#sorry people the oversharing is strong when i'm tired

[salsedine]

15 Questions for "15" Friends

Tagged by @greypetrel - thank you! :*

Are you named after anyone?

50%-50%? My parents swear that they weren't influenced by Greta Garbo in any way or form - they just liked the name. Stella is for my great-grandmother (hungarian origins, archetype of the "strong woman of the family definitely born in the wrong era").

When was the last time you cried?

Last week. <- Same, wohoo! But it wasn't a big cathartic cry - kind of a disappointing one, really. Yes, I'm a Pisces, of course I sort the act of crying in different categories.

Do you have kids?

Premise: I don't hate kids, and I feel strongly about the fact that they should be more respected as individuals / human beings with their own agency. That being said, I'd rather torn my uterus apart with my bare hands. Or gift it to somebody who wants it. So no: I never wanted any.

What sports do you play/have you played?

Various - tennis for a few years, soccer at school, some athletics. But my love was (is?) dancing - I did modern jazz and then contemporary dance for about seven years. Currently I'm taking hatha yoga classes, which is quite painful most of the time - but necessary, since I have a full time office job and I'm glued to the chair.

Do you use sarcasm?

Me? Never ;)

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

How they move/occupy the space they are in: if they use a lot their hands while talking, how they laugh, their voice etc. I'm a "I first see the broader context and then the single detail" person. And no, I don't judge.

What’s your eye color?

Green/grey

Scary movies or happy endings comedies?

It depends on the definition of 'scary', I suppose. Since that's ambiguous, I'll go with comedies. The right answer is: period dramas, obviously.

Any talents?

I have a very strong memory (name/surname and voice and things they confessed to me of my classmates from Scuola Media, and that was 15+ years ago), which is both useful and anxiety-inducing. I have a pretty good balance, and with some stretching I think I can still put my foot behind my neck?

Where were you born?

In a hospital ;)

What are your hobbies?

Painting/drawing, swimming, photography, reading, trying to find plants that I won't manage to kill. And listening to music - I'm useless with instruments, tho. BUT I do have an electric guitar that my father gave me and I'd love to try to learn something, as soon as I'm not renting and I have a proper place.

Do you have any pets?

Does a seaweed (yes, a marimo) count as a pet? I grew up with a dog, and he died many years ago. Since then I had no pets. Now that I live on my own (very discreet flatmate aside) I'd like to have a cat, but I think it would be better to have a bigger flat, and just more space in general. I'd hate for them to feel bored and costricted, it doesn't feel fair. Right now I don't plan on getting another dog, for various reasons.

How tall are you?

My ID cards have different ideas: the new one says 168 cm, the old one said 170 cm. We shall never know!

Favorite subject in school?

Art history, history, philosophy, biology, and chemistry applied to fine arts.

Dream job?

AHAHA Anyway! Illustrator or teacher. Ideally both. I'd love to work in a museum too, since I already have some experience in that field. Overall, I guess that I need a mentally stimulating job that makes me feel like I'm doing something meaningful - in a way or another. (This is why I briefly considered looking into art therapy, but knowing myself I'd just feel like a huge fraud). ...and I just noticed that all my dream jobs are based on communication (either through visual arts or...talking?) and relating to other people, which is hilarious considering my whole self.

Tag time! :D Maybe @birdkeeperklink - @pyritefes2 & @mafaldinablabla could be interested? Absolutely no pressure tho, feel free to skip this if it's not your thing!

Byeeee

[linabirb]

1, 2, 3, 5, and 18 for Dazai, Makima, Reo, Bachira and Yuno. :D Ooh, you're into Kakegurui too! :DD The same questions for Kirari and Yumeko.

hi aurora!! ty for asking! (sorry for a late reply, i was busy ><)

"Why do you like or dislike this character?"

dazai:

LITERALLY JUST THISCHJSJKSKSKD he's everywhere. every single time there's an anime guy with fluffy brown hair and brown eyes you just KNOW someone in the comments is gonna be like "omg he looks like dazai" no he doesn't.

