#something I've been slowly unlearning? Also yes. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

dredshirtroberts · 2 years ago

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So. My tire exploded this morning on the highway. Scared the bejesus out of me. I'm fine, I had a fullsize in the trunk and my meta came and saved me and followed me home before we went to go pick up our partner from the airport.

this happened at like. 5 in the morning. it's currently winging in on 2am. (don't worry, i had about 6 hours of sleep in the interim)

I have done my level best to not apologize for "breaking my car".

It occurs to me that there are some traumas that are going to be harder to shake the after affects of because of the (thankful) rarity of the trigger point coming up.

I was in a car accident when I was 18-19 (I think i'd just turned 19, it was spring semester finals so it was like May probably). Just me, just my car. And some trees. I've talked about it in more detail a few times. It was scary, the minivan was totaled, the airbags went off and my jaw got jammed about 2 months before my wisdom teeth surgery was scheduled. it was a lot.

I wore the shadows of those bruises for half a year. I wear the terror of the incident as it was happening every time i drive on rough roads (fuck you google maps - yes it's faster but also *what the fuck*).

I wear the devastation of my parents being more upset that I totaled the minivan than relieved that I was alive every fucking day. And moreso when I have messed something up.

I'd gotten in trouble for breaking things before - i'm unlearning the label of "destructive" and the designation of "unobservant" and "careless" very slowly. This was the first time it was made absolutely clear to me that my life was worth less to my parents than a 1998 dodge grand caravan with no working a/c in 2011 (which, by the way, was less than the tow fee to get it off the road and to a junkyard, let alone the cost of fixing what had been damaged in the wreck).

I was then accused of lying about how the accident happened for 10 years. Apparently 1 decade is the length of time i need to keep my story straight in order to be believed about things.

I still sometimes get shit about it from my family, by the way. Not as often anymore, not since they decided to believe that I really did just glance down to make sure the bug that had flown in through the window and landed in my lap wasn't going to sting me. One of the absolute most terrifying days of my life is a joke. Because I am worth less to them than a 12 year old minivan. The only reason a bug came through the window, by the way, is because of the lack of a/c. If my parents had forked over the cash to get that fixed properly, they wouldn't have been down a minivan.

(a minivan my *sister* is upset with me for totaling because she claims it was meant to be *hers*, according to her and backed up by my parents. why i was the only one who ever drove it at that point, i don't know. Make it make sense. You can't.)

it's been....it's been 12 years damn. it's been 12 years and they still get mad at me for the fact that the van is gone. None of them ever, in the times this is brought up, ever mentions that they're glad I wasn't more injured, that I didn't die.

because i'm not worth more than whatever a 1998 dodge grand caravan with no a/c was in 2011 to them.

And now I apologize for the fact that things completely outside of my control happen and items break from overuse because clearly it's my fault and i'm terrified i'll learn i was worth even less than that.

God I hate my family....

#i also had to face the realization that like...#i have the number of 2 whole people up here #and one of them was the person waiting for a ride at the airport lol #i literally did not have anyone else i could call and my brain had immediately gone #'i should call my father'#which...what would he have done? at 5am on a wednesday. he lives 700 miles away #and based on his track record the answer would have been 'listen to his ringtone for when i call because he finds it funny'#despite the fact that i *never* call unless it's an emergency #....god wow i hate them so much wow #gids you're not going to want to be reminded of the stuff i talk about under the read more #it'll just make you angry lol #though if anyone feels the incandescent rage they do at my parents feel free to reach out to gids #i think if i share enough trauma stories about them eventually they'll summon up a squad #and go kick all my family's asses lol

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ariddletobesolved · 2 years ago

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OMG YES! I've been thinking about this as well. I also think they probably tried to isolate her from other people to limit her contact with them and the outside world, because if she knows less about stuff like politics and 'the normalcy' she is less likely to question the orders. It's so sad, imo, because that means they only see her as a tool and not a human being.

Like you also mentioned, Yor thinks the people she kills are all evildoers – bad guys, traitors, etc. according to Garden/Shopkeeper. I can't help but see a possibility of Garden sending her to kill Twilight who turns out to be her husband, Loid Forger. Maybe when that happens she will come to realise that maybe not all of the people she has killed were all evildoers, because aside from being a Westalian spy, they both share the same goal which is to protect peace and provide a safe place for their loved ones to live in (I do hope that they would have had a talk about these sorts of things before that), and that's when she decides to defy Garden.

It's another possibility, but yeah I can see that her living with the Forgers will slowly help her see for herself and realise that her life can be so much more meaningful than just blindly obeying an order. It will be something difficult to unlearn something that has been drilled into her since childhood, but gosh I hope her family can help her (and give her all the love she didn't get to experience often when she grew up).

About Yor: she isn’t dense, but most likely indoctrinated by Garden

So I wanted to address this for a long while now, because I’ve seen one too many posts talking about Yor like she’s just an aloof assassin who doesn’t care about things outside her direct environment, which is why sometimes she says dense things.

I’m well aware that she’s a fan favorite so people don’t mean her harm, yet I think the whole story actually hints at way more than her being dense, especially considering her background and who she still works for.

In other words, since Yor was trained but also half raised by Garden’s leader, the Shopkeeper, it’s likely that, considering how they operate and what they’re about, they instilled in her a conditioned dependency since childhood or teenage years that would make her unable to learn things on her own without asking for their opinion, making it very hard for her to turn against them ever.

Want a striking example? Her encounter with Melinda Desmond.

Not only did she not know who Melinda was (but I mean, that at least could be understandable)…

…but she also didn’t know what a First Lady is.

Sure, it’s funny on first glance, but after thinking about it, what does it betray? That Garden probably made sure over years Yor would never get the slightest basic info and understanding on what politics of this country are all about. Because if their strong soldiers start to get opinions of their own, then they could start disagreeing with Garden and turning on them. So, “let’s prohibit people having free thinking, so that they can remain good little pawns” as we “fight for peace in our country”.

In fact, for Yor, until a short time ago (when she met Loid and Anya), all she did was thought and decided for her by Garden and, to this day, she still voluntarily asks them for their agreement when she opens up her close circle little by little: she asked them if it was okay to marry Loid and then she asked them if it was okay to befriend Melinda.

To be honest, that’s a scary ass thought process to envision, when Yor’s an independent working lady well into her 20s, but this shows how deep Garden’s indoctrination runs in Yor, since they got hold of her as a child/young teen.

Another striking example is the way she always describes her job, in an almost childish way. Her nickname “thorn princess” aside, I always found it interesting that Yor’s aware she’s an assassin but she isn’t morally anguished at all about killing people and never mentions or distinguishes any grey area in her missions. In fact…

… it’s all in black and white and she clearly thinks that the people she kills are all evildoers (which as we saw in the recent arc with the Red Circus isn’t always the case and begs the rhetorical question “why does Garden get to decide who’s evil?”), therefore “she’s not doing anything wrong”, which also pretty much betrays how she was pushed into it.

