#some of y'all are even gender swapping and changing his voice

[thechaoticdruid]

When people mod Astarion to the point he doesn't even look like Astarion anymore.

Me:

[im-like-if-a-girl]

*THE* mean-girl-dean-girl's Supernatural reboot MEGAPOST!

I'm gonna stick a little "keeping reading" here because hoooooo boy, this is a very long post.

Let's start with

Plot

Season 1

Dean kills John while they are out on a hunt in a crime of passion, but Dean doesn't remember because he blacked out. Cue Dean going to Stanford to get Sam and tell him "Dad's on a hunting trip... and he hasn't been home in a couple days."

The audience doesn't know what happened to John, but slowly figures it out with Dean and Sam as Dean slowly remembers what happened that night.

The entire first season, the boys are following the trail John left and fighting monsters as well. They find out Dean was with John, Sam realizes Dean has an unreliable memory, they have heart to hearts about their childhood and the fire, they find John's body, "how could you kill Dad?" but maybe Dean didn't kill dad, whooaaaaaa, misdirection.

It was actually good ole yeller eyes (Azazel) and he made it look like Dean killed John.

Okay, now let's move on to the first episode

Not sure how the opening would work, I would like the story of the fire to be revealed over the course of the first season, but maybe the opening scene could be a little bit of an establishing character relationships and backstory, idk, I haven't thought that far yet.

I'm thinking maybe it's like, Dean gets back to a motel room covered in blood and he listens to a voicemail on his phone from John saying he was on a hunt or something, I don't really know lol.

HOWEVER

I do know that after the intro rolls, we get a scene of Sam waking up to his alarm and "Nine to Five" by Dolly Parton starts playing.

Y'all know where this is going.

Cue a montage of Sam's normal Stanford college life (him sitting through lectures, walking through the campus with friends) spliced with scenes of Dean absolutely slaughtering a nest of vampires (or some other monsters, whatever works best.)

But

Now onto

Characters!!! (And descriptions)

Dean Winchester

Some lovely person on this site made edits of Dean with platinum blond hair and it made me feel some kind of way so we're doing that, homie's gonna have platinum blond hair

Side note about the hair, later when the brothers are running from the FBI he dyes it a dirty blond/light brown (insert jackles hair color controversy here) as a disguise.

He also gets tattoos because we were robbed.

Speaking of tattoos, concept: when Dean comes back from Hell, all of his tattoos are gone. His body is a clean slate, devoid of tattoos, scars, etc. So he gets his tattoos done all over again, which he doesn't mind because he made some bad, drunk tattoo decisions in his youth.

(And before you ask, yes, he does get one for Cas, either a bee or Cas's name in enochian, something cute.)

Dean goes to therapy after Sam gets sent to the Cage.

It's actually court mandated because he got in trouble, lol, he would never go to therapy on his own.

Along with the hair, Dean gets to be the grade A twunk we all know he is.

Sam Winchester

His hair gets longer in every scene he's in

No jk, but imagine

King of Microaggressions

Sam starts off like the sweetheart he is in season 1 but in later seasons he starts enjoying killing a little too much...

It's that demon blood, ba-by!!!

He brings up issues of morality to Dean, i.e. killing monsters who aren't hurting anyone. (Yes I know this is contradictory to my previous statement, but these two facets of Sam can and will coexist.)

Sam and Jess's relationship is explored further, meaning we'll need to start with a different inciting incident, but that's fine, I think everyone can agree fridgings are *(thumbs down)*

Sam doesn't truly know what happened the night of the fire until later, and then he understands why Dean is so protective of him.

Jess

She gets to live beyond the first episode

She is also trans

No, I don't feel like I have to explain myself and I won't 💜

She urges Sam to join Dean in a search for their brother, kind of gets pulled into the hunter lifestyle by association lol.

She dies on a rusty nail after fighting vampires on a routine hunt with Sam

No jk!!!

But imagine....

She's amazing and I love her and Lucifer also uses her as leverage against Sam and possesses her because I think that'd be cool.

She supports Sam 100% and also she and Dean are buddies, pals if you will.

She meets Cas Thee El and immediately she Knows, that is a homosexual.

She dies still so that we can have a Saileen Endgame but she's not dying the first episode or in a fridging. Not on my watch.

