#so like. they'll probably let me get it. especially considering my past with mental health etc

[altruistic-meme]

so the ideal time for me to get any surgery would be this coming December but unfortunately there is no way in hell I'll be able to

[heartfulselkie]

Okay so I've gathered my thoughts so I'm just going to go ahead and post this.

This ended up a lot longer than I wanted it to be, so I'm putting the post undercut so as not to be a huge block of text on people's dashes.

Firstly, thank you to those who have been reading and enjoying my fics. It means a lot to me and I really appreciate that some of you even take the time to leave a comment or message me on my Tumblr.

Unfortunately this past year has been particularly rough for me and my mental health has been pretty abysmal. I'm not going to go into the details of it, but things just haven't been great. Writing has helped me a lot with that in the past, but recently it's just not doing the same. I've been writing but it feels like its going nowhere. I try to encourage interraction with my fics/writing on Tumblr but a lot of the time it feels like it comes up empty. Now I'm not blaming anyone or wanting anyone to feel guilty for that. People are allowed to consume fan content as they want and have a choice if they want to respond to it or not. I don't want anyone to feel like I'm forcing them into something they don't want to do. Because I share what I write so that other people can enjoy it and because I love writing.

My love of writing has become complicated though. And that's partly because I've started drawing again and sharing that as well. So now I'm seeing the huge disparity between my art content and writing content. And as much as I appreciate that people like my art, its disheartening for me as a writer. And I've always considered myself a writer before being an artist. It's just been getting harder and harder to write. I've lost a lot of confidence in it. I can see my art posts circling Tumblr again and again while any posts about my fics or to do with writing are just dead in the water after a day. Even if I reblog it multiple times, I'm lucky to get one like each time. Currently my writing takes far more time and effort for me than drawing. I'm feeling pressurised to write a lot and to update a lot just to keep some kind of consistent interest. But I just can't do that with my current health. I'm aware that the gap between chapter updates for Citrus and Lavender has slowly been getting longer and I hate it.

So now that I've hopefully explained the context, what does it mean?

The next chapter of Citrus and Lavender is going to be the last one for a while. Once I've finished chapter 33 and uploaded it, the fic will be going into hiatus. I need to put my writing and AO3 aside for the time being. At least until I can let go of the false expectations and pressure I've built for myself. It takes way too much of my time and effort for me to write fanfic for me to only feel inadequate with it. And I know I'm a capable writer, or at least I believe myself to be. But for the moment I'm just not in the best headspace for it.

I'm really sorry for this. Especially since chapter 33 for Citrus and Lavender is going to be a shit cut off point. I do still have every intention of finishing the fic, it's just going to be a long wait for it. I'll keep working on it at my own pace, I'll just not be uploading the chapters until probably the whole fic is done. By then I'll hopefully be in a better headspace to share it.

For my other fanfic WIPs I'm not too sure. They'll be in limbo for the time being while I work on them occasionally. But I'm not planning to be uploading any individual chapter of a multichapter fic for the foreseeable future.

As for my Tumblr I'll be cutting back my activity there too. I'll still post on occassion or share some of my art, but I will be a lot less present than I have been.

Again I want to stress that this is not meant to serve as a guilt trip for anyone. This has just been a PSA on my current state and how I can't continue to keep going as I have been. I just need time to find my own value in my writing again.

Thanks to everyone who has left comments on my fics or reached out to me to tell me how much they enjoy my work. It's meant a lot to me and given me enough to know there are people out there that like what I share, no matter what my insecurity tells me.

And thank you to everyone who took the time to read all of this. I appreciate it.

[distantdreamboy]

Can't Stay On My Chest Forever: The Series [working title] 🍂

My being feels calmer after getting this out. Glad I did it.

It confuses me how I can be as inactive as I am and still be spread thin. Probably doesn't help that my family assumes I'm doing nothing with my life and just express how "worried" they are. Not worried about my mental health, just my income. We don't really go into depth about the mental health thing because certain people in the household would have to be held accountable for their actions and we can't have that. So the energy in the house is stagnant. Sometimes we'll try to cut through the scent of resentment and converse, share laughs, toss a kind phrase or two but the warmth can be fleeting. Without saying too much, my line of work is very physically demanding and time consuming but I love it--and I'm good at it. I got good work all summer and as a freelancer that can be rare so I save for the seasons in which work may not come around that often. After that I had a nice cushion that allowed me to coast for a bit. While I'll admit I have been exhausting it I've been progressing. For the past few months I've been making CAREER moves rather than getting one-off jobs for some extra cash. I'm not above those jobs (although I'm not inclined to them either) but my best self wouldn't be present if I wasn't passionate about it. Regardless it's frustrating to have to explain to them that I'm experiencing BURNOUT. I'm rehabbing an injury I never got properly treated because I was stuck in survival mode. I've attempted to move out three separate times and it didn't work out--but I tried. I've been working, been making money, and been making career moves! People know my name! They reach out to work with me because of who I am, what I do, and what I provide. To be frank, it feels like I'm figuring a lot of this shit out by myself and it's a lot to manage especially considering I've been pushed to question my reality. This is apart from all the familial pressure that I'm supposedly putting on myself. So, forgive me if taking some time off to recuperate doesn't fit into your rubric--but don't talk to me like I'm doing nothing. Maybe support what I'm already doing for myself first. Is that so hard? The vibes be so ass and I've told them exactly how I feel and they look at me like I have three heads. Thankfully I've realized that this isn't something I can carry. It would be best for me to create distance and set my boundaries. I'm going to save myself.

