#so we're in the process trying some drugs to help and see if we can get things started and my metabolism back on track

[cherriesandcharms]

..

[wardenparker]

The Stars Re-Align, part 3

Frankie Morales x female reader Co-written with @absurdthirst

Rating: E for Explicit! 18+ Word Count: 13.1k Warnings: Reader is given an age and a grown daughter. Cursing, food/alcohol, mentions of military service (obviously), complicated relationships, family drama, mentions of past abusive relationship, mentions of past drug use, miscommunication, revelations, fingering, vaginal sex, unprotected sex. Summary: Helping Frankie and Luna get set up for the next steps of their life brings them much closer to you and Rachel. And to the possibility of family. Notes: Thank you so much to everyone who left such lovely comments and tags on this story as we went along! We really love a good One That Got Away story and we're so happy that you all do, too. Please enjoy the final installment! 🧡 As always, the gif is for the vibes, *not* a physical representation of the reader.

Half an hour after the call, when Benny knocks on the door of Fish's apartment, it's Pope who answers the door. "You brought a second army," he observes. There's just a touch of sadness in his smile when his eyes fall on you, but only a touch. In some ways, it just proves he made the right decision that you've dropped everything to come here.

“I was having dinner with them.” Benny shuffles into the apartment and looks around. “What’s going on, man?”

"Everybody come in." If he's surprised to see you, Will doesn't show it.

There's a tall woman at his side doing some very studious typing on her phone and you dimly recall Rachel saying Ben's brother has a long-term girlfriend. What catches your attention and holds it is the figure of Frankie Morales cradling a baby in his arms, and the way it wraps around your heart and twists is terrible. It's jealousy, but you have no right to that particular emotion. Not now or ever.

Settled by the bottle, Luna isn’t crying anymore, but Frankie continues to hold her close. Probably using her as a bit of a crutch himself, he can’t bring himself to put her down, even if she’s fallen back asleep.

The apartment is a mess. Things have been thrown around in a deliberate temper tantrum sort of way and it's clear that some frantic behavior has followed that tantrum, causing a bit more of a mess in the process. "Frankie..." For now you swallow down whatever conflicting emotions you have and walk over to him while the others get settled. "Ben said it was an emergency," you explain, as if you're trying to dignify why you came with Ben and Rachel even though you know that's not strictly necessary. "Are you—is she—okay?"

“You— she’s—” he’s practically speechless that you are here, his gaze darting around the destroyed apartment and he’s embarrassed that you are seeing this. “She’s okay…physically.” He murmurs, bouncing her in his arms slightly and feeling a little off kilter. “Uh— Marie, she, uh, she found Rachel’s phone number in my jacket.” He clears his throat. “She left.”

“She left…like…permanently?” You swallow hard around the implications of that, trying to reconcile what Rachel has told you of this woman with the kind of person that would abandon a child. It’s not the same as what happened with you and Frankie. This, in your opinion, is far worse.

“I think so.” While Frankie had just talked about extricating himself from a relationship with Marie, he had never once considered a situation where she would abandon Luna. He looks down at his daughter, and then his eyes find Rachel’s guiltily. As if he were just as equally horrible.

“What happened?” No sooner does Rachel meet his eyes than she’s crossing the apartment, laying one gentle hand on Luna’s back and very nearly reaching to hug him. She doesn’t know if he would even want that, but the way she almost just added Dad to the end of her sentence makes her own heart break.

He doesn’t want to tell her. Finding it too repulsive to even consider, but he owes her the most truth he can give. “She— she thinks that it was something different.” He tells her quietly. “Like I would cheat, or sleep with Ben’s girlfriend.” He doesn’t even bring up how disgusting it is since she is his daughter. “I tried to tell her that you— that we are—” he curses himself and snorts. “I told her you are my daughter and she didn’t believe me.”

Rachel blows out a long breath and centers herself, hands on her hips just like her father when he’s working something out. “Can I be honest?” Rachel asks, standing between her two parents and shaking her head.

“Always.” It’s not like he expects anything else, but he wants her to be able to share her thoughts and feelings.

“Marie is a cunt, Dad.” Rachel doesn’t beat around the bush, but reaches again to rub Luna’s back. “I’m glad she’s gone, if she really is. Because she’s awful and you two deserve so much better.”

The snickers of the guys showcase their complete agreement with her view and Frankie frowns as he looks down at his sleeping daughter again. “I just— I didn’t expect her to call our daughter a crotch goblin.” He admits quietly. “She was happy she was pregnant. Even if I wasn’t thrilled.” It’s a guilty thought, but he hadn’t been overly joyful at the prospect of having a kid.

“Terrible people say terrible things,” Rachel reasons. She leans forward more this time, waving one friendly finger in her baby sister’s face to make her giggle then places a kiss on Luna’s forehead. “Good riddance. And if she ever says another word against this little angel, I’ll punt her across the Gulf.”

“I— you’re right.” He sighs softly, his heart clenching at the sight of his previously unknown daughter being so sweet to Luna. “I knew she was resentful that I left on a…business trip when Luna was a few weeks old, but I never thought she would take it out on her.”

“Having a child doesn’t automatically make you a good parent,” you reason, with your hands sheepishly stuffed in your pockets. “Just like you can be an amazing parent without ever having children of your own. It’s not clean-cut like that. And it sounds like…like she was not going to be in this for the long run. One way or another.”

His eyes meet yours, sad because it feels like you might be making a pointed statement about him. He just nods and sighs again when Luna kicks, looking down at her and rubbing her stomach as he holds her. “Yeah.”

“I just mean…” He looks so fucking sad that your heart breaks all over again, when you meant to be supporting him. “There are plenty of people in your circle who are going to be ready to help you, Frankie. Just because the woman who gave birth to this little girl turned out to be less-than-ideal doesn’t mean she’ll be alone. We’re all here to help.”

“You don’t owe me anything.” He reminds you quietly. “Call it poetic justice.” He doesn’t want you to feel like you have to do anything. Not after what he’s done.

“Don’t be silly.” What happened between the two of you is beside the point, as far as you’re concerned. At least it isn’t relevant right now, so you brush it aside. “It takes a village, right? Well, here we are.”

The differences between you and Marie could not be more evident than at this moment. He swallows harshly and he looks back up at you. “Thanks.”

“Okay.” Santiago’s voice cuts through the tension in the room, and most of the group takes that as a signal to congregate, all moving toward the living room sofa en masse. “So we have some things to figure out, but the ball is rolling. Jess is getting in contact with a lawyer for custody papers, the clean up here will take maybe an hour at most, and from there it’s making sure Fish and Luna are taken care of.”

“I— thanks again.” Frankie mutters, looking incredibly embarrassed by all of this. “I appreciate this and Luna does as well.”

“If it was one of us, you’d be right there in the trenches,” Benny reminds him. He sits down on the edge of the couch and puts an arm around Rachel when she comes to sit beside him, grateful for nothing but kindness from both her and you.

“I have some work I can do remotely for a week or two,” you offer, knowing that handling a baby alone can be difficult even under the best conditions. “And…I can cook.” A thing which was never Frankie’s forte as a teenager.

“I guess that’s— I don’t want to come between you and your life.” His eyes slide over to Santiago, burying his own jealousy because it’s not fair.

“I have the time and the skills.” It isn’t meant to be a rude reminder, but just an honest one. You’re the only person here who has raised a baby thus far. “I’ll take a personal day tomorrow and then work from home for a little while. The office won’t mind, since I’m still in the preliminary stages of my next project.”

“If you’re sure…” Frankie can take care of his daughter. That’s never been a problem. He’s not one that complains about getting up during the night or changing dirty diapers. But he is trying to appeal the loss of his license and needs to be able to attend hearings. It was good that he had preemptively went to rehab and could provide clean tests. Hopefully it would be enough.

“I have a work laptop, a deep knowledge of Disney and children’s music, and the ability to cook enough to leave you leftovers.” For the first time, your hand moves to his arm and you give it a gentle squeeze. “I’m sure, Frankie.”

"It won't be for long." He promises. "As soon as I can get my license back, I can afford to get a daycare or a sitter service for Luna." He shrugs slightly. "I can fly again." He's not sure what Santiago has told you, but there's no need to hide anything from you.

“Mom has you covered for a little bit, and Benny and I can help,” Rachel assures him. The deep need to connect to her little sister and be there for her father is strong and already growing.

“And Jess and I will fill in the blanks,” Will promises. Luna will never be without a second set of eyes, Fish. You’ll be able to make your appointments and do everything you need to do.”

Frankie blows out a sigh and he looks around. "Should I move?" He asks quietly. "In case she comes back? Or stay here and if she does come back, we address it then?"

“Move in with us.” Rachel blurts out, unapologetic in her honesty and immediately stubborn on the point as soon as the thought occurs to her. “We have the space, and Marie wouldn’t know how to find you.”

Frankie's eyes widen at the offer and his heart leaps at the idea but his gaze darts over to you. "Rachel, sweetheart...I couldn't possibly do that." He shakes his head when your own shocked face mirrors his. You don't want that and he won't make your life harder.

“Guys, will you give us a minute?” This is not a conversation that you want spectators for, and it only takes a second of hesitation for Will and Jess to stand.

“Let’s start picking up.” Will suggests, casting meaningful looks at Santiago and Benny. This isn’t their conversation. Especially not Pope’s anymore.

Frankie shuffles slightly, biting his lip and wishing that he didn't have to hear the scolding that Rachel was in for. He knows that she only has good intentions, but it's not the same as offering up a place to live for him and a child he fathered by another woman.

“Do you feel unsafe here?” You ask Frankie, wanting an honest answer rather than the one he feels he ought to give. Men have a hard time speaking up in abusive situations for a hell of a lot of reasons and you’re not about to add to his stress. “Like if Marie came back, she might hurt you or the baby?”

"She wouldn't hurt me." Frankie assures you. "But...I don't— I might hurt her." He admits softly. "If she tries to hurt Luna. I'll talk to the property management. Have the locks changed."

“Is there any possibility she would actually try to hurt Luna?” This sweet little baby did nothing wrong, and the part of you that missed out on getting to see Frankie hold your little girl is both savoring and jealous of this moment of his protection.

"If she's high?" Frankie wouldn't want to believe it, but he can't be sure. "I don't know. She's angry at me and she knows that I would die for Luna."

“If she’s—” That is going to have to be a conversation for another time, but you nod your head once and look at Rachel. Your steadfast, loyal-to-a-fault daughter is looking at you so expectantly that you can’t even hold her gaze, and end up looking back at Frankie. “We have a guest room and a safe neighborhood. Our HOA is a pain in the ass but if they know a vehicle isn’t supposed to be in the neighborhood they will have a tow truck in the street before she even gets out of her car.”

"Gatita..." he closes his eyes and relaxes slightly when he feels Rachel take the baby from him. Opening his eyes again, he knows that it's the right choice. "We won't be there long." He promises after a moment.

"You'll be there for as long as you need to be." Will it be awkward, maneuvering around each other? Sure. But this isn't about your comfort level. This is about his safety and the safety of his baby.

******

Your home is surprisingly easy to settle into, but Frankie tries to give you and Rachel space. Finding some of the run ins a little awkward in that ‘navigating new roommates’ waters. Right now though, it’s three in the morning and Luna has woken up hungry. Leaving a sleepy-eyed Dad to shuffle into the kitchen in a pair of sleep pants and a little girl bouncing against his bare shoulder as he mixes up a bottle.

There’s a light on in the kitchen when you come down the stairs, bleary-eyed and dealing with a stupid amount of heartburn from that second helping of chili you shouldn’t have had at dinner. You can hear him before you see him — the gentle shushing of a parent soothing an infant — and you knock gently on the archway to the kitchen before stepping inside. “Sorry to interrupt,” you murmur quietly, not wanting to scare Luna.

“Hey, sorry.” Frankie winces slightly, sure that he’s woken you up. “Baby girl needed a bottle. We’ll be settled down and quiet soon.”

“Don’t worry about it.” When you move toward the fridge too, you almost laugh at the irony. “I came down for milk, too. Heartburn is a bitch.”

He winces sympathetically and nods. “Remember when we were young? Heartburn was something our parents made up.” He snorts, aware that he’s had to change his diet as he’s gotten older.

“I’d give anything to be able to eat the way we did back then.” The carton of milk comes out onto the counter and so does a glass, but you’re self-conscious of giving Frankie enough space so you stay tucked in the corner. “Can I ask…” You shift slightly in place. “How are you adjusting?”

“Day to day, at night, it’s not a lot of difference.” Frankie admits. You have helped him tremendously during the day, but he insists on taking care of Luna himself when he gets back. “I always took care of the baby when I got home.” He tells you. “She needed a break and I didn’t mind.”

“Is there anything you need picked up? Changed?” It’s not your place to remark on his ex-girlfriend’s parenting, or seeming lack thereof, but you have noticed that the only people who contact him are his lawyer and his friends. The guys have been quite active actually, either helping him move the last of his things from the apartment into storage, helping with Luna, or helping him get things organized for his hearings.

“I don’t think so.” He is so grateful to you for everything. “I am planning on cutting the grass tomorrow.” He tells you. “So don’t worry about that.”

“I’m assuming it won’t make a difference if I tell you that you don’t need to do chores?” The Frankie of your past was a stubborn guy, and a nostalgic smile curls your lips.

“No.” Frankie frowns and looks over at you with dark eyes. “You are letting me stay, watching my child and you won’t take my money.” He huffs, slightly offended at the handout. “I can help around here.”

“Just don’t overextend yourself. Your appointments are more important than the lawn.” It’s nice that he wants to help, and you’re not going to stop him, but you don’t want Frankie to get himself behind because he gets obsessed with helping.

“I know.” Frankie nods. “I don’t have an appointment tomorrow. And the lawyers said that it looks promising.” He tells you.

“I’m glad to hear that.” Your own glass of milk is cold and soothing, and you pour a second for good measure. “I was planning on working from home again tomorrow. I hope that won’t bother you too much.”

“Gatita, this is your house.” Frankie reminds you. “You are free to do whatever you want.” He snorts. “If you wanted to walk around naked, I would just have to try to not stare.” He’s tired and he’s been dreaming about you after spending so much time with you. He didn’t mean to say that, but it popped out.

The burning in your cheeks is immediate, that combination of embarrassment and rekindled desire making you quickly look away so he won’t see how much you love hearing him call you Gatita again, or how much you actually want him to mean it when he says things like that to you. It had been deep in your head that the love you still have for Frankie would bubble to the surface with him in your house, but you didn’t know quite how bad it was going to be. “Well…I would say you’ve always been a gentleman, but we were teenagers together. The parts of us that are good at restraint now didn’t really exist back then.”

“No need to be a gentleman when I had you.” Frankie murmurs softly, twisting the cap back on the bottle and shaking it up as Luna grunts against his shoulder. She’s not crying right now, but she will be if she doesn’t get her bottle. “Only had to restrain myself around our parents.”

“Something neither of us was terribly good at,” you admit with a snort. “At least they never actually caught us having sex. That would have been mortifying.”

“Dad did.” Frankie admits, sending you a sheepish grin. “Senior year. He opened the door slightly and immediately closed it. I saw him in the mirror.”

“Oh my god.” You almost drop your glass, fumbling to get it on the counter with little enough noise to not agitate the baby and stifle your laughter at the same time. “Seriously? I am so glad you never told me that.”

He laughs quietly and nods. “We had sworn to never speak of it. And I hadn’t, until now.”

“I never would have been able to look him in the eye again.” Unfortunately, Frankie’s father had passed years ago — your own parents had sent you the obituary. “I sent flowers to the funeral home when he passed,” you admit quietly. “No card or anything, but…it was too little too late. I know that.”

Frankie closes his eyes and sighs softly. “Thank you.” He murmurs softly. “He loved you and he told me that I was the biggest goddamn fool for breaking up with you.”

“We were kids.” It’s not a good reason but it’s still a reason, and you’re not willing to rehash your breakup at 3am over milk with his infant.

“Yeah.” He can see that you are building walls against the conversation. He turns Luna over and pops the bottle into her mouth. “Well…I better let you get back to bed.” He murmurs. “Goodnight.”

“I—” The feeling of being dismissed from your own kitchen is uncomfortable at best, and you frown before setting your glass in the dishwasher and simply stepping away. “Sorry to have disturbed you. Goodnight.”

Frankie frowns as he watches you leave and he hates how it seems like you’ve taken three steps back. Sighing softly, he looks down at Luna staring up at him. “What?” He asks her softly. “I didn’t do anything.”

******

By the next morning, you’ve resolved to apologize. Being short with him was unnecessary and doesn’t exactly make things easier for anyone. Not to mention, Frankie is having a hard enough time as it is without you getting mopey that he hasn’t just sat down beside you on the couch and snuggled you into his side like you want him to.

Getting up early, you head back downstairs and start making up a big pan of French toast and another whole tray of bacon. Sure there’s only three of you, but baking breakfast will give you time to make some fresh baby food for Luna, something you had loved doing for Rachel as well.

Frankie wakes up to the sounds of stirring in the kitchen. Groaning quietly at the aches and pains of his older self. Getting older sucks and it’s compounded by the abuse he put his body through when he was in the Army. Glancing at the clock, he sighs and sits up, grabbing his shirt. He will need to get started on the lawn before Luna wakes up.

The coffee pot has just finished bubbling when he gets downstairs, the rich, black brew piping hot and mixing with the other smells in the kitchen to be nothing short of enticing. Coffee, cinnamon, vanilla, bacon, and apples all mix together in the early morning like a welcoming curtain of comfort.

“Smells good.” Frankie shoves his hat on his head. “Baby’s still asleep. Thought I would get started on the grass.”

"Okay." Even though you nod, you gesture slightly at the baby monitor in his hand. "Do you want to leave that with me? I can get her changed and fed while breakfast cooks. She's got fresh apple and sweet potato puree for this morning."

“You’re too good to us—her.” Frankie huffs, shooting you a small smile. “After I get done, I’ll take her right back. I promise.”

"Frankie..." Your palms sweat and you hate yourself for being so affected by him still, but here you are. So deeply affected that you feel like you're fifteen all over again. "I wanted to apologize. For last night."

“You have nothing to apologize for.” Frankie shakes his head. “I was…out of line.”

"I shouldn't have been dismissive, or snapped at you. It's not out of line to want to talk about our past." Exhaling softly, you lean back against the counter and bite your bottom lip as you debate how much is really wise to say. "It's just bringing up a lot of old emotions and I wasn't prepared to work through them thoroughly at three in the morning."

“Yeah,” Frankie shuffles slightly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.” He hums quietly. “I know that it’s hard. I should have just kept quiet.”

"No." You shake your head and take a step back toward him instead of shrinking away again. "No, that's...keeping quiet and hiding things from each other is how I got us into this mess. I don't want to perpetuate that anymore."

Frankie sighs. “No, me being a fucking asshole is what got us into the mess of you raising a kid by yourself.” He tells you.

"I should have just told you." Twenty-four years of hindsight is twenty-twenty. "If I hadn't been so scared, it would have worked out eventually."

“And I should have come back.” Frankie snorts. “I should have found you. Begged you to take me back.” He puts his hands on his hips. “There’s a million things I shouldn’t have done, or should have.”

"I should have figured out how to write to you at boot camp. Or found your parents after they moved. Anything." Your arms cross over your chest in some kind of unconscious half-mirroring of him, but you end up swallowing a sigh. "Rachel does that, you know. Her hands on her hips, like you do. There's so much of you in her and I'm so sorry that you missed some of it."

Those words make him close his eyes. Absorbing them and trying not to let them hurt as bad as they do. “I just don’t want to miss any more.”

"I don't want you to, either." It's a small admission. Also too little, too late. But at least it's honest. "And neither does she."

“I know you don’t – this isn’t ideal.” Frankie admits. “You don’t really want me here. And I just don’t want to overstep.”

"Why do you think I don't want you here?" Can you guess at plenty of reasons? Of course. But you're curious to know why he assumes you would have invited him into your home if you didn't want him here at all.

“Who wants their ex in their house?” Frankie snorts. “I’ve cost you your relationship, made you a babysitter and make you uncomfortable by bringing up a past I can’t forget.” He practically whispers the last part, almost ashamed of it.

Something about the whole scenario just makes you crack in your chest and you almost cave in on yourself, letting the words out before you can stop yourself. Six simple words, but with so much meaning. "I don't care. I miss you."

Frankie bites his lip, curling his hands into his hips to keep from reaching for you. “You miss who I was.” He reminds you. “I’ve become a very different one.”

"So have I." You weren't expecting rejection to sting as much as it does, even though you don't even know that you actually offered enough for him to reject. It still makes you want to cry, though, in a very vulnerable and surprised sort of way. "That doesn't mean we aren't still who we are at the core."

“I’ve…done things.” Frankie admits. “Bad things. Things that would make you curl away from me in disgust.”

"Nobody's pure." But you shuffle a little where you're standing and look up again, actually looking him in the eyes. "Santiago told me about South America. Everything. So I'm not as much of a wilting flower as you might think."

“Never said you were.” He knows you are strong, capable. You raised Rachel by yourself and all the struggles that it entailed.

"I'm not trying to force anything." Though if it happened, you would absolutely not be opposed to it. You've realized that in the three days since Frankie and Luna moved into your house. "I'm just saying, if I didn't want you here, or I didn't want to know who you are now...then you wouldn't be here at all. I just wouldn't have offered, regardless of anything Rachel said."

“Maybe you shouldn’t have offered.” Frankie snorts. “Fuck knows you wouldn’t have if you know what I think about around you.” He’s just determined to beat himself up, still depressed and trying to self-sabotage without the use of coke.

That just makes you scoff, shoving your hands in your pockets weakly because what you really want to do is cross the kitchen tiles and just throw your arms around him like you always used to. "I fully expect you to hate me. I'm not going to make you leave my house just because you rightfully dislike your ex for keeping your daughter from you."

He stares at you for a moment before he laughs. “You think I hate you?” He demands roughly. “Hate doesn’t have me dreaming about seeing if I could beat the goddamn record I set when we were seventeen.” He hisses. “Hate doesn’t have me waking up in the middle of the night with my hand around my cock because you still smell the same and those sheets smell like you. Hate isn’t something I want to do to you, gatita.”

For about three full seconds, all you can do is stand there and stare at him. It's like your mind had shut down trying to comprehend what he is saying to you and is only slowly booting back up like an ancient computer. A small squeak escapes you and all the air goes out of your chest just before water pricks at your eyes, and all of a sudden you're moving straight across the kitchen to kiss him before you can even process what you're doing.

Frankie had fully expected a hand across his cheek, so when you launch yourself at him, he’s shocked. Groaning against your lips for a split second before he’s wrapping his arms around you, one hand cradling your head to keep you close. To keep you kissing him.

He's thicker than he was as a gangly teenager. Age has given him muscles and then softened them again, making him pliant under your touch just as much as you are under his. The powerful magnet of attraction between you leaves no room for questioning in the moment. You're just two people clinging desperately to each other and to hope, and the first slide of your tongue against his when your lips part to deepen the kiss is like coming home. A very specific, very teenage home – but this is still where your heart lives.

Frankie groans, finding it to be his turn to move. Turning and pressing you against the counter as he drowns in this kiss. It feels so right, despite the mistakes that he has made, the sins he has committed, he tastes nothing but the overwhelming sense of rightness in your lips.

He had dipped down to find the perfect angle to capture your soft moan when it crossed your lips, but now Frankie straightens again. Breaking your head so it won’t hit the cabinets, his other hand pulls you close at the waist — expanded, soft from carrying and birthing a baby and simply being alive for more than forty years — as your hands wander his body to recommit every plane of him to memory. There’s a beautiful rosy nostalgia over the kiss even with the nearly feral need each of you feels, and something drastic might have happened if not for the soft cry of surprise that emanates from the half-light of the living room.

Pulling back in surprise, Frankie’s eyes widen when he sees Rachel standing there. “Uh, I—” he glances at you, unsure of what to say at this point.

“Rach, why don’t you go check on your sister?” You suggest, feeling the reason that Frankie might need a couple of minutes to calm down throb and jump against your hip. Not that your restraint is much better. You’re going to need to change your panties just from being kissed.

“Uh, sure, I can do that.” She nods dramatically, whirling around. “Then I—I’m going to go over to Ben’s. All day. I’ll text when I come back.”

“Breakfast in five minutes!” You call after her, not sure if she’s actually heard you or not as her footsteps ascend the stairs all over again. She’s gone again in a flash and you bite your lip when your eyes track back to Frankie, no guilt or embarrassment in your expression, only a little bit of sheepishness at being caught.

“Well, I think that embarrassed her.” Frankie comments as he looks over to you. He doesn’t know exactly what you are thinking, but it’s not regret on your face. That makes a ghost of a smile curl up the edges of his mouth.

“Don’t let her fool you.” The warmth in your cheeks is only matched by the warmth in the rest of you, waves of it crawling under your skin with how close he is. “She thinks I don’t know that she’s wanted her parents back together since she was five years old.”

“She didn’t know me.” Frankie frowns slightly and hopes this isn’t just some kind of wish fulfillment.

“I used to tell her more.” You admit, though you’re not sure if that’s good or bad. It’s selfish, but it was also survival. “I stopped when she got old enough to realize that…” Blowing out a breath, your eyes drop down from his. He probably does not want to hear this, despite kissing you back just now. “That I’ve still always had feelings for you.”

“You— you still wanted to be with me?” He’s surprised that you would, given how he had left. “Baby….its— I’ve always regretted leaving you. I called you.” He reveals. “Several times….but I never could say anything.”

“You called?” Your eyebrows raise back all the way up your forehead, eyes watery with hopeful tears that you refuse to shed and ruin the moment. “Oh no…” A gasp leaves you, almost washing out the sounds of Rachel and Luna cooing and giggling at each other over the baby monitor. “You called…in the two years after you left for the Army?”

“Yeah.” Frankie chokes out, looking away and feeling ashamed that he hadn’t been able to fucking say a word when he had called your house. “After I got out of bootcamp. I would fucking dial your number at least twice a week. Every time, someone would pick up and I couldn’t say a word. Didn’t have the words I wanted to say.”

“And then…after a while…the number stopped working?” You guess, biting back a sigh of regret.

“Yeah.” He frowns and tilts his head. “How did you—”

“Because my parents got their phone number changed after we had so many hangups in such a short amount of time,” you explain, now feeling guilty for what had happened. “They thought it was some criminal or stalker or something. We moved about a year later anyway.”

“Fuck.” Frankie hisses, closing his eyes and berating himself for his fucking stupidity. “I just— I choked every time I tried to ask for you. In fucking Delta training and I couldn’t fucking apologize.”

