#sorry for ranting but i'm losing my mind and i need to write it somewhere 😭😭

[reijndeers]

i know that i can't watch a second division dutch team and hold them to the same expectations as one of the best teams in the prem but oh my god this is unwatchable at best.

we're 2-1 down in the 88th minute and you pass back?? you have a teammate in front of you completely free and you pass to the one marked by about 50 defenders?? it's like they deliberately lack any amount of foresight and it's so genuinely painful to watch. if janosek didn't exist we would be 19th because there is not a single other person who provides a semblance of attacking threat. our subs can barely make an impact because jp subs off our main creator, every other player is completely sluggish by the 70th minute and i just feel bad for the ones that actually try whatsoever. jp keeps repeating lineups and tactics that AREN'T WORKING. we're out of a playoff spot in one of the most important parts of the season. i can't think of 1 thing that's going right rn. i've never heard the b-side be this mad. we cannot go on like this man.

[starks-hero]

Okay you did not need to deliver such a fucking fantastic fic! Apologies for the entire ass rant I'm about to leave but you don't get to write something this good without some maniac of a fanfic reader squealing and flailing about it so...

Firstly, the title absolutely divine, but then I am a sucker for romantically poetic notions especially if there's a thread of angst in it

This is the first Thorin fic I've ever read, I'm not that big on Thorin (esp not when fili is right there👀 ) but *ahem that gif also your note of 'the intimacy of going insane with your crush' reeled me in, if that isn't the best genre ever! 🤣

You captured the eerie murkiness of Mirkwood so well and you really got Thorin's essence like nothing seemed out of place at all

THE DIALOGUE 👏👏👏 magnifique

'In the bogs of a cursed forest with your friends lost and your mind bewitched, all so that the king would keep looking at you as he was now'>>> I loved every word of this. You know that feeling when you haven't listened to ABBA in a while and then out of nowhere you hear it playing somewhere and there's a rising of joy in your soul and it feels like all the world has been righted. That is the feeling of that paragraph. Sorry but I love words and I love reading and you just killed it with that wording okay

🌌THE WHOLE INTERACTION WITH BOG CREATURE THORIN!!!! "I'm so glad, Amrâlimê, you must not look so surprised, my love" his thumb grazed your jaw, "that I should wish to call you such a name">>>cue me almost throwing my phone and screeching like the fell beasts of the Nazgûl🌌

Not to mention Thorin's interaction with the bog creatures! "Reader" being dismissive about the safety of the others and 'Thorin offering a baffled look that doubled as a warning'

Once again need I mention THE DIALOGUE IN THIS FIC! 💕

Question about the LOTR Dead Marshes, if you drown in there you become one of them, right? So if an siúlóir portaigh get you drowned do you become one of them?

In case you couldn't tell (lol) I'm seriously loving your own irish mythology infused into Tolkien's world

I feel like celtic/irish stuff and Gaelige fit quite well in Tolkien's creation. I dunno why but the Irish language feels at home in Tolkien's world to me, same with Scottish Gaelic

I have such little grasp of my own language it feels like old world/other worldly literary/mythical creation to me. Probably why it meshes so well with Middle Earth in my mind. Like it doesn't seem real to me but maybe that's cuz I'm from the North 🤣 (I will get my ass in gear and learn it better one day but laziness and annoyance win thus far)

Thorin staring off into nothing. Being brought back to reality by the sting of his wound. And then the first thing he does is worry/obsess over the illusion he saw. **weeping**fucking weeping* Your honor I need them to be together 😢 If you ever part 2 this pls tag me girl

P.s. I find it cruel that you aren't a published author. I need to read a whole book by you. Your writing style is sublime. It's just in that exact vein that is just so appealing to me. I'm not great at articulating myself so I'll just say this had me like 'ooh you bastid (affectionate).' YOUR. WRITING. SLAPS. If you ever publish your own book pls alert me cuz I will read it despite the possibility of it inducing cardiac arrest in me. Sorry books make me excited. From your mythology of the siúlóir portaigh and your general writing style I'm getting V.E. Schwab vibes but way way better

Imma shush now. Peace out ✌ God Bless 🕊 and Slán

Putting a read more option because I'm about to lose my mind :)

I want to start by saying that this is one of if not the kindest messages I've ever received, I mean wow. You completely moved me to tears. Watch me drive to the North right now just to give you a hug.

If it's okay I'm going to rant right back at you lol because there's so much things you mentioned that I want to discuss!

The title is actually based on a poem about sirens! I thought it fit the vibe of the fic really well.

Dialogue is something I've always struggled with. I could use a thousand words to describe a tree but I always get nervous when it comes to dialogue. I feel like when I write conversations they're always clunky so to get such positive feedback about that aspect of my writing is so lovely <3

GIRL YOU DID NOT JUST COMPARE MY WRITING TO ABBA! I needed to sit down reading this part. This is the greatest compliment I've ever received–

“If an siúlóir portaigh get you drowned do you become one of them?” when it comes to the siúlorí I haven't really fleshed them out enough (haha get it) to have any solid lore for them. So far all I have is that they roam bogs, marshes and wetlands and use a siren-like approach when hunting their prey. Wether they attack people to sustain themselves, to condemn their victim to the same faith as them or just out of maliciousness I haven't decided. It's completely up to interpretation :)

Bestie, don't get me started on how well the Irish language and Irish culture fits into the world of Tolkien. I could write essays. I think that's why I've always found middle earth so comforting, it's a fractured reflection of my own home.

As someone who's been out of school for a year and is still learning gaeilge, I promise we'll get there someday :)

Prior to my Thorin fic I hadn't written anything since October of last year due to writers block and self doubt. So to not only hear such lovely things about my writing but to also be compared to a published author– You have no idea how much it means to me. Thank you so much! You are every writer's dream.

Slán go foil, mo chara! Agus go raibh míle maith agat <3

[tikitsune]

This has, in fact, inspired me to write. So I hope you don't mind.

She rushed to seventh floor of the castle as routinely as her Sunday could be here. Behind her, she could hear the cursing of her fellow housemates a couple corridors down.

Coming across a door she recognized, she quickly made her way into her safe place and slammed the door behind her.

Her back pressed against the door as she took a couple breathes to calm herself down. You would think that for all the times this has happened, it would get easier.

She turned her gaze up to see two people cuddling, looking equally as startled. "What are you doing in my special place?"

One look at her tie was enough to make the one with an identical tie breathe out a sigh of relieve and chuckle. "You're the second year that everyone refuses to believe is in our house right?"

She glanced back at the door before slowly nodding. "Then it was our special place first." He said smugly.

She laughed. "You're cute, by the way."

She walked over to the book shelf where she had stashed her favorite books.

"You don't hate us? Or what we are doing?" The voice from the other guy asked.

"You guys are cute and that's not me. I regularly go home to a family that doesn't want me and a glock that I can use to easily kill myself or others. Like I give a shit about who loves who."

