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uhhkpop · 28 days ago

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A Perfect Girl - Eric Sohn x (afab)NB!reader

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Content/Warnings: College AU, Smut (18+ mdni), Fluff, Angst, they/them reader, discussion of pronouns, reader’s gender identity not specified- implied to be slightly female aligned but outside the gender binary, misgendering (accidental and deliberate), insecurity, reader has body hair, reader is taller than Eric, Eric’s ex is a bully, virgin!reader with no dating experience, big dick!Eric (iykyk 👀), tit sucking, unprotected piv sex (DONT DO THIS), oral (receiving), marking (giving and receiving), reader becomes a bit possessive but Eric thinks it’s hot, an “ily”, hurt-comfort, this is ridiculously long, lmk if I’ve missed something

DISCLAIMER: I write fan fiction for myself and myself only. If you feel excluded or underrepresented by the content, that is because it is specifically intended to represent me. If you like it, that’s great, and I’m hoping a few people might, but if you don’t, then you are free to read something else.

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By itself, crushing on a boy sucks. It sucks even more when you dress kinda masculine, have a couple inches on him height-wise, and you worry that as a (presumably) heterosexual man, these qualities on a woman (or whatever it is you are, you’ve given up on figuring it out) will be a turn off for him.

You like to think that Eric isn’t full of toxic masculinity or anything of the sort, though you wouldn’t blame him if he was a bit insecure— most people are, in one way or another. But at the end of the day, cis-het men like femininity and that is not you. So, all you can do is look at him wistfully from across the classroom and fantasize about things that you’re sure will never happen. Sighing, you think about how the only girls you’ve seen him date have all been short and pretty with frilly outfits, flowing long hair, and foreheads never too high for him to kiss. You aren’t jealous of their height or how they dress, you wouldn’t want to look like them anyway, but you are jealous that they get to be considered desirable and you aren’t. Eric Sohn is too normal for you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

You’re so wrapped up in your own thoughts that you almost don’t hear the professor announce that partners for the group project will be posted tonight. You’re still sneaking glances at him even as class ends and people start filtering out when you see a girl jog in with a hopeful look on her face. She goes straight towards Eric and grabs his hand and although you can’t hear everything, the girl says something along the lines of, “Come onnnnn. We should spend time together again. I miss you, you know?”, in a coaxing tone. You watch Eric’s face harden as he speaks crossly,

“What did you think I meant when I said I didn’t want to see you anymore?” He fixes her with a glare. The girl just looks at him innocently.

“Well, I know you just wanted a few days to cool down, so I gave you a few days and now we can go back to our old routine!” She smiles at him, clearly ignoring the annoyed look on his face. You continue to pack up slowly because even though you know it’s not your business and you’re internally scolding yourself for being nosy, part of you feels compelled to find out where this is going. Because it’s Eric.

“You know that’s not what I meant. I’m not falling for this bullshit again,” Eric retorts. His voice is terse, almost angry. Your bag is all packed now and when you hear the girl start to speak again, an impulse takes over and you suddenly yell to him from across the room.

“Eric!” You call his name and wave at him. The face of the girl (who you now assume is a recent ex) twists into displeasure as you jog over. “Did you forget the reservation at that lunch place that we booked? I don’t want to be late.” Eric’s expression quickly goes from confusion to what seems to be relief.

“Lunch…” the ex scoffs, “with this ugly bitch? I see you’ve lowered your standards.” Well, ouch. That stung. She storms off before Eric can get another word in. Once she’s completely gone, you try to smile apologetically and offer,

“Sorry. You seemed a bit stuck there, so I wanted to help.” He laughs at this and shakes his head.

“No, you’re good! I’m actually glad she’s gone. I don’t think she’ll bother me again anytime soon.” He motions with his head for you to come along, so you follow him out of the classroom. “Exes, am I right?”, he quips jokingly. You shrug and stuff your hands in your pockets.

“I wouldn’t know.”

“Wait, really?” Eric’s eyes widen a bit.

“Is it that weird that I haven’t dated yet?,” you ask curiously.

“No, no,” he backtracks, looking uncomfortable, suddenly aware of what he said, “that’s not exactly what I meant. I mean, it’s totally okay if you choose not to date, not everyone has to date if they don’t want to, I know that, yeah, I’ve just overheard you ranting to friends about being single before, so I figured…” Eric rambles and then trails off. You chuckle a bit in response as you walk across one of the wide courtyards on campus.

“Don’t worry, I’m not mad. But where are we going by the way?”, you ask.

“I don’t know, actually.” You look at him, puzzled about his response.

“But I’m just following you,” you say. He looks back, equally confused by your words and replies,

“I thought I was following you???” You stop in your tracks and burst out laughing and it isn’t long before Eric joins in. After a few minutes, you take a couple of deep breaths to settle down, a giggle or two still occasionally coming up. You can’t remember the last time you laughed that hard. It felt good, really good. “So,” Eric says, “do you want to actually get lunch? I’ll buy since I owe you for rescuing me back there.” You can’t keep the grin off your face.

“I’d love to.”

~~~

On the way there and at the cafe, Eric chatted nonstop about the ex who had bothered him (Gina, you think her name was) earlier as well as about anything and everything else that came to mind. You found that you actually enjoyed listening to him speak even more than you’d expected. It wasn’t often that you found someone who could both outtalk you and simultaneously entertain you enough that you genuinely enjoyed listening to them even when you didn’t get much of a word in.

The whole thing was like a dream and you roll around on your bed, covering your face with your hands and laughing as you reminisce about it. You thought he was cute before and now you’re pretty sure you might be obsessed, too. You don’t think your luck could get any better than it already is today but when you check the list of partners assigned by the professor, you’re proven wrong. The name next to yours on the chart is none other than Eric’s.

You had exchanged numbers at lunch, so you text him the news and set up a time to meet each week to work on it. You can’t believe you’re going to be seeing him outside of class and even though you’re a bit apprehensive (out of fear you might fuck something up), you’re mostly just excited to spend time with him.

You begin sitting together every class and as he’d predicted, Gina didn’t make another attempt at an after-lecture visit. Not only is the project coming along nicely, you now feel like you can say that Eric has become a good friend. You’ve even forgotten how self-conscious you used to feel whenever you were next to him. Or at least, you’ve mostly forgotten. He made you laugh often enough that you didn’t have much time to think about it, but now and then you still feel lingering doubts at the back of your mind. Doubts that hurtle towards the surface today when Gina suddenly marches towards you while you’re studying by yourself in the library, sits across from you, and affixes you with a glare, saying,

“I can’t believe he’s been spending so much time with such a poor excuse for a girl.” Her voice drips with venom and stuns you speechless, and she goes on, “I mean, look at you, what kind of girl dresses like that? What kind of girl lets herself have that much body hair? It’s kinda gross, not gonna lie.” When you open your mouth to ask why you would even have to be a ‘girl’ or dress in a certain way, she interjects again. “You aren’t pretty at all, and you seem pretty boring, too. Even if I can’t have him anymore, you should leave him alone for someone who’s actually in his league.”

At this point, you feel compelled to clarify that Eric isn’t dating you or even interested, but you don’t want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that, so you just tell her the harshest thing you can think of in that moment: “I’m sorry that conforming to binary gender stereotypes is so important to you. Hopefully one day you’ll get a hobby that doesn’t involve judging other people for how they dress.” You look at her nonchalantly and she looks like she wants nothing more than to cuss you out right now. But she doesn’t. Gina just stands up abruptly and walks away. Unfortunately, however, the pride you feel for reacting so calmly, is edged out by a feeling of discomfort. If anyone’s opinion should be taken seriously, it certainly shouldn’t be hers, but you can’t shake the nagging sense that she isn’t the only one who thinks the way she does.

In general, you’re happy with yourself. You’re okay with not being pretty. In the end, how you look doesn’t matter, right? …right? Except it kinda does, because you want Eric to think you’re pretty, but that seems far fetched, so you remind yourself not to get any hopes up.

You stretch and begin to pack up. After that confrontation, the thought of being here much longer makes you feel ill, so you head out the door feeling unsettled and just plain bad. Why did some people suck that much? All you want to do is go home, nap, and try not to think about it. It doesn’t even occur to you that today you have one of your weekly meetings with Eric to work on the project together. Once you get home, you plop face first into the couch and after a bit of rolling around, quickly fall asleep.

~~~

You’re rudely awakened by both the sound of your phone ringing and someone knocking on your door. “What the fuck?” You mutter and stand up. As soon as you open the door and see Eric’s face, it dawns on you. You’d completely forgotten what day it was. This had never happened before and frankly, you’re embarrassed. Letting him in, you feel yourself wither away even more on the inside. Eric should be mad, you think, but his expression remains neutral, confused even. It’s hard to speak, just seeing him right now makes you almost want to cry, but you open your mouth to try to say something to him anyway. You don’t even get the chance. Once the front door closes, Eric gently puts his hands on your arms and asks,

“Shit, you okay?” He has a concerned look on his face. You figure you must look pretty pathetic right now if he’s this worried just from looking at you. It isn’t long before the dam breaks and tears stream down your face. Eric rubs your arms and guides you to sit down on your sofa. “Hard day?” You gulp down sobs and nod. “Do… you want to talk about it?” You shake your head even though you do, actually, want to talk about it. But you can’t let him know because you don’t want him to pity you or even worse, confront his ex which might make her target you even more.

“We should…" you swallow, "get to work." You lean to grab your backpack to remind Eric of why he came over in the first place. He stops you though, holding each of your hands in his, gently stroking your knuckles with his thumbs.

"No," Eric insists, "we can always finish it up later. You aren't feeling good right now, so we probably wouldn’t get a ton of stuff done anyway," You look down at your lap, not sure how to reply. Eventually, you force out a weak ‘okay’. “Is there anything I can do to help?”, Eric asks and you shrug, still looking down, not wanting to talk. He lets go of your hands and returns them to his own lap. “Would… you like a hug?” You nod and you feel him wrap his arms around you, warm and strong, adjusting yourself in his arms so you can rest your forehead on his shoulder. Eric holds you like that for several minutes even though you aren’t crying anymore. You savor this moment because you’re pretty sure you’re a little bit in love with him and you don’t know if you’ll get chance to be this close to him ever again. It feels wrong, as if you’re taking advantage of his kindness to satisfy how utterly touch starved you feel, but right now, you don’t have the energy to think too deeply into it.

Eric releases you from his hold and pinches your arm, giving you a smile that is mischievous yet still sympathetic, an expression you didn’t even know existed before meeting him. “So,” Eric chuckles, “if you don’t wanna tell me what happened, could you at least tell me who made you feel this way, so I can go kick them in the ass?” You laugh dryly, but it lacks much humor.

“I don’t care about what happens to the other person, but one of the people is me, and I’d rather not have my ass kicked, thank you very much.” You fix him with a weary smile and his expression drops, the only sound out of his mouth is a concerned whisper of your name.

“You don’t deserve that from anyone, least of all yourself,” Eric insists.

“I know,” you say, “and usually it’s not an issue, but I have insecurities just like everyone else and sometimes I meet people who are really good at reminding me of them. And it’s not even that I compare myself to other people,” you go on, “but it’s not like I can stop other people from doing that or even from saying it straight to my face. It’s fucking bullshit.” You lean back against the couch and look at the ceiling.

You hear him sigh. “I don’t know what to say, I’m sorry man, that really sucks.” The both of you sit in silence for a few seconds before Eric blurts out, “They must have said something pretty bad to upset you that much, usually you seem so unbothered by things.”

“I mean, kinda, but it’s just a front a lot of the time. I’ve learned to just roll with it to avoid attracting even more attention. I’ve always stuck out a bit, you know? Especially since I started college.” You sit up straight and look at him again, but Eric’s expression is somewhat unreadable.

“What changed?”, he tentatively asks. You shrug casually, trying to play it cool.

“Just the way I dress and refer to myself, I guess. New town, new me. I finally started wearing the clothes I wanted instead of making myself look like a girl to feel normal… and…” you hesitate at this part. You know he’ll be accepting, you’re almost completely sure of it, but you know that there’s always a risk with this kind of thing. A risk of people pushing you away out of judgment or prejudice. You know that Eric most likely won’t push you away, and that if he does, you’re better off not having him in your life anyway. But none of that makes it any less scary.

You inhale, hoping for the best, bracing for the worst, and confess, “I also started using they/them pronouns. I didn’t change my name or anything but I don’t refer to myself as a girl or a woman as often as I used to. I don’t mind people using ‘she’ or describing me with those words, but it just feels better when people refer to me more neutrally.” Your legs are wiggling nervously and you pick at your fingernails as you wait for a response.

“Cool,” Eric says calmly then gives you a genuine smile, “Thanks for trusting me enough to tell me. I’ll do my best to keep it in mind.” The weight on your shoulders has disappeared and you feel like you can fully breathe again. You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding and Eric laughs and reaches over to massage one of your shoulders. “Relax a bit, you’re fine,” he reassures, his expression still amused.

“Thanks.” You smile at Eric, truly grateful.

~~~

Since then, Eric has made a diligent effort to use the right language for you. You sometimes have to remind him that he doesn’t need to focus so hard on it; you feel like he sees you for who you are, and that’s the most important part. Still, he does his best, and it’s endearing, to say the very least. Part of you wishes you hadn’t told him— you already had feelings for him before and now that he’s putting in all this effort just to make you feel comfortable and seen, you’re falling for him even harder.

But despite all this, he clearly only sees you as a friend. It’s obvious, the way he’ll ask for an opinion about some girl’s profile on whatever dating app he’s using, how he’ll sometimes give you a fist bump as a greeting. You’re starting to wonder if he just sees you as another guy friend, and you really don’t want that.

Otherwise, everything is great between you two. The project went well and your professor commented on your chemistry when presenting together, saying that it would be nice if all of the teams worked together so well. Eric has started inviting you to hang out with his other friends who you’ve discovered are also really fun to be around. Everything is falling into place except your desire to be even physically and emotionally closer to him than you already are. But you’re a coward and you can’t tell him that. You don’t want to risk one of your best friendships. So you stay quiet and let things be.

The staying quiet part itself is easy enough but suppressing your feelings around Eric is not. Your urges to stare at him or giggle or grin like an idiot whenever he does something remotely cute or funny are overwhelming, so you wear a facade of ‘calm, cool, and collected’ as best you can. You think you’re succeeding, but you can’t be too sure, especially when Eric’s friends sometimes subtly nudge you, giving knowing smiles as if to tell you that they’ve caught onto your little secret. Now that you think of it, they definitely know. It’s not hard to tell when Eric asks you to come with him to a party they’ve all been invited to and Hyunjae looks at you with a gleam in his eye and suggests nonchalantly that it could be ‘a fun excuse to dress up, maybe try and catch someone’s eye,’ finally shutting up when Juyeon elbows him in the ribs and shoots him a pointed look. You’re slightly embarrassed that they’ve figured it out this fast but at the same time, you’re grateful that they haven’t seemed to have said anything to Eric yet.

Usually you’re not someone to go to parties. But for the sake of Eric, you agree quickly and begin to wonder what you’ve gotten yourself into.

~~~

As soon as you step into the party, you feel out of place. It’s uncomfortably loud, smells of smoke and booze, and whoever is DJ-ing is doing a very shitty job. Then again, most people here are probably too drunk to care anyway. If Eric hadn’t asked you to be here, you would’ve left already. A stranger comes up to you to offer a drink and gives you a rude side eye when you decline it and you know you’ve already lost popularity points that you didn’t have in the first place.

