#so thankfully i don't have to draw friends for those three

[der-schweizer]

This is a little idea about the post of @proneterror204 make sure to hit them up for the og post.

Danny was somewhere between bored, tired (which he almost always was) and generally not okay. How his parents had managed to draw the attention of Wayne Enterprise and get invited to a Gala that Bruce Wayne himself was hosting, was beyond him.

Granted he hadn't even known about it until about three days ago. Honestly he should be used to getting utterly blindsided by his parents ‘Come on, Danny. We are going to drive for the next three days. It's going to be fun’-type of surprises.

They had just left him enough time to lock down the portal, something his dad should have done, grab his suit that Vlad had gifted him. (As much as he dislikes the Froot Loop, Danny wasn’t stupid enough to throw out a multi-thousand Dollar suit.) And then they were off.

He managed to sneak in a few texts to Sam and Tucker on the ride. So now he was here, halfway bored out of his head. He had already been talked to multiple times, and each time got mistaken for one of the Wayne kids.

Danny could see it honestly. Blue eyes, Black hair, decent build body and an air of exhaustion that hung around most of them like a cloak. It was probably the reason why they kept coming to him. Thankfully he managed to shake them off rather quickly.

He had finally found a quiet corner where he could lurk and eat some of the finger food that was laid out on the buffet. Going for thirds was tempting as everything was very tasty but sadly not very filling.

“Man, I could go for a burger.”

A snort came from next to him, which nearly startled him. The girl that had been in the corner before was putting a hand over her mouth in clear embarrassment.

“Uhm. Hi?” Danny gave an awkward wave, not knowing how he should talk to her. In turn she said a quiet “Hello” whilst also signing it. Danny of course immediately picked up on it.

“Sorry to ask but are you…” he gestured towards his ears, signing himself in case she was deaf. The girl looked at him with surprise before smiling softly. “No, I don't like talking.”

“Ah, perfectly understandable. I do know ASL, one of my friends is almost deaf but she got those fancy implants that let her hear everything.”

In lieu of the answer all he got was an “Mhh.” He went quiet after, having no fucking idea what to talk about. Danny quietly wondered what the fuck he could even talk about, the weather? Either rain or fog. The city? Rockbottom in every poll except for crime. Thinking about it gave him an idea.

“Say, who is your favorite Vigilante?”

The question got her attention, making her think for a moment before quietly saying. “Like Wing. Yours?” Danny mused for a second, humming loudly.

“Hmm, I think it's Orphan. I mean, have you seen her move? Just pure grace and elegance. I bet she is an immortal Vampire that simply got bored and decided to fight crime.”

He didn’t see how she blushed, “No.”

Danny just scoffed, “Are you kidding me? She moves with far too much elegance and grace to be mortal. Credit to the other bats but they move like mortals. She dances around both rogues and vigilantes!”

She turned away for a moment, trying to hide that she was blushing but it didn't really work. “Orphan. Is. good. What about others?”

“Oh, hmm.” Danny looked up whilst tapping a finger against his chin. “Well there’s Red Hood and Stabby Robin. Both are top tier, which should be a no brainer.”

She tilted her head in thought. “Why?”

“Well. Stabby robin practices the art of the sword, a forgotten art in modern times. And Red Hood shoots pedophiles! Who doesn't like that?” Danny set his empty plate aside, looking around for a waiter with drinks.

Her answer drew his full attention back to her. “Batman.”

Danny scoffed at the name. “Yeah, of course he doesn't like that. I mean have you looked at the costume of the very first Robin? Doesn't take much imagination why he dislikes Hood offing pedos.”

A crackle in her ear drew Cass’s attention away from him. “Red Robin here, Lantern and Superman are moving in to arrest his parents. Can you keep him distracted for a while longer?”

“Mmm. You still want burger?”

“Huh? Uh, yeah? Do you know a good place?” The question itself caught him absolutely off guard.

“Yes, take me out?” She tilted her head, giving him a cute look. Danny just shrugged, “Sure, my parents are going to take hours to explain everything anyway and they keep getting sidetracked whilst doing so. I fully expect to still be here tomorrow. Might as well spend the time with a cute girl.”

She blushed visibly, then stuck out her hand. “Cass, we date now.” He grabbed her hand, flushing a bit as well. “I’m Danny.”

“No, not Danny. You boyfriend.” She hooked her arm with his and pulled him along. Danny quickly went along with it, not saying no to it.

In Cass’s ear Red Robin spoke again. “Uh Cass? That wasn't the plan. You don't have to date him. Cass? Please don't make me explain this to B.” A click was heard as another com went to the same line. Batman growled out a simple. “Follow. Them.” before it went off.

Cassandra just put a bit more pep into her step as she pulled her new boyfriend towards her personal favorite Bat burger.

Nightwing clicked his comm on, “Found them. They are in the parking lot at main and fifth street.”

He spent a moment taking a picture of them. It showed them sitting on a concert divider, with Danny pointing up with his left whilst holding a half eaten burger in his right. Cass was sitting next to him,a bunch of fries sticking out of her mouth whilst she was grabbing a bunch more. She is also starring right at the camera. Her look perfectly said ‘if you ruin this date, i will end you’.

Batman's voice echoed in his ear, “Keep your eyes on Danny. He might have the same ideology as his parents. Oa and the lanterns are already moving in on the Ghostly Investigation Ward. We might have to take him into custody if things turn bad.”

Dick was just about to answer when Cass abruptly stood up, dranging Danny up and then away.

“Hold on, they just started moving again.” Nightwing got up from his perch and followed them quickly.

Tim worked on cutting through the strange rope, “Okay. Just to make sure I got everything right. Danny and Cass went to Batburger and had some takeout, then went for a walk in the park whilst you followed them, right?”

Dick who was trying not to wiggle, nodded. "Yeah."

“Then some weird ass shadow creature jumped you, tied you up and hung you from this tree, right?”

“You are forgetting the part where I described it as a lady from the eighteen sixties, and the part where she said to leave ‘the king of kings’ in peace. Other than that you got it spot on.”

“You know, I would make fun of you for that but considering that there is no knot in this rope and its tough as hell I will believe you.”

“Great. Do we know where they went after I lost them?”

Tim looked him right in the eyes. “Steph found them, and considering how red she was when she came back, it's best to wait until morning.”

Dick opened his mouth to ask why before it clicked in his head. “Oh.”

“Yeah, oh.”

Danny woke up groggy, his eyes were crusted over and his limbs felt heavy. For a moment he just laid there, then did a full body stretch, stretching from toes to fingertips.

After it he laid there for a moment listening to noises in the room. He could hear cars and their horns. Some shouting down the hall and the shower in the bathroom.

That prompted the memories of last night which caused the ‘i got laid’ grin. He let out a satisfied noise, before crossing his arms behind his head.

After a moment Danny wondered if Cass would be up to ‘share’ the shower only for him to freeze at the sight of the Batman in the room.

“Uuuhhh.”

“Daniel James Fenton.” Batman growled out. “You are hereby placed under investigation by the Justice League for potential violation of interdimensional rights. Your parents have already been arrested and are awaiting their trial. Do you have anything to say to that?”

[jacarandaaaas]

If baby moana can do THAT

How old is she her?! 10 months old at best?! I'll be nice and she's a year old but that takes real intelligence for someone so young. If she can do that, I'm sure she can weave just about anything she puts her mind to. And what if weaving was one thing Mirabel didn't know how to do/struggle with, and Moana made it her MISSION to teach her. Y'know, just as a friend...heh...nothing more.

But back to the Daycare au, I agree that it should be in a more modern setting. I also agree that it should be for the summer but mostly weekends.

Both teens are the most FAVORITE daycare attendants/babysitters of the kids (don't tell the other sitters that).

The first time the older attendants saw Mirabel they thought she had at least two cups of coffee, but Camilo was like- "No, that's just who she is"

The bags are a little but not enough to be a nuisance.

Both are fluent in ASL and SSL. Mirabel can speak basic Japanese and Camilo can speak basic French.

I don't know a lot of kids, but I've read somewhere that the best way to speak to a kid is by crouching down to their or sitting on your knees. Doing that shows you see the kid as a person and not someone to just talk down to or order around.

I can see Mirabel and Camilo doing this, especially when they see the kid having a hard time emotionally.

Both know rowdy kids are rowdy for a reason. The first step is to try to get them to calm down so the kid can explain why they are upset. 9 out of 10 times it works.

Other times the best solution is to get a little stern, not too much to scare the heck out of them, but to show them who's boss a little bit. If nothing is wrong with and the kid is just being a jerk they go to the unhappy corner.

Camilo HATES discipling the kids with a passion. Even if the punishments are very light it still hurts them. Seeing their little pouts is cute but still makes him sad.

The only kind of punishment that a bad kid will get is going to sleep early (which we all know kids can't stand) or going in the unhappy corner.

I think the most kids they should handle should be about 15 at a time, even that's a bit much.

Mirabel more than likely made stuffed animals/mochilas for kids that are frequent at the daycare. Why wouldn't she?

Both don't tolerate Karen's/disrespectful parents. It takes restraint not to tackle those people to the ground. And I have a feeling child service has been called more than once. These two don't play when it comes to kids.

These two come home covered in glitter, stickers, and marker drawings all over their clothes. Thankfully all three of those things are removable/washable.

I'll think I'll draw their uniforms; They'll have a teacher/kid core vibe to them. Mature but fun.

Also, I didn't know Mirabel's bag was called a mochila, so thanks for that.

omg wait your mind>>> moana sucking at most arts and crafts but being amazing at weaving and mirabel being amazing at arts and crafts but this is the one thing she can’t get!! I can totally see moana teaching her!! would be so cute😭 the kids are just shocked that THE art girl mirabel cant do it!? they thought she could make literally anything!

omg mirabel is absolutely that one person who’s just wired to the moon at 8am😭 nobody understands how she has so much energy even without caffeine! them knowing multiple languages is interesting! can totally see them both being really good at understanding the kids emotional needs! and as mirabel says camilo won’t stop till he makes you smile today! The unhappy corner😭😭 that sounds like a corny name only miss mirabel madrigal could come up with😭🙏 I love that! yes agreed they shouldn’t be dealing with a lot of kids as after all they’re still kids themselves! mirabel making custom plushies for them omg!! she would! she would ask what color and all! glitter absolutely EVERYWHERE!!! but they never complain! in fact I think mirabel is more obsessed with the glitter than the kids are💀and ooh yes would love to see their outfits!! and no problem! this au sounds so fun and silly!

[hiveworks]

Hiveworks Interview with Clover, author of Go Get A Roomie! and Little Tiny Things

June 2023

Go Get A Roomie! is a queer found-family slice-of-life comic that began in 2010, featuring Roomie and her friends as they work through their internal and interpersonal struggles, as well as journeys of self discovery.

This month, Hiveworks is hosting a crowdfunding campaign to print the fourth and final volume of beloved webcomic Go Get A Roomie! by Clover.

We asked author Clover to talk about their experiences with GGAR, webcomics, and staying creative.