The Desi boy casted a concerned glance her way. "You're suicidal? Do you need someone to talk to?"

She smiled. "I will tell you in the future that right now is the time that I want to die the most, I can guarantee you that. I'm fine."

They all shared a laugh and got to in now each other that night.

"Reggie!" He looked up from his place on the wall to find her running over to him. "Is it true that James asked someone out?"

He could only stare at her in sorrow. She immediately hugged him. "I am so sorry."

She pulled away and rested their foreheads together. "Well isn't this a surprise, Black. And here I thought you were gay."

She turned to find Mulciber staring at the two. "Shut up and so what if he is?" She grabbed Regulus's hand and dragged him away.

"Hey guys! Wait up!" James called running after them.

She pushed Regulus behind her and greeted. "Potter." The use of his last name soured his face. "Apologies but we have somewhere to be."

They walked away from the stunned seventh year without another thought or word.

As they walked to the front entrance, she was ranting about how she was carrying a loaded holster and no one would know because of the school cloak. The rant switched to how easy it would be to hide a body and where which quickle transformed into where to hide a cat's dead body in school grounds because a teacher was passing by.

"You are taking me with you." She insisted, him having snuck her into his room.

He looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "And assuming I allow this is the first place, how?"

She pulled out the invisibility cloak she stole from Potter and wrapped it around herself. "You stole it from him?"

She nodded. "And plus it's not like I became an animagus for nothing."

"But your patronus is an orca."

"Contrary to popular belief, your patronus and animagus don't have to be the exact same thing." She transformed into a osprey.

"Okay and how do you plan on staying hidden?" A break grabbed the slivery clock that had fell around them.

"Fine."

"He's basically sending you on a suicide mission." She nearly yelled at him except for the fact that she wasn't supposed to be there in the first place.

She turned to the door and casted privacy spells. "Yes I can use wandless magic. I can already see your brain trying to distract me. Now tell me, what is stopping me from going out there and blasting a bullet into his brain." She grabbed her gun out of her holster and pointed it at the door.

"They could probably kill you before or after you do and I would lose you."

"Fair enough." The gun was slid back into its holster. She grabbed the invisibility cloak from its place on the ground and folded it before putting it on Regulus's bed. She then removed her holster from her waist and set it in top of the folded cloak. "Well, you should probably put your letter to him on it."

He did as he was told. "Expecto patronum." An orca popped into existence. "Well what do you want to say to him?"

Regulus didn't say much just looked sad as he said he was sorry for whatever made them break up because apparently even he didn't know and then forgave him. He ended with saying that even after all this time, Regulus still lives him.

She put her arm around his waist. "Potter. James. By the time you get this Reggie and I will be did. I have many things I want to say to you about the whole thing but we don't have much time. I want to say that I forgive you for hurting my brother as much as you did but I will never forget. I hope you don't join us so soon."

She willed then end of the message and commanded her patronus. "Find him and stay near. Give him these." She pointed at the pile if stuff on Regulus's bed. "Don't show him the stuff or the message until we can feel me dying."

Her hands covered her mouth as she watched the Dark Lord walk away. She rushed down to him crying. "Reggie, give me some."

She could see in his eyes that he didn't want her to due with him. "No, I am not leaving the only one who stuck by my side for so long. I am not leaving my brother."

She kissed him and took some of the burden from him as both passed away. One hunched over the other, their bodies withering away.

It's shit but that's what I can remember frim when I played it out 30 minutes ago. So eh. Not my best work but not my worst.

my roman empire is james and regulus being a couple for years as teenagers.

both men being teased for remaining chronically single.

james asking sirius about regulus, and being shut down with an "i dont want to talk about him,"

regulus staring at him during meal-times. his friends assumed he was looking at sirius.

james asking lily out, in seventh year, and everybody breathing a sigh of relief: "thank merlin, hes not queer"

regulus stiffening when "wouldn't it be nice" started playing.

james blatantly refusing to have his and lily's first dance to "can't help falling in love" for a reason nobody could quite understand.

regulus still smelling james in amortentia, even years afterwards.

james knowing something is wrong, in his gut. nobody believes him when he says that something terrible has happened.

no-one understanding, or wanting to understand, why james potter was so affected by his best friend's little brother dying.

james telling lily to run, but not moving. he wasn't scared; he'd see regulus again soon.

[from-izzy]

hi izzy,

I hope you don't mind me doing this on anon but I just wanted to say in response to the two anons who seemed to have a problem with your work that there is absolutely nothing wrong in the nature of the topics that you're choosing to write about. You're neither approaching it insensitively nor are you forcing your content upon anyone and that's actually quite important because anyone who chooses to engage with it is therefore doing so of their own free will like those anons seem to have done.

You've even addressed the issue of content warnings too to make sure that people know what they'll be getting into so honestly, there's not much more you can do beyond that if they choose to continue reading. But you, having taken those actions, would already know that.

I've not read through all of your works (which is a damn shame) but even I have to acknowledge the importance of the topics that you address in your personal series. Not all fiction (fan made or not) exists to perpetuate typical notions of romance. And actually, it's so important to have media (whether it be in the form of books or whatnot) that addresses mental health and other such topics in order to circulate and normalise those discussions. It's so easy for people to say they advocate for mental health, etc. but when someone does something that could positively impact the field, they're quick to reject it because it's uncomfortable for them. Life isn't always comfortable for everyone and THAT'S the reality of it.

And the notes about how writing isn't meant to reflect reality, etc. is absolute nonsense. The whole point of writing is that authors put to paper the words they wish to read or the stories they want to share. It's not an exclusive field. And you're doing just that. Sure, your work may not give everyone the escape they want but you never claimed it did. Plus, not everyone engages in reading to escape. Some people read to be comforted, to relax, or simply because they want to. And your work is so important for the former.

Most importantly, it helped you! Writing is your outlet and no one should be allowed to take that from you simply because it doesn't meet their standards of what writing should or shouldn't be. It would be a shame for anyone to lose literary integrity simply because people don't understand how impactful your words can be to the people that read it and those that need it (and that includes yourself).

I really hope they don't discourage you from writing not now and not ever because honestly, from what I have read so far, it's important for you but also for others that you're able to put the work you want out there.