Long ago, Garden probably baited Yor with Yuri’s protection and told her that, since they’re “about peace”, Yor’s work would just help them to “fight against evil”. As a child, she wasn’t mentally fit to understand the deeper implications and then she was mentally conditioned to always do and think like Garden tells her to, which promotes this systematic childish description of her assassin’s job.

Finally, please take notice of the Shopkeeper’s reaction the first time she tries to argue about her work, in the ship arc:

Enough said, Garden’s awful. I’m sure there are more examples throughout the story, but I now want to talk about future character development.

After all, since the story obviously calls for Yor to ditch Garden, to protect what’s actually important to her (Yuri, Loid and Anya), we actually do see her changing little by little so far, thanks to her living with Loid and Anya. Her coworkers quickly mentioned that she’s more lively ever since she got married and the ship arc overall emphasizes that her family is starting to become more important to her than her job, so there is high hope for Yor. :D

Additionally, while she’s still far away from noticing that Garden mentally drove her into a corner, she now openly voices her concerns that “she’s not normal” but that she wants to understand why in order to learn how to change.

To be fair, fighting against indoctrination is tough and takes time so I’m very proud of her for slowly realizing that she ought to decide for herself from now on. :D

TL;DR Yor is not dense. She was indoctrinated as a child by Garden and can only (for now) see the world through the filters they taught her.

Ironically enough, the only character who knows about her real job and could, thus, notice that Yor isn’t being critical about Garden…… actually can’t because she’s a four year old who is too young to understand that Mama’s job is wrong. Well done, Endo-sensei!

#yor forger deserves a hug #yor briar forger #spy x family #sxf meta #sxf theory

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eldritch-spouse · 3 years ago

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Breg reacting to his obssesion finding and taking in a baby breeder? I've been morbidly curious how he would do as a parent.

[Ah yes, parenthood... I pity you.]

H-How? How did you find a breeder? Where? When? The facility... Just how??

Ever since Breg found out impregnation was off the table, he became quiet. Real quiet. He wasn't upset at his beautiful mate, no, never you. Biology thwarted him, not his wonderful mate who accepted everything he ever tried.

Breg was upset with himself.

Because he promised. He promised he would aim higher than conception now. That he would think about accomplishing both himself and his partner in different ways, live a more virtuous life- Enjoy literally everything else he had no access to during captivity, the things he could only ever solemnly dream about or try to visualize from some mouthy guard's lackluster vocabulary. Yet there he was, inordinately upset at the fact that he can't literally breed you.

As if that's a very specific and high priority goal he has to achieve or all of his life is meaningless.

Breg knows what this is. These are mindsets he hasn't unlearned yet. The breeder is still thinking that he'll be severely punished if he fails to impregnate you in some form, that you'll both suffer endlessly as staff tries to determine which one of you is infertile, and therefore a burden to be disposed. Not anymore. He's not there anymore. He's not there. Physically, at least. It's at times like these that Breg realizes he's still living in the breeding facility, mentally.

That's why Breg has been working to slowly undo that thought process. For both your sakes. You deserve better than someone throwing a fit because you can't or don't want to bare a child and he deserves better than believing his life is only useful when he perpetuates another's kind. His mood had been lifting steadily the more he started getting the two of you immersed in different activities. He was getting better, he was starting to forget the idea, to picture a better life.

And then you come home with a baby breeder in your arms.

Putting aside the cognitive crisis of how you managed to achieve such, Breg is freaking the fuck out. He only thought about the fun part, making the baby. He didn't ponder on how to properly raise one. He's had so little contact with children, this will be disastrous! Cue the instant panic. Meanwhile, you're standing in the middle of the room with a now very much startled baby wailing on your chest, knowing damn well that Breg has seen hundreds of baby care documentaries and more than likely knows how to handle a kid ten times better than you.

As usual, his nervous energy is his biggest weakness, as being constantly antsy will naturally have an effect on the infant. Breg needs you there every step of the way even if he's bound to understand the requirements of breeder infants a lot better than you. He's determined to raise this one right, to make sure they never get in the wrong hands, that they're not exploited and forced into a life of constant sexual demand. Breg will give them everything he never had the chance to experience- A family, love, a home and freedom to be whoever they want to be. As a result of this, he has the potential to become a parent very prone to needless sheltering and may even bicker with you whenever you let the kid experience certain things head on.

If your financial situation is stable enough, Breg might suggest adopting a human child so the two of you can have a nice big family life and give the breeder infant a sibling, wholesome considerations. Also something that's not very likely to happen, because I assure you, raising a breeder is a lot of work...

They grow fast, for starters. They also gain mobility and a general ability to grab onto things very quickly, one day they can barely move, the next they 're already instinctively crawling around the house trying to climb counters because their sense of smell is getting sharper and there's food in the cabinets. You're standing in the doorway to the kitchen at three in the morning, watching your strange demon child propel itself at the stools to climb onto the table, this exasperated wheeze dying in your throat when it starts tearing into the fruit bowl on top. Meanwhile Breg is clapping enthusiastically- Look at them, they grow up so fast! They love fruit just like their daddy!

And now, because I'm having way too much fun, kid breeder facts:

Fret not, the fast growth rate slows down significantly once they reach early teenhood, until that point though, you're in for a wildride;

Breeder kids have a tendency to latch onto their parents. Instead of being cradled gently by their guardians, they prefer to latch around the sides and backs of their parents, kind of like koalas. It's all fun and games until the claws start coming in... Besides, they're heavy, you might get tired a little too fast and they'll shriek about it if you pry them off. Breg is content to let the little rascal crawl all over him though;

Part of why breeder kids hang onto their parents so tightly when they're very young is because their sight is quite impaired, it stabilizes later on. Don't hold it against your child if they mistake you for someone else, which can happen if your scent is off or you don't speak to them;

You'll probably find out spreaders can alter the shape of their teeth this way, since your kid will have the naturally serrated teeth most breeders are born with. Breg has them too, he just forced himself to adopt a less threatening shape when he first mingled with humans. That being said, I urge you to set boundaries when it comes to biting, love nibbles are frequent and painful;

On the cuter side, the teeth grow in a little too fast, so they may have a bit of a "buck teeth" look for a while;

Quite like your lover, the child will gradually require less and less sleep, which means you might get woken up in the middle of the night because someone escaped their bed again and wants to play monopoly with mommy/daddy;

Your child will naturally be very protective of you in an almost instinctive manner because they subconsciously recognize you as a bizarre, short and stocky type of breeder- Which means they need to provide and keep you safe. You can tell them you're a human over and over, their brain is still like "pink hairy breeder parent";

Breg will sometimes tug or lift the child by the tail. Don't panic, this is not abusive, it's actually common practice for his kind;

There's going to be a very brief phase when they first get the ability to shift their pigmentation between black and white, in which your kid's skin will flicker like a chameleon whenever they're excited or generally emotionally roused. They'll proudly display it to both you and Breg;

Breeders chirp and trill to each other a lot, you don't understand these vocalizations and it's not something you heard a lot of before because Breg seldom ever did it around you, since you're human and it doesn't have the intended effect. Your kid and Breg will casually chirp at each other, and from what you've noticed, it's almost like a subconscious thing. You once poorly mimicked the noise next to Breg and he instantly returned it, before his brain caught up and he gawked at you like an idiot.