As the creator behind several comic series, what drew you to the webcomic medium?

I first found out that webcomics existed around 2008 and had a few favorites I followed regularly. Being into drawing comics myself, the thought of doing a webcomic creeped into mind slowly but surely. I loved how accessible webcomics were, how easy it seemed to be to start one, how certain webcomic communities were. So I started one :)

Go Get A Roomie! started in 2010. The world has changed a lot since then! What was it like to post queer content online then and now?

There are way more queer webcomics now than before! Go Get a Roomie! probably partly owes its success to the fact that there weren't too many queer ongoing webcomics back then.

Readers demanded more queer content, more specific to their needs. Now there's more choice. If you don't like a queer webcomic, you can find another one without any hassle!

How has the landscape of posting webcomics online generally changed for you? Has your audience changed?

Posting for three different webcomics means discovering what it's like to have a different audience for each, though some webcomics are similar enough that the audience remains largely the same. Generally though, I've had very positive experiences with most of my audience! They've been caring, and understanding enough that I've never felt rushed, or judged for taking time off when needed.

Go Get A Roomie! has concluded and you're now onto your newest slice-of-life work, Little Tiny Things, which updates Tuesdays and Thursdays. How do you stay motivated with posting your comics regularly?

I do it because I love doing it! Not that it's always easy to maintain the same schedule, but I like knowing that the story advances at a "fast" enough pace. I want readers to discover more of what I want to show them!

In addition to LTT and GGAR, you are also the creator of Headless Bliss, a surreal comic that bends towards horror. It's very different from your slice-of-life work. How does Headless Bliss fit into your creative process and identity as an artist?

Go Get a Roomie! had a few surreal elements when a character dreamed, or told stories, and I had a lot of fun with those moments because it was so different from the slice-of-life, 4-paneled, jokes I wrote for GGAR. It meant I could explore more, narration-wise and tool-wise. But it wasn't enough, I had ideas for another story that was way more psychedelic, because I've always loved those kinds of stories too (comics like Sandman have inspired me a lot), and so Headless Bliss was born. I loved having two comics of two different vibes to jump from one to the other.

Go Get A Roomie! has been successfully crowdfunded into three books, with the fourth and final volume currently underway. What do you think are the benefits of transforming webcomics to print? What are the challenges?

Webcomics online are neat because they're accessible for so many people, for free! But having them on print means more people can enjoy them, and I'm one of those who prefer reading on print than on screen. Crowdfundings are a great way to make a little more money from your hard work, but they're also a challenge because of all the extra work that needs to be done! Preparing the book, the rewards, sure, but also managing everything else surrounding the printing and the shipping of the materials promised, and on time too! Thankfully, having Hiveworks as a partner in crime means being able to share some of all that work, it's an immense help!

Outside of comics, what do you do to refuel your inspiration?

I try to not work too much! Give myself time to do something else, to go outside, breathe a little, you know? All that is told within stories has to come from somewhere, and that somewhere is you living things.

Any advice for comic artists who find themselves stuck in a rut?

Take a break and try not to feel too guilty about it. It's okay not to be at your best all the time!

What is something you're looking forward to?

Right at this moment, settling down in my new home, to be able to work once more on comics in a nice and welcoming environment. Once that's done, I'd like to try out the more "traditional" path to publishing and start a new comic for a publishing house! While still continuing webcomics because I love doing it :)

Go Get A Roomie! Book 4 crowdfunding campaign is hosted by Hiveworks. The campaign concludes June 16, 2023, at 12pm ET.

[theriu]

River Reads Midnight Sun

Chapter 2: Open Book

In which Edward faces his fears and spends an agonizing amount of time hyperfixating on Bella.

<-Chapter 1

So we jump into chapter two AND next week, as it has been six days since Edward (shockingly) succeeded in leaving town forever (citation needed)! He is chilling (ha) in a snowbank, staring up at the stars, which are truly magnificent. Or he knows they would be, except he can't quite see anything except Bella's face. Yes, the girl has haunted him straight to (checks location on a map) oh he's in ALASKA, okay! I wasn't sure where Denali was, but I was PRETTY sure even Edward couldn't drive a car to Russia. (You'll see why I considered Russia in a minute.)

Anyway, the "unremarkable" face of this girl he's literally never spoken to directly has been haunting him for six days, which is indeed troubling. While he is brooding on this, the thoughts of a new character come leaping towards him. This is where we meet Tanya, a vampire with silver skin, blonde-but-almost-pink curly hair, amber eyes, and full lips. Mary Sue Tanya is stunning and exquisite, at least from Ed's memory, since he still can't see past the face permanently branded on his eyeballs.

So anyway, Mary Sue Tanya does a cannonball into Ed's snowbank, burying him alive with snow but not burying the image of Bella. It becomes clear that she has been crushing on Ed and is sad he will be leaving soon and doesn't return her affections, although he is very polite and gentlemanly about it.

(Honestly, I liked her well enough until we got to the "I'm not used to rejection" line, and then she starts sifting through the memories of all her human male conquests next to the actual mind reader who she is attracted to, to which I say WOMAN REALLY??? I don't think making the guy you like EVEN MORE UNCOMFORTABLE than he's already admitted you kinda make him is an effective way to gain his affections?!)

ANYWAY, thankfully they get off THAT subject quickly and have a really quite nice conversation, wherein Ed apologizes for getting her hopes up by coming to her home territory and Tanya tries to be a good friend. We see a mention of her "long-lost Russian accent," thus my uncertainty about location, and she tells him she knows he won't keep running from his mystery problem because he's the type who faces things head-on. Mary Sue TANYA then runs away across the snow, so light and fast she doesn't even leave footprints, suggesting a connection between vampires and wood elves.

Encouraged by this pep talk, Gary Stu Edward also gets up and runs footprintless across the snow, determined to be brave and go back and face those "bewildered chocolate-brown eyes," and hopefully not eat the girl attached to them.

SCENE CHANGE!

Edward's back in town, and his three vampire siblings/classmates are huddled around him as they head into the lunchroom, being quite adorably protective, honestly. Alice is trying to foresee any problematic eventualities, Jasper thinks it's funny that EDWARD is the one everyone's fretting over instead of him, Emmett is acting like a bodyguard, and Ed is just exasperated with all of them.

To his surprise, nobody at school is thinking about them, suggesting that Bella didn’t blab about his black murderstare from last chapter. After all, a normal human would have asked around about it, because humans and especially teens all like to feel NORMAL and FIT IN and be a "featureless flock of sheep" and WOW, should I be more annoyed at Ed or the author for this intense bias against high schoolers?! But of course Bella isn't like those OTHER kids, she doesn't do things like talk to people when something weird happens!

About this time, Bella walks in and Alice is all, "Act human!" To which Emmett responds by taking out the snowball he compressed into an ice chunk with his superstrength and chucking it at Alice, who casually deflects it across the room at superspeed, where it cracks a brick. This does, ironically, draw attention away from them. Everyone is annoyed at Emmett, which is fair, but also, ALICE COULDN'T YOU HAVE JUST CAUGHT IT INSTEAD OF POTENTIALLY SHOOTING SOMEONE?

Ahem. So Bella's in the lunch line, and Mike Newton, Regular High School Guy And Insignificant Human Rival, is worried about her. Ed starts also worrying about if she might be sickly, what with her translucent skin. (Are we 100% sure BELLA is human?!) The vampires do a slightly better job of acting natural, and Edward decides to refer to Bella as “Bella” and not just "the girl,” "as if she were the only girl in the world," which is HILARIOUS considering where we all know this is going!

After eavesdropping on Bella and Jessica whispering about him looking at her (Bella thinks he's mad at her, after the whole murderstare incident), Bella hunkers under her hair and avoids eye contact, although Ed thinks she keeps twitching like she WANTS to look at him. Then, at long last, lunch ends and everyone starts going to class. There is another internal struggle while Ed reviews what all of his vampire family members have advised about this situation. (Emmett sounding the least helpful, as he has apparently encountered two such delicious-smelling-people incidents that... uh... sound like they did NOT go well?) But Ed is determined to prove to himself that he has the self-control to sit through biology without murdering Bella, so off he goes.

(By the way, Rosalie complains she doesn't want to have to move because they're almost finally out of high school. Again, why are you pretending to be high school students?! It's not like you'll age whether you're there or not?! HOW DOES THIS HELP YOUR COVER??)

Edward gets to Biology to find Bella at their table, doodling randomly. He decides to introduce himself. He gets briefly lost in gratuitously detailed descriptions of her eyeballs and how they are simultaneously like chocolate and strong tea, and how could anyone so frail be deserving of his unwarranted hatred last week? He's also holding his breath, but has enough air in his longs for a reasonably lengthy conversation AND a short laugh, during which Bella is... surprised/startled that he called her Bella? Because her dad introduced her to everyone as Isabella? But she's apparently told multiple people since she got here that she prefers Bella? So he probably could have learned that even without his super vampire eavesdropping powers? WHY is this weird enough to be suspicious, and HOW does it indicate she is intuitive?

Well, the book and Ed believe she is insightful and intuitive, so I guess we should just go with it. Ed does eventually needs to breath so he can talk, and even though just breathing through his mouth is like tasting the FIERY COALS of her deliciousness, and their brief moment of making skin contact is like an ELECTRIC SHOCK, he manages to continue acting normal.

By the way, along with being unconventionally if lopsidedly pretty and smelling delicious, Bella was also in advanced-placement biology at her previous school and Knows Science! Edward realizes this must mean she is ESPECIALLY intelligent for a human, which of course makes perfect sense. After all, she was the first student in two years to look him in the eye long enough to notice they'd changed from the Murderstare Incident's I'm-going-to-eat-you black to today's calmer I'm-probably-not-going-to-eat-you-except-by-accident amber/gold! My friends, may I remind you this man previously admitted he has two medical degrees, a thing that probably required some amount of physically attending college. I really wonder if Ed's standards would be more realistic if he ever once SOCIALIZED WITH HIS HUMAN CLASSMATES.

In an effort to maintain normalcy, they talk about the weather. Bella does not like the cold and wet of Forks. She clearly does not like being in Forks at all. She is vague and grumpy about why she came here, and Edward is so obsessed curious that he may implode (this is the actual word used). We learn (agonizingly slowly) that her mom remarried—and no, Edward, Bella DOES like the guy, he's nice and a minor-league baseball player; and no, Edward, her mom DIDN'T send her here, SHE sent HERSELF here so her mom could happily travel with her step-dad rather than unhappily stay home with her! Ed is certain by now that Bella "isn't like other humans" because he keeps guessing her story arcs wrong and she's just so CONFUSING and UNPREDICTABLE, and this can't possibly be because he's about 100 years out of practice having a normal conversation without a cheat code into the other person's brain.

(Okay, to be fair, there are at LEAST two moments of self-awareness where Ed wonders if he'd be this bad at reading everybody without his mindreading powers. We should give him points for that.)

But despite his difficulties, he DOES figure out that Bella is unhappy, mostly by her sending out signals that a rhino could decipher. When he confronts her with this observation, her response is, "So?" And after meditating on this for an unusually brief paragraph, Ed realizes THE ANSWER:

"She was selfless."

