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positive-mental-axolotl · 3 months ago

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!!!COMMISSIONS OPEN!!!

I am an LGBT neurodivergent artist looking to do commissions! I am in a serious financial pickle and trying to escape an abusive situation currently and need to start making funds asap. I also work with tradition pencil art so if you are more interested in that, then check out my portfolio! If you cannot order a commision, then please do share this post!

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~Prices~ Icon: 5$ Headshot: 10$ Fullbody: 15$ Fullbody 32px Sprite: 5$ Simple Background: +5$ Extra Character: 1/2 the price from above (Max of 3 total characters. Largest price will be full while any smaller prices will get halved.)

Example: If you order a reference sheet of a fullbody and 2 faceshots with no background, your total price will be $25. The fullbody is $15, and the headshots, which will be your extras, will be $5 each in this circumstance, making the price $25.

These prices may be changed in the future. These prices are test prices meant as a way to gauge audience, supply and demand. If you order a commission and then I change the price, the original price will be applied unless you order something else.

:::WILL do::: OCs Fanart Emotes Icons Profile pictures Character, Expression or reference sheets Concept Art Sprites Vtuber Art (NOT RIGGING) Light gore (blood, scratches, bruises)

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Half of your payment will be made before I begin on your commission. This payment will be fully refundable up until notified that I have started on your commission. Once I have started on your commission, no refund will be available. If you notice any mistakes with your art that you would like fixed, you may contact me to fix it at no extra cost. This does not apply to adding new things, things not clarified when making your commission, or mistakes on your part.

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juanabaloo · 3 years ago

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Exhibit C - Your honor they love each other! 3.05 (fuffy)

This is a pro-fuffy BTVS rewatch. (Happy Pride Month!) Exhibit C is S03E05, aka 3x05, aka 3.05 Homecoming. Long post.

1. Apparently Scott has not invited Buffy to the Homecoming dance despite their dating. WTF? He apparently didn’t feel comfortable expressing his interest in going, and claims he thought she would think it was corny. This is very strange. Anyway, they establish they will go and kiss. It’s borderline PG kissing y’all. *snort*

2. Buffy explains to Angel that things are different now. “And I'm involved with someone.” Wait, does this mean she realizes her budding non-straight feelings for Faith? *eh-eh buzzer* I’m sorry but no. Instead she proclaims her something for Scott: “His name is Scott. He's a nice, solid guy. He makes me happy...” A nice solid guy? OK, still a better comment on your SUPPOSED love interest than calling them a doofus (Riley in future S04), but a “nice, solid guy”? This is how you describe a good mechanic or plumber or weed guy, not your boo.

3. The show directly cuts to Scott breaking up with her. This made me cackle with glee. He says it’s because she is distracted all the time. Buffy was not expecting this, but admits that it’s true. Honestly I wish Scott had held on for one more episode. Imagine an AU where the vibe is more comedy. I swear we could have gotten a scene like this:

(inspo here) Imagine Buffy (Ilana) is talking to Scott (ooooh or Angel!) but then Faith (Abbi) needs to talk to her. (Yeah I know Abbi and Ilana are a platonic friendship but still.)

4a. Buffy is missing headshots for the yearbook, but Cordelia says she’ll go tell her. What is she doing instead of having her photo taken? She is training with Faith in the library. No that’s not a euphemism. This is the ONLY scene in this episode where they talk to each other. (This episode and specifically this scene is the creation of Fuffy for me. It’s seared into my brain, and yet - y’all it is literally less than a minute!) OK, so let's break it down... Buffy has an edge post-Scott-breakup, which Faith appreciates.

Faith-thee-slayer translates this excellently: “you’re hot when you’re angry. i’m angry all the time and seeing it in you validates my belief that we are the same person. i don’t want to hear about your boyfriends. you being single means more time with me.”

4b. Done with training, Buffy puts on a hoodie and Faith encourages her to move on. Buffy is now single and Faith decides to ask Buffy to go to the dance together. She’s shooting her shot y’all!! (haydenpanettieres has the build up to this moment.)

Spoiler alert: they are literally flirting! (summrsbuffy has photos of this) OK, here's the dialogue with my translation in italicized brackets. Faith starts:

You move on, and you party heavily, and you’ll be fine. I mean, you’re still going to that dance right?

Maybe (Buffy drinks her juice)

You got the tickets already. Why don’t we go together?

(Buffy puts the bottle down) I don't know about that. (she smiles)

[Buffyspeak translation: Whoa, that seems a little gay and I’m not gay. But uhm… say more.]

Come on. We’ll find a coupla studs, we’ll use ‘em and discard ‘em. (points at Buffy) That’s always fun. (drinks her own bottle of juice)

[Faithspeak translation: Uhm…. Nope not gay at all. What if we find some boy toys. That would make it less gay right? (points) You know you’ll have fun with me. (let me mirror you drinking your juice, see I’m just like you, nothing to worry about!)]

OK, I’m in. Not the stud-using part, though. (she raises her eyebrows) Or, probably not. (she smiles)

[Buffyspeak translation: OK, you made it less gay enough. We’ll just flirt with boys. How's my flirting BTW?]

Scene summary: When Buffy seems initially unsure about going to Homecoming with Faith, Faith re-centers men into the scenario. ("it's totally hetero dude") This gives Buffy the space to agree. And Buffy flirts back at Faith.

4c. OK, one other comment on this scene. There’s something going on with the framing right? The way Cordelia is watching them for a second before entering the library, but then she gets distracted and never goes in. She watches through the round window. Herinsectreflections lays it out for us. (technically aryaspork sets it up and herinsectreflections spikes it for the win here.) Gah!!

5. Buffy has one more interaction with Scott about her running for homecoming queen. She says that it’s just something to pass the time. Hmmmm, feels like this could be her commentary on dating him.

6. Bonus song thoughts: Background song during this Scott scene is also not-coincidental. (Fire Escape by Fastball): “I may not be the man you want me to be” = Scott can’t be her normal boring human boyfriend / can't be a good beard. “I can be myself” = Scott will be honest with himself. “How bout you?” = can Buffy be herself? Will Buffy realize her feelings for Faith? OK that last one could be a stretch.

7. Buffy walks to the limo, thinking that Faith is already inside, and no one else. Buffy is smiling so hard. Could this be a moment where she is happy to be going to the dance and perhaps going to be named Queen? Sure. But perhaps she is looking forward to seeing Faith. This is reinforced when she sees Cordelia instead and is disappointed. “What’s going on? Where’s Faith?” She doesn’t say “why are you here?” (emphasis on not liking Cordelia, since they are fighting). She says “Where’s Faith?” (where’s my da… I mean my gaaaaal pal)

8. Faith is shown at the dance with Willow and Oz, but they are total downers. She notices Scott with a girl and calls him a sleazebag. She’s wearing a formal dress and looks so different in formal wear than her regular wear. How we choose to present ourselves (body language, clothing, makeup) is important. Faith chooses her outfits and makeup and it’s a bit of battle armor for her. Part of her carefully put-together charming confident girl face. (I think her 3.03 Bronze pants are actually OOC, but we can talk more later about outfits.) She’s without some of her battle armor and perhaps that increases her insecurity?

9. Now Faith finds Scott and pretends to be a girl he dated, with some made up story about STD symptoms. I get the impulse to trash Scott in front of his new girl, but this is EXTREME. (Buffy didn’t ask her to do this, we don’t even see Buffy venting to Faith about getting dumped.) OK, bizarre-ness aside, check how Faith makes sure Scott’s date doesn’t miss what’s happening. The little shoulder tap - smile - “hi.”

This is brilliant - in its own twisted way. I can’t help but think this is motivated by Faith’s frustration that Buffy still hasn’t shown up. (elizadusku-archive has a good gifset) But the real question is, does Faith recognize her feelings for Buffy? Does she understand she like-likes Buffy? I would buy any of these arguments: that (A ) Faith doesn’t process her emotions well in general and is overly impulsive and takes it out on Scott. OR that (B ) Faith is still figuring out that she likes Buffy (and/or girls in general) and that frustration leads to this scene. People do strange things when the queer-ness leaks out of their overly stuffed brain. OR that (C ) Faith knows that she like-likes Buffy, is jealous of Scott for what he had, and angry at him for hurting Buffy, and so deliberately lashes out at him. My money is on C.

10. Faith has no more lines. Buffy and Cordelia return to Homecoming. But even formal-wear-Faith with no lines is a point in favor of Fuffy. She stayed! (blink and you’ll miss it tho) The entire dance, and she stayed. She invited Buffy to go to the dance with her, got a dress, did her hair up, hung out with Buffy’s joyless friends, had her scene with Scott, and she kept staying even after that! We don't see Faith scoping out any studs or anyone at all. She wanted to see her date / friend and maybe cheer on her win. Sadly we don't see Buffy talk to her once she arrives. (I like to think they caught up off-screen but that is inadmissible to the court since our exhibits are limited to the video on record.)

Imagine we had gotten to see the two of them at the Homecoming dance hanging out! *sigh* Also I just have to say, who drinks orange juice after they work out?? They are clearly meant for each other, haha.

Summary: They love each other rating: 2 out of 5. Some will see this as “just going to the dance with my gal pal.” I think Buffy’s actions (in reaction to the invite) and Faith’s actions (to Scott) show there is something more than just pure hetero-ness. It’s in the early stages your honor, but they love each other! Faith is definitely interested in Buffy as more than friends. After Scott dumps Buffy, Faith made her move. (Go Faith! Shooting your shot!) And Buffy accepted Faith’s invite to go to the dance together.

Look at Buffy as she accepts Faith's invite!

Exhibit C has been submitted, the prosecution rests for the day.

#buffy rewatch #fuffy #buffy x faith #your honor they love each other #btvs 3x05 #exhibit C your honor #btvs #buffy the vampire slayer #faith lehane #buffy summers #s03e05 #3x05 #3.05 #ep: homecoming #homecoming #long post #chosen two #btvs 3.05 homecoming #your honor series

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livexdolan · 4 years ago

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A/n: Tumblr accidentally posted this when I went to save it. In conclusion: I hate Tumblr. Here’s your concept boo sorry about the confusion :))

“Honey, I’m home!” You call out into the house, jokingly.

Shutting the door behind you, you immediately hear the loud sounds of people in the den. Smiling, you set your bag on the table and walk to the open doorway. Grayson, Ethan, Kris, and Larri are all sprawled on the couch, playing the game you recognize as Call of Duty. Grayson’s sitting at the edge of his cushion, obviously too into the game to realize you are watching him. Larri and Ethan are not as into the game and when Kris smiles at you from her spot next to Ethan and says, “Y/n! You made it!” The two give you a smile.

“Larri! You’re supposed to be covering my 2! Bro!” Grayson groans and you laugh, finally catching his attention. Grayson glances over to the doorway, his ears perking up under his headset at the sound of your giggle. You look like an angel to him, leaning against the doorway in jean shorts and a cropped tank top. The light from the windows and lights outlining your body beautifully.

Of course, you’re just his friend, so he can’t tell you that but he wants to. Meeting Grayson and Ethan through Kristina, you never expected to fall for the younger, loud, and boisterous twin, and yet, here you are, “Y/n! Hey,” Grayson tries to sound casual but you smile at the pitch in his voice.