#Bregory #hmm yes wholesome monster family

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marchioness-caprina · 4 years ago

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Mentor Day

Note : In This AU, Hawks is adopted by the todoroki Family, enji is a good dad and dabi is not a villain. And Todoroki's Mom is a Hero.

Pairings : Jealous! Hawks x Reader

Writing style: 3rd Person

Warning : Cussing

Word count : 3623

3rd Person's POV

" I'm so excited for Today! I can't wait to meet your Mentors! " Kirishima yelled with enthusiasm punching the air.

Everyone was gathered around Ground Beta for the sole reason that the Head of Agencies they were currently interning in were coming over to discuss the growth of the students, also because they chose U.A as the meeting Venue knowing that it's one of the places in Japan that is Highly guarded and secured and the School was Near the City so if anything were to happen they could always get there in a jeepy. There was another Reason but it wasn't disclosed to any of the students and nobody questioned it.

" Shut Up shitty Hair! " Bakugou snarled smacking Kirishima who seemed to be unaffected by Bakugou's ' affection ' towards him.

" Hey aren't You and Tokoyami Under Hawks's? The number 2 Pro Hero!? " Mina pointed out and suddenly everyone's attention was now settled on Y/n and Tokoyami.

Tokoyami had an unreadable expression but his face mostly showed that he was awkward and uncomfortable with the Topic. Not because of His Mentor... It's because of His Mentor's Interest.

Y/n on the other hand looked annoyed pissed, it was very obvious that neither of the two wanted to talk about it because of the lack of answer and their current expressions.

" So... What's it Like to be Under Pro Hero Hawks? " Momo began to press deeper onto the subject and was oblivious to her two classmate's look of disapproval. And it seems like she wasn't the only curious one.

" Well? " Jiro raised a brow when they didn't hear an answer. The two were very hesitant until y/n finally spoke up.

" Tokoyami-kun would I be breaking the law if I talk shit about him? "

" Eeehhhh!? " Everyone was confused as to why the sudden change of their classmate's personality took shift at a questionable rate.

" Technically there's no law about that and since he's not here to hear it... It's fine " Tokoyami answered with a straight face and his response got everyone questioning their experience even more.

" What the hell happened to you two while you were there? " Denki asked staring at the two. Tokoyami was hesitant but y/n just looked pissed and angry .

She showed irritation that could match Bakugou's.

" That's not something you should be asking me... You should be asking y/n that... I just had the unfortunate privilege to witness... That.... And I know a very dark secret I wish to unlearn " Tokoyami muttered at Everyone was fidgeting with curiosity while staring at y/n who looked like she was about to explode any minute now.

" Well if you Must know. On the first week I had to endure a bunch of whiny one night stand's Drama and Rage while trying to get them to go fuck themselves and trust me... Persuading a bunch of love struck delusional hoes to go home and keep silent for the rest of their lives isn't a very charming job. I had to suck in every single cheesy pick up lines that'll have anyone gagging, I had to endure being dragged around through the wonderful 'skies' like a ragdoll in the most unfortunate hour and I had to deal with Birdman's constant fuckery every single day so yeah... It wasn't that bad.... It was terrible. " Y/n's tone was forcefully dragged out and polite but her hostile expression got everyone shuddering.

Yes, Hawks was a flirt and he'd flirt with her with every chance he got, much to y/n's dismay. But knowing Hawks's reputation she brushed it off like it was one of his most common habits and got used to ignoring him, he was nice though and she felt like a sheltered child. Hawks never let's her go out to patrol on her own unless it's with Him and only Him. He constantly brings her gifts and snacks to which she is thankful and greatly flattered but she didn't like hearing Rumors about her with the Pro Hero himself. Overall she was thankful that she was being treated well but she didn't appreciate the special treatment.

Tokoyami on the other hand knew of his Mentor's love and affection for his Classmate, if he knew any better he found out that Hawks had imprinted on y/n like a new born chick. The reason Tokoyami knew that was because of the gifts, the flirting, Hawks's constant need to be around y/n, His possessiveness and Don't even get Tokoyami started on How much Hawks talks about y/n during patrol. Hell, Even when Hawks is literally stepping on a Villain's Face he'd still talk about How ' Perfect she was ' . At most of all, his Classmate was very unaware of Hawks's actual feelings and he's afraid he couldn't blame her simply because of Hawks's reputation as a 'playboy'.

" Wow.... I didn't think it would be like that.... Hawks's still pretty cool though " Sero muttered and that left y/n gawking at him because the least they could do was sympathize with her!.

" No shit " She grumbled sarcastically and she felt two hands grab hold of her shoulder behind her and speaking of the Devil, Hawks was already here.

" Hey there chicken nugget, what are you kids talking about? " Hawks asked leaning down , resting his chin on y/n's shoulder while both of his hands clamped down on each side of her shoulder blades protectively.

" Nothing Hawks, we were Talking about Nothing " Y/n who was already immune to the Touchiness of the male behind her was nonchalant on her reply and she sounded bored but her expression clearly showed ' Oh No, Not this Shit Again ' .

" Oh really? Well ok then baby bird but I have to say You look Perfect little dove but that is to be expected by my Epitome of beauty " Hawks grinned rubbing his cheeks against y/n's own in a very affectionate manner.

" Yeah, Yeah. Get off me Birdman you're getting that irritating Chicken stench on me " Y/n grumbled pushing him away from her to which she was successful with.

" Aww~ But you felt so soft " Hawks whined in an almost childish way.

Everyone was witnessing the very thing Tokoyami dreaded and they were choking on their own spit after seeing the interaction between the two.

They and so many questions yet so little answer and they knew they couldn't just bombard y/n with questions, not when Hawks was around.

" Uhh... You two seem.. Close" Denki commented to where he earned a proud grin from Hawks.

" No we're Not. He's just being A flirt, you'll Get used to it " Y/n snickered rolling her eyes at Hawks who was trying to hug her.

" You should have heard How much He talks about her at Home... He's like a broken Radio. Y/n this and that " Todoroki snorted and his comment got everyone gaping.

It didn't look that way to everyone else, it was clear that the Pro Hero liked her if throwing himself around her wasn't enough, the look in his eyes definitely spoke otherwise.

" So this is the little Lassy Hawks have been talking about? " Fatgum along with the rest of the pro Heroes Were slowly gathering towards them.

" This is Her? She's adorable in person . Keigo Never stops talking about her at home" Another voice came from a woman with white hair, and is almost identical to Shoto.

" .... Hah! You should hear what he has to say when he's asleep " Dabi murmured with a laugh.

" .... You Talk about me? " Y/n asked staring at Hawks who was nodding his head, a smirk plastered on his face.

" Ewww, Stop that. It's annoying and creepy " Y/n sighed shoving Hawks away.

" Isn't she lovely? " Rei mumbled a small chuckle escaping her lips as Dabi stared at her in bewilderment .

