#something pertaining to the amount i drink in social situations or something about my mental health/the SSRIs i take

[regular-lord-reckoner]

so, a dude i used to go to high school with messaged me out of the blue the other day 

and me being me (world’s dumbest bitch award recipient 1990-present) i’m willing to give this the benefit of a doubt 

i mean...me also being the tired bitch i am just flat out asked him why he messaged me (i wasn’t mean about it, but after the chit-chat catch up stuff it’s like...what do you want from me?) 

and basically i guess he’s just in a place where he doesn’t really have a lot of friends in town and he doesn’t really talk to anyone from high school anymore, so he’s reconnecting with some folks and he remembers me being pretty cool, plus a good person to talk to and i guess he’s been having a rough time lately so basically it’s just “hey, wanna get coffee sometime and catch up/talk?” that kind of thing 

which again like...alright 

it wouldn’t kill me to make new friends or i guess in this case reconnect with an old friend even though we were never really that close in high school, but fine 

i’m still...suspicious because i dunno 

it’s weird because when i go out into public and just...exist, guys don’t bother me 

i don’t get flirted with, i don’t get harassed, nobody tries to get my number or anything like that, which y’know...is pretty nice although internalized misogyny has me thinking “damn, i’m really that ugly, huh???” but regardless like...that’s my jam, right? 

any of the attention i ever get is either from dudes online who don’t actually know what i look like or dudes who once had crushes on one of (of multiple of) my friends and after being rejected or realizing it wouldn’t work out they finally notice me and are like, “oh yeah, i guess that’s a girl. yeah, sure why not?” 

which...i dunno if this is a sign of what little confidence i do have or if it’s because i hate myself so much that either way i’m just like -___- about the whole thing because it’s not...genuine, y’know? 

just for once in my fucking life i’d like someone to take an interest in me not as an afterthought or because they’ve exhausted all other options or because they’re lonely but just...because it’s me, y’know? 

call me fucking nuts, but i feel like that’s...part of it? feel like that’s a pretty normal thing to want, idk

i’ve certainly liked plenty of people for who they are and their whole deal in general, not because of like...convenience 

and that’s already something i struggle with anyway because in the past i’ve had friendships that i don’t want to entirely discredit because i still feel like somewhere deep down there was...something there, but that nevertheless got to a place where it was just like...this person only keeps me around because i buy them things and/or am willing to drop everything to listen to/try to help them with their problems, but when it’s my turn it’s like...golly anna, i don’t know what to say. 

which, to be fair, for my kind of problems i really do just need to see a fuckin’ therapist about because i can’t expect my friends to like...deal with trauma i haven’t even dealt with in almost 10 years or have anyone waste their time trying to rationalize my irrational thinking when we both know no matter what’s said or done...i’m still gonna be super mentally ill about it so like...there’s that 

but especially when it’s anything to do even slightly pertaining to relationships or just...anything it really sucks to feel like the only time anyone wants anything from me in that department is as a last resort

because at least for the shitty friendships i’ve had, i’ve also had good friendships where try as my mind might, i don’t think i’m that person who’s only there because like...might as well, y’know? 

but with relationships and shit like that...no, i don’t have that reassurance 

and again, you can say “oh but anna, you just don’t see the full picture!” but honestly, H O N E S T L Y i don’t think anyone’s ever taken a genuine interest in me because if they have, it’s fuckin’ news to me, it’s never been brought to my attention and that’s not even me being oblivious like...it’s just not there 

at best, i’ve had some promising conversations on places like okcupid but shit tends to fizzle out pretty quickly and it never amounts to anything 

and again, i guess i’ll...give myself some credit here because i could definitely see how all things combined a dude just messaging me and maaaaaaybe being interested would theoretically be enough for me to be like “holy shit, holy shit, holy shit!!!!” but i’m mostly just...tired. 

i dunno

it may turn out dude just genuinely wants a friend and he’s casting out a net to people he thinks are cool and just trying to reconnect with people. i get that. 

