#so its just kinda a lot of angsty stuff i hope thats acceptable ����

[jackass-jones]

One of my new creative things to try is making character playlists and I have no clue how long these things are supposed to be or what I’m doing 👍

[snickiebear]

yo nadia <3333 i'm bored in my online classes and u reblogged the questions thingy at the right time lmao, so get ready: 1, 4, 5, 9, 10, 17, 23, 24, 28, 30!!!, 34, 38, 39, 40 (the intimacy of being understood) (imma stop here lol) (also i'm sorry u're not feeling well, ily and hope u'll feel better soon!! <33333)

ELE ILY. (and thank you, i’m stayin home today cause,,, yeah. i appreciate you sm.) you’re the literal best, i adore you. 

1. How long ago did you start reading fanfiction? Writing fanfiction?

The first fanfiction i read was for The Lunar Chronicles when I was like 11?? and it was 100% on accident and it scarred me because it was a hardcore porn one with a period kink and i was like WHAT IS THIS??? OH MY GOD???? LMAOOOOO i didn’t pick it back up until i was 13-14 and really got into the Fairy Tail fandom. I still reread my favorites on ff.net cause i love them. 

As for writing, I wrote a horrible, terrible x-men fanfiction when I was twelve. (my friend still brings it up and REFUSES to delete it so it still gets comments and views, that shit HAUNTS ME ELE.) then tried again for Fairy Tail, posted like two chapters before taking it down cause i wasn’t really feeling it. And then I posted The Intimacy Of Being Understood and here we are. 

4. Link your three favorite fics right now.

OMGG okok 

@murd3rm1ttens ‘s The Problem How Time Works IF YOU HAVENT READ THIS YOU GUYS NEED TO HOP ON IT ASAP. MITTEN’S WRITING SO SO SO SO GOOD. SAKURA AND INO ARE TOTAL BADASSES. KAKASHI IS A SIMPPPP. ITS SO FUCKING GOOD. 

@mouseymightymarvellous ‘s We Were Screaming In Color (Only A Possibility) yes, yes I KNOW. i always point into mousey’s direction but i WILL always advocate that everyone reads her fics, they’re literally so beautiful???? i just happen to be rereading WWSIN rn 

@safelycapricious ‘s Shaking Up And Breaking Down series. I found this like?? idfk but i’ve been raving about it ever since. ALSO CHECK OUT THEIR FICS IN GENERAL. 

fuck i have more than three but also check out @ambivalens999 ‘s Masks

i do wanna make a fic rec thing where i just rav about my favs,,, might do that later or sum

5. What are your fanfic pet peeves? Do they have a huge effect on whether or not you decide to read something?

Omniscient third person. I don’t like it. Like I can understand that it can be a little hard to stay in one person’s perspective but, in my opinion, if you can, it shows how disciplined you are as a writer. Plus, i just get so confused when I go from A’s thoughts to suddenly what B is thinking about A. 

When writers use ‘ ‘ instead of “ “. When writers put thoughts in ‘ ‘ instead of just italicizing them. It’s small things but like they just bother me sO MUCH. most of the time i can ignore it and try to enjoy but other times i just dip. 

9. Tag 3 fic writers you think are underrated/unknown in the fandom/fanfiction community.

@espoir-et-reves !!!!! THEIR SHISAKU FICS ARE SO SO SO SO SO GOOD. And they have a warring states one going on THAT I AM SO OBSESSED WITH. 

@writer168 idk if they’re really “underrated” but THEY HAVE SUCH GREAT FICS ON AO3. Like theres an AU with sakura, kiba, and shino that i reread constantly because it just. is. so. fucking. GOOD. and they posted a new one that i’m YELLING about. 

@eggtoasties okay they only have 2 in the naruto fandom (one shisaku which is still ongoing) BUT THEIR WRITING STYLE IS SO NICE?? I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. I still go back and reread their shikasaku one cause UGH i can’t get enough. I love it. 

10. What’s your favorite fandom, pairing, or character to read fic for?

Fandoms: Naruto, Soul Eater, The Old Guard, ATLA

Parings: KakaSaku/ShikaSaku/ShiSaku/MultiSaku, SoMa, Joe X Nicky, Zukka

Character: SAKURA. I will read anything with Sakura as the main character and her being a fuckin badass or becoming a badass. I love her.