Anyways, I wish you all the best for the future and sorry for my messy rant!

hi anon 🥹 i'm sorry i'm responding this encouragement of yours pretty late 😭 i wanted to make sure i wrote a really nice reply back with all the points you made here, making sure that i convey my gratefulness to you for this 💝

i remember reading this for the first time and my first reaction was to panic first because well...as you mentioned in your ask, i haven't had the best times with anon asks 🥹 in saying that! anons like you and others have come to my inbox to send my encouragements and i'm really glad for you all 🫂

thank you for supporting in the topic that i write about, i really appreciate this ❤️‍🩹 mental health is still such an interesting topic when being talked about in public. in a closed off space, for example, between friends or between a professional, it just stays there but open the door just a little bit, and somewhere in the crowd, you'll see someone glaring at you for talking about it. i grew up knowing nothing about it and so moving to a culture where it's heavily emphasised is something that i'll always be thankful for. being able to talk about it has helped me so much and that's why i choose to write these and i don't see myself stopping to write about these. but of course, content warnings!! thank you for acknowledging that i'm doing all i can for this 🫂

i see the way topics of mental health have developed in my life and for me, it's touching that most people are now able to talk about it without being judged and i genuinely think it should be like that going forward. i do understand how these topics can be uncomfortable but that's why i think setting boundaries are key. for writing, i do this through warnings, for friendships and conversations, i ask about how in-depth i can talk about each topic.

concealing it, ignoring it and/or stopping to talk about these topics will only make it worse. and this goes with anything that should be talked about more.

when i first started writing, i knew that i wanted to talk about these kinds of things but i was too scared to jump into it straight away. that's why it was really hard for me to release cupid's mistake because the main idea of that story is a part of me that not even everyone in real life knows about me. it has always been a goal for me to connect with my readers a bit further by explaining the background of the story and how it relates to me. i think this step further is important for telling people that they're not alone if they're facing similar issues; because that's how the people around me has helped me in my mental health journey.

i thought about why i was scared at first but i decided to go for it and i told myself: if people judge me because of this, then they don't have to read it!! it's similar in real life where if people judge me over this, then they don't have to be around me or be my friend. it's as simple as that to me. i can see why readers who don't write think that stories could lean towards being written not based on reality but you're correct anon, it's not an exclusive field and everyone reads for different reasons 🥹🫂 just the same as how writers will write for different reasons. for me, it has always been to talk about these topics and provide comfort. but yes, not all my writings are centred around that because i still love other genres too!!

writing has helped me in ways that i never thought of and for me, it's a healthy hobby that i hope will continue to be 💜 i'm even thinking of taking a unit on creative writing next semester but we shall see about that!! 🥰 if i do, hopefully i can make the quality of my writing better!! 🫶

thank you so much for supporting my work, anon 💝 genuinely, this gave me so much comfort and it's not messy at all by the way! i think this response is messier 😭🤣😭 i have no idea who you are, if we're mutuals, or if we have ever interacted before but if someday you're ever ready to reveal yourself, i just want to give you the biggest hug but for now, here you go: 🫂🫂🫂🫂 thank you for making me feel welcomed and loved in this community 💕

all the best to you too!! have an awesome rest of the day/night!! ☀️🌙

[violetvettel]

I really really really feel like shit and idk what to do.

[autumnsorbet]

Yes sometimes I question some of the writing nakuba does with the characters cuz there's a lot of potential there and it feels like you wasted or that he should introduce certain characters at a better time and it would fit the story better and I get that this is his story and he can write it whatever way he wants but there's just like all these opportunities

like I'm still hoping to this day that maybe in the end it will be Morgana behind the reason why Arthur is evil in the current story and not just something like chaos itself controlling him cuz that feels kind of boring and I swear to God if it's that damn cat Cath controlling him I'm going to lose my mind

I'm also hoping that something doesn't happen and if we do get Arthur getting a redemption Arc like all the other villains did in the original series and he gets to maybe rebuild his kingdom normally this time with the four nights watching over him I really hope that he and Merlin don't end up together I admit I used to ship them but I just don't really ship them anymore after rereading and rewatching the series cuz I do now actually do see that she is more like a mother figure to him but I'm just so afraid that nakuba will do something like that or he'll have them end up together

I really do hope we get to see his sister I know in some versions of King Arthur storys he has to have sisters but I'm hoping that if we do see his sister we do get to see Mordred

I'm thinking we actually already have seen more dread I've even made some theories on it but it may not come true I don't know like I said there's a lot of potential and where the story could go but I know it might not happen which is why I'm glad I see so many people who do a lot more au stories when it comes to the four nights of the Apocalypse cuz I feel like a majority of us can agree that the story just feels kind of like is trying to go somewhere but it's not getting to the point quick enough or it's like we don't feel what we're supposed to for the characters yet and again that's just more wasted potential I'm seeing it does look like it's improving a bit and I'm hoping by the time we get to a part three it will be better

And I also have to realize that when it comes to the main Cannon story that I know at some point if we do get introduced to Morgan or Morgana or however you say her name

Nakuba going to do the one thing I hope he doesn't do and I just pray he doesn't do it if anything I would prefer something like your version where we're going to get a fragment of chaos and she has Mordred like that I really hope we don't see Arthur and his sister end up together and create cuz I know nakuba was probably still do that like all the other King Arthur stories it's always seemed like an unnecessary part of the stories to me could have just had it where his sister was upset with Arthur like other times and he did not need to be more than father 😭

Sorry for my random rant

I was working on the requests but I remembered a conversation I had with my sister the other day about an interesting topic,

How Nakaba WASTED THE GOLDEN OPORTUNITY of using Morgana Le Fay as the VILLAIN of 4kota(Even if it's cliché)

and it could have been implemented much earlier!! After all, in the Arthurian legends, Morgana is Arthur's half-sister, she could have participated in NNT as an ally who little by little went to the dark side (like Cassandra from Tangled but without a happy ending).

Imagine this, Morgana was just born to Uther Pendragon, having a great ability for magic, but he decided that she could not inherit his throne for x or y reason (being a woman, some profession, being a daughter out of wedlock) and sent her away to Avalon, where She lives her entire life away from her father's influence, but with great resentment towards him for having pushed her away (maybe even killing her mother too?) so she hones her magic with the fairies and wizards of Avalon.

So time passes and Morgana becomes a very strong magician, but she learns from others that her younger half-brother, Arthur, has just pulled the sword from the stone, and that he will be crowned king of Camelot.

NOW, Morgana would like to believe that her hatred is only reserved for Uther, so she goes to Camelot as soon as possible and the whole way she doesn't stop thinking about all this: how long has it been since she went to Camelot? What is her younger brother like? Is he like his-their- father? Although in general I think that Morgana did not want Arthur to be alone running the kingdom, whatever it was, he was her brother after all.

I think Arthur wouldn't even know he had a sister until shortly before Morgana arrived, like "oh by the way, your sister is coming to visit, your half-sister from the king" and Arthur would obviously be nervous about Morgana rejecting him but VERY EXCITED once he hears that she is a powerful mage.

And when do they meet? It's like putting a black cat with an orange cat, but surprisingly they would get along, at first.

Arthur would take Morgana as an advisory figure as she was more in contact with the political environment and helped him adapt to the royal environment, they shared tricks for fights, etc. Everything seems to be going smoothly, they both get along well.

Arthur has a STABLE and loving figure who is willing to teach him and be a family figure at the same time. and Morgana has someone who listens to her and makes her feel important.

but during the series the problems begin.