Your eyes scan the room for Eric, but it’s too crowded to tell if he’s even here. For all you know, he could be off wooing one of the many high heeled girls in their little black dresses and immaculate makeup, having completely forgotten about you. You don’t even remember the name of this other friend of his who’s having their birthday tonight. Maybe Eric just brought you along because he knew that you wouldn’t put up with his ex’s bullshit unlike the other ‘girls’ he could have asked. But what’s the point if he’s not even here? You text him again but get no response, he probably doesn’t notice the phone buzzing in his pocket anyway. You decide you’ll try one more time in a few minutes, but for now, all you can do is stare into space and wish you were somewhere else.

After a few minutes, you reach for your phone again, feeling ready to give up if you still don’t get a response but you’re interrupted by strong hands suddenly grabbing your arm. You startle, ready to punch someone if you have to, but upon seeing it’s only Eric, you let yourself relax.

“Hey, (Y/N)… you came!”, Eric says excitedly. He doesn’t seem super drunk yet but he’s certainly at least a bit tipsy.

“I did,” you sigh begrudgingly, fiddling with a loose thread on your pants.

“You look soooo cool, by the way,” he nods approvingly and even though you can tell he’s a bit more inebriated than you initially thought, for the first time tonight, you feel attractive, sexy even. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to wear ripped jeans and a suit vest as a top if Eric seems to like it. You mentally kick yourself for being so emotionally invested in a man’s opinion.

“Is there anything fun to do here that doesn’t involve drinking?” You ask, hoping that the response will be something other than no. However, you are not so fortunate.

“Not really,” Eric says, “unless you wanna dance?” His eyes light up mischievously but you shake your head at the suggestion. You do not want your chunky boots to make you look even taller than you already are in comparison to him. “Besides,” he adds, “I like having you here.” You aren’t sure whether to swoon or feel disappointed because that could mean plenty of things.

“Is it so I can tell your annoying ex to fuck off?” You inquire. He widens his eyes at your suggestion, looking almost offended you would assume such a thing.

“No, no, no… not at all! Well… maybe a little bit, but only a little bit. I invited you because I wanted to hang out,” he insists.

“There are better occasions for hanging out,” you grumble, but he doesn’t seem to hear.

“Let’s go sit!” Eric announces pulling you by your wrist to a couch near the edge of the room. Soon, you find yourself squeezed next to him on some piece of furniture that’s probably only meant for one person to comfortably stretch out on but not for two to sit next to each other. Eric goes on a tipsy ramble about something you don’t really understand but you nod along anyway. Your hands are resting on your lap and you wonder when he’ll realize that he’s mindlessly playing with your fingers. Not that you mind; it’s pretty cute, actually. This is nice, you think. You wouldn’t mind staying like this for the rest of the night, but the universe has other plans.

“You’re with her again? Don’t you know better?” Eric’s ever-lovely ex appears in front of you, wearing a scowl on her face. You’re not surprised that she’s talking about you as if you aren’t even there. Eric fixes her with a confused look.

“Why would I ‘know better’? As far as I’m concerned, being with them is better than dealing with your jealous ass.” Hearing this, Gina scoffs,

“You’re just doing this because you pity her and because you’re trying to piss me off by being with someone… who looks like that.” People are starting to watch the scene and you’re becoming self conscious.

“I think they look hot, so your opinion is irrelevant,” Eric snaps back at her. “Unlike what you seem to think, the reason I broke up with you wasn’t because I stopped finding you attractive, it’s because you act like this.” Eric pauses and you think he’s done with his rant until he suddenly adds, “also, you were shit in bed.” A scattering of whispers and murmurs goes through the group watching the confrontation and Gina looks like she’s going to cry. You immediately stand up and pull Eric with you,

“Alright, we’re gonna go now,” you announce, dragging him to the door with a cheeky smirk still plastered to his face. As much as you thought she deserved it, you figure she’s probably had enough humiliation for the night, so you wait outside the house with Eric and call a cab. Your head is spinning with thoughts and you have to know the details. You’re hot? His ex was bad in bed? But you don’t know where to start, so instead you just say, “you were pretty savage back there,” both surprise and admiration lacing your voice.

“I’m as savage as it gets,” Eric says proudly, barking and growling like a dog as he ends his statement. He grins at you and for some strange reason, you’re absolutely enamored with this weirdo.

“By the way, did you mean it?”, you ask. “Y’know, the thing you said?”

“Which one, the one where I said you looked hot or the one where I said she was bad at sex? Because both are technically true, in my opinion.” Eric shrugs and gives you a crooked, tipsy smile. Your heart is drumming. You know that his answer is going to either be the best news you’ve heard in years, or an absolute letdown.

“Can you clarify? Like, do you think I’m hot, or am I just hot in general?”

“Can’t it be both?” Eric looks at you quizzically.

“‘Cause, like, I have no doubt that you said that to annoy her which is totally valid to me, but I need to know if you just said it to annoy her or if you actually, personally, are attracted to me.”

“Look,” Eric says, “annoying her was not my plan when I said that, it just happened to be a nice bonus.” He giggles, swaying a bit and you wonder how much of this he’ll remember tomorrow. Eric purses his lips, “The thing I said about her being bad in bed, that one was to annoy her. It also happens to be true, but it was mostly for petty revenge.”

“Was she really that bad?”, you ask. Probably too personal of a question, but he brought it up, so you’re itching to know the story.

“Hmm, in a way, yeah. It was always very impersonal and she mostly just cared about herself. When I said I wanted her to be more attentive and caring towards me, she looked at me as if I was crazy. Like, can’t a guy just want some emotional intimacy?” He scoffs at the memory and you feel your heart squeeze. You think to yourself that you’ll store that information for later and then mentally scold yourself for being delusional.

“That’s stupid,” you finally reply. “She’s the weird one, not you.”

“Yeah! I know!”, Eric complains. Then he grabs your hand and leans into you. “See, this is why I like you. You get me.”

“Yeah?”, you murmur quietly, wrapped up in the moment.

“Yeah,” he repeats softly, and he looks at you so dreamily that it takes everything in you to not kiss him right then and there.

The arrival of the cab interrupts your moment and neither of you speak as the driver takes you to each of your respective destinations. When you finally get into your bedroom, you flop onto the bed without even getting undressed and scream into your pillow. You aren’t excited, you aren’t upset, you’re just… stuck. Overwhelmed by your feelings for a man you’re sure could never want you the way you want him. And it’s impossible to get rid of him now that he’s in more parts of your life than you can count. You couldn’t, anyway, no matter how much you wanted to. You know that even if you tried to cut him out, all it would take is a text from him and you’d come running without hesitation. Eric Sohn has you wrapped around his finger and he doesn’t even know it.

~~~

After meeting Eric the next day ‘to check on his hangover’ (aka gather info on how much he actually remembers from the previous night), you’ve discovered that he’s forgotten more than you expected him to. He remembers all of the events for the most part. Eric knows that he drank, talked with some friends, found you, got in an argument with his ex, and then was dragged out by you for saying something nasty. What he couldn’t recall is any of what he specifically said. Which left it up to you to decide how much to actually tell him.

It’s only fair that he knows, so you tell Eric everything. Well… everything except for your conversation outside. You aren’t sure why, but the idea of Eric finding out that he implied last night that he genuinely found you attractive and that he told you why he wasn’t satisfied with his ex in bed fills you with a sense of dread. Part of you is probably afraid that his explanation for the former has changed and as for the latter, you don’t want to embarrass him. At least that’s what you tell yourself because you don’t want to admit that you’re saving that information for the off chance you ever do get to sleep with him.

You fantasize that not only will you give him your body, but your heart, too, and that it will make him fall so deeply for you that none of those things you worry about will even matter. You’ll love him better than any of his exes did, so much that he won’t see anyone else but you. But those are dreams, not reality.

Straight men usually want girls who will complement their own sense masculinity, not challenge it. Straight men usually want girls. And unless you’ve misinterpreted something, he is one of the ‘straight men’ but you’ll never be one of the ‘girls’. And of course there are exceptions, it’s not like this is a rule, but how are you supposed to feel hopeful when you’ve never seen it happen in real life or even in fiction?

~~~

When Eric invites you to another party, this time at his apartment on a Friday night, you’re confused. After the events of last Friday, you’re wondering what made him think this was even remotely a good idea. But he promises it’ll be a small informal event and you’re weak when it comes to Eric, so of course you agree.

You decide to go a little more casual this time, just wearing your most comfortable jeans and a simple button up tee. Hopefully it won’t be too casual compared to everyone else there. When you get to his place, however, you don’t even see anyone whose outfit could be a potential gauge for the vibe of this party. It’s just you and Eric in the apartment. The lights are low and there’s music playing, so surely there has to be someone else here already, right?

“Am I early, or something?”, you ask as Eric lets you into his apartment.

“Nah,” he says, walking around aimlessly.

“Then why am I the only one here?”

“Uh… you’re kinda, like, the only person I invited,” he admits with a playful grin. You look at him incredulously and lightly slug him in the shoulder.

“What the fuck, man? You had me anxious for nothing!” You laugh in relief. “I was psyching myself up to get ready to endure several hours of being social, and now you’re telling me it was all for nothing?” Eric frowns facetiously.

“What do you expect me to do about it?”, he asks. You just snicker in response. Eric has you sit down at his small dining table while he gets you a drink and you watch his broad back as he opens the fridge and asks you what you want. You know you’re distracted by him, but you can’t help it. It’s even worse tonight because he obviously put some effort into his appearance and you think it certainly paid off. When he turns back around, you give him an awkward smile, hoping he couldn’t tell you’d literally been staring at his physique only moments ago.

Eric raises his eyebrows at you but doesn’t say anything and hands you your drink.

“So aside from, uhhh, chatting,” you say, gesturing around, “what’s the plan?”

“We’re gonna make up for what we didn’t do last time we were at a party,” he explains. “We’re going to dance.”

Dance? You’re confused. Eric had told you he didn’t remember much of what he said that night. You yourself had almost forgotten he asked you to dance because compared to everything else that had happened, it was barely even notable. Eric then suddenly speaks up.

“I was kinda disappointed when you said 'no' that time. You can totally, like, say no again, but I wanted to make another chance. Is that weird?”

Oh my god. Is he flirting with you right now? You really can’t tell. And the idea of dancing seems even worse this time since it’s just him. It’s not like you’ll have a crowd of people to blend in with that likely would include some even worse dancers than you. But Eric can see the apprehension in your face.

“C’monnnnnn! It’ll be fun.”

He taps something on his phone and the volume of the music increases and the song switches to something more upbeat. Before you can protest, he makes his way to you and grabs onto your wrists, pulling you out of your chair to lead you to a more open area. Eric doesn’t let go, moving your arms to the beat with him. You laugh and let him but you still don’t do any moving of your own. When you still don’t join him, Eric gazes up at you and pouts, giving you the biggest, most pathetic puppy dog eyes you’ve ever seen in your life. “Please…?”, he whines, effortlessly making your resolve crumble.

“You know what? Ok, fine, whatever, you win,” you concede with a defeated smile. God only knows the things you would do for this man.

“Hell yeah!” he celebrates with a fist pump.

And so, you dance. You don’t really know what you’re doing. In fact, you’re trying not to even really think about it, and just focus on moving around to the beat of the music. Before you know it, you’re both laughing and messing around, Eric shrieking when you decide to chase him with a small throw pillow you grabbed from his couch.

“Die!”, you yell dramatically as you chuck the pillow at Eric who goes down with a long ‘nooooo!’ as he tries to dodge and fails. When he realizes that you’re out of ammo, an evil grin spreads on his face as he decides to turn the tables and begins chasing you instead. You giggle as Eric runs after you, almost tripping over your own feet. Eventually, you’re cornered and you can see the wheels turning in his head as he decides what sort of silly revenge he should take. But he doesn’t even get the chance to make a decision when a new song begins, slow and sensual, changing the atmosphere entirely.

Your breath falters and the look in Eric’s eyes has gone from mischievous to almost… vulnerable? You’re now very aware of the way he has you trapped in the corner of his living room, and he seems to be, too. And yet… neither of you attempt to move. Eric’s eyes are full of both hope and worry and he opens his mouth and in a tone that is more nervous than you have ever heard him speak in, he asks,