17. How obsessively do you sit and stare at your fic after you’ve just posted and wait for feedback?

aha.. haha.. well. I check my email like three times an hour. its the first thing i check in the mornings too. I’m literally a whore for praise and literally eat up feedback like its going out of style. I also reread a lot of my stuff because i make so many mistakes and spelling errors, or the spacing is weird oR SOMETHING. plus, literally any and all comments make my day, i go back and reread them cause they just make me feel so tingly and warm like “wow. this person enjoyed the fic/my writing enough to tell me. thats HUGE!”

23. What’s your absolute favorite trope to write?

Angry, feral, bloodied, morally gray women. They aren’t bad guys, they’re probably the good guy, but that doesn’t mean they cant be fucking raging at the world with raw knuckles and blood on their teeth. I just love an angry woman who struggles with her emotions and just has so much inner conflict but that doesn’t take away from her character or badassery, it adds to it. 

24. What’s a trope that you’d like to never hear about as long as you live, let alone write?

The fake dating or miscommunication troupe. LIKE GUYS JUST TALK. AND TELL EACH OTHER OMFG. the entire like obliviousness of “nah they dont like me” while the They holds their hand and kisses their cheek. MOFO WHAT. it makes me so impatient and like mad HAAHHAHA. its probably because i’m a pretty confrontational person so seeing stuff like that just “cmon bro, USE YO HEAD.”

28. How do you deal with writing pressure (ie: pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc)?

I have yet to receive a negative comment! Which i was really surprised about tbh. As for deadlines or pressure to update, i just kind of do whatever. I do set goals, but i set them flexible enough that hey, if i can’t do it, that’s okay. 

I have a lot of mini goals, like “i want to write this chapter and get it done this week” and then the large goal is “FINISH BY END OF MAY” so i have time. 

Actually, now that I think on it, the entire pressure to update thing is probably why i’m waiting until I have all of OL&W written to post it weekly,, cause well. I wouldn’t wanna leave you guys waiting as I tried to write and work out the next chapters and stuff, you know?

30. Post a snippet from your current WIP without context - no more than 300 words.

AAAAAA YOU KNOW I LOVE THESE AHAHAHAH

Have you seen the way the dead dance, World Breaker? They roar, half mad and starving. Do you not wish, do you not hope to see them twist and bend and dance to your will?

Shikamaru snarls, looking behind his shoulders to where his Shadows lay. “Patience.” He spits. “Is of the essence, Things of Ancient. Know your place as the dark you are.”

34. How much of yourself and your life experiences do you put into your writing? What do you think your readers’ image of you is?

None of my experiences match up to anything I write tbh,,, probably the only thing that is me in my writing is maybe the emotional turmoil? I’m pretty emotionally and mentally mature because from a pretty young age i started forming my own opinions, started looking into the world around us and being like “dude what the fuck this is not what disney advertised”. Then i started talking (read: arguing and debating) with my dad about a lot of it. So, like emotions are kind of hard for me. Like i’m pretty good at controlling them or understanding them, but still. idk its hard to explain ig.

Like the weight of stress, the anger, the sadness. It’s kind of therapeutic to write. Cause i don’t know how to put those feelings to verbal words so writing them really helps. 

As for my readers’ image? Probably like some kind of hunched over figure typing away in the dark with a maniacal grin on their face. I honestly don’t know AHHAHAHA but it is fun to think about. I think they’d see me as someone with potential but a lot of room to grow and someone who is imperfect but in a charming way LMAOOOO

38. What does your writing process look like? How chaotic is it on a scale of 1 (very tame) to 10 (you can’t handle this kind of chaos)?

I’m gonna be real honest. Its probably like a 2. I’m a bit of a control freak so I almost always go in chronological order, my writing is pretty linear. Unless, i get bored and jump to one of my fav parts. It's pretty much i sit down, i open the doc, read over my notes and just start writing. 

It’s a little boring to explain AHAHAHA but once i get into the groove of things its really fucking great, I can like feel myself in the world, I can feel what i want the characters to, i love it. I catch myself mouthing the words as i type too, which i find hilarious.

