#stage at any moment and i was so so strezsed i didnt know anybody and ppl wuld be taking pictures and i had to smile and i was in this fancy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bornunderpunchestheheatgoeson · 3 years

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It was when I was about 16 I stress posted a selfie on Snapchat with the caption " I wanna die so much its unreal" or sumthin like that, and an irl friend of mine (who I wasn't particularly that close to) replied with 'LMAO girl honestly me too', that I realized perhaps the trend of memes about depression and killing yourself being so popular among the youth was a bad thing. It was surreal

#i was modeling btw i and my self esteem is so fucked up beyond repair i was wearing a fancy dress and heels and was literally about to go on #stage at any moment and i was so so strezsed i didnt know anybody and ppl wuld be taking pictures and i had to smile and i was in this fancy #dress and heels and i felt inadequate and was literally spiraling minutes before my turn to go out and my fucking thing is i have to make a #joke out of everything or i actually will kill or hurt myself and so to both boost my self esteem and sort of downplay my mini spiral i was #having i posted a selfie with that caption. not something id do nowadays but i was a kid going thru stuff it was at the same time a cry for #help but also a way of putting myself down bc i would post real anxieties and suicidal thoughts i had but frame it as a joke to for some rea #son downplay the severity of it. like make the fact that im insane and miserable into not that big of a deal #i will still sometimes do things like that i think anyone who has been following me for a while has seen countless instances of it #but ive gotten a lot better at not doing it and im better at catching myself when i wamna do some unhelpful shit like that #its still second nature to me bc i fucking have to be a comedian about literally everything but i am working on doing better #um anywayyy moral of the stories depression memes have their limit and that wave of Depression As A Joke the internet went thru in 2016 was #way too far over the limit amd unhelpful for people who already are depressed and people who are starting to have these thots and dont neces #sarily know what to do about them or get help #good morning btw

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