As the series progresses and Arthur becomes stronger and more mature, Morgana feels that the hatred she had towards Uther is no longer enough, as she begins to doubt whether or not she should love Arthur as HE is her replacement for a "proper heir", yes, she knows that's fucked up to think like that, but on the other hand, is it really wrong if it's your birthright?

and Morgana may have had these moments of weakness where she questioned her recently found platonic love for Arthur and her former bitterness with the Pendragons, having her ups and downs.

She loves Arthur, but she's also very recent about what her father did, and she's trying SO hard not to let it affect him.

But that's not the only thing that pushes her to the limit.

Let's say when the holy war begins, Morgana has a thousand and one doubts about her place in the world and then Arthur DIES.

and what's worse! When he revives, she realizes what Merlin wants to do with him.

(It would be especially horrible if Morgana and Merlin end up having a relationship as friends or as a pupil and teacher themselves).

Morgana pleads, BEGGS, Arthur not to trust what Merlin tells him, that what she wants him to do will not be for the greater good, but for her own benefit and Arthur is confused.

On one hand he wants to believe that after everything he's been through with Morgana she wouldn't lie to him, but Merlin is the closest thing he has to a mother...and the baby is very confused about what to do.

and here two possible endings and how Morgana reappeared in 4Kota:

1- STICKED TO THE CANON:

Arthur ends up bringing chaos, realizing that Morgana was telling the truth, Camelot is destroyed (maybe even Avalon too?) and that makes Morgana lose faith in wanting to help Arthur and the deadly sins, since THEY were the ones who brought that destruction to HIS HOME, and decides to do what has to be done.

which means that a plot begins against the Monarchies, especially against Liones and the Demonic kingdom, seeing them as the main causes of the destruction of Camelot (Meliodas and Zeldris), at the same time that he would try by all means to usurp Arthur's throne. . Even if he tries to make her reconsider.

(good alternative, Sunshine Arthur with wife Guinevere but that has some congruence in the canonical story, but I have a better one:)

2: FUCK THE CANON

Morgana applies a Cassandra from Tangled and obtains chaos instead of Arthur, becoming an antagonist who, although she helps defeat the demon king and so on, at the end of the conflict becomes a full-fledged villain.

having been devalued and pushed aside her entire life NOW even by her brother, and finally having the power to have what rightfully belongs to her makes Morgana very power-hungry. At the same time, Arthur would be having a lot of regret for not having believed his sister at the time and wants to redeem her, but it is difficult when Morgana begins her sale to all those who do not follow her to her "new Camelot."

Arthur here would not have Chaos but he would have Escalibur, which would be his advantage against Morgana in a certain way. although she is working on a "bastard sword" to change that.

Arthur is still a cinnamon roll, only with trauma and above all WITHOUT THE CHAOS, so he thinks things through better and is not corrupted.

Morgana, on the other hand, suffers a great mental decline due to Chaos, but she disguises it under the face of a smiling Queen.

Can you imagine if she created a Mordred from Chaos? ☠️ she says he is her son but trains him so that he can face Arthur and win the crown for her (because Morgana knows she couldn't handle all the allies Arthur has in this reality).

or she just wants to make Mordred do her dirty work because deep down she still loves his little brother...

(it would be especially creepy if said Mordred is similar in appearance to both her and Arthur ☠️ as if she wants a child, but also a version of Arthur that if he had listened to her and joined her...)

anyway...what do you think?

regardless of that, FUCK YOU NAKABAAAAAA!!

[batlingsstuff]

|| DREAM SMP HEADCANON|| Ranboo with Dementia

✧─── ･ ｡ﾟ★: *.✦ .* :★. ───✧

AYYY WHAT'S UP GUYS it's me :) i'm sorry this took so long to make, school is fxcking me over

okay okay now onto the headcanon

this will be pure angst, so be ready boys ;)

also, this is completely platonic.

insp: Everywhere at the End of Time - The Caretaker

TW/CW // anxiety, death, panic attacks, hallucinations, dementia

✧─── ･ ｡ﾟ★: *.✦ .* :★. ───✧

┌────── ⋆⋅✦⋅⋆ ──────┐

GENDER NEUTRAL

└────── ⋆⋅✦⋅⋆ ──────┘

✦ - STAGE ONE

at first everything was normal, you two were best friends and did basically everything together

he ocassionally forgot little things, like where he left his pickaxe and other stuff

it was harder for him to concentrate so you always were there for him to help him with everythimg, even just little things

and he appreciates it so much

then the behaviour changes, like suddenly getting more angry and/or impatient

and being more cheerful than usual

then the anxiety, he was always scared and one time he had a really bad panic attack

you were absolutely concerned about him and decided to take care of him

you never left his side

he always talked about how scared he was

and ranted for hours

until he forgot about his problems

✦ - STAGE TWO

everything stayed like that for two years, then he started forgetting major things, like people's names

one day you two went to visit your friend, jack manifold

he couldn't remember his name or who he was

you noticed there was something wrong with him, and decided to take him to several hospitals and clinics

after several check-ups you got the results

he was diagnosed with dementia

you cried for hours while he was sitting next to you patting your back, constantly asking why you were crying

he would ask the same question several times, making you cry harder

you moved in with him to make sure he was taking his meds

"why am i taking these, (y/n)?"

'for your own sake'

one day you took him to a walk around snowchester and he looked disorientated, not knowing what was that place

✦ - STAGE THREE

everything was worse, so much worse

he lost his memory book because he misplaced it somewhere, but you don't know where

he had trouble with speaking and stumbled with his words most of the time

tubbo, his platonical husband, came to visit every now and then to check up on ranboo

but ranboo forgot who was him

"your husband? haha oh no, i don't rem...ember getting engaged, i'm sorry."

"why are you crying?"

tubbo stopped visiting after that

he often had problem differentiating colours

one day he was so depressed that he couldn't get out of the bed for two days

after that, he seemed to have trouble recognizing you

'ranboo, it's me, your best friend (y/n)! don't you remember me ranboo? please remember.'

"i... don't know who you are... i'm sorry. i don't even r...ecall having a b-best friend."

you couldn't stop crying

your best friend was slowly losing his memories, and you couldn't do anything about it

i guess it's over, isn't it?

✦ - STAGE FOUR

his memory problems got so much worse, he forgot that water could actually damage him

he was curious about the rain, so he got out one day when it was raining and put out his hand to reach the droplets

he hissed in pain when the water damaged his skin and stormed back inside

hopefully you treated his wounds quickly and told him that it was better if he stayed in bed for now

while he was in bed and you were trying to get some rest besides him, he allucinated about a whole ass wave drowning him and he started to scream, like if he was in pain

you woke up due to the screaming and tried to calm him down, hugging him tightly and shushing him

he calmed down after a few minutes, sobbing loudly and returning the hug

he was scared, he didn't want to die

he couldn't talk at this point, every noise that came out of his mouth was incomprehensible, he was unable to communicate with others normally

you couldn't understand him, he couldn't understand you

your friendship was falling apart with the time

but afterall, you were there for him.

and that warmed his heart, even if he wasn't aware of that.