39. What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

I rather like how raw my writing is sometimes. Which might sound really vain, but i do like the way i word things or describe things. I love juxtaposition and repetition, or making a good ole circle back to some minute detail that wouldn’t stand out until i repeat it at the end and you’re like “omg” AHAHAHAHA.

Like those little poetic snippets or certain wording i just sit back and go “damn thats kinda good nadia! go you!’ HAHAHA  

40. How did you come up with the idea for The Intimacy Of Being Understood?

AAAAA this fic is like my first child, my pride and joy LMAO

so the idea initially came when i was reading some fic, idk if it was even naruto, but i was like “i don't like this, but i do like the rain symbolism.” And I knew i wanted to write something kind of slow paced, something a little sad and angsty, but would show KakaSaku slowly but surely falling in love.

Idk if you’ve noticed but a lot of my fics, the pairings don’t change each other dramatically. They accept each other as they are and then they grow with together. Like that acceptance is something i just love writing, its so subtle, it isn’t something you declare. Its simply “I am going to love you. I am going to love you despite your flaws and faults. I am going to love you unconditionally because I know you, I understand you, and there is nothing you could do to drive me away.” 

The fic kind of wrote itself after that first scene. I kept going back to the rain, go being ghosts, and resurrection, and the small epiphanies one gets. I wanted to focus on each character’s growth with each other. They didn’t find light in life because of each other, but with each other. And i think that’s my favorite thing about that fic. 

I wanted something raw and real and just something beautiful. I’m actually really proud of it tbh. Would i go back and rewrite/edit it? Oh of course! I’d do that with every single one of my fics, but i’m not gonna cause i think its in its rawest form right now. :))))

ask me shit plz

[oyesmendes]

I'll be there

a/n: I got this idea a while ago and I've really been sitting on the fence for it, but since you guys asked, here it is. grab a snack, tissue and lots of emotions. if you're feeling down or you need an ear to hear you our, my inbox is always open and im here for every single one of ya beautiful humans. xx ash

warnings: mentions of death, hallucination, angsty and kinda sad 

“Shawn?..Shawn I’m so sorry baby, Riley is gone…” He let out another choked sob, his mother only able to comfort him through the phone. You stood there in front of him ready to catch him if he fell, which he did and you had him in your arms in seconds. The phone smacked straight down to the floor and he completely broke in your arms. You squeezed him as tight as you could, whispering into his ears softly.

“Shh, its okay I’ve got you gorgeous, I’ve got you” once his breathing evened out, you picked up the phone on the floor, surprised that Karen hadn’t hung up on Shawn. Instead, she still was behind the phone breathing softly into the speaker. Shawn had his head buried into your neck, tears rolling down his face uncontrollably

.“Hey Karen..”

“How’s he holding up?” A soft sigh escaped your lips as you massaged Shawn’s scalp with your free hand. 

he’s broken. “He’s okay, for now at least. We’ll be on the next flight back.”

“Alright sweetheart, take care of him for me okay, I’ll see you both when you’re back” Karen hung up and the dressing room was once again filled with silence. The crew had given Shawn the privacy that he needed when he received the call, so the room was only occupied with you and a broken Shawn in your arms. You pushed Shawn away from your chest, cupping his face in your hands. His eyes were bloodshot, cheeks puffy and read as he breathed heavily. Tears couldn’t stop flowing from his eyes and you wiped them off with your thumb every single time. 

“Shawn… why don’t you go sit on the couch over there? I’ll talk to Andrew about the flight and we’ll get out of here as soon as we can” it wasn’t an option for Shawn he knew, so he helped himself up hands still intertwined with yours as he curled up into a couch way too small for his frame. You planted a kiss to his forehead, and watched him stare off into space as the light in his eyes slowly faded. 

Riley was shawn’s best friend. They  had been best friends ever since they could remember and you loved the boy too. He was the kindest, biggest sweetheart of all time but bad things happen to good people. Last week as Riley was driving up to Toronto to stay over at yours and Shawn’s apartment, he was met with an accident as his car had slipped on some black ice on the road.

