#someday I’ll finish grad school and want to write again and then you will understand

[tarantula-hawk-wasp]

About to fall asleep and then I had overwhelming brain worms thinking again about Maera getting found stumbling towards the inquisition camp in the snow after Haven and like that’s emotional enough in the video game but like make the inquisition a collective Daughter Figure and ohohoho anguish *diabolical hand rubbing*

I’ll probably draw this digitally bc I have ideas for how to push the pose and drawing a snow storm sounds fun

[hutchhitched]

Everlark Self-Inteview

Okay, this spiraled out of control. My apologies. Here are some thoughts on this fine Friday.

I posted my first Everlark story in September 2013. I still feel like a newbie in the fandom.

Fanfiction is a creative outlet for me. Some days the muse is strong and feeds me. Some weeks/months it does not. I am never trying to put someone off or delay posting. I know that doesn’t make the wait any easier or shorter.

Be kind to others. We’re all trying.

Edit your story before posting. Typos drive me crazy. Please let me know when I have one. I always go back and fix them when I find them. (Also, read more links are your friend.)

New people come into this fandom every day. It’s intimidating. I’ve been here a long time, and I still feel like no one knows who I am. Find out the history of the fandom, but you don’t apologize for being new. I, for one, am happy you’re here.

The rest of the interview is under the cut. Also, my past interview is here. 

Writing process:

 Do you outline?

 This is going to come up a lot, but the honest answer is it depends on the story. I’ve been writing for a very long time. I’m in my early forties, and I wrote my first story when I was in second grade. Every story I write has its own voice and method and process, but one thing is similar. I’m a thinker. I don’t always write down an outline. I’m a procrastinator, which is code for, “I think about things until I’ve got it organized in my head. Then I’ll write.”

 That said, there are some stories that have pretty elaborate outlines. Too Familiar has an outline now, but it didn’t when I started it since it was only supposed to be a one shot. Always Rivals has an outline. End of Love has an outline. All my completed JHutch and Joshifer stories had outlines. I know District 14 and Code Name: Mockingjay need outlines (and am procrastinating on making them). When a story gets long(ish), I end up needing an outline.

 Do you use a beta?

 Again, it depends on the story. I used to use a beta for everything I wrote. @myusernamehere and @jennagill and @cheeks-and-white-tshirts and @xerxia31 have all been regular betas for me. A few others have looked things over. Now, I tend not to use a beta, although @xerxia31 still glances over a lot of things for me before I post.

 Good betas who will tell you if your story is crap and/or needs development or whatever are the best and absolutely amazing. I am super grateful for them. The reason I stopped using one every time is more for timing reasons than anything else. I’m a procrastinator, so asking someone to beta when I’m up against a timeline just isn’t fair to those who are volunteering to help me. Also, I’m a pretty good proofreader and editor, and I’m usually fairly confident about what I want to do in a story. I’ve typically talked out the plot with someone beforehand, so the chapter by chapter beta-ing isn’t needed the same as it used to be.

 Do you post right away?

 Almost never. Drabble challenges, yes. I’ve actually whipped out some @talesofpanem stories in a couple of hours and posted, but that’s only because of the deadlines. I tend to let a story sit for a while and edit a few times before posting it. It helps catch repetitious words and typos I wouldn’t catch otherwise. I don’t want to post something half-assed because I don’t want to read something half-assed.

 I’ve posted one story that was completed before I started. It was a Josh/OC story, so nothing from Everlark. However, that will change with the two @fandomtrumpshate stories I’m writing. Both will be complete and shared with their respective bidders before I start posting to tumblr and AO3. I’m also trying to use this month’s Nanowrimo to finish some stories (or get a big jump on them), so posting time between chapters isn’t so long. I understand people’s frustration. I really do. I’m trying to be better.

  Story questions:

 Where did the story come from?

 Too Familiar—I’ve put this out there before, but here it is again. I was in grad school, and another grad student and I met and clicked instantly. He was married. We became the best of friends and ended up falling madly in love with each other. I honestly believe if soulmates exist, we are it. The hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give him up. Eventually (after I moved to Houston), we cut off communication. I talked to him for the first time in eight years last month. He still loves me. He’s still with his wife. He thanked me for the sacrifice I made by letting him go. It is a terrible, awful, horrible situation, and there is no happy ending for either of us. In the story, I tried to give Everlark one, even though it’s messy and complicated and some readers hate both Katniss and Peeta in it. But it happens. People don’t always do things the right way, and that’s what I was trying to show in the story. Sometimes love isn’t fair or right or moral or good. Sometimes it’s painful and raw and means breaking the rules—at least in fanfiction.

 Sole Beneficiary—I had an ex-boyfriend who worked nights. He and I still really liked each other, and I was lonely and stressed out in grad school. I used to go over to his place after morning workouts and climb into bed and cuddle with him. He was all sleepy and warm and teddy bear-like, and it was really comforting. It was also really confusing, which is what the story’s about.

 Cattle Show—I used to show cattle when I was in 4-H. There was a family from a neighboring town with three brothers. The middle one was named Brett, and he was one of the kindest, sweetest, most gorgeous creatures I’d ever met. His family owned a registered farm with a logo and everything, and my family rented our farm and didn’t have the money to invest in outward appearances. Still, those nights at the fair were some of the best of my childhood memories. Sleeping in the cattle trailers (and me in the bean truck) and hanging out after it was dark and a lot of people drinking and people sneaking off together all happened. I was younger and much more innocent, but those three brothers were always in the middle of it all. Brett was always kind to me, even though I was five years younger and kind of on the outskirt of things. He passed away a few years ago in his early forties, and the world is a darker place because of it.

 Which was the easiest to write?