i obviously love my online friends and i love my real life friends, but i don’t get to see my online friends that much and even my real life friends all live like ~2 hours away from me, so it’s not like i can just get off work and go meet up to hang out just whenever and for the most part, that’s fine, i’m not someone who constantly needs to be going out all the time, but there’s a part of me that’s like...yeah, it’d be nice if i had people closer to home i could just go get some coffee with or maybe grab dinner with sometime 

and if that’s the case like...hey, no worries 

but if it’s anything more than that i’m already dreading having to shut that shit down because i may not think i’m worth anything, but that doesn’t mean i need to like...exacerbate my problems by letting some dude use me 

and i hate to even think that because this dude may have the purest of intentions and, more likely than not, just sees me as a bro and would be thrown off if he knew i was even suspicious but...shit is what it is 

it wouldn’t be the first time a dude i went to high school with took interest in me seemingly out of the blue, but only come to find out it’s because they exhausted all their other options (usually my friends, so that was cool) and figured, “meh, this’ll do” or that one time i “””””dated”””” someone for a week and it turns out he was engaged the whole time??? yeah, that was cool. suuuuuuuper cool 

i mean...i’m not AT ALL fucked in the head about my self esteem and feeling like in spite of me wanting a relationship super badly that it’s never going to fucking happen for me because i’m either too ugly or too mentally ill or too boring or just...whatever for that to be possible, but on top of that let’s pile dudes who only ever perk up to me when they’re at their lowest and figure drinking gasoline when you’re dying of thirst is better than nothing 

it’s FINE 

i’m FINE 

do i need to go to therapy? uh-yeah, abso-fucking-lutely 

and i’m trying to take baby steps, i really am, i’ve been looking at local therapists and shit like that but at the same time i uh...i’m gonna have to...unpack a lot of shit i put in a box about ten years ago and just...never really dealt with 

and there’s a part of me that’s like...well, i made it ten years without opening that box, surely i can make it another ten. and then another. and then another etc. (not that i want to live that long anyway, but i also didn’t think i’d make it this far so surprise, 8 year old me who wanted nothing more than to just fuckin’ die. we’re still here, on this bitch of an earth in this fuck of an existence and we’re still...doin’ it) 

but i also know that it’s entirely possible one day all of that shit’s just gonna...breach the surface and i’ll likely have a complete and utter meltdown so that’s...not great 

also just in general, i have...a lot of shit i need to work on about myself, about how i feel about myself, etc. but boy oh boy is that a rough motivation to stir up when the conversation between you and you is basically: 

me: um, hey we should probably like...try to do something about all this? you’re almost 30, don’t you think you should...try to get better? try to be a better you? get a handle on your shit, maybe?

me: absolutely not, i fucking suck, i’ve always sucked, and if you think there’s something underneath all of this that doesn’t suck, my friend, have i got news for you. it’s all suck. all the way down. you know how you’re working on a project or whatever’s a good metaphor here, and you make a mistake, but you try to fix it or just keep going but shit just gets worse and worse and worse and eventually it’s not fixable anymore and from no way, shape, or angle could the finished product be considered good and you’d just do better to throw the whole fuckin’ thing out and start from scratch? 

me: i mean yeah, i guess 

me: okay, well that’s you, my friend

me: oh worm? 

me: worm 

so...y’know, it’s rough 

i’m not saying i won’t, i know this shit is tough no matter what and my situation is in no way unique it’s just...taking me some time to get to that point where i even feel like i deserve it or that i’d be willing to do it 

REGARDLESS i’m willing to give this entire situation a chance 

he said something about maybe meeting up saturday to get some coffee or something, so we’ll see if that ends up happening and how that goes and maybe once i actually talk to him face to face i can get a better read on the entire situation 

i just...at this point, i really just hope he wants to be friends 

i know a young, less jaded me would probably be freaking out because a guy i thought was cute in high school wants to hang out with me, oh boy!!! but present me is a little too cynical and definitely just...tired of feeling like i’m only ever a last resort of last possible option 

i guess i’ll...have an update by this weekend, maybe? 

although if dude says or does anything that makes it obvious he’s interested in something more i’ll probably just shut that shit down before it goes anywhere because i don’t really know him that well, but based off his social media it seems like he got out of a relationship not too long ago and it’s not to say you can’t be interested in someone else soon after, but i’m not...the person you want to talk to if you want a rebound, my guy 

i’m nearly a 30 year old virgin, i’ve got...literally nothing to offer you except for disappointment 

this kind of thing just...exhausts me because i feel like i can already see ten miles away how this ends and i’m just...so, so, so fucking tired of feeling like this. i’m so tired of only ever being seen as like...possible rebound option or vulnerable lonely girl ripe for plucking or, my favorite, the girl nobody pays attention to until they’re done fawning over my friends 

i’d honest to god just rather go the rest of my life being completely ignored and never bothered than to deal with that again and again and again 

but i’ll try not to get too ahead of myself and not be so pessimistic 

try being the key word here 

[madnadidraw]

Parents/Caregivers Take Note:

It is currently 12:15 AM at the time of me beginning to write this. 