I'm sorry, guys, I need to break for a second, that's the first part that made me laugh out loud. Can someone lend me a combine to harvest all this corn.

(Side Note: As previously stated, I have not read the books or watched the movies, so I could be biased by the negative side of the fanbase. But my general impression of Bella has not lent itself to "selflessness." BUT, it is only chapter two and I am only going off of general hearsay! The amount of poorly concealed disgruntlement is not impressing me, though.)

Anyway, Ed guesses that she doesn't really like her situation but doesn't want people to KNOW she doesn't like it. He continues to marvel at how positively he feels towards this girl, how discerning she is, how *cough* selfless she is, not like an "average martyr" who would actually tell someone she's not 100% happy with her SACRIFICE. Bella gets annoyed, which Ed finds amusing, so there's another adjective for the list. But then she says she's annoyed because she's so easy to read, and Edward can't believe this, because he's never had to work so hard to read someone before! Again, this couldn't possibly be because she's the first person in 100+ years whose mind he can't read!

By the way, Bella also seems to be oblivious immune to the usual red flags normal humans feel around vampires! Ed tries smiling dangerously at her, but the teacher breaks up their conversation with actual classtime, so he gets to angst for a few paragraphs about why he shouldn't find this girl interesting and how dangerous this is for her and yet how MUCH he wants to know more about her. And also trying not to kill her when her thick, black hair flips in his direction and drives his vampire nose bananas.

He books it as soon as the bell rings, having survived the encounter without murdering anyone but with so many new questions about this unremarkable, shy, frail, unmindreadable-yet-highly-face-readable, delicious-smelling, selfless, quietly disgruntled human girl.

(Side Note: I have learned a new word!

"Attar—a fragrant essential oil, typically made from rose petals."

Ex: "Again, I gasped at the clean, wet air outside as though it was a healing attar."

*loud sighing noises*)

So after that brief break, he goes to class with Emmett. Emmett, IMMENSELY HELPFUL EMMETT, asks how it went, questions if it wouldn't be easier to just get it over with, reassures Ed that everyone would understand if he messed up (GIVING IN IS NOT THE SAME AS "MESSING UP," EMMETT), and then vividly visualizes a time he experienced a really good-smelling woman and ate her. Between his earlier blasé-ness about not "wallowing in guilt" over past mistakes and this section's lack of anything indicating regret about that incident, I take back any nice things I might have said about this guy. Emmett, YOU. ARE. THE WORST.

It's so bad that Ed has to bolt out of class AGAIN, although it doesn't help that Emmett follows him and continues to suggest maybe Ed should just get it over with if it's so bad, can Alice or somebody please come punch him. Ed finally gets him to leave and hides in his car. Then, "like an addict" (his own words), he searches the whole school for thoughts about Bella. From his car. My GUY, just how UNREASONABLY powerful ARE your mind radar skills???

He finally locates Bella in gym class, because Mike, who is mad about Ed talking to her, is thinking in logical, complete sentences (as one does) about how satisfied he is that Bella doesn't seem interested in Edward. He also conveniently remembers her asking "what was with" Edward last Monday (after the Deathstare Incident). So apparently Bella isn't QUITE abnormal unique enough to stay totally silent when she encounters a weird thing (not that Edward notices). Ed's response to his annoyance over Mike's satisfaction is to blast "violent music," which seems the opposite of helpful to me.

We end the chapter with Bella coming out of school and heading to her rusty old truck while Ed watches her creepily from his car. She almost hits another student's car when she locks eyes with him, and Ed has to laugh at her sudden increased driving vigilance, as if she might be DANGEROUS! Because of course it's RIDICULOUS to think that BELLA could be dangerous to ANYONE in ANY vehicle, as if the driver's physical frailty has any bearing on the damage a truck can do when crashing into cars or non-vampires at speed.

AND SCENE!

I'm gonna be honest, guys, that one was a couple degrees more agonizing than the first chapter. I dread how much more I'm going to hear about Ed's conflicting desires to eat Bella and be attracted to her simultaneously average yet fascinating allure. She's just so unusually unique and smart and intuitive and selfless and shy and frail and inspires protective instincts, you see, and she's not like ANY OTHER human he's ever encountered, even though we have evidence now that sometimes certain vampires just find certain humans irresistibly delicious, and we can probably extrapolate that those humans were somehow immune to vampire powers, too.

I also highly question Bella's above-average "martyrdom," considering she dropped her guard pretty fast around the cute stranger and basically broadcasted how unhappy she is with her decision, which makes it feel a bit like she did what she did so she could feel good about herself rather than because it was the best thing to do? Being selfless doesn't mean COMPLETELY ignoring your own needs, or justify using your good deed as an excuse to have a poor attitude. Of course, considering that half her traits that Ed notices and marvels over are actually fairly normal, I don't think any of us feel a strong need to trust his assessments of her character.

Next up is CHAPTER THREE: RISK. I'm sure it will feature Edward being very level-headed and undramatic. I think I need to build my endurance back up for this one. (And thanks for the likes and comments so far, they really help keep me motivated! =D)

Chapter 3->

[otterandterrierwrites]

Trick or treat!

My head is completely empty right now, so idk, tell or show me something you really wanted to!

Also, I'm on my second read of the Vampire AU, which hopefully means the very much needed comments, and OMG IT'S STILL SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP IT'S PERFECT

Ahhh I'm so glad to hear that! Perfect read for Halloween 😁

Here's a treat! 🍬

So, I often don't save any cut scenes from my fics - it's either reworked, and all the unnecessary bits deleted, or just deleted. But with A tactical omission, I was having trouble figuring out where the fic was moving towards and ended up writing stuff that was taking me in a different direction. Thankfully @lajulie24 helped me get unstuck and I was able to write an ending that felt more coherent for the fic!

So, in the old version of the story, Han and Leia kept a running joke that Leia still couldn't understand Chewie, and this is an unfinished trip to Bespin scene that was going to be the ending:

Laughing, Leia pressed her face into Han’s bare shoulder to hide her embarrassment. And because she could.

‘I can’t believe you didn’t tell me that I was being so loud!’ she whined.

‘Hey, I wasn’t gonna clip your wings right then and there, sweetheart,’ he said with a smirk, thumb rubbing circles on her hip. She pulled herself back to give him an indignant look.

‘You encouraged me!’

Han gave her a one-shouldered shrug, hooking a leg between her thighs to pull her closer. There wasn’t any closer, but that didn’t seem to matter on those slow first days on his ship as they crawled towards Bespin, when everything between them felt novel and exciting, ripe like summer fruit, ready for them to sink their hungry teeth into.

‘I’m tellin’ ya, it doesn’t really matter. If Chewie’s around, he��ll know what we’re doing. And there ain’t much space for him not to be around, so...’

‘It can’t be easy for him, trapped here with the two of us and Threepio…’ she mused, drawing the tips of her fingers over his chest. ‘We’ll try to be more considerate. I don’t want him to hate me by the end of this trip.’

‘He could never,’ Han promised, grabbing her hand and pressing a kiss over her knuckles. ‘He’s actually glad we… sorted this out.’

She gave him a sultry look and pushed her toes down as she stretched up lazily, revelling in the friction of her skin against his, imagining it was enough to strike actual sparks.

‘Mm, so am I.’

‘Matter of fact,’ Han continued, hands circling around her waist as he rolled onto his back and pulled her on top of him, ‘I didn’t tell you what Chewie said earlier, did I?’

‘What was that?’ she asked distractedly, kissing the spot where his throat bobbed.

‘Well, see… Chewie says he thinks he's falling in love with you.’

Leia chuckled, pausing to look up at him.

‘Aw, I love him too—as a friend.’

Han didn’t laugh, though he was looking at her with a wistful half smile that spoke of something momentous. Leia pushed herself up and sat on her haunches over Han’s legs.

It had been so long since the last time he did it, it took her a moment to piece it together.

‘Oh.’

‘He also said you don’t have to say it back,’ Han added, hoisting himself up on his elbows. ‘He just thought you should know.’

Leia was fluent in a dozen languages, and could understand a handful more. But, at that moment, Basic failed her. Over the last three years, she’d mastered her understanding of Shyriiwook with Chewie’s help, but she was lost in translation as far as her own heart went. How could she put into words Han could understand the anguished bliss of her feelings for him, the joyful sorrow of knowing them reciprocated; happiness in knowing herself loved, grief in knowing it was ending, it was always going to end, one way or another, the inevitable loss she’d tried so hard to avoid a self-fulfilling prophecy that was coming to pass. The hurt that Chewie’s words caused her; the pleasure. The tightness in her chest that was her own confession pounding against her ribcage; the brittleness of the structure it was holding up, ready to collapse and bury her under should it ever get out.

If love was a language of its own, she was at beginner level.

[blindrapture]

I'm still sick. though that is fading.

can't sleep. brain racing.

I guess I've got some more rapture stuff to say. because I feel like I've been doing a great job at talking about the ways Act 1 is Early and Different from this mysterious other place that the story goes, I've been doing a great job at talking soberly about it, not really standing behind it. and I need to put some confidence behind it.

because there is, absolutely, a part of me that is keeping Act 1 the way it is because I like it this way.

Act 1 is great because it is an entire-ass novel's worth of words that do not read like any fucking novel, it doesn't even read like some classic experimental novel, it doesn't read like stream-of-conscious, it definitely doesn't read like Ulysses (I was still a good three or four years out from when I read that). it reads more like... social media. one person's feed. that also wasn't intentional, but that is what it amounts to. like a person's social media feed, Act 1 serves to keep you updated on what's going on with Jordan, and in the process, Act 1 exposes you to Jordan and gets you.... "familiar with" Jordan. it also exposes you to The Things That Are Happening, and gets your brain working with Imagining it and with Keeping Track. one of Jordan's jobs, as the narrator of this story, is to help you with that, to imagine and reword things himself, and to try to keep track of some things himself. simple act of literary peristalsis, gets your brain.. moving along a path.

I say that Act 1 gets you "familiar with" Jordan because, even though we have already been through some trauma with him, and even though he has been embarrassingly open with his journal, we still don't actually know that much about him, or why he does what he does. frankly, the fact that I didn't just utterly fill the story, from word 1, with full in-depth Talking About Myself.. is the most fundamental surprise to me in hindsight, and is the reason I have always believed in this story. I was always Doing Something with it. even when I did not actually have solid plans.

