#sorry for the tiny vent im ok just a little frustrated

[sludgeguzzler]

yk it kinda pisses me off how only my jokey drawings get notes on here

[owlmond]

idk lil entitled ramble vent idk some thoughts haha why am i like this

general shit imma vent about not that (m?)any eyes will see this but like yeah warning ig its nothing heavy maybe idk (post writing note idk its quite personal and maybe a bit heavy idk):

guilt , family ,depression , emotional (?) manipulation (???), childhood trauma (??)

preface sometimes i sew(?) like use needles and fabric and thread and try making stuff but like sometimes not all the time i just cant like my hands are so trembling i cant move my fingers to do the things i want to the point of tears of frustration and what the fuck is wrong anyway (its not like needle fear i dgaf about needles theyre fascinating ik sewing needles and injection needles are different but either way im personally not bothered by getting pricked by needle)

anyway so mum be like why are you so sad all the time want you to be happy btw heres photos of you as a kid smiling why cant you just smile again newsflash i do smile i do laugh its hard to though when im constantly being made to feel guilty for shit i dont got cotnrol over

like sorry that the little boy smiling in those photos you keep showing me realised she wasnt a boy and has been struggling with depression for over a decade but has kept that struggle on the inside because im weird fucked up freak and i dont know why (newsflash again but at me: youre a hot fucking freak tranny thats why) (and that rocks) and also oh im just a little bit depressed im not suicidal my sibling has much more pressing issues i dont wanna be a bother idk im jus rambling

im so fucking tired ..

so much “oh come do x” “i really would rather not” “hmmph i guess you just hate us” .. “its a lovely day for y” “i do not have the energy for it” “ok you hate me” .. like im struggling ik im shit at communication but idk ive spent 23 years learning to hide myself because theres just so much mockery and guiltness and im so tired

“why dont you talk to us?” “1) autistic 2) hows it gonna turn into laugh at me this time”

“its ok you can tell me anything” yeah ok like how whenever id tell you something privately as a kid or if i did something embarrassing id have to cry in my room broken trust or reliving it over and over as you called and told various relatives one by one idk thinking i couldnt hear or some shit ?? feeling the pit in my stomach grow with each retelling ? kids are people too maybe if youre gonna break their trust because yeah maybe it is a funny story and kids are funny at least dont do it in earshot ?? or maybe (novel idea i know) respect their privacy and keep their trust and dont share with the whole family things they told you in confidence or things which are gonna make them feel bad as fuck like yeah ok sorry i barely talk to you i wonder if theres any reason for that ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

“why dont you sing anymore?” i dunno maybe because i used to sing while shitting and like i was probably 9 or 10 got out the turlet the find the whole family ear to the bathroom door been like “haha (s)he’s been singing on the turlet lmao” (then reliving the embarrassment through hearing the phone calls for the next two afternoons “hi (relative), (deadbame) was singing on the toilet ROFL isnt that funny hhaha”) (i was fucking 10 years old) or like for years after that because i was so fucking traumatised by that i dont wanna sing but would hum along to music while alone in my room because singing was like i didnt want to be perceived and then getting ridiculed for that too hahahahahahahahahahahaha

old vampire from vampire movie with the like hot daughter whos misunderstood and the nerd ginger guy with freckles who does like turbo freak dancing voice: haha (name of ginger guy) i am thinking i have a lot of stuff to unpack and work through lmao

anyway so today mum got me a cheap tiny blocks make an avocado which like i have no attachment to its basically garbage like i dont want it but “im so sad” so i get a gift the last time i got given a tiny block thing i had a breakdown because trying to building it hand function ceased like hands shaking so much couldnt manipulate my fingers so its just a box filled with green rubbish like i dont want to build it i will derive no joy from it and likely would end up feeling big shitly maybe im a soulless ghoul but like :| idk

also ive got problem maybe its autistic thing its not like hoarding from the show hoarders but like idk its a degree of hoarding maybe idk ill keep a shoebox on the floor because like oh shoeboxes are useful sometimes people need them or keep a box for like a (blank idfk) because oh what if the little manual or the warranty or something but too unable to actually check for those (spoiler alert beb you aint gonna need those shits) poibt being i dont need plastic shit i dont want it i dont need it now its just guilt item like i cant throw it away because “but i bought it for you” but i dont want anythjng to do witb it im not gonna assemble it managed to put it in a drawer lmao at least i wont have to see it much and feel guilty as much like i gotta ve like “thanks for the box of guilty feelings :DDD” idfk

its not always like this but it s enough ..