“No use in being upset about it now…” Those days are twenty years past. A lifetime ago and then some. And you’re stuck in the here and now with your hand still flexing at his hip. “We should…talk, though. Rach is going to have a million questions.”

“Of course.” He nods and slides his hands over his lounging pants. “What— you start.”

Don’t think about it, don’t think about it, don’t think about it… You tell yourself sternly, eyes flickering down to where his large hands stretch dangerously to other, equally interesting parts of him. “We both just…we were seeing other people. Until literally a few days ago.” If you don’t remind yourselves of that you feel like you’ll burst. “But…I miss you. And I do still have feelings for you. And…and if you’re open to it, when you’re ready, I think finding out how we could be together as adults is— well, it’s a long time coming, would you say?”

That….is not what he expected you to say. He had expected to hear something about taking it slow or perhaps it should be kept quiet, but not that. “I’ve never stopped having feelings for you.” Frankie promises you softly. “And I— I’ve missed you every goddamn day.”

“I’m not going to push you for anything. Not quickly, not ever.” Whatever he wants to have with you, you want it to be freely given just like you intend to give freely. “I kind of…really love seeing you in my house like this…”

He looks down at his clothes, like that might explain what you are talking about. “Rumpled?” He jokes quietly.

“That’s one word for it,” You admit, grinning softly. “I was thinking sexy, though.”

“If tired, ex-military dad is sexy, I guess I’m it.” Frankie smirks.

“It is.” You can’t help but laugh a little. “Definitely.”

He steps closer to you again. “Well, do you want to drool over this tired dad mowing the grass?” He teases. “I’ll even do it shirtless.”

“Eat breakfast with us first.” That is something you’ll insist on, especially since the timer is about to go off on the oven in about twenty seconds. “And then I’ll sit and gawk at the dining room table afterward.”

Frankie snorts but agrees with a nod. “It smells amazing. You are a great cook.”

“You always liked breakfast, so I took a shot that you would like Rachel’s favorite baked French toast.” You’re going to need to open the oven in just a few seconds, but the last thing you want to do is pull away from the heat of him. “I swear I can do more than just casseroles now.”

He chuckles quietly. “Better than me. Although I need to learn. Luna deserves to have a parent who can feed her more than frozen dinners.” You also deserve to have some of the burden lifted off of you, but that’s another conversation.

“I’ll teach you if you want?” There were a couple of family recipes his mother taught you when you were teenagers that Rachel loves, and plenty of other things of course. But when the timer goes off and you’re forced to step away reluctantly, you add: “And I bet Rachel would, too. She’s pretty damn good in her own right. It might be something you can do together.”

“Maybe we can all do it?” Frankie asks hopefully. Wanting to spend time with both of you. “Between the two of you, I might have a fighting chance.”

“Absolutely.” You’re about willing to promise him anything he wants right now, but first it’s just about taking the pans out of the oven and stifling the need to steal one more kiss when you hear Rachel descend the stairs with a happily babbling Luna in her arms.

“Good.” Frankie makes sure you aren’t holding a pan when he swoops in again. Planting a quick, hard kiss on your lips. “Later.” He whispers, much like he had promised so many years ago when you were about to be interrupted.

It’s good that the girls make plenty of noise coming downstairs so no one else can hear the more-than-slightly-pitiful whimper that Frankie pulls out of you, but you snap back into reality well enough to clamp your mouth shut and motion for him to grab plates from the cupboard without imploding.

“Everyone decent?” Rachel calls out before her head pokes around the door. “There’s a small child present!”

“We were never not decent,” you point out, waving your daughter into the room. “Do you want to get your sister’s cup of food or help your dad set the table?” It’s possibly the most domestic sentence you’ve said…maybe ever, and it rolls through you like summer sunrise.

“Whatever you need me to do.” Her grin is wide and proudly embarrassed as she eyes both of you. “Soooooooooooo. Mom.” She tilts her head towards you with a glint in her eyes. “Do we need to have the safe sex talk, young lady?”

“Your very existence is proof that it’s too late for that,” you remind her, but a smirk forms in the corner of your mouth either way. “Let’s all sit down to eat and we can talk a little. Okay?”

“Seriously though.” Rachel turns towards her dad. “You hurt my mom, and I’ll sic Ben on you.” She warns playfully.

“Sweet pea, get your sister settled and we’ll all talk,” you insist, biting your lip a little at the idea of anything going wrong again. You don’t like it and you don’t even want to process it right now.

“Okay.” It’s more you using ‘sweet pea’ instead of anything else that makes her nod and move to get Luna settled in her high chair. You are upset about something, or avoiding it and she wonders what it is.

It takes a few minutes to get everyone settled and served, but you manage it pretty well and Frankie gets Luna fed before digging in for himself.

“So….” Frankie takes a bite, groaning and rolling his eyes happily at the taste of the casserole. “This is good.” He moans. “Like the best damn thing I’ve ever eaten.” He might have been about to start this talk, but now he’s distracted by the breakfast.

"Iknowright?" Rachel mumbles all at once, thrilled to see her favorite breakfast materialize on the table without asking for it.

“So good.” He forks up another bite before reaching for the syrup again to add more to the French toast bake.

"At least I know I can subdue you both with French toast if you get out of hand," you tease, looking between father and daughter at the table and snorting a laugh.

Both of them look up at you at the same time, forks halfway to their mouths, with the exact same disgruntled expression on their faces.

"Goddamn I wish you could see yourselves right now." It isn't that you didn't know Rachel was like her father. You had known that for her whole life. But seeing them side by side throws it into sharp relief. "Look at these two," you coo to Luna, reaching over to tickle the baby's soft and chubby belly in that way that makes her giggle. "They're exactly the same, aren't they sweetheart?"

It’s fucking amazing, how you are with Luna. Frankie had always felt like Marie wasn’t as maternal or soft as he thought she should be, but then immediately felt guilty for thinking that way. He’s just happy that you are obviously thrilled to have a baby in the house. “We have some similar traits?” He asks, looking over at Rachel.

"Apparently a lot." Rachel shrugs, not knowing she does it in the same way as her father and always has. "According to Mom, Ben should have picked up a vibe really fast."

"I think it just made him subconsciously more comfortable with you," you clarify, forking up another bite of your own breakfast. "Which is a good thing. I'm not saying he should have been confused by it or anything."

Frankie chuckles lightly and reaches over to pick up another spoonful of the puréed apples and sweet potato to feed to Luna. “He would have just thought you were weird.” He jokes.

"To be fair, he does think I'm weird," Rachel clarifies. Her coffee is getting low and she stretches to grab the pot for a refill. "But he likes that about me."

He snorts and nods, holding up his cup when she offers to refresh his. “Ben’s weird himself, so that checks out.”

"Weird is better." You've always thought so. Even used to say so when you were younger. "It's more interesting."

“You used to say I was your perfect kind of weird.” Frankie blurts out, remembering when you would lovingly coo it to him. He would always roll his eyes, but he enjoyed it.

"You were." The reminder – the fact that he even remembers you saying that – warms through you and your face burns bashfully. "Probably still are, if we're honest."

“I think that makes you even weirder.” Frankie snorts, shooting you a playful look. “Because….look at me.”

"I'm not exactly the world's most exciting person, Frankie." You aim a shrug in his direction, doctoring your refilled mug of coffee. "It took me a long time, but for the most part I'm happy with where I am in life. That doesn't make me too interesting, though."

“No, nothing is interesting about a strong, beautiful, capable woman who has raised an equally beautiful daughter by herself, made a comfortable life for her and still maintained the sweetness of youth.” Frankie narrows his eyes slightly, hating how you put yourself down.

"And she has a super fucking cool job, too." Rachel pipes up, obviously ready to back her father up on this one. "Working for the Mouse means we get to go to the parks for free. Luna's going to love it just like I did."

“Just because you went, doesn’t mean Luna will get tickets too, sweetheart.” Frankie reminds her.

“Of course we’ll go.” The idea that Frankie doesn’t think you’d treat his baby daughter well hits you somewhere deep in your chest and you work not to frown. “Unless you don’t want to go? Then we’ll just have a girl’s day.”

“It’s not—” he’s offended you, something that he wasn’t trying to do and he shakes his head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that the way you took it. I just— I never assume anything.” He tells you. “Just because you have tickets doesn’t mean you owe them us, that’s all.”

“It isn’t that I owe it to you.” Reaching across the space at the table in front of Luna’s highchair, you squeeze his hand gently. “But Rach is right, even if she didn’t exactly mean to point it out. We’re a family.”

Frankie looks over at Luna and smiles softly, the baby is shoving her fingers in her mouth and cooing happily. “You ever want more kids?” He asks.

"All the time." You don't mind answering that honestly, but you shrug your shoulders and pick up a piece of bacon from your plate. "I don't relish being referred to as a geriatric pregnancy, though."

“You aren’t geriatric.” Frankie frowns and shakes his head. “Hell— I mean…I thought this was my first go round, but I missed the first.” He hates it, but he reaches over and takes Rachel’s hand with his other. Holding both of your hands.

"Geriatric pregnancies are anyone giving birth over the age of thirty-five." Rachel clarifies for her father, fully putting aside her fork to hold his hand with both of hers. "Mom just doesn't want to feel old. Even though she says I'm the thing that made her old." The last thought comes with a teasing grin thrown your way.

“Hell, I feel ancient knowing I have a grown ass daughter.” Frankie snorts, shaking his head. “I know she feels the same way, considering she had to carry you.”

Your own half-laugh sounds when you swing your head over to look at him. "You make big babies, Morales."

He chuckles and shrugs slightly. “That might be why Marie was never happy after Luna.” He jokes. “She was nearly eleven pounds, believe it or not.”

Rachel snorts, forkful of food halfway to her mouth, and grins. "Twins. I was eleven pounds, too. Eleven pounds and...twenty inches?" She looks to you when she can't remember.

"Twenty-one." It probably shouldn't, but it makes you laugh at this point. The horror over how big she was at birth is long over with. "The nurse asked me if the father was a giant."

“Definitely not a giant.” Frankie huffs, knowing that he’s shorter and weighs less than Rachel’s boyfriend. But he can still kick his ass.

"To answer your question..." The three of you go back to eating, finishing up your plates with satisfaction. "I absolutely think about having more kids all the time. That's why I love babysitting so much."

“Yeah….” It’s definitely helped him. He had spent so much time worrying about his home life that he couldn’t properly square things away. He owes you a lot. “You’re great with her.”

"If I ever overstep, you just need to tell me." It's been a lot of years since you took care of your own infant. Parenting advice has definitely changed. And as much as you might dream about having another kid, Luna is not your baby. She's Frankie's and that means he has the last word on decisions for her.

“I doubt you could overstep.” He argues but he nods when you just stare at him. “But I will let you know.”

"So..." When the last bite is off her plate, Rachel sits back in her chair with her coffee mug in both hands. "I'm going to go to Ben's..." she repeats her thought from earlier with both eyebrows raised. "All day. Probably for two days...you guys...gonna do anything special?"

Frankie cuts his eyes over to Rachel, knowing exactly what she’s going to be doing thanks to Ben’s fat fucking mouth before he knew she was his daughter. “Talking.” He grunts. “Cutting the grass. Cleaning my guns.”

"Dad..." Since she broke the ice on using that title, Rachel has embraced it. "No guns on Ben."

“No promises.” Frankie huffs. “Fucker deserves it.” He shrugs his shoulders when she squawks at him. “What? I won’t hit anything vital!”

"Sorry, Rach." You snicker softly, under your breath. "This is part of having a Dad."

“I don’t think I like this part.” Rachel rolls her eyes playfully and Frankie rolls his right back.

“Yeah, will I don’t like knowing how my daughter gives a blowjob. So we’re even.”

"Okey dokey." Instantly shooting up from the table, you focus entirely on picking up Luna without looking at Rachel or Frankie. "Gonna take the baby into the living room. I'll clean up later."

“Sorry.” Frankie apologizes as you whisk out of the room like your pants are on fire. “Shouldn’t have said that.”

"She'll get over it." Rachel does smile though, a small and embarrassed expression on her face. "Ben feels like an asshole for talking the way he did, for the record. He apologized to me, too. Even though I don't really care."

“We’ve all talked that way before.” Frankie can admit that. The only reason it became a problem is because of who she is to him. Otherwise, he wouldn’t care. “But it’s good he apologized. He really loves you.”

"And I really love him." She promises, absolutely serious. "As his friend, I hope you know that."

“Even as your dad.” It’s a title that always makes him smile when either one of them uses it. “I want you to be with someone who loves you. That’s all I want. He’s a good man.”

"I know it's new..." she sips her coffee as they sit together. "But do you mind that I've started using that name?"

“No.” That’s something he would never mind. “Not at all, I’m….glad you feel comfortable calling me ‘Dad’.” He admits with a small smile. “Just hope that one day that you’re proud that I am your dad.”

"I am proud." Even when he was just her boyfriend's friend, she had always liked Frankie a lot. He's a good guy who doesn't give himself nearly enough credit. "I'm proud of Mom and I'm proud of you, too."

“That…that’s great.” He nods, enjoying the conversation and feeling proud of the fact that she is happy to know him.

"I'm going to clean up and go to Ben's." Pushing back from the table and standing, Rachel puts one hand out to squeeze his shoulder and starts to pick up dishes and stack them in her arms. "Whatever you and Mom end up talking about...just know how much she loves you. My whole life she's never looked at another guy the way she looks at you. I know you mean the world to her."

“You have no reason to really believe me, because of me being gone from your life the entire time you were growing up, but I don’t want to hurt her. Ever again.” Frankie promises. “I think we deserve to be happy.”

"I think so, too." Rachel agrees, but instead of letting the moment get too serious, she throws her father a grin and nods toward the backyard. "So go mow the lawn so she can have a good ogle. I'll clean up from breakfast before I go."

Frankie snorts, aware that her knowledge of that meant she had been eavesdropping, but he doesn’t mind it. “Thanks,” he tosses her his own grin and pushes back from the table to at least clear his plate. “Plus, it’ll be good for her not to have to do the grass.”

******

“I don’t think you will be less than a mama to her.” He hums as he transfers the baby into your arms. “She will only know you as her mother, especially the way you already love her.”

“Sounds like you’re planning on staying.” And while it’s just an observation, your heart leaps up into your throat so you have to swallow it back done just to breathe.

“If that’s what we decide.” He won’t push his way in. Luna yawns and leans her head against your shoulder in a move that makes him smile. “We can talk about it later. She’s sleepy and I need a shower.”

“I’ll put her down for her nap. You go clean up, love.” Honestly? You dread the thought of Frankie leaving again. Even having him leave to go to work will have you in a state of anxiety for a while, even if you’re doing your best to hold it together for the girls’ sakes. Luna needs a steady caregiver and Rachel absolutely does not need to see you anxious or worrying over her father.

“Come talk to me after you get her down?” He asks, knowing it won’t take him long to shower. He would probably be dressed by the time you get her down.

“Absolutely.” Not having to talk over the baby’s head is a good place to start, if nothing else. You lean in when he moves to kiss your cheek again and then part, with Frankie heading to the bathroom and you heading into what is now Luna’s nursery.

Frankie has been trained by the military. He was never an untidy person to start, but an entire career in the Army had taught him how to clean and be efficient in showering. He does take a little more time today, trimming his beard and shaving, wanting to clean up a little more for you.

As predicted, by the time you get Luna settled down for her nap, you hear the shower shut off down the hall. A small stop off in your own room might just be to check your hair and that you haven’t had a bit of bacon stuck in your teeth all morning. Once you’ve decided he’s had enough time to dress and you can’t stall anymore, you grab the baby monitor and go down the hall to knock on his door.

Because of the shaving, Frankie is still wrapped in a towel, secured at his waist. Still, he doesn’t hesitate. “Come in.”

"Luna's down for her uh— her, her nap," you report, only barely stammering when you see Frankie standing by the bed and sighing inwardly at the way your mouth runs dry.

“Good.” He doesn’t smirk, although he wants to. You alternate between staring and looking away in embarrassment.

"It's gonna be hard to talk if I can't look you in the eye." Which is stupid, because it's not like he wasn't the first person in the world you were naked with – but here you are flustered like a teenager all over again.

“Does it bother you?” Frankie asks, looking down. “That I’m not dressed? You knocked on my door.”

"It doesn't bother me." But you do feel the need to clarify, for the sake of the situation. "It's just very distracting."

“Distracting, huh?” Frankie was never more confident than he was with you and since being here, that has started to come back. “Wonder why that is.”

"Because you're handsome, Francisco," you huff, fully amused, and roll your eyes at him for effect.

“And you’re gorgeous, gatita.” He murmurs.

"We should probably have that talk." Instinctively, shutting the door comes with stepping inside, even though it isn't necessary. Maybe it's a leftover reflex from seeking privacy in the apartments where you grew up.

“Okay.” Frankie moves over to the dresser to grab a pair of sweats to slide on under the towel so you won’t be uncomfortable.

"You want to go first?" The only place in the room to sit is on the guest bed, and you perch on the end with your hands under your thighs and nerves jittering out of control.

“You look like you need get things off your chest.” Frankie hums. “You can go first.”

"I'm just...trying to think about what comes next." Your fingers twist in the blanket, making you look even more nervous than you feel. "I make plenty enough to support this family while you get things cleared up with your license. This is a stable home for Luna with actual family to help look after her. "If what you want is to be back together, we're in a very good position to make it work."

“I have my retirement.” Frankie reminds you. “I don’t expect you to support us. I want to take care of you too.” He never wants to take advantage of you. He wants to give you more than he ever takes.

"Do you actually still enjoy flying? Is it something you want to get back to? Or is it what you were doing because you were made to?" It's a fair question, and one you don't ask easily. But you get the feeling that before this, Frankie didn't get a lot of options.

“I love it.” Frankie admits. “I’m fucking good at it, completely in love with it. Why?”

"I wasn't sure if Marie had given you a chance to actually choose what you love to do, instead of just what would make money," you admit. "I was going to offer that you could take your time. Pursue whatever you wanted to, or even be a stay at home Dad for a while if that's something that interests you. I just..." One hand sneaks out from under your thigh and reaches for him as you sit on the bed. "I want you to be happy, baby. Truly happy."

“I—” Frankie’s never thought about being a stay at home dad. “I volunteered for flight school. Being in the air, flying, it’s like second nature to me now.” He tells you, kneeling down in front of you. “But…I wouldn’t mind staying home with Luna.” He admits. “I would be happy with that for a bit. I could fly part time. Spend most of it with her, still get my thrills from flying.”

"I don't want you to do what you feel you have to." That point can't have enough emphasis for you. It really is the backbone of everything you want for his future – that it is a future he chooses for himself out of passion and excitement. "If flying is what you want to do, then find the job that makes you the most excited. That lets you balance and be happy and not run yourself into the ground like I know you've been doing because you're still the same Frankie that I fell in love with when we were just kids."

“What I have to do is to be a good example to Luna, to Rachel.” He tells you. “To give them everything I can and make you happy too.”

"And I have every faith that you'll do that." Just once, you lost your faith in Frankie Morales because of fear. You're not going to let it happen again, when you're finally in a position for both of you to really have everything you've ever wanted.

“Can I kiss you again?” Frankie asks, looking into your eyes.

It's like feeling a light switch flip somewhere in your body, and you light up all over. Including your brightest smile. "I really want you to."

Frankie smiles, huffing out a small laugh as he lunges forward and presses his lips to yours again.

The momentum tips you backward on the bed, laying you out on the bed underneath him and making you reach up to grab his shoulders to steady yourself. It's not a small kiss or a tentative one, but one that blots out the rest of the world, making sure the only thing you can possibly think of is him.

It’s been a long time since he has been so enthusiastic about kissing someone, but this is just like your first time all over again. He’s nervous, excited. Age and experience are the only things keeping his hips from rocking an already hard erection against your stomach as he covers your body with his own.

If anyone was trying to tell the difference between you and Frankie as teenagers and you and Frankie now, they would find the task almost impossible. An all-consuming kiss, wandering grasping hands, and only the barest thread of restraint are all hallmarks of the two of you together. If he had still been wearing that towel it would be gone in an instant, but as it is one of your hands slides all the way down to the waistband of his sweatpants and grips in earnest.

“Fuck.” Drowning in you is where he wants to stay. Barely breathing and pulling himself away to kiss down your neck. Wanting to kiss every inch of you. “I— I got checked out.” He groans against your neck. “Physical. I’m clean.”

The pause that gives you is immediate, freezing under him in embarrassment. “I—I haven’t yet. Since…it’s only been a few days. I have condoms though.” With all the upheaval since ending things with Santiago, getting tested had slipped your mind.

“It’s – Pope’s clean.” He knows his brother in arms. He knows how the man is. He might have been a man whore before, but he doesn’t sleep with multiple women. If he was with you, he was tested and only slept with you. “Whatever makes you comfortable.”

“I—” Maybe its impulsive. Or overly emotional. But when Frankie meets your eyes all you can do is tell him the truth. “I just want to feel you again.”

Frankie groans and nods, nudging his nose against yours and kissing you again. “I want that too.” He insists, pulling away to start peeling your clothes off of you as efficiently as possible.

The pair of leggings and light dress you had reached for this morning in an effort for minimal fuss might as well be nothing at all in the face of Frankie’s determination. The thin cotton dress is up over your head in no time and the leggings peel off of you with all the difficulty of a two-piece puzzle. “I didn’t expect this…” you admit quietly, telling him I’m not so many words that you would have at least picked a matching bra and panties set this morning if you thought there was a possibility he would see them.

“Neither did I,” his smooth cheek would suggest otherwise, but he grins and leans down to kiss down your chest. “But I don’t care about panties, hair, or anything else. I just want you.”

It’s useless that he felt the need to put on pants, because now you’re pushing them off his hips with both hands and biting back a groan at the softness of him. He’s filled out, because of course he has, and the scars from his missions echo your stretch marks in all the years that have been lost between you.

“Gatita…” Your nickname comes out like a prayer, his lips worshipping every inch of your skin.

“Bet it’s been a while since you’ve groaned that name.” It’s certainly been long enough since you heard it like that, a fact that shivers through you with increasing excitement.

“Not true.” He admits with a small smirk as he looks up at you. “You were still my favorite jerk off memory.”

“Still moaning my name while you get yourself off?” Someone that’s simultaneously the sweetest and filthiest thing you’ve heard in ages and you open your legs wider to let him rest in that valley between your thighs. “Let’s see if we can give you something new to think about.”

He gives another filthy groan, aware that things have changed, but he doesn’t care. Your stretch marks are gorgeous to him, you gave birth to his child. Every mark is special. You are just as sexy to him as you were when you both were teenagers. He pulls your bra down and wraps his lips around one nipple as he slides his fingers between your folds to find your clit.

“Fuck, Frankie!” Careful not to be too loud since Luna is napping down the hall, you bite back letting a real shout out and it turns into more of a growl. Your hands are on him instantly, grasping at his shoulders, curling in his hair, and holding him in tight against you as your hips snap up to seek out his thick fingers.

He chuckles darkly, very pleased to find that you are reactive and vocal in your older years. Keeping you quiet had been a favorite game of his.

It isn’t really that different from when you were young. The desire is there as clear as day, coursing through you and sparking with every touch. Every kiss is endlessly deep, like you hold the key to each other’s lives somewhere inside yourselves and the hunt for that missing piece is as deliberate as it is lazy.

Fingers circle your throbbing sex, slicking themselves up with the arousal that is pouring out of you before he dips them inside. Remembering how you loved to be fingered when you were younger, even letting him do it on the subway under a jacket.

If it were anyone else, you might be embarrassed at how thoroughly dripping you are for him already. But Frankie was the first to feel how wet you get from something as simple as being kissed just right, and the hope that is making your pulse beat wildly out of time right now is that he will also be the last. The bookends of your lives might always have been meant to be each other.

The key to making your legs shake and your pussy clench around him is to start slowly. Pushing two fingers deep and curling them up as your walls stretch around him. Groaning at your nipple and flicking his tongue over the stiff peak.

For as well as he remembers your body, it might as well be yesterday that he last touched you and not twenty-five years ago. Your back bows and you moan again, fingernails scraping against his scalp in the way that always makes him growl gorgeously.

“Shit.” Frankie hisses in pleasure, pulling his fingers back and enjoying the sucking sound that they make in your sopping wet pussy. Only to press his thumb to your clit and plunge them back deep again.

The whines and whimpers he pulls from you are as deliberate as any musician playing their instrument in an orchestra. He still plays you expertly. Like muscle memory. He is the one who taught you so much of what brings you pleasure, and you did the same for him. It's all you can do in this moment to get your mind into high gear like the rest of your body, and reach down with one hand and wrap your fingers around his cock.

"Fuck." He groans, rocking his hips up towards the long-wanted touch of your hands. "You always touch me— fuck," he moans your name. "You touch me like no one else ever has."

"Always make me feel so good, baby," you pant out, body twisting every second to be able to be as close to him as possible. "Always want to return the favor."

"You will." He promises. "Let me make you feel good."

"You always do." The promise is absolute, because he really always knows how to make you feel better than anything else ever could.

His fingers continue to pump into you, working you higher and higher as every sensitive nerve ending in your pussy is set on fire by his touch. The tell-tale sign is when your legs begin to shake, thighs tightening and pussy clenching around his fingers. The long strokes of your hand over his cock stutter as pleasure starts to short-circuit your mind, making you forget everything except how good you feel. Frankie has always been good with his hands, but he's definitely learned a few tricks over the years.

Your pussy clenches around his fingers like a vice and he keeps pumping them into you. Wanting to wring you of every second of pleasure you will give him. The quiet cry of his name is like a shot of lightning through his system. "Good girl, fuck gatita. You're so good for me."

It's not you who is being good right now, but Frankie who is treating you so well that when you cry out in pleasure there are actual tears in your eyes. The peak of that pleasure that he's been building you up to is so high that you almost get the sensation of falling when your body finally tenses, shaking you apart at the seams so that the only part of you that hangs on as you start to cum are the parts of you that he has claimed as his own.

His lips still skim over your body as he works you through it. Whispering praises into your skin in Spanish as he watches your face in awe. Struck by how beautiful you are, crushed that he has been so stupid as to walk away so long ago. Determine to make up for lost time.

Whimpering when the aftershocks leave you limp underneath him, both of your hands urge Frankie back up your body, needing to kiss him more than you need air in this moment.

He hums proudly as he shuffles up, kissing you lazily with a grin curving his lips. “Sounds like you just came, gatita.” He teases quietly.

“You’re a menace, Frankie Morales.” The observation is as true now was it was twenty-five years ago.

"Your menace." He adds, smirking slightly as he kisses you again. It sounds amazing, being yours again. He's always been yours in his heart, but now...it's a second chance for both of you.