I was writing a letter to them that contained everything I wanted to say for the past ten years. Anger lay embedded in each paragraph because for so long I felt like it was unjust. Like it was all in my head. But I came across the sadness beneath the anger, I'm sorry to disappoint.

Some peers have made it seem as if my flirty guy stories were "all in my head" but I these dudes do some questionable things! Some might say lascivious (shoutout Brian Broome) behaviors! This self-proclaimed 'straight' guy at a bar cracks a joke at me and I'm a good sport, so I crack one back. He laughs and daps me up but holds on to my hand for a while, saying "nah that was too good we can't let go", so we held hands for about 10 seconds. It was...interesting to say the least. I was confused more than anything because where is the punchline for this joke? There is none--we're just holding hands while everyone talks around us. One of his friends is observing this, silently weaving a narrative that they'll discuss on the ride home. Maybe it was just a friendly gesture, an I come in peace, which I can respect, but its a tad tedious to have to question these pseudo advancements from the potentially curious. There are so many subtle signs I have to clock, sometimes pulling myself aside to do so. I'll take a bathroom break to regroup a counting the signs: held hands, prolonged eye contact, making sure he got my social media, watching me while I'm not looking. It's always weird when this happens because they expect me to make every move after that--they want me to so they can pin it on me if it's ever disclosed. Jokes on him...I'm the one who makes my partners sign NDAs.

This brings me to another situation, one with less subtlety. Again, another assumed 'straight' guy (whom I have referenced in a previous entry) sent some lascivious signs my way. The first of which was showing me his sextapes, the second of which being glancing at my ass, the third was glancing at my lips while the forth was asking 'if I touched you there, would that turn you on?'. This all before the fifth and final hand-swipe-on-the-lower-back, often used as the finishing maneuver after 6 shots of Casamigos. It almost worked, my saving grace being my church lady like demeanor and my principle of not being a home wrecker. Also the fact that I care about my karma. That's probably at least 86% of it. So nothing happens and we keep it chill, but I don't forget that night and truthfully I don't think he did either. Drunk mind speaks a sober tongue, cliche but true. Once I started checking if he viewed my story I knew I was in too deep--okay not too deep but deeper than I wanted to be. I can less-than-confidently say that its not just me, hearing through the grapevine that you want to come hang, come spend tiiiime with the kid. There's something about me you appreciate and the feeling is mutual but I can't help but wonder what this connection is being built on. What part of your body does this newfound 'interest' seek to satisfy? Are we just friends? Friends who flirt? Friends who flirt with an intent to bump uglies? Do you...like me? Not like like but a crush? Will this be a bad-boy-changes-his-ways romance storyline? The answer won't come to me overnight but I guess I'll have to wait till we see each other next, and even then it isn't guaranteed. All I know for certain is imma look STU-NNING.

[wlw-lovestruck-fiction]

Hey...

I feel very lonely currently. I'm struggling with my mental health (for like 6 years) And now I'm getting therapy for the first time and I've stopped going to school. I'm the anon with the car crash btw. I drove a bit today and had a panic attack.

My friend asked me if I want to go shopping with her, which would require me to drive and well I said no, because I'm also still slightly in pain... She asked me if I'll come back to school and I said no. I feel very stupid now. She asked what I'm doing instead and I said therapy. She stopped answering until now. I guess I should've added trying to survive, because of my suicidal thoughts.

I have to go to the physiotherapy for a week because of my neck and stuff and I'm already not feeling good about it. First, because of my social anxiety, second because of my depression making it hard to even brush my teeth sometimes and third I'm scared of having to do it with a male. I probably have some trauma, according to my therapist, and I'm scared. I don't really consider everything that happend a big deal and I feel bad for being so afraid of males but I don't know what to do.

