or something. I need a minute. Alone.”

Philip was stunned. She’d never sent him away before. Whenever Theo felt like this, she usually clung to him, like he was her anchor, like he was the only thing keeping her tethered. She wanted him to hold her and stroke her hair and tell her everything was going to be okay. And he was more than happy to do it, anything he could do to help. But now Theo was asking him to leave.

Was it because he’d done this to her?

He hoped she couldn’t see the expression on his face as he patted her shoulder and got up to leave, muttering words about how it was perfectly fine, she should take all the time she needed, he’d be right outside, all she needed to do was call, words that felt like they were coming from someone else. Philip looked at her before he closed the door.

She still wasn’t looking at him.

Once he was outside, perched on the edge of a flowerbed, breathing heavily, tears flowing down his face, there was only one thing he wanted to do. He pulled his phone out and found his father’s phone number, trying to get a hold of himself as he listened to the rings.

Alex answered quickly; he always did when it was one of his children calling, “Philip! How’d the scan go? You’d better be stopping by with pictures soon.”

Philip had to smile, despite it all, at the fact that his dad had six meetings with clients today, three articles to write and a statistics overview to finish but he still remembered that today was their first ultrasound.

“It was, um…” he began before breaking off with a small laugh, “Actually is mom there with you? Kind of want to talk to both of you.”

Alex paused, if he was alarmed he decided against showing it, “Sure thing, buddy, she’s right in the other room. Hang on.”

In the brief pause as Alex went to go and fetch Eliza, Philip tried to slow his breathing and get a hold on himself. All he could think of was Theo, alone and upset and crying and scared for reasons she couldn’t put into words. And he was powerless. Hell, he was the one who’d caused it. How was he supposed to-

“Hi Philip!” his mom’s voice, low and warm and comforting, broke his train of thought. Just the sound of it made the tension in his muscles ease, like it had since he was a little kid.

“Come on then,” his father’s voice betrayed his unease, “How’d the scan go? Are Theo and the baby okay?”

Philip mentally skirted over the first part of the question and settled for a shaky sigh and, trying to sound positive, corrected “Babies. There are two of them. Twins. They’re both perfect.”

There was a long silence from the other end of the phone before he heard his mother squeal delightedly and his father exclaim in Spanish.

“Oh my god, Pip! That’s amazing!” Eliza shrieked, her voice sounding further away, Philip correctly guessed that she’d jumped to her feet and was bouncing up and down with joy.

“Jesus Christ…” Alex breathed, his voice turning thick with tears, “That’s incredible, son, we’re so happy for you!”

“Thanks,” Pip murmured, closing his eyes. This was what he’d wanted, this love and surprise and celebration. But now he had it, it was all tinged with guilt and sadness as he thought of Theo.

“Where’s my daughter in law?” Alex demanded after a while, while Eliza was still too overcome to actually speak, still off in the background chanting ‘oh my god’ over and over, “I need to tell her that she’s brilliant and beautiful and amazing.”

Philip hadn’t been planning on telling them exactly but the words we’re out of his mouth, the tears down his cheeks before he could stop, “She’s upset. The doctor told us it was twins and she just…she freaked. She was sick and she started crying and she was shaking like she was having a panic attack or something and she…she asked me to leave. She didn’t want me there.”

The last part was lost to a sob, Philip felt his face contort in misery and his shoulders start to tremble.

“I’ve ruined everything,” he whispered brokenly.

There was another pause, shorter this time before Eliza’s voice came back closer, “Oh, Philip, no. You didn’t…you haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just…she’s overwhelmed. You have to understand how scary this is for her, even though you’re both happy about it.”

“But what if I’ve forced her into this and she doesn’t want it?” he whined unhappily.

“You have to trust that she’d tell you, if that was how she felt,” Eliza placated him gently.

“B-but how can I fix it then?” he nearly sobbed, “How can I stop her feeling like this? I can’t stand it.”