“I love you, baby.” Another kiss for him is gentler this time. His face is full of promises and his eyes shine bright in the early afternoon light that streams in through his windows.

"I love you." He vows softly, reaching up and caressing your cheek. "I want to make love to you."

“Please.” It might sound like begging, and maybe it is, but it’s been far too long since the last time you laid in this man’s arms and right now you don’t want to be anywhere else.

Every touch is calculated, timed. Meant to show you how much he is cherishing you and this moment means the world to him. He kisses your lips and whispers his love for you once again as he shifts and lines up with your welcoming entrance.

Every stitch of clothing between you is gone along with your inhibitions. Nothing to interrupt you as long as Luna stays asleep and you are definitely not going to do anything to wake up that angel. You'll swallow down every cry or pour it into kissing Frankie and just basking in the beauty of having him back in this moment.

"I love you, gatita." They were the same words that he had whispered to you when he had pushed inside you the first time, repeated now as he slowly starts to sink into you. Watching every micro expression you make as he feels like he is coming home.

“I love you s—so much.” You’ve never been overtly emotional about sex. Not really. You weren’t the kind of girl who cried at the emotional moment of losing your virginity or got choked up over a loving vow made in the heat of the moment. But being so connected with Frankie again almost has you in tears at the sheer rightness of this moment.

Frankie’s arms slide under you, pulling you close as he starts to pull his hips back. Not wanting there to be an inch of space between you when there doesn’t have to be. “It’s okay, I’ve got you.” He whispers. “Not letting you go again.”

The promise rolls through you with such seriousness that you cling to him a little more tightly. “Never going to let you go.” When his hips tilt forward again, filling you and pressing your bodies together just that much tighter, you could swear you feel one of the cracks in your heart knit back together.

His own heart doesn’t ache anymore, the missing piece that has been gaping in his chest is returned to him. Slotted right back into place perfectly and making him whole. Kissing you again as age and emotions make this time last much longer than your first together.

Moans and praises stay stifled not because of a small apartment with family nearby, not because of friends or because the moment is stolen or illicit, but because you’re drowning in kissing each other the entire time. Every movement is fluid, moving one into the other so it is impossible to tell where you end and he begins, all that matters is that you’re not letting go. Nothing else matters if it isn’t something you can do together — because you’ll never be apart again.

Nothing has ever been as magical as this moment, beyond the first moment he held Luna after she was just born. Nothing can compare to the utter tranquility in his soul, the quiet in his mind as he gives and takes from you in equal parts.

Who knows how long you stay in that bed, turning over each other, clinging and moaning low into drawn out kisses. Who knows how long you stay there or how many times you change positions, keeping each other as close as possible while you work through the bliss of reunion up to the precipice of pleasure. By the time his hips start to stutter and the coil of orgasm starts to tug at the pit of your stomach, you’re on top of him — riding him even as you pour your heart into sobbing praise.

Looking up at you in wonder, all he can do is watch as you splinter yourself into pieces on top of him. Mixing and mingling with him until he is tugging you back close and devouring your mouth in another kiss. Breathing his amazement into you.

You shatter together, finding that remarkable peak of pleasure all at once, and holding tight to each other as you ride out the aftershocks as one.

It goes on forever. Or at least it seems too. Both of you drifting down together until you are collapsed against his chest and breathless. Frankie aching with the first good pain he’s felt in such a long time.

“I love you, baby.” This is it. This is home. The closest to paradise you have ever been or will ever be is in this man’s arms and you’re not going to let another second of your life pass without him being a part of it.

“I love you too, gatita.” He wraps an arm around you and strokes your bare back softly. “I had a thought today, one that’s horrible, but it’s true.” You hum, lifting up to your elbow to look at him curiously. “I wished that you were Luna’s mother. That she was our second baby together.” He chuckles. “Or that late in life ‘whoops’.”

“You never know,” you hum softly, cradled on his chest with your knees still bracketing his hips. If you never move again, you’ll be only too happy to be this close to him. “I still have a couple of years in me as far as baby making goes. Only a few, but they’re still there. And Luna…Frankie, I already love her. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t give birth to her myself.”

His brow lifts in surprise. “Would you really want that?” He asks seriously. “Another baby? With me?”

“I don’t know if it’s possible or safe,” you remind him gently, lifting your head to kiss him again. “But what if I made an appointment with my doctor to get checked out? Let her tell us if it’s a bad idea before we get our hearts set on it?”

“Whatever you want.” Frankie agrees. “I’m clean.” He promises you softly. “I’m never touching any of that shit ever again.” He told you about the coke and you had taken it surprisingly well, but he wants to remind you that he’s serious.

"I know, love." It was a long and twisted road that led him to that, and Marie was the one driving the proverbial car, so you know it's behind him for sure. But you also know Rachel would never forgive him if he relapsed and something happened to little Luna, and he has the love of two daughters hanging in the balance now. "I also know, whatever happens, I love you and I'm going to be right here at your side."

“My license is going to be reinstated.” He whispers quietly. “One of the board members told me. It’s not official yet, but he….wanted to let me know.”

"Honey that's— that's fantastic." You dive in to kiss him again before reluctantly sliding off of him, letting yourself be tucked into his side instead. "We're gonna make it work this time, Frankie. Every bit of it."

“Even if I don’t fly right away, I have my retirement. My disability.” He promises. “I can help you. I need to help you.”

"We'll make up a budget, and we'll make sure everyone is contributing to the house somehow." The grin playing at your lips is soft, and you brush some hair out of his eyes. "Luna can contribute with giggles. The adults will take care of the rest."

“She also blows great raspberries.” He jokes, still slowly caressing your back and hoping this moment never ends.

As if the mention of her name was enough, the sounds of movement from over the baby monitor are nondescript for a minute or so before the soft cooing of a wakening baby turns to the blustering that comes before cries. "Well..." you huff a small laugh and lift yourself up on your elbow. "At least she let us finish."

Frankie laughs and taps your hip. “I’ll get her.” He promises.

"I'm gonna clean up and then I'll meet you downstairs?" The domesticity of the whole thing makes you smile, and you lay back on the pillow again to admire him as he hauls himself out of bed to pull on his boxers and grabs the baby monitor.

Frankie coos when he opens the door, instantly moving over to the crib to get Luna out. “It’s okay, baby girl. Daddy’s gotcha.”

It is okay. Life may not be perfect yet but the promise of it is there. He has you back, he has both of his daughters, and he’s going to make it work this time. You all are. As a family.

______

Master Tags: @pixiedurango @chattychell @winter-fox-queen @lady-himbo @artsymaddie @princess76179 @paintballkid711 @missminkylove @pedrosbrat @ew-erin @sarahjkl82-blog @sharkbait77 @justanotherblonde23 @lv7867 @recklesswit @mylittlesenaar @f0rever15elf @gallowsjoker @steeevienicks @athalien @sherala007 @skvatnavle @thatpinkshirt @jaime1110 @girlimjusttryingtoreadfanfics @goodgriefitsawildworld @greeneyedblondie44 @littlemousedroid @harriedandharassed @churchill356 @ajathegreats-blog @haylzcyon   @beardsanddetectives @kirsteng42 @ladykatakuri @adancedivasmom @madiebear @tanzthompson @emilianamason @bigsdinger @xocalliexo @pedr0swh0r3 @avaleineandafryingpan @charlyrmv @avidreader73 @iceclaw101 @loveslide @elegantduckturtle @becsworld @julesonrecord @its-nebuleuse @itsrubberbisquit @mikeyswifie @guelyury @lizzie-cakes @for-a-longlongtime @vabeachazn @purplerain04 @weho2kcmo @madnessofadaydreamer @shakespeareanwannabe

TSR: @yesjazzywazzylove-blog @darkheartgatita @anoverwhelmingdin @thisishwrworld

My Masterlist!

[thetriumphantpanda]

i don't really wanna fight, 'cause nobody's gonna win | javier peña

Take The Weight Off His Shoulders - Chapter Eight

Chapter Summary | A little slice of domesticity wasn't ever going to be enough to cover the stress of the story unfolding on your desk, but it was worth a shot right?

Chapter Warnings | Mentions of drugs and the drug trade, work frustrations, explicit smut, fingering, unprotected PiV smut, creampie, dirty talk, we ride this man like our LIFE depends on it and some ANGST (I'm sorry, it had to happen sometime.)

Pairing | dbf!Javier Peña x F!Reader

Word Count | 3.2k

Authors Note | OOOOOF okay we're back with these two. Real life has been kicking my ass so I'm sorry this took so long - but we're moving into the tail end of this now so prepare yourselves for even more drama! Thank you for being so patient with me and waiting for this - I hope you enjoy it. If you are enjoying this then reblogs and comments really do help and if you’d like to support me further, please consider a donation to my Ko-Fi. 

I no longer use taglists. Please follow @thetriumphantpandanotifs to be notified of new updates.

Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist | Ko-Fi | Series Playlist

The words on the deed to the drug den in town are all forming into one - you’re not actually sure they’re in the English language anymore. You’ve been staring at the pages for what feels like a full week, even if you’d only spread them out for reading on your desk this morning. You don’t know what to do. There is, of course, the obvious option, of walking right up to their front door and asking what the hell is going on, but the more you dig, the more you think there’s something bigger going on here.

You pour over your notes, trying to make sense of it all. It was nothing to do with Tyler Johnson, but it had something to do with his family, that was for sure. There’s no way that this whole thing would have been brushed under the rug and dealt with by the police saying ‘oh well, we don’t know’ if there wasn’t something incriminating behind it all. You tried not to think about that possibly meaning your dad was implicated somewhere along the line.

Instead of sitting around and feeling useless, considering the words on the page weren’t leading you anywhere at all, you tidy up your desk, stick your head around your managers door to tell her you were heading out for the story, and you get in your car and drive.

They lead such dull lives, is all you can really think at this point. The sun is setting and it’s finally starting to cool a little. The thought process had been simple, if you weren’t going to catch them in the act on paper, you would have to catch them in the act for real - whatever that act might be.

You’d started with Tyler’s dad, following behind him as he went about mayoral business, driving from his office to some meeting in town and then back again. You’d waited an hour in the parking lot to see if he moved again, but gave up after a while. Deciding on following Tyler’s brother instead - but he’d been more of the same. You’d found him getting into his car at work once the day was done, driving to the grocery store and then going home. That was it. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Thinking about it, what would you even do if you did find them doing something? Tyler’s brother getting a package handed to him down a dark alley - there’s no way to get any proof, you don’t have a camera, and no-one’s going to believe you against them. The more you sit there, the more you think maybe you should have taken the story at face value, published it and moved on.

You suppose that these kinds of operations take time and patience - two things you were running seriously low on by now. You’re thinking of all the time’s Javi must have needed to do this - sitting around in a car waiting to catch someone doing something and wondered how he’d lasted so long. You weren’t made for this kind of work.

Sighing to yourself, you turn the key in the ignition and head home, trying not to let the frustration bubble over. You just had to wait. Bide your time. Surely somewhere along the line you’d catch someone doing something.

“You look stressed.”

You look at Javi through your eyelashes, taking a sip from the glass of wine in front of you on the counter. Your parents were taking their two week annual vacation - some place near the coast in Florida. You remember going when you were little, playing in the sand and swimming. They’d invited you this year but now you were older, it didn’t hold quite the same amount of charm as it used to, so you’d opted to stay at home.

The upside to not getting to lounge in the sun for two weeks was definitely this though. Javier Peña, hunched over the hob, sleeves of his shirt rolled up, cooking dinner for you. It was dangerous to think about how domestic it was, but you couldn’t deny how nice it felt. There was no-one to lie to about why you were late home from work for now, no need to rush through whatever it was that the two of you were doing.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t need to be sorry,” He smiles at you, picking up his beer bottle to drink from, “You want to talk about it?”

You shake your head, “It’s alright, just stuff at work.”

“In all my years of working with journalists,” He speaks, stirring the pot of sauce in front of him, “I don’t think any of them were ever as stressed as you.”

“I just care about my work.”

“So did they,” He counters, picking a strand of spaghetti from the pot to test to see if it’s cooked, “Just trying to say there isn’t a story out there worth getting this worked up over.”

“I appreciate it,” You mumble, “But can we not talk about work?”

He holds his hands up in surrender, focusing his attention on dishing up the food - spaghetti with tomato sauce. It’s simple and you know it’s probably the limit of his cooking ability outside of being able to grill meat on fire, but it’s the thought that counts. You sit at the dining table and eat together, talking about nothing really, just enough to fill the silence. Even though he cooked, he insists on clearing up and packaging the leftovers for you to eat tomorrow.

You sit and watch TV on the couch and when it gets late enough and your head starts to rest on his shoulder, Javi asks if you want to go to bed.

“I do,” You answer, “But not to sleep.”

So he slowly leads you up the stairs and into your room, softly closing the door behind him. You settle yourself under your sheets, pushing them back on the other side for him as he takes off everything he’s wearing apart from his underwear and gets into bed with you. He shuffles you around so your back in pressed to his front, his big hands wandering from your hips up to your chest, where he gently cups one of your tits in his hands over the shirt you’re wearing.

You can feel his mouth trailing kissing up your shoulder until he reaches the delicate skin behind your ear, the tickle of his facial hair there making goosebumps rise on your skin, regardless of how warm it is under your sheets.

“What do you want?” He whispers softly, snaking his free arm under your neck so the side of your face is pillowed against it.

You don’t answer, you just take hold of his wrist, dragging his hand from your chest to the waistband of your shorts. You let his hand go then, feeling his big palm cup you through the material, “Like this?” He asks, teeth nipping at your ear lobe.

“No,” You shake your head, “Under.”

That big hand drags up just a little, fingers finding the waistband again, dipping below this time. He tuts into your ear when he finds you bare, having not bothered with underwear when you’d changed out of your work clothes.

His hand is warm against your skin as it envelops you again, fingers dipping ever so slightly between the folds of your pussy to find you already wet, it doesn’t take much at all when he’s around.

Fingers dragging through the slick, up to circle your clit, he speaks again, “Like this?” He asks, feather-light touches of his fingers making you gasp.

“Y-yeah,” You choke out, “Just like that.”

So that’s what he does - let’s you rest your head against his arm, lazily rolling his finger across that bundle of nerves like he has all the time in the world for making you feel good. It’s slow, the only punctuation to his fingers are the moans he lets out into your ear whenever he pushes his hips against the plush of your ass, his bulge prominent against the clothes that are separating you.

“I want you to come for me,” He whispers gently a little while later, teeth biting gently into the skin of your shoulder, “Can you be a good girl and do that for me?”

You nod your head, unable to speak through the short, sharp gasps that the friction between your legs is drawing out from you. He speeds up a little, lets his finger add more pressure there. He lets you roll your hips, chasing at the high that is just there, coiling in your tummy. Your body starts to shake, thighs clamping down on his hands as he brings you over the edge.

“Fuck yeah,” He rasps into your ear, “So fucking pretty when you come for me, mi querida.”

Through the haze of pleasure, you can feel him rolling you over, pressing your back into the sheets. He’s settling between your thighs, pulling your shorts off altogether, but you don’t want it like this, so you press a palm to his warm chest to stop him.

“I want…” You trail off, “I think I want to be on top.”

You watch his eyebrows raise a little but he doesn’t protest, because of course he doesn’t, he simply lies himself back down on his side of the bed and waits for you. You let yourself straddle his thighs, marvelling just a little at the bulge of his underwear, before you’re hooking your fingers into the waistband to drag them just far enough down his thighs to let his cock spring free, resting on his lower stomach.

Shuffling up his thighs a little, you lower yourself, letting your soaked folds drag across his length whilst your mouth moves up to suckle at the skin of his neck. You can feel his hands on the globes of your ass, helping to drag you up and down his cock.

“Feels good, doesn’t it?” He asks as you moan when the head of his cock brushes against your still-sensitive clit.

You don’t have any words, so you press yourself up, palms against his chest as you lift your hips just enough for him to reach between you, base of his cock fisted in his hand, to nudge at the weeping hole of your cunt. He holds it there for you as you slowly start to sink down onto him, moaning with your head thrown back at the stretch of taking him inside. When you reach the bottom, feeling him sucked right into the depths of you, you stay still, rolling your hips a little, feeling him so deep inside you.

Javi brings his hands to your hips, looking up at you as he guides your movements, slow forwards movements matched with even slower movements backwards, until the two of you are panting together.

You push yourself back, letting your arms fall behind you onto his knees, which have come up to rest against your backside, slowly starting to lift off him until he’s almost all the way out of the tight heat of your cunt, then you slide back down onto him, finding a rhythm of bouncing up and down on his cock.

Javi moves one of his hands from your hips, letting the flat palm run up your stomach, through the valley of your tits to lightly grip at the base of your neck. He doesn’t add any pressure, just holds his hand there, but you can feel the effect it has on you, pussy clenching around his length as you continue to bounce up and down on him.

“Look so fucking pretty like this,” He manages to choke out between moans, “Like you were made to be right here bouncing on my cock.”

“I-I think I’m g-gonna come again.” You hiss, feeling that familiar tightening in your tummy.

“Yeah?” He goads, but not unkindly, “You gonna come around my cock for me?”

To help you get there, Javi starts to thrust up into you, hand still at the base of your neck, hitting into your perfectly on your downward motion to fill you right to your depths, making your orgasm hit you head on. You feel yourself tighten around him, body collapsing forward to rest against his chest as he fucks you through the aftershocks of your climax, gripping onto your ass to keep you spread so he can find his own high, thrusting a handful of times before he’s stilling inside you, spilling himself inside with moans right into your ear.

He slips out of you as he softens, shifting you so you’re led down, both catching your breath.

“Sorry, I should have asked about that.” He mumbles, and it takes you a minute to realise he’s talking about coming inside you.

“It’s okay,” You say, turning your head to smile at him, “Although it does mean I have to go to the bathroom now.”

You drag yourself up onto all fours onto your bed, dragging yourself to the door to cover yourself in your robe before you leave Javi in your room to head to the bathroom.

He doesn’t know why he does it. In hindsight, it was out of order, but when you close the door behind you, he can’t help himself. He stands up, pulls his underwear back up and puts the rest of his clothes back on. Then he sits down on your edge of the bed and gingerly opens the top drawer of your bedside table.

There’s nothing much of note in there, a few lip balms and an old notebook, but that’s it. He opens the bottom one next, which is much more full, mainly with notebooks and sheets of paper. He knows he shouldn’t, but he reaches in and picks the first up, flicking it open to a random page somewhere in the middle, running his thumb across a loose sheet of paper before his eyes circle in on what the paper actually is.

It’s a newspaper article, reporting on Escobar’s death. When Javi looks underneath the paper there are notes written in your handwriting, detailing parts of the story that are interesting. He flicks to another page, another article about Escobar dying, with more of your handwritten notes. He can feel the panic rising in his chest, threatening to take hold of his throat.

He puts that notebook on the bed, reaches in and picks another up, flicking through to find more of the same - articles about the entire Escobar case, more handwritten notes - some written in red ink that only ever say his name with a question mark, like you’re asking yourself if he was responsible for the ill-reported heroics. Javi is too caught up in flicking through that he forgets about your return, letting you catch him red-handed when you come back through the door.

“What are you doing?” You ask, making him look up.

Your eyes are wide, like you’re shocked to find him with your notebooks in his lap.

“What’s all this?” He asks, instead of answering your question.

You surge forward, grabbing the notebook from his lap, slapping it shut, picking up the other one and then shoving them back in the drawer, “Did you go through my things?” He can tell from your tone that you’re worked up.

“Why do you have all of that?” Javi asks, standing up from the bed to take some steps away from you.

“It’s not what you think.”

“Well then tell me what it is.” He’s getting more annoyed as the moments go past.

“It was for my degree,” You say, shifting from foot-to-foot, “I don’t understand what the problem is?”

“The problem is, it’s all fucking lies!” He runs a hand over his face, more annoyed at himself for shouting at you than anything else, “It’s all fucking lies and you believe it.”

He watches as your face drops, he can see the glassing over of your eyes, “I-” You try to speak, “I’m sorry?” It’s more of an offering, like you don’t know what else to do.

“All of that shit?” He asks, pointing to the now closed drawer, “Fucking propaganda for this country to seem like it had control, when all it fucking did was make everything worse.”

“Javi, please,” You beg now, taking a step towards him with your hands open in surrender, “Why don’t you sit down and take a breath?”

He can feel himself shaking his head, stepping backwards until he can feel the handle of your door, twisting it to open. He thinks he’s saying sorry, telling you that he’s sorry, but he doesn’t know. All he knows is that he has to get out of there and away from you, almost running from the house and into his truck.

It’s not until he’s halfway to home that he can feel that panic take over, pulling over on the side of the road, knuckles turning white as he grips the steering wheel. He takes some deep breaths, trying to understand why his brain has gone from 0-100 so quickly, and all he can think of is that you’re just like everyone else in this damn town, thinking that he was a hero, that he’d played his part properly, correctly, in bringing that bastard down. I’d the wondering about what you’d think of him if you knew what he’d really done, the amount of blood actually on his hands, the fact he wasn’t here there when Murphy shot the bastard.

It’s that feeling of inadequacy that haunt him in bed that night, led against the pillows, other side cold and empty when all he wishes is that he’d stayed, let you curl into him so that he could get at least a few hours of rest. Even though he never stays the night, always leaving you with a press of lips to your head, the small hours of the morning where you’re sleeping against him are the most peaceful he thinks he’s ever had.

So, staring at his ceiling, red numbers from his clock staring him down as the hours pass, all he can think about it what the fuck he’s going to do, how he’s going to explain that this has nothing to do with you and what it had to do with your degree, and everything to do with the way he thinks if you knew exactly what had happened, outside of what the American press has told you, you’d probably hate him.

[vad-hander]

YOU KNOW WE'RE NOT COMPATIBLE, RIGHT?

pairing: Haechan x reader

others: Mark, Jaemin, Jeno as Haechan's friends.

genre: smut | angst | fluff | college AU | fuck buddies AU to lovers | series

warnings: reader is mean and degrading towards Haechan throughout the fic (but nothing serious), mentions of drugs and alcohol, mentions of stealing, Haechan gets injured (breaks his leg, no graphic descriptions), explicit description of sexual interactions between Haechan and reader, unrequited love, reader has issues with showing her feelings, scared of other people's opinion, slowburn, romance

words: 13,7k

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3

“Hey.”

“Hey.” your head lifted at the sound of your roommate. 

“He's left already?” you felt your lips form a smile unconsciously. 

“Yeah, I literally cannot look into my computer a minute longer.” you sighed dramatically, shutting down the laptop on your knees after you got notified all the work was finally saved and dropped against the back rest. 

It was your 8th working session in the past two weeks with Haechan. You’ve never seen Lee Haechan so often, never had to sit right next to him in pure quietness for hours and try to have some sort of thinking process. 

It was difficult any way you looked at it and you were glad he was finally gone. At least, for the evening. 

Apparently, Jeno needed his help immediately and Haechan could never say no to a friend in need, which is a quote. 

Talking of needs, you wondered what happened to this man’s needs since having him as a working partner seemed to somehow kill his hormones. Even when you very much intentionally set a couple of your meetings in his house the boy didn’t lay a single finger on you. 

Figuratively speaking, because in fact the only thing he laid on you in those past 2 weeks were his palms. On your shoulder, or leg but it didn’t go past a teasing touch and you were confused beyond and above. 

“I can imagine studying with Lee Haechan be tiring.” she cackled, placing her body on the armrest next to you. Her hand going under her head for support, making the girl take a half laying position on an armrest close to you, almost pressing her body to yours. 

You probably reeked Haechan since the boy was practically attached to you at your hip for the past 5 hours, you were afraid she’d be able to pinpoint the scent of him, or more honestly you didn’t want her to ruin that scent with her fresh meadow scented deodorant. 

“He’s actually doing a good job.” you smiled awkwardly, noticing the eyes of your friend. A cunning fox type of stare wasn’t a good thing coming from Eunsoo, you could not wonder immediately if she saw how handsy Haechan was before he left and was testing the waters before jumping onto you with questions? Did she hear him asking if you’re free tomorrow night? Or worse, did she see him rub his face against your neck, saying he needed a break to distract his thoughts for a later on better thinking process? 

In all honesty, Haechan rubbed his face against you too many times during your sessions to go unnoticed by people around and the amount of times you were in fact ready to help him distract his brain and he never proceeded with the action made you tired, upset and even slightly annoyed. 

“What, what is this smile?” you laughed it off awkwardly, very awkwardly,  to be completely honest. You looked away to hide your eye twitch. 

“Surprised you’re not ripping hair off your head after every working session with him.” she laughed, and… it felt lie she maybe testet the water...? Did she try to tap on the fact you didn’t really hate spending time next to him?

“I-, he-, it’s funny to say, he’s good with academic studies, apparently, and if he’s not just typing gibberish into the laptop I think we might even be one of the top students.” you chuckled. “Oh, by the way, we left some food in the fridge, if you’re hungry.”

“We?” she teased with a smirk.

“My God, Eunsoo.” your eyes rolled backwards.

“No, it’s a good thing, I guess.”

“What is a good thing?”

“We’re not hating on Haechan anymore, right?” 

“I don’t think anybody actually really hated him in our friend group... except for Sua?" your thoughts trailed off before you got back "Why are you asking, anyway?”

“Ugh-agh.” she swallowed and fixed the hair on her head. 

“You’ve got something you wanted to say, don't you?” 

“Me? No? I was just testing the waters.“ your heart missed a beat because you were totally right. You cleared your throat in an attempt to unnoticeably calm your heart down.   

“Testing the waters, huh?“ still, you couldn’t keep yourself from shuffling, having to stand up and actually move around the room to not seem suspicious to your friend that acted way too suspicious herself. 

“Since you two are seem to be more friendly than before, not to jump far too ahead, but we all can be… friends… now?” she questioned, shaking her head a little as if the thought alone was still a little bewildering to her. It did seem bewildering to you too, every one of you being close to each other, being friends. “I thought I could ask you once again if you’d like to go on the boat trip that happens to be next weekend?“

“I don’t know.“ You shook your head with no answer. 

Maybe you should come, for your friends, for Eunsoo, not mind Haechan, his presence and presence of all his friends. At the end of the day, you don’t even have to look at each other, but on the other hand avoiding him could give him the wrong idea, the idea that your feelings for him have changed?

“Ya, look.” Eunsoo clapped, as her voice went a little louder, making you come back to reality “’I don’t know is much more of a better answer than a straight up no. Haechan must’ve shaken your ground, huh?“ her brows went up and down playfully. 

“Yeah, sure. He’s such a charming, lovely and smart guy I suddenly couldn’t imagine us part ways for the weekend, now that we’re all BFFs.“ Eunsoo laughed.