" So you're not gonna question their age gap?..... Really mom? " Dabi snorted and enji stood behind him, patting his back.

" You know how your mother is " Enji muttered staring down at his son.

" You have a point.... "

____________________

By now everyone was gathered around, some of them chatting with their mentors and some were meeting their classmate's other mentors.

Rei, Enji and Dabi were intently observing Keigo who looked so close to snapping, sure his face looked playful and relaxed but they knew him well enough to know that it was Keigo's facade.

On the other side was Y/n and Hawks talking to Fat gum, well it was only y/n showing enthusiasm about their conversation, Hawks had never left her side the whole time. Always trailing behind her like a lost puppy.

" That's really cool! I heard from Kirishima that you have two Forms? " Y/n's eyes gleamed with curiosity.

" Why yes little lady " Fat gum answered as he nervously glanced at Hawks. He could feel the raging intensity of Hawks's Jealousy radiating brighter than the sun's ray. To which y/n was oblivious of.

" Ya know buddy, you really have nothing to worry about when it's me " Fat gum stated his words directed towards Hawks who let out a sigh and gave him a genuine smile for once.

" Sorry, I couldn't help it when it comes to my little dove " Hawks chuckled slinging his arm around her shoulder and y/n immediately reacted by shoving his arm away without even glancing at him.

" Stop talking about me like I'm not here " Y/n muttered to which Hawks replied by doing it again and y/n shoved his arm again.

Fat gum was both entertained and a bit awkward with the situation until he spotted his side kick. Tamaki whom he had kindly asked to pick up something for him

" Anyways! That's enough you two, I'd like you to meet Tamaki Amajiki. He's my sidekick " Fat gum proudly introduced Tamaki who froze in his spot and began trembling nervously.

" Oh wow! I've heard so much about him! Our class was introduced to him before! But I never got to see his face clearly because he had his face on the wall the whole time! Let's start all over again. Hey I'm y/n l/n! Nice to meet you senpai... For the second time " Y/n grinned putting her hand out to shake his.

Tamaki who was nervous and flattered that someone remembered him shakily reached out his hand to shake hers but a look of pure shock flashed through his face when Another hand met his.

" Nice to meet you Buddy " Hawks grinned in an odd and threatening manner squeezing poor Tamaki's hand .

" U-u-uhh" Tamaki stuttered at y/n was annoyed at Hawks's actions.

" Hey! I was the-- you know what? Never mind. Anyway, senpai I heard stories about you from Kirishima-kun! And I think you're really cool! And you're cuter up close! " Y/n tried easing the nervous senior with compliments in order to atone the actions of Hawks. But Hawks took it in a different way.

Tamaki flushed red and Hawks let go of his hand with disdain, his eyes having a deadly glint and his smirk almost looked threatening and sadistic.

Fat gum who witnessed the scene knew he fucked up by calling Tamaki over, the Todoroki family were astonished to see how reactive Hawks could be when y/n was involved. At home he was really hard to read and when they thought they knew him Hawks suddenly surprises everyone by proving them wrong. But now his expression looks so raw and unmasked.

" Tsk, He doesn't Look much to Me " Hawks suddenly spat out in an irritated tone.

Y/n elbowed him after seeing Tamaki's expression.

" He doesn't mean that! He's just really insensitive... Aren't you Hawks? " Y/n glared at the man beside her and he scoffed looking away.

" You're actually really powerful Senpai! Trust me! Kirishima talks about you all the time it's adorable seeing him look up to someone who's equally as cute as Kirishima " Y/n tried covering the damage done by Hawks and Tamaki was conflicted. He didn't know who to believe anymore.

Another scoff was heard from Hawks and before he could make another comment y/n stepped on his feet making him wince.

" Ouch! " He grumbled looking down at y/n who was glaring at him threateningly.

Jealousy bubbled at the very core of Hawks, She called two men cute at the same time and she dared to do it in front of him! He praised men who aren't him. Sure they aren't official but isn't it clear that he was showing how much he could give her? He knows he's enough but it seems like his little dove was very dense. It's starting to irritate him. He didn't feel good inside and he really wanted to punch a bitch. Was she taunting him? Oh she definitely was. Just look at how she looks at them , it really makes him want to rip off someone's throat.

His wings began to bristle and rose intimidatingly the edges becoming sharp and ridged, jealousy was getting the best of him.

With a rough Tug, he dragged her away forcefully even with the harsh protest from the girl.

" Hey! Ok this is getting out of hand! " Y/n pulled her hand away and Hawks looked back at her with a gaze that could kill.

" Stop taunting me Y/n. I'm not handling it well " Hawks muttered but his voice was rough and demanding. Y/n shivered at how her name rolled out of his tongue. He never uses that tone or calls out her name like that unless she's in deep shit.

" Clearly, you're mad about shit I didn't do so go cool off or something " Y/n shot back her expression was out of sheer anger and Hawks responded by spreading his wings and he flew off without another word.

With a sigh y/n went back to her classmates, she was unaware if the stares that were thrown her way.

" A lovers quarrel? " Mt. Lady mumbled.

" Definitely a Lovers Quarrel " Fat gum confirmed.

" Is no one seriously questioning the fact about their age gap? " Dabi stated and Rei gave him a cold glare. Even shoto was seen glaring at him from his group.

" Ok fine jeez " Dabi shrugged shoving his hands into his pockets.

_____________________

20 minutes had passes and Hawks was still gone, by that time everyone was gathered around, the class was seated on the ground as the Pros started giving out their opinions and deductions on hm their performance.

Rei began to feel worried about her adopted son that had raged out of the area. Enji tried reassuring her that Keigo was old enough to take care of himself.

And on cue Hawks had arrived holding a box in his hand, he looked calmer now and more relaxed.

" Keigo dear, are you ok? " Rei asked approaching the male.

" Yeah I'm fine... Just needed a little breather.... " He muttered, his eyes glued to y/n who was listening intently to the discussion. Rei noticed this and a smile graced her lips.

" Go get her dear " Rei encouraged the male and Hawks flashed her a grin.

" Oh I will. And I'm going to make sure you're going to have a daughter in law soon " Keigo smugly stated and Rei's eyes widened only to have the woman laugh.

Luckily the little lessons the Pro's were conducting had finished and everyone was free. As the students began to stand up. Y/n was pulled away immediately by Hawks. And once she was a few feet away a box was shoves towards her. She was caught off guard but managed to hold it in her hands as she lookes up at Hawks questioningly.

" What's this? " The girl asked suspiciously.

" You like that doughnut shop near our agency yeah? I was flying by and decided to buy some for you as a Sorry present.. I admit that I went overboard... " Hawks explained rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

" What!? I can't accept thi---"

" Eat it or Throw it. I'm giving it to you and that's final so do what you want with it... Although it would be a waste if you throw it away... I did go out of my way to buy that for you with my own money even though I was still angry---"

" Ok fine you don't have to guilt trip me! I'll accept it ok?.... But you did say I could do what I want with it so... I'm sharing this with everyone " Y/n smiled and Hawks snapped his head towards her his eyebrows furrowed.

