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[dicloniusgames]

My Top 5 Most Bullshit Bosses In Dark Souls Remastered

So I’ve just completed my first foray into the Dark Souls or as some people term it “Souls-Borne” franchise and Dark Souls Remastered has some good boss fights, some okay boss fights and boss fights that are utter bullshit. 

What qualifies as bullshit to me are either the mechanics of the fight, the design of the boss, where the fight takes place and the run to the boss (I.E. enemies in the way of the boss and the difficulty of reaching the boss). So anyway, let’s get through the bullshit and begin. 

Dishonorable Mention: Crossbreed Priscilla 

Located in The Painted World Of Ariamis, Crossbreed Priscilla is a scythe-wielding half dragon. The world she’s located in is visually appealing and while filled with the generic starting enemies, they introduce some bullshit death-inducing enemies that can either be easy one-shot kills if you’re not prepared or if you are, can be soul fodder. The run to Priscilla isn’t all that hard, but can be a pain if you get caught be poison, skeleton wheels, or King Jeremiah (only appears if you’re in human form) and have to trek back if you haven’t opened any shortcuts to get to Priscilla. 

The fight itself, well first off, you’re given a choice to not fight her, which makes this entirely optional and pointless unless you intended from the start of your game to fight her. So basically, the game’s telling you that your time in the painted world was for nothing unless you intend on fighting Priscilla, which I did. If you choose to fight her, be prepared to fight the invisible woman. The only real way to damage her is to track her footprints. This fight’s utter bullshit because while you do get her boss soul and a nice amount of souls as a reward, it invalidates going back to the asylum to get the Peculiar Doll required to go to the painted world. 

#5: Moonlight Butterfly 

Possibly one of the easiest boss fights in the game, considering if you’re a ranged or magic character, the Moonlight Butterfly is a pushover. If you’re not, it’s still a pushover, but it turns into a bullshit waiting game of dodge the magic butterfly. If you’re a melee build, the only way to damage it is to wait until it recharges its magic and then go to town. 

Located in Darkroot Garden, the boss fight takes place on a narrow bridge, but wide enough for the player to dodge the butterfly’s magic attacks. The environment of the fight itself isn’t anything too special to talk about but the run to the boss is. While on your way to the fight, you’ll encounter rooted plant enemies and a few steel giants in the area, but with preparation comes domination as these enemies are pushovers themselves with the right weapons and upgrades. It’s an easy run presuming you defeated the demon under the church which provides a shortcut from the bonfire nearest Andre the Blacksmith to Darkroot Garden. 

The fight itself is pretty simple no matter what class you are as it turns into a game of “butterfly dodgeball” and the boss itself is like sitting on your ass while getting paid to do it. 

The reason Moonlight Butterfly is bullshit is how the fight prefers one build to another unless you incorporate the 5 D’s (Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive and Dodge). 

#4: Stray Demon 

Ah the demons of Dark Souls. With three in total, two are optional...technically though I found myself fighting the Taurus Demon anyway. The Stray Demon IS optional bullshit. 

To fight the Stray Demon, you’ve got to trek back to the asylum the game started in, but once you get there, the bullshit begins. 

As you stroll through the asylum, the floor caves in under you and you automatically lose half your health. Yeah, I call utter bullshit mechanic there as the game could’ve let you rolled to avoid damage, so you’ve got to take an Estus Flask as soon as the fight begins or the Stray Demon will eat you for lunch, dinner, and possibly a midnight snack. 

The fight and arena themselves are both difficult and cramped, but to the player, he/she has familiarity as the fight is similar to the previous two demon fights. What separates the Stray Demon is his AOE fire attack and his seemingly limitless range given the size of the arena. 

The only reason he wouldn’t be considered bullshit is that he’s optional and therefore can either be skipped or saved for later in the story when the player’s character is stronger to possibly one or two-shot him. Otherwise, the Stray Demon is utter bullshit and should be skipped if you’re playing DS Remastered unless you really want to visit The Painted World Of Ariamis as you acquire the item necessary to go there. 

