#sometimes i think like 'have i changed? that hasnt happened in quite awhile'

[britneyshakespeare]

i have a very peculiar life where i've often, due to chronic illness and the resulting reclusive tendencies from said illness, just plain not associated with people of my own age on a regular basis for months or years at a time. but when i do go out, i'm, like, not an unattractive or socially unsuccessful person. well i'm not necessarily socially successful but i'm not unattractive. and i'll look back on like a certain period sometimes and realize that i had a lot of people trying to pursue me romantically, and i'm like "hey what happened to that? its been such a long while since anybody asked me out........."

"oh yeah i dont leave the house"

[the-benevolent-beast]

Who is best friends with who?

**Glad you asked!! I’ll do Best friends and also general friends- Jade has been ‘childhood’ friends with Jeffery for a long time; (since he made his debut in the UR, really- she was the.. second? person he actually got to know alittle after being dragged down there))She’s been friends with him since, and even went through schooling (the Institute) with him; in fact, Eyeless was also in their graduating class, and she considers him a friend as well.However, things have gotten a bit r o c k y in their friendship (which wont be discussed currently but theres a few negatives), and Jade has seemed to spend more time with the likes of Will than with him. Jade seems a bit happier lately since she’s befriended Will as well..She met Will under rather specific circumstances, but seems more than happy to lend him a hand and, much to his surprise, actually actively seems to like being his friend and hanging out with him or helping him. Yes, she’s known for her benevolence (and or malevolence if the need arises), but she just felt an odd click with him. She finds him kind and dorky, but also deteminded and just a tad idiotic- but hey, who isnt? Basically, she really likes this one- its a nice change after enduring alot of Jeffery’s... stuff, towards her....Even if Will is friends and roommates with... h i m.In conclusion; Jade is/was(?) Best Friends with Jeffery (while Jeffery also considers Ben a best friend of course), is good friends with Eyeless, is on good terms with a good handful of other individuals, and has been getting along quite nicely with Will. If she had to admit it, she’s taken quite a liking to Will, and he may be the soon runner up for that Best Friend position...- Jeffery, as stated above, has been ‘childhood’ friends with Jade since he met her all those years ago, having met and gotten to know her quite well. He also (somehow) made good friends with the likes of Ben and Penny, while at least being on okay terms with Eyeless and a few others from their Graduating class. Though, admittedly, looking back on it now it seems he did take advantage of Jade and the others quite a bit, but its not like him to dwell on the past too much so he himself doesnt think about it like Jade has. He isn’t someone who has alot of friends, or actively makes them; if anything, no one at this point forward wants to be his friend. He’s rude and full of himself, tends to take advantage of those close to him sometimes, and has made quite the showing as of late of being a selfish asshole, also probably needs a shower. In Jade’s words, she feels he’s only gotten worse over the passed few years, and she’s starting to get annoyed/hurt by it, as she cant really see why he’s stooped so low lately.In conclusion; Jeffery is/was(?) Best friends with Jade, Best friends with Ben (though he’s not around much, doin’ his own thing, and also not in this barrel of a party that is the blog), good friends with Penny, on okay-ish terms with Eyeless, and thats about it. Oh, and Smile- Smile has been his good boi best pal for awhile now, and Smile seems indifferent. Ongoing feuds with Jane, annoyance or aggression towards others, and his boasting and thinking he’s one of the best has made everyone either ignore or avoid him- as you do.- Eyeless gets along just fine with anyone he meets, as he isn’t much of a talker and has a more silent understanding. If he doesnt like someone, he either would make it known or just look the other way and ignore them. While he doesnt actively have a best friend that could be seen as another individual, he does see Seedie as a good companion and could easily consider her a Best Friend in a way. He see’s Jade as a good individual that he’s spent some time with and even ran into while ‘out on the field’ (in the OW). While he’s on okay-ish terms with Jeffery, he easily admits that the selfish-vibe Jeff gives him isn’t one he likes.In conclusion; Best friend is Seedie, good friends or positive acquaintances with a handful if not most others.- LJ .... well. No One likes LJ. He himself isn’t sure why everyone dislikes him so much, but he’s so used to it at this point that he hasnt questioned it in quite some time. Maybe its personal things to each individual, or maybe its an agreed upon disliking for him by a group or more of individuals, but either way- its pretty obvious that Jack is one of the least liked out of anyone. Maybe its something he did? Said? Still does? Who knows...But then again, one night out in the field (out in the OverWorld), he was interrupted by a small kid- roughly no older than six. In fact, the six year old had just caught him gutting and lowkey strangling a seven year old that the younger had been been having a ‘sleep over’ with. The six year old didnt run, or scream, or seem frightened- no, in fact, he seemed curious. After seeing the seven year old cut open and hanging