" What? No. I bought that For YOU not for them " Hawks grumbled and the girl gave him a playful smirk.

" You did say it was mine and I could do whatever I want with it " She replied slyly and Hawks turned away stomping his way towards Rei, Enji and Dabi.

" Ooo... You got it Bad. She's denser than a--"

" Don't finish that Touya I swear " Hawks glared at Dabi who only laughed at his protectiveness.

" Just be patient Keigo, she is young and she probably still doesn't have Love on her mind yet " Rei assured Keigo while rubbing his back.

" Tsk. You better not give up. You're a Todoroki after all , and I already acknowledge her as a daughter in law... No crazy woman would stomp their feet on the number 2 hero like that " Enji nodded and Hawks should be delighted but his eyes were glued to the girl.

She was sharing the doughnuts he bought for her and the last straw came when she had fed Kirishima with a doughnut.

His fathers on his wings bristled and the ends began to sharpen, his eyes darkened at the sight and his teeth were gritted.

The girl took notice of this and approached him. God he was losing it. One wrong move and he might forget the fact that she's still a minor and just go straight up to breeding her if he had to. Fuck everything she does is turning him on . He is smitten.

" Hey what's wrong? "

" You have the guts to ask me ' What's wrong?' Oh why don't ask that to all the other guys you fed doughnuts to? The ones I bought for you! You're so oblivious it's starting to piss me off little dove. Was I not subtle enough? I fucking Like---mphf--" Hawks was cut off when a Doughnut was shoved in his mouth by the girl in front of him.

" Shut your worm Hole You stupid Birdman, I like you too ok? But please stop being so annoying. I'm also protecting your reputation as a Hero here. I can't have you all over the tabloids stating that you like a high schooler. You'd be seen as a pedophile you dumbass " The girl finished and was about to pull her hand away from his mouth when he grabbed hold of her wrist, he kissed her finger gingerly before licking and sucking on that very finger she held the doughnut .

She froze, Dabi Froze, Everyone froze.

" What the fuck? " Katsuki was she first to speak up.

" I second that ' What the fuck ' " Y/n muttered and Hawks gave her a look that could have her melt into a puddle. A smug and triumphant grin plastered on his face as his arms wrapped around her waist possessively.

" Awww~ it warms my heart to know that you're protecting me that way. For a moment there I thought you don't care and all that shitty jealousy was so worth it because you told me you like me in the end.... " Hawks cooed his face nearing hers and she immediately distanced her face away from him.

" Hawks get off me! " She yelled her face was flushed and he had the sudden urge to kiss her right now.

" You'll have to pay for making me jealous though. It was not a very pretty feeling " Hawks grinned before his wings spread open and gave one strong flap and he was already flying her away from the scene.

" Holy shit.... Dude " Denki muttered staring up at the sky.

" Enji! Do you think we should renovate the house? " Rei asked enthusiastically.

" I think we just might have to " Enji replied.

" .... I ship it though " Mina stated and the girls gave an unspoken agreement to her statement.

" So... How many chicks do you think they'll have? " Dabi asked and Rei smacked him.

" Touya! " Rei scolded making Dabi chuckle.

" Nah it's too early... He won't knock her up just yet... Or will he? " Dabi grinned and this time Rei had frozen him in place.

" Touya! Stop that! " Rei fumed.

Dabi shut up immediately fearing Rei's wrath after seeing her angry expression.

#bnha x reader #Keigo x Reader #Keigo Takami #Hawks x Reader #BNHA #MHA #Jealous!Hawks x Reader #Possessive! Hawks x Reader #Hawks Imagine #Imagine #xReader

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metanoiamorii · 3 years ago

Text

Wip Re-Introduction: A Rope In Hand

❛Horror is like a serpent; always shedding its skin, always changing. And it will always come back. It can’t be hidden away like the guilty secrets we try to keep in our subconscious.❜

♧ Title: A Rope In Hand [ARIH]

♧ Status: First Drafting

♧ Point of View: Third Person, flexible between a few

♧ Genre: Dark Fantasy, Supernatural, LGBTQ+, Action, Drama

♧ Warnings: This story revolves around the occult. There will be talk of witch hunts and trials and cults. There will be torture methods used to gain confessions, and these methods will be justified under religious belief. There will be toxic and abusive relationships, particularly family; finding an escape from them, and healing from the trauma. There will be homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, and colonization. There will be major character deaths, but I can spoil after the book ends the main characters do get a happy ending. Each chapter and scene posted will have personalized warnings, but these are the main things to expect.

♧ Featuring: The majority of the characters will be LGBTQ+, from pansexual, homosexual, to asexual; genderfluid, agender/nonbinary, and transgender. Each character is complex and morally grey. Yes, they will do things that are blatantly terrible, or actively good. Overall, they will be morally grey and questionable at best. There will be complex world-building, from both the universe it takes place in, and the religious pantheons brought up. The religions brought up will be polytheistic and animism-themed. The romance between the major characters will be slow-burn enemies to friend to lovers, and them learning to love themselves through one another. There will be an exploration on generational healing, and unlearning toxic, and bias believes.

♧ Setting: The setting is influenced by Victorian London, and Medieval Ireland. There will be mention of other places, primarily western Europe, the Ottoman Empire, Ancient Rome, Eastern Asia, and Napoleonic France.

♧ Synopsis:

In the town of Arkaley, in the northwest of the Duchy of Ruairc, the people have been plagued by bad fortune and crime. Attacks of bandits on the road, raids from pirates on the shores, untimely deaths of children and young women, elected officials coming out corrupt; there is no end in Arkaley of the suffering the locals endure.

Rationally, to explain such a bad string of luck, there is only one possible explanation: Witchcraft.

The Duchy of Ruairc already has a history of witchcraft: the Ó Ruaircs turned out to be witches, the Abondé incident in Salem, the Liathain incident in Trakee; the Ruaircs have their record. Perfectly acceptable for everyone to assume the worse of the Ruairish, as they have proved to be nothing but.

To prove his worth, the young Reverend Prudence Clemency Frye, takes up the task of quelling this coven of witches and heading this witch-hunt. Young and naïve, witch only knowledge from books and little hands-on experience, he’s unprepared for this challenge. When he finally leaves the town, well… everyone would rather put this incident behind them.

♧ Tease:

My darling dear, a knave so clear

You appear, so bravely near;

Do you hear my darling dear, sneers of austere jeers?

Behave, my dear, when I am near;

For peers will lear, in their fear,

Allow me o' dear our persevere

So my fave you appear

And volunteer a slave so dear

in an atmosphere we fear.

my darling dear, wave so clear

Depravely as we leave, and give a souvenir;

My lips to yours, as you crave in these fallin' years.

Be brave darling dear, and give into hearts o' queer.

For mine you be, your darling dear,

To the stars you have swore in love, so crystal clear.

My peers shall sneer, but whore I be, and you I crave

Oh so bare. slurs and glares, just listen to my prayers.

Kiss me love, and leave o'they to a'crave

In this atmosphere that we fear

Their own, o' pure, knave so dear.

