#sorry for ranting but i'm losing my mind and i need to write it somewhere 😭😭

[reijndeers]

i know that i can't watch a second division dutch team and hold them to the same expectations as one of the best teams in the prem but oh my god this is unwatchable at best.

we're 2-1 down in the 88th minute and you pass back?? you have a teammate in front of you completely free and you pass to the one marked by about 50 defenders?? it's like they deliberately lack any amount of foresight and it's so genuinely painful to watch. if janosek didn't exist we would be 19th because there is not a single other person who provides a semblance of attacking threat. our subs can barely make an impact because jp subs off our main creator, every other player is completely sluggish by the 70th minute and i just feel bad for the ones that actually try whatsoever. jp keeps repeating lineups and tactics that AREN'T WORKING. we're out of a playoff spot in one of the most important parts of the season. i can't think of 1 thing that's going right rn. i've never heard the b-side be this mad. we cannot go on like this man.

[starks-hero]

Okay you did not need to deliver such a fucking fantastic fic! Apologies for the entire ass rant I'm about to leave but you don't get to write something this good without some maniac of a fanfic reader squealing and flailing about it so...

Firstly, the title absolutely divine, but then I am a sucker for romantically poetic notions especially if there's a thread of angst in it

This is the first Thorin fic I've ever read, I'm not that big on Thorin (esp not when fili is right there👀 ) but *ahem that gif also your note of 'the intimacy of going insane with your crush' reeled me in, if that isn't the best genre ever! 🤣

You captured the eerie murkiness of Mirkwood so well and you really got Thorin's essence like nothing seemed out of place at all

THE DIALOGUE 👏👏👏 magnifique

'In the bogs of a cursed forest with your friends lost and your mind bewitched, all so that the king would keep looking at you as he was now'>>> I loved every word of this. You know that feeling when you haven't listened to ABBA in a while and then out of nowhere you hear it playing somewhere and there's a rising of joy in your soul and it feels like all the world has been righted. That is the feeling of that paragraph. Sorry but I love words and I love reading and you just killed it with that wording okay

🌌THE WHOLE INTERACTION WITH BOG CREATURE THORIN!!!! "I'm so glad, Amrâlimê, you must not look so surprised, my love" his thumb grazed your jaw, "that I should wish to call you such a name">>>cue me almost throwing my phone and screeching like the fell beasts of the Nazgûl🌌

Not to mention Thorin's interaction with the bog creatures! "Reader" being dismissive about the safety of the others and 'Thorin offering a baffled look that doubled as a warning'

Once again need I mention THE DIALOGUE IN THIS FIC! 💕

Question about the LOTR Dead Marshes, if you drown in there you become one of them, right? So if an siúlóir portaigh get you drowned do you become one of them?

In case you couldn't tell (lol) I'm seriously loving your own irish mythology infused into Tolkien's world

I feel like celtic/irish stuff and Gaelige fit quite well in Tolkien's creation. I dunno why but the Irish language feels at home in Tolkien's world to me, same with Scottish Gaelic

I have such little grasp of my own language it feels like old world/other worldly literary/mythical creation to me. Probably why it meshes so well with Middle Earth in my mind. Like it doesn't seem real to me but maybe that's cuz I'm from the North 🤣 (I will get my ass in gear and learn it better one day but laziness and annoyance win thus far)

Thorin staring off into nothing. Being brought back to reality by the sting of his wound. And then the first thing he does is worry/obsess over the illusion he saw. **weeping**fucking weeping* Your honor I need them to be together 😢 If you ever part 2 this pls tag me girl

P.s. I find it cruel that you aren't a published author. I need to read a whole book by you. Your writing style is sublime. It's just in that exact vein that is just so appealing to me. I'm not great at articulating myself so I'll just say this had me like 'ooh you bastid (affectionate).' YOUR. WRITING. SLAPS. If you ever publish your own book pls alert me cuz I will read it despite the possibility of it inducing cardiac arrest in me. Sorry books make me excited. From your mythology of the siúlóir portaigh and your general writing style I'm getting V.E. Schwab vibes but way way better

Imma shush now. Peace out ✌ God Bless 🕊 and Slán

Putting a read more option because I'm about to lose my mind :)

I want to start by saying that this is one of if not the kindest messages I've ever received, I mean wow. You completely moved me to tears. Watch me drive to the North right now just to give you a hug.