 Of the three, Cattle Show is lighter and more fun. It’s also the one that doesn’t really skirt the boundaries of acceptable moral behavior. Because of that, people have accepted it more readily even though the others have gotten more attention.

 What is your favorite part of the story?

 Too Familiar—I just wrote the exchange between Madge and Katniss, and that was A LOT of fun (and probably not what people are expecting). However, I think my favorite part was when Peeta confesses how he feels about her for the first time and then is absolutely mortified when he does at the end of chapter 1 and beginning of chapter 2. He’s so vulnerable, and she’s so stunned and angry. It’s kind of beautiful and simultaneously heartbreaking.

 Sole Beneficiary—I love this line: “I swear someday I’m going to say no to you,” he growls and tugs my clothes off. “Someday I’m going to realize I’m a fool for letting you use me. Someday I’m going to find someone else.”

 Cattle Show—There’s some drunk Peeta in there, and I adore writing drunk Peeta.

 Were you shocked or disappointed by the reaction the story got?

 Too Familiar—Not exactly. It’s gotten a lot of attention on AO3, and not all of it’s good. There are some readers who hate both main characters and say there’s nothing redeeming about either of them and no excuses for their actions. I’m not really sure why they keep reading the story, to be honest. It disappoints me that the story I’m trying to tell about gray areas is being read in black and white terms.

 Sole Beneficiary—Not for this one. I’ve been really pleasantly pleased that people seem to want more. I get more requests for this than any other story. I don’t really know why it’s so compelling to so many, but I’m appreciative of the reception.

 Cattle Show—I’m always a little surprised when someone tells me this is their favorite. It kinda flew under the radar, so when it comes up, that makes me happy.

  Future plans:

 Top tier priority—Too Familiar, Three Months, Maybe This Summer, Float Your Boat, Playlist: Home, Hold It

 Second tier priority—Always Rivals, Code Name: Mockingjay, Influenza, Sole Beneficiary, District 14

 I’ll get to them eventually—Extended Office Hours, The Cipher, Mother of Pearl, Bullseye, We Wish Real, High Society, Go With Me, Hope Boldly, The Doppelganger, The Worst Day, Small Town Secrets, The Cry

[so-shiny-so-chrome]

Witness: Battle_Cat

Creator name (AO3): battle_cat

Creator name (Tumblr): fuckyeahisawthat

Link to creator works: https://archiveofourown.org/users/battle_cat/works

Q: Why the Mad Max Fandom?

A: Fury Road blew my goddamn mind. I like action movies and female action protagonists, but nothing has ever quite hit me like Fury Road. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I had never written fanfic and didn't know what ao3 was, but the characters just wouldn't leave my head. I started seeking out meta on Tumblr, and many of the people who were writing and sharing great meta were also writing fic, and at some point I started thinking, hey, this is a thing I can do. And then I did it, A LOT.

Q: What do you think are some defining aspects of your work? Do you have a style? Recurrent themes?

A: Smut smut and more smut, lol! And sometimes action. I really like writing about intense physical experiences and the emotions they generate. I come from a screenwriting background, so I tend to be terse and am always thinking about how to say the most with the fewest words possible. I love writing characters who find it very hard to talk about their feelings, so Max and Furiosa are pretty much perfect for me.

Q: Which of your works was the most fun to create? The most difficult? Which is your most popular? Most successful? Your favourite overall?

A: Ahhh I can't pick between all of my children! AO3 statistics says Zero to Sixty, my Max-and-Furiosa-get-together fic, is my most popular by hits, kudos and bookmarks, which is not surprising given that it was written early in the fandom. I don't think I can pick a favorite but I have a lot of love for: Desperate Measures, Her Reputation Precedes Her, Hard Run, Tough to be Tender, and Scarf Thing. The only fic I'm still slightly unhappy with: Equinox. I feel like I set up some great tension and then wrapped it up too quickly.

Q: How do you like your wasteland? Gritty? Hopeful? Campy? Soft? Why?

A: Hard but with some humanity left still.

Q: Walk us through your creative process from idea to finished product. What's your prefered environment for creating? How do you get through rough patches?

A: Most of my short pieces are really just a single scene, sometimes with setup and aftermath. Sometimes I'll start with an image (like one of @youkaiyume's excellent smut drawings) or a concept or idea for the scene. Something short, like under 2,000 words, I will ideally sit down and write in one draft, maybe in a day or two. I don't do a lot of drafts, although I do somewhat edit as I go. Something longer like a multi-chapter fic, I usually have a separate Word document with notes and a very rough outline. I usually have the ending or the big climactic scene in my head before I've got everything in the middle figured out. If I'm struggling with something, I'll usually step away and just let my brain chew on it for a while, until I figure out what about it isn't working for me. I learned in grad school that your brain can be doing a lot of creative heavy lifting while you're off doing other things.

Q: What (if any) music do you listen to for help getting those creative juices flowing?

A: I'm not much of a music person, tbh. I have gotten inspiration from fanart, Tumblr submissions and kinkmeme prompts, though.

Q: What is your biggest challenge as a creator?

A: Finding enough time and energy to write. I'm someone who needs big chunks of time to let my brain get into the creative state and this whole having to have a job thing is a real drag.

Q: How have you grown as a creator through your participation in the Mad Max Fandom? How has your work changed? Have you learned anything about yourself?

A: When I saw Fury Road, I had been in a serious writing drought for the better part of a year. I was frustrated and feeling very hopeless about the filmmaking world. Even under the best of conditions, filmmaking is an incredibly slow process with a lot of gatekeepers. Being able to just write something, put it on ao3 and get instant feedback was an incredible breath of fresh air. I remembered my love of writing and found a whole new creative community. I started exploring a new genre, erotica, and learned that I love it. I started writing prose again after a long period of focusing on screenwriting, and gained a new appreciation for what can be done in the short story format.