on by a thread, the six year old just stood there, silent but curious. He looked to Jack, and Jack stared back; with a look of surprise no less- he wasn’t used to getting caught in the act by other kids, he was used to hearing the hurried footsteps of paranoid and frantic mothers or fathers and then getting caught in the act by them instead. Then that night finished in a blur- the six year old doesnt remember much after that but isn’t allowed to that house again. The distraught and paranoid family of the then gutted deceased seven year old moved away shortly after.Jack felt odd after that night- something about how the kid wasn’t scared by him at all, but intrigued instead. It didnt take long before he found the kid again, but alone. He was home alone, although with a babysitter (who wasn’t paying any attention to him). Jack observed the kid for a bit, finding him to be fairly lonely, but not at all a brat. He was curious, and albeit a tad stupid in actions (a crazy lil kid who always managed to do the most outlandish or dorky of things without being a brat), was a good kid. He felt no desire to harm this one, and in fact started to feel a tad odd on the inside. Fuzzy, somewhere in his chest or head, or something. A ‘bond’, maybe. He was in denial about any "bond” when it crossed his mind, but looking back on it now he realizes it most likely definitely is. After a bit, he decided to show himself to the kid- with less blood on his hands this time- to which the youngster seemed more than happy to see him again- and this time in his more well lit bedroom instead of a dark room on a stormy night. Well, that was a start to an surprisingly good friendship.Oh, who’s the six year old, you ask?Well, it was William of course!In conclusion; he considers Will his good lil best buddy and has for years. Jack has sort of been the best friend, sorta the weird uncle like sort of figure in Will’s life, and later lazyboned roommate,,And for a bit, he’s sort of tried to get on Jade’s good side since she started coming around to Will- but it doesnt seem to be working...- William is a fresh newcomer to the UR and... really doesnt have any friends. He never has, really. He’s had peers, kids his age, his parents, and thats about it. Well, until he had been picked up by a friend of his mothers to have a small sleep over with her own son a good 35 minutes away- to a sleep over that ‘didnt end well’ and one he cant really remember much from.His parents were always busy, so asking their friends who also had kids if they could do a sleep over wasn’t uncommon. He was often left to play and hang out with kids around his age who already knew eachother- which means he was usually left out of things and never made any friends. he was always late to the party when it came to making friends with his parent’s friend’s kids. He was usually quiet around others, and when it was apparent that none of them wanted to be his friend, he got even quieter the whole time he wasn’t home.He was a good kid, so his mother (who paid more attention to him than his father, and actually tried to be there for him) didnt understand why..But after a certain event took place during one of the sleep overs he had been too, his mother had been too scared to let him out, and instead started to have a babysitter instead. That’s when she noticed he seemed to get alittle happier- but unknown to her, it was because of a certain clown instead of any babysitter. Regardless, she was just relieved and joyed to see him just a tad happier.As he grew up, and throughout his school years, he never made any friends, as others always seemed to ignore or avoid him, or act as if he wasn’t there. So, no friends all throughout his child and teen years- well, aside from Jack, who has always sort of been there for him. However, when he got to age 13 and beyond, Jack seemed to come around less and less, but still made efforts to see his ‘best buddy’. So even though he know he had Jack as a friend and ‘support’, he still felt rather lonely, and sometimes (even though he didn’t show it) the whole ‘no one likes him’ would get into his head and his feelings.Fast forward to finishing high school and getting kicked out soon after, Will basically begged Jack to bring him to the UR- to start anew there and be the best killer he (had nearly never mentioned that he) wanted to be. It caught Jack off guard, as it’d been quite awhile since he’d let the UR slip in convo with this kid and wasn't entirely sure about bringing him there... but it happened.Fast forward again, the boi is finally somewhat sorta settled in the UR and just started more schooling- the Institute... and still has plenty of trouble making any friends or even acquaintances. Which isn't surprising, as its the UR, but he thought he’d at least have another chance... but then he met Jade.Which, ultimately, seemed to put him at ease- as she was more than happy to befriend him and get to know him on such a level... despite being one of his teachers...  In conclusion; Will considers Jack to be his best friend and has for years, and see’s Jade in a similar light so far. He still gets sorta awkward and flush around her bc having a new friend for once is sorta really weird to him, especially (another) one that could easily slaughter him in seconds but he appreciates her friendship.. alot. He appreciates both of them, even if one is a lazyboned clown with a habit of being hated by others, and the other being a fluffy beast but with soft intentions and actually doesnt mind him at all.**so theres that- geez I wrote alot for LJ and Will, forgive me,,,,**also forgive if anything seems muddled, its like 2:20 am