Act 1 was written without solid plans for the future. I knew the story would continue with logs for each day, I knew it would go until October 21st. I did actually know how each arc of Act 1 would go, because I was basing the structure of Act 1 off of my actual summer, condensed into a June. 2011 was kind of an incredibly ambitious year for me, and if I explained it all to you here, you... wouldn't believe it, and I'd retraumatize myself anyway. but I wrote it into rapture because I was trying to will it into.. working out. so. so I knew how blackpool would go. I knew how spain would go. and I knew what would come at the end of this act, which we won't get to for another... 20 days. and I knew about the Harlequin. I had that worked out.

the thing. about the Harlequin. is that even this, even the original draft which was uncensored, was me holding back. I had originally, in fucking April, early May of 2011, been planning on buying a doll and making a horror vlog, starring myself and a doll. the doll would have been called "Harlequin." this would have been movement 3 of Jordan Eats Normally Now. I want that to sink in. especially for those who know what's going to happen in the story. the Harlequin, as my portrayal of the Fear Mythos's Wooden Girl, in a twisted relationship with My Fucking Self-Insert, was going to be filmed. and thankfully I decided against doing that. but instead I incorporated it into rapture, fleshing out the ideas I had and giving them a chance to develop into.. some interesting stuff. and when I was in spain, in real life, I had a nightmare about the Harlequin, and I woke up and drew her face from my dream, and I sent that drawing to my artist friend RealaChao and talked about the Harlequin, where this was coming from. and I continued to reason out why this plot had to happen the way it does.

this is all to say. of all things in rapture, the Harlequin is the closest thing to a genuine fucking poetic idea that I was able to conceive at age 16. I was not writing my fantasies out for a public audience, but I was willing to let people believe it was as cynical as that. because this story was... working. it was working far better than Jordan Eats had been. ideas were popping, they were practically forming out of each other, even the format was giving me ideas. and if the story was working, that meant I could feel confident about it. and if I could feel confident about it, that means I could try to let it stand on its own, I could believe that it's possible for people to just read it and get it. the Harlequin is not me writing my fantasies out. the Harlequin is "what if this thing I thought I wanted... hurt?" it's a fear. and it's a fear on top of being quite a metafictional horror, but that brings us back to Jordan himself.

Jordan, as a Character, makes rapture uncomfortable to read. he makes it more and more uncomfortable the more and more genuine he reads as. because Jordan is a self-insert. goddammit, I saw him as the self-insert, the one to humble any other author who wanted to piss around with the thought. Jordan is a self-insert for a lot of reasons, and I mean a lot of reasons. this was another thing I did, once, have an opportunity to change. after the story was first concluded and I got to revise the whole thing for a.. either a PDF release or the First Edition book release, I did consider changing Jordan's name. I told my editor friend, slendyslayer, about this, I talked through it with them, because of course I fucking understand how it looks, how it feels as any given reader to read this fucking self-insert. (I would have called him Rael.) but, I decided against it. I stood by it. because he would have still been a fucking self-insert, just hiding behind a different fucking name. and the point of Jordan is he is the self-insert, he is how you do a fucking self-insert. you own it. it's just honest.

but. right. metafictional horror. I say rapture is a metafictional horror because. I mean, don't you feel it? just by reading it? don't you feel that question in the back of your head? "should I be reading this? am I, like, allowed to read this?" "aren't these some real person's actual, like. private thoughts? private urges?" would you die of embarrassment if it was your teenage urges? placed there on the screen, or in the pages of a book, for posterity? that is horror.

(there are... ways to do that part badly. and the original draft of rapture did.. some of it... very badly. and I got, rightfully, chewed out for that. and rapture's not like that anymore. and it never will be. that was my own horror. but the Jordan stuff? nah, you're allowed to read that. I promise.)

it's also not, like, all horror all the time, because I'm a blasphemous son of a bitch who doesn't believe in horror's right to being a genre. I believe in stories' rights to be scary at parts, but if a story is all scary all the time then it's just a mean-spirited joke on the audience. so. Jordan is meant to make you feel uncomfortable, but then you're supposed to sit with it, and rapture is a long enough story that it gives you plenty of time to sit with it. you become familiar with your discomfort, you identify your discomfort, you come to terms with your discomfort. stage 1 of the reader's intended arc with rapture is "oh my god, I'm staring into the face of the mortifying ordeal of being known." stage 2 is "huh. so that's what it means. those are the implications of being known, that is what's on the other side of the mortification."

yes, I honestly did intend this shit even at age 16. because this wasn't my first self-insert. and neither was Jordan Eats. I had been writing self-inserts for years. and I would continue to, for years. I still write self-inserts. and I am always thinking about why.

so. act 1 is here to get you familiar with Jordan. you have to get past the self-insert part, and you need a lot of time to get past that. you are free to formulate ideas on Jordan as a character. I earnestly hope readers do. I want to see where people are proven right and proven wrong. engaging with the story will pay off. act 1 is likewise here to get you familiar with Donnie.

Donnie is not a self-insert. Donnie is not even based on a real person. Donnie is a.. few things. I don't know that I will get into the Donnie Depths right now. but I will just throw out there, as trivia, that I wrote Donnie into the story because of Stephen King. in 2010 I read Stephen King's Cell. and I really, really dug it. frankly, a lot of the vibes of Act 1 were fueled by admiration of Stephen King. Cell is about a rather modern apocalypse. and the dude protagonist traveled with this... girl... woman?? girl??? can't remember, probably girl, but I was 15-16, she was around my age at least, so I had a crush on her. and I don't actually think I'd written a girl protagonist before (not one who wasn't a chao, or a literal clone of the male protagonist, or both). but something in me said that Rapture would be more interesting if I added a Donnie. it was.

the thing. the conclusion. the thing is. that act 1 is great because it exists, against all odds. it kept impressing me, because I didn't really think I had it in me to come up with, let alone sustain, a story of this sort. even back in 2011, I would finish a log then look over it and feel like I didn't even write the damn thing, like I'm just reading it along with everyone else. y'know what my biggest claim to fame was, at 16 years old? it was Dark Chao Adventures. 400,000 words of niche fucking Sonic fanfic that wasn't about Sonic, and kept inventing its own format because I wrote it from age 10, and which I primarily wrote without an audience yet remembering the time I was 12 and somehow did have a fanbase of other 12-year-olds on the internet. a story that, I assert, only got better when all the fans moved on with their lives and I was just writing for myself. this is to say. I had a weird relationship with writing. (and I had a weird relationship with writing even before that! but that's a different tangent.) I knew I could do.... something? but my guess was as good as anyone else's when it came to what the finished product would look like. Act 1 is the finished product. but it's also, like, the beginning of a long story. Act 1 is where you get to see the story in the active process of finalizing itself. Act 1 is where the very concept of a self-insert is the subject that must be resolved before we can move onto later acts. Act 1... could probably also have been called "Book 1," all things considered. it is longer than a lot of novels, by itself. Act 1 will end on July 4th. even if you skip the Disclaimer logs, you'll want to tune back in for July. I promise.

alright.

that was the sort of ramble I'd been needing to do.

hello, readers. old and new. active and lurking.

ask me anything. or ask yourself.. anything. read!

I'm probably gonna set up masterposts for all these Bonus rambles at a later date.

see you tomorrow for the June 10th log.

god I wanna sleep.

[eldritch-nightmare]

you seem like the type of person whos tried making a creepypasta before this isn't an insult or anything by the way thats just the vibe i get from you

thank you??

you would be correct. i did try writing a creepypasta, way back when i was 12 years old. i didn't. never finished her bc i utterly despised writing back then. it was like... the bane of my existence. my worst enemy.

this anon is now going to provide top-secret v lore bc memories flooded my brain when i saw it so!! pretend there's nostalgic piano music playing magically in the air as i clear my throat.

ahem.

if you knew me from 2014 to roughly 2017 or 2018 (which i certainly hope you do not) then you already know this but i used to rp in this fandom. heavily. on quotev dot com. i still do rp, though not for creepypasta anymore because i lost contact with the people i used to rp with. i do however like making random accounts on q bc i made a jeff the killer account and i also plan on making a bloody painter one and also perchance maybe a nina one bc i have no sense of self control.

so, fun fact, all the creepypasta roleplays i did is what honestly made me get into writing but anyways.

i typically just roleplayed as the creepypastas since that's what everyone else did, y'know? original characters and self-inserts were looked down upon at the time because people thought it was 'cringe' and because i desperately wanted to be cool and accepted, i never really. roleplayed as my ocs. not that i had any fleshed out enough to rp as but. we'll get to that in a moment.

so, the three creepypastas that i roleplayed as exclusively, never once rping as any other because my mind latched onto them and refused to fucking let go, was homicidal liu, and both jane the killers. but mostly jane arkensaw. i love arkensaw so much it makes me look like a fool, honestly, and the way that i write her today is still heavily influenced by how i used to write her when i would roleplay. i never wanted to stop roleplaying for creepypasta because they are so near and dear to my heart but a lot of stuff was going on at the time and my friends at the time had moved on from the fandom so i just... stopped.

now, on the topic of ocs. i never had a fully fleshed out creepypasta oc. i always found it difficult to make one?? because it felt like there were a bunch of guidelines on how to properly make an oc so the oc wasn't 'cringe' or whatever and i found the whole thing to be tedious and annoying so i just never properly made an oc. i would come up with concepts, and would even draw some out every now and then but i threw all those drawings out.

i was, and still am, however, a big fucking fan of self-inserts. i only ever rped as a self-insert with one person bc they were the only person i knew that was chill with it and self-shipping and fucking hell it was the best rp i have ever done in my entire writing career nothing has ever compared to it man. the way we did it was we would control our two characters, our self-inserts, and then i would control the character they wanted to be shipped with and they would control the character i wanted to be shipped with. you... you can guess who that was i don't have to tell you, you already know. and we would make our self-inserts friends and have them interact and then they would meet the two creepypastas they were gonna get shipped with and it would slowly branch off so they'd have their own things going on so it was like two separate stories that still connected, and we would discuss what to do next in the rp in a separate message and.

god. it was one of the best moments of my life, excitedly sitting there and continuously checking my notifs, waiting to see a notification telling me they replied to our rp. i miss it, truly. both roleplaying with a friend and roleplaying as a self-insert. i never understood why self-shipping was frowned upon back then, because it was probably the most fun and cathartic thing i've ever done tbh.

thankfully, i've grown and no longer feel the need to please people so i happily and proudly ship myself with characters <3

anyways this got way off track to the anon uh, sorry. but!! special v lore!! yippee!! the more you know, i guess.

[thisworldisablackhole]

SeeYouSpaceCowboy The Romance of Affliction

🌕🌕🌕🌕🌑

It was a cold, dark winter evening. My best friend and I were having one of our frequent "get faded and listen to music" sessions. Those hang outs were always the highlight of my week. Crack a cold one, have some deep conversations, and crank some tunes. Lift off, baby. The vibes were good, but when it came time for me to commandeer the Auxiliary Cord SS, I admit I was a little sheepish.

"You got any new shit?"

"Well… sort of… you might not like it though"

"Fuck it dog, put that shit on. You know I'm pretty open minded"

I laughed.

"Alright, we'll see about that"

I think I might have put on "…and My Faded Reflection in Your Eyes", first, but my memory of that night is a little hazy. It doesn't matter though, because what happened next was a complete and enthusiastic unravelling of our former selves as we bonded over a new found mutual love of melodic metalcore. We had been friends for close to 10 years, but up until this point we had reserved our musical exchanges for mostly palatable cool guy bands who hid their emotional urgency under a veil of artful stoicism. Perhaps this was done out of shame, because wearing your heart on your sleeve is generally discouraged in the culture of adulthood. It felt like a risk to open up and share the side of me that still loves an arguably juvenile mode of expression, but the reward for doing so was unbridled joy and connection.