“Do you want to dance? For real this time?”

~~~

Unspilled tears line your eyes. You’re finally this close to what you want and now that it’s right in front of you, you’re panicking. Suddenly your emotions have overwhelmed you and you’re terrified. You aren’t even being rejected, it’s the exact opposite. Nothing Eric has done tonight has suggested anything other than that he wants you and yet you’re scared. Scared you’re reading it wrong, afraid that you’ve missed the signal that indicates that this is all just a big joke.

Eric has his arms around your waist and forehead against your neck as he slow dances with you. He can’t see the anxiety on your face and he doesn’t know you’re freaking out. You do everything in your power to keep your breaths steady and even, but you can’t and you watch in slow motion as Eric’s face falls when he looks up and witnesses your expression.

He immediately cups your face with one of his palms. “Hey, what’s wrong? Talk to me… please,” Eric pleads. You sniffle but can’t stop yourself from leaning into his touch.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper, blinking back your tears. Eric’s face is a mixture of concern and confusion.

“No,” he insists. “Don’t apologize, you did nothing wrong. I don’t know why you’re upset, but I promise, I’m not gonna get mad at you.”

“I’m just scared…” you choke out, “that none of this is real. That I’m misinterpreting everything. That… whatever it is you’re doing right now… doesn’t really mean anything to you and I missed the memo. I shouldn’t assume that I’m being tricked based on a few things that happened to me in the past but…” Tears are rolling down your face now and you’re barely holding together what little composure you have left. Eric wipes some of your tears away with his thumb and returns his hand towards your waist.

“Fuck,” he mutters, but there’s no anger in his tone. “I was trying to seduce you tonight, I never meant to bring up those feelings.” Your breath hitches and you’re so stunned you immediately stop crying. You stand there blinking at him, utterly bewildered. Eric chuckles awkwardly. “Why do you think I did my hair and dressed up tonight? I wanted to look good,” he smiles softly, “…for you.”

“Wh- why for me?” You stutter, unable to fully process the situation.

“Because I like you,” Eric replies, “Even if you’re a bit dense sometimes.”

Words fail you completely. The way he smiles at you, it’s like he has the stars in his eyes and you’re drowning in them, hoping you never have to surface. “You like me? Even though I’m…” You don’t have it in you to finish your sentence.

“I like you because you’re…” Eric says, imitating the way you left off the last few words. “I think you’re beautiful, you know,” he says running his hand through your hair. You want to trust him so badly but part of you still has a hard time believing it.

“So… you don’t care that I don’t look like a ‘girl’.”

“I don’t,” Eric confirms. “I think you’re attractive even when other people mistake you for a guy.”

You aren’t crying anymore, but you’re still overwhelmed and your breath shakes as you exhale. Before you even realize it, your hands are moving from Eric’s shoulders to wrap around the back of his neck, playing with the hair at his nape. You hear Eric sigh softly as he tilts his face up towards yours until your lips are mere inches apart. It’s as if you’re being pulled together by magnets the way you angle your face down ever so slightly towards his and he raises his heels off the ground to reach you. The feeling when Eric’s lips finally meet yours is euphoric. You don’t care that it’s awkward the way your noses or teeth sometimes clash because you have no idea what you’re doing right now. You’re just happy to finally be this close to him even though you’ve just made your lack of experience incredibly obvious.

Eric doesn’t seem to care too much either, the way his hands explore your face, back, and waist as if he’ll never be able to get enough of you. All it took was one taste and you know you’re already addicted to having his hands on your body and his lips against yours. Right as you’re thinking that you hope this will never end, Eric pulls away, leaving you feeling disoriented. “Fuck,” he gasps, gripping your waist. The two of you are panting, but with the way he stopped so abruptly, you feel like you’ve been deprived of oxygen, not afforded more of it.

You try to kiss Eric again but your heart sinks a bit when he stops you. “Wait,” he says breathlessly, “I want to take things slow with you. You deserve to have someone properly take their time with you and put you first. I don’t want you to feel pressured to do anything just because I’m a bit impatient.” Your cheeks feel hot.

“What if… you aren’t the only one who’s impatient?”, you suggest shyly. You feel Eric’s fingers dig into your sides and he moans slightly.

“Don’t- don’t tempt me like that,” he says shakily, clearly struggling to hold himself together. You’re struck with a sudden sense of boldness.

“I want you, Eric.” As soon as his name leaves your mouth, his lips are on yours again and then he’s spreading small kisses all over your face which quickly becomes wet, open mouthed kisses along your jaw and down your neck. You thread your fingers in his hair when he begins to drag his tongue up the skin of your throat. Eric moans against your skin when he hears you sighing his name.

His hands sneak under your shirt to caress the skin of your waist and the sensation of finally having his hands directly on you is so satisfying that you almost don’t start wondering if he can feel the obvious fuzz on your lower back underneath his finger tips. You choose to ignore that thought for now, instead focusing on the way Eric’s mouth is exploring every inch of skin he can access while you still have your shirt on. You’re self conscious still, but you undo the first few buttons of your shirt to let Eric roam further with his lips. He pulls you backwards into to his bedroom, lips never leaving your skin, until he falls back onto his bed, pulling you down with him. You let him roll you over onto your back so that now he’s on top and you’re underneath him.

“Fuck, I want to touch you,” Eric rasps, looking at you with sparkling eyes. You’re about to immediately say yes, then something stops you.

“I… have body hair…” you admit awkwardly. It’s a bit of an understatement, but you’re not sure what else to say. Saying, ‘I was called an animal by the other girls in the middle school locker room,’ would probably not help the mood.

“There’s nothing wrong with a little body hair,” Eric says reassuringly, but the gesture doesn’t help.

“That’s the problem,” you mumble. “It’s not just a little, it’s a lot.”

“Baby, it’s not gonna make me want you any less,” Eric says, leaning up to kiss your cheek. You sigh.

“Promise?”

“Promise. I still really wanna use my fingers on you or go down on you, if you’ll let me.” A shiver runs down your spine.

“Okay,” you acquiesce quietly. Eric runs his hands up and down your sides underneath your top and you allow him to unbutton it the rest of the way, letting it fall off your shoulders. He presses kisses over your sternum, smoothing his hands over your bra and trailing his lips along the path of hair running down your abdomen.

“You’re beautiful,” Eric whispers, his voice brimming with affection. He stops right above the waist of your pants and looks into your eyes, silently requesting to take them off. You nod shyly, and agonizingly slowly, he begins to unbutton them and pull down the zipper. As your pants are pulled down your legs, you become nervous again. You’re wearing underwear, of course, but they do little to hide the amount of hair you have.

“Can I touch you?”, Eric requests softly. You swallow your anxieties and say yes, trying to hide how worried you feel. You yelp in surprise as he pinches your outer thigh gently to get your attention. “Baby, I promise I want you,” he reassures, his calm eyes gazing into your apprehensive ones. “Give me your hand.” He rests his chin on your pubic bone and looks up at you. Eric may have a bit of a smirk on his face, but his eyes are full of sincerity. You allow him to reach up and lace his fingers with yours, giving your hand a small squeeze. “There you go, you’re so good for me,” he praises fondly, delicately trailing the fingers of his free hand over the damp patch that has formed in your underwear.

Eric presses a kiss over the fabric before he asks if he can take them off. Once you give him permission, he pulls them down your legs, tossing them aside, then instructs you to open your legs a bit and put them over his shoulders. You comply. This whole time, Eric still hasn’t let go of your hand. Your bottom half is completely bare now and one of the most handsome men you’ve ever seen, one you’re head over heels for, has his face between your thighs.

Your insecurity doesn’t even get the chance to fully resurface because with every kiss he presses to your inner thighs, Eric gives you a compliment. The closer he gets to your core, the more he reminds you how much he wants you, needs you, thinks you’re beautiful. Eventually, he reaches his destination and uses his fingers to spread your folds to get an unobstructed view. You don’t even realize how wet you are right now until you feel Eric’s fingers dip shallowly into your entrance and then rub your slick all over your clit. A small whimper slips out at the unexpected sensation. You didn’t realize how different it would feel to be touched by someone else for once.

You’re even more surprised when he attaches his mouth and begins to alternate between sucking and little flicks with the tip of his tongue. You gasp and grip his hand tighter, your other hand shooting down to grab at Eric’s hair. It’s not until he starts moaning that you realize he’s begun to grind his hips into the mattress as he eats you out. The sight alone is almost enough to make you cum. You can barely believe that not only do you have a gorgeous man burying his face in your pussy, but he’s getting off on it too. Eric suddenly moans extra loudly and the combination of hearing such a dirty sound come from his mouth and feeling his voice’s vibrations in your clit finally pushes you over the edge.

Choking out a high pitched moan, your body trembles and your hips spasm and you don’t think you’ve ever orgasmed harder than this in your life. You’re gasping and panting as you come down and you let your body go slack. “Oh my god,” you say with a bit of a laugh, your chest still heaving. Eric has a self-satisfied look on his face and normally you might find that annoying, but after the way he made you cum just now, you think it’s absolutely warranted.

He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and moves up the bed to cage you between his arms and give you a peck on the corner of your mouth. “Good?” Eric asks, still smirking a bit.

“I feel kinda like I’m floating,” you sigh with a blissful smile.

“Do you wanna keep going or are you done for the night?”, Eric inquires.

“I can keep going,” you insist, “just let me catch my breath first. Besides, it would feel awfully unfair if you got to see me naked tonight but I only got to see you fully dressed.”

“You’re still wearing a bra,” Eric points out cheekily. You roll your eyes good-naturedly.

“That’s not the point.”

“I know, I know, I’m messing with you,” he jokes, rolling off of you to sit up next to your reclining figure. “But I still would like to see you with your bra off,” Eric says cheekily.

“I suppose that could be arranged,” you say with a sly smile as you sit up. Reaching behind your back, you unhook it and let the garment slide down your shoulders. Eric looks intently at your breasts as you toss your bra on the floor.

“You’re so fucking hot,” he mutters under his breath, continuing to stare. Based on his facial expression you don’t think he’s even aware that he said anything. Eric reaches out a hand and stops only inches away from your chest before he asks, “can I?”

“As much as you like, Eric,” you confirm, obsessed with the way his mind seems to be almost crumbling just from looking at your tits. He finally closes the distance with his hand, grabbing and gently massaging the flesh and his mouth finds your nipple on the other side, running his flattened tongue over it then taking it into his mouth, beginning to suck.

Originally, you just agreed to let him do this for his own enjoyment. You didn’t expect to get so much more out of someone else touching your breasts than you did when it was just yourself. You’re unable to hold back a pleasured sigh due to how enthusiastic Eric is with his mouth and hands. He pulls his lips off of you with a slight ‘pop’ and before you can even register what’s happening, he’s biting down on the inside of your breast causing you to yelp in surprise.

Immediately, Eric apologizes, but there’s little remorse in his voice as he proudly watches the red mark bloom on your skin. He dives back in to kiss and lick the newly formed bruise. He goes up to kiss your mouth and he’s grinning widely, incredibly pleased with himself.

“Happy with your results?”, you ask, quirking an eyebrow.

“Extremely,” Eric says chuckling. You flick his forehead lightly.

“There’s something you need to fix, though,” you tell him.

“Fix?”

“Yeah. This whole situation still feels awfully unfair,” you complain jokingly. You almost can see the gears turning in his head and then a lightbulb turning on.

“Oh you mean this?” Eric raises his eyebrows with a smirk then gets off the bed to stand in front of it so you can watch him as he takes his shirt off.

“What a smart boy,” you praise sarcastically, watching him hungrily as he begins to remove his pants too. But when he’s finally down to just his underwear, your jaw drops a little bit. You hadn’t paid attention earlier but now that you’re looking, it’s impossible to deny that Eric is big. And this is only from what you can see while he’s still got a layer on. His smile is wolfish as he notices you staring.

“Got anything to say?”, Eric teases, crawling back on top of you and dragging his teeth down your neck with a chuckle. You just moan in response as he sucks another harsh mark onto your skin, this one directly at the base of your neck.

“No fair,” you whine, squirming underneath him. He bites you a couple more times, then you grab his chin. “Can’t I have a turn?” Eric simply hums in agreement then rolls onto his back and pulls you on top of him so that you’re straddling his hips. When you put your weight down, you can feel how hard he is within his underwear and you briefly wonder what it will be like once he’s inside you. Having him underneath you lights an unexpected fire in your belly and you’re suddenly consumed by the need to own him, have him as yours.

Which is exactly what you plan to do… as soon as you confirm one thing. “Eric,” you murmur, pecking him softly on the lips, “this isn’t just sex, right?” Eric smiles fondly at you.

“God, no. I want to be with you. Unless… that’s not what you want?” He looks at you hopefully.

“I want the same thing,” you agree and with a sudden rush of boldness, you lean down and mumble against his neck, “I needed to be sure that you were mine.” When you hear a shuddering breath escape Eric and feel his dick twitch in response, you know that you’ve had quite an effect on him. You roughly drag your front teeth down the side of his throat, pondering how to go about marking him. “Can I put marks where people can see? You’ll let me claim you, yeah?”, you beg softly, placing gentle kisses along his collarbone.

“Fuck… I didn’t realize you’d have a possessive streak,” Eric groans. “That’s really sexy.” He suddenly lets out a gasp of pain when you bite down. You move your lips to his jawline, right beneath his ear and pull a bit of skin between your teeth and start sucking hard. When you pull away and see the mark darkening on his skin, you feel yourself swell a little with pride at your success. You repeat this along his jaw and down his neck until Eric has a noticeable path of bruises reaching his shoulder.

With your full weight, you settle your hips back down on his, rubbing yourself along his clothed cock and relishing the way you can feel your arousal soaking through his underwear. Eric moans loudly but then grabs your hips to still your movements and sits up against the headboard. He emits a whine as you reposition yourself in his lap and run your hands over his chest.

“Can I fuck you now?” Eric’s eyes are desperate and ravenous. Nobody has ever looked at you like that before and it makes your insides burn with desire.

“…Yeah,” you choke out. You get off of him so he can finally uncover himself completely and you don’t expect your breath to hitch the way it does when erection springs free from its confines. “Holy shit,” you mumble, staring. How does it seem even larger up close? Is it even going to fit?

Without even really thinking about it, your hand reaches out hesitantly to touch him and you gasp in surprise when Eric takes your wrist and guides you the rest of the way. Experimentally, you pump him a few times before letting go to return to your original position in his lap.

It’s finally about to happen and you suddenly feel shy again, causing you to bite your lower lip and look into his eyes for reassurance. “We don’t have to go through with this if you aren’t comfortable,” Eric reminds you, but you shake your head.

“Please,” you beg.

“Anything for you,” Eric says, placing a quick kiss to your lips and then positions his cock right at your entrance as you kneel, hips hovering above his. You slowly sink down on him, barely enveloping him past the tip. It hurts more than you expected, but it almost feels good too, and you can’t help but let out a string of curses and broken moans as you try to adjust to the unfamiliar sensation. Pushing past the burn, you lower yourself down more, Eric praising you, running his hands soothingly over your thighs.

You’re panting as you dig your fingernails into his shoulders and if you didn’t pause to look at his face, you would have missed the way Eric is gazing at you as if you hold the whole universe in your hands. Neither of you has said those words yet, but right now, you can’t deny that you feel deeply and utterly loved. Loved by this person who chose to see you instead of just looking at you. You don’t want to say anything for fear of ruining this moment by taking things too fast, so you cup his cheek with one palm and hope that the gesture is enough for him to understand your heart. And when Eric flutters his eyes closed and leans into your touch, you get the feeling that he does.

It takes one more final push before you can feel him bottoming out inside you. You let your head fall back as you gasp for breath. “Please move,” you whimper. “I don’t think I can do it myself.” Eric pulls you towards him to press your torso against his, which lifts your hips slightly in the process. He uses the new angle to slowly pull himself out a bit then plants his feet to thrust back in from underneath you causing you to yelp and whimper. His movements are slow but strong, and the friction you feel inside makes your legs tremble. And much to your satisfaction, Eric isn’t remotely hesitant to be vocal, his extended moans, deep breathing, and occasional whines turning you on more than you’d like to admit. You feel like your whole body is burning from the inside out and you’re crying out his name like it’s the only word you know.

Gradually, Eric increases his pace and pretty soon, both of you have become an absolute mess — sweaty and covered in new bite marks, moaning each other’s names during the occasional moments when you aren’t kissing feverishly. You’re sure that at this point, you’re disturbing the neighbors, but you can’t bring yourself to care, not with the way you’re intoxicated from all of your senses being flooded with nothing but him. Eric is still fucking you hard, doing all the work from underneath and you wonder how he has the stamina to keep going like this. Deep inside, you can feel a familiar pressure building up again. Your orgasm begins to approach and from the way his thrusts become frantic and start to lose their rhythm, you know Eric is getting close too.

“Please, please, please…” you chant breathlessly as your walls begin to clench and spasm around him.

“Cum for me, please,” Eric begs you in return and then starts rambling fervently. “Just let go, please, you’re so good for me, please… I love you…”

And then you cum. Your orgasm crashes over you more intensely than you’ve ever experienced before and as you cry out and tremble in his arms, Eric’s words play over and over in your head. I love you. I love you. I love you. You don’t have the mental space right now to wonder if he even meant it or if it was something he just said in the spur of the moment. To you it felt real.

With a low groan, you feel Eric spill inside you, his hips stuttering until they still as he rides out his own orgasm. When you feel a hot tear drip down your face, you finally realize that you’re crying. You aren’t sure why at first — you aren’t upset, you aren’t in pain, everything seems to be fine. But when you look at Eric and he sees your glassy eyes and he starts to apologize, asking if he used the word ‘love’ too soon, suddenly it makes sense. You’re just emotionally sensitive right now and with a sniffle and your arms wrapped around his neck, you whisper, “I love you too.”

Eric kisses away your tears and smooths over your hair with his hand. His length slips out of you and you can feel sticky cum drip down your inner thighs as he flips you over and gently lays you on your back. He wastes no time in cleaning you up and soon enough he’s pulling a blanket over you and crawling into bed next to your still panting figure. Eric wraps you in his arms, pressing a sweet peck to your cheek. “Let’s just get to sleep, yeah?” He says and you allow yourself to doze off, safe and warm within his embrace.

~~~

When Monday rolls around, you don’t know how to feel about going to school with a few too many hickies to realistically cover up. You’re proud of who you got them from, but at the same time, you’re a bit mortified. People have been giving you weird glances since you arrived this morning and you know it’s because your neck is covered in bite marks and bruises. As you walk into the classroom, you see one or two people whispering and while you doubt they’re saying anything mean, it’s still embarrassing knowing that they can’t help but to mention to their friends how obvious it is.

