#so if i don't get accepted to that one it'll make my choice easier i guess

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

.

[grymmdark]

i applied to 2 campuses of the same university, and one of them would be much better for me academically and socially, but i wouldn't be able to get myself to and from there which fuckin sucks. like if it wasn't for the fact that I'd have to rely on my dad to drive me to/from there it'd basically be my dream school. however i wanna have some amount of independence and that's slightly more important for me than academics are

[unhappy-last-resort]

What Lovers Do (Yandere Roland x GN Reader)

Warnings: non con, implied past non con, smut, no mention of readers genitalia, implied bondage, penetration, use of lubricant, slight spoilers for future chapters but if you don't know then you can't tell

A/N: I started this at 4 AM this morning, apologies if the writing is a bit stiff I kinda wanted to get something quick out.

As always, constructive criticism is welcome and I hope you enjoy.

Status: Edited

"Then...can you tell me if I'm performing or being genuine right now?" The question was thrown at you with a chuckle and a certain glint in his eye, like he was a gambler about to win a bet. That should have been your first warning to say no, or better yet say nothing at all.

"I think..." It was less of a thought and more of a hope at the time. "You're being genuine." You spoke softly, as though you might shatter something if you spoke too loud despite your silly costume and unique setting. The maze you had cleared together now behind you, faux flower petals gently danced in the air above you. Despite the mechanoids of Constellia lacking a complete understanding of human aesthetics and choices, their imitation of them never failed to impress you.

In return, Roland gave a hearty laugh as he closed the distance between you two. "Is that so, Babylonian Commandant?" He reached his hand up and before you could stop him, you were stripped of your Sharksphere-esc head, leaving your face in his full view.

He held your chin gently, yet firm enough to hold you in place as he leaned in close, "Since I'm being genuine, why don't we commit ourselves to one another and do something only lovers do?" He whispered with a small smirk that barely contained his excitement.

While you had momentarily forgotten the differences between constructs and humans, but Roland was quick to remind you as he pulled you towards him, his other hand going straight to your crotch causing you to gasp and swat his hand away, which he ignored in favor of teasing you with his fingers.

"Roland, wha-"

"Shhhh...." He hushed you gently, as if he was consoling an upset child. "It's alright, just follow my lead and everything will be easier." You tried to push him away to no avail, it felt like you were trying to push a wall. Your struggling meant nothing to him as he held you tightly enough to keep you in place, but not so much that it was painful.

Despite yourself, you could feel your body responding in kind to his deceptively gentle touches and the occasional fleeting kiss on your skin as he whispered little words of praise or comfort to you, steadily drawing you into your first unsteady orgasm of the day.

Which led you to now, your costume and pants stripped from you and his artificial cock buried deep inside of you as he held you pinned to the floor, his black coating making him look like a wraith among the sea of pink and purple hues. It was so swift that you hadn't the chance to process what he was doing before your eyes widened and a stilted cry left your lips at the sudden intrusion. His faint scent of roses making your head spin as your walls spasm around him, struggling to adjust to him.

"Shhhh, Mon Chér it'll feel better soon, just wait." Roland held your cheek, making you look into his heterochronic eyes. One the color of the color of the sun and one the color of blood. Both looking at you almost sympathetically, had it not been for the subtle glee in his eyes you might've believed that sympathy to be true.

Before you could muster a reply, he very gently thrusted into you. It was clear now that he had slipped a lubricant on you amidst your earlier distraction of his insistent kisses as he removed your pants, easing your walls into accepting the stretch as each inch slowly sunk into you.

"This isn't..." You shut your eyes tightly as he slowly thrusted into you again, more lubricant this time than the last quickly turning the initial pain into pleasure. "This isn't what lovers do."

Roland raised a brow, his hips pulling back only to steadily push into you once more, reaching deeper with the help of the lubricant as you heaved an unsteady sigh. The sensation wasn't as painful as you'd hoped. "Isn't this what lovers do in a place like this?" Another drag of his cock easily had your body relaxing against the colorful floor of the venue. Empty chairs watching you both from a short distance away.

"They'd say their vows and consummate their love, ensuring they always love one another until the end of time?" His hold on your wrists had a grown a little tighter as a squelching sound filled the silence between you. You could feel arousal heightening your senses and making your body receptive to his actions despite you wishing it wouldn't.

Roland smiles sickeningly sweet as he leans in, your faces mere breaths apart. "You want this too, I can tell." He whispers before placing small kisses on the corner of your mouth. You take in a breath, about to protest before his eyes narrow slightly and a sudden thrust of his hips takes your breath away and leaves your mind buzzing with pleasure.

He kisses your face a few times, humming in satisfaction with your silence as he sets a steady pace inside you. Each thrust making his tip hit that place that had you seeing stars. If you didn't know any better, you would say it was almost with practiced precision, like he knew every inch of you better than you could ever hope to know yourself.

You can feel the smile on his lips as he decorates your neck with kisses, his iron grip on your wrists never once loosening. "You know, I was surprised when you contacted me." He whispers breathlessly, lightly nipping at your skin as your unsteady breaths turn into squeaks and moans. "I was certain this was a mere trap, or something so important it had left you desperate to achieve your goal no matter who you had to do it with." At that moment, a chime sounds and the doors leading to the exit of the maze open and all you can do is stare at it through glossy eyes as pleasure hits you like a wave with every thrust of his hips.

Roland chuckles again as he looks down at you, a gloating smile playing on his lips as he watches you fall apart, your human desires overtaking any protest or fight you might've had. "But when I came here and found out that you were simply naive enough to seek company from your enemy, well..." He drifts off, as his hips start slamming into yours with something that mimicked reckless abandon yet lacked the recklessness, being more akin to something designed for squeezing every little bit of pleasure out of you. "I couldn't help myself. How could an actor like me resist such an interesting plot?"

You jerk suddenly, your eyes seeing white as an orgasm crashes into you, leaving you dizzy in its wake as Roland's thrusts don't slow down or stop for a second. "You are such an interesting human. Like a blooming flower on a battlefield, I can't help wanting to pick it up and keep it for myself." He whispers with an edge, each brutal thrust of his hips making you writhe underneath him as your pleas are reduced to senseless babbling.

He leans in, your foreheads resting against each other and in this moment his expression falls away into something softer, almost loving. "We spent so much time arguing amongst ourselves, but seeing you like this makes everything we've done worth it." His voice sounds soft and raw, like a confession whispered only for his ears.

"C-can't...what..." Roland smiles and cups your cheek with his hand, freeing one of your wrists now that you can't struggle. His thumb brushes your bottom lip and it sickens you how genuinely happy he looks, his eyes full of adoration as the gentlest smile plays on his lips.