You know Grayson likes you, it’s pretty obvious. At first, you found it sweet and kind of funny but now that you like him back- every time you’re around him you blush more and laugh more and it’s just- more. All of your friends know you like each other but you can’t help but feel slightly insecure- being two years older than Grayson is not your ideal scenario. You’re also nowhere near as skinny or toned as the other girls Grayson has dated. Being 5’8 and a little bit curvier than most girls in LA- you’re used to being kind of- pushed aside.

However, when you’re with Grayson, you feel like you can take on the world. You're forceful front, with Grayson by your side, you are unstoppable. Grayson, Kristina, and Ethan were the reason you finally went for your dream of opening your own small business online. Grayson even stayed up with you way too late many nights helping with your website, buying products in bulk and getting the best prices, even making you cup after cup of coffee so you wouldn’t fall asleep. Some nights, he would even carry you to his room, tucking you into the warm comforter after he found you passed out at the island counter.

A few months later, you had gained thousands of followers, were working on multiple collabs with different influencers (including Wakeheart), and being able to afford to rent your own apartment, getting out of your three-bedroom apartment with four other people. You owed everything to the twins and your best friend.

“Come sit next to me, yeah?” Grayson’s voice broke you from your memories and you nod, going to sit next to him on the floral couch, “You know how to play?” You shake your head, looking up at him, biting your lip.

“No, I was never really interested in video games,” You reply and he smiles, knowing you're more of a go skateboarding and surfing kind of girl.

“Well, today’s your lucky day. I’m gonna teach you how to play,” He smirks down at you, the butterflies in your stomach wake up, swarming around your belly.

“Grayson! With your rat-ass lookin’ self! We’re losing lover boy!” Larri’s shriek pulls the two of you out of your little staring contest and you both blush.

“Sorry, sorry,” Grayson mumbles, moving his fingers nimbly on the controller, “Come here, Y/n//n, sit between my legs so I can show you what I’m doing,” He doesn’t even look back at you from the screen.

You’re sure your entire face is the color of a tomato as he lifts his arms up, saying something to Ethan about checking out a house for weapons. You hesitantly slide between his legs, his legs widen further so you nestled against him. Bringing his arms back down, they’re now wrapped around you, the controller almost sitting in your lap. Your heart is racing so fast you can barely breathe, all you can see hear, feel, is Grayson. His warmth, his scent, his arms around you, his thighs on either side of yours, his breath behind your ear, and his chest pressed against your back.

He leans into you slightly, making you sit up straighter, “Relax,” his voice whispers into your ear, causing goosebumps and a chill down your spine.

Your body follows his command without you even realizing it, and you’re now pressed fully against him. You can feel his heart beating steadily against you and it bothers you that he can be so calm at this moment. He grabs your hands and shows you how to hold the controller, showing you what each button and knob does as the two of you watch the screen. It takes you a while to understand, seeing as you’re more interested in the feel of being cuddled up to him, but slowly-but-surely, you get it. By the time you start to really get into it, Larri has already left, and Ethan and Kris called it a night, leaving the two of you alone.

To your dismay, Grayson pulls his hands away, but your disappointment is replaced with a rush of blood going through you, as his hands land on your hips and squeeze slightly, “Try it on your own. You’re doing great,” he says, encouragingly.

Knowing he wouldn’t let you do it on your own if he didn’t truly believe you could you straighten up a little, cracking your knuckles before grabbing the controller. Grayson’s chuckle rumbles against your back. You elbow him jokingly, "Shut up."

You end up getting killed in about 20 minutes- but they were the most exciting 20 minutes of your life. You weren't even upset about losing, instead, turning to cheer with Grayson you give him a wide smile. His heart skips a beat, "Did you see that? I got not one-" you hold up your index finger, "not two," you put up your middle finger, "but three!" your ring finger goes up next, "Three headshots! I am amazing! Woo!" Grayson laughs, his whole body vibrating with excitement from your excitement.

That's when you both realize how close you are to each other. Your smiles falter slightly as the adrenaline rush you're on starts to fade. You notice the circles under his eye and can't help but feel bad about keeping him past his bedtime. Before you know what you're doing, you reach a hand up, brushing off an eyelash on his cheek. Grayson watches you carefully, praying to whoever's listening that he doesn't do anything stupid like sneeze or burp. You smile at him and his heart melts at the way your face glowing in the dim lights.

"Hey, Gray?" You whisper, afraid if you talk any louder you will burst the bubble that surrounds the two of you.

He smiles cutely, "Hey y/n/n?"

"I really like playing video games."

Grayson stares at you for a second, before bursting with laughter. You pull back, eyebrows high on your face, "What? What's so funny?" You pout, thinking he's laughing at you.

He sobers at the look on your face and sighs, "You're too cute. oh my God, I thought you were going to say something super serious. Jesus." He tucks a hair behind your ear, the grin never leaving his face.

Before you can say anything, your phone goes off. You scramble off him to get the phone. Your friend's name flashes on the screen and you text her that you'll call her later. You see how late it is and turn back to Grayson with a guilty look, "It's a lot later than I realized."

Grayson tries (and fails) to cover how disappointed he was, "Oh. You need to get home?"

"No, I was actually gonna ask if I could stay the night?" His heart stops for a moment, thinking you meant to stay with him but you, painfully, fix your mistake, "I mean like- in the guest bedroom, obviously," you laugh nervously and he does too.

The two of you part quickly after that, going to your respective bedrooms to calm down. As Grayson stares at the ceiling above his bed, he swears that tomorrow he's going to do everything in his power to get you in his bed.

A/n: I really went off-script with this- I'm sorry. I'd love to do a little continuation of the next day but I felt this was way too long. Sorry about all the technical issues too :)

#grayson dolan #dolan twins #ethan dolan #ethan dolan imagine #ethan dolan smut #grayson #ethan #grayson dolan imagine #grayson dolan smut #grayson concept #my writing #concept #ask #anon

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aphee-sheiz · 4 years ago

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hi im just new to your blog ^^. do you read fics? if ever, what fics that made you cry or sad? thanks.

Eeeeek welcome!!!

I do read fics, but for I'm relatively new to the fandom and don't do it that often, please don't expect much hehe. I cry pretty rarely, so no fic has made me cry yet. Sad though? Oh yeah. Thanks so much for this ask! I know I've taken my sweet time to answer, got carried away and wrote a lot, hope you don't mind!

Some clarifications/explanations before I get to the point - 1)I have a memory of a goldfish so I have probably forgotten 2/3 of the fics that made me feel pain 2) Many sad fics actually gave me consolation, kinda, so although they're no wholesome highschool!au coffee shop fluff, I won't be listing them here. Let's say, "sad smile" fics don't make it into the list, while "excruciating pain" fics do. 3) We're talking levihan fics, right? I mean. Just in case. 4) I state my opinions as if I knew what the author had in mind while writing the fic. I obviously don't, everything below is my subjective view. Anyways, The ratio of @tundrainafrica's fics in this... I love Sav's angst, can never grow tired of it ~

I suggest we start with a headshot. The Breeze from an Airplane by @halcyonstorm aka Simone You know how those post-132 fics are. Hange is remembered. Hange is spoken of. Levi will meet her in the afterlife, that we know - and so does he. Maybe he visits her grave and talks to her, and even if the author doesn't tell us that directly, we know she hears him. In other words, Hange is... alive. In The Breeze from an Airplane, Levi, too, speaks to Hange in his mind. The reader is even offered the idea that Hange is somewhere out there, because Levi "felt a gentle breeze pass by him, caressing his face" and instantly thought it was Hange. But Simone made sure we learned damn well Hange is no more. She uses everything to demonstrate that. Colors are dull, dialogues are awkward, weather is gloomy, and Hange is a body. And you can't miss the fact that she is. Not after reading about the words unspoken, the dreams unfulfilled can we believe that our beloved Commander is "there". I like the very beginning for its effect on the reader, too. It feels uneasy on some deeper level. We casually get a description of Levi's domestic life, and how inconvenient it is that he received the news over his tea. It's not Levi's thoughts, we know that. It's there to unsettle us right from the start, prepare our minds for the rest of the story. Also, Hange speaks. Kind of. "And I pray That never used to happen before" (c) ~

You can take Hange's life, but you can't take her spirits away. She will always be the cheerful mad scientist that runs crazy experiments and sets her lab on fire. Don't want her to? Cry harder. Unless you're Sav the Angst Queen ForeststeppeinAmerica of course. Then the stage is all yours. You can make it run like clockwork. Clockwork by @tundrainafrica aka Sav Hange is selfless. Everyone knows that. Also, with Eren going nuts, the world is turning upside down, and it's not the best time to be weighed with such a huge responsibility as being the commander of the Surver Corps. Yet here our Hange is, burdened with something she never asked for. Using these well-known facts about the character, Sav explores her state of mind further, and it seems almost inevitable for Hange to either consciously fight her curious, ever shining side, because that is synonimous to being selfless for her, or to genuinely lose interest in things that kept her going, that were to some extent a part of her. And when we lose what we are, we are no more than walking mechanisms who exist rather than live. Right? Hange thinks it's a good thing... And if we feel sorry for Hange, how do you think Levi copes with the drastic change in the person he loves the most? With the change that made her a shadow of her past self? "Those days are all gone now but one thing is true When I look and I find I still love you" (c) ~

A Brief History of Reluctant Heroes by RockSaltAndRoll "What is this one doing here?" Is this the question that popped up in your head? How could this fluffy vet fanfic ever make someone sad? It can't, right? Well, it's all about the ending and what follows that ending canonically. Last chapter reminds us that nothing lasts forever, that some memories remain just that - memories - till the end of our days, for they can never be relived. What's worse, we get this idea from Hange's point of view. And while Hange's concerns are about Erwin's and her own promotion, we also know that Mike will face his dreadful death relatively soon, later it will be Erwin, and then, years later, Hange. We also know that Levi will never forget, but this time, it's not consoling. While most of the time Surver Corps veterans are all about nostalgic past, A Brief History of Reluctant Heroes makes us look at this past as at a loss, and suddenly it doesn't feel warm anymore. "This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us Who wants to live forever Who dares to love forever" (c) ~

Coastal Lights by @tundrainafrica aka Sav Wait, this one is about ghost Hange, right? So it's, like, a sad smile kind of fic? Maybe. I don't feel devastated reading this, that's for sure. I feel serene, but it's... An uncomfortable kind of serene. Death serene. In Coastal Lights, things happen that normally call for dynamic in actions, emotions, words. None of that happens. Sav describes post-war life of Levi, Onyankopon, Gabi and Falco in a very calm manner no matter what happens in the plot, and it's perfect for the new world they find themselves in: deserted, flattened, filled with grief, and so lonely. It could have been a sad smile fic for me for sure if the ending didn't decide against it. Yes, Hange is there. But is she really? And does it matter? Is Levi and Hange's unbrekable bond that battles death the only good thing about this fic? Hell no. Read it for Sav to paint beautiful, colorful sceneries clearly right inside your mind, as if you see what the characters see yourself. Read it to learn how Hange figures out how to interact with the world of the living. Just read it. "If you have longed to tell me something, then say it Any sound is deceitful, Silence is scarier" (c) ~

waking up without you is my worst nightmare by @theythemdumbbitch aka Jaxx ...Or "Levi is a broken man". It's a hurt/comfort fic (that's how Jaxx himself tagged it), but the count of hurt and comfort aren't equal. Hurt wins. You submerge into cute levihan interactions after Levi wakes up from a nightmare. Jaxx puts you through this cycle three times, and then, during a comfort part, when you don't suspect a thing, he slaps your face with just one phrase that Hange says. Hange was always there, and now she is not. To show that, Jaxx decided to catch us unprepared. Levi's feelings in this are everything! Also, his nightmares do look like what our brains do to us at nights: surreal, illogical, digging into his fucked up mind, searching for the deepest fears and most painful memories, thus connecting him from the world of dreams to the cruel reality nevertheless. "I'm crying Missing my lover I'm standing alone, no way Calling out your name" (c) ~

Everglow by guess who It starts off with Levi suffering. Sav makes sure we suffer with him. Not a single bit of pain that Levi feels will slip away. It takes so long for us to read through the first scene. It's not that much of text, really, it's just suffocative. Levi isn't just injuried. His whole body is a mess on the inside and on the outside, and there's no rest for him any time soon. Seconds are outrageously long for him in this state, and for us, the readers, they are too. Levi feels Hange's presence. Levi thinks it makes him happy. It doesn't. The notion of Hange being out there somewhere is not a gift but a curse. While life still goes on, for Levi, it never does, until acceptance forces itself onto him. And of course Sav chooses the most poetic way imaginable to describe what Levi feels thinking of Hange. The man becomes such a romantic under her quill. And it is so, so sad. "And for two thousands years has the war lasted, The war for no particular reason, A war is for the youth, A wrinkle-defying medicine" (c) ~

That would be it for today. Maybe once I remember or discover more fics, I'll add more to the post! Thanks for reading!