✦ - STAGE FIVE

he stayed up late multiple times, just watching you sleep or looking at the window, not able to think about anything

he felt like he was disconnecting from reality, like if his soul was slowly leaving his body

everything was foggy in his mind as he started to forget who was he, what was his name and occupation, who were his friends

who were his friends? is a question that he often asked himself

he looked at you one more time while he repeated that question simultaneously

"they're my friend."

he repeated that sentence several times, like if he was reassuring himself so he wouldn't forget that you were his friend.

he wrapped his arms around you while you slept, pulling you in a gentle hug

"thank you."

why was he thanking you? he felt like you were doing something important for him

but he couldn't remember what it was.

and that frustrated him, so he started sobbing uncontrollably

but he managed to calm himself down thanks to the relaxing sound of your heartbeat

he felt like he was dying slowly, but he didn't care about that

he had a friend who cared about him, and that's what matters to him.

✦ - STAGE SIX

ranboo was worse than ever, he forgot how to eat food properly and the basic movements of the mouth to do so

so you had to help him by gently moving his jaw up and down so he could munch the food

deep down his heart, he was thankful.

he didn't understand what was happening to him or who you were, but he knew that you were his friend.

he would randomly start crying, but it wasn't out of sadness

they were tears of joy

he was thankful that you were his friend

as no one else came to visit anymore

so he spend up his last years snuggling with you, always trying to remind himself that you were special.

and he loved you dearly, platonically speaking

✦ - STAGE SEVEN

ranboo couldn't even get out of bed as he forgot how to use his legs properly, not being able to walk

so you brought him food to his bedroom and started talking with him everyday and you didn't care anymore if he didn't answer you

you knew he wasn't able to speak anymore

you even stopped caring about your life, like work and friends

you wanted to spend every single minute with ranboo so he wouldn't be alone in his last days of life.

the days passed by slowly and one day everything ended abruptly.

ranboo forgot how to breathe, his body reacted roughly to the lack of oxygen and started moving his hand uncontrollably

you were beside him scared and paralyzed, watching how the life drained slowly from him

after what seemed to be like a few minutes, he stopped moving

he gasped loudly as he remembered everything; his name, his friends, his origins, his house, his cats, his crown, his husband, l'manberg, his memory book, you.

after that, he whispered his last words:

"(y/n)?"

and boom, he was gone.

gone from this world, forever.

you shaked him in horror, screaming his name multiple times as you cried.

your best friend was gone, and you couldn't do anything about it

so i guess this is it, huh?

✦ - AFTER RANBOO // BONUS

you hosted his funeral and everyone except dream was invited

everyone cried for him, they felt guilty as no one except you were there for him when he most needed it

tubbo was heartbroken, he was in denial and left the funeral early, probably gone to spend time with michael, his son

after that, everyone went home and you noticed that a strange book was lying in your house's entrance

you went to inspect what was it and noticed the book was dusty so you cleaned it to read what the title was

the title was 'DO NOT READ'', you recognized that book as ranboo's memory book

you gasped and stormed inside the house to read it

you sat on a couch and flipped the first page, reading carefully every single page and making sure you didn't skip anything

while you were reading, a small note was found in one of the pages and you started reading it, noticing that his handwriting was more messy than usual

it read: "Hello, if you're reading this then this is embarrassing. I wanted to write out my feelings in this small note because I was scared to talk out this with (Y/N). The thing is: I'm scared. I've been losing my memories and it's scary, I'm scared of forgetting who am I or who are my friends, I don't want to lose them. I know I promised Tubbo and Michael that I would protect them, but I'm not sure if I can keep that promise anymore. Tubbo if you're reading this, I'm sorry, for everything. Things seem to go downhill everytime I forget about things, even if they're just small things like forgetting where is my crown, and I'm scared that I will eventually forget who are my friends. I don't want to lose (Y/N), they're my best friend and I'm not ready to lose them yet. I know it sounds stupid but I just wanted to write about how I feel, goodbye forever Memory Book."

oh no, you were sobbing again.

"why didn't you tell me sooner, ranboo?"

"why?"

✧─── ･ ｡ﾟ★: *.✦ .* :★. ───✧

IT'S FINISHED, FINALLYYyyY Yy YY yes i love angst i love making people suffer

ANYWAYS thank you if you readed all of that shit, also big thanks to my friend moony for helping me with the grammar since i don't do english

moony if you're seeing this i love you /p

ANYWAYS THANK YOU ALL FOR THE SUPPORT!! I REALLY APPRECIATE IT!!!!!!

[chanfictions]

Go to someplace you enjoy. Take a long deep breath and say to yourself out loud. "I am only human" take just a moment to exist. Simply exist. I'm not saying this will heal your depression I'm not claiming this as a cure to anxiety, but understand, you are you in fact only human and there is only so much you can do to fight your own brain.

I genuinely hope I do not sound preachy, I just want you to give yourself some time to breathe and just...be.

Hey anon -- it doesn't sound preachy at all. I appreciate the message.

I wish I had more time to just breathe, but life and bills and dogs wait for no one. The issue with even taking this vacation is that all it did was delay and compound the heap of shit I've been struggling to deal with at work because I can't focus and fail to see the point in doing anything because the world is on fire and the country I live in seems like it's just going to implode. I struggle to take time outs like this in general because all it does is delay whatever impending disaster I feel is coming.

The world doesn't care that I can barely get out of bed most mornings. Companies don't care that my depression is kneecapping my ability to work. I can't even bring myself to metion it to them because I fear it will put a target on my back. Falling apart as an adult isn't the same as it is when you're in high school and college -- and I know, because I did that too. Many times. Concessions aren't made -- compromises on work and study don't exist. Delays aren't acceptable. There is only the death machine, hungry for workers. If I bow out to take care of me, all that's going to happen is that I'll lose my job and likely end up somewhere worse, and then we'll do this whole song and dance all over again, but I'll have a heap of debt to contend with on top of everything else.

The world I live in is cold and uncaring. There's a whole lot of "suck it up, buttercup" when you're grown, on your own, and struggling to exist in an environment not designed for malfunctioning brains. The social awkwardness of a shy, depressed teenager wasn't outgrown. In my case, it just grew into a bloated beast that has kept me from being able to do anything because I'm just fucking paralyzed. All. The fucking. Time. I'm drowning in doubt and self-loathing, but all I can do is stuff it and put on that fake fucking smile for Zoom meetings because I need this job.

