#soman don't be a coward just let hestadil kiss<3

[cursesthemusical]

hestadil fic

ok so I posted about a hestadil fic I wrote earlier and I figured I’d just share it here, bc why not? It’s called coward, set during AWWP right after the trial, and it’s about 3.5k words so, not too long? anyway yeah hope you like it :) oH and if you wanna read it on ao3 instead, the link’s in my. . . profile? past posts? idk what to call them

(and yes this is mostly because I want to put off doing geometry homework shh)

“A-Anadil-”

“Shh, shh,” Anadil whispers to Hester, trying to disguise the fear in her voice. Hester’s whole face is bloodied and her leg is bent the wrong way and her usually piercing eyes look so tired and who even is this girl under Anadil’s arm, because Hester is always so strong? What has the world come to if Hester looks like this? It’s up to Anadil to take care of her friend, and that scares her, because she’s always been a sidekick. She’s never had to lead. But right now, she tells herself sharply, she has to be here for Hester and not be scared even though she is so freaking scared. 

She looks up and sees Lady Lesso running towards them, black hair flowing in a rare ponytail. Anadil’s heart stops again because everything’s so, so wrong. Their dean is always perfectly poised, not a single hair out of her braid, purple dress immaculate. Now she looks a mess, even more than Sophie on that first day of school. Her dress is dirty and her cheeks are blotchy, and the dean’s fear only seems to worsen when she sees the state Hester’s in. 

“Anadil, what happened?” Lady Lesso demands. 

“A-Aric - his princes -” she stammers. Truthfully, she didn’t see everything that happened. All she knows is that they were fighting the princes, the Coven as one, and then Hester fell and Anadil reached for her friend’s flag, her mind and body screaming in pain, and dropped it, but not before seeing that Hester was almost dead.

No, is.  Is almost dead. 

Lady Lesso’s face pales. “Aric. . .” She hesitates for a second, but then shakes her head, dispelling some image from her mind. All of a sudden, there’s another flash and Dot appears in the field, looking shocked but with no injuries except a minor gash across one arm. 

“Hester!” Dot cries, rushing to her friend. Hester only manages a weak gasp in response, and Dot’s face pales. “What do we do?” she asks, turning to Lady Lesso, tears in her large eyes. She grabs a clump of grass from the ground and twists it in her hands viciously, then shoots a blast of brown magic at it and turns it to chocolate. Anadil doesn’t even think she knows she’s doing it.

Lady Lesso is silent for a moment, looking out over the Blue Forest. “Things are happening tonight, girls. Things I never thought would happen. A lot’s going to be different after tonight.” She pauses, and when she starts talking again, her voice is hard. “Anadil, are you injured?” Anadil shakes her head mutely. “Good. Dot, since you were the last one out of you three, I want you to stay here and tell me absolutely everything you remember. Anadil, bring Hester to the medical ward and stay with her at least until she’s under. We all could use a friend right now.”

Anadil and Dot nod resolutely, both determined to help with whatever they can. “Off with you,” Lady Lesso says to Anadil, the dean’s purple fingerglow lighting. She waves it, muttering something under her breath, and then Hester’s floating up in the air, surrounded in a purple glow. “She’s Bonded to you, Anadil - until the spell breaks, she’ll float after you when you walk. Now, go. She’s not in a good state.”

Scared, Anadil nods and starts walking. True to  Lady Lesso’s words, Hester’s body follows her, and so do her rats, who are whimpering. One jumps up onto Hester’s prone form, and Anadil’s about to command it to get off when she sees Hester’s face relax a bit at the sensation of the pale grey fur brushing the witch’s cheek. She bites her lip and continues on, faster. Once she’s in the School, Dean Dovey meets her and ushers her into the hospital wing, not even bothering to look at Hester. There’s no time to waste.

Once Anadil, Hester, the rats, and the Dean are all in the hospital wing, Dean Dovey closes her eyes and pale blue magic surrounds Hester, taking her out of Anadil’s aura and on to a bed. A nymph rushes over and starts washing strips of gauze as Anadil watches, not able to tear her eyes away from Hester.

“Er. . . Anadil? Do you want to go back to your dorm, or outside, perhaps?” Dean Dovey asks her in a soft voice so as not to disturb the nymph.

“No.” Anadil’s voice may come out harsher than intended, but Hester is almost dead.

Her best friend is almost dead. 

She thinks she can be as harsh as she wants.

