#so if noah could come over and drag me out of this pit i'm in that would be great!
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n.s. | if i'm there
π C:/PROJECTS/MYWORK/ONESHOT/IFIMTHERE [projects] οΉ [my-work] | in-progress | favourites γοΉ all | series | [one-shot] | blurb | head-cannons | ask γγοΉ fear-of-failure | nightmare | never-just-friends γγγ stay-til-morning | new-neighbour | [if-im-there]
ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
βπ’π°ππ¬π§ππ¬ππππ₯πββγπͺπ―π·πͺπ΅π¦π΄ πΊπ°πΆ π΅π° ππ©π¦ ππ³π€π©πͺπ·π¦!+γγ[π¦π―π΅π¦π³ πππ―]
ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
I didn't want to believe how much you needed help / And I just left you to be all by yourself / And now I wish I had seen that you weren't doing well / But I just came back to see how hard you fell Well, if I'm there to catch you when you fall / You'll have a friend down in Hell after all γγβ If I'm There - Bad Omens
summary: when things start getting bad, you withdraw. ignoring calls and texts, and descending into bad habits as you self-isolate. but noah knows what you're like and he loves you too much to let you suffer alone.
content tags: angst, emotional hurt/comfort, poor mental health, mentions of disordered eating, discussions of food, self-destructive behaviour, fluff.
word count: 3.8k.
note: having a rough time recently so enjoy the self-indulgent product of my stressing. γγPS: please tell me if the layout of this post is fucked up so I can fix it for you.
Things are getting bad again. You find your sleep schedule sliding later and later, falling asleep in the early hours of the morning and waking in the afternoon, bypassing the day altogether. Meals are becoming infrequent and poor in quality. Appetite dwindling and opting to eat half a bag of microwave rice at 3am rather than dedicating time to creating a nutritious and satisfying meal. Truth be told, you didnβt have the energy to cook anything more, and the malnutrition itself likely played a part in that lack of energy. The trash was left to build up, and the laundry hadnβt been done in weeks.
The progression of all of this was gradual. So gradual, that by the time you recognised what was happening, it was all but too late to stop the rapid descent into your depression. And as the days go by, you start to withdraw into yourself. Messages from friends begin to go unanswered. You tell yourself youβll reply later, when you have the mental bandwidth to engage in conversation. But later ends up being not at all. Too many days have passed, and you feel like itβs too late to reply now; you donβt know how. That includes your boyfriend.
γγγγγγγγγγγ[Noah π]
γγγγγγβγγγγγTuesday γγγγγγγγγΒ γγ10:45AM
β Morning! Do you wanna call later? βββMiss your voiceΒ
ββββββββββmorning! I have a headache β ββββββββββββright now and I feel like it's ββββββββββββnot gonna go away :( I'll let βββββββββββββββyou know though. ββββββββββββββββI miss you too β€οΈ β
β Aw I'm sorry :( β I hope you feel better soon β Text me later and let me know βββhow you are β€οΈ
γγγγγγγγγΒ γγ02:27PM
β Hey babe how are you feeling?
βββββββββββββmy head still hurts :( β
β Want me to come over and look βββafter you? β Have you eaten yet?
βββββββyou don't have to do that, I'd be β βββββββββββshitty company anywayΒ Β Β Β ββββββββββββββjust wanna sleep β
β Okay :( β I'll text you later tonight so βββyou can sleep
γγγγγγγγγΒ γγ10:09PM
β How are you feeling? β Are you sleeping? β Hope youβre resting well. Text βββme when you wake up so I know βββyouβre okay β I love you β€οΈ β Goodnight β€οΈ
γγγγγγβγγγγWednesday γγγγγγγγγΒ γγ08:41AM
β Morning, howβre you feeling?
γγγγγγγγγΒ γγ09:13AM
β Are you awake? β Babe, are you okay?
ββββββhey! sorry I was still asleep. I feel a β ββββββlittle better but my head still hurts :(
β Iβm gonna cancel today and come βββover β I donβt want you to be alone when βββyouβre not wellΒ
βββββββno donβt do that, iβm okay really β βββββββββββββyou know this happens βββββββββsometimes. I just wanna rest, βββββββββββyou donβt have to cancel for βββββββme. not when work is important
β Youβre important too β Please let me look after you
ββββββββββI love you and I love that β ββββββββββyou want to be here for me, ββββββββbut all I want to do right now ββββββββββββββββββis sleep
ββββββββββI donβt want you to cancel β ββββββββββimportant schedules just ββββββββββto watch me sleep all day βββββββββββββ
ββIβll feel better soon. ββββββββββββjust need to give it time. β
β Iβd cancel to sit and watch you sleep βββin a heartbeat β I love you, I just want you to be okay β I have to go, Iβll text you later okay?