Castiel

He gets to keep his raw, light-fixture-exploding power.

I want more of that "I pulled you out of hell, I can throw you back in" energy except over dumb shit like Dean not cleaning up after himself.

He looks like a Dilf in every scene he's in, yeah, that's right, dilf with a capital D for *(GUNSHOTS)* *(gets sent to horny jail)*

Claire

She gets pink hair

And more time with Cas

And maybe a nose piercing

Feel like she should be able to kill a couple angels onscreen, punch a couple homophobes

She gets to meet Jack and teaches him swears and fun slang words.

She deserves it.

Jack

I says "that's my baby and I'm proud."

Jack starts off as a baby, but like Amara he grows up super quickly.

Like, baby to 11 year old in a couple days or less.

This is because Jack's emotional age on the show is on par with that of a 5th grader.

It's at this point when he's a young kid that he runs away from the Bunker and shenanigans ensue.

It's also at this point that Dean threatens to k*ll him.

(Still not sure if I want that in my Supernatural (threatened infanticide? In my Supernatural? It's more likely than you think) but we'll see. We'll see.)

Throughout a majority of season 13, Jack is like an 11 y.o. kid

Season 14 he's like a 16 y.o. teenager

Season 15 he's 21, you get the picture.

Listen, I love Alex Calvert a lot. He's great.

But Jack is a child and should be a child.

Kelly Kline

Kelly, baby, stay right where you are, you're perfect.

Eileen

SHE DOESN'T DIE

SHE GETS TO BE IN THE FINALE BECAUSE SHE'S AMAZING AND I LOVE HER.

BLURRY WIFE WHO? I ONLY KNOW SAILEEN ENDGAME!

She teaches Claire and Jack swears in sign-language. Castiel is not impressed.

John

J*hn W*nchester stans, DNI.

He's dead.

We only see him in flashbacks and only sometimes hear his voice in voice overs.

He's not "down the road" from Dean in Heaven, in fact he instead gets to wander around in some Purgatory like Hell for the rest of his time :)

People who get to say "fuck" on the show:

Cas (but only Once)

Jody

Bobby

Now onto other things

I want more of

Ghostfacers

(they need more screentime because I love them)

Dean/Benny

We know they had a thing.

They definitely had a thing.

Demon Dean

Again, I feel like more should've been done with this. All that build up for what, 2 episodes? was not utilized well at all.

Dean's Bisexuality

Straight Dean truthers DNI, my Supernatural is a show about love and being true to yourself

You think Supernatural is a show about 2 straight brothers fighting monsters?

Naw bitch, this is a show about the Gay Experience

He will get to have relations with men on this show.

Of course, only after John dies does he, y'know, display it. Maybe he kisses Cas on his dad's grave just to fuck John over, make him roll in grave.

We all agree John would be/is a homophobe piece of shit, right?

Okay, glad we're on the same page.

Dads

3 men and a baby with Jack is what I'm saying.

I love it when the Trio are father-figures to younger troubled characters they see themselves in, even better if it's like reluctant-but-loving father figure, oh, that trope gets me every time :'^)

Dadstiel and DadDean are my favorites, but I like it when Sam plays "Uncle Sam" to kids too lol.

"Fellas, is it gay to want a tight knit family with your husband, his son, his vessel's daughter, your brother, his wife, your cop mother figure and her wife and their adopted daughters? Asking for a friend."

Garth

Biggest flaw of Supernatural was underutilizing Garth.

I will never not be bitter that Garth was only in like, 7 episodes out of the whole 15 season series.

Every episode with Garth gets immediately 5 times better.

I love Garth.

Follow ups on characters who had entire episodes featured around them and then just... vanished???

This is mostly about Jesse, the magic kid whose imagination ruled an entire town like, his daddy was a demon and nothing came of that kid??? Only one episode about him?? No follow up???

KID CAN MANIPULATE REALITY AND WE'RE NOT GONNA GET A FOLLOW UP ON THAT?????

Uh, there was that one episode with Ennis the guy whose girlfriend was killed by a monster? I think?? Who we never see again, that was weird.

Tamara from season 3, episode 1.

And of course-

Cassie

She was so cool, and then we never saw her again :////

She gets to be a badass.

