#sorry for this I'm sort of having a full on identity crisis and am on the verge of tears lol

[noys-boise]

i legitimately don't think I'd be alive right now without falsettos

[someoneimnot-composed]

Black Girl...

It's been so long since I used tumblr and I think I've deleted every meaningful tumblr that I ever had. This one takes it's namesake from my original, someoneimnot/some1imnot (?) I can't remember the original spelling. It was a sort of depression-cum-teenage-angst blog, full of poetic and suicidal violent references. I'm not sure how much in actuality I have changed, over 10 years later.

I've been saying ever since I started thinking about working towards my two shows next year with H and DPG that I should start a tumblr. As a way to remove myself from social media and as a way to keep a diary of pictures and influences somewhere cohesively. I guess, now I have actually set the thing up. I regularly keep a physical journal but you can't really record imagery with ease in that.

I just finished watching Ousmane Sembene's 'Black Girl' La noire de... I watched it on the first day in a long time that I have gone to bed in the afternoon out of stress and depression. I used to do this frequently when I felt down, just get into bed and sleep in the afternoon and then I would sleep again at night time. It's quite ironic given the main character in the film Diouanna slips into a depression, after travelling to the French Rivieria to take care of a white families children, and instead finds herself becoming a maid. Suddenly, I think as I write this, darkly, of my closest friendships with white girls and it's not so hard to posit myself in the position of a maid within friendship dynamics, as cruel or egotistical as that may seem, or hateful towards those said friendships. Diouanna (spoiler) eventually commits suicide to take back her autonomy, released from her confines, between the 'post-colonial' confusion of Dakar, and France, it's conqueror. My own self has entered into friendships with white girls that I thought were prettier and more confident than me. I was the silent but unrelentingly, internally opinionated side-kick. Though, not upon my own personal abuse of the freedoms of intoxicating substances. In these dynamics I felt I faded into the background, just as I had felt I had faded into the background of my own perceptibly white family, unless being heralded as particularly good at art or a good listener or source of support. I write this from the position of someone who has recently and continually fallen out with her closest white female friends, over not being able to support them enough or being available enough or not staying in her lane enough. Someone that feels very sorry for them-self, and who all to readily identifies with the idea of the black maid or that black is a representation of sadness. A black hole, a full stop.

*Who's trauma out weighs who's and who's feelings are more valid, I undoubtably seek validation amongst the feelings of drowning within my own head.*

I watched Black Girl after I woke up from this depression nap, that I took right after I felt debilitated by the financial confusion and obligations of my successes, as my accountant didn't write me back quick enough. The original and only response from my accountant with a French name, was without any sense of human to human interaction, and then not at all. You make from the soul and it becomes a commodity, both your freedom and your imprisoning, profiteering off my own identity crisis and self-righteous sense of individuality.

Black Girl is a remarkable piece of cinema and I felt upon discovering Ousmane Sembene, a sense of shame that I had not heard of him before. Then as a woman who paint's Black Girls, how could I have not come across the film before now. I am glad that I found it, though it is both depressing and complex. I am happy that it exists. I intend to watch more of Sembene's films. I hate how sad I often find the portrayal of black people, especially the portrayal of Africa.

[nyerus]

I just finished TGCF, and I'm kinda "confused"...I enjoyed it and I love Hualian, but.... One of the biggest issue I have with TGCF is... What is Xie Lian's motivation? What drives him to move forward in the story? What is even the whole story's purpose?

Like when you read Harry Potter, you know immediately that Voldemort is the bad guy and he must be defeated. Or in SVSSS, it was clear since the beginning that Shen Yuan's mission is to fix the "Proud Immortal Demon Way" if he wants to survive......

Am I missing something here....? Cause it's very different from when I read the other 2 books by MXTX....(For me : MDZS > SVSSS > TGCF)

Sorry if I'm wrong in trying to say what I mean...I did not mean to rant negatively here...Thanks if you want to answer, feel free to ignore it....Also, thanks for your hard work in this blog....

Hello there anon, and thanks for stopping by!

So I think the structure of TGCF can lend itself to the feeling of "what is the narrative's purpose," but to me it was pretty clear and so I think I can walk you through what I felt while reading!

So TGCF unlike a lot of other stories we may be used to starts out in media res -- much like MDZS, and I'll come back to this later -- and we are dropped into the story near the end of Xie Lian's classic hero's journey. Everything in the beginning parts of it have already happened. We get glimpses of these past moments in books 2 and 4, namely his "call to adventure" and "growth" in book 2, followed by his "ordeal/crisis" and "transformation" in book 4. This is why he can seem a bit aimless at the start of book 1 -- because he is. He's sort of between phases here, because he hasn't fully overcome his "ordeal" or "atonement," or reached his "apotheosis." The details or order of these phases can be debated, but the point I'm trying to make here is that Xie Lian not being at a recognizable start of his hero's journey can make his narrative seem aimless -- but in the grand scheme of things, it's not actually aimless. He's a vastly different person than he was when we are shown where he started out, so we as readers know that many things have already happened. We just aren't shown in full detail, and only ever privy to the most crucial/important parts. This can be off-putting to some readers, while others flourish with the unknown. It just depends on the type of things you enjoy!