#levihan

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mortedeveles · 4 years ago

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AHHH that last mha headcanon was amazing tysm! You did great!!♡♡ Could I ask for another one with the same boys? (baku,tenya & izu!) With a crush who draws a lot? Like maybe they doodle while in class and while on break, 'cause they're bored? And the bois get curious because they're ALWAYS drawing while in the middle of class and they space out! Bonus points if the bois check their notebook and there's dumb doodles of them doing/saying something funny and some with little hearts around them. ^^"

thank you!! of course, anon! here you go, I hope you like it! a friendly reminder that my REQUESTS ARE OPEN! feel free to request lovelies! i’m ready to write for whatever you guys have in mind. i have a project coming up in 1-2 weeks and i think you guys will like it 👁️👁️! i’ll be posting the bonuses of model for me soon enough and a new series (not bakuhoe) will be posted as well! so stay tuned for more <3 as always, please leave a like, reblog, follow and/or comment if you enjoyed! support and feedback are ALWAYS welcomed! <3

PAIRING: IIDA T. X GN!READER, BAKUGOU K. X GN!READER, TODOROKI S. X GN!READER

THEMES: humor, fluff. [HEADCANNONS]

TW: cursing

IIDA, MIDORIYA, KATSUKI, TODOROKI WITH A DOODLER!CRUSH READER

Frankly, school can be quite boring. Even though you're in the hero course and you learn extraordinary things, it doesn't exclude regular civilian subjects such as history, math and so.

When you lose focus in class, you like to redirect your attention to doodling. It's fun, relaxing and effortless- it's also quite time-consuming and you've spaced out of class many times.

When you space out, you lose the function to pay attention to your reality- and ever since the first day you started doodling in class, you never noticed a pair of curious eyes watching you.

IIDA TENYA

Iida Tenya is quite the gentleman. He's also known for being strict and keeping the chaotic class 1A in order- (well, try and fail many times, but he does his best.) During classes with Aizawa, the majority of the classroom is quiet- but he always hears intense scribbling from your seat.

Usually, he does his best to ignore it and focuses on the class but you're his crush- and the fact that he always hears intense scribbling every day is quite concerning. But one day, he can't take it anymore.

It's a hot and sweltering day, it doesn't help that class 1A just finished hero training and even though everyone hit the showers afterward- the classroom is boiling.

Iida's neck is drenched in sweat, Aizawa's flat and tired voice drones on and he hears furious scribbling behind him- it's all giving him a headache.

Slowly, he turns around and stares blankly at you. Your head is lowered, hand sketching in your notebook. Your movements are fluid and bold and your arm is propped lazily on the desk, leaning your head against it.

He feels his nerves calm at the sight. But then he remembers that he's class president- you're not paying attention in class and that is not okay. Iida opens his mouth and delivers a long speech. Tenya is strict- but he's not stupid- he lowers his voice so he won't embarrass you in front of the class.

After his long speech, he expects you to look sullen or simply understand where he's coming from- but instead, you're snickering with a smile.

''I'm sorry, Iida. I just space out of class all the time and I like to doodle,'' there's a playful pout on your lips, a pleading look gleaming in your eyes.

Oh god, how is he supposed to reprimand you when you look so cute and adorable?

His voice is stuck in his throat- there's a flushed expression on his face and it only gets worse when Aizawa's voice booms.

''Iida, if you're done with your important chat with L/N, turn around and pay attention. You're class president, I expect better from you.''

Iida nearly squeaks as he turns around and nods, apologizing several times. Aizawa simply sighs tiredly and resumes the lesson.

After that time, Iida spots you doodling all the time in class. It makes him concerned- do you even pay attention in class? Are your grades failing?

Eventually, he confronts you about and explains his concerns. His face is beet red when he's done, but you simply brush him off with a smile.

Assuring him that your grades and knowledge are in perfect order, you simply doodle a lot in class. After that confrontation, Iida is much more relaxed about the situation, and every time he sees you doodle, there's a soft smile on his lips.

MIDORIYA IZUKU

Midoriya is a very observant person. He has dozens of notebooks dedicated to quirks, Pro Heroes, and so on and while he doesn't write about his friends- he tends to notice several things.

For example, you. Since you began to attend U. A with Izuku, he's noticed that you spend most of your time sketching, doodling god knows what. You've never shown him your artwork.

Another thing he's realized is that when you start doodling- only Aizawa's loud voice or the school bell will snap you out of it. Izuku's tried everything- waving his hands in your face, throwing you paper balls- nothing. It's like you've been sucked out of reality..

Your manners leave him interested, curious to know more. He's sure you're not slacking off in class- he's been in several study sessions with Tsuyu, Iida, Ochaco, Todoroki, and you- you're always on track and usually have a good grasp of the subject.

You rarely share your notes- only with Tsuyu and Iida and occasionally Todoroki.

Midoriya doesn't mind, but it makes him burn with curiosity. So on the next studying session, he decides to come up with a plan.

''Y/N, what did you get on question 43?'' Ochaco asked. She leaned towards said girl and giggled.

Izuku frowned. What was so funny? The brunette's grin grew as she stared down at Y/N's notes, who was stammering and trying to hide their notes from the public view.

When Ochaco and Y/N rose and said they needed to visit the restroom- Izuku struck. Tsuyu was chatting with Todoroki and Iida had his nose buried in his book- so they didn't notice when he grabbed your notebook.

He flicked through pages, greedily drinking in the sight of your doodles. They were all varied- some flowers, vines, others were small and cute animals- and others were more complex but in the end, doodles. Midoriya froze when he flipped through a page and saw a... peculiar sight.

In the middle of the page, was a heart. You had doodled several headshots of Izuku, in which some of them he was saying corny or bad jokes, and in others, he was simply smiling. His cheeks burned when he saw the small hearts that you had doodled around him.

When he heard your voice and footsteps approaching the dorm- he quickly dropped your notebook in your spot and tried to act casual. Tsuyu raised an eyebrow at this, but said nothing, while Todoroki asked him why his face was burning.

He had refused to answer and remained somewhat silent during the rest of the session, his cheeks red. His heart was soaring with happiness- those doodles only meant one thing- you had feelings for him.

Once the studying session was over, Izuku would pull you aside and confess his feelings. His veins were pumping with confidence- you liked him back!

BAKUGOU KATSUKI

Ever since you befriended Katsuki, he's noticed that you're a very attentive friend.

That is when you're not in class. You submerge yourself into your notebook with a pencil and nothing else- and pour all your attention into it.

Bakugou thinks it's rather annoying, he's tried to get your attention several times, only to fail miserably.

Today is no exception. Bakugou's ready to pop- dunceface and shitty head have been bothering him all day, stupid Deku gave a speech that made him roll his eyes and he was tired and just wanted to go to bed.

Unfortunately, he found himself stuck in class, listening to Aizawa talk like a damn zombie- trying to grab your attention, but you were too immersed in your doodles.

Irritated, he pressed his sweat hand on your neck and ignited a small spark- not enough to hurt you, but enough to startle you. The effect was immediate. You yelped and snapped your neck upwards, clutching the back of your neck. Everyone stared at you, bewildered. Katsuki grinned, satisfied that he finally got your attention but when you realized it was him- you narrowed your eyes and scowled.

''Bakugou? L/N? What's going on?'' Aizawa asked sharply.

Your scowl deepened. ''Everything is okay, Aizawa-sensei. I apologize.'' Your eyes stayed on Bakugou as you spoke.

Aizawa hummed in response and continued with the lesson. Bakugou bit down on his lip, swallowing a snicker.

After class, you smacked Bakugou on the head, to which he responded with a growl and the two of you engaged in a match of playful fighting, and between snickers and lunges your notebook fell out of your open backpack, loose sheets slipping out.

Immediately, you jumped back and began to gather them, but Bakugou kneeled down and helped you as well. He froze as he held a loose sheet- there were several sketches of him with different expressions- in some, he was smirking, frowning or screaming- but that wasn't what made him freeze. It was the several little hearts that you had doodled around him.

You nearly shrieked when you saw which paper he was holding and snatched it out of his hands. In a blink of an eye, you had picked everything up and ran away.

Katsuki was puzzled. He stood there for a minute or two, gears shifting in his brain as he processed the situation. Once it finally kicked in, he raced after you and found you sitting in a corner, head buried between your knees.

''Um,'' he cleared his throat awkwardly. ''Hey.'' his voice was gruff and tense.

You groaned and shook your head. ''Go away, Bakugou. I know you don't like me, so just spare me from the harsh rejection.''

''What?'' he furrowed his eyebrows and kneeled to your height. ''What the fuck are you talking about? That's not true.''

Slowly, you raised your head and peered at him, narrowing your eyes with suspicion. ''It's not?''

Bakugou scoffed. ''Of course not. I like you too, dumbass,'' he grumbled the last sentence, feeling his ears and cheeks warm up.

''Oh.'' was all you said. The blonde snickered and pulled you upwards onto your feet.

''C'mon dumbass, I'll walk you home. Gotta keep you safe.''

(bonus extra!)

TODOROKI SHOUTO

Shoto is clever and can improvise quickly- but he can be quite dense or oblivious at times. He probably wouldn't notice your doodling habits and if he did, he would brush it off. You're just doodling in class, nothing too fancy.

He doesn't understand how far your doodling goes until he asks you to lend him your math notes after class, and you happily oblige.

Shoto spends the rest of the afternoon studying and writing down whatever he missed- all thanks to your notes that were thankfully complete.

Once he was sure he'd done enough studying, Todororki began to flip through your notes idly, appreciating your writing. The more he read, the more he realized that there were doodles...everywhere.

He thought it was quite impressive that you managed to doodle so much in class and your artistic skills were quite impressive. There was a variety of sketches- plants, animals, silly faces but the ones he saw the most, were the ones of him.

Shoto felt a strange flutter whenever he saw one of your doodles that were him. You captured him perfectly and he cracked a grin whenever he saw one in which he was saying a corny or silly joke. It was refreshing.

It made his heart warm, seeing that his crush seemed to be as fond of him as he was of them. I don’t think he’d truly understand why you would draw him several times and instead, would ask you for an explanation.