It was Alex who answered this time, his voice grave and sad; he was the resistant expert on anxiety.

“She’ll need you soon, Philip,” he murmured, “She just needs time for now to work through how she’s feeling. She’ll be ready for you to help her before long.”

Philip tried to focus on his father’s words. He wished, not for the first time, that he could go back to the time when everything his dad said could be taken as complete truth, safe in the knowledge that he would never lie to his family.

That time was gone. But Philip felt that he could trust him on this.

“Okay. Thanks you guys,” he murmured, breathing deeply and wiping his eyes on his sleeve, “I’ll go and see if she’s ready.”

“Okay,” Eliza replied, a sad but sincere smile in her voice, “And come over soon! I want to see my new grandchildren.”

Philip nodded, “Sure thing. As soon as Theo’s okay.”

“And Philip?” Alex put in, just before he hung up.

“Yeah, dad?”

“We’re really proud of you. You’re going to be brilliant at this,” Alex said quietly.

Philip smiled. He genuinely smiled.

He kept that smile on his face as he went back into the hospital, found a red eyed and shaky Theo running to find him, wrapped her up in his arms and shushed her frantic apologies with a gentle kiss. His hand met her’s, already resting on her belly, protective and welcoming.

Philip had a feeling this wasn’t going to be easy. But it would be worth it.

Philip hovered on the stoop of his parents’ house for a while before he actually went inside. He couldn’t ignore the guilt that ran sharp and metallic down the back of his throat, he couldn’t pretend that he didn’t feel like he was betraying Theo somehow by coming here. Like he was admitting defeat, confessing that he wasn’t good enough to fix this himself. Those feelings kept him rooted to the step for a long while, his forehead resting on the dark wood of the door forlornly.

But Philip knew he couldn’t spend another night like that. He couldn’t watch his wife thrash and scream in terror, like she was writhing to get away from something chasing her in her dreams, flinching away when he tried to reach for her. He couldn’t watch her hunch over herself and sob like her heart was ripping in two, until the sun came up.

He couldn’t. It would break him.

So Philip went inside. He knew he didn’t need to knock; this was his home as much as his and Theo’s shoebox apartment. But he still followed his mom’s age-old rule of kicking his shoes off before padding his way to the living room, yelling over the usual racket of a house full of six young Hamiltons.

“Guys? It’s me!” he bellowed, across his sibling’s shrieking.

The noise stilled for a heartbeat after his words until it came back in a roar as all six of them came barreling at him, nearly knocking him off his feet in welcome.

“Pip! Pip!” Little Liza practically climbed her eldest brother, her eyes shining. His sister wore his mother’s name proudly but her face was every inch Alexander’s, all sharp lines, hooked nose and shadows, illuminated with restless excitement. Philip grinned and kissed her forehead.

“Hey there, pipsqueak,” he grinned, “Who’s in? Mama or Pops?”

It was Will who answered, bouncing up and down, his mop of hair that he wouldn’t let his mother cut flying wildly, “Pops is at work, Mama’s in the kitchen.”

“Awesome,” Philip hadn’t really held out much hope that his dad would be here, at this hour he was probably still lost in a maze of reports and case files. It was his mom he really needed.

It took a lot of convincing to get them all to disperse, insisting that he needed to talk to mama and he would definitely play with them afterwards, of course he’d never leave without saying goodbye. And still AJ was leaning on the banister at the bottom of the stairs, watching him with his usual lazy, hooded gaze. He was dressed way nicer than normal, but still with his usual extravagance, a shirt that from this distance looked like it was made of velvet, deep purple jacket and tight black jeans.

“Dickhead,” he smiled warmly as his older brother, accepting the offered half-hug.

“Asshole,” Philip nodded back conversationally, doing their usual thing of trading insults like pet names, “What’s with the David Bowie getup?”

“Date night,” AJ shrugged, “Taking Eli to the usual place.”