Not long after you sit down, you hear a familiar voice cheerfully announce “Hey, babe!” You turn to smile at Eric who’s making his way towards you, giving you a quick kiss on the lips before he settles in the chair next to you. Both the simultaneous feelings of pride and humiliation return when it occurs to you that his neck looks just as bad as yours and now everyone can tell that you got those marks from each other. Regardless, you can’t suppress the smile that surfaces at the sight of your new boyfriend sitting next to you.

When class ends and you’ve both packed up your belongings, Eric grabs your hand and walks with you out of the room, swinging your intertwined hands as you go. You giggle at his affectionate gesture. “Any plans for the day?”, Eric asks as you walk leisurely through one of the campus’ green spaces.

“Hm,” you consider. “Not really. I was just considering grabbing some snacks and sneaking them into the library so I can eat while I study. Wanna come with?” Eric nods and soon enough you find yourself sharing a sofa in a more secluded study area, discretely feeding each other chocolate covered pretzels and trying not to laugh too hard at stupid videos you’re watching on his phone, the original plan to study completely forgotten.

You’re so content right now that nothing could spoil this moment for you. Not even when Gina (who usually makes your blood boil) accidentally happens upon the scene while Eric is pressing a long kiss to your neck, not even aware she’s there. You smile a little and wave and you can tell she’s noticed the marks decorating both your and Eric’s necks when she subconsciously touches her own, facial expression brimming with disgust. As you let out a brief chuckle, Eric detaches his lips from your skin and looks at you questioningly. He raises his eyebrows but you just shake your head. “Nothing important,” you say and run your hand through his hair. Eric shrugs.

“Okay.” Then he leans his head against your shoulder as you both absentmindedly fidget with each other’s hands, just enjoying the peaceful moment together.

“Eric?”, you ask, getting his attention.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

That’s all you say. You give no context, no explanation, but that’s okay because when you look into his eyes, you see that he knows exactly what you mean.

——end——

Holy shit I’ve never written something so long before or even thought about writing something this long. I think I might be insane. But that’s okay. It resulted in this fic and I’m happy with it.

#tbz smut #tbz eric smut #eric sohn #the boyz smut

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bluesworldd · 1 year ago

Text

𐀶 ՙ 🎸 · FOREVER SOULMATE

↳ pairing: hobie brown x reader

↳ cw/tw: mild death, mild cursing, intentional lowercase letters, and barely proofread.

↳ genre: angst.

↳ synopsis: hobie has a chat with his forever soulmate

↳ blue says: enjoy (ʃƪ ˘ ³˘)

spoilers ahead !

┄┄ ︰ ┄୨୧┄ ︰ ┄┄

the night sky began to rise as the bright burning star lowered. hobie was finally free to visit you again, although he was here previously he had to leave. but now you have his undivided attention unlike last time.

sighing he took his seat next to you. hobie knew this was bad for him but he couldn’t help himself. he knew that you would be pissed if you were to find out about his constant visits. although could you blame him? you knew how clingy hobie was, it would be impossible for him to go all day without visiting you.

“dont be upset yeah? i know i said once every other month but i couldn’t help myself, i’ve missed you so much” he was met with silence, its been months since you talked to him but thats ok. hobie understood how quiet you could be. “but ive been busy recently..” he trailed on “would u believe me if i said there were more spider-people like me?” silence again “i was left speechless too dont worry” awful joke he knows but you always loved his corny dark jokes.

“anyways they call it a spider society…whatever the fuck that means” he chuckles “i dont know how to feel about it yet but i know for sure that i dont like the ‘leader’ of the place. the fucker thinks he can be some ass because he lost someone he loved…as if most of us haven’t” he could feel a lump in his throat form. you couldn’t imagine how he felt when he learned about canon events..what complete bullshit. sighing he tried to regain his self. you hated when he cried.

“but let me not get too distracted, to sum it all up i met this girl she had some fall out with her pops so i let her crash at our place..” he trailed on “are you jealous [name]?” he knew you wouldn’t but even if you did it wouldn’t matter, you had his heart. how selfish of you but honestly he didn’t mind. “im sure you would like her she seems like a good kid” there was a long silence after that, it always is these days. hobie could feel his cheeks become wet, maybe it was beginning to pour. a terrible excuse he knows..but he missed you so much.

“i should um get going…until next time [name]” silence again. hobie hated silence.

┄┄ ︰ ┄୨୧┄ ︰ ┄┄

#˗ˏˋblue is writing´ˎ˗#astv x reader #spiderman astv #hobie brown #hobie brown x reader #astv hobie #hobie x you #hobie x reader #hobie my beloved #astv x you

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ctommyinnitask · 2 months ago

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Dear Tommy,

This is Tubbo again.

Ranboo’s quiet, but nice. I can see why you like him. I hope you two are having fun hanging out. Ghostbur has been peacefully hanging out in L’Manburg on and off, and he keeps giving everyone blue. I hope you’ve received some, as well.

I shouldn’t be writing th

Dream visits, sometimes, too. He tells me you’re doing good. Which is good. I’m glad. That you’re good.

Sorry. I don’t know. It’s late. L’Manburg is doing well, I think. Fundy and Big Q had an argument over their houses, and since I didn’t hear back from you via another letter, I’m presuming Ranboo’s memory issues are getting the best of them. So, I don’t think it really matters what I write here.

I’ve been swamped with everything. Every time I finish paperwork or building permits or new laws Dream shows up and suddenly I have to renegotiate trade agreements and now Big Q wants to hunt down Technoblade and I don’t want to tell him how scared that makes me; because it shouldn’t scare me. I’m 16. I’m practically an adult, I’m president, I don’t have time to have nightmares about fireworks or jump at small noises or fumble with my hearing aid because I need to get work done. So I haven’t been sleeping. Instead, I work, and then I think of you, and then instead of drafting up an amendment for the armour rule like Big Q said I should I’m writing a letter to someone who never needed me and that I’m probably just bothering

I hope you’re well, Tommy! I’m doing well, and Ranboo’s doing well, with his stupid eyes and little giggle and poetry and stuff. Everything is fine.

we love you!

—Tubbo

tubso,

i did get your letter, i didn’t know you wanted a reply. in fact, i dont know why you’ve written me. you exiled me, man. why would you care about me if you didn’t want me around?

ghostburs not been around recently, but his dumb sheep is here so i think he’s coming back. and tell big q that if he finds techno, i want to know, i want to see tech. i miss him.

dreams truthful, i think im okay. i wake up in the ocean every day, not sure why, but its getting colder out. someone nice gave me hot cocoa and a jumper earlier so im toasty right now :) and you seem to like ranboo a lot. is he your best friend? i hope you two are happy.

you don’t deserve to have so much stuff pilled on you, and i am so, so sorry to have caused it. if i kept my mouth shut and didn’t give you presidency, and if i had taken the blame for something i didn’t do (the community house) then neither of us would be here.

i love you, big man, even if you’re a right dick.

from,

your tommy

#dsmp rp blog #dsmp #ctommyask #ctommyinnit ask #ctommyinnit rp #dsmp ask blog #ctommy #exiletommyinnit

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rarepairnation · 11 months ago

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LOLL i was gonna start like ‘hey there im denethor anon’ but u beat me to it. SIMILAR MINDS. Haha i read one of ur fics, was immediately smitten & was like i MUST follow them. (I’m glad i did, love the vibe of ur blog and the Flavour of ur opinions.. TASTY) so im a more recent follower but i’m gathering younger you weren’t a fan of denethor, huh? Can’t say i blame you. PJ certainly made some Decisions. he was like how do i convert a complex character into The most loathsome creature ever. He really did our fav gondorians sooo dirty. I literally watch through those scenes SEETHING in rage.

So I’ve been Thinking about denethor and faramir and nothing else for two days. like i am a denethor girlie. in my mind. spiritually. haven’t posted much abt him on tumblr. but nowww. you’re exactly right, ‘denethor Is a good leader…[insert ur paragraph here]’ yes yes yes you get it. listen denethor was a prideful, angry, resentful man but he was also valiant, resilient and noble. He guarded his city, alone (which takes GUTS, again, he was a badass!!), so well, for literal YEARS that Sauron was fearful/wary of him. i wish people were more understanding of him. he’s such an interesting character there’s so much to explore there. as you said the duty-vs-love, the weapon-first-person-next of it all. the layers. denethor as a weapon. denethor as a symbol of both sword/shield. AAHHH

BUT i think some people dismiss him hate him bc he is the mirror (the ugly side? if that makes sense) of humanity, of us. we ought to show him some compassion tho ‘cause havent u ever been taken under the darkness of life? felt the world slipping away & struggle to keep up w it? dont u ever feel hopeless? that things will never change, no matter what u do? DO YOU HAVE FEARS HAVE YOU FACED THE MONSTERS? WERE YOU ALONE, SCARED AND HOPELESS? AND HAVENT YOU MADE MISTAKES IN YOUR GRIEF AND PUSHED PEOPLE AWAY?? THAT’S what denethor experienced. He was described as a leader & a learned one at that for christ sake. He knew that evil was awaiting him and his kin and his people! he saw his future. yet. yet he soldiered on until. war declared. his sons killed (or so he believed). that’s when hope abandoned him. what was the point of staying alive now anyway? Evil was upon them, they would surely be tortured w a fate worse than death, so why should he not end the pain and kill himself? he fought the war against Time, Evil and The Dark Enemy himself and WON. he was a brave man indeed, to have fought these dark forces so much stronger than him. but he finally lost the war against Despair (and Grief), the cruelest of them all. imma cry 😭😭😭 no no no u don’t understand he didnt give up hope, hope abandoned him he- [GUNSHOT] (i don’t know how much of this even made sense lmao) anyway,

Faramir <333. do i even have to say anything about faramir? he’s the specialest little guy i love himm 🥰. On god i am one step away from rereading lotr just for him (plsss dont tempt me finals are in less than a fortnight) his and denethor’s relationship like u described my godddd XDD. fucked up familial relationships MY BELOVED. i am feral about this trope. the resentment… the jealousy… the mirror image of each other… the you’re-the-same-like-me-and-i-hate-that… mmmhm. hey do u ever think about 12 year old faramir admiring his father much the same way he did boromir and wishing he would grow up to be just like him? and do you ever think about 28 year old faramir knowing that he’s more like his father than anyone else and hating that? hating him? i do.

I’ll stop now lol im afraid my coherency has diminished by now. also sorry sorry for replying so late i am preparing for my exams. but rest assured i WILL be Rotating faramir around in my brain :3

hiiii denethor anon LOL this is the greatest ask ive ever received. every day i endeavour to provide only THE juiciest of opinions. aka this is my diary and you all are subjected to it. anyway im so glad you liked my fic i would love to know which one you read! i got into lotr via the films when i was super young so my past opinions were def coloured by The Choices. i have learned and grown since then<3 i was watching the book-to-film analysis vids on the extended edition dvds a couple weeks back and it made me so mad that i had to get up and turn off the tv. did you know there are other character options besides 'paragon of virtue' and 'one dimensional villain'...truly kind of a "nice dichotomy idiot! now what lies outside of it" situation. A Waste Of Your John Noble, To Be Honest. idk i still hold the films very close to my heart but the choices...i will simply respectfully disagree. and dont even get me started on faramir we WILL be here all night. another time. i have denethor thorongil situationship-fic to write. (i am serious about that) (i was simultaneously playing it 100% straight serious AND kind of joking about them. i shouldve known better. well.........we are so in it.)

you are so real for this. i have ALSO been Thinking about denethor and faramir and nothing else for days. weeks, even. sorry to everyone coming to the faramir goes to rivendell au for faramir and the fellowship the first 10k is literally just Keeping Up With The Stewards. we'll get there. i Will blame you for the impetus for my recent denethorposting on main but also encourage you to also do this. do whatever you want forever<3 nooo but straight up...guy who has so much strength and will that The Lord Of All Evil wouldnt contend directly against him and had to bring out the big palantir guns to bring him down. and if he'd not lost both of his sons i mean...who knows what would've happened. sometimes your sons ARE the only thing keeping you from killing yourself Do It For Them-style and lets be real that is a valid coping method. (i don't have an answer for that one and boy oh boy do i wish i did. it is going to become a massive thorn in my side in, oh, 70k or so when i hit rotk. well...i will blow up that bridge when i get to it.)

im actually putting a read more in this time bc this post broke a thousand words. continue at your own risk. there IS also faramirposting at the end here i promise.

just imagining denethor leading the siege of minas tirith. um. now stay with me here...riding out with imrahil's sortie. STAY WITH ME HERE. what do you think the livery of a steward going to war looks like. jesus christ i need to go lay down. yes i purposefully placed the read more before i decided to go momentarily horny on main. its also lowkey very vague au spoilers. sorry everyone but denethor IS canonically hot and we need to acknowledge it. Anyway.

denethor as a weapon denethor as both a sword and a shield...i am chewing glass for real. you GET IT. god i love person-as-weapon metaphor soooo much. When The Iconography Is Getting A Little Too Real. denethor as gondor, as her vanguard and standard-bearer and. i am straight up frothing at the mouth. all he ever wanted was to be a gentle lord in a time of peace.....and death was his reward...Sorry For Stealing The Fingon Death Quotation But I'm Right. so much of his behaviour and the strain on his relationships with his sons and all that is sooo...informed by the fact that to cope with having to be lord of a country at war he had to be so so unbending. he couldn't allow himself to waver, ever, not even for love, not even to save his sons.

did you know he was 21 when sauron returned. pov you are 21 years young and you have been alone all your life you are the steward's only son you are his strange numenorean heir and no one else has the LITERAL PSYCHIC POWERS AND VISIONS that you do and you have had to contend with that, alone. master your own mind, alone. learn how the shape of politics and lordship and life bends around you. and the dark lord the enemy who brought down your forebears has now set his eye on your lands again. Jesus Christ. How Would You Fucking Deal. sorry i would have a nervous breakdown and go and live in the desert. Man. TWENTY ONE? LIKE ME? most days i feel like a teletubby with a job and a credit card. if you scale it to account for numenorean lifespan inflation i mean i don't know how the math works but like. i bet it comes out to being like. 17. HELLO? basically everyone i know was barely a person at 17. the dark lord of all evil and he's MY problem to deal with?

i mean exactly. haven't we all been prideful and angry and resentful. haven't we all been there. once again [pippin voice] let's all understand poor denethor a little better. havent you ever been taken under the darkness of life [your paragraph here] yeah exactly what you said. the idea that he fucking won the war against the darkness and only lost to despair is..........so much! goodbye i have to go cry!

faramir, me AND fate's most special precious little guy....oh captain my captain....exactly. Exactly. i cant morally endorse a reread right this second but like. After. make it through finals and then it is Faramir Time. (and good luck! you got this!) tactical smartass little bitch master of both man and beast wizard's pupil (complimentary) star and hope and jewel of minas tirith knight in shining armour...my beloved. the idea that like faramir as presented, as the diplomat, as the scholar, as the numenorean, was supposed to be the one to go to rivendell...it haunts me. where is denethor sends the right son to do the right job.txt. he is gondor's no. 1 horse girl he is better suited to the wild than the battlefield he has read every sindarin text in the library he KNOWS the story of elrond and elros. he is literally telepathic and psychic and prophetic. thinking about him interacting with elrond and galadriel (and every other elf. but them in particular) makes me feel deranged. its very...self taught dnd wizard meets guy who went to wizard school energy. he's insane.