If it's okay I'm going to rant right back at you lol because there's so much things you mentioned that I want to discuss!

The title is actually based on a poem about sirens! I thought it fit the vibe of the fic really well.

Dialogue is something I've always struggled with. I could use a thousand words to describe a tree but I always get nervous when it comes to dialogue. I feel like when I write conversations they're always clunky so to get such positive feedback about that aspect of my writing is so lovely <3

GIRL YOU DID NOT JUST COMPARE MY WRITING TO ABBA! I needed to sit down reading this part. This is the greatest compliment I've ever received–

“If an siúlóir portaigh get you drowned do you become one of them?” when it comes to the siúlorí I haven't really fleshed them out enough (haha get it) to have any solid lore for them. So far all I have is that they roam bogs, marshes and wetlands and use a siren-like approach when hunting their prey. Wether they attack people to sustain themselves, to condemn their victim to the same faith as them or just out of maliciousness I haven't decided. It's completely up to interpretation :)

Bestie, don't get me started on how well the Irish language and Irish culture fits into the world of Tolkien. I could write essays. I think that's why I've always found middle earth so comforting, it's a fractured reflection of my own home.

As someone who's been out of school for a year and is still learning gaeilge, I promise we'll get there someday :)

Prior to my Thorin fic I hadn't written anything since October of last year due to writers block and self doubt. So to not only hear such lovely things about my writing but to also be compared to a published author– You have no idea how much it means to me. Thank you so much! You are every writer's dream.

Slán go foil, mo chara! Agus go raibh míle maith agat <3

[from-izzy]

hi izzy,

I hope you don't mind me doing this on anon but I just wanted to say in response to the two anons who seemed to have a problem with your work that there is absolutely nothing wrong in the nature of the topics that you're choosing to write about. You're neither approaching it insensitively nor are you forcing your content upon anyone and that's actually quite important because anyone who chooses to engage with it is therefore doing so of their own free will like those anons seem to have done.

You've even addressed the issue of content warnings too to make sure that people know what they'll be getting into so honestly, there's not much more you can do beyond that if they choose to continue reading. But you, having taken those actions, would already know that.

I've not read through all of your works (which is a damn shame) but even I have to acknowledge the importance of the topics that you address in your personal series. Not all fiction (fan made or not) exists to perpetuate typical notions of romance. And actually, it's so important to have media (whether it be in the form of books or whatnot) that addresses mental health and other such topics in order to circulate and normalise those discussions. It's so easy for people to say they advocate for mental health, etc. but when someone does something that could positively impact the field, they're quick to reject it because it's uncomfortable for them. Life isn't always comfortable for everyone and THAT'S the reality of it.

And the notes about how writing isn't meant to reflect reality, etc. is absolute nonsense. The whole point of writing is that authors put to paper the words they wish to read or the stories they want to share. It's not an exclusive field. And you're doing just that. Sure, your work may not give everyone the escape they want but you never claimed it did. Plus, not everyone engages in reading to escape. Some people read to be comforted, to relax, or simply because they want to. And your work is so important for the former.

Most importantly, it helped you! Writing is your outlet and no one should be allowed to take that from you simply because it doesn't meet their standards of what writing should or shouldn't be. It would be a shame for anyone to lose literary integrity simply because people don't understand how impactful your words can be to the people that read it and those that need it (and that includes yourself).

I really hope they don't discourage you from writing not now and not ever because honestly, from what I have read so far, it's important for you but also for others that you're able to put the work you want out there.

Anyways, I wish you all the best for the future and sorry for my messy rant!

hi anon 🥹 i'm sorry i'm responding this encouragement of yours pretty late 😭 i wanted to make sure i wrote a really nice reply back with all the points you made here, making sure that i convey my gratefulness to you for this 💝

i remember reading this for the first time and my first reaction was to panic first because well...as you mentioned in your ask, i haven't had the best times with anon asks 🥹 in saying that! anons like you and others have come to my inbox to send my encouragements and i'm really glad for you all 🫂

thank you for supporting in the topic that i write about, i really appreciate this ❤️‍🩹 mental health is still such an interesting topic when being talked about in public. in a closed off space, for example, between friends or between a professional, it just stays there but open the door just a little bit, and somewhere in the crowd, you'll see someone glaring at you for talking about it. i grew up knowing nothing about it and so moving to a culture where it's heavily emphasised is something that i'll always be thankful for. being able to talk about it has helped me so much and that's why i choose to write these and i don't see myself stopping to write about these. but of course, content warnings!! thank you for acknowledging that i'm doing all i can for this 🫂

i see the way topics of mental health have developed in my life and for me, it's touching that most people are now able to talk about it without being judged and i genuinely think it should be like that going forward. i do understand how these topics can be uncomfortable but that's why i think setting boundaries are key. for writing, i do this through warnings, for friendships and conversations, i ask about how in-depth i can talk about each topic.