The next day, he made sure to thank you for lending him your notes- and for making such beautiful and impressive doodles.

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cdk13 · 3 years ago

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okie. so. i was going back through the alcstars faction relationship diagrams and i noticed a couple of interesting things.

sorry if the screenshot resolution on some of these photos is ass, they get the point across anyway.

[under a readmore for length]

first.

sharona’s official art and the art used in the graphic are different. at first I thought that they were just trying to get her arm out of the way, because its covering her face, but it’s pretty clear she’s wearing a different outfit from her live2d. her shoulders look bare, and she has a weird collar/necklace/idk thing around her neck that isn’t present on her in-game sprite.

i think that it might have been a beta outfit that got edited to what it is now somewhere along the line. i wonder what the entire outfit looked like

second. and this is by far the weirder one.

uhhh?????

either this was, again, rejected beta version art, or it’s just art that hasn’t been seen yet, like a talksprite or something. there are plenty of characters with talksprites that are distinct from their regular live2ds: corax, barbara, sinsa, brock, and plenty of others. a lot of the time, it’s a matter of how the original art is composed; none of the characters mentioned are posed in their live2ds in such a way that it looks like they’re standing and talking, and a lot of them have set pieces that would make positioning them on a screen awkward. i challenge anyone to try and make jola’s regular live2d look normal on a visual novel-style interface.

anyway. it isn’t really a matter of trying to get a graphic that would look good in a diagram like this; i don’t see any reason why they would put so much effort into creating a custom headshot for a single 4* character when even 6*’s get their default art. it also wouldn’t be that hard to get a good snapshot from jola’s a3 live2d, and it’s not like they’re against using those if they have to. look at wrath, for instance.

(and also my personal solution to the ‘what part of jola’s art do we crop out’ conundrum)

keeping hands/arms/whatever out of the way of the snapshot isn’t really a big deal; areia and unimet have theirs featuring in both their pics.

so, in conclusion, I think that this may be an unused talksprite or just old art that they found easier to make a better headshot out of than either of jola’s official graphics. if it’s the latter, then cool. moving on.

it it is a talksprite, though, the implications are uhh.

we have three options.

1) jola is getting his own character story quest. i don’t think this is likely, seeing as he’s a base character and a super minor one at that.

2) he’ll be involved in an event or feature in someone else’s story quest, like rabbie does in maggie’s. this is pretty plausible.

3) he(and by extension, black umbrella labs) will be involved in the main story in the future. it’s three am and i don’t want to ramble about it further, so read my post here: https://redeyegorge.tumblr.com/post/662181385535193088/me-so-given-the-nature-of-the-experiments-run-at . this is by far my favorite possibility. don’t @ me.

whatever happens, I’ll be interested to see where tourdog takes the story in the future. if i’m wrong, that’s fine. if i'm right, nice.

#fathericraveviolencecore #literally im only obsessed with this guy because i have him maxed out dont look at me #alcstars chat

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muggycuphead · 4 years ago

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Concept Exposure Sketchdump thing #1

Yo s'up, just came back over here to drop this little thing I made past month It's just filled with most concept ideas, sketches and silly stuff I drew while bored, and I liked how it came out so I wanted to post it for you guys to see and well- give feedback or simply know what I got in my mind for some of the projects I'm working on Here's the number list (short and straight descriptions because I'm not up to give that much detail on these or else SPOILER NOOO-) 1.-Jefferson Willow (My ‘Jeff the Killer’ creepypasta character remake) Woooo- he back, no big surprise To be honest, I kind of lost a big part of my interest on this recreational remaster-concept thing here mostly because I feel like this protagonist’s reimagination is a little…cringe. Or so that’s how I see it right now 2.-Frarachno old ver.? Me trying to be edgy in my FPA stuff, don’t mind me 3.-JPSAB Human Blixer –practice sketch/fandesign concept idea- Name said it already, just a sketch with hornet’s boi design in my AU thing 4.-Blixer headshot –practice sketch- Another one –propsifureditwithkhalidsvoicelololol- 5.-B r u h h Of what I can recall, this was kinda not just a practice sketch bu also a mood thing, don’t ask me though I don’t really remember that much when I made it 6. & 7.-BR Page 20’s ‘preview sketches’ (to understand poses n’ stuff b4 going straight on drawing the actual page) Ah yes, finally I posted it and can breathe good again And yea I usually do this kind of sketches to guide myself better on the pages making and stuff, artist tactics of mine and nothing else 8. & 9.-Cube boiii <3 –practice sketches- Q-bee hun, nothin’ else 10.-Spooky spoder (vb spoiler oh nooooo-) Oops Well, long story short, this basically is from the Spider Kingdom’s symbol in VB, but the shown it’s just the center part 11.-VB characters concepts Boss thing concepts, don’t get me started 12.-Remember that swap AU thing from back in 2018? Yeah me neither (Coally –Swap!Anti/Dark Pants’ pet- and Wilson –Swap!Fancy Pants’ pet-) Comes from this, but this time it includes APM/DPM’s pet too And yes I gave the dog a name; you can still change it as you like idm 13.-Coally in Brad Borne’s artstyle Chub birbie boo 14. & 15.-Coally in the VB artstyle (Idle & Downwards) It’s a ink bird/parrot, what’d you expect me to draw? 16.-Isea entertaining Inkwhiskle w/ a cat toy (feather hanging from a stick) This is cute…and kinda depressing just thinking about it 17.-Spooky piranha plants (W2 remix forest level enemy concept 1) Chomp 18.-VB Ink pirahna fish concept idea (Ink volcano maybe?) Another chomp 19.-Weird squiggle rock item (VB) This has something to do with the plot yes, but for now it’ll remain shush 20.-A gift baked out of love (VB chapXIV sneak peek) Relates to this one post 21.-Her trusty weapon and handy inventory (VB Cutie’s scepter/staff and mini-bag concept idea) The stuff she uses and all that 22.-Wolves are a thing in FPA now I guess????? (W2 remix forest level enemy concept 2) Furry peeps wya 23.-C4: C‘R’ Yet-Nameless mecha-birdie BETA concept art Moar bird because yes 24.-CV: C‘R’/C4: C‘R’ diamond necklace mini-sketch The diamond necklace Code “LEFT” wears and has to deliver to one of the protagonists 25.-Dark Pants and Inkwhiskle seen backwards Context is basically related to this Phiddie, for goodness’ sake Stop Trying To turn FPA Into Feels Material please 26.-Long axe weapon concept idea mini-sketch Random stuff I drew just to fill space 27.-Sneaky sneks (W2 remix forest level enemy concept 3) Dude, this kinda blows a little my urge to post the level design I made about it But then I remember how broken my skills are at that and it suddenly leaves my head 28.-Swirley Blackberry fruit (W2 remix forest level asset concept) Food 29.-Fuchsia but he got damaged This is what happens when little young star shape touches pure red He breks According to my AU logic 30.-Quinem sketch (HE’S ALIVE OOHH-) So the little heart-shaped birdie thing that hangs from my persona’s necklace chain has now become a living being… Nice 31.-Minimalist cockatiel idea kaa-kaa, bishes 32.-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (Coally facing upwards) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 33.-Hamoooooohawks Hamohawks meme is back 34.-Spooky red-pink sus shape (JPSAB/JSAB FC) “tHEY’RE THE IMPOSTOR I KNOW IT—” -Fuchsia having a breakdown 35.-“DON’T BREAK IT PLEASE!” (JPSAB Fuchsia defending one of the Tree’s triangles) Uhm… Huh, would… woulditbetoosoontocontacttheautorithiesthingsaintlookingokayforfuchsthere- 36.-haha simplified Phiddie go aaaaaaaa I is dumb that's it, sorry if it came out kinda boring here, I don't want to drop the actual spicy stuff quite yet so ye k bye-

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theblackdragon-studios · 6 years ago

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After all the sketching…I had to do it I guess. Dragon AU Aaravos reference sheet, because this probably won’t be the last time I draw him like this. It’s also to help figure out what shade goes where on his body, accomplished by a very helpful post on here by someone showing where each color goes and what that color is on his character model. Below is some information on each piece because I really like writing my thoughts down. If you don’t want to read it, I hope you enjoy this (probably draft) of my design for a dragon Aaravos.

Body

For the full-body shot I went with his default colors. As in the colors on his character model which people speculate might be how he looks during the day. I’m not objecting to it. That just makes the design even more interesting to me.  I went with the swept back mane for this one too. Both to show each divide and because I think that’s what it might look like when he’s no longer in that place he’s in behind the mirror. I’ll explain in the headshot section though. As for the wings, I was going to just make them the same shade as his torso…then I thought why not incorporate the cloak? So starry wings that resemble his cloak it was. (And for those wondering, he isn’t missing a wing. I cut off the one closest to the viewer to show his back. The other wing looks the same as the one behind the body.

Headshots

I went with the two other shades we see Aaravos in for these. For the “Present” look it’s the purple shades he appears to be in his later appearances. For the “1000 years ago” look I used the concept art of his official design since it was easier than using the actual screenshot from the prologue.

As for why the mane is different on all three, a few reasons.

1.) The “1000 years ago” look is him when he’s using magic. In the scenes where he’s doing this his hair glows and is moving around as though in a nonexistent wind. It would stay like it is in the full body shot even when not using his power though, because I think it would look pretty wind-swept probably. Cause dragons fly…so…yeah.

2.) Present Aaravos’ mane (which I’m still not fully happy with…but maybe it’s because I’m just worried he still looks too anime or cartoony or something) has lost that because I personally see his situation as there isn’t an outside to go to. He’s inside the building he’s seen in, and while that’s not very troublesome for an elf aside from limited space to explore, that means no sky. For a dragon that means no flying. (I like adding unnecessary depression to this character. Sorry. lol)

Also jewelry. If I get around to it I’ll make another part showing what I think a dragon Aaravos would wear for accessories both before and after the mirror.

———-

The Dragon Prince © Wonderstorm

Dragon!Aaravos design and art © @theblackdragonstudios

#dragon #reference sheet #the dragon prince #aaravos #dragon aaravos #AU #blackdragon art

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theoriginalladya · 4 years ago

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My Mass Effect Headcanons

Okay, now that I’ve brought everyone down with me, here are a few more headcanons on the more positive side of things, maybe? (I’m not sure they all qualify as headcanons, but what the hell)

(These are from a number of different Shepards, not just Caleb)

1) Bailey’s kid(s) survive the war. Depends on which story I’m writing, but I have two headcanons for this so far:

a) Serafina Shepard: Bailey’s son and daughter were both biotic and among Kaidan’s biotic spec ops recruits. Shannon ends up as Serafina’s ‘bodyguard’ post war (thanks to Hackett). She and her squad are responsible for retrieving Shepard’s body off the Citadel before the remnants of Cerberus can get her. She serves as Serafina’s assistant once Shepard is up and working to help post-War before the Normandy returns. Later, after a major escape off Earth with the Normandy, she eventually reunites with her father who is serving temporarily as humanity’s Councilor (until Shepard can take over - headcanon #2)) on the Citadel.

b) Kathryn Bailey: Ryn is from my Mass Effect: Andromeda story. I came up with their concept while we awaited the game to drop, then when it did I couldn’t let it go. So, she’s the Alliance trained (Vanguard) biotic kid, still part of Kaidan’s biotic black ops recruits; her twin, William ‘do-not-call-me-Bill’ Bailey isn’t. He’s a street cop from Earth, filling dad’s old footsteps. Their mother becomes a part of the Andromeda Initiative and after at first refusing her offer/request to go with her, they eventually decide to go for plot reasons. :P

2) Kaidan’s dad isn’t necessarily dead. I know the game leans heavily in that direction, but they don’t outright say it that I’ve ever seen, so hey, why not investigate that line of thinking for something different? (this is a Caleb one)

3) After the War, Ambassador Dominic Osaba takes over as human councilor. Another new idea this time around. I’ve always been intrigued by him and wanted to explore a bit more about him. He’ll be interesting to develop. I love this guy and I can’t even tell you why!