The story itself is actually pretty similar to MDZS. Main character returns after a long absence, just kind of wants to vibe in all honesty, but is thrown into a series of messes. These happen to actually be related to the big bag at the end, whose identity the main character is trying to find out but has little information to go off on, due to machinations beyond his knowledge or control. He is assisted by an extremely capable love interest who knew him in the past, and due to that, is presently totally in love with him. As each successive plot point unfolds, the bigger picture of who's holding all the strings at the end becomes clearer. After the big bag is stopped, the hero's previously tarnished reputation is somewhat salvaged, and they have their peaceful happily-ever-after with their love interest. They also go on to do what they want to do post-canon, now with a home to return to after each adventure. Though they didn't cause (or want to cause) vast systemic changes, they still triumphed over forces of "evil" and made way for progress.

MXTX seems to really love this type of overall structure, and I think she did a masterful job using it twice but making the stories so vastly different, yet enjoyable on their own merits! (Also I think for this reason, Xie Lian and Wei Wuxian would be great friends haha!)

Xie Lian's motivations were also very clear to me throughout the novel. As a young upstart, he has lofty goals of ascending to godhood and doing the most he could to help others. He get this very, very early -- too early, in fact, and it leads to his downfall, though that itself is engineered by someone vested in seeing him fail (Jun Wu). As various trails and tribulations are thrown at him, Xie Lian is at any moment trying to just keep going, trying to do the right thing even when it's not possible. This leads to a point in his life where he just breaks and after having all his hope and light taken from him, he sees no point in his own dreams or desires. He sinks into the comfort of darkness for time, but before he lets it fully take him, he finds a reason to pull himself back out -- thanks to the fragile warmth of kindness. He realizes that no, he was not wrong in wanting to help others. However, it isn't like Xie Lian, then fettered as he is, can do much but help people in an individual basis. He can do nothing but his best, and often times, his best simply isn't enough. The odds are ever insurmountable, but he knows he still has to climb, no matter how weary. Because there is nothing else he can do.

And I think that last point is very important as well. I talked about why things may feel aimless due to the structure in the begging of this answer, but now in terms of the actual story: Xie Lian himself feels aimless, because for 800 years, he has done nothing but wander and roam. What else is he to do. He's helped people however he can, but is cursed to cause more misfortune to people should he try and stay. It severely limits what he can do, but nor is Xie Lian so naive at this point to think he can solve people's problems for them if he were to stay anyway. No, that's been... stabbed out of him by now. So when the story starts, Xie Lian is pushed and pulled in various directions by the plot, and has no choice but to go along with it. (Again, this is not that different than Wei Wuxian's rebirth; plot happens to him, and he goes with it.) All the while, we also have to keep in mind that a lot of his struggle is not necessarily with the external world. A lot of it is internal. He harbors extreme guilt and trauma that he has never processed, or allowed himself to process. It weighs down his every step, and keeps him from bearing his heart to someone he knows loves him -- out of sheer fear.

From a narrative standpoint, Hua Cheng's role is to help Xie Lian overcome this internal struggle. To release him from the shackles that are made of his own guilt, more metaphorically, though he does so literally as well. From thereon, Xie Lian is able to have that moment of self-actualization and triumph over his adversary, who is who intentionally all too similar to him in many ways. It's symbolic all around, including his victory that sees a merciful end to a villain like whom Xie Lian could have become -- but didn't.

All in all, TGCF read to me much like any other fantasy novel, including character motivations. It's just that they were very personal rather than being more grandiose. The effects were still somewhat far-reaching, with Heaven now having to rebuild, it's power structure irrevocably changed, and so on. The person who Xie Lian became after all his struggles didn't want to go on to become some lauded hero. He wanted to settle down with his beloved and continue to help people in ways that still mattered, since he anyways cannot change all of society to expunge systemic ills -- Heavenly Emperor or not. He knows he can bring hope and change to people's lives, and that on it's own is worth it. More over, he let himself accept his desire to want to be loved by someone else -- something he always thought he was unworthy to dare even wish for. To have someone who loved him for who he was, and whom he could love like that in return. He learns how to want things for himself, not just what he can provide for others.

It's refreshing to read a protagonist who isn't extremely enthusiastic about the greater ongoings of the world and trying to make everything different in said world. In TGCF we get a very character-focused, personal story in which things happen as the narrative progresses. They all tightly link back to not only the protagonist's story, but the bigger picture in the end. Xie Lian still has a very, very clear motivation to put an end to Bai Wuxiang once and for all as well, though unlike Voldemort being revealed so early on in HP, Bai Wuxiang is revealed partway through. And thereon, his true identity being someone Xie Lian genuinely trusted and even relied on -- instead of just someone that was at best tangentially related in some which way -- further lends itself to his personal struggle. Even if he is genuinely afraid, he knows he cannot suffer Bai Wuxiang/Jun Wu to continue "living." So he has both a dire external foe, and internal issues to address. And, well, I think that's a pretty good plot overall!

[cosmic-rainestorm]

Jealousy looks good on you - Brainy x reader

Warning:jealous Brainy. Also spoilers for S5E10.