i wish that i could get support like i need fucking help to find a job idfk like idk i guess i should be thankful and like i am that ive been able to live with my parents and be unemployed while figuring out health shit and not get kicked out ik other people have it much worse off but the toll being here takes on my mental fortitude is great sometimes idfk just some rambly venting idk

to just not live with my parents and not have to continue hiding my fucking freak faggotry not have to have my guard up all the time before being able to enjoy something or feel an emotion to not have to feel guilty for just existing idfk i mean ive told them im trans and they were like alright we’re chill but its so hard to talk to them idfk im still deadname haha i am OK im still he/him hahaha bc idk idfk i cant ask for help bwcause like history of ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ idk

/vent ig

[smol-venting]

My day was absolutely horrible.

But

It has a happy ending

Until tomorrow.

~

Today we walk into this lady’s house named sarah. She talks super slow and drunk like, yet doesn’t drink or do drugs. So she’s just weird. I guess she broke her ankle so now she can’t clean her house herself and asks others to do it for her. She asked these 2 girls (married) to come clean but they did a tiny amount of work and tricked her into paying early then bailed. $80. So mom offered our help so we could pay tabs on our car (but mom changed it to paying electricity bill).

So the mom of sarah, a shaky old woman who freaks me out and says weird stuff, smokes. And im sorry but smokers have the dirtiest houses. Walls n stuff are always black cuz of the smoke. Hate it. So mom and I start cleaning. Mom does dishes and I vacuum. No problem right? Of course. Mom stops midway to say how “faint” she feels, then tells me to finish dishes. Whatever ok. So I do it, then mom continues standing and sweeps. Now she’s whispering tome how she’s feeling sick and out of breath and bla bla bla. So I tell her to just sit already.

I knew wtf she was fucking pulling right away.

We all force her to sit, as she battles us by saying “oh but I wanna help~” and I say I’ll just do it.

Boy was she happy to hear that. She sat the rest of the time, swapping stories with sarah while I cleaned.

I wouldn’t have minded so much, if I didn’t go upstairs to clean the kids room.....

And found large dog poop.

Ew. I found it UNDER kids clothes.

So the old lady comes n cleans it then I look to my left and see 5 MORE PILES OF HARDENED/OLD LARGE DOG POOP

SomE SMEARED ON A TOY!!!!

I gagged. She cleaned them but I still smelled it and was too disgusted to really work. I just pictured those being there so long, kids played with it IDK!

So I continued cleaning up the toys and eventually burned out. Used all my spoons up. So I started becoming fussy n frustrated I had to keep going.

I was asked to collect some clothes from a pile in the hallway to bring down to wash.

Guess what I saaaaaw~ 🎵

MORE POO!!!!! 2MORE PILES I N THE CLOTHES!!!! Insert more gagging and starting to cry.

Then mom left with sarah to Walmart and idk where old lady went, but I was alone to fold nasty clothes I didn’t feel comfortable touching. I started crying, in between pacing around having a one sided pretend argument with mom about quitting this. I just was too burned to even move. So crying turned into, somehow, me falling asleep sitting up. Light sleep tho.

Luckily my little sister came back from her adventures with friends and came to console me and talked me into standing up to mom and leaving. As I started to go, mom came home and said it was time to go. Lol. Good timing.

But with all that happened, and my reports to mom, im still being forced to come back tomorrow to continue cleaning. Mom was paid $80 and will be paid $20 tomorrow. For all her hard work, ya know. 😞

All mom could say to my experience was “im sorry”, but Sorry doesn’t cut it. I draw the line at hardened dog poop.

I don’t wanna go back.

Luckily mom took me to dad, afterwards, n I got my squishies and he promised to pay me $50 to do some art stuffs he wanted. ^^; but im still too low on spoons to do much yet.

Luckily my paci and stuffies n tumblr made my night all the better.

I just worry about tomorrow.

Im sorry for such a long vent... im also just documenting my days so I don’t forget.

- March 11, 2018