Philip smiled. He really liked his brother’s boyfriend. Despite his brother’s usual air of feigned disinterest, he could tell things were really going somewhere.

“Hey,” AJ’s expression softened, to an unusual level of concern, “How’s Theo? I was texting her today, she seemed…off.”

Philip caught himself before he could wince visibly. Since moving out, he kept forgetting how scarily perceptive Hamilton’s could be. He wasn’t going to be able to hide any scrap of his current predicament from them.

“Yeah, I, uh…that’s what I’m here to talk to Mama about actually,” he admitted.AJ nodded, looking like he wanted to press for more information but showing an impressive amount of restraint, “Okay. Well, if anyone’s going to be able to sort it out, it’s mom, huh?”

Philip nodded, steeling himself and moving past him to the kitchen, “Yeah. That’s the plan. Hey, tell Eli I said hello. You guys have fun tonight.”

AJ grinned at him over his shoulder, tapping the wallet in his back pocket, deliberately pointing out the circular shaped indent that Philip couldn’t see but knew was there, “I’m sure we will.”

“You’re disgusting. He’s too good for you,” Philip shook his head in mock despair as he walked away.

“Oh, I’m aware of that,” AJ tossed back, turning back up the stairs to finish sorting his hair out.

Philip listened to his brother’s footsteps, taking a deep breath. He really, really hoped AJ was right.

His mother was leaning against the kitchen counter, having simply been waiting for his siblings to release him. She swept him up in a hug, managing to make him feel safe and held, despite the fact that he was nearly a full head taller than her.

“Its so nice to see you, Pip,” she smiled, pulling back to study his face like it had been three months since she’d seen him rather than three days, “Just dropping by?”

Philip bit his lip, getting the words out before he could chicken out, “Actually, no. I was hoping we could talk.”

Eliza simply nodded, “Of course. Is this a cup of tea sort of talk?”

He gave her a small smile, “I’d say so.”

So within five minutes, Eliza was perched on Alex’s desk in his office, her feet on his chair, watching her eldest carefully over the rim of her favorite mug.

He could tell she was waiting for him to speak but the words just weren’t there yet so he settled for a weak, joking smile, “If anyone else but you went in Pops’ office without asking, he’d skin them.”

Eliza tilted her head, “It’s a privilege…Philip, honey, can I ask…is this about Theo?”

So he wasn’t getting away with it. Philip looked down at his hands, wrapped around a mug of steaming tea, muttering, “Yeah. It is.”

Eliza’s face twisted in sympathy and concern, “She’s still finding it difficult being pregnant?”

Philip nodded, determined to last until at least half way through the conversation before breaking down in tears. But he could feel it was going to a challenge.

“Mama, its like she’s terrified,” he whispered, dejectedly, “She’s so much worse than I’ve ever seen her, as bad as when she lost her mother.”

Theo had had an anxiety disorder for most of the time Philip had known her, certainly all the time they’d been a couple. It was something he wished he could take away from her, he hated how it pained her, but he accepted that it was part of her. So he loved it with all of his heart, just as he loved every other part of his wife. But the fact that they were expecting their twins in three months seemed to have sank her right back down into the darkness they’d both been spending years pulling her out of.

It just wasn’t fair.

“How so?” Eliza leaned towards Philip, “I’m sorry, I know this is hard, I just want to understand a little better.”

Philip swallowed back the lump in his throat as best he could, “Like…she keeps having really awful nightmares where she wakes up screaming but she won’t tell me what they’re about. She spent nearly all of yesterday in bed, I couldn’t get her to do anything, it’s like she was so far away. Obviously, she’s really uncomfortable all the time but I ask her what I can do and she just doesn’t answer. And…and when she’s dreaming and I’m trying to catch hold of her so she doesn’t hurt herself, I touch her and she…she pulls away, like she can’t stand having me near her. It’s only for a second but…it hurts.”