The night before this post, I tried to make a text after 11 PM  (it was at 11:10 PM to be exact) and found that my phone would not send the text. I then received a text from my cellular service provider (CSP) stating that “Your phone has been restricted by the account owner. You cannot send messages until the time of day restriction ends”. The very first thing I did was screenshot it, send it to my mom (because I knew it was her that had done this), and asked if she was serious, and why? She was hoping it would help me go to bed sooner, but added that she had started it as of a week or so ago. I replied that this could only hurt my situation.

Why? Because I stay up until very late, the absolute earliest I go to bed is 2 AM and that is rare. I usually end up falling asleep at 4 AM, or I don’t sleep at all. Why? Because I have chronic nightmares that leave me waking up unable to get out of bed in time for school. Why? Because I have been through traumatic experiences, and every time I dream I relive those experiences. Just mentioning my dreams is breaking me close to a breakdown, but this post is important.

My mom is aware of all of the above information 

Turning off my texting and calling abilities only meant I could not reach out to any type of mental health professionals (specifically the ones I use), usually not something I’d need, but important in a crisis. Here’s where we get to the important bit, crises. Catastrophic breakdowns. Ones that greatly inhibit my ability to do much of anything, or at least specific tasks.

It is currently 12:27 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for the past 12 minutes.

At 11:04pm I open up Snapchat, the app I use to message everybody I am relatively close to, excluding family, to respond to a text from my partner. It does not go through. I try again. Nothing. Again. Nothing. I try all kinds of social media again, and again and again. And Again Nothing Again Nothing Again Nothing Again Nothing Again Nothing Again Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. No. Thing. At all. I am locked out. Now. Now I’m in crisis. For the past hour and a half I have been riding the waves of “IM HAVING A BREAKDOWN” and “I cannot shut down I have work to do”. I have done nothing but cope for the past hour and a half, yet I am still trying to do work before I fall asleep. I am currently on my desktop, rather than a mobile device in bed, to avoid falling asleep. 

It is currently 12:36 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for the past 21 minutes. 

Why? Because I have a test tomorrow, a test which I have to teach myself content for due to extreme amounts of absences. A test I cannot afford to get any less than an A on, as grades close quite soon for this quarter. A quarter I cannot afford to fail (or receive less than an A on), because then I’ll be stressed for all of next quarter, because this is the only AP level or college level course that I have had an A in this year, all year. An A I promised myself I would get, because last year I constantly rode the line of a high C and a low B. I ended up getting a C first semester, and a B second semester. The C was a result of my traumatic experiences, and I promised I wouldn’t let that affect my math grade ever again, because math has always been one of my strongest classes. One of the strongest reasons I had been admitted to my dream school. Failing this test? Not an option. So, since I got home from school, finished dinner, and grounded and isolated myself (7 PM) I had been working on studying for this test. That’s four straight hours of studying, which is extremely abnormal, as I rarely do any assignments, much less studying. But at 11:04 PM that all stopped. Everything stopped. I shut down. I focused on grounding, coping, and recovering. I had had a terrible day, all day. 

It is currently 12:47 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for the past 32 minutes.

Why? I had gone to bed early. So I had a nightmare. So I was uncomfortable from the start, I was ashamed, paranoid, triggered, scared, and I hated every inch of my body, but I didn’t want to be late again to first period. So I forced myself to make this a good day. It was a Wednesday. We had Friday off (Good Friday). I could get through this day. I didn’t have the ability to attend the partial hospitalization program (PHP) I attend to treat my PTSD today, because of an appointment I had been planning for months (well before I knew I would be in PHP). But I knew I would be there tomorrow, and although I usually leave school at 12:45 PM, my appointment would have me relatively excited, so it felt as though it would balance out. It didn’t.

It is currently 12:55 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for the past 40 minutes.

 Assembly for seniors which pertains to the big class events, mainly Senior Prom. My friends decide to sit directly in front of The Jocks TM, people I just generally don’t get along with, but I followed because I can handle myself. Or I thought so. A group of The Jocks TM decided to boo when our principal came out to speak about senior prom. I needed as much info as possible, because I am bringing my partner to senior prom, and they attend a different school. So I am already anxious and nervous, but they’re making it worse because I can’t listen and get the info I need. And then he mentions the breathalyzers, a mandatory part of just about every prom across my state. And they boo. They’re yelling, so much so that the principal has to pause and wait. This wouldn’t be a big deal, but now I’m worried about senior prom. Now I’m worried they’re going to do their best to get absolutely wasted and I do NOT want to bring my partner into that environment. Not because I’m possessive and want to shelter them, but because prom is an expensive event that I invited them to specifically so that we could enjoy it together, even though it was expensive. I haven’t even made it to my second period yet, and my paranoia is already through the roof.

It is currently 1:04 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for the past 49 minutes.