also.. idk i just got tired of him. i did think he's funny when i first got into bsd (i was 13-14 so you didn't have to do much for me to think you're funny) but now everything about his behavior is so. ugh. it's like okay!! you're a walking red flag!! not in a fun way!!

i still think he's a well-written character though. just not my type.

makima: i can just say that i'm into dominant women honestly her design is so cool!! i have her plushie right next to me rn. she's staring into my soul. she's a really cool and well-written character and i don't know, there's just something about her that still makes you (me.) trust her even though you know she's the villain here. also i really love characters who do horrible, horrible things but they believe that there is no other way and they believe they're doing the right thing. something about her is also weirdly comforting to me but we're not gonna unpack that right now that moment in the manga when she said that denji can just rely on her and he doesn't have to do anything. that felt personal to me. also the fact that in the end she just needed a hug and needed someone to love her.. idk, it's probably cheesy, but i found it heartbreaking.

reo: HE'S JUST LIKE ME FR!!! it's pretty much impossible for me to talk about reo without oversharing stuff so i'm just gonna say that. well. i know what it's like to be a sheltered kid who doesn't even know what they want from life but when they finally start to realize what they probably want, they get hit with that "nah don't do that" and also his relationship with nagi is so... HHHHHHH been there. done that. know what it's like. i was literally going "BABY NO. NO DON'T DO THAT IT'S ONLY GONNA HURT YOU MORE" even though i do like this ship djdksks. anyway yeah his character is very realistic, it was so painful for me to read the part where nagi was like "nvm i need you actually" and he said that exactly when reo started to move on...

bachira: i actually didn't like him that much at first because i'm usually not a fan of characters who.. like. have this "weird and goofy" kind of personality, i just find them kinda exhausting, but bachira's character actually turned out to be much deeper than i expected and i find him very relatable as well. also most of the time he felt like the most normal character to me HSJSJKAKDK

yuno: SHE IS SO. *falls on the floor and starts sobbing* i'm not usually a fan of characters who are like.. very fun and cheerful on the outside, but they're actually suffering (and i have. so many ocs like that. ironic, isn't it) because most of the time it's either written kinda poorly, doesn't feel relatable, or the fandom just boils their character down to that one trait, but yuno's character felt very refreshing to me, because her t1 personality already felt kinda fake and even es mentioned that she doesn't have to pretend around them and when yuno really does stop pretending, like. it's so cool because at the same time she changed a lot, but you know that she actually hasn't changed at all and she's always been like that. there always were signs that yuno is actually colder (haha get it) than she acts so it isn't surprising for her to act this way in t2 and it doesn't feel too drastic. also her wanting to be seen as an adult and wanting people to stop coming up with sympathetic motives for her is so.. it's so good.

kirari: hmmm i actually don't really have a strong opinion about her! she's cool! but i like her design a lot! her hairstyle, her eyes, her iconic lipstick, she's so pretty!

yumeko: YUMEKO JABAMI THE WOMAN THAT YOU AREEEEE... the crush i had on this girl when i was younger was so. shsdjasksksk. i know i just said i don't really like "weird" characters but yumeko is so unhinged, it's so fun to watch! i really like kakegurui exactly because of how it just. lets women do wild things and be in the center of attention and all. i like how at the same time it's hinted that her character is much deeper than it seems, but also she just REALLY likes gambling!

"Favorite canon thing about this character?"

dazai: probably not really a "canon" thing but i think his bsd wan design is cute :3

makima: SHE'S SUCH A GOOD MANIPULATOR IT DRIVES ME INSANE /pos

reo: i'll just put this here.

bachira: HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS MOM IS SO. 🥹🥹🥹🥺🥺🥺🥺

yuno: her answers to the interrogation questions are always so funny like you just know the girl is gonna deliver. "can you speak other languages?" "i can't speak english!" <- written in english. "can you tell us about your family-" "I ALREADY TOLD YOU I DON'T HAVE A FATHER"

kirari: that one scene with her and sayaka falling from that tower has changed me as a person forever

yumeko: she takes gambling so seriously, it's both cute and terrifying jdkdksks her relationship with midari is so funny 😭😭