Q: Which character do you relate to the most, and how does that affect your approach to that character? Is someone else your favourite to portray? How has your understanding of these characters grown through portraying them?

A: Furiosa is the character who lives in my head most vividly. She has a lot of characteristics I tend to put in my original female characters: a certain ruthlessness and hardness; hypercompetence combined with standoffishness punctuated by a few key moments of vulnerability.

Q: Do you ever self-insert, even accidentally?

A: I don't really like talking about characters as self-inserts. I think every character has some part of you in them whether you're aware of it or not.

Q: Do you have any favourite relationships to portray? What interests you about them?

A: Maxiosa for sure. I already had a pattern before Fury Road of writing hard women and caring men, so Furiosa and Max fit right into that. They are both incredibly damaged people who have been the victims and the perpetrators of violence, have a lot of self-loathing, have been isolated in various ways for a long time, and are used to having no one to trust. Bringing those two people together and watching them slowly allow themselves to trust each other is very powerful.

Q: How does your work for the fandom change how you look at the source material?

A: Fury Road is an incredibly rich text and there are so many things that are only hinted at, left unexplained or implied. I've lost count of how many times I've watched it at this point, but there are always more details to notice and spin headcanons about.

Q: Do you prefer to create in one defined chronology or do your works stand alone? Why or why not?

A: For MMFR, I started out writing mostly short smutty one-shots. At a certain point it made sense to start stringing them together, and the ones that take place in the same timeline are now roughly in order in the series Together. It happened organically, though - I tend to write my longer stories non-chronologically anyway, so at some point I realized I was constructing a giant smut novel.

Q: To break or not to break canon? Why?

A: Ehn, I am pretty agnostic on this. Sometimes sticking to canon can be a fun limitation you impose on your story. Other times, ignoring it can be a fun what-if.

Q: Share some headcanons.

A: Ace definitely lived. Nux definitely died historic. Valkyrie is alive in some of my stories and not in others. Dag's baby is a girl and she names her Angharad. Max comes and goes from the Citadel, staying for increasingly longer periods of time. Furiosa often wants to leave, but feels too much responsibility to the new Citadel to ever let herself.

Q: If you work with OCs walk us through your process for creating them. Who are some of your favourites?

A: I haven't created a lot of OCs in the Mad Max world because the canon characters are just so interesting to explore. But when I do they just kind of pop up. Biltong from the story Her Reputation Precedes Her is a personal favorite.

Q: If you create original works, how do those compare to your fan works?

A: My original works are mostly on the action/thriller/horror spectrum. I had never written smut before MMFR, but to me, it's very similar to writing action. You're telling a story through high-intensity physicality and the emotions surrounding it. In my original works, I mostly write female protagonists in high-intensity situations, so it made sense that MMFR would catch my attention.

Q: What are some works by other creators inside and outside of the fandom that have influenced your work?

A: @primarybufferpanel 's Orbit was my fandom gateway drug. @primarybufferpanel, @sacrificethemtothesquid, @lurkinghistoric, @v8roadworrier, @thebyrchentwigges, @thatonezombiecosplayer, @youkaiyume, @ecouter-bien , @bethagain, @fadagaski and @yohunny have all created things that I find inspiring, epic, thrilling, heartbreaking, hot, funny or all of the above. And I'm lucky that I've gotten to know many of them online and in meatspace!

Q: What advice can you give someone who is struggling to make their own works more interesting, compelling, cohesive, etc.? 

A: Stop and ask yourself: What does this character want? Why are they doing what they're doing right now? Concretely, what are they trying to achieve? What are the obstacles? What are the consequences if they don't get what they want? If a scene or story isn't working for me, usually it's because I don't know the answer to one of these questions.

Q: Have you visited or do you plan to visit Australia, Wasteland Weekend, or other Mad Max place?

A: I've been to Wasteland Weekend 3 times (2016, '17, '18) with Clan of the Boltcutters, and plan to go again in 2019. It's been so cool watching our camp and the festival grow and change each year. I had never been to anything remotely like Wasteland before I got involved in the Mad Max fandom, and now I can't imagine it not being part of my year. Australia...maybe someday.

Q: Tell us about a current WIP or planned project.

A: While I've been writing in the Venom fandom lately, I do plan to come back at some point and finish Closer, a story I really liked writing that I just haven't gotten time to get back to. I also have a few lingering MMFR projects that will hopefully be completed later this year.

Thank you @fuckyeahisawthat

[justalittlebluetiefling]

Chapter 50: Sometimes I Can’t See Myself

Rating: T Fandom: The 100 Pairing: Bellamy x Clarke Chapter: 50/68 Word Count: 2636 Words

Chapter Summary: The one where Clarke makes an unpleasant discovery.

A/N: Okay, damn, this was literally the hardest chapter to write. I’m still not 100% happy with it, but I cut it in half so I could at least get an update in. No cliffhanger, I swear. Anyway, I can’t wait to be done with the next chapter. It shouldn’t take me as long to get the next update out, at least. And then this disastrous portion will be behind us. Sorry for the lack of Bellamy here. He’s all over the next one, I promise.

Also on AO3;  Start from the beginning on AO3

The first day Clarke didn’t hear from Lexa, she wanted to assume she was busy. It was easier to assume that she was busy than to think that she was being ignored.

The second day, she was angry.

The third day, she was a little worried. She was tempted to ask Lincoln if he knew what was going on, but she didn’t want to put him in the middle of things. Instead, she decided to pretend that there wasn’t anything wrong.

On the fourth night, she cried herself to sleep and wondered what could be so wrong with her that someone would just disappear without saying anything.

The fifth day, Monty bought her a mocha with extra whip and caramel drizzle between classes. When he handed it over, he didn’t even tease her about the grotesque amount of sugar in her drink. It was clear that she wasn’t doing a a great job at fooling her friends.