Second period flows, I speak to some people, I calm down a bit. Then third period hits. Third period is my math class. The teacher would be out, so it was essentially a study hall. I was hoping to use it to catch up/study, but instead I’m discussing the assembly and senior prom with kids I know might have info, some, any, a fucking word idgaf, about what to expect after our principal announced the breathalyzers, I mentioned how I was bringing my partner and they attend a different school, and I didn’t want them to have that as their one and only experience with my school. Nothing. Not an ounce of anything remotely helpful. I’ve already used just about all of this period to discuss senior prom, so I decide to focus on catch up work. Nope. Not happening. Instead a group of kids sitting directly next to me start talking about a trans-girl I know, and they are saying ignorant things. Based on the conversation, I can rationally deduce they weren't being transphobic/homophobic, they just aren’t up to date with the language. But as a now extremely paranoid gay woman, hearing something remotely anti-LGBT put me into an even greater state of paranoia, and fear, because I am openly gay and they are discussing this right next to me. Finally the period ends, and I can relax into one of the two lunch periods I have (because I have a heavily reduced schedule to help cope with stress and trauma, both of which are heavily tied to the school building itself). I get through that, enter my fifth period class, acting, and finally get to my second lunch, sixth period. Sixth period I go to see my guidance counselor to continue discussing what can be done about AP physics, the class I have next period (two on lab days). The class I am currently failing. The main stressor out of all my classes. She says my dream school, the one I will attend in the fall, has not gotten back to her about dropping it/taking it as a pass fail. 

It is currently 1:20 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for over an hour now. I have not left the room, gotten a drink, gotten a snack, or even stood up out of my chair in the since 11:04 PM.

No big deal, I’ll just tell my physics teacher what’s goi- “Nadia the test you were supposed to make up Friday, but haven’t been able to yet? I want you to take it now. I figured you might as well get it out of the way considering you have this period and next to work on it” 

It is currently 1:25 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for 70 minutes.

Oh. Can I check my phone real quick?

Sure.

+4 new emails to your school email!

*Opens*

(From my guidance counselor): Nadia [dream school] just called, please come see me

Hey uhhhh, my guidance counselor wants to see me RIGHT now.

Really? That’s odd. I’ll call her, you get started on the test.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

I filled in random answers on the multiple choice, skipped the open ended questions, and made it look like I was working on it until the end of eighth period. I cover up the blank spaces where writing should be with the multiple choice packet, hand it into the teacher of the room I was randomly thrown into, and book it to my counselor’s office to catch her before my appointment.

It is currently 1:29 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but hold back tears, ground myself, and write this post for the past 84 minutes.

They said you can’t drop it if you want to be certain you’ll be there in the fall, they want to see you get a C or above in the.....

That’s it.

That’s the last piece.

I’m broken.

Since 11:04 PM I have done nothing but try to ground myself and cope with the fact that I lost my connection to almost everything. That I will continue to lose this connection every night at 11:00 PM. That I will lose any and all electronic based or assisted coping mechanisms I may have, until after I wake up. It is currently 1:33 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for the past 89 minutes, and I have been trying to cope and ground myself for roughly two and a half hours (149 minutes).

So. Let’s recap

I have had a bad day.

After my appointment I got home and began studying for my test at 7 PM

At 11:04 PM I had a break down, and have been trying to cope and ground myself since. 

I have not finished studying yet, and I intend to stay up, rather than try to sleep earlier, to finish doing so.

The test I was and will be studying for, whether this is true or not, feel as though it will decide where I spend the next year of my life.

Now for the obvious question:

How could this have been avoided?

Am I asking for my mom to not have turned off service for my phone? No. She had already turned off texting, this was the obvious next step.

Now my answer, my main take away for parents and caregivers.

Talk to your kids.

Talk to your kids about punishments you intend to use, whether they’ve done something wrong or not, so that you can be sure it won’t break them.

Talk to your kids. 

Talk to your kids about what you expect from them, ask them to honestly tell you what their limits are, even if they conflict with these expectations.

But most of all.

Talk to your kids.

Talk to your kids when you’re trying to help them, make sure your proposed solution or support does not end up hurting them. If my mom had told me about this, even at 10:59 PM, a minute before it would take place, this break down could have been avoided.

RECOGNIZE THAT YOU DO NOT ALWAYS KNOW BEST

Parents and caregivers; if you expect your kids (or those receiving your care) to trust you? To respect you? To be honest with you? 

TRUST THEM FIRST

If you always assume that you and you alone know what’s best for your kids, that you alone know how to best support them and reprimand them. 

You need to recognize that kids are still people and can speak for themselves.

I am 18 years old, I am not asking you to start talking to your one month old as if they are in high school. I am asking you to give us the respect that you think you deserve. The fact that...

