#sorry for having cp.tsd on main ๐ญ unfortunately it kind of shapes every aspect of who i am currently fsdjgkl so it'll show up in things
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part of the reason (a big part. maybe the whole reason tbh idk LOL) why i think a lot about Gu.zma standing up for me and that sort of thing is bc it seems like in my real life (online and physical world) every time someone is cruel to me in a group setting, noooobody does anything. or if somebody says smth bad about ppl like me (whether that be irt queerness, indigeneity, neurodivergence, or smth as simple as personality traits) then everyone in the group just... seems to think its my responsibility to say smth. i feel like it always falls onto my shoulders for some reason to stand up for myself and/or ppl who are like me. and its so tiring and isolating ๐ญ (i think i have just had Really bad luck when it comes to ppl in my life sdfjkl my family is. obviously not good. and then friends have been few and far between, and the friends i have had have often not been very good)
so to have someone who would actually take on the responsibility to say something and have the difficult conversation w whoever is saying the unkind thing so that i can just... be safe and not have to struggle through that myself. is something that is very meaningful to me lol. it feels kind of unreal to think that anyone would do that for me, so i try to think abt Guz doing that for me to like,,, work thru any shame of Wanting that to happen in real life. bc if anyone does that irl, i want to be able to let them do it instead of (what i may very well do out of instinct) jumping in to tell them they dont have to do that for me bc "actually its okay, im fine and it isn't that big of a deal, it didnt rly bother me ahaha ^^;; you really dont have to do that for me, its probably best to just leave it alone bc i dont want any trouble, i dont want you getting into anything bc of me hahaha ^^;;;;"
#it rly doesnt help that a lot of my life i've just had to fawn to keep safe#so i haven't even had much practice at defending myself. i've defended other ppl plenty LOL but when it comes to me... a different story!#this is not a pity party btw this is not me going ''boohoo poor me'' fdsjkl i am just like. thinking aloud mostly#bc i feel guilty for indulging in thinking about Guz standing up for me or defending/protecting me from hurtful situations#but i'm realizing i think its just... bc i havent rly gotten that in real life? and i am trying to let myself want it#instead of being too scared of wanting help RIP. im trying to work thru the shame of that and let myself want it and enjoy the idea of it#even just feeling any kind of happiness or comfort at the idea of it is so shameful for me and !! it shouldnt be !!!#sorry for having cp.tsd on main ๐ญ unfortunately it kind of shapes every aspect of who i am currently fsdjgkl so it'll show up in things#and bc se.lfshipp.ing is so personal then it's gonna make appearances in this fdsjkl AS MUCH AS I WISH I COULD JUST HIDE IT FOREVER ;-;#dandy.cmd#vent //#i'll tag it as vent just in case though fdsjkl its somewhat a vent i suppose but mainly just bc it talks abt MH stuff
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