♧ Excerpt:

".... This is wrong." Prudence finds the words slipping from his lips, voice a quiet whisper; a breathless tone of voice. He allows his fingertips to falter against scarred skin, watching as Mastema turned his cheek, he pressed himself into the palm of Prudence's hand. Eyes closed, a smile curled on his face. Prudence couldn't help but smile at the scene, but slowly, slowly, slowly, he rescinded his hand; breaking the hold.

"Revered..." Matching his voice, Mastema replied. Maintaining such a soft voice, as he shifted himself forward on the bed. One foot to the ground, the other drawn beneath himself. Over Prudence he leaned, resting one palm to the sheets, the other lifting to seize Prudence's hand before he could recoil back. "You have made me feel something in which I've never felt before..."

From where he laid, Prudence could only form a soft frown. He knew he could draw his hand back, the grip was far from tight. But he didn't. He laid there, allowing Mastema to hold his hand. "... This is wrong, Mastema."

Mastema frowned; he matched the reaction Prudence wore. Through it, he forced a half-smile, tightening his grip on the other's hand, and forward he brought Prudence's hands to kiss the knuckles. "... If this is wrong, I do not wish to be right."

At the response, Prudence shook his head. "It is not for us to be right or wrong, the gods—"

At the angle he sat, Mastema shifted once more. He dropped Prudence's hand, to lean forward; to lean in close. Both of his palms found the other's cheek, as he touched their foreheads to one another. "... Do not force your will onto another." In that soft whisper, he spoke. Eyes closed, breath drawn in. "Is that not a Commandment of our Creator?"

"I..." Prudence faltered. In, he drew his breath, to try to steady himself. "... I did not take you for the religious sorts."

"I'm not." Mastema all too quickly retorted. But as he was, he laid; this proximity. "But you are."

♧ Characters:

The Order of Witchesbane

Prudence Clemency Frye; The Reverend

Half Fae/Half Human • Intersex • Genderfluid • He/They • Homosexual • Homo-demiromantic

The bastard son of Lord Zachariah Frye. Raised by his father, with his mother dying young, he took to following in his footsteps. He became a religious young man and an active witch-hunter. A part of him desires his father’s acceptance, his praises; the other part despises his father and everything the man stands for. In recent years, he has joined the De La Cruz household, becoming an apprentice beneath the famous Witch’s Advocate; upholding the beliefs that not every witch is evil and has foul intentions, and the ones that mean harm are the only ones that should be hunted.

Zachariah Frye; The Bloodhound

Human • Male • He/Him • Bicurious �� Aromantic

The oldest living member of the Order. Now he is the man that holds the face of the Order, who you think of when they come to mind. Cold. Vindictive. Despotic. Violent. He is not a good man. He is firm in his beliefs and stubborn to change. Once his mind is made up, he cannot be reasoned with. He is blindly convinced of his beliefs and his cause to eradicate every living witch, unfazed if he has to fill a few innocent thousands in the process.

Calisto Ferzan Hermengildo Melchior Lorencio De La Cruz; The Witch’s Advocate

Half Fae/Half Human • Amab • Nonbinary • Genderfluid • He/They • Asexual • Aromantic

A witch-hunter in title alone, Calisto has been making enemies since he could first talk. He’s always enjoyed being the underdog, going against the expectations of society, being ridiculed by his peers. The sole reason? Proving them wrong. To ridicule his own peers for their outdated beliefs, he’s taken to defending witches, proving them innocent of their ‘crimes’, and going on to help them to set up a life in a country more accepting of witchcraft

The servant of Calisto, never seen far from his side. He is a servant in name alone and is more-or-less an assassin, a hitman for Calisto. Held in contempt by Athylian society for being a foreigner, he often treated by others more as a slave than a servant. To help be unseen, to help the De La Cruz Household, Michelotto endures the treatment and goes as far to be perceived as ignorant, alongside him being born a mute. Keeping his true intents and intelligence duly guarded, only a handful are aware he is also a witch.

Myk'loumihr [Michelotto Dougal] Siavash; The Man-Servant

Witch; Amab • Agender • He/They • Asexual • Aromantic

Austin Duvine; The Lord Without A Ring

Half-Human/Half Fae • Amab • Nonbinary • He/They • Pansexual • Demiromantic

One of the younger members of the order, Austin relies on his father's wealth and name. He doesn't care for responsibilities, he doesn't care for hard work. He's a playboy at heart. He's fit to hold social events, and use his natural talent to gib and fib his way through life. He'll keep his mixed feelings to himself, struggling with doing the right thing or upholding tradition.

Alistair Lavine; The Witchfinder General

Human • Amab • Agender • He/They • Bicurious • Aromantic

The best friend to Zachariah and his right hand. Where Zachariah is business and lacks charms, Alistair can charm a crowd and hold their attention. He knows how to feign being an ideal human, without letting on his own bloodlust; he's a monster in human skin. At the end of the day, unlike Zachariah, Alistair does have morals and standards he will abide by, even if they come back to ruin him.

━━━━━━━━━━

The Vakari Coven

Ausrine Baoghal; The Lady

Witch • Female • She/Her • Bisexual • Aromantic

The woman in charge of the town, widowed and inheriting the right to rule as her husband had no heirs. She is a manipulative and dangerous woman, eager to commit any sin or crime for more power. She, in truth, cares only for herself and would feel no remorse if she had to turn on one of her coven to further her own agenda.

The magistrate and also the chief policeman of the town. He maintains a calm, but manipulative personality. As a front, he presents himself to be fair and just, liked and favored by the people for genuinely caring for them. While in truth he has his own heinous and sinister agenda, aiding Ausrine in her plans.

Leary O'Laoghaire; The Magistrate

Witch • Male • He/Him • Bicurious • Aromantic

The oldest member of the coven, Dairine lives under the guise of an elderly woman, who lives alone with her children and grandchildren already leaving her to live their own lives. She is a kind and understanding woman and cares for the younger witches in the coven. She will not support Baríon with her agenda, nor does she care for the servant girl, she even despises the so-called ally Ausrine claims to have and who they all adhere to.

Dairine Ó Séaghdha; The Crone

Witch • Afab • Agender • She/They • Asexual • Aromantic

The acting servant of Barion, Anisha’s true loyalties lie elsewhere. She stays within the town, serving the coven while acting as the eyes and ears of someone, the person who is truly pulling the strings. She is the one to relay information and letters between the coven and her master. She is a quiet woman, that keeps her head down and her mind to herself. She only shows her true, confident and demanding, nature behind closed doors with the coven when they dare to question her.

Anisha Kaur; The Servant

Witch • Afab • Demigirl • She/They • Asexual • Aromantic

The charming son of Leary. Many whisper that is part fae, due to his charm, if it’s true or not many are unaware. He is a very sophisticated young man, that has managed to wrap the entire town around his finger. While on the surface he is alike his father is a caring, compassionate, charming young man, something sinister brews beneath. He is devious, demanding, domineering.