YEAH ITS CRAZY THAT THEYRE THE SAME GUY. it's. boromir gets to be boromir but faramir has to be denethor.txt. gracious and lordly as a king of old...now who is consistently referred to as noble and kingly...that a younger faramir would've looked up to...yeah. the perpetuation of denethor's second-best complex. i have a whole nother post in the drafts about that i CANT get into it here but jesus christ men who are NOT breaking the cycle. they even look the same. i mean 37 year old faramir as steward is 100% the spitting image of his father and that makes me....genuinely fucking insane actually. i mean like older councillors are doing double takes every time he walks by. i mean like sometimes people call him by the wrong fucking name. WOW where did that come from. the complex that that would give him...hello? turning this over inside my brain at WARP speed.

you are not late at all lol we are leaving little letters in each other's mailboxes to read when we have the time. i hope your exams go well!!! there will be more Faramir And Denethor Hours soon<33

#from the inbox #Anonymous #denethor anon #Another 1000+ Word Denethor Post From Yours Truly (both of us). Sorry To The Dash.#by the way the idea of ONE GUY bearing both sides of the sword/shield dichotomy made me feel like i was gonna black out in the coffee shop #that was crazy shit LOL #btw if u want me to talk about the denethor thorongil situationship I Fucking Will. idk if u were here before my faramir february url chang #but what has happened to me with them is soooooo typical abby rarepairnation behaviour. Hey Wouldn't That Be Funny. now hold on a second.#long post #denethorposting

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rockanroller · 1 year ago

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The WGA strike didn’t affect Hazbin period because none of the ‘writers’ on that show are part of the union. They also aren’t real writers. Not to mention A24 was explicitly not affected by the strike because the studio is already good to its workers and therefore exempt. The strike only affected major Hollywood studios and networks like Fox, CBS, Disney, Warner Bros., etc. Viv trying to claim that the strike had any impact on Hazbin is absolute BS.

look anon, all i wanted to do was put together a post of the cold facts we know and speculate to my best knowledge with a timeline. all i found was that the timeline fits but that it is a little suspiciously snug and could still be coincidental and i acknowledged that.

even if it did turn out the strikes were the cause of the delay, it won’t be the end of the world. it doesn’t mean viv is a saint and it doesn’t mean she couldn’t have caused problems during the production. EDIT: and we now know Viv said in a recent interview that the delay was due to them trying to find a distributer (streaming platform), and working out their arrangements with Prime. Masterpost has been updated with this information.

i don’t doubt a24 is a good studio, but being a good studio doesn’t mean you get a get outta jail free card by the union, you gotta agree to terms. and as i pointed out in the post i only was able to find sources on sag-aftra giving a24 a pass, not bc they’re a good studio, but bc they aren’t affiliated with amptp that sag-aftra was striking against and therefore were allowed to continue using their actors. i didn’t find enough to make a clear call on the relationship between the wga and a24.

i want to reassure you i am not trying to defend viv. i can acknowledge some things about her work but i dont have a high opinion of her and i highly suspect she caused problems somewhere on the production whether or not it was this year specifically.

i'm still looking for proof viv claimed the strikes were causing a delay bc some ppl have said she did, and i found proof where viv said even tho she could only speak for helluva that she felt it was "safe to say" the actor's strike would affect hazbin hotel. i do still think it's possible the strikes could've caused minor delays in addition to the specific delay viv noted in the interview. i just wanted to put all the specific facts out there and a timeline into a post for easy understanding of what we know for sure while providing some speculative insights in both directions.

if you have specific receipts for your claims i’d love to see them so i can include them in the post. especially if you have a receipt for viv claiming the strikes were to blame bc i’ve yet to see receipts for it. i don’t doubt it. just wanna know for sure.

i hear that you’re mad about this whole matter, i am too, but feelings aren’t facts.

#vivziepop critical #anon ask #wga strike #sag aftra strike

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goldenfharry · 2 years ago

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i dont think O said anything to these tabloids about this situation because she just doesnt need to lol. her name was brought into it in the very first article about it, fans were immediately bringing up pics of her and E together and saying they are friends, fans immediately brought up the timing of him following E and the h*livia bua. Harry was going to come out of the situation looking bad to a lot of people regardless. i think fans need to just take accountability for the fact that they are the cause of these tabloids writing what they write a lot of times. //

Kinda agree with this . Whoever published the first article that is either h or Emily's team ( i think it's her team ) bought Olivia's name into this unnecessary even the title was written ' look away Olivia ' along with her and jaison's recent hanging out picture also mentioning ' it's only been 4 months after his breakup with o ' what was the necessary of all that . they made sure it was a drunk kiss in the same article . They know that o will grab anything that can give her attention so of course she milked out from whatever she got and as always she's playing the victim . Also fans were blaming e for being friends with o then doing this to her and also shaming e for going after every man . I have seen some comments mentioning that e is passed around in Hollywood and now it's harry turn ( disgusting it was not just fans gp as well ). In o's new article her sources say that they (h&o) were on talking terms and were working on things and then concluded with her commenting ' she has to take care of her kids and she's working so she doesn't care blah blah' which doesn't make sense . It's time for her to understand that she can't play both girl boss and victim at the same time . And for Emily ... well she is also an attention seeker and clout chaser like Olivia but some of his fans are not better either they make up stories that fit their fantasy or for their 15 minutes fame and followers and then proceed to call out others .

I’ve said my peace of mind about this so yeah

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acourtofquestions · 6 months ago

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Tonight’s read is EoS Chapter 54:

Thoughts below the spoiler bar of safety for the chapter :-)

*thoughts to be updated shortly* — Current heading into the chapter thoughts are in the initial tags ;-) — P.S. from chapter 53 ending; what is Fenrys asking Rowan to do? — Am I supposed to know? — He asked to be “killed before that order is given” and I’m not sure if “that” order is… is it to execute Lorcan? Or kidnap Aelin for a “long” Maeve style punishment, Or a worse “what if” fear of Maeve being unhinged enough to fear Aelin with Rowan & Lorcan so much that she would just kill her without question? Or is this referencing some personal history like his brother “the anchor” & Maeve using something against him… or something else entirely??? And ALSO either way it’s sad and I don’t want that, so I’m even MORE concerned!!!

— The way Manon just so casually calls Rowan the Queen’s mate because it’s obvious to EVERYONE

— Very intrigued by the forms Lysandra chooses to take; like the current Viper (symbolism, but backwards (more like Rep Taylor, than actual “snake”) so I’m HERE. FOR. IT. flip the script queens) but more so because it’s interesting to pick a form that not only blends in/preps for the monsters around them but also scares everyone (including their “team” members like Fenrys or Manon who she doesn’t yet trust) it acts as a protective mechanism both ways.

— CONCERNED/how interesting that they ARE walking in the swamps that Elide & Lorcan avoided at ALL cost… perhaps due to sheer boiling power & a larger group?.. idk. but I don’t trust it😅… this is becoming the theme for EoS lol😅 “I don’t trust it! BUT ITS FINE—IT BETTER BE FINE😅😅”

— "Because she died. And even before she did, this world saw to it that she suffered, and was afraid, and alone. And even though no one will remember who she was, I do. I will never forget the color of her eyes, or the way she smiled. And I will never forgive them for taking it away." — don’t mind me just gonna go cry (and make annotations here since my book apps aren’t working and I’m too impatient for Libby to keep waiting to read this one)

— okay what do they mean by “lock” …this whole time I’ve been thinking “lock” like a door, cause (wyrd)KEYS… but now without having anything they are saying they reached “the lock” so is this like a kind of island, or water system, or what???

— "Perhaps she'd try to be better about it, if this dread was at all like what they felt." — UH YEAH THEY DO, thank you for finally having some preservation to scare me a little less😂

— okay, so, like the Lysandra post I made recently about her guarding Aelin’s back just got more interesting with that now as Manon’s job

— "She could almost feel him sliding into that frozen, raging place-- where born instinct and centuries of training had him seeing the world as a killing field, and willing to do anything to eradicate any threats to her. Not just his Fae nature--but Rowan's nature. To protect, to shield, to fight for what and who he loved." — ugh I love him and them and the Rowan’s nature part🥹🥹🥹 TOO MUCH LOVE I JUST🥹

— "Even in the marshes, it was easy to become drunk on him, on the taste and smell and sound and feel of him." — once again Kanej vibes with the “if he could bottle the sound and get drunk off her laughter every night” quote🥹😭once again HE SMELLS LIKE HOME TERRASEN

— Them training sword names I LOVE THEM

— "Blame my ancestor." She certainly did. For many, many things." — first off glad we’re finally talking about that, secondly not ancestorS and it’s singular *coughs Elena* (unless it’s a hint at her and Manon but I doubt it😂)

— JUST SAY THAT YOUR MATES ALREADY AND MAKE THE TIME AND DONT DO IT ON DEATHS DOOR PLEASE

— thinking the word “coward” is what hit her heart😭

— Manon did listen though…

— “throw a rock?”😂 (okay Indiana Aelin)

— "As if they’d done a hundred times before" — once again guarding back, are they related, players in the game, I love them… come on it’ll all be fine with these two goddesses

— please don’t kill Lorcan but Lorcan don’t you dare hurt Aelin or steal the ding dang keys but hey Elide come meet the fam

— your telling me it’s bad enough Lorcan is warning them to get out not even revenge but that even for his endearing “bitch queen”😂

— I can’t tell if Manon was hopeful or terrified at the idea of the Iron-teeth coming😭🖤

— crap the ilken know the Wyrdkey too now and so does Lorcan so they’ll both be fighting with too much info UGH (why can’t they all just kiss, open a treasure chest, go to a fancy suite, and be left alone for a dang second to be happy or not about to die with the weight of everything on a couple of teenage immortals) p.s. AUTOCORRECT ITS NOT SILKEN ITS ILKEN🤦‍♀️

— "and she knew he'd been taking in the horizon and surrounding lands not for any chance of winning the battle that was sure to come, but for any shot at getting her out. — MY HEART

— Even if the rest of them had to buy her time with their own lives." — Ummm no (don’t you dare get dumb on me Gavriel…. Wait shit if they see Lorcan are they gonna have to fight him not run…?!?)

— “five hundred” — holy shit we are way in over our heads… how are there even that many… oh goodness… time to go get sleep deprived😂 please tell me ur bad at guestimstes?

P.S. old exclamation THE AMULET IS THE WITCH TRIAD THING!!!

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penguin--person · 1 year ago

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hey. hey you. I’m way too nervous to leave an actual comment on it but the rain world fic you posted recently. Fucking slaps. It’s so good. Idk how to put it into words but it’s like you make the characters so clear and and…idk but I think your fic is so cool and good. AND I DONT EVEN RAIN WORLD IS SUPPOSED TO BE. I came in through PAFL but I’ve been curious about rw for a while now, and this has made me want to check it out even more. Also, take your time on the swap au!! Stay healthy(physically AND mentally. They both matter) and don’t burn yourself out! Always remember that you are priority #1, and that your needs should always come first. Alright that’s it bye :D

AWAWA!!!! wawawwaaa!!!! explodes and diessssss ..n"!!! thanke you!!! thank you:3!!!!! your kind words are always so!!! nice and cool!!! and a pleasure to receive!!! <3333 rain world my good friend rain world... its a game for sure!!! ive been engaging less w the fandom lately, but, i still rlly like the game:3 ive been into it for. checks steam achivements. like two years now (i got into pafl not long after i think) !! rain world has these thangs tho - slugcats! :) the link leads to my rw pafl au... i have. SO Many pafl aus. you dont even Know. i havent even posted half of them. you dont know about my wandersong pafl au. you dont know about my buddy sim pafl crossover. you dont know about my pathologic pafl au (yet) (>:3). and thats because i never draw anything for them ❤️might write smth tho... ..

mm . youre rlly cool. thank you again!!! for your support!!! as a thank you, heres what ive got so far for the next chapter of swap! its not much, and mostly just first draft, but! just for you ❤️the '*' signal words/sentences im gonna italise

It’s another day. Just like always.

Half-asleep, Yura glances at the door, halfway through his breakfast. His mother’s standing there. She’s already fully dressed, while her son is still in last night’s clothes. He hasn’t had much energy as of late. It’s not like he ever has any energy, even more as of late, with the trip to the zone coming up... Not to mention everything that’s happened with Dmitry.

Yura grunts at the thought of that… *monster.

Why didn’t he stick around? Maybe he’d have been able to convince Sergei to let him stay, or at the very least, not report him. Maybe he could have helped Dima escape. Maybe he could have seen the police coming and warned him. Maybe if he had used his brain, he’d have told Sanya to let Dima stay at his place and avoided all of this. But, no amount of *maybes is going to change the fact that he’s gone. Dead, maybe, for all they know.

The door clicks shut. He’s alone now. Anya is either at school (Is there school today? What day is it?) or, more likely, at Olya’s right now. She probably won’t be back for some time. Yura will be all by himself until then, getting swallowed up by unnecessary feelings.

… Whatever. He only knew him for a week. He shouldn’t care. His eyes shouldn’t sting at the memory of the guy. It doesn’t matter that Yura wasted so much time and money helping him out. Feeding him, giving him a place to stay, hanging out with him even though he was *such a pain in the ass.. But none of that matters now. Never will matter, because he’s gone. The only thing that matters is that he- *it, Yura corrects himself - killed a few people in Sergei’s flat.

… Well, not really people. Not ones that matter, anyway. Three or so cops. Blew up their heads, Sanya said, that it looked like that’s what happened. Yura got the feeling she didn’t tell him more than she had to during their phone call. It was clear that she wasn’t pleased with how things turned out. Maybe she was hoping Sergei could help Dima. Let him live with them. Find some place for him to stay, at least.

Yura can’t find the strength to not blame her for this. The rational side of him argued that she was the *least to blame, actually, she didn’t know this would happen. Most likely, she didn’t even know that Dima’s a mutant. Still. Though the final nail in his (hopefully only metaphorical) coffin was decided by Sergei, *she took Dima to him. She should have known.. but, how could she have? There was no way for her to know.

A frustrated groan escapes the teen. There’s really no need to be thinking that much about him. About *it.

He groans again, frustrated by his inability to call Dmitry what he is. It’s not like he didn’t know the truth all along, either. Again, he internally reprimands himself for getting attached. Sanya isn’t to blame here- no, she’s not the one responsible for all of this. Maybe for getting him reported so quickly, but that was always going to happen, one way or another. Better soon than later, the teen thinks. Before he let that not entirely uncomfortable feeling grow more than it already has.

Before he can ponder this any further, his phone buzzes. With one hand, he rubs his eyes, with the other he picks up his phone.

*We need to talk, a message from none other than Mr Kazarin himself. The tone of the message makes him sound like he wants to break up, Yura thinks to himself. Funny. Maybe it is one. Yura runs a hand through his hair, staring at the message. His stalker times are over before they even started, his only hope at making it in this godforsaken world, all because of that.. *thing. Nothing he can say could fix this.

Luckily, before he can ruin Sergei’s view of him any further, another message. An invitation, if one can call it that, to meet up at an unimportant location. It’s not like he has much choice in this - so, he sends back an *ok, gets dressed in his unitidy clothes and heads out.

—

something something sergei angst

“You know what this is about.” Sergei proclaims. Yura doesn’t need to reply for him to know he’s right, but he still does, accompanied by a dry chuckle. “‘Course I do. It’s about Dimochka.”

“*Don’t call it that.”

The air is thick with tension. Despite this, Yura nonchalantly holds a cigarette out to him. Like nothing’s happened- like this is just a regular training session. With a sigh, he takes the cigarette, and with one quick motion, he takes out his lighter. Yura is fiddling with his own.

#<333 thank you

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ftm-radio · 3 years ago

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okay, I'm diverting from the default ask/answer format for this one because there are mentions of sensitive topics. I generally prefer to avoid these topics (though i dont have that posted anywhere, so no worries, anon) but I do want to answer anyway to try and help out.