-

“Riley has what?!” Shawn shouted over the phone as you placed your hand on his knee. Shawn shot up immediately, grabbing his keys and you followed suit behind him. he tucked his phone into his pocket, immediately grabbing your hand and pulling you along with him. 

“he’s he's been in an accident..” was all Shawn managed to say as you both stood in the lift. you slipped your arm around him, taking his car keys and driving the both of you safely to the hospital. it felt too surreal for you, the tubes, the bandages and beeping machines. but the doctor said he would be okay, which gave Shawn enough assurance that his best friend would survive and that Shawn could continue touring. 

- 

so Shawn trusted Riley and he left for tour. 

He’d been in the hospital for a week now and doctors were optimistic until this morning when Riley quietly slipped away in his slumber. No explanation, nothing. Riley just left and that has left Shawn in the state that he is right now. 

“Andrew, we’re going to need to fly out as soon as we can” you said, watching the older man, click something on his laptop. He turned the screen over, nodded as you looked at him.

“Go, go pack and get to the airport. I’ll have Jake and a few others take you guys there for better security.” You nodded, hugging him tightly before heading back to the dressing room. Shawn was still in the same spot, but he stopped crying now only a pillow hugged tightly in his arms. You picked up his stuff one by one, shoving it into his backpack before doing the same for yourself. You grabbed shawn’s hand and he followed as if he were a three year old being taken around by his mom. He slung his backpack on his back, and intertwined both your hands together. Andrew had Jake take your luggage out of the tour bus, and he was waiting out front for the both of you. the ride to the airport was silent but shawn’s hand never left yours, even on the 5 hour flight home. 

-

“Shawn oh my goodness, I’m so sorry baby I really am” Karen hugged Shawn tightly and once again started the tears from his eyes. Manny and Aaliyah took you in for a hug too, settling the both of you down in Shawn’s old room. He was in the middle of the queen sized bed, knees brought up to his chest as he buried his head into his hands.

“Why?” He croaked out, the first words Shawn had ever said since the news. You stopped unpacking his clothings and sat right at the edge of the bed. 

“Some things happen for a reason baby, this being one of them” you reached out to rub shawn’s arm and he shook his head. 

“No, why aren’t you crying? Are you not sad?” there was a hint of anger in his voice which made you frown. But you understood where he was coming from. This was one of the 5 stages of grief that you were all too familiar with - anger. And that you shouldn’t take anything Shawn says to heart. So you didn’t, and you continued to rub his arm comfortingly, hands tracing his tattooed arm. 

“I am, I am devastated Shawn but one of us has to stay strong and I’m doing that for you” you pressed your forehead against his. and that was the truth. Your whole life you’ve been grieving — your dead pet fish, your grandparents who passed on one after the other, and your brother who went to the military and died in war. You knew how this works, you knew Shawn needed that lighthouse in the dark in order for him to stay alive. That’s how it was for you every single time, the people around you kept you sane, kept you out of it from wanting to join those that had left. But Shawn didn’t understand this, he couldn’t understand how you were not crying, how you didn’t look like you were in pain. So he pushed you away. 

its the grief, its the grief you repeated to yourself multiple times, hoping that some how or rather, your mind would choose to believe it.  You placed the pyjamas at the end of the bed, and kissed Shawn on the forehead before leaving the room.

“How is he?” Aaliyah asked as you shut the door softly. You shrugged your shoulders, taking her in for a hug so tight, you felt slightly better again. 

“He’s grieving, thats all” you said, ruffling the younger girl’s hair. She nodded linking arms with you as you headed downstairs to the kitchen to make yourself a much needed coffee. Turns out, Karen and Manny has already beaten you to it, an iced coffee sitting on the counter with your name on it.

“You okay?” Manny asked, sliding over a glazed donut to you which you gladly accepted. 

“Yea I’ll be okay, I’ve been there before” you mumbled under your breath, and both Shawn’s parents and Aaliyah nodded their heads, engulfing you in a family hug. the warmth that they all needed, the slightest hint of hope that this wasn't as bad as they felt like it was. 