She skipped her classes on day six, because she had slept so poorly the night before.

By the time a week had gone by, Clarke discovered that anger almost functioned as well as caffeine to get her through the day. If she let herself be angry, it gave her a little boost. Not enough to make it through the day, but enough to make a decision. She was done texting, done calling, done moping. She was just angry. Anger is what drove her to Lexa’s apartment to pound on the door until she got an answer.

No one answered, so she sat down on the floor to wait. While she waited, she pulled out her study guide for the MCATs to run over some more questions. The test was in three weeks and Clarke’s current stress levels hadn’t been great for her study schedule. It was a way to pass time until Lexa got home, but time still dragged.

And dragged.

It had been almost an hour when she heard Lexa’s voice coming up the stairs in the form of a hushed argument. Sudden, overwhelming panic made Clarke feel sick to her stomach as Lexa appeared at the top of the stairs, flattened cardboard boxes tucked under her arm. Lexa stopped in her tracks at the sight of Clarke and a startled Lincoln almost slammed into her back.

Clarke took a deep breath and clenched her fists so tight her nails dug into her palms. She barely recognized her own voice through the strain. “We need to talk.”

To her credit, Lexa looked mildly panicked for about thirty seconds. Of course, one of her frustrating qualities was the handle she had on her emotions, but Clarke felt a little victorious that it appeared to take an effort to get them under control. “I was planning on calling you in a couple days to talk.”

Lincoln scoffed, startling Clarke and Lexa both. “Well, she’s here now, so you can fucking talk.” He took the boxes from Lexa and let himself into her apartment. On his way in, he shot Clarke an apologetic look. She wondered how long he had known about whatever was going on. She wondered what they had been arguing about on their walk up the stairs.

The silence stretched painfully after he was gone. Lexa maintained eye contact, but her jaw was set.

Clarke broke first. “What the fuck are the boxes for?”

“I got the opportunity to live in Florence next year. My advisor arranged it so I can finish the year there. I couldn’t turn it down.”

“You couldn’t… couldn’t turn it down?” It was hard not to choke on her words. Any thought of standing to try to be on more even ground vanished half-formed. Clarke was sure she couldn’t stand if she needed to.  “So you decided to what? Pack up and leave without saying goodbye?”

“I told you, I was going to call you in a couple of days.”

“Were you planning on calling while the plane was taxing down the runway? ‘Oh, hey, Clarke. On my way to Rome. Peace?’”

Lexa had the decency to look ashamed, but her tone was still harsh. “Don’t be like that, Clarke.”

“Be like what? Pissed off that my girlfriend is apparently moving halfway around the world without telling me? Of fucking course I’m going to be like this. What did you expect?”

Lexa sighed and sat down on the floor, motioning to the ground next to her. Clarke glared and crossed her arms. No way was she going to sit next to her and let Lexa try to talk her way out of it. It felt like she had a better chance at staying strong if she stood, so she finally forced herself up. When Lexa realized Clarke wasn’t going to move, she sighed again and leaned back.

“How would you have preferred I handle this?”

“You could have called or come over or anything! We could have sat down and talked this out like adults.”

“Should we be sitting to talk this out like adults? Because you’re standing now.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Just tell me how long you’ve known about this.”

“I’ve known about the opportunity since before we started dating.”

“Did you apply for it right away?”

“No. I almost missed the deadline, actually. I didn’t want to put the strain on a new relationship.”

“And this isn’t strain on a ‘new’ relationship?!” She used air quotes, because their relationship wasn’t new. Not anymore.

Lexa shrugged. “I decided that I needed to look out for myself. I was being weak by trying to factor you into my decisions this early in the relationship. Especially when you’re not ready to make such a strong commitment.”

Clarke’s jaw dropped. It was impossible to fully absorb what Lexa said. “I don’t… what are you talking about? When did I ever give you the impression that I wasn’t willing to commit to you? You didn’t even give me a chance to fix whatever you think is wrong.”

“I gave you plenty of chances. I told you what I needed to feel secure in our relationship and you blatantly disregarded it multiple times.”

The ‘Bellamy’ of it all hit her like a ton of bricks. “Please tell me you’re not moving to a different continent to punish me because you don’t like my best friend.”

Lexa raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know if I’d word it that way.”

Clarke took a step back into the wall behind her, shocked at how far Lexa was going to try to prove a point. “Well, then how would you word it?”

Lexa stood, walked over to her, and ran her thumb along Clarke’s cheek. She smiled sadly. “I can be second or third or fourth place behind school or work or maybe even family, but I can’t be behind him. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to either of you.”

They stood there in silence for a moment as Clarke once again attempted to absorb what was happening. She didn’t know if she should push Lexa’s hand away or try to beg, because both seemed valid to her in the moment. Lexa had never been patient, though.

“I need to keep packing, Clarke. You can stay, but it would probably be better if you go.”

Clarke frowned and took a few steps toward the stairs before turning back. Lexa was still watching her. “We could have tried long distance, you know. I thought you were worth it.”

“It wouldn’t have worked.”

“Why?”

“If you don’t understand now, I hope you do someday.” Lexa went inside her apartment and didn’t look back.

Lincoln 2:32pm Lexa’s moving to Italy.

Octavia 2:33pm EXCUSE ME WHAT?

Lincoln 2:35pm I went to her place today to talk to her and ended up taking her to the store for more boxes. She’s moving to Italy for her first year of grad school.

Octavia 2:37pm Clarke hasn’t mentioned this to me at all What the hell?

Lincoln 2:38pm Pretty sure Clarke didn’t know. When we got back with the boxes, Clarke was sitting outside her apartment. L’s trying to hide the fact that she’s crying while she boxes up her books. I think she just broke up with Clarke.