SeeYouSpaceCowboy said fuck shame, fuck stoicism, fuck acting cool. We're gonna scream, we're gonna sing, and we're gonna feel something. The Romance of Affliction is scenecore for the modern age, and it is completely unapologetic in being so. Taking cues from bands like Drop Dead Gorgeous, The Blood Brothers, Botch, and Underoath, SYSC created a special blend of sounds that is equal parts chaotic, violent, and sweet as sweet tea on a hot southern day. Sugar, spice, everything nice, and a metric fuck tonne of Chemical X. Excuse my language.

One of the first things to really draw me into this album was the vocals. This album has a major case of split personality disorder, and I mean that in the best way possible. Vocalist Connie Sgarbossa bounces between larynx shredding highs, lows, and sasscore yelps while guitarist Ethan Sgarbossa and bassist Taylor Allen also chime in with mid ranged roars and lovesick cleans. It's enough to induce a psychotic episode, or at the very least give listeners with ADHD enough variance in frequency and delivery to keep them stimulated. The vocal patterns are impressively synchronized, and you can tell that a lot of thought goes into this aspect of their music. It's something I wish more bands would take note of, but maybe that's just my addled attention span speaking. There are some pretty cool, albeit head turning features on this album as well. Shaolin G's rap verse on "Sharpen What You Can" in particular has been polarizing, but ends up being one of the more impactful and (frankly) punk rock moments on the album as he comes in with a strong message of self affirmation and being true to yourself in the face of adversity.

The instrumentals don't hold back either, and come well equipped with their own hyper aggressive inability to sit still. Razor sharp panic chords and time signature switch ups dance their way toward atmospheric passages before plummeting back down to earth with classic single note breakdowns. Almost every song comes packaged with a hookworm chorus or dreamy melodic bit to offer respite from the teeth clenching madness and draw you back in for repeated listens. A good hook is one that makes you really appreciate everything leading up to and preceding it, and thankfully the band delivers on this every time. SYSC doesn't just rely on a catchy chorus to sell a mediocre song. They aren't afraid to show their full hand of influences either, as they ambitiously swing between three or four different niche subgenres in rapid motion. It might sound like a recipe for disaster, but it comes across as more meticulous than random, and the result is a surprisingly smooth and cohesive experience. 13 songs and 40 minutes goes by with a flash, and not once do I feel like the band is testing my patience.

The Romance of Affliction is a time machine that will unlock forgotten pieces of your heart, but it's also a vessel of progression for a subgenre that not many are brave enough to claim in today's landscape of serious mature stoicism. SeeYouSpaceCowboy have managed to breathe fresh life into old tricks in a way that only the most studious of scene disciples could pull off, and I can't wait to see them continue to flourish and expand their palette of influences in the years to come.

[silly-chiroptera]

Hello!!! sorry if this is random and you probably wont see it anyway im guessing, but I wanted to apologize for any messages you get from those toxic davesport fans and shit like that :( I'm a davesport shipper myself but i hate to see other people shitting on others for not shipping davesport or if someone ships something else. this fandom is so small i dont even get how theres so much drama for absolutely nothing its actually fucking insane how sensitive people are in this fandom.

in my version of davesport (depending on how im feeling actually), they usually just act like good friends; not too close but not too far either. Yeah, they MAY have a crush on each other but I at least don't think jack would make it AS obvious. And honestly I don't think they would be very lovey-dovey too. The most I can see them doing canonically is holding hands very rarely or just giving each other a quick hug, normal shit friends do. Not full on making out and cuddling 24/7 stuff.

I've came across your account or whatever a few times on tumblr now and i just wanted to say I really appreciate your art!!! im guessing you also weren't very popular like other artists since you dont get talked about at all anywhere else, and thats a shame.

I apologize once again for writing all of this lmao i didnt mean for it to be so long but yeah I really wish you were more recognized in the dsaf community for good reasons obv! sorry if you dont like reading abt davesport either lol, i swear they're not all I talk about. if anything, i like talking about the kennedy siblings more, they never have enough content either.

nah its good m80 you dont have to apologize for people who wont apologize themselves for acting so deranged in the worst way possible i haven't received any hate messages or people attempting to argue with me about my opinion yet thankfully though so there's that! if people don't really vibe with me then its whatever they can just unfollow me if they don't like my unpopular thought processing... there's like literally hundreds of other fans who like that ship and i personally dont understand the people who make a big deal about other people hating it as if it were a cockroach infestation. davesport shippers are the majority here GRJKDKLS at this point i don't really care about getting a whole lot of recognition...i really only care about having this blog be a safe space for people who are more like me rather than trying to cater to the majority of the dsaf fanbase but thank you for saying that ! :) also i love the kennedy family sm even though i havent attempted to draw peter or rarely drew dee i love them very much and all three of them kinda remind me of myself in little ways

[mistytpednaem]

wow!!! that was a year

as I begin to write this post I'm not even sure if I'm going to post it, lmao. I guess it depends on how much of a bummer it turns into. and if it helps me sort out some thoughts, then it won't have been a complete waste of time.

waste, huh...

on one hand, I don't... reaaaally?? want to talk about what's been going on in my life? but on the other hand, there's a part of me that's like "wow, Naem, that makes it sound like you've been struggling with some serious shit, which is straight up not true, do you just want people to feel sorry for you?" and then on the third mutant hand (I have a lot of those, it turns out) there is a different part of me that does acknowledge the way this other section of my brain jumps straight to accusatory self-flagellation is something many people do not, in fact, struggle with

I've been doing remote therapy this year! it's alright. my therapist has some wild ass takes from time to time, and it is perhaps one of my most substantial monthly expenses (note: yes I still live with my parents so, you know, I don't pay rent), but she IS insightful and a good professional so like. I feel, on the whole, it's working out well for me. a-aside from the part where I still can't seem to love myself consistently but unfortunately I don't think anybody else can fix that for me. I just... have to keep working on it.

speaking of therapy, maybe I should tell her in the next session "hey, cool new year, uhhh I keep finding myself thinking it isn't worth getting excited or feeling hopeful for anything because as time goes on there will only be more and more things to be sad about, because everything is finite and loss is a constant, and it's kind of bumming me out?" maybe I should. honestly, that was the thought this post was going to center around initially, but I've found other things to talk about, thankfully.

ah man. heck. I JUST narrowed down the exact thing motivating this post. "the dread I feel when i see everyone on social media post about their Year In Review." so much of this is about the unrelenting passage of time.

not everything is a huge bummer. experienced some good-ass media this year. Hi-FI Rush was really cool, Midnight Mass was so good it got me to watch it three times in spite of how bad I am with horror, Across the Spiderverse was as good as everyone said - speaking of Spider-Man, I think I've come to terms with adopting Curt Connors as a blorbo, which has nothing to do with Spiderverse but is, perhaps, a baby step in the direction of Accepting The Trash I Like. excited for more Jojolands. Jujutsu Kaisen S2 was really fucking good, so much so that I'm afraid no future arcs will grip me the same way. oh yeah, I got really into Will Wood this year, which is a bit embarrassing because his fanbase seems to be composed primarily of teenagers, but hey. sort of circling back around to me needing to accept what I like, I guess.

I've been taking other baby steps, namely towards Drawing More Often. I... have, right?? I know I haven't posted everything I drew, but it was definitely more than, say, two years ago. which is nice. hope I can keep that up or, even better, Do It Harder.

I don't have a habit of making New Year's Resolutions. I do have a couple of wishes, but I'm frankly not sure if they're anything I can control. Financial stability? Well, there are certainly efforts I can make in that direction, as much as I hate even looking at LinkedIn. To stop finding myself trapped in the middle of interpersonal conflict that I care about too much even when it doesn't directly concern me, resulting in weeks of heightened anxiety at a minimum? I think if it were within my power to stop that, I would have already done it, but uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ah man. I should have found a nicer note to end this on. ummm.

I deeply appreciate all of my friends, not only for being generally rad people but also for seeing nice things in me when I can't. This goes quadruple for my girlfriend, who manages to do all that while also struggling with brains that are very mean and unfair to her.

I feel like I said this last year, but I hope I can learn to depend on you all a little less going forward. Not in a "get out of my life you LOSERS" kind of way, but in a "thanks for the support, here, I can stand on my own two feet, so don't worry about lending me another one" kind of way.

[emerald9d]

Ricka

No ask prompted this, this time. I just need to talk about her because she's, like, the other main OC of mine, right up there with Shelly. I just... don't draw her as much as I should.

The art here is in no particular order and the last two are actually Allie, a "version" of her I used for a tabletop campaign where the setting was different enough (Princess: The Hopeful, for those who are wondering) that she needed a new background and name. She basically looks and acts the same though. Also ignore that other guy for now lol.

This is going to be more rambly than when I described Shelly.

So yeah. Her full name is Ricka Rene Fuyu. She lives on Earth... or, well, "Earth." It's called that, and it even resembles our current-day world. But, there's a bunch of people with pointed ears, and most everyone can learn telekinesis. (though it's difficult and not THAT useful to most people, sorta like martial arts. guess what there's a lot of martial artists in my stories)

Also the ladmasses are (roughly) the same but everything else is different! Ricka lives in "The Triad," a collection of three closely located cities situated around the location of current-day Moscow. Ricka lives in Trifol, the "poorest" of the three cities. The other two are Slayton, a more froufrou college town, and Elaros, the capital of the country.

The tech is very "30 minutes into the future." There's fancy prosthetics and crazy computers and power armor, but most people can't afford them, and see them infrequently. I hesitate to call it cyberpunk, but its in that ballpark for sure. (Half of Ricka's design is "wannabe Matrix character") The most noteworthy development is "biotech drones," however, mindless attack-and-defense robo-creatures have started filling out military and police forces worldwide, courtesy of a subsidiary of Unity, a massive corporate conglomerate with its sites on controlling basically every major industry in the world. The only thing they haven't broken into fully, however, is the energy industry...

Anyway, Ricka couldn't be more different than Shelly, at least outwardly. She's quiet and reserved, and slow to react emotionally. (dissociative, really) But she's quite technically intelligent, and has a rich inner world, which she will show off when she lets herself relax and open up. This girl has opinions. And memes. And blorbos. She's basically the equivalent of a seasoned lefty Tumblr user. She's kind of my answer to the Rei Ayanami type of character, though her influences are myriad. Many years ago she started off by being a ripoff of Lucca from Chrono trigger. How far she's come.

