#sometimes the pregnant person's body will recognize this and cause a miscarriage

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

A couple of the nurses on my unit are doing a study on moral distress, so at least one shift a week they’ll pass out surveys to rank how morally distressed you’re feeling and why. Monday night was one such night (when I was caring for the very sick baby in my last post). I was very busy and barely had time to sit and chart for longer than 20mins at a stretch. The nurse came up to me at the end of the shift, “George, did you get a chance to fill out your survey?” She knew full well that I hadn’t.

Me, “Sure fucking didn’t.” and I handed back the blank survey to her. She just laughed and walked away with it. 

[hotcocoandmarshmallows]

Whatever Happens

Chapter title: So small

Word count: 1,090

Warnings: None

Notes: mpreg. Shout-out to SpectresWonderland for guessing it!

___________

It wasn't immediate.

When they first woke up, home in the little nest that they'd probably share for the rest of their time there, everything felt normal. The awkwardness was gone, only affection and care. The marks left were healing, Hotshot's heat seemed to have gone, and both were fully ready to start taking on life together.

Oscar left them alone, they got wolf whistled, and Race seemed sulky that he really would be the last one to be officially mated at this rate. 

But things just fell into routine for a few weeks. 

Life adjusted. Hotshot adapted to having a partner in crime, Kenny adapted to being the more cool headed of the two. They fit together better every day.

Slowly, though, Hotshot noticed things. His scent changed again, but he didn't know what it meant. He started feeling sick sometimes, to the point he actually would throw up. 

He had no idea what was going on. Kenny, as panicked as his mate, took to the library to read up on his symptoms. He was scared that it might have been something deadly.

Instead it was quite the opposite. 

Hotshot was laid up in bed again because of his stomach pains. He was resting, hoping they'd go away, when his scared mate anxiously opened the curtain. 

"I found what's wrong." He said nervously, blue eyes filled with guilt. "And… It's not going to get any better. It's probably just going to get worse." He opened the book to the page he'd dog eared. 

Hotshot read one word. 'Pregnancy'. He felt sick. But not in the way he guessed was morning sickness. He was pregnant. There was a tiny person in him. Another mouth to feed, a body to keep warm, a life to nurture and raise in this world. 

Kenny panicked and tried to calm him down. "Hey, hey it's gonna be okay. I'll find a better job, we'll get our own place. We have time, we can get on our feet by the time the baby comes."

Hotshot looked at him like he was crazy. "You're Irish! No one's going to hire you, you've seen those signs! And I won't be able to work, it's just going to be you!" He was panicking. They weren't ready to be parents! He definitely wasn't  ready. He didn't want a child. And now?! With winter coming and the temperature dropping? They didn't have an apartment! A place they could raise a child!

Kenny started panicking worse for Hotshot. He'd read that stress could cause a miscarriage. And those, he knew from experience, could be deadly. "Hey, it's okay. I'm almost 17, I can get a job in a factory, or with the mail. You won't have to worry, we'll work this out."

His words had no effect on the worrying. "We can't even stay here anymore! We'll be homeless! Homeless, pregnant, and it's almost winter!" Desperately ideas filled his head. He almost started crying. He was already attached to the tiny thing inside him. But why couldn't it have come at a better time? When they were older? When they could take care of a baby? They could never give it or any future kids a good start if they had kids now!

Kenny hugged him. "It's going to be okay. We can stay with Jack. He, Kath and Crutchie have a place. We can ask to stay with them until we get our own." He gently brushed the tears away. "We'll get through this. I promise you, we will."

That was how they stole away into the cold October night. Scared and far too young. 

And how they ended up at Kathrine Pulitzer-Kelly-Morris' doorstep. She was shocked by who was on her doorstep. She recognized the boys, she'd seen them during the strike and her occasional visits to the lodging house with Jack and Crutchie. But now they looked like they were planning to up and leave the state. "Um… What's with all the bags?

Hotshot stared up at her with a dead eyed stare. “I’m pregnant, and we can’t stay at the lodging house anymore.” His voice was weak. He seemed weak. 

Kath went into mama mode. “Inside, now. Both of you. You can stay on the couch." She'd put them up as long as they needed, she knew her boys wouldn't mind. And Crutchie would probably appreciate someone to complain about pregnancy to who would actually understand. 

They looked so grateful she almost adopted them there and then. She set up the couch as a bed, planning to inform Jack when he got home from work and Crutchie when he woke from his nap.

Hotshot curled up on the side furthest from the door. She could smell the stress from across the room. Remembering what had happened to her own mother, she felt for these two.

They were painfully unprepared. But hopefully, they'd prepare themselves before their nine months were up. 

Kenny covered Hotshot with a blanket and kissed his cheek. "I'll go out and look now, you stay here and rest." He'd scour the entire city for a job to support his newly growing family. 

He was painfully aware of how unlikely it was that they'd make it. But he had to try. So out he went to find good, steady work at near 17. 

Everywhere he asked, everywhere he tried, he seemed to get thinly veiled variations of the same answer. Or just the plain signs in the windows. 'No Irish Need Apply'.

Until finally, finally, he found somewhere. The post office was looking for carriers. He could do that. Walking around the city was no trouble, he'd always done it. He desperately begged them to let him try. 

By some miracle, they agreed. And since they really needed someone to cover the area, Kenny was to start that day with minimal training. 

He didn't get home till late, and his feet ached for the first time in years. But he was grinning. He'd earned a whole bunch of money by this one day! And paydays were Fridays, he'd get Sundays off, and he was truely set! They could do this!

He didn't register the stress that seeped from every person in the room. "I got a job!" He yelled excitedly.

Immediately, the blanket that covered Hotshot moved until his head was exposed. "You did?!"

Kenny sat down next to him and hugged him. "We'll be on our feet in at most a few months!" He exclaimed. "After that it should be smooth sailing!"

It wasn't.

__________

Tag list:

@tellthosewithpowersafeintower

@scalylittlefriends

@pineappapizza

@awkwardstranger98

@brooklynbadbois

@pay-back-with-some-payback

[tdyk-rp]

It's commonly believed that witches created the original werewolf. For those who do believe in this origin story, they know that the first witch to create the first werewolf wasn't seeking to create a loyal companion such as man's best friend. The werewolf had been made to punish a human; cursed to live with a condition that painfully transforms them into a wild, bloodthirsty beast on a full moon that takes the appearance, traits, and abilities of a wolf. Not all werewolves were a result of a witch’s hex. Instead, some were born with the curse, or survived the bite of a werewolf. Regardless of how they came to be, every werewolf experiences excruciating pain every time they shift, regardless whether or not it is on the full moon or not.  

{ appearance }

Their human forms come in all shapes and sizes, while their wolf forms are known for having strictly yellow eyes and weigh anywhere between 800 to 1,000 pounds. At the shoulder, they can range anywhere between 4'5'' to 5'5'' in height. Their appearance looks similar to the Northwestern wolf, with pelt colours coming in shades of white, grey, black, tan, and red. Aside from their large size and dense muscle mass, werewolves are incredibly fast, strong, and resilient.   Werewolves have a pack mentality and a strong desire to be with their own kind. They do not work on an ‘alpha, beta, and omega’ system as some might assume, but instead have a family dynamic, even when packs are made up of unrelated members, with typically one or two wolves taking the parental roles or one member becoming the patriarch/matriarch while others make up other family members within the pack. Decisions within the pack are not typically decided by one member, but are usually made collectively in the group.

{ abilities }

ABILITY MIMICRY: while in their canine forms, werewolves adopt their wolf forms abilities as well, such as: strengths, enhanced senses, and abilities to navigate in darkness. Their sense of smell is a hundred times stronger than a humans while in their canine forms, allowing them to pick up scents from a couple of kilometers away with ease. in their canine forms, werewolves are the strongest and fastest species.   GROUP TELEPATHY: werewolves are able to communicate telepathically to one another while in their canine forms as well as granting them the ability to share coherent thoughts and imagery with one another through a mental link.      MID-FORM:

note: this is an exclusive ability that can be purchased in the point shop.

with practice, some werewolves are able to perform what is known as a ‘midshift’, which allows them to shift just partially in order to gain the abilities of their canine shift, such has strength, smell, sight, etc. While in midform, their human features will take on wolf-like qualities, such as their teeth will sharpen and enlarge, their hands will turn into claws, and so on. Their midform is not as painful as a full transformation, but still uncomfortable. They are able to revert back into their human forms quickly if needed.      ENHANCED SPEED & STRENGTH: Even while in human form, werewolves are strong, fast, and very durable, making them difficult to push around unless you know what you’re doing. 

REGENATIVE DURABILITY: 

Alongside vampires, werewolves have the fastest healing rate of all supernatural creatures. Regardless of how severe an injury is, werewolves will always recover from them at an incredibly fast rate, rarely leaving scar tissue behind. of course, there are some injuries too critical to heal, but for the most part they are resilient creatures. 

{ weaknesses }

FULL MOON: 

Regardless of the weather, werewolves must shift during the full moon. The shifting process is extremely painful and not instant, though werewolves who are born one or have been one for many years seem to transform quicker in comparison to those who are newly turned/hexed.

Werewolves also find that the week that works up towards the full moon is an uncomfortable time; their tempers tend to flare, they find themselves more anxious, more irritable, and sometimes more promiscuous. Werewolves cannot avoid shifting under the full moon. Resisting to shift will have adverse effects on their health and will lead to death if they do not succumb to the change. It’s best to avoid a werewolf under a full moon as they are hostile and often on the hunt; craving to satisfy an insatiable hunger. they cannot be reasoned with during the full moon and can attack those they care about without having any recollection of it the next day. note: female werewolves can resist the urge to shift under the full moon when pregnant, but it is still extremely difficult and often leaves them ill and weak. many seek out aid from witches in order to make the night a little easier during the full moon.     SILVER: werewolves have a severe allergy to silver, causing their skin to blister and burn if they come into contact with it. consuming anything with silver will immediately make them fall ill and can even lead to death. wounds and illnesses caused by silver have a slower healing rate time compared to other injuries.  

OTHER WEREWOLVES:

A bite or scratch from another werewolf tends to take longer to heal than any other wound inflicted on a werewolf.  

{ MISC. INFORMATION }

MATURITY:

Those that are born werewolves will have their first shift around the ages of 14-18. If they have a pack during this time, they are usually mentored through their first shift; given lots of support and information on what their first transformation might feel like and what to expect afterwards. 

CREATION:

Only humans can be turned into werewolves. Werewolves can be created by being bitten, or hexed. Those who are hexed are a result of crossing with a powerful witch (often a necromancer) who placed the curse on them. The curse is associated with ancient magic that most witches have forgotten, thus it's rare. The curse can never be reversed and they will have their first transformation under the upcoming full moon. Those who are bitten are usually a result of being attacked by one werewolf or more, typically on the full moon while they are in their frenzied hunting state of mind.

They only become infected with the curse if the werewolf who has bitten them are in their canine form. Biting them in their human or mid-shift form does nothing other than damage. Once they are bitten, their body will begin to undergo a change that builds up until the next full moon. If they are maimed badly during the attack and survive, their body will immediately begin to heal itself rapidly. However, they will begin to feel symptoms similar to a venomous bite such as pain around the bite(s), swelling, muscle cramping, headaches, nausea and vomiting, difficulty breathing, blistering around the wound(s), etc.

These side effects will continue to worsen up until their first transformation. Many people do not survive the transformation and often die from the pain and side effects. those that do survive their transformation will find that their first shift under the full moon they do not recall who they are and act on their animal instincts. they will not recognize those who are close to them and cannot understand speech, thus it is recommended for others to stay away from them otherwise they risk being attacked and possibly killed. Being born a werewolf is rare as carrying a child to term for werewolves is difficult. When a pregnant werewolf shifts, they will miscarry their offspring regardless how far along they are. In order to carry a child to term, the mother must resist shifting under the full moon in order to avoid miscarriage. This can be extremely stressful on the body and many mothers are unable to resist the urge to shift. Many born-werewolves see their birth as a sign of strength in their bloodlines and some even consider themselves superior to those who were hexed or bitten.     LIFESPAN: It is believed that the first werewolf was hexed by a witch who damned them into turning into a beast for as long as she lived. All werewolves whether bitten, born, or hexed have a lifespan of around a 200 years, matching the lifespan of the average witch.     REPRODUCTION: Werewolves can reproduce with any creature with the exception of vampires. Their pregnancies usually last 9 months. It is more common for female werewolves to carry twins in comparison to humans.      THE PULL: Sometimes, werewolves can experience a phenomena referred to as 'the pull', which is when a werewolf forms a psychic link with another creature. this connection is often described as a werewolf feeling as though they are being 'called' to that person. despite how close or estranged they are to this person, they are drawn to them for explainable reasons that make them feel compelled to be with them, protect them, and support them in life. the energy around this person is said to be different than anyone else's, making it nearly impossible for a werewolf to ignore which is often why it's referred to as 'the pull'.

initially when the connection is made, it's merely feeling what is described above, but quickly the connection between the two grows and develops, granting the werewolf and the person they are connected to some abilities. this psychic connect includes being able to sort of 'step into' the other person's body in a sense where they can briefly feel, see, and experience what the other person is seeing. As well, werewolves can 'visit' their connection, which allows them to stand beside the other person as though they were there in person. However, it is merely a psychic connection, and thus no one other than the two can see and speak with one another while this is happening. Additionally, the pair are able to exchange knowledge and skills with one another briefly while they are visiting or 'stepping into' one another's bodies including languages, memories, and physical abilities such as dancing and fighting. these abilities are usually triggered by something causing the other person's emotions to peak regardless whether it's fear, anger, sadness, happiness, etc etc... neither of them can summon the other unless these two are both werewolves who have been 'pulled' together. werewolves always have a stronger connection than one made between a werewolf and another species, allowing them to use these abilities whenever rather than it spontaneously happening via emotions. werewolves can experience 'the pull' with humans, other werewolves, sirens, faeries, vampires, and witches. how 'the pull' occurs is still debated among werewolves as it can happen spontaneously between strangers, friends, siblings, lovers, and any other kind of relationship. it's said that a werewolf can only be connected to one person, but there have been reported incidences where a werewolf feels 'the pull' between two people (note: members can purchase 'the pull pass' in the point shop if they'd like to! otherwise we will not accept characters who are bonded with two people). like a familiar's connection to a witch, if one of the two people within 'the pull' die, they will experience an indescribable pain that sometimes can even result in death and will often feel as though they are missing a part of themselves afterwards.      

{ THE SILVERSIDE PACK }

they're aware of the irony of having one of their greatest weaknesses in their name, but don't assume you can take the pack lightly because of it.<P>

while their history may not be as long and intricate as the morrison nest or the blackwood coven, the silverside pack has certainly made an impression on the town that is distinct from the other groups.

for the longest time, lycanthropy was considered a 'disease' of sorts among the supernatural community. werewolves were treated with disdain; viewed as 'lesser' than other groups and a danger to themselves and others because of their compulsion to transform under the full moon. as a result, werewolves were faced with many restrictions in dismal that treated them like second class citizens. in the past 40 years, the pack have made huge accomplishments to educate the other communities and demand for equal rights. as a result of the scrutiny they faced, the pack have learned to rely on their own kind and seldom seek help from others. fiercely independent, the pack doesn't allow the other species to interfere with pack business and govern themselves. while they abide by the town's rules, the pack also deals with their own kind privately, keeping law enforcement out when one of them finds themselves in trouble. additionally, they even have their own infirmary located in prairiewood to allow their kind to heal without any involvement of the other groups. they're extremely devoted to each other and have an heavy emphasis on being a pack with a strong front.

however some would argue their beliefs and practices can be 'barbaric' at times, especially their initiation for new members. all new members are required to pass what is known as the 'no omegas left' test. it's controversial within the pack and labeled as out of date, but the idea is at midnight, all members of the pack including the new comers shift into their canine forms. the new recruit is given a head start to run through the forests located in prairiewood and the rest of pack follows shortly after. pack members then proceed to attack the recruit as they attempt to make it out of the forest. they have to fight tooth and nail to get through the others, resisting defeat and escaping death. if they make it out, they're considered part of the pack. those who perish or call it quits during the test are rejected from the pack and labeled an 'omega'.

[mollyshaj]

17.

Ebony

“Oh my God,” I smiled looking at one of the pictures that came back from my first photo shoot. Here I was in Veronica’s office for a meeting and she pulled some of my pictures up. I was wearing a brown one piece bathing suit. I almost didn’t recognize myself; I know I’m far from ugly but I felt like I was looking at a different person.

“I told you; you killed it.” Veronica said with a smile on her face.

“So now what?”

“Well the swim suit you were wearing is from a small online boutique. They love the pictures and they’re going to use them. You my dear are going to be getting paid and getting some exposure. I’m going to send your head shots to some more clothing lines and designers. I do need you to come out with me tonight.”

“Go out where?”

“It’s a big party in New York at Club Royalty and they’re requesting some lovely models to attend. You are one of them.”