-

You were dressed in a black long-sleeved dress and if Riley was still here you could hear him say that it was nice and fitting, and you look amazing. You shook your head bringing yourself back to reality as you checked on Shawn in the bathroom. He had his signature black jeans on with a black button down, the one Riley “hated” to see Shawn in because it got him more looks in the club than he did. You sent Shawn a small smile in the mirror as he styled his hair and as you reached forward to touch his hand, Shawn pulled away immediately leaving you behind in the bathroom. he had been avoiding you for the past week and you knew it was the anger and feeling of hopelessness boiling in his bones so you constantly reminded yourself,

it’s part of the grieving, it’s part of the grieving.

as you arrived at the church, your breath hitched as it reminded you of all the past memories that came flooding back. You tried to push them out of your mind shaking the thoughts away as you walked beside Aaliyah and Shawn. A figure of your brother smiling at you would appear in one corner and your grandparents in the other such that it all felt too real. But you kept going. This was Riley’s last goodbye, it was you paying tribute to him, not about you and your thoughts. but the worst part about this was that you couldn’t hold shawn’s hand, or tell him about any of this because he was in pain. So you took a deep breath, and sat down in one of the pews with his family. Like all funerals, this one was solemn too, mentioning how great Riley was, how he had left an amazing legacy behind and that he was taken away too soon. You gulped when you saw another image of your brother in your mind along with all your childhood memories, and your hands trembled slightly on your thigh. Somehow Karen managed to notice this, and she had her hand in yours, gripping onto it tightly. 

When the service ended, Shawn immediate slipped out of the pew to Riley’s parents, leaving you by yourself. you felt the pang in your chest once again but you quickly ignored it, turning your attention to the Mendes family and to Riley one last time to say goodbye. You dropped a white rose into his coffin where he laid to rest, whispering a soft goodbye before leaving down the aisle with Aaliyah. Your hand was in hers as you walked, but when you saw a figure of your brother in front of you again, that was when you lost it. You stopped right in your tracks, yanking Aaliyah slightly. She turned, seeing your face as tears streamed down your cheeks. You knew it was all a hallucination, that whatever you had seen in the hours before was not real but the sight of your brother in his signature jeans and tight fitted white shirt had you breaking down. The thought of losing the people around you - Shawn in particular just came to you like a tsunami. your hand clutched your chest as you let out racked sobs, and soon enough Karen had wrapped her arms right around you. 

“It’s okay baby girl, you’re safe here with me, I’ve got you” Karen whispered softly into your ears. 

“I- I see him- brother… my brother I miss him. I dont want to lose Shawn- I’m sorry” you managed to choke out, and Karen just rubbed circles on your back. 

“Shhh, its okay you’re not losing him honey, I have you baby girl”

Shawn, who was still oblivious to it all, had been dragged by Aaliyah to you. “Liyah, please stop dragging- mom? Y/n?” He stood there in shock, taking in your puffy lips and tear stained cheeks. You shook your head, unable to face the man who was supposed to be there for you, just like you had been for him for the past week. You let your legs carry you as far way from him as possible, black heels hitting the ground under you as you went round the church over looking the city. You let out another sob, calling out for your pet fish, your grandparents, then your brother and then Shawn. 

“I’m here, I’m here” a strong pair of arms wrapped around your waist. You leaned back, still crying out and apologising every few seconds. shawn let you apologise, but still shushed you every few seconds when your voice got louder and more broken. Shawn spun you around so your chest was pressed against his his hot breath on your forehead. You leaned your body on to him, too exhausted by everything. 

“Why didn’t you tell me anything?” He asked, hands smoothening out your messy hair. 

“I told you, one of us has to be strong for the other…” you let out a small smile, brushing your fingers on shawn’s cheeks. He clearly had been crying too, the tear stains and bloodshot eyes evident on his face. “And having gone through this many times before, I’m used to being the strong one. Its just that this time I saw you in pain and yet you kept pushing me away so I couldn’t do anything. That, that hurt and it reminded me so much of myself and my ex when my brother left. I thought you were going to leave me to. And my brother, I saw my brother today…” you continued, keeping your head down. Shawn tilted it right back up so you looked him in the eyes, his hazel brown orbs looking right into yours. 

“I’m sorry babe, I promise never to push you away again” he engulfed you in his signature bear hugs, squeezing you so tightly in his arms. “I promise I’ll be there when you need me, I promise I won’t ever leave you, y/n.”