"Least favorite canon thing about this character?"

dazai: his. uh. his personality in general jskslals SORRY IF HE WAS REAL I WOULD'VE PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE ALREADY

makima: hmm don't think i have one

reo: it's like. at the same time it's basically my fav canon thing but sometimes i'm like "dude. please let nagi go. i promise you're gonna be fine. he's gonna be fine. guys. guys please"

bachira: don't really have one! good for you king

yuno: m-maybe the abortion reveal was too early?.. it's like, at the same time it fits her character, but i really feel like it was a bit rushed. (well if it really is true and it doesn't turn out that her murder actually was different) also GIRL WHO SAYS "uhh yeah that's probably murder". PROBABLY???

kirari: at the same time i like her "way too powerful student council president" status, but sometimes it feels like. too extra for me jdkdlsls

yumeko: sometimes i forget that her main motivation is to play a game with kirari, but then i remember and kinda.. get disappointed.. like girl what about simply having fun and vibing. her character does NOT need a goal!! she's perfect WITHOUT any motivation!!

"What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?"

my brain goes empty when it comes to music I'M SORRYDJDKSDLDL

"How about a relationship they have in canon with another character that you admire?"

dazai: not really "admire", but i think his dynamic with atsushi is cute.

makima: .. i don't remember her interacting with anyone except denji and some other characters HSJSKSLSL

reo: .. again DOES HE EVEN HAVE ANY IMPORTANT DYNAMICS WITH OTHER CHARACTERS. NOT COUNTING NAGI.

bachira: his relationship with nagi and isagi is neat :)

yuno: her relationship with kazui.. much to think about..

kirari: her relationship with sayaka! i don't ship them but i think their dynamic is really interesting.

yumeko: i'm going to say something controversial but. i think her dynamic with suzui is actually kinda cute?? again i don't ship them but it's. it's wholesome :)

[okchijt]

If you’re up for another alphabet, could it be a yandere one with Yuya Kanazaki from A.I.C.O. Incarnation? Thank you!

Author's Note: Thank you so much Anon for the request! Now the show and the character are severely underrated so I was very surprised to even get a request for it! This is also the first time I write anything yandere related so I'm very sorry if this is gonna suck. But I hope you and the people without any idea about the character or the show will still enjoy this. But I honestly don't think this isn't going to get any traction at all, but I'm fine with that cause I'm just happy to get a request from one of my favorite shows ever lmao And lastly, go ahead and check out my masterlist if you like what you just read and if you want to request anything yourself, thank you, and enjoy!❤

Yuya Kanzaki -> Yandere Alphabet

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

Yuya is a pretty reserved guy, but he's not shy about showing physical affection either. He'll mainly pet your head if you've done something that pleased him or he has to touch you in one way or another. It could get extremely intense sometimes because he needs to hold/touch you in one way or another because of how paranoid and protective he is over you.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

Yuya is willing to do just about anything and everything for you, but he won't get messy if he doesn't need to. He'll only kill someone if he absolutely has to, he'd rather manipulate/trick them into leaving you alone or set up an accident for them to either get extremely hurt in or even die. But if he absolutely has, he will get his hands bloody, just for you.

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

Nope. Yuya will act the same as always, but once you're with him he will be a lot more demanding and controlling of you. He'll expect you to listen to him "no questions asked" and do what he says. If he tells you to go to bed even though you're not tired and will say to him, he will force you to lie down anyway and make sure you stay there. There is honestly no arguing with that guy.

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

Depends. Would he force himself on you? Absolutely not. Yuya may want you to return his affections, but he's not so far gone to do that to you, he wants you to be willing and decide for yourself at least in that department. Though like I said earlier if he wants you to go to bed or wants you to eat, he will make you do it with or without consent.