“Oh please don’t go in detail about your newly found passion in Haechan, I still have food to digest.“ She gagged jokingly. “Anyway, I’ma bout to shake your ground even more.“

“I’m all ears.“ You wiggled your brows playfully.

“The boat trip is free.“ you gasped, squinting your eyes in confusion.

“How come? How’d you make Jeno agree to that? What did you promise him?“ You jumped up to your friend, hand on your heart in concern.

“Nothing, I didn’t need to-“

“Jeno himself suggested I’m coming for free?“ you stared at her wide-eyed, trying to get a secret out of her that she obviously wasn’t keeping too well. 

“Ugh, not really-“ Eunsoo tried to get an answer out of her mouth but her brain was definitely not cooperating and you didn’t want to stop asking questions at the kinda exciting news. You took a moment in your brain to question yourself. Why exactly did the thought excite you so much? Jeno was practically a stranger to you. “So did you ask him to? Soo-yah, I’m starting to think he might have a crush… on me…? Of all people?!“ you couldn’t hold back a giggle. 

“I don’t-“ The girl paused calmly.

“He wants me to come no matter what? If he’s saying it’s free suddenly? I’m sure Sua and Aeri transferred him money last week.“ 

“Ugh… you sorta got it right.“ She sighed.

“Wh-“ you started confused “No, what?“ You spoke louder. “What did he say? What did he say?“ You pulled onto Eunsoo’s hand for more info, like an excited puppy.

“He just asked if you decided on coming… I said no, you’re not going to be there so he just said I can take you with me…” she paused and then suddenly continued “Said you have to be there no matter what so I’m here asking you if you’d come if it was free?“

“Should I?“ You chuckled.

“If you want to?“ She spoke awkwardly, you had to take a step back and recollect yourself. 

“Hey, I… actually, I thought Jeno had a thing for you and you two were slowly drifting in that direction? What happened with that? Thats very out of the blue…? Him wanting to see me there. When we’re there I should tell him I’m not interested, you d-.“

“No, no!“ Eunsoo jumped up. “Don’t tell him anything.“

“Why?“

“I-ugh, he’s going to be pissed I told you, just don’t mention anything, it’s better you act the usual.“

“Are you sure?“

“Yeah, yeah, don’t go out of your way just to refuse him.“

“I-oh, okay. But are you okay with that?“ 

“Yeah, yeah. So you’re going then, right?“

“Guess I’m going, then.“ you chuckled.

“Fantastic.“ Eunsoo clapped her hands relieved, the conversation seemed too awkward for her, it could not not gut you. “I’ll go eat leftovers of your fancy lunch with your new best friend.“ 

-

From: Haechan

Great news, cupcake.

To: Haechan

What news?

From: Haechan 

You’re coming to Jeno’s little party

To: Haechan

So it’s great news now

Didn’t you say that I’ll shit your party?

From: Haechan

Aw, baby, you’re keeping everything I say close to your heart, I’m honoured

Don’t worry tho, I changed my opinion and I’m going to make the best of your presence

To: Haechan

Awww poor baby, You must’ve gotten a little too comfortable and forgot we’re not friends

it’s fine though, I’ll say hi back to you once I see you on that boat

From: Haechan

I hope you’re not getting sea sick and stuff

I’ve never done you on water, won’t forgive you for ruining my chance

And then sure, lets not talk

To: Haechan

NO

and, I’m sure you’re overestimating Jeno’s abilities, isn’t it going to be more of a catamaran type boat? lol

From: Haechan

why the caps lock you want to make sure I know you’re not getting sea sick?

To: Haechan

F u 

Go finish the project on your own 

From:Haechan

You’re not much of a help anyway

To: Haechan

And finish yourself off on your own too <3

Excuse me, I’m not much of a help?!?

Your life’s about to end

From: Haechan

If you’re considering staring at me while I actually work on our paper help, I’ve got bad news for you cupcake

You gasped scandalised and threw your phone away. Annoying Haechan and his annoyingly good eyesight, you thought, he deserves to be left on read.

From: Haechan

whoopsie, was I supposed to keep my mouth closed?

You never were supposed to text me in the first place, you mumbled under your breath, suddenly being too worked up by him. His senseless messages made your heart wake up and burn, not with love and passion, with embarrassment and that long forgotten, almost dead feeling of wishing to end his cocky smile and witty brain. 

From: Haechan

come on, don’t act like you’re surprised 

I thought you were this obvious on purpose

weren’t you?

You stared at the phone blankly, considering your options. 

from: Haechan

hey

hey!!

you 

to: Haechan

I’ll block you if you won’t stop

from: Haechan 

why?

to: Haechan 

hey

Hey

You 

You 

Hey

You

Fuck 

You

like it?

from: Haechan

okay baby go back to what you were doing, bye 

to: Haechan 

thanks

-

You reached out for the bedside table in pure darkness, blindly finding your phone. When the gadget was finally in your hands you lit up the screen. 

“Fuck”, you mumbled under your breath as the screen burned your eyes. 2 AM, the clock marking an hour and 30 minutes of tossing and turning in bed because everything turned out to be more than you were able to handle. All your thoughts and feelings suddenly were much more than what you could process and you were sincerely dreading the new day that would bring more concerns and more importantly more Haechan. 

You needed more random things to flood your mind so they’d be able to overlap the Haechan ones you had because thinking of Haechan in the middle of the night was giving you a headache. Did he think of you too…? Sometimes, maybe, at least at all, ever? How did you end up getting here? You’d chuckle if someone else asked you that question. 

Middle of the night, palms sweaty from overthinking too much, heart trembling a little because the boy you used to just have sex with smashed the lock on the door to your feelings with no mercy. 

Was he intentionally invading your inner peace? Did he want to stir your feelings as part of his stupid ego stroking, did you imagine things, come up with all that in your head? You needed Lee Haechan to take responsibility for his actions, he overstepped the boundary way too many times, now he flirts with you as an addition to everything else. Baby? Seriously, baby, cupcake was much of a better nickname, at least you knew it was meaningless and not personal. It felt like he wasn’t bothered too much to remember what your actual name was and stuck to something that made your relationship feel like a transaction. Baby is definitely giving a feeling to you, a little too intimate for your liking, it’s like he was claiming he liked you, like he claimed you his something and you were in some sort of relationship. 

What if his silly brain already spilled things to his group of friends about you and him? Your heartbeat fastened even more. Oh how you hated yourself for laying in that bed and still thinking of Haechan’s message when it’s been an ungodly amount of hours since he sent it. 

Maybe, it’s just you going crazy since that day he took you out. 

What if…? You had to toss onto the other side of the bed at the thought. What if he does all of this to play with you? Since the day you told him to not kiss you Haechan seemed to change his game, he just plays to try make you brake the rule of no kissing first. He’s that type of person to do things only to satisfy his own needs and satisfy his ego. Oh god, you had to sigh again. 

Were you going through all stages of grief or something like that? Now you’re on the demonising the person of your concerns stage? Sigh, sigh, sigh. 

You couldn’t  sigh any louder or you'll literally wake up Eunsoo. 

Maybe, at this point, you’d really let him do anything to fulfil whatever plan he had. You’d  gladly accept defeat if only he’d let you smash your lips against his right this moment, it doesn’t even have to be literally right this moment. If you’d get reassurance you’d be able to do it in the morning you’ll do anything in your power to conquer your feelings and finally fall asleep to hold on till the new day. 

-

“Just to clarify, I was staring at you because I couldn’t stop wondering, if you had brain in that head of yours all along, why did you act like you didn’t, not because of whatever you thought.” you slapped your palm against Haechan’s chest for no particular reason, it seemed to you it’ll give more effect, persuade him more you were telling the truth. A very puzzled expression on the boys face turned into even more confused one as your palm stayed on him for a few seconds. 

“Okay?”

“Good.” you nodded, and took a step back. 

“I didn’t ask. What are you even on about?” your eyes suddenly glued to his. He still was confused, that’s for sure. Well, who wouldn’t, in all honesty. You popped out of the blue on his way to the campus, first thing in the morning like a psychopath. You weren’t even sure you didn’t look like one. 

“Ugh… huh?” your brain processed his question. “What do you mean what I’m on about?”

“When were you staring? I just got here.” 

“Your message on Friday.”

“Oh, that.” he smirked immediately. “I was just shitting you, but it seems like I hit the spot right?”

“You- fuck you.” 

“Come on, don’t act like you’re not enjoying me texting you.”

“I don’t. You’re always interrupting.”

“Yeah? What exactly did I interrupt on Friday?”

“I-, I was doing something. It’s none of your business.” 

“Okay, I’ll stay out of it then.” the slight nod and completely lost interest in his eyes kind of pinched you. 

You maybe wanted him to pick on you, push and tease so he’d get straight to whatever he was interrupting but he just didn’t. Did he lose all his interest in you? Or was this just a tiresome Monday morning and he wasn’t in for the game?

You weren’t that much of a talkative friend when it came to him. You weren’t about to giggle and ask him why he's so stiff this morning. You were about to start sweating that’s for sure, your palms were feeling too warm because you maybe wanted to tell him something but maybe talking to him suddenly felt like imposing. Were you about to go insane over Lee Haechan? Over him and the fact he didn’t have a thing to say to you. Since when? 

“Okay.” you nodded too and wanted to walk straight past him, but it felt like you made it hard for yourself to breathe. “The presentation of the project is this Wednesday. I’m almost done with the slides but we need to go through the text, who’s saying what, who’s presenting which part and all that stuff.” you didn’t want to look at him anymore while talking. Why did you not want to look at him? You couldn’t understand yourself at all. Your wishful thinking brought you here in front of him early in the morning after almost a sleepless night. Somehow you thought he’d tease you and smile at you and set another date for seeing each other wether it’d be for sex or food or school. At this point you caught yourself not caring at all as long as it’s something to do with him. You could understand the change in your demeanour, but what was up with him? You really wanted to clap in front of his eyes and ask him what’s up. 

The change in you obviously scared you. It made you sincerely concerned for your self. You probably needed to talk this out with someone but the more you went through with that first sentence you’d start the conversation with the more you felt self-conscious to bring it up even as a thought that might’ve popped up in your head once or twice. 

The more you thought of it the more you brought up heaviness on your shoulders. Were you imagining or did Haechan change? His behaviour seemed colder than before? Did he change his demeanour because he felt you actually fall for his flirting and the pure intentions of his flirting were not to make you fall for him… it was to watch you be uncomfortable? 

Were you actually beating around the bush and not admitting to yourself truthfully the four letter word you were feeling towards him. No, not the big four letter word, the smaller one, but very much dear to your heart, very fragile as it still felt like early stages of processing the feeling. And even though your body might’ve not been new to it, since your brain was only able to work it out recently, your body was sent signals to act like the feeling was very new to it too, and it obeyed perfectly. 

You actually had to stop yourself, because you were starting to feel even more hot, getting the fact you might’ve looked insane by now, even. You took a quick glance at Haechan’s face, crossing with his stare only to go blank and look away quickly. Was he sensing the inner battle you had and was disgusted? Didn’t want to be part of it? If the two of you stood there a little longer you were sure you’d make yourself cry right there. Overthinking was definitely your specialty. 

“We’re super short on time, if you don’t mind splitting the presentation on your own and sending to me my parts-.”

“Yes, I can very much do that.” 

“Great, see you around, then.” 

“Yes.” you gave him a nod, you’re sure tho it wasn’t seen. Great, now Haechan didn’t even want to prepare the presentation with you in person. 

-

The clock on the wall was barely audible now that the classroom was practically packed with students. Still, the only thing your hearing was focused on were the seconds that turned into minutes. Your eyes were trained on the door and your fingers would stop fidgeting the pen every time someone walked past the entrance but would get back to work every time because every person that walked through the door wasn’t Lee Haechan. Where the hell was he? You closed your eyes for a 5 second breather. 

Finally, the clock reached 10 AM, one minute later the professor walked into the auditorium and closed the door right behind him. 

“Glad to see you all so cheerful. Bet each and every one of you is thrilled to present your work and get the passing grades?” the young man smiled and cleared his throat, making the whole room quiet. 

Again, the quiet room brought the ticking sound upon you. Tic-tac-tic-tac. 

to: Haechan

Where are you? We’re 5th to present. Professor's about to start the class. 

Your eyes raised at the door once again as one of the students ran in apologising for being late. 

“I think I’ll just go sit in the back and let the first group prepare for the presentation?”  professors eyes moved over the classroom to see the first ones to stand up. “Oh, Ms. Moon and Ms. Ong, great.” he gave Sua and her partner a nod and non-verbally invited them to the front to set up their presentation. 

to: Haechan

Why the hell are you not reading my message?

Your only excuse is you’re running your legs off to get here in time for our turn. 

Please?

You had to add when the message was still unread. Did he die by any chance? Overslept because he was memorising his parts till very late at night? You dialled the number - pure silence was what you were met with besides the monotonous rings on the other side of the line. 

You had to breathe because not only were you starting to feel overwhelmed by the end of the third groups presentation, you were realising you had almost no time left to run through the parts Haechan was meant to present and prepare yourself at least a little. 

“Hey, pst!“ your head snapped in direction of the whisper. “Where’s that little freak?“ Sua leaned over the students in front of her to hear your answer properly, but you had no words for her, you shrugged and turned away to not start bawling your eyes out in panic. 

“Mr. Lee and -“ professor announced running his eyes to scan the faces of present students. “I don’t think I see Mr. Lee in here.“ His eyes landed on you, as he called out your surname. “What happened to Mr. Lee? Is he running late? Will you be okay to present on your own?” 

”I think- I guess he’s running here so he’s not responding. Could we please listen to the next presentation and return to us later? Please?” The man looked at you for a good minute, probably debating if he should give you time or force you to do it now by yourself. Your teary eyes must have swayed him towards the first option and he gave you a nod, reading off the paper the next project couple. 

”Okay, you’re the last one to present tonight.”

”Thank you. Thank you so much.” you trained your eyes on the papers in front of you to memorise whatever Haechan was meant to talk about on those slides. You were agonising, if only you actually put in work to put everything together instead of letting Haechan take care of everything. It felt like you gave in to the devil and now had to pay the price for giving in. Your eyes ran through words but all your brain processed was either ‘fuck you Haechan’ and ‘you better show up before the end of that class’. Actually if he showed up after all the stress you went through right now, you’d choke him right at the entrance. 

Currently you were in the state where you barely remembered your own part and what was the topic of the paper at all. 

He didn't come. Not when it was 20 minutes before the end of the class, not even when you had 10 minutes left and got up in front of everyone to present. 

This very moment you were in the cafeteria with your head hanging low while Aeris hand soothed your back and Sua sat right next to you blabbering non-stop. 

"No, I literally knew being paired up with that annoying leech would end up terrible for you. Like I had a gut feeling he's going to find a way to fuck this all up."

"Haechan literally worked his butt off for that paper, I don't think he'd just fleet like that. Must be something serious." Eunsoo pointed and you almost did agree with her, it didn't seem like Haechan wanted to dodge this class on purpose but at the same time you could never know what actually happened in that little shits head and predict his thinking was like punching air - useless. 

"Yes, serious, like he has to be literally dead now for it to be serious enough excuse to dodge a presentation class like that. Did he read your texts?" Aeri patted your back for attention. You pulled out your phone to still unread messages and shook your head a no. You were slowly calming down and wished he'd pop up before you as soon as possible so you'd still have fume in you to fight.  

"Hey, it wasn't that bad. You literally got an A- and presented perfectly."

"I stuttered like an idiot every 2 words." you spoke for the first time in 15 minutes making everyone relieved. 

"If it was actually as bad as it seems to you you would've never gotten an A-"

"I still don't understand why you told that freak took great part in that paper with you. You had a perfect chance to pay him back but instead he gets an A while probably sleeping in his bed comfortably or some shit." Sua shook her head dissaprovingly. 

"Should've made him pay for real." Aeri agreed. 

"I want to dodge the next class, honestly, I wasn't prepared for that much stress in one morning."

"I can cover for you." Eunsoo suggested. 

"And I can dodge the class with you." Sua cackled and Aeri suggested the same. 

"I, ugh, I think I'm just gonna go home and stare at the wall and meditate." you excused yourself from the girls company and stood up. 

"If you want to you can have the piece of cake in the fridge." 

"That's a real sacrifice, Eunsoo, God." you chuckled and pulled yourself together. "Okay, I guess, see ya tomorrow."

"Bye, bye!"

"Don't think about that loser too much!"

- 

As soon as your feet walked up to the disagnated floor you didnt just walk, you stormed to the needed door. Even before your feet stopped at their place, your finger was already pressing into the doorbell. 

Of course, you weren't about to go back home, stare at the wall and not think that the stupid boy that stirred your insides for the past couple of weeks suddenly faded like he was never there. He was very much there and he was very much invested in getting a good grade. You heard some shuffling behind the door and as it opened you stared at the boy that never stopped you wondering how can you hate someone even more than you hated them the day before. 

"Jesus fucking christ." He exclaimed and pulled your hand off the door bell. "Why the hell you're ringing the bell like that. I'm no Sonic." he let go of your wrist to walk back in, expecting you to do the same. 

"So you're not dead, after all." you snorted to yourself and walked in. 

"Were there any signs?"

"Are you going to pretend like you didn't miss 100s of my calls and messages and didn't skip the very important class we had to present at?"

"Oh? That was scheduled for today?" he opened his mouth in shock, closing it with his palm afterwards. He was obviously sarcastic. 

"You're a psycho." You crossed arms on your chest, not planning to walk in any further into his place. 

"Why?"

"You skipped our presentation without a notice."

"Maybe I just really wanted you to realise how much you need me." Haechan pressed his shoulder against the wall and smiled at you with that sweet-sweet smile he could only muster when he wanted to be out of this world annoying. 

"You're fucking vicious."

"Why?" he batted his eyelashes. 

"I-." you swallowed. You really wanted to scream at him, get into a fight or maybe just be mean and rude and then leave but on your way here that bubbling rage inside of you cooled down a little and you just wanted to know what the fuck was wrong with him to act this way. "Why did I even think for a split second that I can rely on you or that we finally are understanding each other a little bit? You're just out of this world psychotic and I will never ever again agree on doing anything with you. Like even that thing we had going on - it's over. I don't want you lay a single finger on me after that stress you put me through." You wanted to say more but he was quiete and almost dead with the face expression so you decided on turning around and walking away. "oh, by the way, I got you an A so don't you worry bout your grades baby boy." you let him know before walking out and smashing the door after. 

- 

When you smashed that door you hoped whole heartedly he'd pull you back in by the wrist and explain himself like all those male leads in romcoms do. And you would fotgive him and he'd pull you into a hug and give you that very much wanted kiss you've been thinking of for the past few weeks. You were in fact ready to forgive him when you walked up to his place if only he put in effort to explain, you were to be honest already partially relieved when you saw him alive and well. 

But he didn't make a single sound from behind that door and before you walked back down those stairs you decided you'd act out on your pathetic thoughts and slow down with those steps. What if he was putting on some clothes before chasing you down? Or tying his shoe laces before he could walk out. You waited a little bit longer, before it turned way beyond the limits of pathetic behaviour you set. You had to leave and actually get back home. 

Act like you weren't  affected by his behavior, change of his mood and the mixed signals that were coming from him. You had to act in front of Eunsoo like Haechan didn't affect you deeply and all your thoughts were centered around him. 

You couldn't possibly stop yourself thinking if he took your words seriously or he'd figure you were angry and didn't actually mean you didn't want a single finger of his on you, because if he'd reach out first you knew you would not ignore him. 

"You're actually lucky you dipped." Eunsoo walked into your room, arms pulling off the hoodie she wore outside. "Can I sit?" the girl asked pointing at your bed. 

You nodded, scooping your books to one side of the bed. You decided that studying would be helpful for your brain to stop pacing from one thing to the other but you were proven wrong about an hour ago but still stared into those books like they were about to give in. 

"Haechan didn't show up for the rest of the day. Were you successful in finding out what the hell happened with him?"

"No." you shrugged nonchalantly. "I couldn't care less for his reasons. It's for sure the very last time we're working on something together. I mean, worked."

"It's just weird, maybe I'm overthinking." Eunsoo sighed and rested her head on her palm. 

"It is indeed weird." you were trying to understand the girl that was sitting on your bed. Was she just talking to you, did she want you to talk out all the shit you had on your mind about Haechan or she knew something and wanted to dig in further out of pure curiosity. "I'm maybe glad I didn't see him at my peak rage cause I'm sure he would've walked away injured." Eunsoo giggled with her mouth hidden behind her other palm. 

"I hope you'll completely let go of this ridiculous situation by Friday and will enjoy the party like the queen of unbotherness that you are." 

"What party?" you furrowed your eyebrows for a second before your heart dropped down to your feet. "That catamaran thing Jeno's arranging?" That Haechan is totally attending and totally is not going to reach out to you at as he promised before he would. 

"He actually sent me the pics. It's a little better than a catamaran." Eunsoo commented after a chuckle, reaching out for her phone to show you the pics. "Jeno said there's a big outside area."

"Very suitable for the season." You smirked. 

"Well, it's still pretty warm, I think a lot of padding will save us. And a big enough inside area for dancing, food and other fun things."

"Fun things like what?" 

"Games, I don't know, quiz, whatever comes into his mind. Jeno actually isn't that good with stuff like that so I'm wondering a little what all of this going to look like." she showed you a picture of a massive looking tourist boat, yacht, ship? You couldn't really work out what was the right name for that. "Okay, it's not really a catamaran like. I'll take my words back." You smiled honestly impressed. "Wait, how many people are coming? This feels like an expensive thing to rent."

"Jeno's dad is a best friend to the owner of the company that owns those boats. He's paying almost nothing, so we're lucky for a friend like Jeno." she beamed. 

"We-, sure." You couldn't hold back a laugh. You weren't sure you ever had even a simple conversation with Jeno before. 

"What?" Eunsoo chewed on her cheek probably finally realising she was smiling all the time she was tlaking about Jeno. Not sus at all, you swallowed. 

"You do realise I most likely know none of those people invited except for you and Sua and Aeri."

"You know Haechan."

"I'm definitely far from knowing him." you rolled both your eyes at her words. Even if you thought before you did, it's all gone now. 

"Well, you two were off to a good start, before... today, you know." She scratched her brow, suddenly getting off your bed. "Ugh, I'm gonna heat up some rice and fry an egg. You want some?"

"Yes please, thank you." You smiled, watching Eunsoo fade behind the door. 

Off to a good start, you thought to yourself and almost pulled the hair from your head. 

-

You had a feeling you should not go. You could name a whole damn list of reasons you should just not attend the party stay at home and watch a movie, read a book, listen to a podcast - the list literally goes on, but there were 2 reasons that were strong enough to influence you to come:

1. You would not allow Haechan to think you skipped the party because you were mad at him;

2. It turned out you were pretty weak when it came to resisting Haechan, you couldn't allow yourself to be in bed for the evening, thinking and wondering if Haechan was there, what was he wearing, what did he smell like today and if he would see you would he let the two of you fall back to complete strangers or make a move? 

That's why currently you were standing next to Eunsoo in an elevator that was taking you downstairs. A maxi dress with fitted silhouette in mesh with long sleeves, gathered waist, mock neck and all over pattern in dark dusty blue color hugged your body. You didn't really want to dress all out but the dress was giving warm and secured so you just put it on, getting approving nods from the girl next to you. 

"I am not letting you come back home without securing Jeno, like I'm being completely serious right now. I don't understand why he's acting like he's blind. If he's not going to drool over you tonight I'm going to punch some sence into him." you giggled "I'm so tired of watching you two beating around the bush." 

"We're not!" Eunsoo protested on her way out of the elevator. 

"I'm sure he wanted me there so I'd be your wingman." 

"Shut up, for real." Eunsoo rolled her eyes at you. 

You quickly got into the taxi that awaited the two of you in front of the building. Soon enough you were on the little ladder that connected pier and the boat. A man helped everyone get safely inside of the boat, you guessed it was the captain. As soon as you entered, violet neon light cut your eyes a little as the blackness of the outside contrasted with lighting much. Jeno stood right at the entrance beaming a smile at everyone that entered. 

"Welcome to the Jeno boat, we're about to take you on the best ride in your life." Jeno's eyes immediately glued to Eunsoo, not giving a single glance to you.

"I hope the best boat ride in my life will not end up the way your last party ended." You had to swallow to prevent yourself from laughing. Spotting a bar and Sua right next to it, you didn't even need to excuse yourself, you walked away unnoticed by the two, booing Sua as she reached for the drink placed in front of her by the bartender. 

"Boo!" you exclaimed, placing your palm on the girls waist.

"Damn!" She exclaimed first annoyed as her drink almost spilled, turning around to probably swear at you, before she processed it was you, her friend. Sua's eyes ran all over your outfit, her tone completely changing. "Damn girl!" She giggled, placing the drink back at the bar table, reaching out for your palm to twirl you in front of her. You twirled like she wanted you to and made a cute pose as a killing point. "What a pretty dress and what a pretty girl. Want to hook up?" Sua shouted to be louder than the music playing with her brows as she leaned into you, with a voice that she probably considered flirtatious but was just giving away it wasn't her first drink of the night. 

"What you're having?" you peeked at the drink behind the girl.

"A Pina colada. This one's actually one of the best ones on the menu. I've tried a few other cocktails."

"Off to a great start." You giggled, ordering the same drink. 

"Oh." Sua made a sound staring at the entrance and you almost asked her what was up but you heard the loudest scream and giggles after and by all those noises it was impossible for you to not acknowledge Haechan's presence. You considered turning around and checking out his appearance but you weren't still done proseccing his total black outfit from weeks ago and seeing whatever he was wearing now would probably make you weak in the knees. 

The bartender handed you your Pina colada, you taking a sip of the drink immediately. 

"It does taste good." You gasped at Sua that was finishing off her glass by now. 

"See, I told you it's good. Like, really good, I'm impressed." She giggled and took a look at the bartender "Two more, please." The girl probably caught your shocked stare "for you and me." She added. 

"Thank you. Want to take a walk outside?" You smiled, you didn't want to turn around and find Haechan somewhere behind you. You wanted to exit the same area he was in and prepare yourself to actually face him. In addition, you did come there to hang out with your friends and specifically give the boy zero attention. You were trying to keep things as they were planned. You had a little bit of an anxious break down because you had a gut feeling once you turn around you'll get caught by him and he'll tease you till your very last day on earth.  

"Yeah, sure. More people coming in. I think, everyone by now must be here." Sua stated, making you turn around quickly, seeing no one in a span of a second. Still you spotted there was indeed more people than before. "Oh, I spotted Aeri." She jumped in place excited, waving at the girl that most definitely couldn't see her yet. "Wait here and get our drinks. I'm going to bring Aeri here." You gave Sua a nod as she took off. 