Nathir O'Laoghaire; The Magistrate’s Son

Half-Witch/Half-Fae • Amab • Agender • He/Him • Bisexual • Aromantic

Being the baker's daughter, Liannah helps around the bakery and family business. Unlike the company she keeps, she is a reserved young woman. She is polite and maintains her manners with whomever she is dealing with. She has the patience of a saint and rarely loses her cool. Liannah is a woman with a calm demeanor about her, being a woman many are comfortable around due to her peaceful and calm aura.

Liannah Ó Buachalla; The Baker’s Daughter

Witch • Afab • Genderfluid • She/They • Asexual • Panromantic

Ausrine's bastard son she had with a spirit she bargained with for more power. Since he was young, he was raised by the servants of the house, and the coven, over his own mother; the two have more of a business relationship over a family one. Since he cares less about what his mother does, he spends his time with Liannah and Reyes, either at the bakery or getting into trouble somewhere. With Reyes as an influence, Mastema is a flirtatious man that enjoys scandals and making the most of life

Mastema Baoghal; The Knave

Half-Witch/Half-Spirit • Amab • Genderfluid • He/They • Pansexual • Demiromantic

Rochan Misra; The Charlatan

Half-Witch/Half-Spirit • Amab • Queer • He/She • Pansexual • Aromantic

A foreigner to the Coven, born and raised in the Duchy of Incali. At a young age, he became a traveling charlatan, recently settling within the coven only as he befriended Liannah and Mastema and enjoyed their company. Now, he is the local bad influence: scamming locals out of their money at the taverns, wooing and seducing young men and ladies alike, always trespassing and vandalizing something. He is trouble but has a heart of gold when it matters.

ARIH: : @hekat-ie, @writings-of-a-narwhal, @silent-creed

━━━━━━━━━━

Taglist:

General: @endlesshourglass, @writerray, @poore-choice-of-words, @alexwritesfiction, @primusesgiantmetalballbearings

Both: @cecilsstorycorner, @little-boats-on-a-lake, @hazard-writes, @egg-shark

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soysauceharry · 4 years ago

Note

hey amina! i hope you take this as a compliment but i feel like you're one of the only blogs i follow who are unbothered by harry's personal life. i've been in fandoms since i was really young, and i have a bad habit of getting too emotionally involved into lives of celebrities i love and admire. i was just wondering if you have any advice/things to remind yourself on how to not get so attached, if that makes sense? like i just want to have a healthy fan to celeb relationship with harry :) ty

hi!!! i think the catalyst for me to take a step back was realizing how upset I got after y*chtgate (I still can’t think about it too much or i just get angry LMAO) but the key thing for me was to slowly unlearn the idea that everything harry does affects me personally if that makes sense! like do his personal decisions have any impact on the way i live my life? does him doing something mean i have to uproot some part of my own plans for the day because i absolutely have to be the first to consume content? when you realize that content never goes away so you don’t have to instantly see things as soon as they happen, i think a lot of that burden to be “in the know” gradually fades. yes it’s fun to be involved when music videos and music and interviews drop but at the same time it’s like....to be present for EVERY SINGLE THING is exhausting because it’s like...you don't have agency over your own life. your schedule becomes obsolete because you’re just following somebody else’s life that, in reality, has no effect or involvement on your own. i think at the end of the day it is a bit of a process to train yourself to think that harry is his own being who exists essentially in an entirely different timeline to you. we’re here for the content he puts out, not the people he dates. there’s also the idea of being able to be a fan but also be critical, and i think this comes from understanding celebrities shouldn’t be put on pedestals! if you don’t idealize a celeb’s actions then you don’t get disappointed when they do something fucked up. when y*chtgate happened and i literally wanted to throw up i really had to look inward and understand if it was worth the energy. and for the most part, investing that much energy really isn’t worth it! i hope this was helpful lol sorry it got really long but I'm always here to talk things out if you need it! ❤️

#anons

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thevulcanbobdylan · 2 years ago

Photo

Damnit, okay, so, this spawned a discussion and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I've also written a nearly-complete (!) fanfic about it. Laura and love is something I've spent a lot of time considering.

The thing is, Laura has only ever known a particular type of love. In my headcanon, she was the Eldest Daughter who moved back in to care for her dying mother, while her father was distracted with grief. She became a surrogate mother to her sisters after they lost their mother, and she was a teacher to countless students, and then a political advocate for countless teachers. She was Everybody's Mom long before she became the President of a lost race in desperate need of her firm but compassionate leadership. For Laura, love is duty. For Laura, love is hard work.

She even says as much to Bill when she confesses, on her deathbed, that she never had a home before. Laura spent her life facilitating everyone else's ability to feel at home, to feel relaxed and safe, to such an extent that she was never able to feel that way herself. Every relationship in her life was one-sided: Laura gives, provides, helps, comforts, cares.

If we're lucky, we are afforded the blessing of letting some lessons take a lifetime to learn. But Laura died in her prime, and in our prime we're always too busy doing everything to stop and see the lessons that are crystallizing all around us. If we're granted the opportunity to get old, to slow down, to stop acting and start being, then everything we did, and saw, and were, slowly begins to settle, and those sediments form the foundation of wisdom.

When Elosha told Laura "just love someone," I think she knew that Laura would love Bill the same way she loved all those others - dutifully. Actively. Intentionally. And yes, Laura was vulnerable with Bill when she told him she loved him - and yes, she was vulnerable when she moved in with him, and let herself be at home. But these lessons aren't learned in a single, lightning-bolt epiphany. Laura's redemption arc in the series is beautiful, and I buy it, but in real life, unlearning the lesson that Love Equals Duty takes longer than a single vision on a single Cylon Baseship. I think Elosha probably knew that.

I think love has three faces. There's Love the noun - that's the love you feel. There's Love the action - that's the love you give. And then there's a Love that you surrender to - the love you receive. Mothers, and all those who love by providing care, don't always have the luxury of receiving.

As a thought experiment, imagine that Laura's and Bill's roles were reversed, and Bill was on the Baseship with the Hybrid when it jumped away. Do you think Laura would have abandoned the fleet and waited in a raptor for Bill to return? I don't. I think when Laura can't live without someone, and yet she's called to live without them, she finds a way. She's done it before. She simply puts her heart on the line and lets herself break on behalf of everyone else, in service of her singular purpose, which is to care for her family, her children, her fleet.

Bill waiting for Laura was an act of faith, and faith is something Laura has never had. Laura's world is concrete, and there is always an option to act and effect change. She believes in the gods because of direct personal experience with her visions, but that's not faith. The ultimate tragedy of Laura's story is that she got partway there - she understood that she needed to open herself, to find a home, and she found one. But she never got to live in it. She gave her love to Bill, but she never really got a chance to learn what it means to let him love her in return. She lived with him briefly in his quarters, in her headscarf, in her bathrobe, but she didn't get to stay. Her work was never done, her mothering never finished, and that's why my headcanon won't grant that she truly understood Elosha's assignment. Only opening herself consistently, over time, will erode the armor she's wearing and effect a real metamorphosis.

I'm sorry for ranting at such great length, but this is why I wrote Looking Through Glass

[4x09] Roslin and love.