"I love you so much, you have no idea how many nights and days I spent on this Earth yearning for something to truly call mine." His pace becomes faster, any embers of your sanity fading with each slap of skin as the body heat of the construct above you rises. "And now, I can finally say..."

He grunts, his body shuddering as his eyes snap closed, a growl reverberating in his chest as he struggles to hold something back. "I can finally say..." His voice module strains as he arches into you, his cock somehow reaching deeper as he places messy kisses along your neck before he brings his face back up to yours again.

"I love you." His whispered words can barely register before his lips crash into yours, his eyes open to drink in every expression you make as he moans into the kiss. Your hips instinctively buck up into his as something hot coats your insides, he gives a final thrust to make sure you take every last drop of what he has to give and the sensation is enough to make your back arch as your second orgasm takes you.

He kisses you again and again, barely letting you breath as his other hand abandons your wrist and settles to hold your hip instead. "You have no clue how long I've wanted this to be true. Even if this is just a dream, or a play, I'm tired of playing to the audience's whims." He sounds ecstatic and desperate as he wraps his arms around and lifts you up as he slowly stands with cock still buried inside you, as if his previous orgasm meant nothing to him.

"Where are..." You slump against him, your head resting on his shoulder. You could barely speak, only just now having been given the privilege of breathing as you're vaguely aware he's walking, colors and light shifting around you in a blur.

"A proper place to continue our act, of course." He says as if it's obvious and kisses your forehead. "I'm not done yet." You're vaguely aware you're indoors again, a small living space greeting you, or perhaps you always were and you were too tired to notice.

"I hope this is to your taste," Roland says with his usual bravado. "Because we'll be here for a while." The bedroom door opens, revealing a bed illuminated by surrounding candles and the glitters of chains tied to its bedposts.

[4dkellysworld]

How do we drop thoughts and habits though? Lester doesn't really give a detailed answer on that and the Sedona method is more on letting go of feelings and emotions. For example I want to practice this by first letting go of the habit of always ordering takeout. I don't have any emotions attached to it, but I want to drop it because it's a bad habit and I can't control it. I tried letting go of it by just deciding that I've let go of this habit but I'm unsure if that's how you do it. Nothing really changed after I did that, but it might have been because I wasn't sure if it'll work.

I know you said you'll come on once a week so I'll work on letting go of feelings and emotions until you get back lol. I feel like most of my thoughts come from habits and tendencies, and even desires so I want to prioritize working on those

I'll answer this before I go back to my hermit cave for the next week or so :D You can start practicing witnessing for this. So maybe you aren't ready to practice witnessing the whole day but at least use the things you want to drop as a cue to witness in those moments. The same steps to dropping a habit can be applied to anything else but if there's any other clarity you want for the other things, feel free to send another ask later.

You let go of a habit by letting the urge to act on the habit to come up and not reinforcing it. Let the urge come up and let yourself feel whatever it is. Remember it is just a feeling and you don't need to act on it. You can choose to not act on it, it's always a choice. Ask yourself, if the body is a car, who is in the driver's seat: you or your mind? You don't need to act on anything the mind says/thinks/feels if you don't want to.

Don't judge or resist its appearance, allow it to be there and accept it for what it is without identifying with it, feeding it with more thoughts or acting on it. Simply just observe it as an unaffected witness. Allow it to be there and it will dissipate on its own. There's no need to make it go away as that only reinforces it more with resistance and keeps it there. Just keep doing this whenever the urge comes up and it will dissolve on its own when you stop giving it reality.

The other way you can go about this (maybe in conjunction to above practice) is Lester's way. You can take responsibility for this habit and ask yourself why this habit exists. Using your example here, why do you want to keep ordering takeout? What is the underlying reason for the desire? If you are simply hungry, why not the food at home, why not get groceries and cook at home instead? Really dig deep, maybe there is some underlying belief that can be dropped and if you drop that, the whole habit might be gone. But if there's none and it's just an automatic response you've gotten used to over time, then witnessing alone should be fine for it.

Give these practices a try and let me know how you go in the next week :)

Here is something from Lester that might be helpful too:

We can always take a small habit and begin changing it. The moment we do that, we are doing away with a bit of ego and therefore the drive in us for the Self becomes a bit stronger. To use this method and to suffer under it is wrong! If I am a habitual smoker, I say “Well, I'm not going to smoke.” And it just bothers me to no end. I would be better off smoking than going through a constant trouble, struggle and negativity of thought of wanting and not having it. It would put me down rather than up. But when I start with small habits such as taking a different street and doing away with it, then I find out that I am capable of breaking a habit. And each time I break one habit it's easier to break the next, then someday I can attack the smoking habit.

[dramatisperscnae]

kyle's first moments as ion in the hand of god arc. i know it's a difficult one, i knkw.

[Send me a scene from my muse's canon to rewrite from their perspective || accepting]

There's so much. So much sensation, so much knowledge, so much power. It nearly ripped me apart, almost did, until I realized.

One is all. All is one.

It's strange, falling back to a line from a manga, but it's also somehow fitting that something so small supports something this huge. A perfect representation.

One is all. All is one. I am a part of everything, and I am everything, everywhere, all at once. The power left behind, growing, recovering, rebuilding in the sun…it feels so natural now. Like breathing. Effortless. Reflexive. Who I was is gone now.

Gone, but not forgotten. He's still here, inside; the old Kyle, unsure and worried, trying to live up to a legend he barely knew. He'll always be here. And that's a good thing, I don't want to lose him. I shouldn't lose him. But he's not who I am now. Green Lantern isn't who I am now. There's another name, a new name, rising to the surface. A name that fits me better, fits what I've become better.

But I should get home. Jen's worried about me. So are the others. I can see them from here; it's strange, how easy that is, how effortless. But I can see them, before I'm even back inside the Earth's atmosphere, let alone back in New York or on the roof of John's building. They're worried. And shocked.

I can't blame them. I would be, too. I was, before I took this power fully. Before I harnessed it. Rode it. Let it fill me the way it always should have. They're not sure what to make of it, either. Hell, I'm not sure how to explain it to them.

So I won't. Not really. How can I, when there aren't words that exist yet to describe what happened? What's still happening? What I am, now? Nero claimed he'd be a god, but that's…that's not what this is. I'm not a god. I'm still a man, I'm still me, I'm just…more, now. I can hear more, see more, do more than I ever could before. It's incredible. And acting on it, using that knowledge, is so much easier than it ever was before. It's like this power I hold wants to help, and I'm just here to guide it along. To be a conduit, not a wielder.

They're scared, when I land. Unsettled. I still can't blame them. The last man to hold this power wasn't exactly the poster-boy for righteousness. No offense, Hal, but even you will admit that's true. It'll take them time to come around. To understand that this is different. That I am different. I'm not trying to use this power, except the way I used to use my ring; I'm just directing it.