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

Barely ever. Yuya will only ever get vulnerable with you if you got a strong reaction out of him for whatever reason to which he'll begin to lose his cool a little and maybe overshare some of his thoughts and feelings with you. He'll begin to frantically tell you how much you mean to him and to always listen to him so you wouldn't get hurt in whatever way.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

With how in control Yuya wants to be regarding you in every situation, he wouldn't be happy about it. He'd expect and even tolerate it if you decided to act out during the beginning of you're relationship. But if you still continue despite how long the relationship is, Yuya will only get more annoyed each time and his punishments will get harsher. He'll begin to address you in a more strict and threatening tone while squeezing your wrists or shoulders tighter as if daring you to do the thing he's against again. If you don't back down and repeat what you did, he'll lock you in the basement with nothing but a bed and he'll make you stay there until his anger dies down.

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

Nope, not at all. This isn't a game to him, not in the slightest. Yuya loves you and needs to keep you safe, you escaping is the opposite of that. He absolutely hates when you do that and once he catches you, you won't be able to leave his side once for weeks. He'll follow you everywhere or make you follow him everywhere for the next few weeks until he can begin to trust you again.

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

If you push his buttons hard enough, he'll lock you inside your room or the basement with no entertainment or human interaction at all for God knows how long until you learn your lesson. The punishment doesn't sound so bad but you could be locked in that room for weeks on end if he so pleases.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

A normal domestic day-to-day life. Yuya doesn't really care for marriage or having children, but if you'd want that then he's more than happy to deliver. He just needs to wait until you learn to love him.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

Yuya barely ever gets jealous, but when he does, it's hard to tell. He normally just keeps it to himself and just be more touchy-feely with you if he can in order to make the person he's jealous of back off.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

Yuya would still be his reserved self around you, but he'd be more relaxed and affectionate too. He'd always have to be touching you in some way, standing so close to you that your shoulders/hands touch, or just being around you whenever he can.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

The same as with Aiko. Yuya will just randomly appear in your life by either becoming an exchange student or starting work in the same job as you. He just wants to be in your life as soon as possible to get close to you before you realize what's going on.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

Not really. Yuya acts mostly the same more or less, he's just visually more relaxed around you compared to everyone else. He's just generally softer with you than with the others and more caring.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

Yuya doesn't like punishing you, but he will if you act out and continue so even if the tells you to stop. Yuya's punishments would consist of him locking you inside a room and not letting you out until you learn your lesson or invading your personal space, making you extremely uncomfortable the whole time cause he won't stop being near you until you apologize for upsetting him.

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

Depends, Yuya is a really protective guy over you, and depending on what you want to do he might step in and put his foot down. For example, you're free to wander around the house all you want, but if you want to go outside then only under Yuya's watch. The same can be said about other activities like going out or cooking, depending on how dangerous something seems to him, he won't let you do it unless he's around. But if we ignore that then that's pretty much the only right he'll take away from you.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

Extremely so, Yuya is a very patient person, but he's had moments of that patience cracking with others, but almost never with you. You'd really have to push him over the edge to lose his patience with you, and we already know what will happen if you do, so it's not worth it.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

No. Yuya is a person that cares a lot about people he's close to, and you're one of those people times a 100. I think Yuya would just completely shut down, blaming himself for your absence in his life, not seeing a point in living anymore if it means you're gone.

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

Not in the slightest. Yuya does what he does to keep you safe, it's his duty and responsibility to do so. He doesn't view it as wrong as long as you're safe with him. And no, Yuya would never let you go. Keeping you by his side is his entire identity and goal, that's all that matters to him.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

When he had to change bodies and once The Matter broke out. Something snapped in Yuya when all of that happened, fearing you'll meet the same fate one day he vowed to take care of and protect you. And it only got worse for you down the road.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

Yuya doesn't like seeing you like that one bit. Can you tell though? No. His expression is always the same, his features are just a tad bit softer when he sees you like this. He'll leave you alone for a bit to come down and to let it all out, only once you're ready Yuya will approach you with a cup of tea and tissues for you. And if you'd let him, he'd hug you or even cuddle you until you fall asleep on top of him. It's the only time you'd ever see him this vulnerable with you, so appreciate it while it lasts, because once you feel better Yuya's yandere tendencies will kick right in again.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

Yes, Yuya doesn't kill people, he sees no need in doing so. There's already so little of the human race thanks to The Matter that he doesn't see the point, he'd rather use people than kill them. But like I said, if he absolutely must, he will kill, but that's rare.