This was requested by @diva-1992

It was strange to say the least, seeing multiple versions of your boyfriend in the same room. Ever since crisis and the rebirth of the Earth, many things have changed. A few examples is the fact that there is no more multiverse, everyone we have met on the different earth's is on one earth, Lex Luthor is liked by people and now there is multiple Brainiac 5's.

Other than the initial strangeness, the initial incident of when they all saw you and the mild discomfort from how the other Brainy's looked at you that went after a couple of minutes, you found it absolutely hilarious how they all contrasted from each other. Plus, they were generally great people to be around once the staring got to a bearable amount.

Happy Querl was easy to talk to and very enthusiastic, maybe a tad bit too much. Scared Querl had great fashion style and could have a nice conversation with once he wasn't in a constant jittering mess. Female Querl was confident and was straight to the point whilst also considering her words, although she could be kind of cold at moments. However none of them were the true Brainy, your Brainy. The one you fell in love with. He was a mix of all three but even better, and you loved him for him.

He, however, couldn't get past his own insecurities and jealousy over how well you got on with the others, and what they all did when they saw.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Situated in the room where eyepatch Brainy was left to rest, you couldn't help but feel sadness towards the man laying in front of you. He looked exactly like your Querl, except for the eyepatch, so how could you not feel an emotion to a dead man who looks identical to the one you love, even if you are yet to say it.

Prime Brainy strode into the room, pulling you out of your thoughts almost instantaneously. He pulled you into a hug and kiss you softly on the head in a form of reassurance that things would be okay.

"Brainy, I-I know that it isn't you lying on that table, but hunny, I can't help but feel grief towards him," you whispered to your partner "he looks exactly like you, probably thought like you as well, I can't help think of what his life was like on his Earth, if he found someone who got him like you and I get each other. Plus, knowing there is a killer coming after Brainiac 5's doesn't help ease any worries that you could be next. I-I-I can't lose you Querl."

Tear started pricking in your eyes at the mere thought of losing your Brainy and he could clearly tell the rodeal was upsetting you. As a couple of tears started falling down your cheeks, Brainy cupped you face ever so softly to try and centre you as he spoke,

"y/n, if you are feeling guilt for grieving for this man, don't. Your right, he does look like me, except for the eyepatch, sprock it is cool," he exclaimed with a small smile making you laugh "and he probably thought like me as well. If anything, you feeling grief towards my doppelganger shows how much you care about me, and it flatters me. And darling, you don't need to worry about me dying anytime soon. I'm not ready to leave you and I won't be for a very long time. Everyone is trying to figure out how exactly eyepatch me died and how to stop it should it happen again. In mean time, do not worry about whether I am alright or not okay?"

"Okay"

With that, you both got back to work to try an figure out how the other Brainiac 5's got to your Earth. However, that got disruptive when a certain ponytailed Colouan squealed your name and pulled you into a kiss, leaving both you and Querl stunned to say the least.

"Sprock y/n, I am so glad you made to see you, but why are you on this Earth?"

After the initial stun of the kiss, you blinked your back into exist to see two very similar but different Brainy's infront of you. I didn't help that when the other Brainiac's walked into the room, they also kissed you (angsty Querl on the top of your head and Female Querl also on the lips) and asked the same question. All you could do was stand there frozen until you fully comprehend what ahd just happened.

"Ummmmm, I'm on this Earth because I - live - hereee, " you uneasily resonded "I'm y/f/n y/l/n, I'm uh guessing you knew my dopplegangers huh."

You laughed slightly xnot knowing how to act as they all gave you looks of apologises. However your Brainy seemed to look more pissed off than apologetic to what just happened. Especially since his fist was slightly clenched whilst he rested his face atop it.

"Yes, it seems they do," he gritted out when suddenly he became very calm "y/n, do you mind if I have a word with my fellow Brainiac's, I would like to ask them questions surrounding how they got here but would prefer to ask them alone."

He simply smiled at you waiting for your answer. If you were honest, it not only scared you a little, but also intrigued you.

" Um yes of course dear. I have diagnostics to run anyway. It was uh lovely meeting you all."

With that, you left the room that all the Brainiac's were situatedto run diagnostics and simulations to try and solve their problem, whilst also getting away from all the staring and awkwardness of what just happened . However, Brainy wanted to know the reason as to why the other 3 were continuously looking at you and to why they kissed you

"If you don't mind me asking, why exactly were did all three of you kissed MY y/n"

All three turned to each other then looked at him. It wasn't until female Brainy spoke up did he get his answer.

"Well on my Earth, y/n was my wife for a year and a half and my partner for 4"

"Ah yes, she was also my girlfriend for 2 years, 7 months and 13.5 days. And what a tremendous girlfriend she is, well was I guess." Happy Brainy explained with a hint of sadness.

"ye-yes, y/n was m-my girlfriend for nearly 3 years as w-w-well. I loved her dearly, I would do absolutely anyth-thing for her."

Brainy was finding this hard to comprehend. Not only were they all him, they all had relationships with their Earths' version of you. It gave him a strange feeling, a feeling he severely did not like.