“All right,” the Dean says. Anadil’s surprised she doesn’t press further, but she lets it alone and sinks into a chair, her rats crowding on to her lap. The four pairs of red eyes are all focused on the girl in the bed, black and red hair spilling out over the pillow. Hester looks more vulnerable than Anadil’s ever seen her, face covered with gashes and a pained frown twisting her features. 

The nymph takes a second to look at Anadil, asking a silent question - are you hurt? One of Aric’s blasted princes got Anadil’s own leg, but it didn’t reach any major arteries or veins and really, it barely hurts. And of course, Anadil’s had worse. 

Unconsciously, she strokes a raised scar on her arm, where a Bloodbrook boy cut her with a knife after she told everyone she liked girls and only girls. She’d had to get stitches, and it still twinges painfully now and then. She doesn't understand why people don’t like girls loving girls and boys loving boys. Even though she’s a witch, she’ll never hate people for loving. She knows what it’s like to love.

She tucks a lock of white hair over her shoulder and leans back against the chair. If she’s going to stay - which, of course she is, Hester’s her best friend in the world - she’ll need to be comfortable. Slowly, her eyes drift closed, and she falls into a restless sleep, dreaming of blood and savage purple eyes and shadowy trees rising all around her and Hester.

About an hour later, she wakes up, jolting out of a nightmare by a faint voice calling her name. She takes a deep breath, holding her rats close, then searches for the source of the voice.

“A-ani?” 

Only one person calls her Ani.

She hurries to drag her chair closer to Hester’s bed and puts her pale hand over Hester’s. “You’re awake!” she says, tears threatening to spill over. Why is she crying?  She wasn’t crying before.

“Ani,” Hester says again, then coughs, blood staining her lips as she does. Anadil looks around the room frantically, but the nymph is gone. She presses a tissue to Hester’s mouth, hoping against hope that Hester will be okay. 

She doesn’t know what she’ll do if Hester’s not okay.

She doesn’t know how she’ll live if Hester’s not right there beside her.

Hester coughs again into the tissue, and Anadil’s relieved to see that there isn’t as much blood this time. Maybe Hester will be absolutely fine, maybe she’ll be out of the hospital by tonight and they’ll be back to planning pranks and they’ll think of a new mean nickname for Sophie tomorrow morning, knees and shoulders pressed together, Dot hovering over them and force feeding them chocolate (however much Hester gripes about how villains shouldn’t eat candy, Anadil knows she loves white chocolate. Anadil knows everything about Hester.). Maybe at lunch they’ll be back to practicing light curses on each other while they eat gruel and complain about how annoying having school with the Evers is. Maybe everything will be back to normal, and Anadil will never have to tell Hester how much she likes her, because Hester will be alive for a long time and there’ll be no chance of Hester dying without knowing how Anadil really feels.

How does Anadil really feel towards Hester?

She knows. She’s known since first year.

But she can’t say it. Not even to herself. Evil’s supposed to be strong, fearless, outspoken, and here she is, not able to say three simple words. How cowardly.

She wants to run and not look back, run out of the school, to Bloodbrook even though she hates Bloodbrook with all her heart. To her mother who’s still looking for a fairytale of her own. To the memories of her grandmother, the Witch she wanted to be. To a château full of lost hope and sadness and evil. To a life not worth living. And away from Hester, the girl who Anadil would die for, the girl who Anadil cares about more deeply than she’s ever cared for anything in her whole life. Away from the confusion and the blood still dripping down Hester’s leg. Away from her feelings.

How fucking cowardly.

A hitched sob claws out of her throat and now she’s crying again and villains shouldn’t cry but she can’t stop the tears from spilling down her thin face and down onto her trial uniform, soaking into the blue silk fabric. Hester looks shocked at first, then folds her other hand over Anadil’s. “Ani,” she says, and her voice comes out stronger, and the tears clear out enough for Anadil to see Hester’s face, her dark eyes wide and filled with love.

Not love. Hester doesn’t love Anadil in the way Anadil loves Hester. That at least, she’s sure about. 

“Sleep,”  Hester whispers, and Anadil can’t even find the strength to choke out that Hester’s the one who’s hurt, Hester’s the one who needs to sleep. Instead she leans back in her chair and closes her eyes, acutely aware of the fact that Hester’s watching her. Finally, it feels like someone cares for her. 