The bartender placed both full glasses in front of you in a minute and as more people were gathering around the bar it was harder to stay there and keep your drinks safe. You could feel the boat start moving in a bit and  to confirm your assumption you heard a wild noise coming from Jeno. A very loud 'let's go' that was perfectly heard by you even through the music. You had to turn around because it was too much of a temptation to see what mess he was up to. Well, for now, the mess weren't really there, he scooped his closest friends around him, taking all of them at once to the bar. You had to be blind to not see Haechan under Jeno's right arm. He had to bent his back a little to fit in. As he was smiling widely, showing off his perfectly white teeth, eyes disappearing in pure joy. His hair seemed a little messy, like he didn't style it at all, got out of the shower and let them dry naturally. You had a feeling if you'd touch his hair you'd be able to tell if he blow dried them or not. Haechan wore a graphic t-shirt with a zip up black hoodie and a leather jacket. Skinny black jeans that he wore showed off his skinny built, finishing off the look with his casual white trainers. You had to force yourself to blink to not look crazy. 

The boys were chatting and as the tone of their voices got seemingly lower you couldn't even guess what they were saying. Haechan freed himself of Jeno's hold, reaching for the menu on the other side of the bar. You turned away, watching Sua and Aeri approach you. 

"Hey." Aeri reached out to hug you. "I see that freaky company is already starting their madness." she rolled her eyes. 

"If Jeno's here, where's Eunsoo?" you asked, sincerely curios. You weren't able to see Eunsoo from where you were standing. 

"She's at the entrance with a girl that took economics with her. Apparently they've got some serious business discussion." Aeri pointed with her hands where you guessed she last saw your mutual friend. 

"Okay." you gave her a nod, trying really hard to not stare to the side all the noise was coming from. The whole place was pretty chill, Jeno's friends or most likely acquaintances filled up the improvised dance floor. There was maybe 50 people, probably even more. You couldn't imagine Jeno knowing all of them. You never saw like 90% of these people before, you wondered if every friend brought a friend and a long chain of people showed up here without knowing who people surrounding them were. 

You wondered if Haechan brought anyone too to fill up the cost of the trip or what if he really did bring someone because they were his friend, because they were close and he wanted to see them here? You were jealous because you obviously weren't one of the people he wanted to see here. 

When Aeri finally got her drink from the bartender that was finally freed from Jeno's besties order, Sua, Aeri and you walked outside, greeted by the breezy wind. Thankfully, lots of blankets were piled up on one of the stools, the three of you immediately covering yourself in multiple layers of those. 

"There's even comfortable outside seating." You exclaimed, quickly moving your limbs over to the leather couch with multiple pillows. "I wonder if those pillows were ever at risk of being thrown away into the sea." you chuckled, making yourself comfortable and making room for your friends. 

"I bet these are sewed onto this." Sua dropped herself next to you, pulling onto the pillow. 

"Wow they are indeed sewed into this couch." You giggled like it was insanely funny to you. It really wasn't, just the 2nd Pina colada on an empty stomach was making your head spin a little. 

"It's making me sick a little." Aeri stared into the water that foamed from under the motor. "If you look for too long its kinda starting to make you sick."  

"Don't look." Sua laughed, pulling onto Aeris hand. 

"Fine." the girl turned to look at the two of you hidden under the blankets, fingers peeking from under them to hold onto Pina coladas. "Were you able to take a glance at all the guests? Any interesting faces?"

"I couldn't see anyone besides Jeno that greeted Eunsoo and I. More like he greeted her and then he got tunnel vision and I ran away to Sua. That's it. I know nobody here except for Jeno's circle. "

"I heard Jeno's bestie Jaemin brought his girlfriend for the first time to meet his boys." Sua cleared her throat before speaking. 

"Sweet." Aeri cooed in unison with you. 

"People are saying Jeno threw the party so his friend could confess feelings to someone."

"Who? Jaemin to that girl?" 

"I guess." Aeri shrugged. 

"Look! The moon!" Sua pointed at the sky, making you jump in your sit with the unexpected loudness. 

"It looks like a full moon." Aeri commented. 

"It's not. It's waning moon, full moon was yesterday."

"Hi Mr.Moon." you giggled, stretching out a hand from the blanket to wave at the sky. 

"Hi." Both Aeri and Sua sang. 

"Are you three talking to the moon?" Eunsoo forced the three of you turn around to the entrance door. "How many drinks each of you had?" She laughed, walking up to you. 

"Not that many." Aeri protested, more on her behalf than yours and definitely not Sua's. 

"You three should come back inside, it's warmer there and they're about to play your favorite song, Aeri."

"What?" Aeri exclaimed like she was cut deeply. "And I'm here staring at the water bubbles battling my wish to throw up?" The girl laughed and stood up immediately. "Sua?" the girl suggested. 

"I'm kinda having fun right here." Sua smiled like a Cheshire cat. 

"Come on, I thought you two would be right in the center of that dancing pit setting the whole party up." Eunsoo pulled onto Sua's hand making the girl stand up too. Sua placed her half empty glass on something plasticy that seemed like a great storing surface at first. Aeri linked her arm with Sua's, taking the girl back inside in pure silence

"I'm kinda offended." You giggled, looking at Eunsoo that took Sua's place. "Did you not expect me to pump up the party?" 

"I did!" Your friend protested weakly. "I actually wanted to tell you something."

"Does this have to do anything with Jeno?" You perked up your ears, gossip was one of the things that made you dead excited. You sipped onto the Pina colada that you tried really hard to not finish off. 

"Yeah, kinda." Eunsoo smiled shyly. "Wait, I didn't even have a single drink yet, I'll go get myself one before we talk." 

"Sure." you giggled " i'll be right here." Eunsoo nodded with a giggle. "get me one too, please." you shouted as the girl was reaching the door, making sure she did actually hear you. 

You closed your eyes for a second, focusing your hearing on the loud music blasting inside. It was really loud and tempting, you did want to come back there and have fun with your friends as soon as Eunsoo spills her secrets. It took her a little longer than you expected to return to you and by the time it felt like it was maybe 10 minutes since she left you started to doubt if she'd even return to you at all. It kinda felt nice, the more you drank the less you were worried about Haechan, so you downed the drink in your hand to take the one Sua left behind.

Finally, you heard the door open once again and the lonely steps signalled that it must be Eunsoo. You opened your eyes only when by your calculations she was about to stand right next to you, ready to reach out your hand for the drink when your smile faded completely as your vision worked out the person in front of you. 

Haechan was still smiling at you despite your face dropping completely. There wasn't a chance he couldn't read the room, not  understand that you didn't want him here or you dreaded breathing the same air as him. That's the main reason you were spending your time here, outside. 

"Can I sit?"

"No." you replied firmly, looking away. Your eyes focused on the inside of your glass as you took a sip. 

"Please?" 

"No." you stated once again, challenging him with a stare. 

"I-ugh, I'm sorry, I'm going to disobey." Haechan scrunched his nose, taking a little glance around and sitting down. 

"I'm waiting for my friends!" you protested, moving your body into the farthest corner from where Harchan seated himself. 

"Okay, I'm just going to sit here wait for your friends with you."

"I don't want your company." 

"I know." Haechan reached out his hand to you palm up. You didn't understand if he expected you to hold it or what was the intention of the gesture, but you ignored it. "You look very pretty tonight, if you don't mind me saying. I wish you didn't have to hide here because of me." your head snapped in his direction. You were so exasperated it took you a good second to start talking. 

"I'm not hiding here. Not from you or because of you, of all people." you tried really hard to sound scandalised, to not sound like you were exposed and hurt and very much curios why did he come here and where he wanted to take this. 

 "Good, because it kinda felt like it-"

"It's not." You didn't let him finish his nonsense. 

"Okay. I know you're mad at me, it's obvious. I did screw you up skipping our presentation day." Your eyes glued to Haechan's side while his attention was glued to his own fingers. "I didn't mean to, I'm sorry." Haechan moved his eyes to your face, catching you off guard. 

"Okay." you gulped before replying. 

"I'm really thankful you got me an A even though I made you all stressed out like that." Haechan lowered his voice, teasing his lower lip between his teeth. 

"Okay." you nodded quietly not being able to tell him how careless he was and all the things you were practicing because you most definitely was one step away from voicing to him your desires and smashing your lips against his, with the way his teeth were teasing that lower lip. 

"Come on, talk to me." The hand that reached out for you before now was gripping carefully onto your knee for attention "If I'm not seeing things that aren't there..." he paused probably picking out words to say, your heart went on pause too. "I probably made you hella confused, I'm so sorry. Whatever I made you think is right." you couldn't find words to talk back so Hyuck continued after a pause "See? I'm trying hard to get over my pride and say I'm sorry. Can't you do the same for me?" Haechan's fingers flexed on your knee. 

"I don't have to be sorry for anything." you pressed "If you wanted to say that I was right when I felt like you couldn't care less about me and I wasn't one bit someone worth at least noticing of your plans in advance then thank you for confirmation, I guessed that by now without your help." You tried to shake away his hand off your body. You were feeling a little too warm under his touch. 

"I didnt mean that you need to say sorry to me, only the pride part. You really don't want to make it easier for me, aren't you?" 

"I don't know what you're talking about." You moved your body more against the back rest, crossing your arms over your chest, your drink close to your mouth. The pineapple smell made you thirsty, you took a sip. If Eunsoo ever planned on coming back it's better she returned with a whole damn tray of drinks with the time it took her, you thought. 

Haechans finger still rested over your knee like they were meant to be there. It made you mad a little, that you didn't force him to put it away immediately and now the Haechan fever was spreading over your body. 

You reached out a hand, peeling each of his fingers off your knee. Haechan's fingers were freezing, if you weren't mad you would've suggested him a blanket. As soon as he gave in and allowed you to take his hand in yours you reached to take it back to his lap. You wanted to let go as soon as you reached his lap and hide behind the blanket but instead you were caught in claws formed by Hyucks fingers. He forced your palm to rest against his lower stomach, not letting you to win the battle the two of you suddenly had. 

"Let go." You tried to sound threatening. 

"Not until you're forgiving me."

"Then you'll have to freeze to death and I'll watch you drown in the ocean, Jack." you smarted.

"It's a river, Rose." he cackled, always being ready for a comeback. 

"Shut up, I know." You tried to pull your hand out of his hold as it felt like he loosened his grip, but as soon as he could feel you move his hand pressed yours back against his stomach. 

Your other hand still held onto the glass and you downed whatever was in there to free your hand. 

"I know you know." Haechan smiled warmly at you. You looked at him a little confused, was it the Pina colada or the way his fingers were gripping onto yours? "Are you done with your drink?" the boys finger pointed at the empty glass in your hand. "I'll take it, okay?" Reaching out the next moment to take the glass from you. 

You watched Haechan place the glass back to where Sua stored it before. He moved slowly, like he had all the time in the world. You wondered if anyone will eventually walk out that door to have a smoke break or if Jeno will look for Haechan to set you free. Or Sua, or Aeri, or literally anyone. You still had a little hope Eunsoo will remember she wanted to share her news with you and return. 

You were buzzing a little inside if you were honest to yourself. Haechan did find you himself, he did say he's sorry, he did hold your hand like he wanted for you two to be closer. Still, he didn't really say anything besides he was sorry. It wasn't enough for you to get your guard down, to let him play you like he wanted to. 

"You can let go of my hand, it's not like I'm going to run away from here anyway." you said calmly. You had that warm aura under the blanket, it was pitch black outside but the lights from the inside were making the dim light come through to where the two of you were sitted. Same for the music, you could still hear pretty clearly the muffled sound coming from the inside. It made you reminisce a little about that time Haechan took you out. You moved your eyes onto his face features. Haechan's face softened too as he saw you relax more. You wondered if he thought of that time too, how he rested his head on your lap and made you run your fingers through his hair. If he'd ask you to do that now, you wouldn't mind agreeing. 

"Promise?" You gave him a slight nod. "I want us to go back what we had." 

"I-" your face dropped a little as the words left his mouth, he clearly felt that as his face expression mirrored yours. He was putting effort for you to allow him the sex he talked about. "I'm not going to sleep with you." you pulled your hand out of his grip, finally. 

"I mean to what we had for the last couple of weeks. When we were partners in the project and friends." Your head snapped back in Haechan's direction. "I mean it. I want to be your friend." you blinked at him wordlessly. You felt a little too warm under all those blankets while Haechans ears were seemingly turning pink from the cold outside. You reached out to him with no sound at all, lifting up his palm the moment he realised you were reaching out to him. You ignored the gesture once again, moving up to feel the temperature of his nose and ears with the back of your hand. 

"You're freezing. You'll get sick." you half whispered, taking all those blankets off your body. As you sat straight and gathered all the blankets left behind by girls you had to get on your knees on the couch as the dress you were wearing was way too narrow on the legs and didn't allow you to move however you wanted to. "I can share a blanket with a friend." you added quitly, bitting onto your lips afterwards as you busied yourself with covering Haechan who you could tell with your side vision bit into his cheek, staring at you intently. 

"Honestly..." Haechan brought your attention to his lips, while your hands reached to his chest with a blanket "You look very pretty tonight..." You pressed your palms against Haechan's chest when you felt his palm very up your thigh, you could feel his fingers tight on your bum. Your heart hitched,  you needed immediate medical help but all you got is Haechan’s tightened grip as he felt your body lose balance and give in to him a little "Like, saying this as a friend, very pretty." he added, moving his hand up onto your waist to prove to you it was a friendly gesture indeed. Like he was just trying to help you keep your balance.

"Thank you." you gulped, reaching out to put one more blanket over the boys body, when you felt a little like giving in. It didn't really have to be all the way him, you felt like you had to give him something too. You couldn't really process your own thoughts let alone processing whatever was happening between you two. You sat back down onto your knees next to Haechan, smoothing out the blanket like a caring person over a sick someone. Haechan watched you intently, it almost felt like he could see the thought process inside you, not moving and giving you all the time you needed. You leaned in to him slowly, Haechan's hand sliding up your back the closer you got to him. Your eyes ran over his features, he was as attractive as you could remember him being that day you felt for the first time that he can be attractive. You thought back for a second and wondered if that day even was the first time you thought about him in that way. 

You moved one of the hands that supported you from Haechan's chest onto his cheek. You really wanted to caress his cheek like that since that time he rested his head on your lap. You ran the fingers up the skin and it felt even softer than what you imagined. Haechan smiled under your touch, sincerely, you could feel that because you just witnessed him being sincerely happy with his friends. You were feeling overwhelmed with the fact he was right under you, open to anything you would suggest and do. He never felt more real and sincere than now even though he wasn't saying anything at all. You could feel your ears burn with everything you felt for Lee Haechan. His hand that now rested at the back of your neck didn't give you any pressure at all. It felt like it was there just in case you were about to dissappear and he'd catch you. 

You pecked the corner of his lips quicker than he would be able to process it, quicker than you were able to process it yourself. Haechan's head moved in your direction as you were pulling away, he tried to catch your lips with his but you paced away and he let you move as far as you wanted to. 

"I want more." He whined, moving his other hand onto your waist.

"As a friend?" you mused, feeling his hand crawl from the back of your neck to grip onto your face. 

"Yeah, as a friend." he smiled even more, his palm now pulling you closer to him. You gave in kissing the other corner of Haechan's mouth. His eyes closed, letting you know he liked it. You smiled to yourself, you've seen Haechan at the peak of pleasure numerous times but somehow the face expression he made now made you the happiest. You pecked his jaw, peppering more confident kisses all the way down his neck, Haechan's fingers still holding onto your face in the process. 

"Straddle me." he groaned, as you raised your head to wet your lips.

"My dress's too tight, I can't." your pointing finger touched his neck softly where the lipstick stain was visible, Haechan's skin reacted to the touch, sending chills to the back of his neck.  

"Why'd you wear something like that..." Haechan looked you in the eyes. "Always trying to make things harder for me, even with the clothes you wear. Right, baby?" you held back a gasp the very last moment before it escaped your throat. It must've looked terrifying from Haechan's perspective, your face expression, like you were about to pass out just at the sudden pet name once again. You froze a little because it was hard for you to process the next steps. Haechan on the other hand moved under you, freeing his body of all those blankets you carefully placed on his body not that long ago. His legs spread more and you sat back on your heels to not get in his way and watched what he was up to. He pulled himself more against the backrest, trying to pull the pillow behind him to the side and making you giggle. 

"These are sewed on this."

"Shit." Haechan swallowed a laugh, suddenly grabbing onto your thighs to guide you next to him on the other side of his body. His hand guarded your neck from the uncomfortable pillow-less side of the couch, comfortably wrapping around your body. His other hand guided your legs over his thigh and covered the both of you with the blankets. You kept your body a little distanced from Haechan, at least it's upper part. It only felt comfortable to rest your head on his chest, so you did that, making the both of you closer than before. Haechan slid his hand down to hug your waist and both your hands locked round his neck. It felt a bit surreal if you were to think about it, you were volunteerely snuggling with Lee Haechan of all people, at a party. 

Haechan was finally done with piling back onto you all those blankets, creeping up a hand onto your cheek. It quite literally felt like a fever dream. Feeling Haechan's fingers on your freezing skin, while staring into your eyes so sweetly and deeply. Your heart skipped a bit when he licked his lips suddenly, making it feel like he'd lean in and kiss you now. He didn't, though, and it really felt like a teasing contest and despite both contestants very clearly dying to touch each other's lips and get lost in each other, they held back with the very last strings of sanity and didn't want to lose that competition. Haechan's fingers ran through your cheek consistently, you would've purred if he'd kiss you in reward. 

"I feel dizzy." Haechan commented, breaking the silence between you two. Dear lord, if only the boy knew how dizzy you felt from keeping yourself composed. 

"Are you sea sick? Did you have too many drinks?" you blabbered. It was a little too clear he didn't feel actually sick. 

"No I'm dizzy because of you." He voiced out what you were feeling, you were so overwhelmed with his presence and his warmth and the fact he smelled so good and so... dear to your heart, your fingers pulled his neck more against your face. Haechan moved more, getting his lips against your cheek. 

"I need you to know, I like you so much." his lips pressed against your cheek as he said it, making his nose press against you aswell. You felt like he entirely pushed you more against his body. You needed medical help, immediately. Your heart wasn't used to this sort of emotions. 

"Shut up." you shot back immediately to hide the gasp that exceeded you, instead of a thought thrugh answer. You didn't expect him to be so blatant after all the pining you've put yourself through, you would've never guessed he'd say something like that. But then again, you were constantly proven you can never know what will be Haechan's next move. 

"I'm serious." he pressed and forced your eyes to find his. 

"How much did you have to drink?" you tried to back out. It was so terribly difficult for you to jump over the metaphorical wall so suddenly, let him know verbally that everything he felt was mutual. Surprisingly you turned out to be more stubborn in that sence than Haechan himself. 

"I didn't have a single drink, which I know is not in any way relatable to you. Still, I'm not able to get your guard completely down and have your heart open for me." Your eyes ran down his neck and chest. 

"It is, open." you mumbled. "I... you can clearly tell everything is the same for me? Don't make me struggle." Your fingers played with the fabric of his shirt on the shoulder, while your brain fought back and didn't let you say you liked Haechan even more than he could've imagined. 

"Look me in the eyes, at least." He whispered and your eyes moved back to his face but were unable to focus on them. Haechan moved his head towards you at the same time and the second you caught up with his actions you felt his lips on yours. 

Something between a moan and a cry exceeded your mouth. Your hands gripped immediately onto his neck with force, even if Haechan intended on keeping the kiss sweet and slow he quickly scratched those intentions when he could feel how badly you needed him. 

He felt just like that last kiss that lingered on your lips for weeks. You loved his lips like that, warm, plump and all yours. He clearly was more than ready to speed up the pace and once it was clear the two of you were on the same page, Haechan deepend the kiss. He sucked on your lower lip, slowly turning you onto your back. He clearly forgot about your dress situation, trying to place himself between your legs. 

Haechan's hand carefully held the back of your head to not hurt you from the solid armrests of the couch. Your tongues started a battle that was impossible to win. Haechan's other hand firmly gripped onto your waist, while his leg finally was able to get between yours. You almost found it in you to worry about the dress getting ruined and stretched out but you felt Haechan's mouth leave yours and the sudden breath of fresh air made yourself even more dizzy than before. You lost all the thoughts in your brain. 

Your fingers ran through the boys hair, brushing the strands back and making a whole mess in place of his hairstyle. Haechan leaned back to peck your lips, then lowering his lips to your neck. You tightened your fingers in his locks, forcing a purr from his throat, that happend to land on your neck. Your hips moved against his thigh unconsciously, making yourself heated in a whole different way. 

"Haechan." you half moaned. His tongue played with the skin of your neck, drawing tiny lines and sucking it in with his lips. As his chin moved the fabric of the dress lower down your skin, Haechan's licks and sucks became more aggressive, in addition with little bites you could feel him suck in a hickey at the base of your neck.

Your center rubbed against his thigh unconsciously, while you were shivering under his touch, creating friction for Haechan as well.

"This is just a little reminder in case you're black out drunk and won't remember what boundaries we overstepped." he pecked the skin that must've been red and moved his face back in front of yours.

"I am not." you smiled at him and let go of his hair to hold his cheeks between your hands. They felt so soft, so velvety, and the way you squeezed them between your palms made him look like the softest person ever. 

"Then it's for me to know it wasn't just a fever dream." You smiled at him even wider, pulling his head closer and pecking his lips. Haechan kissed you back slowly, rubbing his body against yours in a very lazy manner. His mouth left yours, hiding his face against your neck, closer to your ear and nibbling on the skin there. It felt so good to have his body weight pressing you down that outside couch. You couldn't care less if someone was about to come outside, even if they did you wouldn't be able to move yourself an inch away from Haechan's body. Your only regret was that neither of you had magical powers so you'd be able to move to your bedroom this very moment and be able to have each other for the rest of the night. 

"Kiss me more." you whispered needy. Even you were dreading the clothing choice by now, you needed his touch, you needed the feeling of his skin on yours, anything that would make you a little more closer to him would do.

You were starting to get greedy, only recently you thought you'd die just from the kissing and now you needed more and more.  

Haechan raised his head and smashed his lips against yours, smirking for a slight second beforehand. 

"So needy for my kisses and just a week ago you acted like you never wanted to kiss me." he mumbled into your mouth. 

Haechan's body grinded against yours with full force now and you couldn't possibly ignore him getting hard on top of you. You definitely weren't about to have sex on the outside terrace of the boat and you hoped  he didn't think of that either. You had to find power in you to stop before it got painful for him. 

"Haechan-ah." you moved your head back only to be followed and caught with his lips once again. "Baby?" you placed your palms on his chest, pushing the boy away. You tried the pet name to get his attention and it clearly worked. Your own heart did a flip, you couldn't imagine what he felt, you definitely smashed a few layers of bricks on your metaphorical wall with a cannonball "Don't you think we need to slow down?" you asked softly, directing your eyes between your bodies. You felt like Haechan's cock twitched in his pants. 

"Right." he cleared his throat and pushed his weight off your body, extending his arms to keep the distance. He stared at you for a good second, leaning back to peck you quickly. "I do need to cool down a little." you gave him a nod and watched him get up with a smile. You sat back on the couch, Haechan making himself comfortable right next to you. His pants did look terribly uncomfortable on him now, you noticed and you were hoping the cool wind would help him calm down quickly because it wasn't like you wanted to give him a blowjob in the middle of a party. Or more like maybe you did, but not right here in a public setting and besides that you wouldn't let him know even that you had the thought, he'd get even more excited than before. 

"I'm sorry, I should've pulled you off me the moment I felt you." You moved closer and rested your chin on his shoulder. "Do you need a blanket?" you asked, Haechan's head turning in response and getting too close to you to resist to kiss him. Before he could answer you closed that centimetre between you and pecked his lips quickly. 

"No, I need the calm down, don't kiss me." he grunted in a cute way. 

"It's just a peck." you tried to hold back a smile. 

"It's your needy stare and your lips on mine and everything else and I don't think I'm going to calm down while you're here."

"So you're excited just by presence?" you teased. 

"Very much." He replied coolly. 

"I'm never eating sugar again."

"Why?" he furrowed his eyebrows confused. 

"Sugar combined with the new side of your personality will probably give me diabetes." you smiled at him expectantly, Haechan giggled, hiding his face in his palms. 

"You're so stupid." he shook his head in his hands. "You're very lucky I'm blinded by love otherwise I would've booed you."

"It was a good joke." you mumbled, trying really hard to act nonchalantly at his words. Blinded by love, was he about to say he loved you right on that couch too? You were feeling sick to your stomach. 

It got quiet between you two once again, you wondered what he thought of to calm himself down. You were just enjoying the comfortable silence right next to the boy you liked. 

You sneaked your hand in the space between his arm and his thigh, facing it upward and extending your arm further, for Haechan to properly see it in his lap and be able to interact with it. You rested your cheek against his shoulder once again. 

You were very much thankful for the cool breeze outside because your palm was currently sweating and the nerversness was crawling up your throat. You hoped the gesture was clear enough for him to act on it, but you closed your eyes in case of failure. Haechan shuffled under you and you opened your eyes to see what he was doing, and he was looking at you, bending his neck given your current position. 

Once he saw you look back at him his head turned back to look down his lap, where your hand was. You couldn't feel how you started to bite your lip in nervousness but you could very clearly feel Haechan's freezing cold palm land on yours. You opened your fingers and as he did the same, you interwind your palms. His grip was tight around your fingers and you did the same, letting him know you were serious about it. Haechan forced your hands up and to his lips, kissing the back of your palm. You wrinkled your face in relieve, even though it seemed more like you were in pain, and kissed his shoulder. 

He then proceeded to fall back against the backrest and you did the same, hands still in each other's hold. You sat hand in hand for a little while, feeling so good next to him without any excessive intimacy. You couldn't remember when or how both of you started kissing again. The kiss wasn't as passionate as before, the both of you filled that longing and now both your brains knew it ain't going to be the same as before, you won't have to hold back your feelings. You kissed steadily, Haechan's thumb slowly caressing your palm in his hold. 

"We should go back." you mumbled through the kiss. "Your friends and my friends must be looking for us."

"They clearly aren't." he giggled. You smiled and couldn't agree more. You probably spent outside at least two hours, in which there was no signs of Eunsoo, the girl that promised to get you a drink. 

"What if someone walks in on us being too explicit?" 

"No one will, besides, i don't think we're in any way explicit by now."

"How'd you know? The doors are open. You're just lying to me, right?" 

"No, Jeno keeps everyone occupied."