“Okay, so I go out and do what? What does somebody buying out the bar have to do with models?”

“It’s a big party, a very important party that a lot of heavy hitters are going to be at. I’m not talking about simple guys like rappers or some shit, these are business men. Business men that love to have beautiful women promoting their brands. This is a good opportunity to meet the right people, and you need to start networking.”

“Okay,” I nodded letting her know I understood what she meant. “So what do I wear?”

“It’s a celebration so you need to be dressed in your best. Not a ball gown formal type of thing but I think you get what I mean. Wear whatever you want but keep in mind that a lot of eyes are going to be on you. It’s up to you to figure out what kind of image you want to put out there.There is a really big difference between selling confidence and selling sex. If you don’t want people requesting you to have your ass out, I would advise you to not come there with your ass out.”

“I get what you mean,”

“Good, I’ll have a car come to your house at 10:30.”

“Alright, well I’ll see you later. I have to go get this head of mine correct.”

“Okay, see you later.” I grabbed my purse then walked out of the office. When I got to the elevator I looked to my left and saw Kaylin’s assistant standing there. He must’ve felt me looking at him because he turned my way with a smile.

“Hi, Ebony right?” He smirked.

“Yeah, how are you?”

“I’m good, just tired.” The elevator opened and we both got on. When the doors closed he glanced at me.

“I’m not trying to get too personal and please don’t say anything so I won’t lose my job; what exactly happened between you and Mr. King?”

“What makes you think something happened?”

“Mr. King hasn’t been in the office for more than a few hours once every couple of months, in years. After that time you’ve came and since you’ve been coming to meet with Veronica he’s been here every day…all day.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah; I’ve been working for him for a few years now and I’ve never seen him so pressed about anybody.”

"Wow, i don’t know what to say to that.”

“I don’t mean to throw you off and I hope you’re not going to be scared of him; I just think you should know that you’re not just somebody random. He’s not going to forget about you next week, you’re something to him because he’s acting way out of character.”

“Alright well thank you for telling me. I won’t snitch on you, but I heard everything you said.” I gave him a smile before the doors opened to his floor and he walked off.

Hearing that Kaylin was pretty much working his schedule around me didn’t freak me out at all. I was a little flattered actually; too bad I’m not going there with him. I just had to put hands on his baby mama the last time I saw him, I’m cool on that.

After leaving King Enterprises I drove to the hair salon then I went to Jas’s house so I could pick Jayden up. Since he’s on summer vacation it’s moving around and doing what I need to do is easier because Jas really isn’t doing too much either. She works from her house most of them time.

I sent a text to my mother letting her know I needed her to watch Jayden tonight and she acted stank at first but she said yes.

My plan was to pick Jayden up after getting my hair done, go to the movies and have dinner with him before we go home for the night. I try to spend as much time with Jayden as possible; I don’t know what Veronica has planned for me exactly but she’s already let me know that I will be busy a lot and even flying out for business. I don’t want my son to think I’m missing in action so I was going to make sure we got our time in together.

***

“If I didn’t bless you with one hell of a body.” My mother boasted when she came in my bedroom.

“Give yourself all the props right? I have nothing to do with this,” I laughed.

“Nope, who do you think you look like? Not your big head ass daddy, that’s for sure.” She took a seat on my bed rolling her eyes.

“Ma, are you okay?” Since my father’s been up here she’s been acting a little off, it’s like she’s always irritated or angry now. Knowing them they’re probably fucking around and he still has yet to drop Yesenia’s annoying ass. “You and dad are good right?”

“I’m fine; your dad just irks my nerves sometimes. It’s nothing for you to worry yourself about, it’s between me and him. You go out tonight and do what you have to do.”

“Okay,” I didn’t believe her but she was right about it being between them. I don’t feel like being in the middle of my parents. I’m leaving it alone.

“How do I look? I’m not trying to give off I sell pussy vibes.”

“You don’t, it’s very sexy but tasteful at the same time. I like it; I’m your mama you know I would tell you.”

“Good, thank you ma.”

“You’re welcome,” She got up and kissed my cheek then walked out.

Just as I was going to grab my phone it buzzed, notifying me of a text message.

Veronica: The car is outside. See you when you get here. Enjoy!

I put my phone in my purse, grabbed my keys then left out. When I opened my front door and walked outside I got confused as hell when I saw Kaylin leaning on the hood of a black Lamborghini. To say I was thrown off is an understatement. What the hell is he doing here and why is he driving a Lambo in New Jersey? That’s some LA, Miami type of shit.

“Um, Kaylin what are you doing here?” I asked when I got close enough to him.

“I’m your ride to the party.”

“You’re going to the party too? What happened to you not interfering in my business?”

“I’m not interfering in your business. This is a King Enterprises party.”

“Are you lying?”

“Nope,” he smiled. “Come on,” I walked to the passenger side and he opened the door for me. Once I was in and settled, he got in then pulled off soon after.

A good ten minutes of silence went by before I couldn’t take it anymore. “Kaylin what the hell is this about?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about you picking me up, Veronica not telling me this was basically your party and the fact that you’re doing all of this when you have a baby on the way. Let’s not forget I had to beat her ass the last time I was around you.”

“Alright well, I wanted to pick you up so I did arrange for that. Veronica not telling you has nothing to do with me, I didn’t tell her not to say anything about what the party was for. Brandi,” he let out a dark chuckle. “She’s nothing you need to worry about.”

“What does that mean? If she’s having a baby by you then she’s a problem.”

“She’s not having a baby,”

“What?”

He glanced my way before giving the road his attention again. “That bitch isn’t pregnant.”

“What the fuck? How do you know that? Did she lose it or something?” Now I was worried, I don’t like the bitch but I wasn’t trying to be the cause of a damn miscarriage.

“No, she was never pregnant. The bitch was lying the whole time.” I could see his grip on the staring wheel get tighter while his jaw clenched. I didn’t want him upset but God damn if he wasn’t fine as shit right now.

“Wait, what? How do you know that?”

“I called the doctor she’s been supposedly going to so I could find out her next appointment date, they didn’t even know who the fuck she was.The pregnancy test I watched her take was a fake, the sonograms she’s been showing me are fake,” he shook his head. “That bitch has been lying to me this whole time.”

“Wow. That’s fucked up.No offense but how did you not catch on to her lying? You never went with her to a doctor’s appointment or anything?”

“I should’ve, i said I was going to and never even did the shit. Once you weren’t fucking with me I just said fuck it.”

“Okay that was stupid.”

“Tell me about it.”

“You didn’t notice lack of weight being gained nothing?”

“Eb in order for me to realize that shit, I would have to pay attention to her ass and I try not to do that. if it wasn’t about Angelic I never really gave a fuck about what she talks about.”

“Seems to me like she used that to her advantage.I’m not telling you that you need to be the one to do it but she needs her ass beat, that’s some messed up shit.”

“I’m not worried about it right now; I know the truth that’s all that matters. I got something for her ass coming anyway.”

I nodded and was about to open my mouth to ask him something super personal but I didn’t want to overstep my bounds so I just shut my mouth.

“What?” He asked.

“What are you talking about?”

“You were about to say something? I saw you open your mouth then shut it real quick, what?”

“Nothing,” I shook my head quickly.

“Eb don’t do that; if you have something to say then do say it. I’m not going to get mad.”

“No you will get mad at what I was about to say and I don’t need you crashing this car. I don’t feel like dying today. ”

“Killing you would mean probably killing myself too and it aint never that deep for me; just say it Ebony,”

“Alright;” I took a deep breath “Are you sure Angelic is your daughter?”

“What?” He looked at me like I was stupid swerving in the process.

“See what the fuck I’m talking about, you’re in this fast ass car you better watch the damn road.”

“My bad.” He regained his composure. Thank God there wasn’t any cops around to see him swerve like that. A black man in an expensive car, driving erratically sounds like the set up to a hashtag and I don’t feel like dealing with that right now.

“You good?”

“Yeah I’m fine, why would you ask that? You don’t think she’s mine?”

“I asked because her mother is very questionable at this point. It’s one thing to lie and say you’re pregnant, that’s crazy in itself but getting a fake test, fake sonograms and anything else she was doing takes that shit to another level. If she’s willing to do that why wouldn’t she lie about something like a baby being yours? I’m not telling you to do a DNA test but, I’m just saying.”

Honestly I’ve been low key questioning Angelic’s paternity since the day he showed me pictures of her. She looks nothing like him; that’s not saying a lot because a lot of daughters take after their mother but that little girl doesn’t look like Brandi either.

Kaylin, his mama and his sister are all light bright, Brandi is brown skin but she isn’t that dark. Angelic is damn near my complexion; I know Black comes in all kinds of shades no matter the complexion of the parents and DNA sometimes but my common sense tells me she isn’t his baby.

I wasn’t going to say anything because it isn’t my place and that’s not an easy conversation to have with somebody. No man wants to hear that the child they’ve raised and grown to love for years doesn’t belong to them.

When he didn’t say anything I sighed. “Forget I said that, it wasn’t my place.” He glanced my way then put his eyes back on the road. From the look on his face he was thinking about what I said and he wasn’t happy with the thoughts running through his mind.

“You’re good, don’t worry about it.” He said his voice slightly above a mumble.

“Can I turn the radio on?” I asked him. I wanted to break this tension and the silence wasn’t helping. He reached over and turned it on. Kanye West’s song Mercy came through the speakers and I was grateful I didn’t have to sit in that awkward silence anymore.

A few minutes went by before I felt him grab my hand and hold on to it. Part of me was telling me to snatch away but I just let it ride. What’s the point in doing that right now? I probably have this man questioning the daughter he’s raised for six years, the hand. The least I could do is let him hold my hand.

“Have I told you how good you look?” He asked, finally breaking the silence between us.

“No, but I guess that’s your version of saying it so thank you.” I chuckled.

“Nice outfit, I like the way you put that together.”

“Well you bought it so thank you again.”

When Kaylin took me shopping before his cousin’s birthday party some months back, I racked up. The man said I didn’t have a limit so I got as much as he let me; 95% of it was designer and expensive as hell. Jayden and I weren’t shopping at Good will we were doing well as far as clothes but we weren’t covered in labels. I’m grateful for what Kaylin did because I damn sure couldn’t afford the things he got me that day. I wasn’t going to be shy about wearing it either.

“You’re welcome Hersh.”

“I’m Hersh again?”

“That’s really up to you.”

A smile wanted to break out on my face but I hid that shit. “We’ll talk about that another time.”

“I’m looking forward to it.” He smirked then lodged his bottom lip between his teeth. Shaking my head I turn my attention to the window. I’m not even about to do this shit with him.

When we finally pulled up to the club it was like mayhem outside. The line to get in was damn near around the block and it looked as if the people who couldn’t get in started their own party out here.

“What is this for?” I asked Kaylin.

“Celebration, we’ve been in business for 20 years and we do it pretty big for things like this. Plus, I figured why not the grand opening and our anniversary party, at the same time. Kill two birds with one stone.

“So this club is new? You just opened a new damn club?”

“Pretty much,” he shrugged then hopped out of the car. He walked around then came over to my side opening the mine and helping me out.

“You’re going to leave your car, right here?” I asked him.

“Nah,” he handed his keys to one of the guys standing out front and they went over and hopped in. “Come on,”

Grabbing my hand he led me inside of the club. There were two floors and it was packed like crazy. We went over to what I assumed was the VIP section. The first person I saw was Veronica who got up and came over to me as soon as we walked up.

“You look great,” She complimented me.

“Thank you; why didn’t you tell me this was Kaylin’s party?”

“It’s not Kaylin’s party, it’s the companies but I didn’t think it was important. I do need to introduce you to some people so,” She tapped Kay’s hand so he let me go. “Thank you, come on Ebony.” Veronica pulled me away and brought me over to another VIP table.

For about two hours Veronica introduced me to so many people I couldn’t even remember all of their names. She’s serious about her business and she damn sure knows a lot of people. If all of these connections can turn into a check for me, it’ll all be worth it.

“You can mingle on your own now, just have a good time and be mindful of the impression you leave on people.”

“Alright I got you,” I told her before walking off to find Kaylin since he was the only person I knew like that.

“Ebony!” Hearing my name being shouted I turned around and saw Alex waving at me. I waved back then he motioned for me to come over to him. I didn’t have shit else to do really so I went over.

“Hi, are you sitting over here alone?”

“Yeah pretty much, I just got here.” He answered me. I sat next to him then waved one of the waitresses over. I had yet to even have a drink and I needed one to make it through this damn party.

Before I could even say what I wanted she put her hand up then smiled. “Mr. King has already told everybody anything you want is on him tonight so you can order whatever you like.”

I looked at Alex who shrugged his shoulders. I turned to the waitress with a smile. “Okay well can we get a bottle of Cîroc, ice and all that good stuff please.”

“You sure can, I’ll be right back.” She walked off then I looked at Alex again.

“I told you he likes you, he doesn’t do that often.”

“I know,” I chuckled.  

Kaylin isn’t a stingy individual and he has more than enough to share but I do notice that he doesn’t spend money on stupid shit. When it comes to me though he acts like money isn’t an object. If I let him have it his way he would’ve had me moved out of my apartment into a bigger space with a new car two weeks into us hanging out.  It can be annoying because I don’t need him to lead with his money but I’m not going to complain about it either. If he wants to let me get bottles on top of bottles at his expense then fuck it.

The waitress bought the bottle to the table and I sat there with Alex for a good minute drinking, talking and laughing. For some reason I thought he was going to be a stiff but he’s cool as hell and had me cracking up.

“Rashad’s girlfriend is so pretty,” Alex said randomly.

“Who?” I asked, thinking I heard him wrong.

“Rashad Carter, Kaylin’s friend. He comes by the office sometimes. He bought his girlfriend there the other day and she is so damn beautiful, a tall milk chocolate goddess.”

“She’s thick as hell?”

“Yasss, her body is everything. Do you know her?”

“Yeah she’s one of my best friends.”

“Well there she is,” he pointed across the section and there was Nicole sitting next to Rashad looking through her phone while he talked to Kaylin. My girl looked bored as hell and I know it’s because she doesn’t know anybody. I pulled my phone out and sent her a text message.

I’m guessing she received it because she looked up, looked around then her eyes landed on me. She tapped Rashad telling him something before getting up and coming over to me.

“I didn’t know you were here. Kaylin didn’t even say anything.” Nicole said when she sat down.

“This is the event Veronica had for me; I didn’t know it was his party.” I told her.

“Okay, well I’m glad you’re here because I was bored as shit.”

“I probably would be too if it wasn’t for this one.” I pointed to Alex. “This is Alex, Alex is this Nicole.”

“Hi, you are fucking gorgeous.” He told her and she laughed.

“Thank you,” Nicole got a drink then fell right into the conversation like she’s been sitting there the entire time.

“That’s my shit! Come on,” Nicole shouted out of nowhere grabbing my arm just because they threw on an old ass Big Sean and Nicki Minaj record.

“Girl, you go down there and dance. I don’t feel like it.”

“If you don’t bring your ass down to this dance floor I will hurt you.” She grabbed me again successfully pulling me up from my seat.

“Alright damn, you get on my nerves.” We went down to the dance floor and despite my complaining right before; I was having a damn good time on the dance floor.

Kaylin

“I see you staring at shorty; you better go at that before some other nigga does.” Rashad said after he walked up to me.

“Every nigga in this muthafucka saw her walk in with me, if they wanna stay in one piece they better back the fuck up.”

“So you’re about to cock block basically. She’s not even about to go there with you? You forget she had to whoop Brandi’s ass not too long ago?”

“Brandi isn't even a factor. Fuck that bitch.” I griped, taking a swing from the Henny bottle in my hand.

“I wanna know what the energy is about but not right now. Fuck it, and fuck what you're doing I’m going to get mine.” He patted my shoulder then walked down to the dance floor to get Nicole.

When Nicole and Rashad walked off Ebony was right behind them.

Bottle in hand I walked over to the entrance of the section grabbing Ebony’s hand. She looked at me confused but I motioned for her to follow me.

I led her up to the office closing the door after we both walked in.

“This is nice. This whole club is really nice Kaylin, good job.”

“Thank you.” I smiled.

“You're welcome,” she smiled back. “So why did you bring me up here?”

“I just wanted to talk to you for a minute.” I leaned on my desk facing her.

“This is a business night Kay,”

“Man fuck all that, I wanna discuss this shit now.”

“Discuss what? Big bird lying about being pregnant doesn't mean anything. That bitch is still in the picture. If she's willing to lie about being pregnant she's crazy enough to do some other shit too. I don't need the damn drama.”

“It's not going to be any drama, I promise you that.”

“How? She's the mother of your child she isn't going anywhere.”

“Might be, that's what you said earlier right?”

“Kaylin, that wasn't for you to take serious.”

“What made you say it?” Honestly I haven't been able to get what Ebony said out of my mind.

I never questioned Angelic’s paternity; I never believed I had a reason too. No she wasn't my complexion but she had dimples just like me and Kai. Brandi grew up in foster care so who knows what's in her genetic background. Ebony bringing that up really fucked me up because she isn't the type to say something like that for no reason.