With his anxieties running wild, he left the room to run calculations and to try and keep his mind off the whole scenario.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It was only two hours later when you found Brainy huddled up in a spare room with a tablet. The other three had apologised to you and aexplained their situations and how it would take getting used being around a y/n that wasn't their own.

Leaning against the wall, you admired the Coluan that you were in love with and smiled softly to yourself.

"So, this is were you've been hiding, I was starting to worry darling."

After not getting an answer back which was odd to say the least, you started to get worried about Brainy.

"Brainy, are you okay. Is the other Brainiacs being here cause you to stress." you softly asked

No answer, only the soft murmuring of jumbled words could be heard from Brainy, a sign of either he was deep in thought or highly stressed.

"Querl, what's wrong, please talk to me"

"why would it matter" he huffed angrily "you probably prefer talking to one of the other versions of me."

You couldn't believe what he was saying, why would you want to talk to the others, you had obviously gone looking for him so you could spend time together away from the drama.

And then it hit you. You almost scolded yourself for not noticing it sooner. The clenched fist, the sudden calm nature of his commanding question, the forced smile, and the lack of contact just now.

"You're jealous, aren't you?" you pondered aloud with a slight smirk.

The question caused his head to whip around to face you, making you smirk more out of amusment.

"I am not jealous" he slightly gritted out.

"Oh but I think you are dear"

"That is proposterus-"

"It isn't though, because all he telltale signs are the-hmph"

In an instant, you were backed up into the nearest wall, Brainy towering over you. His breathing heavy, his hair dishevelled and his dark eyes piercing into your's. (If this isn't definition of scared and horny I don't know what is)

"y/n I am not jealous. I just don't like when they look at you or when they are talking to you or when they are near you. Especially after they had l kissed you. This is highly rational since you are MY girlfriend and you are the person that I fell in love with and I don't want anyone to get in the way of us, not even my dopplegangers since I am that in love with you!" he huffed out.

It took you both awhile for his confession of love to dawn on the both of you. At this point, both of your breathing was slightly erratic due to his confession (and because of Brainy, I mean damn). Brainy couldn't read your reaction to his reveal, whether you were happy, sad or confused. He was about to say he was sorry when your lips started to curl upwards into a smile that could only be described as full of love and adoration.

"I love you too, I have for a long time though I just didn't know how to tell you. And Querl, no one can get in the way of that, not even your dopplegangers, because they aren't you, they aren't the Coluan I fell so deeply in love with."

Brainy was ecstatic and so full of emotions that he leant down and kissed you feverishly on the lips, pouring every emotion he felt for you into that kiss, which you reciprocated with ease.

"Agent y/l/n, Director Danvers would like to see you"

Breaking apart with a slight gasp for air, you leant your forehead against Brainy's, slowly bringing your breathing back to a normal pace.

"How about when I've finished talking to Alex, you and me can work together to figure how the other Brainiac's got to our Earth. And once we have it all sorted out, you and me can go back to my place, order takeout and watch some movies. That sound good.

"Yes, I would very much like that, my love."

As you slowly walked towards the door to leave, a grin appeared on your face as you turned back to Brainy.

"Oh and by the way. You look extremely hot when your jealous love."

BONUS:

As Brainy entered the main control room, he saw you, Kara, Alex and the other Brainiac's standing around the main control panel.

With jealousy still coursing through him, Querl strode towards you and pulled you into a passionate kiss, shocking the others.

As he pulled away, he turned to his dopplegangers and smiled.

"y/n, is mine, got it"

Once they had all nodded, he walked away with a grin, leaving you a blushing mess and ran after him to slightly scold him.

---------------------------------------------------

AHHHHHHHHH, I HAD SO MUCH FUN WRITING THIS.

14th May - just proof read it as I saw some misspellings

[qwerty-the-duck]

2018 was...interesting (part 1)

So I'm basically going to go through different aspects of my life, in varying degrees of vagueness, and summing up my 2018. I basically had a huge crisis at the end of 2017 and want to see what’s changed this year. Since this is so long, I will be separating them into different sections and posting them as such. Sorry for such long posts, I know people like to just scroll past wordy posts.

                                                         Writing 

Starting in January of this year, I decided to finally sit down and write some of the ideas in my head. I took a class to force myself to do this, as my mental illness was not really helping me get motivated. 

The stories that I’ve written since then, and how much, are as follows (in chronological order):

Renewable Resource - A fantasy story where the world is being plagued by a mysterious phenomenon that is turning people into coal, and over time into ravenous monsters. In the sky, airships powered by steam, wood, and b.s. physics carry new cities above the reach of these monster. Smaller ships, carry crews around the world and save people on the surface. Selene’s town was attacked and she was rescued by the “Breaking Bulls.” A rash decision fueled by emotions and loneliness lead her into joining the crew in search of her lost mother. This was the first story I ever “wrote,” and it was one I came up with rather rashly for my first CW class workshop since I was too nervous to turn in any of my previously existing ones. I’ve written 2 chapters but am probably going to do a lot of it over again. 