βββββββββIβll text you back when I can, β βββββββββββif I donβt reply Iβm probably βββββββββasleep so donβt worry have a βββββββββββββββgood day I love you β
γγγγγγγγγΒ γγ10:26PM
β Hey babe sorry I didnβt text all day I βββwas so fucking busy β Howβre you doing now? β Are you sleeping again?
γγγγγγγ[MISSED CALL: 10:31PM]
β Text or call me when you wake up, βββeven if itβs the middle of the night Iβll βββleave my sound on β I love you β€οΈ
γγγγγγβγγβββγγThursday γγγγγγγγγΒ γγ08:41AM
β Hey, are you awake?
γγγγγγγγγΒ γγ08:55AM
β Hello??
γγγγγγγ[MISSED CALL: 08:59AM]
β Message me when you wake up
γγγγγγγγγΒ γγ12:20PM
β Babe?? β Iβm worried β Even if you donβt wanna talk canΒ βββyou please let me know youβre okay?
γγγγγγγγγΒ γγ12:46PM
β Babe please answer me
γγγγγγγ[MISSED CALL: 12:48PM]
γγγγγγγγγΒ γγ01:20PM
βββββhey, sorry I missed your messages β ββββββββIβm okay sorry for worrying you β
β I was just about to come over β I still might β Iβm worried about you
βββββββββββplease donβt I just donβt β βββββββββwanna see anyone right now
β Even me?
ββββββββββββββββββIβm sorry β ββββββββββββIβll text you tomorrow β β If thatβs what you want β I love you
γγγγγγγβγβββγγγFriday γγγγγγγγγΒ γγ03:47PM
β I donβt want to bother you, IβmΒ βββtrying to give you space if thatβs βββwhat you need β But Iβm worried about you β You havenβt messaged me all day β Did I do something wrong?
γγγγγγγγγΒ γγ04:10PM
β Babe please answer me
γγγγγγγ[MISSED CALL: 04:12PM]
γγγγγγγ[MISSED CALL: 04:15PM]
γγγγγγγγγΒ γγ04:18PM
β Your friends said they havenβt heard βββfrom you in days β Whatβs going on? You can talk to me. β You donβt have to talk to me if you βββdonβt want to but text someone back, βββplease β I just wanna know that youβre okay
γγγγγγγ[MISSED CALL: 04:23PM]
And thatβs how Noah ended up outside your door. Banging incessantly and shouting your name through the wood. You could hear him from where you were wrapped up in bed, but you were half hoping he would just drop it and go away. Realising quickly, however, the futility of that hope when you heard another voice join the sound of his. That of your neighbour, the nosy one from the house on the right.
You groan and throw the blanket off yourself, flinching a little when your feet touch the cold floor. You have no choice but to go downstairs, and no time to change your appearance. Hoping to whatever God will listen that Noah doesnβt make a comment on the clothes youβd been wearing for the past week before you can get in the shower and change.
βIβm just really worried about her,β you can hear the unmistakable tone of Noahβs voice through the door before you even open it.
Hesitating for a moment with your hand on the door handle, you decide to eavesdrop on the conversation. βI havenβt seen her for, ohhh let me think... has to be about a week now,β despite the manβs voice wavering with age, it came loud and clear through the door. An unfortunate side effect of his hearing loss.
βA week?!β Noah exclaimed. Having enough of the old man sticking his nose where it doesnβt belong, you unlock the door quickly, wrenching it open and taking a surprised Noah by the arm.
βOh! Nice to see you, dear. Itβs been a while, hasnβt it?β The old man sneers.
βYeah, nice seeing you, Trevor,β you barely extend him a glance as you drag Noah in through your doorway, slamming the door closed and turning the key. You let out a deep sigh, your palms and forehead resting against the cool wood.
Noah calls your name softly. You squeeze your eyes tight and take in a breath before you turn to face him. Putting on the best phoney smile you can muster.