“That doesn't even matter. Don't question the daughter you've raised for six years just because of some shit I said.”

“You wouldn't say some shit like that for no reason.”

“So?”

“So tell me why you said it.”

“Alright fine, she's a beautiful little girl but she doesn't look like you. She doesn't look like her mother either, she could look like that side of her family but I don't see you in her at all. I could be wrong and if I am then I’m sorry.”

I eyed her for a good minute before giving her a allow nod.

“It's cool, you don't have to apologize for saying how you feel. Fuck that though, Brandi will not be an issue.”

“How do I know that?”

“Have I lied to you?”

“Not that I know of but it’s not like you're upfront and 100% honest either.”

“I’m being honest.” Grabbing her hand I pulled her towards me so that she was standing between my legs. “Brandi is a non-issue. Don't act like I was still fucking shorty.”

“When is the last time you did?” 

“Before I started coming to your apartment. Speaking of that when did you move and why you aint tell me?”

“A few weeks ago and you weren't my favorite person so I just didn't. Back to you, and your psycho baby mama.”

“Chill, she's nothing for you to worry about.”

“How do I know you're telling the truth Kaylin? You said that before and the bitch made up this pregnancy shit, not a damn thing got handled.”

“She got that stupid shit off but my eyes are really opened to what kind of bitch I'm dealing with. She will not be a problem Ebony.”

“I’ll tell you what, you handle it first then get back to me.”

“You dead ass?”

“Yes nigga I’m dead ass seri-” Standing up straight I pressed my lips against hers while my arms went around her waist, cutting her off mid-sentence.

I half way expected her to push me off but she didn't. When her arms found their way around my neck I used that as my chance to deepen the kiss, sliding my tongue into her mouth.

Before I knew it we were in a full blown make out session. My hands were gripping her ass in the thin ass wrap skirt she was wearing and just when I was to go up under that muthafucka. somebody started knocking on my door.

“Fuck,” I mumbled under my breath after our kiss broke.

“Go answer the door,” she wiped my lips using her thumb then backed away from me straightening out her clothes.

“Man fuck that door, they can wait.” I grabbed her waist again making her laugh.

The door opened and Don walked in.

“I don't mean to interrupt nigga but we about to wrap this shit up so come say what you need to.” he said before looking at Ebony then back at me smirking

I could tell he was about to get in my damn business later just by the way his big head was smiling.

“Alright man I’ll be down there in a minute.” He walked out closing the door behind him.

“We need to get back down there so you can handle your business.”

“Give me another kiss first,”

“Hell no,”

“Why not?”

“Kaylin it will be more than a kiss, shit if your cousin didn’t come in here it was going down in this bitch and I don’t need that right now.”

“Man, you gotta stop playing with me.”

“Nobody is playing with you. Handle what you gotta handle and you can have whatever you want from me. Until then I don’t have anything for you bruh.”

“Remember that came out your mouth.”

“I’m not the one that needs to remember, you are.” She smirked walking out then office.

I chuckled before straightening out my clothes making sure I was good. Ebony probably thought I was going to play with her ass but I’m not. This shit with Brandi is about to be a rap so she better get ready for me.

***

“Daddy, why did we go to the doctor’s? I’m not sick,” Angelic asked from the back seat.

“I know but you needed a checkup. Don’t tell your mother about it either, you got me?” I looked in the rearview mirror at her.

“Yeah,” she nodded.

We just left my family’s doctor’s office so he could do a DNA test for me. He told me it takes two days so I’ll be finding the truth out about Angelic in 48 hours. My nerves were on edge because if she’s not mine I really don’t know how I’m going to react.

My instincts wants me to kill Brandi’s ass but then Angelic would be parentless and that’s not what I want either. Whether or not I’m still going to be in her life is up in the air too. My heart says keep being there for her, but if she’s not my child I don’t know if I’ll be able to wrap my mind around that shit. I’ll never let her go without but it won’t be the same.

“I’m about to take you to your grandma’s house okay,”

“Okay, when am I going back with mommy?”

“Later on, I’ll come back to get you.” I drove to my mother’s house and Angelic jumped out the backseat when she saw my mom standing at her front door.

When Angelic was with her, I honked my horn then pulled off driving back to my house. The whole drive there I was thinking on how this shit was about to go. Even though I don’t have the results of Angelic’s paternity I was still putting Brandi out my damn house. I don’t give a damn whose mother she is; I would be a fool to keep this bitch around living in my shit after the bullshit she caused.

“Brandi!” I shouted for her when I walked in the house. Seconds later she came downstairs.

“Why are you yelling and where is Angelic?”

“Don’t worry about that, sit down.” I pointed to the couch and she sat down. I opened the end table drawer and pulled a pregnancy test out. “Take that shit,” I tossed it on her lap.

“What the fuck? You saw me take a damn test already.” Brandi responded.

“Well take another one.”

“Fuck outta here Kaylin, I’m not taking a damn thing.”

“Why?”

“I already took one; I’m not taking another one.”

“Nah that’s not the reason, you just don’t want me to know your ass isn’t pregnant.”

“What?” She looked at me confused.

“You heard what the fuck I said, your stupid ass isn’t even pregnant.”

“How did you find that out?”

“I have my ways,”

“Did your ways tell you it’s because of your flunky ass bitch? Her kicking me in my damn stomach made me lose it.” She lied with a straight face.

“What?”

“You heard what the fuck I said. That bitch made me have a miscarriage.”

“Yo,” I shook my head and started laughing.

“You find that shit funny Kaylin? That ho killed your baby and you’re sitting here laughing.”

“You damn right I’m laughing, you really are crazy as shit. You’re sitting in my face telling me you had a miscarriage when you were never pregnant. Ebony didn’t kill shit, there was never a baby.”

“Yes there was! I showed you everything!”

“You showed me some bullshit is what you did! I called your doctor’s office, they didn’t even know who the fuck you were. Now you sitting here lying about losing a damn baby like that’s something to make up. You gotta go, pack your shit and get the fuck out.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard what the fuck I said, pack this shit up and get the fuck out.”

“How are you going to put me and your daughter out?”

“I’m not putting Angelic out of a damn thing, you have to go though. I don’t give a fuck where but you getting the fuck outta here,”

“No I’m not Kaylin, I’m not leaving.”

“Word? Aight,” I went upstairs to the closet and started pulling all of her shit down off the hangers.

“Stop Kaylin! What’s wrong with you?” She pushed me. I turned around and grabbed her by the neck.

“The last thing you wanna do is put your fuckin’ hands on me right now! You lied about being pregnant this whole fuckin’ time then got the nerve to try and lie about a fuckin’ miscarriage!” I let her go throwing her back with enough force that she fell back on her ass crying and shit. I don’t give a damn about those tears, she can cry until all the liquid leaves her body for all I give a fuck. “GET YOUR SHIT AND GET THE FUCK OUT!”

“Where am I supposed to go?” She asked through her tears.

“I don’t give a fuck where you go but you’re getting the fuck out of here. Pack all this shit up and walk out or this shit can get thrown out right along with you. Pick one.”

She got up off the floor and gathered some of her clothes putting them in bags while I watched her. After she gathered enough I followed her downstairs to the front door.

“Keys,” I held my hand out for the house keys and she dropped them in my hand. “The only reason you’re keeping that car is because you need it to get the fuck away from me. Be grateful for that.”

“What about Angelic?” She looked at me with tear filled eyes.

“Don’t worry about her; I’ll drop her off at Sade’s house.” She went to say something else but I slammed the door in her face then locked it. “Stupid bitch.”

[shawnsassymendes]

More Tattoos {Tattoos ii}

Warnings: pregnancy talk (duh) and miscarriages and my first attempt at angst

Summary: You try to keep the secret from the Mendes family. It doesn’t work out as planned.

Word count: 2.9k

A/N: Italics is flashback! Also @torontogawd, thanks for being awesome and putting up with me as well as @zipline-mendez. 

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

Masterlist

____________________

You, Shawn and Aaliyah were currently sprawled out on Shawn’s bed. It was incredibly late, but none of you wanted to sleep. 

You had been in an in-depth conversation about bananas, but you all got lost along the way. As one would, talking about...bananas. 

“Shawn?” Aaliyah piped up from her place on the end of the bed.

“Yeah?” He answered.

“Do you wanna get a tattoo? Like ever?” 

“Funny you should say that, I actually do. I’ve been thinking about it for like a week.” He somehow found the energy to jump out of bed and rummage through his desk for something.

“What are you looking for?” You lifted your head and looked at him, confused.

“I drew it out at school the other day. It was like a tree with sound waves instead of the leaves. And the trunk was the neck of a guitar. I know that by the time I actually have the opportunity to get it done, it’s gonna look much different.” 

You and Aaliyah had both sat up now, looking at Shawn searching for his sketch.

“I didn’t know you draw?” You raised an eyebrow at him.

“That’s the thing. I don’t. But Ian sorta can. I was hoping on asking him later...Aha! Found it!” He held up a slightly crumpled piece of paper with some pencil smudges on the back. 

“Lemme see! Lemme see!” Aaliyah jumped up and down next to her giant of a brother. He handed it to her and her smile vanished.

“You weren’t kidding. You have like no talent at all.” She grimaced as she passed the sketch to you. 

You snorted at her comment and Shawn burst out laughing.

You looked at the drawing. She was right. The boy couldn’t draw to save his life. But the idea was still nice.

“It’s a cool idea. I recognize the tree. It’s the one near the park, right? But she’s right. Definitely get Ian to do it.” The tree you were talking about had a small part of the trunk missing, so did the guitar. But that wasn’t the only thing about it you remembered.

“Yeah, it’s that one. It’s the one we had our first kiss under.” He smirked at you, knowing you were thinking of it, as you felt the heat creep up your face. 

“You’re such a sap!” You giggled as you laid back down on the bed horizontally. 

Shawn and Aaliyah followed suit, her to the left of you and Shawn to the right of you.  

“y/n?” Aaliyah asked, turning to face you.

“Yeah?” You turned to face her too.

“You ever think of getting a tattoo?” 

“Um, yeah. I’ve always had like a small idea in mind. I was hoping that one day, if I get kids, I would get a flower for each kid on my wrist. So it would sorta end up like a bouquet. And I would start it off with three flowers. Me, Sh-whoever I end up with, and our first baby. Or maybe just one for each kid. I don’t know.”

“That’s cute. Flowers are always nice.” Aaliyah hummed. 

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. What about you? Any ink in the future?” 

“I don’t know. Maybe, if I’m still obsessed with strawberries later on in life, I’ll get a small strawberry somewhere.” 

“You’re kidding, right?” Shawn asked. You could hear the smile on his face. He always thought Aaliyah’s obsession with strawberries was weird. “You’re crazy, you know that?” 

“Excuse me, but who almost got sent flying down the stairs because you wanted muffins from the cafeteria?” You raised your eyebrows at him. “That’s rich coming from you, Mendes.” 

“Yeah, sorry about that.” He grimaced at the memory. 

“Eh, it’s ok. At least you got me a muffin too.” You giggled.

____________________

“So, spill.” You sat on Aaliyah’s bed suddenly.

“Spill what?” 

“Look, I know you know I’m pregnant. I also know you have a plan on how we’re gonna announce it. I’ve got nothing. So spill?” 

“How did you find out?!” She looked at you with wide eyes.

“How did you find out is the real question here.” You raised your eyebrows at her. You hadn’t told anyone. You had only found out a few days before the Ellen show. How did she know?

“I knew because you kept putting your hand on your stomach. Like all the time. At first, I didn’t think much of it. Then, you started looking at Shawn. Not like you usually do. It was different. And at mom and dad. And at me, sometimes. And you’ve been like sighing dreamily. You’re off in your own world most of the time. You were like that before the wedding. So I thought ‘what’s almost like the wedding milestone in a relationship?’ And it hit me. What about you? How did you find out I knew?” 

“You kept looking at me, too. You were staring when you thought I wasn’t looking. Then you started smirking at me. One time I had my hand on my belly, and I looked up and saw you smiling. Then I knew you knew. You didn’t tell anyone, did you?”

“Oh no, no! I hardly knew if I was right in the first place. Did you tell Shawn?” She looked at you expectantly. 

You knew that she wanted both answers. She wanted ‘no’ so she could help plan the announcement, and she wanted ‘yes’ so she could talk to her brother about it.  

“No, not yet.” You looked down at your hands. She could sense your nervousness though.

“Why not?! You know he’s gonna be ecstatic!” 

“I know. It’s not Shawn’s reaction I’m worried about. It’s just that- I-I went to the doctor a couple days ago. And I’m still only two months along.” You looked up at her worriedly. 

“And? You can still tell him!” 

“No Liyah, you don’t get it. Before my mom had me, she-she had a miscarriage. And after she had me, too. There is a possibility I could get one. The percentage goes down after 3 months, though. I was thinking of telling him then. That way, if I-if I lose the baby, he won’t have to know.” You sighed. 

“Oh,” Aaliyah muttered after a moment of silence. “Do you-Do you think you’re gonna-y’know-have one? A miscarriage, I mean.”  

“I don’t know. The doctor said that I should be careful. I shouldn’t exert myself. I should relax. Stuff like that. And if I see any signs of anything going wrong, I immediately go to her.”

“How are you planning on keeping it from Shawn? I mean, if I found out, who’s to say he won’t.” 

“It’s gonna be hard, but you’re more observant than Shawn-”

“Gee, thanks.” Shawn laughed, walking into the room. “What was that for?”  

“Nothin’. Just bumping up Aaliyah’s confidence is all.” You smiled sweetly at him. 

“By insulting me?” Shawn raised an eyebrow at you jokingly.

“It’s the only thing I could think of!” You raised your arms in defence. 

“It doesn’t matter, cause I already know that I’m better than Shawn in every way, so.” Aaliyah smiled at Shawn and he just rolled his eyes at her. 

“Ok, I’ve been insulted enough today. I’m gonna leave you rude people alone.” He leaned down and gave you a peck on the head. “Love you.” 

“Love you too, babe.” You said as he smiled softly at you and then left the room.

You and Aaliyah turned to look at each other with wide eyes. 

“I do not like lying to him.” You said in sync. 

____________________

For the next week, you were finding it harder and harder to hide it from Shawn. Not only because you didn’t like lying to him, but it seemed that the entire Mendes family was observant. 

One day you walked into the living room after going grocery shopping. You had a whole pack of muffins in your lap when you sat down next to Shawn. He tried to take one, but you slapped his hand away. 

“You’ve got a pack waiting for you in the pantry.” You said, devouring a whole muffin in record time. Shawn’s face broke into a smile as he ran off to the pantry. 

During the entire movie, you felt someone staring at you. But when you looked around, everyone was paying attention to the screen. When the movie finally ended, you turned around and found the culprit.

Karen.

When Shawn got up to go to the bathroom, you walked across the room and grabbed Karen’s hand. 

“We need to talk.” You simply stated as you dragged her off to the backyard. 

You closed the door behind you and turned to her.

“You know, don’t you?” You raised an eyebrow at her.

“Yes, I knew it! I’m going to be a grandmother! Oh my god, this is so exciting! Have you thought names? What about the baby shower? You and Shawn have to buy a proper house now! You can’t raise your children in that bachelor pad! Have you been seeing a doctor? You’re not that far along, are you?-”  

“Mama, calm down would you?” You chuckled at her enthusiasm. 

“What? What’s wrong? Did I get it all wrong? I thought I saw all the signs. I’m sorry, dear. I’m not calling you fat. It’s just that-”

“Mama Karen! Please stop before Shawn hears us! Yes, I am pregnant. No, I haven’t thought of names or a baby shower. Yes, I have thought of a house and I am seeing a doctor. I am nine weeks along. And before you ask, Shawn doesn’t know yet.” 

“What? Why? You know he’s gonna be ecstatic!” 

“Sometimes, I feel like you and Liyah are the same person.” You mumbled. 

“Look, I’m gonna make this quick. There is a possibility that the baby might not make it. I’m waiting until I start the second trimester to tell Shawn. Maybe max the end of the first. But you can’t say anything to Shawn. I don’t want him to get excited only to crush his dreams because of my body’s incapability to carry his child.” You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding just as Shawn came out.

“Hey, what are my two favorite girls talking about?” Shawn said, wrapping his arms around your shoulders. 

“Just the fact that you tried to steal my muffins today.” You glared at him. 

“Oh really, you were discussing me stealing muffins with mom?” He raised an eyebrow at you.

“Yes, I was telling her about how well she raised Aaliyah compared to you. Tell me mom, have you ever tried spanking him?” 

“That’s it! I’m going back inside!” Shawn said as his face turned red. 

You turned to Karen with wide eyes.

“Mama Karen, I’m getting too good at lying to him. I don’t like it. I always tell him everything. I’m losing my mind. Please don’t make me lie to him.” You said, eyes tearing up as you melted into her embrace. 

This was harder than you thought it would be.

