#sorry i'm real bad at putting my thoughts into words concisely

[kuravix]

I'm going to do a real bad job explaining this but… Is anyone else, like, tired of the fanbase defining Sanji's entire character from his prince years? The kid he was back then is very different to who he is now. I don't think him once upon a time being a prince impacted his current personality much (other than trauma).

"He wears fancy suits." As a kid he was put into numbered t-shirts and shorts. Suits are his own style. He also wears them in a casual style from time to time. "He called himself Mr. Prince" A scene that sticks out to me nowadays is Bon Clay asking him if he's Mr. Prince. Sanji responds "Nope, I'm Sanji. First rate chef of the seas." Hinting at him rejecting his former life and identifying as a sea chef pirate. "Live action gave him a posh, snobby British accent because he's a prince!" What? No, his accent isn't remotely posh, what are you talking about?

He's spent most of his life as a rough and tumble chef. Working, serving, beating up rude customers, feeding the hungry and poor. I don't know, I'd say the Baratie years had more impact on his character and personality than his years of abuse and being treated like a failure. He doesn't act like a prince. He might see himself as a 'prince charming' for ladies but not a legit royal prince.

I've seen people call his Germa years his "true" backstory. Like the time meeting Zeff and nearly starving to death didn't mean much to him. It kinda urks me a bit.

[graysbullshit]

Ok, what the fuck is going on with this new "anti intellectualism" trend? I keep seeing the most obtuse takes laced with lack of nuance on twitter. Suddently it is as if everyone is determined into making everything a part of "good guy" versus "bad guy". Especially when it comes to "cancel culture". People seem to have an issue differenciating "mistake" and "pattern of behavior". It applies to real people, to characters, to SONGS???? It's insane.

Like, with the realease of HOTD I keep seing people saying the wildest things. People have been treating luke's death with a type of seriousness that isn't warranted. Like, I understand he is your favorite character, but why are people acting as if Almond is the devil? Also, the opposite is also true. Why do people insist in trying to take the blame away from almod as if he ISN'T an antagonist? Including the authors! He IS bad and he has done BAD THINGS and he will probably do WORSE things. It's the whole purpose of the character. It's not surprising, it doesn't reflect the character of almod's fans, it should not be excused and it's annoying me so fucking much that I'm starting to wish he'd kill Jake too istg.

Or the Antihero video clip from Taylor. I've seen people say that the word "fat" was being used as a derrogatory insult in the video, and yes. It has been used as a derrogatory insult in the video, on real life, on video games, on books and on other songs. The movement to turn "fat" a positive word is great! But you can't pretend as if the prospect of "becoming fat" hasn't been the biggest fear of any woman for the past 20 years. Taylor was representing this fear, that was caused by the big media, by putting a word that has been used as an insult against her. What is the problem? Did she say that you should be scared of becoming fat? Did she say being fat is a bad thing? No, she simply showed a fear she had that is related to a EATING DISORDER. She is talking about her personal experience people, how ignorant do you have to be to miss this? It's not even a opnion she has, its literally an artistic expression of a personal experience she went through.

Then there's the whole doctor who thing, which I'm not even going to get into because I'll get angry and not be able to articulate my thoughts in a concise manner. In general, my thoughts are [insert angry emoji here].

Then there's all the crazy discussions of my country's politics, which I won't get into because there is A LOT to discuss.

Then there's Tiktok and OH MY FUCKING GOD I HAVE NEVER SEEN A PLACE SO FULLED BY STUPID PEOPLE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. No one does any research, no one even googles anything, no one fact checks. It drives me insane. Tho, I really like tiktok when you ignore this factor.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. It was weighting on my chest and I had to get all of this out of my system.

[missingjackklinehours]

run alone (until i bring you home)

Out of each pleasant memory of Gabriel trying and ultimately succeeding in graciously brightening his mood, Raphael holds a certain memory close to his heart.

Rating: Gen

No warnings apply.

Fic & Playlist available on AO3! (however, feel free to read under the cut.)

@spnarchangelweek <3

Asters indubitably remind Raphael of Heaven's Messenger; his younger brother, Gabriel.

Bold yet delicate petals that sway amiably in the breeze. Gabriel, the animated fledgling who would joyously dance when he was feeling down, carefree giggles falling from his flushed lips when he stumbled. Father forbid if one of Gabriel's elder brothers had a mere smudge of gloom present in their actions—The jubilant fledgling would've been dead set on a clear-cut mission: doing absolutely anything in his power to cheer up his brothers. Gabriel had always been his brothers' little ball of sunshine, much like the vibrant citrine center of an aster flower.

Out of each pleasant memory of Gabriel trying and ultimately succeeding in graciously brightening his mood, Raphael holds a certain memory close to his heart. He wouldn't forget it, even if his mind permitted so.

.•° ✿ °•.

Morning skies were always Raphael's favorite. The dawn of a new day, the faint ghost of the moon stuck stubbornly to the yellow skies like a splendid dream with far too much detail. He would spend countless hours just watching the stars fade.

This particular morning was radically different.

Raphael had just lost his childhood friend, the kind black swallowtail butterfly that had captivated him with her bulging eyes as a meek fledgling. She always met Raphael in his garden, sucking away at the supple nectar within the flushed milkweed flowers he'd grown specifically for her. However, it had been a few days since she'd returned from her lengthy adventure to find a mate, and Raphael was growing increasingly worried.

The dawn skies echoed glum without her fragile wings fluttering across them. The milkweeds looked to weep.

Raphael had never been an expressive angel, quite the contrary. It was all about subtlety with him, something only his closest brothers—archangelic—had knowledge of. He himself hadn't even noticed his mistake: He'd forgotten his watering can before he'd embarked on the short trip to his garden.

It was such a trivial feat that Raphael hadn't cared enough to realize it was missing, until he'd long since reached his garden and after he checked if his swallowtail friend had reappeared; She hadn't. It was like the cherry on top of his sick discontentment—He would have to trudge back to the familial archangel nest with a heavy heart and convoluted thoughts.

At least, he thought he would. A too-familiar presence had abruptly stumbled upon him, and Raphael slightly turned in a befuddled daze towards the nearing sensation of Gabriel's easily-recognizable grace.

Gabriel was supposed to be in combat training with Michael that day. There was no particular reason the youngest archangel should have been approaching Raphael's garden. Raphael blankly watched Gabriel land with a small crash—Gabriel hadn't mastered flight at that point in time.

Raphael couldn't help the nearly-imperceptible upward tug of his lips at the sight of his youngest brother now covered in soil and scrambling to stand up, trying to smoothly act as if he hadn't almost knocked himself out. In his jittery hands glimmered Raphael's steel watering can. Raphael peered at it with interest, his stare flicking up to his brother. Gabriel, after briefly maneuvering his head to the side to spit stray grains of dirt out of his mouth, wiped his lips with his arm before flashing a toothy beam at his older brother.

"You still have soil in your teeth," Raphael had remarked.

He observed Gabriel's expression switch from gaiety to dismayed surprise. The younger angel's hand shot up to scrub frantically at his teeth. Raphael's attention reverted to the spot behind Gabriel, the spot where his brother had crash-landed, and he softly sighed in dissatisfaction when his eyes scanned over the healthy aster bush his brother had crushed.

"... And, you ruined my flowers."

Gabriel's scrubbing stopped in an instant to offer Raphael an apologetic look.

"Sorry, dude," Gabriel once again displayed his bright beam, continuing to speak through his smile with a muffled tone, "Did I get it all?"

Raphael transiently paused his assessment of his brother's accidental floral destruction to sweep his sight over Gabriel's smiling teeth—Nothing but pearly whites. A chaste nod followed, and Gabriel's simper dimmed to a close-mouthed one. Raphael continued to eye the watering can curiously, prompting Gabriel to brighten, as if he'd completely forgotten what he'd come for in the first place. The youngest archangel tilted his head sweetly as he merrily extended his hands, presenting the steel watering can in all its glory. Raphael concisely inspected it, his gaze jumping back to Gabriel's face with slight suspicion.