I'd rather err on the side of caution for anybody who does not wanna read any of this, so I'm putting the ask and my response under a cut.

⚠️cw: brief mentions of sex & horniness, along with concerns about fetishization

Anonymous:

So…I don’t really know how to phrase this but I’m hoping you can help and this isn’t creepy. I’m a straight cis woman and have never had dysphoria beyond what I assumed was normal puberty woes (hated my chest getting bigger, hated getting a period, hated dresses). Recently something came up during sex that put the thought in my head of having a penis and I have not been able to stop thinking about it. I bought a binder and almost screamed with joy at how I looked but chalked it up to looking skinnier without my breasts in the way. (I’ve always had body image issues and I thought it was about weight but now I’m…not sure?)Today, “just to see”, I stuffed my pants with socks and I swear I almost passed out with how amazing it looked and felt. But with each of these explorations has come a really strong, idk how to better phrase it, horniness, like more than I’ve ever felt before when dressing up my female sexiness. So now I’m really confused about whether it’s like I’m just feeling confident and sexy and that’s why vs maybe I’m fetishizing? I don’t know any trans guys so idk if this is normal or if I’m being gross. I’m sorry if this is offensive and weird and you can ignore me if so but i just feel so bad and confused and idk what to do or who to talk to.

okay so right off the bat I wanna assure you that no, this is not creepy, offensive, or weird! you aren't doing any harm by exploring your gender and/or how you present yourself. it's totally fine to try new things and experiment and question! (it can be fun & i feel like more people should do that, tbh.) and I'm not an expert on what is/isn't fetishization, but what you're describing does not sound like fetishization to me. so I hope that helps you feel better and eases some of the anxiety!

Now, there's a lot more to discuss, so I'm gonna get right into it. This will be wordy. Buckle up.

Let's start with dysphoria and euphoria.

You mention hating when your chest got bigger, and I definitely understand that. I didn't actively start disliking my chest until after I realized I could potentially be rid of it, but for as long as I can recall I've been emotionally distant and uninterested in that part of me to such an extent that as a teen I would occasionally, uh... daydream about getting breast cancer and needing to have my breasts removed and then thinking, 'yeah,,, I'd be fine with that.' hahaha #justgirlythings amirite?

You also mention possible body image issues around weight. I'm a fat trans guy, and before I realized I was trans I also thought all my problems with my body all revolved around the fact that I was fat, that that was why I was uncomfortable and why I felt like my body didn't fit. I didn't know anything about dysphoria or trans people until I was an adult, so all I knew growing up was that being fat was "bad" and that's what I got bullied and snickered at for, so *of course* that was why I felt shitty about myself!!! Yeah, not quite. My brain just didn't know what the problem was so I directed all the blame at the thing I did know about.

But nowadays, I'm just not as bothered by my weight/body shape. I felt like my only chance at being happy as a girl (or a.. woman, I guess. ew.) was to be thinner and fit society's beauty standards as much as possible, but now I know that I can be happy just being a guy. any guy. fat, thin, buff, somewhere in between—I'd be content anywhere in that spectrum as long as I'm a guy. It wasn't my size/shape that was the problem, it was my gender, and gender dysphoria. And maybe that's how it is for you, too. it's something to consider, at least.

Okay, moving along! so dysphoria is the crappy part, the discomfort and distress. Let's get to its fun (and much cooler) cousin you may not have heard much about: gender euphoria!

See, what you experienced when you tried a binder & packing for the first time sound quite a bit like gender euphoria to me. In my experience, the first few times you feel euphoria are the most intense and vivid because its a big shock to your system after however many years you've gone feeling not-quite-right. And then after a while you kind of get used to it and it's not quite so overwhelming. It's like first you have these crazy fireworks going off, but then it simmers down to a cozy little candle. Still glowing, still warm, but it's more familiar, more like home.

You also mention feeling a different kind of excitement (horny) and I'm.. not sure I can help you much with figuring that out. 😅 I'm decidedly quite asexual, so I don't have a whole lot of experience with uhhhh sexy feelings and whatnot. I do think you could definitely be feeling way more confident in yourself and your appearance, and that might be what's leading to these feelings, but that's as far as I can guess.

I can at least attest to the fact that binding and presenting more masc made me more confident in my appearance and feel better about myself just like, in general, so for someone who is more inclined to ~sexy feelings~ than I am, I think it would make sense for you to feel hotter? idk, I don't really go here.

now, regarding your worries about fetishizing. I already said before that I don't think that's what's going on (and i still stand by that) but I just want to explain that a little more. Your excitement seems to be focused more on yourself and what you're doing than, say, trans men or trans people in general, so I don't think that's a fetish. If you were specifically lusting after trans guys because of their transness, that would be fetishization, I think. In my opinion, it sounds like you're just feeling yourself out and learning what makes you feel good, and that's perfectly fine. Nothing wrong with that. :)

As for not knowing what to do about all this, I would say that reaching out to somebody (me, in this case) is a great first step. If you're trying to figure yourself out and what you want, then research can help, especially if you don't know a lot about trans people and the lgbt+ community in general. Obviously you found my blog, but there are plenty of others you might find helpful! I specifically recommend @ transgenderteensurvivalguide as they have a lot of info and resources that have helped me out (despite not being a teen, lol).

Another option for you (in addition to research) is to dig down deep and do some journaling!!! yeah. sorry. it's kind of my go-to. write about what you're feeling and ask yourself questions. (If you want a sort-of guide thing for this, I answered another ask recently-ish on my blog where I had a bunch of example questions that i myself have used when journaling.)

If you want to jump right in and try more than binding or packing, you could also try experimenting with what pronouns you use! whether it's in-person with safe people you trust, or with an anonymous account online that your friends/family won't find, that could help you get a sense of what's up!

Okay, i think that's all I've got right now. This wound up pretty long, as per usual, and responding to this took a bit longer than I meant to, but I hope you're still hanging around and this can help you out, anon. I also hope anybody else who reads this can benefit in some small way.

I think one of the most important things for you to do is to go easy on yourself. Gender is way more complicated than our cis-iety (cis society, I 100% stole this word from someone) teaches us. it's okay to be confused and not know quite where you're at, and it's okay if you don't have an answer right away. you have time to figure this out. hell, you can take as long as you want. there's no rush! nobody is standing at the golden Gates of Validation with a stopwatch to see if you're fast enough to get in.

if you have more questions, my inbox is open, and I wish you the best, wherever you end up.

💜

#ftm radio #listener call in #ask #anon #questioning #trans #transgender #ftm #gender questioning #gender identity #gender

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miraculous-sunflower · 4 years ago

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don’t steal adrien’s phone - a fanfiction by miraculous_carnation

hi yall! this amazing piece of art isnt unfortunately done by me- it’s by the ultra charming miraculous_carnation on ao3, so be sure to check her out! i’ve gotten her permission to post this here, so dont worry! enjoy the show!

Lila Rossi posed for the camera, putting on a flirty face, Adrien sitting next to her. They were at the Palace of Versailles, the place for their photoshoot. Lila hugged Adrien in a way that made him uncomfortable, running her hands across his back. The photographer, noticing Adrien’s discomfort, asked them to take a 5 minutes break.

Lila walked to where Adrien was sitting. “So, Adrien! The photos are going to look awesome, right? I mean, we look so in love!”

Adrien’s eyes opened wide when he heard her voice. “Um, Lila? I know I’ve said this a lot, but can you please stop touching me? It makes me uncomfortable, and I already have a girlfriend,” Adrien tried to explain.

Lila narrowed her eyes at his last statement. Ugh, that Maritrash. What did Adrien see in her?

“Oh of course, Adrien! I’d never want to do something that would make you feel uncomfortable,” she whispered, leaning towards his mouth. Adrien grew stiff. Luckily, the photographer called for them just in time. Lila rolled her eyes, but then put on a fake smile.

“Oh well, anyways, we better go back, Adrien! We have to finish the shoot!”

Adrien hated photoshoots with Lila. They were the worst. Luckily, it was only for another 30 minutes, because after that, he had an interview with Nadja Chamack on Face to Face.

Lila hid behind a bush, watching Adrien get up and head toward the photoshoot. Perfect. She ran over to the table and picked up his phone.

“Well, Adrien, let’s see who you really love,” she smirked.

“Welcome back to, Face to Face! This is your host, Nadja Chamack, live in Paris!” Nadja Chamack enthusiastically said while the audience clapped. “Today, we have a very important guest. He’s a model, born here in Paris, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the son of world famous designer Gabriel Agreste, Adrien Agreste!”

2 seconds later, Adrien walked onto the stage, wearing a suit, created specially by his father, strutting in the way his father taught him when he was little. ‘Flash a flirty smile to the audience, then greet Nadja Chamack professionally’, his father’s words repeated in his mind. His father cared about his appearance and reputation, after all…

“Hello there, Nadja! How are you doing today?” Adrien politely asked. He wished he could be somewhere else,particularly running around as CHat Noir, maybe playing a game of tag with Ladybug…

“Oh, well I’m doing wonderful!” Nadja responded, snapping Adrien out of his daze. “Anyways, I’ve got a bunch of questions for you! First one, are you dating Lila Rossi, a fellow model from your father’s company? Are the rumors true?”

Adrien sighed. There were so many rumors about that going around, many of them created by Lila. She already convinced the class that they were dating, when he actually was dating Marinette.

“Sorry, Nadja, but that is incorrect. I am not dating Lila Rossi, but I am dating Marinette Dupain-Cheng, of who you may know.”

Nadja smiled at the name of her friend’s daughter. “Yes, I know Marinette, I commissioned her to create a dress for Manon for my sister’s wedding, and it came out beautiful! Everyone in the audience, go check out Marinette’s website!”

Lila Rossi was watching the Face to Face interview, fuming. She didn’t know he had an interview! How dare Adrien say that! She’d ruin his relationship with Marinette! She tapped into his phone, already knowing his password, courtesy of his father. Gabriel Agreste gave her access to all of his son’s social media accounts for safety reasons. She logged onto his Instagram account and made a new post, adding the photo of Lila kissing him on the cheek.

“So grateful for my girlfriend @lilarossi! Love you!”

She smirked. No way he was getting out of this one.

Nadja Chamack was confused. Apparently, a new post from Adrien on Instagram was posted just now, but how was it possible? Adrien was talking to her the whole time!

She coughed. “Adrien, it seems that there has been a new post on your Instagram,” Adrien looked shocked, “can we have the post on the screen?”

Adrien’s eyes grew wide as he saw the post. “Nadja, I didn’t post that! I couldn’t-”

“I know you didn’t, Adrien. You’ve been talking to me the whole time right now!”, Adrien let out a sigh of relief, “Is it possible your social media team did it?”

Adrien shook his head. “No, they don’t put out posts like that. They only put out posts that promote the brand!”

“So if it wasn’t your social media team, who was it?” Nadja said in confusion. There were several murmurs in the audience as well.

Adrien narrowed his eyes. “Well, I have a hunch. What is the post about?”

Nadja caught on with his thinking. “Oh, so you believe Lila Rossi posted this? How would she have gotten your phone?”

Adrien thought about what happened before the interview. “Well, you see, before coming here, I had a photoshoot with Lila. She probably took my phone then.”

Gabriel Agreste was watching from the safety of his home. Lila Rossi had not thought about this beforehand! She was going to ruin his plan and his brand! How dare she!

Nathalie walked in. “Sir, would you like me to delete the post and disable Adrien’s social media accounts?”

“Yes, Nathalie. Have Adrien’s social media team clean up the mess.” Gabriel sighed. The only good thing that came out of this was that he figured out his son was dating Marinette Dupain-Cheng. It was a good choice, as Marinette was exceptional.

Lila’s eyes grew wide at the revelation. She posted about herself on Adrien’s account when he was in an interview! It made her the prime suspect! Hopefully Mr. Agreste’s social media team could take the blame.

She dialed Mr. Agreste’s number. “Hello, is Mr. Agreste there?”

She was greeted with the monotone voice of Nathalie. “Excuse me, Miss Rossi, but Mr. Agreste has decided to terminate your contract on behalf of Gabriel. You will never model in his brand again. Goodbye.”

Lila gasped. How dare that dumb assistant! She was Lila Rossi! How dare Gabriel Agreste do that to her! She would ruin him!

“On top of recent events, Lila Rossi has lied about many things. She even got Marinette expelled once!” Adrien explained to Nadja, excited that he found a way to expose Lila.

Marinette was watching all of this from the comfort from her room, her mouth wide open. Well, she wasn’t super surprised, Lila would do something like this, but Adrien called her his girlfriend! Sure, they were dating, but she didn’t think he would announce it publicly!

Girl, are you watching Face to Face? Can you believe Lila lied?

Hold up, you’re dating Adrien? Why didn’t you tell me?

Girl, I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. I thought we were BFFs!

Marinette snorted at the latter. BFFs? Yeah, right. Alya literally announced to the class two weeks ago that their friendship was over and that her new best friend would be Lila. Go figure!

“Wow. As you can see, ladies and gentlemen, startling revelations about the newest Gabriel model has come through! Hold on, we have a new post from the official Gabriel Twitter account! Can we please have this on the screen?” Nadja exclaimed.

Adrien read the post, not surprised. Of course his father would try to save face. It wasn’t new. He was just happy he wouldn’t have to model with Lila anymore.

The audience and Nadja gasped when they read the post. “Wow! It looks like the Gabriel brand has officially terminated Lila Rossi’s contract!” Nadja had to act surprised because this was predictable from the fashion designer. Typical Gabriel.

“Well, folks! There was a lot of drama today, but that concludes today’s interview! I hope you come again for another episode of, Face to Face!” Nadja concluded.

Bonus Scene:

“Well, Adrien, you made a good choice with Marinette. She could take over the designing area of the company while you take over the business side. When will you marry her?”

“FATHER!”

“Well, kid, he’s not wrong. Pigtails makes pretty good bread. And oh how good it tastes with camembert! Oh my sweet gooiness!”

“Shut up, Plagg.”

#fuck off lila #yessir plagg #go nadja hehe #miraculous_carnation #lila salt #lila exposed #alya salt #kind of #ao3 #ao3 shoutout #gabriel is trying yall #but hes still fucked #lila is a dummy #more of a dummy than me #and im a real dummy yall

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kendrixtermina · 2 years ago

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Absolute Terror Field: Something to keep in mind about Type 5

So recently I got the feedback that my posts here apparently read as "vaguely flat and distanced", and that sort of... 'shocked me' would imply that it was unexpected, which it was not, at least in the sense that I could explain it as 'ah, it must be due to my type'. But at the same time, I can't say that it was "on purpose" in the sense that I was intending to sound that way or that this was what I thought I was sounding like, and that got me thinking & reflecting.

The thing is...

It’s like there’s this 10 foot lead wall.

And I don’t normally realize it’s there, after all, some stuff makes it through.

Stuff gets to me, and I’m putting stuff out, same as everyone else in theory - so why would I assume that there is a wall? Why wouldn't I just think that this is the normal amount of permeable? Sure, sometimes I go in a youtube comment section & ppl report like crying a lot more at something, but, ppl are different, were all individuals, there could be so many different reasons for that. I've certainly cried before, sometimes quite against my will.

So I live here, & I have this idea of myself that does not include the wall cause after all I am here on this side of it, seeing myself from in here.

Until, once in a while, it happens that someone says something like:

“I can’t hear you, there are 10 feet of lead in the way!”

Or I said something & someone gets offended or makes a face cause, other people don’t have lead walls.