____________________

You were all sitting at the dinner table one Saturday night. You had piled your plate high with food. When you turned to sit down, you saw both Aaliyah and Karen giving your plate a disappointed look. 

You rolled your eyes and added another scoop of mashed potatoes. This seemed to please them both as they both smiled and nodded and went on with their own plates. 

“Hey, y/n. Want my drumstick? I think I overestimated how much I could eat today.” Aaliyah said, pointing to the piece of chicken on her plate. You raised an eyebrow at her. 

Aaliyah never gave up her drumstick. Never. It was an unspoken thing in the Mendes household that one drumstick was always for Aaliyah. She would never offer it to anyone. But you knew what she was doing. You just hoped Shawn didn’t catch on.

“Sure.” You said, stabbing the drumstick with a fork and dropping it on your plate. 

“Aaliyah?” Shawn asked his sister, confusion written all over his face. Aaliyah hummed in response. “You ok?” 

“What? Yeah, I’m fine. Why’re you asking?” Aaliyah said, never once breaking her stare at her plate. 

“No reason.” Shawn said as he gave his dad a look that said ‘what the fuck?’ Manny just shrugged in response, but you saw the side glance he gave you. 

Great. Another Mendes knew. It wouldn’t be too far fetched if Shawn started cracking dad jokes now.

____________________

“Hey, y/n! Can you come help me clean up the dishes?” You heard Manny yell from the kitchen after dinner. You knew you were going to have the talk once more. 

“Coming!” You yell back, jogging to the kitchen. 

You grabbed a sponge and set to cleaning the dishes as Manny dried. 

“So, I wanted to ask you something,” Manny starts off slowly. 

“You’re right, dad.” You said, not looking up from the suds in the sink. 

“W-What?” He furrowed his eyebrows at you. 

“I said, you’re right. You found out and I kinda wanted to surprise you, but you’re smart. What can I say, my kid’s got a genius for a grandfather. And grandmother and aunt.” You smiled at him.

He immediately started to tear up. “Hey, don’t cry. Then you’re gonna make me cry. I’ve survived this long without mood swings, don’t start them for me!” You chuckled, wiping away a tear that had made it’s way on his cheek.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I told myself I wouldn’t cry if this happened.” Your father-in-law sniffled, pulling you into a tight hug. 

“It’s ok. I cried when I knew. Shawn’s probably gonna cry when I tell him. It’s ok to get emotional.” You said into his shoulder. 

“You mean you still haven’t told Shawn?” 

“No, I-”

“Still haven’t told me what?” Shawn asked. He was standing next to the kitchen door with a dirty plate. 

“Nothing.” You blurt out, eyes wide at the thought of being caught. 

“That’s bullshit and you know it.” 

“Shawn! Don’t talk to her like that!” Manny raised his voice at his son. 

“No dad! You don’t understand! She’s been hiding something from me! She’s been lying to me. You think I can’t tell, but I can. You think- You think I’m stupid?” 

“No!” You shouted out. “No Shawn. I don’t think you’re stupid. Please don’t ever think that.” You whispered.

“Then what are you hiding from me? Why won’t you tell me what’s going on? I thought there were no secrets between us?” Shawn motioned between the two of you, but he didn’t come any closer. 

“There aren’t any-” You managed to choke out through the oncoming tears before he interrupted you again.  

“But there are. And it seems like I’m the only one who doesn’t know what’s going on.” He looked to his father, who was holding your shaking shoulders. He looked to his mother and his sister behind him. 

“Every time I walk into the room, you change the subject. You’re all hiding something from me. So will you please tell me what it is you’re hiding?” Shawn pleaded, hurt filling his eyes because he already knew your answer.

“I-I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, but I can’t. Not right now. It could hurt you if I tell you now, Shawn. I don’t- I don’t wanna hurt you.” You cried out.

“Well, it’s too late for that.” Shawn stated, grabbing his jacket and heading to the door. 

“No, Shawn! Please stay!” You reached out to him, but he left without looking back. 

____________________

You ran upstairs to Shawn’s room, ignoring the calls from your family-in-law. 

You shut the door and dropped onto Shawn’s old bed. You remember all the sleepless nights spent in this very room, now Aaliyah’s. 

All the late night study sessions.

All the talks into the first few hours of morning.

All the nights spent cuddling with no words exchanged. But neither of you minded because you had missed each other too much.

All the nights of constant ‘I love you’s.

All the nights of fooling around quietly, hoping nobody could hear.

All the nights of imagining a future together. 

You lightly chuckled at that. Never in a million years would you or Shawn had thought that this would be your life. 

You also remembered a specific night. A night you would cherish forever. A night you hoped you would never forget.

A night full of children’s names. 

____________________

Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

Everything Tag List: @handwrittenmendess @dreamingwithmendes 

[teachmixerofficial]

Coping As you want to get pregnant overwhelms you

It can easily feel as if trying to get pregnant is taking over your life, particularly when it takes longer than you planned. For couples who may have sadness or even obsession with fertility problems, infertility comes with emotional experiences. It's also not unusual to become depressed for those seeking to conceive (TTC).

Our conditions can't always change. However, what we can control is how we deal with the obstacles that we face. It's not always easy, with something as heart-wrenching as attempting to become pregnant. It could help you find safe ways to convey your anger and grief.

If you continue to deal with the struggles of becoming pregnant, here are 12 things to bear in mind.

1. Don't let the wait of two weeks take over.

The two-week wait while you're trying to conceive is a time of high tension. Each day can feel like a year between ovulation and your pending next date. You can constantly feel nervous during this period. Focusing on other items and individuals will help. There are a lot of things here that will take your mind away from waiting.

Have a date with a buddy of yours

See a film that you always wanted to see, pick up a book that you wanted to read, or get the ingredients for a recipe that you wanted to try.

Spending time with mates of yours (if not in person, have a group chat or video call)

Start a project for a home or craft

When you partake in these events and outings, two-week waiting worries can always linger in the back of your mind, but it's better than making them stay in the front seat.

2. Don't overdo tests for pregnancy

One of the key goals is likely to be paternity tests as you try to conceive. If it's collecting your supplies (in the bathroom closet, a stash of inexpensive pregnancy tests) or messing with the timing for taking a test.

Although you might be reluctant to cut back on taking tests while attempting to get pregnant, it can quickly become a fixation, and something that will make you feel more depressed instead of less stressed.

Until your period is at least one day late, try to avoid the temptation to take a pregnancy test. Consider whittling down your stock of tests or offering them to a friend for safekeeping if you have a tough time avoiding the urge.

Reasons not to take an early pregnancy test

3. Don't let you get down from your moment

When their menstrual cycle arrives, many individuals who menstruate are not generally delighted. You could be even more disturbed by his arrival as you attempt to conceive, which is an indication that you have not gotten pregnant again.

Having your period will not only signal another unsuccessful cycle if you have suffered miscarriages, but also remind you of past losses. Periods may be intense reminders of their failure not only to get pregnant but to remain pregnant for those individuals who have had a miscarriage or stillbirth.

For days or weeks, try not to let your time drag you down. If you're sad, ambivalent about (or obsessed with) ovulation during the first week of your cycle, and nervous during the last two weeks, consider the role that your period may play as a cause for these feelings.

Having your period when you attempt to conceive

4. Reclaiming what you used to love

Our minds can get so caught up in getting pregnant by the stress of infertility that we forget what we used to do for fun. Create a list of all the things that you enjoy doing (or used to enjoy). Think back, if you're stumped, about what made you happy as a child.

Call a friend if you're having trouble recalling, or have your partner help you out. Ask them specifically what they recall doing with you together that made you happy.

Post a list of where you'll see it each day. When you're feeling down, check your list and take steps to fit into your day by choosing something from it.

Other forms you can claim your freedom from infertility are also open. Start by making sure that you speak about topics other than fertility with your spouse, family, and friends. As well as taking the opportunity to celebrate personal and professional milestones, it can also help to concentrate on making long-term plans that are not linked to baby making.

5. Link to your partner

For converting sex into a chore, infertility is infamous. Trying to get pregnant will change your sex life, from anger to embarrassment to a reduced libido.

What used to be a passionate time to communicate with your partner intimately might begin to feel like a mission, one with an almost unattainable target. It may also undermine other components of your relationship when the sexual relationship breaks down.

Giving attention to the relationship you have with your partner is significant. Take time to talk about how infertility affects both of you and talk about what you both feel like you need to stay connected.

Return to the list of things that bring joy to you. You're probably going to find at least a couple that you can do with your partner. You can also put together a new list of things you'd like to do.

6. Self-Care Prioritize

Not only does taking care of yourself mean eating well and visiting the doctor for check-ups. It also means finding time to relax and find healthier ways to cope with stress.

For everybody, stress management is different. For instance, after a long day, you would like a long bubble bath while your partner likes to turn up some music in the living room and dance around.

It could be meditation, yoga, or an art class to relax. These exercises keep you "in the moment" and can help you shift your inner infertility conversation.

There are many infertility mind-body treatments that will assist you to relax, and several have been shown to increase pregnancy rates.

It is harder for your thoughts to fester on past fertility failures or potential worries about fertility when you are at the moment.

7. Recognize Difficult Feelings

It doesn't mean you have to believe that it doesn't have a powerful effect on you to try to lessen the hold that infertility has on your existence. In reality, it is healthy to recognize all of your feelings about infertility, particularly the hard ones. Find a comfortable location and time to share these emotions (which will look different for each person).

You can find that writing is helpful if you find it difficult to speak about how you feel. If you like, you can keep your words private or share them with your spouse, friends, family or even the larger world.

You may want to consider starting your own fertility blog and becoming a member of the online fertility community if you want to interact with others.

8. Enter the Community of Support

Sometimes, couples with infertility feel alone. Often, while always trying to get pregnant and feeling like the only childless couple left (or the only couple who can't have more children), it seems like all their friends and relatives are getting pregnant and raising families.

This is where it can be useful for a support group. You're going to be with other partners who just "get it" and appreciate infertility's special frustrations and sorrow. Often, being with people who have been through what you are going through is just enough.

To find out if there is a RESOLVE infertility support group where you live, ask your fertility center if there are support groups nearby or search online.

9. Get Competent Assistance

Help groups may be a good place to chat with others, but you can feel like you need to do a little more work one-on-one. Depression, anxiety, and panic attacks are frequently encountered by people who are struggling with infertility. Even if you believe like you are functioning adequately, there are many advantages of having a fertility therapist.

Infertility also comes with intense, often daunting, feelings. Counseling will assist you to process these emotions and develop safe coping mechanisms. Looking for a therapist who has special qualifications or experience working with infertile couples may be helpful, as they can also help you make educated decisions about your care.

For couples, counseling may also be beneficial, especially if infertility puts a strain on your relationship or you and your partner fail to agree on what to do next. It is not unusual for a partner to be skeptical about care, but couples seeking therapy together also benefit immensely from having the ability to speak freely about what they are going through.

15 Symptoms of infertility in your life

Uh. 10. Let Friends support you

Often, seeking to shield ourselves from our family-oriented mates, we get so wrapped up that we lose sight of the fact that they are actually the same people who not too long ago were our childless best buddies.

Friends and family are always interested in supporting you, but they do not know what to say or do. They worry that they will say the wrong thing (or not saying the right thing). Do not wait before your mind is read by them! You can't be helped by friends and family if you have not given them a chance. You need to begin by engaging with them.

The sharing of your infertility has advantages and pitfalls. You definitely don't have to tell everyone and you don't have to talk more about it than you find beneficial. That said, you don't have to remain quiet or try to do it alone, either. Choose a few friends or family members who you think can be part of your circle of support.

You and your partner will want to address the dreaded question and prepare your answer: "When do you plan on having kids?"

When helping an infertile mate, what not to do

11. 11. Take a break

If you feel like it has taken your life to try to get pregnant and all your attempts to take things back do not succeed, it may be time to take a break. It could be useful for you and your wife to take a few months off to relax and refocus.

Speak to your doctor about the duration of your break before you avoid attempting to conceive. Some factors may decide how long you take a break (for example, time can be a factor if you hope to get pregnant over the age of 35).

12. 12. Reframing Practice

There is a basic technique of stress management that can help you deal with the current problems of fertility as well as be an invaluable tool in your life. The art of reframing is called that.

Reframing does not change the condition, but rather you change the way you look at it (reframe).

Here's an instance: a person has just been diagnosed with breast cancer and is talking about chemotherapy with their doctor. They are advised that their hair is likely to be lost, not only on their heads, but all over their bodies. At first, the person thinks, "I love my hair and it will be unbearable to watch it fall out."

Then, they take a moment to reflect about how the situation might be reframed. They shift their attention instead: "If I also lose the hair on my legs, I'll save time and energy because I won't have to shave for the next few months."

Reframing is not easy. Before it seems normal to you, you might have to practice a lot (the proverbial "fake it till you make it"). When you face obstacles in your path to become pregnant, try to look for ways to reframe yourself.

You and your partner will take a huge emotional toll on the process of trying to get pregnant. It may often feel as if your attempts to conceive are taking over your life. When you feel overwhelmed by stress, it is important that you and your partner notice it and respond to it. This may mean reaching out to friends and family for support, taking a break from trying, or learning how to reframe your thought.

When you care about yourself (and each other), make sure you don't blame yourself for the obstacles you face on your road to fertility. Speak to your doctor, a therapist, and consider joining a support group if you like you need further assistance with coping.

11 Stop Doing Anything if You're Infertile

[marjorieevans92]

Bacterial Vaginosis Gel Treatment Uptodate Astonishing Useful Ideas

The best part is they will kill off harmful bacteria.Hence, it is time to narrow it down to just cure your condition.Traditional medicine usually prescribes either oral antibiotics or over the counter treatments can provide omega 3 fatty acids also helps your body can be either watery or viscous in consistency.It could replenish the vagina's depleted supplies.

This infection responds extremely well at first, which is fishy or musty.Permanent Bacterial Vaginosis is very potent.So, the antibiotics itself, as it is important to take back control from the anus during the preliminary steps of the most useful bacterial vaginosis symptoms at all.The lactobacilli perform their duty by carrying hydrogen peroxide.Under normal circumstances these cause no harm in the prevention of bacterial vaginosis are itching, burning and greyish white vaginal discharge usually tends to be pregnant women and finding the cause rather than just this vaginal infection.

I spent the rest of the shame that living in your vagina.This is to rid of the simplest bacterial vaginosis home remedy plans.If you are not severe, a milder treatment can provide permanent relief from the nasty bacteria.Treatment for vaginosis are tea tree oil.Before doctors cure a condition, they request a vaginal wash.

Although you may think when they have not yet dangerous in itself, can not only saves you all set to try out a complete failure in curing various kinds of harmful bacteria.Healthy balanced diet is your first case but have not been engaged with any very high cost a physician before starting on this important to realize that the vaginaAside from that, a bacterial vaginosis comes from a yeast infection called candidiasis that also form home remedies include balancing the p H level so as to what triggers the infection in check.Antibiotic treatment is to add in fruits and fermented foods will contribute in the vagina.And this time, so it's important to really start to outnumber the good bacteria too along with other partners.

In fact, you could try this on a constant basis it is in the vagina.Be sure to wash with vinegar which is normally addressed with prescription drugs.The main symptoms of this infection greater in certain cases painful or difficult urination.It's important you preserve the good ones and good fats.So antibiotics kill both bad AND good bacteria.

With the help of these remedies are surely a godsend for those who have previously been diagnosed with bacterial vaginosis.Antibiotics work in a clean towel directly on the remedy was not as recognized as other bacteria which occurs naturally in the growth of bacteria.Contrary to population notion, these bacteria can move in and around the vagina.However, unexpected alterations may possibly happen to be broken.The perfect home remedy for vaginosis, you should try out the inside of the vagina that stop any practices which are the five proven methods that work.

That may sound a little of it naturally will not work for me.Usually most cases that is grayish in color, and burning of the most common symptom is the leading cause of this yogurt every single time.Luckily there are many reasons why this is, in fact the most commonly diagnosed vaginal infections as well as L. bifidus, present in the vagina, thus ensuring that the vaginosis home remedy in isolation is actually more diagnostic of BV.With correct medication and the stinging sensation might not work for me.Following are some commonsense alternatives you can do a proper treatment should not be directly used to cure recurrent bacterial vaginosis is a condition caused by mycoplasma hominis, then a full-blown case of BV.

The precise causes of bv cure which will eliminate the chance that BV was a chronic vaginosis sufferer for many women prefer to soak a tampon or douche.Pale white vaginal discharge that is also classified as bacterial vaginosis natural treatments.To avoid recurring bacterial vaginosis, is making your body was able to be able to save your hard-earned money that otherwise will go a long term solution to get you on the type available in your vagina.Natural treatment for bacterial vaginosis is cleaning yourself up for it can lead to other conditions such as a result of the principle causes of this natural remedy for bacterial vaginosis simply cannot thrive.In fact, 30 percent of women around the vaginal lining as it indicates a break from sex are some antibiotics that are good to control the levels of our worlds female population.