[ffuuuuuuuck]

september 24, 2019

Today was such a bad day my thoughts kept pulling me in different directions- all of them bad

ended up skipping class today, thought about dropping out of school entirely like a lot

like, i know im capable of it and it’s not even hard, it’s just the looming fear of failing again like i did in my first highschool. I’m falling into the same patterns, it’s getting harder to maintain a positive mentality. it sucks because i was doing so good and then one thing sets me off and im back on my bullshit. 

somehow writing it out makes me feel a little better, makes it feel like the thoughts aren’t all just stuck in my head. 

my family helped today- my mom sang one direction with me in the car because i think she could tell I was on the verge of crying lol. That’s what she used to do with me in middle school and felt bad about the way i looked- it was cheesy and dorky but nice. she also took me to meet my baby cousin for the first time since she’d been born-5 months old and shes fat as fuck but also cute as fuck

i think i might just go back to spending time with my family again- it was easier than having to deal with friends. I love them, but i don’t feel the same with them anymore. it was different when i was into the same shit- smoking weed, doing drugs, doing nothing but walking around all the time. but now i’ve got school and work and actual responsibilities, and none of them seem to get that. Some of them even get mad because i cant spend as much time with them. I understand being upset, but it just makes me feel worse because i already feel worn thin. Plus, we dont really have anything in common anymore other than weed. Even that i’ve been trying to quit, but that’s all they ever wanna do and my lungs are all burnt out. And frankly, i like the feeling of being sober better than being high now. 

I guess that’s the only thing me and Maurice had in common. When we first became friends,  i was so happy to have someone like me. Into musicals, into anime, into all these dorky things my other friends weren’t into. but now its nothing but weed or talking about her ex boyfriend, or our friend bianca. I’m really glad her and bianca get along so well- i knew they would, i would always try getting all of us to hangout so they could get to know eachother more. But now it just feels like im on the outside. Whenever im with them they always just go off in their own space, talk about their own things that i can’t contribute because i wasnt there or not in on their inside jokes. I tried for awhile to just get used to it, because i shouldve been just happy that they were happy. But then they started hanging out without me all the time, and yeah, it makes me a little sad but no biggie it’s not like theyre my only friends. it feels like im not allowed to feel anything, like anything negative that i feel is just a sign that im getting bad again. But it hurts, like a lot. Bianca is always going on about stuff she told maurice, how maurice said that and that her and maurice always do this, and how great maurice is. Maurice is always saying how amazing bianca is and how much she loves her, how’re theyre gonna go do this and that. lately they started inviting me to hangout with them, but at this point it just feels more like pity than anything. Even when we’re all together, it’s like im intruding on their space. It just sucks. Like it’s not like i want to break them apart or anything, or for them to include me more. I don’t really want anything to happen, like im happy they get along. I just feel shitty about it. Even today, i found out something new about Bianca and yeah it was cool learning that about her but she threw in “really you didnt know? Maurice knows” and i dont know why but it stung. Probably because i was already feeling shitty today. 