"You're lying?"

"I'm being serious, I'm not going to lie to you anymore."

"So you'll tell me why you skipped our presentation?" you voiced out the question you wanted to ask him for a while now. 

"I-" he sighed like he was suddenly tired "Can I not?" he asked softly. 

"No, you really hurt me. If we want to go further, I want to know why." 

"It was the trial day for that stupid case. I totally forgot about it because I was with you all the time but Jeno texted me if I'm going to be on time the next day and I was so confused." Haechan trailed off, looking into the water, like he didn't want to tell you the bad news and you blinked multiple times to not get yourself worked up. 

"What were you sentenced to?" You asked concerned but moreover scared. You were so scared it'd be something bad it'll break your heart.

"My case was closed for lack of evidence." You sighed loudly, not even trying to hide from him you were relieved. "I didn’t steal anything and I was clean because I was with you when they were doing shit..." Haechan looked you in the eyes again, squeezing your palm. "Its thanks to you I am here today with no probation period or some other shit. They made me come as a witness, but I don't really know anything and even if I did I would've never said a thing." 

"I'm so glad you're fine." you let him know. 

"I know. I should really stay next to you to stay out of trouble." you smirked and then giggled and hid your face in the crook of his neck next. Haechan stared at you teasingly and you couldn't resist running away from those eyes. 

"Okay, maybe we should come back inside." you gave him a nod against his skin. "Can we stay close to each other for the rest of the night?" 

"I have to see my friends too tho." you rose your head up to see him.

"And tell them all about me?" he smirked and you couldn't stop thinking how attractive he looked that very moment. 

"No, Sua doesn't really like you. I have to prepare her before saying anything" You came up with the mildest version you could at the spot. You didn't want to make him upset and tell him neither of them seemed to like the idea of Haechan right next to you and you weren't in the mental state yet to explain to them everything. Or explain anything to him, it felt perfectly enough for you to just have this little secret between you two. 

"But you do?" Haechan let go of your hand to enjoy your reply. 

"Shut up." you teased, forcing yourself to unglue from the boy and stend up. It's needless to say it was a difficult task to finish. 

Now that you could feel how breezy it was outside you wanted to just fall back into the warmth Haechan shared with you. You turned around checking out the boy that still sat on the couch, giving you a blank stare. 

"You're staying here?" 

"I'll follow behind." he smiled and watched you take a step away. 

"Okay." you gave him a nod and walked away further, turning away to properly walk inside. You were getting cold with how long it was taking you to walk back in. As your feet almost brought you inside you turned around with the door half opened. Watching Haechan get up and walk around the couch towards you. His eyes were set on his phone and he probably thought you were already inside, when you ran back to him, catching him off guard mid-way. 

"I need you to know too, that I like you a lot." you said in one breath, holding on to his waist. Haechan beamed a smile and you couldn't resist smiling back. His fingers quickly found your cheeks to hold you in place for a quick kiss before you finally turned around and walked back in, scanning the room for Sua, Eunsoo and Aeri. 

[starlightvld]

Bait & Switch, pt. 5

<< Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4 // Part 5 // Part 6 >>

Based on "I wasn't in that tunnel."

Call of Duty, soapghost // CW: angst, Hurt/Comfort, boys kissing, MWIII spoilers

---

Johnny is floating. For the first time in forever, he feels safe.

Held.

Warm.

He stays in limbo as long as he can, eking out every ounce of comfort from the rare good dream. He knows soon enough he'll wake to an ice-cold cell. Perhaps someone will come to torture him. Or perhaps they'll leave him alone long enough that he'll starve.

Until then, he basks. Digs himself deeper into the warmth pressed against him.

"Easy, Johnny. You've got too many wires pokin' outta you to move around so much."

That voice. He knows that voice.

Soap's eyes pop open to a wall of hospital gown fabric and a sliver of pale skin. Familiar warm arms curl around him a bit more tightly, and his heart stutters.

"G-Ghost?"

"I'm here."

Everything comes rushing back — "waking up" from his drug-induced haze with a knife in his hand, Ghost's initial distrust and coldness, and the revelations about his own actions and the years of his life and bodily autonomy stolen by Makarov...

He remembers Ghost's sudden apology, his vow to help Soap figure out what was going on, and his gentle arms surrounding Soap just like he remembered.

It's a dream. It has to be. Some trick by Makarov.

And yet Ghost is so warm. So strong.

He can't bear the thought of going back now.

"Simon." His voice shakes as the panic sets in, thrashing around inside him and threatening to shred him to ribbons from the inside. "Don't let him take me back. Promise ye'll kill me if ye have to. I can't... I can't... I can't—"

The sob that had been stuck in his throat when Simon first curled strong arms around him and held him close rises up to choke him, but his eyes remain stubbornly dry. He coughs and gags, and Ghost's hands stroke down his back as he murmurs soothing words in Soap's ear.

It doesn't matter. The tears won't come. Crying was weakness to Makarov and especially to his goons, punishable by the worst kinds of torture. As he's done hundreds, maybe thousands, of times before, he begins to float away, dissociating from the pain on instinct, but Simon's hard tone slams him back into his body.

"He'll never come near you again," Simon growls in his ear. "Not as long as I'm alive."

"You... believe I'm me?"

"Your DNA matches the records for John MacTavish. That's good enough for me."

He doesn't have time to process the shock of that revelation before then next one hits him fast and hard.

"And it's good enough for us, too."

The additional voice is so wobbly, Soap barely recognizes it. He lifts his head to find wide, watery brown eyes under a familiar blue hat staring at him over Ghost's shoulder.

"Gaz?" Soap whispers in disbelief.

"Hey-ya, bruv. I brought someone else with me, too."

Gaz steps to the side, and a familiar mutton chops and boonie hat come into view. Price's eyes are dry, but there's a deep sadness his ice-blue gaze as he reaches over Ghost to lay a loose hand on Soap's shoulder.

"Soap... I don't really know what to say beyond I'm sorry. It's good to see you again."

The emotions rise up too high. He feels himself detach from the moment, and without the strong emotions to cloud his mind, all he can think to say is, "Why? Why are ye here? I tried... Ghost said I tried to kill you."

"We're here because it's you, Soap," Gaz says in a gentle but confused tone. "Even if you were still trying to kill us, we'd be here doing our best to figure out how to save you. I just wish..."

"We didn't know," Price says as Gaz trails off. "We should've tried to harder to capture Agent Zero. If we'd known it was you, we would have—"

"Not important," Ghost interrupts. "We're all here now, and we're not lettin' the brass get their hands on you."

"Ghost—"

"No Laswell. He's been through enough. Talkin' is one thing, but no interrogations."

It's too much. The words thrown around Soap devolve into mutters and hums as he detaches from the moment. After his time with Makarov, the dissociation comes naturally. He floats away, and...

This moment is everything he ever dreamed about in those dark days under Makarov's thumb. But it's also overwhelming for someone who hasn't felt a kind touch in literal years. He's so glad Price and Gaz proved him wrong, but it's just... 

So. Much.

"—nny? You awake?"

Ghost's voice calls him back, and like always, he can't resist. Doesn't want to. He flutters his lids, the dryness of his eyes letting him know he'd fallen into himself with this eyes open. No wonder the fingers gripping his back feel a bit desperate. He closes his eyes without meeting Ghost's gaze.

"Aye," he whispers. "Here."

"I think we should let Ghost and Soap rest," Price says with a soft, sad smile. "You've both got a lot of healing up to do."

*

Laswell does what she can, but the brass still insist on sending someone to "evaluate" Soap, whatever that means. The evaluator in question, some Major or another, is set to arrive in three days, and Ghost has already made it known to Laswell that he won't be letting Soap out of his sight.

Normally, Soap would be concerned and might even start down the path of spiraling into a panic attack, but he finds he can't be bothered when he wakes up on his second day in the hospital in a pool of his own sweat. Shivers run up and down his spine, and he groans as the body aches slam into him like a tank. Only Ghost's presence and warmth keeps him from panicking at the too-familiar symptoms.

"They're weanin' you off the drugs," Ghost explains in a calm tone, his hands gently rubbing over Soap's damp back. "Tell me if I'm hurtin' you."

"Doesnae hurt," he slurs. "Feels nice."

Ghost's hands are a lifeline, the touch grounding him to the present. There's no way his brain could concoct such an elaborate dream.

Right?

The beeping of the heart monitor picks up its pace. One of Ghost's hands slides up to smooth over his buzzed hair.

"Johnny? Hey. You're alright, love."

"Is it real?" he gasps as his vision begins to darken. "Are ye real? Please..."

Arms tighten around him. Ghost's lips brush over his temple.

"I'm here. I'm real. Breathe with me, Sergeant."

The title rings through Soap's body like a bell as Ghost takes a deep breath, his chest rising under Soap's cheek. Soap takes a strangled breath, too, desperate to follow his Lt's directions. Desperate to make sure Ghost stays.

"That's it. Another."

They breathe together, and eventually, the darkness fades.

"Sorry," he mumbles into Ghost's chest.

"No reason to be sorry. I'd be more surprised — and worried — if you didn't have a screw loose after everythin' you've been through."

Soap huffs a weak laugh. "Thanks, I think."

"You're already doin' better than I was in your place, though it was only months for me, and not..."

Ghost trails off. He's never really talked about his time with the cartel in Mexico. Soap knows the basics — caught, tortured, escaped — but he doesn't know the details.

Doesn't really need to anymore. 

"I get flashes of stuff here and there," Soap says with a shrug, "but I only remember those first few months clearly. Right up until Makarov started pumping me full of these fucking drugs."

As if on cue, another shiver wracks Soap's body. He can feel the sweat building between them as his body attempts to deal with the withdrawal. And yet he's still so fucking cold.

"Sorry I'm such a scabby bastard right now," he mumbles even as he tries to scoot closer to Ghost's warmth.

"Nowt to worry about. I'm no spring flower myself. They're gonna let me shower today, I think, so I'll make 'em let you, too."

Ghost continues rubbing his hands over Soap's damp back, and his lips press into Soap's forehead. The hands and lips remind him of better times, when they'd steal a few hours whenever they could to learn and relearn each other's bodies while desperately chasing release. Soap dares to lift his hand from between them and curl it around Ghost's waist.

"I missed ye so fucking much."

The words slip out unbidden, barely more than a whisper, but there's no way Ghost doesn't hear them. His hands pause for a moment before moving again to press Soap closer.

"I felt dead without you," Ghost whispers back.

A heaving gasp punches through Soap's lungs. "Ghost—"

Ghost gently pushes Soap back enough that he can look into his eyes. "I mean it. The thought of killin' Makarov was the only thing keepin' me movin'... until now."

Soap can't help himself. He knows he's gross and dirty and was trying to fucking kill Ghost a couple of days ago, but he's desperate for the familiar comfort.

He surges up and presses their mouths together.

It's like a flipping a switch — Ghost goes from gentle and calm to ravenous in a split second. His fingers dig into Soap's neck, pulling him closer, while his other arm crushes Soap around the waist. Their mouths meld together, and Soap clings to Ghost just as hard, yearning to climb inside him and never come out again.

God. God, he wants to never leave the safety of Ghost's arms, his presence, his warmth.

The kiss ends as quickly as it began. Ghost pulls back and presses his lips to Soap's cheek and then his brow, panting breaths wafting across Soap's clammy skin.

"I... fuck Johnny. I'm sorry."

"Why're you sorry? I kissed ye first."

"Because you're not feelin' good."

Soap frowns. "Yer the one with the gunshot wound."

Ghost huffs a breathy laugh. "And I'm feelin' it, too. You should sleep more."

"So should you."

Ghost grunts his agreement. They settle down, and Soap listens as Ghost's breathing evens out. It's a comfort, and he lets himself fall into the rhythmic sounds.

The longer this goes on, the less Soap questions whether it's real and the more he begins to worry about the future.

Soap is pretty sure the higher ups will never send him back to England. They'll wait until Ghost's back is turned, and they'll take him somewhere far away where he can be locked up and interrogated the proper way. Or perhaps they'll try to draw out Makarov by sending him somewhere as bait... along with enough C4 strapped to his back to blow up a building.

Or maybe they'll just kill him outright, deeming him too much of a risk for any of that.

He'll fight it, of course. But he's only one man against the might of the British military. And despite the 141's trust in her, Laswell is the type of person to sacrifice her personal feelings for the greater good. He doesn't want to think she'd give him up, but if sending him in means finally ridding the world of Makarov, he has to accept that, for her, it might be worth it.

Except... Soap can't stop thinking about Ghost's admission. That the goal of killing Makarov was the only thing keeping him moving. And he fears what will happen when he disappears without warning.

And he will disappear. Of that he has no doubt.

So he tightens his grip on Ghost's waist, presses a soft kiss to Ghost's scruffy chin, and basks in the warmth and safety of his lover's arms for as long as he can.

<< Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4 // Part 5 // Part 6 >>

[lucysarah-c]

~ Holy Ground ch. 3: Girl at home ~

Summary:

"Alright, get comfortable because this is going to be a long, crappy tale. Join me as we travel down memory lane, back when Erwin wasn't yet a commander, when Mike and Nanaba couldn't keep their hands off each other, when Hange was… well, Hange. And Levi? Well, Levi was a twenty-four-year-old man who didn't give a damn about the rules. Are you ready?"

Warnings: This story contains age gaps, time period misogyny and mentions of homophobia, strong and offensive language, underage sex, alcohol, smoking, implied/referenced of drug use. This is a very slow burn so everyhthing takes a while to happen. Explicit sex content. Virginity, loss of virginity, cheating, mentions of cheating, pregnancy but no by the main character, consensual sex, consensual underage sex, underage kissing.

Pairing: Levi x Reader x Erwin. Levi x Reader are end game. (this is not eruri). This story takes place after ACWNR but BEFORE season 1

-> Masterlist to all the chapters! <-

I observe the expressions on the faces of each of the kids here with me. Sasha and Connie appear quite bored, Jean and Armin seem skeptical, and Eren is in a heated argument with Mikasa about the cold weather and the need for him to wear a sweater or something.   "Am I boring you guys? Is this not what you had in mind?" I wonder, trying to understand why my story isn't having the impact I expected.   I receive mixed responses. Jean and Armin seem more engaged, but the rest... Well, they seem to be lost in their own world.   "Did the captain treat you like that?" Armin asks, visibly dismayed.   "What? You don't believe me? You can always go and ask Levi about the truth of the matter," I say, attempting a smirk to appear cool, but then I realize what I've just said. "Actually, no. Please don't go and ask Levi about it."   "Why not? Are you lying?" Sasha asks with a mischievous smile.   "No, I'm actually telling the truth, but the problem is that Levi hates sharing his personal life. So, for the sake of all of us, we should keep this as a secret," I explain, hoping to persuade them, and thankfully, it seems to work. If he found out I've been talking about him to his squad, it would pretty much seal the deal on our breakup.   "If it's true that you two used to hate each other so much, how did you start dating?" Jean asks, resting his face on his hand.   "Jean, a relationship isn't just a matter of saying 'hello, how are you? Do you want to get laid?' There's a process," I explain while rolling my eyes.   It's amazing how at that age, we think that love is some magical thing that happens suddenly and lasts forever. But in reality, it's much more complicated and terrifying. It's a painful process that can end well, or poorly, or sometimes it takes a long time to reach a resolution. I can't help but wish that my case isn't the last one as I touch my bandages.   'Is this what you wanted?' I reflect, suddenly feeling exhausted. I could do better than this, I know it. Running away like a frightened child. I shouldn't be here on this watch post. I should be talking to him, reminiscing while he holds me in his strong arms after a night of passion. Not here, not with them, not like this, no--   "Speaking of getting laid," Connie interrupts my train of thought. "When do we get to the spicy part?"   Suddenly, everyone is excited again. They all look at me with curious glances and a slight blush on their young cheeks. They can't seriously expect me to chat about my sex life with their Captain, right?   "Don't tell me you think I'm going to spill the beans about what happens in my bedroom?" I speak my mind, trying to confirm my suspicions. However, their silence and blushing faces confirm their disappointment. Except for Mikasa, who somehow reminds me of Levi.   "Let's make a deal. When we get to that part, we'll see what I'll share with you. The problem is, we're not there yet, and we'll never get there if you keep interrupting me," I say, and they nod, waiting for me to continue.   I take a sip from one of the bottles on the table. I wish I could hide my disgusted expression as they laugh at my reaction. Damn teenagers and their cheap alcohol.   Where was I? Ah, yes, the first morning of training with my not-boyfriend back then…

For those who may not know or haven't noticed yet, I'm originally from Sheena's Wall. I spent my entire life there before joining the military. Not just any district, mind you, but right in the heart of the capital city. It's truly an extraordinary place to call home. Now, the story of how a privileged girl like myself ended up in the Scouts is a tale for another time. My distinctive capital accent always seemed to give me away, and I'm willing to bet that Levi knew where I was from even before I uttered a word that night. It wasn't exactly a secret.

Perhaps it was my wardrobe, the variety of shirts and dresses I wore on our days off, or my hair clips and perfume that gave away my origins. This little fact about me may have made my initial coexistence with Levi quite challenging. While he was struggling to survive on unclean water, I was comfortably sleeping in a king-size bed surrounded by teddy bears and feather-filled cushions, with my maid preparing breakfast for me.

As usual, I woke up in my small, uncomfortable cadet bed, with my hair scattered all over the pillow. Mornings have never been my strong suit, to say the least. I stretched and prepared for the day ahead. During my morning routine in our shared room, I noticed two things. Firstly, Nanaba was not there, meaning she must have spent the night in Mike's room.

‘Lucky her, having a superior boyfriend. They get those beautiful rooms all to themselves, ’ I thought as I brushed my hair.

Secondly, I realized I needed to hurry because my training was about to start. Breakfast was served between 6 and 7 am for recruits, and somehow, I always managed to arrive ten minutes earlier and grab a cup of tea. I did a crown braid to keep half of it out of the way, washed my face, applied some moisturizer, and chose a shirt to wear for the day.

Once I was ready, I headed to the mess hall. Some might argue that I put too much effort into my appearance, but I could easily justify it. You see, one thing I learned during my time living in the capital city is that how people perceive you determines how they treat you.

With a smile on my face, I greeted and waved to everyone I passed along the way. This may have been another aspect of my personality that Levi couldn't tolerate back then. I entered the gates and scanned the room, searching for that particular short, black-haired man. To my disappointment, he wasn't there.

Glancing at my watch, I thought to myself, ‘ It's 6:45. Maybe he's not a morning person.’ I shrugged, thinking I might find him later to tackle our chores as a duo. I grabbed a tray of food and joined Petra and a few other girls, including Nifa.

“I adore the shirt that you are wearing today!” Nifa complimented me, a sweet girl who shared my interest in fashion.

“It would look lovely on you. The deep navy blue would make your gorgeous honey eyes shine even more” I added, smiling at her. Nifa and I used to go downtown together from time to time.

Usually, there wasn't much effort put into our outfits on duty days. I typically stuck to basic-colored shirts like white, shades of gray, and black. Occasionally, I'd opt for a black and white or navy blue and white horizontal striped long-sleeve shirt to add a touch of drama. However, that day, I had chosen a simple white shirt with a deep navy blue hem and buttons. I had always liked how blue complemented the color of the Wings of Freedom. Even the lace of the small braid of my hair was in the same shade, matching always. 

The majority of the others usually wear the first thing they find in the morning, regardless of its cleanliness or condition. In contrast, I take pride in my appearance, treating the corridors as my personal runway as I carry the tea for my squad leader.

"Hey Petra, since you seem to know so much about Mr. Grumpy, have you seen him?" I asked, not that I wanted to share breakfast with him, but I needed to make sure someone had spotted him at least.

My paranoia grew as Petra shook her head in response. "I hope he didn't oversleep on the first day," I mused. Little did I know that words like "oversleep" or even "sleep" were missing from Levi's vocabulary. I tried to enjoy the remainder of my breakfast, keeping my attention fixed on the door. But mealtime came to an end, and that little troublemaker was nowhere to be seen.

"Hey Gerald, have you seen Levi?" I inquired of one of my male comrades, thinking that a fellow cadet might have better insight.

"Who?" was his simple reply.

"Levi, the short guy from the underground?" The future Captain was nowhere near as popular as he is now, primarily because he hardly spoke to anyone.

"I have no freaking idea where that bastard is," the brunette answered, then added, "But maybe you should ask Will. I think they share rooms in the barracks."

I thanked him for the information, left my tray behind, and embarked on my search for my missing partner.

"Didn't Erwin tell him that we have morning chores to attend to? Where the hell is he?" I muttered while scanning the surroundings. I checked every nook and cranny, searching every corner and corridor for Levi or William. I even peered through the windows, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. Just as I was about to turn the corner, I spotted Will. He was mopping the corridors with another recruit, and I greeted them both with a smile.

"Hey Will, good morning," I greeted the tall black-haired boy. "Mind if I ask if you've seen Levi?"

"O-oh, hey! Good morning," Will saluted me back, a faint blush coloring his cheeks. He was such a sweet boy. "MH, I usually don't see him in the mornings. He's already gone by the time I wake up."

"What a pity," I sighed loudly, disappointment evident on my rosy lips.

"Maybe you should check the shower room in the male barracks. That guy definitely takes too many showers," the helpful cadet suggested without a second thought.

I thanked him and continued my investigation. It was already half past eight when I finished checking the common areas, and Levi was nowhere to be found. I didn't particularly want to venture into the male barracks, not only because it was prohibited for women but also because it was incredibly uncomfortable. But did I have any other choice?

"Y/N! There you are, the little lady of the Scouts," I recognized that distinctive voice anywhere. Hange was calling out to me from behind.

"Squad leader Hange, good morning!" I turned around, stood at attention, and saluted. Hange may be a bit peculiar, or rather, eccentric, as they prefer to be called, but they were still a squad leader.

"Oh, drop the formalities, sugar cube. We're good friends, no need to be so strict," the brunette said with a broad smile, as they always did. Extrovertly placing an arm around my shoulder as they pushed me closer to speak. "Anyways, shouldn't you be with Levi?"

‘Speak of the devil,’ I thought. Of course, I should have been with him if  he could be found anywhere. However, Hange was the only one who managed to have conversations with Levi, or at least tried to. Perhaps they had some tips for dealing with Mr. Grumpy.

"Well, I should be, sir. But I can't find him. Have you seen him yet?" I inquired, trying to sound as unbothered as possible.

"So weird, I saw Levi picking up his orders this morning. He must be somewhere," Hange raised their hand to stroke their chin while contemplating. "But if I were you, I wouldn't keep him waiting. He doesn't appreciate being made to wait."

‘He doesn't appreciate anything, if you ask me,’ recalling Nanaba's words. If he had already received his orders, then he must have known that we were supposed to do this together. I bid farewell to Hange and continued on my way.

If the female barracks were typically untidy, I couldn't even begin to describe the state of the male ones. With resignation, I knocked on the door of the shower room, and a partially dressed guy opened it. He had a towel wrapped around his waist and his bare chest exposed. I tried to avert my gaze as my cheeks grew warm. The male recruit leaned against the doorframe and examined me intently.

"Well?" he asked gruffly.

"O-oh, y-yes," my stammered response betrayed my embarrassment. "I'm looking for Levi." He turned around and called out loudly.

"Hey Levi, there's a good-looking girl asking for you here!"

I didn't know what was more humiliating—the fact that I was referred to as "a good-looking girl" or the insinuation that there was something going on between Levi and me. I could hear the laughter from the men inside the room.

No one replied, just silence. I didn't dare to peek inside to see the recruits' expressions, but I could sense that they, too, were awaiting a response.

"Well, it seems like that shorty isn't here. But if you're looking for a good time, I'm at your service, m'lady," he attempted to sound sophisticated, making a reference to my status. I rolled my eyes at his failed attempt.

"No, thank you," I retorted, slamming the door in his face and walking away.

‘Not in the mess hall, not in the common areas, not in the showers. Where the hell is he? It's already 9 am! We've wasted almost the entire morning.’ My mind raced with thoughts. Letting out a frustrated sigh, I approached one of the cadets walking by and asked for the location of Levi's room.

"Last room on the right," he had mentioned. I repeated it in my mind to avoid forgetting. If only I had known how many times I would sneak into that room for activities far from training.

Once again, I knocked and waited for someone to answer, but this time it was different. Another recruit answered the door, and as soon as I caught a glimpse inside the shared bedroom, I saw him sitting on his bed, engrossed in a book. I didn't wait for an invitation; I walked straight toward him.

"Excuse me? Can you explain what you're doing here?" I questioned, my tone laced with anger. I was far from being in a good mood.

However, my attempt to sound imposing failed miserably as Levi raised his gaze from his book to meet me. Nervously, I swallowed, feeling as if Levi's deep, piercing gray eyes were cutting through my soul.

"What the 'ell are you doin' 'ere?" Levi's deep voice echoed through the room, causing everyone to turn and see what was happening.

‘Think quickly, don't let him get to you,’ I reminded myself, preparing for the confrontation.

"I wouldn't be here if you had been in the mess hall like everyone else, starting their chores," I retorted, refusing to back down from the conversation.

"Huh? What did ya just blurt out?" Levi closed his book and rose from his bed. He walked towards me, clearly attempting to intimidate. The problem was that even a few inches taller, he appeared incredibly powerful.

"That's nonsense! You heard me! You should have been there!" I insisted.

“Lis'n up, ya posh little brat. I was bang on time; it's you, ya lazy scumbag, who never showed up.” Levi shot back.

"I was there before seven o'clock. On the other hand, you were missing," I argued.

“I ain't your damn servant. I stuck around 'til quarter past six. Next fuckin’ time, get your ass there earlier,” Levi retorted.

"Who cares what time I arrived at the mess hall! You should have waited for me. We wasted so much time!" I exclaimed.

"You're a right pain in the ass, innit?I done my bit, now piss off from my fuckin’ room. This is the last time you show your face 'ere,"

"This is supposed to be teamwork, Levi. You can't just go out and do 'your part.' Besides, what exactly is 'your part'?" I challenged.

“I ain't gonna sort out your crap life for ya. Go and take a look’s at what I've already fuckin' done 'cause I did wake up on time. Maybe if you didn't waste so much time tryna flaunt, you wouldn't 'ave missed me.” Levi hit back.

His words stung, but there was no way I would let him dictate how I should spend my time. "Well, at least I can show off. You can go out and buy the most expensive shitty clothes and still look like a filthy rat from a trash heap," I retorted.

My remark seemed to genuinely offend him, as he grabbed the collar of my shirt and lifted me up. I closed my eyes, expecting him to strike me.