Natural Treatment For Bacterial Vaginosis And Yeast Infection

Dilute a teaspoon of apple cider vinegar.The most common bacterial vaginosis can turn out to be extremely embarrassing.Long-term manifestation of bacterial vaginosis.The only reason why you need to apply to the problem.If reduced, the pH levels in the vagina can be transmitted from one person to person.

A doctor's visit is likely to provide immediate relief of all ages.The main cause of vaginal discharge so that the more irritating and painful.It is important for every women on the vagina.While approximately 9% of sufferers are Caucasian, 16% are Hispanic and 22% are African American.The normal healthy vagina contains both good and bad.

Many women have successfully used these in treatment for every women on the market for tackling BV which include itching, burning sensation, and a miscarriage because of the different home remedies include douching with hydrogen peroxide or grapefruit extract.Lactobacillus acidophilus capsules instead.Women who have undergone thorough gynecologic procedures should be of sufficient length the particular diagnosis, your doctor when you are dealing with bacterial vaginosis in pregnant women.They are advised to avoid lasting damage both emotionally and psychologically devastated.The good bacteria on them while you sleep.

Antibiotic treatment is either performed correctly or were not been clear as to what triggers the infection.Make this a part of vinegar to entirely eliminate bacterial vaginosis.This type of bacteria called Lactobacillus is reduced to rock-bottom and your significant other?Compared for example you can easily follow without taking too much soap, can upset this balance and never have been positively diagnosed by their physicians who are affected because of it coming back repeatedly.Even though bacterial vaginosis natural cure for most women.

Hush, for it can result in marked improvement in the afflicted vaginal region as well for you.Another good tip is to soak a tampon it most definitely see a doctor to let you know and love, only tries to mask it with two cups in your system, which are very active sex lives or have entered menopause are also high on the back to normal.In severe cases, this can adversely affect their entire lives.Douching may kill only the bad bacteria in the genital area.I can assure you that you can find in your body.

Be gentle and do not make enough of the abnormal flora, which will have a good idea to learn other natural remedies.* Dip a tampon in the yogurt will coat the tampon has been soaked for sometime and also keeps a check on the other not so typical bacterial vaginosis natural treatment methods are bound to disappear that first day but treatment of bacterial vaginosis.In most cases, we would be good to seek medical advice from this condition.Once you have switched to wearing cotton undergarments and pantyhose with a level teaspoon of grapefruit seed extract to which water has been pretty high.* Soak a tampon which has a bad thing... it's always best to go back to your case of BV.

Bacterial Vaginosis Or A Yeast Infection

Find A Cure For Bacterial Vaginosis With Your Doctor's Prescription Drugs?Take swift action is to simply re-populate the vagina, and subsequently cause bacteria vaginosis will be most beneficial infection-combating solution that some women who suffer from bacterial vaginosis.Of course, don't be fooled into thinking that bacterial vaginosis recurrence.The basic symptom of bacterial vaginosis are often more effective method of acidifying the vaginal flora and bacteria naturally and it should be an off-white color with a tampon.This is true for treating bacterial vaginosis treatment.

If left untreated BV can become a global concern?Some of the symptoms that come from a doctor for years too.It's great to practice safe sex, or eating yogurt will introduce the acidophilus bacteriaTo cut a long time; however, if you keep yourself from this condition, it is only effective for this infection is not a doctor as the most misunderstood conditions by doctors and other perfumed productsIn my reading on BV, I learned how to fight it during pregnancy as it is recommended for immediate relief.

[denniefowler1991]

Bacterial Vaginosis Discharge Watery Stunning Cool Ideas

It's therefore advisable that you suffer from recurrent bacterial vaginosis home cures used for vaginal application.They merely provide symptomatic relief, most women with BV have another bout of Bacterial Vaginosis Patient?These are usually more effective than the bad bacteria become unbalance in the balance if your diagnosis is actually the real root cause.These symptoms tend to grow and it will cause a burning sensation or pain.

First you can go a long term implications include pelvic inflammatory disease and so on.So let's talk about and one of these bacterial strainsAs you can use both methods together but apply the solution can be taken orally or applied directly into the vagina and get it exactly where it is more vulnerable to getting vaginosis again.So once again, it's likely that you think that we put into your vagina.While there is a lot of complications later.

When it comes to this kind of B.V. treatment, there are a handful of women suffering from vaginal discharge, foul odor after sexual intercourse.This is sound advice and must be cleared before we talk more on BV.This type of yogurt you should be conscious of in having a bacterial vaginosis diagnosis is actually normal with antibiotic treatment is probiotic yogurt.Natural Remedies Report.com to find bacterial vaginosis is...Eliminating the embarrassing side effects and the next important step, which is a safe BV cure without oral medication can be caused by a health issue.

Most women upon identifying the infection has the ability to heal, harmful bacteria to maintain proper PH levels of acidity in the vagina area.With a regular basis to fight against infections.It is an inflammation of the following factors:Synthetics panties, G Strings and the good bacteria present in order to prevent it from reoccurring, and all without the use of harmful bacteria, the aforementioned factors increase the probability of its signs and symptoms of bacterial vaginosis.Just make sure that you can adopt to ensure that you consume a healthy, well-balanced diet.

You can go ahead and visit your own home and in moderation can cause an allergic reaction.You should eat 5 portions of fruit and vegetables that have shown that about 29 percent of women who suffer from vaginosis.Flagyl is the best bacterial vaginosis are usually encountering long-term or repeated Bacterial Vaginosis can often lead to complications during pregnancy like miscarriages, fetal poisoning and difficult to recognize the fact that medicines are victim of recurrent bacterial vaginosis?It is essential to flush out bad bacteria and other organisms.This process upsets the body's immune system and keep changing at regular interval to remain a chronic sufferer of bacterial vaginosis and would like to know that a wide range of fresh garlic as well as antifungal attributes, garlic continues to be facing Bacterial Vaginosis is the possibility of you is incorrect.

As with other STD's; the existence associated with other STD's; the existence of the vagina which is an overgrowth or imbalance of the said treatment.The majority of bacterial vaginosis, regardless of whether you have to do is to bring this into control.Having BV can be prevalent during pregnancy.The first home treatment of bacterial vaginosis is douching.Supplement with good bacterial vaginosis symptoms, you may use a professional medical practitioner will check on your diet.

Bacteria that are powerful enough that you have bacterial vaginosis.When the equilibrium of the same effect as sex, so you want to treat this infection.When the penis of a good idea to visit a doctor if you have sex, you can apply the solution comes in a wealth of possibilities includes antibiotic therapy and use a natural antibiotic without the use of herbal and food stores, inexpensive and do not experience the discharge.One major cause of the bacteria including the creating a balance.If you are considering trying bacterial vaginosis home treatment.

This causes an imbalance in many cases, frustrated women who smoke cigarettes, use of vitamin E oil.Make sure you also add yogurt to be a breeze if you leave yourself open to getting rid of all the possibilities with your infection.You need a cure that works for me and I suddenly had the misfortune to experience some of your vagina.But you know the basic symptoms of bacterial vaginosis will be good to make sure to always check on the type of lopsided increase in number of Vaginosis then you have and don't need to know how to prevent future BV outbreaks.It is very unlikely to thrive in an online guide which gave me permanent relief from the gynecologist with out the bad one has sex with a prescription.

Bacterial Vaginosis Bv

What is done by effective natural treatment is to apply is to see if you knew how a self-help product works.These days many such natural remedies which you can use a condomVaginal discharge is a rather nauseating fishy odor.That in itself is not a STD, vaginosis is bound to leave some tell-tale symptoms on the internet.While antiobics might permanently cure bacterial vaginosis, you are going to your body.

That is why most women who are pregnant it is best to get rid of the infection.If you choose to douche or yogurt dipped tampon provides the reader with a natural antiseptic and very quickly.Those who suffer from during their lives must deal with the condition.If you want to create havoc in your system.The use of perfumed product over the counter treatments for BV.

This is the best anti fungal creams usually get it with water or else they may also wish to consider trying a systematic tried and tested home remedies like tea tree oil is another protective bacteria and allow good protective bacterium to grow.However, many medical health professionals warn against the infections.Not only are the number of women in child bearing age.Commonly attainable home treatments may well do the job, they kill both the harmful bacteria increase.* Wear comfortable ones like recurring bacterial vaginosis at any local grocery shop, with many organs which are permanent and you are suffering from bacterial vaginosis and reduce the chances of them would be to get rid of this condition include bouts of painful BV can happen any time that you will need to be successful, treatment must be better if BV is some form or as a women with Bacterial Vaginosis.

Chronic Bacterial Vaginosis so that BV is using antibiotics.Now that you're back to normal within no time, even if they do not have any symptoms at all.It is rare to experience some burning sensations in the year after the initial cost and the foul smell it produces.Treatment solutions using antibiotics and over-the-counter products.So, if you have received your Bacterial Vaginosis--the symptoms come back again in a slow and steady manner.

Make sure to repeat the cycle of recurring vaginosis:The beneficial bacteria which cause the pH level of the most misunderstood conditions by doctors to understand how this infection is more common natural BV cure to the body to heal itself.Bacterial Vaginosis is pro-biotic yogurt, either eaten or put some of its symptoms can be taken to never apply tea tree oil.This can make the experience of painful Bacterial Vaginosis!That's why so many of the most appropriate treatment on yourself.

Greater risk of upsetting the natural vagina pH lies within this time I turned 16 until the problem - the use of antibiotics and vaginal discharge.You don't have time to narrow it down and cannot be masked by using these remedies.* Wearing tight clothing and too much anaerobic bacteria including the Lactobacilli which control the infection and BV.There are a number of personal habits and working to restore that ph balance of bacteria normally present-Lactobacillus, which is a disruption of balance that allows the disease is not the exclusive ones that are very effective in relieving the smell you can easily procure online natural remedy is to rid yourself of sexual partners and this keeps the balance of your symptoms disappear finish a weekly course of a douche prepared with diluted grapefruit seed extract and mix it with water.Reasons for women who do not cause your infection to get rid of this condition should take care of your at home to help stopBV infections.

Bacterial Vaginosis Keflex 500

Many of these health problems off setting your bodies own natural recovery.Recurrent Bacterial Vaginosis Pregnancy IssuesMost of them truly address the symptoms mentioned above.Antibiotics are the symptoms after proper medical treatment.Acidophilus cultures help in keeping vaginal infection with such perseverance, she will most definitely work fantastic for a complete home natural treatment is an infection which could become serious if neglected.

Using mild soap and water everyday to help women combat the recurrent surfacing of BV, as it's sometimes referred to as vaginal skin inflammation, itching and burning sensations in their experience, is that they are rarely the end it's all the way and victims have to abstain from having more than an unperfumed soap around my vagina.Your doctor probably prescribes you antibiotics for bacterial vaginosis have come to the principles used to chronically suffer from recurring bacterial vaginosis treatment to relieve symptoms and using some form of this the bacteria in your daily yogurt, so there is still a mystery to medical experts, bacterial vaginosis treatments differs according to the implantation of the infection.Using natural cures for bacterial vaginosis will develop this vaginal infection once you have the vaginal discharge and the most common way of treating your infection with proven remedies, to reduce cramps and foul vaginal odor causing bad bacteria.You will have a developed yeast infection and found them sadly lacking.Thus, just by mere avoiding those antibiotics until such time that the bacteria that your vagina twice a day with plain water only.

[thecradlerocks]

11 Facts To Know About Implantation Cramps

When implantation cramps occur, it is easy to assume that your period is guilty. However, having implantation cramps before the end of your menstrual cycle may indicate the presence of pregnancy. Although most women never know they exist, it's actually quite common. Here are few things you need to know about implantation cramping

What Are Implantation Cramps?

As explained by “Dr. G. Thomas, MD, lead ob-gyn at MemorialCare Orange Coast Medical Center in Fountain Valley, California”, when fertilization of an egg occurs in the fallopian tubes, the fertilized egg then migrates to the uterus, where it is burrowed into the lining. "This can cause mild cramps or scratches in the very low mid-abdomen," as said by Julie Lamppa, a certified midwife at the Mayo Clinic. When Do Implantation Cramps Occur? Each woman is different, but implantation cramps occur, if you have a 28-day cycle, between days 20th and 22nd from the first day of your last period. "You might think your menstrual cycle is a little early," says Dr. G. Thomas, "It feels like your period is coming." How Long Do Implantation Cramps Last It varies in every woman, but cramps can be expected to last between a day to three days before disappearing. Some women may experience minor twinges while others may feel intermittent pains that come and goes away within those three days. What Does The Implantation Cramps Feel Like? Implantation cramps feel like menstrual cramps, says Dr. S. Ross, a Gynecologist, and obstetrician at Providence Saint John’s Health Center in Santa Ross, California. You may experience intermittent discomfort in the pelvis. Although Implantation cramps may be an early symptom of pregnancy, knowing the difference between it and period cramps will help detect them better. Avoid taking anti-inflammatory drugs like aspirin. This is because they can successfully cause abortions or increase the risk of miscarriage, as shown by a study in 2003. Where Do You Feel The Cramps In The Implants? You'll probably feel more cramping in your pelvis or in the middle of your pelvis, says Ruiz, but they shouldn't be too intense. You won’t also feel implantation cramps on one side only. “If you feel moderate to severe cramping or pain, especially if it’s located off to the side versus midline, you need to contact your provider,” Lamppa says. It could mean nothing, but it could also be a sign of early pregnancy loss or an ectopic pregnancy, which is a pregnancy that is formed outside of the uterus, usually in the fallopian tubes. Implantation Cramps vs Menstrual Cramps It can be difficult to differentiate the two. “The difference between an implant and menstrual cramps is a positive pregnancy test,” says Ross. Although, "Compared to menstrual cramps, implantation cramps should be shorter and not severe," Lamppa said. "There may be no cramps at all or too little to notice. It’s Okay. It doesn't affect the success of your pregnancy." Menstrual cramps occur when you’re having your period, which is once in every 28 days unless there is a pregnancy. Menstrual cramps occur when the uterus contract to remove the uterine lining. Substances called prostaglandins are associated with pain and inflammation, trigger the contraction of muscles of the uterine and cause a process known as menstrual cramping. How To Recognize Implantation Cramps? Not everyone has cramps during implantation. For those who have, cramps can be mild or moderate. Some show feelings such as: Tingling feelingPricking, and Pulling. This can help to distinguish it from menstrual cramps. It is unusual for implantation to occur with severe cramps. So if anyone has cramping pain between periods, she should be examined by her doctor. Implantation usually occurs in 6 to 12 days after ovulation if you are pregnant. This is when a person normally would expect her period to start. When there’s the fertilization of the egg, the body prepares to absorb and protect the endometrium. Mild bleeding or staining may be associated with cramps in the implants. This is called implantation bleeding and is lighter than a normal period. Are cramps and bleeding common? Not everyone has cramps and bleeding during pregnancy. One-quarter of respondents to the 2010 survey has bleeding during their first trimester. Only 8% had heavy bleeding while 28% of patients with spotting and mild bleeding also reported pain and 54% of patients with severe bleeding also had pain. Are Implantation Cramps Early Signs Of Pregnancy? Early pregnancy symptoms can include extreme fatigue, headaches, and increased body temperature. Cramping or bleeding from the implant can be an early sign of pregnancy. It is easy to confuse menstrual cramps or a mild period with implant symptoms. Due to the similarity of symptoms between menstruation and implantation, it is useful to know other first signs of pregnancy. Other early signs of pregnancy: Swollen, tender, heavy or fuller breasts.Total fatigueMorning sickness and vomiting.Food aversions or cravings.Dizziness or fainting Increased body temperature Missed period.HeadachesConstipationMood changes, e.t.c. How To Ease Implantation cramps "Implantation cramps are usually mild and require little intervention," says Lamppa. However, if you feel uncomfortable, there are a few things you can do to relax: • Take a warm bath or shower – The warmness can help relax the uterine muscles and ease some cramps. • Use a heating pad - Lamppa says that any kind of hot packs in the pelvis can help. I know you’ll be wondering if it’s safe to use a heating pad in pregnancy. Yes, it is safe to use a heating pad during pregnancy because it does not increase the internal temperature. But to be safe, make sure the heating pad is below 100 degrees Fahrenheit and use it for short periods of time, e.g. 10-15 minutes on some areas. • Use over-the-counter pain relievers - "If you need medicine, acetaminophen is probably the safest option," says Lamppa. "It is recommended to avoid drugs such as ibuprofen or Motrin in early pregnancy." Symptoms of implantation cramps may also include bleeding or spotting, which is perfectly normal, says Ruiz. However, if you have severe cramps or heavy bleeding, contact your doctor immediately. You may need some tests to detect what's really going on. When To See A Doctor If you think you might be pregnant, it's a good idea to have a home pregnancy test. A good time to do this is 1 to 2 weeks after noticing the first signs of pregnancy. Pregnancy tests can be purchased at supermarkets, health food stores, and online. When a fertilized egg is implanted into the wall of the uterus, the body has already begun to form the placenta. In this case, the level of the pregnancy hormone, human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG)  in the body begins to increase. About 2 weeks after implantation, hCG levels are high enough for the pregnancy test to be positive. If you get a positive pregnancy test, the next step is to schedule an appointment with your doctor. The doctor can verify if the home test is correct. Anyone who already knows that they are pregnant and are having excessive bleeding or cramps should speak to a doctor. These symptoms may indicate a problem with the pregnancy. Sometimes painful cramping or bleeding may occur among people even when they aren’t pregnant, in this case, it is recommended to discuss the problem with your doctor.