βSorry about him, heβs always in everyoneβs business. What are you-β
βHe said he hasnβt seen you in a week,β he says matter-of-factly. Thereβs no hint of a smile on his face. βYour friends said they havenβt heard from you in days either, and youβve been ignoring my texts. And calls.β
Your heart seizes at the sadness in his eyes. He stands there in your front room, his usual sweatpants and hoodie, but he just looks so defeated. You always tell him he looks like an upset puppy when heβs sad, and the puppy-dog eyes are working overtime on you right now. βI told you, Iβve just been busy, and I-β
βAnd you had a headache, and you missed my texts, and you didnβt want to talk,β his voice was as stern as his expression. You knew he wasnβt an idiot. That thereβs no way heβd believe yourβat bestβflimsy excuses. You stand frozen to the spot, fiddling with the edge of your sleeve. Picking at the stitches, trying to distract yourself from the lump forming in your throat. βArenβt you going to say anything?β Noah questions.
You swallow roughly, βI donβt know what you... I donβt-β
He says your name firmly and takes a step towards you, βIβm going to ask you how you are, and I would like you to answer me honestly.β
Feeling your heart begin to race in your chest, you swallow again, but it does nothing to get rid of the tightness in your throat. Or the dizziness creeping up on you.
βAre you doing bad again?β He sounds softer this time, and you almost wish he would just scream at you because when heβs kind and attentive like this, you canβt help but crumble and shut down.
You clench your jaw as your breathing gets quicker, shallower, and you feel the unmistakable burn of tears in your eyes. βIβm fine,β your voice comes out cracked and weak, not at all the sound of someone who's fine.Β
βDonβt pretend youβre okay. Please donβt lie to me, because I know youβre not okay!β Noah crosses the room to meet you, holding his hands outstretched towards you, βwhat can I do for you? Please, I want to help.β
You cover your mouth as you choke back a sob, wrapping your other arm around your middle; you canβt hold it in anymore, and the floodgates open. Gasping for breath that seems to never come, you grip the front of your shirt tight in your fist, the clothing suddenly feeling suffocating and stiflingly hot.
βOh, baby. Come here,β Noah takes you by the shoulders and pulls you into his chest, where you fall into him and cling onto him like heβs your only lifeline. βI need you to breathe for me, okay? Slowly, in and out,β he strokes soothing circles against your back as he demonstrates to you how to breathe. βCome and sit down here, yeah? The couch is right here.β
You barely register your legs moving for the numbness extending across your entire body, from your fingertips all the way down to your toes. Your tears are hot on your face, and every time you try to wipe them away, theyβre just replaced by more in a never-ending stream. The room feels like itβs spinning around you as you move, only worsening the feeling of nausea rising in your throat. The plush cushions of the couch are a welcome relief.
βYouβre holding your breath, I need you to breathe. Just how I am, thatβs it,β he cradles your head to his chest through your shaky attempts to take in a breath through your nose and let it out slowly through your mouth. Your breath hitches uncontrollably with every inhale, taking in tiny bursts of air at a time. Noah, though, has nothing but praise on his lips: βThatβs it. Youβre doing so well, just listen to my voice.β
You missed his voice. As you worsened and withdrew, you found any excuse to avoid going out to see him, and you had been ignoring his calls for days. You knew you were doing it, and you missed him desperately, but with every day that passed, you found it harder and harder to reach out. It was hard for you to reach out for help in the first place, hard for you to admit to anyone that you needed help. Hard to admit it to yourself. Opting instead to suffer in silence and just push through it until you finally broke. You didnβt know any other way.
The familiar presence of him by your side eases the pace of your racing heart, allowing each breath to come a little easier. A little calmer. βI hate to see you hurting like this,β he whispers into your hair, his hand stroking through it gently, working to soothe the seemingly unquenchable anxiety. βI want to help you, please let me help you.β
It broke your heart to hear the pain in his voice. You never wanted to hurt him, but thatβs all you seem to do. That cold hand of dread tightens its grip on your chest again, panic filling your lungs and replacing all the air. βIβm sorry,β you barely choke out, gripping onto Noah tighter. Warring with yourself, wanting to hold him close, but feeling like you need to push him away.