concealing it, ignoring it and/or stopping to talk about these topics will only make it worse. and this goes with anything that should be talked about more.

when i first started writing, i knew that i wanted to talk about these kinds of things but i was too scared to jump into it straight away. that's why it was really hard for me to release cupid's mistake because the main idea of that story is a part of me that not even everyone in real life knows about me. it has always been a goal for me to connect with my readers a bit further by explaining the background of the story and how it relates to me. i think this step further is important for telling people that they're not alone if they're facing similar issues; because that's how the people around me has helped me in my mental health journey.

i thought about why i was scared at first but i decided to go for it and i told myself: if people judge me because of this, then they don't have to read it!! it's similar in real life where if people judge me over this, then they don't have to be around me or be my friend. it's as simple as that to me. i can see why readers who don't write think that stories could lean towards being written not based on reality but you're correct anon, it's not an exclusive field and everyone reads for different reasons 🥹🫂 just the same as how writers will write for different reasons. for me, it has always been to talk about these topics and provide comfort. but yes, not all my writings are centred around that because i still love other genres too!!

writing has helped me in ways that i never thought of and for me, it's a healthy hobby that i hope will continue to be 💜 i'm even thinking of taking a unit on creative writing next semester but we shall see about that!! 🥰 if i do, hopefully i can make the quality of my writing better!! 🫶

thank you so much for supporting my work, anon 💝 genuinely, this gave me so much comfort and it's not messy at all by the way! i think this response is messier 😭🤣😭 i have no idea who you are, if we're mutuals, or if we have ever interacted before but if someday you're ever ready to reveal yourself, i just want to give you the biggest hug but for now, here you go: 🫂🫂🫂🫂 thank you for making me feel welcomed and loved in this community 💕

all the best to you too!! have an awesome rest of the day/night!! ☀️🌙

[violetvettel]

I really really really feel like shit and idk what to do.

[batlingsstuff]

|| DREAM SMP HEADCANON|| Ranboo with Dementia

✧─── ･ ｡ﾟ★: *.✦ .* :★. ───✧

AYYY WHAT'S UP GUYS it's me :) i'm sorry this took so long to make, school is fxcking me over

okay okay now onto the headcanon

this will be pure angst, so be ready boys ;)

also, this is completely platonic.

insp: Everywhere at the End of Time - The Caretaker

TW/CW // anxiety, death, panic attacks, hallucinations, dementia

✧─── ･ ｡ﾟ★: *.✦ .* :★. ───✧

┌────── ⋆⋅✦⋅⋆ ──────┐

GENDER NEUTRAL

└────── ⋆⋅✦⋅⋆ ──────┘

✦ - STAGE ONE

at first everything was normal, you two were best friends and did basically everything together

he ocassionally forgot little things, like where he left his pickaxe and other stuff

it was harder for him to concentrate so you always were there for him to help him with everythimg, even just little things

and he appreciates it so much

then the behaviour changes, like suddenly getting more angry and/or impatient

and being more cheerful than usual

then the anxiety, he was always scared and one time he had a really bad panic attack

you were absolutely concerned about him and decided to take care of him

you never left his side

he always talked about how scared he was

and ranted for hours

until he forgot about his problems

✦ - STAGE TWO

everything stayed like that for two years, then he started forgetting major things, like people's names

one day you two went to visit your friend, jack manifold

he couldn't remember his name or who he was

you noticed there was something wrong with him, and decided to take him to several hospitals and clinics

after several check-ups you got the results

he was diagnosed with dementia

you cried for hours while he was sitting next to you patting your back, constantly asking why you were crying

he would ask the same question several times, making you cry harder

you moved in with him to make sure he was taking his meds

"why am i taking these, (y/n)?"