Octavia 2:41pm Hey, I love you, but maybe fucking lead with that next time.

Lincoln 2:42pm Noted. Tell me how she’s doing when you get home, okay? By the time I got out there, she was already gone.

Octavia 2:43pm I’ll be home in 20 I’ll text you as soon as I can

By the time Octavia got home, Clarke was basically a pile of blankets on the couch. The pile didn’t even move when the door shut, but O could see Clarke’s toes sticking out and what appeared to be an eyehole at the other end.

“You’re being really nice and what I’m about to say is going to make you hate me.”

“Okay, then I’ll just open the box for you.”

Octavia didn’t need to look at the TV to recognize Parks and Rec. She set her bag on the ground and pulled off her jazz shoes before she called across the room. “Why are you starting at season four?” She thought she did a great job at sounding casual.

“I just needed to, okay?” Clarke’s voice was muffled and a little broken.

“Is it okay if I watch with you?”

“If you want. I thought you had practice tonight.”

Octavia was supposed to go to practice, but she hardly ever skipped. This was definitely an emergency and she didn’t want to leave Clarke alone. She walked over to the couch and stood next to Clarke’s head. “I’m not feeling too great,” she lied. “I think I’m going to stay home.”

The blankets shifted, the episode paused, and Clarke poked her head out to study Octavia. Her eyes were red and puffy, but she had stern doctor face on. “Do you have a fever? I can go get you some soup. Do you want Mucinex? Nyquil? Tums?”

“No, no, no.” Octavia climbed onto the couch and hugged Clarke as best as she could through the blankets. “I’m mostly worried you’re not feeling well. You’re usually studying your face off right now, not binging TV. Not that I’m complaining. I want to hang out, just in case.”

“Oh. Well, you don’t need to.”

Octavia rolled her eyes and started searching through the blankets. “Where’s the controller? You really think I’m going to practice when Ben and Leslie are breaking up? You know I can’t see this episode without binging straight through to episode eight. Maybe episode nine.”

Clarke muttered something under her breath about Lincoln, but O didn’t hear enough and just stared at the TV expectantly. The episode eventually started up again and Clarke leaned her head against Octavia’s shoulder.

Octavia 4:45pm do you know why they broke up? clarke has confirmed the event but won’t talk about the circumstances i can’t tell if she’s more mad or sad

Lincoln 4:57pm Is she okay? Lexa isn’t being very forthcoming.

Octavia 5:00pm well the whole thing is fucked up i don’t know if i even care why i mean i do because clarke’s a badass and lexa’s an idiot 5:05pm sorry i mean i do mean that but i know she’s your friend

Lincoln 5:07pm Don’t worry about it. I’m fucking pissed too. Lexa’s been hurt a lot though. I don’t think she was fully over her last breakup.

Octavia 5:09pm Well that’s bullshit why would she start a new relationship? clarke is way better than a rebound

Lincoln 5:15pm I know. This is all my fault. I shouldn’t have introduced them.

Octavia 5:17pm you can’t blame yourself for this blame your bff she’s an adult and knew what she was doing

Lincoln 5:18pm You didn’t answer my question, by the way. Is Clarke okay?

Octavia 5:21pm I don’t really know. we’re watching season 4 parks and rec she’s not crying but she’s staring at the screen and won’t talk anymore

Lincoln 7:14pm I have a theory about the breakup. But you can’t freak out if I tell you.

Octavia 7:16pm You know I can’t promise that.

Lincoln 7:17pm Well at least promise that you won’t jump all over Clarke about it.

Octavia 7:18pm Fuck the things i do for love this is bullshit tell me

Lincoln 7:20pm Okay, so you know they’ve been fighting.

Octavia 7:21pm duh

Lincoln 7:23pm Not helpful. I’m rolling my eyes at you. What was always the main factor in their fights?

Octavia 7:26pm no way no just no that’s the stupidest thing i’ve ever heard

Lincoln 7:29pm You really think it’s that farfetched? Lexa’s pretty insecure. Why would it be weird for her to be jealous of Bellamy?

Octavia 7:31pm okay you know i used to think there was something there i thought it for a long time but clarke started dating lexa and bell started dating gina who is amazing btw i was wrong it’s okay to be wrong sometimes it’s the way odds work despite what you say i am not perfect all the time

Lincoln 7:34pm Stop making me laugh. It’s pissing Lexa off. But you know I used to be jealous of Clarke, right?

Octavia 7:35pm wow okay even through texts you’re the worst liar you two immediately bonded

Lincoln 7:38pm Not true. I liked her, yeah. She was the most welcoming out of everyone. But she’s your best friend. She still knows things about you that I don’t. It’s the same thing. And you’re not the only one who thought something was there. Their friendship has always seemed a little romantic. Raven and Jasper never shut up about it. Especially when he was sleeping over all the time. He was still sleeping there a couple nights a week when she started dating Lexa. He didn’t stop until after she introduced Lexa to everyone. It’s why they never got along. Side note, can you tell them to remove me from the fucking group text?

Octavia 7:45pm still don’t buy it we knew he was still there they weren’t fucking and lexa never knew he was sleeping over, did she? also i asked them to a couple times jasper says no because he wants you to feel included

Lincoln 7:48pm I mentioned it to her once. Way before they met. I don’t know if she ever connected the dots. But she’s not stupid. I’d be surprised if she didn’t. Wait… can’t you remove me from the group? You’re the one who made it.

Octavia 7:50pm i don’t know what you’re talking about at least jasper’s been quieter since they started dating people can’t we call it a victory? and if you don’t know if she knew bell was sleeping over i still don’t buy it there were other reasons for them to break up because i love you i refuse to extrapolate

Lincoln 7:52pm Thanks, I think?