βYou donβt need to apologise, ever. Iβm here, Iβm right here,β he runs his hand up and down your back, cradling you close. He canβt help but notice that through the fabric of your shirt, the bones of your spine are ever so slightly more prominent than before. He keeps his mouth shut. Focussing instead on quelling your distress and holding you tight in his arms.Β
βI just- I fuck everything up. I canβt do anything right, I donβt deserve your love, I donβt deserve you-β Once you start talking, you canβt stop, finally letting it all out until Noah cuts you off, incapable of hearing you degrade yourself anymore.
βNo. No, thatβs not even remotely true. Donβt say that about yourself,β he says firmly, holding you just a little tighter.Β
You shake your head against him, βall I do is hurt people and push you away, and I donβt know how to stop. You donβt deserve that, you shouldnβt have to put up with me.β
βI donβt βput up with youβ. I love you, and I want to be here for you. Whatever you need, whenever you need it.β
βYou shouldnβt have to drop everything to come deal with me when youβre so busy. You deserve someone that isnβt so fucking hard to love.β
With that, Noah pushes you backwards by the shoulders, holding you there so he can look into your eyes when he speaks. βYou are not hard to love. Loving you is the easiest thing Iβve ever had the privilege of doing. You justβ¦β He takes a deep breath, cupping your cheek and brushing away the tears from under your eyes. βYou just need to let me in, and let me show you youβre just as worthy of love as anyone else is.β
The image of him blurs when the tears overflow from your eyes again, your face crumpling as you bow your head. βYouβll leave me," your voice shaking with the force of your sobs.
"Why would you ever think I'd leave you?" he asks, dismayed by your fear.
"Everyone always leaves," you tell him, voice brittle and quiet, shaking your head. "It's only a matter of time before you leave too."
"I love you," Noah feels tears prick at his own eyes. "I love you so, so much. And I'm not going anywhere." He lifts your head, once again brushing away your tears so he can look into your eyes, "please trust me to help you."
"I'm just so tired," you confess, and he pulls you into his arms again.Β
βI can't promise to fix all your problems, but I can promise you won't have to face them alone. Thereβs nothing you could do that would drive me away. And the things that would, I know youβd never do,β he runs a comforting hand through your hair as you cry, his other arm secure around your waist. Your tears soak into his shirt, but he doesnβt mind. He wants you to give it all to himβall your sorrows, all your griefβso that he can bear it with you.
You desperately want to believe his words. To lean on him when you need him the most, but that insecure piece inside of you wonβt let you yield. You donβt know how to open up to anyone without feeling like a burden.
Noah stays right there with you until the tears subside and your breathing evens out. Your head resting in his lap as he reassuringly strokes your hair, you feel the beginnings of a dull ache in your head that makes you drowsy. He rubs soothing circles into your back with his other hand, shifting slightly to get a better look at your face. βHave you eaten yet today?β He asks tentatively. Feeling your throat constrict under the pressure of guilt, you know you canβt lie to him. You know he sees right through you, so you decide to try being honest by shaking your head. βWant me to cook something for you? Or we can order something? My treat.β
You know he means well, but you donβt know how to say you donβt have an appetite without worrying him. He wonβt let you go the entire day without eating, but all you want to do is sleep.
βPlease talk to me,β he pleads, βI need to hear you.β
On a shaky breath, you settle for a half truth. βI donβt think thereβs anything to cook.β
βThatβs fine, we can order food then. What do you want?β
Chewing on your lip, you freeze. The silence stretches on far too long for you to be deciding what restaurant to order from, itβs clear youβre unable to answer.
Noah sighs your name, βyou have to eat something.βΒ
βI know. I justβ¦ I just donβt want to,β he remains quiet, waiting for you to continue. βI donβt feel hungry. Thinking about it is overwhelming. I just want to sleep so I donβt have to think about it.β
βWhat have you been eating these past few days?β He asks cautiously, his tone light. Conscious to not sound accusatory.
You sigh, knowing thereβs no way of escaping this. βMicrowave stuff, mostly,β you play with the fabric of his sweatpants, feeling his leg underneath, fidgeting your anxiety away. βRice, oats, ramen. Stuff I donβt have to wash up after.β
βHave you been eating every day?β
The question hangs heavy in the air, the tension only thickening when you answer "no,β barely above a whisper.
You feel him nod. Quiet for a moment until he too speaks so quietly, you almost didnβt hear it. βYou canβt go on like this.β
βI know,β you confess.