Primal - A story I haven’t fully fleshed out yet. It takes place in the real world, but with a twist. Monsters called “Primals” are demons of sorts based on the 7 deadly (primal sins) and when one attacks one of the MC’s Anthony, he and his friend Dylan are pulled into a bigger plot than they ever imagined. This story was my third workshop and I really wanted to write a story that was more toned down and focused more on the mentality of my characters. It also has more humor to it than the one before it (and most of my stories.) I’ve written one chapter of this. I haven’t worked on this since last semester, but it’s not in my scraped folder yet so...

Long Story Short - The story I’ve been “working on” since middle school. A dystopian future, sci-fi story. Hyper-radiation has wrecked the world leaving it full of “zombies” and mutants who work to survive in a new world full of undiscovered, new dangers. I wrote the first two chapters for my last workshop last semester for CW and have started working on it again in the last few months. I have about six chapters by this post.

Minimal - This, oh boy, is a big one. I mean, subplots on subplots. Similar to “Primal,” this is a story in the real world, but with the existence of witches and people called ‘Minimals.’ This is probably my darkest story and could almost be classified as gore-horror at some points. There are three main arcs and I’ve written over thirty chapters of the “Arlen” arc, and one of the “Dakoda” arc. Though they are far from done. I can’t even try to summarize any of this is this post so yeah. I wrote the first 20ish chapters over the summer during an episode of insomnia so...yeah. But I submitted the first 3 chapters as workshops this semester so those have been heavily edited at least lol.

21 Solomon - My own-world-fantasy story. I’ve made races, magic rules, classes, lore, so much. A world with a history of war has to come together to fight that rise of “artificial demons” made by those angry at their lack of magic. Solomon, the strongest “demon” in the world, considered a god, is missing the one time the world needs him the most. Half of the story is finding Solomon, and the other half is fighting this war. This is my most YA or “shounen” (I know, weeb) of all my stories. I wanted this to be a more feel-good story, since all my others are...well, not. I’ve written one chapter, but I want to redo the whole thing, but I have a whole notebook of lore, mapping, rules and such. Making a whole world is a lot of work.

Untitled - A story I just started like two weeks ago. A supernatural story about a kid at a “magic” boarding school. The only problem is that they’re not supernatural, as far as they can tell. This, along with being nonbinary leads to Ryan feeling a crushing loneliness that no one at the school can understand. I wanted this story to be less plot based, and more episodic. Dealing with bullying, gender identity issues, and having a “loveable douche bag” main character (amongst other things.) It’s also the only story I have written in first person POV. 

Moving on from the stories themselves, I wanted to add a few quick things about my creative writing in general. 

I’ve been keeping a list of things that I do. Kinda like a “writing quirks” list. I noticed I like working with sets of four. Four main characters, four schools of magic, etc. I also love making overpowered, immortal characters. This forces me to come up with unconventional struggles for the character, like emotional and mental issues, or drawbacks to the great power I gave them. And as I mentioned earlier, I pretty much only write in third person POV and present tense.

Lastly, some accomplishments. I started a club and my college! A creative writing club. It’s basically the class without assigned reading and ego-crushing grades. I am El Presidente and a few of my close friends are the other officers. Finally, I made a “scarped stories” folder. This sounds bad, but it’s not. I basically have a thing where I can up with an idea, but if I don’t immediately write it down, I give up on it. So I started writing them really, really, poorly. That didn’t fix the problem, however, and I just had a sloppy folder filled with stories I had no motivation to fix. So I made a folder to put these 1-2 chapter sketches so that I wouldn’t forget about them, but I don’t have them overwhelming me when I look at my stories.

That’s it. Again, sorry for long posts. I’m a very wordy person. Next up is Art.

[websterswampus-blog]

I'm finding it so hard to put myself into all these damn houses! I am torn between Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. And Pukwudgie, Thudnerbird or Horned Serpent. I took a bunch of personality tests. I'm an INFJ-A and I am a Gemini. Any tips?

Oh my hunnie bunnie do I feel you oh so hard, my love.  This shit be cray.  Not sure how well this may help but here’s a rant that I hope will come out and pass as understandable.  In reality, every one has every trait that every single house represents (that being both Hogwarts and Ilvermorny).  The best example is when the sorting hat has an issue sorting Harry.  He has the ambition to be in Slytherin but the courage and bravery that categorizes him into Gryffindor (he also begged not to be in Slytherin but that another fact anyways).  Within us all we have ambition, smarts, courage, and loyalty along with heart, body, soul, and mind.  It just depends on which factors of ourselves are greater than the rest. I know it can be hard, especially when you think you are one house and then you read traits of another house and you’re like “WOAH HOLD UP BISH I’M ALL DEEZ THING TOO WTF?!?!” but that’s just the thing, in the end, we all have the same traits.  The ones that determine which house we belong in are the ones that outshine the others.  I’m going to use myself as an example and hopefully that’ll bring everything together. When finding my ilvermorny house, I seemed to be a Wampus and I was all “HELLZ YA!!,” then, I started reading descriptions of Thunderbirds and their traits and I was like “Okie hold up buzz happening’???”  I do arts and go on adventures and crave freedom and shite just like the next Thunderbird, so whats going on?!?!  Let’s just say, lil’ ‘ole Fahnela was having’ an identity crisis (Florence can back me up on this).  After a while, I calmed down and started comparing houses.  In the end, I realized that I really am a Wampus (Wampi, we’re still figuring that out).  While I have many traits that point to Thunderbird, being artsy and full of wanderlust, I want those things so badly which makes me a fighter above all.  In my life I fight everyday for my own happiness and for the happiness of others.  So I am both, but predominately Wampus.  Just like in Hogwarts, my house is Slytherin but Gryffindor is a decently close second.  I am very ambitious and resourceful (and can be cunning when needed ;) those are above my Gryffindor-esque traits of being daring and loving chivalry. So, long ass post kinda short (nah who am I kidding) there are bits of you that belong in every house, but the one you call home and reside in is the one you feel most at peace with and identify with most.  I know that is going against status quo but since you have taken them so many times already, take the ones you happen to keep getting and look up their main building block traits.  Be true to yourself and see which ones are really you.  Don’t block revealing your true self just because you want to be in Thunderbird cuz it’s a pretty bird or horned serpent cuz hiss hiss bish.  Be you and you’ll find where you belong.  I hope that helps hun. Sorry for this being super long and crazy.