4) Headshot competitions between my Infiltrator Shepards and Garrus are a MUST! Can’t be any other way. James is still trying to figure that out. He thinks they’re both loco ...

5) Anderson meets up with Kaidan’s dad on Earth - just a thing I can’t not see in my head. Also, as part of tie in to this, Mr. Alenko, Anderson and Hackett all served together in their early days of Alliance Service (pre-Contact War).

6) (Micah) Shepard names their fish things like breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack, elevensies, and Charlie. When she is listing them all to Kaidan, she forgets to mention Charlie. “Sorry, Charlie!” I’m such a product of my childhood ...

I know I have many others if I can think of them ...

#ladya has headcanons #mass effect headcanons #so many headcanons #a few I won't share just yet because I don't want to give them away just yet

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agentzakura · 5 years ago

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LoveFanFest 2019

Ok, so a lot of people asked me what happened at #LFF2019 since I was clearly upset last week. Things have settled down a bit so I figured I’d spend time today making my thread.

TLDR; ClexaCon is a dream compared to LoveFanFest. LFF needs better communication and customer service. Lack of transparency and asking for money left and right… The queer fandom deserves better than that. Listen to Laura Hollis.

https://lovehollistein.tumblr.com/post/151126971734/you-deserve-better

So first of all, the good stuff. I did like my trip to Barcelona. I got to see a really beautiful city and hang out with friends I’d never met IRL or haven’t seen in a long time. It was a wonderful experience from that aspect. When I first joined the fandom I asked Gabi what the best part of cons was and her answer was meeting other fans. She was absolutely right. While I’m grateful I get to geek out on my faves and have my briefest moments with them, I loved talking to other people in line and getting to know them in person after interacting with them online.

The actual con was frustrating and disappointing. Before anyone tries to invalidate my experience, please keep it to yourself or DM me. There are far too many people jumping to defend LFF without any context. Things like, “It’s hard to make a con"… "Cons aren’t free”…”It’s just European culture.” Or even “It wasn’t that bad.” Comments like that don’t help at all. I’ve been to big cons before and I’ve volunteered at them. If I had the time, I would start my own convention and almost did. Believe me. I don’t take writing things like this lightly. Also, the heat wave didn’t help anything but to blame behavior on that alone is nonsensical.

LoveFanFest as a whole was just not organized very well. We received the schedule a few days prior. It was filled with mistakes. They sold a lot of the extras at a discount months earlier and if I had known that things would have conflicted I wouldn’t have bought the things I did. Especially since their attitude is sorry no refunds or exchanges no matter what.

Day 0

Registration was a mess and the lines made no sense. 1 line to get your main badge, 1 line for Earpers, 1 line for Creampuffs, the last line for other guests. I immediately regretted the handful of Earper extras I bought. I spent 2 hours in line longer than my other friends because of it.

The ticketing didn’t make sense. It was confusing figuring out which one was Sat/Sun. They looked nice printed but got collected and thrown away. They’re easily lost and it was a pain to try to get them all with the multiple lines. Why can’t you use Eventbrite digital tickets as they were intended? I heard after the fact that tickets weren’t even checked properly. One person couldn’t switch their ticket, but went up on the other day anyway and they didn’t pay attention to the day on it. Some people were able to

I also missed the beach clean up my friend organized, so that day was so disappointing.

Day 1

Breakfast with the guests was one of the few highlights. I like how it was split into smaller groups. 3 guests max with 10 attendees I think. At ClexaCon is was really hard to hear whatever was saying because all the breakfasts/lunches were at the same time and I felt like I was shouting across the table. In fact, at ClexaCon Natasha had to walk up to people individually to talk to them because she couldn’t hear them.

I bought more extras for Hollstein. I knew I had more autographs for the things I brought and got more photo ops and selfies. Early in the morning I brought it to the staff’s attention that the Hollstein panel and my Mel and Isabella photo ops overlapped. I’m a Creampuff more than anything, so that was a really big deal for me. I asked if I could swap the tickets instead for the Sunday. Sunday their photo ops occurred when I had nothing else scheduled. In all fairness, the person at the extras register passing out the tickets was really nice. They were really patient with me and assured me everything was fine. I told them about what I wanted to do and they said they couldn’t change the tickets because they were “limited” and may be sold out for the next day. Another staff member assured me that there would be 15 min that doesn’t overlap with the Hollstein panel so I can take my pictures before it. I was just told to tell the volunteer at the ops that I needed to make a panel and skip to the front of the line. The original staff member told me to come back and talk to them if what I was told didn’t work out. I was grateful and hoped I didn’t have to come back… Of course, it wasn’t that simple.

There was no volunteer at the front of the line. The volunteers I did find had no idea what was going on. The Hollstein panel was about to start so I had to run back upstairs and talk to them again. I was passed onto another staff member. She seemed to be one of the head people. She called over a Spanish speaking volunteer to escort me down and get me to the head of the line and I got them done. I still missed half of the first Hollstein panel because of it though. I ran in behind one of my friends in press who also had the same conflict. Of course, no recording is allowed so who knows when I’ll get to see that footage.

I don’t understand why photo ops tickets are per person. Maybe I was spoiled at ClexaCon with 4 people max to a photo. I bought an Earper trio to do a BayHaught photo with a friend. This was my first con where I’d meet Mel. We found out that we had to pay for another ticket just for her to join in mine. Which is insane. It literally takes the same amount time to have one more person join. Trios are not cheap. Around €130 for one person for less than 5 seconds to pose?! My friend was nice enough to pay to be in the photo anyway.

Autographs were ok up to a certain point. I stood in line for Natasha and Elise because I wanted to make sure I got to see them. I wasn’t looking forward to getting the Earp autographs. Dom's line was crazy and went outside the door and I assume around the lobby. Plus, the trio photos hadn’t printed yet, so I was essentially waiting for that. The reason I bought Dom, Kat, and Mel’s autographs that day is because I had the photo ops. For some reasons, LFF only has one person in charge of the printing and it took forever to get them on the tables. The trio took the longest. When I was done with Natasha's and Elise’s line, I went to Mel’s and waited. Again, most of my friends are Creampuffs so it was basically just me in line waiting. I wanted to see if someone else could get the autograph for me, but that didn’t go well either. I got to the front of Mel’s line with nothing to sign. The trio photos weren’t out yet. I couldn’t swap my autographs for the next day. The one rule LFF was very adamant about regardless of your situation. The poor volunteer had to call one of the staff members over to see what could be done. It was the same woman from last time who had a volunteer take me to the photo ops. I think she said her name was Maria or Michelle or some name that started with an M. I told her the only thing I wanted to get signed was the trio photo and it wasn’t printed yet. She told me that LFF never guaranteed that the photos would be done by the end of the day. Essentially, she was telling me I was SOL. I asked if I could switch my autographs to the next day so I had my photo to be signed. She flat out told me no. That’s when I started to get upset and asked her what I needed to do then. LFF doesn’t give headshots for them to sign. You have to pay extra for those. She told me I needed to get something else signed. The fact that I didn’t have anything else didn’t matter. It was frustrating because at that point I really didn’t care and would be damned if I had to pay any more money because they were inflexible with their tickets.

That’s when things got really bad. As I was trying to explain why I didn’t want to pay more money for a headshot I didn’t even want just to use these tickets, the staff member told me I needed to stop yelling and being rude or they wouldn’t help me. There was no yelling. There was me trying to explain my frustration with what they were doing and asking them to come to some sort of compromise. I’ve worked in customer service. I’ve had people cuss me out or try to attack me. What I was doing was not threatening. I get it. You have policies. You can’t bend the rules for everyone. But what really got t o me was she then she proceeded to accuse me of not asking the right questions and projected the blame on me. I can still see her in my face, repeatedly saying, “Well, did you ask? Did you ask?” She didn’t believe me. It was frustrating. It’s not like I’m trying to score free things. I just wanted to get what I paid for.

My friends saved the day by finding the trio photo and M person let me go to the front of the line for all my trouble, but it wasn’t a redeeming experience. Instead of being happy to meet Mel for the first time, Kat, and Dom, I was on edge and could hardly speak. Most of the disagreement happened to the side of Mel’s auto table. Mel was so nice and hilarious. Kat was so nice and understood why I brought my daughter to the M&G at CCUK. Dom and her handlers were really sweet and made sure that people in line had water and a little something to eat. I can say I shared a bowl of chips with Dom now. 😄 But I felt like absolute garbage by the end of it.

I had two more autographs with Mel for Sunday, but I honestly didn’t want to deal with it anymore.

Day 2

The second day was pretty low key until I thought I left the Mel autograph tickets at the Airbnb. I honestly had no interest to line up in the line that never ends for a second day so I was giving them away. I went to the Airbnb and had a mini breakdown because 1) I couldn’t find the tickets (I found them in my wallet a little later. 2) In trying to hurry, I also left my agenda at home and looked at the schedule. I saw that I had missed the single photo ops for Natasha and Elise. Time to panic again.

I had a Trio Carmilla photo op and a Hollstein duo photo op, so we thought that they would be ok with me doing my singles at the same time. Unfortunately, it wasn’t that easy… I took my trio photo and the staff and the handlers weren’t sure how to handle the situation. At first I was told that I would need to fall back in line and do it after the duo. I was completely fine with this because I had to get a prop I had left down the hall with my friends. Then I was told that I needed to do the solos right that second because the photographer was “on time” and didn’t feel like they wouldn’t have time to do the solos. Not even for the minute or so it would take me to get my prop and get back to them. I was calm about it as they talked amongst themselves, but honestly couldn’t believe that it was happening again. It took longer for them to argue about what to do than it probably would have taken me to get the prop.

I stood there just watching the interaction in disbelief when Natasha came over to me and asked what was going on and I lost it. Not like anger, but just crying out of frustration from the situation. Tears flowing freely as my emotions overwhelmed me.This was supposed to be my solo trip and fun half way across the world and I’m being told yet again, they might not honor the tickets I bought. Natasha assured me it would work out. We ended up doing the photo ops after the Hollstein duo… But two other fans had single photo ops they did after… So I did understand why they made a big fuss out of me doing it. I was done at the point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t enjoy the last Hollstein panel and closing ceremony was hard to sit through. My only moments of reprieve happened when I found some Creampuffs and hung out in their hotel room for a bit before the closing.

Autographs after the second day were not too bad. I still gave away my autographs to EarpItForward. I had to buy a photo of Mel for them to get signed. I didn’t like my photo ops with Isabella, so I ended up buying her headshot too. I had picked one I saw originally that I really liked, but then I saw someone get another Isabella head shot, which was even better. I asked if I could switch it because I didn’t know that the other con photo was available. Thankfully I did get it, but not without an offhanded comment from M person about how I should have asked before then I would have known. Like why say things like that?

