#so i'm charging ahead into putting myself first without guilt. i know myself better than anyone on earth

[novadreii]

i can hardly put into words how grateful i am to have regained the use of my brain in the past 6 months or so. before that, i struggled with terrible brain fog that persisted for years, making me feel i had a fishbowl popped on top of my head 24/7. i spent what limited brainpower i had trying to root out a cause from my diet. but it turns out that the culprit was a lethal combination of unhealed childhood trauma, as well as the stress and chronic insomnia from being in a relationship with a neglectful and inconsistent partner.

did you know that stress and trauma physically shrink your hippocampus (responsible for learning, memory) and increase the size of your amygdala (responsible for survival and fear responses)? my hippocampus must have been the size of a fucking pea, and my amygdala a baseball. i was basically a feral cat.

since quite literally fleeing that situation, i've been militant about therapy and taking care of myself: exercise, eating right, 8 hours of sleep per night without exception, and keeping my stress low. contrary to all the advice i've ever received before my current therapist, aside from occasional socializing with my extremely small circle of family and friends (whom i love dearly and who've all really rallied to support me through the shitstorm my life was earlier this year), i've fully indulged my love of solitude and being a homebody.

that, instead of shaming myself and pushing myself to be social when i don't feel like it, which is often. my mother used to do that plenty when i was a kid, because as a giant extrovert herself, it pained and disappointed her greatly to have a daughter who preferred to read in her room all day. i've finally learned how to decouple my inner voice from hers and it has brought me the freedom to just...be who i am.

throughout all this i started noticing that i'd wake up with a clear brain, once in a while. it'd come and go at first, but now, as long as i keep to the regimen of caring for myself like i am my first priority, a concept apparently completely foreign to me up until recently, the clarity is here most days. i'll have an occasionally foggy day, but it's usually easy to trace the cause to shit sleep or food.

the ability to not feel like i'm existing behind 2 inches of foggy glass day in and day out is everything to me. to understand people as they're talking to me. to not have to read a sentence 10 times over to glean its meaning. to enjoy learning again. this used to bring me so much pain and sadness, feeling like i'd lost the use of what i consider to be my greatest asset, feeling like i'm stupid when i know i'm not. i have a bachelor's degree in business with straight As to prove it!

having to go through it and knowing that certain people in my life were not taking me seriously and thinking that i was just being lazy and unambitious. it made me want to fucking scream. but i never lost hope that just like most problems, there was a solution. i was just not seeing it. i needed a different perspective.

i'm currently taking an online chemistry class just for fun. next up is going to be "astronomy: exploring time and space", then probably a cyber security intro class and some data science classes to refresh what i learned in university. i'm having fun learning again!!!! i am quite literally crying writing this, because while i always remained hopeful, there was a small part of me that was scared that this would just be my life from now on. i'm so fucking grateful.

[girl-of-a-thousand-universes]

In the Deep End.

A/N: I was on holiday when I got the idea for this. First time writing and posting so criticism welcome but be gentle.

Gif not my own.

As we swing round the corner the dimly lit motel sign comes back into view. The lights flicker on and off repeatedly accompanied by the faint electronic buz. Granted it's trying to look like a reputable place and with only two of the letters broken completely it's already miles ahead than some of our previous stays.

As the engine of the Chevy chunders to a stop I fish for my room key from my inside jacket pocket. While this would seem like the best place to keep it I was quickly proven wrong when the I was thrown across a caban only a few hours earlier, landing gracefully on my face causing the hard metal to briefly stab against my chest. All things aside it's safe to say we all came away with worse injuries then a small key jab.

Vampires it would seem, don't take too well to Dean's Twilight jokes, even if they are about 4 years too late. Speaking of Dean is the one to finally break the comfortable silence.

"Right, I'm off to grab some food and beer. Either of you want anything?" Thankfully we took liberties of changing before we set off from the hunt. Sitting in a car for two hours covered in mud, blood and sweat is never fun.

I shake my head " No thanks, still got my supply from our last run" Sam also shakes his is and pat's his brother twice on the shoulder.

"Thanks Dean but I'm good"

As we both make our way out of the car Dean pokes his head over the passenger seat. "Fine but don't think you can come crawling back when you get hungry." The grin across his face is playful although we all know there is a hint of truth behind the statement. With a quick wave goodbye Sam and I make our way to our separate rooms. Sam always been the gentleman takes me right up to my door despite the fact we are only two rooms apartment. Still he insists apon it. Not that you would expect any less from him it's only in his nature to take care of others first and himself second.

I turn around once inside my door and I can see him quickly scanning the room behind. I slowly step backwards, switching the lights on as a go. Once in the middle of the room I do a rather dramatic 180. With my hands outstretched beside me."See Sammy, no monsters." I pick up my bed covers and check underneath just to wind him up a little. "They must have got the memo that we have clocked off for the night. Now please go and please go to bed you haven't slept in days"

With a gental sigh and a quick smile he accepts the order. "Okay Lucy, but if you need anything you know where to find me" He takes one final sweep of the room before he makes his way down to his own. I keep my door open until I hear the locks click on his and shutting it I make my way to the window at the far side. Glancing down I can see nothing but the empty fields behind however a faint blue glow right down in the corner catches my eye. Shifting again so I have a better view I spot something that you wouldn't expect in a place like this. A dimly lit pool sat in the corner surrounded by hedging and discarded toys and floats. Due to it now being well into the early morning it was empty and I couldn't help but admire the calmness of the water. Baths are a luxury as it is but a swimming pool now that was gold when living life on the road.

