#sry if there's any errors or the pacing feels off or smth i wrote this like pretty quick feedback is welcome

[bravetimetravellingaussie]

I am here

chapter 1

(link to chapter 2 here)

Warnings: swearing (it's pretty tame just a little bit of angst)

Also spoilers for 911 8x15

"What's your problem?"

"What the hell are you talking about, Buck?" Eddie said with a frown.

"With Tommy, you keep treating him like sh*t. You don't have to love him, but he is my boyfriend and I just don't know how I'm supposed to deal with you hating someone I care about."

Eddie scoffed.

"I don't hate Tommy."

"Yes. You do. You snap at him every chance you get and you treat him like he's an idiot and like he's committing an offence to humanity just by existing."

Eddie nodded his head slightly and looks away for a second.

"Fine, you wanna know?" Eddie asked, pointing his finger at Buck's chest. "You wanna know why I treat him like he's an idiot? Because he is one, he is the dumbest son of a b*tch I have ever met."

After everything that happened Buck was too tired to feel guilty about how easily Tommy took him back, how quickly he forgot everything that Buck had said, how seamlessly he fell back into his place in Buck's life. Far too tired. One night when he woke up in the dark and couldn't fall back asleep, his sister's words echoed back to him, about how he needed to learn how to be alone again. Big words coming from someone who wasn't alone. Being faced with death made you want to hold the living closer, Buck wasn't going to let go. Not again. Not until he had to.

He'd finally gotten his wish. When Eddie moved back to LA a couple of months after the incident, Buck moved in with Tommy. Their house was quiet. The time they spent together was wrapped up on the couch or in bed. Tommy had stopped trying to take Buck out on date nights after being turned down every time. Buck was too tired.

Things at work were quiet too. Buck and Ravi had gotten closer, but it was a quiet comradery built on shared grief. Buck didn't cook much anymore, when they ate it was take out or a revolving door of pasta sauces. Eddie seemed to be the one least affected by it all but Buck knew that was just because Eddie had always been the best at burying things.

***

Almost half a year passed before things started coming back to life. Shared snickers at ridiculous calls, exchanged smiles at the kids' birthdays, not a return to normal by any means, but the development of a new normal. Buck started saying yes to Tommy's plans. He was finally beginning to enjoy the new normal.

But then there was Eddie. After the funeral, they lost touch with each other. There wasn't much to talk about, and what little there was too big and too raw for words, too terrible to talk about out loud. And then when things had gotten better it felt awkward to start again and Buck didn't try. When Eddie told him he was coming back to LA, he couldn't tell if the feeling in his stomach was excitement or dread. But then Eddie was back at the 118 and it was as if he had never left. And Buck couldn't put into words how glad he was. The conversations he'd had with Tommy and Maddie all those months ago felt liked they'd happened a lifetime ago and Buck was just happy to have Eddie back. Except that he seemed to hate his boyfriend.

It was those snide remarks made when you're looking for any excuse to criticise someone. It was death stares hidden behind sarcastic smiles. It was anger released in sharp precise bursts that were easy to miss. But Buck couldn't. And he was scared if it continued, he'd lose Tommy for good this time.

"Buck, what's going on?" Eddie asked when they were finally alone after a shift. "You've been looking like you wanna tell me something for the whole day."

"Yeah," Buck smiled awkwardly, trying to ignore the twisting in his stomach. "Uhm. Do you mind if I ask you something?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

"What's your problem?"

"What the hell are you talking about, Buck?" Eddie said with a frown.

"With Tommy, you keep treating him like shit. You don't have to love him, but he is my boyfriend and I just don't know how I'm supposed to deal with you hating someone I care about."

Eddie scoffed.

"I don't hate Tommy."

"Yes. You do. You snap at him every chance you get and you treat him like he's an idiot and like he's committing an offence to humanity just by existing."

Eddie nodded his head slightly and looks away for a second.

"Fine, you wanna know?" Eddie asked, pointing his finger at Buck's chest. "You wanna know why I treat him like he's an idiot? Because he is one, he is the dumbest son of a bitch I have ever met."

"What are you talking about?"

Eddie breathed heavily for a couple of seconds, staring into Buck's eyes with a terrible intensity.

"He's stupid for letting you go in the first place. He's stupid for hurting you. He's stupid because he never really appreciated you while he had you, Buck, not like he should have. That is why I hate him."

"Yeah, well, he was there."

"Buck-"

"No, no, it's okay, I'm not angry at you, we've been over this, you were in El Paso for Christopher and I came to terms with that. It's just how it was. But he was here. And I needed someone."

"You deserve better."

"I'm happy with what I have. And you need to stop hating Tommy because he was here and you weren't."

"I-" Eddie was getting that look in his eyes again, the look he'd given Buck when he found out he was Freddie Fakeman. Buck felt his own eyes tearing up.

Eddie was being ripped apart from the inside. I am here now, he was screaming. I am here, I am here, I am here, can't you see that?

Eddie felt his chest tightening and suddenly his head was swimming and he was grabbing fistfuls of Buck's shirt and his breathing was too fast and he was feeling faint and then Buck was holding him up and then they were on their knees in front of each other and Buck was holding him and his forehead was resting against Buck's chest and he was staring wide-eyed at the floor between them. Buck was calling his name. Buck's hands were on his back, moving up and down slowly. And Eddie was crying so hard he could barely sob between gasps of air.

"I-"

"Sh, sh, it's okay, it's okay Eddie, I've got you."

"I wasn't-"

"It's okay, it's okay."

"I wasn't- I wasn't there!"

"Eddie-"

"I wasn't there! I'm never there! I wasn't there for Shannon and I wasn't there for Chris and I wasn't there for for Bobby and I wasn't there for you and I was never there!"

"You're here now, Eddie. It's gonna be okay, sh, you're okay."

"I wasn't there."

Buck pushed Eddie away enough to look him in the eyes, holding onto his shoulders.

"Let's get one thing straight, Eddie, you listen to me, I am glad, I am so terribly glad it hurts, that you were not there, because, Eddie, having to be in there, being there while I knew Bobby was right there, he was right there but he was already gone and there was nothing I could do, Eddie that was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I am happy you weren't there. And I don't blame you for not sticking around after. You hear me? I don't blame you. Okay?"

Eddie nodded.

"Good." Buck pulled Eddie in close again. "Plus, you came back, that's what matters most, that's better than Abby, and Blaze come to think of it," Buck added with a sniffly laugh.

Oh fuck, did I just compare him to my ex girlfriend whose house I lived in for months?

(link to chapter 2)