Octavia 9:48pm Wow. I honestly can’t believe Lexa dumped Clarke because she’s jealous of my stupid brother

Lincoln 9:50pm What changed your mind?

Octavia 9:51pm Clarke just told me on her own, I promise i didn’t even ask they’ve literally been fighting about him for three months are you still at her place?

Lincoln 9:54pm I’m getting ready to go home. Why? Want me to call you?

Octavia 9:55pm No. I want you to stab her.

Lincoln 9:55pm You’re terrifying sometimes.

Octavia 9:56pm All the time. And come on. Just a little bit?

Lincoln 9:57pm No stabbing. How do you stab someone just a little bit?

Octavia 9:58pm Ugh, you’re no fun. I just want to defend Clarke’s honor.

Lincoln 9:59pm All over it babe. I promise. WITHOUT STABBING.

[porcupine-girl]

Fic I will write someday

Uh, the first version of this contained weird shit at the bottom, and Tumblr wouldn’t let me edit the post (maybe because of said weird shit?), so sorry for the repost...

I’m not allowed to really write any fic until my dissertation is done (so, September). After that I am going to write ALL THE FIC. However, even if I can’t write any of it down my brain is still churning it out.

Right now I’m taking a break from trying to understand how to interpret the results of multiple logistic regression (if anyone here knows, HELP PLEASE edit: I think I’m figuring it out), so I’m going to tell you guys about some of the fics I have either partially finished or like in outline/brainstorm form. Feel free to tell me which ones you think I should work on first!

Zimbits:

My second FTH fic, the prompt was “social media witch Bitty.” I’ve taken that and combined it with the plot of the musical She Loves Me. The 45K first draft is done, but I’ve got a LOT of editing/rewriting to do. It currently sits around 48K. My top priority once I can focus on fic again.

A couple more stories for Oh., the compilation of alternate Jack/Bitty getting together scenes.

Random compilation of canon missing scenes (right after the kiss, in Madison, etc).

ABO: Jack and Bitty are both omegas and accidentally mate. Oops!

More in the A Lot Like Life ‘verse: some Bitty coming out to his parents stuff, some Bitty in Montreal stuff, plus lots of smut. We’ve got some sensory deprivation, some Bitty making Jack watch him dance with other guys at a club, some role reversal, and one doc titled “underwear” that just contains a text conversation of Bitty having a surprise for Jack and refusing to share details, which I’m guessing was going to involve Jack in panties? IDK, at some point there will be Jack in panties.

Academia AU: Jack is a first year Assistant Prof in the history department, Bitty is a 3rd(?maybe?) year grad student who is his TA for the fall. Bitty winds up dropping out of grad school, because I was working through my issues when I conceived this plot. Not because he had bad grades or anything, just because fuck academia. Anyhow, then they can date.

Woke up married in Vegas AU: What it says on the tin. Jack went to Samwell for two years then joined the Falconers, so didn’t meet Bitty there, but Shitty has been trying to get them together for years. So when Bitty is in Vegas for some kind of youtube awards or something, and Jack is there for a game against the Aces, they meet and hey, Shitty was right, they get along really well. Oops!

Jack hooks up with Camilla once at the start of his senior year. Three months later, he finds out she’s pregnant. She doesn’t want to have an abortion; she plans to give the baby up for adoption. Jack decides he wants to keep the baby, because his rookie year in the NHL needs to be more complicated. But his parents will help and he’ll get a nanny and stuff. Bitty, being Bitty, talks Jack into hiring him as his nanny for the summer. Because covering Jack with baking ingredients wasn’t enough, now he needs to see Jack taking care of a newborn

SPN:

Okay I swear I’m going to finish Museum of Broken Relationships and The Breath Before the Phrase. Breath is… hm. I should have ended it where it is, but I thought I had one more chapter, but I’m not sure I actually do. There might be one more short chapter, or I might rewrite Ch 10 to tie it up. Either way, I actually have later stuff in the series written so I would really like to be able to move forward there.

ABO: Alternate S9, Kevin and Human!Cas are living in the bunker. Dean has to go off his suppressants to have a heat because he hasn’t had one in years and that’s not healthy. Surprise! Truemates! Who’dathunkit.

ABO Dean/Cas/Bela, Bela POV: Dean is an alpha, Cas is a beta, they’re mated. Cas can’t really handle Dean’s ruts, so they go to a sex club to find an omega when they need to. Bela has helped them out several times now. Although, this time she finds out that they aren’t quite who she thought they were.

Cas is a lecturer in religious studies at the University of Nebraska. He has a run-in with a crazy guy who tries to kill him. Two FBI agents show up to investigate; Cas discovers that their suspect, who definitely looks like the guy, is dead and they’re not FBI agents. He forces them to take him along to the grave desecration stuff, finds out it really was a ghost and the supernatural is real. Sam and Dean try to keep him from getting involved, but he’s a little shit and keeps popping up anyhow, at some point hooking up with Dean in the process. But Dean keeps pushing him away, won’t do it again. They finally give in and have their friend Charlie move in with him because at least he’ll have a babysitter if he insists on getting involved in all this shit. Then Rowena shows up, and things get really weird.

And Yet ‘verse (canon divergent D/s stuff): I actually have a story for this written, sitting there for like two years in need of editing. And an outline for a whole big series.

Academia AU: Yeah, another one. hahaha. Anyhow, I conceived of this like three years ago, then got stuck a few chapters in, I think because I just wasn’t a good enough writer to do the things I wanted. Maybe now I could finish it. Dean is a MechE PhD student, Cas is a first year Psychology Assistant Prof who needs a housemate.

Dean and Cas are MIT students who meet at a particular event. I’m not going to say more because I don’t want this post showing up on searches for particular terms (this fic would also be locked to AO3 members for that reason).