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

Barely any, if you met Yuya after he transferred bodies then tough luck cause he ain't showing any weakness to you. If you knew him before he changed bodies then the guilt of being one of the reasons that The Matter exists would be the way to go. You might even break his mind if you push him too far, and that won't be pretty.

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

Absolutely not! Yuya would never hurt you, he doesn't even allow the thought to enter his mind. You're just far too precious and important to him to hurt you.

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

Yuya sees you as a slightly above him equal, you're just far too perfect for him. Yuya would do just about anything for you, he'd study you and stalk you before approaching, using the things he's learned about you to his advantage. You wouldn't suspect a thing of his true feeling and intentions until you get kidnapped, only then will learn his true colors.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

Depends, if it was before the outbreak, a very long time or never. Yuya wants you to live as a normal person in a normal relationship for as long as it's possible, never letting you suspect him of who he really is. But with The Matter around, at most a month so he can prepare everything you need before taking you to keep you safe.

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

Depends on what kind of person you are. If you're satisfied with Yuya being the only human interaction that follows you and controls you all with the excuse of "keeping you safe", then yes. But I doubt that. You'll grow desperate to get away from him and spend time with your loved ones again, making you either go crazy or shut down emotionally. Yuya doesn't want that to happen though so he'll try anything to keep that from happening while sticking to the rules he set up for you. Though ultimately, the breakdown would be unintentional on Yuya's part, doesn't mean he's not to blame.

[aris-ink]

Me at the fact you suddenly can't read

JKDKDKLDK I couldn't resist

But anyways 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

It really is awful, though! I'm sorry you've had nightmares since you were a kid, and it sucks about the insomnia being recent. Mine appeared when I was in secondary school, so I feel you about it being recent. It sucks 😩. It's always the case when you try a variety of things, but nothing works. I'm really glad you mentioned this to your psychiatrist, though. That's fantastic! And that he gave you the sleeping pills to help you 💞. For me, it was the reverse (depression, then insomnia 🤗) JDKKDKD, and that's incredible that you got a good night's rest after trying that out! I feel you about the grandma thing (because same), back aches, and the likes on my end + other pain, so I can only imagine with fibromyalgia 🥺

What's the truth? Sorry KSKDKDK, I'm having a hard time keeping up because I'm stupid, and my brain is slow today ASHDJFK. But I couldn't have said it better myself, it really is horrible when you can't rest at night because of nightmares and it really is difficult to deal with, especially the detrimental effects on your mental health 🥺💕. Also that they don't typically start for no reason, too. But you're okay, my love! You don't have to apologise. It's just something I'll have to manage 💖 but yes! I am too 💚 and hopefully that's the case for you too — soon enough 🫂 I'm returning the hug and love right back ♡

You're welcome 💚💚 I'm glad you're talking about it! I'm here anytime you need to talk. My DMs are open 🥺🤗 and especially as someone who has gone through a similar thing — I really do understand, and I could easily say the same about you being wonderful and sweet 💕

Also — don't worry about oversharing. You need an outlet on some scale! kskdkdkd

oh look, I suddenly gained back my ability to read 💖 sdhagwgdgs I love you <3

thank you my love, that means a lot to me... ❤️ and honestly all of this taught me that asking for help is important! I didn't have to struggle on my own for so long. no one ever should. 🫂 aw don't worry about that 😭 I'm really tired so my brain is super mushy as well. I meant that what I said about you and this topic is the truth - it takes a lot of strength to get through things like that, and you are very strong. and so kind too, which can be difficult when everything around you sucks, so 😭 that takes strength as well.