...It is currently 1:46 AM (14 minutes before the earliest time I fall asleep) as I am writing this time-log, I have been trying to cope and ground myself for 162 minutes, and working on this post for 102 minutes...

...should be message enough that assuming you know best, does not work.

[frcstwclf-moved]

by popular demand (aka @warricrbcrn suggested it and i told her to) i’m going to answer all of these questions. answers under the cut.

abalone: what kind of situations compromise my muse emotionally answered

aegerine: my muse's opinion of the supernatural he has respect for the spirits of his ancestors, obviously, but that’s really it

agate: how my muse calms down answered

blue lace agate: my muse's favorite form of communication (verbal, letters, texting, etc.) verbal communication is really the only way he communicates (he rarely writes letters and doesn’t have much experience with sign or anything else) so i guess that.

fire agate: if my muse is brave or cowardly he’s a big brave boi. he’s not stupidly brave, but still incredibly so. he isn’t fearless either, but he’ll jump into a fight no problem if need be.

moss agate: if my muse has a high or low opinion of themself answered

amazonite: what kind of situations call for my muse to be dishonest answered

amethyst: what my muse would most like to be able to shape-shift into ... a wolf.

ammolite: how lucky or unlucky my use is considering all of the events in his life, unlucky. not that he believes in luck, but anyway.

angel aura quartz: my muse's opinion of LGBT+ issues not really something he has experience with. i don’t know that LGBT+ issues were really a thing for orcs of his time; they existed, i’m sure, but considering the way that a lot of orc culture works and how intolerable a lot of it is in general, gay, trans, and other orcs of similar identities and sexualities were probably closeted and thus Durotan probably has no idea about any of it. that’s not to say he wouldn’t support them; he feels everyone has the right to a happy life. everyone. (willing to make a longer post on this later)

apache tears: a sadness headcanon he just vanishes and stops talking when he’s sad. he’ll just sit there. you have to make sure he even survives to the point where he’ll break into emotion again, be it negative or positive, because he’ll just sit in the same spot and stare at the ground for fucking hours.

apatite: a headcanon about my muse's intuition it’s saved his life so many times, its ridiculous. his gut-feeling is his best friend, but it seems to clash a lot with his reasoning, especially around Gul’dan’s time of power.

apophyllite: my muse's religious/spiritual beliefs what religion would you call the orcs? they worship their ancestors, it’s not like there’s any god at play there.

aquamarine: where my muse feels most calm/relaxed his home. sitting around their big communal fireplace in the center of their village with his family.

biotite: the biggest problems my muse is currently dealing with being dead. lol

bloodstone: how my muse sees themself as part of the world at large Durotan just feels like he’s another orc chieftain doing his job. he doesn’t understand why so many people think he’s so special, outside of standing up to Gul’dan.

calcite: my muse's social tendencies (introverted vs extroverted, parties vs one-on-one conversations, etc.) he likes people, but anymore than the orcs in his clan and he feels a little overwhelmed. he really only had one good friend that he talks to consistently, and that’s Orgrim, but as far as chieftain-y things his social skills are decent. he’ll tread water until he physically can’t handle it anymore, which is incredibly rare.

carnelian: an art-related headcanon Durotan actually has some artistic talent. he can kinda sketch landscapes and people, if he tries.

celestite: how my muse deals with anxiety not healthily, lmao. he bottles it up until it explodes into one giant mass of anxiety, which means he’ll go sulk for a few hours if possible. if it isn’t, he gets REALLY irritable REALLY quickly.

chalcedony: the saddest my muse has ever been the morning he discovered Ga’nar’s body, the morning after Garad had died and Durotan had been named chieftain. the grief, the anxiety, and the overall reality of it overwhelmed him until he was physically trembling. he spent that night weeping in his mother’s arms.

chalcopyrite: how my muse deals with ending relationships it’s hard for him to do, but if there comes a point where he has to cut ties with someone, he’ll drop’em like they aint shit. no questions asked.

charoite: who my muse looks up to answered

chrysocolla: a money-making headcanon he doesn’t have any, lol.

copper: how I think my muse will end up when they're older he’d be an awesome, wise old chieftain tbh. he’d know alllllll the Frostwolf secrets to teach the kiddos. he’d be heavily grieved by the clan, had he died of old age.

coral: how my muse views the natural world it’s incredibly precious to him. watching Draenor die was one of the hardest things he’s ever done.