'for your own sake'

one day you took him to a walk around snowchester and he looked disorientated, not knowing what was that place

✦ - STAGE THREE

everything was worse, so much worse

he lost his memory book because he misplaced it somewhere, but you don't know where

he had trouble with speaking and stumbled with his words most of the time

tubbo, his platonical husband, came to visit every now and then to check up on ranboo

but ranboo forgot who was him

"your husband? haha oh no, i don't rem...ember getting engaged, i'm sorry."

"why are you crying?"

tubbo stopped visiting after that

he often had problem differentiating colours

one day he was so depressed that he couldn't get out of the bed for two days

after that, he seemed to have trouble recognizing you

'ranboo, it's me, your best friend (y/n)! don't you remember me ranboo? please remember.'

"i... don't know who you are... i'm sorry. i don't even r...ecall having a b-best friend."

you couldn't stop crying

your best friend was slowly losing his memories, and you couldn't do anything about it

i guess it's over, isn't it?

✦ - STAGE FOUR

his memory problems got so much worse, he forgot that water could actually damage him

he was curious about the rain, so he got out one day when it was raining and put out his hand to reach the droplets

he hissed in pain when the water damaged his skin and stormed back inside

hopefully you treated his wounds quickly and told him that it was better if he stayed in bed for now

while he was in bed and you were trying to get some rest besides him, he allucinated about a whole ass wave drowning him and he started to scream, like if he was in pain

you woke up due to the screaming and tried to calm him down, hugging him tightly and shushing him

he calmed down after a few minutes, sobbing loudly and returning the hug

he was scared, he didn't want to die

he couldn't talk at this point, every noise that came out of his mouth was incomprehensible, he was unable to communicate with others normally

you couldn't understand him, he couldn't understand you

your friendship was falling apart with the time

but afterall, you were there for him.

and that warmed his heart, even if he wasn't aware of that.

✦ - STAGE FIVE

he stayed up late multiple times, just watching you sleep or looking at the window, not able to think about anything

he felt like he was disconnecting from reality, like if his soul was slowly leaving his body

everything was foggy in his mind as he started to forget who was he, what was his name and occupation, who were his friends

who were his friends? is a question that he often asked himself

he looked at you one more time while he repeated that question simultaneously

"they're my friend."

he repeated that sentence several times, like if he was reassuring himself so he wouldn't forget that you were his friend.

he wrapped his arms around you while you slept, pulling you in a gentle hug

"thank you."

why was he thanking you? he felt like you were doing something important for him

but he couldn't remember what it was.

and that frustrated him, so he started sobbing uncontrollably

but he managed to calm himself down thanks to the relaxing sound of your heartbeat

he felt like he was dying slowly, but he didn't care about that

he had a friend who cared about him, and that's what matters to him.

✦ - STAGE SIX

ranboo was worse than ever, he forgot how to eat food properly and the basic movements of the mouth to do so

so you had to help him by gently moving his jaw up and down so he could munch the food

deep down his heart, he was thankful.

he didn't understand what was happening to him or who you were, but he knew that you were his friend.

he would randomly start crying, but it wasn't out of sadness

they were tears of joy

he was thankful that you were his friend

as no one else came to visit anymore

so he spend up his last years snuggling with you, always trying to remind himself that you were special.

and he loved you dearly, platonically speaking

✦ - STAGE SEVEN

ranboo couldn't even get out of bed as he forgot how to use his legs properly, not being able to walk

so you brought him food to his bedroom and started talking with him everyday and you didn't care anymore if he didn't answer you

you knew he wasn't able to speak anymore

you even stopped caring about your life, like work and friends

you wanted to spend every single minute with ranboo so he wouldn't be alone in his last days of life.

the days passed by slowly and one day everything ended abruptly.

ranboo forgot how to breathe, his body reacted roughly to the lack of oxygen and started moving his hand uncontrollably

you were beside him scared and paralyzed, watching how the life drained slowly from him

after what seemed to be like a few minutes, he stopped moving

he gasped loudly as he remembered everything; his name, his friends, his origins, his house, his cats, his crown, his husband, l'manberg, his memory book, you.

after that, he whispered his last words:

"(y/n)?"

and boom, he was gone.

gone from this world, forever.

you shaked him in horror, screaming his name multiple times as you cried.

your best friend was gone, and you couldn't do anything about it

so i guess this is it, huh?