Llife for Ricka started off promising enough. But, when both her parents died when she was 8, (one from a workplace accident, the other from cancer) only her grandfather and older brother were left to take care of her. (or take care of the older brother, for that matter)

For the next several years the family struggled with poverty, and mental illness. Ricka in particular barely hung on through the course of middle school, before succumbing to a massive breakdown at the beginning of highschool. Though, if there's a silver lining, is that she grew close to a former friend of her parents, who she sees as an uncle of sorts. Some particular interests of his, like boxing and motorcycles, rubbed off on her. (I know she's doing karate stuff in that one pic, but I changed my mind on that later)

After her breakdown, even her somewhat conservative grandfather had to admit her struggles needed to be taken seriously. Thankfully, around that time the family's finances improved somewhat. Since then, she's had a therapist and homeschooling, while pursuing her various technical interests as best she can.

The story begins with her starting university at 19. A rather big step for her considering her history of social anxiety, she's confident she can handle it. And she does! Especially with the help of a friend of hers from online, who also happens to be attending the same university as a transfer student.

However, despite making some irl friends, the future still presents a struggle. Corporate interests rule higher education to the point that they outright dictate what majors are available to matriculate into. It's hard to be an engineer when the powers that be decide that there's currently enough engineers.

Being around attentive friends who aren't used to her quirks reveals just how odd some of those quirks are. Which then leads to a discovery both illuminating and somewhat upsetting. See, I said telekinetic powers exist, but not telepathic. So mind-to-physical influence, but no mind-to-mind interaction.

Well, it turns out Ricka is unnaturally good at knowing what people are feeling, and where they are, and what they're about to do. To the point that it becomes clear she's got some special, unheard of mental abilities. And that, furthermore, she's had these powers, unknowingly, for most of her life. It becomes clear that it was actually a major source of her social anxiety, as the feelings of those around her overwhelmed her to a supernatural degree. However, Ricka's conditions are still quite real. Knowing the reason (or, at least, a reason) for her issues does not make them go away overnight.

While grappling with that, some strange things start happening to people around campus, which leads her and her newfound friends into unwittingly becoming a group of amateur sleuths. Ricka's empathic powers, naturally, become very useful for this task, making her into the functional core of the group. This then leads them into stumbling across things that they weren't supposed to know, and... well, the plot had to start at some point. What happens from there is a conspiracy thriller of unreasonable proportions.

Because, you see, those empathic powers didn't come from nowhere. And where they did come from...

...

One more thing. A somewhat more recent development is that she lost her left forearm when she was young. Or, hell, maybe she was born without it. Either way, she wears a prosthetic a lot. Normally... well, I'll let Ricka herself explain, in a block of narration I wrote randomly a little while ago:

My prosthetic could be covered by insurance. Well, kind of. The school health insurance will get you a part, but only within a certain price range. And, really, that’s not unreasonable. A fully articulated human-like hand is a bit much for the everyday, especially for your typical student. I’m not your typical student. And I don’t like being told what to do by an insurance company. No, the only thing that’s covering this hand is a leather glove.

You can see that leather glove in the pic where she's princess carrying that guy. And the prosthetic itself, uh, coming apart in that one doodle.

She also wears a simpler hook/pincer sort of prosthetic half the time. But she got that more advanced one at a young age, and has basically been learning how to maintain and adjust it herself for years. It's kind of her pride and joy. If it wasn't clear already that she's a big smarty pants.

So, yeah. That's Ricka. I find her a harder to think about because she's less upfront than Shelly by a long shot. Her presence doesn't come with the same bombastic instant gratification. It does however come with an internal narration that would feel at home in a hard boiled detective mystery novel. So, that's something.

[forthedancingandthethriving]

"Yeah, Tulip.. she's been a little down in the dumps lately. That's why I decided to tag along today." SMG10 told Juliano, drawing Lily's attention.

She had decided to tag along to the Avatar meetup today, as Kidnap the Princess wasn't until next week, and everyone else was busy. Apparently, Lil Coding needed to help their dads with something. Aka, he was in trouble for something the night before and was being punished.

"Has she really?" Juliano hums, and Lily can see her grandpa (yes, she was also calling him grandpa) look in the direction of Tulip. She looks that way as well, seeing the mentioned Avatar with Ash, Pikachu, and Shantae. The group was by some engines connected to a slingshot, and with how Pikachu seemed excited, Lily could guess what was going to happen.

"Yeah.. apparently, it has something to do with her parents. She said something yesterday about her being an 'ideal heir'." SMG10 crosses her arms.

Lily hones in on that. She'd heard similar words before.

"Hm.. that doesn't sound too good. I'm guessing her home life was rough." Juliano frowns.

"Yeah.." 10 nods. "She's never told me the details, but I can guess." The SMG pauses before continuing. "And.. it's weirder that she's never told me her last name, too. I know she wants to protect 7 and I, but.. this is worrying me."

Lily narrows her eyes. This was sounding very familiar.

"Well.. I'm afraid that unless she speaks, none of us can really- ASH KETCHUM, DON'T YOU DARE LET PIKACHU USE THUNDERBOLT ON THOSE ENGINES!" Juliano's voice quickly took a scolding turning as he rushes to over to the three teens, with 10 jogging after him.

Lily thinks before texting her dad.

Well, it's not like she had anything else to do.

○●○

"You want to.. come hang out with me for a little bit?" Tulip blinks, surprised.

Lily smiles. "Yeah! I'm thinking of getting into engineering or being a mechanic.. so I thought maybe I could.. hang out with you? See what you do?"

Tulip thinks before shrugging. "If your dads are okay with it, then yeah! It'd be fun to have someone other than Nagging Nancy over there!"

SMG10 calls from the portal. "It's called worrying about my best friend's health!"

Lily smiles and holds up her phone. "I asked them and said as long as I'm not gone too long, I can hang out!"

"Sweet." Tulip grins. "Well, let's go!"

..

It was fun, hanging out with Tulip. Even though the teen typically drove like she was running from god, it was still fun! Lily had learned a lot from Tulip.

Though what she was more interested in was the older girl's family.

Seeing that the aforementioned Avatar and her Guardian had gone into a store, and trusted Lily enough to leave her in the van, she didn't know how much time she had. So she got to work.

Screenshotting what messages she deemed relevant, had info, anything. The young girl wasn't able to find any information on Tulip's last name, or her parents' last name, but she did find out their names.

Daisy, Tulip's mother.

Andrew, Tulip's father.

Archie, Tulip's older brother.

Anything else Lily would need, she screenshotted it and sent it to her number. Once she was done, she made sure to wipe the photos off of Tulip's phone, delete the texts and Lily's number, and just pray that 10 or Tulip wouldn't notice.

They didn't, thankfully, and when it was time for Lily to go home, they were kind and hoped to see her again. Lily hoped so too.

○●○

Tulip grips her pillow over her head. Even though her phone was on silent, Do Not Disturb, and everything, she could practically hear it ringing.

Tears well in her eyes. Couldn't her damn parents leave her alone?

A soft ding from the command box on the nearby counter catches her attention. Slowly, she lifts the pillow from her head and grabs it.

She smiles, seeing a message in a group chat for just the Teen Avatars. It took a lot of begging to their respective SMGs, but they had managed to get permission for a private group chat just between them all.

Ash: >Do you think if we used more engines, the catapult would have more power behind it?_

Tulip sits up and smiles.

The ensuing conversation thankfully made her forget about her silently ringing phone. The only noise being a sleeping SMG10's soft breaths and the gentle taps of Tulip's fingers against the command back.

○●○

"Lily, what are you doing?" Lil Coding frowns, peering at the laptop his sister was on. "You've been on that ever since you finished your schoolwork!"

"Well, with the school blown up because of Jeremy's science project, what else am I gonna do?" Lily shrugs, disregarding how her brother deadpans at her.

"Aw, c'mon, you've never been interested in the laptop before!" the Code Manifestation whines. He peers at the screen and narrows his eyes. "Wait, who is Andrew? Is this why you asked granpa Domain to mess with it so it could access other universe's internet?"

"Maybe." Lily narrows her eyes before her eyes widen, seeing an article.

Orpheus Transfer Co. embroiled in controversy after young daughter vanishes and older son causes ruckus at Ministry Building

She quickly clicks on the article, eyes narrowing. She reads it, not noticing Lil Coding also reading it.

A video has recently been released, showing Tulip Dellora Orpheus having an explosive fight with her parents, Daisy and Andrew Orpheus after it was revealed in the press that she was set to become the company's new owner and CEO over her brother, Archie Orpheus.

Archie Orpheus, after this fight, was recorded at the Ministry Office, shouting for one of the five Ministers to either come and talk to him or send the Prime Minister to talk to him. He was recorded as saying that he wouldn't hesitate to leak the 'exclusive trading documents' his parents had reportedly received.

This behavior was reported to be 'highly unlike the two', with Mrs. Orpheus stated that he did not know or understand why her daughter was acting the way she was. That, and the states her son had made were entirely false.

The young girl slowly looks at her brother. "She must have had a fight with her parents.. either before 10 and 7 landed, or after.. either way, that must explain why she always avoids the topic of her family."

Lil Coding frowns. "But then that brings up the question of what she's afraid of.."

"Her family hurting 10, 7.. even Captain Olimar, since she's grown to see him as a father." Lily explains, voice soft. "It's exactly like when my parents found me. I didn't do or say anything about you guys because I didn't want them hurting you."

"It's looking like they're corrupt, just like my mom and dad were." The child closes her eyes. "Her family has connections to the government, like mine did. I'm guessing these 'Ministers' are similar to Vice Presidents or Dukes. While the Prime Minister is probably the equivalent of a President, or a King or Queen."

Lil Coding nods before he raises a brow. "How do you know all this?"

"What do you think I did when locked up in that room?" Lily shoots back.

"Pfft- fair enough."

As the two chuckle, Lily can't help but worry.

This wasn't like when Nimbus had been in danger because of that Program, Leto. They couldn't step in this time. It was something Tulip had to do on her own.

The young girl only hoped the Avatar would realize that she had people she could rely upon.

[killiakill]

not so much propaganda as it is a bribe, but...

"Your name is Kuroo Tetsurou. Your best friend recently got broken up with, and you're struggling to find a way to get him out of this funk. Then suddenly, the answer is dropped right into your lap, in the form of a lonely supermodel searching for a date to his cousin's wedding. What will you do?

Play matchmaker, of course."

if you think this summary is intriguing, go vote for LevKen in @hqrarepairtournament!! if Lev and Kenma can make it to the final round, I vow to finish this wip and have it posted by LevKen day in exactly one month! (5/11)

more of the wip below the cut :3c

Lev definitely isn't asking Kuroo-san to be his plus-one to this wedding for crush reasons. Nope. Not at all.

Okay maybe just a little teensy tiny bit. Lev had a lot of love to give to a lot of people, alright? But mostly it was because the wedding was in Tokyo, and Kuroo-san is in Tokyo, and all of Vitya's cool skater friends would be there, and Kuroo-san would probably love to mingle with them, and make connections, and bring athletes closer together, and bridge the gap between Winter and Summer Olympic teams, and maybe do some promotions as well? Those all seemed like things Kuroo-san might be interested in.

And maybe Lev just didn't want to be the only one at the cousin table without a date. Even if that date was Kuroo-san. Who he definitely did not have (much of) a crush on.