Fahnela A. Cotex Xxx

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

⭐🥀TRIGGER WARNING!!

Introducing Last Night At 3AM. I Lost Control. Yet Another Breakdown, I Had about 30 breakdowns. No pity sympathy or attention. && NO I WAS NOT ON DRUGS! I'm over 1 year sober. Alvaro took over (one of my demons/alters) && Dancing Fire (another one) possessed me to the point I almost got a cop call. I don't wanna be a burden &: I wanna save fix care support be there for everyone and everything. I'm sick of being alive. But I can't do anything stupid cuz of me getting concerved to a state institution (which is way different than a mental hospital) cuz I've been in 215 mental hospitals & got diagnosed Critically/Clinically Insane plus over 10+ mental hospitals. All I have is my mom. The breakdowns the vivid flashbacks the mental illnesses getting 10x worse. No treatment will take me cuz I've been to all of them to many times. I can't process anything. My mind imprisons me. I dissociate 89 to 99% of the day. I've been thru every single sorts of treatments/medication I've had trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018. I'm losing my mind. And everyday it's the same thing and people get tired of hearing it.I'm so done with dealing with this everyday. I don't need sympathy. I just don't know man. My mom&& lil brother doesn't want me home, I can't explain what's wrong or going on. I don't wanna be a burden. I'm sorry man. I wanted to self harm again but I didn't. Imagine all my mental illnesses multiplied by 10. Imagine EVERYDAY HAVING VIVID FLASHBACKS AND 22+ Mental Breakdowns a day. I.am sorry if I'm negative. I'm sorry. I just wanna save and fix the world. When people ask me "how are u" idk how much reply. I'm sick of my mind. I feel like darkness is controlling me. I pray A LOT. Alvaro literally possesses me and gets in my body. I have mostly every mental health diagnosis there is. And NO I'M NOT PROUD OF IT I'M NOT BRAGGING OR GLORIFYING It. I just wanna help everyone and everything. Along the my mental health, I have autism, narcolepsy anorexia Etc. My diagnosis list is so long and I don't wanna be known for that. I can't even leave my house. When ever I feel a lil bit better, here comes Alvaro. But again I don't wanna be a burden. It's my job to be there for everyone else NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I can't take this anymore. No pity sympathy or attention. I can't seek help cuz then they'll send me to a institution cuz I've been in to many mental hospitals. I'm doing the best I can. But I'm about to snap. I can't function. And I'm getting worse. I don't want attention I want to be OK. I've dealt with all this hell most of my life. It's hard to explain. On top of that. My physical state is getting worse. I'm finding more reasons to die than to live. I'm over 1 year sober. I'm a huge hypocrite when it comes out taking my own advice. I don't love myself. But i am over caring sensitive and I help obsessively. I repeat myself idk I'm just not OK. I'm losing contact with reality. I'm scared to keep going. But I got this.🥀⭐

🥀⭐Your Enough

Your Worth It.

Your Life Has Purpose

This To Shall Pass

Im here for all y'all in anyway I possibly can.