I'm going to the doctor again to try yet another cocktail of shit to try to convince my brain to function normally, but I don't think that anything is going to work at this point. Maybe back to a shrink or a therapist, but I have doubts about that too. I can tell you everything that's wrong with me and exactly why I am the way I am. I don't need to pay someone $250 an hour to tell me that. I know what broke me on those levels. But my brain was defective straight out of the factory, which makes this all so goddamn complicated.

I do all of the things you're supposed to do to deal with depression on a physical level. Exercise, eating, sleeping right, mindfulness. It doesn't fucking help. Maybe because I do things to the extreme. I don't know. Being anxious, depressed, and struggling to contain the monster of an eating disorder that nearly killed me is a lot to deal with. Eating right makes that monster twitchy, as does exercise. Everything must be perfect. I must be perfect. Sleeping "right" makes the inky creature of gloom and despair slither out from under the bed and into my head to fill it with noise and visions of wooden dolls with straw hair and Glasgow smiles. I feel like I just can't fucking win.

Ugh.

Fuck, this turned into another word-vomitty rant. Sorry, folks. I'll be back to writing again and acting like an actual fanfiction blog soon. Almost done with the next prompt anyway.

[galvanizedfriend]

p. 1: OMG thank you so much for the update, it was exactly what I needed today! I enjoyed it so much (the story and the writing and maybe the emotional rollercoaster because I'm weird like that) but oh boy... When you warned us about character death and then Aiden died I wondered if I was somehow supposed to be more attached to him but it was only fair to have a major character or two fall victim to almighty aunt Dahlia. But I thought it would have been a Mikaelson, hoping that their deaths are

p. 2: less permanent. But my baby Caroline didn't deserve this! And my heart breaks for Klaus going through losing her for a second time. The first time already screwed him up quite a bit (understandably so) and I'm scared to see how he comes out of this. Dahlia sure as hell knows what she's doing. Please don't keep us waiting too long for the next update, if possible. I can't wait to see how you explain and link everything together and I also need the comfort that my KC babies will be okay.

p. 3: I mean you wouldn't just kill of Caroline for good, right (or Klaus)? I don't think I can handle that. But apart from being eager for an update, I really loved the chapter (with the disclaimer on Caroline of course!). I can see why it means so much to you and you certainly did not disappoint. I loved how Caroline joined the brothers for brunch and dropped kisses on them both. Giving Klaus of piece of her mind for excluding her yet again but also reminding him that she loves him. Ugh my KC

p .4: heart!!! And I also loved Caroline taking the lead on Eve's protection plan. She got Elijah to see reason but as per usual Klaus is a stubborn bastard. That's why it was so heart-breaking to see him push everyone away thinking only he could protect Caroline and Eve and then losing Caroline yet again. I'm still waiting to know more about his plan and see if he'd be able to see it through with Caroline gone. So many things coming together in this chapter, it was amazing. Thank you so much!

p. 5: Excuse all the rant and spam in your inbox but you're super great, it was a yet another wonderful chapter in such a beautifully written story and I just had to channel all those emotions somewhere. Thank you for all your time and effort and I can't wait to read the next chapter! Lots of love from a fellow Klaroliner <3

Hello, five parts anon! I know I said i’d be coming back to reply in a few days and now it’s two weeks later and I don’t know if you’re still there, but I’m finally here! lol 🧡🧡 I’ve updated the story, so I think it’s ok to have spoilers out. Anyone who would mind spoilers have already read it, I guess.

I’ll add a read more line here so this won’t be gigantic in people’s dashes. lol

First of all, thank you SO, SO much for this amazing message! 🧡 It’s super sweet of you and I’m so flattered you took your time to write a five parts ask! Wow! That’s just incredibly nice!

So. Caroline’s death. 😂 I had been kind of alluding to it for a while now. The way things had happened, how scared Klaus was, the way he’d been acting, it was kind of an indication that things would be heading that way. However, at the same time it proves he was right to be paranoid, his paranoia was exactly what provoked her death. It was what prompted Dahlia to figure out that Caroline was the piece that had to be removed from the playing field in order to tip the brothers the way she wanted them, the perfect way to break all of the alliances - between Mikaelsons and Crescents.

The reason why I decided to go there was because I didn’t buy anyone’s motivations at the end of S2. I think I’ve mentioned this here before. Klaus is crazy for no reason, Elijah turns on him out of nowhere because Hayley tells him to. Aiden was not that important to anyone (other than Josh) to become such an important tipping point. So everyone’s reasons were extremely weak, which meant I didn’t feel for any of them when all hell broke lose, just thought they were all dumbasses, and that Klaus went WAY too far with his revenge tour. So, in order to offer some more motivation, I made it so that Klaus had been slowly growing more and more paranoid since Caroline’s death. He made mistakes, trusted the wrong people, and that eventually led to her death. So this is why he refused to trust anyone here, including his siblings. Elijah turned on him, not because someone told him to. He did it because he believes Caroline’s death was retribution, because Klaus caused her to die. He’s angry af, so that’s why he does it. Because his brother became a liability and he was likely to get even worse after her death. And the reason why Klaus will - well... 

So everyone is where they needed to be at this point, but their motivations are different. And while Hayley simple walked out after Aiden and then decided she wasn’t going to come back because she didn’t want Klaus in Hope’s life, here Caroline never did that. But she was still incredibly hurt, mostly because she came to the conclusion that Klaus’ despair was paranoia was rooted in his feelings for her. 

ANYWAY. I’M SORRY. I digressed a little here. lol You know she’s going to come back. lol That’s not even a spoiler. There’s no way she’ll stay dead forever. BUT. Some stuff will happen. lol Thank you so much for your message, anon! Hope you can enjoy the next update! And feel free to come and rant any time! :)

🧡🧡

[the-awkward-outlaw]

Could you write a piece on Arthur admitting to reader he's ace (or demi sexual or w/e Ace variation you fancy)

Anon, I cannot tell you how excited I got when I got this request in! During my first couple of playthroughs, I thought Arthur was very possibly asexual or demi-sexual because of his lack of desire towards like the saloon girls or the women in camp. Even in his journal about him wanting to marry Abigail, he never mentions that it has anything to do with the bedroom, he talks more about her character. Sidenote, for everyone saying “yeah well what about Eliza?” Let me tell you, as an asexual myself (I’m sure all y’all who’ve read my smut are saying “yeah right”), asexuals are just as capable of sex as other people and if we care about a person enough, we can bury our own discomforts in regard to sex because we want to please our partners. Okay, rant over. 

Masterlist

Read on AO3

Arthur's nervous. His hands can't stop fiddling as he sits on your bed, somewhere dreading the moment you come out of the bathroom. He feels guilty, like he may have led you on to believe that he wanted to sleep with you tonight. He doesn't. 

It's not that he doesn't love you or think you're beautiful. He hasn't slept with many women before. Only 1 in fact, but it's not because he can't get any. It's because… He hangs his head in shame. Part of him has always felt like he was broken because he doesn't feel what others feel, particularly other men. 

