#sobbing omg i thought it was gonna be another sabotage or a 'WHEN DID U GET 2 STRIKES' Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[alonelysimp]

AHSDGFSJHDAKJHSF MYehADRRt

[cheerstocrazy]

Wahh

I’ve been feeling so sad lately bc I’m about to start my period, and last week I was nostalgic as hell for past memories. I’ve only been listening to Don’t Take the Money (unplugged version), Good Guy, and 89 (Bon Iver). It sucks to feel this way. Anyway, I think last week’s nostalgia was triggered by watching The Beauty Inside with Mary and Matthew. The date was just so sweet and intimate, and ugh I just wanted something like that in real life. So I thought back to my date right before I left to NYC, and how nice it was to be with someone so down-to-earth and upfront about his intentions. Someone who understood what I was going through and could recite my feelings back to me. I felt so seen (in the best way). I can’t believe he told me, “Why’d you agree to meet me before leaving? You’re at your most vulnerable right now? So anything is fair game, right?” I was still trying to process all my emotions that week so for him to realize I was at my most vulnerable made me feel transparent and like someone actually understood my current emotions. I was so taken aback that he was able to read me. Now that I’m home and don’t have much going on -- I think back to that night. It was a perfect date/night/finale before leaving. He was just such a good guy, I wish we could’ve stayed friends afterward, but I don’t blame him for not maintaining contact. I mean no one can really put their life on hold and wait for something that’s not even a guarantee. I just felt like the rest of the world ceased to exist that night and time stopped momentarily just for us. We didn’t skip a beat and he was just so curious and he spoke 3 languages (!!!!!!!) and was legitimately woke (!!!!) I remember us sitting at the taco place all by ourselves in the corner with our kind of strange seating arrangement. Eating messily and just chatting about random things like 2 people who had known each other a while. I think me leaving made us more uninhibited and allowed for us to really enjoy the 1 night we had. I wish it didn’t have to end, I really enjoyed how kind he was and sociable. Just an all around really great human. Any girl would be lucky to have him as a friend, let alone a boyfriend. I’m sure all his invitations and effusiveness were said out of hopefulness that this would continue when I got back. I wish what he said was true. He was so well-spoken and deliberate, which I really appreciate in a human, and it’s so rare to find that in a 20 something year old - especially a software engineer!! Ugh, I’m going to cry. Anyway, that was one of my favorite nights of this year, I’ll never forget it. It was the best date I’ve ever been on, and it came at a very strange time in my life. After the Snap guy and the Dr., I just realized that good guys who understand and vibe with me will be incredibly hard to come by.  My favorite moments of 2017: 1. Date with the Israeli guy before leaving to NY 2. (Best/Worst) Nice at Hair in the Dog where I threw up my intestines - the entire day. From eating Japanese food, walking through Brooklyn, finding that wicked cool bar with awesome views. Eating that bomb burger at the South American inspired place with arepas. Waiting in the Sbux to kill time and for a respite. Walking around Brooklyn lost trying to find a club. Going back to the weird bar in LES and being pestered by the Asians. Getting free drinks, ducking to escape them. Eventually running in the rain to Hair of the Dog. Stumbling upon Andrew (hot guy) who just took us into the group and bought us drinks. Dancing with Orr’s friend then him, the hand job (lol). Being piss drunk, then not knowing what happened the rest of the night.  3. Salt Flat weekend with the Brazilians. Will be one of my favorite weekends of life. They were the sweetest and funniest guys ever, I cannot believe I found them. I remember seeing them at the bus station in Potosi and thinking omg, one of them is kinna fat and if he lost some weight, he’d be skinnier. I saw they were eating hot dogs and a bag of chips. Just laughed to realize they were my roommates.  4. The jam sessions and dinner in Cusco.  5. Coachella weekend: Bon Iver, Justice, Porteon, Jai Wolf. Having Julian take care of my the entire set and just swaying with me and keeping me afloat. That was absolute euphoria and a nightmare for me.  *Bon Iver ft Francis - Friends (MY FAVORITE CONCERT MOMENT EVER!) 6. The bar by PP’s apt with the fucking disgusting couple making out for 3 hours. Camaraderie is everyone in the bar clapping, snapchatting, heckling that couple.  7. San Pedro de Atacama - absolutely everything in that desert took my breath away 8. FWB Dr. those 2 weeks were pretty fun to have someone on speed dial to hang out with 9. The marathon 15 hour workday with Kathy and Daniel when we were delirious and literally just putting binders together for 5 hours.  10. Going out with the Chileans to Ex-Fabrica, the taking photos snafu lmao 11. Hanging out with Tiare on my last night in Chile. That was so fun to get day drunk and just eat and walk around.  12. WATCHING THE KILLERS FROM THE ROOFTOP IN AUSTIN!!!!! ZOMG WTF!!! 13. Gorillaz set!!! at ACL 14. I think I ran a 7+ miler this year.... 15. The Huaraz hike, sinking into the mud, standing around each night to joke around with people.  16. The entire day at Machu Picchu which WAS TOTALLY SURREAL AND MEETING THAT GROUP OF PERUVIANS!! AND THE SHORT LIL MAN WHO LOVED ME.  17. Barranco!!!! I love that neighborhood so much!!  18. Going off-roading in Sedona with the random Canadian couple we met.  19. My cute as hell South African roommate!! Eek I loved him so much 20. Hiking Montana de Siete Colores 21. Staying with the cutest Peruvian family in Ica. MY HEART, I LOVED THEM. 