✦ - AFTER RANBOO // BONUS

you hosted his funeral and everyone except dream was invited

everyone cried for him, they felt guilty as no one except you were there for him when he most needed it

tubbo was heartbroken, he was in denial and left the funeral early, probably gone to spend time with michael, his son

after that, everyone went home and you noticed that a strange book was lying in your house's entrance

you went to inspect what was it and noticed the book was dusty so you cleaned it to read what the title was

the title was 'DO NOT READ'', you recognized that book as ranboo's memory book

you gasped and stormed inside the house to read it

you sat on a couch and flipped the first page, reading carefully every single page and making sure you didn't skip anything

while you were reading, a small note was found in one of the pages and you started reading it, noticing that his handwriting was more messy than usual

it read: "Hello, if you're reading this then this is embarrassing. I wanted to write out my feelings in this small note because I was scared to talk out this with (Y/N). The thing is: I'm scared. I've been losing my memories and it's scary, I'm scared of forgetting who am I or who are my friends, I don't want to lose them. I know I promised Tubbo and Michael that I would protect them, but I'm not sure if I can keep that promise anymore. Tubbo if you're reading this, I'm sorry, for everything. Things seem to go downhill everytime I forget about things, even if they're just small things like forgetting where is my crown, and I'm scared that I will eventually forget who are my friends. I don't want to lose (Y/N), they're my best friend and I'm not ready to lose them yet. I know it sounds stupid but I just wanted to write about how I feel, goodbye forever Memory Book."

oh no, you were sobbing again.

"why didn't you tell me sooner, ranboo?"

"why?"

✧─── ･ ｡ﾟ★: *.✦ .* :★. ───✧

IT'S FINISHED, FINALLYYyyY Yy YY yes i love angst i love making people suffer

ANYWAYS thank you if you readed all of that shit, also big thanks to my friend moony for helping me with the grammar since i don't do english

moony if you're seeing this i love you /p

ANYWAYS THANK YOU ALL FOR THE SUPPORT!! I REALLY APPRECIATE IT!!!!!!

[chanfictions]

Go to someplace you enjoy. Take a long deep breath and say to yourself out loud. "I am only human" take just a moment to exist. Simply exist. I'm not saying this will heal your depression I'm not claiming this as a cure to anxiety, but understand, you are you in fact only human and there is only so much you can do to fight your own brain.

I genuinely hope I do not sound preachy, I just want you to give yourself some time to breathe and just...be.

Hey anon -- it doesn't sound preachy at all. I appreciate the message.

I wish I had more time to just breathe, but life and bills and dogs wait for no one. The issue with even taking this vacation is that all it did was delay and compound the heap of shit I've been struggling to deal with at work because I can't focus and fail to see the point in doing anything because the world is on fire and the country I live in seems like it's just going to implode. I struggle to take time outs like this in general because all it does is delay whatever impending disaster I feel is coming.

The world doesn't care that I can barely get out of bed most mornings. Companies don't care that my depression is kneecapping my ability to work. I can't even bring myself to metion it to them because I fear it will put a target on my back. Falling apart as an adult isn't the same as it is when you're in high school and college -- and I know, because I did that too. Many times. Concessions aren't made -- compromises on work and study don't exist. Delays aren't acceptable. There is only the death machine, hungry for workers. If I bow out to take care of me, all that's going to happen is that I'll lose my job and likely end up somewhere worse, and then we'll do this whole song and dance all over again, but I'll have a heap of debt to contend with on top of everything else.

The world I live in is cold and uncaring. There's a whole lot of "suck it up, buttercup" when you're grown, on your own, and struggling to exist in an environment not designed for malfunctioning brains. The social awkwardness of a shy, depressed teenager wasn't outgrown. In my case, it just grew into a bloated beast that has kept me from being able to do anything because I'm just fucking paralyzed. All. The fucking. Time. I'm drowning in doubt and self-loathing, but all I can do is stuff it and put on that fake fucking smile for Zoom meetings because I need this job.

I'm going to the doctor again to try yet another cocktail of shit to try to convince my brain to function normally, but I don't think that anything is going to work at this point. Maybe back to a shrink or a therapist, but I have doubts about that too. I can tell you everything that's wrong with me and exactly why I am the way I am. I don't need to pay someone $250 an hour to tell me that. I know what broke me on those levels. But my brain was defective straight out of the factory, which makes this all so goddamn complicated.