"Aren't you supposed to be with Michael today?" Raphael hesitantly took his watering can from Gabriel's hands. His younger brother pulled his arms back, the grin on his face morphing into the signature pout that Raphael's mind always regressed to when thinking of Gabriel.

"Exactly right! I'm supposed to." Gabriel shuffled in place, his rascal pout never budging. "Let's just say this is a detour, okie dokie?"

Raphael's prodding eyes slanted in both incredulity and curiosity. Gabriel passively considered his brother's expression before swiveling on his heel, facing the aster bush he'd indirectly demolished. Raphael studied him silently, off-put by the lack of mischief that always seemed to follow his youngest archangelic brother.

"I can help replant these!'' Gabriel's voice was jam-packed with genuine enthusiasm. Raphael's suspicion has reached its peak, and he dubiously stepped forward to stand next to his younger brother. Side-by-side, the pair of archangels skimmed over the crumpled mess of lavender petals and evergreen leaves.

"Firstly, you're terrible at gardening," Raphael calmly stated, and Gabriel cocked his head to peer at Raphael with what was probably slight offense prominent on his face. Raphael ignored him as he spoke. "And secondly, why are you really here?"

Raphael marginally pivoted to watch his brother's expression. Gabriel's features didn't take long to fall, and Raphael's entire being peaked in both interest and concern. The Messenger briskly looked away with a hint of timidity, his eyes of sky falling back to the flattened plant before them.

"You forgot your watering can," He said meekly, as if afraid to speak its silly truth. He added even softer, "You never do that."

Raphael's stare simply bore more intensely into his brother, utterly bewildered. Gabriel continued, an anxiety-prompted ramble.

"And you came home late yesterday. I'm worried, Raph," The youngest archangel admitted, releasing a massive sigh as he did so. Gabriel seemed relieved, like the thought had been plaguing his mind significantly. Raphael immediately softened, quick to soothe his brother. His lips moved on their own, and a blatant white lie tumbled out.

"There's no reason to worry, Gabriel," Raphael delusively assured, and he slightly jumped when the Messenger's head snapped back up; Raphael could now physically see the uneasiness present on his brother's face.

"Y'know, you could at least try to sell it a little better," Gabriel whined with a tenuous smile, and Raphael offered an apologetic look in response. A couple beats of silence enveloped the pair, with neither one of the angels bearing the right words to say. Gabriel's abstracted gaze gingerly drifted elsewhere.

Raphael attentively followed his brother's now-fixated stare. The older angel's being subtly slumped purely out of sheer impulse when his eyes lay on the faded coral color of milkweeds—They seemed terribly empty without a familiar pair of miniature black and blue butterfly wings atop them. A flit of acquainted worry spread like a consuming disease over his grace, a halfhearted wash of paltry waves over a burning embodiment of celestial light.

A physically inaudible hum of lamented harmony buzzed from the grace beside him, and a gentle touch brushed against his shoulder. The sudden sorrow within Raphael fleeted away as quickly as it had birthed when the warmth was perceived. With a meager twist of his head, Raphael’s pale eyes once again met the now-sympathetic azure irises of his brother. Gabriel wore a modest frown, his face contorted in enhanced concern.

"Does it have something to do with Basil?" Gabriel's expression grew more worried when the words left him, and hearing it aloud somehow made it more real to both of them. "Is she okay?"

Raphael's movements delayed, and his own uncertainty seemed to float rapidly to the surface at the sight of Gabriel's shared fear. Gabriel had met Basil, Raphael's befriended swallowtail butterfly, a couple years after Raphael had become close with her; Gabriel had happily insisted that he wanted to introduce himself to his big brother's childhood friend.

Raphael's face remained stone as he hesitantly nodded. Gabriel's concern transformed into what looked to be frightened grief.

"Is she…"

"I'm not sure. She hasn't returned from her journey to find a mate." Raphael stated weakly, briefly glancing back at the milkweeds that lowly drooped in melancholy without the swallowtail. The wind drifted through their petals, calling out to her.

At this, Gabriel looked to be a bit relieved. The youngest archangel's face broke into a soft smile after a couple of seconds, and Raphael's eyes ever-so-slightly slanted in inquisition. Gabriel's simper never faltered as he kneeled down in front of the destroyed aster bush.

Raphael watched curiously as his brother began to speak in an upbeat, sing-song tone that was so… Gabriel. He simply turned towards Raphael again with a blinding flash of happily smiling teeth.

"If you say I'm that bad at gardening… then help me replant these! Let's surprise Basil with them when she comes back from her trip!"

A stunned pause ensued on Raphael's end, but never on Gabriel's; His younger brother's essence remained in a harmonizing melody, a sweet positivity radiating from his grace like comfortable currents of summery morning light.

Always so bright. Always so cheerful.

Raphael returned Gabriel's smile.

°•. ✿ .•°

It's silent without Gabriel.

Still. Empty. Void. Overpowering, almost.

And within that silence, thousands of words still seem to be spoken. Shrieked. Wailed. Raphael blindly listens, unaware it's merely a cold reflection of Heaven—of himself.

A muted cry of fear, a tremble of loneliness echoed across space and time. Velvet petals of lull lilac petals mirror the agonized harmony in pity. The aster bush he and Gabriel planted together distantly watches Raphael mourn.

Asters indubitably remind Raphael of Heaven's Messenger—his younger brother, Gabriel. And within the stillness, they remind him of Gabriel's absence.

Lavender beauty blooms quick, and wilts quicker. Raphael replants them every year.

He's counting.

It's as if the flowers hold a piece of Gabriel that Raphael refuses to let go of ever since his baby brother left Heaven. A pout perhaps, or a cheery bliss. A crack of golden morning light within their stamens, a careless dance in the wind. It's all so… Gabriel.

Raphael smiles in their presence, he can't help it.

In Heaven's soil, he plants aster flowers each day in hopes for his brother Gabriel's return.

[haruhey]

I just read your essay and ma'am-

If you had written 10 more pages and went more in depth in the analysis, I would have read it 100% (which says a lot cause I HATE when analysis get long)

Ngl, Negan's character is always one I found interesting (and when I find a character interesting, I always end up "liking" them cause I genuinely enjoy learning about what made them the way they are/analyse them, so it does happen quite a lot with evil characters that know how to speak and have that leader vibe) but it always felt, idk, off ? And you put it into words !!!!! Jeffrey Dean Morgan is an amazing actor and he portrays Negan perfectly, and the fact that the actor has so much charm really fits this "off-vibe".

I feel like medias LOVE the trope of "extremely evil character who only makes morally wrong choices and actions but is oh so handsome and charming you can't hate him and also he wasn't ALWAYS like that so it's ok for you to like him ig :)", and it always made me, idk, not uncomfortable, but it felt odd, y'know ? And yeah idek where I'm going with this anymore and it's getting long so imma stop there but summary is that I really enjoyed reading your essay so thank you for sharing !! ❤❤❤

this is the essay anon is talking about!

ahhhhh anon i’m so glad you found my essay interesting !! and i feel you, man. 3 pages and i’m out. i’m sorry but my brain is too small to handle anything more 😩😩

but, anyways, yeah, i agree that negan is a really interesting character - i mean, you can’t NOT be when you literally kill off two fan favourites but STILL go on to amass so many fans for yourself - and that’s the main reason why i wanted to write this essay !! my teacher had an example that was basically talking about this comic book character and why the writer loved them so much, so i kinda wanted to write one about why i hated a character. surprise, surprise, i immediately thought of negan lmaoo.

my original idea was to go with a focus on how jdm’s aesthetic appearance and idiosyncrasies brought a lot of lenience towards his actions (aka pretty privilege, which definitely contributes to that off factor) and i was gonna talk about real life fans of like, ted bundy and richard ramirez, but i could only write 2 pages and i still had to check off all the criteria, so i had to change my idea real quick into my issues with the bad boy trope. it was easier since i only needed negan as my example.

i have my own qualms about redemption storylines (i grappled with that topic a bit, too, in the early stages of the assignment), but i have so many flip-floppy feelings about it that it wouldn’t make for a coherent essay. if i had chosen that, i definitely would not be getting my mark for a clear and concise arguable thesis lmaoooo.

but yeah, bad boys in general kinda suck as a trope, but i’m not like, telling y’all not to read it. my only problem is that some people can’t seem to recognize fiction from reality, and that could be hurtful to them because of the whole ‘i can change him’ mentality that society has kinda,,, idealized?? idk, those are just my thoughts, and again, i’m glad you enjoyed reading my essay !!

