#so many regrets and upsets rn which is hilarious bc I objectively don't have much to worry about

[iavanr]

I think I'm at the point in my life where I will give up trying to converse candidly and sincerely with anyone who is too jaded and whose first reaction to any creative project that is a risk is "haha it's gonna fail" congratulations not only have you just firmly shut down the conversation, I am never going to try and share any hopeful piece of news or creative project (mine or a friend's) with you ever again.

tried to tell my brother about a friend's final year project (theyre doing an audio tech course and their fyp is a concert), I was legit just trying to share a part of my day but i only got one sentence out (explaining that my friend was in an audio tech course) before my brother went "oh hes gonna regret that". Was genuinely shocked by how incandescently angry I immediately fucking got. Like speechless rage. Ruined the whole fucking grocery run that I had to go on with my brother and he still kept asking why I was so mad. Had a really similar reaction when my friend's dad asked me what I wanted to do as a job and I mentioned that a real dream would be to potentially be involved with education policy planning or smth similar and hopefully be able to better the system and that friend's father immediately went like "hah good luck" in a snide kind of tone. I almost wanted to get up and throw hands in the middle of my friend's living room.

The thing is I get it, the world is a fucking dumpster fire and anyone who has lived long enough in it is aware of how bleak everything really is. And for many people the response to this seeming hopelessness is to be cynical and scornful and acknowledge it and keep going regardless. I have a very easy life in comparison but idk the only way I can find this world worth living in is to be aggressively hopeful. Being cynical about the abject bleakness never helped me and honestly if I had kept with it I probably would have committed to just getting the fuck out of life way back in secondary school because I cannot find a legitimate and logical reason to continue existing. So I can't ever get too mad at people for reacting to any hopeful thing I try to talk about with immediate disdain/cynicism/laugh at it because that's what works for them but it fucks me up So Bad. It's like everything something like that happens I just want to kill myself on the spot all over again very viscerally. But also most people arent worth the time and effort it would take for me to communicate why exactly I would prefer for them to never react to something I'm trying to share like that ever again, so I guess I'll just take note of ppl who react like that and never bring up that kind of topic ever again bc I know I won't get the optimism and support I want from them, which is fine. It's not a big deal when I have other people in my life who will be able to be happy and hopeful with me. Whatever works for everyone individually and all that.

But yea I guess I just needed to shout this into the void somewhere god being alive is such a chore but I'm happy I can still try and find happiness for myself whenever and wherever I can