Religious imagery

As a former Catholic school student who has become for the most part, disillusioned with religion, religious imagery in TV shows like Supernatural make my brain go "brrrrrr."

Fun episodes!!!

Like, after season 6 or so, there's a drop in funny episodes

I'm talking Changing Channels, The French Mistake type stuff. (Scoobynatural is an outlier and should not be counted.)

So anyway

In my version we would have more fun episodes

I'm thinking

GENDER-SWAP EPISODE, BABY!!

(why they didn't do that in the original, we'll never know.)

An episode where Dean gets to wear eyeliner

That's it, end of post.

I want less

Racism

Yeah I feel like this is self explanatory, nearly every reoccurring character in SPN is white, and black side characters normally die in the episode they first appear in, or they'll be featured as a villain (Uriel, Raphael, Billie, etc)

Also there's a lot of... uh... asian fetishism featured in the show (what with "Busty Asian Beauties) that's really gross, also Kevin was a bit of a stereotype...

Also also it's super yucky how they kill the gods from other religions like???? Uh??? That's super disrespectful, let's not do that????

I know Supernatural is like, inherently racist because monsters are a separate race that are seen as some dangerous "other" that must be eradicated by hunters in a form of genocide-

Okay we won't get into that but

Still

Stop killing all your POC

Fridgings/Unecessary murders of female characters

I know Supernatural starts with a fridging, so this will be a hard thing to remedy, but

One death that really pissed me off was the death of Charlie

Yeah, that was pointless and we're not doing that. Charlie gets to live and be an awesome aunt to Jack.

And also Claire

Charlie Bradbury Superiority

Charlie and Garth get to meet because they're nerd/geek solidarity.

British Men of Letters

I fucking hate these guys

They're "litcherally" the worst.

The worst part is that the actors they have playing the British AREN'T. EVEN. BRITISH.

And you can tell

Uh, and that's all for now, I'll add more later.

tag list for people who liked my "if this post gets one like I'll post my SPN reboot masterpost" post.

@darianyunidi @sarasidlesaid @crazybananaalpaca @playfulpanthress @ultfreakme @fififeelsmellow @heller-char @luna8eaton @princessmeganfire @insanebot109 @queenofnightsnow @mongoose-underthehouse

Thank you for the support, hope the wait was worth it.

[praphit]

Praphit luv da kidz!

I was all set with my "The First Purge" review. But, as I was about to post it, it was as if I could hear y'all saying "Dammit, John Praphit - it's always monsters, super villains, demons, ghosts, and senseless violence with you. Could you PLEASE, for the love of all that's holy, recommend a movie that's wholesome, good, and family-friendly for a change? You're scaring my family! My spouse and I keep having nightmares! Little Suzie keeps slapping people and dropping F-Bombs. And little Timmy won't come out of the closet. Dag on you, Praphit! You rat bastard! Just one clean movie!"

While I don't appreciate the name calling, I do understand. That's why this post is all about kids. Granted, I personally believe that "The First Purge" (grade B movie btw) is for the kids, I can see why some might object. (Side note: It's def not a movie for you if you're a Trump supporter or lover of Fox News... or one of those people who believe that racism is made up - this movie is not subtle about its points :)

Let's review a handful of family movies that maybe you haven't seen yet, and a few that we're waiting to see. 　

#1 - The Incredibles 2

(Ha! I just noticed that raccoon in the pic)

This long-awaited movie has got something for the whole family! For the kids - It's got plenty of talking back to parents... though I guess thats not a good thing. I kept waiting for Mr. Incredible (the dad) to force feed the kids their veggies, and for Elastigirl (the mom) to slap each child from across the room, but I guess that could end up in a child abuse direction that you wholesome families out there might disapprove of...

Think about it -

Mom and Dad: "YOU WILL DO WHAT WE SAY! NO BACK TALK!"

Kids: "We're going to call the cops on you!"

Mom and Dad: "Do it! See what happens to them! We're (bleepin) super powered! And if they DO manage to lock us up, you had better pray we don't get out!"

... but I guess that's kinda dark, so I'll move on. 　

