#still in a rut tbh or i would have done the thing i've been planning but i logged in long enough to snap this at the least

[hylfystt]

happy birthday babygirl 💜

[shittyzevra]

A rant

1. Work - Are things supposed to feel like they click when you do them?

Do I just have to feel like my work is a click? I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and I don't know where to go from here. There are targets for myself that I can't seem to fulfill.

And the weekend is coming soon, I'm supposed to enjoy this but nothing feels like they click too.

2. Social and Ramadan - I wanna just socialise with people but everyone seems to be busy and have their own plans. I wanna hit up some people but 1 on 1 sessions with these people just don't hit the same.

I wanna go jiu-jitsu but the schedules are just not damn aligned?!?

Gahhhhh I'm supposed to love Ramadan but I can't seem to love it as much as some people do.

3. Goals - what the fuck is this even right now? I'm trying to catch up with my goals, income goals? Not achieved because of my stupid analytics and plans. Connection goals? Yeah no, I don't seem to be doing a good job at maintaining those as well. Masters? I got an offer letter from my uni, but no foken finance for that, how tf am I supposed to pay now?!?

First quarter of 2023 has been losses over losses and I've been trying to keep it together for my team and the people that rely on me.

I lost the people that I can hang on to, all my friends have families that they have to tend to, my partner is 10hrs away and my family relies on me so who tf do I got right now

What tf am I doing wrong?!?

Random rant

So much of my mental energy is drained to just reply messages, getting my shit together and just exercise.

I want to have a sense of stability and reliability, I want to build on that. I'm so tired.

At the end of the day my work output is declining, less people believe in me and I get nothing done.

I wanna feel light, I want to have a healthy conversation with someone. Can I just talk about star wars? How mandalorian has been so awesome this season? Or how lame Andor is and that it makes me so damn sleepy.

Or on One Piece where there's a whole new chapter that's just bonkers, I wanna talk about theories

Hell I wanna go to the gym with someone, let me compliment your weight progress and how ripped your arm looks now.

What about random activities you can do around town? Cooking class? Pottery? A movie club??

I know I'm not a boring person, I know I'm smart, I know I'm quite fit

Why can't I maintain conversations? Why are people still dodging me? Why can't I get a scholarship? Why do I struggle to be productive?

Lord please help me get out of this rut, at this rate I'm just desperate to socialise eith someone properly. I wanna engage in a proper conversation where all of us are just engaged with one another instead of busy thinking about the next thing we want to do or their headspace is not in the conversation.

I'm tired, I want a win so bad. A new better paying job in a respectable place or a financing institute that would pay for my tuition. Anything tbh. Or even huge leap in my relationship goals

Whatever wins, I'll take them, and I pray that I'll be grateful for that small win too