[suwya]

Till the Stars Had Run Away - Chapter 6

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Summary: Killian Jones was a voyager. Actually, he was many things, or at least he had been - a lieutenant, a brother, a loving boyfriend - until everything had turned upside down and his life had hit an all time low. So, he gave up. Aboard his spaceship he abandoned Arcadia, his planet, navigating the stars and other solar systems in search of... well, he still didn't know what he was searching for, but his rule was "never remain in the same place longer than necessary."

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Rating: M

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Prologue; Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5

AO3

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A/N: Sorry for the waiting, but real life came along and I had to stop writing for a couple of weeks. Thank you @thisonesatellite for being the best beta reader I could ever ask for. And thank to all of you who are reading this. Happy Labour Day!

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Chapter 6 . .

Be not inhospitable to strangers,

lest they be angels in disguise.

(W. B. Yeats)

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When Killian regained consciousness he found himself in what reminded him of a military hospital. There were thin white curtains around his bed, but through them he could spot other beds like his, most of them empty. The room seemed large and dimly lit.

He closed his eyes and remembered the crash landing, the unknown desert planet, the great rock that was about to crush Henry, and that feeling of unease and imminent danger he had felt just before the impact. Where was he? And above all what kind of situation was he in, a good or a bad one? He opened his eyes again, and noticed he wasn’t alone. A woman was checking his IV, and a nearby monitor was beeping intermittently.

Killian tried to sit up, but a stabbing pain in his lungs made him desist immediately. He groaned loudly.

“Look who’s awake.” Said the woman, who was now staring at him. “Hello, handsome.” She added cheerfully.

Killian had found himself dealing with uncharted waters several times in his life. He decided to play the waiting game. “This is usually my line, well, more or less.”

“Really? In this case, I'll warn my husband not to approach you.”

“Don’t worry I'm not into men, not recently at least.” He smirked.

“Oh, but my husband is quite the charming one.”

“I still prefer the company of a fair lady, if I could choose.” He winked and chuckled, and a dull pain made him gasp.

“Take it easy.” She immediately shifted her attitude from playful to worried. “How do you feel?”

“As if I've been hit by a rocket.”

“Not a rocket, but yes, you’ve been hit hard. You’ve suffered two broken ribs. And believe me, you were lucky, it could have been worse. Do you mind if I run some tests and see how you react?”

“No problem.”

While the woman was busy measuring his temperature, making him follow a small blue LED light with his gaze, and extracting some blood to examine later, he took advantage of the opportunity to observe her more closely. She had short black hair and green eyes, bright and lively in contrast to her very delicate skin. Killian found himself thinking of another pair of green eyes, which had been filling his thoughts frequently lately. The memory brought him back to reality quickly.

“What is this place?” He inquired, eager to know what had happened while he was unconscious.

“Welcome to Vernal-Den.” She answered smiling.

Killian tried to remember if he had ever read about this planet. “Never heard of it.”

“Yeah, we’re not very popular.”

Was she too concentrated on checking-in his vitals, or was she being too concise on purpose? He didn’t know, but he intended to keep an eye on her. “How long was I out?”

“A while.” Another elusive answer.

He decided to test the waters. “Were there ….other injured people with me?”

“If you’re referring to Henry and Emma, they are perfectly fine.” She seemed sincere. “They are staying at our place. Henry has visited you every day since you came in.”

“And Emma?”

“Well, she can’t come in. She’s not a relative of yours. But she has spent long hours sitting just outside that door.” She said pointing towards the exit. “I had to order her to go home and get some rest.”

After that she excused herself, saying that she had to attend to other patients.

He realized she hadn’t even told him her name. He didn’t know if he could trust her or not. The fact that she had avoided some of his questions sent chills down his spine. And most of all there was the Emma problem.

Why couldn’t she visit him? Was it true that it was only a matter of rules? Or was she in some kind of peril? He needed to know what was happening behind those doors that separated him from the woman that had been pestering his dreams in the last ten years of his life. He had to know that she was alright. To hell with rules! He thought. And by the way, when was the last time he followed one. He had to get out of this place. He tried to sit up, but the pain in his lungs was so strong that his vision started to blur and cold sweat formed on his temples. He lay back down on the bed, aware that in his conditions he couldn’t have gone far before collapsing unconscious on the floor. He promised himself to solve the problem as soon as he had enough strengths, but he couldn't dwell too much on that thought, because sleep was reclaiming his mind again.

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~·~·~·~

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Time passed very slowly, or so it seemed, but maybe it was simply the fact that every day looked the same. Killian was mostly asleep, probably due to the painkillers introduced through the IV, and when he woke up he couldn't tell how long he had been out, he couldn't even tell if it was day or night. There were no windows in that room.

During one of the moments when his mind regained consciousness, he felt the mattress drop slightly to one side and he slowly opened his eyes.

“You are awake! How do you feel? Can you breathe? Of course you can, you would be dead otherwise! Does it hurt?” Henry was sitting at the end of the bed, and he was asking a lot of questions, as usual. “Sorry.” He suddenly looked contrite. “I should let you rest, but…”

“It’s ok, lad.” Killian cut him off. “I’m glad to see you’re all in one piece.”

The boy greeted him with a wide grin.

Killian remembered the last moments before getting injured, and he was relieved to know that he had been able to prevent that rock from hitting Henry. But other worries crowded his mind. “How about your mom?”

“She’s fine. She’s outside. They won’t let her in. You know, only relatives and all that stuff.” He explained.

“I see. And why are you…?”

Henry didn’t let him finish the question. “I told them I’m your son.” He whispered with a conspiratory smile.

“Clever boy.” Killian’s chuckle turned soon into a cough due to the pain.

“Does it hurt?” The boy asked, frowning.

The man dismissed the question with a wave of his hand. “It’s not a big deal.” He didn’t want the lad to feel responsible for his well-being. “How many days have passed since we landed here?” He asked, changing the subject.

“I don't know exactly.” And at Killian’s questioning look, he added, “It’s complicated.”

“How so?”

“People live underground here,” The boy started to explain, “With no opportunity to look outside. And there are no clocks. My watch had probably broken when we arrived, it doesn’t work anymore.”

The man hummed, he was starting to understand. The lack of windows, the elusive answer he had received from the dark-haired nurse… everything was beginning to tally in Killian’s head. “I want you to think carefully about everything you saw outside this room. Did you feel something was wrong?”

The boy shrugged. “I don't know.” He seemed to ponder. “This place is strange. Lots of corridors and passages underground. We are not allowed to go out into the open. They say it’s dangerous. But I never felt a threat or something. I would rather say it’s boring.”

“Why boring?”

Henry was trying to find the right words to explain it. “All the days are the same, people repeat the same actions every day. They say it’s useful to maintain a routine. But I don’t think Mary Margaret and David are bad people.”

“I’m sorry, who?” Killian asked.

“Oh, yeah, Mary Margaret, she is your nurse. We’re staying at her home. She is very nice. And David is her husband. He showed me the greenhouse. It’s awesome and huge, you should see it! But I don’t think he works there. I don’t know what his job is.”

Routine? New people? A greenhouse? Well, that was a lot of information to process. But Killian felt sleep calling him back. Next time I see that lady Margaret, I’m going to ask her not to put more painkillers in my IV. He thought. “Thank you, Henry, for everything. But I may need to rest for a while now.” He managed to say before falling asleep again.

