#so im putting them in a jar in a hot car for 3 days-

[carbuckety]

weezer coffee shop au

thank you ford and antonio for coming up with this with me on call

-there is a giant hole in the ground behind the counter

-brians the only customer

-pat spends all his time in the back room vaping on his phone

-the only time he leaves is when matt and rivers come in there to fuck

-rivers and matt are the only ones doing their job like ever but its mostly matt because brian comes in to flirt with rivers and rivers doesnt like him . so like matt will come out and make his drink and rivers will go hide in the back with pat and pat is like hey do you want a hit of this and rivers is shaking in the corner like im high on lif e .

-and ric (their manager) has put up a bunch of anti smoking signs around bc hes sick of pat just vaping in the back room all the time so rivers starts quoting them to pat and meanwhile brian is like looking behind matt and is like Where river…… and he gives matt his number to give to rivers and matt either just shoves it Into his drink while brian is watching or he gives it to rivers who gives it to mikey

-mikey is the new hire who keeps burning his hands on like Everything so they cant really trust him to make the drinks also he comes into work on ecstasy like every day and he thinks brian is really cute and brian does not really know he exists but rivers hands mikey the slip of paper whenever brian writes his number on it and mikey jsut kinda treasures it but he cant type it in because he dropped his phone in the hole

-one time brian brings a girl to the coffeeshop and theyre all mostly confused that brian dates women. but brian makes a long ass gay order and the girl orders like. one thing. and then brian turns his pockets inside out and a cartoonish fly is all that comes out and hes like Oops! guess you have to pay instead ^__^ and the girl is mad and thats the only date he ever has there

-mikey keeps almost tripping in the hole while matt and pat and rivers move around it with the grace of trained ballet dancers

-pat is ostensibly manning the drivethru and thats why hes never in the front and ric is mad at this but cant exactly stop him. but theres never anyone at the drivethru because as previously stated the only customer is brian who keeps spending shitloads of money there because he wants to take rivers home

-matt doesnt like serving brian bc brian will be like Well you have to do it like this because i make it at home and its like this and matt is justlike Uh ok then make it at home and brian is like Where river

-one time rivers is actually serving brian and ric is like Upcharge him. make him buy the brownies no one is buying the brownies theyre going stale and rivers doesnt really get it so he rings up brians order and then looks around nervously and is like okay…. thatll be ummm. two thousand dollars. and brian goes okayyy ^__^ yayyy . and he drops an extra ten bucks in the tip jar and winks and is like that ones for you hot stuff! and rivers goes . okay

-karl is like ric's nephew or something who he brings in to get work experience and karl is mostly only interested in watching the guys work so he ends up just driving rivers around because matt took his license when rivers locked mikey in the car after work and made him play HOLY SHIT WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE. and now rivers makes karl drive him on his lunch breaks and looks out the window and wistfully sighs and is like I hope the car crashes and we all fucking die and karl is swerving across like 3 lanes of traffic and going ok rivers yay rivers ❤️ and they drive to the panera where green day works

-matt finds a better job somewhere else so they have a whole going away party and everyone is normal and then as soon as he leaves rivers goes beserk and is like OK EVERYONE CLEAN UP NOW. MIKEY FIX THE HOLE

-scott never comes in because he keeps calling in with more and more outlandish reasons why he csnt come in and one day hes like My wife got shot and ric is like Okay im calling bullshit but thats the one story of his he can verifiably back up. his wife got shot

-jason is an ex employee whos not even on the payroll anymore but when matt doesnt feel like going to work rivers texts jason and is like Jjason pleasse i dont want to look at brian today.and then they also end up kicking pat out of the back to make out crazystyle even though jason has a gf

-the au comes to its logical conclusion when one day brian tries to get behind the counter to "show" rivers how to make his coffee and he falls in the hole and fucking dies. and hes the only customer so they have to close now. but before that mikey also falls in the hole and rivers is like Ohhh nooo where did mikey go so he calls matt to see if he wants to come back to the shop and matt is like I can hear mikey on your end of the line hes fine just pull him out of the hole and mikeys like Yyeah im.fine rivrs can you pull me upplease and rivers is like Noooo i think hes dead