It wants to help, to be used, and so I will. I can feel where it needs to go, where I need to go, and there's so many places, but that's not a problem. It's just multitasking. I'm there, where I'm needed, and I'm here where I'm needed too. It's incredible. It would almost be overwhelming - it is overwhelming, a little - except for the mundanities of work. My art, the deadlines I need to meet, food, coffee…they'll keep me grounded.

I'm glad Hal showed me the choice I had, but I know I made the right one. My life as Green Lantern was rough, sure, but worth it. My life as Ion is only just starting.

[the-devil-less-known]

Songs to Write my Muse!

whether it be melodies that give you inspiration for your muse or songs that get you into the writing mood ━ pick 10 songs you find to give you the urge, the drive, or the creativity to write for your muse !

(these aren't in any particular order)

1. take me back // kongos

So, this song holds a special place in my heart (as do a lot on this playlist), and the rising desperation and plea that catches in my throat, when I sing along with this song makes me think of him, crying out with no answer and trapped in the dark, grappling with the hopelessness and inevitably of never being heard

2. cure for a loner // gingergreen mashup

Also heavily resonates with me, the feeling of rising stress, trapped in a fog and overwhelmed as the world goes on and time slips by, this- disconnect of putting on a show of happiness while inside feeling so hollow, and it coming across a bit manic, like a jester in a circus pulled by strings; isolation would be so much easier, safer, better... Everything's too much, but there's no use for it, the show must go on

3. moth to a flame // swedish mafia + the weeknd

Man, I'm just telling on myself at this point, haha; but this one is Lilith to Lucifer; more specifically about anyone he gets close to, and his guilty thoughts about what she would say if she were to find out that he was trying to move on. That desperate attachment and the pain it causes him, to stay alone or try to let go, trapped in limbo and aching... and it being by her grace that anything good happens after, that guilt of betrayal even after being discarded; and never being enough, an amusement that can be useful

4. forgive the world // nessa bennett

It was a hard choice between this song and another one by the same artist (dying on the inside) since they were some of the first songs I listened to that made me think of him; not having any control, desperate to hold onto the people around him, not wanting to be discarded, willing to do anything, it makes me think of his relationship with Charlie and how it hurts to hold on while she drifts further away into what feels like assured death, but needing to maintain the illusion that nothing is wrong, not wanting to burden her or chase her away like Lilith with his dark emotions and history

5. brave // josh groban + peter hollens

A message to both himself and often to Charlie when he was younger; to stay hopeful, brave; I used to play this song often when I went out on late night runs on my grandparent's farm, it kept me strong when everything felt like it was falling apart, and I can see him comforting himself with this

6. fix me up // a firm handshake

So, I couldn't just put the whole album on here, so kept it to just two... But I knew the singer when he was alive, I used to go to school with him when I was a child, and his music left a mark that won't ever leave me; fix me up is about saying goodbye, that nothing will ever change, and there's no saving, but even so to offer comfort... Lucifer cannot die, he will never be free, and there's no consolation for it... But it's alright, it'll be okay, don't cry for him, it can't be changed, so it's okay to accept it

7. sandcastles // a firm handshake

I'm getting emotional here, haha, but this song was definitely something sang to comfort Charlie, helpless to do much else, not even able to promise heaven someday... But isn't nice to dream? Of an Eden? Of a true paradise, someday, to reunite together when all is said and done? It.can never be so for him, but... if there was such a place, it would be in his heart where her memory would rest, everything for her, so don't cry, please, he is here

8. lies // halsey + quavo

Lucifer and Lilith core again, I feel like my heart's being ripped out haha,, the lie was always better than the truth that he could feel coming unstoppably, like a train coming down the tracks, the inevitably, but give him a lie, just one, let him live in the lie if nothing else; he knows his use is running out, she's getting tired of him, but he can't let go...please... tell him lies, let him believe in this lie

9. tired // emily finchum (anne october)

The eternal exhaustion, unable to stop the pain welling up like a fountain and tears flowing out and out, there's nothing left, nothing... left but the ennui of existence that will never end; don't worry, he's just tired, it'll be fine; just fine...

10. the highwayman // loreena mckennet

This one rises the feeling of helplessness and still wanting to fight, even if the end will always be in tragedy, the build up makes me want to scream and struggle, but I know how it ends, it will always end, but left helplessly enraged anyway and that's how Lucifer feels to me, haha, it hurts

11. simmer // hayley williams + violet orlandi

One extra for y'all because it was really genuinely hard to settle on just ten, and I could NOT leave this one out by sheer nature of Lucifer's temper, and how it's barely restrained beneath the surface, buried in his grief and hopelessness, but, but when it comes to anything to do with Charlie that might cause her further harm (Alastor) or with Heaven finding out what she's trying to do, it rises up, blistering and hot, it may be inevitable but like Hell will he let it happen sooner than it must, simmering simmering always, furious

(but these are just the songs I narrowed down and agonized over, haha, honestly anything by a firm handshake, marina and the diamonds early albums, some select songs from halsey and billie ellish, and a bunch of other random songs by various artists if people want, I'll share his playlist)

Tagged by: @radioiaci

Tagging: @gabriel-eveningstar , @brokendreamscreation , @ask-husk-anything , @charliechasingrainbows , @hellborn-princess , @e-m-p-error , @maidsavagery

[thessalian]

Thess vs The Beginning of the Holidays

So, the actual performance review.

First thing I got was: "Oh, no, you shouldn't have filled in your parts of the appraisal form during non-work hours! Take that time at the end of the day!" Thus my break before the little bit of overtime has begun twenty minutes early.

Yeah, basically, no end of thanks for all the work I've put in the last few months. The discussion of "This is taking a toll on my physical and mental health" did come up; he does recognise that I am doing myself a bad. So he was entirely on board with sending me a weekly update of what the staffing situation looks like as far as he can tell, so at least I have something to use to moderate my workload, and there was mention of "getting a couple of temps in". I gather they haven't done that yet because they did just move to a new office and there are apparently a few teething troubles, which would be a bad environment to move a temp into. Also we may be getting at least one of the regular staffers back after the holidays, so that's something.

Beyond that, it was the usual "I will accept the 'exceeds expectations' from my managers because my expectations for myself are unreasonable" thing. My willingness to help out, my attention to detail, my communication, and the general quality of my work all got praised. I apparently excel in all areas and am a credit to the department, and they would not be without me. Which I figure is why the "We'll be getting temps in when we get the office sorted out, so we don't kill you". Not to mention the hardware thing. Because most times, it'll take forever to get a request for new hardware through to IT, and management will try to cheap out if they can. Scruffman and Head Honcho, however, are going, "Seriously, if there's anything you need - anything at all that will make your job easier - please, please tell us and we will get it for you. You don't even have to come in to pick it up; we'll courier it to you!" So I am valued. They just don't have a lot of choices right now.