diamond: a sex headcanon [ SWEATS ]

dolomite: a sleep headcanon Durotan is a light sleeper, and he either lays on his side or his back. he is often kept up at night by bouts of night terrors and general insomnia, so he’ll stare at the ceiling of the tent until it’s early enough for him to leave and roam around camp without being questioned

emerald: how my muse tells someone they love them without words touches and gestures. arm around your shoulders, a hug, a pat on the arm, that thing people do where they rest their hand on your lower back, hand on your shoulder... the works.

fluorite: what my muse's room looks like it’s relatively neat, i imagine Draka kicks any mess in their tent back into shape. having two sloppy older brothers kinda made him wanna be organized considering there was a time where all five of them lived in a tent together and, from personal experience, sharing sleeping spaces with your siblings fucking sucks

fossil: what my muse's dream job is he really doesn’t have any quarrel with being chieftain. he doesnt know what else he’d do, honestly.

galena: what it's like to be in a relationship with my muse lots of playful bickering and play fighting, but he also will show regularly how sincerely and how much he cares, whether in words or gestures is up to him.

garnet: what my muse's perfect partner would be DRAKA.

gold: my muse's financial situation i don’t know how financially dependent Frostwolves are. pretty sure they just hunt, make, or gather everything they need. he’s doing fine.

hematite: how squeamish my muse is he’s witnessed graphic cannibalism, stabbed a numerous amount of people and gutted and/or beheaded just as many, and has literally bathed his entire face in blood. he doesn’t care. the only thing that’s ever succeeded in making him puke that wasn’t caused by sickness was the combined stench of several hundred decaying bodies, sweaty gross B.O. bodies, and piss and fecal matter when he already felt incredibly put off by his situation. and he puked ONCE.

hiddenite: how much of an "inner child" my muse has jesus, he’s such a man-child. he’d be wrestling in the mud with Orgrim well into his 40′s, knowing him.

iolite: my muse's drinking habits Durotan doesnt drink often but when he does he gets fucked UP. waiting for the day he wakes up in bed next to Blackhand or something tbh.

jade: if my muse would ever cheat on a partner NEVER. hes loyal as fuck. plus Draka would flog him

jasper: what my muse would be like as a parent the dad who tries to be cool and hip and relatable w his kid bc he loves him but just embarrasses Go’el

kyanite: an anger headcanon he screams into Stormfang’s pelt, sometimes. as if killing the poor fucking thing wasn’t enough.

lapis lazuli: where 'home' is to my muse anywhere that his family is. they are his home as much as Frostfire is.

lodestone: what kind of people gravitate towards my muse all kinds of people, honestly. he’s a charismatic and fair leader that’s well-loved by his clan, people like that.

malachite: what my muse as a child thought they would be when they grew up he thought that he and Orgrim would be the clan’s mightiest hunters. he hadn’t a care in the world about being chieftain.

mica: what my muse views as their worst personality trait he thinks he doesn’t have a good enough hold on his temper. he’s constantly afraid of snapping and killing someone without meaning to.

moonstone: my muse's opinions on outer space he thinks the idea of it is cool as shit, even if all he’s ever seen are the moon and stars from the ground. he thinks it’s beautiful.

mother of pearl: if my muse tends to lift people up or bring them down he’s always tried to bring them up, and he usually succeeds. Durotan has never been a pessimist, and he’s always been able to inspire and invigorate the Frostwolves at their lowest points.

nebula stone: how good my muse's memory is very sharp and keen. he can remember things that were said or happened years ago like it was yesterday.

obsidian: which of the seven deadly sins my muse would be probably wrath or pride. Durotan’s temper and lack of self control when upset has always been one of his greatest downfalls, and the Frostwolves are kinda known for being incredibly proud of their heritage and who they are. i feel like he’s a closer match to wrath, just because he’s a bit more humble than, say, Garad.

opal: how creative my muse is he’s moderately creative. he’s not really an artist or a creator, but he enjoys and appreciates creativity and the arts and would rather delight in others’ ideas instead of wrack his brain for his own.

pearl: a mental health headcanon anxiety and stress are eating away at his psyche 3/4 of the time, but he’ll be damned before he admits that to anyone. his PTSD gives him a lot of hell, too. he’ll wake up in a cold sweat right out of a nightmare about his father or one of his brothers or Stormfang, and he’s even had ones concerning that whole cannibalism Nokrar situatuon, but instead it’s the whole clan lying there gutted and eaten, wolves and all. he doesn’t really have flashbacks, unless something REALLY fucked up is going on and it somehow pertains to one of those things. he feels neverending guilt about his entire life in general and not having been able to do more for the people he’s lost. it’s not healthy, at all, and occasionally he’ll open up about it to someone he trusts. usually doesn’t happen all that often, though.