I put my childish urges to bed along with myself, kicking my boots and clothes off as I went. Sitting my phone down to charge I wrapped myself into the covers and drifted off to sleep.

Or at least I tried. Whether it was my come down from the hunt or the lure of the pool my usual always sleepy self just couldn't settle. An hour past and Dean had already made his way back and by the snoring next door I could only guess that the food and the beer had gone amis for the night. Letting my curiosity get the better of me I scramble out of bed and putting my clothes on I make my way out of the room. Not forgetting my phone and gun of course. I'm curious not an idiot.

I make my way to the pool.Passing the sleeping attendent in the office and climbing over the rather pathetic gate I check the area before kneeling down next to the water. Surprisingly it was warm and as if all my tiredness and aches from the fight before hit me all at once all I wanted to do was drive in. So I did.

My clothes were once more disposed of and with only my underwear I sank into the water. I took my time slowly swimming up and down the small pool allowing the water to massage away any stress that remained. Time passed and I propped my back up against the edge next to where my phone and gun sat and rested my head back.

The moment was very quickly interrupted however when I heard the rattling of the metal fence that I vaulted over previously and heavy foot steps coming my way. Turning around I grab my gun but before I can make my way out of the water a tall broad shadow comes into view.

"Don't shoot. Don't shoot!" A panicked whisper echoes around the water. Recognizing his voice I lower my gun.

"Sam what are you doing sneaking up on me like that!"

"I know, I know I'm sorry. I heard footsteps past my room before and then you didn't answer you phone so I got worried and erm.." his eyes glaced down into the water and an awkward cough escaped him .." so I thought I'd make sure you were alright...Didn't expect you to be here of all places" he smiled clearly amused by my adventure.

I blushed suddenly aware of my own state of undress and how silly this looked. Deciding to put my embaressment aside I go for a playful approach. Kicking my feet of the edge of the pool I swim backwards keeping my eyes fixed to Sam. "I personally don't see what wrong with this." I gesture underneath the water. "We never get to just relax and it's warm and peaceful..makes a nice change don't ya think?" I tilt my head above the water and his head mimics mine clearly trying to figure out where I'm going with this.

"Sure, but.."

"So come on then." I interject making my way towards him now. "What you waiting for Sammy? Clearly you can't sleep either and it's not hurting anyone"

He breathes out a short laugh before taking a step back as I now reach the edge. "No way. Definitely not" Unfortunately for him I have other plans. Before he can take another step back I push myself up and out of the pool to grab his hand. Using my feet on the edge and all my strength I pull him forward and we both go tumbling under the water.

I push myself above the surface and come face to face with Sam. His long brown hair is now limp and clinging to his face and he is puffing air trying to catch his breath after my assault. He steadies his breathing and brushes his hair from his eyes which travel to meet mine. I stop paddling in the water and wait for his reaction only a second goes past but I can already feel the guilt building up. I open my mouth to apologise but before any noise can escape I am met with a wave of water over my face.

I recover from the shock and a smile spreads across our faces and we both begin to laugh. Moments like this a rare, where even for a short while you feel genuinely happy. Too many people get hurt or lost on this job and the constant battling can take its toll. So we stay. Two grown adults playing like toddlers in a pool. Swimming and splashing keeping our laugh and taunts muted as to not get caught. Little water pistols that were discarded by their previous owners are now our primary weapons as we stalking each other round the pool. For a tactical advantage Sam's flannel over shirt and boots have now been discarded and while he is distracted by placing his last shoe down on the side I decide to go in for the kill. I take leap forward getting ready to squirt the gun at his face when I lose my footing causing me to go over my ankle head first into the water. Breathing in from the pain that twinged from my foot I take in a gulp of water as I surge under.

I don't have long to gather my thoughts as a feel Sam's arms wrap around my hoisting me above the water. He holds me to him as I cough and splitter intake of water. When I regain my breath he loosens his grip but doesn't fully release me. He looks down at me with his eyes full of concern. " You okay Lucy?" His voice his soft and low and with the close proximity I can barely hear it over my heart beat.

I look over the younger brothers face. You can't deny that Sam Winchester is not gorgeous as much as I have personally tried too. Everyone knows that getting involved with the Winchesters on a professional level was bad but personal? Let's just say Sam ex track record has a reputation.

Still over the past weeks and even months you have felt your resolve slip. The little walks to your room, patching him up after a fight, helping him on supply runs, goofing around even just seeing that smile of his started to break down your walls.Your mind was racing and subconsciously your body edged closer to him. You needed to tell him how you felt as it all became very real very quickly.

But before you could piece together a coherent thought Sam dipped his down and placed a whisper of a kiss on your lips. He pulled back just as fast as it had happened and your mind was still. Without a moments hesitation you wrapped your arms around his neck pulling him back to you while also tangling your legs around his waist. Your kiss was not as ginger as his. It was hot and hungry. All your pent up feeling came bursting out at once and you yearned for more. Thankfully he obliged, spinning you both round so that you were trapped between the pools edge and his strong body.

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Please let me know what you think. I know it's choppy but wanting to set into writing but I know it needs work.