I am so sorry though, no one should have to go through such experiences, I wish no one had to 🥹 gimmie all your nightmares, pain and bad moods angels idc I'm used to a lot of things, but not to seeing people suffer, I will never get used to that, I hate it so much 😩 I truly hope your depression got a little better as well, I hope that you appreciate yourself and your strength always and see how much light you bring into the world ❤️

thank you so much sweetheart, mine are always open for you as well, for anything ❤️

I'll try 🥺 sorry to the people who are here for the smut and now have to see me rambling lmao ❤️

[softeningmyheart]

Hey, I'm back. Maybe? I think I'm back. Who knows. I want to be more active on here but you know how it is.

Sorry for the inactivity, and sorry to everyone whose messages went unanswered in that time. I've been going through a lot in my personal life and I've been avoiding most of my social obligations, including online. I think its been weeks since I last opened Tumblr at all. Whenever I start struggling, I always stumble back into my three greatest vices; procrastination, escapism, and self-isolation.

You know how when you're in the thick of it in terms of your mental health, and your social energy begins to plummet down to nothing, and you start putting off responding to people so you can sort of mentally avoid being present in reality? But then you feel more and more pressure to answer people as time goes on, and it begins to exceed a reasonable time frame and you start imagining you'll need excuses? But you don't have excuses because you've just been rotting in your bed most of the time? So now you feel like you can just never show your face again because you're too socially awkward to keep up with basic conversations? Yeah. I fell into that trap again.

So apologies if I haven't answered you. I'm just having a hard time right now, and if I'm being honest I'm a bit ashamed of the state my life is in right now so I feel apprehensive to let people into what my daily life is like. I've isolated myself so badly that now I worry that if I don't keep myself I'm just going to overshare with people or trauma dump on them or otherwise make others uncomfortable with my own baggage.

It's just rough when you're living a life you're not happy with but your options for change are severely limited. Hard not to feel like I'm not just some incompetent useless person who isn't strong enough to do anything else. I know rationally that my physical disabilities make things a lot harder for me than others, but I just don't see myself as inherently different from others like that.

My relationship with Allah has been a little rocky. I've had moments of a lot of faith, and moments of very low faith, and a lot of in between where I slip back into old sinful habits because its easy, comfortable, familiar, and ultimately they're all a crutch. I can recognize for myself the way all these things hold me back but I still don't feel strong enough to take action on anything by myself. I know that I won't be able to move forward and really be Muslim unless I make a lot of very difficult changes but the truth of the matter is I am too scared, too tired, too clueless, and I just can't seem to ever muster up the willpower I need to do any of the things I want to be done.

I don't really know what to do. Even when I do, I find that something in me just stops me even if I do not want to put things off. Living at what is considered a normal pace just feels so hard. I feel chronically overwhelmed despite my constant inaction. I know Allah is strong and I can rely on him, but what am I to do when my heart isn't strong enough to trust in him completely and give up on ever looking back? My only hope is that Allah takes even more pity on me and provides me with not only the means to escape this haram lifestyle but the willpower to change and the strength of heart to remain a changed woman for good. Truthfully, I don't know what I need, but I know I need something to change drastically if it's ever going to get any better than this.

[neonponders]

I'm sorry your brain is feeling squished!

Question: what the most outlandish harringrove au/idea/ concept that crossed your mind, but you immediately dismissed because you were worried it was too 'extra/big/over the top'

🥺 😭 Thank you, Graaaaaves 💗

You know, for some reason, I tend to avoid super fantasy au's??? (so says the person in the middle of a werewolf/vampire/witch/merman fics 🙄) Like every time I see griffin/centaur/faun art of the boys I lose my mind, I love it so much. And I recently saw this pic of a pair of lions (it's not weird, it's just a picture of lions lol) and thought.........that's Harringrove. Shape shifters? Steve's hair is literally Kovu from Lion King 2...but I never go anywhere with these haha I think it's the notion of writing horse sex that scares me off LOL

BUT I got brave once and made a tiny drabble on zayacv's post here ~

Apart from these, I am ~ s l o w l y ~ but surely writing a soulmate fic where they can't see colors until they see their mate, AND they can see each other in dreams.

(more under the cut because I'm about to overshare lol)

Cue a LOT of angst because Steve forgets his dreams (like a normal person does lol) and forgets Billy's abuse, so Billy's pissed when they finally talk and he's like????????????? HELLO? You don't care???