petalite: what my muse would do if they found a wallet on the street ”WHO’S WALLET IS THIS”

pyrite: a physical health headcanon i don’t think that he’s as ripped as everyone seems to think he is? I mean yea he’s buff and strong and huge but i don’t think he’s got a perfect six-pack or anything. a very toned dad bod, if you will

quartz: how my muse thinks other people see them as an authority figure, or a friend. or an enemy. depends on who ‘people’ is.

rhodonite: if my muse prefers elegance or convenience CONVENIENCE.

rubellite: if my muse has any 'triggers' that inspire painful memories Ga’nar and Fenris, honestly. he avoids mentioning them in conversation like the plague. the names themselves ARE painful memories.

ruby: a happiness headcanon if he’s smiling with all of his teeth showing, it means he’s fucking ECSTATIC.

sapphire: if everyone my muse knew was hanging off a cliff and they could only choose three to save, the rest certainly dying, who they would choose JESUS CHRIST I HATE THESE. he’d take Go’el, Draka, and Orgrim, probably. watching the rest of the clan plummet off a cliff (HIS FUCKING MOTHER BEING A PART OF THEM), he’d NEVER forgive himself.

serpentine: how my muse would seduce another [alt: how my muse makes their money] DUROTAN? SEDUCE SOMEONE??? H A

silver: if my muse prefers masculinity or femininity he really doesn’t give a damn. what’s even the difference, in orc culture? everyone’s got long hair, everyone’s wearing skirts, everyone’s kicking ass and taking names... how does it work

tsavorite: if my muse believes in destiny or fate answered

ulexite: how empathetic/sympathetic/compassionate my muse is extremely. he cares about everyone and everything, and doesn’t want to hurt people if he doesn’t have to. unakite: what my muse's ideal pet would be his wolfie, Nightstalker. loves him to bits

verdite: my muse's ethnicity/family history an unbroken line of Frostwolf chieftains, apparently, and he descended from the nomadic Frostwolf Clan

zebra stone: what gets my muse excited wolf pups. hunting. Draka. Orgrim. Go’el. Geyah. weaving. horse-play. his clan mates. THERES A LOT.

zoisite: does my muse believe everything's going to work out for them in the end or not? ... yes. he really, truly believes that everything will be okay.

[atechnicolortomorrow-blog]

Some Perspective.

by: Allan Victor

             “Chronic means it’s with you for life.”

     I was not exactly sure how to process those words. There I was half asleep in a recovery room, sitting in a hospital gown with my sobbing mother. I had been displaying an array of uncommon symptoms, mainly bloody stools. Prior to my first colonoscopy, I had been frequenting emergency rooms unsure of what to make of anything. Fun fact, I was almost put into quarantine once after the E.R. nurses thought I had potentially contracted something from out of the country. This was after telling them at least a dozen times that I had not traveled internationally for nearly a decade. What started as a concerning emergency room visit, soon turned into a J.J. Abrams-style film. Jokes asides, my health was not playing around.

             Things were about to get serious.

     Let us begin in 2014, I was eager to make that transition from community college to a more traditional university. Ironic since everything the future had in store for me was anything but “traditional.” After receiving acceptance letters to all the schools I had been eyeing, it seemed nothing could stop me at this point. Years of crippling anxiety were finally going to pay off. For once, I had something to show for myself.

            I was unbreakable, or so I thought.

     I had befriended a fellow student at my community college, Quinn. She could drink practically anyone under a table. I would be lying if I said that I did not often engage in these alcohol-driven outings. Admittedly, I hadn’t been much of a drinker up until this point. Yet this substance seemed to serve as a much-needed crutch for a lacking social life. This was an ideal opportunity for me to start networking and meeting people. Who knew such a bitter tasting substance could provide such fun? Quinn worked as a receptionist in at a medical facility, which granted her a decent amount of secondhand medical knowledge. I could not help but wonder what her bosses would think of her recreational habits, but only god can judge us, right?

    It was at our favorite dive bar where I decided to mention some of the symptoms I had been experiencing, mainly blood in my stool. My initial demeanor was flippant, as I thought this issue would eventually resolve on its own. Quinn’s facial expression personified a certain fear I had been repressing. After a series of questions beyond my knowledge, the consensus became me needing to see a doctor as soon as possible. We said our goodbyes and I made my way home. It was not too far into my journey when I began feeling the same urgency I had grown accustomed to. However, this time things were different. I was in pain. After tailing it home, my next trip to the bathroom became my most violent one yet.  Soon came my first emergency room visit.

This evening would become the first night of the rest of my life.

     Unbeknownst to me at the time, emergency rooms can actually do very little for cases pertaining to gastroenterology. However, this did not stop me from making another couple of visits. I could tell the nurses were getting tired of me. In hindsight, I knew deep down my visits were doing essentially nothing for me. I knew that taking that next step of seeing an actual specialist would mean I would receive results I was not ready to hear.