I'm sorry if I'm annoying. I'm sorry

Stay Strong && Keep Breathing ⭐🥀

🌙🌙🔥🔥🖤🖤🥀🥀HUGE TRIGGER WARNING🥀🥀🖤🖤🔥🔥🌙🌙

🥀🥀🔥🔥Hey my name is Izzy && I'm a recovering drug addict && alcoholic with over 1 year sober. This is the longest I've been sober being out of treatment. I've used mostly every drug there is. Being homeless 13 times. In 215 mental hospitals. In 3 foster homes (2 out of 3 were abusive) group homes, unlocked and locked treatment centers, rehabs shelters, crisis centers. Short and long term treatment centers. Which none will take me back cuz I've been there to many times. I've sold myself && got tortured abused raped drugged up for drugs and money to raise my unbio son, Anthony. I lost custody cuz of false accusations. I've had multiple near death experiences (some were suicide attempts && some were naturally done) my drug of choice was meth. I've had trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018, over 10+ mental illnesses. Some were caused from a few bad trips on PCP that I never came back from. I was sleeping anywhere I could rest my head, I had to be alert at all times. Tbh I havent been to a meeting in awhile. My sponsor is like family to me. I'm redoing all my steps. I'm on step 2. I've lost a shit ton of people to drugs and I was literally getting cop calls everyday. Drugs messed with my life. And having this much clean time is amazing. Most of my life I've gotten abused raped, literally tortured and drugged up. Sold. Prostituted, almost killed. But no pity sympathy or attention pls. Any clean time is good time. And I'm proud of all of you in recovery drug addiction is a special kinda hell. Drugs become your priority and your best friend. I got tortured on the daily by people coming in one by one torturing me from orders from Kimberly (my ex fiance who hung herself in front of me) it was one by one. I got so caught on in drugs that it was the only way I knew. I used to numb the pain. I'm so blessed I found God again. Now I have 22+ mental breakdowns a day every day. I found out it had a lot to do with my drug use.🔥🔥🥀🥀

🥀🖤Thank you for breathing even when u wanted to die. Drugs kill you. There's nothing about it to be proud of its serious. You Matter Yo Important Yo A Someone Yo Enough Yo Worth It Yo Have A Purpose, Yo Have A Story, A Message, A Voice, A Reason, Yo A Warrior, A Soldier, A Survivor, A Fighter. You Are U && NoOne Can Be You, But YOU. Your Life Matters YOU MATTER, Yo Life Has Value &% I'm Glad Your Alive. Thank U For Being Alive. People say that I help everyone and everything obsessively && I don't stop. It's very true. This is a shout out to my unbio son that I raised as my own, Anthony Castillo-Martinez, I met him at one of the many abusive foster homes. Where it was owned illegally by Andrea/Angela && Jimmy Miller. We got tortured daily. They were not licensed foster parents. I met Lil Toni there and I escaped with him to meet up with Kimberly. We lived in a run down hotel in LA. I became homeless again. Toni got me through so much and even tho I can't find him (he's been gone for years) your my lil baby. I will always love u. U are my world and one day I hope to see u again. I hope you have a good home now. Going to school. Just doing well in general. And I'm sorry for you witnessing what Kimberly was doing to me. I love u babes with all my heart. 🖤🥀

🖤🔥🥀I failed Cedar House twice. This was a rehab in San Bernardino, California. I lied my way out. And I regret it. Funny thing is I already read the entire NA Basic Text && The AA Big Book. I have multiple sobriety apps on my phone and I have an app that that has NA && AA Speakers on it. I'm reading the How && Why and I'm so proud of myself && I couldn't have got this far without my sponsor, Jaclyn. She understands me better than any sponsor I've had in recovery. Here's a list of my mental disorders, some were caused Or made worse by drugs and alcohol🥀🔥🖤

🌙🔥🔥Schizo-Affective, Bipolar

ADHD, OLD, ODD,

PTSD, Insomnia

Depression, Anorexia

Anxiety, Autism

Borderline Personality Disorder

Severe Brain Damage

Attachment Disorder

Dissociative Identity Fund..

Multiple Personality Disorder

Narcolepsy, Critically/Clinically Insane🔥🔥🌙

🖤🥀Listen I don't need your pity, sympathy or attention these were all diagnosed by over 5 psychiatrists, and diagnosed "Insane" by over 10 doctors. DO NOT SELF DIAGNOSE!!!! Anyways. I attempted suicide over 100 times. Self harmed in anyway possible. They say I'm the most high maintenance case in the system of California. And the next time I go to a mental hospital I'm getting sent to a state institution. I would do anything to get drugs. Jeremy && Izzie Baraz were my street partners. They both passed away. All I have left in blood family is my mom and brother. My mom. Says if I pick up drugs one more time I'm never aloud back in her house. My dad injected me with meth and heroin at age 9, he also tortured me daily. He passed away in 2011. I'm glad he's dead. But I take full responsibility for my drug and alcohol habits. And I hope I never go back. One Day At A Time.🥀🖤

🔥🥀This To Shall Pass, If Not Today There's Always Tomorrow

God, Grant Me The Serenity

To Accept The Things I Cannot Change

The Courage To Change The Things I Can. &&

The Wisdom To Know The Difference

Amen🥀🔥

🔥🔥Keep Coming Back It Works If You Work It🔥🔥

🔥🔥A Moment Of Silence, For The Addict Who Still

Suffers, In And Out Of These Rooms🔥🔥

🔥🔥Staying Clean, Im Never Going Back🔥🔥

🥀🖤I almost relapsed again on New Year's. I almost asked a stranger to buy me Vodka. But God told me to stop.

I'm Always Here 4 All Of You, No matter What.

I'd Do Anything To Keep Y'all Alive && Breathing. To Make U OK. to Save && Fix U && Take Your Pain Away. I Love Y'all. Keep Coming Back.🖤🥀

[colorisbyshe]

Sorry for bringing ace discourse into your askbox in the year 2018, but I just noticed the only people that I have seen identifying as ace are people traumatized by sex or dealing w/ internalized homo/bi/transphobia. Ex: Tim Gunn. Doesn't this show that, at the very least, it is something people should get help for instead of just putting a label on it, call it a day and pretend they're systematically oppressed? I'm a victim of sexual violence and I get the feeling but... stop

Okay, so, we’re gonna do this… alright. Back to my roots, back to ace discourse. This post better get zero notes because i am NOT doing lesbian/bi discourse, q slur discourse, AND ace discourse at the same time.