They slowly work it out over the next several months, and finally arrange a proper date BUT Billy experiences the crash at the start of season 3, and actually knows about the Upside-Down so he runs fast and far away from Hawkins, standing Steve up, and leaving the team behind to deal with it. Steve knows he's alive because of the dreams but it's still terrifying to wonder if Billy disappeared because he's in that meat spider.

Then he and Jonathan move to NYC and for a while, it's good. Just the daily grind to pay rent and the rush of being outside of their small town. But Steve's growing more and more haunted by the dreams he shares with Billy, because Billy's off living his life and dating - like a normal person, sure, but it still feels like cheating and Steve DID get stood up. They know they're soul mates because they can see colors and Billy left.

He left Steve.

Steve falls into heavy depression, unable to hold a job, Jonathan and Nancy get engaged - rubbing salt into his wounds - he develops an eating disorder because he feels bad about eating the food Jonathan pays for, etc etc etc.

Eventually he reaches a breaking point and uses the credit card his mom pays for to land his ass in therapy. After a few sessions, the woman is like, "Okay. I'm giving you antidepressants and sleeping meds, but you need to really think about the latter because you won't have dreams of your other half anymore."

Steve just wants to stop hurting, so he takes them. And, god, he finally sleeps. The meds make him super groggy throughout the day, and he sleeps like the dead - alerting Jonathan and Nancy that something's wrong, but that's a tangent - but he's finally recovering.

This coincides with Robin getting him a job (because she's in the city too, duh) bartending at a Drag Queen club. Steve's super lost in this place lol he know's he's not straight because - again, Billy - but this whole big, vibrant world of queer culture is new and intimidating and Steve's just so so tired.

But the owner clocks his ability to see colors immediately, because he's visibly bothered by somebody's makeup job. "They're wearing green, unblended foundation but can't tell because it's all grey tones to them."

And when I say this is a club, it's a CLUB. Projected stage, the owner's partner works at a record label, like, the drag scene may be a bit underground, but they're not messing around. These Queens become Steve's fairy godmothers and get him back on his feet, demanding he take dance lessons to be a backup dancer on occasion "Because the people love you, Stevie baby, get your ass on stage."

My favorite point is when the owner tells Steve to go in the makeup room to get a particularly ornery Queen out of their mental crisis and get into costume. Steve discovers their breast plate and it's just NASTY. Covered in caked on makeup and he has his own mental snap of his own. He cleans the weird, silicone thing, and is shouting louder than the whiney Queen,

"THIS IS DISGUSTING! IF YOU CAN'T RESPECT BREASTS THAN YOU DON'T DESERVE THEM AT ALL!"

The owners just love him. "Okay, Bisexual King, you better work."

Meanwhile....

Steve taking the meds to stop his dreams has also made Billy stop having his. And Billy freaks. He thinks Steve is dead, and begins a desperate scavenger hunt to find him.

There's a lot more to this lol like Steve's psychiatrist recommends journaling, and Steve writes a poem that wins a poetry contest, which lands him a big scholarship to an NYC college. So he's colleging by day, Drag Kinging by night. His mom shows up to ask what the hell is so expensive every month on the credit card, and Steve confronts her about her ability to see colors because, "You've worn that specific coral peach shade ever since I was a kid."

So then Momma Harrington is in the mix and the two of them get a place together in the city (probably with Robin too, so that they can have a nice, swanky place and the three of them split the rent). Momma H. also reveals that Steve had night terrors as a kid because he DID see Billy’s abuse. She had to take measures so that he would sleep well and whatever hypnosis they did helped Steve sleep back then.

Steve's writing ability enables him to meet a band, so he writes for the band, and it's an added siphon to get his feelings about Billy out.

It's a very intricate story, obviously lol and it involves a lot of poetry, which isn't my strong suit. But it's very mental health-heavy, so I have to be in a certain place to write for it.