"What the hell is going on here? Women aren't allowed, and I thought I made that perfectly clear! Levi, put that damn girl down, and Y/N, leave immediately before I report this to your superior," a commanding voice interrupted Levi's actions.

The other cadets who had been watching quickly stood up and saluted the superior. Once I was back on the ground, I hastily made my way out, not wanting to draw any further attention to myself.

Needless to say, I completed the rest of the work alone that morning. I didn't dare to approach Levi again, mainly because I wanted to keep my head attached to my body. The truth was, Levi had indeed done a significant portion of the work, but the question remained: When did he do it? I hadn't spotted a single strand of his dark hair on campus that morning. As I fed the horses, Will's words echoed in my mind, raising yet another question: "When the hell does that demon wake up if he manages to finish all the chores?"

After completing my duties, I headed to the mess hall for lunch. My mind was preoccupied with how to make this team function smoothly. "I was a bit harsh with him. I let him get under my skin," I reproached myself, reflecting on the events of the morning. "There's no use crying over spilled milk. We still have the afternoon training to make things right. If anyone can make this work, it's me. Don't let him affect you." This pep talk boosted my confidence and allowed me to approach the rest of the day with more optimism.

However, maintaining my positive outlook became nearly impossible when I entered the mess hall and felt everyone's eyes on me. As usual, I picked up my tray and joined my friends.

"Why is everyone staring at me?" I asked once I sat down and tasted the first spoonful of the flavorless soup they served.

"Well, well, well, look who we have here. They say there's a fine line between love and hate, but I never expected you to cross that line on the very first morning you were paired with that jerk," Nanaba teased, clearly enjoying herself. Meanwhile, Petra seemed quite upset with me.

I struggled to express my surprise, my bewildered face revealing my emotions. The spoonful of food I had scooped up fell back into the dish as I tried to gather my thoughts.

"Excuse me?" I managed to utter.

"Come on, don't act so surprised! You know better than anyone that rumors spread like wildfire here," the tall blonde girl explained matter-of-factly. She noticed that I was still lost in the conversation and added, "Everyone is talking about how you went to meet him in his room and how your faces were just inches apart before a superior interrupted."

I closed my eyes, trying to process this nonsense. Resting my head on my left hand, my hair obscured my face. It always amazed me how information could be distorted in just a matter of hours.

"That's not even close to what happened. He was nowhere to be found, so I went looking for him, and it turned into an argument in his room," I summarized the events.

"How could you do that to Petra? You knew how much she likes him," Nanaba remarked, clearly mocking me as she took a sip of her water.

But the real issue was that Petra actually appeared upset. She was sitting right in front of me, on the other side of the table. I reached out my right hand and placed it on her arm. "Petra, I would never do something like stealing someone's boyfriend or crush. So, you don't have to worry about me. In fact, when I get the chance, I'll find out what he thinks of you."

That seemed to ease her mind. I remember her smile, her innocent golden eyes filled with admiration for me. I know there's no excuse for what I did, but at that moment, my words were sincere. I never intended to come between them; it just happened. If only I had known then what I know now.

Link to my masterlist and my other works if you feel like checking them out. Tags!: @nube55 @justkon @notgoodforlife @nmlkys @humanitys-strongest-bamf @quillinhand @thoreeo @darkstarlight82 @aomi04 @levisbrat25 @fxnnyackerman @secretmoneybearvoid @feelingsandemotionsnotexplored @l3visthighs @hannieslovebot @flxrartsstuff @feelingsandemotionsnotexplored @starrylevi @rithty @mariaace @ackrmntea @emilyyyy-08 @levisfavoriteteashop @katestrophes @katharinasdiaryy @ackermanswifee @levistealeaf @an-ever-angry-bi @youre-ackermine @searriously @blackdxggr @storiesofsung @abiatackerman @braunsbabe @moonchild-angel @galactict3a @lemonsupernova @hyuckwon-my-husbands @heyitsd1yaa @sydneyyuu @love-for-faeries-go-burrrr @mandaax @sugacor3 @r0ckst4rjk @vegetasgirl2799 @catiwinky @pinksaiyans @sparklykeylime Wanna join my tag list? Here!

[femmefatalevibe]

Hey

I'm an entrepreneur who's also struggling with major depression and gotten put of long toxic draining jobs and cutting off some toxic relationships. (Context - South Asian) I don't see good female role models around much to emulate either, but I do need to get my act together fast or I'll be left behind.

Can I request you to suggest some things that as a woman I absolutely need to prioritize or get my ducks in a row and succeed in life and work?

I'd really appreciate your advice.

Thank you

Warmly

Sumzy

Hi Sumzy, hope you're doing well/better now <3

It sounds like you've been through a lot and are finally in the process of pursuing the life you want, so I want to offer you a major congratulations on this feat!

Firstly, please try to internalize this sentiment as best as you can (I'm still working on it every day lol): Life is not a race; there's no definitive timeline we need to follow.

You might be behind your own preconceived deadlines but outside of *real* deadlines with consequences like not filing your taxes, paying your bills, work deadlines, taking birth control and related medications, all timelines are fabricated––either in your mind or maybe by your community or society at large. Regardless, it's all one big illusion at the end of the day. We're all winging it day by day, believe me. Baby steps toward getting yourself into a healthy, confident, competent, and happy headspace are the only way to go.

Some simple (yet not necessarily easy) ways to begin going in the direction you want for your life include:

Get basic healthy habits in order (consume healthy, plant-based meals, drink plenty of water, sleep 7-9 hours a night, move your body every day, avoid too much alcohol/processed foods/any hard drugs, etc.)

Consider the things you value in life––genuinely, not just what society wants you to value but the aspects of life that help you feel truly happy, alive, and fulfilled. For example, mine *currently* are freedom, autonomy, competency, beauty (not in a superficial way), and pleasure. Once you figure out what these values are, consider the ways you can mold aspects of your life to align with these values.

Create a loose daily routine for yourself––it can be as simple as a 3-step morning and evening routine with a list of 3 other things you want to accomplish during the day in between.

Find a few self-care/simple life pleasures that you can indulge in daily or weekly. It can be as simple as a great cup of coffee you love or a favorite TV show you watch before bed.

Get yourself a little bit ready every day, even if you have nowhere to be. For me, this means concealer, mascara, filling in my brows, and a matching loungewear set. It takes 5 minutes but helps you feel more ready to conquer the day––even if you're just spending it chilling at home.

Find a creative outlet that brings you joy––I'm so grateful that you're all here following one of mine!

Hope this helps. Sending love xx

[punsmaster69]

16/OCT/20XX

"X-raying a skeleton?"

"Isn't that kinda pointless?"

alphys shook her head.

"They can look for problems 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦 the bone, too."

undyne looked confused.

"What? Isn't there just.. more bone inside the bones?"

"Bones have multiple layers!"

"and a lot of parts. you've got the proximal epiphysis, the diphysis, the metaphysis..."

alphys pointed at various points on papyrus as i listed each one.

undyne continued to look confused.

"Why are there so many '-sis' things in your bones?"

"cuz we're sissies."

"WHAT? SINCE WHEN?"

"I think he meant in the coward way, Paps."

"OH."

"THE GREAT PAPYRUS IS NO COWARD!"

"MY ONLY FEAR IS...!"

"....."

"NOT HAPPENING, SO BASICALLY NOTHING!"

a nurse came into the lobby and called my name.

"Sans?"

"welp, that's me."

papyrus rose from his seat to follow me.

i handed my journal to alphys.

"don't have too much fun waiting without us, ok?"

——

[There's a crude drawing of Sans and Toriel kissing. Sharp handwriting follows.]

Pictured above: my dream

Heya its me Sansand im a big NERD

I love my brother Papyrus hes the cooolest

And also Undyne is So cool and awsome

also also Alphys is smart and cool and stuff and a way better nerd than me,

Anyway TORIEL right woww shes soo0 hot hot baby—

[A line is drug from the 'y' to the edge of the paper, suddenly cutting off the text.]

Sorry, Sans...

I went to the bathroom, and she got bored.

~ Alphys

——

papyrus tapped his foot anxiously as we waited for the doctor to return.

"so.. you're my guardian now, huh?"

"WHAT? I DO 𝗚𝗨𝗔𝗥𝗗 YOU."

"...EVEN IF THAT WASN'T 𝘘𝘜𝘐𝘛𝘌 WHAT THEY MEANT. IT STILL COUNTS!"

"should i start calling you papa-rus?"

"ARGH, NO!! I HAVE TO BE IN HERE, SANS. EVEN IF IT MEANS... L... L.."

"....."

"SHIFTING THE TRUTH, SLIGHTLY."

"what're you so nervous about?"

"NERVOUS? THE GREAT PAPYRUS IS NEVER NERVOUS!.."

"......"

his foot tapped faster.

"IF THEY FIND ANYTHING..."

"THAT'S NOT GOOD! OBVIOUSLY. BUT, WE'D AT LEAST HAVE AN ANSWER TO ALL THIS."

"IF THEY 𝘋𝘖𝘕'𝘛 FIND ANYTHING.."

"THEN WHAT?"

"then on to something else."

that didn't seem to make him worry much less.

𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘤𝘬, 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘤𝘬.

the doctor opened the door.

"We're all ready for you."

"ok. you coming, paps?"

——

"...So, yeah! Everything looks a-okay, but we won't know for sure until the radiologist gets back with us in about one to two days."

"just gotta hang out 'till then, yeah?"

"Yep! Just don't break any bones in the meantime."

"can do."

"HAVE A GOOD DAY, HUMAN-DOCTOR."

in the lobby, undyne was splayed across multiple chairs. they were watching something on alphys' phone.

when she spotted us, undyne bolted upright (startling alphys in the process).

"Finally! Why did that take SO freakin' long??"

"IT FELT LIKE WE WAITED FOREVER IN THE ROOM!!"

"D-did they see anything?"

"nothin' on the cursory. we'll get the full results in maybe a day or so."

"ALPHYS, DO YOU STILL HAVE SANS' JOURNAL?"

"Um, y-yeah. Here.."

she dug it out of her coat pocket and handed it to me with an apologetic look on her face.

went back a page to see why.

...

thank you, undyne.

thoughtful entry.

——

we got ice cream and went to the park.

undyne jumped in a leaf pile, and came out looking like she was trying to disguise as a bush.

then papyrus tried to help her get some of the leaves off,

but she pushed him into it, too.

he shoved her back, and soon it turned into whole a leaf-wrestling match.

....

you ever seen a skeleton knock leaves out of his eye sockets?

[hockeylovee12]

Just A Pawn-Luke Hughes

Chapter Three

Summary: Once again Luke’s roommates express worry over his behavior, Luke shuts them down it isn’t until Luke gets a surprised visit that things start to turn around.

Warnings: mention of drug use, overprotective brothers, mentions of being used, implied sexual content

—————————————————

Luke sat on the couch in the living room of his shared house, his roommates and teammates surrounding him. Dylan Duke, Mackie Samoskevich, Ethan Edwards, and Mark Estapa exchanged concerned looks as they glanced at Luke. 

A few weeks had passed since they expressed concern over him and Remi, and instead of listening to them Luke had only continued seeing Remi, and they continued growing increasingly worried about his reckless behavior. 

Dylan cleared his throat, breaking the tense silence in the room. "Luke," he began cautiously, "we need to talk." Luke looked up from his phone, annoyance etched on his face.

“What now? Can't you guys just leave me alone?"

Mackie let out a sigh and took a seat next to Luke. "Look, man, we're your friends. We're just worried about you."

Ethan chimed in, his voice laced with concern. "We know you came home high last night, Luke. That's not like you."

Luke's eyes narrowed as he crossed his arms defensively. "So what? What's it to you guys?"

Mark spoke up softly. "We care about you, Luke. We don't want to see you go down a destructive path." Luke just rolled his eyes.

Knowing this conversation was going nowhere productive Dylan pulled out his phone and dialed Quinn's number.

After a brief conversation with Quinn over the phone, he hung up and looked at Luke. "I just called Quinn," Dylan said. "He wants to talk to you."

Luke scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Oh great! More of Quinn's infamous lectures! How exciting!" Just then, Luke's phone buzzed with a new text message from Quinn: 'We gotta talk, pick up the phone.' Luke clenched his jaw tightly as he read the text message aloud mockingly to his friends.

Dylan shook his head disapprovingly. "You can't keep avoiding this conversation with Quinn forever, Luke. He's just trying to help."

Luke's frustration boiled over as he stood up abruptly. "You guys are just a bunch of tattletales! I don't need any help, not from you and especially not from Quinn!" Luke lashed out, before storming upstairs.

———————————————————————

Over the next few days Luke's attitude had not changed. Luke still refused to listen to his friends, which resulted in him doing the exact same things he had done before.

One night, Luke found himself in his room, with Remi lounged on his bed, blowing smoke rings into the air. They laughed, talked and kissed, getting lost in their own little world.

Meanwhile, outside Luke's room, Dylan Duke noticed Quinn's arrival. Quinn, being in town for a game against the Detroit Red Wings, had taken this opportunity to confront Luke face-to-face.

Dylan opened the front door for Quinn and quietly gestured towards the staircase which led to Luke's room.

Quinn walked up the staircase and pushed open Luke's door without hesitation. His eyes widened as he took in the sight before him - Luke and Remi, tangled together on the bed in various stages of undress.

“Quinn!" Luke jumped up, scrambling to grab his shirt from the floor. Remi flushed red and attempted to cover herself with a blanket. Quinn's face turned a shade darker as he tried to process what he had just witnessed.

“What is going on here?" he finally managed to say through gritted teeth.

Luke stammered for an explanation. "I...uh...we were just..."

“I can see what you were doing," Quinn interrupted with a mix of anger and disappointment.

Quinn shook his head and turned to the door, “Get dressed and get out of here. Luke we gotta talk” Quinn said, walking out the door to give the two teenagers some privacy.

A few moments later, Luke and Remi were fully dressed and appeared in the hallway. Quinn stood there with his arms crossed, looking at the two of them with a scowl on his face. Remi said a quick goodbye to Luke and walked down the stairs. 

“So Luke, how you been?” Quinn asked sarcasm and anger mixed into his voice.

Luke flushed as he looked at Quinn, not sure what to say, instead staying silent.

“Don’t you have a game or something tonight?” Luke finally said.

Quinn shook his head, “It’s tomorrow night.”

Luke let out a sigh and an eye roll before walking back into his room, leaving the door open expecting Quinn to follow him. Quinn did, but stood at the door for a while before walking in, he noticed the bong sitting on Luke’s desk and a small baggie with a substance in it.

Quinn let a little smirk of disbelief come across his face, “You stop getting drug tested is that it? Or did you just think you could get away with it?” Luke looked down at the floor, before making eye contact again with Quinn.

“Come on I know you’ve smoked before” Luke accuses

“Once or twice and never during a season.” Quinn rebutled. Quinn stepped in the room, and closed the door behind him, before pulling out Luke’s desk chair and taking a seat.

“So let’s talk,” Quinn says. Luke lets out a loud dramatic groan causing Quinn to chuckle.

“you’ve been avoiding it for a while now. You’re dodging both me and Jack's calls and you haven't texted me in a while. Lukey you’re my little brother and I care about you alright” Quinn begins anger no longer lingering in his voice but rather genuine concern.

“I understand you’re growing up and Jack and I we’re overprotective of you, but please don’t go wrecking your life just to prove a point. We’ll work on the overprotective stuff if you quit this crap. No more weed, no more skipping class, get back on track Luke. Otherwise we can just keep going round and round until you get it through your thick head and who knows how bad things would have to get first” Quinn continues.

Luke looks at his brother, and for the first time in a month he doesn't feel angry, instead he starts to feel a pang of guilt washing over him, the weed, skipping class, slacking off in practice all of it made him feel embarrassed.

He knows that’s not who he is and if he’s being honest he didn’t even like the weed that much.

The only thing he didn’t feel a sense of regret for was meeting Remi, despite all of the bad things that came with it, a lot of good things came with it as well.

Remi didn’t see Luke as Jack and Quinn Hughes' brother, or a 4th overall pick with so much to prove, Remi saw Luke as Luke, even without the drugs and the sneaking around the moments they had together, showed Luke a sense of adventure he never experienced before, she showed him a new kind of freedom.

Luke takes a deep breath and looks at Quinn. “You’re right, Quinn I fucked up and bad I gotta get myself back on track, and I will no more weed, no more skipping class, I’m gonna talk to my coach, I gotta apologize to my friends and and you and Jack. I’m sorry,” Luke says sincerely.

A feeling of relief washes over Quinn. Quinn stands up and walks over to Luke, putting his arms around him and gives Luke a hug, and says “About time,” Luke let out a slight laugh.

Before needing to head back to his hotel Quinn offered to take Luke out to lunch, Luke happily accepted. For the first time in a month Luke felt like he was back in control of his life. 

———————————————————————

Over the next week Luke began to do damage control. He had stopped smoking completely, starting getting back into a routine, going to every one of his classes, apologized to his teammates, and coaches and made up with Jack and Quinn.

The only habit Luke has not yet managed to kick was his relationship with Remi. He still hung out with her a lot, although Luke was trying to be more cautious about when and how they spend time together.

Luke was not smoking with her anymore nor skipping class to see her.

It was almost like a healthy relationship.

Until later in the week after a long day of classes, when Luke was relaxing and got a facetime request from Jack and Quinn. Luke happily answered the call on his laptop propping it up on a pillow so his brothers could see him. 

“Hey guys!” Luke greeted his brothers 

"Hey little bro," Jack said with a grin. 

Jack and Quinn talked to Luke about how proud they were of him for getting his life back on track.

Luke offered a small smile, grateful for their support. "Thanks guys. It means a lot coming from both of you."

Jack's grin turned into a frown as he continued, more serious this time. "But we still have one question: what are you doing with Remi? Why are you still with her?"

Luke's smile faltered as he tried to find words that wouldn't betray too much about his true feelings for Remi. "I mean...at first...yeah, I was just using her to piss you guys off," Luke admitted hesitantly.

Unknown to him, Remi had quietly made her way up the stairs and stood just outside his room, listening intently to every word.

Hearing what Luke said she couldn’t help but feel used.

Without a second thought, Remi hastily turned around and rushed down the stairs and out the front door.

Luke heard the sound of a slamming door echoing through the house.

He furrowed his brows in confusion and excused himself, thinking he was alone in the house.

He rushed downstairs, hoping to find out what had caused the commotion.

As he reached the bottom of the stairs, his eyes met Mackie Samoskevich's concerned gaze.

“Hey Mackie," Luke said quickly. "What was that noise?"

Mackie looked up from his phone and shrugged. "Remi came to surprise you, man. She looked pretty upset when she ran out."

Luke's heart sank as realization dawned on him. Remi must have heard everything he said about her.

Without hesitation, Luke bolted out of the house and onto the porch, scanning the surroundings for any sign of Remi.

His heart pounded in anticipation as he spotted her about to cross the street in a hurry. "Remi!" he called out desperately, running after her with determination in his eyes.

She turned slightly but didn't stop walking. 

“Remi! Stop please!” Luke begged rushing towards her

Luke caught up with her just before she made it across the street and grabbed her arm gently to make her face him.

"Remi, please listen to me," Luke pleaded, his voice filled with regret.

Tears welled up in Remi's eyes as she looked at him with hurt and anger cutting through her voice. “You used me!”

“Remi-” Luke started in an attempt to apologize, but she cut him off.

“You used me as a decoy to piss off your brothers! Well, Congratulations. You succeeded,” Remi snapped, 

"No...it wasn't like that," Luke insisted urgently, his grip tightening slightly on her arm.

But Remi jerked her arm away and backed up, shaking her head. "No, I’m done. I can’t believe you used me as some sorta fucking pawn. Don’t ever speak to me again"

A/N- I hope you enjoyed this series! I promise not all of my stories have overprotective brothers and sad endings even if my last two did lol. Feel free to reach out and give me some feedback please be nice though or ask me any questions! <3

All images are from Pinterest

[dr-spencer-reids-queen]

The Angel Maker: Part Two

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~1.9k

Summary: You still feel guilty for what happened to you and Hotch even though you shouldn't. If you had seen that bomb before getting blasted back, then maybe you wouldn't have so many problems with your "abilities".

Warnings: canon violence, canon language, canon talk of death, methods of kill

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Criminal Minds. All credit goes to their respective owners. If there are any warnings that exceed the normal death/kills from the show, I will list them. If you’ve seen the show, then it’s the same level of angst unless otherwise stated

x

All of your team, the sheriff, and two construction workers are the only people present for this. You don't need the public watching. If for some reason the body isn't in the coffin, then panic will ensue. It's nightfall by the time the process can begin, so there is no need for you to wear sunglasses outside. Hotch isn't too keen on the idea of doing this, but the sheriff has his heart set on this.

"I have to advise against this," Hotch tries again.

"With all due respect, this isn't your town. I have to convince them that Cortland Ryan is dead and buried."

"But you're indulging this killer by perpetuating the ruse he's created."

"He's right. It may embolden him and prompt more murders," Emily agrees.

"Sela lost her only daughter to that bastard. We met when I was working on the case and we grew close. I thought we'd gotten past all this, but I guess I was kidding myself."

The sheriff gestures to the construction workers so that they can begin the process. They turn on their machine that will help dig up the coffin, and as soon as it starts, you get a blinding headache. The loud noise vibrates your ears and therefore hurts the spot where you got injured.

Hotch doesn't have it any better. His ears are damaged from the explosion, and he doubles over in pain. You whimper and place your hands over your ears to help. You stagger back right into Spencer's arm, and he catches you before you fall to the ground.

"Hotch?" Emily asks and places her hand on his shoulder. "Hotch, are you alright? Can I do anything?"

"Y/N, are you okay?" Spencer panics.

The machine stays on for one more minute before it turns off, and you bury your head in Spencer's chest. Hotch's ears must be ringing, but your head is throbbing from the pain. Spencer wraps an arm around your back, and you try your best not to cry.

"I'm okay. I promise," you whisper.

If you had seen the bomb, then you and Hotch wouldn't be injured, and Kate would still be alive.

The coffin is opened, and when you approach it to look inside, your face drops. The coffin is empty. Either Cortland was never killed or someone stole his body. Either way, it's terrible news.

Instead of panicking the entire town that Cortland might be alive, the best thing to do is talk to the doctor who was in the room when Cortland died. Dr. Hagen has an opening the following morning, and you, Derek, and Rossi go visit him at his office.

"Thank you for seeing us on short notice," you say and take a seat at his desk.

"Of course. Now, what was this about?"

"Cortland Ryan. You were one of the doctors in the room when he died. Did he die?"

"Cortland is dead. There's no two ways about it."

"We're just trying to be thorough, Dr. Hagen," Derek says. "We heard that there may have been irregularities with the execution."

"His heart stopped. His pupils were unresponsive. Trust me. That is not the first execution I've pronounced at."

"It was the last," Rossi states. "Did something happen that day to prompt your resignation from the corrections department?"

"Everyone dies differently. Ryan went hard is all. After we cycled the drugs, we realized he was still alive. We weren't prepared for that."

"How is that possible?"

"The catheter dislodged. We reinserted it and started the potassium chloride. He started shaking and spitting. He was suffocating, and the catheter failed again. It took him almost an hour to die, almost as if something were keeping him here. He said this was going to happen, you know."

"What was going to happen?"

"His last words were 'I'll come back'. I have the video of his execution if you'd like to watch it."

"Yes, please."

Dr. Hagen gets the video and hands it over, and you wait until you get back to the police station before watching it. Everyone meets inside the empty conference room before you play the video. Cortland is on the table, but the officers give him an opportunity to say his last words.

"You may think you've seen the last of me, but death cannot take me from you. I will be born again. Today you make me a legend," Cortland grins on camera.

"He always had a flair for the dramatic," the sheriff says.

"We need to debunk this or the whole town's gonna panic."

"It's a little late for that."

The sheriff walks over to the window and lifts the blinds so that you can see the crowd forming outside. They are angry and scared and protesting that something is done to get rid of Cortland for good.

"The grave-robbing we can explain. It has to be a fan."

"You think the same person that did the copycat murder took Ryan's body?" the Sheriff asks.

"It's possible. He had to have help from someone on the inside. I checked the guards who were on duty that night, and the only one in that section was Sid Rutledge. He lives near here," Derek says.

"Good. You and Y/N head over there and see what you can find."

"Let's go," Derek nods.

You and Derek leave the police station and get into the car. As soon as he pulls onto the road, Penelope calls from her cave back in Virginia. Derek answers her call, and his phone immediately connects to the Bluetooth feature in the car.

"Did you know that John Wayne Gacy painted clowns? A murdering pedophile paints clowns, and people hang them on their walls. It's creepy on so many levels."

"Garcia, I didn't know you had that hang-up," Derek says.

"Coulrophobia--the abnormal fear of clowns," you say.

"Oh, no, there is nothing abnormal about it. When I was twelve, a hobo clown groped my breast at a birthday party and made this old-timey honking noise when he did it. Apparently, making it funny makes it okay."

"Were you able to find any auctions on Angel Maker memorabilia?" you ask.

"Oh, my vision, I found a ton. Mr. Maker was quite the self-promoter. He autographed everything: photos, panties, and for the discerning collector, screwdrivers. He also made these little origami figurines out of cigarette boxes, which, I hate to say, are really cute."

"Did you pinpoint the most active collectors?" Derek asks.

"That would be his overseas fans."

"What about local buyers who also turned up on the prison visitor log?"

"Nothing."

"What about sellers? A high-volume broker might know a broader spectrum of fans."

"There is one guy in particular who seems to be the local distributor, as it were. Sid Rutledge."

"Rutledge? He's a guard at Hawkesville, and the person we're going to visit."

"Keep me updated."

Penelope hangs up, and you shift uncomfortably in your seat. Derek looks over at you in concern before turning the music down a bit.

"Hey, what's going on with you?"

"I should have detected the bomb earlier," you sigh. "I should have seen it coming."

"Don't do that. Don't blame yourself. That wasn't your fault. It was Sam's and that entire cell's. You can't predict everything."

"You sound like Spencer," you scoff.

"Well, then, he is a very wise man."

Derek arrives at Sid's house, but something doesn't feel right. Apart from the front door being left wide open, something about this place doesn't sit right with you. You take out your gun and keep it trained in front of you for protection. Derek does the same thing as you both enter the house cautiously.

"Sid Rutledge, FBI. We're coming in," Derek announces.

You two make your way through the house, stopping in the back bedroom where Sid is. Unfortunately, he isn't alive.

"Damn," you sigh and lower your gun. "One to the head and one to the groin. That's personal."

"Yeah, well, if Rutledge was selling the unsub memorabilia, he knew his identity. The unsub is covering his tracks."