I’m just glad that Natasha and Elise were really sweet and took time with us. Elise is pretty masterful with the selfies. Natasha also made sure we were happy with it before we left too. I had a couple of friends say they were rushed during the last moments, but thankfully I was at least saved from that. I even forgot to do my selfie with Natasha and they let me go back up and take it.

My nightmare continues as I wait to see if I get the rest of the digital print downloads I purchased. There’s some obscure issue where if you don’t click some check box correctly you only download one picture and then you have to contact them to get the rest. I swear the pop up I had asked if it was ok to download multiples and I clicked accept... I still only got one photo. I’m incredibly frustrated because they tweeted that but didn’t include it in any emails with the photos. How is someone who doesn’t have Twitter suppose to know? They also posted all the M&G photos, but haven’t bothered to message me back.

Honestly, I don’t get how #Clexacapocalypse became a thing. My experience with them far exceeded the miserable experience I had at LoveFanFest. I’d honestly go to Barcelona again to hangout with friends, but things seriously need to change before I even think about that convention again. I wish the people who also had an issue would speak up as well. Nothing will change if no one says anything. Just my 2 cents.

#lovefanfest #LoveScamFest #lff2019 #queer conventions #my experience #what not to do #queer fans deserve better #barcelona

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magickmoons · 7 years ago

Text

famous!Dean part 5

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Dean looked up at the sound of the bell -- as he had every time someone had walked in during the half-hour he'd been waiting. He kept reminding himself that he'd gotten there insanely early, but with the arrival of each person who wasn't Cas, he became more and more discouraged. Why had Cas agreed to meet with him? The overly dramatic part of his mind wondered if Cas was planning to stand him up and alert the press -- get some nice pics of jilted Dean Winchester.

But it was Cas -- alone -- this time. Dean's heart pounded double-time as Cas walked over. Holy hell, the picture on the University website came nowhere close to capturing how drop-dead sexy adult Cas was. Dean had worked with some of the best looking Hollywood had to offer -- including at least 2 winners of the Sexiest Man Alive award -- and they didn't hold a candle to Cas, who was now taking his seat, staring at Dean intently.

"Hello, Dean."

"Cas ... tiel," he stammered, unsure if the familiar nickname would still be welcome. He nodded at the cup in front of Cas's seat. "I hope you still take it black."

"Thank you," Cas replied stiffly, lifting the cup and taking an experimental sip, fingers playing with the lid when he put it back down.

They sat in silence. Damn it, why had he thought this would be a good idea? Some misguided notion of giving Cas closure wrapped around the selfish hope of forgiveness.

The silence was getting to him and if one of them didn't speak soon, it was going to become fairly insurmountable.

"Cas, um ... Castiel, I --"

"Cas is fine, Dean."

"Okay, cool, yeah ... So, Cas ..."

Cas looked at him expectantly.

"Yeah, that's all I got so far." Dean grimaced sheepishly as Cas laughed.

"Well, we have at least established that we remember each other's names."

Dean tapped his temple. "Like a steel trap."

"Well," Cas started with a deep breath. "How are you?"

"How am I?' Dean repeated incredulously.

Cas shrugged. "I'm really not sure what we're supposed to talk about, Dean."

"Yeah, me neither. I thought this would flow a little better."

Cas frowned at him. "How so?"

"Well, I figured you would come in and just start yelling, we'd get everything out on the table, and go from there."

Cas shook his head. "Yelling is not on the agenda. I don't --"

"You're Dean Winchester!"

They both jumped slightly as a twenty-ish woman appeared next to the table, nearly vibrating with excitement. Dean reluctantly slid in P.R. mode (heaving a dramatic internal sigh at the interruption), wondering if he'd get the chance to figure out what Cas was going to say -- he didn't care? He didn't yell in public? Didn't -- what?

"I sure am!" She flushed scarlet he answered with a bright smile.

"Oh god. I'm so stupid. Of course you know that. It's just... I'm such a big fan. I've seen all your movies."

He chuckled. "I'm sorry about that. There are some real stinkers in that list."

"Oh no. They're always worth it to see you."

"Well, thank you." She was already opening her mouth to say something else, but he really wanted 1) to get back to Cas and 2) to get her away before she recognized Cas. "Hey, you got a phone with you? Want a selfie?"

Cas winced noticeably at her squeal of delight. The photo was quick and done and Dean squeezed her shoulder in farewell. "It was great meeting you."

She looked somewhat disappointed, but took the dismissal gracefully.

"That happen a lot?" Cas asked once the girl was back at her own table, fingers flying over her phone's screen.

Dean shrugged. "Define 'a lot.'" He winced inwardly and tried to tell from Cas's face if that had come off as humble or asshole. Unfortunately, Cas had had years to perfect his stoic expression.

"Is it worth it?"

"Wow, so just skipping right over the small talk, huh?"

Cas raised an eyebrow. "We were failing dismally at "small talk." So... fame -- is it worth it? Everything you thought it would be?"

"It has its good and bad, like anything, I guess. The past few weeks have actually turned out to be pretty awesome. Charlie keeps forwarding me messages from kids thanking me for coming out -- or not hiding from it, I guess really, since coming out wasn't exactly my idea."

A warm smile lit Cas's face. "That's great though. That this whole situation is having a positive impact."

It really was. Dean had expected much more negative fallout -- and of course there was plenty of that -- but for all the studio had worried, the paying public seemed to have very little problem with recent revelations. And the emails and posts from people -- both in the biz and not -- were enough to make Dean wish he had done this years before.

"But generally, I try to keep my life pretty quiet," Dean continued, wincing as Cas's barely restrained look of disbelief.

"Listen, man, what you saw -- that whole thing -- the, the drugs, the parties, the ..."

"Random sex with multiple people?" Cas filled in drily.

"Yeah. That's not part of the package for me anymore."

Cas took a slow breath; his eyes were filled with hurt when he spoke. "I didn't know it was ever supposed to be -- when you talked about going to California, that was never ... it was always about the acting."

Dean wished this were one of his movies so they could skip over the exposition part and just get to Cas either storming out or forgiving him. But no, this was how life had to happen.

"I barely even know where to start. It wasn't like that at first, not until after I signed with Alastair."

"Alastair Halling?" Cas interrupted.

A chill settled over Dean. "How do you know that name, Cas? He didn't .... You didn't ..." Alastair's threats echoed in Dean's head.

Cas spoke slowly, his brow furrowed in thought. "He was the one who made the final arrangements for my trip out there. He contacted me and said you need to see a friendly face from home."

Cas's words didn't make any sense at first. Alastair hadn't given a shit if anyone was happy or comfortable or anything that wasn't of direct use to him.

"Son of a bitch! He set us up."

He felt sick as the entirety of Alastair's plan settled over him, just another in the string of twisted mind games he had played back then.

Cas just looked confused when Dean made himself look at him. "I don't understand. What do you mean 'set us up'?"

Dean nodded to show Cas he'd heard him, trying to sort out his thoughts. He hadn't thought they'd be getting into this territory today. Alastair was a rough subject anytime, but to share it with Cas -- especially now that he knew Alastair's machinations had affected Cas even more directly that he had thought ...

Dean hadn't even realized he was shaking until Cas's hand covered his on the table. He leaned forward with an earnest look. "Dean, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to."

"No, Cas. No. You deserve to know this."

Cas studied him for a minute then sat back with a nod. Dean's hand felt cold and he wrapped it around the now lukewarm cup.

"So, up front -- what I'm going to tell you is not an excuse. No matter what was going on around me, I'm responsible for my own choices -- and I made a whole buncha bad ones those first years. This is just .... explanation, I guess."

"I understand," Cas replied with a soft, encouraging smile.

"When I first went out there -- California -- I was just a kid from Nowheresville, USA, a fact that was driven home pretty quickly. I thought I was ready, but -- this business is really rough. And I wasn't doing as well as I think I kind of let everyone back home believe." He rubbed a hand over his face. "It's silly, but I felt like I'd be letting everyone down if I didn't make it big.

"On top of that, it was so much more expensive than I had anticipated. I blew through my savings almost right away, even living in some little fleabag shithole and working two restaurant jobs. After a couple of months, I was just about ready to head home."

It had been crushingly disappointing to even consider that, but Dean wasn't about to ask his parents for more money and he wasn't going to get involved with any of the fast-money options that abounded in the area (and that all seemed to end with someone naked or bloody).

"I --" Cas started to speak, then quieted.

"What, Cas?"

"I wish I'd known, Dean. I feel like I could've been more supportive."

"Yeah, sometimes I wonder I wonder what would've happened if I'd told you, anyone ... I guess I was just too embarrassed. But you did help, man. I felt so much better every time we talked -- you believed in me so much, and to hear that after another shitty day of not being good enough ...

"Anyway, one of the guys I workshopped with told me about Alastair. He said the guy was like a miracle worker, almost guaranteed to get you a job -- if he liked you. He had a reputation for being really picky. I almost didn't even try; I mean, what was I going to have that he didn't already see dozens of times a week?"

Alastair had been his last attempt. He'd sent off a headshot, requesting a meeting. He had been so convinced that it was another dead end that he'd done zero research on the guy, didn't even ask what happened to Alastair's clients after the initial burst of success.

"I heard back from him almost immediately. We met, and he said he'd take me on -- teach me, 'mold' me." Dean still felt nauseous whenever he remembered the dark look in Alastair's eyes, the raspy sound of his voice. "Nobody else was interested in repping me, so I signed with him. Alastair was effective, yeah, and things just started happening. I got a couple of high profile guest spots, a movie role, every talk show wanted to have me on. It was like someone flipped a switch, and I went from struggling nobody to ultra-hot commodity overnight. None of it was really challenging acting, or even that interesting; I was pretty much just the new 'pretty face.'

"Knowing what I know now, I figure Alastair must've had dirt on at least a third of the casting agents -- not to mention the rest of Hollywood. They hired who he told them to. And those days, he wanted them to hire me."

He looked down to see that he'd bent the little plastic coffee stirrer into an accordion, and tossed it on the table.

"So I was running around non-stop day after day. It started wearing on me, and Alastair was there. He started slowly -- a pick-me-up here or there, something to help me sleep the night before an interview, something to pep me up for a shoot. Then there were a couple of strongly worded requests to show my face at this or that party."

He fell silent. Cas waited, his eyes tight, jaw tense. Dean sipped his coffee while he gathered his thoughts.

"He liked power. He had a whole little harem or entourage or whatever of wannabes that followed him around, did whatever he said, but he needed the guys like me -- success stories -- to keep them hopeful."

The coffee soured in his stomach at the memory of some of the things he'd seen. He'd spent years of therapy dealing with his own actions and how Alastair had impacted him, but the memories of those kids debasing themselves so willingly, so eagerly, while he sat and did nothing -- or worse, enjoyed the results -- still made him physically sick.

"A con man needs to be able to present some results," Cas murmured, "to keep his marks interested and pliable."

"Yeah, but even my success wasn't real. Or at least I hadn't earned it on merit. But none of us knew that then. I'm honestly not sure how many of them would have cared, either." He huffed a dispirited laugh.

"I knew something was wrong -- none of it felt like I'd always imagined, y'know? And the drugs and the sex and the parties, they were so easy to lose myself in, to push back that feeling of wrongness.

"I tried to fight it at first -- putting in appearances and heading out early. After the third time I did that, Alastair called and told me I'd been dropped from consideration for a lead in a series. They'd as much as told me I had the role in the room. But if I wasn't playing his game, I wasn't gonna get the prize. He didn't say it in so many words, but I'm sure he turned them down.

