#sorry i'm just posting every monkees thought I have (not actually sorry)

[petertork1967]

TOXIC YAOI

[bakagamieru]

-flops down- Howwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww are we still HERE, Gami? It feels like March 25th happened yesterday, with the way this ugly narrative is going. I'm so tired. I can't believe we waited all this time and NOTHING has changed re OT5. (Don't get me wrong, I love the boys' solo careers, but GOD I wish I'd gotten the fuck out the same day that FB post dropped, sigh)

I feel you, for sure.  Lately I feel like I’m here as a job more than because I enjoy it.  I go through the new events every day (not helped by the update accounts that are cluttering my dash with throwbacks rather than... you know, updates) just so that I’m active, but I almost never actually watch interviews or read articles anymore, and I haven’t even listened to all the albums that are out.  I’m just going through the motions right now.

I love all the boys individually, but I’ve always been a fan mainly of boy bands.  I love the band dynamic, so much so that I was watching an old TV show recently and realized that a group of 4 characters felt like a boy band.  My boyfriend then told me I was watching the Monkees, and I was like “Oh, I really can spot it without having a clue beforehand.”  I love being able to participate vicariously in the friendship and watch all the personalities bounce off of each other. 

Unfortunately, that’s exactly what we’re not getting with all the boys being solo.  I watched Niall and Liam’s livestream from a few days ago and it almost made me cry with how happy I was to see them laughing together.  I still want that and I think that I could get really into the band again if we’re given that, but right now it’s been such a long drought and I’m just not feeling the spark with them all separate.

I think I could even be a fan of the band without Zayn, but that’s ONLY if the Zayn situation is resolved.  If it’s not, then all I’ll ever feel when looking at OT4 is an ache of what should be and isn’t (not to mention frustration that the majority of the fandom will continue to think they’re right and to demonize Zayn).  I need Zayn to be on good terms with the boys publicly and to know that it’s his decision not to return and that everyone is ok with that if I’m to be a fan of the band without him.

I 100% believe that Zayn didn’t leave of his own accord and that he was supposed to return before the end of OTRA (I don’t see how anyone who actually looks at the evidence could believe otherwise, I mean there were 4 or 5 overlapping patterns of shade pointing to the same day for heaven’s sake), but time can change plans.  

I have no idea how much Zayn actually gets stage anxiety or how much he wants to perform.  My first instinct is still to say that he does fine when in a band at least and that his solo career was DEFINITELY sabotaged so it’s very likely that his not performing was not his decision.  However, it’s possible that he could decide during the hiatus that he’s happier out of the spotlight.  

That worries me because in that scenario, we’ll never get a proper resolution.  We’ll never know for sure if Zayn is coming back until he just... doesn’t... and doesn’t... and still doesn’t.

The things Liam has been saying about Zayn lately make me wonder if there’s any way the boys could let us know that Zayn’s not coming back that I’d actually believe.  Is Liam saying those things because it’s the same old bullshit narrative or is it because Zayn IS happier out of the spotlight and won’t be coming back and he’s trying to manage our expectations?  How am I supposed to know?  I don’t want to be that person that refuses to believe anything they’re told to the point of delusional denial, but when the situation has been so messed up from the start, how am I supposed to believe anything that plays into the negative narrative?

What I normally go off of is the outliers.  I look at the things the boys do that don’t fit the official narrative and those let me know that I’m right about the official narrative being bullshit.  Unfortunately, with the amount of time that’s passed and with Zayn being MIA 99% of the time, we’re not exactly getting a constant flow of shade/hints anymore.  The stuff that we do get is a lot more ambiguous and it’s hard to tell if it’s even intentional or if it’s just easy to read into.

I know that normally I’m saying that I’m in it for the long haul and to just hold on, but it would be willfully blind to ignore the possibility that we may not end up getting an OT5 reunion in the end.  That doesn’t mean we were wrong about the whole thing though.  And hey, we may still get that OT5 reunion.  I’m only talking about possibilities here.

I’m sorry to be a downer, but I feel like it’s only reasonable to acknowledge these feelings.  I’m pretty sure everyone who’s still here has thought some, if not all, of these things.  I’ll still be here for now, and I’ll let you know if that changes.