Something about this crime scene doesn't sit right with you, but whenever you try to focus on it, your head hurts. This is very frustrating for you but you don't take it out on Derek.

"Rutledge probably contacted him after you and Emily paid a visit to the prison. He let him in, let his guard down, and he was killed." 

You leave the bedroom and head to the bathroom in hopes that might tell you something about who did this or what happened. The first place you look is the medicine cabinet, and right off the bat, you see something that turns this whole case around.

"We got this unsub all wrong," you say and walk back into the bedroom. "He took Viagra. We're dealing with a female unsub. Damn it!"

"Hey, why are you taking this so hard?"

"I didn't see her energy. I couldn't focus because my head hurts. My head hurts because I got injured by a bomb that I should have seen coming."

"There's no point in blaming yourself. It's in the past. You learn to move on whether it was your fault or not. Which it isn't, by the way. Come on, we need to get back to the station."

Derek called this death in, and after the police showed up, you two headed back to the police station. Hotch was informed of this new discovery, and he gathered everyone not working in the field so that he can deliver the profile.

"There have been some strange happenings in this case, but I urge you not to abandon reason in the search for the truth. This is not the work of a ghost, and it's not the work of a killer coming back from the dead. This is the work of somebody who lives right here in lower Canaan, and this person is a woman."

"Her last victim, Sid Rutledge, was the Angel Maker's mule. He smuggled items out of Hawkesville Prison, including the semen that was planted at the first crime scene. She killed Rutledge because he knew she was the copycat, and also because he was blackmailing her."

"We now know that Rutledge was transferred to Hawkesville from a female prison in the wake of allegations that he was using his position to leverage sexual favors from inmates," Hotch says. "We think he did the same thing to our unsub; In exchange for his silence, he wanted sex."

"Because she shot him in the junk, right?" an officer asks.

"That, and the fact that he took a PDE-5 inhibitor shortly before his murder."

"A what?"

"Viagra. We're looking for a white woman in her mid-thirties, and she's highly intelligent. She's not just a fan, she's a groupie. Now, she's not what you would normally expect. More often than not, they're attractive, well-educated, successful, and some are even married," Derek explains.

"Generally, they fall into types. Some are reformers who are on a mission to save or rescue these murderers. Often, this type of groupie has been raised in a repressive, religious environment, and specifically have been exposed to the ideals of sexual repression and subjugation of women," Spencer says.

"Our unsub is a different type, one who suffers from hybristophilia," you say. "It's a sexual attraction to men who commit violent crimes. They give her a power that she lacks, which stems from low self-esteem and a need for a father figure."

"The victims were raped. How do you explain that?" an officer asks.

"She's using an instrument to simulate the sexual assault. This is something that she keeps in her rape kit along with the weapon that she's using to bludgeon her victims."

"This is a list of women who visited and wrote to the Angel Maker while he was in prison," JJ says, passing out papers to everyone. "We've started to track these leads, but the list is extensive, so we're gonna need your help."

"I could use your help," Rossi says, not giving you a choice.

The papers JJ passed out had women's names and addresses on them, so your entire team plus the officers go around town and talk to whoever they can to determine who the unsub is. 

x

Follow my library blog @aqueenslibrary​​​​​​​​​​ where I reblog all my stories, so you can put notifications on there without the extra stuff :)

[thegothicwriter]

My relief, My love~Rendog x reader

*Warning, deaths mentioned*

(Tired of being stressed while dealing with the pranks going on between their neighbors and getting her base caught in the middle, dear reader or Y/N tries to find some relief after yelling at two of their neighbors. Thankfully, our resident 'Gigacorps' member is there to help them out*

Being a hermit was exciting, fun, and stressing all at the same time and for one in particular, it was stressful as of late. Y/N was not having the best time right now and it was starting to show. Their base had been in the line of sight for pranks between Grian, Scar, and Doc and was now covered in both chickens and ender dragon eggs. "How is it even possible? Ender eggs....there only supposed to be one and I believe Pearl has it?" Y/N griped as they used the limited redstone knowledge they had to get rid of the eggs without making them teleport to another area. 'The chicken thing can be dealt with later...I'll just unleash the foxes on them.' Y/N thought before sitting down and sighing, watching as the redstone did its work. 

After a long time...roughly three hours or so, Y/N put the eggs away in chests before taking off to find Grian and Scar, Doc....Doc scared them and they knew he did not mean to drag Y/N's base into all this. "GRIAN! SCAR!" Y/N yelled out as they spotted the two who jumped and turned to look at Y/N before trying to take off. "Oh no you don't....." Y/N stopped and pulled out their bow-'GreenArrowIsBetterThanHotGuy' and shot several arrows at the two, killing them in the process. 'GoodTimesWithScar was slain by Y/N using 'GreenArrowIsBetterThanHotGuy' 'Grian was slain by Y/N using 'GreenArrowIsBetterThanHotGuy'. Y/N's pager went off with notifications and comments as to why they did that. Y/N waited until the two reappeared to get their things and put their hands on their hips. "You two....why....do you realize that I too, share border with the 'Perimeter'? And as a result, you both have caused MY BASE to be drug into this prank war you have with Doc." Y/N ranted and the two hermits winced as they continued the ranting. 

"Three double chests full of dragon eggs on my base and let us not start with the chicken thing!" Y/N finished saying while Grian and Scar looked at them with sheepish and embarrassed looks. "Why isn't Doc part of this though? The eggs came from him!" Grian tried to argue but Y/N gave him a look. "Doc didn't swing first...you did when you touched his device. Grian....you know what happens when you try to touch anything with redstone!" Y/N said while shaking their head. "We're sorry, Y/N....we didn't mean to drag your base into this....we'll make it us to you!" Scar offered and Y/N gave him look before sighing. "Just...end this soon, please." Y/N begged before they took off, not noticing a certain dog-hybrid take off after them as he had seen the death notifications and had been on his way to see what had happened, maybe even offer to help clean up the base. 

RenDog followed Y/N until they came to a stop near the river that flowed through the original spawn area and landed a few feet behind her. Y/N sighed and sat down on one of the rocks, pulling out a fishing line and cast it into the water as Rendog came and sat beside them. "I was going to come and help you clean up your base. Doc and I felt really bad about it." Y/N turned to look at Rendog who offered a slice of 'Giga Pie' with a slight smile. "Yeah, when we realized that some of the eggs ended up on your base and the chickens...that Doc and I had no idea would happen." Rendog said and Y/N shook their head fondly. Of all the hermits, Y/N could not be angry with Ren when he did things...like the whole 'Ren The King' thing, they may have been on the resistance, but they could not feel any anger towards Ren and helped get him his strength back. 

"Tell you what...come with me. I know the new additions have happened and I think I found a biome you have been looking for." Rendog said as he stood up and Y/N put the fishing rod away and followed Ren. They kept flying until several small pink petals started floating in Y/N's face and they smiled as Rendog landed in a Cherry Tree biome. Y/N landed as well and looked around, sighing with a smile on their face as they held a few of the petals in their hands. "Thanks Ren." Y/N said as they sat under one of the trees and Rendog followed suite and the two just sat under the trees enjoying the breeze and petals falling down around them. "I know I have said this a lot, since we last met on HC-S8, but Ren....I love you." Y/N said as they curled themselves into Ren's chest and Ren smiled, putting an arm around Y/N and held them close. "And I love you, Y/N." He gave a kiss to Y/N's head. 

A while later, Y/N flew back to her base, not seeing any chickens which made them smile, but what also made them smile was that the fourth part of their 'High Tower' base had been added...with Cherry blossom wood too! As they walked in, there were two signs, one written by Grian and another written by Scar. 'Sorry about the mess...hope the addition of a fourth part on your tower helps! Love, your friendly gremlin, Grian!' Y/N smiled and put the sign away before looking at the one from Scar and rolled their eyes. 'Added some new additions to your birthday/wedding cake base! Again, sorry about the whole prank thing. Love, your favorite archer!' "Scar.....it is not a birthday cake! Or wedding cake!" Y/N said with a small smile on their face and put the other sign away as well before going to bed, the moments with Ren going through their head as they fell asleep. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, the reason for the birthday cake base thing is because my base in Minecraft currently is literally shaped like a different flavored tiered cake!

Also, finally saw what Rendog looked like behind camera....and holy crap he is hot!!! Love the grey, sorry 'wisdom' hairs on his head. 

[rowenabean]

Just found my diary from my first week as a doctor 😂 I kept it half as a way of processing and half as a way of remembering what it was like in the theory that I might one day want to share it - and I am deeply glad that I don't have to be brand new any more! I was on call through the first weekend after I started, and at my hospital that meant working 10 days in a row with the two weekend days being 8am-10.30pm. If anyone would like to know what it's like on your first day as a doctor - read on...

(be aware it's kinda long, apparently I had a lot to say)

Day 1:

The first ward round is a chaotic mess. We have two surgeons, one registrar, four new house officers, and one buddy. Even between the five house officers, the ward round goes at such a pace that we can barely find the notes in time to hear the bosses move on to the next patient. All of us are scrambling to find notes, work out which patients are our patients and which belong to someone else, and write down some approximation of a plan. By 8.40am this hot mess has moved through four wards and the ICU (or the approximation of an ICU that is what [redacted hospital] has to offer) and we're sitting down trying to sort out what actually needs to happen in our days. I only have two patients, so I spend most of my time doing jobs for the others, and by 11am I feel like my day is in control, I am used to the power of being a doctor and signing things, and I might have a chance of getting through everything I said I would do.

Then my pager goes off.

In all the haze of the chaotic morning, I had forgotten that we might actually get new patients – that the hospital is actually still open despite our inexperience. My patients neither know nor care that it's my first day as a doctor; they want treatment just the same. So when I get a phone call with a GP referral, I say “of course we want to see them;” and when my consultant calls with another patient coming in (opening with “are you my house officer?”) I say the same. I get to ED and discover the first rule of doctoring: you can never trust your phone call to tell you the truth about how sick people are. The possible appendicitis child is happily sitting on the bed chatting away, and the vaguely unwell adult turns out to be dangerously septic. Sorting them both out takes most of the afternoon, but come 3.45 I have time to head up to the ward to handover, thinking that I might achieve the rare miracle of leaving on time on my first day. Halfway up there I run into one of the other surgical house officers, who first tells me he's just certified the death of one of my patients (not unexpected, but I am a little miffed no one bothered to page me and let me know) and then hands me a bunch of jobs to do.

At least there is this: was mostly able to smile at my patients, to be friendly, to engage and acknowledge and thank the people who helped me, and to help others as I could. In that way I held to my values and to the ways I want to be a doctor today.

Day 2:

More on top of things, more aware, more in control today. One patient went to [redacted major hospital]; the others are mostly fine.

Day 4:

Today was a low potassium kind of day, with prescribing errors abounding. So that's fun. Just coming out feeling slightly less competent as a doctor than when I went in. I don't think anyone's going to die as a result of it, but it has shaken me a tad. Haven't been able to set things down, have definitely carried my work home today.

Surprised by new patients again today. A nurse comes up to me and asks me about Mr X, and I say “definitely not my patient” and then stop and realise that my boss is operating downstairs, and actually this person probably is mine, and although I have never heard anything about him, his problems are mine to solve. It's fairly minor, though – a missed signature on the drug chart – and it's nice to be able to solve a problem at this point.

Day 5: Remarkably stressful day - just lots of jobs. Managed to do all the things, eventually, and left the hospital at 5 - James was going to be around late, but I was shattered and given that I'm coming back tomorrow, was not up for staying late.

Discovered that the possible passionfruit vine is in fact exactly that! Hooray! There are also a couple of stonefruit trees, but I saw them out a window and couldn't figure out which bit of outside the window corresponded to. Have not figured out the hospital layout yet.

Day 6:

I've been secretly dreading this – the arrival of the weekend. About halfway through the week it occurred to me that the weekend is not only two long days in a row – a challenge in itself – but that I am also responsible for all of the jobs and reviews from both orthopaedic and general surgical patients, and any ED calls, both days. By which I mean: there are only two junior doctors covering all inpatient beds, including the 6 bed ICU/CCU, for the whole weekend. The other one's a first year too. [Redacted] Hospital? Registrars? You've got to be kidding. (In fact, two weeks after I do my weekend, they start employing medical registrars as well; but for now, it's just me.) The day starts well, with a speedy orthopaedic ward round, but the general surgery boss on call is notoriously slow at rounding and by the time we get halfway through the patients it's 1200 and I've been paged 5 times to rechart a drug chart that someone missed. He is not my favourite person today.

(Almost signed the end of my diary entry there, after signing things all day)

Day 7:

My first big problem comes at around lunchtime. I've been seeing someone in ED, and am looking forward to lunch next, when I get a call from the ward; my patient, admitted for a fracture, is apparently having a major asthma attack. I head up at speed, and when I get there try to assess him. When I enter the room, he pulls off his nebuliser and starts insulting me and accusing me of not caring; it culminates in him refusing to be treated by me, and me leaving the room almost in tears and fortunately running into the second-year doctor rostered on to help out. He takes over the situation, handling it much more competently than I would have, but fortunately it means there is someone else who can take over with this patient. Most weekends there wouldn't be.

The orthopaedic surgeon has been and gone, but the general surgeon only starts the day at 11.30, for reasons of his own.The cafe at [redacted hospital] closes at 2pm on a weekend, for both lunch and dinner, and by 1.30pm – still on ward round, and anticipating going to theatre afterwards – I admit that that is my main concern. Fortunately, as we review yet another ICU patient (the whole unit belongs to me today) someone volunteers to run off and save me some food. At the same time I get a text from the other first-year on call that he's seeing my child who has been sitting in ED for 2 hours. I call both of them absolute gems, stars, my favourite human beings, and keep rounding. By the end of the round I have an unmanageable list of jobs (including finishing ward round notes on some of the patients – how is the round simultaneously so slow I accumulate 20 calls on my pager, and so fast I can't write notes for some patients? Why does my consultant stop to gossip with ICU nurses while I have jobs waiting? Why is the world against me?) and another patient waiting in ED, and an acute surgery that I'm supposed to be scrubbing in for. The consultant looks at me, and says he will find someone else to do it. I am simultaneously utterly relieved and rather embarrassed that my stress is so obvious to the outside world.

At 1730 my sick patient on the ward is finally stable, just in time for me to get called to theatre for an emergency caesarean. The one good thing about taking this time out of my day is that I get to give my pager to someone else and pretend I'm a student again for an hour. I arrive just as the consultant starts scrubbing, demonstrate my terrible slowness at scrubbing and gowning, but get to the table before the baby comes out. My assistance is the absolute minimum length of time necessary, and as soon as the consultant starts closing up I get to unscrub and hunt down Steve with my pager, and the beautiful man tells me he will go solve my problems while I go get some dinner. I pretend I'm not hiding from the nurses while I eat. I definitely am.

Day 10:

I can feel my compassion trickling out of my ears. The nurse wants me to review my patient's pain. I do not want to review my patient's pain. I would rather sit in the back room and finish abandoned discharge summaries from the weekend. On day 1, all I wanted was reasons to go and have a chat to my patients; it's depressing to realise how much fatigue changes that.

(on day 11, I flew down to my university city for graduation - that's right, there was a small enough gap between medical school and starting as a doctor that I had not even formally graduated yet)

[uncloseted]

I have ADHD and I also get really annoyed when people on the internet claim people are faking their ADHD. I've even seen people claim that it isn't real and people shouldn't take medication for it. The people saying these things seem to have extremely limited knowledge on ADHD. As someone who didn't get diagnosed until I was 21 this rhetoric concerns me. Not being diagnosed/medicated for so long made life so much harder and I would hate to see others not get the help they need

I think it's just a super complicated issue and the internet doesn't like nuance. Certainly, ADHD does exist- it's a neurodevelopmental disorder that has a huge impact on people's lives and well-being. And stimulant medications are the most effective treatment for people with ADHD- people with ADHD do really need their medication to be able to function. But it's also true that stimulant medications are not one-size-fits-all, and some people with ADHD don't respond well to them. It's important that people find a medication that works for them, not the one that "should" work because it works for other people.

And it's also true that some people online are incorrectly self-diagnosing themselves as having ADHD because they've noticed executive functioning issues in themselves and can't or don't want to see a medical professional about it. It's also true that there's a lot of misinformation online that leads people to incorrectly come to the conclusion that they have ADHD. That's a problem because it means those people aren't getting the treatment that they need; they're just getting an excuse they can give other people.

It's true that ADHD appears to be underdiagnosed in girls and in underprivileged communities, and it's good that people in those populations are starting to recognize they may have ADHD. But it's also true that ADHD appears to be overdiagnosed among boys in well-off communities. That's a problem because, in some communities, normal childhood behavior is being pathologized and treated as "a problem".

It's true that ADHD medication can reduce the rates of substance use disorder in people with ADHD, and so it's important that people with ADHD do find a medication that works for them. But it's also true that people without ADHD abuse ADHD medications as a party drug or a study drug, and that some people without ADHD do become addicted to stimulant medications. That's a problem, because while ADHD medication does increase life span in people with ADHD, taking it in recreational doses can lead to serious medical issues. Even in people with ADHD, ADHD medications can, rarely, cause medical complications. But it's also true that we live in a capitalist system that obligates us to work without rest, so it makes sense that some people without ADHD would want- or feel like they desperately need- that extra edge just to be able to survive, regardless of the potential long term consequences to their health.

It's true that the diagnostic process for ADHD is imprecise and complicated. It's true that getting a prescription filled for ADHD medication is currently far more complicated than any person with ADHD can actually navigate, so it needs to become easier. But it's also true that people do try to game that diagnostic process and that certain online telehealth platforms have intentionally overdiagnosed ADHD and overprescribed ADHD medications, which has, in part, caused the shortage of ADHD medications that we're in now.

I guess what I'm getting at is yes, absolutely, I want to see other people get the help that they need. I know how much getting a diagnosis and receiving treatment has changed my life, and I want that for everyone else who's struggling. But it's not so cut and dry as that. There are a lot of legitimate concerns about how ADHD gets diagnosed, treated, and how we view it culturally, and ignoring those issues isn't going to help anyone in the long run. People need to start looking at ADHD policy in an evidence-based way and to start making decisions accordingly, but that's really difficult when nuance gets drowned out.

[shawnjacksonsbs]

Filp a stronghold to work for you. How 'bout them apples? 9-7-24

"A “stronghold” is a thought-pattern that controls us. It could be fear, greed, inferiority, lust, etc. It’s a “stronghold” because it holds us strongly in its grip." - J.D.

I know . . .a few people who write. I'd say like me, but for real, I don't know that to be entirely true.

What I do know is it's mostly for good, positive reason, influence, and/or togetherness.

So much knowledge about how to deal with our everydays is at our fingertips and can be washed ashore by taking the time to read another's thoughts, especially those who've similar . . .respects(?).

It's not always that they're like me, or even reaffirming my place in my own life, but I catch a lot.

Some missed messages, some forgotten, and yes, even some new ones.

I read a friends written piece, then I Googled a couple things. I found this,

-[A stronghold in a person's mind is when a thought which is usually easy to dismiss evolves into a reinforced combination of entangled thoughts that become "firmly entrenched and difficult to change, acting like a fortress that guards negative beliefs or patterns of behavior.]

and between his writing and a little research, my entry that follows flowed.

Getting caught in addictive negatives isn't always drugs or alcohol.

Lots of people have "smaller", or more socially acceptable struggles. Things that may not even be deemed a struggle by a lot of others.

Maybe, just needing new ways to look at things, new ways to stay positive are less intrusive if intricately woven into someone else's "win(s)".

I find plenty for myself everywhere, all the time. Some I intentionally seek out, and some I stumbled upon, but both were there for me to find because someone else shared a piece of themselves.

It helps to have an open mind, too. So as not to close off people in areas of my biases that may have good insight to other, and even unrelated . . .things.

Most of everyone who knows me knows where I stand on subjects related to religion, but man, have I found some good stuff, from a few religious persons over the years. Even good, foot notes or messages from inside their "belief system and books".

My point is, we don't all have to agree on everything, but some of us can agree on different pieces that can keep us whole as we try to get to where we're going, even if the places we think we're headed are different.

~

I have routine. I believe it's important also, but I have an open mind too. I may not be up for random, spur of the moment road trips across the country, but I'm always willing to see if a change might benefit me by instilling it into . . .my problems, or just my life. It can become a part of the regular process.

I do love routine though.

Man, if "young man Shawn" knew that I'd be here. . .he'd shit himself if he could stumble out of denial long enough to see that I am him. 😆

I am happy.

I am grateful.

I want others to see me this way, and I wish the same joy for most other people.

Wash, rinse, and repeat as desired.

Be kind as always you can guys. And, share your love and your laughter with the world around you.

Imagine the best naturally occurring feeling of anything good you've ever felt. Wouldn't it be nice if you could share that with others without yours losing its intensity?

I'll never stop trying unless I lose the ability.

Until next time;

"Discipline doesn’t bring immediate joy, but it brings lasting joy later on." - J.D.

[nxtanxtherunknxwn]

02 | Little White Dwarf | Writing Practice

I can't help but to feel like a fool as they smirk up at me. Their shifty eyes are so full of energy as their teasing persists. I know they understand what they do to me, but they don't care. They seek to make me more smitten. Their hands on my chest as they smile and giggle, god my heart's already racing. It's as though they're up to something, that is, pulling strings on my heart. They know me better than I know myself or even know them. I see their beauty whilst they can't and they see the aspects of me I try to hide even from myself.

We're both so different, yet when they kiss me I know that doesn't matter to them.

They taste like cherries, and soda, and what a rose smells like. They're like an addiction I couldn't live without, and in many ways, I couldn't. Everything about them from their laugh and smile to their eyes and heart keeps me alive, warming me up in their tight embrace. Even if they're small and insignificant to most, I couldn't imagine the void of life without them by my side.

Maybe that's their one and only flaw. The damage they do to me every time they leave. Even as they kiss me and say they love me, they never commit. They're just stringing me along. Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever have what I dream of having, and other times I wonder if I'm a fool for staying hopeful. I know chasing them may bring me closer to death's door, but who is to say it wouldn't be a happy end?

I know that a wise person wouldn't let themselves be treated like this, but maybe I'm not wise. 'Maybe I stay because what they say and do is something I've never felt before' I lie to myself when I begin to doubt this relationship. But I know the truth, I know my truth. I've tried to be with others like them, others who can fill me with as good of sensations.

But they never fulfil it in similar ways. Some make me feel good in the moment and then I come crashing down to a reality of what they've done, what I've done. Others give me the feeling but's only temporary and fragile like already shattered glass stuck together. Recently I tried another alternative to 'being with' them and whilst it mimics every aspect I could dream of, it doesn't play out exactly as it does in real life.

I see how other people just manage to get their partners so easily. It frustrates me to think that I can't have what they do with them. Maybe I haven't fought hard enough, or maybe they don't want me? Maybe I am to them, just a distraction, like how I seek out vices to pretend they love me, they seek me out to fill a void. Perhaps we're both filling voids and hurting each other in the process. As I seek out these vices they change me, and it becomes harder for me to say I love them.

I feel guilty knowing that for all our potential, they and I may never be. That scares me, but does it scare me because I love them, or because I am like what they do for me? Filling a void with their laughter, their kisses, their love... Maybe what we had never was love. Maybe what we have is love and my growing addiction to vices prevents me from seeing what I'm doing wrong. Regardless, what I fear is that we both know this won't last, the only question is, who'll quit this drug we call 'love' first...

[threenorth]

Today I met with the crisis team. Just to explain everything that's going on and they said they would help try pull things together, I don't really understand what they do as such because mental health in New Zealand is such a joke... Honestly.. It's such a fucking joke.

Like I couldn't call the crisis line when I was in crisis because I had to be referred or self referral and go through the process now l and vast couldn't use their help when I needed it, and they are checking on me that I'm doing ok now we're see if any triggers come up while I try do my common life tasks...work...shopping... Y'know.

My pyschtrist said he will try see me the 27th.

Unless there's any cancellations to see him sooner, really hoping this is the one he's like we're gonna try you on this because I really need quiten out my brain, and it's been good the past few days not thinking as much.

I've found my temporary hold over drugs helpful to me keeping me less axouis, but sometimes very zombie mode I also need to call back the medical maple nurse because I was going to try order some medical eatibles but need a letter incase of drug tests, get my photo taken for a medical card, when she last called I was in a pretty bad mental state as I was still trying to get the right doesage of lorzopam dialed in to ask how long the script lasts for given its been awhile and I've had some bills seeing three professionals at $165 and $210x3 and what ever my insurance is taking, in the past month and now I'm on one month part time reduced hours salary...

But who knows my psych might be cool and we can do pharmacogenomics-pgx, that might be interesting if we can get pre approval for both dna tests that I think could help me long term.

Such as I may just always have a vitamin b defenince as part of being autisc and getting a script once a month for it and some other things.

My psychologist is away for two weeks and is a behavioural? Psychologist and autism new Zealand says that might not be for the best approach, we might have to try invesgate a new one? Because there's a few but hard to get autism specific psychologists.

I can't tell if it was water weight because I'm taking creatine, the ammions or that I'm eating better but I gained 7lbs were see small steps.

Man it's so hard to keep everyone happy, hahahaha this thing called self management.

It feels so exhausting trying to give mental energy to somethings, maybe it's just fatigue from thinking so much for the past awhile.

And how I include new things like having my mass gainer between meals 2 or 3 times a day.

Pills before I eat, pills after I eat something.

Drinking my alomuld milk 3 of them each week, I gotta drink some tomorrow.

Yeeeesh, it's only going to be harder if my adhd drugs become a appattite suppressant.

At least there's smoovies... I need to go to the library and see if I can find any good ones or try snag some from revies kitchen.

Then becaause I'm a grog in the morning with a ship sleep schedule, that I needed to fix after dinner I need to start making my breakfast and lunch for the next day possibly and makeing overnight oats for the morning.

I also have to try doing more protein combings it's like peanut toast and pumpkin seeds.

Also investigating going to the India spice store and picking up letlis and maybe dahl?

My dietain says eating more beans, chickpeas like huymss and letials, there is lental pasta whitch helps, and I don't even know if the amount of lentil pasta I had was my daily amount of protein.

I see my ent on the 30th I think it's all clear and it feels good being able to actually breathe better now then before, but in turn soon to return back to my breathing physio and pushing though that barrier, I should also order from Ali express an oximitor to know if it's my asmtha or my axenity picking up as it's definitely hard to fell as a panic attack it's just like asthma attack.

Well that's about it for today, work sucks I have to make a power point for the new interns who are coming in during the winter break? Or something I to be honest wasn't really paying attention because I'm mentally exhausted.

Oh and it's fucking Monday weeeee...

Small steps, almost back in gear.