Of course, they could make Temp and New Girl work a little harder, but that's Scruffman's non-confrontational thing and I don't think we're getting that fixed overnight. Though I have to wonder how their performance reviews looked...

Anyway, quick trip to the corner shop for snacks, and then a little bit of overtime (because the girls were slacking again today), and then I will sit down, roast myself a chicken leg, and watch one of my Christmas-gifts-to-myself - I bought myself Repo! The Genetic Opera on DVD. And then maybe video games, if the pain meds kick in and I stop feeling like death warmed up. But hey, at least I have various warm fuzzies, what with good performance review and friend really enjoying the birthday gift I got them and getting to turn off the alarm for a whole week.

It's the little things.

[ryndicate]

Quick Commissions!! Fund my anime addiction!

TLDR; taxes are fucked and so am I </3

Ok it's not actually funding my addiction. So long story short, apparently(?) the tax forms changed last year and I didn't notice the change until September,,, which meant I went 9 months of the year without paying anything into taxes. I didn't think it would be this bad but now that I've filed, it turns out I owe a laughably high amount and i have until July to pay it back :')

There's no way I'd be able to pay it off on commissions alone so I'm doing little comms to help offset my spending and make it easier to put money towards the debt.

The categories are more for cuteness than they are what I'm actually going to spend them on. Won't lie, it'll probably be going into my food budget or paying for my gas.

ㅤ   ㅤㅤㅤ     ㅤ ㅤㅤ ꘏ Blog Rules Apply ꘏

  ㅤㅤㅤㅤ꘏ Fandom/Characters I will write for ꘏

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Buy me a blind bag clip — $10

1k-1.5k drabble, all content types are acceptable but this category will be best quality for sfw/suggestive due to limited length

But if you're not looking for a lot of background info and just want something horny, I got you.

Buy me a manga — $15

2k drabble/ficlet, preferably nsfw/dc

Buy me a little figure — $25*

3k-4k fic, nsfw/dc

* Price will mark up to a discussed price if the length passes 4k

Buy me a BIG figure — $60*

7.5k is the max, will not be less than 6k.

* This category is DC only because for me to commit to something of this length, it needs to be something that aligns closely with my interests or I'd worry about getting it done and actually being quality work.

Alternative Commission Options!!

Buy me an actual coffee — $5

I will write you a quick little coffee date/meet cute with a character of your choice! around 500 words

Sponsor a WIP* — $20

Let's say you want to help out but don't really have an idea in mind,, I'll send you a list of my drabble/ficlet wips for you to browse and whichever one you pick will be placed on a higher priority list for me to write and will be dedicated to you!

* Any of my series updates and longfic wips will not be available for this option, sorry!

To request your commission!

Fill out this form! I'll contact you from whatever blog name you provide either from here or my main (@darlingsanzu) and we'll talk a little more your desired price and prompt to make sure I understand what you want and we'll go from there! (Payment will process either through Kofi, or directly from PayPal.)

I will try to be as timely as possible :) starting with 3 commissions, but every time I finish one I'll update the availability

I will be putting as much love as I can into them, like I do with all my writing, but dark content is the winner of my heart so that's where you'll really get the most of your dollar :3

Donations are also okay if you are just that super sweet kind of awesome, here's the link to what I am affectionately dubbing my little cookie jar. Rewarded with nose boops and kisses!

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[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

I cant remember if i already sent in an ask, but i dont know what to do. Seven months ago, my dad relapsed back into his alcoholism. One night he got drunk, left my mom in an empty parking lot where my brother and I had to pick her up, and when we got home he had trashed all her things and threw her stuff out onto the front steps. It isn't the first time he's done this, my whole child it's all I can really remember him doing, but for awhile things were okay. Once he saw us though, he was an animal. He attacked my brother and they fought and we all had to pin my dad down while he screamed he'd kill us all. Once we thought it was okay to let him up, he lunged for my mom and my brother took the hit and they fought again. I had to call his brother, my uncle, to try and reason or stop him.

He nearly starts fighting my uncle, breathing heavily and his eyes just wild. I remember staring him dead in the face while he threatened he'd put a 40 in our skulls and kill us. That night we grabbed what we could and slept at my uncle's. The next morning, he felt guilty and apologized repeatedly but I blocked his number and refused to speak or see him. I still live at home though, meaning I'm still in a way in contact with him.

I'm done. I can't take it anymore, and what's worse is I'm alone in this decision. My dad is by no means a perfect person, I'm not either, nobody is. But this was too much and I've made my choice. My mother keeps trying to convince me to heal and accept my dad because he's an addict and given different circumstances, if I had an addiction or eating disorder, they wouldn't just abandon me right? But it's not the same, it really isn't.

I do have an eating disorder, I have CPTSD, I'm in pain and have been for a long time but I handle it and it's not something I let them see or know. What's his excuse. He's been abusive, manipulative, vile, and I can't forgive him.

I guess recently my dad had a small heart attack, and who knows maybe he'll die soon. But I don't feel anything about it. There's no anger, no sadness, no rage, just nothing. Maybe I'm in shutdown. Regardless, I'm not sure what's right anymore. I'm going to be saving up to move out, and if I don't have enough then I'll live in my car. He can kick me out for all I care. I can't stay anymore, not here.

Rent is insane where I live, I'm not sure how long it'll take for me to save or if I'll even achieve this goal, but I need to do something. Everyday gets worse and I can't keep waiting for another bomb to go off, or for my mother to comfort me by saying "the bomb is okay, accept it." She asked me to go a therapy session with her you know, mother daughter therapy. At first I agreed but after what she said today, she can forget it. Even after all this time, she doesn't understand. She never will.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. There is absolutely no obligation to forgive him. It's reasonable to resent him even if his behavior is related to substance abuse or whatever other excuse is given. Even if someone adequately takes accountability for their actions (which it sounds like he doesn't) you still don't have to forgive them, and it doesn't mean you aren't allowed to still feel hurt. It almost sounds like your mom is an enabler. You've seen a long pattern of violent, threatening, and hurtful behavior from your father, and so it makes sense why it's so hard to be convinced that he's something better. It's okay to not worry or even grieve if your dad passes away, especially in context. Do consider that if these violent episodes continue, it may be necessary to call the authorities, though it can definitely be easier said than done.

Although I completely understand your reasons for not wanting to go to therapy with your mom, being able to speak with a therapist could potentially help you a lot in processing these experiences and your feelings surrounding them, regardless of whether or not your mom benefits from it. It could be an opportunity to meet with that therapist individually as well, and they may be able to see the situation for what it truly is.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions feel free to add on, otherwise I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[the-missann]

~Writeblr Introduction~

So, I'm not good at introductions. However, I've done this before, so maybe it'll be easier now.