~

When she wakes again, her rats have burrowed into her trial uniform, her hair covering them like a blanket. The nymph is in the room now too, busily wetting fresh bandages. She looks over and gives Anadil one of her nymph smiles, a bit mysterious and otherworldly but still a smile. Hester’s awake and propped up on her arms in her bed, staring off into space. Their hands are still folded together, and Anadil feels faint when she looks at the bed. She looks away, trying not to think about how Hester’s finger is absentmindedly stroking Anadil’s palm.

“Oh, you’re awake,” Hester says, sounding cheery, and Anadil’s forced to look back. “You know, the gash in my leg isn’t bleeding anymore. Bet Aric’s mad. We’re gonna have to get revenge on him, you know.” She doesn’t mention Anadil crying - last night, she thinks it was - and Anadil says a silent thank you. One of her rats jumps onto Hester’s bed and cuddles into Hester’s side, then peers at Anadil as if to say tell her. “Shut up,” Anadil whispers to the rat.

“What?” Hester asks.

“Um. Nothing,” Anadil says, giving a last glare to the rat. “What were you saying?”

“Revenge.” Hester’s eyes get that evil gleam Anadil knows so well. “On Aric. He did almost kill me. We should almost kill him in return.” 

Anadil tries not to think about the “we”. “How?” 

“I don’t know. Sophie could probably think of something. Scream at him?” They both laugh, although the mood is subdued. Hester did almost die.

The door slams open, and both of them turn to see Dot nibbling on some chocolate and staring at them. “Hester, how are you?” she says, moving closer.

“Not dead anymore,” Hester says. Anadil can’t tell if it’s a joke or not. Neither can Dot, apparently, because she frowns.

“Well, er, that’s good,” Dot says, but Dot can never stay sad for long (not unless she’s thinking about her father) and she quickly brightens, pulling something round and brown from behind her back. “I got you a get well present,” she says cheerfully. “I saw a doorknob on the way here and unscrewed it and now it’s chocolate. And I did a Solidify spell on it so it wouldn’t melt.” She presents the doorknob to Hester, who takes a bite.

“Really good,” Hester tells Dot, who grins. Anadil’s just about to ask whether it was the only doorknob on the door when they hear a shout from far off in the Evil castle.

“Who locked me in this merlinforsaken closet?!” A volley of curses follows it. It sounds like Beezle. The three witches look at the door to the medical room then at each other, then burst out laughing. This time it’s real laughter.

Dot takes a chair and drags it next to Anadil’s, and they sit (or lie) in silence for a while after the last giggles stop. Anadil glances at Hester occasionally, who’s toying with a loose thread on her blankets. She’s still kicking herself for being such a coward. She’s missed her chance to tell Hester how she feels. How she shouldn’t feel. She’s a witch. Hasn’t her grandmother told her hundreds of times that witches don’t love? Hasn’t that been drilled into them from the very beginning of School? The Good love. The Evil hate.

Even when the boundaries between Good and Evil are changed into Girls and Boys, she’s still a witch. And witches don’t love.

But Anadil does.

What does that mean?

Probably that she’s going to be expelled if anyone finds out. 

So it was good that she didn’t say anything.

Maybe if she thinks that enough it’ll be true.

She sighs, slumping in her chair. One of her rats climbs into her hand and she strokes its fur absentmindedly. Dot and Hester have struck up a conversation about whether Hester’s demon likes chocolate, so Anadil’s lost to her thoughts. She remembers her mother, giving her three rats when she was two. In hindsight, she was probably supposed to kill them, establishing herself early as a witch. Evil parenting strategies. . . definitely aren’t the kindest, though they can be effective. 

She doesn’t know who her father is. Actually, she’s not sure if she has one. She looks almost like a carbon copy of her mother, and there are some ways of having a child by magic in the Woods. And of course, Evil doesn’t love. 

She tries not to look at Hester.

A few hours later, Lady Lesso pushes open the door, looking even worse than she did two days ago. When she sees them, her eyes widen. “You three. . . you don’t know. . .”

“Know what?” Hester asks, her demon flying shaky circles around her head. 

“On the night of the Trial. . . I’ll spare you the details. But Agatha and Tedros are gone, back to Gavaldon, Dean Sader is presumed dead, and Sophie kissed the School Master.” Lady Lesso puts a hand to her head, looking up at the ceiling as if to say can’t we just have one normal year at this school? She looks back at the coven. “Don’t trouble yourselves with it just yet, though, all right? We’ll deal with this when we come to it. Hester, are you feeling alright?”