She took the advice :)

#yes I used rock words on purpose #laura roslin #forever my president #looking through glass

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dandystones · 5 years ago

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Yes means no.

***There are two parts to this long ass post because I didn't realise I had so much to say oops***

Setting boundaries, I recently learnt I've been terrible at that for most of my life.

I hate when people tell me what to do, to the point I'd do the exact opposite, but I always wanted validation. I sought it from everyone and their mothers because I never got it from myself.

The internet seems to talk a big game about how the universe will keep on sending you lessons in all it's glorious forms if we don't pick up on it; like how we always encounter the same toxic people and relationships, one after another.

It's funny when I recall them now.

***PART 1***

I like to think I've been very blessed when it came to friendship. All through my life, I've always felt that I made friends easily and had plenty of platonic support. However at different stages of my life, I've also noticed that despite all the good friends I surrounded myself with, I've always had that one person in my life who was just a little too self absorbed, borderline narcisstic and treaded way too close for comfort.

For reference, I'm going to list some people but not their whole names: my mum >> X >> O >> H >> C

The most coincidental thing I've come to realise is 1) that each person had a specific time in my life where they rose to prominence, or in other words, where they suffocated me the most 2) the end of each 'stage of prominence' was the start of the next. For example, when I thought I'd finally stepped out of my mum's narcissistic shadow, X stepped and morphed into that narcisstic figure until I'd decided it was time to cut ties. Around the same time, I met O and she slowly morphed into that person.

Continously, I realise I've always had that one presence in my life and each person would stay for many years until a breaking point, after which I would draw the line and keep my distance. As a rough estimate, I took about 25 years to understand that this exhausting cycle of going through toxic loved one after another is simply a lesson of setting boundaries.

I came to this realization in the past 6-12 months because I was having a particular hard time adjusting at work and it was really tough to master the art of stakeholder management. I won't say I'm an expert now, but I've gotten much better at putting my foot down and helping people to understand how their basic (read: brainless) actions are making my job unnecessarily difficult and defying my work ethics. I started to understand the importance of setting my own boundaries because we can never assume anyone would know them if we don't speak it.

Around the same time, I noticed the last person in this cycle, C had started to transition out of her role as the narcisstic shadow in my life entirely on her own. I've never had that happen to me without having to ruthlessly cut ties before. It's like something just clicked. On hindsight, the lesson just made sense and perhaps because I understand what it is now, there was no longer a need for the lesson to remain.

I always thought I was good at saying no to people, because I didn't care what they think which is true for the most part, I don't care what strangers think. What I came to realise about myself was that I needed help saying no to non strangers, people I care about, the people I need in my life.

***PART 2***

The word 'no' carried too much grief and associated history with abuse and neglect. My parents never made it easy for me growing up; affection was a competition between myself and both my younger sisters. My father could never find balance at work, so he overcompensated by trying to take control of everything at home. Nothing I said nor did could ever please him, he was always angry about the tiniest thing.

Everything was someone else's fault; between denying me any help with school work because I didn't go to a school of his choice and completely beating my self esteem down because I dare ask him for any help to a seemingly insignificant act like him accidentally stepping on my toes at the supermarket, he would twist and mold all my words until they made him looked like a hero in his own fantasy, that I was beneath him, and that everything bad that happened in his life was my fault and no one else's.

You couldn't fight him with reason even if you tried to, because he wasn't fighting for anything, he just wanted to win and he would say anything to wear you down. Every night would end in the same way, a disgustingly heated verbal mess between him, myself and my mom; abuse of any kind is simply the cheap power you get when you destroy people for the sake of your ego.

My mum was completely helpless in that regard, she stayed the hell out of his way whenever he had an outburst, even if it meant leaving me to fend for myself. I refused to back down from the injustice and his words dug its claws deeper in my gut, every quarrel we had made me sick with anger because no matter how hard I tried to defend myself, every takeaway was how each of his mistakes were the result of my failures even if it had nothing to do with it.

This went on for years. I knew I couldn't run away because I was underage, financially unstable and still needed a roof above my head. I felt absolutely helpless and remember crying myself to sleep all the time, praying to God to take me away - away from here, away from being the family's punching bag, away to another universe where parents actually protected their children, built them up and supported them.

Growing up in an environment where your survival thrived from avoiding all the stressors that could result in rage meant that I became extremely cautious in expressing my needs and opinions out of a fear of of displeasing my parents. Every subsequent outburst was a slap in the face, a painful reminder of how abandoned and unsupported I was in this family.

This led to a series of bad behaviors where I was desperate to please and longed for a life devoid of rejection. For the parts of myself who had endured so much neglect, I just couldn't bare the same devastation over again. Putting myself second and others first was easy as long as they were happy. I had this belief that if I accidently let myself be honest, people wouldn't accept me and I couldn't risk letting my guard down again.

Over time, I started saying yes to everything I wanted to say no to. Yes means no, no came with a '... but I'll do this for you instead' to overcompensate my fear. Slowly but surely, I became exhausted from pleasing people all the time. I said yes to social events I didn't care to be at, I patiently listened to every word of every person who needed me even if they didn't care to be there for me, I helped every toxic person who saw an opportunity to exploit my time and kindness. Without realizing, I was unnecessarily deriving a form of validation from being a yes-girl, I didn't know how to say no. Beyond that I'd lost my sense of self because I didn't know if anyone would care about me if I stopped doing all these things.

This obviously manifested in many unhealthy coping mechanisms and constantly wanting to be alone because I felt that everyone around me wanted something from me I couldn't give. It became a toxic cycle of self harm, feeling absolutely hopeless and finding sick joy in dreaming about the many different ways to end my life. At age 17, I've never felt more alone.

Ive had to see a counsellor for prolonged periods of my life and thisemotional abuse was one of the key moments that contributed to it.

Recovery was one hella of a slippery slope and had relapsed so many times I've lost count. I was convinced my abuse had rewired my body's ability to understand what love was, all I felt was the fire of resentment, burning my insides with the anxiety of having to live out the rest of my life in a bubble of 'my mistakes'.

Through my counsellor, we had to un-learnt the act of being too harsh of myself, as a result of the years I spent projecting my dad's expectations on myself. Rewiring your brain to calm itself down when you're triggered is difficult but not impossible. There were many scenarios where I became aware of the fact that the voice in my head mimicked my dad's in giving all but bone crushing criticism, guilt tripping my every move and spiralling myself into depression again.

Re-learning the notion of 'giving myself to others' whilst being 'unapologetically myself' was interesting and refreshing. Mostly, my subconscious got better at unlearning the act of constantly censoring myself for the sake of others; how to live freely & become a more honest version of myself regardless of the people around me. Not in any manner that might be of harm to others though, just in a way that allows me to stop relying on other people’s validation to keep my spirits lifted.

Every relapse back then sunk me into my depression, harder. Looking back now, I'm glad I didn't give up even though the chance was present and tempting every step of the way. Everyday still feels like a challenge, but I get it now when people say it gets easier

#wfth #getting stronger

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