#3: Pinwheel 

I don’t know if I can say anything new about Pinwheel that hasn’t been said. This boss fight’s so easy, you could take a shit faster than this fight lasts. Labeled as the easiest boss in Dark Souls Remastered, Pinwheel’s major ability is that he can summon clones of himself, but even then, if you come fully stocked with upgraded weapons, this fight’s a no-brain victory for the player. 

Located in The Catacombs under Firelink Shrine, the boss fight itself is a shamble. The run to it is utter hell. The Catacombs is full of skeletons, necromancers and skeleton wheels. The game tells you to prepare a divine weapon to kill said skeletons, but you’ve also got to watch out for the necromancers who can revive them, and also the traps the area litters itself with. 

However, what moots this entire area is the shortcut the player can take to get to Pinwheel as fast as possible, but it requires precise platforming and some battles against the skeleton wheels to get there. It’s still bullshit because Pinwheel is more of a pushover than Moonlight Butterfly. I literally beat Pinwheel with 3 hits.....THREE HITS. Granted it’s mandatory to get to one of the four major bosses in a connecting area, Pinwheel is utter bullshit because Pinwheel is easy as fuck to beat in one shot. If you die to Pinwheel, shred your label as a gamer and go farm souls for an entire day. 

#2: Capra Demon

Welcome to Bullshit City, population you and everyone else who played both the original Dark Souls and Dark Souls Remastered and chose to fight this boss. Yes I said “chose.” I found out the Capra Demon is OPTIONAL. That’s the only reason this isn’t #1, but oh boy let’s get to the reasons as to why this boss is full of bullshit. 

The run to the boss isn’t too harsh as long as you kill the poison dogs quickly as they can inflict poison quickly and at the stage in the game the Capra Demon appears in, there isn’t too many remedies to poison unless you want to farm souls to buy them from the tunnel vendor right outside Firelink Shrine. 

Once in the boss room, this fight may last shorter than your first sexual encounter. Not only is the Capra Demon tough, he’s accompanied by two poison dogs. What in the holy blue fuck? You better be prepared to see the words “You Died” a shit ton until you get the hang of killing the dogs first and then spamming the plunge attack for massive damage against the demon himself. 

The arena you fight him and his lackies in is smaller than a padded cell in an institution. Once you cross that fog, either prep to die or run your ass towards the stairs to fend off the dogs and cheap out the boss. 

So now we get to the most bullshit boss in all of Dark Souls Remastered and if you’re guessing the obvious like I did after beating it and the game...well, you’ve just crossed over into a universe full of bullshit. 

#1: Bed Of Chaos (AKA Bed Of Bullshit Platforming & Death)

That’s right everyone, the Bed Of Chaos earns top billing as the most bullshit boss in all of Dark Souls Remastered and why....? Well let’s take a look at the many reasons. 

First off, the run to the boss can be a pain if you aren’t prepared or heavily overleveled....AKA not playing as a “legit Souls player.” While the enemies you face on the way aren’t too difficult, they come in bunches. Also, the damn lava and avoiding the dragons, but thankfully, you get the lava resistance ring after defeating a previous boss. 

Once you get to the Bed Of Chaos though, prepare to die....more than a shit ton. If the boss doesn’t directly kill you, the platforming will. That’s right, this is a gimmick fight. With two protective orbs to get to and destroy, the boss will use both fire and its overreaching limbs to kill you while trying to get to said orbs, but to the boss itself. 

If you can overcome all that, it’s a likely one shot to the Bed Of Chaos and that’s it for one of the four mandatory major bosses to reach the final boss. 

Well that’s about it. Those are my five most bullshit bosses in Dark Souls Remastered. Next will be what I consider to be the five best bosses in the game. So keep your seat buckled and grab your adrenaline shot and keep your fingers on the controller.