For several minutes after sending the message, Lev stares anxiously at the set of three dots on Kuroo-san's side of the screen, vanishing and reappearing in uneven intervals. Was it too weird for Lev to have asked him? Did he not make it clear enough that he meant it purely platonically? Or maybe he was too clear... Lev generally didn't worry about such things, but the invention of read receipts had the ability to make even the most confident supermodel suddenly unsure.

Eventually Kuroo-san responds, but it's not the answer Lev wanted. And in fact, it's a little baffling.

kuroo-san!! > sorry, I'm busy that day. > you should ask kenma though

It wasn't that Lev hadn't considered asking Kenma. In fact, Kenma had been the first person that sprang to mind, even before Vitya and his fiance had pinned down Tokyo as the location. But Kenma was, well... Kenma. Lev knew well enough by now that he didn't do well with crowds of people, or loud noises, and weddings had both in endless supply.

But, on the other hand, Kuroo-san knew that about Kenma too - he knew Kenma better than anyone, really. And so Lev wondered if Kuroo-san knew something he didn't. Maybe it was worth trying to ask Kenma after all.

So he did.

Another endless wait passed, this one somehow even more nerve-wracking to Lev than the last, despite already knowing the answer would most assuredly be a firm 'no'.

Finally, blessedly, Lev's phone pings. He can't help it - he audibly gasps. He can't believe it.

kenma!!!! > sure. i'll go

---

To Kenma, every day feels like the one before. He does his online coursework, he checks his portfolio, he streams his games. He orders food for delivery. He texts Kuro. He doesn't text Shouyou. He's caught in a rut, and doesn't know how to get out. And if there's anything Kenma can't stand, it's when things aren't interesting.

Shouyou is interesting. Shouyou is on the other side of the world, being interesting without him. Kenma does what he can - will continue to do what he can. The distance from Miyagi to Tokyo doesn't seem so far now that it's in competition with the Pacific ocean.

Thankfully, the fans Kenma draws on his channel aren't the kind who need him to constantly be talking - he keeps quiet for the most part and lets his skills speak for him. This means that they don't know much about his personal life, like that he is - was - in a long-distance relationship. On that front, he doesn't need to worry.

But Kuro is a different story.

Kuro, who knows Kenma better than he knows himself. Kuro, who Kenma turned to first when Shouyou first suggested they take a break. Kuro, his annoying, meddling, troublesome best friend.

Kenma is sure Kuro is making plans to rescue him from the rut he was in. Kenma is too afraid to ask. Too prideful. But that doesn't mean Kuro won't spring it on him without permission anyway. It's really only a matter of time.

kuro > good news! > lev is about to ask you to go with him to his cousin's wedding > say yes

And there it is.

It's even more ridiculous than Kenma expected - weddings are noisy, and full of strangers, two things Kenma is notoriously bad with, and Kuro should know that better than anybody. And Lev -

Lev isn't a stranger, but he's as noisy as a whole bachelor party all on his own. He's loud and tactless and clumsy and earnest and striking and -

What.

No.

That is not a thought Kenma should be allowed to think. Even if the man is a literal supermodel now. Lev is... Lev.

lev > hey kenma!! i was wondering if you'd be free to come to my cousin Victor's wedding in a week?? you'd be doing me a huge favor. but i understand if not

It's a bad idea. It's a terrible idea. There's no way it can end well, Kenma thinks.

But Lev is... interesting.

And if there's one thing Kenma likes, it's people who are interesting.

> sure. i'll go

[oatcakespodofficial]

Countless Names

(This is probably the longest story I've written for here. I meant to scratch out something short and ended up with this instead.)

Throughout the many countless years Ihvyr had lived, he has been called an equally countless number of names. Monster. Abomination. Dark spirit. Cursed being. Bogeyman. What lurks in the night. Demon (in both secular and religious contexts). Pwca. Ghoul under your bed. Wretched, unwanted thing.

He knew what he was. He'd always known, and all those names only confirmed it. But although each label meant something horrid, no one could truly agree on what he actually was. Neither could they even agree on what he looked like, and for good reason. Being what he was, his true form was inconceivable, and so his appearance differed - often drastically - to each eye that looked upon him. Even his true personal name was inconceivable, unpronouncable. The written version, and thus the name he often gave when needed, was merely a placeholder, something the human tongue could reasonably replicate without too much hassle.

Despite all the monikers he had been "gifted," there were some Ihvyr had never expected to obtain. Two of these were Guardian and Friend, both first gifted by a small child named Cedar.

The day he had first met Cedar was always clear in his mind, even amidst the mighty plethora of his other years. Due to what he was, he had been cursed to wander the earth without any hope of a permanent shelter or a gentle hand. A restless, cold life for what he thought was a cold heart.

Then he saw her, the smallest thing, arms wrapped around herself and she wept, helpless and alone with not a parent to be found. Incur couldn't turn away from those large, watery eyes, and he could hear the wolves drawing near. So he decided right then and there that he would take her with him and keep her warm and safe, especially as he discovered the child's tragic past of which Cedar herself hadn't even known.

She didn't like him at first. That is, she was terrified, and rightly so. But fear quickly melted into trust and affection as appearances became only miniscule matters, and that was when she gifted him those first friendly names.

Not much time had passed before they'd acquired the third member of their clan: a skittish, tired nomad of a faun who was fed up with the antics of adventurers and merely desired friends who, as he phrased it, "wouldn't rope him into seeking the Fabled Golden Whatever." This faun, Dyfri, had of course also been frightened by the dark entity as presence (and to this day, he still found himself spooked at times). Thankfully, his apathy, loneliness, and preference for odd individuals won out, and Dyfri became the next person to grant the supposed monster the title of Friend.

A few years have passed since then. And still, the names remain. They are brought to mind whenever Cedar runs up, excitedly recounting the sales she has made and then wrapping her arms around Ihvyr's waist. Or when Dyfri stumbles back to their camp in a rant about the latest rogue to the faun to be part of some prophecy, then cuts himself off to make a special meal for the three of them.

And the two names ring true at night when the group huddles together, relishing in each others' presence and safety before ultimately collapsing, exhausted from the day but eager to start another. It is in these moments that the other, much more horrible labels fall away to unimportance. And even when they rear their ugly heads around strangers or in the late, quiet hours of the night during his sentry duty, they don't weigh as heavily on him anymore.

Sure, he was indeed a dark, fearsome being. But he was also so much more. He was something far more important to those two in his little family. And that was truly the only thing that mattered to him, the only that could define him.

[fin]

(Do not steal or repost.)

[haberdashing]

The Attic

TMA statement fic. Statement of Michele Johnson regarding the attic of her childhood home.

on AO3

My house has never had an attic.

I have the original blueprints to prove it now, a diagram from when some uninspired architect planned the place out back in the 70s, but truth be told, I knew it well enough before I ever lay eyes on those. There are only four models of house in my subdivision, after all--classic suburbia, right?--and I'm close enough with the neighbors that I've been in a few other houses in the same model, without spying even a hint of an attic there. It's a weird feeling, honestly, being in a house that would be identical to your own if not for the furnishings and the wallpaper and the occasional addition.

Plus, my parents are kind of neat freaks... well, my dad is, anyway. Maybe it's his asthma, but he's always been really big on keeping the place clean, making sure dust doesn't build up, all that good stuff. So if we did have an attic, we definitely would have cleaned it at least once in the over three decades that I've lived here.

...right, to clarify: I've lived in the same house all my life. Nice enough house in a nice enough suburb. Three bedrooms, two and a half baths, decent schools, you can walk to a McDonald's and a WalMart without breaking a sweat. I know that place like the back of my hand at this point. Hell, I could probably draw a detailed blueprint like this one for the other three models in our subdivision, too; this has been my neighborhood since I was a little girl, and most of my neighbors are also my dear friends at this point.

But it's one thing to know, abstractly, logically, that the house can't have an attic, and another thing entirely to hold the blueprints for your own, clearly attic-less house in your hands.

Because here's the thing: one of my clearest childhood memories revolves around that attic that doesn't exist.

I was... six or seven, maybe, at the time. Not my earliest memory, but up there. And my older sister, Heather... I'm not sure if she was quite a teenager chronologically at the time, or just a tween who was all too ready to grow up, but she was already full of that classic teenage rebellion. Even though it was a quiet night at home, she had a face full of make-up that she had clearly put on herself, none of it applied quite right, all of it colorful and glittery and bordering on downright gaudy.

Heather was standing between my bedroom door and the ladder leading up to the attic, and she had a pickle ornament in her hands that she kept dangling in my face. I've never liked pickles, see, and she was making a rather ham-fisted joke about it, or trying to at any rate. I didn't think it was funny, though.

Then she tossed the ornament onto my bed--thankfully, it didn't break or get lost in the process, landing cleanly on one of my pillows--and said that she was going to see what else she could dig up from the old Christmas decorations in the attic.

I can picture Heather so clearly in that moment. Her frizzy brown hair wasn't up in a ponytail like she usually had it outside of the house, but left loose, with a few strands falling onto her face. Her nails were long and painted an eye-searing hot pink, with the nail polish already visibly chipped in a few places. She had on an old Phantom of the Opera shirt that was a hand-me-down from our mother, clearly too big for her and now covered in dust and grime, and her jeans had holes in the knees that she refused to let our father repair. If I close my eyes, I can see the way her wild hair moved as she took each step up that attic ladder before disappearing into the murky depths beyond, the way bits of dust fell from her clothes onto the floor below.

The memory is clear, and it feels as real as anything to me, but I know that it can't have happened. Because my house has never had an attic. And because, as my parents so delight in reminding me whenever they think I'm acting up, I have always been an only child.

I don't have any other clear memories of Heather, but I remember a few pieces of information about her, have a few fleeting glimpses into daily life with her as my sister. Her favorite color was a tie between green and pink--I can picture her thumb nail painted a neon green, with a stripe of dark pink down the middle. She wore a ton of spray deodorant--the bathroom we shared would reek of it on school day mornings. She was a picky eater--I can see her sneaking a handful of vegetables to Elmo, our family dog, under the table. She had a beautiful singing voice, and sometimes, when I close my eyes and concentrate, I think I can almost hear her singing Christmas carols.

The pickle ornament is real--it's been on our Christmas tree ever since I can remember. And I spied the Phantom of the Opera shirt in a pile of clothes my mother was giving away to the local Goodwill a few years back. But no one else, it seems, remembers anything about Heather. Or if they do, at least, they haven't admitted as much to me just yet.

They aren't just keeping quiet, though. I've done my research, once I was old enough to think of it, old enough to wonder if Heather was just the subject of some family scandal they were trying to keep hushed up. The common last name didn't do me any favors, but after hours and hours of fruitless searching, it became pretty clear that there was absolutely no record of one Heather Johnson being born to my parents, or living in the area, or existing as my sister in any way.

And, of course, there's no proof that my house ever had an attic, and every bit of evidence to suggest that it never did.