I do all of the things you're supposed to do to deal with depression on a physical level. Exercise, eating, sleeping right, mindfulness. It doesn't fucking help. Maybe because I do things to the extreme. I don't know. Being anxious, depressed, and struggling to contain the monster of an eating disorder that nearly killed me is a lot to deal with. Eating right makes that monster twitchy, as does exercise. Everything must be perfect. I must be perfect. Sleeping "right" makes the inky creature of gloom and despair slither out from under the bed and into my head to fill it with noise and visions of wooden dolls with straw hair and Glasgow smiles. I feel like I just can't fucking win.

Ugh.

Fuck, this turned into another word-vomitty rant. Sorry, folks. I'll be back to writing again and acting like an actual fanfiction blog soon. Almost done with the next prompt anyway.

[galvanizedfriend]

p. 1: OMG thank you so much for the update, it was exactly what I needed today! I enjoyed it so much (the story and the writing and maybe the emotional rollercoaster because I'm weird like that) but oh boy... When you warned us about character death and then Aiden died I wondered if I was somehow supposed to be more attached to him but it was only fair to have a major character or two fall victim to almighty aunt Dahlia. But I thought it would have been a Mikaelson, hoping that their deaths are

p. 2: less permanent. But my baby Caroline didn't deserve this! And my heart breaks for Klaus going through losing her for a second time. The first time already screwed him up quite a bit (understandably so) and I'm scared to see how he comes out of this. Dahlia sure as hell knows what she's doing. Please don't keep us waiting too long for the next update, if possible. I can't wait to see how you explain and link everything together and I also need the comfort that my KC babies will be okay.

p. 3: I mean you wouldn't just kill of Caroline for good, right (or Klaus)? I don't think I can handle that. But apart from being eager for an update, I really loved the chapter (with the disclaimer on Caroline of course!). I can see why it means so much to you and you certainly did not disappoint. I loved how Caroline joined the brothers for brunch and dropped kisses on them both. Giving Klaus of piece of her mind for excluding her yet again but also reminding him that she loves him. Ugh my KC

p .4: heart!!! And I also loved Caroline taking the lead on Eve's protection plan. She got Elijah to see reason but as per usual Klaus is a stubborn bastard. That's why it was so heart-breaking to see him push everyone away thinking only he could protect Caroline and Eve and then losing Caroline yet again. I'm still waiting to know more about his plan and see if he'd be able to see it through with Caroline gone. So many things coming together in this chapter, it was amazing. Thank you so much!

p. 5: Excuse all the rant and spam in your inbox but you're super great, it was a yet another wonderful chapter in such a beautifully written story and I just had to channel all those emotions somewhere. Thank you for all your time and effort and I can't wait to read the next chapter! Lots of love from a fellow Klaroliner <3

Hello, five parts anon! I know I said i’d be coming back to reply in a few days and now it’s two weeks later and I don’t know if you’re still there, but I’m finally here! lol 🧡🧡 I’ve updated the story, so I think it’s ok to have spoilers out. Anyone who would mind spoilers have already read it, I guess.

I’ll add a read more line here so this won’t be gigantic in people’s dashes. lol

First of all, thank you SO, SO much for this amazing message! 🧡 It’s super sweet of you and I’m so flattered you took your time to write a five parts ask! Wow! That’s just incredibly nice!

So. Caroline’s death. 😂 I had been kind of alluding to it for a while now. The way things had happened, how scared Klaus was, the way he’d been acting, it was kind of an indication that things would be heading that way. However, at the same time it proves he was right to be paranoid, his paranoia was exactly what provoked her death. It was what prompted Dahlia to figure out that Caroline was the piece that had to be removed from the playing field in order to tip the brothers the way she wanted them, the perfect way to break all of the alliances - between Mikaelsons and Crescents.

The reason why I decided to go there was because I didn’t buy anyone’s motivations at the end of S2. I think I’ve mentioned this here before. Klaus is crazy for no reason, Elijah turns on him out of nowhere because Hayley tells him to. Aiden was not that important to anyone (other than Josh) to become such an important tipping point. So everyone’s reasons were extremely weak, which meant I didn’t feel for any of them when all hell broke lose, just thought they were all dumbasses, and that Klaus went WAY too far with his revenge tour. So, in order to offer some more motivation, I made it so that Klaus had been slowly growing more and more paranoid since Caroline’s death. He made mistakes, trusted the wrong people, and that eventually led to her death. So this is why he refused to trust anyone here, including his siblings. Elijah turned on him, not because someone told him to. He did it because he believes Caroline’s death was retribution, because Klaus caused her to die. He’s angry af, so that’s why he does it. Because his brother became a liability and he was likely to get even worse after her death. And the reason why Klaus will - well... 