He hadn't tried to lead you on, it truly was just foolish acting on his part. He's been trying to hide his sexuality from you in the beginning. He remembers how Mary reacted when he'd told her. She never treated him very well, but she'd been even worse after that, saying he wasn't much of a man at all because he just felt no desire to sleep with her. 

But you. You're so much better than Mary. Never once have you belittled him or made him feel more guilty about his past or about who he is as a person. He knew Mary for years and there were parts of him he never showed her. He's known you for only a few months and he feels like he can tell you anything. So why can't he be open about this? You deserve to know, after all.

The bathroom door opens and you step out in a simple but short nightgown. You didn't want to get in over your head with some incredibly sexy but incredibly uncomfortable lingerie. A smile spreads across your face as you look at him shyly. His smile seems odd, almost forced and it's like he forces his eyes to roam over your body.

"Hey handsome," you say and tiptoe into the bedroom, sitting next to him on the bed. He's sitting very stiff and he rolls his neck, showing how uncomfortable he is. What is wrong with him? Has he never slept with a woman before? You wonder if maybe he just needs someone to guide him, so you lean in and start kissing his neck, your hands clutching his shoulders.

Arthur really wishes you wouldn't do this. It feels wrong, completely wrong, and he hates himself for it. Why can't he make himself want to sleep with you? You're gorgeous and here you are throwing yourself at him. He decides to resolve himself to just getting it over with.

But then your hand glides down his body and you squeeze the soft bulge in his pants and he almost yelps, moving away.

"Arthur, what's wrong? Did I hurt you?" 

"No, no you didn't," he says, though he can't look at you, his cheeks pink. "I'm… I'm sorry, y/n, but I can't do this. I… I want to make you feel happy but I just can't…" 

He waits for you to get angry, to accuse him of leading you on and playing games. Instead, you straighten up, clasp your hands on your lap and look at him with a worried face. 

"Did I do something?" you say in a quiet voice.

"No. No no no, God no, darlin' you did nothing wrong," he says, feeling even worse. "I know it sounds cliche but believe me when I say that it's me. I… I don't know how to explain it." He puts his head in his hands and feels like disappearing. He waits again for you to be mad.

"Can you try to explain it?" you say softly. "Arthur, I'm… I want to know what you think." 

He looks at you sadly, and you can see in his eyes how much he wants to open up. Suddenly you get a nagging suspicion that he might be gay and is hiding it. It's happened to you before, which would explain his lack of excitement. You sigh, feeling hurt but not wanting him to feel worse. 

"Let me go put something on," you say and stand up, happy for the excuse to pull yourself back together. You love Arthur, more than you've loved any other man you've been with, and you want so badly to make love to him. But if he's gay, you certainly won't ask him to do it with you. Perhaps you need to help him come to terms with his own sexuality. 

After putting on your bathrobe over your nightgown, you sit down on the bed again, but you give him a few inches of space.

"Arthur, can we talk? I'm not mad, I promise, but I want to know what's going on inside your head." 

He sighs and nods. "Yes, I think you deserve that much, darlin'." 

He doesn't quite know what to say so he goes silent again, staring at his feet. You wait for him to speak, but he doesn't, so you decide to take the lead. 

"Arthur, do… do you feel that you are physically more attracted to men?" 

His head shoots up and he almost glares at you. "No, y/n, I ain't attracted to men. There ain’t nothin’ wrong with a man bein’ attracted to other men, but that ain’t me. I… I…” 

He puts his head in his hands. He knows what he is, he’s known for a while now, but he doubts you will understand. After all, why would you? Mary didn’t, so why would you? 

“What is it?” you ask softly. You hesitatingly slide your hand onto his thigh and take his hand, squeezing it a bit. You want him to feel like he can tell you anything on his mind. Your gesture comforts him. 

He sighs heavily and still won’t look at you. “Darlin’, you ever heard of an asexual?” 

“Um… I’ve heard of them in my botany class,” you say, “but I don’t think that’s what you’re talking about.” 

“No, it ain’t what I’m talkin’ about. I learned the term a few years ago when I was tryin’ to figure out why I can’t seem to experience the same thing as other people. I came across the term asexual and demi-sexual. Guess they’re on the same spectrum. I.... I think I’m on there.” 

He explains how he’s never felt sexual attraction towards anyone, how he’s only slept with one woman before (Eliza), but how she was sort of a rebound of Mary, the only woman he thought he loved. “I just didn’t want Eliza to hate me the way Mary did, so I slept with her. I had to force myself to do it though. Think she knew too, or maybe I was just awful in the sheets. She never asked me to do it again.” 

You squeeze his hand again. “So you just feel aren’t able to feel sexual arousal,” you say simply. 

“Guess… guess you can put it that way. I’m sorry, darlin’. I always knew I was messed up.” 

“Arthur, no. No no no, no you’re not messed up, please don’t say that. I may not understand what you mean by this, but… maybe we can explore it together. You know, sex isn’t the only part of a relationship. And I want you in my life even if that means I sacrifice the sex. I don’t wanna lose you, I love you too much.” 

“What?” he says quickly. 

You blink rapidly, your eyes watery. “I… I said I love you.” 

He smiles and squeezes your hand, then he pulls you in for a hug. “I love you too, sweetheart. But are you really willing to help me with this?” 

“Yes, Arthur. You deserve to know you’re not broken. I bet there’s hundreds of people who feel the same way as you.” 

Arthur can’t begin to describe the gratitude he feels towards you in this moment. He does know though that, whatever the future has in store, he’s going to spend a long time with you, possibly even his whole life. No one has ever been willing to help him learn about himself, they’ve always expected him to have his life together at this point. You, though, are different, and he loves that about you. 

Over the next few weeks, you and Arthur research his sexuality and not only does he come to terms with it, he begins to show pride in it. Pride that he’s not broken, that there’s nothing wrong with him. With his newly gained confidence, there comes a night when he initiates sex. This takes you by surprise and when you asked him if he was comfortable, he just grinned. 

“I may be asexual, but I think I may also be you-sexual,” he said before diving down between your legs to feast on you. 

[heyfromhell]

I'm proud of you for having dealt with such a difficult time. You're so strong, and I admire your tenacity regarding your recent thoughts. The world needs strong lovers. Yeah, things may not have worked out but I disagree with those that have told you that you will never love as deeply ever again. You can, and I'm sure you will.

- You're gorgeous, you're outgoing, and you should never be left behind, even if things didn't work out. To me, they can be forgiven for that, among other past issues, yes. But you deserve to be treated fairly and you deserve the have answers you seek. You aren't a ghost, and you're not invisible. You're you, a person. And as a person, you deserve to be loved and to find love. I'm sure you can't see anyone else right now, or you don't want to put in the effort again, only to be let down.