I told my friend that I don't want to go, not only because of the exercises, but because lf the reasons above (worded different of course). I guess she got me wrong and she said "Physiotherapy isn't that hard". I feel like none of my friends really understand me anymore since my mental health struggles are out and the only friend that really would understand barely answers my texts anymore. They're the only friends I have.

I feel like I'm becoming this toxic negative friend, who's just being lazy and talked her way out of a stressful time, just for some therapy she doesn't need.

Sometimes everything is feeling normal between us if we meet up, even if I get inmy head and start feeling lonely even when I'm with them. And then there are times like this, when I feel like they'll turn around and betrayal me, that they don't need me anymore and that I have to come to terms with that they'll probably leave me.

I've already taken a few steps back from them automatically since I also needed time for myself the past weeks. I constantly find myself thinking it's better to leave now, remember a truly beautiful friendship, than a painful break. I feel lonely, like I'm completely alone on the world. I failed. So hard.

And I can't even be there for my friends the way they need me anymore. Sometimes I wish they would just use me so I can make them happy and finally be useful before I end myself. It feels like I'm such a drama queen. Probably I am.

No one truly needs me in the end and I'm just a pain for everyone.

I just feel like giving up completely. I know I should try harder, maybe talk to them about how I feel, try staying in the present and not get lost in my maladaptive daydreams and everything else, do what has to be done still..

But I don't really see a point anymore I guess.

I've ruined my life already. I can't get back all the time I've lost, all the moments I ruined because of my depression, my anxiety, my possible trauma, my daydreams, my whatever...

And the future looks even worse.

I wish I wasn't so alone right now. I wish I didn't mess up all the time.

But I guess It's the only thing I'm good at.

I feel selfish and sometimes my own thoughts scare me. When I get annoyed at my friend for example I'm like "You shouldn't do that, that's not you. She did nothing wrong. Why are you getting annoyed?" ..

It's probably weird how that scares me more than my suicidal thoughts..

I don't know who exactly I am anymore and I don't know if I like what I'm becoming.

Probably I'm gonna text one of my friends now and tell her that I've changed my mind and will go shopping with her, because I feel really guilty right now for saying no...

I don't want to lose my friends. They're my family. For years we only had each other, because of bullying from our classmates... Maybe that was the only thing holding us together? But it held on without them...maybe it was just school and now that I'm out of school currently I'm just npt needed anymore, can't talk with them anymore...

Maybe my life is just fucked. Maybe that's all it'll ever be.

I mean how could it be something else? I'm scared of being happy or feeling okay, since I feel like the price you have to pay for it is too high... And even happiness doesn't really make up for all the abuse, pain, ect. that is going on in this world.

I hope I haven't ruined your day/night.

Thanks for letting me vent again. And thanks for the response last time.

Take care ^^

(Reaches over to hug you)

Don’t worry, anon, everyone needs to vent once in a while – and we are here for you. It’s always good to get these sorts of things out of your chest.

I totally understand why you would have a panic attack, what with all those emotions weighing you down, and why you don’t want to drive for now. And I also understand how hard dealing with depression must be, especially when you said it’s hard for you to get up sometimes, but hey, I’m sure you’ll make progress. Even if these therapy sessions are the first ones you’ve gotten, they are already helping you realize some things. It’s a long, hard, exhausting process – but I’m sure you’ll make it. I’m sure the sessions will help you. Please give yourself a chance to overcome all of these dark feelings.

Regarding your friends… It’s hard to know how to support other people in these kinds of situations. You said you’re scared of losing them, but I think that goes both ways. I’m sure they want to help you, but they aren’t exactly sure how. You don’t need to explain everything to them if you don’t feel safe doing so, but what I’m trying to get at here is that if you explain, then maybe they’ll adapt the plans they want to make with you, in a way that doesn’t require you to drive or at least don’t make you feel physical pain. I get that you’re scared of bothering them, or being a burden, or a toxic negative friend, but I can assure you that is not true. I have friends that also go through depressing times, and even though it’s sometimes hard to support them, I would never consider them a burden. My only goal is to help them. I’m sure that’s true for your friends, too.

Yes, I understand that you’d rather remember a beautiful friendship than a painful break, but I’d wager letting you feel this lonely is worse. You aren’t being a drama queen, anon. You are voicing what you feel and your struggle. Honestly, from where I stand (because I prefer to bottle everything up), sharing it like this takes guts. You acknowledge it. That’s an important step. And I’m sure you can share it with your therapist and your loved ones, too. You won’t be burdening them. You’ll be giving them the key to help you.

I really, really hope you can get out of this dark void, anon. We are here for you. I’m sorry I can’t be more help, though I really want to. Take care as well, anon. ❤️- Mod Jessa