So everyone is where they needed to be at this point, but their motivations are different. And while Hayley simple walked out after Aiden and then decided she wasn’t going to come back because she didn’t want Klaus in Hope’s life, here Caroline never did that. But she was still incredibly hurt, mostly because she came to the conclusion that Klaus’ despair was paranoia was rooted in his feelings for her. 

ANYWAY. I’M SORRY. I digressed a little here. lol You know she’s going to come back. lol That’s not even a spoiler. There’s no way she’ll stay dead forever. BUT. Some stuff will happen. lol Thank you so much for your message, anon! Hope you can enjoy the next update! And feel free to come and rant any time! :)

🧡🧡

[heyfromhell]

I'm proud of you for having dealt with such a difficult time. You're so strong, and I admire your tenacity regarding your recent thoughts. The world needs strong lovers. Yeah, things may not have worked out but I disagree with those that have told you that you will never love as deeply ever again. You can, and I'm sure you will.

- You're gorgeous, you're outgoing, and you should never be left behind, even if things didn't work out. To me, they can be forgiven for that, among other past issues, yes. But you deserve to be treated fairly and you deserve the have answers you seek. You aren't a ghost, and you're not invisible. You're you, a person. And as a person, you deserve to be loved and to find love. I'm sure you can't see anyone else right now, or you don't want to put in the effort again, only to be let down.

- I totally get it. I lost my love late 2016. I felt like I was ruined. I stopped eating. I lost 20 lbs in roughly a month. I lost my damn mind every day and every night. I tried to occupy myself with something all the time to keep my mind straight. My heart was always so tight and I had trouble breathing a lot. I had a fucking lump in my throat from stress alone. And I could go on and on about it.

- I want you to know that how you feel is okay. It's not easy. I know you just want to give up sometimes. I still do from time to time. I personally don't suffer from a clinical depression but I have terrible control over my anxiety at times. It's hard to explain. The point I want to get at --at 3:40 am -- just know that it's all going to be okay, and to keep living your life to the fullest. It's easy to dwell on the past, but just keep looking forward.

- Be proud of what you've accomplished! You've done so much! Things aren't always going to work out, and I know you know that. And mental health makes that reality so much more difficult. I get it. Always remember that you are strong, smart, beautiful, and capable of so much. Remember to take care of yourself. Remember that you aren't alone. Remember that it's okay to be in the dark. Remember that there will always be a light for you somewhere.

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I read these messages as I was getting ready to leave for a job interview, and I honestly had to save the rest for later because I started to get way too emotional. I am honestly so touched that you took the time to write all of this out. You fucking GET this pain, and I appreciate you reaching out and telling me of your own experience. This pain is something not tangible, but it has such a dominant presence. I could be watching a movie, or looking out of my window as the rain is coming down, and all my mind thinks of is, “Wow, I wish he were here/I wish I could tell him about this/I wish he could see what I’m seeing.” It’s like I still want to share all of the good moments with him. I long for that closeness. I didn’t really believe I could fall in love until I met him.. I always thought it was some far away fantasy that other people could experience, but not me. Because maybe I didn’t deserve it, or maybe there’d always be someone better than me. 

But when he came along, everything changed. But I have to stop myself in my tracks when I talk about him, because I reflect on the positive times, and ONLY those. Sometimes I have to take a step back and have a reality check because the good times honestly didn’t outweigh the bad ones towards the end. There was so much blame, so much controlling, so many accusations. The lack of trust was unbelievable. I loved him, trusted him with everything, but for me, I was apparently always scheming to do something behind his back. He had serious trust problems. I tried to work with him on them for some time, but once they began being targeted directly at me, I just took the blows as they came. Because I loved him, and I thought that was normal.

I didn’t realize what I was experiencing was manipulation/some extent of emotional abuse. I actually recently had a conversation with a close friend of mine about this, and she put into perspective what was happening.