“B-better,” Hester stammers, looking shocked by the slew of information.

“Good.” Lady Lesso gives them a weak smile and casts a purple spell at Hester. “I just came in to do this healing spell. I’m only sorry I didn’t do it earlier. It won’t completely heal you, but it’ll speed it up by quite a bit.”

Hester nods stiffly, still processing, but still the leader and Lady Lesso laughs, a rare thing for their dean. “I’m sorry. Please don’t worry about anything just yet. Everything will be alright.” Nobody believes that, but they all nod in unison and Lady Lesso turns, pushing the door open and walking out. Hester, Anadil, and Dot look at each other.

“So,” Dot says, her voice shaking. With laughter or fear, Anadil can’t tell. “That. . . happened. I guess.”

Anadil nods, feeling the way Dot’s voice sounded. “She said not to worry about it.” 

Hester smiles. “So we won’t. Not yet, at least. Let’s just, you know, do what we always do. At least while I’m still in the hospital.” Her demon makes a sound that’s kind of like a laugh and settles back into Hester’s neck, melting into its tattoo form. Anadil stares at it. Two years, and she still can’t get over how cool it is. How cool Hester is.

At night, Dot leaves, promising to bring back more chocolate in the morning. She winks at Anadil, and the white haired witch gives her a glare in return, remembering how she and Dot told each other their biggest secrets in one particularly late night in their first year, when Hester was in the library researching love potions with Sophie. Anadil hadn’t told her friend exactly what she felt - she didn’t even know exactly what she felt at that time - but she had rhapsodized about Hester’s hair for a while and Dot had put it together even faster than she did. Anadil was pretty sure Dot wasn’t leaving because she had a project to finish.

“Ani?” Hester said sleepily around eleven o’clock. 

“Yes?”

“Can you come here?” Anadil moves her chair closer to Hester’s bed, heart thundering. They’re close enough now that if Anadil were to lean down just a few inches, her hair would touch Hester’s face. “Are you okay?”

Hester shuts her eyes tightly, then reopens them and looks up at Anadil, a rare soft smile curving her lips. “Yeah. Just. . .” She scrunches her nose, and Anadil has to admit, it looks adorable. “I need you, Ani. I hate that I need you, but I do.”

“I need you too.” Anadil’s voice comes out too quiet, but Hester hears. She always hears, even when no one else does. Even when Anadil’s mother or grandmother doesn’t hear her, Hester does. And Hester listens. 

She’s really in this deep, isn’t she.

“You don’t understand.” Hester looks down at her sheets, the clean white stained with drops of red. “I need you, Anadil. In a way that I’m not supposed to need anyone.”

If Hester’s saying what Anadil thinks she’s saying, this is the most wonderful moment of Anadil’s life. She feels shivery, freezing cold and burning hot at the same time, like she’s encased in clouds and floating high above everything. Is this how Evers feel when they get asked to the ball? It must be. No other feeling she’s had has been as beautiful as this “I know.”

“You know?” Black eyes meet red, both girls still. Anadil doesn’t feel witchy right now. These past years, she’s been trying to make herself older than she is, older and more mature and more evil. But really, she’s only sixteen. She’s still just a girl. And right now, she feels young and beautiful and in love.  

“Yes,” she says, sure of herself. This is what she wants. “I know,” she whispers.

Hester props herself up on her arms and looks at Anadil, wonder in her eyes. They lean towards each other, and it’s definitely uncomfortable, but all Anadil can think is that it’s happening. And when their lips touch, it feels like home. More home than the Bloodbrook château, certainly, more home than the School for Evil, more home than anything’s ever been. And she knows now what that warm feeling she gets when she’s with Hester is.

Belonging.

The kiss is light, fleeting, filled with the promises of more kisses and love and forever. They pull away and stare at each other, both blushing. “I love you, Hester,” Anadil says quietly, her voice shaky. For a terrible moment, Hester’s eyes get wide and Anadil’s so scared she’s done something wrong.

But then Hester smiles and says, “I love you, Anadil,” and even though she’s still got blood on her lips and her hair is a tangled mess and her voice is scratchy, she’s the most beautiful thing Anadil’s ever seen.

The Good love. The Evil hate.

Not anymore, Anadil thinks to the voice in her head, gazing at the girl she loves. And like it was never there at all, the voice that called her a coward, the voice that said she could never love, the voice that brought her deepest fears and insecurities to life, is gone. 

And all that’s left is Hester.