I still think of Heather sometimes. At my parents' funerals, I wondered if in some other world, she would be there to give a eulogy for each of them. When I got married, I thought that maybe if she really existed, I might have made her my maid of honor. But I know better than to bring her up in polite company, at least. I learned early enough that those who don't know better think I'm either lying or insane when I mention the sister that doesn't exist going into the attic that isn't there.

I'd write it all off as just fodder from an overactive childhood imagination, maybe, if it weren't for what happened after I started putting together the nursery.

I'm expecting, see. My baby girl's due to be born next month, though Derek and I haven't decided on her name yet. But while my husband and I sleep in what was once my parents' bedroom, what was once my bedroom is now being set up as her nursery. Bright purple walls being painted baby pink, putting the crib in place, all that sort of thing.

I don't know if it has to do with me spending time in that room again, somehow, or if it's just a coincidence, but several times now while I've been working in that room, I've seen the attic again.

Or--not the attic itself, actually. Just the outline of where it might be in the ceiling, a patch of wallpaper that's less dusty than the rest because we'd move it to go in and out, dings and dents in the wood floor in an area where nothing has ever rested... evidence of the attic, perhaps, but not the attic itself. Just enough to look like the attic is there, had always been there, until I blink and it all goes back to normal again.

I screamed for Derek the time I saw the attic ladder out in the middle of the hallway, but by the time he arrived, there was nothing there. Because how could there have been anything there to begin with? After all, my house has never had an attic.

Except, apparently, when it does.

I didn't look up there when the ladder was open, though. I'm trying to ignore it as much as I can. Trying to ignore the part of me that wants to learn more, wants to explore what might or might not be there, wants to see if climbing up there will reunite me with my sister Heather after all.

But I can't do that now. I know I can't.

Maybe I can accept being an only child now, but I won't accept my daughter growing up without her mother.

[stonewallsposts]

November 2024 Reading 

Purgatorio- Dante  (1321)  Continuing through Purgatorio 

Canto 5   Ante-purgatory: the late repentant, who died by violence  Dante and Virgil continue through the landscape climbing at the base of the mountain. They are still technically outside of Purgatory, in what is called Ante-purgatory. Here they meet more of the late repenters, these were all murdered and repented as they were dying. 

The first they meet is Jacopo del Cassero. The second is Bonconte da Montefeltro, and the third is known only as "Pia".  

Each asks Dante to inform their loved ones when he returns of their condition, and asking their loved ones to pray more so their time in Purgatory can be shortened. They tell how at their deaths, they were each 'afflicted' with a burning desire to see the Lord, so they are longing to pass through Purgatory. 

Virgil also exhorts Dante to listen to them, but keep moving as he does, so his own progress isn't slowed down by the curiosity of the different groups of souls. The canto contains some more geography lessons, with Dante giving precise details about where Bonconte died, but thankfully, none of the astronomical lessons. 

Canto 6  Ante-purgatory: the lone soul Sordello  After the travelers break free of the group, Dante questions Virgil about his writing that the prayers of those alive don't move God about the fate of those dead. Virgil replies the prayers of the living actually do satisfy the requirements of God, but more importantly, when Virgil wrote that, Christ still hadn't died, so the prayers of the dead were not directed towards the true savior of mankind. Virgil tells Dante that nonetheless, this is an important question and hold on to it until Beatrice, who waits at the top of the mountain, can give him a fuller explanation. Upon hearing Beatrice is waiting, Dante wants to push on, but Virgil lets him know that they can't make it up in one day. 

At this point they see a solitary soul ahead, who turns out to be a fellow Mantuan to Virgil. The patriotism Sordello shows moves Dante to launch into an invective about the political state of Italy, which I won't cover here because it concerns 13th century Italian politics, pretty much unknown to us. 

Canto 7  Ante-purgatory: the late repentant, princes too busy with affairs of state. Back from Dante's political rant to the narrative, Sordello asks who they are, and how they got there. Virgil asks him the quickest way to the start of Purgatory proper, but is told they would be unable to move at night. Sordello directs them to a sort of cove in the mountain where a group is resting. These turn out to be heads of state who had been too busy with earthly affairs to repent earlier. Again the overview of who these are will be lost on us today, so I won't bother recapping their descriptions. 

Canto 8  Ante-purgatory: still among the late-repentant princes  Dante is about to fall asleep when he is awakened because one of the princes decides to sing a hymn. During the hymn, Dante notices some angels that take up watch to both sides of the group. Sordello tells him this is because the serpent will come that evening. Then the three move down among the princes. Right away one notices Dante, it is his friend Nino Visconti, who asks how long he has been there. When Dante says he isn't yet dead, but came through hell in order to learn how to gain heaven, the others draw back. One is called forward, Corrado Malaspina, who asks Dante to have his daughter pray for him. At this point, the serpent tries to enter the camp, but the angels drive it off. Malaspina asks if Dante has any news of his family, to which Dante replies that they are still noble. Corrado prophecies that within seven years, Dante will know of their hospitality personally, not just through others. 

Canto 9  The gate of purgatory  Dante falls asleep and dreams he is snatched up by an eagle. This terrifies him, but when he wakes up, he finds that Lucia has carried him up to the gate of purgatory. Dante and Virgil are stopped at the gate by the guardian, but after they explain who they are, Dante is invited in. He first crosses three steps symbolizing sincere confession, contrition, and ardent love. Then the guardian inscribes seven P's on his forehead and tells him to be sure to wash them off inside. The guardian opens the door with two keys: symbolizing absolution and the power to judge the condition of the penitent. As they enter, the guardian warns Dante not to look back with longing or he will be returned outside. 

Canto 10  The ring of pride  Dante and Virgil enter purgatory and are immediately confronted with what seems like a shifting mountain. They pass through a difficult opening, and find themselves on a ledge that seems to have no way out. On the white marble walls though, are carved three scenes depicting true humility: Mary's humility before Gabriel's annunciation of Jesus' birth; the attempts to bring the ark to Jerusalem, showing the first presumption, then David's abasement; and Emperor Trajan's duty and mercy towards a bereaved widow.  

Virgil then points out a group of the proud, weighed down with heavy weights. Dante addresses the Christian reader asking why we should act so proud when we are nothing apart from God. 

Henderson the Rain King- Saul Bellow  (1959)  Gene Henderson is in a rut, sick of life and wanting to figure out what it's about. He loves his wife, but his weariness is wearing on everyone around him. He gets an opportunity to travel with a friend and his new bride to Africa, but before long, Henderson and his friend get sick of each other and Henderson leaves with his African guide to the guides hometown in the interior.  

Henderson finds a situation in the first that he can help with, but makes a mess and he leaves having left a bigger problem than when he arrived. They then travel to another tribe where he is taken in, and through a huge fluke, he becomes acknowledged as the "Rain King". The current king teaches him something about life, but then is killed trying to capture a Lion. Henderson returns home with a lion cub and an orphan, and there ends the story. 

Appointment in Samarra- John O'Hara  (1934)  The book chronicles the downward spiral of Julian English, a society-born member of a small coal-town in Pennsylvania. The particular incidents that precipitate each time Julian drops further, aren't told in real time. We are given the setup, and then in the aftermath, we find details of what he did. 

I found the interrelatedness of this smaller town kind of interesting. After the first incident, where Julian throws a cocktail at another club member whom he despises, things start to close down for him. Julian is a respected member of society, being the owner of several car dealerships. After the incident, people begin to keep their distance from him. My thought is: why doesn't he pick up and go to a different place where people don't know the history? But his place in society is due to his standing with those particular people. If he were to go elsewhere, he would have none of that. Even his living, the money earned from the business sales, is due to connections maintained through the social network of friendships. Once that starts to unravel, there is a quickening downward spiral. Having grown up in a later time, and in a metropolis, it's hard for me to relate to just how interrelated the lives of these inhabitants would be. If we don't like something about a business, we just go someplace else. But in a town of limited options, there can be serious repercussions to offending people. These relations have both a good, and bad, side. There are benefits to playing by the rules, and clearly, breaking the unwritten rules can be devastating.  

The Histories- Tacitus (100-110 AD)  This book covers what came to be known as the year of the four emperors- 69 AD.  

After Nero committed suicide, (Servius Sulpicius) Galba took over as emperor in June 68, but was murdered in Jan 69 on orders from (Marcus Salvius) Otho. But Otho inherited the problem of the rebellion of (Aulus) Vitellius. When they met on the battlefield, nothing had been decisive, but Otho committed suicide in April 69 to avoid more bloodshed, since more than 40000 men had already died in this civil war over who would become emperor. 

But even as Vitellius was now emperor, another challenger was coming from Judea, (Titus Flavius) Vespasian, who finally beat the Vitellian Forces and took power in December 69. 

The entire episode is a shameful account of armies no longer loyal to Rome as a state, but to individual generals; it is also an even more shameful account of armies easily bought off and more concerned with pillage and booty than the protection of Rome. 

The accounts of attacks by Rome's own soldiers on the Italian people is the story of Rome at a low point. 

It's no wonder that the people of Rome simply hungered for some stability after 69 AD. Vespasianus ruled for 10 years after and began some major construction works, including perhaps the most famous of all ancient monuments: The Flavian Amphitheater, now known as the Roman Colosseum.  

Introduction to Critical Theory: Horkheimer to Habermas- David Held (2001)  This is an overview tracing the development of Critical Theory. The Frankfurt School of Horkheimer, Adorno, Marcuse and later, Habermas, tasked themselves with updating Marxian theory in light of its failures to accurately predict the course of capitalism.  

While it wasn't easy to piece together what exactly critical theory is, the basic idea is that capitalism is full of contradictions, which have become institutionalized in society through a set of accepted beliefs. These beliefs proclaim a certain idealized society, but the reality falls short. However, people have accepted the ideals and are unwilling to challenge them, even though they sense that the reality is increasingly far from the promises made. 

Critical theory then is a way (or ways) to uncover those contradictions, bring them forward through discourse (the way we talk about things), and then use that knowledge of where society falls short of its goals to amend society and allow real human freedom and flourishing. That's the basic idea anyway. 

Horkheimer, Adorno, Marcuse, and Habermas each had differing ideas about how this should be brought about, and while some of their insights are interesting, I can't help feel that they fall short in some really meaningful ways. 

Clearly, they were unhappy with Soviet society, and felt that in order to rescue Marxism from such a fate, they needed to revitalize Marx by looking again at his ideas, adding clarity to his concepts, and in so doing, perhaps arrive at what the Marxists had hoped would happen: a better, more democratic society would emerge. But while critical theory was applied to the dominant discourse of their world: bourgeois society, I kept thinking that if they applied the critical theory to socialist societies as they existed in the world, the indictment would be much worse. 

They also expressed the dialectic method of looking at sociology, which they describe as using disciplines outside the traditional sociology to refine and get a better picture of what was happening. But this usually meant, for example, just combining something they liked in Freud, with Marx, and then running with that. While that may be more multidimensional than using only Marx, it is also leaving a lot undeveloped, which given the complexity of the complex system of society, means they weren't all that successful in answering many of their own questions.  

That said, I did see value in some of their notions, like Habermas' study of linguistics.