*sigh* thanks for reading lol

[thournewrites]

1-17- 22 Updates

Now that I have my website up and running I think I'm gonna do more in depth updates there and kind of share them here. Not sure the best way to go about all of this but the tools provided on my websites blog are just easier to work with and allow me to share way more snippits. To sum up the post though:

Happy New Year! Sorry if I've said it before, but I truly can't remember! It's been a hell of a few months for lots of reasons, professionally and personally, but at the end of the day there is only one thing that will make me feel better about it all and that's making more stuff! Short Story news: Scylla's Sunset I am still working on Scylla's Sunset. This is def a little bit more of a world rich short story compared to Soul's Choice. I am thinking about putting a few stories together and selling them as a collection of short stories (Soul's Choice would remain free of course.) It's taking some time for me to pull this one together because I don't want to story to feel rushed or hollow, but it's hard sometimes as the writer to see what a reader will see. I just want to make good stuff, or at least the best stuff that I can make. I also have other stories (Soul's Choice and Are these Poems or an Overshare?) out in the Googleplaystore right now for anyone who wants to check them out or support! Interactive Fiction stuff: The Price of Emeralds: I know most people are interested in that. I will say I've made progress for sure! There truly isn't much I can share at the moment without any crazy spoilers but I'd say it's going slower than expected for sure! Haha. Again, it's a pretty involved process if I'm going to do it the way that I want and life has been a little crazy, but in order to avoid a lot of the issues I've run into (coding errors, genders appearing inconsistently... typos) I'm going to be taking a little extra time to work on it to avoid frustrating those keeping up with it as it progresses. There will be a longer time in between updates because of that, but hopefully it's worth it for all of us!

-- Ultimately I'm exhausted as a person, but also feeling really motivated and motivation is enough for right now. I'll feel less tired when it feels less like I'm running in place and more when I can see some progress. I know I can't rush to real progress, but I have a feeling that it will be coming my way this year. I'm putting it out there because if I say it enough maybe it will be true, not just for me, but everyone else striving for their goals. It's not easy, it's not pretty and sometimes the weight of ambition is too much to bear, especially when there are those who offer to help carry that weight but the price is too high or when there are those who try to trip you up. When you can take even a step forward under that weight and navigate the obstacles and know in your heart that it only means more steps will follow, then how strong are you? Pretty damn strong I'd imagine. Even if we're not running, let's be proud of the steps we take forward even if they'll small steps and our breathing is laboured from the effort, it's still further than we were before. -Thourne

[candy-crackpot]

Coming across these autism-related posts I realise I do a lot of these??? Incoming useless tricvia of me:

I hear sounds well. Very well. Like I hear from the 7th floor if the bus passes the bus stop 200 metres from my place.

In the meanwhile I often have problems processing what people say. Not because they are not loud enough, or don't articulate well or go too fast. I hear them just fine and know the words but sometimes it just doesn't piece itself together.

My inability to control my voice volume. Either I squeak/whisper or borderline yell.

Either not talk at all or overshare.

I'm very picky with textures and flavours. I refuse to eat fruits and vegetables that aren't ... tough/hard fleshed (idk if there is a word for this sorry). I have concepts in my mind what food is supposed to be like and stick with it. The only exceptions are peaches and oranges, anything else is a no-go.

I absolutely abhor napkins. I hate to touch or even look at them.

Inability to maintain eyecontact for long. The other end is when I stare at people too much.

Proneness to sensory overload. The light, the sounds become too much to handle and it results in headache and exhaustion for seemigly no reason.

Knowing what I want to say, but being unable to put it in words? Lot of gesturing with hands to help explaining.

Strong urges to move: flail arms, go outsode for a walk, being restless.

Obsession with certain topics. You know what.

Meltdowns/mental breakdowns.

Wanting a routine a lot but find it hard to actually create one.

Hardship with social interactions. Feeling tired and anxious. Not knowing what to say. Being unable to tell someone's intentions/thoughts about me.

Noticing small stuff about people. Idk that they use a certain word a lot or anything.

I didn't notice physical sign of stimming on me but that could be because of suppression... but I find myself fantasizing a lot to calm down. Or just to be able to operate.

Ye something like that thanks for coming to my TED talk.