And every time anew, I’m like - Bam. Oh right. The 10 foot lead wall. I had fogotten.

I kinda hate it when that happens. I understand why, I see that its just what it is, i dont blame the other person or get my panties in a twist about it, I might even be grateful to get the pointer cause I don't want it to be outside of my understanding or control, I don't go reading things into it, I realize that it's ultimately a completely neutral even and that whatever response I can't help having is only my business and a Me Problem, but completely separate from all that, without tying any demands or implications to it, it remains just as true that it does not feel good. Whatever the exact opposite is of when ppl cry effusiely about how something makes them feel so seen & validated, that's what it feels like. "Like I don't exist", or "Like they're talking about a completely different person", I might say, though that would be something of a self-indulgently dramatic way to put it.

And, it was to be expected. I have a theoretical explanation for why that is. It simply is what it is. No reason to get worked up about it, it means nothing, its just a random unusual quirk, like being left handed or gay or having red hair. Something mildly annoying to deal with every day. Imagine how perplexing this was when I didn’t have an explanation for it. Ppl were just randomly saying obviously untrue stuff, to be cruel perhaps, or who knows why.

There are some things related to me having this trait/type that I would consider part of my 'self' - like the curiosity, the attraction to dark shit - if that's not it, what else is there? But the wall is not. It's just there. External. It would be as stupid as basing your identity on your skin color, nationality or whatever, any other arbitrary trait that tons of other ppl have. I didn't choose it. I'm not "doing" it. That's not me, "me" is on the other side of it.

But it occurs to me that to some it’s probably one of my most noticeable characteristics on the same order as “height”, “ethnicity” or “apparent gender”.

- “Ah look, it’s sondanso, the lead wall person.”. “There they are, off behind their lead wall again, they must not like us.” or worse yet, “It’s that asshole whose whole being is nothing but a slab of lead.” Like it's lead all the way down.

Or maybe someone likes lead. Say you’re some stuck-up smartass & you think a girlfriend who talks only about computers nets you some nifty prestige points. You sure won’t have to waste time using google while you got Miss Lead Slab around. And then you start to feel like you kinda bought the cat in a bag there - “Who’s this weirdass crass blunt impractical oversensitive freaky emo doomer dweeb person? I didn’t sign up for none of that!”

And I'm like, “Uh... me? WTF are you so surprised about, I never hid who I am or pretended to be anything else - i acted true to myself even when it made me unpopular precisely so this wouldn't happen. If you don’t like me, then why did you waste my time? It said ‘Angry emo dweeb’ right in the description!” (like that was literally my blog description at the time) - and that’s all true... if you’re not considering the lead wall.

Consciously, I don’t much pretend or adapt, I wouldn’t know how if I wanted and I wouldn’t want to if I knew how, I’m the same in public, in private or in the shower, open unfiltered & transparent - if you don’t consider the lead wall. Obvsly I don’t control what flavor of automatic fear response I’m going to have - and everyone is going to be nervous on a fucking date in the early stages of a relationship, like, duh. Not even like, super freaked out - just a normal, mundane amount of nervous, but when I get nervous, I apparently get frozen up. It appears. It has been reported to me. I would tend to be more focussed on whatever it is I am trying to say. The computers for example, or in this case the typology stuff. Isn't that the important part? or so i would assume.

And then as time passed I probably got to be more relaxed & at ease around him, more like I’m on my own (which is most of the time) or with the family members I actually like, who very much could tell you, ‘yeah, soandso is kinda tactless, sorta pessimistic, a tad touchy and a military grade kook, but she’s also funny & interesting & really one for broadening horizons’ - something where both the strenghts and the struggles are seen and the critiques are fair. It’s not wholly impossible. That gives me some hope at least...

Indeed you see this mentioned a few times in the literature - the palmer books, or LaHue’s recent video on how all the types may shift in a family-like environment. That Type 5 individuals are sometimes experienced as being markedly different at home, like family settings or long marriages (usually in terms of being more assertive & blunt or more excitable).

There's probably a reverse of that bias that 6s, 9s and 3s have how they notice more how they're different in different situations & may have trouble spotting the throughline. I see the cumulative sum, and had to study this stuff to even percieve the situationals.

Mr. Smartass, tho? He probably liked me better when I talked only about computers. Its Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer all over again, deviation from the norm is only tolerated when it's exploitable. And who can I blame but myself? Since I was the one nonstop talking about computers.

I wonder if this could be considered an equivalent to that thing the 7s sometimes have that their friends keep expecting them to bring the party & the sunshine even if they don't feel up to it. But that's not really it - cause, it's not like the computers stuff was some put on pretense that is in any way secondary to my person - it's the important shit, it's what I care about, what my heart is all tied up in - that's why I'm talking about it.

It kinda reinforces that idea that no one really wants to hear your thoughts, wants or feelings, at least if you let it. They say they wanna hear but the real answer sends em running for the hills. If they even hear you, cause again - oops, the wall. Oh right! And I do realize that the onus is in part on me to communicate it. But sometimes I make my intention quite clear, in such ways as I can - verbally, usually - and it still isn't enough. Doesn't count. Does nothing. What im saying gets rendered pointless by things I can't control much. They only see the lead wall. For my formative years, I didn't even know why. I thought that either they're all judgemental, or im just some x-man mutant that just intrinsically repulses people - good thing that's cleared up.

And when the usual outcomes are 'they won't notice you' or 'they'll run for the hills', the more it appears as if the endeavor of talking to humans is altogether for the birds.

I'm trying to not let it convince me, or to put that feeling aside and save it for the angsty fanfictions, cause obsly that doesnt always hold true. There are counterexamples.

Of course not everyone has a spouse or trusted family members/ roommates. A lot of ppl’s families are garbage or just don’t click with them. (as is true for ppl of all types)

So I imagine that with a lot of less fortunate individuals, essentially, no one’s ever seen em - not as they are on their own, most of the time. And they might have very good reasons to want it that way. I certainly don’t want just anyone to have acess to my consciousness - my father can keep thinking I’m a grey rock for all I care, for example, I’m not masochistic enough to go throwing pearls before the swine here. I don't want him to have any access to my consciousness & I've impressed it strictly on my remaining relatives to not tell him anything of my life unecessarily.

I prolly do need the darn wall cause I can sometimes barely handle what does make it through. That’s likely to be why and how it got to be there, some kinda survival defense mechanism thingy. I've no shortage of things to agonize about even like this, and I have things I enjoy also.

I don't exactly want it gone. If anything, lowkey freak out sometimes when ppl notice too much stuff about me and go ask questions - only in a real-time, face to face setting, though. Guess I used to think that written communication puts me on a more level playing field, and, I'd still say that it does, but... I guess even in cyberspace I can only be what I am, temperamental quirks included.

But if there was to be a takeaway here other than satisfying passing curiosity/voyeurism and leaving a record... hm. This is where I stumble a bit because it might be too much like making a request than merely discussing myself as an 'example human' exchangeable and immaterial aside from its relevance to the topic. It may be too much like complaining.

I find myself wanting to stop. Pause. Interrupt this. Go take a walk. "get perspective on it" as I would call it, but in this case it would be just putting some distance. I'm kinda looking a little bit on my hands instead of the screen now, or all the way away. Even live describing this is, uh, me being a little bit nervous I guess. That's probably the isolation defense.

But i wont stop. imma cold shower this today, because that is something I need to get better at doing, and because I basically know what I want to say, so I will. I can allow myself once.

Basically - I would like to have it known, like, just in case anyone didn't already, that the tip is not the whole iceberg. That there's more than just that wall.

Like, at least assume that I'm there.

I am here. I can see you. I can hear all that you're saying, so don't be cruel. (...and I'm not side-eying anyone in particular here but meaning humans in general. )

And I don't even mean that in a "we are more than just our types" kinda way, like of course we are, but you think what's over here is completely unaffected by type? That there's nothing more interesting here to describe, even if its just interesting in like a fucked up absurd way? Even the type is not just the wall. its its whole little hell realm and a very specific temperament and a whole range of complexities, like all the others. The stuff behind the wall also has characteristics.

This is kinda why I which I have this whole thing about which are the semi-good descriptions, the Naranjo one, the palmer one, the oceanmoonshine blog one or even that video interview thing I recently uploaded cause those are, to me, that really go into, like, the contents, and not just "look for a really disagreeable person with a bigass lead wall.". Like, that is true, (certainly more true than any fake positive, obnoxiously euphemistic takes) but there's more.

Maybe let's not just look at our hypothetical example person as just a collection of deficiencies and inadequacies and all the many things they can't do and suck absolute ass at, but let's take a look at what drives them and what they spend their days with, what they care about, what kinds of obscure sorrows they carry with them. I mean, I'm definitely interested in that when it comes to others. At least the hot ones.

I already kind if view myself as a list of limits and deficiencies - unless you've found yourself one of those really immature dismissive-ass hell specimens that appointed themselves as the world's bubble burster in chief (and which type isn't obnoxious if super immature?), chances are, the type 5 person in your lives probably doesn't need to be taken down a peg. They're not showing off, they're not to blame for society's obsession with academic performance, there's a good chance they hate the public education system as much as you do, and they just don't know how else to exist, any more than you do.

And I know I brought this upon myself. "Stop just overemphasizing the annoying nerd trope!" I'll say, and go emphasizing the doomerism or unrealism instead, but, the content focus, when correctly described, really is one of the most noticeable characteristics. If you wanna teach ppl to spot this in the wild you would definitely tell them to look for this. I do mostly bring up... content, when I go out and talk to people. I mean what else am I doing here? I find myself worrying stuff like, "i havent read anything interesting lately, i might have no topics..." when ppl ask me to hang out. If I didn't snap to that so automatically, I'd tell myself to "...consider 6" or something. Except then i probably wouldnt use that wording.

The content focus is fucking conspicuous. and its not superficial, like, that is the stuff i care about.

But there should be more bullet points on that list. From the average articles out there, you wouldn't expect this flavor of ppl to put out the kinda art that they typically do, which means they'd at least be failing you as analysis tools. Like there are some commonalities, if you look at the art output (which probably most reflects a person's "contents", or, represents an imprint of their consciousness) and the descriptions out there don't capture where those come from.

....

Now for the obvious disclaimers - this is my experience; a w6 person probably pictures their inner self less ‘emo dweeb’ and more... 6-like, just, humble, practical reasonable person, and social-havers or 3-fixers probably do want to project some degree of an appealing persona (and have The Wall(TM) scrambling that desire in its own snowflakey way) etc. and in the end we’re all individuals even if we share some quirks of our basic temperament.

#enneagram #5w4 #5w6

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thoughts-on-bangtan · 3 years ago

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Let’s talk: Vlive Asks and comment/chat discussions

From @cottoncandykings: Hello! As u probably know jimin just went live recently and again he mentioned mandaggo and discussing about doing it with tae. I just find it so weird though. I mean jimin keeps constantly mentioning it and its not like vminnies were begging or dying for a vmin live everyday even before jimin mentioned it last year. Even now most including myself dont really care that much ofc i m happy if they do one together. But the way jimin keeps mentioning it is so weird. Like surely if he wanted to do it so badly he could have talked to tae privately and arranged it by now. And if tae is the one that doesnt want to do it then idk why jimin is pushing it. But what was really weird to me this time was that he said there were lots of comments about mandaggo yesterday in zoom call and yet they didnt mention it yesterday but suddenly today without prompting he talks about it. I also hope no one spammed the zoom call chat or the vlive chat with requests for vmin live (i didnt see any) bcoz thats just unnecessary and demanding. I hope vminnies wont demand/ ask for another memeber when one of them is live. Its just disrespectful. This turned into a rant sorry. Do you think it was weird too?

Since Admin 2 can’t type their thoughts themselves, I’ll relay their thoughts to you instead, since they had more thoughts/opinions/ideas in regard to this than I do, to be honest.

Admin 2 is sure that there is a good chance that we will get a vmin vlive sometime soon, which I know contradicts their original opinion and post from a few months ago, but there’s a reason for it. During the zoom meeting between BTS and ARMY they noticed something I don’t think anyone else noticed, or at least neither of us has seen any vminnies mention it anywhere, which in conjunction with Jimin’s vlive today and saying how he’d talk to Tae about doing a mandaggo vlive again, as well as another observation a little while ago, leads them to this conclusion.

So, the observation from the zoom meeting. Basically at one point when the question of Jimin doing a vlive arose Tae looks at Jimin and then he nods while smiling which in turn makes Jimin smile as he turns away from Tae and back to face toward the camera before answering the question and saying how he’ll come visit us the next day. Which he did.

Then the other observation from a while ago, this one being from their OT7 vlive celebrating their BBH100 #1 on June 29th where at one point Jimin says something but slips into satoori after which Tae encourages him to say that again but this time in the Seoul accent, so the way they actually should speak, which Jimin says isn’t difficult but he doesn’t actually end up repeating what he said.

And lastly in today’s vlive Jimin mentioned how he’s using satoori quite often but that he isn’t all that good at doing it on command or at teaching it to others, which is something he’d have to do for mandaggo but I’m sure he’d manage just fine if the time came for it.

Based on that Admin 2′s thoughts are basically that Jimin really meant it when he said, last year, that he’ll bring Tae around for a vlive, that it wasn’t a joke or a way to tease us with something he knew he wouldn’t be able to deliver, but rather that up until this point they weren’t quite sure how to do it. Which sounds a bit odd, I know, but what they mean is that if vmin were to just sit down in front of the camera and were supposed to just talk based on what the chat would give them, it would likely just turn out awkward and weird and no one, including them, would really have fun. Even more so when we take into account how idiotic the chat is during regular vlives so now imagine if those two were to do one together that’s just a casual chat. It would likely end up in disaster and honestly I wouldn’t wish it upon them to read all those awful comments that they would likely get, even worse ones than they already get normally, to be honest.

But now that the whole satoori thing was brought up, and Jimin actually mentioned mandaggo and wanting to bring it back after so many years, Admin 2 thinks that they must’ve finally figured out a solution to their problem, if you can call it that. Doing mandaggo would basically mean they would have an activity, something to do similar to how they did those ASMR videos for the Japanese Fan Club which were fun and cute, and so Admin 2 thinks that perhaps chances are we will finally get the vlive we’ve waited for so long (though like many others I’ve long given up the idea).

Another confirmation is that during his vlive today Jimin basically said that he only came by for a little while since they are quite busy and had to soon get ready for work with the other members but that he’ll return in two or three weeks for a more proper, longer, vlive. So, he could’ve treated today’s vlive as the promised one but instead he saw it more as a bridging one between the zoom meeting and the proper vlive he wants to do, so is it the farfetched to think that he had proper plans for a vlive, like doing mandaggo, but it just wouldn’t have worked out time wise today so he moved the actual vlive he wanted to make to a later date?

One last thing (well two actually) that has nothing to do with this question but Admin 2 wanted me to include it anyway is that one, have you noticed how Tae and Jimin were both on weverse around 3 am (until almost 4am (also both of them posting a comment to some post at 03:41 am KST)) one after the other (though with one day of a break in between them) recently and then also two, that Jimin was up until like 6 am (since he posted on weverse around that time) on the 8th and then during the zoom meeting Tae answered a question by saying that he’d been awake until 6 am the previous day (also the 8th) since he wanted to see the sunrise? Which is also something an anon mentioned to us. Curious, isn’t it?