Hi, I'm an aspiring writer who wants nothing more than the world to have a favorite character who actually looks like them. Being an introvert; I usually write stories about loneliness, isolation, anxiety and longing. My usual genres are YA, Romance, Fantasy, Supernatural, Adventure, and recently I'm getting into Comedy, Sci-fi, and Satire.

I try and make my stories very inclusive. I showcase my characters in a way where they're not liked for their ethnicity, but you like them and they just so happen to be a POC.

I'm also teaching myself to draw.

I wouldn't say I have WIPs when most my stories have more the 30k+ words, but I'll tell you all about a few I'm working on.

A little BG before that, just so there's no confusion. I have a very big universe I've built where I follow my one MC, Cassie, through several different reincarnation stories.

The Demonic Repentance

Genre: YA, Romance, & Supernatural

Akuma is a Demon tasked with fixing Hell after the ruler ruins it with his selfish desires. Having no other choice, he goes outside of Hell in order to find a solution. Instead of a solution he finds an Angel.

This is probably the most edited and actually finished stories of mine.

A Collection of Short Stories: Quiet Girl

Genre: Comedy

When it comes to talking, Cassie finds it to be too much work and opts to think instead. Plus, with ten guys who never leave her alone, it is just a bit better to stay quiet and leave a good impression.

Cassie ventures through her twenties as she tries to live through adulthood while also trying to keep her heart beating every time she sees someone she likes.

This is a Harem story that's more crude than it is overtly sexual. Just adult jokes more than anything.

The Makings of a Love Story

Genre: YA & Romance

After dealing with her first break up, Cassie struggles to return to herself, leaving herself open to yet another relationship much too soon. However, this new relationship isn't anything like her pervious one and has the chance to be better for her, if she learns from the past.

I'm currently having writer's block with this one.

Kingdom of Bumalia

Genre: Fantasy & Romance

The turbulent history of a long lost kingdom. The True Blood within the family is untouched by Lower Blood, until one prince is born. He wants nothing more than his kingdom to prosper and takes a risk unlike his ancestors.

I'm reworking this, so I technically finished this years ago, but it's horribly written by my standards now, lol.

A Fourth Dimension Reality

Genre: YA, Comedy, Satire, & Sci-fi

What happens when you live somewhere you don't belong? Those feelings of being alone and thinking you're the odd one out are over with when you realize you do belong on Earth.

However, Larson and Cassie don't. Being from another dimension is the tie that keeps them together while navigating the strange reality they were stuck in.

This is by far my favorite story, I've written close to 100k words and I'm not sure when I'm gonna actually end it.

I have lots of other stories that are nearly done, but I dislike writing endings because 1. I suck at them and 2. That would mean ending my story and that's such a hard pill to swallow.

That's it from me, I'd love to hear from any of you. I'm pretty easy going and accept almost everyone. So don't be like me and be shy, interact and maybe we could be friends!

[djarinsbeskar]

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! So close, just in time for spooky season 🎃🧙‍♀️😈🔮🕯️

👉🏼👈🏼

Do you mind if I ask… how does it feel to have a work of yours published? It has always seemed so daunting to me. What was hard about it? What was an easier part of the process? Have you thought about publishing before this? I spend hours in front of my computer, researching and going over plot, word choice, sentence structure, etc. etc. Are you relieved for September 22nd to come? I’m curious to peek into publishing as an experience. 🫣

It's so surreal quite frankly! In a manner of speaking, I'm used to having people read my work through here and on AO3, so I was surprised by how nervous I was about putting an entire book out there. Part of me thinks it's because of expectations, if that makes any sense. With fanfic, it's free and it's usually within the confines of a fandom that affords the pieces some leniency. With an original book, you're expecting people to spend hard earned money on it and, it might just be the perfectionist in me, but I want to write something worth spending money on.

I think you bring up some really fantastic questions and I'm all about sharing my experiences to make things easier for others who might want to do the same! So feel free to send in any questions and I'll answer them all as concisely as possible!

I think the first thing you want to be sure about when it comes to publishing, is if you're willing to wear many different hats all at once. You're the writer, the PR person, the marketing person, the advertising person etc etc. You are everything to this book and one thing I discovered is that, you're rarely going to be an expert in all of them!

This is why community is important. Having a group of friends or writers you trust who are in the same situation or are interested in the industry. Because I guarantee, they're going to be the ones you touch base with on everything. From getting a second opinion on a social media post, to understanding a vague or confusing requirement made by a distributor or market you plan to sell your book on, to just the support you need as a writer. Writing a book can be a lonely thing, especially when you're not getting the serial validation and feedback we can grow accustomed to by posting chapters of fics week after week. That makes your inner circle, if you want to call it that, invaluable to your overall experience.

It's always been a dream of mine to be an author, to finish a book and see it bound. So, I knew I had the drive, if my confidence was lacking in other areas. It really wasn't until one of mutuals here asked if I planned to publish, though, that I really gave it some serious thought as an adult (and not just the dreams of a child). I think if you love the story you want to tell, are open and aware that it's not going to be everyone's cup of tea and can accept that, as well as being willing to be your own biggest advocate, you can do it!

Honestly, I cannot WAIT for launch day. It'll be my first, and when I think back to when I first started turning this fic into a book, I knew nothing so I've learned so much along the way that I'm actually excited to get started on the next book to apply all those lessons going forward!

Thank you for getting in touch! This ask really made me think and as a result, made me so super happy to see how far I've come. So don't hesitiate to drop any more questions that you have here, or in my DMs. I'm always happy to chat!

[tonysaintborgi]

Sorry for the heavy question but how do you deal with internalized homophbia? I never realized I had it until very recently and I'm not sure how to come to fully come to terms with it

I'm also trying to come to terms with a lot of other things that are probably related too so maybe someday I'll ask for advice on them too lmao

I think you've made the most important step by acknowledging it. That's the thing about internalized biases of any sort, it's so deep down in ya that it's easy to ignore. They often go unquestioned. But you're questioning it. That's the big thing. You'll find that, the more you question it, the more it will shrink away. it may take time, a war of attrition, but keep at it. You got this. Unfortunately there's no magic spell to get it to go away (or else I'd share), but you're on the right path.

If you're looking for a way to be proactive beyond just challenging your thought patterns, I'd reccomend immersing yourself in the parts of the culture and art that make you uncomfortable. Sit with that discomfort. Yeah, it's not pleasant to unpack, but it'll do you good. Empathy grows as we learn, so go learn.