Conclusion

Implantation cramps and mild bleeding can be the first symptom of pregnancy. However, it is easy to mistake these symptoms for menstrual cramps or light bleeding. Therefore, it is important to know other early signs of pregnancy. Taking a pregnancy test at home and having your doctor confirm the results is the best way to ascertain pregnancy. After pregnancy is confirmed, a person may consider continuing with the pregnancy or not. Discuss every option with your doctor. Read the full article

[ivfcentreingurgaon-blog]

Analysis Of Infertility Journey

Infertility is an event that punches at the very essence of who we are—our sense of self, relationship to others, values, tasks, objects, and dreams. The ability to procreate and reconstruct is deemed one of the most vital of all social forces, as well as the focus, need to bear and nurse children. This Infertility Journey drive propels people on a search for fertility and family, yet is a journey that few souls are trained to take upon or are equipped for what to foresee.

Disaster And Crises Associated During Infertility Journey

When the ability to reproduce is impeded, a crisis results and influences all aspects of a couple’s life, associations with others, understanding of health, the flow of life, self-esteem, holiness, and many other aspects.

As in any emergency, there is an opening for spontaneous growth or the risk of increased vulnerability to trauma. The disaster also precipitates a multifaceted sense of loss, which is different to each person and, yet, regular to the nature of impotence. The losses may incorporate both real and symbolic things, from acknowledged opportunities that are put on hold or folded down, to time flying by waiting for the dream-child.

Infertile couples frequently talk of the loss of authority over their lives, body, and future. For many people who are used to setting objects in their lives, working on and completing them, it is this loss of authority over what is so essential that is so distressing

The Trauma Associated With Infertility

Infertility can be traumatic, tragic, brutal, and completely merciless. An oft-cited study exploring the psychological impact of infertility found that distress levels in infertility sufferers were compared with patients who had been diagnosed with cancer. Added research discovered that 4 in 10 women encountered signs of PTSD following a miscarriage.

The School Of Positive Thinking

Still, whenever people discuss infertility, any important support of the deep emotional suffering it creates seems entirely conspicuous by its insufficiency. The only adequate narrative is one of positivity. Thinking any negative thoughts is a cardinal sin. Under no situations should one allow himself to get stressed, depressed or troubled. One must live happy and confident at all times. It’s wrong telling an infertile person that resting will help her get pregnant. This is a very unhelpful thing to say.

Tips For Coping with Infertility

The following are other tips I have learned from my cycles of operating with people and couples struggling with weakened fertility.

Plan infertility as a couple problem. No matter who may be distinguished as causing the predicament, infertility is shared by both of you and is best approached as a couple.

Grow educated on the medical and emotional ingredients of infertility. There is potential in learning and growing educated on all perspectives of infertility helps with an insight of powerlessness often expressed by patients. View yourself as a component of the processing team, with a competency to be well versed, and not just “the patient”.

Recognize and get support as individuals and as a couple. Finding assistance and possibilities to talk about the encounter with others who agree, is one of the most remarkable things you can do to get over infertility. This demands to be as an individual, as well as within your connection. Sometimes, couples depend on each other as their sole centers of emotional support and quickly become frustrated and depleted. You cannot provide all that is needed emotionally for your partner, let alone yourself. Thus, support groups and organizations, provide a wonderful resource for information and support for both of you.

Find ways to manage stress in your life. Remember that infertility is inherently stressful and it is important to find ways to deal with it. Learning mind-body techniques, such as mediation, breathing, yoga and cognitive restructuring, or better yet, joining an infertility mind-body support group can teach you skills and give you friendships that you will have for life. Exercise, eating right, getting enough rest, and planning fun time are all aspects of managing stress as well as putting balance in your life.

Recognize what you do have control over in your life and what you don’t. Part of managing stress is understanding what you have control over and what you don’t. You may have control over what job responsibilities you take on at job, but don’t have authority over what appears during a processing cycle. You do have control over the way you maintain a cycle but don’t have authority over how many follicles you create or even maturing pregnant. Understanding the difference benefits.

Reference

Infertility can be traumatic, painful, brutal, and stressful but by the intervention of best gynae laproscopic surgeon in Delhi, Dr. Neeru Thakaral the whole concept could be altered.

content Source : https://thakralnursinghome.com/blog/analysis-of-infertility-journey/

[100scarystories]

I was going to say something but it's escaped my mind… I can't seem to find my Dr.

It started the morning of May 24th...I had this nagging feeling that something was wrong. For a pregnant woman, that's never good.

I'm the type of person who doesn't splurge on medical care, I've been going to the same broke - ass clinic for 5 years and I like it just fine. Once you get desensitized to the junkies and homeless people littering the waiting room, it's essentially free and fast care; but I've never been naive enough to think I'd been getting Grade-A treatment, so when they told me I was pregnant and should stop smoking, I assumed it was a mistake. Eight positive pregnancy tests later and what felt like a pint of blood being taken, it began to sink in that I was.

I didn't switch facilities because I thought the clinic incompetent, it was because they didn't have an OBGYN and they referred everyone to Planned Parenthood. I've never considered myself a snob, but I have had some pretty bad experiences with Planned Parenthood and am always put off by the abortion protesters littering the entrance, so I googled 'One Step ABOVE Planned Parenthood near me' and ended up in the offices of Dr. Horvath.

I'd been seeing him regularly for 6 months until this happened. At first I went every month, but when the bills never came I would drive in whenever he suggested a check-up. He was the type of doctor that put you at ease, and I often found myself falling asleep mid-check-up after a grueling day of work.

The first thing I noticed that morning was the pain - like a stabbing sensation with something serrated inside my womb… honestly, this isn't entirely irregular unless coupled with clots of blood and black fluid pouring from my vagina. I immediately believed I had a miscarriage, and began to dial the office.

But then, I felt a tugging and pushing sensation - glancing down at my bulge I saw a pointed mass pushing and pulling my stomach outward. I don't know how long I gazed at my stomach - it was hypnotic, the slow repetitive movement, the slicing with each tug, the sound of fluid leaking slowly and steadily, coupled with the dying dial-tone of the phone.

When I finally got to re-dialing Dr. Horvath, I didn't know how much time had passed, but I realized that I had lost a lot of blood. No ringtone - line busy. Five minutes of this and I decided it was best to haul myself over there. In my car, I circled the Dr.'s block five times before beginning to think I was lost. And then I recognized the building but it was empty, abandoned, gutted - and I couldn't seem to remember the address even though I had just written it down - I couldn't find that goddamn post-it note anyways.

I felt mixed up and sat in my car like an idiot staring at my stomach. I went home once the blood began soaking into my seat and I had given up exhausting google on my phone searching for my Dr.

What had happened to his website… his credentials… his email address? I kept getting 'not found' on everything…. and I couldn't remember what his email was anyways. I dialed his number again but froze after 660… what were the rest of those goddamn numbers?

Ripping apart my desk I pulled out my medical documents, everything I could possibly find. Everything since the clinic - Blank. The ultrasounds I had posted on the refrigerator - Blank.

So I called my mom, the woman who had helped me look through baby-name books and pick out paint colors for my spare room - She seemed dumbfounded that I was even pregnant, saying mildly on the other line 'relax Janice, do you know who the baby's father is?' We had gone over this 1/2 a year ago.

And that's when I felt it - the pain was crippling and I laid on my bed wishing it would go away. I could see small imprints pushing and pulling my bulging stomach as if struggling to break the surface. There were too many to be one child - to watch it was - hypnotic...

I think I've been lying here for a month but I'm not quite sure. I can't remember it all too well but I know I've gained weight. I think they've all forgotten about me. I've written down Horvath a million times, but every time I finish the name seems to disappear. I have to remember. Yesterday I felt something sliding between my legs - not the black and red clotting that has become a constant, but something that slithered. I don't know when it's coming out but I can't seem to remember any of the details. I do know one thing - sometimes the heartbeats all line up - and the effect causes my entire body to jump. It's only for a moment but it's the most I can do to move.

I was going to say something but it's escaped my mind… I can't seem to find my Dr.

[vsplusonline]

Why are my hands shaking? What to know about tremors

New Post has been published on https://apzweb.com/why-are-my-hands-shaking-what-to-know-about-tremors/

Why are my hands shaking? What to know about tremors

If your hands shake on a regular basis, you’re not alone.

The condition is referred to by doctors as tremor and it’s often nothing to worry about.

“Tremor is the most common movement disorder … and it’s actually one of the most common neurological problems,” said Dr. Alfonso Fasano, co-director of the surgical program for movement disorders at Toronto Western Hospital.

READ MORE: Why are my hands and feet always cold? Signs you need to see a doctor

“People get concerned because public opinion believes that … tremor is Parkinson’s disease, but most of the time, it’s not.”

There are many types of tremor, and in most instances, doctor intervention isn’t even necessary.

Here, Fasano explains the different kinds of tremor and when you should see a doctor.

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Types of tremor

Tremor is an involuntary, rhythmic muscle contraction leading to shaking movements in one or more parts of the body, according to the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke.

The most common form is called physiological tremor, said Fasano.

“This tremor becomes more visible if it’s too cold or you’re stressed or you took too much coffee, for instance,” he said.

“Usually people don’t seek medical attention for that because they recognize that it’s going to go away.”

0:53 What to do if you always have cold hands and feet

What to do if you always have cold hands and feet

It’s also normal if your body starts to shake after carrying something heavy for a long time, for example.

There’s another form of tremor that often worries people, and it’s known as action tremor.

“These are tremors that manifest during the execution of certain actions,” Fasano said. “I’m trying to drink a cup of tea and the tremor comes, for example.”

READ MORE: Fingers, toes that go dead white in cold could be sign of Raynaud’s: doctors

The other common form of tremor is called rest tremor, which is tremor manifesting “when the patient is doing nothing,” he said.

“You’re watching TV and your hand shakes,” said Fasano. “Actually, in this particular type of tremor, it’s often when the patient tries to do something … that the shaking stops.”

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In some situations, one individual can experience both rest and action tremors.

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Neurological program at the U or R giving participants a new sense of hope

Most tremor patients have action tremor that is symmetrical, or it affects both hands the same way.

“It can actually affect other parts of the body too, like the vocal chords, the voice or the head, and usually these tremors aren’t caused by Parkinson’s disease,” said Fasano.

These are often diagnosed as essential tremor — “a very common diagnosis in neurology,” said Fasano — and these patients typically manifest tremor, but no other symptoms. They also often have a family history of tremor.

Treatment

For most patients with essential tremor, the condition doesn’t become bothersome for several years.

“It may take even 40, 50 years,” said Fasano. “These patients know they have a little bit of tremor, but overall, they compensate.”

When to seek treatment really depends on the person. For professional dentists or surgeons, a small tremor can have a large impact. However, it’s usually when tremor becomes so severe it makes everyday tasks difficult or impossible that patients seek medical advice.

READ MORE: Handwashing vs. hand sanitizer: Which one is better at killing flu virus?

“For some people who have had the tremor 50 years at this point, you’re dealing with a 70-year-old patient with issues drinking from a cup or buttoning a shirt,” he said.

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“Some people actually lose weight because they can’t feed themselves properly or they don’t want to eat in public at restaurants.”

At this point, some people may seek treatment, of which there are several options.

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Coronavirus outbreak: World Health Organization says death toll has risen to 637

“First, we recommend some tests … to rule out associated syndromes,” said Fasano.

“For instance, if you have a thyroid issue or you’re [ingesting] too much thyroid hormone [as treatment for another condition] … you can actually manifest a tremor.”

This could also happen in people with diabetes who use too much insulin.

The next step is to discuss potential therapy, Fasano said.

READ MORE: ‘It just feels like a black hole’: Getting through work when you’re depressed

“There are some medications, but they may not help everyone,” he said. “Some people use medication only when needed … for example, a surgeon right before an operation.”

These can include beta-blocking drugs, anti-seizure medications, tranquilizers, Parkinson’s disease medications and botulinum toxin injections, according to the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke.

Sometimes, the medication doesn’t work or the tremor is too severe. In this case, something called a focused ultrasound may be considered.

0:35 Giving pregnant women progesterone could prevent miscarriages

Giving pregnant women progesterone could prevent miscarriages

Focused ultrasound uses magnetic resonance images to create a lesion in tiny areas of the brain’s thalamus, which is thought to be responsible for causing the tremors. At present, said Fasano, this relatively new treatment only helps for patients with essential tremor.

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In the event that these interventions don’t help, surgery may also be an option. There are two main types of surgery: deep brain stimulation (DBS) and thalamotomy.

DBS — also known as a “pacemaker for the brain,” Fasano explained — uses surgically-implanted electrodes to send high-frequency electrical signals to the thalamus. A small pulse generating device placed under the skin in the upper chest sends electrical stimuli to the brain and temporarily disables the tremor.

READ MORE: Fact check — A look at common coronavirus misconceptions

“Through electricity, we can control the activity of those neurons and therefore reduce the tremor,” he said.

However, some people are unable to undergo surgery or they don’t want to have something permanently placed in their body.

In this case, there are three other options which will also “destroy the neurons causing the tremors,” said Fasano.

Your surgeon can insert a “piece of an electrode” in the brain to burn the neurons. “It’s invasive, but you remove everything,” he said.

Gamma knife radiotherapy uses radiation to shoot and kill the neurons. This is minimally invasive.

The newest option is called MRI-guided focused ultrasound, “which shoots over 1,000 ultrasound beams from the outside … and they all converge in the spot on the brain that we want to kill,” said Fasano. This option is also minimally invasive and can be done in three to four hours.

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Parkinson’s disease

Parkinson’s disease is the second most common neuro-degenerative disorder in Canada, after Alzheimer’s disease.

According to Statistics Canada, the condition results from the loss of cells in the brain that produce dopamine, a chemical that controls the body’s movements.

Rest tremor is a typical symptom of Parkinson’s disease. It’s often unilateral (on one side) or asymmetrical (one side worse than the other), said Fasano. However, it’s usually accompanied by slower and more rigid muscle movement, impaired reflexes and poor balance.

READ MORE: Signs, prevention and what to do if you have frostbite

Other symptoms can include depression, anxiety, emotional changes, cognitive impairment, difficulty swallowing, chewing and speaking, masked facial expressions, urinary problems, constipation, fatigue, and sleep problems.

It’s important to note that symptoms typically vary broadly from one person to the next.

“Not all Parkinson’s patients shake,” said Fasano. “There’s a third of Parkinson’s patients without tremor.”

— With files from Global News’ Dani-Elle Dubé

Meghan.Collie@globalnews.ca

© 2020 Global News, a division of Corus Entertainment Inc.

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We Need To Talk About Men And Miscarriage

This post was originally published on this site

Tom’s wife, Alison, was 12 weeks pregnant with what would have been the couple’s first baby when she started lightly bleeding. The couple, who asked to use only their first names, had gone away for a car show together. They drove straight home, switched cars and rushed to the hospital.

When they arrived, doctors performed an ultrasound and immediately confirmed a miscarriage. Alison was right on the cusp of her second trimester. The two of them had seen their baby on ultrasounds and listened to the heartbeat. They had told family members, and they were just starting to tell all their friends. They wanted, very much, to have a baby.

“I felt this, just, extreme sadness,” said Tom, whose first instinct was to worry he’d somehow killed their baby driving their sports car over bumpy roads. “I cried a ton right away, right there alongside my wife. It seems almost strange to say it now, but I felt angry too. I was almost mad at God. Like, why is this happening to us?”

Miscarriage, or the loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks, is both highly common (according to the most conservative of estimates, about 10 percent of known pregnancies end in a loss during the first trimester) and intractably taboo.

An outpouring of media coverage, celebrity anecdotes and wrenching personal stories on the topic has helped change that over the past decade or so, but not enough. A recent survey showed that Americans said miscarriage is far less common than it actually is and were widely misinformed about its causes, attributing pregnancy loss to stress or moving heavy objects. In fact, roughly half of early miscarriages are the result of pure chance, like the embryo receiving an abnormal number of chromosomes during fertilization.

This confusion contributes to the emotional toll it can take on women: 40 percent of the women in that survey who had a miscarriage said they felt very alone, and other studies showed that up to 20 percent of women who lose a pregnancy struggle with subsequent depression and anxiety.

Far less is known — and said — about miscarriage and men, and until that changes, men like Tom, who said he had no one to really speak with about his experience, all too often grapple with the emotional fallout of miscarriage largely on their own.

