#still haven't managed to arrange therapy but i should be able to get that set up next month. thank god

[junewild]

some of you might already know that m & i want to start a family. and for more than six months now i have been desperately wishing that we could start today, or even yesterday. but there are so many, many steps between here and there.

we want to do right by them. we don't want them to grow up in poverty. i remember being a food bank kid. he remembers being homeless. so... before we even get a vasectomy reversed & an iud removed, we need to increase our income, pay off debts, figure out long-term stable housing (ideally be on the short path to buying a home), do some fertility testing, establish good healthcare relationships, and a dozen other smaller things.

and... even after all of that, there's the big unknown of. what if we can't? what if i can't get off my psych meds? what if it takes too long? what if my mom's fertility issues are hereditary? what if the vasectomy reversal fails? what if, what if, what if?

i'm trying so hard to live in the moment, to enjoy the here and now, not to take for granted these precious days of just the two of us and three cats in a 500'2 studio, of him working from home and me only out of the house three days a week, of sleeping over at my mom's every weekend, of building a relationship and a life together. days that i know i'll miss.

but i've never been very good at keeping my mind out of the future. my best friend keeps sending me baby videos because he wants kids too and every one of them squeezes my heart. we watched matilda this week and cried the whole time. burrow's end is destroying me from the inside out, but i can't look away.

i just. i want. up to this point i've gotten very good at stuffing my wants, even this particular one, under the bed and ignoring them, but... this one has gotten too big for that these days. it won't go quietly anymore.