Something for the women -

Gender role reversal up in here! Mom is out there making the bacon, while dad is staying home to take care of the kids. It's cool, but it's been done. In this super-powered world, imagine if they had men with the power to have kids and man-boob-feed.... though I guess y'all out there wanting me to recommend a wholesome movie don't want to imagine that. I got it; I'll stay focused.

Something for the men -

(Well, I'll stay focused after this:) - cuz...

I mean damn... I'm sorry, but it's not just me. Ask any dude honestly about this movie, and he'll mention it. The makers of this movie knew what they were doing. This is marketing:) Grade: A (for ass... I mean butt... fanny?).

Sorry... Focused NOW! 　

Sherlock Gnomes:

I've always hated gnomes, personally. Why you ask? Look at these pics!

They always look so perverted to me. Like they're always... well, I won't say, cuz again I'm being wholesome for the kids in this post, but... y'all know... just look at this one.

You might say "John Praphit, you're being prejudice." Yeah? You know who these gnomes' faces remind me of? -

[Harvey Weinstein]

That's right! Maybe someone, early on, should have been MORE prejudice against such faces.

Anyway, a crime of perversion has been committed! And Sherlock is out to prove that though most acts of perversion in this animated movie universe are carried out by gnomes, this one particular act was not! - so instead of 100 proven crimes by gnomes so far, Sherlock wants the record to be at 99; good for him. I don't like how they're trying to get our kids to like gnomes! They're the absolute worst! - I'm learning a lot about my deep hatred for these creatures as I type this out... perhaps that's something I should look into at some point... but for now, I'm giving this movie an F.

Wait, isn't Johnny Depp voicing Sherlock Gnomes? - *heavy sigh* Make that a grade Double F. 　

SHOW DOGS!

Ok, so I'm not going to sugar coat this one - this movie has a scene of dog... fondling in here, as well as borderline beastiality. I'm not exagerating. Look it up for yourself! There was actually a big controversy concerning this movie that forced the producers to cut certain scenes out.

See, at least "The First Purge" doesn't have any of that stuff in it! Maybe you'll reconsider taking the fam to go see that movie instead of this nasty one. BUT, everybody likes talking animals, right?? Somehow the fact that the fondled dogs can talk, makes it worse... sorry, I'm supposed to be focused on the wholesome.

I guess, if your family is into humans trying to get it on with dogs, then... this is the movie for you. Maybe your fam has got a lil bit of gnome in ya, if you know what I mean. Grade: F 　

Oooooh but here's one "Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation" -

this one isn't out yet, but the last two were such a success, it can't fail right?? Granted, when I think about monsters going to the beach

- it never ends well. 　

And thinking about a vamp going to a BEACH leads me to the best case scenario of this

but maybe I'm wrong and it'll be fun!

Plus, this is an Adam Sandler flick! We know that his humor is all for the kids! So, we'll assume I'm wrong and give this a pregrade of B- 　

Lastly, let's talk "Chrisopher Robin" -

Y'all know about Pooh Bear! - and his human friend. 

Loveable as can be!

In this movie (coming out soon), we have a grown ass man (CR) talking to stuffed animals. I LOVED Winnie the Pooh when I was coming up as a kid, like everyone else... though I never liked "Tigger"

- mainly because his name rhymes with "trigger" and more importantly it rhymes with... well, nevermind.

I also thought Tigger's character would have/should have eventually ripped those of characters to shreds; being he's a frickin tiger afterall... but that's just how my mind was working when I was a kid. Even if that DID happen in this one, at least it would be cotton coming out of these beloved characters instead of blood and organs. 　

Did I go dark again?

I went dark again, didn't I? Sorry.

I'm sure this movie about a crazy middle aged man hearing voices and relating these voices to childhood stuffed animals will be a fun adventure for the fam! PreGrade: B+! 　

There you have it! Perfect flicks for a fam of wholesomeness!

Praphit luv da kidz!

I STILL believe that "The First Purge" is better for your kids than these films: No thought-provoking gender role swaps, no husbands fantasizing over animated booty, no cartoon fictional monster problems, or stuffed animal problems... just real and raw issues of this messed up world we live in that could look a lil like the purge, if we don't wake up... just preparing young minds, but... I get it... too much for a lovely night with the fam.

We'd all much rather be watching Will Arnett do his thang in "Show Dogs"!

Ahhhh, now that's good, clean entertainment.