#so this'll be somewhat painful but also god what a joy and a gift and an honor and a delight to get to hold this close to my heart Tumblr posts
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as I'm going back over my past history and items and journals and years, I come across all sorts of things, like the pencil I saved from that so-precious memory from second grade, and a pair of flip flops I've been missing for two years, and [checks notes] the modern-high-school-AU-kidnapped-by-a-serial-killer story I wrote in late high school jdfsjdfsjkjlksfd
#i can't wait to find out what red flags I didn't see in my own self back when I last read this thing in 2015 hfdhfdhjsfd#also. there's gonna be like a good sentence here and there and then CRINGE. the whole rest of everything is just me still trying to copy th#breathing pace (essentially) and ways-of-describing-things of mainstream authors like I thought I was supposed to#so this'll be somewhat painful but also god what a joy and a gift and an honor and a delight to get to hold this close to my heart#and witness it with understanding and empathy and slow reflection and care like my past younger self deserves#i'm so lucky i'm alive to be here and do this#i'm so grateful i'm headed towards welcoming back and embracing the last little girl i was that still felt a lot of things#so excited for her focus and precision and tenacity and constant curious joy and movement to be back someday#i'm afraid people won't like the me i was before rule after rule and then dangers#but my god it'll feel so good to be the fully-flowing energy machine and dance and conduit again how will I have enough bother to care?#people who are good to each others' nervous systems cumulatively feel better and better#if i'm not good for you and yours then you really truly SHOULD go elsewhere and find someone who makes YOUR self feel right and light + war#anyway now that i wrote an essay in the tags as usual [nervous laughter]#personal#add to journal#words n rhythm#WHY DID I FEEL CAPABLE OF UNDERTAKING A STORY LIKE THIS#cradling my past self gently but also BANGING my HEAD against the WALL lmao#i'm proud of myself for writing and sharing this and its creative ideas. even if i don't like it now or feel ashamed or see mistakes.#anything. it mattered that it came to me and it mattered that i explored it and it mattered that i poured myself through it to help shape i#and it mattered that I left it on the internet so that now it still exists. i'm going to honor this story no matter what current me would#objectively think about it if it was written by anyone else.#this is a gift i give myself now.#this is a lot of what I learn and learn to do#trauma evolution#mosswrites
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