#so no wearing the historically accurate undergarment for the historical film you are shooting doesn't make you lose your feminist status

[tell-them-the-north-remembers]

If I hear the word "broodmare" used in a 3rd wave feminist, anti-patriarchy speech by a female character who is supposed to be from a time where bicycles aren't invented yet in one of these "historical" dramas I am going to lose my mind.

Like yes, feminists existed before the late 19th century! Good job! But am I supposed to believe that every single 16 year old princess had the exact same "I don't want to be sold off like a broodmare and bear children for my husband!" reaction to the news that they were going to have an arranged marriage, y'know the thing they have been prepared for their entire lives because children of monarchs in a pre-modern world were (and knew that they were) practically political bargaining tools?

Like showrunners of period dramas need to dial it down on the #girlboss juice and instead put more energy into historical costume research beyond typing "old timey dress" to Pinterest and running with the first five results.

[absynthe--minded]

Worst costume design you've seen in a movie? (Beauty and the Beast remake doesn't count because we all know you hate everything about it)

“we all know you hate everything about it” this is my legacy and I am very proud of that fact.

okay so this is actually a harder question than you might think? because a lot of the time I don’t hate everything about a film’s costume design, just some of it (Alice Kingsley’s blue dress in the first Alice in Wonderland film, exactly one half of every piece of clothing I saw onscreen in Jupiter Ascending, etc). Also I don’t necessarily hold that “garish” or “loud” means “bad” even though my own sensory issues scream at me, because sometimes an oversaturated color palette and bright, showy production design is part of the general aesthetic of the film (most of what Baz Luhrmann does, a bunch of weird indie films like Shortbus, the Spy Kids movies).

That being said, there are a few films that definitely stand out, and the one that’s been on my mind recently is The Three Musketeers (2011). Why, you ask? 

first off our leads are disgustingly bland - you can’t see it in this picture but underneath their admittedly well-tailored leather jackets (probably fake leather but who’s keeping score?) with the unnecessary compass rose design, they’re wearing generic peasant shirts. The one-shouldered capes are actually pretty badass? And in a film with a more monochromatic production design I do think I’d be less critical of these base outfits, because there’s nothing inherently wrong with them. So why am I complaining?

Because this film is incapable of creating and maintaining a consistent visual aesthetic, that’s why. It also has no idea what time period it takes place in. (Brief aside: I talk about historical accuracy a lot wrt the Beauty and the Beast costumes, but if there had been visual consistency I would care a lot less. Moulin Rouge! has a late-Victorian setting but uses it basically as window dressing for magical realism, so while the costumes are historically based they aren’t historically accurate but that is part of the established motif of the movie. The same rule applies here - if there had been genuine links in design and fabric choice and overall aesthetic between picture 1 and picture 2 I wouldn’t be having this conversation with you all.) this picture honestly sums up literally all my problems with this film - what the hell is going on? what time period is this? Ostensibly this is the real world, not a Fae court where anything goes in terms of sartorial choices. Also I hate everything about the outfit of the guy on the left (and you can tell how memorable the rest of this movie is, because I clearly remember everybody’s name!) because it’s so jarringly out of place and yet comes the closest to being historically accurate!

and just when we thought we were in Technicolor Hell Land forever, Orlando Bloom shed his blue and yellow travesty to give us this actually not entirely terrible black ensemble (see what I mean about no consistent visual aesthetic?) The one-shouldered cape is back - we saw it in two of the three men above, and Cardinal Richelieu bucked the trend by giving us a traditional cape (and fucking plate armor. You know, the plate armor that was fast becoming obsolete because of how effective guns were? That plate armor.) and if this is the one thing that ties all of these costumes together I don’t buy it. everything in this film is either loud and horrible or miserably bland. or you’re Milla Jovovich and you’re stuck in somebody’s nightmare dream of what period costume looked like

what is the waist on that dress

is that a peplum

it’s a shitty peplum, with fringe. shoot me.

okay I know these are supposed to be undergarments but UNDERGARMENTS FOR THOSE FUCKING HUGE DRESSES DID NOT WORK THAT WAY

HOW DID SHE SUPPORT THAT SKIRT? MAGIC? APPARENTLY.

and this is like. the most pernicious kind of Bad Costume Design, because on the surface it looks pretty good? but if you want to be a good costume designer you need your clothes to actually work and have consistent themes, and variations on that theme should be symbolically significant or point to things about your characters (also did you see that our leads are back to being disgustingly bland two pictures up? because I sure did!) and they should make SENSE and

there are a lot more movies like this out there. I have opinions about all of them.