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~·~·~·~

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Emma knew Killian was feeling better, Henry had told her about their short chat, and some of her child's enthusiasm had even infected her positively, but she continued to feel restless, she wanted to make herself useful. Most of all, she wanted to see Killian again.

All this absurd situation was her fault. And no, she was not thinking about the fact that Killian was lying on a hospital bed because of some bad decisions she had made lately. No. She was not going down that path again. She had already spent a lot of hours regretting many choices done in the last month.

But this was nonsensical, why couldn’t she visit a friend that was hurt and maybe in need of some company? She had actually had a chance to say that she was his wife; after all in the eyes of her guests, she and Killian had a son together, so why not lie a bit more and make Mary Margaret believe that she and Killian were married. But the thought of a possible long time spent together on this planet feigning to be a happily married couple scared her, and she couldn’t go on with the lie.

So there she was, sitting on a very uncomfortable metal chair in the waiting room. She had spent more hours there than she could count.

David had passed by to greet his wife, and he had offered to take Henry with him, on the way back home. So she was left alone with her thoughts.

Mary Margaret peeked out the door with a steaming mug in her hand. “Take this. It will help.”

She agreed with a nod. “Thank you.” She sipped some of the hot liquid and it felt like her nerves were starting to relax a little.

“You should go home and rest. It's late.” The woman said.

“Mary Margaret let me enter.” Emma pleaded for the umpteenth time.

“We have already talked about it. You know I can’t do that. There are strict rules down here, and the best way for us to survive is to follow them.”

“This is insane. I’m not a dangerous criminal or someone who is plotting to destroy this planet. I just want to see him. Please.” She begged.

The dark-haired woman seemed to be pondering all the possible consequences. “All right.” She sighed. “Let’s just say that I’m going inside and leave the door ajar, by mistake, of course. I have to check some very important documents, so I’ll be busy and concentrated. I’m not going to ask you what you’re going to do in the next... fifteen minutes or so. Okay?”

“Thank you.” Emma handed her the cup back, rising from her chair. “You won’t regret it.”

After Mary Margaret disappeared behind the door, Emma waited some minutes before going after her. The room was large and there were many beds, she had no idea where Killian was, but after a quick look at the surroundings, she discovered that only a couple of all the beds were occupied.

She approached one of those and gently opened the curtain trying not to disturb the patient lying inside.

Killian seemed asleep. He was pale, with dark circles under his eyes. She could only imagine the pain he was going through. She had her heart in her throat because she felt responsible for the situation. If they hadn't taken a detour because she had requested it, they'd probably all be home safe and sound by now.

“Hey, beautiful.” He greeted her with a painful grin.

Immersed as she was in her thoughts, she hadn't noticed that he had woken up. She smiled, trying to be strong and not show her inner turmoil. “Do they treat you well here?”

“I'm not complaining. The nurse is kind and the food is edible.” He tried to downplay the situation. “Although I would prefer the care and attention of a certain blonde.” He winked.

Emma chuckled. Then she went closer to him and sat down on the side of his bed, trying not to cause him any more pain. She looked him straight in the eye, and then, gently, she took his hand in hers, intertwining her fingers with his. She saw him swallow hard, and the beeping of his heartbeat accelerated on the monitor. She smiled softly again. “Thank you for saving my son’s life.”

She saw how he wet his lips before answering as if his mouth had been suddenly dry. “It was the right thing to do.” Was his answer, but his voice came out slightly choked.

Emma looked back, checking if any hospital employee was nearby, “I shouldn’t be here, and unfortunately my time is running out. But I wanted to see you... needed to see with my own eyes that you are ok... well, more or less.” She whispered, with her gaze lowered, avoiding eye contact. The physical connection of their joined hands was already arousing too many contradictory emotions inside her.

“Aye. I know the feeling.” He replied, letting her know that he had been eager to establish contact with her throughout his stay in the hospital.

At those words, she stared at him again. “Get well soon.” She bent down and dropped a mild kiss at the corner of his lips. “We need you.”

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~·~·~·~

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Killian was lying on his back staring at the ceiling. This time there was no way he would fall asleep again. Every time he thought about what had just happened his beeping monitor sped up. He blushed. It had been just a chaste kiss, nothing compared to the hot and breathtaking one they had shared a few days before. But she had said it had been a one-time thing and he had promised himself not to indulge in those lustful thoughts anymore. Yet, this last kiss had seemed much more real, and meaningful... it had left him with a feeling of hope.

Hope and distress. Emma was such a strong and beautiful woman, a marvelous creature, as he liked to describe her in his mind, and a princess even. And what was he? A rebel, and a scoundrel. Or a rapscallion... whatever. Okay, maybe not anymore, but he had been in the past, for many years. He had been trying to redeem himself lately. But was he worth enough of her? That was the million dollar question.

He was still ruminating on it when the known brunette peeked out the curtains. “Hello. How are you today?” She greeted him with a bright smile, as usual.

“Better.” He hoped the monitor on his right wasn’t showing his state of mind.

She came closer. “Do you mind if I check your ribs? It's time to change the dressing.” After a short pause, she added, “I'm sorry, but we don't have the best equipment to assist our patients. We have to work with what we have available on this planet.” She said pointing to the bands that covered his chest.

Killian nodded, and Mary Margaret started to untie the bandages. She seemed concentrated on her task, probably she was trying to avoid causing him any pain. It was only when she started to apply an ointment on the bruises, that she spoke again. “You love her.” It was just a whisper, and Killian doubted if he had heard correctly. But then she added “Emma.”

It wasn’t a question, and he pondered what was the correct answer, or if she was expecting one. “I'd go to the end of the world for her… Or the multiverse.” He said eventually.

“And she for you, I take it?”

Killian chuckled and shook his head. “I don’t know.”

“What’s the problem?” She looked at him surprised. Then took some clean gauzes and started to wrap them on him.

“She's bloody brilliant, an amazing woman. She fights for her son and always does what’s right.” Killian’s voice was so full of admiration.

“Is there something wrong with it?” Mary Margaret inquired.

Killian shook his head again. “She raised the bar very high. The fact is, I don't think I measure up.”

The woman folded the old bandages and took the ointment bottle, then she stood up, she was making an exit when she stopped short. “Since you came here I've been watching you.”

“I don't know if I should be flattered or scared.” The man tried to ease the tension of the moment.

“We don’t have many foreigners on this planet, but believe me, you're not one of the bad guys. You sacrificed yourself for the sake of a young boy. There's good in your heart.” She smiled at him softly. “I’m going to look for the doctor; I bet you’ll be leaving this room soon.”

.

.

~·~·~·~

.

.

The following day started the same as the previous ones. But during the first hours of the evening a man in a white coat came to visit Killian. He explained the medications and precautions to be taken to him, some movements that he should avoid for a while, and other tips for a speedy recovery. Then he handed over some papers for the patient to sign to be discharged. Finally some good news.

After a while redressing and packing up his few belongings in his satchel Killian went to the door. Walking hurt a bit but nothing he couldn’t bear.

Mary Margaret was already waiting for him, and a tall blonde guy was with her. “You must be Jones.” He said. When they shook hands, Killian learned his name was David Nolan, and he remembered Henry had mentioned him in his conversations. “I’m going to take you to our humble abode.”

Nolan's house was in fact modest. A loft with a large dining room, a kitchenette, a bedroom, and a small bathroom on one corner, all open, without doors, except for the bathroom. There was a raised bedroom opposite it, whose access was a metal stair.

Dinner was good, if a little awkward. Emma didn't interact much, and Killian wanted to ask if something was troubling her, but he preferred to wait for a better time, perhaps a less crowded one. Henry entertained them with what he had done throughout the day and kept repeating how glad he was that Killian was back with them.

But the man was still a bit cautious with those new people around him. He didn’t know them, especially the Nolan guy, who had been silent for most of the dinner, glancing sidelong at him as if he wanted to study him thoroughly before making a personal judgment. The feeling was mutual, Killian thought.