    It was a sad day for me, but a good one for my health.

     The time came for my first ever colonoscopy. I will never be able to shake off the events leading up to the actual procedure. Firstly, I was unaware this facility was actually a teaching hospital. In other words, college-aged students often come to observe anything ranging from checkups to full blown procedures. As the anesthesiologist was prepping me, there was a knock at the door. Mind you, the door was glass and see-through. The visitors? Oh, just a group of well-dressed 20 something year olds not too far from my own age. And there I was in my surgical gown, which exposed my entire backside. Again, this see-through door was doing me absolutely no favors.

     Right as they were hooking me up to the oxygen mask which administered the anesthesia, the doctor taps me on the shoulder. He proceeds to ask me if it was okay if these students could watch. His tone? Nonchalant. His reaction to my disapproval? Disappointment. I truly choked up in that moment. I was already mortified about this entire situation. Now I had to accept how I had let the entire room down... Yahtzee!

I soon awoke in a twilight-like state of both radiance and   grandeur.

     Actually, I woke up to a nurse kneeing me in the chest to help me pass gas. One of the most awkward moments of this day came when they wheeled my bed through a packed hallway of onlookers. I was still half-asleep though, questioning my reality. My mother was waiting for me in this next room. Her facial expression sufficed for my googly-eyed state of confusion.

        She was scared, and quite frankly, so was I.

     After a good 20 minutes, the doctor joins us. I could not exactly get a good read of his facial expression, he looked like he meant business. Now here’s where the story gets a tad anticlimactic, being that I do not exactly remember what he said to me. However, I do remember the pictures they took of my colon, and they weren’t looking good. The only part of the conversation I do recall is my mother asking him if it was chronic. Due to my current state, I was unable to register what chronic actually entailed. The answer to her next question held an answer that would soon change my entire life. “Does that mean he has it for good?” Asked my mother in the most defeated tone. “Yes” He replied. “Chronic means it’s with you for life.”

                    Ulcerative Colitis is no joke.

     The following months were nothing I could have prepared myself for. I was just about to start life at my new college. Yet instead of being able focus on making new friends or establishing a promising major, I was being pumped with copious amounts of prednisone. Mind you, prednisone equals weight gain, mood swings, and anxiety. Just a few of my favorite things... Facial bloating is also a huge side effect or “Moon Face” as us patients like to call it. On top of my new appearance, I now had to accept the fact that I could very well experience urgency in the middle of class.  Granted, the first few months were tough. I was not really making friends as the constant paranoia of needing the bathroom consumed every last breath of mine. It was a bit of a blessing that I was a commuter and did not have to worry about dorm life.

    Everything and everyone felt a good arm’s length away.

     Thankfully, life started turning around some, in a good way. I ended up reaching such a steady place with my health that I joined the school’s improv troupe. This was something I had always wanted to do, but assumed would never be due to my health.  I was having fun. I was enjoying myself.

            Life was starting to make sense again.

     As much as I wanted to stay aboard this happy train, reality had other plans for me. It was New Year’s Eve. The stress of the holidays was doing me very few favors. The following morning, New Year’s Day, I woke in my most painful state yet. Getting out of bed felt like I was skydiving onto a pile of flaming rocks. Dramatic? Yes. A bit much? Probably. I was in a lot of pain though.

       It was in this moment I realized how life was likely never going to be the same again.

   Time went on, and I had no choice but to do the same. Accepting the trials and tribulations accompanying my condition cost me nearly everything. My friends, my education, my sanity. I was in that same dark place again. I felt as though life had very little meaning to it. Accomplishments meant essentially nothing, since I knew my condition would always be just waiting in the wings for me.

             Isolation became my happy place.

     Somewhere down the line, a blessing presented itself in the form of a new treatment team. This time, it was not just a physical transformation, but a spiritual one as well. Learning to not feel sorry for myself was step one. Since victimhood had become my comfort zone, I had to fight off that jaded part of myself. Mind you, none of this was an overnight process, and even while typing this I still have to counter the negativity which accompanies reliving this. However, with the help of humor, hope, and a lot of autoimmune suppressants... Life isn’t nearly as spooky anymore.

             Invisible illnesses are tricky topics.

     Just because you do not “look sick” in society’s eyes does not mean your troubles are invalid. This is a lesson I still struggle conveying to others. Whether your condition is physical or mental, there is a community of people out there who want to help you. Most importantly though, you must help yourself. Do not be afraid of putting yourself first. Be selfish, be stern,

             be something better than yesterday.

[coolphilosopherstranger]

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