#some day I'm going to make vera do horoscopes for the rest of the towns around

[garden-ghoul]

Evil City & Birchbrake ward horoscopes, for consolidation. I can post anything I want and nobody can stop me.

Ward horoscopes are like what if instead of when you were born, your horoscope was based on where you were born (it’s just stereotypes of different parts of the city). Spiff put me onto this by making incredibly good NYC boroughscopes on twitter. I’ve been assigned Brooklyn kin: “not dead just tired and ugly!!, found wet sweater under dumpster, bodega cat who files taxes under a stolen identity, would fuck Manhattan but doesn't want anyone to know it, rat clenched fist of rage, archenemy is them from five minutes ago, bootleg dollar store toys.” It’s like being assigned Orion kin. What an honor!

Okay here we go. For reference: a map showing the wards of Evil City. I’ve left in the lighthouses just for fun.

North Ward - Hot evil moustache-twirling industrialist with another house in the country. Goes jogging in artistically revealing workout clothes. Doesn't even SHOP at Bads Barge.

South Ward - Super rich but no country house. Thinks they're really genuine. “My family has lived in this tiny townhouse for 5 generations.” Bought out a family-owned bodega and only remodeled it a tiny bit, which basically makes them a hero.  Really up in arms about Bads Barge.

Port Ward - Can give an impromptu history tour of the Port Ward. Gets overexcited about lighthouses. WILL see a half-eaten sandwich in a trash can and snatch it. Goes out to eat once a year and spends an entire week deciding what restaurant to go to.

West Ward - Really good cook and has to go to 5 different stores because This one has the really fresh mint but This one has the only labneh worth eating. Throws amazing parties but always gets into fights at them. Makeup immaculate at all times. Can win a staring contest with a seagull over a bag of chips.

River Ward - Never shuts up about how the island doesn't have subway service. Can recite their family tree for 8 generations and has a baseball signed by the entire membership of the Billies. Only owns t-shirts with holes in them. Goes out to eat three times a week.

Kill Neck Ward -  Furious 24/7 and shouts everything they say. Speaks a secret language consisting mostly of memes from TV ads. All their clothing is 10 years out of style. Seems to hate all their family but will kill you if you say something rude.

Oxbow Ward - If you suffer from mesothelioma you are NOT entitled to compensation. Passed through tiredness and now lives where mortals cannot tread. Saves up a year’s worth of energy to have a riot at a folk concert because music is the only thing they come out of the grave for.

Hell’s Gate Ward - normally very quiet and polite and then you hear they committed a murder. Fashionable in a grunge sort of way. "What have amateur photographers ever done to you?” "I’m from Hell’s Gate." Will corner you and tell you about their asphalt special interest.

Ninth Ward - Will give rides to a complete stranger an hour out of their way. Attends ALL public transit committee meetings and hearings and would take a bullet for the 10th Crossing ferryman. Eats the BLANDEST fucking food. Plays heartbreaking folk guitar.

Longwood Ward - Insists that they are “upper middle class.” Exclusively eats at restaurants that used to be a mill. Very cool taste in fashion, patron of the local arts. Has never spoken to an artist. Keeps loose tacos in their pockets.

Ends Ward - Needs to take a walk in the nearest forest even if it’s three miles away. Goes out to eat every week but always at the same restaurant their brother-in-law runs. Nobody knows what their job is or how they get money. Gives exactly a quarter to every panhandler they pass.

And Birchbrake! I suspect there may actually be a sixth ward in southern Birchbrake but it isn’t on this map and so I do not know about it. I described Birchbrake as the Worcester to Evil City’s Boston but nobody on twitter got it because they’re all from the greater Newark metro area and know nothing about anywhere else.

Fisher’s Ward - Owns at least one boat. Cannot do anything with their hands if they're not also gossipping. Can yell a conversation over 4 lanes of traffic. Will invite someone over for dinner having known them for ten minutes. Sauce maniac.

Crucible Ward - SO fucking cool. Knows how to blow flawless distillation glassware and can jerryrig an invention for almost anything, but cannot read. Always has a helpful suggestion. Extremely tired.

Iron Ward - Eats like a horse. Has been in a restaurant twice in their life and feels weird about the concept of fast food. Will yell WHAT? three times and then answer while you’re repeating it. If you ask them to do something impossible they’ll just shrug and do it.

Far Hill Ward - Will walk out of a conversation halfway through. Very cool, but too annoying to actually be considered cool. Gets into contests all the time because they’ve got something to prove. Weirdly well-dressed.

Gateway Ward - Eternally and constantly irate about how overrated Evil City is. WILL riot over baseball. Plans receptions for 20 people that take up an entire room of a large restaurant, but won't call ahead. Does NOT know they have clinical depression.