The next thing Philip knew, his mother had darted from her perch on the desk and was on the sofa next to him and her arms around him tightly. After a heartbeat’s pause of surprise, he dissolved against her, the tension he’d been feeling for weeks finally bursting out of him while his mom stroked his curls.

“S-she doesn’t think she can d-do this,” he managed to wrench out between his tears, “She thinks s-she’s too ‘messed up’ to be a mom, like she actually said that.”

Eliza closed her eyes, her expression pained.

“I-I love her so much, Mama,” Pip sobbed, “And I t-tell her over and over how she’s going to be amazing and brilliant and…and…she just doesn’t believe me. But there’s nothing else I can do.”

Eliza murmured soothingly as he cried, letting his sobs turn to hitching, shuddering breaths before she said a word.

“My poor boy,” she sighed unhappily, pulling away so she could wipe away the tears from his freckled cheeks with the balls of her thumbs. He leaned into her touch, his expression mournful, his raw eyes begging her for some kind of explanation, some way to fix this. He was honestly willing to do anything.

Eliza chose her words carefully, pressing his cup of tea on him again, knowing the warmth and the sugar would help, if nothing else.

“Philip, listen, what Theo’s going through is hard to understand but its not uncommon, not in her position. Carrying another life inside you is…it’s terrifying. It’s one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. And with the problems Theo already has, its bound to be even harder for her.”

She watched her son’s expression crumble and she quickly insisted, “But that is not your fault. That’s just the way it is and it sucks, it really fucking sucks. But its no one’s fault and you can’t blame yourself.”

Philip knew his mom only swore when things were serious and he appreciated her words more than he could ever say.

“But…I can’t help her,” he whispered, “I don’t know what to do, mama, I feel so helpless.”

“Philip, she’s so, so lucky to have you, caring about her this much. She knows that, even if its hard for her to show it,” Eliza’s face fell a little, her eyes clouding slightly, “Believe me, doing it alone is so much harder.”

Philip’s eyebrows knitted together in a confused frown, “Mama…”

Eliza covered her big hands in her’s, feeling how strong and calloused they were after a lifetime of frantically scribbling poems on any blank space available. She remembered a time when they were smaller than one of her palms.

“When I was pregnant with you, your father was in the army for most of it, deployed across the other side of the country. I could only write him letters; there was no contact. And I…I worried about him all the time, I dreamt of all the horrible things that could be happening to him. I couldn’t eat or drink or sleep, every time I shut my eyes I saw him die…”

Her voice trailed off, her head turned delicately to stare out of the window at something Philip couldn’t see. He held her hand, his expression worried.

“And I had you. I wasn’t used to it, it was all new and intense and I didn’t really have anyone to talk to so…as much as I loved you, I was scared of you. Scared that I wouldn’t be able to take care of you. A lot like how Theo probably feels.”She turned and gave him a watery smile.

“Except my hero was hundreds of miles away. But Theo’s isn’t,” she reached over and tapped his chest with one gentle finger, “He’s right here.”

Philip blushed and ducked his eyes but the beginnings of a smile flickered across his face.

“She is so lucky to have you, Philip, trust me. You’re doing much more for her than you could ever know. And she will realize that, if she hasn’t already.”

“Do you think you could talk to her about that, about how you felt the first time?” he asked nervously, not wanting to push too hard, he’d never heard his mom talk about this before, he wasn’t sure she’d want to again.

But Eliza nodded, “Of course. I’ll call her later tonight. I’m only sorry it took me this long to mention it…I mean, it’s been a long time since I even thought about it…”

Philip sighed and leaned against his mom’s shoulder, “Don’t apologise. It’s fine. I understand.”

He needed to figure out where Eliza got this amazing ability to take the hugest problems and twist them and shrink them until the didn’t seem so scary, using just her words alone.

If he could do that for his children, if he could be half the parent Eliza was, then he would consider himself a success.

#phildosia #hamliza #baby fluff #angst #alexander x eliza #ficlet

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