- I totally get it. I lost my love late 2016. I felt like I was ruined. I stopped eating. I lost 20 lbs in roughly a month. I lost my damn mind every day and every night. I tried to occupy myself with something all the time to keep my mind straight. My heart was always so tight and I had trouble breathing a lot. I had a fucking lump in my throat from stress alone. And I could go on and on about it.

- I want you to know that how you feel is okay. It's not easy. I know you just want to give up sometimes. I still do from time to time. I personally don't suffer from a clinical depression but I have terrible control over my anxiety at times. It's hard to explain. The point I want to get at --at 3:40 am -- just know that it's all going to be okay, and to keep living your life to the fullest. It's easy to dwell on the past, but just keep looking forward.

- Be proud of what you've accomplished! You've done so much! Things aren't always going to work out, and I know you know that. And mental health makes that reality so much more difficult. I get it. Always remember that you are strong, smart, beautiful, and capable of so much. Remember to take care of yourself. Remember that you aren't alone. Remember that it's okay to be in the dark. Remember that there will always be a light for you somewhere.

-----

I read these messages as I was getting ready to leave for a job interview, and I honestly had to save the rest for later because I started to get way too emotional. I am honestly so touched that you took the time to write all of this out. You fucking GET this pain, and I appreciate you reaching out and telling me of your own experience. This pain is something not tangible, but it has such a dominant presence. I could be watching a movie, or looking out of my window as the rain is coming down, and all my mind thinks of is, “Wow, I wish he were here/I wish I could tell him about this/I wish he could see what I’m seeing.” It’s like I still want to share all of the good moments with him. I long for that closeness. I didn’t really believe I could fall in love until I met him.. I always thought it was some far away fantasy that other people could experience, but not me. Because maybe I didn’t deserve it, or maybe there’d always be someone better than me. 

But when he came along, everything changed. But I have to stop myself in my tracks when I talk about him, because I reflect on the positive times, and ONLY those. Sometimes I have to take a step back and have a reality check because the good times honestly didn’t outweigh the bad ones towards the end. There was so much blame, so much controlling, so many accusations. The lack of trust was unbelievable. I loved him, trusted him with everything, but for me, I was apparently always scheming to do something behind his back. He had serious trust problems. I tried to work with him on them for some time, but once they began being targeted directly at me, I just took the blows as they came. Because I loved him, and I thought that was normal.

I didn’t realize what I was experiencing was manipulation/some extent of emotional abuse. I actually recently had a conversation with a close friend of mine about this, and she put into perspective what was happening.

What I felt for him was real. I fucking loved him with everything - in any way I knew how. I’m not a touchy/feely person, but god I would show him so much affection because I KNEW that was the way he felt most cared about. I stepped outside of so many of my comfort zones because I wanted him to know that I cared - that I loved him - that I’d never do anything to intentionally hurt him. I just wanted my freedom. But apparently my freedom was either me A) cheating B) talking to guys, or C) going behind his back and lying about what I had done. Which was seriously never the case. I told him everything, but of course, there was still something that I was hiding. There just had to be.

So he’d go through my phone. He’d interrogate me when I stepped out of his sight for five minutes. I remember once at the gym, I went downstairs to the ladies locker room. When I walked back upstairs, he asked me “what guy I had just been with.” He was dead set on making his biggest fear come true. Of course, it never did. But he did manage to push me very far away.

One of the final straws was when I decided I was going to do a nude photoshoot. He knew about my struggles with BDD and self image, and I tried explaining how much this meant to me. But because it was with a male photographer, I was obviously going to fuck him, because of course, it’s not a professional atmosphere. It’s not like we both take our roles seriously or anything like that. So, to prove to him that it was, in fact NOT like that, I told him he could absolutely come with me. I actually encouraged him to. It was a really, really big deal for me. But his final answer came down to this: If I went ahead and did the shoot, our relationship would be over. Not too long after that, he went back to Cali, blah blah blah, we broke up, and I never did the shoot.

BUT. The end of our relationship opened up a fucking wall of freedom for me. Everything I wanted to do but felt I wasn’t allowed/couldn’t do, I did. I applied for SuicideGirls. I dyed my hair. Got the tattoos I wanted. Started hanging out with friends again. Reconnected with my old guy friends who I was forced to stop talking to for so long. Literally my entire life bloomed once I realized how much I was being held back.

I could go on forever about this aspect - the aspect I tend to overlook the most. Because I loved him, I hazed over the red flags. I pretended as though they weren’t there. Of course I wasn’t perfect by any means, and I’m sure he’d have things to say about me as well. But once you realize that your SO is holding you back from living your life - from doing what YOU want to do with YOUR body - i.e. wearing winged eyeliner, wearing the clothes you want to wear, dying your hair, tattoos, piercings, taking photographs, etc. - from hanging out with your long-term friends because there “might” be guys there, and god forbid my eyes ever land upon another male, because that was the end of the fucking world - you start to realize that maybe things weren’t as peachy as you remembered them being. 

Sometimes my mind just completely blocks out all of the bad stuff that happened and puts a spotlight on the tender moments... the first time we said our ‘I love you’s’ to sharing milkshakes in Denny’s. Shit like that is what rips me up and spits me out. But I have to remind myself that he was toxic towards me... that yes, he may have loved me, but it wasn’t healthy. And I do deserve something healthy in the future.

When I went back to California about eight months ago to work things out with him, he made me believe we would be getting back together. We could get our own little apartment, I’d transfer my (then) job to out there, blah blah blah. Two days, two motherfucking days, before the end of my trip, he hung me out to dry. I gave him back the ring I wore on my finger during our entire relationship; his Irish wedding ring. When he dropped me off at the place I was staying, he drove away, and that was that. He texted me later that night to make sure I got in okay, and I quote him, told me to, “lose his number.” Which still feels like I’m being gutted every time I think about that because... how the hell do you say that to someone you cared about, or at least used to care about?

Anyways. Sorry for the massive rant, wah. I just needed to get that out. I needed to remind myself that what I’m missing were the early memories... not the nights where I’d wake up, alone, or the times where I was blamed and screamed at when I needed support and love. I just hope that he can get well, and that’s really fucking hard to say because I have such a resentment against him now, due to the fact that he never responded to me. Not a single word. But hey, maybe that’s a good thing. I’ve accepted that I won’t be hearing from him, and I’m dealing with it. 

Anyyywaaayyssssss, I really appreciate this message because you restored some of my hope in people again. I can’t put into words how grateful I am that you, whoever you are, messaged me. You reminded me that there are good people out there, and to be quite honest, part of me had forgotten that. I’m sending you so much love, so many hugs, and so many good thoughts. I hope your heart can fully heal, because you clearly are an amazing person and only deserve the most sincere, passionate love. 

Thank you again.. I could seriously say that a million times. Thank you. I was really fucking low, and you helped turn things around for me. You’re wonderful, and if you ever need anything at ALL, you know where to find me.