"So I just ... I played ball. And I took the pills he handed me and I threw the parties when he told me to ..."

Dean's throat ached. He looked at Cas, sitting with concern and compassion on his face. "I cheated on you, Cas. It was only ever just sex. I never, ever felt about anyone like I feel about you, but -- God that's even worse. To throw away what we had for something so empty, so superficial. And after that day, I never dreamed I'd get the change to apologize, so..."

He licked suddenly dry lips and and took a deep breath.

"I'm so sorry, Cas. You deserved so much better. I would never ask you to forgive me, but please know that I hated that you got hurt. That I was the one who hurt you."

He trailed off, unable to truly express the regret that he felt. Cas's face was nearly blank, his eyes trained on Dean's as he processed his words. Dean bit back the urge to keep explaining, to force Cas to understand. It wasn't enough, Dean knew that; some paltry words could never fix what he had broken, but they were the truth. And if it wasn't enough for Cas, Dean would just find a way to live with it.

Cas drew in a deep breath and leaned forward, taking one of Dean's hands in his own. He shook his head.

"Thank you for the apology. I admit that everything being brought up again after all this time threw me for a loop, but I forgave you a long time ago, Dean."

Dean stared at him, flummoxed. He had betrayed the one person who had meant more to him than anyone outside his family; there had never been anyone since who had been as close to Dean as Cas had been. How was that forgivable?

"We were kids, Dean." Cas smiled gently. "I know we felt so damn grown-up, but I see it every day in my classes. They're 18, 19, even in their twenties, and they think they know everything, that they have it all figured out. But they don't. Nowhere near. And neither did we."

His face hardened as he continued, in contrast to his thumb softly stroking along Dean's wrist. "Add to that what you endured with that Alastair person .... "

"I could've walked away, Cas. I --"

"And we're back to 'you were just a kid.' Yes, you made some bad decisions, things got out of hand," he swallowed, "and people got hurt. But you got out, Dean." Cas smiled widely at him. "Look at you -- even with all that, look at the successes you've had. How did that happen anyway?"

Dean sighed. "It was Sam, actually. He was the real catalyst," he said slowly. It was weird, but even after what he'd done to Cas, what Cas had seen in person, he felt reticent to share the rest of the story with him.

Cas just waited patiently.

"After what happened, what I did ... well, after that night, I kind of threw myself into that whole scene. I just wanted to forget, to not think about it, to prove to myself what an awesome time I was having, that I didn't need you."

It had been a hollow attempt at best, but at least with other people around, he looked like he was having fun.

"It was, I don't know, maybe a year, year and a half later, that Sammy came out for a visit. Nobody had come out before that, except you. I was actually kind of surprised you hadn't told anyone about everything."

"I ... it didn't feel right. Your folks didn't even know I was going then. So, I just told everyone we'd broken up and left it at that. Then I chose a school out of town and ran."

A stab of regret at what could've been left Dean aching to soothe Cas, but he had forfeited that right a long time ago.

"Anyway, Sam came out and well, to put it bluntly, it was a disaster. It all came to a head when I took him to set with me. I was actually stone-cold sober -- he'd been so disapproving of the partying the first couple of days -- I couldn't even get through the scene. Two-eighths of a page and I was ..."

He scoffed, remembering how he'd stumbled over the simple lines, kept missing his mark. Everything had felt so wrong.

"We took five and I found a corner, popped some pills to get my mind straight, and looked up to see Sammy just staring at me. That look in his eyes -- almost the same as yours, and I just..." He blew out a harsh breath. No matter how far he'd come since then, it still crushed him to think how he'd let his little brother down.

"I got through the scene, took Sam out to some shitty diner, and the whole thing just spilled out. I promised him I would stop. I could see in his eyes that he didn't believe me, but that was the beginning."

"The beginning?"

"With Alastair -- getting out from under his thumb, I had to move carefully. It wasn't even what he could do to me or my career; he'd threatened to hurt you, or Sammy. By that point, he wasn't even pretending to be doing anything for me. I started looking for another agent, real quietly; started trying to see if I could get enough dirt on him to, I dunno, blackmail him, or have him arrested.

"I met this guy, another agent, named Crowley. Almost as devious as Alastair, but more upfront about it. He was none too happy about Alastair's schemes and already had enough on him to put him away for a long time. He just needed someone to stand up."

"You?" Cas looked equal parts concerned and impressed.

"Yeah," Dean acknowledged. "I figured it was the least I could do. Screw my career, whatever. I'd go back to Lawrence and work as a mechanic if I had to, but this guy needed taking down and no one else was gonna do it."

"That's amazing, Dean. But I never heard about any of this." He flushed as he continued. "And I kind of followed your career kinda closely."

"Yeah, well, you didn't hear about it 'cause the guy had dirt on everyone and no one wanted him talking in open court. He was arrested, indicted, released on bail... and murdered."

Cas opened his mouth, closed it, almost literally biting back the question.

"It wasn't me, Cas. I don't know who it was; the list of people who wanted him dead is a mile long, at least. But that was that.

"With Crowley's help, I got in a very private rehab, got my career back in a direction that I wanted to go. Haven't touched any non-medically prescribed drugs since.

"I thought about reaching out to you to apologize, but I thought it would just be more painful for you. Or maybe I was just too scared."

Cas squeezed his hand.

"So, that's the whole sordid story."

"Thank you for telling me."

Dean shook his head to clear away the baggage and looked around, trying to escape the raw emotion in Cas's eyes. His fan was still sitting at her table, still tapping vigorously at her phone. A friend had joined her -- a friend whose phone was angled suspiciously in their direction.

He kept his gaze moving, finished looking around the small shop and then back to Cas.

"So, not a big deal, but I think that girl is filming us. Don't look!" he added a Cas inevitably started to turn his head.

"Okay, and ... ?" He followed Dean's lead and started tidying up.

"Well, best case, she and her friend just want some candid footage of me for their personal use. Less great would be if they're planning to share it out publicly."

"Is there a worst case here?"

"If they recognized you and are attaching your name to a livestream video."

"Why would they --?"

Dean almost laughed at the confusion on Cas's face. He stood up as he said, "You're news now, Cas. Just another way for me to screw your life up, I guess. We'd better get going any which way."

Cas stood as well and halted Dean with a hand to his shoulder. Dean turned, stepping to the side to make sure he was between the camera and Cas.

"Dean, the past few weeks have been interesting, and sometimes inconvenient, but it hasn't 'screwed up' anything for me."

"If it gets out that we've seen each other again, it's a whole new ballgame, Cas. Let's go."

He let Cas lead the way to the door, trying to keep him as hidden as possible, and wishing he was a big enough man not to be mentally drooling over Cas's ass.

The bell rang as Cas opened the door and stepped through. Dean was close enough on his heels that he nearly slammed his nose into Cas's skull when he stopped abruptly. Dean looked around as Cas murmured, "I guess it was a live feed after all."

"Well, well, if it isn't Dr. Castiel Novak. And who's he with? Oh, it's the famous Dean Winchester."

From the small crowd of fans and photographers stepped the last person Dean wanted to see at that moment.

"Bela."

(now concluded in Part 6)

Author’s Note: So there was a version where this was the last part -- they met, talked, came to some kind of agreement, and end happily ever after. Then the fan had a friend who had a phone, and Bela just couldn’t stay away, and now I’m not entirely sure where it goes next, so.... fingers crossed that inspiration strikes! Also, I need to work on the next part of my AO3 WIP -- that’s been sitting for months :(

#spn #fanfic #destiel #castiel #dean winchester #discussions of infidelity #alastair #sam winchester #alastair's mind games #bela talbot #ani's fanfic #s:fdff

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lepus-arcticus · 7 years ago

Note

how did you begin writing as a career? like what are the steps you took?

I’m gonna put this under a cut, because it turned out to be long as hell. Sorry to everyone on mobile!

1. Pursue an absolutely useless, albeit interesting, post-secondary education

2. Watch as all your friends get their lives together while you’re still studying ancient literary Tibetan to round out your religious studies minor

3. Graduate, and instead of pursuing your masters degree, as was the original plan, get hired to host community groups at your local orchestra4. Fight with musicians and colleagues. Cry all the time at work. Dream about burning the concert hall down every day. Dream about jumping out of the window. Take up smoking in secret. Gain a really unhealthy amount of weight. Do this for around three years5. Begin writing a blog during this time, because you want to be admired from a distance without having to emotionally engage with anyone on an interpersonal level and blogging is a Great Way to Do That6. Become really obsessed with the image you project to the world and obsessively curate your instagram feed and your tumblr blog. Which will kind of work for a while7. Take a few writing classes and actually begin to fall in love with authentic storytelling instead of just aping popular bloggers. Somehow convince your writing instructor to actively mentor you in exchange for headshots and other photography services. Accidentally become really good friends8. Actually begin to start being vulnerable and honest and trusting your own voice. Be surprised when people really respond to that. Grow your blog readership past anything you felt you were capable of. 9. Get an upwork account and start blogging for other people, even though upwork is terrible. 10. But hey now you have a bit of a portfolio and relationships with employers! Pitch a few stories to magazines and blogs. Annoy an editor you like for almost a year until they finally cave and let you write an article for their popular publication. This is supposed to be your ‘big break’, and you will spend weeks utterly disappointed and pissy and petulant when money and fame and consistent work don’t fall into your lap once the initial thrill of it is over11. Work and write for free a lot of the time, even though you know you shouldn’t, because if you have to work in that windowless, ghost-ridden concert hall for very much longer you’re going to Lose It. Work all day and then come home and work all night. Try to soothe pissed-off friends who miss you12. Get married to someone who is generous and kind and self-sacrificing and offers to financially support you while you get your shit together because they want to see you happy and thriving and doing something that fulfills you13. Save every penny for six months. Quit your arts job. Quit smoking. Endure countless eyerolls and concerned messages from friends and family. Endure poorly-veiled ridicule from former colleagues. Get called a housewife a lot14. Make only enough money in the first year of freelancing to cover your cell phone bill and your student loan payments. Rely on your partner for rent and groceries. Don’t go on vacation, don’t go out with friends, don’t buy any clothing or books or non-essentials for a very long time. No more 7 dollar bath bombs from Lush. Constantly second-guess yourself. Watch your friends and siblings buy houses and have babies while you get paid $0.43 to figure out 10 ways to eat almond butter15. Say yes to things even though you’re scared shitless and constantly battling impostor syndrome. Fail a lot. Win sometimes. Pretend you’re a functioning adult in your professional emails. Get really nice business cards (I mean it). Start to make enough money to begin to contribute to the household expenses again. Build relationships with editors, do your best work always, keep regular office hours, guard your down time, write fanfic and teach workshops to keep yourself sane. Take the boring and scary and mundane assignments along with the fun and easy and exciting ones. I’m still figuring things out, obviously. Writing for a living is anything but glamorous or cool - people think it’s easy, and they underestimate how hard I work, how punishing it can be. They think I sit at home on my ass eating bonbons while my husband goes out and works all day. They attribute what success I do have to talent, instead of hard work and perseverance. I just spent probably around 15 hours researching and writing an article I’m getting paid $50 for. My carpal tunnel syndrome is brutal. But it’s all totally worth it to do something that I actually enjoy doing, and to do it on my own terms. If you wanna DM me, I’d be happy to answer any specific questions or just chat about writing in general!