But, assuming that you're a queer individual, I think it's also important to love yourself. Easier said than done, right, I know. But it's important to know that you're great, whoever you may be now, and whoever you will grow into. The more you learn to be happy with who you are and who you could potentially be, the easier it will be for you to accept your future self, whatever they may become. And the more you're cool with yourself for being who you are, the more you'll be cool with others for being who they are. Not everyone in your life may enjoy the unfiltered you, but you gotta ask yourself, is it better to stifle yourself for the sake of bonds or is it better to unhinder yourself and make new bonds, should any old ones tear? It's your life, you get to make that choice, but you probably already know what the best answer to that question is.

and as a final thought, remember, nobody is perfect and we're all growing. we live in a fucked up society, bro. that's where you got these internalized biases from in the first place. so don't be hard on yourself for not ridding yourself of them yet. in fact, treat yourself with compassion - you're attempting to grow into a better person. Yelling at yourself for not being perfect will just make it more difficult to keep trudging forward.

but you're gonna keep trudging forward, right? here, take my paw. I'll walk with ya.

[liminalpsych-in-teyvat]

It occurred to me I can post the rambling notes at the end of each fanfic chapter here on Tumblr and just link to the post so that I don't overfill the whole AO3 end notes box. And then I can be EVEN MORE RAMBLING if I want to be, without feeling stressed about it! *lets ADHD brain off the leash*

...anyway, um. I contained myself to a sentence or two with chapters 1 and 2, but it started getting out of control with chapter 3.

Notes for A Matter of Duty - Chapter 3: May have overestimated myself

Someday I will end a chapter on a positive note, but today is not that day. Tomorrow isn't looking so good either. It'll get better eventually, I promise a happy (ish?) ending and some comfort for all the hurt, it's just... going to get a lot worse before we get there.

My Google search history is a ride right now. This fic is spurring the strangest research. Have a sampling of the more interesting stuff for this chapter:

Ichigenkin: A video of someone playing the single-string zither that Ayato prefers.

Koto: The most *delightful* video of a koto master teaching a very enthusiastic, nerdy guitar player about the koto and how to play it. Their joy is infectious.

MA - The Japanese concept of space and time: A beautiful reflection on ma.

The history of lube: Genshin has elemental oils and they're too easy to incorporate into porn, but I found this fascinating. The equivalent period in Japan (Edo period / Tokugawa Shogunate) would have used tororo-jiru, a substance made from grated and mashed yams. Or clove oil (...I feel like that would burn? Mixed with camellia oil, it's traditional for lubricating Samurai swords and knives from tarnish and rust, so maybe the camellia oil makes it less, uh. Burning?). Before that, they used carrageenan from seaweed (also in China).

Japanese sex toys as portrayed in ancient Shunga: NSFW Edo-period graphic texts about sex toys in Edo period Japan. It's fascinating. I can't find any evidence of butt plugs in that period of Japan but they had them in Han dynasty China, and I'm sure Fontaine has had something like that for ages, so we're going with it for the sake of convenience.

A Beginner's Guide to Bottoming During Sex: I had an entirely different plan for this chapter, but then I learned it can take up to 3-6 weeks of consistent dilating practice to be comfortably ready to have anal sex. Plenty of people get there much faster, obviously, and Thoma probably won't take that long. But not being able to jump right to anal sex immediately made for better story anyway, and the fact that pushing too fast can injure you opened up story potential such as, well... what happened in the above scene.

At the beginning of the chapter, Ayato is practicing mindfulness meditation, and he's labeling thoughts that he notices before returning his attention to the object of focus (his breath). Specifically, he's practicing Ānāpānasati, because that's the kind of meditation I was trained in and know intimately (thanks, hippie Tibetan Buddhist-founded graduate counseling program), so it's easier for me to write about. Historically speaking, he'd probably be more likely to practice the Japanese Zazen meditation, or maybe a Zen version of anapana, but I'm unfamiliar with how it shows up in Zen; the version I wrote is probably closer to anapana in the Theravadan (common to south and southeast Asia) or Tibetan traditions.

Fanfic summary, warnings, and link beneath the cut before you decide whether or not you want to read it.

A Matter of Duty

"Back then, I had no choice but to accept the position I was in. While I desperately looked around for powerful supporters, I endured smear campaigns and attempts to exploit me. I had no other choice... I didn't mind what became of me, but my family... No one can ever be allowed to trample over my precious family."

How Ayato secured powerful supporters, endured exploitation, and weathered the storm of the years following the death of his parents... and how Thoma helped him contend with a bunch of self-serving, degenerate public officials.

And how, after much stilted fumbling and well-intended sacrifice, they learned the truth of one another's hearts.

Note: Mind the tags. More specific content warnings will be given at the beginning of each chapter, and the story tags will be updated as needed. All characters involved in any sex scenes are adults.

Rating: Explicit. It's porn with plot. Porn as a vehicle for plot, or plot as a vehicle for porn, you can interpret it either way. (I prefer: porn and plot as a vehicle for ~feels~)

Tags that I'm not actually turning into tags here, but it gives you an idea of what you're in for: Kamisato Ayato/Thoma (Genshin Impact), dubious consent but not between Ayato and Thoma, slow burn, sex ed, first time, self-sacrifice, humiliation, exhibitionism, oral sex, anal sex, bdsm, bad bdsm etiquette, rough sex, breath play, impact play, bondage, service kink, abuse, sadism, codependency, shame, guilt, jealousy, possessiveness, trauma, ptsd, dissociation, political sex work, or sex work for political maneuvering, or political survival sex work if that’s a thing, exploitation, blackmail, political machinations, political intrigue, no aftercare, maybe someday some aftercare, hurt/comfort, mostly hurt for a long time but eventually comfort, oblivious disaster gays, for such socially savvy people they are terrible at personal relationships, dominant Ayato, submissive Thoma, top Ayato, bottom Thoma, Ayato is incredibly parentified, Thoma has no sense of self-preservation, self-sacrifice isn't a contest but don't tell Ayato and Thoma that, it's like the snipe-the-check game at restaurants but with sex and politics, Kushiel's Impact, no really this was in my drafts for the longest time as Kusheline Thomato Fic, everyone's an adult in this timeline except Ayaka, she gets protected at all costs, original characters out of necessity, finding appropriate existing Inazuma npcs for some of these roles was impossible, no beta we die like ayato's parents

Full fic: A Matter of Duty on Archive Of Our Own

Chapter 3: May have overestimated myself: Ayato helps Thoma prepare for a meeting with a Kanjou Commission official. It doesn't go well.