βPlease let me help you.β
The desperation in his voice is what does itβthe final straw. You sit up straight, turning to face him. Wiping the residual tears from your cheeks and looking him in the eye. You know itβs time to really be honest.Β
βItβs hard for me-β Your voice catches in your throat as the threat of crying again creeps up on you, not quite realising how much your body would resist. Taking a second to compose yourselfβa deep breath in, eyes closed, releasing it slowlyβyour resolve strengthens and you continue. βItβs hard for me to open up to people. To admit when Iβm struggling. Iβm so used to feeling like Iβm burdening everyone with my problems, so I just keep it all to myself. And by the time I realise Iβm going down that road again, itβs too late to stop it.β
βItβs never too late,β Noah says reassuringly, tucking both sides of your hair behind your earsβthe left first, then the right. βI mean this in the most loving way possible, but you donβt get to decide whether youβre a burden. You donβt get to take that choice away from me. The choice to help you. Your problems will never be a burden to me, no matter how big or small. You will never be a burden to me. I love you. I choose you. And Iβll never think poorly of you for needing help, ever.β
You donβt know what to say. Your eyes fixed on his. One of your favourite things about him is his big brown eyes. Always so full of comfort. So full of love that even you, with all of your self-doubt, canβt deny it. βIβm sorry. I know you said not to apologise, but I think I need to. Iβm sorry for making you worry and for pushing you away. Iβm sorry for hurting you.β
Noah takes your hands in his. Large palms enveloping your own entirely. βSeeing you hurting is what hurts me the most. I love you so much, all I want is for you to be happy and healthy.β
You squeeze his hands in yours, βI love you, Noah. Iβll try harder, I promise. Feeling so unwanted for so long before I met you, I think I didnβt realise just how lucky I am to have you until now.β Noah raises one of your hands, kissing the back firmly and holding it there, savouring the feel of your skin against his lips. Timidly, you ask, βcan we get pizza?β
He breaks out into a smile, βof course we can! But you have to text your friends back first," he bargains, "even if itβs just something short.β
βDeal,β you canβt help but return his smile. βMy phone is upstairs, Iβm just gonna go get it.β
βWait!β he calls as you stand, pulling you back to the sofa and into him with a hand on the back of your head, βcan I kiss you first?β
Without a word, you lean into him, closing the gap between you and feeling his lips on yours for the first time in weeks. That familiar burn of tears threatening to escape your eyes returns, and when you pull away, those beautiful brown eyes are full of concern.
βItβs okay,β you reassure him, laughing awkwardly, βhappy tears. I just missed you so much.β
βI missed you too,β his smile taking on a more solemn appearance this time. βBut Iβm right here. Iβm not going anywhere. I love you, please donβt ever forget that.β
βDonβt forget that I love you too. No matter what happens. No matter how stupidly self-destructive I act.β
Noah pulls you in for one final embrace before letting you retrieve your phone. You spend time texting back each of your friends, apologising for your absence and telling them you were okay, that Noah is here, and youβd explain more later. Noah, sitting at your right, creates your pizza order, periodically asking what else youβd like adding.
The two of you spend the night watching trash TV, settling into your usual comfort and hurling insults at the characters for making stupid decisions while you eat your food. Only realising after it arrived just how hungry you really were. And when youβre finished eating, Noah and you head upstairs.
You feel like a new person after you shower, coming out of the bathroom to find Noah relaxed against your headboard. The sheets on your bed changed, and a fresh set of clothes lay waiting for you to change into for bed.
Accepting finally how much lighter everything feels when someone is around to help you. You slide under the clean sheets, comforted by the warmth of Noahβs body beside you for the first time in too long. And just as you fall asleep to the sound of his heartbeat and the feeling of his hand stroking your back, youβre determined to never let things get this bad again. Knowing you need to trust him, because trust is the foundation of love, and you love Noah with every fibre of your being. And despite how hard it is sometimes, you need to let him love you back.
βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
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#so if noah could come over and drag me out of this pit i'm in that would be great!#noah sebastian#noah sebastian x reader#noah sebastian fanfiction#noah sebastian fanfic#bad omens#bad omens cult#fluff#angst#C:/PROJECTS/MYWORK/ONESHOT#C:/PROJECTS/SEARCH/TAG/ANGST#C:/PROJECTS/SEARCH/TAG/FLUFF#C:/PROJECTS/SEARCH/TAG/EMOTIONALHURTCOMFORT
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