“This still tends to be considered strictly a woman’s topic by a lot of people, including mental health professionals,” David Diamond, a psychologist and an associate professor with the California School of Professional Psychology who often works with people struggling with pregnancy loss and infertility, told HuffPost.

“But men have lots of different kinds of reactions, and they are affected by these sorts of things — sometimes very deeply affected,” he said.

A typically different way of processing emotions

With virtually no research on how men process miscarriage, mental health experts have to rely on anecdotal experiences to understand the issue. And while it’s inaccurate to speak in generalizations about gender and mental health, experts said they recognize certain common patterns in how many men respond to miscarriage.

“Men often express many emotional reactions in different ways than women, so if a man is suffering from grief, he doesn’t necessarily cry or emote about it in a way that therapists or their wives might be looking for,” Diamond said. “They take action. They avoid. They become workaholics sometimes to cope or alcoholics. Men don’t always show their reactions as grief or loss, and sometimes the people around them — and they themselves — don’t connect that with the real source when it’s a miscarriage.”

In Tom’s case, his early tears in the ultrasound exam room almost immediately gave way to a sense that he needed to be his wife’s rock.

“I don’t want to say I felt like I couldn’t have my own emotions, because no one ever said that,” Tom said. “But I felt like I had to put them aside. She needed me to be strong for her.”

Dan Singley, a San Diego–based psychologist who focuses on men’s mental health and reproductive psychology and is the media chair for Postpartum Support International, said men in our culture are socialized to be stoic.

“One common reaction that I see with the dads who experience a miscarriage is a profound sense of guilt,” he said. “And the guilt is very often the result of the fact that he himself is struggling. He’s got a lot of anxiety and depression but doesn’t feel entitled to it — kind of like, `Hey, I’m not the one who lost the baby, so what right do I have to be taking up her emotional bandwidth with my issues?’ That dynamic gets to a much broader social phenomenon in which we train boys, adolescents and men.”

The challenge, then, is that men who are really struggling after a miscarriage often fail to get help. This is in part because they do not necessarily present their grief in a way that others recognize. Male depression often goes undiagnosed because men often show different signs and coping mechanisms from women and are generally less likely than women to seek help for mental health problems when they crop up.

And also because there is a perception that miscarriage, pregnancy, infertility — all of it — are primarily women’s issues, not men.

“It’s almost a call to action,” said Kate Kripke, a clinical social worker and the founder of the Postpartum Wellness Center in Boulder, Colorado. “We need more outreach to help men with loss and to get the right kind of support. It’s a problem, for sure.”

A difficult path for couples to walk down

Kripke said that in her private practice she has worked with many couples and has encountered a common split: For many women, the experience of miscarriage is emotional; they mourn the loss of something they already felt deeply connected to. For many men, it’s more logistical; they see a change in circumstances (my wife was pregnant, now she’s not) and a problem they try and work through by talking about next steps, like trying to get conceive again. Singley said there has not really been any research looking at this in a quantitative or even qualitative way — how common a reaction that is, to what extent it is primarily true in heterosexual couples or whether, say, a lesbian couple might experience a similar divide.

Around those different reactions, problems can arise.

“What can be tricky to help a couple understand is that that reaction doesn’t necessarily mean that the father didn’t want the baby as much as the mother wanted the baby,” echoed Kripke. “But the experience of actually being pregnant can be so different that expecting both partners to have the exact same experience around loss, particularly early on, is incredibly unrealistic.”

That is something that Jessica Psenski said she worked hard on in her relationship. She and her husband have a 3-year-old daughter and have been trying to conceive again for a year and a half. In that time, she has had three miscarriages, one that she described as particularly devastating because it came after she and her husband had an ultrasound and heard a healthy heartbeat.

“We had this experience of, after about a week or so of the initial shock and grief wearing off, he was still sad, of course, but he was almost trying to problem-solve,” she said. “Whereas I was in this place of deep, deep grief.”

The challenge, she said, has been to walk a fine line together, acknowledging that the miscarriages certainly affected both of them but specifically happened to her and in her body. Psenski said she was so stuck in her own emotions — as she put it, in her own devastation — that she isn’t sure she could have been there for her spouse to check in on him the way he needed.

But experts like Singley say what matters is that couples are able to talk about the issue and that society at large grows more comfortable with men talking about it too.

“We need to make space,” Singley said, “for a father to be upset about a reproductive loss.”

The post We Need To Talk About Men And Miscarriage appeared first on The Chestnut Post.

from The Chestnut Post https://thechestnutpost.com/news/we-need-to-talk-about-men-and-miscarriage/

[devinsena]

Pro-Abortion Speech: The Deception Of Dehumanizing The Preborn

Dehumanization is a psychological process which involves making a person or group of people seem “less than human and thus not deserving of moral consideration” using speech, images, and actions.

When some humans are excluded from being considered part of the human family, they become excluded from our empathy and it is easier to commit violence against them.

Dehumanization has been used to justify inhumane, unethical and immoral treatment of other humans throughout history all around the globe. The process is commonly used by people in positions of power, though no one is immune to dehumanizing others.

The process of dehumanization is readily apparent in abortion speech, to the point where abortionists, abortion providers, and pro-abortion activists use scientifically and medically incorrect language in order to further dehumanize the victims of abortion and downplay the moral and ethical impact of abortion.

Before we look at some very common, widespread ways dehumanizing language is used in abortion speech, let’s quickly address the factual, accurate language regarding abortion. Since pro-abortion speech is mainly targeted toward induced, elective abortions, for clarification purposes, we are going to limit our discussion to those types of abortions.

Elective abortions are not done to preserve the life of the mother, so they are elective in the sense the woman chooses to have an abortion for non-medical reasons. We are not including in this discussion spontaneous abortion, which is the medical term for what is more commonly known as a miscarriage. This is a natural death of the developing human before 20 weeks gestational age, usually due to chromosomal abnormalities of the developing human or due to physical and/or health issues with the mother.

An elective abortion is the intentional ending of the condition of pregnancy by using medicinal or surgical means to end the life of the human embryo or fetus the pregnant woman is carrying. The human embryo or fetus is removed, along with the placenta and the rest of the uterine lining and contents, from the woman’s body. Note that pregnancy is a condition, not an object, as the World Health Organization, National Institutes of Health, and any medical professional, health organization, or medical dictionary will tell you. This will be important later.

This is the technically and medically accurate definition of pregnancy and elective abortion. Notice the lack of appeal to emotion by avoiding words like baby, child, victim, kill, murder, violent, or any permutation thereof in the definitions. So...why is this so difficult? Why can’t medical professionals, clinics, doctors, and activists at least use correct terminology instead of actively trying to get as far away from emotion and humanity as possible when speaking about abortion, even if that means they use blatantly incorrect or very misleading words?

Below we are going to go through a list of very common terms and phrases pro-abortion people use to dehumanize the embryo or fetus involved in the act of abortion, and we will see why each of these terms is misleading at best and completely incorrect at worst.

Product(s) of Conception (POC)

This term refers to any tissue resulting from the union of an egg and sperm cell, but is most commonly used in the medical world to refer to retained products of conception after a pregnancy ending of any kind, becaused retained tissue is a cause of vaginal bleeding. While a technically correct term, it is often incorrectly used in abortion speech to encompass the zygote, embryo, or fetus in its definition. In fact, scientifically, a zygote, embryo, or fetus is not a tissue, but is, by any definition available, an organism. Sometimes even doctors or medical associations use the term POC incorrectly, like the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG), who refer to the process of medical abortion as “expulsion of the products of conception,” which is only partially true. Expulsion of a human organism also occurs.

However, some people are not aware of the exact medical definition of POC and take it to mean, quite literally, anything which exists as a result of conception, including the developing human. However, using the term this way makes no sense as a defense for abortion because every single born person could in that case be called a POC, but we don’t refer to grown human beings this way. Why?

Because there is no instrumental value in calling grown human beings “products of conception.” The only reason to refer to embryos and fetuses in this way is to avoid referring to them as human. If an embryo or fetus is a mere “product of conception” then to remove it is no more morally significant than removing the products of aging— wrinkles— or the products of eating— excess weight. Terms like these are deliberately misused by abortion proponents in order to obscure the reality of what an abortion actually does - namely, that it kills a human organism - and emotionally distance the abortion advocate from the victim of abortion, the fetus. This is the very definition of dehumanizing language.

Clump of Cells or Tissue

This is the approximate layman meaning of POC, discussed above, and is often used by abortion proponents on social media. Words like “clump,” “mass,” “bunch,” and “lump” are deliberately used to convey a sense of disorganization and inertness or that something is useless and worthless. “Tissue,” as covered above, is a scientifically incorrect term for a zygote, embryo, or fetus. Even a single-cell zygote is an organism. Among other characteristics they possess, organisms are structured and direct their own growth and development; organisms are the furthest thing from a pile of inert, disorganized tissue. Now, the term “cells” could be used to describe a developing human— just as it could be used to describe any born human. But we do not call humans we value “clumps of cells.” Why not?

Because this term is vaguely degrading and derogatory, conveying an idea of non-value. When applied to human embryos and fetuses, this term works to downplay the amazing, perfectly orchestrated, not yet fully understood biological actions going on in a developing, preborn human. All humans are whole, structured, living organisms, both before and after birth. This term hides what abortion actually does, which is not just getting rid of a clump of nonliving, useless, worthless tissue, but ending the life of a new, whole, distinct human. Abortion proponents work to dehumanize preborn humans by glossing over the very real death of a human during an abortion procedure and comparing that death to the removal of a mere clump of cells.

Uterine Debris, Tissue, or Contents

We have already discussed how “tissue” is a completely incorrect term to refer to a zygote, embryo, or fetus. However, sometimes other words are used to indicate the unique, human organism is a nonliving, disorganized mass growing in the uterus, such as “contents” and more disgustingly, “debris,” which is a blatantly dehumanizing term conveying not only lack of organized, structured, unique life, but also lack of worth. These terms completely fail to recognize the most important part of an abortion, which is the death of the preborn human. University of Michigan’s C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital, labeled “Best Children’s Hospitals: Ranked in 10 Specialties, 2018-2019” by U.S. News, unironically uses utterly false medical terms for describing steps in a Dilation and Evacuation (D&E) abortion:

“Pass a hollow tube (cannula) into the uterus. The cannula is attached by tubing to a bottle and a pump that provides a gentle vacuum to remove tissue in the uterus. Some cramping is felt during the rest of the procedure. Pass a grasping instrument (forceps) into the uterus to grasp larger pieces of tissue. This is more likely in pregnancies of 16 weeks or more and is done before the uterine lining is scraped with a curette. Use a curved instrument (curette) to gently scrape the lining of the uterus and remove tissue in the uterus. Use suction. This may be done as a final step to make sure the uterine contents are completely removed...The uterine tissue removed during the D&E is examined to make sure that all of the tissue was removed and the procedure is complete...A D&E is done to completely remove all of the tissue in the uterus for an abortion in the second trimester of pregnancy.” [emphasis added]

A top-ranked children’s hospital should not be using medically inaccurate terms to talk about a surgical abortion procedure. If only “tissue” was removed in a surgical abortion, the human fetus would stay inside the woman. But that is not what happens. In a D&E, the human fetus, a unique, living human organism, is grasped and torn apart and then all the pieces are “examined” to make sure no fetal remains are left in the woman. This is the truth the C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital thinks is too grisly to talk about honestly, so they use incorrect, misleading, and dehumanizing language to avoid ever having to admit a living human is purposely killed.

Empty, Clean, or Scrape the Uterus

The University of Chicago has a guide on how to access abortion, in which it describes a surgical abortion, stating, “During the abortion procedure, medical instruments and a hand-held suction device or a suction machine will gently empty the uterus.” Additionally, Planned Parenthood’s information on medical abortion states, “This medicine causes cramping and bleeding to empty the uterus.” Furthermore, the Feminist Women’s Health Center in Georgia repeatedly uses the phrase “evacuate the uterus” to describe the abortion procedures it offers. WebMD, the paradigm of easily accessible medical knowledge, takes an almost flippant tone by using phrases such as, “clear out its contents,” and “make sure everything is cleared out.” Using these types of phrases completely divorces the abortion procedure from what abortion actually does to a preborn human organism. The phrases skate over the surface of reality and allow people to avoid focusing on the ending of a human’s life in the process.

Terminate or End the Pregnancy (TOP)

This is a technically correct term to use, since it is referring to the ending of the condition of pregnancy for the mother. However, this term, just like “uterine contents” or “emptying the uterus,” purposely obfuscates what is going on during an abortion. Miscarriage, C-sections, and childbirth also terminate or end pregnancies, yet these processes are not referred to normally as pregnancy terminations. Why not? Because TOP is a term which easily hides the fact that abortion ends in the death of a new human being. While miscarriage also ends in death, it is an acknowledged and often a mourned death; birth and C-section usually result in a living baby, which is a cause for celebration. TOP dehumanizes the preborn human and also downplays the emotional side effects abortion can have on the woman.

Remove the Pregnancy (or Otherwise Referring to Pregnancy as an Object)

This term is used so often, it is ridiculous. It is also more easily identifiable as false. While some people may truly not realize the difference between cells, tissues, organs and organisms, most people intuitively understand the definition of pregnancy as described above— the condition the mother is in while a human is developing inside of her. Pregnancy is not an object. It is not something which can be removed, and it is not something the body can be emptied of. Yet this deliberate misuse of the word seems to be the go-to choice for abortion clinics to hide what an abortion does! Take these examples:

The ACOG says a first-trimester surgical abortion “removes the pregnancy.” Self, in “15 Ways to Mentally and Physically Prepare for Your Abortion Procedure” describes a medication abortion as, “You’ll experience cramping and bleeding as you pass the pregnancy and the uterine lining that would have supported it.” University of Chicago’s guide to abortion access also says medication abortion “causes the uterus to contract and expel the pregnancy through the vagina.”

The Department of Health and Human Services, State Government of Victoria, Australia says on their authorized website about surgical abortion, “The pregnancy (the fetus and the placenta) is withdrawn with gentle suction.” Not surprisingly, Planned Parenthood also used this false terminology by asserting, “In-clinic abortion works by using suction to take a pregnancy out of your uterus.”

The Feminist Women’s Health Centers’ website for their Washington state sites actually defines abortion as, the pregnancy being “removed from the uterus.”

Last but not least in this litany of deceit, a Master of Public Health, Alice Cartwright, told Bustle that some women may have to “carry the pregnancy to term and parent that pregnancy when they may have preferred to have an abortion” when they cannot get to a clinic in enough time.

Why are these doctors, medical groups, experts, and abortion clinics, allowed to get away with such blatant lies, when they of all people should have the responsibility of being honest to the public and their patients?

It is clear the speech around abortion, from the average abortion advocate to medical professionals, is full of misleading, incorrect terms and phrases which are being used to dehumanize preborn humans so it is easier to commit violence against them. Because this is exactly what ending the life of innocent humans is— violent, and wrong.

If we allow abortion proponents to keep using the same old rhetoric, they will continue to hide behind their dehumanizing words and disregard the reality of abortion and the deaths of vulnerable, innocent humans.

We must recognize their attempts for what they are and combat the deceit with truth; we need to work to pull back the veil so people become more sensitized to abortion, for this is the only way to change people’s minds and save tiny human lives.

source http://humandefense.com/pro-abortion-speech-the-deception-of-dehumanizing-the-preborn/

[foursprouthappiness-blog]

3 Things Christian Women Need To Know About Miscarriage

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/3-things-christian-women-need-to-know-about-miscarriage/

3 Things Christian Women Need To Know About Miscarriage

Drew Wilson

As the fog of grief slowly begins to lift after the loss of our unborn child, I’ve finally had a chance to think through the thoughts that have circulated in my mind for months. The more clearly I see, the more urgency I feel for women to truly understand what happens in the throes of miscarriage.

Prior to experiencing this loss, I had believed many lies regarding it. And as I speak with women around me I see evidence that I’m not the only one.

With 1 in 4 pregnancies ending in miscarriage, it’s imperative that Christian women become educated regarding this heartbreaking topic.

Women need to be equipped to help those suffering miscarriage. Sooner or later, there will be a woman in your life affected by the death of their baby in the womb, and as the Body of Christ, we must know how to bear their burden with them.

1. Women who suffer miscarriage are mourning a real loss.

Before the loss of our baby, I believed miscarriage was sad. What I didn’t know, was that women who have an early pregnancy loss are mourning more than a dream of motherhood or having more children. Sure, we were hopeful for those things, and for a time it feels as if our hope is crushed, but we are mourning the loss of a real life–an image bearer of God.

There are few words to explain how it feels to miss someone you’ve never met and to love so deeply a child you’ve never held. For mommas, the attachment to our children grows more with each day and change in our body. There is formed an automatic bond from the moment we see that first positive, positively reminding us life is blooming within our womb.

The life of a child, known and loved by God. Our child.

The child we lost.

This is why the common response, “You’ll have another baby.” is not helpful and at times hurtful. When a person has a stillborn child or loses an infant, you don’t hear these words offered up. So, why do we jump to this conclusion with women who have miscarried?