Chapter 3 contains: sex education, first time anal play, anal fingering, unspoken D/s dynamics, teasing (verbal and sexual), sensation play, sex toys (butt plugs), oral sex, poor communication, guilt/shame, hints/allusions to past sexual trauma, crossing one's own boundaries / pushing oneself too far to try to please the other person (it's not really self-harm but it's possibly something in the neighborhood), feelings of betrayal and rejection

[dabihawksluvr]

[ I Need Help ] - Questions/Updates

I am having to answer a lot of the same questions, so I am making this post to allow myself breathing room (plus I've posted about this on at least three forums and I just wanna keep it nice and tidy for my scatterbrained mind).

If you clicked on the link for this, thank you <3

It really helps me out a lot, if I have any donations set up they'll be right here. Not requiring anyone to give me money, but it'll be greatly appreciated.

(( UPDATE: My Paypal is - paypal.com/ViceSenpaii ))

Here is the gist of the situation: I have 6 months to find a job, or my brother will kick me out. But I am disabled, and my shit-hole of a town only has the 'hard labor' kind of work. So I have been looking for online jobs that I can do, but they are all low acceptance or a scam. So I've been scrambling to find something, I have had others give me advice and one kind soul did give me a job referral. But it's been a week, and I haven't had anything pop up.

(( All the questions and their answers will be under the 'continue reading' tab, just to keep this post from being too big. ))

#1: Have you tried disability/benefits?

I have, numerous times. I have been trying for it since I was 16, and every 2-3 years I try re-applying. But so far, I have been denied disability every single time. Though I did have benefits for a long while (co-joined with my mom until her passing), that ran out too and they always tried just forcing me into a job only to see I wasn't able to keep up with everything they wanted me to. Now, I am told my brother makes 'too much' from his job for me to apply for disability anyways. And my state is supposed to be one of the 'easier' ones to get disability in too.

#2: What are your disabilities?

It is mostly mental disabilities, but ever since 2020 I have had a few physical disabilities because I got Covid and almost died from it.

I have been currently diagnosed with - ADHD, BPD, Severe Depression, Severe Anxiety, PTSD, Type 2 Diabetes, and CHF (Congestive Heart Failure).

#3: Have you spoken to a doctor/therapist about any of this?

I have, several times. And I know my records are out there, but currently I do not have any copies as they were accidentally thrown away almost two years ago (2022). I was told by my doctor I very well may need a caretaker due to my disabilities, and they got my paperwork seen in a month rather than 6-12. But, even their words and support did not change anything for my case. And my case worker did not follow through with the caretaker, because I had been waiting to get on disability and I 'took too long' to get back to them so they shut my case immediately. And I don't see a therapist anymore, due to personal traumas and all that.

#4: Have you sought out any 'help' for your disabilities?

I have tried, but no luck there either. My disabilities are mostly mental, and for my specific issues there's basically nothing else besides therapy. I live in the US, and getting disability help is basically such a struggle that most die before they ever get anything at all. And it's why I've basically given up trying, it's why I fear the six month deadline I've been given to find a job because I cannot work with my disabilities.

#5: Why is your brother kicking you out if you are disabled?

In his words, he basically does not want to 'waste more energy' on me than he already does. He is autistic, and he works a factory night shift so when he's home he is either sleeping or playing video games. And on the weekends, he spends that time with his partner. I understand he does pay for my basic necessities (like food and medical equipment), and I do appreciate him for that. But, his partner and work buddies are all saying I am 'manipulating' him rather than 'being an adult' and finding my own job. And the stress of bills/rent has basically forced him into this choice of possibly kicking me out, even though he doesn't want to. And I know that if I fight him on this, he'll being up some pretty triggering topics for me and I want to avoid being kicked out immediately.

#6: What jobs are you looking for?

Solely any that I can do online, preferably none that deal with human interaction and I can just do from my computer. I have so far applied to two AI Writing jobs, but I won't know if I get denied because they don't send emails for it.

#7: Have you thought about those 'assisted living' type places?

My area only has ONE of those, and I doubt they'd accept me there anyways. So either way, this is not an option for me.

[casspurrjoybell-18]

Worthless - Chapter 8

*Warning Adult Content*

Kade

My mind was reeling, a human she said and to make matters worse, it was my mate's father. A father's greatest treasure is their child. He was there to help mold them to be a good person, he was supposed to be a role model for them but this man, this piece of trash, not even worthy of being called human, had the twisted and demented urge to beat his child and torment him for who knows how long. My rage only increased as I looked at Asher's emotionless eyes. Did he not care? Or worse, was he in denial? I could tell the others felt the storm raging in me with the way they slowly got into a defensive stance.

"Calm yourself, Kade."

I flinched at the Alpha's all-commanding voice, my gaze going to Eric's and back to Asher's own nervous one.

'Shit.'

Getting riled up wouldn't help anything. I sighed, closing my eyes, and breathed in and out. The anger, though still present, dulled.

"Sorry."

Eric gave a nod of approval, turning back to the wayward wolves.

"We'll put that matter, as troubling as it is, to the side for now."

I stiffened at his words however a quick look from Eric kept me in check.

"As for the act of joining a pack, it's rather an easy process of submitting to the Alpha, in this case, to me."

Riley and Fallon looked nauseous at the mention of submitting, Asher just growled. Thalia surprised me by piping up.

"It's not like what you're thinking," she said with a soft smile.

"He means that you accept him, that you open your mind and acknowledge him as the Alpha. Once you do, once you connect with the pack, you feel warm and safe. We're more than just a group of wolves, we're a family."

They were visibly calmer... the want was clearly written on their faces. Although doubt outshined it, there was a desire for family hidden in Asher's eyes. Everyone understood their uncertainty. After what they've been through, only an insane person would agree without any thought. Even so, I won't lie and say it didn't hurt that my mate didn't trust me. Without taking her eyes off us, Riley spoke to Asher.

"I don't want Fallon to always be on the run, always looking over his shoulder. I don't want to. They can help us, Asher and their intentions seem pure."

She took a deep, shaky breath, as if afraid.

"I think we should accept."

Fallon's head bobbed up and down in agreement. Everyone's expressions brightened a bit except for Asher's, who looked even more pained. With every minute that passed, we grew more nervous, waiting for his response. Whatever he decided would not only affect them but that pack as well. I knew that I would follow him no matter where he went even if it meant abandoning the position of Beta. It sounds horrible to choice this person, who I've just meant, over the pack I grew up in but even if I stayed I wouldn't be any good to the pack.

Without my mate, I would slowly go mad... he was my other half. I didn't notice how tense I was until he finally he let out a sigh and gave a slight nod, indicating that they would stay. My face instantly split into a grin, the tension flowing out of me. Rory gave a small cheer and everyone relaxed with a smile. Riley and Fallon threw their arms around Asher, being careful of his wounds. After a moment Riley turned to Eric, smiling.

"We're ready to join the pack."

Eric stepped forward, moving to kneel before them.