Just after dessert, David started to speak. “What will you need to restore your ship?” He asked.

“Uh… a new stabilizer, I think, and some parts of the propulsion engine for sure. But I’ll have to look closely at the damages to be sure there’s nothing else broken.”

The blond man nodded. “Not many ships come and go from here. But I hope we can find all the pieces you need.”

“Thank you, mate.”

“Tomorrow I’ll take you to the hangar where your ship is. We’ll have a look at it.” He seemed sincere in his generosity.

“May I help?” Henry barged in.

A chorus of “No!” echoed the room.

“I appreciate the support, but it could be dangerous.” Killian explained.

“I hate being here. I feel trapped.” The boy complained.

Mary Margaret sighed. “This is a feeling that will vanish with time.”

The woman was no doubt trying to instill some optimism, but Killian didn't like the idea of staying in that place longer than necessary. “Well, then, let’s hope we could leave this planet before the feeling has entirely vanished.” He made a grin and passed his hand on his side.

“Time for resting.” The brunette stated although it sounded more like an order. “But before that, we should change those bandages. Emma, would you like to help me?”

“Me?” Emma, who had been silent and a bit on the sidelines all evening, seemed to re-emerge from wherever she’d gone.

“He won’t be able to do it by himself when you won’t live here anymore. It’s better if you learn how to help him.” Mary Margaret clarified.

Emma looked like she was going to object, but in the end, she asserted. “Sure.”

.

.

~·~·~·~

.

.

If a certain nervousness had taken hold of Emma as she climbed to the upstairs room, it disappeared the instant Mary Margaret helped Killian get rid of his shirt. That wasn’t a thorax, it was a nautical chart. Most of it was covered by gauze, but she could still spot many marks and scars.

There was a tattoo, two of them to be exact, but Emma saw just one at first. It was on his right forearm; it was a big red heart with a dagger running through and the name “Milah” across it. Emma made a mental note to ask him later who she was.

Mary Margaret showed her how to unfasten the bandages, and then she ordered her to stand behind him, to help better in removing them all.

On his back, Emma saw the second tattoo, on his right shoulder. It was an old nautical instrument she had read about in a book when she was younger, but she couldn’t remember the exact name. The drawing was beautifully detailed, even if it had faded, it was probably older than the other one, she thought.

And when all the gauze was out of the way, she saw them: tiny, blurred, old scars that studded most of his back. Emma wondered what kind of life he had to endure when he was very young.

Mary Margaret asked her to help with the ointment. She had already opened the bottle and was showing the blonde woman how much cream to use. But Emma wasn't listening, standing now in front of the man, her attention was caught by the glorious chest hair that was covering most of his torso.

Okay, there was also a big, horrible bruise on his right ribs, but Mary Margaret was saying that it seemed on the way to a fast recovery, if the yellow and purple veining was some indication.

Emma was ogling and she wasn’t ashamed of it either. The amount of hair decreased in the lower part of his chest, leaving a black trail that disappeared under the hem of his pants.

"See something you like?" Emma was abruptly taken back to reality by a smug Killian that was smirking at her while arching an eyebrow. She blushed. She was caught red-handed, but she couldn’t let him win. She took advantage of the fact that Mary Margaret was looking for something in a nearby drawer, to get closer to him. She looked at him lasciviously from under her lashes. “Maybe?” She purred.

Now it was his time to blush, he looked intently at his feet, but she found the bright red that appeared on his ears extremely endearing. Point for Emma.

Mary Margaret taught the other woman how to fix the bandages, and Emma had to use some tiny hooks to hold them together. She did not miss the opportunity to casually slide her fingers over a part of his chest hair that came out of the bandages.

“Bloody Hell!” Killian muttered.

Emma retreated her hand immediately. “Sorry. Did I hurt you?” Worries that she had done something wrong clouded her gaze.

“Apologies.” Killian was scratching behind his ear, in evident embarrassment. “While I do enjoy two lovely ladies attending to my needs, I'm not used to someone taking care of me…” He smiled and brought his mouth close to Emma’s ear: “I’m usually the one who devotes full attention to a woman’s needs.” He whispered, but clearly not as quietly as he would have liked, because Mary Margaret's answer - “Well, you will have to put that off for a while” - made him blush again like a schoolboy scolded by his teacher.

.

.

~·~·~·~

.

.

Suddenly it was bedtime. Everyone was busy making preparations and taking shifts for the bathroom to change for the night. Killian was upstairs, staring at the bed he knew he had to share with Emma, who was arranging a pillow on the nearby sofa. He passed a hand through his hair and then scratched a spot behind his right ear. “I'll crash on that couch.” He stated as if it was the most logical conclusion to a battle he was fighting inside.

“Don't be ridiculous,” she scoffed. “It's barely long enough for Henry. Plus, you’re still recovering, you absolutely need to rest.”

He didn't seem very convinced. “Emma, I'm not sure this is a good idea.”

“And why is that?” Was her exasperated reply, turning towards him with her hands on her hips. “What are you going to do? Seduce me with a couple of broken ribs and a ten-year-old boy sleeping next to us?”

He lifted his arms and surrendered. “Fair point.” He conceded.

In no time they were all ready for the night and Henry was snoring softly on the sofa. Killian was supine, staring at the ceiling and thinking about the events of the day. In any case, sleep had no intention of coming, but he tried not to move. He didn’t want to wake up his roommates. Emma was lying close with her back to him and he didn’t know if she was already in the arms of Morpheus.

He turned his head to observe how her upper body moved with the rhythm of her breathing, blond curls covering her shoulders. Killian had to repress the urge to touch them. And as if responding to his call, she stirred and turned to face him.

Her eyes opened lazily. “Still awake?” She murmured.

“I have the feeling that I’ve slept enough for the rest of my life.” He whispered. “But you can’t rest either, I see.”

She didn’t answer.

Perhaps it was the closeness, perhaps it was the fact that they had spent the last few days apart. Killian didn't know how he found the courage, but he lifted his left arm as an invitation. “Come here,” he said.

She seemed to ponder the situation, chewing her bottom lip. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

He decided not to think about all the possible implications of that sentence. He was falling in love with her, he was aware of it. Probably the simple doubt that she might not reciprocate was already hurting him, but he knew that at that moment she was referring only to his physical bruises. “You won’t.”

She slipped under the sheets towards him, resting her head gently on his left shoulder and placing a hand on his chest, avoiding the bruised part. Not many minutes passed before her lids grew heavy and she dozed off to the rhythm of his heartbeats. Killian placed a soft kiss on her forehead.

[bloodstained-ballgowns]

Hello, sorry to bother you but I was just curious about the Scarlett Johansson vs. Disney lawsuit and I saw a lot about it from your tumblr and thought you might know it pretty well. 😅

I read somewhere that she was requesting a 80 million additional pay (which with the addition of her 20 million base salary would be 100 million total) when the simultaneous release was announced, which was based on a hypothetical box office figure similar to Captain Marvel. With the pandemic and all going on, I read a lot of comments saying she was asking for way too much. Added with the supposed Russo brothers' contract worries, I also read comments upset with her for causing this issue.

So I just wanted to ask your opinion on a few things.

1. Do you think there might be a shift in support after more details are released, will people side with Disney more because of the amount asked for during this pandemic?

2. And with more details being released, do you think the lawsuit playing out in public may end up hurting her side more than Disney's?

I just loved reading your previous answers regarding this topic cause it was all so well written and explained, I hope you won't mind me asking this, thank you in advance!

I'm all for her getting her contracts worth but the media releasing articles of how there is no going back for Scarlett and Disney makes me a bit sad we won't be seeing her version of Natasha anymore. Hopefully the whole character doesn't get shelved though.

Hi anon! You're no bother! Thank you for your questions!

