#sorry this is a lot there's a lot of stuff i've never reeally said about my old headspace

[elytrafemme]

hi. so it is new year’s eve, and because i’m the way that i am, i’m going to get way too personal about myself as sort of a ‘send off’ to this year, and whatnot. just, like, vocalizing my thoughts, i guess.

i have had this blog since May 15th, 2021. i’ve been using tumblr since sometime July 2020, as far as I am aware, but in terms of /this blog/, it’s a pretty new thing. and also probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me but i’ll get to that, promise.

2021 was obviously a fucking terrible year for a lot of people. i’m not going to get super blown-out and existential, but trust me, i do know that. my experiences are, in fact, universal. but... yeah, 2021 was a very weird year for me.

without going into too much detail, the first few months, and really first half (up until July, honestly) of 2021 all made up the worst period of my entire life. i hadn’t really grasped rock bottom just, as a concept, until that period of time ended. i won’t say too much about it specifically, but, it was not very good. and part of that not being good, as idiotic as it sounds, kind of had to do with how i interacted with the internet.

i started posting fanfiction on AO3 when i was 13, for the danganronpa fandom. i started posting SMP-centric content at some point when I was 15, i can’t remember a specific date nor do i care to check. it’s been kind of a long time of me doing this whole fanfiction thing, basically, and i got on discord when i was 14-ish, too, start of the pandemic. tumblr was, as stated before, a month or so before I turned 15.

bad idea. very bad idea, doing all of that at that age. it’s a bad idea i don’t regret, because it got me here and i believe in the butterfly effect really strongly, but. really bad idea for me at the time.

i developed a really bad perspective on what fanfiction writing was supposed to be like. and again i know that sounds really idiotic, because it literally is just fanfiction, but in the circumstances i was in, it had been sort of blown out of proportion for me. it was the pandemic, i was isolated and going through a really shitty time. i did not perceive internet interactions in a really healthy way.

the reason i made this sideblog, since i am not sure i ever said this before, was out of clear paranoia. i was losing sleep and constantly nauseous over my main blog, mostly because it was very exposed to people who i did not want seeing my content anymore, and i felt extremely trapped. dreamSMP content already sort of put a barrier, but it wasn’t enough. i was having literal panic attacks over my tumblr blog because i was so paranoid about who saw it. 

so i made this sideblog, flipped rapidly between advertising it and hiding it, and started almost entirely from scratch. and kind of went from there. 

it’s kind of crazy knowing that this blog was a thing in the midst of my psychotic break, but. many things didn’t really come out of that cleanly, and this blog was one of few that did. i’m really grateful for that honestly; there have been many times where i would think this was the end and i’d have to cut clean and start over. 

this is getting really long. point is, this blog kind of existed in a really hard time for me. and, we get to the second half of this year.

starting from august, 2021, i entered the /best/ period of my entire life. the way that i sort of reached that point involved some weird psychological fuckery that probably was not meant to happen, but it did and it worked. i started writing fanfiction again and, though i seem really stressed about fics all the time, i assure you that this anxiety (which i see as pretty standard for me) is absolutely nothing compared to what it used to be like. 

you might be noticing that this post is a shitshow. i don’t really know where i’m taking this one, either. 

the end of the year is just sort of a lot for me, basically. because within this single year, i went from rock bottom to my peak, with almost a clear divide in the middle of the year. i entirely transformed as a person essentially, and i kind of started over. 

and i wanted to emphasize the blog piece of this mostly just as a way to thank you all? i know i’ve done this before, oversharing then emotionally thanking you guys, but like. you all seriously have no clue how much you guys have meant to me. some of you-- holly, charm, fira, howls-- have been around since the first blog and, as scary as it is to think, probably directly saw me through this massive emotional crisis. a lot of you are sort of newer to me, hopped here be it a few days ago or a few months ago, and have been so incredibly kind and wonderful to me. 

i have a lot of mixed feelings towards 2022. on one hand, january and february are not very good times of the year for me. on the other hand, as my sibling eloquently told me in words i can’t exactly remember, 2021 has to end eventually and it can’t last forever. on the third hand i picked up on the ground somewhere, it’s hard to say goodbye to a year that completely changed your life. 

(or, if you want to get really mindfucky, goodbye to a year that split my life clean in half: age 15 and before, and age 16 and thereafter. almost two different people.) 

sorry for how long this is, just. there’s a lot of shit i’ve held about my weird mentalities towards tumblr. and i know it all sounds stupid, but i’m an exceptionally paranoid person and even small things caused a lot of anguish.

but i’m glad i’m here. because i’m happy with myself, now. 

and i have all the friends i’ve made, too, and all the writing i genuinely love, that can take me to 2022 safely. and hopefully without a psychotic break. man those suck so bad never get those they’re cringe as HELL

sorry this post is such a mess just. thank you guys. so much. i’m sorry i get so sappy so often i know it’s kind of weird or much but. seriously. i appreciate you guys. 

i could probably say it a thousand times in a thousand ways, but i could never come close to expressing how much i care for all of you and how much you mean to me. 

thanks for following for my writing and shitposts. fic tomorrow. CS tuesday. technically requests still open til midnight EST. 

love you. <3