"There are steps to joining a pack. I'm going to establish a pack link by delving into your mind. There'll be a slight pressure, don't try to fight it. I need to go to the core of you and connect your mind to the rest of the pack."

Eric smiled as Riley and Fallon nodded in understanding.

"I can only do one at a time."

Riley stood a little straighter.

"I'll go first."

Asher let out a sound of protest but was quickly cut off.

"Asher I can handle it. I think that once you see we've come out unscathed then it'll be easier for you."

Her feature softened and she reached out to rub his head.

"It'll be fine."

And with that, she turned back to Eric, ready to begin.

Asher

It was over quickly. Riley went first with Fallon excitedly following. I was nervous, ready to pounce on the Alpha at any sign that they were being harmed even though I knew I would lose. He, himself, was powerful enough to bat me to the side without much effort. Plus, the others would leap in to protect him. I watched them as they finished, now connected to this family. They looked happier, Riley's face was aglow and Fallon kept giggling. I suspected the others were speaking to them, given the playful expressions on some of their faces.

"Asher? Are you ready?" Alpha Eric asked, bringing me out of my thoughts.

After a moment of hesitation, I gave a slight nod, stepping forward. My body was tense. I felt it flowing off of me in waves. The one known as Kade kept his gaze on me, making me feel slightly nervous but at the same time safe. He was happy, though I didn't know why.

'Did they not get new members often or something?'

I turned my attention back towards Eric, making sure I showed no signs of weakness even though, secretly, I was terrified. I was terrified of what was to come. I was never part of a pack and didn't know what would happen, what they would expect of me. I didn't know what they would learn. Even so, I stood tall and looked him straight in the eye. Eric closed his eyes and I focused on doing as he told the others. A minute passed and Eric opened them, a small frown on his face.

"It's like there's a wall around your mind. You'll need to lower it."

He paused, seeing my struggle, and adopted a softer expression,

"Close your eyes. Try to clear your mind of all thoughts. Just listen to my voice and let you body relax."

I did as instructed, my body seeming to get heavier and my breathing grew deeper. Slowly I started to feel something at the edge of my consciousness. It took some effort to stop my mind from automatically closing off. I felt the presence slowly delve further into my mind. It didn't intrude on my memories, for which I was relieved but kept going towards its destination. The closer it came, the more uneasy I felt. My mind, as cloudy and unfocused as it was, was about to attack the foreign thing but suddenly a voice sounded.

'It's alright Asher. Just relax, I'm almost done.'

I didn't know if I nodded or not but complied, trying to do what I was told. With some effort, I felt myself relaxing again, allowing him to travel further. I gasped as he connected me to the pack link. Everything was suddenly illuminated. I felt not only the Alpha but everyone who was connected to him. There was a web of consciousnesses that I at first shrunk away from. Shaking away my fear, I ventured forward, brushing against the minds of various members in the pack. They were curious but did not push me for information. They sensed that I was part of their pack. One strand stood out from the rest. It was different, familiar even though I knew I never connected with it, and radiated a gentle and loving warmth. Slowly, I reached out to it and was instantly washed over with joy.

'Asher,' he called in a soft tone.

I stayed silent for a moment, hesitating. He waited patiently for me, understanding seeping through the link. I felt other things coming from him but I could not name them. However, I knew that he meant no harm. My fear cast aside, I opened my eyes, instantly connecting to the luminous green ones that I knew belonged to the voice and said a word I haven't spoken in many, many years.

'Hello.'

[byoldervine]

First Draft Plan

I'm currently working on the first draft of my WIP Byoldervine and I've currently got a plan worked out for getting a fully edited first draft sorted. I know this probably isn't the way most people would view the work but I've decided to split the first draft workload into four separate stages:

1. Plotting

I like to plot as I write so that I can switch up my plans and adapt to new ideas as I go. I'll plot out about five chapters in one go using bullet points for each new thing I want to happen followed by indented bullet points beneath those to get a little more specific with it. I usually leave funny comments behind as well while I'm there so when I'm coming back to the plotting notes as I write I can have a laugh

2. The Initial Draft

I have one rule when it comes to writing my initial draft; no writing tips involved. I don't watch any writing tip videos, I don't look for advice on how to improve, I don't go back to edit or improve anything. This isn't the editing stage, this isn't even the final outcome of the first draft, this is just making this project exist in tangible for. At this stage, you don't have to worry about how it looks or if it's clear or consise or conveys it in just the way you want. You can't edit a blank page, so get it down so you have the ability to edit

Additionally, if I get to a bump in the road and don't know what to write - say I'm trying to work out X clever solution to Y problem, but while my character is clever enough to figure it out, I'm not - I can just put a brief summary of what needs to happen there in brackets, make it stand out with underlines or bold or italics or highlights, and then carry on from after that scenario. This is acceptable in the initial draft phase, because this isn't even a completed first draft. If it can stop me from breaking my writing momentum, I'll take it and come back to it later. I don't have to be smart or clever here, I just need to dump out a bunch of verbal diarrhoea and call it a day

3. The First Edit

So now I've completed my initial draft (I wish) my next step will, of course, be editing. I like to go through first just amending any SPAG mistakes and filling in any blanks I left in my writing, such as finally getting around to working out X solution to Y problem as we mentioned earlier

Once all the minor corrections and blanks are handled, I properly jump into editing, playing around with different word choices, checking character voices and motivations are all consistent, peppering in little moments of foreshadowing here and there, anything I think can improve the quality of what I currently have and tying it into everything else I have. It's so much easier to edit with fresh eyes rather than trying to do it as you go, and it also helps you to identify certain issues in a way you just can't without time out, such as working out which character is speaking in a string of dialogue without tags

4. The Clean Draft

Finally, I can start putting my chapters together into Google Docs. What I'll do is set it up so both screens are displayed simultaneously, then start rewriting everything from the edited draft into Google Docs. This is the point of full-scale change happening if so desired, rather than just playing with what's currently there. I can still use what I've currently got, of course, but having both versions side by side and writing it all up a second time rather than just copy/pasting it over can help me to think how I'd write it differently. It means I'm thinking critically about each word I put down rather than just reading over it and calling it a day. I haven't done this stage yet for any of my personal projects but I did it for school ones a lot and it really helped, so I'm looking forward to seeing just how much better it'll be now I'm really passionate in the material

It's basically like the initial draft but instead of bullet points and general vibes I've actually got a full reference. Working from essentially scratch is a pain, but with the reference already complete, you can breeze right through, even if retyping a gazillion words takes a good while it's much quicker than having to think about every single detail

Additionally, you can now play with formatting and fonts and all that fun stuff once you've got the clean draft done, and you can have a more accurate sense of how many pages you've got. I'm really excited for the clean draft to be ready to start!