What I felt for him was real. I fucking loved him with everything - in any way I knew how. I’m not a touchy/feely person, but god I would show him so much affection because I KNEW that was the way he felt most cared about. I stepped outside of so many of my comfort zones because I wanted him to know that I cared - that I loved him - that I’d never do anything to intentionally hurt him. I just wanted my freedom. But apparently my freedom was either me A) cheating B) talking to guys, or C) going behind his back and lying about what I had done. Which was seriously never the case. I told him everything, but of course, there was still something that I was hiding. There just had to be.

So he’d go through my phone. He’d interrogate me when I stepped out of his sight for five minutes. I remember once at the gym, I went downstairs to the ladies locker room. When I walked back upstairs, he asked me “what guy I had just been with.” He was dead set on making his biggest fear come true. Of course, it never did. But he did manage to push me very far away.

One of the final straws was when I decided I was going to do a nude photoshoot. He knew about my struggles with BDD and self image, and I tried explaining how much this meant to me. But because it was with a male photographer, I was obviously going to fuck him, because of course, it’s not a professional atmosphere. It’s not like we both take our roles seriously or anything like that. So, to prove to him that it was, in fact NOT like that, I told him he could absolutely come with me. I actually encouraged him to. It was a really, really big deal for me. But his final answer came down to this: If I went ahead and did the shoot, our relationship would be over. Not too long after that, he went back to Cali, blah blah blah, we broke up, and I never did the shoot.

BUT. The end of our relationship opened up a fucking wall of freedom for me. Everything I wanted to do but felt I wasn’t allowed/couldn’t do, I did. I applied for SuicideGirls. I dyed my hair. Got the tattoos I wanted. Started hanging out with friends again. Reconnected with my old guy friends who I was forced to stop talking to for so long. Literally my entire life bloomed once I realized how much I was being held back.

I could go on forever about this aspect - the aspect I tend to overlook the most. Because I loved him, I hazed over the red flags. I pretended as though they weren’t there. Of course I wasn’t perfect by any means, and I’m sure he’d have things to say about me as well. But once you realize that your SO is holding you back from living your life - from doing what YOU want to do with YOUR body - i.e. wearing winged eyeliner, wearing the clothes you want to wear, dying your hair, tattoos, piercings, taking photographs, etc. - from hanging out with your long-term friends because there “might” be guys there, and god forbid my eyes ever land upon another male, because that was the end of the fucking world - you start to realize that maybe things weren’t as peachy as you remembered them being. 

Sometimes my mind just completely blocks out all of the bad stuff that happened and puts a spotlight on the tender moments... the first time we said our ‘I love you’s’ to sharing milkshakes in Denny’s. Shit like that is what rips me up and spits me out. But I have to remind myself that he was toxic towards me... that yes, he may have loved me, but it wasn’t healthy. And I do deserve something healthy in the future.

When I went back to California about eight months ago to work things out with him, he made me believe we would be getting back together. We could get our own little apartment, I’d transfer my (then) job to out there, blah blah blah. Two days, two motherfucking days, before the end of my trip, he hung me out to dry. I gave him back the ring I wore on my finger during our entire relationship; his Irish wedding ring. When he dropped me off at the place I was staying, he drove away, and that was that. He texted me later that night to make sure I got in okay, and I quote him, told me to, “lose his number.” Which still feels like I’m being gutted every time I think about that because... how the hell do you say that to someone you cared about, or at least used to care about?

Anyways. Sorry for the massive rant, wah. I just needed to get that out. I needed to remind myself that what I’m missing were the early memories... not the nights where I’d wake up, alone, or the times where I was blamed and screamed at when I needed support and love. I just hope that he can get well, and that’s really fucking hard to say because I have such a resentment against him now, due to the fact that he never responded to me. Not a single word. But hey, maybe that’s a good thing. I’ve accepted that I won’t be hearing from him, and I’m dealing with it. 

Anyyywaaayyssssss, I really appreciate this message because you restored some of my hope in people again. I can’t put into words how grateful I am that you, whoever you are, messaged me. You reminded me that there are good people out there, and to be quite honest, part of me had forgotten that. I’m sending you so much love, so many hugs, and so many good thoughts. I hope your heart can fully heal, because you clearly are an amazing person and only deserve the most sincere, passionate love. 

Thank you again.. I could seriously say that a million times. Thank you. I was really fucking low, and you helped turn things around for me. You’re wonderful, and if you ever need anything at ALL, you know where to find me.