I want to say that I believe there are genuinely asexual people. People who genuinely feel no sexual attraction, understand that to mean that if you aren’t sexually attracted to people that means you don’t want to have sex with them (which means they can still have sexual desires like, “Wow, I’m horny, time to jerk off,” but that being horny in the sense that, “Wow, I wanna fuck them,” isn’t an ace experience but an “allo” one), and are chill with it exist and are ace. I’m fine with them. i’ve BEEN them.

I also think that a lot of people traumatized by sex and genuinely do “become” ace in the sense that they no longer have any interest in sex and are so repulsed that they just can’t feel sexual attraction anymore. While I would recommend some level of therapy to them, I also recognize that a. that’s not possible for everyone and b. therapy doesn’t mean they’re going to change at all. So, y’unno, there’s a fine line to walk when it comes to trauma.

But I also think there needs to be a recognition that the idea that aces are primarily LGBT, neurodivergent/mentally ill/traumatized, minors, and/or women has to be dealt with. A lot of aces brag about how cishet aces are a rare thing and how cishet male aces are practically non-existent and that is the biggest argument against asexuality being a common thing because there is literally no reason for LGBT people to be more likely to actually lack sexual attraction.. but there are about a million and five reasons as to why LGBT people wouldn’t know they’re experiencing sexual attraction, would deny experiencing sexual attraction, and would not want to experience sexual attraction. Same thing for all the other groups listed.

Asexuality–especially when it is so broadly defined to include people who are most definitely not lacking in sexual attraction (demi-aces, grey-aces, lithros, and “sex positive/neutral” aces)–becomes a sort of bandaid label for people in denial or repressing themselves. It becomes a way for people to pussyfoot around their actual labels, the parts of it that are most demonized (ie the sexual parts), and their own feelings. It’s a way to not confront and work through trauma and dysphoria and internalized misogyny and homophobia and trnasphobia and fatphobia and racism and ableism and whatever other phobia/ism we wanna stir the pot with.

It’s a way to maybe say, “Okay, I’m gay, I want to have sex, but unlike those OTHER gay people, I am not a predator who has to have sex and is prone to animalistic urges like all of this homophobia I grew up with told me, I’m One of The Good Ones!” It’s seeing gay or trans or woman as identities defined by sex–and by sex I mean Deviant sex–and not wanting to be grouped in with that, so they find away out via labels.

Meanwhile, “Gay” can include any relationship to sex possible. Horndog, promiscuous, voluntarily celibate, wants to get laid but sucks at it, sex repulsed, traumatized by sex, low libido, high libido, prefers to flick the bean over sex with other people, top sun, bottom moon, vers rising. There is no real need to clarify it to strangers or to make your relationship to sex a central part of your identity, especially if your relationship to sex is just. not wanting it. Like, my central identity as a bisexual isn’t “not straight” or “not gay,” it’s “bisexual.” Most identities don’t work when centralized around what you aren’t or do not want. “Lacking sexual attraction,” especially when it isn’t attached to any behaviour (ie lacking sexual attraction but still having sex), doesn’t mean anything.

So, when people make a big deal out of it, I do have to wonder if there is a level of something else going on. “I’m a homoromantic ace but being ace matters to me more than being gay does,” SCREAMS internalized homophobia to me. And it’s very hard to see it any other way.

So, if I know that person, I might talk to them about it. If I don’t, I might privately be skeptical but reserve full judgments because, again, I believe asexuality is real. But in general.. it’s rough because I do think this kind of explosive movement to reconsider every identity as ace is a response to trauma, internalized self hate, and a sort of need to be pure so you’re “not like the other girls” or whatever other marginalized group you’re kind of trying to create distance from. Even cishet aces seem to be getting invested into it to say, “I’m not like other cishets, I’m not an oppressor.”

I can’t tell what is genuine and what isn’t. As a 25 year old with a medical condition that kicked my libido’s ass and went undiagnosed for years, with internalized fatphobia and a general Bad Relationship with my body in general, who is a homebody who barely even sees enough people to be attracted to (seriously, I mostly just see family, friends who I can’t see as sexual beings, and then old people)… I can barely parse my OWN feelings when it comes to my own sexual attraction, so I’m not gonna dictate someone else’s.

But from experience… yeah I do think a lot of self identifying aces aren’t ace and are using it as a way to avoid confronting inner demons. And that we should work to help them work through that rather than just being like “Yup! Sounds good, you sex loving gay person who doesn’t want o be called gay, just a homoromantic ace, you are totally fine and this isn’t a cry for help!”

QUICK NOTE THO: Tim Gunn never identified as ace the way we mean it now. He meant it as “celibate/just disinterested in sex” and has since clarified that. That’s what ace meant when he used it. And, yeah, he did use it out of the trauma of being cheated on as well as the AIDS Crisis, so no aces should cheer him on as an ace icon, especially since he has semi-recently started to put himself out there again because he was tired of isolating himself out of fear.