From anon: I request both admins to please post this ask. So jimin wwnt live today and one of the accounts on twt posted a screen cap of them commenting 'touch your hair if vmin is real' in the live chat and jimin's reaction to it. Now idk if it is an edit or real. No matter i just want to say its not ok to bring up ships in front of the members no matter which ship it is. We dont know the reality of their relationship so lets not make them uncomfortable. Its not a joke. Its not funny. Be respectful the members are real people.

(Admin 1 taking over from this point onward) This ask nicely ties into the last one that’ll be further down in this post since they cover a similar issue of sorts. But let’s start with this one asking about, essentially, vlive comments and the things fans ask/comment, which also ties in with the above ask as well.

The thing with the vlive chat, and especially comments/questions that are like anon said, questions or “commands/requests” about touch your hair if XYZ ship is real or cough twice if you love XYZ member or, likewise, comments such as where is XYZ member or what are the other members doing, unfortunately those have been a steady and unchanging part of the vlive chat since basically forever. It’s been an issue on and off with different intensities though I feel like it’s gotten worse again this year. Particularly if we look back at the vlive Tae did with Hobi and Yoongi and how essentially the entire chat was filled with comments related to Xkook and not much else.

If my memory doesn’t fail me we once even had a situation some years ago (2016) where the chat during Hobi’s vlive was so bad, as in so full of questions about that other members instead of him, that you could see he was upset about it and eventually he handed over the vlive to Jimin, whom the chat had requested Hobi to visit, and Hobi just left. And I can’t blame him for it since the chat must’ve made him feel like basically no one cared about him so what was even the point of him being there, right?

Personally I’ve long given up looking at the comments during vlive because they just make me cringe and feel bad for the members, especially when I think back to vlives such as Yoongi’s D2 one last year where he was so excited to talk about the songs and the process of making the mixtape and yet so many of the comments were just unrelated nonsense and annoying request like speak english or can you say my name or say hello in XYZ language. If it makes me question why the people posting those questions are in the chat, why they are fans to begin with, imagine what the members must feel like, how discouraging that must feel like. After all they are musicians and yet so rarely do they get questions about that. Or rather they do get them but they are just drowned out by nonsense. Which is a shame. And also very disrespectful but any attempts that were made to remind people to be respectful, to remember their place as fans, to focus on the member that’s doing the vlive instead of asking about the others, and to keep ships away from the members have failed because some don’t care and will continue to not care.

From anon: what are your opinions on the Qs that were asked during that zoom meeting thing between BTS and ARMY?

Now I’d like to preface my answer to this last question by saying that by no means do my grievances come from a place of jealousy or anything. I’m very happy for all the ARMYs that won their spot, that they got to participate in the event and that BTS got to see ARMYs again even if only on screens and not in person still. No, my issue stems from something completely different, and I don’t want to say that the system chose the wrong people, because that would be mean and also who even knows how the winners were chosen, if it was pure luck or there were some actual criteria that went into the process, but the fact is that only a select 200 ARMYs got that spot out of however many that applied, so basically for some this was a once in a lifetime chance, right, even just getting this close to asking Bangtan a question and have really great chances of having them give you an answer while acknowledging you somewhat instead of just seeing pure words on a screen, you know what I mean?

Now imagine you are one of those 200 ARMYs and you get the chance to fill the chat with questions along with the other 49 participants of your session and you decide that asking questions such as what it’s like for Jimin to work as angel, if Namjoon ever broke a bicycle, or why JK smells the crowns of the other members heads? Or even worse, you decide to ask about JKs shower routine and in which order he washes his body? And sure, the “fault” doesn’t fall completely on the ARMYs alone, after all it’s the members who read out those questions and not some magical off screen entity, and since I wasn’t part of the event I can’t say with a hundred percent certainty that no one asked any “proper” questions, but if those were the questions that ended up being read out loud, is it that hard to guess that likely all the questions looked similarly?

Which brings me to my main grievance of it all: have you forgotten that you are fans of musicians and not reality TV stars or vloggers/influencers? I know there were likely no rules for what questions you could or couldn’t ask (except for probably ones that were 100% about shipping or far too personal), but really, you get to ask your favorite band a question, something you might never, ever get the chance to do again, and your first thought isn’t to ask about their music but instead about some unimportant nonsense like the angel question or if they differentiate between the clothes they wear at home and those they sleep in? Like sure the angel one was kinda funny, maybe, and Jimin handled it in a cute way, I applaud him for it, but was that really necessary?

I know someone asked JK about Decalcomania, as well as Tae about his mixtape, and Yoongi/Jimin about Tony Montana (season 2), but other than that were there any other questions about their music? Perhaps I’m overthinking things, maybe I’m exaggerating and maybe I’m the only one who sees an issue with this, but if I would’ve won a spot, I’d rather have asked something about their process when writing lyrics or creating beats or how they prepare when learning new choreographies, what it’s like to be on tour (though perhaps that would be a mean question seeing as tours aren’t really something that’ll continue being possible for a while still), you get the point.

It makes me wonder if it was just bad luck or if it had something to do with how old the participants were (I saw some being as young as fifteen), which isn’t to say that teens can’t ask smart questions because they definitely can just like adults can ask stupid ones as well, but somewhere something, in my opinion, just went weirdly. And maybe that was the point of it all, for the event to be casual, funny, lighthearted, but my question then is when is the time for music discussions? For fans to ask those types of questions that actually have something to do with the boys careers? When even journalists aren’t asking them proper questions, ARMYs aren’t either, so what is the point of it all then?

Then again, after the event concluded and Seokjin came onto vlive he seemed so happy and excited, so maybe they had fun (I mean they seemed to have fun) and didn’t mind at all that the questions were lighthearted and silly, maybe I’m the one making mountains out of molehills. I don’t know, but anon wanted to know my thoughts/opinions, and this is them. Once again, I don’t mean to be mean toward the ARMYs that got rightfully in, that won, and I don’t want to insult them for the questions they asked, perhaps I just expected/hoped for something a little different? And perhaps I’m the only one. I don’t know.

#answered ask #BTS #vmin #jimin #Vmin vlive

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redxblueihateloveyou · 3 years ago

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Am I the only one who doesn’t get why some (tw) are shitting on Haru and Rin separately just for the fact that they reciprocate each others feelings? Because it’s not the feelings they wanted them to reciprocate? Just curious because I'm new and recently entered the fandom. And since when miscommunication in between means that they don't deserve to be happy at the end? Because you're an idiot when it comes to love, doesn't mean you're a bad person. I came from chinese bl and it's weird to me.

Hehe welcome to the madness, perfect time to join! Yeah, tbh that's the thing in the fandom that always bugged me the most. The fact that some act like if you don't reciprocate someone's feelings, it makes you a bad person. I always found it incredibly cringy when ppl in real life for example make ppl feel guilty for not feeling the same way and make you feel like shit bc of it. I don't get why you have to apologize for that or feel bad, if you never ever gave him any hope or anything in the first place.

Nowdays it's thankfully a rare sight already in this fandom, bc most already grown and see perfectly what's truly healthy and unhealthy, it's just tbh only the same 3 accounts ppl keep sending me that are still on that, who also think that Haru is literally possessed in the last movie so I don't see the point of like arguing with ppl like this. It's just they're always getting extremely angry when Haru wants Rin as if it's his fault that he feels this way and always go about it like he is inconsiderate of Makoto's feelings. Implying that they're mad that he doesn't feel that way about Makoto, while Makoto does. I'm same as @tododeku-or-bust for example said here (idk what fandom brought this on, but just in general) also do not get what's appealing about this kind of relationships in the first place.

If they shipped it in terms of like it's mutual I'd get it, but they go on about how Rin or Haru are bad friends bc they're not in love with their best friends... like ?????? I didn't know you owe it to your friends to have romantic feelings for them.

In real life if you found out that your bestie feels that way for you while you don't reciprocate, it's a burden, that'll make you feel uncomfortable and at times guilty when you shouldn't technically feel that way. So putting on someone a burden of "I was pining for you all along", when you know they don't feel the same is giving me this feeling of cringe. So I personally do not get what's enjoyable at seeing it like that in Free. But to each their own kink lmao.

It's like... is Haru at fault for the fact that he was Ikuya's first love too? I do not get it really. Like he doesn't have to take responsibility for everyone who falls for him and he doesn't owe anyone to reciprocate their feelings. Even to Rin. Like if he didn't feel the same way for Rin, it wouldn't be his fault either. But since he does feel the same way for him, it's like... good, great, happy for them.

Like once again if someone believes that Makoto and Sousuke are unrequitedly in love with Rin and Haru, that's not rinharu fault. Haru literally never ever lead Makoto on EVER. He never ever did anything that would make Makoto believe that they're more than friends. He was always honest about everything. Like when Makoto thought that he went out to see him, but Haru just wanted to see the sunrise, he told him just that. He never encoraged anything, he refused to live with him and never wanted. I do not get why it's supposed to be his fault that he doesn't like his friend in that way. If Makoto has some unrequited feelings for him and decided to hang up on this, it's his own life choice in my opinion.

It's like saying that Onodera and Takano for example don't deserve to be together just because they unintentionally hurt each other and got separated for 10 years bc of misunderstanding. This argument is like typical Yokozawa life position aka "but I was there when he left you heartbroken for several years, that means you MUST pick me". As I've said before, that's just not how it fucking works. And just bc they couldn't explain things to each other normally, doesn't mean that they don't deserve be happy now. Being idiots is not a crime.

Or if you came from chinese bl, lets go "Guardian" for example. Zhu Hong also was on about how "why you love Shen Wei, not me, I always did everything for you and I was always there, I even wore heels bc you once said you liked those etc". Like he never asked her to do this, he never gave her any hope, he was beyond rude and open about the fact that he's not interested, he never did anything to make her think she had a chance since the beginning. Just bc she decided to dedicate her life to false hope that maybe one day something might change is not his fault. It was her choice. Why Yunlan should feel like shit bc of that I do not get personally.

I'm just buffled bc like Haru for example is the most caring about other ppl's pain person, but they call him selfish and rude bc of the way he is with Makoto at times, not even realising that it IS in fact what means being kind sometimes.. to not give someone a chance when you know you don't feel it. I was always saying this like since forever, being kind doesn't mean for example giving everyone second chances, loving everyone, wanting to be friends with anyone etc. In some situations it's not being kind, it's being stupid or even not being a good person. Once again... offering someone friendship after he openly dissed your friend and you see that he's not in any position to talk back is not kind. Or if someone cheats on you constantly, but you always forgive them it's also not you being kind. It's you being stupid. Sometimes you have to be harsh. It's for the greater good.

And like I saw several times stuff like someone under scenes where Rin has his eyes for Haru only, commenting like "oh great, look at Rin being inconsiderate of Sousuke's feelings again. Can't believe you guys find this romantic." I mean, if in their opinion Sousuke is in pain from being Rin's friend, he can end it, it's his choice. It's not Rin's fault that he thinks of him as just his friend. So thinking that Rin is an asshole bc each time he simply hangs out with Sousuke he's a selfish bitch is fucking insane. I'd feel extremely bad if my best friend was seeing it this way for example. It's like hella ugly.

This annoys me also bc of the fact that Rin, the person who at the age of 12 single-handedly saved his family from falling apart after his father's death, who's an amazing friend to Sousuke and did everything to make his happy after he found out about his trauma and always checks on him first and cries about his shoulder, who in the late evenings taught Rei to swim, when everyone else gave up already xD, who was looking after Nitori during his training, who pretends to walk the same road, just because he's scared to let Gou return alone in the evenings, the most amazing son and brother, is suddenly an asshole just because Haru is in love with him, but not with Makoto. I mean, thats just... huh? Like I dont mind you ship what you want to ship, it's like to each their own crayons for real. But like dissing them and call them selfish just bc they only see their friends as friends and don't want anything more is weird to me.

As for the fact that bc of the misunderstanding they don't deserve to be happy, that's just idiotic. I mean, lets punish Wei Wuxian and Lan Zhan too just bc Lan Zhan couldn't voice his real feelings back then and bc WWX misunderstood him. Lets ship WWX with Wen Ning instead. Nezumi is cancelled, he doesn't deserve to be with Shion. He left him. Takano should stay with Yokozawa, Onodera is trash. Wu Xie is trash for wanting to be with Zhang Qiling too. It doesn't matter why he leaves, it only matters that he always does. I can't believe he doesn't see that Pangzi is there with him all along xD. What an ungrateful trash of a human being I can't even.

And anyways btw both Rin and Haru are not ideal human beings in any way (otherwise I wouldn't love them this much tbh xD). But their flaws are definitely not what for example mh shippers usually blame them for. You can argue about their other imperfections easily. Like being stupidly stubborn for example. I won't point fingers here, Haru lolz. Or literally anything else.

My point is you can find what to trash them for logically, if you wanna. Do it smartly tho. Otherwise you make your ship look bad.

And I once again say what wise person said about his relationships and about the fact that not being able with someone he loves hurt him and 'why is he doing this to himself' he answered: "it's not on him. my happiness and my pain is for me to handle". Everyone decides for themselves. This is why for example Haru was so broken about voicing this to Rin and didn't have any intentions to tell him that in the first place. Bc it's not right, if you're not sure that it's requited. Technically he has no right to blame Rin for making him fall in love with him and then leaving in the first place. It's not Rin's fault really, that he made him feel what he feels for him, it's ultimately Haru's problem. That's why he feels has no right to blame him in the first place. I mean, he doesn't know that Rin feels the same, that means saying to him "you break my heart each time you leave" and making him feel bad about it is technically wrong. That's why Haru to himself said "no, please, don't say such things to him". Everyone for himself decides who deserves your 5, 7, 800 or 10000 years of your pain. It's your decision. It's your life. If Haru feels like Rin is worth it, then you have no say in that matter really. The only reason we call Rin an idiot or Haru an idiot is because we know they feel the same, so we can. But blame someone else for not feeling what you're feeling is not right.

So like even if you feel like Makoto and Sousuke have feelings for their friends, blaming Haru and Rin for having feelings for each other and not for them is beyond weird. And there's nothing wrong with putting someone you love first, every bro/sis gets it. You can say bros before hoes all you want, but like Lan Zhan might just drop his bro for his hoe, if he was given a choice. Would it make him a bad person? The fact that Wu Xie chose to save Xiaoge before Pangzi makes his a bad person? My point is it's not all that easy.

I just feel like many ppl in this fandom are very weird about many things. Either because they do not get what it's like to go through some things or maybe they just do not get that no matter how cheesy this sounds love is not that simple. I mean, for example not all selfish is bad, sometimes like in Haru's case for example not being selfish is also bad. Bc if he finally asks for what he wants, he will make both himself AND Rin happy.

To be angry at Rin bc of the aftermath of his father's death and s1 I never had it in me, after knowing everything and how adults handled it. If some of Sousuke's fans bc of Yakusoku and the fact that Rin found his salvation in Haru bc he helped him to move forward after getting his family out of this hell alone and that Haru was the safe haven that made him happy in this moment of his life, want to trash Rin for the fact that he "neglected" Sousuke, its like your opinion. I personally do not get it. Rin doesn't owe Sousuke anything. It's not his fault again that Haru's existence helped him to feel better.

Just like not everyone will get why Haru in 1x12 was so happy about the fact that he could help Rin. To be that special somebody for someone who can "save" you in moments of your life like this, especially if you love them is an incredible feeling. And no, your bestie isn't always the person for this job, no. I don't see why people do not get that I guess, that's all. But we all have our own opinion on everything, so...

We same as you do not get it since forever, but its like it is what it is in this fandom. I personally just have another life position on stuff, so I'm very far from that point of view they have.

#answered #anonymous #rinharu #harurin #free!#nanase haruka #rin matsuoka

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