I don't know about the $80 million ask based on a hypothetical box office based around Captain Marvel, as I didn't think specific amounts were negotiated before box office actually came to fruition. For example, she earned $15 million up front for Avengers: Endgame, which swelled to $35 million when it earned as much as it did, because back-end deals are based on percentages of revenue (I'm pretty sure). I can imagine the $80 million as a prediction, though. I only know that $50-60 million are the numbers circulating from how much she could win from this lawsuit.

I've seen the same comments "upset with her for causing this issue", and their ignorance is really fascinating to me because she didn't create the issue? Disney created the issue? She's speaking on the issue that's been growing since streaming services were born, she's increasing awareness around this issue, she's putting it in the spotlight. People somehow seem think that holding corporations accountable will mean that they stop producing the media so many enjoy (I legit saw a post that said, almost word for word, "scarlett shouldn't have sued because if disney pays her all that money then they won't have any left for loki season 2" and the stupidity of that statement is breathtaking).

1. Do you think there might be a shift in support after more details are released, will people side with Disney more because of the amount asked for during this pandemic?

No, at this point in the case, I don't think more details will shift allegiances. If people are not already siding with Scarlett, knowing her claims, having read Disney's defence, and realising the larger implications of the case, I don't believe any more information will change that. If she wins, there may be a shift, because people love to say they were right, but otherwise, no.

From what I've seen, and this may just be my corner of the internet, or because discourse has died down a bit, but I would set the support margins at about 60/40 in Scarlett's favour so far. The 40% seems to mainly be made up of people who either are uneducated on the topic, think that being 'problematic' means she deserves mistreatment, or are misogynists. They are accounts with 13 followers arguing in comments sections. Inversely, the 60% is made up of people who matter. She has the support of the industry behind her, the endorsement of her coworkers, and new projects lined up to prove it (e.g. the star-studded Wes Anderson picture and Ghosted with Chris Evans). The Star Wars writers including Alan Dean Foster who went up against Disney last year with similar allegations have also thrown their support behind her.

So I hope you can see where I'm coming from when I say that there may not be a shift, but it doesn't really matter because Disney is not the only hand that feeds her. In fact, the others are eager, it seems.

2. And with more details being released, do you think the lawsuit playing out in public may end up hurting her side more than Disney's?

It's hard to say, anon, but there's a reason Disney's filing for the case to go to arbitration instead of court. They want it settled quietly, because it's making them look bad and from what details we do know, Scarlett's case is legitimate. These lawsuits are compromising their whole "happiest place in the world" family-friendly image. The curtain has been dropped and now that much of their insidiousness is out in the open, it will change how people see them. Many won't let them hide behind Mickey Mouse when they issue statements calling their actors "callous".

However, none of the consequences will lead to the destruction of the Disney corporation or something. It's not going to go up in flames. They'll be fine.

Scarlett is walking a much finer line. As a person instead of a company, and as a woman, she is in a much more vulnerable position (not at all as vulnerable as a woman of colour though). There was a very real possibility that she would be rocking the boat so much that she would fall out and no one would help her back in (also, she's rich, but losing $50 million, probably more, would put a huge dent in her bank account). There's also a reason why she, her team, and her lawyers wanted it public, anon. A) If this was done all very hush hush, it would be a lot harder to hold Disney accountable next time something like this happens. She knows exactly how much this could change things, a cover up would limit the fallout. B) Online backlash matters very little to her. Her lawyers/PR team probably estimated exactly how much support (or lack of thereof) this move would garner, but it's not like tweets saying "scarjo is greedy and selfish" are going to have any bearing in court, so I expect that she remains unbothered. In short, she has more to lose, but her 'side' probably won't be hurt more than Disney's by this.

I'm glad you found those posts informative! I try :)

I know, it's sad that the door on MCU!Natasha is truly shut and bolted. I have the same fears of her being shelved. I just hope they continue with old characters in new animation, like What If...?, and that at some point in the future, the MCU either gets a reboot, or a Black Widow story is curated for the silver screen outside of the Disney-Marvel umbrella.

Sorry this was so long, I struggle with concision. Again, thanks for dropping into my ask box, anon! Hope this was in any way helpful.

[retphienix]

It's been 6 years :)

On March 30th, 2015 I decided I wanted a gaming side blog. (so we're early, but shush, it's the month for me)

I didn't know what I'd use it for exactly, but I had ideas- something I always have even if most of them only get as far as daydreamin' or writing out before closing them :P

For proof on the lack of direction the blog initially had- the March 30th date is the anniversary of my first post, an in-depth and lengthy review of Dragon Warrior Monsters for the GBC.

If you know the blog then you know "Extremely long and in-depth reviews" aren't the norm around here. As a matter of fact, that first post is the ONLY one I've done!

The closest I've come to ever repeating that would be the (word of the day) Directionless video I put out on Hades to get a grip on the concept of making videos, but that wasn't nearly as much of a 'review' as that first post is.

Tangent, definitely planning on trying my hand at videos some more for the foreseeable future. Probably not gonna use the tagline Full Impressions that I tossed as a whim for the Hades video but yeah- I'm excited to try my hand at a few videos :) tangent over.

It didn't take me long to come up with what I'd like to do for the blog though :)

A few months later I liveblogged a challenge run of FFT where I used only Ramza- a solo run. - Which maybe only happened because I tried a nuzlocke run a year prior on my main account-

(Nuzlocke | FFT challenge run)

Thanks to that haphazard liveblog experiment I started to realize a couple things which became the primary motivators behind this blog.

1) I LOVE sharing experiences. No brainer, I'm sure, but being able to share my experiences, and compare them with others' experiences, and just that mutual sharing is uplifting and feels good to do.

2) Liveblogging is an EXCEPTIONAL motivator to buckle down and play all those games I said I'd play (cue everyone laughing because I'm still way behind and have an immeasurable backlog).

But I mean that, on both respects. I have plenty of motivators toward the blog today, but if I were to be concise it's pretty much "It's easier to beat games if I liveblog them- otherwise I get distracted and play other games" and "I love sharing experiences and thoughts with people about my favorite thing- games."

Since 2015 I've tackled around 70 games as full playthroughs, and an untold ton as one offs or just to ramble about for a bit.

I've had a lot of highlights over the years, and I don't talk much about it as an overall experience so I thought for the anniversary I'd try to do just that. Not everything- I can't say I have photographic memory that would bring all of it up without prompting after all :P But whatever comes to mind as I browse some of my old stuff- as well as some thoughts on what I'd like to see in the future.

It's gonna be a bit self-centric I assume as I type this preamble to it, so let me say outright that this blog wouldn't be half of what it is without all the people who've given it the time of day over the years.

From recommending games they love or appreciate, to comparing thoughts, to offering kind words for analysis I've done over the years, to pointing out when I'm dumb and misread a situation :P- to, yes, even the people who decided "Fuck this guy's ramble" and deleted my captions before reblogging my gifs way back during Hamtaro (Of COURSE I remember that! It's amusing lol).

This is better because of others, because of the interactions and the people I've gotten the chance to chat with or befriend. It's just a liveblog more or less, my own little bit of fun I toss out for myself if for anyone- so seeing others enjoy this or that from the work I put into sharing my experiences or thoughts is always a joy in itself :)

Anyway, onto selfishly rambling about some tidbits of the past :)

Also sorry but no, opted to not shove a ton of photos in, it does have a handful of links to old posts though :P

This'll be disorganized as heck as I'll add to it over time before I feel it's worth posting (or the tumblr post editor becomes a hassle and more or less forces me to).

First~

FFT Solo Ramza Challenge: Considering it was roughly the first thing this blog has done, it's also something that's stuck in my head a lot more clearly than most of the other stuff I've done to be honest lol.

In truth, this is partially because FFT is my favorite game, bar none. But it's also because the whole experience was pretty new to me. Prior to it I had really only done one self-imposed-challenge that wasn't requested by the game in some manner and that was a nuzlocke run of Blue version.

So adding a challenge to my favorite game was a fantastic experience!