Maurice had asked me earlier in the day to hangout with them tomorrow- but it was only because it had come up in the conversation because i had told her about something concerning bianca. and honestly, i felt like i couldnt go on pretending anymore to be ok. so i told her that i didnt mean to sound like a dick but i didnt really like hanging out with the two of them together- but i still liked hanging out with them seperately. which, typing this out now i realize i really went the wrong way about this. It’s different when its just me and maurice and me and bianca, its not much different and nice. but when theyre together i just feel really crummy. i wanted to try to tell her that but she just told me “okay whatever i dont even wanna ask why.” and hasnt talked to me since. my mom said if they cared theyd understand, but im not sure i even went about it the right way, if there is a right way to tell your friends that. I told her what happened and she said that bianca would talk to me about it because my mom said that she definitely cares. 

But when i told bianca about it, about maurice being upset with me and what i had said, all she said was how did they exclude me. That we played cards together that one time. That we had gone to go get hair dye that one time. I explained to her that yeah, when we went to go get hair dye it felt better because i was actually apart of their conversation. but the other times i just didnt feel like i belonged there with them. She wasnt upset about it like maurice was, but she seemed... i dunno, annoyed? not annoyed but like it was just me back on my bullshit. like it was all in my head. I think she did say it was all in my head. And after we left school a guy we knew was supposed to come with us, and she said “What, are you gonna feel excluded because Robbys coming?” in a really sarcastic voice. I just put in my headphones after that and actually did my homework. Because im supposed to be the chill one- im supposed to be the emotionless one, the one who doesnt let anything bother them because if i acknowledge that im hurt, then that means i could be getting unhealthy again. But fuck dude it did hurt. I barely tell my friends what I feel, and to be shot down like that, to be treated like i was just acting dumb again really hurt. especially because it wasnt like i was asking for anything to be different, other than me not wanting to hang out anymore. also especially coming from bianca. Out of all the people, i felt like i could count on her the most. I guess i was wrong again. Which sucks because its not like my brain goes to “ok they were a dick that time whatever”. When im not feeling good (aka when im not drugged out), my brain immedietely goes to wow what a dumbass trusting people again. 

It didnt help that Quenten came to hangout today. I normally love seeing her, and everytime i see her she vents about her problems and i support her because i know she has a lot on her plate all the time. But today it just made things worse. She vented like usual and i tried to support her the best i could, but when i tried to talk about something that was bothering me she kinda just shut me down. Cut me off, started talking about her problems again. Usually she does that, but today it hurt because i really needed someone to talk to, and i thought we were that person for eachother. 

Some shit went down with this Guy one time, and its kind of fucked me up. For awhile i tried my best not to let it get to me, tried staying friends with him and making the best of a situation because everyone told me that it wasnt that big of a deal. Not directly, but through their body language, the way they just change the subject, so i just believed that. Tried letting it go till eventually it built up inside me and blew up and left me feeling ruined. The other night i saw the Guy, and i had been doing so good, had been feeling happy and safe and just better. But he walked past me and it was like all of that just fell apart, i felt terrified again and unsafe and it was that feeling all over again, of not getting a choice, of not getting to have control, of putting my complete trust in someone only for it to be ruined. Anyways, its been leaving me fucked up for the past couple of days, and i just needed someone to talk to that wouldnt brush me aside. Im not sure why i thought that though. Quentin still thought highly of the Guy, still cared about his opinion i guess. its not like they were friends, but still. I shouldve known she wouldve blown me off when i tried talking about that situation. 

I might need to see a counselor about it, because theres no one that i can even really talk to about it. I tried with this one girl, and she really helped me. But then it turned into a shit show because she outed the guy when i asked her not to, and one of my ex good friends came to me, and basically said i was making it up. when before we stopped being friends she believed me and understood why i got scared around the Guy. I guess that situation fucked me up too lol. But theres no one i can talk to, no one i can even bounce my thoughts off of. I wish i could talk to my mom about this. Sometimes she’s really good with this shit. But i know telling her about this will just make my life worse. Ill go to being looked at like some broken pitiful thing. Im not. I might be broken but im strong and i dont want to be pitied or someone to get mad in my place. I think some part of her already knows.

I think im done talking for today. Guess spilling my guts is too much too. 

[thelifetimechannel]