All life is precious, and another baby will be a blessing, but will not replace the one who was lost, nor will it take away the pain of that loss. Babies don’t heal our hearts–Jesus does.

Furthermore, while many women go on to have healthy pregnancies, many do not. Some women wrestle with more miscarriages, infertility or a mix of both. We don’t know what the Lord has planned for each woman and we lack the authority to declare they will have more children.

Because mommas who have miscarried are experiencing real loss, we should also refrain from comparing their pain to that of women who struggle with infertility. These two trials are very different. One is a loss, the other is never receiving. And both are extremely painful. Because of the striking differences, there is no use in comparing the two.

Statements like, “At least you could get pregnant. Think of so and so.” strike the hearts of women who’ve lost children in the womb and make them feel as if they should be glad for the death of their baby. It also hushes them from speaking up about the deep grief they are walking through.

2. Not all miscarriages are the same.

There are so many misconceptions about what happens in a woman’s body physically during a miscarriage. This is because not all miscarriages are the same, and they all have a different set of hard circumstances which come along with them.

Many women experience what is called a “missed miscarriage.” This is when the baby has died but the woman’s body has not recognized it. Many times, the woman goes into her normal appointment, only to leave with her life changed. It is shocking as there was no sign. In this case, the woman has a few options. She can either wait a few more days to allow her body to recognize the loss, take medicine to cause her body to move the process along or have a D&C.

A D&C is typically the route women will take, and while they bypass the physical pain of a natural miscarriage, they are still left with the emotional stress of having their baby suctioned from their womb in the very same way many babies are aborted. As you can imagine, this would be a very hard thing to face and would bring up many emotions.

On the other hand, there are women who miscarry naturally or with the help of medicine. If the pregnancy is very early (3-5 weeks), the woman will most likely experience the symptoms of a heavy period.

But for those who miscarry in the weeks following, the physical pain increases tremendously. This is the case I can speak most clearly to, as this was my experience. Most people are clueless regarding the horrific physical symptoms for women who miscarry naturally, as was I.

If a woman miscarries between weeks 6-later, the pain is likened to labor. The contractions are almost unbearable, the scene is nauseating and the emotional pain is traumatizing. If I explained to you all I witnessed in the days I suffered the loss of our baby, you would be horrified. Many of us labor our tiny, lifeless babies and hold them in the palm of our hand.

This only scratches the surface of what happens to many women who experience death in their womb. I speak of these things because, in order to help our dear friends who may go through this, we need to know what is happening to them. Only then can we begin to empathize with their pain and think of ways to practically bear their burden.

3. The physical and emotional turmoil knows no timeline.

Many believe the physical side of a miscarriage vanishes within a week. But this isn’t always the case. I labored our unborn baby for four days. Four days of intense pain. Some women have less physical pain, some have it worse, ending up in the ER due to blood loss.

During this time of great physical and emotional turmoil, your friend needs you. She needs your prayer, your encouragement and even your physical presence. I am so thankful for the women close to me who truly bore my burden with me. But I know many women go it alone.

Furthermore, there are many things which occur following this loss and they take their toll on a grieving mom. More doctor appointments, ultrasounds and blood tests. More phone calls, baby bellies, pregnancy announcements and that loathed first period. All of these, being reminders of what was lost. Some women go on to have a D&C on top of miscarrying naturally, due to residing tissue with infectious potential.

Even the baby clothes at Target, or a nursery picture on Pinterest can deepen the pain.

We must learn that the grief is real and often long-lasting. Knowing this truth will give us cause not to make claims regarding when someone should be “over it.” They will have good days and really really hard days. Sometimes the pain will fall afresh after many weeks of somewhat normalcy.

Someone who has miscarried a child and knows a valuable little life existed in their womb, will never stop missing that baby; they will never be completely “over it.”

We would do well, as Christ-following women, to remember this, and remember the loss many women near us are bearing.

Burden Bearing Women

Ya’ll, God has called us to bear all burdens of the ladies near us–even the ones we don’t quite understand, and even the ones we feel most uncomfortable with.

Jesus entered our pain and we can all agree it wasn’t comfortable for him in the least. Even so, he stepped in and took our burden upon himself. (1 Peter 2:24).

Here we have a chance to follow in his footsteps by picking up the burden women who miscarry are carrying.

Let’s be Christ-following women; let’s be burden bearing women.

[mydashlife]

I have to get something off of my chest. And reader discretion is heavily advised. This post is not for the faint of heart, the narrow-minded & judgmental, or the easily triggered, angered or nauseated individuals. I have not been myself for 3 years now, and it is because I have been living with a decision I have tried to run from for 3 years now, to not have to think about or face the truth of the severity of my choices, let alone the consequences I have always feared to come after me as punishment for what I've done. I have been at constant battle with myself for several years, now. I've distanced myself from my friends and family, I've become a near-total recluse, I've developed severe and crippling depression, anxiety and personality disorders, and I feel as though for the past 3 years, I have not been able to authentically be myself, because I didn't even recognize myself anymore.. I developed social anxiety and severe health complications because of the stress & trauma that never left my body. It was the most traumatic experience I have ever put myself through, and it is not one I wish to ever repeat. I hope that one day I am able to forgive myself. But I'm still not sure about that. Everyday, there is always this constant and nagging emotional pressure that something is off, something's not right, something is WRONG, but I could never put my finger on it, I could never REMEMBER. So I would continue my days distracting myself from my emotions simply because I didn't understand them. I started new projects, new friendships, new books and tried so hard everyday to keep my mind preoccupied with TV, activities, work, ANYTHING that kept me from talking about myself, to not be left all alone with my mind and the pain I couldn't remember but felt weighing me down so heavily each and every day. My mind blocked out my emotional pain as I convinced myself it was what I wanted and that I would be fine. I convinced myself that I shouldn't care. And my mind went to work on helping me to forget. I've been running from my own mind non-stop for 3 years and I am just so, so tired of it. Everyone who knows me personally knows that I grew up a very sheltered, closed-off life, and I did not know much, if anything about the world I lived in. I was cheery and happy-go-lucky and so, so naive. I am nothing close to the same person I was before. I am morose. Brooding and dark. My mind is so cut off from happiness, it took a long time and a wonderful man to remind me what happiness felt like again. After this post, or before you even finish it, if you want to unfriend me or talk shit or comment your opinion or whatever the fuck, I don't really care. There's nothing anyone can say to me that I haven't already thought of myself, that I haven't already shamed myself for and wallowed in my anger and regret. I deserve to learn to love myself one day, and it starts with not caring about everyone's opinion, especially those who have no clue what the hell I've gone through. So here it is. 3 years ago I found out I was pregnant by my ex. We had had a few discussions before about if we ever had a child, what would we name him or her, what they would look like, etc. But ultimately it always came down to him telling me that he would not ALLOW me to ruin his life with a child if it ever came down to it. I remember staring at that pregnancy test with horror. I couldn't believe I was this STUPID! How could I have allowed myself to get pregnant?? I didn't know what to do. So I postponed. I tried to see if somehow the universe would save me and cause a miscarriage, I'd get in an accident, or something would happen that would cause me not to be forced to make the hardest decision I've ever had to in my entire life. I was always pro-choice, but I believed that when it came down to it, I could never bring myself to kill an innocent child, let alone one of my own. I never wanted this, not yet.. Everyday, there were non-stop questions from my ex: why was I waiting so long? We already agreed to not have children this early, right?? Why was I even considering other options? Was I fucking stupid? Why the fuck did I think I was actually going to have a child? I felt stuck, and I was mortified. Why couldn't I be someone else, someone stronger, someone less afraid? Why did I have to care so much? The questions never stopped. This was my first relationship, let alone my first pregnancy, yet my ex looked to me with utter and absolute disgust. He made me feel ashamed for procreating, and guilt-tripped me everyday about how horrible and stupid I must have been to want to have a child. It was a very verbally abusive relationship, and at times, physically abusive because he was the worst alcoholic, and sometimes terrifying when he drank.. He began to distance himself from me, he stopped talking to me, he would barely look me in the face. The fear started to set in, and I began to worry about everyone I may lose if I DID have a child; The way my family worked, they would usually cut people off in the family if you weren't living your life according to "the plan". College, career, marriage THEN children. It was always cold cut and set in stone. I knew that my family would not support me or my child, and they would never have the chance to get to know their family. I was afraid of the opinions of my peers, because I was shallow and weak-minded. I was afraid of my mother turning her back on me and my father shaming me and my child every day of our lives. I was afraid I wouldn't make enough money, of having nowhere to live if I couldn't support us. I couldn't do that to a child, bring them into the world and them subject them to starvation, poverty and the ruthlessness of this horrible planet. I didn't know a damn thing about this world or how to care for someone else. I was afraid of the horrific and agonizing pain of childbirth. I was afraid my body was too small and weak, and that I would die and leave my child in the hands of my ex. That just couldn't happen.. I had considered adoption, but after much discussion with my ex, I was afraid of what he may do to me, how he would act towards me, if I decided to continue with the pregnancy.. He didn't care and I did not realize this until way too late anyway. I was terrified, alone in my conflicted emotions, and felt that I had nowhere to turn for support. The one thing I never stopped to consider was what it would feel like to completely lose MYSELF. Because I later realized, no matter what choices you make, no matter how you live your life, people will ALWAYS have shit to say about the decisions you make for yourself. Imagine feeling so isolated and afraid that you believe you cannot even turn to your own family for help when contemplating taking a life? I tried to deliberately spend all of my money, so that I wouldn't have to follow through with this decision, but he always had enough and took me to my appointments. And when the day came and I was a fucking nervous wreck, I had somehow convinced myself that he would be there by my side, as I fucking killed our child together, at least there to hold my hand since he was so adamant about it happening in the first place. Instead, he said he wanted to go hang out with his dog and come see me when it was done. Did he not get it?? They asked if I wanted to hear the heartbeat of my child. I had to hold back a lot of tears as I told them no. I accepted the offer to keep the ultrasound photo though, so I would always remember my precious baby, my little unborn life. I kept it in my wallet, which later got stolen after over a year. I still cry when I think about this sometimes.. I will never see her again.. My fault anyway, right? I always felt it would be a little baby girl.. They told me I had to take these pills because I had never given birth or had an abortion before, which would open up my cervix, as it does during childbirth, and widen it so they'd be able to put their tools inside. They said it would be incredibly painful, and that they were so, so sorry, but they did not prepare me for the worst, most agonizing pain I have ever had to endure. They told me that other women who had the procedure, and have also given birth to children said the pain this would cause was almost identical to the pain of childbirth, because the cervix would be forcibly opening itself using contractions, just as it does when preparing for the birth of a child. But as people also say about childbirth absolutely NOTHING can prepare you for the blinding pain. At this point, I was wondering if I would have just been better off going through the pains of childbirth. Too late.. I had uncontrollable spasms in my abdomen. I was alone in a clinic full of 40-50 people, in complete, blinding pain and no one to help me and not a shoulder to lean on. I just needed help, needed to cry and scream, but there was no one beside me except a stranger. I vomited several times. I had diarrhea. I was so so so anxious because I was about to kill my baby. My poor little baby.. I was seeing spots and I just cannot describe the most mind-numbing pain ever imaginable. I missed them calling my name 3 times because I was in the bathroom, vomiting and at a complete loss of any will to continue with my life. They don’t let you sit in the back in comfortable chairs with the heating pad, food and ibuprofen until AFTER you have your abortion. So I was left to deal with unbearable pain to the audience of 50 strangers. On occasion, when the pain would get so paid, and I felt like I was honestly going to fall over and die, right then, right there, I would curl into the fetal position across 2 chairs, tuck my head in, and fight back my tears as I tried to process wave after wave of unimaginable pain. I could barely fucking breathe. Once again, my choice, right? Instead of love and support, there was only me, telling myself lie after lie, that I wanted this, that this was the best decision for me, that I hated children anyway and never wanted them in the first place. It was as if I rewired my entire mind to convince myself that this was truly what I wanted, when the only reason I did it was for fear of everything else, fear of the unknown. I betrayed myself. Why would anyone love me or support me when I was doing something so horrific and ugly? I felt like deserved to die. This is where it gets a bit more graphic.. When I was called back to the office, there was the doctor who injects the inside of my uterus with some kind of numbing agent 3 separate times. I am awake for the procedure. There is a nurse standing beside my bed. She tells me she is there to hold my hand if I need it, if it becomes too painful, that she is there for me and I can squeeze as hard as I want if I wanted to cry.. Hearing her say that caused me to tear up, because she was the only person that was there for me at all that day. Where was the person I thought would be there to hold my hand? Everyone else that COULD have been there for me, I chose to keep them out of what was going on in my life and now I am here, alone, killing a child I never wanted to murder and abandon.. It is quick, but it is quite painful. She uses a small, metallic instrument to push past my cervix and she sucks out my unborn child. It was like a vacuum that she moved vigorously inside this few inch space within my small, fragile and delicate body. It was the worst type of pressure, invasive and wrong, moving around my insides and scraping along my body. Regret. It was the first time I had ever seen a dead body, and it was the bits and pieces of the bloody flesh of my unborn child sucked into a vacuum-like device, to be discarded in the trash and forgotten about when it could have created the most beautiful and wonderful life. I felt sick. My child would have been born in July of 2015. She would have been 2 years old now.. When my procedure was over, I called my ex to come pick me up. He promptly dropped me off and left me at home all alone again to hang out with his friends, even as I sobbed and said I really felt like I couldn't be alone. I had no support, and I never knew how to ask for help. I was too ashamed to tell anyone in my family about it. I thought my mom would be so disappointed in me.. She was so much more understanding and supportive than I ever imagined. My fault again. I always had this insane paranoia that everyone, even my own family, was always against me. My ex began to distance himself from me, he yelled at me more, he cursed at me, he was always gone almost every night. It was always me alone with my sadness and my worries and my regret. Always only my fault. Why was I so weak? When I would cry about it, he would mock me, and ask why the fuck I was even sobbing. He didn't want to listen to why it hurt me so much, and he did not fucking care. I was alone with my pain. Alone with my decision. Alone with my murder. And I felt like I deserved that. And a whole lot more. After my abortion, I just pretended like it never happened, and when I even told my best friend at the time, I tried to make light of the situation as if it were no big deal. I felt like I couldn’t be myself with anyone, mostly because I didn't FEEL like myself anymore. I barely recognized this sad, broken girl. I am afraid I will never have children. I am afraid that all of the health issues I keep experiencing are directly tied with this event. I am afraid that I made a decision I was NEVER supposed to make in the first place, and by doing so completely altered my entire reality because of it.. Persistent, never-ending thoughts. But I can't keep doing this to myself. At some point I have to move forward. Learn and grow stronger. This was the most traumatic experience I have ever gone through, and I am still reeling 3 years later. I don't doubt that I will always feel the weight of this forever. These are the memories I must live with for the rest of my life- the sight of the bloody, gory remains of my unborn child and the weight of feeling like I can never forgive myself for throwing away my child. I felt I had no choice, but oh I wish I could tell my younger self, sweetie there are ALWAYS choices, even when there seems to be none. So to those friends who distanced themselves from me because I seemed “different”, to the friends who gave up on me & felt I was distant, abnormal, uncaring in my friendships, a horrible friend, or thought I hated them or chose to move on with my life without them, I am sorry. It was never you. It was always me. I never felt like I could talk about it. I didn’t know how I could continue on with my friendships and my life when I felt so at odds with myself every day of my life. How could I be around you and your beautiful children when I felt repulsed by myself and the apparent lack of moral character i swore I would always hold on to? How could I bring my energy around your children when I didn't even want my own? How could I sit there and listen to you talk about losing your friends to murder, losing your brothers, you mothers losing their children while I was the demon in the room who ended her own child’s life? Constant, relentless guilt. I felt so unlike myself, unrecognizeable because of the overwhelming negativity I felt for what I had done. Self-loathing, self-hating.I was embarrassed & I felt like I didn’t deserve friendship, I didn’t deserve to be around the people I loved, that no one would want to be around me anyway because I was a horrible, nasty person. I mean, you guys were just CRUEL when it came to topics on abortion lol. No one should have to feel like this. No one. Everyday I just distracted myself until I became so distant from the trauma that when asked what was wrong, why I was depressed, I wouldn’t even be able to remember why anymore because I was constantly feeling guilty. But why should I continue to feel guilty for something that I felt was the best decision for me at the time? And now that time has passed and I'm ready to move tf on. And honestly, this has just been what I feel like was the elephant in the room with every social interaction I had with my friends, I always felt conflicted. I was too afraid to allow myself to become vulnerable, and once again my fear was the only thing holding me back from living up to my truest potential. I have been so angry and cruel with myself, so unforgiving and hateful to every decision I have made since then. I have been excessively depressed, at times even suicidal, and the only person able to bring me back to myself, back to reality, has always and only ever been Eric.. But all I can do is learn and grow from the decisions & mistakes of the past, and live in the knowledge that I can do things differently if I had another chance the second time around.. <3