Notes I just wanted to say today about that run: If anyone enjoys FFT I honestly recommend giving it a shot for the unique story it lends itself to. I do recommend skipping the rules until after the second battle but that's up to YOU to decide.

My first post on the subject is me complaining about spending 4 hours grinding out the second fight and, despite hyperbole being my natural state, that was NOT hyperbole.

It DID take 60~ restarts to beat. It DID take 4 hours. The reason is that that 2nd battle is RNG as HECK, you HAVE to have Delita do some meaningful actions, you HAVE to have the enemies miss and make poor plays, you damn near HAVE to crit a few instances to save yourself from taking too much damage.

It's a numbers game to the extreme, so I wouldn't fault anyone for 'cheating' and skipping the 2nd fight for the ruleset lol.

The memory that stands out the most for that run is actually isolated in a post in which Ramza (Purrick in this run) talks like a total badass as just ONE DUDE running into a room full of enemies. I just think on that as a great encapsulated view of what it was like. The run started off face grindingly difficult, but because FFT is a game that offers so much freedom to the player it was extremely easy to 'break' the game into making Purrick overpowered as hell.

That's something I love about some tactical RPGs, I love having the ability to play smart so that I can play stupid later on, and breaking the game into making him one shot god is certainly a good payoff for playing smart early on :P

RetQuick: I miss RetQuick, it was primarily a short experiment I did in 2015 where I'd play a game for a short span of time (REALLY short, like 10-20 minutes) and record that for the purpose of making gifs and saying a short piece on what I thought.

It's one of those formats where the purpose was pretty shallow- but had a reason. I wanted to try making some gifs with some tools that existed online, so I made an excuse to do just that.

I also wanted to play a TON of games, usually through emulation on my sister's PSP, and this let me do that.

These two minor goals came together and so I spent a while making RetQuicks which were honestly more fun to make than they had any right to be. I mean the gifs were tedious but the playing? The thought sharing? The end product ocassionally having more appeal than just a photoset? It was fun.

I'm thinking whenever I have trouble picking a game for the blog I'll revisit the format... sorta.

I already reused it for a short stint to show clips I had no plan on expanding into a playthrough, but that died as well as it was too similar to Tidbits posts (another tag I no longer really use).

My thought is to rebrand retquick as something of a tryout for what game comes next. Play a handful of my backlog games for an hour or so each and say some thoughts before saying which one I'll continue as the main game for that period of time.

Old Tag Stuff: One of those things that only sticks to me since I made the decisions but it's always funny for me to look back on my old posts because I was apprehensive as hell toward making my posts visible. The reason my early playthroughs on the My-Tags page are variants of Ret instead of just "The name of the game so people can find this post" is because I felt like a liveblog would just spam the tag to hell-

Something I don't remotely feel bad for doing anymore.

So I avoided getting any sort of spotlight for quite a while on the blog for little reason.

Why Retphienix?: This is just a dumb thought I wanted to share and I'm sure I've said before.

It stands for retro!

Yeah!

Ain't that dumb and also not a real shorthand? lol

I think I have some sort of deer in headlights anxiety towards naming things, I mean do you think I think Full Impressions is a good summation for a video? I don't. But perhaps that's overshadowed by the other inexperiences and anxiety driven decisions that had- doesn't matter.

Retphienix is Retphienix because I sat there in 2015 and thought "Well... what do I name an alt account?"

My main is Redphienix, which yes, is ALSO a terrible name AND is misspelled. But it's that because of sentimental reasons. As a kid I misspelled Redphoenix when making my gamertag (I knew how to spell Phoenix back then as well, I was too excited about xbox live and misspelled it) and it's become something of a sentimental misspelling.

So I wanted to make a mix on that for my game blog, but I had no idea what. In the end I thought "RetroPhienix? I don't know. Retphienix is closer to Redphienix. I'll do that" and so it was done.

And just like how Redphienix is both bad and misspelled but exists because of sentimental reasons- Retphienix has acquired the same 'flavor' in my eye lol.

Aspirations for the blog: I have no immediate ramp up plans or road map or whatever, and in truth I'll be happy if the blog stays just as it is forever- up until tumblr ends- I cry over lost posts- and I reopen it on another platform.

But I do have blurry half-considered daydreams that I'd like to see happen for the blog through some hard work or shifts on my part.

One is something I'm already doing kinda, hence my embarrassing means of bringing it up a lot lately. Videos- I want those. I wanna make some looks back on series people don't talk about that I enjoy, I want to make videos sharing my thoughts on games I beat for the blog (like what full impressions kinda was, but I don't think they'll have a unified name from here on out). Maybe retrospectives, but mostly when I think of making a video tied to retphienix or me in general it's me looking at a game that said something to me, and saying it louder with my own interpretations on it.

You know the kind, videos where they talk about a video game but not the whole thing- just a singular message they really heard loud and clear from it intentionally or not. I dig those and I know I end a lot of games having plenty to say that could be directed into such a format.

We'll see.

And I'm along for the ride on that one as well- currently I'm keeping my eyes on whatever is directly next, which happens to be "I plan on playing Omori, if it clicks as something to talk about I would like to take a shot at that in a video too!"

The other is that I'd like to build a small community. Wouldn't know the first thing on doing that in a modern sense, but just a little online friend group to chat with and play games together. Something that could open up multiplayer and coop experiences being better shared on the blog and would just in general expand my gaming to what it used to be back on the 360 when I had a large group to play with.

Since the 360 era ended I've pretty much closed off- stopped playing competitive games due to lack of interest- and slowed down to playing all games either solo, with randoms (and no mic usually), or with my cousin. It's a rare instance when I play with some good people like @gamesception or another friend of mine, John.

When I diverted from playing competitive games nonstop toward other genres I didn't intend to also cut out all my online gaming buds, it just kinda happened, and I never really put any effort into rectifying that.

So more or less I'd like to one day sit down and work on a discord server, and then buck up and put the leg work in to make some gamin' buds again, but that's such a vague concept anymore.

Sounds all sad and what not but it's more ambivalent, I made decisions that

changed how gaming worked for me after the 360 and this is just where it landed for better and worse- I'd just like to see if I can make it a little better :P

General things I think when I think retphienix: Honestly? I think of how much fun I've had over the years and how thankful I am to have had an outlet that encouraged me to explore more of the medium.

I REALLY love games. I went to college for games, I've written LEAGUES about games, I've played countless games, my childhood was games, my adult life is games- games games games yada yada yada.

So when I think of retphienix I think of how without it I probably wouldn't have explored a lot of the corners of gaming that I have.

I genuinely, and I mean this, might not have sat down and beaten FF7 for myself and would have considered the amount I played as a kid to be enough.

I might not have played Chrono Trigger yet, and I KNOW I wouldn't have played Chrono Cross, and I'm happy as hell to have played both of those. CT was a mind blowing moment for me that showed me just how good an RPG can be, and CC gave me miles to think of in terms of innovating an RPG and how beholden to the narrative a sequel should be (I don't feel CC should have been chrono at all lol).

I DEFINITELY wouldn't have given New Vegas another chance. And I know I'm a sourpuss on NV, I've been that way since I maxed my achievements on the 360 for it, but replaying it really did reveal to me how exceedingly negative I was being.

My memories had become "It's brown and a boring location >:(" and "The factions all suck and it doesn't do anything with the idea of bad factions >:(" and became "It's... a little brown guys, not a big fan of the area" and "They didn't do enough with exploring the gray factions" while adding "Wait. This is pretty damn fun. And 90% of the additions are stellar. And I forgot about Dead Money, my favorite dlc in any game ever with a story that tears at my heart every time I think of it, NV good actually?"

Faxanadu would have remained a cool game I saw on SSFF and not a game I played to the end and fell in love with the aesthetic feel it has!

Also that's a game I cheated like crazy on lol, I would do it again! Save state scumming games meant to be rudely difficult is only fair :P

I probably would have never sat down to play through Windwaker which was such a positive and uplifting experience that I now get the most relaxed and warm feeling in my heart when I see those blue waves.