I just got my SPN ABO bingo card, so in addition to the two ABOs here you can count on a bunch more coming! I doubt I’ll get a blackout, but there will be at least 4-5 for a bingo.

Other:

I really wanna write Two/Nyx for Dark Matter.

Sherlock/Anthea pre-canon PWP that tried to grow a casefic plot so I gave up.

Sherlock/Sally pre-canon PWP, they meet at a college party and hook up

Started before S3 - John and Sherlock confess their feelings the morning of John and Mary’s wedding, which gets cancelled. They’re such assholes.

[adhd-ahamilton]

Joy To The World, 1, 4 and 5!

Hoo boy, so many questions!!! I hope you’re prepared for the deluge that’s gonna result...~ I’ll answer these tonight and finish the ones in the other messages tomorrow morning!

1. What inspired you to write the fic this way?

So. Over the last five or so years I’ve been writing fic, in all but the second year, I’ve written a special Christmas-related fic for Christmas. (And I did two the first year, so.) Christmas is a really important holiday to me and I really love Christmas-related stuff (the cheesier and sillier the better), so it became kind of a tradition. But this year, I was at a little bit of a loss. I knew I wanted to write Lams, because that’s my big thing right now. But how would I write Christmas Lams? Did they even properly ‘celebrate’ Christmas during that time period?? Or should I just go for an AU?

I researched it, and thankfully it turns out that the 18th century is around when people did start to celebrate Christmas in the modern sense (and it’s also when carols really started to come about, which is great because per tradition all my Christmas fic are titled after a carol), but that was just the beginning of the issue. When exactly would it be set? Valley Forge? But, uh... I highly doubted they would be really doing all that much at that point. But I couldn’t really think of any time outside of Lams AU that they’d be together. (And then I found out afterwards that Ham wasn’t even there for Christmas 1777, so, welp.) And I really couldn’t think of any kind of actual plot. I could have done a kind of meditation on their relationships to religion, but I didn’t know that much about which specific form of Christianity they belonged to, and I thought it was something that could be and HAD been done much better by other people. (Plus that’s not really my fave kind of fic to write to begin with.)

So, it wasn’t really working out that well. But still, I really kept trying. Through November, my working plan became almost set in stone: I’d do a combined historical and modern AU fic, switching back and forth between scenes, comparing themes (supply lists in VF compared with finding money for food over Christmas break in modern AU), sorta casually looking at the differences. When I gave it up, it was partly out of lack of interest in the themes, but my conscious reason was ‘I just don’t really care about modern AU Lams.’

...which came to the crux of the problem all along: I’m not really an AU person. Or rather, I’m very not an AU person. I’ve written very few AUs in my time, and almost all of them were historical AUs - certainly not modern day ones, and definitely not school AUs. I don’t have any, like, moral opposition - I can fully appreciate the transformative potential of full-setting AUs and find very interesting the interdependent communities that develop around AU-heavy fandoms as they essentially create their own accepted canons - but I just...don’t tend to like them. I’m very analytical!! The idea of just...MAKING UP not just one character or setting but basically a whole story just always seemed simultaneously too easy and too hard to me!!! Plus, I like to write really interesting and unusual things and try new styles, and one of the most basic points of interests for me in writing is asking what makes these characters and relationships unique, based on their precise personalities and backstories and combinations of traits. None of that lends well to full-setting AUs.

But. As I was mulling this terrible problem over, as usual, I was also running over in my head all kinds of various different characterisation ideas. This time, I was thinking about how it was interesting that Hamilton always seemed to be written in opposition to Henry Laurens, when IRL it seems they had a pretty decent acquaintanceship. And I was thinking about it, and I really started to think that, actually, someone in Hamilton’s point of view - who was constantly abandoned by his father, and desperate for his attention, and incredibly ambitious despite the circumstances of his birth - would be one of the WORST people to understand that an overly-controlling, overly-interested father who expects extremely highly of his son could be a negative influence. Which also added to another thought I’d been having. I always liked one quote from Chernow, that Laurens must have seen in Hamilton what a man who makes himself can do, and it always made me think that Hamilton must have been the same way - that he must have seen in Laurens the man he had always aimed to be. So, Laurens grew up in a good family, acknowledged and promoted by said family, with plenty of money and a great deal of opportunity. To Hamilton... yeah, it’d definitely be hard for him to see the problems with that. (And, you know, there IS a lot of privilege there!! It’s just, y’know, that mental illness doesn’t always listen to that.) But, those thoughts were kinda moot, because I really couldn’t think of any way to contrast these different experiences with fathers in historical verse.

And that’s when it came to me. What if I did a modern AU where Hamilton came down to visit the Laurens family for Christmas?

I didn’t have the time (or, really, the interest) to develop a full-on world for everyone, and a uni AU just seemed to be the most appropriate for this one, anyway. And it also did have a bit of appeal: it always kinda bugged me that in the AUs I read, Hamilton and Laurens never seemed to be studying law, even though that’s historically what they did do. As a law grad, I figured I might as well be the one to write it. (Though law in Australia is p different from in the US - there’s no separate law school, we just study it straight out of high school like anything else - but whatever.) And once I was doing THAT, it was hard for me to escape the fact that, in the real world, studying law hadn’t...exactly always been the best experience for me. Given that Laurens didn’t really want to study it either, it seemed appropriate to lean on those experiences a bit.