#long post #about Leigh #writing #chattin

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olmopress · 5 years ago

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Episode III: The Return of Manovich

week 11: Vincent Miller, “Key Elements of Digital Media” / Lev Manovich, “The Language of New Media”, Principles of New Media: 2. Modularity, 4. Variability, 5. Transcoding

Today I am very Happy. Even if yesterday night AS Roma lost to some unpronounceable and unspellable German team. You know why? No, it’s not because I am going out why someone I like. And neither because I decided I want to try and go to a rage room once. None of these romantics things.

It’s because today, Hideo Kojima’s long-awaited and frankly strange-looking new game Death Stranding is out!

This is me being happy with the copy of the game I just bought from this pedantic guy at GameStop who really wanted to sell me their useless (and of course expensive) fidelity card. I do not fidelize. I do not permanently associate with the revolting logics of media capitalism. Btw yes that in the background is Patti Smith’s Horses signed by herself. I am so cool, I know. What can you do.

ANYWAYS

Why is this relevant? Well, for a number of reasons. First of all because a videogame is a digital object, a digital medium. So it’s important to us. Secondly, because the themes of this game are SOOOOOOO damn interesting and appropriate for what we are doing in this class.

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY

Because I decided to have yet another theme-based post. So Ladies, Gentlment, and all the other 7456 genders out there in the wide wild world, let me introduce you to this week’s issue of my blog, which will be entirely

VIDEOGAME-THEMED

Yes, I will. Sorry not sorry.

OK so as it is now customary I will skip Miller because I don’t like riassunti and synthesis and also I want to continue my honeymoon with Manovich.

Here’s me with my boy Lev.

Today we deal with the last three of Manovich’s Principles of New Media. Today I also want to be reader-friendly so I tell all of you from the start that I am going to explain briefly the principle and then pick an example, of course from some videogame. OK fellas? Ready to go.

Principle No. 2: Modularity

Well, modularity is quite easy. Manovich uses it to explain how digital objects are assembled through independent parts, which working on their own constitute the totality of the aforementioned object. A good example from videogames is the phenomenon of pop-up textures: that thing that happens when you’re playing a game in 3D graphics which uses real-time rendering, but optimization hasn’t been done well enough (or you’re just pushing the graphics beyond your hardware capabilities) and so you get some textures to be rendered with a delay. And this sucks because, well, it’s not very realistic and it makes you realize you’re just playing a videogame.

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:( this is extreme tho. Sometimes it’s just OK.

[Btw pop-up textures are essentially what Manovich is referring to at page 39 when he writes about “distancing” and “level of detail”]

Manovich refers to this also as the “fractal structure” of digital media, which very cool and very LSD-like. So, yeah, cool.

BUT EVEN COOLER THAN THIS

is how this made me think of Aristotle. Your friendly neighborhood Western-culture-generator philosopher loved to talk about how the whole of something is more than the sole value of its components. Which, in some ways, doesn’t really seem to apply completely to digital media.

SOMETHING TO REFLECT UPON

Oh. And I was also thinking that maybe, MAYBE

MAYBE

all this modularity in our daily lives is also affecting the way our minds work. Like we now struggle to create coherent, consistent (“hardwired” Manovich would say) arguments or chains of reasoning, but instead rely completely on modular frames of understanding. Like we now tend to see things as separate and independent from each other, and we have trouble in looking at the bigger picture.

“OF COURSE YOU MUST BE WRONG, WE’RE AS CAPABLE AS EVER IN UNDERSTANDING ISSUES IN THEIR TOTALITY. BUT NO KID CLIMATE CHANGE IS NOT REAL BECAUSE ADMITTING IT WOULD MEAN RECONSIDER THE PRIVILEGES I GREW UP AS EXPRESSIONS OF A POST-INDUSTRIAL COLONIAL SYSTEM OF EXPLOITATION YESTERDAY SNOWED IN BERGAMO SO NO TROUBLE”

But let us not be distracted by such irrelevant issues.

Principle No. 4: Variability

Now this is obvious but still so cool. However, the question of variability is so multifaceted and complex that is difficult to pin it down to a single definition. I’ll try my best, though. I would say that

the concept of variability refers to all the ways in which digital objects can be modified, altered, or updated at the source of their distribution.

That is, without having to physically change anything. The only thing that variability needs is some form of the refresh button. It is a sort of physically invisible mutation, a “liquid” transformation, as Manovich says. And of course this has to do with Numerical Representation, Modularity, and Automation.

Before getting into the real interesting stuff about variability, Manovich makes seven examples. A couple of them will help grasp the concept better. So yeah, example three reads like this:

“Information about the user can be used by a computer program to customize automatically the media composition as well as to create elements themselves” (37)

In that unfortunately incomplete masterpiece that Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain is, you get to play as badass Venom Snake aka (sort of...) Big Boss, a super amazing and incredibly skilled soldier who has to infiltrate military compounds and all sorts of other infiltrable things between Afghanistan and Zaire around the mid-80s. In this game, you can decide what kind of equipment to bring with you, and approach the mission the way you like best. You can bring big-ass noisy weapons and just have a crazy battles, you can use assault rifles of sniper guns with silencers and be very quiet, and you can also use guns with tranquilizers so that you don’t kill anybody. You just put them to sleep.

Now, the cool thing about it is that the more you progress in the game, the more enemy soldiers will adjust to your playing stile. For instance, I remember using only tranquilizers with pistols and sniper rifles. So I would get lots of headshots, because when you headshot someone, he instantly falls asleep. After a few missions, most of my enemies adapted and started wearing helmets! So it was much harder for me to get those headshots.

See? This is an example of automation and variability.

There is also of course example number six. The one about periodical updates. Again, for anybody who ever played a videogame online, this is usual business.

I remember I once was thirteen. Yeah I know that’s hard to imagine, but for a moment just please bear with me. When I was thirteen I was very much into multiplayer FPSs. At that time particular, me and my friends would spend entire days on Call of Duty: Black Ops. Now, the online multiplayer was constantly updated and amended, so that if someone discovered that a certain build for a weapon made that weapon totally over-powered and impossible to play against, the guys at Activision would correct the flaw and balanced the game again. But variability in the game also occurred when DLCs were released: new maps, new weapons, new elements would ‘enter’ the world of the online game and of course alter it. It was cool, really. Cause the game evolved throughout the season. But the you had to buy the new one and spend other money and start back again and… really, can we just say fuck capitalism? That game could have lasted decades. Damn.

ANYWAY

By far the most interesting thing to me came at page 40, when Manovich discusses variability in terms of interactivity and hypermedia. In particular, he distinguishes between two ‘versions’ of interactivity.

Open interactivity: an interactive object “in which both the elements and the structure of the whole object are either modified or generated on the fly in response to the user’s interaction with a program.” (40)

Closed interactivity: an interactive object “that uses fixed elements arranged in a fixed braching structure” (40) and therefore on which users have only ‘liberty of order’. That is, they can only choose in which order to interact with the elements.

Now, try to follow me for a second. I think this distinction opens up one possibility of categorizing videogames. But we need to add one more category. We have

Linear games (Super Mario, the first Metal Gear Solid, Resident Evil 4…) which display a ‘limited’, ‘scripted’ interactivity. That is: you have to follow the path that has been chosen for you by the developers. You cannot decide in which order to do things. You go ahead with the game – interact with it, sure, but you basically witness the story unfold in front of your eyes passively.

Open world games (GTA, Spiderman, Pokémon games…), which essentially function on a principle of closed interactivity. You’re free to roam around and do whatever you want, to choose your own ‘order of interaction’ with the elements on the map, but you cannot act on the storyline, which is still linear and scripted for you. The story doesn’t change, no matter what you do inside or outside of the main missions.

pure RPGs (Fallout 4, Final Fantasy, Skyrim, Mass Effect…) which instead function on a principle of open interactivity. Your choices inform the way in which the game unfolds in terms of story, world, and sometimes even gameplay. The interaction is open because it allows to be formed in response to what the player does.

I should totally write a narratology of videogames.

I’ve already written a lot and I want to get to the last principle, but

I NEED

to point out something that comes around the end of page 41. Ready? So Manovich writes:

“The principle of variability exemplifies how, historically, changes in media technologies are correlated with social change. If the logic of old media corresponded to the logic of industrial mass society, the logic of new media fits the logic of the postindustrial society, which values individuality over conformity. […] In this way new media technology acts as the most perfect realization of the utopia of an ideal society composed of unique individuals. New media objects assure users that their choices—and therefore, their underlying thoughts and desires—are unique, rather than preprogrammed and shared with others.” (41-2)

Now, I am not sure precisely where Manovich stands on this argument, but this definitely rang a bell for me.

HEY LEV, EVER HEARD OF A LAD CALLED PASOLINI?

Because yeah, digital media gave us this fantastic possibility of escaping omologation because anybody can see, read, do whatever they want without any authority providing them with univocal content.

But are we really sure this is the triumph of individuality? Couldn’t this be just a new, and much more subtle and devilish form of conformity?

My bro and spiritual-granddaddy PPP believed so. And you, he was writing in the early seventies – not long before being brutally killed by neo fascists with the complacency of the State a Roman kid in Ostia – and virtually all of his predictions are becoming a terrible reality. Because Pier Paolo believed the (back then) new consumer society (which let’s face it gave birth to digital media the way we know it today) was only a new, horrible, de-humanizing form of fascism.

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This is for anybody who understands a little italian and loves tragic heroes talking about the horrors of late capitalism on winter beaches.

BUT WE HAVE TO COME TO AN END, DON’T WE?

Principle No. 5: Transcoding

I’ll be very brief, this is easy. Manovich defines transcoding starting from the difference between the “cultural layer” (pretty much the visual, the interface) and the “computer layer” (basically code) of digital media. Using the example of videogames again, the cultural layer of a videogame is all that you see happening on the screen, while the computer layer is the code ‘behind’ it that makes it all happen in that way.

Fine, cool. Transcoding, Manovich says, happens everytime these two layers—these two languages, really—start to mix and mesh with each other.

The best example that I can come up with right now—and I am sorry if I can’t think of anything better but you know I have a graceful lady waiting for me, his date—has to do again with open world videogames.

SO HERE’S THE THING, I THINK

Open world videogames emerged and became the next big thing of gaming when the internet was already a big thing. And there’s a reason for that. It’s because the structure of an open world mimics, in many ways, that of the WWW.

THINK ABOUT IT

An open world is somewhere were you can roam around (I want to say navigate so badly!) pretty much everywhere you want. Most of the times you can jump from one places to another, sometimes using a nice menu/database of possible locations (reminds you of anything? Hyperlinking? Search engines, anybody?). You can’t really create much, but you can see everything. Well, that to me sounds like WWW.

COULD IT BE LOVE? TRANSCODING?

I think it is, baby.

We’re sadly at the end of our ride

But don’t be afraid!

THERE’S STILL ROOM FOR MUSIC AND VISUAL ARTS

Today we celebrate videogames, so what’s better than a collection of some classics in videogame music history? Enjoy.

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As for visuals, I want to come full circle. Hideo Kojima’s game have always been blessed with amazing character design and illustrations by his bro Yoji Shinkawa. Death Stranding is no exception. Except that there is an exception, because these times the characters are actors! Great actors! Like beautiful Lea Seydoux who I hope one day to marry. Or at least to hookup with, come on. Anyways, that’s beyond my point. I just wanted to introduce this beautiful promotional picture for Death Stranding.

It really is beautiful.

до свидания!

Image Sources: Parade, Pure Nintendo, Tech in Asia, GIPHY, Know Your Meme

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