There's so many experiences I would have left on the table in favor of like... putting more hours into a live service title or something.

Maybe, and no offense to my cousin or anyone else playing it, but maybe I'd be no-lifing World of Warcraft nonstop just stagnating my interest toward the skinner box mechanics of an MMO?

Some offense, actually but lightheartedly lol.

But beyond the entire games I've played for the blog, when I think retphienix I picture all the time making gifs, all those games I played on the PSP for short stints, buying a retron 5 to add to what I could explore and being stoked when they shipped a freebie box of old controllers to go with it, getting angry at the retron for being a Piece Of Shit lol, crying at the end of damn near every game with an emotional story because I'm a big emotional mess of a person who finds investing and crying at a story way too easy thanks to empathy pulls, oh!-

Getting excited whenever I found that I had a "*controversial*" opinion that no one would care about lol. Like the one that comes to mind is that I thoroughly believe that Dragon Ball Z II: Gekishin Freeza!! for the NES is WAY better than the fandom recognized and appreciated sequel/remake Dragon Ball Z: Legend of the Super Saiyan!

How many people do you hear talking about either game, let alone saying the NES game that is roughly half of the SNES remake is the better one :P But I stand by that! The SNES one is a remake of DBZ1 and 2 for the NES but it loses all the charm and some of the fun of the NES ones by being a lackluster SNES game!

lol

I admitted wholeheartedly that this post would be a lit-

little directionless (gotta love the new tumblr poster making me break sentences like that), but to sum things up.

It's been 6 years. It's been an untold amount of work to be honest- liveblogging a game, at least for me, hasn't been the easiest thing. It's a lot of thinking out my thoughts (heh), it's a lot of learning tools to make the capturing process possible, it's a lot of experimenting, it's a lot of writing and editing, and, well, sometimes it's just tough.

I mean I went to school for coding, not video editing, not writing, not image processing, not this or that- but this hobby has introduced a lot of things even if only at a VERY base level (I admit fully to using online alternatives to make gifs for instance).

I learned a lot about, well, a lot of things in order to use this blog to learn more about games- and all that work has become part of why I've loved all 6 years of this blog.

6 years of gaming, work, and you all- and it's been worth the investment :) Here's to many more and all of you whether you stumble upon this post or not- literally anyone who's interacted in these 6 years, thank you, and anyone who hasn't I offer you well wishes as well.

<3

[clumsyclifford]

(2/6) onto my playlist review: first of all thank you 😊 and no i'm very attached to being called fiancee 🙈 i'm in the mood to discuss music with you in detail again so have fun ��� (this got long my apologies) maybe - these lyrics hurt my feelings. i feel called out but the song is very beautiful and lewis capaldi's voice is so so niice. i found a girl - i vibe with it a lot though i'm a bit wary about the friendzone-y vibe of the lyrics but it's catchy as fuck.

(3/6) catastrophize - so amazing. but like has noah kahan written a bad song? i don't think so. apropos noah kahan i think i might be in love with him bc i watched the music video for mess and like. yes. that's what a music video should be 🙈 happy - I JUST WANT TO BE FUCKING HAPPY. i feel that song so much julia michaels truly has a way with words.

(4/6) everyday life - again love the lyrics sooo much. look what god gave her - what a bop. this song makes me like ridiculously happy? also i don't get the hate country music gets like i personally don't listen to it but that's only bc i'm not really exposed to it. lonely girl - also a bop. gotta love a kind of aggressive break up vibe. edge of tonight - i cannot put my love for this song into words. might just be my favourite of future hearts (okay no not favourite but top 3 bc i can't choose)

(5/6) and bc i love your recs i listened to the songs from the tags as well: lucy - a vibe. did not expect to like it when it started but turns out i like it a lot actually. living on love - only one i don't really vibe with it's a bit too much for me, sorry ajr (great lyrical content as usual though) i believe you - i can't really deal with this song. i love that it exists but i couldn't listen to it all the way through once i paid attention to the lyrics.

(6/6) are there other songs you can recommend by fletcher though? bc it really did sound lovely. life changes - ADORABLE. love the kind of story vibe? also life goals. i could use a love song - same. biiiig same. come hang out - really dig that one. oh especially like the little clicks at the end -fiancee

RIGHT i am gonna put my answers under the cut because i have Things to Say but this is long

u know what that’s fair enough about i found a girl i just think the song does a decent job of taking responsibility and him being like “it’s on me, i’m the one who assumed something that wasn’t there” like in the bridge he’s like “i can’t believe that i just think like a man” like yeah buddy you did but at least you own it!!! so that’s why it doesn’t really bother me about the song but i totally get what u mean

KHJSDFKLGMKDFGJ correct noah kahan has never written or made a bad song in his life <3 GKJFKGMFLKJ FAIR ENOUGH that’s the one w the dogs right...........points made. points indeed. have you seen the false confidence video? i like that one

bro happy just FUCKING hits different. like?? julia michaels really does have a way w words like somehow she always manages to concisely phrase very specific thoughts and feelings. and like saying “i just wanna be fucking happy” ??? i just feel like nobody else in the world would have written it that way. and it’s like. it’s so real. “sometimes i think i kill relationships for art” LIKE HELLO HOLY SHIT ??!?!?!?!!?!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!

mate ive had my ups and downs w country music but have ultimately decided it has some GOOD stuff in there. starting point i recommend thomas rhett (new album is called center point road it is lovely but the one that life changes is from is also good can’t remember the name atm) also side note i shuffled my music today and look what god gave her was the first song that played <3 love that for us <3 it’s just so good like thomas rhett is chugging that loves-his-wife juice all day every day

re: lonely girl that whole album is !!! really good !!! i know i just rec’d a fuckton of shit to you so i shouldn’t keep giving you stuff but i have to just say that from that album (which is called the other side), my favorites are say please, you don’t owe me anything, hell and back, and come home. oh and the other side (the song). okay it’s a really good album what can i say. plus bonus for female-fronted pop punk band

that is honestly fair enough the energy of edge of tonight is really. it’s. yeah. i get it. like i get it. 

babe omg u are amazing <3 yeah simple creatures is alex gaskarth’s side project (with mark hoppus!) when they took that year off from all time low and it is self-described by them as “trash pop” but i absolutely live for it. fair enough about ajr that one hurts but i respect your taste especially since you’re so amenable to literally everything else i listen to. however MAYBE you would like dear winter since it doesn’t have the Really Produced vibe of literally every other ajr song. and maybe turning out too BUT IM NOT RECCING YOU MORE AJR SINCE YOU JUST SAID YOU DONT VIBE

ok true maybe i should have given you a warning w that one sorry love <3 but YES i will happily rec more fletcher how about strangers, princess, if you’re gonna lie, you should talk. i really really REALLY am in love w fletcher i listened to her because she was gonna be opening for niall when i saw him (along w lewis capaldi!! like what a fucking trio !!!! but anyway) and i am very sad that i won’t be seeing her anymore but she’s got some TUNES i tell ya

OKAY!!! i loveeee life changes so much seriously the lyrical fucking brilliance......idk what thomas rhett is on but i want some. hes SO good. i could use a love song reminds me of my sister which is like 70% of why it’s so close to my heart but it is a lovely song tbf. and. you LIKED come hang out !!! oh god refraining from telling you to listen to the entire album the click because im. im not gonna do that. but oh my god do i love ajr

anyway.........it really means a lot to me that you actually listened to all the songs and ??? thought about them ???? and TOLD ME YOUR THOUGHTS ???? like have i mentioned lately how much i adore you because i don’t think you understand. like. sharing music w someone, recommending music is such a, like, i dont know. it feels really intimate to me? and sometimes people will just not pay attention when u play em a song and that sucks so anyway not to get all sappy on you i just feel really strongly about the emotion of sharing music and the fact that you take the time to listen every time i recommend things, and tell me your thoughts about them. yeah. love you a whole lot.