Best songs of the year: 1. Francis and the Lights - May I Have This Dance?  2. Rhys - Swallow Your Pride 3. Frank Ocean - Good Guy/White Ferrari 4. Bleachers - Don’t Take the Money 5. Banks - Crowded Places  6. Mura Masa - What’s It Gonna B? 7. Haim - You Never Knew 8. Lorde - Supercut/The Louvre 9. Odesza - Corners of the Earth 10. Jai Wolf - Starlight 11. Kehlani - Do U Dirty Saddest Moments of the Year: 1. August 2nd - getting the call from Eastridge to notify me that I’d been let go 2. March - Seeing Sal, getting anxious that entire weekend, having no appetite, just the lack of control I had over my body. Dealing with his texting. Getting my car towed. 3. My mother not talking to me for 8 months. That took a toll 4. Dealing with insurance for months on end to resolve nothing.  5. In Banos, Ecuador to have my parents sabotage me for the first time and tell me to come home. 6. Cusco, when my mother wouldn’t take a photo of my vaccinations to which I sobbed on the floor. 7. The endless professional shitting -- all the you’re going to get hired/promoted blah blah. Nope 8. June 13th - when Bryan told me he was leaving the company. My heart sunk.  Honorable Mentions:  1. Colombian straggler 2. Date with the tall ass weirdo who made me not date for 6 months afterwards lol 3. HEAVING AND PUFFING AND DYING AT LAGUNA 69 OMG KILL ME  This was such a hard year for me mentally, physically, emotionally. I’m looking back and even though I did have lots of good moments (due to my South America trip), it was mostly a year that tested me. I just felt like I got walked all over and was taken advantage of. I felt so small most of the year at work and like my value wasn’t realized. It was a lot of feeling hopeful only to get crushed immediately, which I guess is what life is. It was so taxing for me to be at work and just not progress professionally and getting lead on. I didn’t deserve that at all. My best couple of months came from me being laid off, so I guess there’s that silver lining? Boys wise, this year didnt’ work out too well, lots of ghosts coming back into my life and another unsuccessful year of dating. My mother and I didn’t speak to each other for most of the year, which was ridiculous. There was a really big life event this year, and I definitely needed her to be there for me, and she wasn’t. That’s a year we’ll never get back, and I can’t really talk about it without crying. She’s talking to me again, but you don’t get to shut me out of your life for 8 months with no valid reason to talk to me again like nothing happened. This isn’t how it works. I don’t think our relationship will be able to come back after that, especially post election. It was just a really hard time for me, and it would’ve been nice to have a maternal figure for venting. I guess that’s when your friends come in. I remember being in the jacuzzi talking to Tam, and she told me about what my mom said and how she felt while I was away and like her heart sunk. And I was like what about me??? I don’t even know why she’s upset. I just teared up, I couldn’t take it anymore. Especially after my trip, and coming back to reality. I just wanted to disappear for most of this year because I felt so insiginificant, and that’s why I ran off to South America. I wanted anonymity but under my call, not someone else making me feel invisible. All I wanted this year was to be seen and heard, and that rarely happened. This was such a hard year for me, I still can’t get over how difficult it’s been. At least I sleep a lot not and am not stressed out. I need to move.  2018 goal: MOVE OUT OF CALIFORNIA!!!