Aaand that’s where we really get to the meat of the inspiration behind it, heh. Which is to say: this is possibly the most autobiographical thing I’ve ever written...? I’ll say outright that a lot of it WAS entirely invented - my relationship with my family is nothing like John’s was in this, at all. But my anxieties over studying, and my worries about the future and what a career in law would lead to... yeah, that came from me haha. Because, to get kind of personal about it... well, I graduated July 2015. And in the time since then, I have been employed for about 2.5? months, total. The job scene here, in general and especially for law grads, is just that bad. (And, uh, there was a fair bit of personal fault in my lack of preparation for after I’d graduate? But, seriously, I was really anxious already...) And ever since then - particularly 2016 to the present - I’ve also had a lot of anxiety and depression and stuff going on. At the time I wrote the fic, it was in a position of leaning worse rather than better. So...I honestly don’t know if there was ever, like, a dispassionate fic in there safely cordoned off from my own projections, but if there was, it didn’t last long.

So, I got the idea, and wrote it all up pretty quickly in early December, just kinda ridin’ that catharsis of getting all that stuff out. (And it turned out to be even more relevant than I thought, as ‘trying to enjoy Christmas like you usually do when you’re really not happy’ also ended up a very autobiographical theme.) And that’s how it happened!

As for one or two other things:

I really really didn’t wanna get too into politics in the fic lmao. I don’t feel comfortable with more than the broadest strokes of Hamilton’s beliefs (I’m gonna GET THERE but Im still well rev-verse in Chernow) and I always feel uncomfortable about portraying historical figure in any better light than they deserve when it comes to specific matters. But I also wanted to have Laurens and Hamilton at least as POC because I also think it’s important to increase racial diversity in fanfic in the rare cases that we really get a clear choice. So, I tried to kinda portray that without really getting detailed about any activist stuff or whatever. Which is why in Ham’s argument with Henry he’s really not siding with anyone, he’s just an economics wonk who gets mad when people on both sides of the political aisle don’t make sure their numbers add up, lol. That was my best compromise. (And Philly kinda nudged me when I still got too far off-course;; haha!)

Hamilton has ADHD because: again, I wanted to actually officially write up neurodivergent characters into fic when I had the option of being specific (my Ham is always neurodivergent but obv I can’t explicitly write that into the text of historical verse), and it’s ADHD because......well, I could write a really long thing about that alone lmfao. And I feel like I kind of should in some ways because I know that a lot of people aren’t rly familiar with how ADHD tends to actually, like, feel, for real-life people, and if you aren’t then I KNOW this must sound like a really arbitrary or misguided HC. And I’d really love to write it up and expand education and all, but. It’s also something that hits really close and personal for me and, as someone who can be anxious for days straight over opening entirely innocuous tumblr messages... I just DK I could do it, atm;;;;; Someday I will though, I hope!!! (Tho I will say that I’m totally for all neurodivergent Ham HCs and that honestly my Classic Ham is also influenced by BD and BPD things so I’m p flexible about it.) (Actually I guess I CAN say that my HCs for Ham all involve disorders with extreme moods and mood swings and stuff and ADHD in its lesser known symptoms can absolutely include that, esp with Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria, so yeah. That’s basically the large part of my reason for that headcanon right there lol.)

4. What's your favorite line of dialogue? 

HM OH MAN, I’m not sure!!! Lemme skim it again real quick.

In terms of sheer characterisation efficiency, I always liked the idea of Henry Laurens’ introductory sentence being to complain about John not calling often enough. It’s just such a perfect combination of a) genuinely cares about his son and wants to hear from him, and b) is an asshole who has no idea whatsoever of the pressure he’s putting on his son without offering any concurrent praise or reassurance. 

...so yeah I think I’ll leave it at that actually, since this thing is long enough already lol.

5. What part was hardest to write?

I was sitting here trying hard to remember if I really had trouble writing any part of the draft because there was one bit where I stalled briefly but it wasn’t really that bad and I couldn’t even really remember it and apart from that it was super smooth...until I remembered that editing counts as writing. And hoo fucking boy.

I was lucky enough to be able to have my fic beta-ed by Philly! Which I’m super grateful for and the fic is undoubtedly better for it! But it was a really difficult process for me because of my anxiety. And I needed to do it rather quickly, because of course I had to have it finished before Christmas, and my family actually was going away for Christmas where we wouldn’t have internet access.

So I get through almost all of the fic. It’s finally almost done. And then right at the end there’s a bit where Alex and John quickly exchange gifts on Christmas morning. Super short scene. And Philly pointed out that, actually, wouldn’t the rest of the family be taken-aback at them exchanging gifts without them?

And I kind of read that and sat back and. that was right. That was 100% correct. So like. What do I do??? Do I involve the other characters? But the original scene was like, three lines. and I don’t wanna have to write a whole new scene lmao. Do I take it out? But in a earlier scene, I’d had John express a worry that the present he’d gotten for Alex was awful and he really regretted it, and I kinda liked that in this final scene we see that actually he’d just forgotten WHY he’d bought it (he’d remembered Alex saying something about it), and I thought that was a nice thing about how anxiety can really fuck with even your memory and stuff bc in the end there genuinely was no reason to worry. It wasn’t necessary to the fic, but it only came about in the writing - I’m pretty sure the outline was just like ‘and then they exchange gifts or somethign??? IDK’ - and I didn’t want to get rid of it again. But then how do I justify them exchanging gifts alone??? 

And so that’s how I ended up just sitting there mournfully or pacing back and forth like p LEASE just SAVE ME, just GIVE ME AN OPTION, I have a HOLIDAY TO PACK FOR and THINGS TO DO and I just want this damn fic to be EDITED and DONE ALREADY. I came up with soo many possibilities, none of which satisfied me,lmao. and eventually after wayyyyyy too long of trying to figure it out I settled on something that seemed mostly plausible and then just. wrote it in and skimmed the rest of the fic and posted it lmao.

Which, honestly, is pretty typical proceedings. I tend to have the general ideas come pretty easily to me, and the actual writing is normally pretty smooth - it’s usually the editing where I start rocking back and forth and cursing myself for ever trying to write :’) (Luckily, at that point I’m close enough to the end that I can usually force it through...!!)